God Awful Movies - 8: GAM008 Catching Faith

Episode Date: October 13, 2015

In this week's episode, Eli, Noah, and Heath break down Catching Faith; a movie based on a Christian coloring book for grown-ups that revolves around a mother's tireless effort to snitch on her teenage son for drinking and destroy his football dreams in the process.  And it's as bad as that sounds.And if you'd like to hear more from our maestro, Ryan Slotnick, check out Evil Giraffes on Mars's Facebook Page.

Un chapuzón, con el hábito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martes y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, Bayguésville Parque Sur. Back in time we came across this village and looked like there were nothing but children. You know, sucky, sucky, two dollar, but we weren't taking chances. So we lined them up by a ravine. We told them they were going to dig a ditch and I could hear the screams and I'd see

the fire. And I can't stop nips on the wire! Nips on the wire! Not all four movie movies! Moobie! Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we watch yet another Christian movie in order to inoculate ourselves in case we ever know something the CIA is willing to war-border us over. I'm your host Noah Luzon, sitting to my immediate left as my good friend Heath then right Heath welcome back. Thank you Noah. And sitting 989 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnig Eli so good to you to join us. Oh happy to be here happy to be here.

So Heath tell us what will be breaking down this week. We've got catching faith. It's a, imagine like Kirk Cameron's Varsity Blues, approximately. And here's the description on IMDB. A Christian mother's inferiority complex becomes exacerbated when her husband discovers their high school football star son has been drinking, challenging her faith and self-worth. And Eli, how bad was this movie well you know how you've always been wondering if they could make a movie about whether or not you should confess to being the one who farted in an elevator that's that's what this film really brings the life and it's like I don't know I parked a little bit closer to the hydrant than i thought if you ever wanted to see that for an hour and a half well then strap in buckaroo

because you've got fifty it's you've got sixty three minutes of absolutely no stakes to clinch onto your seat for my god dude i've seen more impressive stakes at the hotdle house so uh... he's any thoughts on the general badness here uh... well according Amazon, people who enjoyed catching faith also enjoyed cheaper by the dozen two. Oh wow. It's not a great sign, but it actually gets even worse than that because people who enjoyed cheaper by the dozen two

did not like catching faith. I checked on it. It didn't go the other way. Yeah, no. To be fair though, what he meant by that is they want movies by the dozen. They just literally want to buy a dozen. They don't care what kind of it. Just as long as it's cheaper to buy the movies by the dozen. That's one of the moves on a DVD with 11 other movies at the gas station. I

got to say, I hopefully nobody knows just how bad of a statement this is. But this is, but This is the worst thing I've ever caught this movie here. So before we get into the breakdown I want to talk about the guys. That's real real bad Does real bad So before we jump all the way into the break down. He's got a broken rib like Doug Henning had liver cancer You know what I'm saying? Man, yeah, oh yeah, we have a bad movie this week get ready his broken ribs make spots appear all over his skin people you know

what I'm talking about start making a quilt it's going plaid like bugs bunny so before we get into the breakdown here I want to talk about the um coloring book this movie is based on that they made an entire movie I'm not kidding it's called the Elijah project and apparently it's the by-product of a random failed actress deciding that psychology looked pretty easy so she could probably do it too but with Jesus so I want to read you guys an extended excerpt from the Elijah project's website this is the about us section where Alexa Boylen the horrible person most directly responsible for this movie, explains why she decided to fix other

people's brains with crayons. Quote. A few years ago, I had a meat-my-maker moment while looking into the mirror. I totally get it. I woke up to my daily routine, stumbled down the stairs, put the coffee on, let the dog out, and resentfully made my children's lunches. Fuckin' timidies. Fuckin' pee-sortages. Fuckin' pee-sortages. He went to the bathroom, and while washing my hands, I caught a glimpse of my reflection. I remember looking in the mirror and thinking, where did all those lines come from?

Your cocaine dealer. That's a good thing. Usually when I look into a mirror and wonder that it's a good thing anyway she can't thought someone's head off in the tub all right well let me finish washing my hands she continues my brow was furrowed I tried to smile and a fake smile appeared I felt tired angry lonely and afraid my next series of thoughts disturbed me I don't like who I'm becoming. I wouldn't want to be married to you. I wouldn't want to be your child.

Did I just have an image of her tucking her dick between her legs? What do I fuck me? Hello, self-esteem buffalo bell. She continues. The sad truth revealed that day was that even though God had given me everything I had asked for, a husband, kids, a house, and a dog, I resented the gifts. She didn't go for world peace, unfortunately. I had spent years giving to God with a hope of getting something in return. I was giving with strings attached and growing more and more resentful when my wishes were not granted.

I was not a cheerful giver. Not a cheerful giver, the Eli Bosnian story. I was bound by fear and stuck in people pleasing. I was afraid to be rejected, exposed or humiliated, exposed by the way as in quotes for some fucking reason. Yeah. She wanted to make sure that everyone knew they didn't mean like ripping her dress off and pulling.

I'm not. You know, I'm like, ripping her dress off I'm not you know, I'm a Exposed not like actually I suppose that's fine with it someone just let my skin be free I usually wear internal neck scarves to hide my fucking ugly muffin top disgusting wrinkles and lines My reaction to this was to stop answering my telephone thinking if I avoided conversation I would insulate myself from criticism. I had allowed Satan to set up residence in my soul where he was shaming me day and night. Shame is the enemy of connection and at least this isolated, disconnected and alone. So if I can just interrupt here to point out, this woman probably has clinical depression,

but she decided not to treat it. So instead, she decided to make a fucking Bible coloring book To help others through it. Anyway, she continues. I want to see that conversation between this woman and Satan where Satan's like Well Alexa looks like the living room still messy. Oh, were you gonna get to it later? Were you really your bad mother your bad mother Alexa? You look terrible Maybe a little makeup Alexa some sit-ups Give up brands did a fucking right me coloring book

And finally she says my story is illustrative Life's journey has many peaks and valleys this workbook coloring book will followa's story while helping to unearth your story. There is a simple model for health and healing. Realize, reflect, reconcile, rest, and reengage. Because it always, you always have to be a literative. She needed an arch. She used three. One of those you know is unnecessary. She was like, rape.

No, can't put that one in there. Bad Alexa, bad. You can't. That's on me. A battle X, a bet. You can't. That's on me. That was draft one and two. That's just a cocktail draft three. And she finishes off by saying, my prayer is that this workbook will be an angel touch in your story.

Show me where the angel touched you. So exactly show me on the doll. So that is her explanation of the coloring book that inspired the fucking movie that we're about to break down. I also think it's worth mentioning that on the cover of this movie, it's like a football movie,

and they are clearly trying to make this kid look as much like Tim Teebo as humanly possible. Yeah. Including casting him as a wide receiver, because probably wasn't convincing as a quarterback in the audition Can he throw the ball and catch it himself how does football work now? Can you do it more quarterbacky? No, I can't throw it to you. It's like juggling right you throw it in the air But it's a trick play

Nobody knows and that's about as much as these folks knew about football, but we're gonna get to all of that. So, with a special mix of Christianity, pseudo psychology, and poorly choreographed, uninformed, sportsing to look forward to, we'll take a quick break and we'll come back. We'll break down the dumbest thing I've seen since the Seahawks intentionally lost the Super Bowl. Hello, and welcome to Bob Cramjah's Christian Movie Audio Course. Step 1. The Marriage.

Now your movie is going to be about people's failing marriages, and it will be somebody's fault. So try to write down three ideas of things that might be wrong in a marriage and make a movie based on them. Go ahead and try it now. My laugh always leaves her shoes in the hall. That's fantastic. Sometimes I feel like all my wife cares about is her work. What a bitch! My husband won't wear that tie at bottom.

Shut it the fuck down! Step 2. The Activity. Find an activity that is important to your characters. That's what's gonna be happening to these people while they talk about Jesus. Go ahead, try it now Washing the truck. Why the fuck not? Chair hats

That's not a thing, but who gives a fuck? The rape of Nan King never heard of it Step three the offensive best friend Every Christian movie needs a best friend character to really solidify the plot for people who leave the room for popcorn or more likely they're elderly and they fell asleep and then they wake themselves up by shitting their pants later. Try writing some lines based on your offensive character now. So you're telling me that once you started washing your truck, your wife stopped leaving

her shoes in the home? Well, kiss my grits. It's number one movie in America right there. Holly, please, Holly's man. Just telling me this chair has made her woman talk about work and more about your marriage? I shall look at. Sounds right to me. Rave of Nanking, something, something, he wore the tie, something, I'm an Eskima.

Sure, why the fuck not? Step 4. add some Jesus all right, and that's really all you're gonna do here Just remember what you said in step three and literally just add some Jesus and you have your cell phone movie Go ahead and try it now. So you're telling me that once you started washing your truck for Jesus Your wife stopped leaving her shoes in the hall? Well, kiss my grits. For Jesus? Yep. Holy, free, holy man.

Jard, telling me that these chair, Jesus, hats make your woman talk less about work and more about your Jesus marriage. I, Jesus, even more, yep. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Why not? That fucking thing is gonna make money. Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take a bath with a toast.

And we're back, so we're gonna start off this movie with some bland and boring Americana B-roll, but just to make sure you don't get your hopes up for a good movie, we're gonna give it to you via a nauseous stationery pan and a frenetic series of small town cliche jump cuts. Yeah, the first thing we get from this film is a leaving Las Vegas acid trip circle. Yes. Never just like, ugh, boo, boo, boo. Just like I should need all that cotton candy.

First thought. I also want to point out that this, the production company that made this movie is called Mustard Seed Entertainment. That's the smallest of all the seeds which to start your to call your company the thing that is provably and in every way shows that your book is wrong is crazy right as well of called it 13 cubits by four cubits pie equals 3.1. Yeah, exactly. Just very quick for those who don't know, Jesus said at one point in the Bible that the

mustard seed is the smallest of all the seeds. And then he explained that how like mustard seeds grow into trees, which they don't. So yeah, this was Jesus. Well, actually, now according to everyone on my Facebook, that's really, what Jesus was talking about is seeds in the middle east It's that that's also not true He's talking about like the seeds that he had seen that day It's like it was by far the smallest seed. You know could have could have grown into a tree Jesus is miracles

I don't know. I followed my heart to these answers so I can't quite give you anything else. When they grandma died, they planted her rose. They planted a mustard seed on her grave and a mustard grew out of it. A little princess was there that day morning. Shayan mustard tree. So yeah, so right away, they're saying, you know how the Bible's bullshit? movie's gonna we're gonna roll with that we dedicated ourselves to the fact that we don't know anything about science Welcome to mustercy and attain it And they demonstrate a similar understanding of football that Jesus understands to my Demonstrates to mustard. Oh, they know way less about football than they do about fucking mustard seeds in the universe

I mean if you were like I'm stupid, if you were like, I'm stupid. So if you were like, Eli mustard comes from trees, I'd be like, sure, why the fuck not? Right. Talk about card tricks. But even I, who know nothing about sports was like, I'm pretty sure everyone's supposed to be wearing pads. That's a soccer ball. That gentleman's wearing a catchers mid on his feet. This is not, This is not good. Is that 11 on 11?

Are they going to do that? One time? Never. No, hot. No, someone said hot. No, that's weird. That's pretty damn footbally. So we start off by meeting our hero who is a horrible bitch as we'll learn pretty much

right away. This actress looks like Kira Knightley's ghost. Like if she had run into a sword during the filming of Pirates of the Caribbean 85, let's go get brunch. She's like, oh, Jonny, oopsies. And then went to hell and had to be in this movie forever. Right. That's right.

I want to point out Kira Knightley is an atheist, so this probably would be her hell, actually, in this film. And apologies to Kira, you're adorable. You can open your mouth. Any time you walk, Kira, it's totally up to you, girl. All about it. I wrote down Kate Beckinsale with rabies.

Yeah, okay, all right, yeah, I get that. Or maybe a little bit of a Blemic Michelle Bachman. A little bit of Blemic Michelle Bachman. I wrote a Parkerer posse skeleton okay all right yeah i know that way as well uh... and there there there we're having the family mcfamily montage which seems to be the standard for every christian movie and they're always arguing over something like it's either the remote or in

this case it's it's the hat right there there's never just like pay how's it going it's always like you give me back my tampons no I'm gonna put them inside me mom he put all his tampons inside himself no I didn't did you put all the tampons inside yourself show me your starfish no now I also want to point out okay so we already talked a little bit about the what how the mom looks the husband is a father fellow by the name of Derrius Mozlami Sounds Christian anyway. He's this big giant freaky looking guy that looks like he couldn't look identical to Josh Ferrisstein

Yes, he does holy shit The entire time I was like oh this is Josh Ferris first. He's like the Persian Josh first in holy shit Oh, and I also want to play okay, so this movie first of all was filled on on a Santorum covered dildo camera something and the cinematographer Had no fucking clue like literally in the opening scene in this movie with the whole pillow thing They're pointing the camera right to it into a sunny bright window and don't seem to know that's not a thing you're supposed to do. You would get better cinematography dropping your phone. Yeah the school of cinematography that this guy went to is the your aunt who just got a camera with a timer school of cinematography. Yeah, where she puts it at one side of the room and she runs over

and she's like, I ever want smiles. it, is it on? It's three seconds. What's three seconds? Oh God, I blink. Try it again. All right, one more time. Come on. So they pray for the daughter's AP Latin class and they pick out the pillows.

And then dad gives mom a necklace. And this will be very important over and over again. Well, I wouldn't say important, but pivotal to the story. As we'll see it over and over again, it's a cheesy little looks like you wanted out of a claw machine heart necklace. Yeah, this is this is this special brand of ugly Joe because whenever I see like a sales commercial on TV where it's like the chocolate diamond and I'm like, oh, that looks like fucking shit. Who would buy that? Christians who live and watch these movies. That's what it's a heart. It's a heart shape with diamonds in it.

Yeah, it could not be less tasteful. It could not be. It's basically a flavor, flavor. It's just going to sit in better taste than this fucking thing. But it's not good enough for her I guess Muslim Santa got a sparkly that was too small so she goes to the jewelry store and exchanges it for a bigger one right exactly she exchanged it for a beer one but this is a weird moment this is something that the movie wants us to

believe is like bad like oh she says she shes, she returned it and got the thing she wanted. But like, if I give, if my fiance tomorrow came in and was like, hey, I got a new engagement ring that I like better. I'd be like, cool, you like that better. I got you a thing that I wanted you to like. I'm glad everyone is happy now. But in this movie, it's like she's fucking fucking something. She's like cheating on him.

She's like, oh no, I can't see if he sees it. He'll hit me. It's just the weirdest approach to returning a thing. I've had my fiance return stuff in front of me I've been like Mary Christmas and she's like, oh my god, where'd you get it? Is there a seat? Which is because I have terrible taste so I am crazy and then we're on to one of the first of many painful football game scenes. Oh, yes And by the way if you are wondering hey, is there anyone in this movie that can max the sexual tension of the brothers and sisters? You lucky so and so it's the football players with each other. Yes

We need to talk about the the friend character's voice. What accent or voices he's doing. Here's what I want. I want you to imagine that Benedict Cumberbatch got fucked to death and then they took all the jizz and they threw it into a cloning machine and this is what came out. This because he's like, well, I say, oh, Chip, I love you. I cannot describe

this kid's voice it's but he plays like the quarterback or the other who knows what position anyone is in this fucking movie but he's like the best friend character and their sexual tension is palpable you could cut it with a knife you could spread it on Melba test okay and and keep in mind that we're not even gonna try to hide this because when we first meet these two characters they're winking at each other from across the football field it's the classic wink at the intended receiver play the defense never sees that coming yeah exactly hey man are you winking at the guy you're gonna throw the ball to

I don't know am I wink are you gonna throw the ball to me? Yes That's great if the quarterbacks gay with their son bow, but they shouldn't I fuck to signal an audible I mean you make like a gay gesture so they but it needs to be a lot more subtle Rainbow Rainbow kill kill Learn from those Republican senators just just take a nice wide stance and the hill learn from those Republican senators just just take a nice wide stance in the hill. Hang out of the truck stop long enough, but we're all on your side. Yeah, there you go.

And so meanwhile in the audience or in the stands here, you've got mom and dad and daughter and the daughter apparently just received a letter at the football game and she's opening it up and it's for random person. Like what the fucking MIT uses the podium express. All right. This carrier pigeon just dropped me off a letter. I think I'll open it. And that's what it is.

It's acceptance, early acceptance into MIT. And her parents act like it's a discounted vacation to Port of Iarders, something, oh, you get to get two cruise tickets if you buy two other cruise. And they just could not be less impressed that she just got accepted into one of the country's best schools. Which by the way is so much bigger of a deal than anything we never talk about in this movie. Bow just apparently is a good football player. We never see him get a scholarship.

We never see him go to a nice school. We never see him get signed by the NFL. He just scores touchdowns and it is the center of this movie. This girl gets into one of the, if not the best, depending on what she's studying, schools in the world. And they're like, oh, okay, you're kind of interrupting, all right? Bo is drinking the gatorade.

He spilled a little down his front. It's pretty funny. If I got into MIT, my father would have tattooed it on his chest with a knee-like support and pen. He would have been like now four touchdowns in one game at Polk High. Clap for him. You're gonna have a whole lot of stuff to look forward to like a career. This is a certain life and college. This is it for both. Both gonna live with us forever. Let's focus on something. You can have the next 40 years, okay, when you have anything else. And that's what this movie is all about.

Now, I also want to point out that we does not take long for us to learn that the people making this movie had no idea how football works. Because first of all, there are something like nine players on the field, both teams combined. And secondly, we get this pan shot from behind the quarterback. And the linemen are doing like something between sumo wrestling and hugging they're just kind of pushing on each other's shoulders no one's making any effort to get around anyone or anything.

These guys went to the e-honda school of football. Thousand times left. The people, the football in this, I own Madden because someone gave it to me as a gift. The people play football in this movie like me playing madden just like I don't know Throw it to that guy run off the field look at that. They didn't tackle him. I win back to Batman and also and this is gonna be a repeated theme in this okay So like earlier in this like we see that okay, they went to school this day and now it's later in the same day

And they're at a football game, but it's still day. So apparently this is one of those- You could not get a night shot in this movie to save your fucking life. Shit, apparently this- It's just by accident what it's said in the night, yeah. They're in the art of fucking circle in this movie, and it just never gets darker, whatever.

I believe that one of the members of this cast was a werewolf, and they were just like, well, Tony's gonna turn into a one of the members of this cast was a werewolf and they were just like, well Tony's gonna turn into a beast of the night starting at 8 p.m. So first week of shooting went really badly, alright, so we're just gonna keep everything from 4 p.m. 2 to noon to 4, that's it. We got 4 hours of shooting, this movie took 8 years to shoot because they were just like a fuck actually interesting trivia this movie took eighteen days to shoot and it shows yeah it does now okay so also it just to reinforce the mom's not paying attention to the daughter who just got into MIT thing in the middle of the

game towards the end or whatever her friend shows up now Now we're going to talk a lot about the friend who is actually by the way the woman who wrote this movie who is the evil ice queen of the film. So they wander off together and we get some some girl talk. Now apparently girl talk is about oh have you see I'm not I'm not exaggerating this is literally what they talk about. Oh have you seen so and so oh my gosh he's gained like 10 pounds since high school. Oh, that vest you're wearing is simply awful. Those two things were the key pieces of information in the girl talk that we get. I call her evil universe, Deborah Messing.

No, that's who she is in all of my notes. I've just got her as Cruella Deville in red, but yeah. And yeah, if you think this character is ever gonna make any sense, you're wrong. We'll occasionally touch on her, but nothing she says or does as any consequences or meaning. There are several characters in this movie, Spoiler, who are just there to be cuts. That's all they can just walk on. They're like, oh fuck yourself.

And then they walk on again, but we'll get to them later. All of them though I mean like everyone in this movie is horrible and I hate them like right away every character Everyone except for body higher just firestein is there to or first-deen however pronounces it is there to just walk on and Fuck other characters over and then walk back off again basically basically Also, there was there was a little piece that were like daughter, we see the daughter at the game and her friend comes up and says, Hey, are you coming to the party? And she's like, Oh, no, you know, I'm too chased and wholesome to go to parties. Thank you.

You're gonna go to the high school party. We're in high school. No, no, I gotta go home. High school my high school. I can't I got a homework. Good person. I'm gonna go home and I school my high school. I can't, I got a homework, make good person. I'm in a good person, make good person, but if you want a bad person, bad character, you can. I'm just risk affirming your risk denying, type A person and I'm like, I'm sorry, are you speaking entirely in young, in terms of this point,

squaring of person? I'm sorry, it's good. Type. And okay, so of course the brother, Bo, he's gonna go out in bad person tonight. So now we get him arriving at the party with his buddies and his weird fucking friend with the weird yo bro kind of accent thing going on. Yeah, at this point I wrote when he goes yo bro I wrote my movies, this, in my notes, this movie is a hellscape oh my god because everything in this movie is like not

another teen movie had a nightmare that's what this movie is just like fear penis and you can tell this is to be one of them bad parties because they got a keg and this movie doesn't know how beer works. Holy shit it looks like they're serving beer floats. Yeah they're serving yeah as I said we did this in the preview review but I want to touch on this. No one here has apparently ever seen beer because they've tapped a keg. They're holding the steam upside, the cup is on top. The steam is directly upside down onto the cup and it's just flowing out everywhere onto the ground.

These people had never touched a keg before. I guarantee you, 90% of that shooting day was like, so we stab it with a pin and then the beer comes down. I mean, is it like a can? It's like a big can. It's a piyata. It's a piyata. We just hit it with a pin and then the field comes down. Is it like a can? It's like a big can. It's a pinion. It's a pinion. We just hit it with a bat and then we drink it as it flies. Explodes. Let's pray around it in a circle, maybe a little bit. Dear Jesus, what the fuck is this thing? We got pumpkin ale.

Yeah, and they did. It was like a dark logger in high school from a cake. No, absolutely not Right, you didn't you didn't get like Sam Adams dark now. No Franklin Hagg. We so then we find out the the character Matthew uh Matthew Mary Louise Parker gets a phone call And to show that it's bad news

She just drops her ice cream cone on the table and I wrote in my notes rude people work And I just want I want to see the movie about the girl who works at the ice cream parlour that was like Oh, did you get bad news? Maybe throw your ice cream away in the garbage You could just wait everyone else has to leave with you Stephanie you do not need to put your energy into this. You need to put your energy into your art. And make spray paint art. It's been a kind of...

Stephanie works at the fashion box. I don't know. I don't know. Anything to not think about this movie. Right. No, who said? She drops her ice cream on the table to say that her father has had a heart attack right right yet so they they saw crosscutting between the party in the ice

cream parlor where mom and dad and good daughter when uh... and yes they get a horrible news uh... and why not bring ice cream to the hospital is that route at that point you already bought it is not like you're going back online to get another ice after you find about the heart attack you just right at it one second this one didn't have enough sprinkles I don't be there in a second it's a heart attack he'll be fine or he'll be dead in either case I can be there with sprinkles

hey there or now at this point we cut back over to the party where the sun is challenged to a drinking game which is just like which is literally sir I challenge you to what the two drink off yeah man that's not in the script don't be a dick which is literally, sir, I challenge you to what? Drink off. Come on man, that's not in the script. Don't be a dick. So many moments in this movie, we're in all of these movies where it's like, to what? Come on, just to cut.

To feltch this foam out of my hand. What are you talking about? Drink. Do we drink? We drink one of us drinks faster. I don't know. It's like beer pong without the pong. Yeah, so they're idea of a drinking game. The people who wrote this movie is we

both drink and whoever drinks better wins. That's how they think it happens. Their technique is like four kids lined up with signs, but the highest and lowest scores don't care. Yeah. Right. Look at the way Bose lips wrap around that class. I guarantee you the quarterback was watching that very close. So now mom and dad and the daughter are going, they need to pick bow up from the party real quick

so that they can get them to the hospital. But before they can get there, the cops show up. With like a SWAT team ambush. Yeah, it responds to at most, like 25 high school kids in somebody's backyard. Yeah, right. After the militia from left behind, disbanded, they started to go and find high school parties.

Because their shopper flies in. People fucking flying in from shoppers and dropping on the door. People knocking down doors doors smokin' names but that's okay because bow runs directly into the arms could not right if he were trying to tackle the cops he would have run less direct he's like oh quick i'll jog over to this police office he makes it three steps by the way the cop is very obviously standing four steps away

we're here to look in that, the cop would have been like, whoa. Yeah. Exactly. Keep in mind, this is the star wide receiver for the high school football team. You'd think the motherfucker could run, but no. He can't. So yeah, cops, everybody stand still and get caught, quick.

And then we get this shot with a cop, like, let me show you your ID, obviously this kid's not 21 But he looks at the ID and then he looks at the kid and He has this look as though the kid must be holding a decapitated hooker off camera He's got the cop has this. Oh my god. I can't believe you just knife that old lady look on his face over teen drinking caught the tater salad God, right exactly. I don't know if anyone who listens to this has ever been caught teen drinking but when I got caught teen drinking the cops thought it was way funnier than everyone else they were like it was basically a night long game of manhunt with

the Binghamton police force I got you know you only got my he'll come on don't make me pepper spray him what I mean is it's great to be white. What I mean is it's great to be white. Because it's how great it was to grow a white. So, and then they come to pick the kid up. Apparently nothing's happened. The cops have just let him go. Maybe because his grandpa just died three seconds ago

or whatever, but they pick him up from the party and he's clearly drunk and dad is clearly disappointed. And now, and apparently mom has fallen asleep. At some point, she's just taking a nap in the car at this point. Anyway, yeah, she's like, let me know if wake me up if dad died. Yeah. And then the scene ends when they're still sitting in the car picking bow up and the mom gets another phone call and she goes, she mom and the scenes over and I That's not how scenes work You just these they didn't seem to have any concept that a scene should have a beginning and an end and there should be

Stuff happening in the middle anyway that'll come up again But first we have to cut to the funeral Because grandpa's dad and apparently the next day they had the funeral there was a special or something and i just want to throw this out grandpa has a terribly attended funeral there are like three people at grandpa's fiat every crowd in this movie is bizarrely small inappropriately small yet uh... at which point there is a so they cut to the wake or the funeral home or whenever they're doing the like post funeral party thing and the decorations include Christmas hats. So I wrote in my notes here Christmas hats bad decoration choices for a funeral.

Usually generally speaking yeah. And we cut to grandma being for one of many times a miserable bitch. There is no less likable character in all of cinema than the grandmother in this movie. She's right up there with Old Testament God. Okay, so the first thing that we see her doing, the daughter is chopping up celery and the way she can grandma comes up. Oh, all right, now I know that your grandpa just died, but that's no excuse for irregular lengths of celery. You stupid shit shit and and starts like explain I wish your mother had taught you how to cut celery Yeah, this and by the way that's that has no day new mom There is nothing about this movie that later on grandma's like I realize I've been being a piece of shit

She's just the beginning to the end of the movie if this movie ended with grandma being like go fuck yourself I'd be like oh yeah sure sure that character doesn't change at all because that is what grandma is a miserable bitch to everyone throughout this film and it is a delight to watch every time you see her if if you didn't catch that she was a bitch don't worry we're gonna reinforce that over and over again so now the daughter is very upset because you know Grammages came and was bitchy to her, but unfortunately Alexa is busy Bugging the house plants or something touching. She's touching those flowers so hard She's just touching that is again another theme of Christian movies

Christians left alone on screen for more than a second has to do space work. She's just like, oh god, how does one do flowers? I squeeze them. Why aren't they squeaking? They're supposed to squeaker. C'mon out of here, Nome. I'm getting the Nome's out. That's what I'm doing. Oh god. Is the scene starting it? Jesus. So yeah, so I guess we're supposed to be reinforcing the idea that like the Mom's ignoring the daughter or something and then we got this friend character who just We haven't been introduced to or whatever so she comes up, but she comes up to Alexa and she's trying to be

Oh, you know you're you're dad just died. Let me put my arm around you So everyone understands that I'm the sympathetic character and then she freaks out and screams Oh, that flowers aren't fine or whatever to right. She's like I've got it No, I would have just been like root all right enjoy your funeral. Yeah But then glad your dad said evil friend shows up when Alexa starts to break down the evil red-headed bitchy friend that we met earlier. And she has to tell her, oh don't cry at a funeral or your mascara will run. You know, like women do. Yeah, this character is such a weird thing. I just wrote in my notes, after she writes,

you should hide, she goes, you shouldn't hide your grief or the nice person goes, you shouldn't hide your grief and evil lady goes, you should if it makes your face fall off. And I just wrote Lady Hitler. Lady Hitler. Right. And then we move along to one of the many bizarre Jesus book club cult scenes where we get introduced to the coloring book that this is based on. Yes, the coloring book that this is based on is so stupid, so stupid. And I want to point something out about all of these. So Eli, Ibas spent some time in group therapy. Quite a bit.

Not his choice, but he spent some time in group therapy. And I have never had such Vietnam flashbacks to those bullshit sessions as I had watching this movie. Or she's like, can you draw yourself? And first of all, I stayed like four weeks extra in this fucking anger control program because I kept drawing myself like sucking a dick.

So this workbook would not work with Eli, but the very first thing, if the very first thing that a mental health professional, quote unquote, professional asks you to do is pull out crayons and you are not a child. You need to leave You need to get up and you go And now okay, so I we got we we're gonna talk about just a lot about the like therapy bullshit that they had in here But so creepy hippie Christian moon beam

Check is is is talking to a group of like five women lexas one of them and she's way overdressed so she tells them to draw how they feel and i if i was all what they look like they draw they all draw where where did the petafile touch you dull they're supposed to represent themselves and then she recommends that they read first kings seventeen through nineteen now for those of you who aren't familiar with the bible that's basically this the opening of the story of Elijah. That story starts with God telling Elijah to go hide by a lake and let birds vomit into his mouth for a couple of years

so that God can starve a bunch of people to death with a famine. And it just gets more fucked up from there. So I just want to point that out. That's that's what we're basing this movie on. Well, we're basing it on a coloring book that's based on that. Where's that scene where Alexis just got a hawk throwing up into her mouth and she's like, thank you, Paul. What have been the best? This is a weird, this was a weird turn this coloring book take. Can you color in the vomit flowing into Elijah's mouth? And now we're going to go to the extraordinarily Christian school where most of this movie is going to take place so that we can see Raven, badgering the football coach to tell her what her academic standings are because, okay now I should point out that the football coach in this movie is Bill Engvall and this movie is so bad that he stands out as like a master

Thessian in this game. Yeah, he's real good in this movie. Will I comparison? Yeah, he is the Michael Kane in the Muppets movie of this movie. You know how Michael Kane just acts the shit out of the Muppets Christmas girl and you're like, damn, he was talking to puppets that whole time. That is Bill Engvon in this movie. He was talking to puppets the whole time.'s for sure pretty much and and apparently there there budget didn't allow for principle or guidance counselor or anything like that so bill angla is the the football coach but he's also the teacher in the principal in the custodian and anytime we need person from the school he's gonna have to fill in right exactly also there's this weird moment where he's

like well you just checked your rankings in the school the other day which by the way that's it's not like it's not fantasy football it doesn't get updated every day and then I spaced on your graves those grades get tallied quarterly it's not like every quiz goes into some you fucking pie chart but she's like can you just check it again? You fucking hack comedians. That's a shit. Here's your sign Any tells her your number two her way But she's already this is the weird thing she's already gotten early and I don't think they know what early acceptance Means no idea. They've no idea because it's like oh what if I'm not so it doesn't matter No, it does not really acceptance means yeah acceptance

That's what they have the word right in there. You get to go to MIT no matter what. You can go into Bill Engvell's office and just peel off a nice ropey shit onto his desk and be like, there you go, snort that. There's your sign. There you go. There's your brown collar comedy tour. Yeah, there you go. Just wraps her legs around his neck and shits into his collar. She can do that. She's an MIT. Mine is well done.

And she's good at engineering, too. She could probably make it work. So then we cut to her Latin class, which a lot of this movie is going to center around how much stress she has over this Latin class. Who the fuck has a Latin class? Anyway, and again, because nobody can add a Latin class in high high school. Oh that sucks. They lie to you they say you're gonna learn all the languages fuck you Latin teachers everywhere. Oh you'll be able to

learn any language. No I won't. I'll speak Latin. I'll speak Latin which is garbage. And then once every seven months my friends will be like, ergo propto hawking. I'll be like, you know actually that's incorrect grammar and they'll be like shut up. You like I'm like I Could have been getting to see I mean I couldn't what I could have tried I could have been failing more than I already did on a computer anyway, and so again, and I have to say this because like the acting is so bad in this movie that like whenever the scene just cuts to like a person Emoting the motion is completely wrong. So she's supposed to look like the daughter is supposed to look She's she's stressed out about the latin class. She looks like she's seriously considering blowing her teacher for an A I mean that's what I was like oh he's gonna fuck her. Yeah, this is a portal

I've seen this browser see like the set was the same and ever I was like oh okay, I'm with it got my dick out got Some lotion sat on my thumb. I was ready and then he was like you make some copies and I was like, oh, okay, I'm with it. Got my dick out, got some lotion, sat on my thumb. I was ready and then he was like, you make some copies and I was like, of his dick. I'm like, but no, he's just asking her to do his job. Right. I mixed in, but oh, that's not forget the major plot point. Here, I accidentally mixed in the final exam answers with the things I want

you to make photo copies of because I just thrust paper at children I'm just like here copies I know this appears to already be many copies of the same thing but I need more copies more copies also you'll find my criminal record and my suicide note in there don't a picture of my deck and I should point out to that they make it very clear very often that this movie is taking place in a Christian school every shot in this school has a Jesus picture or a cross on the background so yeah anyway then we cut over to her making the copies and finding out that the final exam answers are accidentally in there and I could not help but write down

Raveny no, making copy. And a lot of fun with that. That was the most fun I had in this entire thing. I was like, oh Raven's torn about whether or not to cheat. That's so Raven. Yeah, and then yeah, so and then that's going to be an extraordinary big element. She takes, she makes the copies and that well actually she doesn't make any copies apparently Anyway, but she takes the the final exam home and then we have to like deal with her wrestling over the who should I cheat or should I not cheat Thing for the entire goddamn woman and again in a movie with no stakes You couldn't ask for a less stakes thing than whether or not this person who already got to the college she wants to go to

a less stakes thing than whether or not this person who already got to the college she wants to go to should or should not cheat on her exam who gives a fuck who gives a fuck cheat cheat kill another student I don't care there's nothing about her collegiate journey that I now care about because it's over right it's over it's like if they showed us that if the everything post credits in Rudy is what we're going on like you okay Rudy you look pretty hurt yeah but I got to be on field oh great but will I get to change in the locker room doesn't matter. It doesn't matter Rudy here and he did the big chanting thing I don't know what shirt will I wear doesn't the part where we were wondering is over. That's for earlier in the movie.

Right. Right. And then we go back home so that we can watch Graham be an evil bitch some more. Such an evil bitch. And then we get this very weird horror movie looking up the stairs from the basement shot where mom and dad have the talk about Bose drinking. Right. They have the talk about Bose drinking. Right. They have the talk about Bose drinking.

Like, what's that movie where the kid does a school shooting? We need to talk about Kevin. We need to talk about Kevin. They have a, we need to talk about Kevin moment, but about Bose high school drinking for which there should be and could be no consequences. Right. That's where they're like, I don't know, he keeps stockpiling weapons

and he's like, no, he just had a beer. And again, oh, this is where we bring up the athletic code. Oh my God. They signed the athletic code. Things I could not give less of a fuck about. The athletic code of a made up high school. And, and, and, and, but that would be like saying,

look now, we clicked on that iTunes user agreement and and dammit we're gonna live our lives by it now we need to make grandma pay 67 cents if she wants to listen to that banjo vtrend right we said we wouldn't let any we would not play these for free or for profit and then we go back to the coloring book club for more amateur grief counseling. Yeah, exactly. And in this time, at this point, they're doing the who goes from the good circle to the go fuck yourself circle. And that's where mom moves from the good circle to the go fuck yourself circle. Okay, so just give everybody a quick visual. So in the coloring book, there's a picture of a heart and then there's three concentric circles and the hippie fucking sun halo lady says says put right everyone that you know down all the

people on this thing and whoever's closest to you put closest to the little heart and then draw arrows to telling who needs to move closer to your heart and who needs to move closer away and the only people she knows are her immediate family and she wants her mom the fuck out of her circle apparently i guess and i also wrote this and this was it were about twenty eight minutes in the movie and i wrote down at this point if they're gonna try to sell us that fucking coloring book aren't they oh they certainly are yet the point of this this is a long commercial for a coloring book basically yes we should call this god awful commercials for coloring book

this particular episode yeah. Yeah, exactly. So I guess we're just trying to reinforce the fact that she hates her mom with a fucking passion that is palpable, but she can only admit that to her coloring book. Which I empathize with. I mean, if you look in any of my coloring books, I've got red fire engine run, and I'm just like, this fucking bitch, I get it. I get it. That's where you let those feelings out. And then we get to the game.

Yes, he says I have a game and I'm thinking finally somebody's gonna fuck somebody but yeah Exactly she just pulls out some sex dice. All right Alexa get ready to change But no, it's a sharing game. Yeah, she says it's a take home game and I'm like, is it a Sibian? No, damn it. It's a bunch of fucking cards. It's a sharing game. It's cards. It's the real cards against humanity. Yeah, forget to midget shitting into a bucket. This is a really offensive cards against the end of the set. You could show it to those guys and they'd be like, oh no, come on now. That's a bad taste. So is, so, let's get to a bigger, blacker dick. And then we, we get to this absurd Alexa trying to mom scene,

where she's going to see her son and say, hey, I have breasts and a maternal. Right, exactly. Where the son is crouched over a TV tray, he does not have a desk. He has a TV tray with a laptop computer on it. And she comes in and he's like, yes, so this place called the we run over here and score a touchdown play. Oh, wait, it's even worse than that. He spent, he spends like a full minute

and a half of this movie intricately explaining to his mother how a two point conversion works. And then she leaves so that he can beat off to football players and work as let's be honest alright that's what that kid was doing he wasn't studying some fucking he was beaten off to his teammates on his computer when mom came in and he had to like clean it up really quick so she leaves he beats off some more and and then we go then we go back to the kitchen and I have to point this out and I'm sure this is in everyone's note the dad is wearing a t-shirt

That's ten spiritual gangster JC is manniga I listen I don't want a lot out of life But a tattoo on my chest that says spiritual gangster is already in the works. Next page, John Gold guys, and 800, I'm going to have one t-shirt from every movie we watched tattooed on my body. Now I know what you're thinking, not all the t-shirts in all these movies have words. It doesn't matter. We're going to make up the words and each, it's going to be fun.

It's going to be fun. Yeah. So dad is wearing a spiritual gangster shirt like that's a normal thing and then the family all sits down to cookies and milk right and grandma by the way is being a bitch again yeah because they sit down and she's like hey let's play this sharing game and she's like I'm gonna kick the crap out of you like I used to as a child remember when we used to play games when you were a child you were a little fat

loser and a fat loser with your tears running out of your face like it come in tears out of your eyes and a bitch ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha the sun says I'm too old to play games. He's a football player. Okay, all right. Yes. Different game, different done count, different game. And apparently the game that they're going to play is revisiting past tragedies, the home game.

Right, talk about your feelings. Yeah, so they've got this series of cards in each card. I guess tells them, you know, what they're supposed to talk about. And the first one that grandma pulls is like, please tell everyone publicly about the lowest moment in your life. How does that end well? Talk about your dead husband right now. I so want to grandma to have much worse than that. I wanted to have her like, she had some heroin days back in the 60s. So she said, wow, back in now, we came across this village and looked like there were nothing but children, you know, sucky, sucky, two dollar, but we weren't taking chances.

So we lined him up by a ravine. We told him they were gonna dig a ditch, and I could hear the screams and I'd see the fire. And I can't stop nips on the wire! Nips on the wire! And then I wanted to get totally silent, and for the daughter to be like okay two points two points, Torjit win played Russian roulette with Christopher walkin Exactly, he's dark-tare-o-one Two-polych, two-polych, right now, wow And then the sun gets up and leaves because football ends on tackle throw and I'm sitting I'm thinking to myself okay

We already had to watch them eat dinner without anyone ever putting food on their fucking plate Is anyone gonna eat a goddamn cookie? I have a challenge. I have a challenge to our listeners I would like you to take this movie and I would like you to cut the scene where they say talk about the worst memory of your life With what the worst memory of grandma's life are it can be that photographer being shot in numb it can be a scene from apocalypse now whatever you want I want to see it it could be interracial porn or lady porn it could be fine it could be fine yeah hunter so we don't get an email so I guess pose for us shows up and and he just he doesn't want to play psychologically torment grandma anymore because he's just not a family guy, I guess.

Right. And so then after bull leaves, Josh Ferrstein and Alexa have that again, the we have to be honest conversation. Yeah. Right. No. And it's not even we have to be honest because we all all all are being honest. You know, it's not like anybody's lying about the fact, but we have to nark him out to his high school. We have to get him out of the table. And they call him nark himself. But we can't just be like, hey, our son drank.

We have to be like, you need to go in and you need because it's so, you know what spells integrity when someone forces you to do a thing. Right. Something that develops character better. You go in there and you say you murdered someone. Oh, and he's so proud of him. And then it's back to the coloring book club

Coolade Sampling thing. And we're gonna open this scene with what may be the single stupidous line I've ever heard in a Christian movie. Oh, I have this too. God is the refresher. I also think of God as a douche. But yes, that's the actual line that opens the fucking the scene is the woman going that again, Ravenclaw or whatever the fuck the hippie chicks name is. San, I think of God as a rough fresher. I forget that. Not so clean feeling. We the Bible. We put these people in an empty room with God in it,

and then we put people in an empty room without God in it. See if they can smell the difference? No? God damn. We rented all these cameras. So, now in this scene, of course, we also get women talking about, you know, the stuff women talk about like... Dishes and saws. My husband hits me, but I usually did something wrong. I'm pretty oppoty. I'm pretty oppoty.

It's so insulting the fucking small talk from these women. And then Alexa puts moon bemen or fucking place. Yeah, exactly. She slams her tea down and everyone reacts like she pulls, like she just gets into fucking plow position and just takes a steamy shit on the table. I mean, when I saw that scene, I thought immediately of the end of Roger Rabbit where like all the tunes get freaked out when Eddie Valleant gets angry or whatever, everyone has that same... She just set her coffee down hard! Kind of a thing going off.

But that's okay because this movie needed to take it to next level bonkers and her coffee spill circles truth teacher. Right? This is the turning point for the main character of the movie is a fucking tea stain on a piece of paper. Okay, so I should point out that the exercise in the coloring book they're doing is there's a bunch of different words and you're supposed to highlight the ones that you associate

with God. And she didn't, I guess, circle truth teacher. Now first of all, that is not even a meaningful fucking phrase. Truth teacher, are there untruth teachers? No, it's this fucking redundant. Those are just teachers. Untruth teachers. That's this fucking redundant those just teachers untruth teachers that's the new legal title when Eli becomes president the new legal title for priests and rabbi will be untruth teachers oh what are you

getting your degree in untruth teaching oh that seems like a waste of time well I used to be able to call it priest you should just be able to say priest in everyone was like nice collar and I'd fuck some kids but now I'm an unsubstitian and it feels shitty it feels shitty ever since they changed the name of Veele the tortured baby cow it's just not the same and this is like Alexis break down moment all right so she slams her coffee down and then she starts telling all of these friends

oh my god it's so my life is falling apart we caught boat drinking at a part now this is the actual line we caught both drinking at a party he didn't get arrested but like that was that was nobody's assumption nobody's heard he was drinking at a party and assumed he got fucking arrested he was drinking beer was he drinking the blood of a prostitute right yeah exact he didn't get arrested don't worry yeah that's because that's not a thing kids get arrested for. Well, he also murdered someone. You didn't let me finish because he interrupted.

He interrupted. And by the way, no one could give less of a fuck at that table. No! And that, it's a weird moment. Every actress in that scene should have been like, and then you're shocked and you're horrified, but you're sympathetic. But instead, they're just like, and? Yeah, right. Then what? You drank and eat. Yeah, they drove or reacted.

Hit a kid? They should have. Hold on. No? All right. I'm going to slam my tea, I guess it's my turn to talk now. And then we go back to our second football game, which is apparently also a home game.

Also, three on three, as far as I can tell. Exactly. And also in the middle of the day. Don't do 11 until the playoff, say, guys, in high school football. It's flag football, three on three until the first season. Nobody else showed up. Everyone else drank and violated the athletic coach.

Oh, that's so there's only three kids from the marching band just jumped on and put some pants on. I played the tube, but God damn it, Stephen. Go tackle that guy. I prefer not to tackle. Can we play touch? No. All right, then. He gets away. And now we see that mom is truly wrestling with her inconsequential, well-to-do white lady problems. Right. And again again i cannot emphasize enough this movie is a woman's journey to snitch on her son yes that those are the stakes of this film it's so they decide finally that they're gonna rat on their kid

and then all at once bow walks up to the fence and stairs at them that they stare back silently at him and i swear to god the football announcer on the loudspeaker, he says this, during this ridiculous long silence, he goes, and as the crush finished their victory here, we just have to wonder, what could possibly stop this team from taking the championship?

He's like, right? Nice and subtle. Real subtle. He's a fucking men-tat from Dune. Also, you might notice that the world trade tenors and her's are standing strong What could happen to them in a mere four months and one day? Chris Christie we go back home and Dad is reading through the 90 page code of conduct for athletes at superhyper Christian school or whatever

When they're trying to find a loophole. Yeah, fuck they mentioned alcohol and she's like damn. I hope that wasn't in there Nothing about rape in there. So it is a football high school. Yeah, it was like murder rape and Drinking one beer. Yeah Now I just want to I just want to think like I'm imagining the dad because okay So he's got this code of conduct thing for his son's football team that apparently he knew right where it was and could go right to it and Open it up to the booze page or whatever like how ridiculously organized is this motherfucker? Well, he prayed on it. Oh, that must have been it. So then bow comes in and mom says you remember that night when you were drinking and he's like You mean the night that grandpa died. Yes, you remember that night when you were drinking and he's like, you mean the night that grandpa died?

Yes, I remember the night that my grandfather died. No, the important part, the where you had a drink, that one. I know grandpa's dead, but come on, Wilford Brimley is fine, rest in peace. We were talking about, you had a beverage. Yeah, exactly. So they have the big fight and he's like,

hey, you have to honor it, you have to, uh, at which point the dad says, if you believe, well, there's two lines that I love from this scene. He goes, if you believe in God, you have to tell the truth. Mm-hmm. Because if you don't believe in God, there's no incentive to be honest. To, to which the sun replies, we've never done that before. Why don't my notes told the truth? Yeah. Never. Not once. What day is my notes told the truth? Yeah, never. Not once. What day is it? Wednesday.

Hey man, it's Tuesday. Is it? I don't believe in God, so I don't have to do that anymore. And also the sun as a protestation says, everybody drinks all the time. And I was like, hey man, no they don't. If you know adults who drink all the time, they need help. Right. Grandma drinks out of that hip flask.

You shut your fat mouth. Get a little fag. Try and get this pen dolphin away from me when I got a switch plate. I'll cut you. Give you a buck 50. Oh, I missed you, Johnny. Nips on the wash.

Dives under the couch. Yeah, right? And so I guess it settled now because they're they're like the next scene is mom taking Bow to school so that he can knock on himself and learn that owning up to your mistakes is never a good idea in real life And then he's like everyone will hate me and which by the way is true But I think in the real world they'd hate your mom You just be they'd be like hey man Why'd you tell on yourself? I'm like oh my parents made me and which by the way is true but I think in the real world they'd hate your mom. You just be it they'd be like, Hey man, why'd you tell on yourself? I'm like, Oh, my parents made me and they'd be like, Oh, cool. That sucks for you, but I'm not mad at you anymore.

Right, right. And I want to point out, okay. So like if this kid is like the the the superstar football player on the school and everything and mom's forcing him to like, you know, like to get kicked off the team by telling the coach that he drinks like you could be putting this kids college prospects at risk here like you can punish him at home for this shit. I have somewhere in my notes just like it's good to be honest but it's like yeah but this kid's gonna work at fucking enterprise the rest of his life. Right. We still was honest you know what I'm saying? Maybe that was not the time to be honest. I'm just saying mom. 200 bad times scholarship tuition. A lot of

I've never been honest before in that one time. Yeah. And so and then like, you know, he's all pissed off at mom and he's like, you can't make me tell them. Just like, well, I could just tell them. And then they would still know. like, well, I could just tell them, and then they would still know. So... Oh, I wrote in my notes when he wrote, you can't make me tell them. I just wrote Flashcut to her torturing him. You know, it's water, but it ain't water, but it's your honor.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Mommy knew she'd get it out of you eventually. I had to just grind up some hummus and feed it to you, but... Get some everywhere. Mommy learned that it gitmo grandma comes in. I had to just grind up some hummus and feed it to you, but Gets them everywhere mommy learned that it get mo grandma comes in Hey nips in the wire More didn't change grandma grandma change And then the so the kids storms off all pissy to go tell the coach that he's that he's evil and you see

Give this long shot of mom just sit there like oh did I do the right thing and I'm thinking of myself the whole times like this bitch has never had to deal with any real problems yeah exactly unbelievable now if you're if you're sitting there thinking to yourself man they are spending a lot of time on act one of this movie I wonder when they'll introduce the stakes that this film will revolve around I'm sorry to tell you recreational booze-narking is pretty much all we've got for you in this one. So we're just gonna take a quick break here before we get into the final act of this monstrosity, but before we do, of course, give you the hard sell, will anything happen?

Will anyone be likeable? Will this movie continue to be less entertaining than Bill Engvall stand up? No, no, and yes, but please keep listening anyway. So when we discovered that this movie was actually based on a fucking coloring book, we couldn't help but wonder just how low-on-source material Christian movies have gotten. So we decided in the name of helping out, and to keep our job security here, to give a sneak peek based on the criterion used in catching faith. Albert and Bethany Fish are the top scuba divers in the

world, but Albert's anger issues and Bethany's depression threaten to tear them apart. Only through faith can they reunite and find the love they once shared. This summer, one fish to fish, red fish blue fish. When a local high school principal makes the American flag illegal, it's up to one Christian school teacher, Victoria Mouse, to raise enough money in a single bake sale to save the school and bring faith back to her small town. This Christmas, if you give a mouse a cookie. David Knight is America's number one astronaut, but when his mission goes wrong and he's asked

to gay marry people in space, he must trust his faith and do what's right not what's most popular this summer Good night moon And we're back for more of this shit and if you were thinking to yourself I wonder if this movie is ever gonna go anywhere with the budding romance between Bo and his sister Congratulations, you are rendering the right thing You're as fuck nuts as the people who wrote this movie. Because there's near as I can tell, that's exactly where we go from here, starting when Raven walks out of

school and finds Bo sitting dejectedly on a school bench, where no one will hang out with him because now he's been kicked off the fucking team for marking on himself for drinking. I wrote here in my notes, a love story between a boy and his sister. I guess what if you based a movie on my internet history that's this. The dialogue between the two of them in this scene is like two character monologues taking place at the same time that have nothing to do with each other. It's just like it's like the actor's nightmare but come to life and filmed. Yeah no good and I want to point out Eric so we

kind of glazed over this earlier. So she like got a hold of the final Latin exam or whatever when she was making the Compies and she has kept a copy of that final exam so she can decide for the rest of the movie whether to cheat With it and at one point or another Bow saw it so bow knows that she's thinking about cheating on our Latin exam That's the kind of thing that matters in this stupid fucking movie, but I just I thought I'd have to kind of throw that out It by the way Bow saw this because she did the thing where she dropped her bag and the incriminating evidence came flying out exactly right right on top Yeah, exactly Originally her plot was gonna be that she had an abortion and the fetus came flying

out in between her books, but it was a whole thing. Carly Fearini got a whole of the video and she showed it the next day. She was kicking and screaming. That's the movie that Carly saw coming. It was catching faith. There you go. Now we all feel silly. Exactly. And then we cut to yet another football game and it's yet another day game and yet

another home game. This is three in a row, by the way. Well, you know, it's they don't alternate when it's not in this universe. And we also have to reinforce the fact that now he's not on the team anymore. Like the team is terrible. Because apparently missing their ex-receiver means the quarterback now throws the ball into the stands. Yeah, that, it doesn't make the quarterback bad at throwing all of a sudden, because one of the receivers, all of a sudden he's throwing passes backwards

when a receiver sees, he's still used to pitching it into bow and every sense of the word. He's like, I don't know how to throw it, let the tempo, I can't love without him. I feel like this isn't about football. Well, you'd be wrong. That's all about football. We used to watch each other shower. Yeah, I don't, again, I don't understand how this affects you. I can't talk about it. I just need him here. He's my rock. All right, I'm gonna go give Boa a pip talk. And then of course, coach EngVal realizes that Bo is moped. So he decides to sit down in the middle of a game. He's coaching and give Boa a biblical pip talk that is one step removed from Gl glossolalia. Yeah, he's like, you know, man, two Samuel sevens says, you're the man, but he means it.

The way being at Bill Engvall means it is like, you're the man. Like, it's like he was like two Samuel sevens says, Budweiser. Like, it's not, that's not. It's not, that's not what it means and it's worth pointing out that like Two Samuels talking about a specific person though. It's not like just you the reader right someone walked over and said Hey, you are the man that we are looking for not like what's up Betty what's going on? I was really excited. I looked up and I was like is you're the man in the bible is that where that expression comes? But no no he's comparing him to David now

You remember the guy who watched his neighbors wife take a bath and raped her and pregnant her and had her husband killed You're just like that God. That's just like a screen pass. It's very silly. Think about it Think about it exactly so and then he says. And then he says, you got caught. So I wrote in my notes, more of this movie, don't get caught. God says don't get caught. God is a quarterback. But a horribly disappointing quarterback. He's like, God's like Ryan Leif for Tim Teebo.

Yeah, exactly, exactly. And the, if I'm following him correctly and it would be very easy not to the message behind us pep talk is just don't do anything and God I'll take care of it right which by the way I want to put out this is like a four-minute pep talk. There's a football game going on I wanted so badly for some player to jog over and be like hey coach, um, what what do we do? Now is the time when you usually tell us the plays for the football do we just we'll just swing it Now that we don't have a wide receiver, I guess that we've fallen apart The quarterback is curled in the fetal position again just asking one of us to spoon

I'm the little spoon and bones the big spoon he sure is Also, I have to point out that the squeeze shots on the stand are hilariously back So they've got like one of these situations where they've only got 33 people or whatever that they can work with and they're trying to make it look like a crowd Which you can do you know you can do that if you're clever with like what shots that you show but they're not You can do that if you're clever with what shots that you show, but they're not. So they've got that, but then they show the shot from the side so that you can see that all the stands be on it. And there's the camera pans over the fucking stands during the pep talk, and you can see that there's only one little tiny segment with like 38 people sitting in these huge stands.

It's impossible not to notice how bad they fucked this shit up It's like if silent movies show to the back of the screens that were supposed to be the sets Like you just panned over and there was a guy back there smoking a cigarette and you see him just in the back I'm in front front fucking front Put in a modern movie Today also the neighbor is there heck. The neighbor there is heckling with her family. She's just like, oh, fuck you, bow. You can't do that. Someone would be like, hey, you can't just say me shit to the kids. These are children. They are at

most 17 years old. Go home. And then speaking of home home we do go back home so that we can kick off another we're shooting for movie length montage here yeah we're we're uh... first in has the works been crazy with all the work i've been working they could not be less specific he's like all the work and the numbers and the reports and the alright my lines over the merger yeah the, all right, my line's over. The merger. Yeah. I'm going to go shave my back.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, we never have the blindest fucking clue what this guy does for a living. It doesn't matter. And apparently now we're going to move on to the championship game. So like things don't look good right away. Bow is not doing too well. He doesn't catch the, the fucking kick off. And then they, like the very very the very first play offensively for them is like a pretty impressive seven yard rush on first down and like the the guy like

breaks a couple of tackles but everybody looks at it like this is a very bad thing and they're really disappointed because it wasn't a touchdown or whatever. And it was no good because the quarterback I fucked the other kid before this play was a little lovers quarrel in there for a Downhill. Oh, classic Romeo and Romeo story. Yeah, I wrote in my notes of the the plan appears to be bow you try not to suck a Dicket football. And by the way, dad is getting really suspicious way too early after they failed to pass to bow for three whole downs it shows dad going like they're just not gonna pass to bow. It sounds like mom and dad like had their son in a fantasy league. You know it's not working out.

It's the third quarter. Only has one target. Fucking fun. The first play that cost us two points. Or if he puts up a negative two we are dropping our son. This determines who enters the next round robin does it not probably fear arena comes out I saw football player kicking and screaming and his parents dropped him. I don't know what that means My skin's all bunched up underneath my shirt. It's all bunched together

Telled there with chip clips Again minor point, but in this very first offensive possession, they go for it on fourth down from the 20-yard line. What? I don't know. And again, I want to just let the quarterback know, not conspicuously nodding towards your intended receiver is probably a good idea. Yeah. You might as well roll a chalkboard out and be like, so here's our play. Everybody can see. Hike. Speaking of chalkboards, by the way, when Bill Engvull is given his speech, there's some X's and O's on the chalkboard behind him.

The movie understands football so little that I actually stopped it just to count the X's and O's and make sure that they had 11 on both sides. They did. They got that right. That was the closest thing ever came. They weren't aware of that when they shot the field No, not at all not at all. I got to pay 11 extras get rent those football That's not where the those exes and those look like I was given to draw them They were like hey Eli just draw some exes and those and I was like great. Who's on what team doesn't matter?

Just fucking draw it. He's gonna be talking about Jesus anyways, right? So then He gets his chance and and the villain is heckling again oh yes uh how we've got to go back to the bitchy moms in the state right at which point the mom stands up for herself by being like you know what you're right your rights i'm a bad mother yeah and i'm like wait was that you got her And I'm like, was that you got her? And, and, and well, I guess she did because Cruella Deville was so cut deep that she decides to sell Alexa out on the necklace thing. Now, as you recall, early in the movie, mom got a necklace from dad but then went in and exchanged it because she didn't like that one.

And she told her friend about it and now her friend is going to sell her out in front of her husband. And this completely meaningless no no I wanted the green one situation is devastating. Yeah he's like that. He says nothing's good enough for you and I wanted her so badly to be like no just this necklace like this necklace wasn't nice. I want a nice shirt necklace. Well you're mad. Alright we'll talk about it later. wanted her so badly to be like no just this necklace like this necklace wasn't nice I wouldn't have nice or necklace no you're mad

alright we'll talk about it later and of course this is also where grandma comes to uh... to alexa's defense and hits a woman where it hurts the die job she goes you can see that your roots are gray and then all of a sudden crewel has just devastated fuck this misogynistic fucking movie.

I wrote in my notes at this point, by the way, I can't imagine any vagine where we're utilized in the writing of this movie. It blows me away that a woman wrote this fucking movie. Oh, really? So misogynistic. That's so upsetting. Oh, not only that, but it was the bitchy,

it's the bitchy lady who wrote it. Oh, of course. So she was like, I'll let him get me where it hurts my roots. What can I say? It's hard to go through it's hard to I won't cry this take I promise Go ahead and say it out there. I'll just think about other stuff and the director leans forward and he's like I don't understand what's happening. Did you write this movie go fuck yourself? Go hold the mic. That's what I do for a living By the way, this was like the den you're all for for grandma where like she used her powers

of country for the forces of good. Right. Exactly. So this is this is the moment we're supposed to say like, oh, all right, grandma's okay now because she was a bitch to the right person. No, she's just a bitch to everybody and that's the person she was talking to it. I wanted that shot to continue and grandma to just walk out towards the bathroom and kick over some kid's ice cream cone and be like, take take that you little faggot. She jumps in the air like the end of breakfast club grandma. Did she and now? No, of course the husband midway point between George Clooney and Dom Delewese is fucking devastated and I have to say dude like a

Traded necklace is the least you've got to deal with when you're fucking that far out of your league because like say what you will about our horrible acting The mom's pretty smoke and haught. Oh, yeah dad not so much. Yeah, absolutely. I mean he looks he looks like a baseball cap preacher And she looks like a passable eight like a nice yeah, yeah, right right exactly exactly So and of course on the field you know, Bo just can't get shit right unless his Incessuous lover tells him random stuff so then we get that right they have the jack-in fucking they have a Titanic Montage where she's like oh I didn't cheat because of you and he's like oh all right now. I don't suck at football So therefore which leads to the weirdest now again I don't know a lot about sports the guys know

a lot more you guys know a lot more about sports than me but I know that wide receivers are not allowed to call a play there's not a lot of football where they go coach coach I've got an idea oh do you why don't you voice it to me any other time, literally anytime, except right here in this moment? All right. So we have to set this up. This is so like every football fan is going to cringe their way through this bit. Okay. So the team is down by seven points and they just scored a touchdown. And they're about to kick the point after when Bow calls a timeout the wide receiver who is on the field some for some reason For the point after because he's realized that they could go for two

They could fake the PAT and go for two to win the game which he learned on YouTube. Yes Just exactly like a week ago genius now. Okay couple of things here. First of all Coaches in football generally don't go for two often enough. I think most mathematicians and statisticians would agree they should go for two most of the time and they don't. But this is one of the many, a very few circumstances, rather, where you would definitely not want to go for two. You're down by one.

If you missed a two point conversion, you lose. If you get the fucking point after you tie the game. This is one of those situations where you definitely don't want to go for two Tom Kaplan learn that the fucking hard way when I first introduced the two point conversion. Secondly, if you're in the middle of your two point conversion attempt and you call a timeout and two of your players run over and talk excitedly with the coach, everyone knows you're gonna fake the fucking point after, don't they? You're obviously...

I'm obviously running a thing. You're obviously running a thing. I'm obviously running a thing. I'm obviously running a thing. I'm obviously running a thing. I'm obviously running a thing. I'm obviously running a thing. the fucking point after don't they? Your mom is in the stand saying like they're gonna fake a fucking P.A.T. here and go for two. If mom knows the goddamn defense knows don't they? Nobody's trying to ice throw and kick her. It makes absolutely no sense. And the mom knows way too much about football at this point.

She's talking to, oh look, both reporting tackle eligible here. They're gonna run the fake. You still got to the flat. Right. He's gonna do flat, flat. Flat, flat. No, she's got a little

screen that she's drawing on. All right, right. So anyway, so they run over to the coach and they're like, we should fake the PAT and the coach is like, I'm the coach though. And like we, we, you know, you practice plays before you don't just make up a play in the middle of the game that no one else on the fucking team knows you're gonna even knows like how that play goes or anything. You do when your entire defensive lines job is just to like gently shove at the people in front of them. Would you say to me? Would you say to me and touchdown?

Alright good game everybody. So we got Mutiny on the grid iron. We've got a fucking call so stupid Pete Carroll, what nominated in the Super Bowl. And of course, they get the two point conversion and they win the game. And by the way, Bo is all by himself in the end zone. No one else is even on that side of the field at this point. And by the way, they call the two point conversion fake and then they go up to the line.

And then once again, the like extra no need to have another signal, but the signal for it is once again an extended gay i-fuck between bow and the court and the diva like a defense watching this they they have about twenty seconds to respond to this and they can just stay hey do you guys see how he's gazing into the eyes of number eighty three again they did that before just okay here's what we don't let him walk over right there and be wide open because they're still doing there's still one we all just walk over there there are're defensive line doesn't seem to want to move us at all We could just we're just gonna go over here

Oh, what do we we still stand here in a line, right? Yeah, I mean whatever you guys want to do They don't get a delay game just make sure you cover the main character if they snap it Exactly. Yeah, exactly so hooray they won the game or stuff But the movie can't end there. Oh, I want to touch on one thing. So I did not realize that when one does that two point conversion thing, you have to mime, you have to fake mime the kick. And that's in the shot is the guy fake mimeing the kick. So in my head, it was just some gay football player celebrating like yeah X-K ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh, nobody puts Johnny in the corner. I want Johnny to have his own movie, the gay member of that football team, which is every play is like, oom, oom, oom, oom, oom. What is love, baby, I heard me in the background while Bose trying to catch all the football.

I just want to talk about this, this winning catch one more time. So yeah, he finally makes it on like, probably the 50th take, just barely, you know, and zone's completely empty, that the crew clearly went home, except one camera it on like probably the 50th take just barely, you know, end zone's completely empty. The crew clearly went home, except one camera guy who's doing the camera and throwing him the pass into it. I'm gonna get it right about just please.

It's so terrible. The shots first, it's a shot of his arms stretched the wrong way. He's facing the other right. Then he's running the wrong direction. Then he's running toward the sideline. And then you get like a few frames of tech mobile for no reason and and and and he's just standing there facing the camera and he barely caught it really awkwardly and like I honestly like everything that about this movie is terrible but you know

when you actually feel the need to point out specific prop points where the editing was shit you know you're you're dealing with a bad movie okay so like in the middle of this this scene they have they have to cut to the football flying in the air and first of all the football looks like somebody shot it right after the fucking quarterback Released and secondly the background is like Desert or whatever or something when they throw this like it's not even like taken in the same Yeah, and then you see it for like a half a second. Okay. I'm sorry I cannot do justice to how poorly edited this one fucking moment is.

But like literally like it's so bad. It takes you out of the movie. As bad as the acting, the screenwriting, the directing, everything else has been. At that point in the movie, you're like, this movie deserves better editing than that. It's like a green screen that the footballs in Hawaii for a second for no reason.

If halfway through the shot, it cuts to someone's home videos. it's like they wave high to grandma. Wait, sorry football. Still flying through the air. Oh, it was so fucking bad. But hooray they won and now it's night all of a sudden. Now that we have won football, night can fall. Exactly.

The curse is broken. So now they're leaving the they're leaving the football game and somebody runs up to the parents, somebody with the school runs up to the parents and says, oh, you've got to be so proud and they're like, oh, we are

because our thought is awesome. He's like, no, I meant because of your your daughter, I'm the Latin teacher and I just want to let you know that she aced her midterms because that is a weird thing to run up to somebody at a football game and tell their parents about. You would run up and congratulate them because they got

accepted early admission to MIT, not the useless midterm which now means nothing. Right. Oh, yeah. Also, I want you to know your daughter raises her hand a bunch in class. Hey, man, are you just lonely? I don't know. Where are we going after the game am I right?

Woo! Are your tears running down your face? No, I just use some visein. I'm the Latin teacher. You've said that three times I know I'm a Latin teacher And of course Bose about to walk out and then all his friends show up and they're like hey, bow You know, we like you now again because you football, you want to come hang out. And he says, no, guys, I've got a sister to fuck. So he decides to do some family time instead. Oh, and of course, we have to see mom returning the big necklace and getting the little one again so that she's now an unbitch.

Right. And then she goes to the hippie-dippy prayer circle place Where she basically sums up her story in case someone fell asleep and pooped themselves awake for the last part of the movie Where it's basically like I wanted to control the world around me But then I realized God wanted me to snitch on my son Here and then she has a moment with her daughter where she's like here have a tree amulet with a platitude in it and I'm I wrote my notes she got into MIT you fucked hard no one ever mentions it again in the movie no one's like oh and you got into a great school too right but most of all here's the necklace yeah exactly exactly I also want to point out that that now grandma goes to biblical highlights for kids class too

So like the relationship between mom and grandma's what did grandma draw on her coloring book a necklace of ears I wore around myself and now Cut this one off a baby wanted them to know And then it's happy family time because Jesus and we actually end the movie on Dad saying grace That's yeah, so in case we haven't fully warned you off of watching this thing one or a reiterate a couple of things This is a movie about football written by people who know nothing about football or non football things This is a movie that was filmed over an 18- day period, but they took 13 days off to master main. This is a movie based on a grown-up Jesus activity book. This is a movie where Bill Engvault

stands out for his skills as a Thessian. This is a movie written by a couple named Alexa and John, in which the names of the couple at the center of the story are Alexa and John. This is a movie where the soundtrack makes you think the singer just keeps missing the cue and the band has to vamp. This is a movie that would have been a more enjoyable experience if I'd had to eat it. And for my money, this was the single least enjoyable movie that we've ever watched. If they had used EngVal a little bit more, I think it would have been a lot better. And like honestly, I guess that's not a good sign if you underutilized Bill EngVal in your movie. That's probably not good.

But I think they underutilize Bill and Paul in your movie, that's probably not good. But I think they underutilize Bill and Paul. This, by a lot. This movie is as unpleasant as handmade wedding invitations. This is a wedding website of a movie where it's just like, our story fuck you, where are you registered? Our story, you make me click through that shit. That's what this, the feeling you get when you see

our story as a tab on a wedding website is this entire 60-minute movie. You're just like, I'm so short. Thank God it's short. That's the best thing I can say about this film is that it is not longer than it is. That it is 51 minutes instead of 52. It's the great actually like 91. Oh yeah. I was on meth most of the time. So I'm like,, and as far as I could tell, the only useful message in this entire movie is you should always go for the two point conversion because it has a higher expected value. So pretty much all the time you should go for that. Yeah, that's actually except for the time that they did it. Except for the one time they did it. Yeah, and my theory about that,

I think they're trying to say that having faith is the extra point, but the two point conversion is faith and good works. I think they're trying to get pretty deep. No, yeah, they're trying to say that having faith is the extra point but the two point conversion is faith and good works i think they're trying to get pretty deep now yet in lukewarm stupid here's a view and then when if you look here having an ever five on forty fence is going to mean that you're at panacostle and then it's a whole thing yeah so but it's a bit late it balls as the clergy uh... so before we uh... we finish this up i'm curious he did this movie offend you more as an atheist a movie lover or a football fan

uh... yes uh... and uh... and uh... and honestly also as a netflix customer but most of all i'm offended on behalf of fans of the blue collar comedy tour. They've come to expect a certain level of quality. And you know, they didn't get it here. And some guy stands up in the theater. Wounded like a cable guy, come on. I've been sitting in this damn movie for 73 minutes and eight. No one talked about Mexicans. I've got to say, say honestly if the movie had just stopped and there had been just like a jump

cut to Larry the cable guy doing stand up, that I would have been like, oh good. Oh good. Something to kill myself too. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So in lieu of a numeric ranking or whatever, tell me, Heath, as a sports fan, what would have to happen to, let's say the Giants before watching a sports fan what would have to happen to let's say the giants before watching a giant scheme would be less enjoyable than watching this movie huh okay I'm gonna switch it to Steelers because it makes it easier if the Steelers had Mike Vic murdering puppies on camera between plays and having

Rafa Spurger rape them I'd watch this movie and there's unless it was the playoffs there's gonna be three guys on Facebook whose pictures are the Steelers. They'd be like no, let's be real here Let's be real. This is not about the puppies being raped and murdered. This is Hey, man, I know you got Vic on your fantasy team, but you don't need to defend an animal abuser Oh, I'm just saying I'm super pro animal abuse. This is the side I got. No, Eli, as you've said, you're not so much a sports guy. So I want to rephrase the question for you. What would have to happen in a Harry Potter graphic novel fanfic or whatever it is that you like instead of football before you'd enjoy it less than this movie? I would need an entire eighth book just about Luna love good just wandering around and

slowly discovering that she has Parkinson's before I could enjoy it. Where's Luna? Luna woke up. I don't know. I feel shaky. She said to Harry. Yeah, whatever said Harry and wandered away. I would actually, that sounds great now.

Now I'm taking it back. This would have to be a, if the third book of Name of the Wind was entirely about Dena. If the entire book, you didn't get it because you haven't read that book, but there's a horrible character in that book. Trust me, if you read it, third book all about Dena, just nothing but Dena from Dena's perspective. She does her hair, ties those bullshit knots in it. That's how terrible it would be before it had to enjoy it less than this movie well you know i prefer for for what it's worth when i phrase the question i knew i would not understand your answers so uh... there's no biggie two point conversion every time that's what i learned

today here we go you've learned more than most of the most important that's it they keep it they're gonna have the fucking p.a.t. on the other end zone at some point they're gonna be guys it makes more fucking sense to go to and it's more fun to watch and their coaches are still gonna be kicking the guy Get it anyway completely off subject. I guess that's gonna do it for our review of catching faith But that isn't gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to get you all hot and bothered over next week So Eli tell us what's on deck. Last ounce of courage. Oh, shits amazing. Okay, in the preview of this movie, I didn't count, but I'm gonna

guess, and this is a real guess, by the way, I'm not exaggerating here. I'm gonna guess 31 times that you see an American flag during that preview. Yeah, this is, I used to take I used to Watch Nick tunes and then right after fairly odd parents. They would show Marines commercials We're like you's climbing up a mountain and he fights a thing with because they can't show you like fucking an So he's just climbing up a mountain fighting a fire demon and then he turns into a marine. He's like, yeah, sword goes in the pocket to fire demon and then he turns into a marine he's like yeah sword goes in the pocket um so this this movie is more patriotic this commercial is more patriotic and less sensical than the commercials where the marine you know scales up a mountain and fights the

ball rod it looks fucking amazing I have oh I can't tell you anything about this movie right now by the way I know a man stands on a roof and yells at everybody down on the ground That is what I know this could be a whole movie about a guy about to throw himself up a roof and I would love every second of it I Want to give a shout out to Fred Williamson? If you if you're a fan of black exploitation movies you know him he was black Caesar you might remember him from from dust held on but he plays the evil ACLU lawyer and I love the idea the decision to use a black exploitation actor to play the evil bad civil liberties lawyer yeah that's

awesome and they I bet they have no idea why that's so far the baseline crazy of this movie is the bad guy is an ACLU lawyer That's there is no I'm trying that's like the bad guy of a movie being a doctor without borders just like right right there I'm here to help your village with their cleft palettes help your village with their cleft palettes bap bap bap ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Go fuck yourself, you're never gonna come. There's an afterlife. This has huge implications. That's okay. Now okay, so from what I can gather this movie is okay So what we see is that there's that old guy and he's the mayor of a town or whatever and the ACLU is pissed off about something that He's done, but they don't tell you what he's done

So this movie is either going to create a bullshit situation where he's not done anything wrong and no atheist would ever give a shit the ACLU wouldn't get involved. I was praying in my home and this black man was walking by and hurt it. Right, right, exactly. Or even worse, this is going to be a love letter

to people who violate the Constitution on behalf of Jesus. We have one of those two things to look forward to. Either way, I'm looking forward to oh, I can't wait Here by the way, here's the phone call that the mayor's office actually gets from the ACLU Apparently bad guy black lawyer. He says this is the hammer Warren Hammer Schmidt of the Yes, the hand locker or whatever. Your mayor is not cognizant of the statutes that pertain to the separation of church and state. Yes, never before has someone highlighting a word and clicking tools. The Sorus has been more obvious than that part of the script.

And his lacerations fell down her face. I'm sorry, I hate to be the one that cuts in and explains the joke, but if you're not aware of that's actually something George W. Bush wrote in a paper in Yale. And Yale. He was in Yale at the time. So that's just, yeah. In case you're wondering, no, I don't just laugh at everything Eli says, everything Eli says is funny. I'm not an art to comedian.

Fuck you, Mr. opinionate. Fuck you. Fuck you, asshole. You think I don't meditate on that, you know, go to sleep tonight in the last three nights and been like, I don't know, man, I think those guys are really funny and they're so smart and I can't even say solemn and Russian. I'm a sit there in my fucking bed, my pug taking up three quarters of the bed. Let's say playing the goddamn ukulele. I don't read that shit

from you. I fucking sit in here thinking I'm not well. Oh, because you know who need, you know who's to follow himself. The comedian on a podcast. We're so famously egotistical. It's so easy being me. I gotta say honestly, everyone who leaves a one-star review on iTunes is a dick. I'm sorry. Like, you're just, like, email me. Tell me what you know like about this show. Just don't be a fucking dick by me. Especially if you like the other shows. If you like the other shows, that's being like, oh, you know, I really like Papa John's pizza, but I hate their, but I hate their fucking breadsticks, so I shat in the box and sent it back.

You're welcome. You're welcome for my feedback. Well, I'll tell you what, we'll take it out on Mr. opinionated in last ounce of courage. Next week, I'm sure there'll be plenty to bitch about there. Fun little tea party movie. A lot of motorists, like sons of anarchy, meet sons of theocracies. We are just like a American.

Meet the old keepers. Son of man. To those contradict. Yes, they do very much. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. It's a movie. So with all that to look forward to,

we're going to bring Episode A to a much deserved close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash Godawful and thereby earn early access to an extended edition of every episode. You can also help us out a ton by leaving a five star review on iTunes, not being a dick like Mr. Appinionated and the one star thing. If five stars or four, four would be fine, but we prefer five. And of course by sharing the show

on all your various social media platforms, if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist and the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMoviesatgmail.com, all the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of evil giraffes on Mars and was used with his permission. If you like, here, here, more by following the links on the show notes to this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Eli Bosnick and Heath N. Wright. I'm no illusions promised to work damn hard to earn another chunk next week and tell then we'll leave you with a guy from Brooklyn

telling you to fuck yourself. Fuck off, cock sucka. Raven went on to get a STEM degree and stopped believing in God because, you know, college. Bo raped a girl in college and his parents turned him in. He's still in prison. Grandma said the N word at a film city hall meeting that went viral and died of rickets. Neighbor lady finally got the ass kicking she deserved from her husband, and all of her curly, dyed hair fell out.

And dad started making Christian videos and opened his own ministry. He's now known as Josh Faustine. Josh Forstein de verano, Bayhues Sintal Quesur.