God Awful Movies - 60: GAM060 Confessions of a Prodigal Son

Episode Date: October 11, 2016

In this week's episode, Noah, Heath, and Eli team up once more for an atheist review of Confessions of a Prodigal Son; the heart bypassing story of some middle-class white kid that mistook being hungover for having real problems. Also, three minutes and nine seconds of Kevin Sorbo. If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts

You also has this crazy moment where he's like look there's a lot of people will say that God is angry Don't read his book, but if I'm telling you God Too big like If you can't even fit it in your mouth, that's how big God is This place is why I run the by my wife If you can't even fit it in your mouth, that's how big God is. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be sitting in my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right heath welcome back. Thank you Noah. And sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnichela. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? So bored.

So bored. This was rough. Morning, moving. So we have the exact opposite effect on my blood pressure from the movie from last week. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched confessions of a prodigal son. It's about how religion has better morals than atheism. For example, in Christianity, you can do literally anything you want, as long as you ask

for God's forgiveness when you're done. Just like that story from Luke 15 about the prodigal son, which they stole badly and turned into a 90 minute movie. Whoah, and Eli. How bad was this 90 minute movie? Well, if you love the diary of Anne Frank, but you wish that it had been about that couple everybody in high school knew should have broken up way before they did that you will love this moving this is just a series of nonsense diary entries punctuated by the worst teacher in the universe and couples who should not be together having boring fights that you wish you

weren't watching all of it it was it was almost exactly conversations I want out of the move. Everything that happened in this movie was just one of those things where you are like you're saying to the movie, yeah. You just, we needed a bunch of scenes in this crazy billionaire remake to make this perfectly the conversations you don't want to have movie. You just have a bunch of scenes with a racist ant where she sits down and she's like, oh, bomb is a Muslim. You see this? Look at this picture. Yeah, he's just participating in their ceremony because he is one. They're sheeks. Yeah, he looks great in a suit. That's not the point. He's a Muslim. Now, I feel like we need to address this one right away too. If you came to this movie,

expecting to stroke it to Kevin Sorbo's age, but still flawless pectoral petrutions, you'd best be quick about it. Because I believe that these filmmakers secured exactly nine minutes and 11 seconds with K-sorbs. They really fucking did. If you told me that this movie had been filmed, like they were like, huh, we're just doing some stock footage. Do you mind being a part of it? And he was like, why not? And they were like, doesn't matter what you say, don't worry about it. We're just doing some dinner table shots. This is a part of it and he was like why not and they were like doesn't matter what you say don't worry about it we're just doing some dinner table shots this is a for a Christian movie we know how much that would cost us should up Brian shut up you're giving away too much now but that brought up the interesting question because I realized that I'd basically been tricked into watching a movie because

Kevin sorbo was in it like did you ever think you would sink that low? I mean, it's like if the Nazis had told the Jews, no, no, those are electric chairs. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Well, they have no chance in here at all. The show is starting. I'm gonna complain afterwards. If these towels, it's crazy.

All right, okay. So now that we've got the prerequisite at holocaust joker the way is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at uh... i'm gonna say best worst being metta by accident so again they stole the story of the product was on from the bible to make this movie and then the main character in the movie steals the story badly for his

english class and they said it then the main character in the movie steals the story badly for his English class based on the president. Right. Ridiculous. I've never seen a movie say, you know, it's like this is a movie so much before. Yeah, exactly. Eli, can we go with, I got a couple, can we go with a least well handled daddy issues? I mean, honestly, if the closing montage, she had just staple gun to picture of his dad to her face on their wedding night

It would be slightly less creepy. This character is this female lead is explicit. She's just like well, you know my dad left and God's like a dad so I'm doubling them. I'm doubling the fuck down. I don't know if I'm doubling the fuck Little note that I'm doubling the fuck Oh Also, I want to nominate this for least acknowledged stalking oh hell yeah one of these characters Continually stalks the other one and everyone's like she's man at you right now not like hey man. Don't do that Yeah, right this we have restraining orders for shit like this I'm I also wanted to throw an nomination to here, capturing in named details. I mean, I know you're trying to get to 90 minutes, but I was sure that at some point in this movie,

we're going to watch this kid like trim his toe nails or something. Oh, he goes to the ATM three times in the movie. And at no point does it matter. You think that like, oh, he's going to go to the ATM and run out of money. That's going to be right. That's why we see nope He just goes to the ATM enters his pen number retrieves cash and goes about his business Thrice throughout this film

Thrice as though we would be sitting there going wait now How does he have more cash to he would have to start this movie with $900 in his pocket? Yeah, but I think that was part of one of the many times in this movie where it was looking at us winking and going You see how prodigal he is we know what that word means we know Anyway, well the quicker we get this one started the quicker we'll get it done So we're gonna pause for the quickest of breaks and when we come back one door the all the self-pitying angst that is Confessions of a prodigal son Trump 2016

legal son. Trump 2016. So many of you pointed out that on last week's episode for a number of our listeners, there was a Donald Trump for president ad preceding the show. And to be honest, there may have been one at the beginning of this show too. I'm not sure yet. Now, we've got to admit that when we first heard that Trump ads weren't our show, our impulse was to go the way of many of our podcasting friends and tell them to go fuck themselves, but then it occurred to us, you know, if Donald Trump wants to waste his money supporting a show by babbling at listeners who wouldn't vote for him if he was attached to the unswitch on their oxygen mask, why not let him? I mean, after all, it feels good to know that we've squeezed more money out of that stingy

asshole over the last 20 years than the IRS or that architect do that Hillary likes to try it around. Now of course that being said, if you're super offended, we can have those ads pulled. But before you reach out to us, I feel like we should at least tell you a few of the things we plan on spending Trump's money on. For example, gift for a gay wedding membership cards at Tito's Taco Trucks. Now on every corner starting November 2016, not a gun. Condoms for premarital sex, whereas Mike Pence calls them future baby shields. Our taxes, the Hillary Clinton campaign, United Negro College Fund, Hush money for all the pussy we grab at QED.

What's that we talked about? It's too late, it's not in the recording. So if you hear an ad for Donald Trump on this or any of our other shows, just remember, you just took Donald Trump's dollar and handed it to us. Bade for by Donald Trump. K-sorb! Thanks so much for coming in, bro. Uh, no problem, guys.

What's up? Oh, well, you know, we've got this movie coming out. It's called Confessions of a Prodigal Son. We film in July and we think you'd be amazing as the dad. Yeah, totally. Oh, guys, I'd had loved to, but I'm actually shooting a different movie in July. I can't take the project.

Oh, really? Yeah, sorry guys, I'm sure we'll get to work together at some point, but, okay, well, on, do you get a lunch break at that project? Sorry. What, what? Yeah, yeah, we could just shoot on your lunch break.

No big deal. We will come to you. Yeah. Guys, this is gonna be like 20 minutes a day. I don't think you want to all right She sounds awesome. Yeah, perfect. We can definitely work with that. Well, I even have you eaten in the scene seriously Yeah, seriously is a heart attack very excited Okay, how much does it pay? $11.16 I guess I'm in

Will you take a check? No I will not. And we're back for the breakdown and just in case you were in danger I think in this movie was going to be well made. It is literally going to start out with the same end result you would get if two friends were fighting over a camera with a lens cap still on and one of them pushed record. Zero seconds into the movie and the picture Netflix used to get me to watch is higher quality than the film.

Yeah, right. It went all out HD camera for that picture. Also little little note because I do I do love the production companies. What should we name our film company? Lighting dark? Killed it. Yes. Yeah.

Wow, I hope they come out with more. Okay, so we start off with basically, I mean, I think at this point, we started with something like 712 car crash scenes in the 16 movies we've reviewed. I feel like this might have been the worst. I don't know, maybe that anti gay, Ray Comfort movie had a worse one, but this definitely competes for the crappiest car crash open we've ever seen.

Yeah, someone needs to make us a super cut. Listen to me, if you're out there, I want you to make us a super cut of all the terrible car crashes we reviewed. And then at the year end wrap-up show, we will decide which carcass was the worst. You know, the God awful movie awards here. Yeah, so, and this is where we're gonna start. And this is never going to stop. We're gonna start this mopee just broken up

with 10th grader voiceover. Dear diary. Conveniently, my parents had a giant picture of the prodigal son. Damn, it's a good thing they didn't have Cain and Abel or I would have murdered the fuck out of my brother. Also, apparently none of us read that story because this movie is not what that story is about. It's so fucking stupid.

This is how ham-fisted this story is going to be. In the opening line of the movie that's supposed to be a retelling of the Prodigal son, the kid starts talking about a picture from the Prodigal son story in the Bible that was hanging up in his house. Minute one. This is the movie version of a nine year old explaining a knock knock joke for 90 minutes because orange sounds like aren't you I get it I get it literally anything if I vaccinate you will you stop wanting to talk to me call back we had a painting that said spoiler alert on it anyway I'm gonna run away from home being atheist now. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. So a gangly albino is leaving his home in a Nissan. Now, man, this is where we

see Kate sorbs. He's sad, but he's just too tough to show it. And they're playing this like this is the big running away moment. We will learn later that this kid is an adult going to college, but nothing. He just gets in a car. It's not like they drive over Jesus' face as they leave. It's just nice, sunny day, gets in a car. Yeah, well, yeah. What's weird is the metastory of this is, his parents give him the money for college

and some spending money. If he can make it two years on his own, he's allowed to stay gone as a full girl. Yeah, what? What is that deal? What were the stakes here? Well, if I spend all my money, crash my car, get kicked out of school,

and rape the only girl I've ever loved, I'll just go home and be an usher in my dad's church. Sounds pretty fucking sweet to me. Yeah, and those are the stakes of this goddamn movie. This movie is such a bunch of like naval gazing self-pitying bullshit from a person with zero problems. I said like early on, I'm like, if the kid who starred in this movie did not also write and produce this movie, I will eat my own skin. Ha ha ha. It's true. And we should speak about Sean. Sean looks like Voldemort's awkward teenage

years, like before he magicked his head bald and got rid of the nose. This is just like 50% there. He looks like he got a meal for every emotion he's capable of expressing. He looks like he got a call back for train spotting and never stops talking about it. Just like, I don't know if you heard this, but in 1990, you got a call back for a train by now. Yeah. And also we get the fact that they don't have a whole lot of case sorbs very early. I noticed this right away in the opening scene as case sorbs

is like kind of sadly walking back into the house after his son has left. The camera cuts to like super slow motion. They're like extra seconds with case or absol. Extra seconds. And now we cut to, that's the opening. And we cut to our character waking up to his alarm clock and doing waking up stuff.

Like, you know, we watch him brush his teeth and shave and smell one shirt, but decide on it. And like just these mundane in the egos in the toaster walk take the egos out of the toaster damn that's too hot why is it always so hot when it comes out of the toaster do I have a clean fork I could wash a fork yeah this movie yeah. From start to finish. Um, but so, okay, and if, but he's waking up late, apparently, they show him like running to class. And I just, I, this, I had this little moment where he's running and there's a hand rail next to the door he's running

towards. I'm like park or that hand rail bitch. I deserve this. Also, uh, fuck off. He's at college. Yeah. They made it sound like he ran away to a crack house or something. If running away from home equals college, you should run away. What are they talking about? Yeah, I didn't realize I was a run away too. Yeah, this country's got a huge runaway problem. I guess the only problem, the only reason I'm not a prodigal son is that I didn't move back into my parents house after

a price. Well, wait, did they, they gave you all the money and then if you made it two years, you're free, right? They gave you clothes like a house self and then you get to go. No, they drove an owl through my ear by the door jam. It's a whole thing. It's a big thing. Okay.

So, and now the main point of this scene other than, you know, he just doesn't have his shit together because he's not christian enough so he's late to college is that we have to meet professor truman the tough sum bitch professor at the center of this movie i wrote my notes he goes to class and meets the substitute teacher character from key and p and

literally is like i'm not your friend i'm not here you will fail this class. Keep writing in my notes. Hey, Levar Burton, no good teachers do this. This is not a good thing. I know you stole your monologue from Peter Bagozi in Twitter, but I need you to take it down a notch. I'm going to do the fucking Dears and Queers monologue. A couple of things about how colleges work, the people who made this movie have never seen a college. First of all, they suggest that this is a just for

sophomore's English class. That's not generally how college classes work as I understand it. He also says, like you mentioned before, many of these students are going to fail my class. Like really? Can you do that? What does that bell curve look like? You can't just fail most of your class. And also he makes it sound like this is gonna be like the men from the boys, but like sophomore English. That's supposed to be the Wheaton chaff moment at this college. What? And not just that, but like the only assignment we ever hear about in this class is tell your story and what it means and he's like not all of you will make it out of here alive right what you feel down i want to know with lashmower he's like not quite my emotion trying to throw the chair at the kids head

right from your heart motherfucker yeah no it of all the fucking classes to have this I mean if he was a philosophy professor It would make sense, but yeah, this is a little much for fucking sophomore English So okay, so we meet professor Truman now of course Sean the main character. He's come in late and kind of trying to sneak in But professor Truman isn't having any of that shit. So he literally says who do you think you are? Right. That's literally his reaction and I wrote um getting you fired Try not to be late next time The first fucking day of class Everyone's late the first day because you got to find your way into a new insane building named after Jews that aren't alive anymore

Everyone knows this. Right, exactly, and everything's numerically by alphabet. Yeah, but yeah, so he like, you know, has a bad time with his professor on day one, and then he comes to try to like make amends after class, but professor Truman isn't having any of that shit. And I love to, and this isn't the last time this is gonna happen where the guy's like,

you know, somebody says of this character You know you're incredibly charming and good looking but that won't be enough for me. It's like no he's really he's neither He just wrote those lines for you to say about him several characters throughout this movie will be like you're pretty charming And then he's like dark and you're like wow really I don't What character were they supposed to say these lines about? What did it say instead of dark in the first chapter? It was a script, guys. And also, it's kind of a minor point, but doesn't one usually have books and pencils and whatnot

when one walks in and out of a college class? It goes in and out, doesn't even have a fucking bag. Like, you guys are even trying. It just shows up naked Ready learn I'm open How's that for a blank slate Yeah, it's this not a nightmare. I was fucking convinced this was the nightmare I'm not having anybody

Since to work as an excuse as I understand it so now we have to meet Cameron who looks like he's going method on a community theater performance of Greece. Oh, I said stay gayed in pony boy Looks like he should be tweeting at me about why Milo, you're not always this funny. Oh This character is fucking awful and I'm they don't come right out and say that the fact that he's dating a black girl makes him a he'd nistic he then, but they seem to imply it was that just me. Oh, no, they're they're being anti biblical here. This is starting right off with the higher education and the race mixing.

Yeah, absolutely. Also, and this will go throughout, but it makes the whole movie make a lot more sense. Cameron the first day was told, hey Cameron, you're the comic relief and everyone else on set was told, hey Cameron's the villain, because Cameron does wacky comic relief stuff and everyone's like fuck you man, fuck you. And that will be his performance crowd who'd be like, oh, I slipped on a banana peel and they'd be like Seriously, that little girl had cancer and you're just like, what are people saying? Is this whole movie scripted by Google translate? The emotions never match the words in this fucking movie not at any one point no

So yeah, so now I guess Cameron is Sean's buddy So they're meeting up after class so they can commiserate But first he has to try to like fuck this black chick, so he's like, hey, we're gonna have a big party. And I guess we're supposed to look at it and go in like, partying and drinking and inviting black girls, those fallen little angels. Seriously, she's a can tonight. Can you not see?

Yeah, and she basically responds with, okay, but will there be alcohol and danger? And he's like, totally, we're gonna make poor life choices. And she's like, all right, I'll regret this in 10 years. Bye-bye. Take my number. And everyone in the audience supposed to be like handing out your number.

Yeah, right. You give him your father's number. Wearing those shorts, shorts, and your weight and silver. Okay. Two cows. And then they run into James from Bible youth group back home. Yep, who is played by Michael Bolton.

Not the singer, but definitely no talent ass clown. Horrible. And here's the thing, James is very clearly supposed to be a good guy in this movie, but the characters hate him and there's never a day new mom So he just keeps going up to people being like hey you should check out Bible Club And everyone's like shut the fuck up James. Okay. Wow Man, or when are we shooting that scene where everyone's like James is awesome Why did we use my real name like everyone else got a character?

So James is trying to get them to like come to Bible Club and they're like gross. And a hot girl walks by and they stop paying attention to James's swollen butthole of a mouth to look at her. And he goes, come on guys, bounce the eyes. Bounce the eyes. And I thought he was just having a stroke, but I googled it.

And bounce the eyes is actually actually I've looked it up And there's a whole thing on the internet about it It comes from a book for Christian teens called every man's battle by Fred Stoker and Basically what stoker tells kids is like look you're naturally inclined to want to look at boobs and tits and and legs and and Pussies and stuff, but you got to learn to bounce your eyes. The moment you feel your eyes touch a girl, they bounce away to some else. I want to read that book so bad now. Everyone's amazing. Bounce your hands, Donald. Bounce your hands.

So yeah, so the hot chick walks by by they blow off the living wedgie or whatever uh... and and then we can walk in down hobo alley like bad kids do and and and they come across a homeless guy now this is so weird okay so this whole movie is supposed to be about this kid like being a bad kid and they're learning to be good but one of the first things we see him do is give a homeless guy forty bucks because he's just a nice guy. Right. But that never comes back.

I mean, it kind of comes back but it never matters in the movie. Also, they go so far out of their way to make sure we know it's a homeless guy. Like, you don't have to give him jeans that were attacked by a shark. Like, we get that he's a homeless guy. He's sitting there. It's got a little chimney sweep. I didn't get a nap. Penny's a homeless guy he's sitting there. It's got a little chimney sweep. I didn't get that. Penny for that.

Penny's going? Yeah, yeah. And we'll get back to that $40 because I have issues with it, but it'll, it'll, they'll make more sense later in the movie. So me when we got a cut to the party where there's all kind of alcohol and short, shorts, and I do believe every one of us has some reference to the opening scene of international gorillas. And there's no fear very much. I think I saw a Starbucks coffee, an IBC root beer and a you who. Yeah, it is until like a couple

of bottle other bottles of theirs. Look, I know Christian movie makers probably don't listen to our show a whole bunch, but just in case there's one or two out there, bottles do not necessarily equal beer bottles. Just we can see, based on the size and shape, that's a snapple bottle. I know what a snapple bottle looks like. And also, not everyone who takes a sip of a beer, and you should know this from when daddy did the bad touch, immediately shakes their head like it's Uncle Jay's moonshine. There's something to do like n nanny ice and they're like,

oh that's strong stuff. Strong stuff. They didn't even get red cups. They got see through plastic cups. Come on people. There's also, and this is very important spiritually to me that everyone knows this. For some reason they didn't want to say hell yeah in this movie. So throughout this movie the characters go,

H. Yeah. Yeah. That'll come up a couple of times. That comes back. That comes back. Yeah, especially Cameron who apparently wears his sunglasses at night at parties. Oh, he's the fucking, I hate him so much.

So punchable. He was the worst outside. Now he's even more the worst, because they're in his carabal. Also, one other thing about the drinking Partway through the scene Sean the main character actually passes out from a drink That doesn't happen like you're a teenage girl that saw Elvis You don't swoon into your bed because

Yeah, right, but that's how we have to get to him flashing back to fights with his dad and my notes here were just generic angry kid words generic reasonable dad words. And we should talk about like they did not write a script for this movie or if they did they like had a tie guy translate it for them because it is nonsense like you hear it and it just immediately leaves your brain it's impossible to remember because it's like I don't want the pressure. You don't know what pressure is. You're perfect Son, what are we gonna do? Just give me the money and I'm just like oh I heard all those words I knew what they meant, but in the order they said them I didn't hear anything

There is so much of that there's one scene in particular where I'm just like they're angry at each other and I have no idea why like they're angry at each other and I have no idea why. But yeah, it's painfully fucking bad. It's as though they were working from two separate scripts on this little fight. But yeah. Yeah, one of them was varsity blues because he's basically like, I don't want your laugh. Yeah.

And then, okay, so then we get this weird little back story moment. It's the back story of him leaving home as an adult. Right. Like all movies contain adults who don't live with their parents and few of them feel like they need to fill you in on how that came to be. Well, first he got pushed out of a vagina

and then kindergarten first grade, second grade third grade bubble bubble. Then he buys a car. Yeah, right. And then you know, kindergarten first grade, second grade third grade, bubble bubble. Then he buys a car. Yeah, right. And he buys a car in cash, in a handful of cash from a disembodied arm. And I've brought my notes, dude, get the car facts.

This episode brought to you by CarFacts.com and Donald Trump. Grab your car by the pussy. But this whole intro scene is just him buying a car and renting apartment like you do as a grownup, but we're supposed to be like oh bad I know that's so fucking bizarre if this whole movie felt like this kid trying to set up in his own mind that moving back and with his parents was the right thing to do It was a good thing to do was a wise decision or whatever. Because yeah, it presents like him doing that the way like the way another movie might present like deciding to go ahead and suck the cock for crack.

Yeah, doing the math. They played the math music and they shoot it in the math lens, but he's just like so first of the moment, the guy's like, ah, you know, anytime in the first two weeks of the month, just get it to me and it's like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And it's like, no, that's not the, I want that music to follow me around just like every time I move my right leg. So I have to figure it out. And she's like, wait, is it, this is bad? This is the thing right here.

I don't, why am I not supposed to do this? Hotter, colder. Yes. Fucking bizarre choices. Many of bizarre choice. Meanwhile meanwhile back in the present day he's waking up after the party um and i just the only reason i'm what i mentioned this is because we we keep seeing this picture of him with his parents

which means that the the kid who wrote this movie is like i need something that represents my relationship with my parents what can we use what could be oh i got it a picture of me with my parents. What could we use? What could we? Oh, I got it. A picture of me with my parents. What about this giant painting that used to hang in my living room of me and my parents? No, no, two subtle. So and now it's time to meet the the female lead when he wanders into a diner and she happens to be waiting tables. Right. And he's like, Hey, what's your name? And she's like, I don't want to tell you my name. And then he's like, I want to know your name.

So she's Sherlock Holmes him. She's like, you have been in that. Tell me when your nipples, did they grow chaff? And? Papabines. I literally had she is the Sherlock Holmes slash animal ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Chan. Really? Yes. Literally she says, I'm not interested and his response is, I'm a good guy. Yeah. Oh my fucking God.

So yeah, so basically like he's hitting on this waitress, she makes it very clear that she's not interested. And we're supposed to think, well, that stinging bit, she better, he better really dig in there, maybe stalk her a little later, maybe show up at her work at hours and stuff. Then he sure lot combs is her right back. Well, except for all his stuff is stupid. He's like, I see that you have legs.

Yes, true. You appear to be bipedal. It's your left-handed. No, that's irrelevant to everything. Yeah. Okay. But you are though, because you're, but I, because you're, you're pen. I saw your pen in your left hand.

What were you not thinking of a red card, not? And she's like, all right, mentalist. My name's Ali. And I have a crater in my face that we're just not going to talk about. I'm in this movie. Just a big, all moon spot. Also she's a dancer. Now I don't mention that because that's important. I mention that because that is the only line of character that this character will ever be given.

She is a dancer. What does she do in her spirit? She dances. Dance. Period. And I'm convinced that's because that's the only way Christian movies can think of sneaking cleavage, but whatever. She's a goddamn dancer. She describes being a dancer the way I describe to strangers that I work in radio. When they're like, oh, what radio? I'm like, radio. And they're like, really? I have a show on the radio. Really, what do you have radio?

I'm not fighting with you about this radio. I can't tell you the name of any of these things. So now we're back to like a smoke filled party room where Cameron is being all high and disrespectful and Sean is rethinking all the bad choices he's made in the first several minutes of this movie. Yeah, and Cameron's starting line here at the beginning of the scene is, I'm not going to hold your hand after that. Are you kidding me? Like what? Situation is he talking about like Buffalo wings on a date like cattle insemination. What were they doing? Buffalo wings and cattle insemination.

Yeah, the way that I happen to either or. By the way, if you guys want to enter, you can win a Buffalo Wings and Cowan Semination date with you. It's on omaze. But no, Cameron's telling like, I thought it was a hand job story. I thought it was like, if you jerk me off, I came in her hand and I was like, gross, I'm not touching you. But how I've had my juice on my hand, like right now I have my juice on my hand. How is that disgusting? Yeah, juice on your hands is like the incredible Hulk. It's my hand like what do we how is that disgusting yeah juice on

your hands is like the incredible Hulk it's just like it's I'm all at the secret is I'm always I'm just on my camera camera and before this scene the actor that played Cameron wrote bad people say chicks and like that was his note because he was just like so this chick and that chick chick

chick chick chick chick yeah and black, chick, chick, chick. Yeah. And black girl hears that and she storms off. Right, right, exactly. But he talks her down by telling her that she's sexy when she's mad. Nobody has ever lived through saying that. Right. I turned to Anna at this point we were watching the movie

and I said, how would you and she said, I punched you in the balls and I was like, fair. Fair. point we were watching the movie and I said how would you and she said I punch you in the balls and I was like fair. Now I'm really mad how sexy was that. Also Cameron has pills of drugs. Okay guys he has very clearly a bottle of like a moxasillin in a biotic and they act like it's ecstasy. It's. Well, because you know, you get prescribed exe, it comes all over the street. I was like, what are those perks? Cause like perks don't make you go into like,

woo, you should be like, all right. This wine is better now. Yeah, right. Exactly. Holy shit. So, yeah, so that they take drugs and have sex with black women until the night is is done. And then we show him waking up.

And like basically we're 16 minutes into the pre-movie now. It'll be nice when the story starts. And then we get some more of this shitty 10th grade voiceover diary nonsense. And it's, this is, this is the most amazing moment of the movie to me because the big revelation that he has here is he goes in the voiceover I'm like the main character in a movie aren't I? Oh, it's such a bad voiceover they do this throughout the movie. It's like Webster's Dictionary defines choices is the bad things I'm making with the start of this essay and this movie. Yeah, you're the main character. The monologue throughout this film is trying to fill the 10-page double-space limit. He's like, and many people would say that that isn't the way, but to those

who would say that it isn't the way I would say, he's like, oh my Right. Oh, it's so fucking painful, so fucking bad. It's everything anyone ever wanted you to read that you didn't want them to read to you. The movie. Yeah. But that's okay, because now he's gonna soccer tackle the waitress girl. It's, this is the clobsy as bumping into someone

seen in the history. It's so stupid. It's like an already met cute. That's like they already have many each other. Whatever. It's fine. Yeah. Yeah. So he's walking by texting or whatever and bumps into the literally bumps into the waitress, knocks her to the ground. In the clumsiest, oh, let me sit down now. Kind of way you can imagine.

Yeah. So he offers, he offers to walk her wherever she's going. And I want her to just go, you taught. I'm going to fucking you talk. Get your fucking boots on, bitch. But she's like, no, I would rather you didn't. He's like, oh, I'm going to walk with you anyway. So you don't really have a choice. Isn't that romantic?

And it's not. It's not. It's not. It's stalking. She just hasn't blown her whistle yet. Can I get one of those? Here comes the romance train. Also they have this weird, and it's because it's badly written, but they have this fucking insane moment where she won't tell him what kind of dance she does. He's like, what kind of dance? She's like, what kind of dance? And I was like, at this point, she's a stripper, right? She has to be a stripper. Otherwise, you're just like ballet. Yeah, anyway. Yeah. And also like his strategy, I guess again, keep in mind this actor wrote this movie for himself, right? So the lines he writes for himself when

he meets this girl is like, oh, I'm very interested in you. So let me tell you all about myself and my backstory. He's though he's not even charming when it's a script. And her script clearly says be charmed by this before her line, but she clearly hates him. Yeah, oh yeah. Right, and lacks the acting acumen to pretend she doesn't for any moment in this fucking movie. Well, yeah, and she doesn't know when she's supposed to be charmed because all of his lines are so terrible.

So he'll be like, anyways, and she'll be like, ha ha ha, when was I, what was the joke? You know, your character is told my character that I found charming. Are we done shooting and he put another layer of lacquer on my teeth? So, but the important thing is he browbeats her into a date. Fuck this movie. And now it's back to English class so he can noisily show up late and professor Truman can get angry at him again.

Right, because again, this is telling your story 101. This has been weeks into the class and he's still giving the long monologue about whether or not your story matters. And then he branches off into some people will even write and wrong and some people are atheists. Yeah, what he does. Oh my god, it's so fucking stupid. Yeah. First of all, English teacher. Well, in English, apparently, is the plot of this movie 201 or whatever.

Yeah. Yeah. Because there's no, he never is like, they're never talking about an assignment that they've read or never read a book composition. Nothing. No, in English class, they never read a fucking book. It's all like how to keep a 10th grade, I got dumped diary. I believe you can major in that. Yeah, and the professor, he's still doing like drill sergeant thing, but now he's like trying to be socrates at the same time. Like, oh, maybe there's no such thing as a good story or a bad story. But then, everything I say with a question mark, I sound like a professor.

I mean, professor? You know, they've been a world of morality, right? Come on, how did you transition to that? Like, the world needs absolute morals from higher power. Now that religion's fading away, kids are getting raped. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Rollin' it back, rollin' it back. He calls one Cameron, and Cameron literally gives

a Donald Trump answer, and he's just like Cameron. Cameron's like, oh, the best things, the best assignments, the best, the greatest assignments. We'll build an assignment and it'll be the best. And he's like, all right, that wasn't word Sean and Sean apparently rejects the Aristotelian ideas of drama as opposed to poetics. But instead he stands up and he's like, why do you hate God? Sorry, wrong movie, wrong movie. Yeah, no, okay, so I was going to put this guy in a chokehold by now. But that's the thing is that like only tangentially related to the question that Professor Truman was expounding on here.

Sean just goes off on this, like, I don't want anyone telling me what to do speech, which he will do over and over again in this fucking movie. And, but the way frames that here is he's like, I feel like life is about finding your own meaning. And I'm right now in my notes, like this goddamn movie is going to be anti finding your own meaning, isn't it? Yeah. He's trying to convince himself that this is possibly a good movie too. He's like, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha fun to watch but there is a great moment where the professor is like yeah stand up defend your great case and he talks for 30 seconds and he's like sit down he's like you asked me to stand up you're damn right I did this is poorly staged we didn't think through the blocking at all and and but but what is yelling he's yelling angry at dad in an after school special words

you know like they're in the middle of this uh... who gives a fuck with their in the middle of the discussion but now suddenly in the middle of this english class this kid is arguing with the professor over whether people can tell him what to do and how to live his life yeah i mean i got admit i mean maybe i didn't take the right english classes but whether or not there's an absolute source of morality never came up when we were discussing moby fucking dick. But then again, we read stuff in my English classes and mostly talked about other people's

books. Oh, did you not read chapter three of the English textbook? Yeah. In your English class? Yeah. Do college English classes have a textbook like that? Or is it just like pieces of literature as I understand? Okay, go to one college. Come on. Right at some point. Yeah, but the clear message here is

Professor Truman thinks that Sean needs more God or he'll fail English and keep showing up late for class or whatever. And because we're, we're literally just recycling scenes after the professor Truman class scene comes the Cameron and Sean commiserating over the previous scene scene. Yep. Yeah. So now we get the two of them are talking about how there's no absolute authority of right and wrong, et cetera. Like kids do, you know, but they're kind of growing out about it. Like it's not even like supposed to be a philosophical talk. Cameron's like, hey, man, can I ask you a serious question? I was gonna get like, crystal and absolute. And do you think there's right and wrong

from like an ontologue? I'm just kidding. Oh, also get some garnish. Get like cherries. Girls like cherries. Yeah, and this was the first time I noticed the H. Yeah, I didn't realize they'd if they'd been saying that earlier in the movie, I didn't notice it until now. Netflix's subtitles rejected it. Netflix has heck yeah. Yeah, whatever hearing impaired

person was in charge of this movie was like, nope, not today. You're not right in H. Dan, you're right in heck. You're right in H.D. down. You're writing heck. You're writing heck and I'll take the consequences because this movie, I've had to do three Christian movies this week and Shirley's gotten to do the Ben Affleck ones. She gets to pause them and figure out what he's saying. So fuck it, fuck it. I'm gonna make one of them say,

cut. I also love to, okay, so, because this is when Cameron like learns that there's this waitress chick that he's flirting with or whatever. And Cameron's, the character's going like, hey, man, if she's a church girl, you just have to ease her into things, but she'll still fucking basically. And I love how all of these movies pretend that Christian girls are harder to fuck than like the church girls don't fuck.

Yeah. I'm sorry. every girl in my fucking high school was a church girl yeah even the pregnant ones and I love that like even if they do fuck it's because the guys trick them into it like women no women ever want to have sex in Christian movies no ever it's just about how well they resist the wiles of men because they're like oh look the coins in one hand it's gone have sex me like I oh look, the coins in one hand, it's gone, have sex with me. And they're like, ah, fuck, I didn't follow the coin.

All right, let's go. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, love in the bad man. All right, my high school was different than yours. It just seemed like all the girls didn't fuck. I, regardless of religion, whatever. Ha, ha, ha, ha. It's a totally different, different geography.

Yeah, I told them I was starring in the musical in my high school, never seemed to impress the way I thought it should. Baaah! It's another day. It's another day. So this is of course also where we get the first him getting money out of the ATM shot and I'm just like stabs just staring at the screen going like is someone gonna run it? Is he gonna get robbed? Is there gonna be a reason for this? No, but nope. Do you want to receive? Let's see if he gets to receive. I want to receive. Why don't you read it? Check your balance, dude. Why not check your balance? God damn it. Also, we learn his pen starts with 15 years. Luke 15, super clever. Also, he lives in apartment 15. They're all over this. Very subtle. Crazy. How well they managed to weave that. I tied it.

So now it's back to Dancer girl. And we're coming to the end of her two student dance class. I love this. This is so clearly the one dude's daughters or whatever. Yeah. Because she has to be like telling her class to leave. But it's just two girls who are obviously sisters about four years apart.

Yep. Couldn't even rustle up nine young girls for this and he could be like and do that that sunday afternoon and not about her she's bar that's true and you told me to offer him wine uh... ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and and then i guess she's gonna dance until he shows up so finally we learned that the style of dancing that she does is masturbating and porn for women ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha terrible activity that should be expunged from the earth. She's dancing like Lebowski's landlord. It's really sad. Like she's part of an improv troupe and somebody yelled out ballet dancer. And she was starting.

She had the time of her life. She never felt this way before. It's one of them. And he watches her from the window and it's supposed to be this like, she's so beautiful moment. But it's like, it was like a dance because it's just a person rolling around on the fucking floor there's nothing dance I'm not a mobile man but I can do every dance move

this actress does and I shall at Qed next week tune in I just like my actual note when he comes in is you said you could dance, but I've never seen park or that impressive. It was it was painfully bad. But also the other thing too is that like again, a good actor could sell this is this like, oh, I'm captivated by her dance, even if her dance is crappy. But what he sells is I'm masturbating just below this fucking shot. Yeah.

It's incredibly creepy, but so now he takes her out on a date and they try to be clever with this. You can tell that this is the one date this guy thinks he nailed in his life. Yeah. Because he does this whole like five senses thing. He's like, first I'm going to wow your sense of sight and blah blah blah but it's actually dinner in a movie. Well first they go to a museum hallway. That was the darkest part. Well actually we're getting to the darkest part of this movie but that was one of the weirdest

parts of this movie. They're so clearly in a hallway lined with photographs and they're so clearly supposed to be in a museum and both the actors are like, well, this didn't look as good as we thought it would be. We should give your mom her family photos back. Yeah, right. This is the hall to the dentist. This is the hallway they take you down to the little room. Yes. I loved his line though.

He looks great. He looks at one of the little panties the way. He's like, I enjoy the lack of resolve in that piece. Really? After that, I usually say, let's touch brains, but it never seems to work. Well, and then we have to reinforce the whole how classy as this motherfucker, because then he takes her to like an art house theater. And they walk out, they, like, they we see him going in and then they we seem coming out immediately after with the most banal generic after movie talk you can imagine he says she says I can't believe the step is so that they can cleverly lead into the part where he's like,

oh, I was sure it was going to be the pastor and she goes, you have something against pastors? It's like, do you have something against stepmoms? But whatever, that's where the conversation now goes so that she can learn that his dad was a pastor and also that he doesn't like everyone telling him what to do. And Lord knows to her surprise the only one who could ever reach her. It's not a reach or man.

This turns out here. As it happens, yeah. Lovely. So now it's time for smell and taste. And they're walking through a creepy like back alley. And he's like, all right, smell and taste. And she's like, okay, what is it? I wanted to want to be like oh it's a surprise right behind this dumpster check it out that was the clear tone of this character it really was it really was a moment of like smelling taste

come over here no no I want to hear wait let's shout and see if anyone turns ah help me I don't know and then we get to the second time this has happened in a movie we've watched and the most depressing moment, which is where he's feeding her sushi, but it's supposed to be crazy exotic. Why is sushi exotic? That's really your bummer.

It's really, because that's not related to Christianity. That just means that these people are like, but what does he do to like captivate her to a faraway land? And it's like, I don't know. There's that Chinese restaurant where they wrap it all up in the seaweed. And it's like, I think it's Japanese. Yeah, whatever. Chinese Japanese look at these. If there's a goddamn restaurant devoted to it in Veldosta, fucking Georgia, it is not exotic people. But again these characters are like what is this called and he's like oh it is from the far off land of Yapan It's fucking in so depressing so depressing

Yeah, and then she goes like So yeah, so they watched a movie and they went to a museum and they ate food and she's like what about sound And I'm like was was it a silent movie? Did, are you not talking? I mean, like, like, I get how you're trying to frame it, but that's not even within your frame, that makes no sense. And I want to point out, I wrote as a joke in my notes

when she says, what about sound? I wrote in my notes. I want him to just start singing. If you don't know, you don't be hilarious. There really wasn't it was really bad. But I love to because his answer here is like, I figured you to ditch me by now and she's like, yeah, you know what, that is a great idea.

We're done. I'm leaving. You gave me a lot of help. And he's like, sure. And then, yes, we get to hear him fucking sing. And this is where I went to all caps and bold in larger font. Oh, I want it so bad for just a better singer to walk in and steal the date. You can hook a fellow group, fly it now.

We have to listen to him sing for five minutes. And it's pretty goddamn bad. And so once that's over, I guess we just have to linger in this brain callous in conversation a little bit longer. So she goes like, why did you leave home, Sean? You over 18 year old in college, you, this is not a question that needs answered. Why did you, because I'm over 18 and I'm in college. Well, they're back to back like they're doing a fucking prom portrait.

I wrote my notes, are they about to duel? That would be a good twist for this movie if these characters now duel. For no reason whatsoever, they have the character stage, the stage of this conversation on opposite ends of a fucking street light facing away from each other. Yeah, no goddamn reason for this.

But yeah, so basically he explains to her that, you know, his parents wanted him to go to a Christian school, but he felt like he could excel at community college, so he took his chances. And she comes from a broken home and has daddy issues. Well, right, and I love to that, like, you know, because my biggest issue with this movie, well, one of my biggest issues with this movie was just then it like 12 in all these non-existent problems right like

all this kid has it so hard with all these people telling him about a live his life and I love that like as soon as she goes into her back source like yeah my dad abandoned me when I was three and I'm like oh well then this guy needs to shut the fuck up around you forever right about his problems but he smells like old spice. So it's working. Working. Yeah, I wrote down, you ever want to meet him or like role play meeting him? Just for a while.

I'm just doing this. Just me. This one guy right now who's super uncomfortable, I feel you did. Just you and me. So he doesn't get a cast or anything. He boots him off. And so I guess then he goes to meet up with Cameron and salacious black girl After the date to drink more alcohol and be more bad

right and Basically they they're wandering around the campus and Cameron's like hey man look that's that's professor Tubman's class You should you should do a monologue into this camera and throw, throw, throw, throttle. And so he does, yes, this clumsily set up, like you should scream what's really on your mind into the air right now. But it's so terrible.

He's literally, he's just like, what am I? I do what I want. Throws a bottle and he's like, I broke something or something. All right, let's go. That's the thing he's just like, what am I? I do what I want. It throws a bottle and he's like, I broke something or something. All right, let's go. That's the thing is take a care of. Cut. Right. So now that we got his fucking profanity freed tirade about his angster, whatever, the key thing that we have to know about this is that the black girl was videotaping at the whole time. And then he throws the bottle and apparently breaks a window

or something post monologue. Yeah, it's, it's Professor Tubman the back of the head. And the speech is so bad. Like it might as well be John Gaunt. Like he might as well ask of God if he's being detained in the middle of it. So shitty. So now we're back in class and Seanawn isn't even paying attention to professor

Truman he's fantasizing about how awesome it was to throw that bottle i guess yeah and and basically so basically the professor says to him like so shawn have you decided what act to will be about have you decided about my false dichotomy yet? Either a choices matter or b you want to continue being an atheist time to choose So terrible Listen, I do not like the way you are planning to live the rest of your life And I will give you a bad grade on a creative writing assignment if you do not change your mind That's the stakes of this film folks and. And also, I love again, how little they're paying attention to their own fucking movie. At this point, like he gets

a call from his mom and he just ignores it. And we're supposed to be going like, oh, he's ignoring calls from mom, but he's in class. Yeah, he's sorry, Professor, I know you're talking directly to me, but my mom is calling me. Who knows? But yeah, and then Professor Truman stops him on his way out of class because again, we're just recycling scenes from this point on. And again, same exact conversation. I want you to know you're the main character from Catcher in the Rye, but that's a bad thing for different reasons. Yes, yes, he tells me as a

bench potential, but no discipline. And the professor also threatens how he's going to be grading those paper. Like, who the fuck else would be grading the papers? Yeah, how is that a threat? Was he even trying to say, I love to know what they actually think college is? Yeah, yeah, anyway, so everyone hands your paper to the

right. And if you make it from the top down to the bottom, that's an a. If you only make about halfway down, you fail. And light their chair on fire. Somebody right, your God's dead on it. And then you'll be okay. But okay, but also like the movie is But okay, but also like the movie is talk, okay, because like the movie is the assignment that he's writing, is the essay about his life, right? So the movie is stopping at the end of act one to say, you know, the first part of this movie wasn't very good. You can do better than this.

And I appreciate the honesty. I appreciate that they're giving their own script of failing grade within the film. That's true. So now guess what happens after class? We get Cameron and Sean commiserating about class for the third goddamn time in the first half of this film. However, we do get a really golden moment here where Cameron goes,

yeah, man, I mean, my parents used to give me money to go away all the time. And it's like, I get it, Cameron. I get it. Also, for this whole little scene here there's a table stuck to the camera lens I think. I'm just like you're gonna wipe that off or move or not. They are not. They are not. A little bit you guys didn't you forgot to bring the tripod today? Anyway yeah so and of course course, this is more like Cameron, like trying to tempt him and to go on out and partying

tonight instead of studying because he doesn't have God. So, you know, there's like peer pressure, peer pressure, arm twist, arm twist, and he agrees. You have this forbidden apple hard ciders. This is, all right, you're the bad guy Ray Bans, we got it. Yeah. And then we finally get a little tiny K-sorbs fix. Yeah.

He's eating with mom. Mom looks like Gollum put on a blonde wig to trick someone out of the precious. It looks like she should be explaining that Graham by the pussy is a compliment on Fox news. Yeah. And it also, there's this another great blocking moment here because this scene starts with her setting down the plates. The scene's 18 seconds long and ends with him picking up the plates. Well, dinner minute is over.

Wow. That's like they have no fucking idea, do they? And, and of course, this is just so that she can say to him as he's taken the plates into the kitchen, she's like, I called him today. And then there is sadness and there is sadness piano hitting. Yeah. That's it. We just, we just wanted to remind you, K-Sorbs is in this movie. Yeah. And we already know you called him. Your son's the main character. He was in the last scene. Who saw that happen? Yeah. Again, all we have established here is that K-Sorbs is in this movie. And I think that's him your son's the main character he was in the last scene who saw that happen yeah second dinner again all we have established here is that case

orbs is in this movie and I think that's all they were going for yep well to be fair in the last scene the phone did say home so a lot of people watching this movie are probably like wait why are you get a call from my home that's what my phone did you call this motherfucker run out of make sure nobody's wife beaten, so they had to put that into clarifying. That could be it. That could be it.

So now we get more of like just sort of a montage of him needing to get his life together where his voice over is basically saying, I'm not sure who I am as a character. Yeah, exactly. Also, they try to do the Zach Brath thing, the like Garden State montage where everyone speeds up and he's sitting on the couch, but they don't know how to do it right. So it's obviously like a couple of people just like,

hey, grab it. Grab it. Grab it. And what are the lines here? It's the voice over he's going, the hardest choice in life is deciding who to listen to and Then they give you a shot of Ray bands looking all douchey and evil and I so wanted to cut to like God also wear Hey bands on the couch. Don't take it a bong hit like all right shit

God don't be a jerk clear it man You're gonna get the glass all foggy. Let me step it out So so then he he goes back to see the waitress. And this is, you know, because it's not just college, they don't know how works. It's also working. They have never been to a restaurant, or yeah, possibly any job.

Yeah, waitresses love it when you show up at their job and try to get them to leave two hours before they cash out. And the rest of the staff hates it when they leave. They have side work. That's not happening. No. Right. So that's what happens.

He comes in and he's like, Hey, I thought we could go out. She's like, I have two more hours before my shift is over in her boss. He's like, Yeah, we don't need you. She's like, Yeah, but I work for money. Now, you're good. Don't worry about it. Get out of here. You and she just literally drops her apron on the floor.

And you imagine after she leaves that waitress turns to a full restaurant and is like, all right, Karen, today's the day. They serve an entire diner on your own. Yeah, I love to that. Yeah, she doesn't even have to change her grab anything from the back. She just wanders out the door in her. Yeah. So then we get them like wandering in the park and stuff because apparently they didn't, they didn't think we got them like wandering in the park and stuff because apparently they didn't. They didn't think we got enough of these two fucking characters to get that, oh, they have a budding romance. Yeah. So the director decides that we need to watch them like go to date,

rape point together for a little while too. Well, you see, she mentioned earlier that dancing is her escape and make out point is his escape. So he wanted to show it to her and He brought sparkling juice. Oh for which would be adorable if they were nine But if they're holding adults unless you're force feeding sparkling juice to a hitcher You have at the bottom of a well in your basement. You need to get yourself some fucking booze people And well in your basement. You need to get yourself some fucking booze people. And at Ellie's response, he breaks out the sparkling grape juice and the disgusting dirty plastic cups.

He's like, yeah, I tried the hard stuff a few times, but it wasn't worth it. Like, what the fuck is she like sparkling heroin? What a hard stuff. Yeah, I wrote, I used to drink the A word, but it was holding me back now. I'm a waitress who teaches kids dance Right. Yeah, exactly now my dreams are coming through And it's so like yeah, and she's like going like oh, this is so beautiful I'm like this is make out point from a 50s movie, but also ladies never let this guy any guy really But this guy take you to this place. This could not be a rapier location. There's a great moment where she's,

they're like having this heart to heart and we should point out that she says something that's like from her heart and then she goes, I don't know why I'm saying all this. Constantly throughout the movie, as though you have to have your life story tortured out of you during a courting process. But she goes, I don't know, I've always wondered if it was my fault that my dad left when

I was three. And I wanted to be like, I mean, did you go super hard on animal crackers? Sometimes that's a lot of pressure. Yeah, we also get this, her telling the story of being jealous because one of her friends dad's bought her a little cross necklace. She's like, yeah, I wanted it so bad. It was just this little thing that you could easily get me later in the movie. But yeah, so we sat that up nice and subtle.

And then she's like, so what about you? And he goes, I got tired of being told how to live. And she's like, that's it. He's like, that's my only motivation and most of my lines. Yep, that's it. That's all I have to say. And he goes in for a kiss. And he leads it. And he gets denied. It's so awkward. It's it. That's all I have to say. And he goes in for a kiss. And he leads him and he gets denied.

It's so awkward. It's amazing. I just wrote never move the camera again. I love it. So fun. But it's not even like him going in for a kiss. He starts to lean in slightly towards her and she just keeps going, I can't not now. And I'm like, you can't kiss. Okay. Like you can't, but she's like no not yet Three two one still no

It's not I don't want to kiss you moment. It's like the dog is watching. It's that the dog is watching moment It was it was a Painfully awkward moment compared to trying to kiss a chick that doesn't want to kiss you like for that it was awkward. Yeah, so yeah Yeah, and also I love that like leading up to that. He basically tells her's like you're so lucky your dad abandoned you God you don't even know how hard it was my dad always wanted me to do things and stuff Never even knew you I'm crushing this I wrote these lines down for me to say Herpes did I go with Elva this time come on I'm gonna hit an event time just go an alphabetical at this point now

And now it's time for more like shitty V. Oh while he gets more money out of the ATM And basically the V. Oh is just like my life is so rough All I have in life is this car and money that I don't have to work for, and a college tuition, and parents that love me, and white skin, and heterosexuality. But other than that, I'm on my own. And this remote control, this VCR, this battle game.

And it's, these aren't bad things. It's like, it's food that he's been using his money for tuition and room and board, and like home who's guy how is this bad that's not what protocol means yeah well that's just a thing yeah because eventually the money runs out and we're supposed to be like yeah you shouldn't have lived your life like that but all we ever see him spending money on is the kind of shit that your parents would give you money for when you go to college if you had parents who could give you money when you went to college. Look at you renting a room to sleep in like a prince.

There's also this is Cameron comes out again because hey we haven't gotten enough wacky antics with Cameron and Cameron's like hey man are you in the friend zone he's like I'm not in the friend zone drink apple juice and I'm not allowed to kiss her. It's going great. To which camera says, Hey, let's go get ice cream like grownups, you know, like grownups do. We also get another terrible voiceover in the scene. He's like, how do you find a good ending for your story? Seriously, we need to fill 45 more minutes.

If you know how to end this story, plus three, Marquessinka. Also, okay, so then in the next scene or whatever, we get him texting the dancer girl. You know, she's stretching because she's dancer girl. We literally watch them have a full, fucking text message conversation, not like, Hey, what's going on?

Not much, let's get, we watch them text back like seven fucking times. And each time I was like, it's still going. It's still fucking going. It's still fucking going. It's like the vomiting scene from family guys. It's just like, I can't believe how long I've been thought we would have to,

they thought it was a good idea for us to read over characters, shoulders in this movie. Well, right. And that's the thing. It's not like they're doing that thing like in house of cards where you can just read the text on the screen or whatever. They're, we're like looking at it from an angle and you can tell the camera man's going, no, no, little more to me, little more to me and up. We actually spend time watching it say other person typing dot dot dot that happens for several minutes in this Yeah, this movie clearly seems to think these pictures are moving is still enough Yeah, but then he finally texted to try to get another date and it's basically like oh sorry I tried to kiss you hadn't spoken to your dad yet or

Any other men with leans One more time. And it works. Yeah, right. So they meet again at date rate point because the scene we had two scenes ago, we have to do again now because apparently they just didn't get everything out that last time. But we do get a little problem of evil here. He brings a problem of evil and her response is maybe it's your fault you can't guess

God's favorite number between one and a million. Well, yeah, the the the janitorial apologetic of the day is maybe you're not trying hard enough to listen to God. And look, I'm sorry, but like as a person who communicates for a living, that's not how it works. You know, if somebody like writes me and says, like, hey, I can't download your show this week. I don't say, well, you're not trying hard enough to listen. That's on me. That's my fault is to communicate, er. Okay, but seriously, some of the time, most of the time when you people message us,

like your phone's broken. I always miss me like 20 minutes later, and you're like, it's working now. And I'm like, yeah, cause I would have gotten a thousand fucking messages if it wasn't just you. Look at the Facebook page. Jesus Christ, my personal Facebook Facebook you think I do the editing

I'm trying not to eat peanuts during the record. It's fine. I'm not mad Fine Audio boom. It's on audio boom now. How many of you got it from limpson? Would you just open your fucking computer like a serial killer and walked around with an open laptop listening to our show by an iPod? I still love you guys Open laptop. Listen to our show by an iPod. I still love you guys. So yeah, yeah, but this is also where she gives him the, I've been going to church line and I love to, because she's like, I've been going to church and he throws out the,

why with all the disgust that I would use if Lucinda said it to me. Why her room, and he like throws a rock. And he's like, Hey, I mean, if you're going to go to church, go ahead, but like, be careful. Church is a full of spikes and vampires. Well, she's like, be careful. And I want him to go, yeah, you know, the raping stuff, you know, it's actually pretty widespread in there.

And they have a whole system covering up. And she's like, oh, good looking out. But no, instead we dwindle on Pascal's wager a little bit. And we also get some more of him trying to like build into the script himself, working out a better script in his script. He shows up for the day. He's like, hey, I need more good scenes for this move. My story.

Do you know about screenwriting? And then he actually lists like several types of good scenes in movies that this movie will not ever have. Right, right. She's like, well, what's in a good movie? He's like explosions and compared to dialogue and characters that you give a fuck about stakes, you know, I don't know. Obviously, I don't know. Are we gonna roll cameras? This is also where they take a second to shit on James because she's like, yeah, I go to church and there's this Bible group And he's like, oh, is this room by some asshole named James and I wanted the other action to be like, oh wow He's gonna look silly when they shoot the scene later where James turns out to be super cool, right? I haven't gotten this schedule for that day yet. Has anyone seen what day that

is? We only got Kevin for another nine minutes, guys. Right. I hear he's going to come over and give me a big ol high five. And also again, we get this scene where he tries to go in for the fucking she stiffsome. Oh like red light He goes in like Jack Reacher trying to do a headbutt. Yeah, right. It's tonight. I rewind it so many times I watch this like ten more times The where he is. It's pretty good. I'm just right to my nose like dude You should let you know there's there are signals and stuff because if you don't wait for the signals That's raping.

I just want to throw that out there. Anyway, so they're both sitting there thinking of each other and then we're shot at camera and putting on his sunglasses for no fucking reason. And we're back to English class. And basically the teacher's like, so far in this class we have decided what your life is and what it's about. What do you think we'll do for the ending? And one of the kids is like suicide packed and he's like, close, close. No, your final assignment is figure out the point of your entire existence. You will be great.

Yeah, he actually says, what makes your story worth being told? And apparently the rest of the scripts just can be reciting a Sid Field's book, I guess. I can't make it so bad. And then we get our third stopping Sean after class scene so that we can let him know that the professor is much more impressed with the way act two is going. It's movies improving. Also the dean needs to see him so he goes to the dean and literally this is the scene and again don't watch this movie this movie's super boring and terrible but hey if you're gonna do this thing can I do the

audio hiss in the background throughout my notes I have no how you like that you like that how you like that cricket every time they go to make out point you like that? Just a cricket being like you're moving fucking socks So he comes in and literally the dean turns around his chair goes mr. Smith come in and they zoom in on a shiny fucking bald spot of a head It could not be more comical And attractive It was very like JJ Abrams the way they shot this one yeah sharp looking dean We all agree he's a sharp looking dean and that he was

So but of course this is where we learn that they've seen video of him throwing the bottle. Oh, no! Well, he goes, we found a video of you on a social networking site. That sentence never ends well because Sean's like, yeah, I'm a pretty popular guy. And it's like, no, but I don't call people in just

every time I see them in moving pictures. And of course, if we crazy billionaire this, because they just, you know, they just play the audio when he turns the computer around and the audio is gay porn in the crazy billionaire version. Oh, sorry, nope, that was already up. That was already up. Oh wait, that is you too though.

We found you on that site too. So yeah, yeah, so that was there. That's why that was there. I blind you with the top of my head. So he escapes. So yeah, but the key here is that Sean is now expelled and has to pay $5,000 for the $5,000. Did he hit like a diamond sculpture? What the fuck? He fuck happened. You threw that into the Swarovsky crystal room. Also, they don't get to just like blackmail you for money. He's like, unless you want to get the police involved,

that'll be $5,000. That's blackmail. If someone breaks your shit, you have to get that money from them on a legal basis. You can't just be like, all right, 30 bucks. We'll call it even. Might as well be like, give us 10 million dollars. And of course, Sean is freaking out. He's like, I'll do anything.

I'll take acting classes. I swear, but if this thing in that video, you just showed me. Wait, wait, wait, I can polish your other head too. So now he goes home to be angry and sad. And they do the thing. Okay, you know the thing in movies where like the phone rings and he picks it up and starts automatically yelling, thinking he knows who it is, but he's got the wrong person. They do that.

But here's a couple of reasons why that's wrong. Number one, it's a cell phone. That's so no longer a thing. Yeah, that here's a couple of reasons why that's wrong. Number one, it's a cell phone. That's so no longer a thing. Yeah, that's not a thing. Number two, we don't even know who he thought that was. It's not like he was Jake, because usually in a movie when they do that, it's like, I just hung up the phone with Frank. And then their phone rings and I call back and I'm like, Frank, God damn it. And then it's the girl or whatever, but it's just that will like when his phone rings, he just randomly

assigns a person and starts yelling into it apparently. And he's like, you're right. God's great. And I'm awesome. And the guy's like, hey, man, I'm your landlord. You're a check bounced. Get out. Yeah.

Here's another thing they don't know how works. Yeah, it's actually his last two rent checks that bounced, we find out. And doesn't it seem like this call would happen a month ago? It seems like it. How does this work? checks that bounced we find out and doesn't it seem like this call would happen a month ago. How does this work? And then he's evicted by tomorrow? Well, by yeah, the end of the day today, or he turns into a pumpkin. What is the problem here?

You can't just evict people that day. Yeah, but in Christian movie universe, apparently you can. You can just call them up and say, hey, your last checkbouts get out of there by the end of the day and you have to. So, and then of course the kid throws the picture of his family. So now the glass is broken like it's a broken family. And then he yells at God so that I could get bingo and before the interstitial break. It's nice. Yeah. And he calls Cameron. He's like, Hey, man, I want to engage in some risk behaviors tonight. We do. We behaviors. We're not sure, bro.

We're not going to dare to resist drugs at all. And he's like, great. I'll see you tonight. Yeah, right. And then a few happy shots at the table with K storms later. And it's time for Sean to go to the big party. But before we can join him, I need a little bit of a reprieve from this stilted bullshit. So we're going to pause for a quick break.

But before we do, let me give act three, the hard sell here. Will Sean's pale and sickly skin burst into flame in the daylight? Will Cameron get grease-lighting running in time? Will dancer waitress girl and her friend not have enough money to pay for the pizza? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the pretentious conclusion of confessions of a prodigal son. Listen up, maggots! I want to make clear one thing right now. I ain't your mama and I ain't your friend You will learn in this class. You will learn harder than you have ever learned before and when you learn your butthole bleed

Do you understand me maggots? No, what's happening? Wait, wait what? Yeah You're not actually allowed to talk to us like that. No, and I mean why would you think this was a good way for anybody to To learn well, you know, I'm tough, but I'm firm. You work hard and it's been doing you'll be right right. Yeah, sorry That's that's not how learning works. That's how the military works. Do you think We're in the military? Wait, is this this bootcamp at Fort Wash?

No, no, no, no, this is a college class. Oh Fuck Well if I'm here Hello cadets. I'm drill instructor arm sim but you can call me TET Why don't we move all our chairs in a circle, I'll hand out the syllabus of all the push-ups and sit-ups that we're going to be doing this month, and then we'll do a little icebreaker. I'm Tiger Ted. Army's weird. Well, I like it. Ask me something.

Yeah, we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin our hero depravity already in progress because again, we're just recycling the same six scenes now it's time for a party scene. Right, but then we also cut to a Bible study, which has three people sitting in folding chairs as if the movie wants us to go, well, I don't know. This Bible study looks pretty stank nasty. Yeah. So and this is, I guess, I guess, Allie, the, the, the Wajrous girl is getting texts from Sean.

And I just want to point out like when we see her getting the call or whatever her phone screen has dancing on it because she's a dancer dancing dancer yeah yeah also she never has sleeves and always has precisely one inch of cleavage I think that's as much as you can get away with in the Christian movies anyway so yeah but he calls all drunken stone to tell her she should come to this party or whatever right and she acts like he's trapped under a car. She acts like lassies barking something about how he's shone's trapped in a well. She's like, I have to go. I have to say it's so clearly a drunk guy. Look, I know you're Christian and you're not used to the real world.

But everyone knows what like you should come. You should come here. Shut up. Shut up. You should come here, shut up, shut up, shut up. You can. Yeah, something tells me that's not her first. So and also like James, the door is, is hitting on her too, but Christian style.

So he offers to drive her to pick up her drunk boyfriend. I'm like, this is begging to be punched. There's like no more clearly. I want you to punch me in the face. Then what would you like me to drive you to the party where you can pick up your drunk angry boyfriend? Right. He wants the holder hand so far. Rist deep.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And I love to like the James Kerrger. He looks at the party. He just sees all the alcohol and hedonism. And he goes, are you sure? And he actually says, oh, God, guard your heart. Yep. I'll be praying for you. So the exact word, which means I'm going to jerk it in the car and cry while you're doing this. Just everybody knows. I think everything he said really meant I'm going to jerk it in the car and cry. Everything that actor has ever said means I'm going to jerk it in the car and cry everything that actor has ever said

Me hashtag jerk it in the car and cry Eli Bosnick story So then she shows up at the door and and Cameron answers the door and I just want to point out that Cameron and Sean are wearing matching white haze under shirts like team douche Yep, or something, but at any rate so like Cameron comes to the door He's like, oh, you must be the mysterious girl. He keeps talking about she wanders into the party and honestly like I guess She's too Christian to touch drunk people. Yeah, she's like, oh god

They've got alcohol on their hands. You can't get me. So yeah, and then he yells at her because he has no acting skills. So right. She's fighting at a party, the movie. Oh, for fuck's sake, this is a movie where you can't get up and be like, well, time to head home. Come on. Who's riding me? I got five in my car. Six if we sit in the laps. Come on people. Yeah, but you know, he yells that he doesn't need her help and he's fine without her and additional act three stuff.

Right. Anyway, yeah. So she storms out and he tries to chase her car down using his $6 million man powers that we just wanted to, no, no, no, no, but no, it's not quite that it's not quite going to work. So now he's going to get his car to chase her down despite being well over the legal limit. Oh, no. Right. And again, this is where we get the wonderful car crash, which is a car, a tree, a car again, There you go. You get it Sound yeah, and while he's doing well right before the the wreck were getting more Vio or whatever and now he's doing

He's monologueging in that style of like if you do not use contraptions even where it is silly not to you are profound you are profound. Eddie crashes his car to a tree because his own voice over was the track. He's basically like, they're all gonna laugh at you. They're all gonna laugh at you. So now he wakes up on the couch with a bag of ice on his neck. And I guess we're just supposed to have like, flirty fun conversation going on in the kitchen between Cameron and his girlfriend because they're making pancakes together. But the line that we started like we could put ranch on the pancakes and I just wrote fuck this

movie six minutes six minutes of this character Vamping about like you sure I think ranch would be pretty good. I got some strawberries I got some bananas. Let's name all the fruits we can while this character slowly locks into the room weekend while this car oh so bad and he's like what happened last night he goes like oh dude you wrecked your car and then he throws out the t he he that's funny ha ha ha ha that you would say that when it's obviously not true ha ha right but you can't even tell that that's what he's doing because he's such a bad

fucking actor yeah no it just did a much more realistic version of that fake laugh than the kid does, because he goes, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, he can't tell if he's having a nervous breakdown or laughing, yeah. And then they're like, no, really? And then he fake ass angry punches the wall too. He's like, fucking fridge, and he instantly comes calm and he's like, hey man, will you give me a ride? And he's like, look, you fridge any instantly comes calm and he's like, came in, will you give me a ride? And he's like, oh, yeah.

So fucking laughing without smiling. And then you try to fuck my fridge. Absolutely. Let's get my car together. You drive. Let's get you the fuck away from my poor girlfriend. Um, so, but now where he's, where he needs to ride to, it's not to where his car is.

It's not to the fucking impound or anything. It's to stalk his kind of girlfriend chick that went out with him twice at work. Right. That's where he next goes. The next scene is him showing up at work to stalk the waitress. So she literally just won't look at him. So he shows up and the other waitress is like, she doesn't want to talk to you. And he's like, oh, talk to her.

She's like, what, go away her. She's like, uh, what go away? And he's like, all right. Well, what do we do now in the movie? Well, he even says that he's like, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. And I'm like, it's like the script has become sentient, you know? So yeah, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and and and so then we get like more broody music as he looks over things in a sad way. And at this point I was laying bets that this kid actually wrote and performed this song. He didn't but I was pretty sure he yeah It was it was pretty close But this is also like this is weird moment of like look if I'm not gonna pass college and

Never be told what to do or be a preacher, I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do with my life. And it's like, dude, you have a million things you do. Get a job, do some shit, start a podcast, fuck. Yeah, right, right. Well, exactly, exactly. The stakes of this movie are literally any of the things that you could do, go do them. Yeah, exactly. Here's the thing. When I was this hypothetical characters age even though this actor is forty five when I was this hypothetical characters age I assume nineteen or twenty I was scooping rotten chocolate out from underneath the mats at fucking max Brenners in New York City from four a.m. to seven a.m. to get myself

through acting school and at no point was I as whiny as this entire right. Trouble free child is. Well, right, like they tried it. They the kid doesn't even have a job. His parents are just putting money on a bank forum for fuck's sake. That's like, it's like even fewer problems than the average affluent white kid in college. There's also an amazing moment in this montage where like he decides he does have to get a job

And he's just searching for janitor jobs like the only things that were available to him were preacher Past colleague and impressed black professor or janitor He's on he's on Craigslist and by the way if you're willing to abandon Absolute morality that site has much better paying work Hey, come on Sean But see that's the thing for this Errogant fucking jackass pretentious kid who wrote this fucking movie being a janitor is rock bottom, right? You know, this was the giving hand jobs for crack of this movie

we actually get to see him mopping the floor all sadly at one point and i was just hoping so bad he would start like solving advanced english equations on something what does your life mean nothing who did it who did it also there's incredible moment they like run out of janitor stuff they show him sweeping and carrying out trash but then there's incredible moment. They like run out of gender stuff. They show him sweeping and carrying out trash. But then there's also time where he's just wiping down a

sink, but it's not dramatic enough. So he's looking at it. Like it was covered in calm. He's like, oh, from the top to the bottom. And as if we hadn't gotten enough of this creepy stalking shit in the next scene We are now gonna get Ali coming home and him just sitting on her step waiting for her when she gets there Holding the boom box over his head And she's with James and this is what's so again I love how badly they treat James in this movie. She's like, oh, I didn't realize you were with someone Hey, James, you still doing your baggy little Christian group. Oh, man when I am our fight scene later on where I

That's okay. I'll go over there. You guys want some so does there's something from crap Peter can often the car Yeah, and she boots him too, because she's like, he shows up and James is like, hey, that's kind of creepy. This guy like waiting at your door that you told, you didn't want to talk to him. Do you want me to like hang around or inform the police?

And she's like, now go away. It's like, oh, okay, I will do. Oh, he's the shut the fuck up Tina of this movie. I haven't tried it, but try shouting shut the fuck up James. See how it works. Report back. And of course, and also, okay, so nothing about this movie is discussed at this point, right?

Like, I mean, they have their issues, I guess, or whatever, this couple does or whatever, but they don't talk about that instead. She's like, you know, for the first time in my life, I'm happy because I'm a Christian now, and he's like, oh, well, you found Jesus is he's like, no, Jesus found me. It's like, what the fuck are you people talking about? I was not with this movie. It's been about up until now. It really is. It's the fucking Myzner exercise of movies. It's like, I have found Jesus. You have found Jesus. I have found Jesus. Oh, my God. someone kill a baby He also says in this movie is like you know even Jesus wouldn't forgive me and I wrote in my fucking notes every

Third character in a Christian movie also nobody ever That's never the thing that's holding us back folks Anyway, so meanwhile cut the camera verbally abusing the black chick we got all kinds of shitty couples fighting here at day of shitty couples fighting the movie we got you black white couples we got you white and white couples we got invisible couples that apparently have been in their child when they're three come on down with all kinds of shitty couples fighting yeah so i guess the the the black girl is caught him cheating and now they're breaking up and she smacks him. Oh

That was fun. Oh, we want that a few times too. Yeah, I'm gonna punch his Rayman's right in the face She leaves and he he's like mad at her and this is where Sean turns the camera and he goes you know We're all sick and Jesus is the cure and I just wrote note to self lyrics for Christian rock band We're all sick and Jesus is the cure and I just wrote note to self lyrics for Christian rock band. We're all sick and Jesus is the cure got it. I also love as she's leaving, you know, he has to shout something out after her. And this is the actual line that Cameron Shouts that he goes, thank God I'm tired of your incessant talking anyway. And I just wrote what people say with their angry. It's just like that. I wanted him so bad to tell her to get the H out of here, but he didn't.

You know, just get the H out of here. I'm effing sick of this, okay? You see, you see. VU, what does that mean? Yeah, I don't know. It's just a letter. There's words with V. You don't know. Those are new ones. Look at her.

And dictionary. So and then. So I guess like now that Sean has had to like get kicked out of his apartment on the one day of Viction notice. He's been couch surfing with Cameron. And now the two of them are going to have a fucking conversation that I have no goddamn idea what was supposed to be about because ultimately what you've got is Sean going I'm gonna move back in with my parents I think and Cameron goes dude you finally have nobody trying to help you and you want to screw that up actual line. Yeah Cameron's like a trying to convince radio head not to sell out he's like seriously man. Seriously, I remember when it was just you guys like 20 people in that bar.

Now you're just looking everywhere. And definitely don't move back in with your parents. That's stupid. George Costanza did that. It did not. Well, yeah, right. Exactly. Exactly. If you need some community supporter, whatever, try, try out Sunday assembly, cut, cut, no improvising, no improvising. I mean, there's nowhere out there for you except your home with your parents.

That's the real cool thing, arms crossed across chest. Pfft. Pfft. Yeah. Well, also, what was Cameron's point here, okay? Cause like Cameron's going like, well, if you want to move in with your parents, that's fine, but I'm not moving back in with your parents.

I mean, that's really the conversation. I don't, I have no idea what Cameron's point in this conversation was supposed to be. It's like, you know, he's like, I'm gonna move back in with my parents. He's like, you know, there's no choice for me. It's like, yeah, I know, I didn't say you were gonna do it, though, I said I was gonna, do you want to rewind? I just want to rewind? Start again.

I don't know man, maybe you should have like put some punctuation in the script or, you know, put in character names. This is really hard. Stream of consciousness. Whatever it was that they were fighting about is enough to make Cameron kick him off the couch. So now he's completely homeless. Yeah. Sleeping on a park bench, and we also get shots of her, like, looking at a cross necklace.

Yeah, well, and we're gonna eventually learn this, but apparently he's snuck into broken to her dance studio and hung this cross necklace up as a gift for her. I missed that entirely. I thought she just bought herself a cross necklace. I had no idea why I realized she still had the one

that she stole when she was a kid. But no, eventually she says later on in the movie, like, oh, you gave me that cross necklace. That was really nice of you or whatever. And I'm like, oh, boy, you really should have made that clear in the moment. But yeah, that's what's supposed to be happening here. Yeah, exactly.

I figured out Memento easier. There's so little happening in this movie we really shouldn't have to like really shouldn't have to dig but yeah yeah so and also they they show him like because he's got his like his half box of belongings that he's carrying around with him. Yeah like he got fired at work and everything else his one little cardboard box. Right, right, yeah, exactly. And believe you have my stapler. Believe you have my stapler. So.

Oh, that's bad. So but then I guess, but he's supposed to be. It's so rock bottom now that he slept on a park bench. And it shows him laying down on this park bench and then it shows him waking up or getting up because he could not possibly look less like he just slept on a fucking bench. Yeah. Oh, he's gonna have lines on his face.

We also get a Victor Hugo quote here. Oh, right. He's doing another voice over, and he says Victor Hugo once said, to rise from error to truth is rare and beautiful. But what he left out was that's not easy. It hurts what he said rise from the ashes involves destroying a part of who you were So like what a great accidental quote about how hard it is to leave a religion Childhood I was just thinking to myself. Yeah, man. You do have improvements to Victor Hugo's writing You tell us what he meant. Please man explain Victor Hugo to me. Oh, it's so painful. So, all right. So now, just as you forgot that Kevin Sorbo was in this movie, he shows back, or we show back up at his church. Right. And he's going rogue. He comes up to pay any sort of look.

This morning I had a plan and a whole fucking thing I was going to tell you. And then he takes the cue guards and tears from an affinities. But no, tonight someone give me a job in a location. Come on. I really thought he was going to say, I'm not going to use that sermon today. Today I'm going to wrap and he just puts a hat on his hand. This Cameron pops up behind him. Yeah, but instead it's like, no, I was going to do this sermon about Jesus, but instead I'm going to talk about the conclusion of this movie rip, rip, rip.

Yeah. I'm totally like the dad in Luke 15, right? Right, right? Tied it together. He also has this crazy moment where he's like, look, there's a lot of people who will say that God is angry. Don't read his book, but if, I'm telling you, God's too big, like two ways,

if you can't even fit it in your mouth, that's how big, like two things. You can't even fit it in your mouth. That's how big God is. This place, literally, is dead. Literally, this is why I run the buy my life. God wants your face. Oh, you just start doing movie quotes. We need 16 minutes with K-sorbs. So and but like what the movie is saying and I love this too because apparently and thinks it was being clever this whole time

It's going like you see you're like God's prodigal son and you need to come back to guys like yes That's what the analogy was about in the Bible. Yeah, like you can't start with the fucking thing and then make an analogy about the make a movie about of the the analogy and surprise us with the thing it was analogous to this is like a movie called peekaboo where at the end they're like peekaboo huh turns out daddy wasn't gone behind his hands forever after all title was peekaboo the whole time. I love to the during this sermon they cut to this kid in the in the pews that is clearly bored out of his fucking mind. He's hitting his head against the pew to try to drive himself unconscious. Just have to sit through any more of this

shit. Like I love it. You can't find one second of someone looking interesting. But anyway, yeah, God is just like K. Sorbs. He wishes you would come home. That's the message. And apparently now that that he, he, he sermons about as fast as he eats dinner because 81 seconds after the sermon begins, it's over. We cut to people leaving the church. You know, they're going like, hey, man, appreciate you keeping the server quicker than married

sex, but, uh, I didn't want to know fucking day. And then Sean shows up at the end and drops his boxes and coat like it's the end of an officer in a gentleman. Dan Kevin's server is going to pick him up. He's going to put a cap in front of him, carry through a Chinese factory. Oh, shit. And I love to, like, you know, the dad comes to hug him and he's like, God, you wouldn't be happy to see me if you knew about the anything. Nope. He's like, Jesus, he forgives you. He forgives you. He's like, I would, I, but I wanted so much

from just saying how much gay sex I had, you know, then he just slowly steps back. Hose me, hose me. Hose me, we're pretty sure we can fuck over our kids for this kind of thing. Just like, no, I'm not doing the prodigal, something. I'm just back for the weekend. It's Thanksgiving. The latheist and gay. And I love to, okay, so like, and this is what I thought was going to be the closing fucking line. I thought the goddamn movie was over at this point when it comes back to his dad, but no, but he says he's like, but because of redemption through supernatural forgiveness, I have a second chance. I'm like, no, because your parents have money. You

have a second. You selfish son of a bitch. But apparently, there's still movie. We, we, we haven't earned our way out of this one yet because apparently we got to see him all cleaned up and tie up that Lucend with Ali So now he shows up at Bible study to yell at Ali in front of a group of people that should restrain him and again It's an incredible moment because he walks in and James is like hey Sean and he's like fuck you James You shut the fuck up a James is like Okay, and then he's just basically like you complete me you had me in sparkling grape juice. I want her face off Why you might as well because he totally forgets his lines in the scene. Oh, yeah, it's supposed to be like the big you know

Burst in grand gesture speech and he's just like I want to make a grand gesture I want to make a grand gesture. Guess that was it. Okay, bye. It's literally 10 seconds. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here making a fool of myself, which I obviously am doing. More lines will be written at a later point. No to self, don't forget to write this.

You're killing this Sean. How does a good writer write a grand gesture birthday? Voice over. Might as well have been saying that on the way in. And then I guess Ali forgives him and finds his overacting charming. So James will still never get to have naked time. Is that the card to beat off, I guess. So yeah, so then she goes with him to his like welcome back to the family party. And it's like as soon as they show this party scene, I'm like, I guess. So yeah, so then she goes with him to his like welcome back to the family party.

And it's like as soon as they show this party scene, I'm like, Kurt Cameron's gonna start dancing any second now. And you're several children at his birthday party. Apparently he's gonna creepy up. He comes in and Kevin Sarbo's like a toast to my product. I mean, my son. I sure hope there was a rest to this movie. He found his way all the way to the credits. Array. And then there are stupid words and Ali and him walking through a park and then more dear diary bullshit. Yeah. And then he finishes the English assignment. Isn't he expelled? Right. Is this mattering? No. I would have loved it the movie just ended right after you got expelled he's like I guess I don't have to write this shit anymore in the movie just

the perfect ending he's just been revoked yeah I mean he's telling the fucking story it can happen however he wants it at this point so obviously this movie didn't deserve stars but I don't even feel like it deserved clever analogy so instead of our typical close when i finish this one up by asking you tell me how bad this what movie is again but just to make it a challenge i want you to do it in the style of a bad introspective 10th grade composition dear diary the definition of incompetence is defined by websters as confessions of a prodigal son.

Anna, no, I did the dishes last. Well, I did. No, everyone stay on the line. Listen to this. I had a recording. You said, well, no, I'm trying to speak loud enough so you can hear me because you're in the other room. If you come into this room, we can have the come.

I'm not, yeah, darling, I'm not yelling at you. I'm trying to explain. We can talk, I'm not negating your emotions. I'm trying to communicate. You tell me what the best way to communicate in this, everyone, don't stop listening to the podcast. I have 45 more minutes of this. Yes, no shit. That for 90 minutes goes.

All right, bad, introspective 10th grade conversation. Beginnings never really begin. And endings never really end. Words are love. The aesthetic value of an artwork is in some ways always relative. To it, what maybe hackneyed try to one observer might be the bow it yell to another. The Soros. Unless this movie is what Webstri's dictionary defines as Godfucking awful. Well done, sir. Well done. And well that doesn't it for a review of Confessions of a Prodigal Son.

That's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to coax you back for more. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, we're going to be traveling. And whenever we travel, you know there's a treat that we give the listeners, which means it's time for wicked vultures. Yes. Vultures of horror three.

Heart, tray. Yeah, I gotta say. I, yeah. We're in a small, little, little. Now, I have to say because we're kinda doing this on a short-term rest, it's gonna be a bit of a shorter episode than usual. But I wanna say, I've actually already seen this movie.

I don't wanna spoil it or anything, but nothing happened. It would be impossible to spoil this. So I don't want to spoil it or anything, but nothing happened. It would be impossible to spoil it. So I don't have to worry about that. But nothing does happen in a rather spectacular way. So at least give you that. So yeah, if you consider yourself for warned, the show next week will be a little bit shorter than usual as we ramp up for our live shows. So if you normally use this show to fill up your Tuesday commute, you're going to have

to drive really fucking fast next Tuesday. All right. Do it. I mean your car. So with that to look forward to, we'll bring episode 62 on merciful clothes. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to tell yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist, and the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoff on movies at gmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of evil, giraffe, saun Mars, and was used with permission. If you like what you hear, hear more by following the link on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen right knee-lie Bosnick.

I'm no illusions promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close Sean went on to be a terrible writer with no inheritance money. He now lives in the cross space above his rich brother's garage. James spent the next several years having sex with a handful of allies used Kleenex. His neighborhood has far fewer stray cats than it used to. Sean prayed the gay away after all.