God Awful Movies - 84: GAM084 Old Fashioned

Episode Date: March 28, 2017

This week, Eli and Noah team up for an atheist review of Old Fashioned; the story of a man who promised god he'd never be alone in a room with a woman if god forgave him for all the consensual boob-filming he did in college. It's a romantic comedy in the sense that they had to put something next to the word "genre" in the description. --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

Un chapuzón, con el avito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parkesur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con marcas y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, bail Guésville Parkesur. So and he also says like that you know we'll go on another day but this time you can pick the location She's like okay, it's not gonna be a church in your buddy's house. I'm just gonna warn you I would love for it to been like a swing or a party or an S&M club or something like that you said I could pick

You said I could pick Getting the now sit on the pair You're embarrassing me in front of my friends. I watched your weird friend pretend to teach your kid Chinese. Do this for me. Not awful. Movie. Movie.

Movie. Movie, movie, movie. Movie, movie. Movie, movie. Movie, movie. Movie, movie. Welcome back to The Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because Eli really needs a job he can do alone in a room. I'm your host, Noah Luzon, and sitting to my immediate left is Eli Bosnick, because this week I made the mistake of sharing a room with him.

Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm good. I'm good. Noah. You know what's an unforgivable act? What's that? Bill Ming boobs consensual. I might come up. Yeah. Yeah. No. And no, that is not an explanation of why he's not here today. He is still on the fuck tour. Obviously. So Eli and I are going to be holding down the fourth this week, which means that it falls to you to tell us what will we be breaking down today. We watched old, fashioned the story of a religious hermit and an abuse victim finding love based on not the Bible, not not not not, uh, no, no, not at all. And Carl the Pug of Pegacorn,

how bad was this movie? Oh, hey, it's me. Well, if you love romantic comedies, but you are in desperate, emergent need of mental health care, you will love these people need serious. Are they really? Well, the guy, well, yeah, no, they both do. They both definitely. Holy shit. I think I need some mental health care to after learning this. Okay, this movie cost something like 300 grand to make and made over $2 million. No.

No. The producers of this movie netted over a million in profit from doing this shit. As a matter of fact, it broke a record for biggest opening weekend box office for a faith-based film opening on fewer than 300 screens. Just just what the director went to sleep at night telling himself he was good at. What do you want to be when you grow? Okay, hear me out. I got a long thing.

I have long specific goals. All right, so we should say too that this movie was written and directed by the lead actor who goes by the unlikely monitor of Rick's Warts welder. So the inspiration for this movie, as you'll see as we start to break it down, was this guy sitting around and thinking to himself, what if a real pretty girl wanted to have sex with me, even though I'm me? That'd be a good movie, right? Yeah, it's like a weird SNM relationship,

and you just don't get the two scenes of consent where these people are like, okay, so I'm gonna pretend to be a craze person. You don't get to come in the room unless I say so. All right, yeah, I'm gonna... I'm gonna not come in into room. Kind of my thing, I get off on so. All right, yeah, I'm going to not come in into room. Kind of my thing, I get off on that. All right, so is there anything you want to nominate

this one for being the best at being the worst at? I mentioned this just a little bit already. Best, worst, unacknowledged mental illness. Right? There is a character in this movie who very clearly has a serious form of OCD, right? He doesn't go alone into rooms with women because of a terrible event that happened in his past that totally won't pay off.

At one point he's talking to people through a door. He does not good. None of this is, and everyone in the movie is like, oh, you old-fashioned so-and-so. I wanted him just to be like an IP and jars. Just like the old days. Well, and that's the fucked up thing is that they treat his mental illness as though the good old days or whatever. But like, you know, Don Coyote was living in the good old days too. They, you know, I was going to go with best words and the spoiler alert on this at the end of this movie, the two, the star crossed will they won't, they lovers

eventually get, you know, they, they, they, he proposes and they're gonna get married. And so I want to go with the best worst proposal practicality. Oh, Jesus, yes. So it's a, like, I can't really go. Yes, I'm gonna go into the fucking details. They met in a grocery store kind of. So he fills a grocery store with sand. So it's like a beach and he likes 3000 fucking candles and opens it up late. And I'm like, how much fucking money did you spend on this proposal?

How many fire, like how many building codes did you violate to make this happen, bro? I want that conversation on record. Right here me out. Alright, well obviously we're all gonna need a couple of extra Xanix if we're gonna slow down to this movie's pace so we're gonna pause for a quick break. And when we come back we'll dive into all the uninteresting filler that is. Old fashion. Hello.

Welcome to the only super duper fancy restaurant in town. Hi. Hi. Here are your menus without prices. May I take a moment to look at your clothes for too long to demonstrate you don't belong here. And I am done. Okay, quick question.

Why aren't there prices? Good question. The message is that if the knowledge of numbers matters to you, you cannot that far than anything nice. So unpleasant, right? You think we'd be nicer. Look, sorry, we're just celebrating a really big anniversary here. We wanted to eat some good food that source responsibly and that doesn't taste reheated and old. Oh, so you've ordered blue apron. Every time. Not you, too. Why? Blue apron is the number one meal service delivery in the country.

They deliver fresh, proportionate ingredients to your door with easy to follow, step-by-step instructions. Can we just hear the specials? Absolutely. Salmon peccata with orzo and broccoli, pork chops with miso butter, with bok choy and marinated apple, veg double chili and baked sweet potatoes with crispy tortilla strips. And of course, spicy shrimp coconut curry with cabbage and rice. Wow, that sounds delicious.

Wait a minute, that's Blue Apron's menu for this month, isn't it? Yes, yes it is. Okay, can I please just get the specials for here? Oh, okay. we have a meat that is somehow a foam, something that sounds good until the last ingredient makes it sound like something a space alien would eat. And of course, the weird dish for two. Very much recommend the weird giant dish for two. I think I'll just stick with the menu. Excellent. You can check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free.

With free shipping by going to blueaprin.com slash God of all movies. You will love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home cooked meals with blue apron. So don't wait. That's blueaprin.com slash God of all movies. Dude, you know what she meant. I did. Now, would you like a $9 bottle of water or are you peasants? Tap will be fun. Hmm. No apron.

A better way to cook. Everything here is white. I'm sorry. I made a promise. A promise to what? Well, never be alone with a woman. Oh, why? Well, a woman I wasn't married to.

Wait, how is that even possible? I guess you could just say I'm old-fashioned. No, no, that's not old-fashioned, that's fucking nuts. What? Yeah, what time here do you think people weren't alone in rooms together? We get... Oh, the Bronze Age? The Bronze Age?

Has it got Jews? Okay, well, it's really more for me. I mean, what do you do if there's a fire? Or if someone is hurt and needs your help? Are they a lady? What? Yes, if they're a woman. I.

You'd let them die, wouldn't you? No, I know. You totally would. I mean, me. Yeah, wouldn't you? No, no, you totally would. Maybe. Yeah, not sure if I want to rent here. Okay, one rule. You have to leave if your moon is here. Okay, that's it.

I'm done. Must be her moon. Hey, folks, quick announcement. We are headed back to New York on June 17th for another live show at the beautiful Florence Gould Hall in Midtown Manhattan. Our last two live shows have sold out almost immediately. So stop kicking yourself for missing the first two and come make fun of movies with us in the city that never sleeps. As usual, we're offering our VIP ticket, which guarantees you a seat in the first few rows, as well as an exclusive mix and mingle dinner with the guys before the show.

But that's not all. Actually by request by you, we're giving something we're calling our platinum night a try the night before the show, June 16th. This is a limited seating recording where you'll have dinner and watch the movie with us, Mystery Science Theatre 3000 style. We've never done one of these before, but if you ever thought, God, I want to be in the room with these guys watch the movie, now you can. But like I said, every single one of our live shows to date has sold out. So don't drag your feet, get your tickets, Saturday, June 17th, New York City, now, right

now. Do it. Do it. Do it. Okay, back to the show. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're gonna start this flick off with half a dozen producers that each chipped in 14 bucks in a good lock bouquet. And then it's off to out of place boring dialogue from later in this movie that will make no fucking sense in context, even when we finally get to the context.

And both of our notes here are, wow, it's early in the movie to hate this movie because he goes, I thought I'd always be alone because that's what I deserve. And she says, that's a bunch of hooy at which point both of us are just like, fuck you movie. Like I wrote, I hate this movie and we are one minute, one second into it. Now that's counting the logos. And there were like eight of them.

So yeah, boy, it does not take long for me to hate this movie. And what really pisses me off, okay, I am a huge fan of like silent movies and just old movies in general. And they use like some old fashioned title cards in this. And I'm just like, fuck you, man. Fuck you. You don't deserve those. And they use them right. You don't get the same tools, Buster, Keaton. Right. Exactly. They use them twice and then entirely abandon them though. And they use them right, you don't get the same tools buster, Keaton. Right. Exactly. They use them twice and then entirely abandon them though. And they're like, this is how character characters. Yeah. We couldn't think of another way to tell you these people's names. So, yeah, so we get that little flash forward or whatever. Then we go to a wood shop

where we meet our hero fixing a rocking chair. Yeah. And he's clay. They want to make damn sure we know this early. Right. But we look around his shop and it's just like a horror movie prop shop, just like haunted dolls and puzzles that when you solve them, the hell raise or come back. Yeah. But it's an antique shop. So we're seeing like, you know, old grandma phone and old school radios and stuff like that. And then we cut to some chicken a car and she's amber. Damn it. That's the other title card we get. We have Clay and Amber and this movie does not want you guessing at those names, which is nice to be perfectly honest. I take notes in

Christian movies all the time where they don't reveal the person's name until act fucking free. Yes, this is a nice change. I really appreciate it. Also, we're supposed to know Amber's a little wacky because she's got a dream catcher and a cat. Can you believe it? Who has a dream catcher? Women these days. Oh, so yeah, so we meet her. She's got everything she owns packed into her car and her cat is just like sitting in the car like not in a bite. I'm like, I hope this bitch gets kidnapped by a cannibal before this is over to carry your fucking cat. But she runs out of gas in this little town and then she looks at the classified ads

because I guess that's how she is. She just goes to she runs out of gas and then looks at the classified ads. Yeah. And I wrote that in my notes as a joke. I was like, oh, yeah, but she just drives till she runs out of gas and then looks at the classifieds ads. Yeah. And I wrote that in my notes as a joke. I was like, oh, yeah, but she just drives till she runs out of gas, which would mean 98% of the time she ends up living on the side of the fucking highway. The first count she's found in six years. Well, and what's bizarre about this is that this is the sequence of events that they show us. She runs out of gas. She pulls over. She opens up a newspaper, which just they delivered to her car apparently, looks through the classified ads and then drives to a place to rent.

Right. She's out of fucking gas. Right. Okay. All I needed was for her to make cupcakes and ask someone if they believed in love and I would be rooting for her character to die. Now, okay, so I want to mention this actress right off the bat is way too good for this fucking movie.

Way too good. Like she is the one person in this movie that is actually an actor and knows what she's doing and is charming when she's supposed to be charming and sad when she's supposed to be sad. And that actually makes the movie worse because it makes you more aware of how bad everyone else in this film is. That is true. That is true. And there are moments where you can see her, the intelligent actor, say a line and then check in with herself and be like, Oh, no, that's not the line. I must have just fucked up my line. And you know, some director wandered forward slash

actor slash writer in this case and was like, no, no, you nailed it. You nailed it. You really hate that radio DJ. Yeah. I intended for you to say that. Yeah. So, okay. So she ends up going to this antique shop that we saw a clay at, because apparently she wants to rent the apartment over his shop.

But when she walks in, he's not there. So she turns, she puts a record on his gramophone. Right. But when she gets it out, she bows on it, even though it's not there. So she turned, she puts a record on his gramophone. Right. But when she gets it out, she blows on it, even though it's not dusty, like, if dust came off it, that gesture would make sense. But it's a perfectly clean record. And she's just like, I'm just like, that's not an Nintendo cartridge. It's fine. I don't know the thing. He was like, he just thinks all old stuff works like that. So he eventually comes out when he hears the music plan and takes her up to show her the apartment.

But this is where we learn that he will not walk into the apartment with her. Right. She says, like, are you not coming in? He says, well, I've made a promise never to be alone in a room with any woman that's not my wife. And her first reaction is, wow, your wife must be some kind of crazy bitch that beats you, huh? And he's like, no, I'm not married. And it's, it's nuts, by the way. Like, let's take a moment. The conceit

of this movie is fucking nuts. It is a man. Honestly, like, monk is not a romantic comedy. And that's what this room is just like. I'm sorry, I need to touch the door knob 28. There's nothing wrong with mental illness. Just don't treat it as like a romantic quirk. No one's ever like, he touches the oven 28 times. He can't sleep. It's old fashioned.

Yeah, right, right. Well, in her reaction to this, when he explains this, she's like, oh, that's sweet, I think. And I'm like, yeah, no, that's exactly what you would say. You'd be like, okay, this is, I'm disturbed, but I don't want him to know yet. Yeah, if she had just backed out and like, you see her car peeling out of the park, well, parking lot and then a new name card shows up for someone else. Crazy billionaire remake.

I love it. Yeah. And she asked him. She's like, she's like, you know, and he says, he also explains here that he doesn't date either. Right. Which this is, okay, I haven't been laid in seven years. So now I'm pretending I do it on purpose territory. Well, and he's later going to explain that he doesn't believe that dating makes us good husbands and wives. And then proceeds to date this girl throughout the movie. What he means is fucking. He doesn't

fuck, right? I guess. Yeah. Because they date a ton. They do stupid manic pixie dream Christian dating, but they do date. Yeah. Right. Exactly. And they never, there's no like a resolution to this where he's like crosses this off of his list of things He can't do or whatever right. Yeah, and then she asks like you know, she's like okay, all these promises Who did you make these promises to and then he has to shrug because the real answer would sound so incredibly stupid? Jesus Sorry, who a dad get Get the Freddy Grab I. Yeah, right.

Right. So yeah, so she moves in. I guess his mental illness wasn't enough to scare her off. So we see her moving in. And that's it. At this point, she turns on the radio. And this is going to be a big part of the movie listening to the radio. Yes, that's a big part of the much more this movie.

And apparently the radio is broadcasting some kind of fuck to the finish contest. Cause it's like there are 26 bachelors and only 14 bachelors left. Like what fucking contest is this? Hunger Games. Yes. It is.

So throughout the movie, this will be the Christian criticism of like a society gone mad. Again, in a movie about a man who is physically afraid to be alone in a room with a woman in case he makes a demon in the sky mad, because once he filmed boobs, spoiler alert, they're making fun of the Bachelorette. Look, I don't like the Bachelorette. I think it's something we should eat grapes and feed Christians the lions to all watching. But I don't think it is less healthy than this.

Well, yeah, right. Right. Well, and also that's not how the goddamn bad. There's not 16 of this in five anyway. Yeah. So I'm just dying to know how that contest works in their minds. So now we cut to clay and he's loading a truck with his black friend trademark. And his other radio DJ friend who is like moving to LA.

Right. On a David Smalley, I guess. Yeah, exactly. He's what people picture when we tell them about our show. Yeah. He was doing like he is my night. If I woke up as this guy and be like, oh, no, it all went so horrible. It's so terrible. It's so terrible.

Because he's just like dick joke. What Christians think Howard Stern is radio DJ? Yeah, right, right. Exactly. And this is also the part where like, you know, these three friends are reliving their glory days as a first runner up to the state championship basketball team, I guess. What a pathetic group of fucking humans. Like, if you want me to think to myself, wow, are these humans just take up space? Have them

relive something that happened 22 years ago and isn't that big a fucking deal when I first made them that wasn't a war. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. And also, I love this moment too, because they have to give us a little foreshadowing. So as he's moving, Clay picks up like a girl's gone wild DVD that's in one of his friends boxes. And he has this like ominous porn filming flashback. He's like, we're getting in there. We're getting in there. It's so good.

It's so good. You don't believe it. Like I paused the movie and I was like, no, no, it's great. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty fucking awesome. So then we cut from that to him, the, the same three guys hanging out at a bar. And of course he's drinking salts or water because he's old fashioned and old fashioned people don't drink alcohol. Right. What? So yeah. And I love to that like, they chose for this character, his buddy who is like the big success moving to LA. His job is in radio. Like I'm a fucking

podcaster and I admit this is not a real thing in the real world. Give me a fucking break. At least I wanted, I wanted so badly to watch the radio DJ go through the, what do you do for a living conversation we do? Okay, so it's like the radio DJ go through the, what do you do for a living conversation? We do. Okay. So it's like the internet. No, you can't, you download it. We give it away for free, but we, it yeah, there's ads, but there's this thing called

paid. It's like Kickstarter. I don't want to do it. It's fine. I'm working radio. Yeah. I do it. I do it, pizza.

1058 the hawk. Go for it. I also love to, yeah, just keep listening. I'll show up eventually. I also love to that when they've got, because they've got like a clay's buddy, the radio guy going like, man, you used to be such a player back in the day, but really it just plays like,

hey Clay, remember that time when you put your P in a V? It's like, please don't say that anymore, man. You know, I feel about those days. He can hear you. Yeah, it is a rancene about their friends terrible mental illness. Yeah. Right. Oh, Clay, I'm going to touch you. I'm going to touch you germs on my hands. And he's just like, no, the demons start peeing on his hands. Oh, Clay got him so wacky. Yeah. So, all right. So we finish up with that scene and then we get

Amber waking up and she turns on the radio and the, his body on the radio station is buddies, the DJ and he's the only DJ in the entire world, by the way, because anytime you turn on a radio, he's what you get. And the first line from the radio is women are stupid. Yeah. That's, that's, that's how we open it. Again, that's their idea of Howard Stern. It's kind of my idea how it's turned to, honestly. Or, you know, yeah. The YouTube version of Archimedes. So yeah, so she's, so she just says she's going to call the radio show and tell him to fuck off herself.

Why? Why would you, what did you think that would, hey, you know what? No one's ever done that before. All right, let's talk about the gender gap and how it's real. So yeah, so yeah, the message here though is that women don't really like good guys. They like to have sex with people in the private parts sometimes too. And that is again, that that's like largely the point of this movie, right? The point of this movie is it's trying to say to like guys like Clay, don't worry. Eventually a gorgeous woman will just run out of gas in front of

your house and desperately try to fuck you until it works. But you make her way. You make her way. Right. And I need to point out about this radio DJ because he is like just a straw man of I can't imagine what the the fast secular radio lifestyle of whatever. He vacillates between making relatively decent points and making insane points that someone would be desperate. Carried because he's just like, uh, women don't want to wait around and be let on by their man. Also, if you fuck him in the butt, it doesn't count. I am the same character.

And also, okay, why is she continuing to listen to this? Shit, even if it's the only thing on the radio, don't listen to most people go their whole lives without ever listening to the radio, don't listen to most people go their whole lives without ever listening to the radio lady. You can handle this like me trying to jack off to rush Limbar or something, but he's on petite beat. I have to watch it. Yeah, so now we're back to the antique shop and George comes in.

This is this character will be important, I guess. And the way we meet George is he comes in and he says to Glacus, knock, knock. And then Glacus, who's there? And they have to admit that they literally could not come up with a clothes for that joke. So he just goes, I don't know man. Come on. I here and check out my truck and buy some stuff. Right.

Outside, outside time now. And I want to point out this movie is called Old Fashioner. It's all about what a gentleman he is. And he proves that by his friend seeing Amber in the window and being like, hey, hey, I want to fuck you. I want to fuck you. And he's like, hey, come on, man. Hey, not doesn't go like, hey, I'm a gentleman as the structure of this stupid fucking movie setup. Don't scream. I want to fuck you at women who stay in my house. He's just like, I'm a gentleman as the structure of this stupid fucking movie set up. Don't scream. I want to fuck you at women who stay in my house. He's just like, I mean, as long as you're not in the room with her.

Yeah, I mean, this is pull off a glove and slap this dude with it kind of shit, but no. Yeah. Oh, God. And that's the thing again, like every other male character in this movie has to be straw man to that degree Right, right like I know there are guys like that don't get me wrong I wish that there weren't but there are but like not every guy except clay Right, there are not two settings of fuck hermit or rapist So okay, so now it's it's late that night and her pilot light goes out. So she has to call the landlord to fix the stove, but oh my goodness, what will he do?

He can't be in the apartment alone with her. So he makes her wait outside. He makes her go outside of her own apartment while he lights her pilot light. So crazy abusive, so crazy. And again, like all we need is a quick three-seeing thing where he's like, uh, I'm really into this. Is this your thing? And she's like, no, dude, I am soaking wet right now.

I am a moisture factory. Please make me wait outside while you fix my thing. And this is a great movie. This movie could have won me over with three lines, but it doesn't have it. So it's fucking weird. Yeah. I mean, if this woman at any point said she was soaking wet in a moisture factory, I think I would have definitely bumped it up at least one star. So there have this weird conversation as he fixes the stove where she's standing outside talking to him through a screen door.

Like they've divided the room in half as children and she can't come on his half. They have this religious discussion, right? Right where she's like, well, I'm spiritual. Like, oh, I liked you. Right. And all the Christians are supposed to be like spiritual and we on the other end were like, all the Christians are supposed to be like spiritual and we on the other end were like spiritual. Right.

Right in that green zone of people that bore both sides of this podcast. Exactly. Right. And she's like, and they have that classic, like I believe in the Bible, but you know, not all of it. And he's like, what parts of the Bible do you believe in? And she's like the non-rapey bits. The parts about not selling sex slaves.

And he's like, oh, yeah, me, me too. I don't smash kids heads against the rock. I'm super calm. I'm the calmest person. And she also at this point, like kind of goes in for some of the details of his promise about not being in a really with a woman. So she's like, does that mean you can't go into a grocery store until you've confirmed that there's at least one man in there, you know? Yeah. Right. I wanted him to have like a chart that he pulls out. Okay. So here's the thing. If there's a fire in the building, here's what I do. I throw a male dog in through the window has to be done. Well, I love to that as actual answer is, is like, well, I won't be alone with a woman within reason.

No, no, you don't get to use those terms, like next to each other, asshole. We won't, we won't steal blessed and you don't steal reason. That's our word. Yeah. Yeah, that's our word. Yeah, and so she's like, you know, and this is also where he's talking about like how he doesn't date and she's like, but dating is fun. And he's like, it doesn't teach us to be good husbands and wives. Yeah, it really does. He has that like, you know, usually learn more about someone in a job interview than you do on a date. And I'm like, you're bad at dates. Yeah, or really good at job interviews. It also says that learning to be, he says that dating teaches us to be witty, charming,

and romantic. And I'm like, yeah, that's a terrible thing. Yeah, that's why I would. You want to be, yeah, well, and she even says like, what about the sex? And I'm like, I kind of feel like this dude's sexual activity is unaffected by whether he's actively looking for it or not. Unless there's money on the line, I don't think it matters. Right. To which point she says sex takes practice and he's like, no, no. Oh, really?

I'm going to be really good at it. That first time. That's the one thing that doesn't take practice, huh? Okay. So I didn't need to write Laura that apology email. Hi Laura. That's really her name, isn't it? Four kids leave her alone. Don't clap. I'm gonna bleep out her last name. Yeah, I think we probably should. So and also she says like, well, you know, because they're talking about sex,

she goes like, well well what about other stuff now I'm thinking jacking off this movie means like Butt stuff or something apparently but like she's like what about other stuff He's like yeah none of that either and like wow Yeah, that explains a lot I Really hoped that she was like butt stuff and he was like oh, yeah, no, that's fine And then it's just like a okay, man, like a rick and balls. Hardcore anal scene.

Crazy billionaire. This movie could have used a hardcore anal scene, absolutely. Thank you. And then he has a couple of like super fakie sneezes. Right, but that never plays out. He's just like, what? And she's like, bless you. And then they continue the scene. There's no moment where that make I was like, you could cut that.

We cut that from the podcast. We cough and sleep. Well, eventually we'll learn that he's allergic to our cat, but it won't matter. There's to like never any reason why we've added that to this character or whatever. That does make sense. Okay. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Because in this scene, I was just like, wait, what the fuck was that? Right, right. Well, yeah, I guess I'm like, yeah, three scenes later, we, we figure it out. Yeah. Um, but yeah, he monologues on about how we don't have to hurt each other. And I'm just like, yeah, but I mean, if you're into that, it's okay. Yeah. Um, this is honestly one of the least comfortable scenes I've ever watched in my fucking life. Yeah. And I think it was way more uncomfortable because like I said, this actress was pretty

good. So she's actually pulling this off as a real thing, right, which makes it all the more creepy. Yeah. She is having a reasonable reaction to this behavior, except for the part where she goes, I'm so sorry, I'm going to lock the door and call the cops. I don't feel sick. Yeah. No, I'm going to call the cops and he's just like trying to hack his way through right right? She gets on the phone She's like, oh Clay's got another one, huh? Yeah, no, we'll send out a car. We keep one nearby. Don't worry about it, honey We'll be right there So yeah, so the next day he's boring the fuck out of me some more This is where his customer comes in to get the rocking chair. He was working on in the credits

The black guy so he's an old black guy. And he's like, oh, yeah, there's quite a story to this chair. And he's like, tell me the story. And he's like, actually, I didn't really volunteer that. Thank you for your work. Do you take credit card? Tell me the fucking story. Okay. Sorry. I got it as a child. It was a gift. Shit, my story was god damn it. I said there was a inter I didn't think you would ask. I had a dream last night. Sorry, I don't have sex with many. All right, and then we cut to him having tea with his psychotic Christian aunt who he is allowed to be alone with because she's his aunt Yeah, which is very not old fashioned a not to fuck your aunt and With an old person and I want to point out like at this movie

I recognize that like oh the person who wrote this movie thinks that all the gross terrible things like Making chairs that are stupid and handmade and hanging out with old people. All those terrible things that we stopped doing now that cultures better, he thinks those are admirable. So just so you know, we're going to get a lot of that. Yeah.

Also, interestingly enough, despite the fact that this movie I believe was made in 2014, there's not a single cell phone or computer or piece of modern technology ever in front of the camera. So yes, so now Amber has gone off to get a job as a florist. Part time florist is a small town. That's going to pay the bills. And she nailed her audition, by the way, at this floor, she, she's putting a flower into a bouquet and she's like, you are amazing. She's the Marlin Brando of florists. That's right. Walking through the door, man. And there are three people working at this small town, florist, three.

Yeah. This seems a little much. Yeah. Also, we got, because we're cutting back and forth between this and, and the old and or whatever. And I just want to point out that she's mad at clay because he forgot the canned tomatoes. Ugh.

And every time we see this character, she will give him shit about Termators. And also channel her dead husband because everyone in this movie is mentally ill. Everyone, including the aunt who's like, Lloyd says to kill you, but my hands can't grip your throat. Bring me to me. I want to be to squeeze between my thighs. I love to. Okay. So at one point, like he's talking to the aunt and he's like, well, I've rented that loft apartment to a young woman. And the aunt, like, faux faints, you know, like, oh, a woman. And, you know, and like, how desperate

must you be for your family to be relieved to even know that a woman knows you You know, I spoke to a lady Yeah, and as if this scene wasn't already uncomfortable enough He will now lotion up that old lady's hands Not okay. This is what happens when you don't jack off buddy. No, this is what happens Not okay abandon your elderly relatives. They are dead now. That's you, Lars.

Take my advice for it. Have a grandmother somewhere. I'm a senior in years, whatever. Oh, I mean why? Amber is in a bar being a heathen. With Pixie Cut. Oh, I like Pixie Cut. You want to know who my favorite character in this movie is heathen with pixie cut. Oh, I like pixie. I really you want to know my favorite character in this movie is fucking pixie cut. Oh yeah,

is the only character she is us trapped in this movie. Right. She should be like, yeah, my landlord made me wait outside and she was that sounds super fucking unhealthy. I'm gonna go fuck that guy over there. She also fucks a long hair, dude. I like that about her. Yeah, Tarzan, they call him. Yes, yeah, because he's got long hair. Yeah. Also, we should mention that she has a cast on her wrist and has since the movie began, this will kind of pay off, but in a very bizarre way. And everybody's signing her cast at the bar. And this is where her boss notices Clay's signature on her cast and she's like, oh, that motherfucker, huh?

Oh, he used to fucking fuck hard. Yeah. Couldn't walk right for a week after I met him and she's just like, whoa, and she's like, no, no, you don't even know. Do you ask him about butt stuff? And also, okay, so Trish gets up to start dancing with Tarzan. And as if I didn't love her enough, she dances like me, holy shit, this woman is white.

Yeah, it's pretty great. It's a lot of hand waving. Yeah, exactly. A lot of dice rolling going on. So, and then also we get the scene ends with like a look at all the sad ladies at the bar. Boy, could they use a good old fashion guy. Oh man and man is there nothing more Christian male written than the idea that women alone at the bar are hoping for a guy to hit on them. He never met a woman in my life who was like I'm going to bar because I'd like a stranger to bother me for fuck. And then we get this scene and this to me was the most awkward like one of these people is an actor and the other isn't seen in the entire fucking movie. This is where we get Clay and Amber running into each other at the supermarket.

Oh, God, yes. And again, she's so good. She's like, are you flirting with me? This is our first date and he's like, no, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. And you see her as an actress, be like, God, damn it, man, give me something, fuck you. And the, the inner spurs this scene, I guess, with a scene of him and his, his black friend, TM, uh, plan basketball, uh, discussing, uh, but apparently the only subject this guy ever discusses with anyone, which is why he's not getting laid. Yeah.

And don't, don't get me wrong. I went a long time not getting laid in my life, and I understand that that is sort of the topic you want to talk about when you're in that situation. But we don't have to make a movie about that. Also, there's friends with this guy for a decade and he's been this way for four years. Like, how many times does this come up before the black guy's like, hey, man, you watch any good movies lately. You're right. You know, you're dick and people.

This will be like me every time I saw Eli go and so podcasting, huh? Podcasting. Okay, well, that's not a good example. casting, huh? Podcasting. Okay. Well, that's not a good example. So, yeah. So, we go back to the grocery store sequence or whatever.

And look, I can tell you from experience, this is how that works, right? When you're awkward and avoid eye contact with people and are uncomfortable talking to women, they come banging down your door to fuck them. They really do. That's how it works. Yes. Jesus. So they're walking through the grocery store arguing about which groceries are romantic and which aren't. God, they had a bad actress. Again, Noah Sorrent, if they had a bad actress, it'd be fine. It really would. If they had gotten Angela in, and she had just come in and been like, I like, we're going

to wheel past, I feel like training. I have a good time. But just watching someone with obvious depth and training, like, say these words, you know, she brought her family to the movie and they were all just like, you were so good. What did you think of the movie? You were so good. What did you think of the movie? You were so good. Right. Yeah.

And of course, this is where they run into his black friend and her wife at the store. And he invites Clay and Amber to his birthday party. Apparently him and his wife have the same birthday. Right. And we learned that there are mixed race couple. And I wanted more than anything in the world for Clay to be really not okay with it because he's all a fashion. Just refuses to speak to her. Hello, really again, I'm just saying, I feel like that's plus O equals O. And I feel like honestly, like that's why they did that. I don't know, but I feel like that's what

they, because they wanted to make sure that they, that people understand when we say old fashion, we don't mean hates black people. And you know, they lost a percentage of their audience with that, right? Because like, if I noticed, you know, sure as fuck, a Christian movie audience noticed, and some, some of those old ladies who watch these movies with me, were like, no, no, no, let's go. Up. There we go.

Let's go. I'll bring the popcorn home and put it in a bag. We need it for a week because my family rightly abandoned me, abandoned your elderly family. I've really gotten a message based in this show. Yeah, you have. I'm proud of them. That's good. That's important.

No more, you know. And so following the sort of Christian movie formula because we were talking about going to the birthday party in the last scene, we are now at the birthday party in the next scene. Right. And Clay is glancing at her longingly out of the corner of his eye, like a fifth grader trying to get up the guts together. They do you like me? Check this box note. But his buddy like saw the sexual repression welling up in him and decides to go over and like give him a pep talk about like your dick can still do it, man. It's so weird, so weird. And so his black friend's solution is like, hey everybody, well, when my birthday,

we've been together for eight years, my friend Clay, who's birthday, I need to emphasize, it is not and is just a random guest at this party, would like to fuck that lady over there. But bye. Yeah. Well, when, you know, we first walked up to her, there's like four or five guys crowded around her, you know, because she's pretty and it's a party and, okay, that makes sense. And his buddies like, Hey, man, you better, you know, go over there and get in that before

everybody else at the party runs a fuck train on her. You know, that's going to clearly what's going to happen. And then he gives his little speech about how Clay likes her quite a bit. And then we cut the cake to the musical stylings of guitar guy at the party apparently. Oh, Jesus. I wanted so badly for the camera to pan over to someone with his shoes off on a nice couch, just like, Hey, black bird singing in the dead of night. Who's brother is that? I'm gonna stab that guy in the pocket.

Oh, so okay, so we get this opening present scene and I have to bring this scene up because of the bizarre choice they made in what the wife got the friend. I guess they're not married. What the girlfriend got the black friend, which was LeBron James partially smoked cigar and receipt yeah, she was at a restaurant where he was and after he left She grabbed this post partially smoked cigar and receipt and again speaking to like the girl being the only good amber being the only good actor He the right moment in this is for him to be like oh my god God, that's amazing. But instead, he's like, weird. You want to marry me?

Yeah, well, that's what he got her. He got her, will you marry me? And she seems pretty hesitant. Yeah, she's like, really? You want to get married? And he's like, yes. And she's like, what kind of married? And he's like, please say And she's like, um, what kind of married?

And he's like, ah, please say, yeah, this is a terrible proposal. This is what happened when I had proposed to my wife. I want to snap my neck like scorpion. Right. Right. Oh, I'm sorry. The words you said aren't yes. Oh, I'm sorry. I need to jump into something throat first. Hold on. Yeah. No, it's really awkward. And especially like, look, if you don't know for fucking sure that the answer is yes, don't propose in front of all your fucking friends. You asshole. Yeah. Don't, yeah. Anyway. Yeah. But that's it. And she goes, and she says at this point, she goes like, I thought we said we didn't need a piece of paper

to prove anything. And he's like, yeah, I said that a lot because I just wanted to keep. But now I recognize I'm older and my choices are limited. Now there's a kid and I want to get into a Cheerios commercial. You get it. This is the most I will settle for you proposal. You can possibly imagine. Yeah. Anyway, so yeah.

And now later in the party, Clay is doing the dishes while the party is still going on. Right. He's not old fashioned, he's autistic. And the woman's like, now that is hot. And it's like, no, no, that is rude. That's kind of weird. The rude party is still,

I want to start vacuuming just like. Yeah. Well, I have to line all the fringes up on this carpet. I know you guys keep stepping on it and turning the one over to the side. They all have to be facing the same way. Um, and then they have this weird conversation where like so much, they start talking about where they should go on their honeymoon and they turn to clay out of the blue and says, Clay, what would be your ideal honeymoon? And he goes, well, the swelling strings come up or whatever. And you're expecting him to have a good answer. Hmm. All right. I was. Yeah. This movie very much sets up that he's going

to be like a walk on the beach. A world unknown. And instead he's like cabin in the woods, a case of bottled water and all we do is fuck. So first of all, dude, you're gonna want some fucking crackers. Yeah, all right. You need that she gave a raid to go with the water. Yeah, some Chinese food, something. All right. Second of all, that's not a goddamn honeymoon. Nobody wants that. Nobody want nobody in the world. You say all you want. Everybody fucks three times. And they're like, all right, let's watch them chopped. Nobody, you need a minute. That's what you know, you end up with, you end up with 47 hours of sitting around a goddamn cabin. Yeah, right. Right. So yeah, but despite how shitty his answer is man as she impressed.

So you know, obviously she's in love with him now. And now we cut to radio host guy who is now in Los Angeles doing his show from the big city of heathens and Satan is lucky Chuckie lucky Chuckie. Yes. Uh-huh. And today's radio program appears to be talking shit about his black friends engagement. Yeah. Yeah. No, he starts the whole thing off. They're like very angry that his buddy is getting married because he's now betraying the secular lifestyle. Yeah. And we're hearing this. Okay. So like they're listening to this apparently at the floral shop where Amber works as well. Right. Even though they all hate him. Yes. Yeah. Exactly. Everybody hates this guy, but they all listen to him. And they're talking

about, they end up talking about clay. You know, how did the date with Lego love blah blah blah. And Trish Pixie cut says, my theory is that he's gay or that he's lacking in other areas. Is she or some, you know, phenomenally small penis reference there. And then order comes in and she's like, he could have AIDS and she's like, guys, guys, what are you doing? And they're like, well, I'm just, he could have AIDS. You know, you haven't been in the room with him. Have you seen his fucking SDD scores somewhere? You haven't been in the room with him. Have you seen his fucking SDD scores somewhere? And you have paper through the door. Yeah, right.

And now we have to see George again. This is the guy that came to sell him stuff and couldn't pull off a fucking convincing knock, knock joke. Mm-hmm. I might know, at this point, just like, how the fuck can I keep watching this for another hour? What am I going to do? Is there an intravenous thing that can work here? So and this is also, so, so I guess this scene exists so that Clay can turn to his buddy, George, and say, Hey, George, how did you know your wife was the right one?

At which time we get the saddest goddamn life story you can imagine? Yes, his answer is I didn't. I dated her out of pity, then she kissed me, then I was like, I can't break up with her. And we've been married for 35 years. Because answer to how did you know she was the one is, I'm still trying to find the right moment to break up with her.

Right. Yeah, I gave these like, yeah, and I was just going to break up with her and then I had to go to the war and I'm like, yeah, I'm probably going to die in the war. I might as well have somebody like cry over that, I guess. Yeah. So okay, so mercifully done with that scene. And that is the end of the scene, by the way, there is no day no more to that. It's just like, how did you know your wife was the one? I fucking hate that, baby. That's a rap people. Great day. Great day. That is how that scene was supposed to go. Yeah.

Either that or there was more of that scene and they were like just like, yeah, dude, we saw that you like pulled your dick out halfway through. We can't really use that. I don't under because when I was in third grade, I stole a candy bar every day at noon. I guess you could just say I'm old fashioned. So now he's listening to his gramophone. Well, she watches old black and white. She's watching Meet John Doe, which kind of pissed me off. Like, fuck you guys, you don't get that movie, but. And she's also, I'm sorry, this is a movie trope, but she's got the money jar.

Oh, God. There is nothing more frustrating to me than a character that pretends to be saving with a fucking money jar. First of all, unless you're feeling that thing with $100 bills, you got $150 bucks in that goddamn thing. At most. Yeah. And second of all, get a fucking CD. All right. What do you find a chase? Well, also, where is this? She's not a waitress. I mean, like they pay her at this forest. My put her in one of them Money grabbing tubes from prom at the end of the day. All right. You get nine minutes today

This is not how money works. How can you not know how money works people? Jesus And okay, and now her mental illness starts to come out because she decides that she wants to stand outside and watch her landlord do stuff in her apartment again. So she crams a bunch of shit into her garbage disposal. So he'll have to come work on it. Uh, none of which would break a garbage disposal. By the way, she's like, blueberries. Yeah, that they did. They handle those pretty easily. I jelly. Water. It's broken now. I'm like, no, you made a smoothie. Yeah, right. So yeah.

And then so he comes up to fix it. She has to go wait outside again. But this is also where we find out that she never finished college because she lacks focus. Right. Which I know this is a movie trope and not like a Christian movie trope, but there's always that like, I'm such a failure. I have one Spanish class left to take. And the moment I do, all my dreams will come true. I say this is someone who'd used a tutor for a living. So many people were just like, there you go, Spanish class is done.

Yeah. Well, it looked job now. Yeah, I mean, she says, I would have a B, or I would have like four different BAs if I could finish my Spanish class. So she didn't get a degree because she couldn't master a stamos, a stisesthan. Give me a fucking break.

Right, and this is where he reveals that he had a breakdown in senior year. We're gonna get to wine a little bit that he had a breakdown in senior year. We're going to get to wine a little bit. He had a breakdown in senior year and now he just wants to be good. That's his quote. Now I just want to be good. I'm writing in my notes, dude, get some meds like find someone. No one has a breakdown and then comes out the other side with like great realizations

about not being in the room with other people. Well, it even she says like, what do you want out of life? And he says to be a decent person. I'm like, wow, striving for mediocrity, the movie. That's interesting. Also, look, we get it. He's like Gary Cooper in me, John, please stop raping that fucking movie. They keep interspersing that movie with this one. Go fuck yourself. You're not good enough for that movie. The world has enough greatness. Christian movies in a nutshell. Exactly. That's why invisible figures has ladies sending people into space and all of these movies and with people holding hands by a lake. Well, and that's the thing. Like she goes, he says like, you know, I just want to be good.

And she's like, I think the world has enough greatness. It needs more goodness. And I'm like, hmm, that's probably because you're pretty and white. Yeah. It's probably because you don't have any of the cancers that haven't been cured. That too. Um, also like this, he sneezes again. This is where we learn that he's allergic to the cat again.

Will not pay off. It's not like she ever has to choose between him and the cat. Well, I was very grateful for the I was certain that like a romantic gesture through the movie. She was going to hand him a box and it's going to be a dead cat and slide. With a note that says, I choose you. The relationship so unhealthy. I was like, I know where this is going.

Run Mr. Ketter's run. Other people will look at your butthole. You need to believe in yourself. And now, okay. So now she's breaking her fridge so he can fix that too, but she's breaking it with a power drill. She's drilling into the back of her fridge with a drill. I wanted her soul badly to hit the free on thing, get sprayed in the fan. And he comes to the door. He's like, I would love to help. I can't see my God. I've invited some other people over as soon as they get here, I can

help you. Yeah. And look, okay. Like I got it. She's trying to break stuff so that he'll have to come in and fix it. They can flirt some more or whatever. But like, there's not like a natural problem that happens to your refrigerator that involves like things getting drilled into it. But so he comes up to fix it. This is where he asks her about her stupid jar. And she says when I went at the jars all the way full, I know I have enough money to move on. And I'm like, okay, that's like $27. Those are all singles. She's just halfway down the street. I have enough money to move on. And I'm like, okay, that's like $27. Those are all singles. She's just halfway down the street. I'm moving to the next anti shop. And this is where she reveals that she was in an abusive relationship, which is why

she's been running from town to town with only a jar full of money. And she tells this horrible story about how her ex didn't want her to wear nail polish. And so he broke her hand. That's why she's in a cast. And I was like, holy fucking shit this movie. And his response is, yeah, he's a dick. Well, but, but barely even that, like he even makes jokes about it. Like a minute later. Immediately he's like, what color nail polish? And she's like, oh, it was clear. I mean, I deserved it.

I mean, so stupid, so stupid. At no point in this movie, does this movie stop and go, because he has like a, you really abused himself, and I wanted to be like, no, no, he abused me. I was the one who, I'm the one. See the cast? I'm the one who got abused. Yeah, and also this is kind of a weird thing too. And this has been happening throughout the entire movie. And we'll continue to

happen throughout the movie. But when these two are talking, they fill the movie with these weird postcard-ask establishing shots of places we aren't and will never be right. Like how many times do we see like a establishing shot in a forest and then cut to the floral shop or something? Yeah. They don't know how that works. I guess they just saw movies inside. Oh, sometimes you put pictures in a twain. The scenes.

I guess. Yeah. So, and now the bullshit continues of her breaking stuff. Now she is knocking the hinges out of her door. I wanted so badly for him to come up and hurt her leg, just like have her hair done and the apartments on fire behind her. Seems to be a problem, I think, with the floor. Yeah. So and this is where like, she kind of browbeats him into going out

with her, like, I'll stop breaking shit if you go out with me. Right. The okay fine you can date me moment of this movie. And by the way, let's point out if someone doesn't want to date you like if the gender roles were reversed here this is a creepy fucking movie right just a guy being like date me no date me no I'm gonna keep breaking shit tell you date me I will destroy this apartment which you are to fix. Oh, let's make old fashioned, but just with the gender switch, we get that. She was good. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And something tells

me Rick Schwartzwalder isn't doing much. He'd probably, yeah. So his, okay, this is amazing. So they go out on a date. But what they do, they go to a church to find out if they're equally yoked or whatever. And even the priest is like, what the fuck is wrong with you people? The priest is like, so long have you been engaged? And I'm like, this is our first date. And he's like, nope. Nope. I wanted him to just get up and be like, nope, go fuck yourself. No, I'm just a gay guy. Get out of here. You're making fun of me, aren't you?

But instead he gives him this Christian compatibility book. Oh my God, we have to own this fucking book, bro. It's called like red light yellow light green light or something like that. We're going to find this book. You and Anna are going to do it. Me and Lucinda are going to do it. And if it's above a 10th grade reading level will have Heath like read it to his girlfriend If it's gonna be so pissed that I use the word girlfriend

I'm just saying he's not gonna be pissed off about the 10th grade bed Done bad bad so So they're reading through this book and they're like um, it's it's like It's like being interviewed by a fourth grader, you know, like what's your favorite color? We're an interview interviewed by a fourth grader who's like trying to get you to talk about fucking who won't do it But it's just like so What's your favorite thing to do at night? to get you to talk about fucking who won't do it. But it's just like so. What's your favorite thing to do at night? How many men children will you spawn for me?

That's basically one of the questions. Oh, and this is so fucking weird. So he asks her like what experience she has raising children. I guess that's in the book or whatever. And she's like, hmm, and then we immediately cut to like her taking care of the black friends kid. Right. As like a test. Yes. And she's like, oh, I hope I'm doing it right. And the kids just like, this isn't cool. Right. You could do so much better, hun. Mom, dad, I don't think you should be facilitating this. They're like, please, we just want them to stop talking about whether or not his dick has been

in a thing for it's been a decade. He can cut off all our skin for all we care. It's all we effort talk about. Yeah, and they're all sitting around by the way watching this woman cut up pairs for what appears to be a seven year old child. Yeah, well, that's what I wrote. This kid is like 26. Why is he being said? Child should be dating he.

Yeah. For missing an episode. I don't like you wouldn't have done that otherwise. Um, but also I love to at one point, the dad, because she's cutting out the pair and the dad goes a smaller pieces please. And Clay says no coaching. And I'm like, if she gets this wrong, the child dies. Like she did kid jokes to death. He's like, yeah, but humor me. Crax is six pack of black children in the fridge. All right, here we go.

Okay, smaller pieces this time. Oh, she says, I love to that. Like this scene ends with her looking into the black friend's girlfriend, fiance now, I guess at this point and saying to her, he thinks he can run me off. Again, creepy as fuck. If she jumped out of a bathtub at this guy at the end of the movie, I'd be okay, but she doesn't. So.

Well, and then in the next scene, like his friend is calling him out on how fucking weird this is. It's like, you know, can you just take her to a movie? You can go get food or something. Right. But no. And so, and the mom also was teaching the kid

Mandarin Chinese, which I thought was a weird little addition. And never comes back. No, yeah, exactly. It's not like they eventually run into a Chinese person and only the daughter can speak to him. Also her pronunciation is terrible, which bugs the shit out of it. I get it. Look, white people. I get it. It's so exotic. Teacher kid Chinese, but like, have a Chinese person who knows how the fucking notes work.

It's a musical language. It's not like us. There are tones. There are tones. There are tones. She's like the word. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't know what you just said. You say thank you. So also, this is where they reveal that apparently the the friend and his fiance are going to get married in their backyard. I'm like, Oh, wow. So it's more of a cook out than a wedding. I would go to barbecue slash wedding. And also, this is where his friend reveals to him that Kelly is going to be at the wedding.

Don't go. Yeah. And it very much gives you that dark, dark, dark, dark thing. And within the movie, we'll find out more about that later. Hey, let me save you two and a half hours. He and Kelly were dating and then he fucked her friend and they broke up. Yeah. That is the drama of this movie.

Well, also he used to do like a girl's gone wild type thing. That's where we learn it. We finally learn it. He, the reason why he is old fashioned and won't be in rooms with people is because he used to run girls gone wild. Yeah. Mm-hmm. It's about a guy who used to run girls gone wild. They don't call it girls gone wild. They call it like coids gone crazy or yeah, whatever. Like that, but it's about a guy being like, hey, do you want to show me your tits for money and people being like, yes. And he is so guilty about that. Then he develops a terrible mental illness.

Yeah, he gives away all his ill gotten porn dollars or whatever it was and don't get me wrong. Okay, like, look, I don't generally have issues with porn. I do have issues with porn like that, you know, where you're going and finding like spectacularly drunk women and shit and convincing them to show their tets to a camera and then selling that or whatever. I do have issues with that. So I do feel like the people who do that should be guilty or should feel guilty or whatever. But this guy's like, you like, carving apologies into his skin. Exactly. Right.

And like, look, that's, again, it's super gross, but the answer to that is to not be a gross person in the first place. Like, no recompense that happens further down the line. Well, but the thing is, though, if you feel guilty about something like that, if you feel guilty about having done something like that, there are things that you could do with your life, you know, like you could, you know, like, whatever, like you can find things that charities that work to stop human traffic or some, and try to like actually like make up for what you've done, the harm you've caused or whatever,

or you could go lock yourself in an antique shop and refuse to be alone with women, because you just don't trust yourself. Not to film their boobs. Right. He's just like they're on their honeymoon. She finally takes off her shirt and his phone is out and he's like, I'm so sorry. I can't.

I got to know this is gonna be hard for me. So now their date is over. He drops her off and she's like, already, huh? And he's like, nothing good happens after 11 p.m. That's wrong. Oh, my holy fuck lady. You would be more likely to get dick from the guy and son also rises. Um, yeah. So and he also says like that, you know, we'll go on another day, but this time you can pick the location. She's like, okay, it's not going to be a church in your buddy's house.

I'm just going to warn you, I would love for it to be like a swing or a party or an SNM club or something like that. You said I could pick. You said I could pick. Get in the, now sit on the pair. You're embarrassing me in front of my friends. I watched your weird friend pretend to teach her kid Chinese. Do this for me. And I love to like they show him at this shit hole diner. And I guess this

is supposed to be more reminder that he likes old fashion things like shit hole diners that you wind up because you're too drunk to drive all the way to Dunkin Donuts and it's in walking distance kind of places. It's one of us in Heath and Tom and Hiley to wander in the other side of the time. Are you Christians still up in? That's a deep cut. But a young couple is is making out nearby him. So now he's so turned off of his food.

He can't eat because those kids these days and they're being alone with the opposite gender. Yeah. So now we go back to work where her coworkers are making fun of her stupid book. Again, Trish is the most likable character, the only likable character in this fucking movie. And she's just like, this is a stupid book.

And she's like, it's not stupid. It's a test to see if I get fucked. It's stupid. It is stupid. It is stupid. I love to that, like, her friends are making fun of him and she goes like, but he's reliable. He's handy. And I'm like, wow, those are the best compliments that this guy who wrote and started this movie could come up with for himself.

That is second only to you have a really nice penis. No, it's not intimidating at all. It's perfect. second only to you have a really nice penis. No, it's not intimidating at all. It's a perfect. Again, it's fine. So he shows up to pick her up for a date and I actually kind of like this little thing. She has a shoe box full of possible date locations. And he has to just reach in and pick one and I'm like, oh, that's kind of a sweet idea, except that when he reaches in and pulls one out, it says hardware store.

Hardware store. And then we flash cut to some access. And I wanted them to like go on a murder screen. Something. What are you supposed to fucking think when they go to a hardware store? And the first thing you see is the three of the two of them choosing between three or four different axes. I also love because look, I've lived in small towns before and yes, if you wanted to fill a whole shoe box full of date ideas, you would have to have hardware store. So they, I guess the idea though was they were going to get an act so he could go chop wood

and start them a fire at a park. Yeah. So it really should have rent park, but whatever. It also felt like this guy got a stunt wood chopper. I bet he did. Other end of the X. Yeah. And also they have the whole like trying to agree on a radio station moment. Yes. And she she's like, how can you be friends with Lucky Chuck? And he's like, Oh, Lucky Chuck, he's a victim. I used to be like that. But I was worse. So much worse. And I wrote in my notes, did he kill a girl during the girls gone? Why? Because we see like him flashing back. And I keep expecting him to be like, show me your tits. Bam, there,

Scott her. I'm your gun to the heart. It's never going to play out. He's just, he's just real mad about doing that to drunk people. I guess, yeah. Yeah. And you really have to guess because his emotions never match his face. Anyway. Um, yeah. So now we were at the bar so that he can meet her co-workers. He's fucking hate him, which is a delightful part of the movie. It's literally like a one line scene where she's like, so she says you're reliable next scene. Well, that didn't go super well.

Yeah, they're normal. They, sorry, they, they're not going to humor your mental illness quite. I need to go to a hospital. You, if you don't get help or take that medicine, they told you to, yeah, well, and the way they sat this up is like, they're, through their red light, yellow light book or whatever. And one of the questions is, do you like each other's friends? And then they show him meeting her friends and not.

And the answer is no. No. Also, this is where he gives her a present, which is a Spanish learning CD, and a magnifying glass like you would see with like an old school detective would have. That's to help her focus.

Hope by the way. Oh, that's what he said. I hope find clues for that girl he killed during the girl's wild. I also love too that he gives her a Spanish learning CD. Right. A CD like you don't we have computers, you know that. Here's this Spanish level beta max. I don't know if you.

So now they're at that shit hole diner that he was at earlier. And this is like literally a check your food for maggots kind of place. Yeah. Um, but then they end up talking about sleepless in Seattle. A much better movie. Much. Yeah, don't remind us how good meat, just dough and sleepless in Seattle. A much better movie. Much. Yeah, don't remind us how good meat joth doe and sleepless in Seattle are in the middle of your fucking movie.

And he spends this scene defending the bad boyfriend of a character in sleepless in Seattle. Man, is there nothing that exemplifies Christian movies more than a guy defending the villain of a romantic comedy. She really should have sex with him. He's just allergic to cats and also really mean to her. Yes.

Exactly. So, oh, and of course, at some point he's given her his jacket because he's so old fashioned and she reaches into the pocket and no, she doesn't find heroin. That's a good movie you're thinking of. Instead, she finds a checklist that he written to himself of stuff to do on his date. Uh, one, one, one item on this list. Please respect her emotions as well as her body. That is on his god damn list. That is something you write about someone you have in a well in your face. That is not healthy. Well, and her reaction to this is not like,

I have to go to a ladies room that has a me sized window in it. But instead it is, how is it that you're not married? And he's like, oh, I'm crazy. Read it again. Yeah. Did you not read like, oh, I'm crazy. Read it again. Yeah. Did you not read the, yeah, yeah. I mean, look, I, maybe I'm doing this wrong. I have never had to write myself a reminder not to grab, hit unsolicited. Well, you're not a president.

Well, that's, and I never will be. So the next day she's inspecting her cat with a magnifying glass while listening to her his CD, because they didn't have Spanish English A-trex. Now I want to put, there are three words or phrases that we hear from this Spanish language CD, which are, I shit you not, ola, boy those deals, adios. Okay, so her problem was that she didn't know enough Spanish to follow along with a speedy gazales cartoon. Give me a fucking break. I want to see that final exam. Hold on, students, and she just started speaking in Spanish. She's like, whoa, whoa, sorry. So what was that first one? Get out of college. You don't belong here. Yeah. So now they're going to go on a date again, but this time he has his own shoe box.

And I wanted all of them to just be well in my basement, well in my basement, well in my basement. I'm going to get what you did there. But no, they end up going to the library and reading Bartlets to each other apparently. Get out of here. Get out of here. I cannot stand when bad movies use brilliant writers who would disagree with them to be like, Oh, love is like it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no his house, right? She's like, would you like to come out to my house? I'll make you dinner and she's like, oh, will we be alone in your house together? She's like, no, I'm gonna bring my crazy aunt. No, honestly, I just need help at this point. She is a lotion factory.

It's honestly, it's like trying to rub lotion into a beach. You're gonna want to bring a hazmat suit, because it is just, can't even get into it. So they go to his house. How rot is the word? That's what the doctors call it. So they go to his house.

And first of all, this is like every girl I dated in high school's house. I was so uncomfortable in this house, but she loves it. Apparently, right? Because it's so old fashioned. And it's got creepy Jesus shit hanging on the walls everywhere. And of course, the aunt is in this scene,

so she has to talk about Termators again and go out and plant some Termator seeds with Amber. Right, and what we're supposed to get out of this scene is that Amber has just blown away by this two story bullshit house with the weird Hebrew 10 commandments and the fake fucking stained glass windows. But it's just a house. Right.

It's just like a kind of shitty house. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. A lot like the place I rented in Vel Dosta to be honest with you. Yeah. So they have to dinner together. Oh, well, first they have to speed pray. This is the weirdest saying of grace that we've ever fucking seen in a movie.

And I think it's because he can't touch a woman for very long or whatever because she's like the aunt is like, let's pray. And they all touch her their hands. The instant their hands are touching. She says, okay, I'm done. Stop doing that. They all turn into the power rangers. Form of ice shield. Um, yeah. So now it's after dinner and he's washing dishes again, because he's so old fashioned. I'm, I'm sorry, men washing the dishes is not old fashioned. Just polite.

Yeah. Just polite. It's just a polite thing to do. But the old fashioned thing would be to beat her until she did it. Right. So like, there's a reason the good old days weren't good. Right. I'm just saying make America

something And also she like looks at his bookshelf and she's like, uh, did you read all of these? I'm like, what the fuck else would he have done with them? No, I fucked those four. Don't touch him. Do not touch him Don't this one gets angry if you open it to page 12 Don't. This one gets angry if you open it to page 12. Yeah, and this is also where like she quizzes him on which parts of the Bible he does and doesn't believe in. Yeah, and the answer is she doesn't know enough about the Bible to ask the hard questions about the Bible. Yeah. It's not like, okay, so let's go through due to a runny. No, sorry, I just realized you

can't be in the room with you. Yeah, also we have to zoom in to see how just how tattered and worn his Bible is. I love that shit too, because I've known so many Christians that just intentionally keep their Bible up on the dashboard of their car. So it looks more worn. I'm not going to read this motherfucker, but I can make it look worn. Yeah, also I have a bunch of books I've read a bunch of times. They never get like fuck to death. Like just take your book out, read it like a person and then put it back on a shelf.

Re-monster or get a several and rotate them. What's going on? Yeah, you guys only have the one book. Get the bunch, whenever you finish a chapter. I guess. Also, this is where we get a little more backstory on Kelly now this is really fucking weird Okay, so he's telling oh when when she opens his Bible a picture of him and Kelly fall out of it He's like oh Kelly. I sure wish I hadn't fucked things up with her for like five minutes only this is not helping bro

Do not do this shit. She loves it Amber's just just like, yeah, yeah, how much do you miss her? Again, one of the many reasons why it was really awkward only having one person in the movie could act. Also, I love to like he says, but then I screwed things up with Kelly and I fucked her best friend and I broke her heart. And so I went into a dark place. But then I read the Bible. And he says, and I quote, once I read it for myself, I couldn't make fun of it anymore. Yeah. And I wrote, we both wrote in our notes as people who've read it for themselves and made fun of it. We don't think you tried hard. Yeah. Right. Like not even Ruth. It's our note. You can't even find something to make fun of in Ruth. About the porn parts, man. Come on.

Good stuff in there. And then they end this conversation by him joking around like, Oh, I hear voices. And she's like, that would be silly. The room thing is fine, but the voice is what? Get out of here. Well, and then Aunt Zella, who is pretending to be asleep in the chair or whatever wakes up long enough to say, ask her to go to church with you.

Yeah. And of course her reaction like every not the main Christian in the movie ever is what is this church of which you speak? Courts you. You said a word. Courts. Yeah. And then Aunt Zella is a sycobion in this goddamn scene as I am.

Yeah. Right. Like she's just like, all rightion in this goddamn scene as I am. Yeah. Right? Like she's just like, all right, we've done with this shit yet. Cut. I'm too old to allow to do that. Cut. All right. And I guess even the actors are demanding breaks from this stupid movie.

I suppose we've earned one too. So we're going to pause for a quick minute. But before we do, let me give act three the hard. So no, there's really nothing I can say to make this movie sound exciting. But we'll be back after the interstitial. I gotta tell you, Clay, I am so excited that you're proposing here of all places. Yeah, it's gonna be great.

Okay, all right. So what are you thinking? Okay, well, I'm gonna want some candles. Ooh, romantic. Yeah. All right, well, one thing about the candles though, there is, this is a grocery store, there's cardboard everywhere. So we got to really worry about fire safety, open flames, not a no candles. Well, how many were you thinking? Like 400.

No, yeah, see, that's, that's a lot. Okay, let's put a pin in that for now. Anything else you had in mind? I want to make the floor a beach. Say what now? Yeah, like a path of sand to the baby food aisle. You want to make a path of sand in this supermarket where we actively serve food. Yeah. And then she finds me in the baby food aisle. The baby food aisle? Yeah, yeah. That's where I'll be waiting in a fedora with bottled water I'll need for our non-stop fuck honeymoon.

Right. Clay, you're not well, are you? No, not at all. Got it. I poop in my shoes because I saw boobies. It's really the plot of this fucking movie, really. And we're back for more of this shit, and as though we have not suffered enough, the next scene is going to open up with children singing off-key about Jesus.

For such a long time. This is things I hate cubed. Yeah, the next scene they're're gonna go to a chalkboard store and run their nails across the place. Yeah. Well, no, it's even worse than that because the next scene is a kid who can't read, trying to read.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, it's true. I forgot about that. You remember that shit when you were a kid and you were in school and there was that one kid that you're like, oh, come on, don't call on him. He's gonna be embarrassed. We're all going to get frustrated. It's that kid and we get to listen to him.

Read them. Jesus. But bad, bad, good, good. Goddamn it. I'll tell you what, I'll read this whole novel while he just figures out that sentence. I'm doing the same times. And of course, this is where he holds avers and Clay and Amber sitting in a G not KIS says anything, not anything.

He just holds her hand. Yeah. Who? And now we're back at her work again. So our boss can tell her that Clay just isn't right for her. And and I love this because like pixie cut is going, you can do so much better. I'm like, yes, absolutely. Like you almost would have to try to do worse.

You'd have to go to a prison or something like that and find someone who's almost paroled. Right, and she's like, I don't know. He just feels like home. And look, feels like home after a long time together is a very nice sentiment, but I feel like you don't want to enter a relationship looking for someone who feels like home.

It's probably not healthy. And Carol, this is that that's that's her boss at the floral shop or whatever is trying to talk her out of this. So she says here, take this and hands her one of Clay's old girls gone wild videos. Now, this means that she keeps this video in arms reach at all times in case she ever has to warn someone off of fucking clay. Why would you? And let's see. She enjoys girls. Yeah. Well, that's true. I guess that could have been that. Yeah. Is that like I love, as I'm saying that Eli's looking around the room going like, what are you saying? There's something wrong with having porn and

arms reach it all the time. He's like, I'm moving shit on the desk. I'm going to close this arm more than I really. So now it's time to go to the bachelor party for the, for the black friend. This is a pretty uncomfortable scene too. Yeah. Okay, so is bachelor party and lucky Chuckie has hired a stripper. Yeah. I think strippers at a bachelor party are really, really gross. Look, it's fine. You want to do it. It's a weird way to celebrate loving a person for the rest of your life. And my, not the one I prefer to trick my friends to losing poker to a 12 year old poker pro from Japan who doesn't speak any English. You know, yes, he does. I get it's a different thing, the different thing, but like, I've been at bachelor parties

where there's a stripper and I'm just like, all right, I think that's how you've chosen to celebrate. Yeah. I'll be, you know, over here kind of trying not to like, but, but so strippers definitely know how to take a no. They are not aggressive. I've been to enough bachelor parties with a stripper and been like, oh, no, thank you.

And she's been like, awesome, man. See you at the dip and I'm just like, no, no, no, no one's ever been like, I need to grind on him. He looks like a marshmallow peeping a microwave with hair on it. Yeah, but so Clay has blown away by how awful this is. And it's not even a matter of like he quietly leaves the room. It's not even a matter of he loudly leaves the room. He shuts off the

music, shoes out his friend and storms out of the room. And it's like, it's not enough that you're not enjoying this. No one can enjoy this. And you have to make this poor woman feel like even more embarrassed than like maybe probably she already did when she took that job. Yeah, there's no reason to like, because again, this is just about being cruel to someone who makes their living taking their clothes off. Right. Right.

Look, she has the second easiest job, aside from podcaster. Just like, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. A good for her, but he's like, this is disgusting. Your disgusting. And he's the good guy. Yeah. So he storms out and then we cut back and now his friend is that's going to get married. Well, he just can't go through with seeing boobs.

So he leaves to right. And so they meet outside the hotel, everybody's going on to the bar or whatever or something like that. Stay house. Stay house. There you go. A lovely way to spend a bachelor party. Yeah, no, that makes sense. And Lucky Chucky comes up to Clance's man. I want a stripper refund. You know, you know how much money I spend on that stripper and I'm like, I saw 81 dollars. I saw her. She's 50. Yeah, good. I got eight more of these to do tonight. We made it. Oh, this is such a fucking bizarre line. But he like, Clay like is telling off Lucky

Chucky and he says, you want to laugh at the idea that love can be something sacred. Yeah. Fucking what? He also says, when did treating women with respect become a joke? And I'm like, no, no, it's become less of a joke. Again, you're the old fashioned, well, you got to switch it up with the thing. Well, and also let's, let's, let's examine everyone's reactions to the stripper coming in the room. Gee, who was most disrespectful? Exactly.

Oh, that lady didn't go home and was like everyone enjoyed seeing my naked body and I felt terrible. She was like, some asshole turned my music off. I gotta restart that song. So yeah, and her bouncer catches him outside of the hotel and he's pissed because all the tips he cost her last night, because let's be honest, it's not like he just made her like more uncomfortable and embarrassed and and chewed her out for doing her job. But yeah, he also cost her money. Um, so him and the gigantic bouncer get into a push fight. Which is okay. This is the guy who's too Christian to be in a room with a lady, but oh, he'll fuck a guy up. Like there's no problem. I'm just fighting a dude. Oh, barely. I'm right into my nose like, man, he could fuck up some vampires.

But like, like literally, you've got to imagine this is like, this would be like me getting into a fight with Mike Tyson and it being a draw. Yeah. You know, it's like the, yeah. Anyway, and so the stripper like gets between him tells him to stop fighting, calls him out for being a dick rightfully so and then he has more porn filming flashbacks right and he's like he's like playing moody basketball to like fat girl doing lyrical dance music. But again woman. He's conflicted by that. He's seeing almost boob reminded him. I don't even know.

I saw boob. Yes. Right. He's angrily basketballing and it's just like, why are you? I can see why everyone else involved in this situation would be angrily basketballing now except for you. Except you. I want it to be angrily basketballing while he's asleep at home. That would make perfect sense. Just dunking the earth is flat. Call back. Yeah, it's an all ours. Different show now.

But yeah, and also like meanwhile, by the way, Amber bought herself a Bible. We see her opening the cellophane wrap. The Bible's come in cellophane wrap. Why would a book? They don't spoil comment. I guess that's again. Well, they do get really tattered very easily instantly. And also she's ripping up pictures of her and her boyfriend. Well, her ex-husband. All right. That's right. That's the big revelation we learned that she was married. She's a divorcee even more sinful than a stripper. Again, if he was actually old fashioned, he'd be like, no, yeah, Mary, you're still married.

I got to call your husband, Tom, his property's missing. So the next morning she rushes down with her shoebox so they can date some more. And this time he opens up the, like he picks the, the paper, he unfolds it and just says get lost. Oh, so I was so hoping he picked another one that said fuck you. Picks another one.

I hate you. I show you video. Yeah, but no, the idea is that they're going to go out and get lost somewhere. Yeah. Which is such as, again, all of their dates have been stupid, but this is the stupidest, just like,

let's just drive until we are unsafe. Let's just drive around and yell fuck you to the generations that won't have fossil fuels. Let's go somewhere with no destination in a very large truck with just the two of us. This, this movie's about dating with your 16 and have no money. Yeah. Like, because this is what I did with when I was 16, I think you just want to drive out

somewhere and make out. Yeah. Yeah. For making out, they don't make out. No, they don't. Look, if you're fucking this scene makes sense, but if you're not fucking, just go to a coffee shop. You don't need to go anywhere ever. With so funny to us, they pull the card over to the middle of the road

where they decide they're going to read the book to each other and they get out of the car and they don't like lock it and it is watching at this point and she goes, someone's going to steal the car. And no one goes, we lived in New York, I tell you all. I'm like, I'm saying like there's no one for a hundred miles in any direction. A road for a weekend pops out of the grass like a guinea pig. So okay, so now they're, they're reading their compatibility books some more while they're lost by some farm or whatever. And this is the, okay, from the book, how many sexual partners have you had in the last 10 years?

Okay. And so they have this conversation, by the way, is much more entertaining when they did this bit in clerks. But like, okay, so then this is, he's got to go off again on how bad dating is and how horrible it is. And this is how he describes a normal date where two strangers hop in bed together and then decide whether they like each other afterwards. And I'm like, that's, sounds awesome. It sounds, first of all, that sounds fine for happy people. Also, that's not how it has

to go. You actually get to choose how dating works. You know, you get, well, I don't get to choose the one where you just hop in bed to bed and then decide whether you like. I do not get that choice I've never had that I've suggested it several times Need you to be real funny and for me to be real drunk Yeah, but this is where she drops the I've had sex with boys bomb on him. Five guys in 10 years. Five guys in 10 years. Yeah. So she's lying. Yeah, this. Oh, a fuck montage of just like 84. Yeah. Right. Cuts back to him. Really? Five.

Yep. Five. We're three's people. Whatever woman says times three, whatever a guy says divided by three. It's always true. And that makes sense. And of course, he can't even remember how many girls he's been with. It's also five, but he's not his memory is not good. Oh god, the state's should even compare to their other ones. his memory is not good. Oh God, the state's should even compare to their other ones. And then she asks him why he hasn't invited her to the wedding with his friend and her fiance. Yeah. And they basically have like a fucking fight about like, yeah, but aren't you supposed to be nice to me? Like I get your old fashioned, but like, you supposed to want me to be around and like meet your friends and be with you. And he's like, that's not your old fashioned, but like, it's supposed to want me to be around and like meet your friends and be with you.

And he's like, that's not what old fashioned dating is. She's like, what the fuck is old fashioned dating? And he's like, I'm so conflicted. Yeah, I hit you and then carry you back to my cave by the hair. I mean, like, yeah, right. She asked him at one point, she's like, how do I make you feel?

Like, because she's like trying desperately to be like, okay, does your dick move at all when I do this? You know, but yeah exactly and she's like like don't you Kind of wish we were fucking at this point. I mean we're you know, I won't tell Jesus right she says how do I make you feel? And he's like I mean don't you want to think about me before you sleep in her he's like no She's like, I mean, don't you want to think about me before you sleep in her? He's like, no, no. And helping care again, any other movie like someone comes over and is like, oh, no, he got out. Come on. Make some chairs cut off his penis and senior year of college.

And look, I mean, we have to emphasize again, this guy looks like Sam Wisegames, he got dressed up for the spelling B and the actress is gorgeous. Beautiful. Yeah. So yeah, it could like, hard to believe this woman is begging for this guy's dick. But, hey, Amber, like, if you're listening, I just want to say, I'm very funny, give it a couple of months. And he can afford a lot of alcohol.

My hands are always sticky and it's because I don't wash them, but if you get used to it, because we don't hold hands or touch much. I'm all set. I'm all set. I'm all set. I recommend it. And now she goes home and she's going to watch his porn video after a once and for all and if she masturbated That would be the most sensible thing anyone did in this fucking movie and she's so horrified by I wanted to like vomit and shit

herself and take a crying game shower Okay, well look she's reacting to it like it was a snuff film. I guess we don't know that it wasn't I Want this to be intercut with the Woody Harrelson scene from True Detective where you're like, oh, no. Oh, I feel sorry for anybody who hasn't seen True Detective. No. So yeah, so and meanwhile while she's watching his Girls one wild video and crying about it George shows up the guy who's sold in the love seat that he's now working on But he's in no mood for George's bullshit today. Yeah, and so George gives him the wisdom of if you do Life's too short if you don't life's too short Yeah, feeling this movie is weird pieces

of other scripts. Like this guy just walked around some like NIFA classroom and just picked up old last pages and we're like, stuff is great. I don't know why people didn't go with it. Keep throwing this stuff away. Okay. So now we go back to the floral shop so she can join the, you know, I saw a porn support group. And apparently like she's thinking about breaking them up, breaking up with them now because he filmed boobs, consensually. I don't understand. She looked at the front of that movie and she was like, I wonder what this is about.

Like, it's good. The cover of the DVD should have created this complex. Right. 28 minutes left created this complex. Right. 28 minutes left in the movie. Yeah. Yeah. So like, and he's trying to call her, but she's busy off getting shit faced with Trish and trying to find a dick to ride.

Yeah. And she, who does she go back to the hotel with? Uh-oh. Lucky Chuckie himself. Oh, no. Also, like, this is the only radio DJ in the world. He has used his voice. Did they not have a moment where she was like,

Hey man, are you lucky, Chuck? That asshole dude that I hate. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Are you angry lady caller number one? I am angry lady. Oh my God. But now so I guess it's clay is running around looking for her. Why I don't fucking know, it doesn't even make sense.

He's a stalker at this point. And he goes to, he winds up at the bar where Trish tells him that Amber already left to go fuck some dude. I love Trish. So she's all, She's a Trish. We're as Amber and he's like, oh, she's getting railed right now. No, no, no, don't look away. Rail.

Yeah. Ow. Ow. You see this? This is Tybo training and it's best. I'm showing you with this cucumber. What is happening to her right now? Oh, please Trish, show me with a cucumber.

Anyway, so yeah, so now he's sad eating to the radio and static, not even to the ratings. Oh, yeah, no, it wasn't it. That's really old fashioned before they had radio stations, I guess. Oh, God, this dude's balls are now the ticking clock of this movie. Yeah, so she goes to the back to the hotel with Lucky Chucky and we have this whole scene where she like reaches the threshold and can she walk in? Can she step through? Can she have sex with a grown up?

Oh, I don't know. And at the same time, Kelly shows up at Clay's house. Right. Remember Kelly? Yeah. Yeah. And he immediately left her and I was like, this whole movie is fucking bullshit. Yeah. And yeah. And he immediately let's turn. I was like, this whole movie's fucking bullshit. Here's the thing. If you set up the rules of your fucking movie, which

is that he's not allowed to be in rooms with ladies. And then with 10 goddamn minutes left, you're like, Oh, you know, come on in. Fuck you. You moving. Right. And he doesn't have sex with her, but he's already committed adultery at his heart. If that's good enough to send people the hell over, and it's good enough to fuck your movie up with. Yeah. So yeah, now it's the next day, and we see the wedding stuff is already, and his buddy that's getting married is worried because Clay isn't there yet, and he's the best man.

And Chuckie is there, and he's like, I hope he hung himself, and it's like, hey man, it's my wedding. I hope he's dead. Hope he's dead. man, it's my wedding. I hope he's dead. He's dead. And so Amber goes off and I guess she's going to find to see him like she's forgiven him for filming boobs five years ago or whatever. So she's going to get him to go to the wedding, but she sees Kelly leaving his house that morning.

Oh my God, this isn't a conflict. No, it really isn't. Even if he fucked her, it shouldn't really be a conflict. But no, but he slept in his truck, so he wouldn't be tempted. But she doesn't see that. She doesn't know that he slept in his truck. The floor is lava too.

Again, that is like the most bizarre. You can't sleep on the fucking couch, dude. You can't sleep on your goddamn, you have to go outside and sleep on the fucking couch dude. You can't sleep on your god. Do you have to go outside and sleep on a fucking bucket seat? It burns the house downstairs. You know, she was in there. You didn't want to be tempted. Put in her moon. And now the wedding is over. Right. We cut to the end of that. And he's there, but she's not and she's sad. end of that and he's there, but she's not and she's sad. Oh, and she's reading the Bible while crying.

So bingo, it's about goddamn time. I had to wait for an hour to fill out the card this time. Exactly. So now after she's done crying, she goes to see him at his house, but he doesn't answer the door. He waits on the other side and she's like shouting it and when I was like, oh, he's not there, but then it pans over and he is on the other side of the door. And I was like, I like secretary better.

I'm just saying I liked. I thought James Taylor was good. Oh, that was a good name. Oh, God, this is so fucking weird. Yeah. And she actually says, I don't want normal. I want you. Again, if they were acknowledging

his OCD and shit, that would be okay. That would be this would be a lovely little movie where she decided that she could put up with him having to lock the door 28 times in a row and turn the lights on and off in a certain rhythm. But he's, he won't open the door. And I'm just left wondering what the fuck the conflict in this movie is, especially because like, she's forgiven him. Right. There is not a thing for which he must forgive her, is there? Right. It was just, it was just, he was pissed.

Oh, I guess because she went home with, uh, we went to the hotel with some dude. Okay, yeah, no, that's right. So she go back to college. She's, again, not of this ending, like, this, no, that's right. So she go back to college. Ha ha. Again, none of this ending, like this movie is, it's like trying to clean up your room as the cops are walking in the end of this movie. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Now she's back at college and, um, yeah. And honestly, okay, the other important thing that we established here is that her jar is now full, which is at 2014 prices, maybe a tank and a half a gas. So she can get all the way to the next antique shop, but she's got to figure out if things are going to work out with clay before she does. Right. And so now we get a scene with Antzella

and the dead husband telling Clay that he should go be with the girl. And this scene, I love Antzella and this scene so much because he's just like, I don't know, it's been, she's like, fuck you. Seriously man, fuck you. We're all so tired of shit. We're so, so tired. And it's very clearly supposed to be like a, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,

do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, like a Right moment of the movie, but it's not she's just like fuck you. Yeah, you arrogant jackass you've been whining and bitching about those titty videos you did for five fucking years. Also, I love to like basically her message here is your problems are not interesting or compelling, which is true, but I feel like she needed to say that like before the movie. Right, right exactly. She's basically saying you would make a shitty character romantic comedy. Right. Yeah.

So he goes back home, but Amber's gone and she's left her jar. She took the money out of it. She left the jar along with the thing that he had this no booby grabbing checklist on. Right. Yeah. So, oh, oh, so, what was the thing about Aunt Zella giving him the cross necklace so he can unlock the gate in the high mountain? What the fuck was that? No idea. The aunt gives him a cross necklace and you expect it's so bizarre that you have to expect like, oh, that'll be the weapon he needs to destroy the orc king. Yeah. I wanted it to zoom in like breaking bad.

We're going to realize he poisoned her with a crucifix. Like that would make sense. Spoiler alert. Oh, sorry. So yeah, you should watch that show. It's been a it's been long enough, but you should have watched that show. Yeah, that's true. Um, so okay, so, but she's not, she's not gone.

Is she? She is not gone, is she? She is not gone. She still lives there. Okay, like just, I don't get what's, okay. So she's still there, even though she had the leaving jar thing or whatever, and a horn honks, George is outside that character that's been sort of superfluous in the movie,

and he's gonna be her chauffeur for this big date thing or whatever that Clay has planned. Right. And is this childishly stupid note or whatever like roses or red, violets or blue, I think you like me and I like you to. Yeah. It's yeah. We're worse than that. No, it really is. I accidentally made it rhyme at the end. I meant not to. Yeah, too much poetry experience. Sorry about him. You do his bad job as the movie did. Yeah.

And so like, she goes to a nail salon to get her nails done. Remember, because her old boyfriend broke her wrist for that kind of shit. Right. I wanted to like next she goes to a Kroff McGaw class. Ha, ha, ha, ha. He's waiting there tied to a chair. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

He'd wind me back. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha a chair You'd win me back You would have won me back And also this is where we get the obligatory Christian movie flashbacks to stuff We've seen in this movie that aren't really related to anything else now right yeah, and they're gonna get surprised Mary I just want to say like this was a little hard for me because I wanted a surprise wedding But my father-in-law hates me. So like, I didn't get to do what I resented this part of the moment.

I'm just saying I resented this part of the movie. Yeah. Okay. So now he gets to the, they get to the grocery store. And I also love that like apparently he's set up a big green light because the book was red light yellow light green light. So like the green light means that they can date or whatever. And so they get to the days, but now imagine the horrible disappointment for this woman,

right? So I can just I'm thinking of myself like if I did this for my wife, like I said to show for her to pick her up and I took her to a nail salon to get a manicure and then you know, if somebody gave her flowers and took her to buy fancy clothes and all of this stuff. If I did that for my wife, and then the ultimate destination that I've now had her manicured and dressed up and had her hair done everything to get to was the giant. A grocery store. The AMP.

Yeah. We show up at the fucking Walmart at the end of all of this. My wife would slaughter me rightfully. She would cut me from the balls to the neck. I got to take these shoes off. I can feel it. No. Nope. Oh, you think it in a pedicure is fun. Having a Chinese lady very clearly talk about your feet for an hour and a half.

Fuck you. Yeah. Okay. So now he, she goes into the grocery store and he has as we alluded to in the intro and in the interstitial now spread sand all the way through to make it like a beach because she said beaches was where romantic earlier in the movie. Right. So he has now covered the entire grocery store in a quarter inch of sand. How much sand is that? Somebody do the math on that. Think about how many truckloads of sand needed to be

moved into this grocery store and then back out again. And then back out again before they open some kids shows up to work and he just grabs the broom. This is a bad day. I hate this is a shitty day for me. Also, there's a classical string quartet there that he's brought in, something like 27,000 candles. It's got to be like, they're trying to equal the heat of the sun. And I need to point out as someone who's married to a member of those string quartets that gets into those stupid surprise engagements all the time, they hate you. Just so you know, you're always 10 minutes late

and they fucking hit you. Yeah, they're thinking about everything else. I sometimes get texts from my wife. She's like, this fucking girl. Oh, she's so fat. Jesus, my wife. Yeah, so after spending $8,000 on this proposal or whatever, she walks, she follows the path of beach or whatever. And he's standing in the baby food aisle with a case of bottled

water. Cause remember, he said he wanted to have a case of bottled water to cabin for his honeymoon. Yeah. I wanted him so badly. I'd be like, okay, if you eat all this baby food, I'm married. Start with the peas. Start with the peas. If you can eat these six jars in two minutes. Yeah, right. Or like we start grocery store wars.

All right, if you can find all of these items before I can, you've got one-mash and shall. Also, he's like, he's standing there when she comes across. He's standing there with his Gary Cooper hat, you know, looking all cool. And I'm like, he's been standing there like for an hour and a half like that has. And he's just been like living, statuating that shit going, oh, George brings you soon. You're in running down his leg. Yeah. Well, I mean, there are no cell phones in this movie. So yeah. So right. Also, and this is, you see this constantly in movies, right? If you lit this many candles, the first one would be burned away by the time you lit the last one. Yes. Like if you needed like 31 people to like the candles for your movie, think about that.

Think about that. That we know that you did anyway. Yeah. All right. So he, he pulls out his ring because he's going to propose to her now. And he get, goes to get down on one knee, but she agrees to marry him even before he can order a word. And I just wanted to like turn to the black guy like, this is how this works, bro. This is how if it doesn't go like this, you really need to just like, oh, yeah, I was just kidding with the ring. You know, you know, you know, hey, you can find yourself another love. And then afterwards he stands up and they lean in for the first kiss

and it's literally just a kiss on the cheek. It is because they're only engaged. Yes. Think about this mother fucking movie. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. This movie fucking's day new malls with a kiss on the cheek And kiss on the fuck he gets farther with aunt Zella And then we back away from that kiss on the cheek to see a photograph of that moment that no one was there to take a picture of

And it's sitting in front of the love seed that he got from George that is now marked not for sale for reasons that make no sense and Then it's over and we never have to look at it again. Yeah, so at least there's that like the den you mob this movie was it's over And that was enough for me. Yeah, I took it. All right. So I have my own theory, but I show as not to prejudice you beforehand. What do you think the moral of this story was? A hot water burn baby. I was going with no, no, somebody wants to fuck you seriously.

All right. So obviously neither one of us wants to use the same thumbs we hailed cabs with to rate this fucking movie. So rather than a simple thumbs up thumbs down kind of thing, I want to wrap up by asking you this. I want you to imagine that you're on a plane having a conversation that's even more boring than this movie. What was the opening line of that conversation?

Uh, oh, I have a podcast myself. Maybe, uh, I had the craziest dream list. No. Mm-hmm, sir, you know, you know, sort of I can undo this flap. All right, well, I guess while that does it for our review of old fashioned, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to give you something to take your mind off the impending world war. So Eli, tell us what's on deck divination.

It appears to be no really, you're not crazy. Demons are coming to get you the movie. I have no idea what I watched the preview of this. I have no idea what to make of it. Like it seemed like once or twice, it seemed like, well, that looks like pretty good CGI. And then all the other times, it's like, wow, I think I could do better CGI. And all the acting looks like, you know, like, fucking the becoming level acting when they have the dialogue. So I really have no idea what to expect, except that there are angels and there are demons. And there's a lot of CGI.

So with all that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 84 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free edition of every episode. You can also help us a ton by living as a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows the skating atheist and the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher and Wherever else podcast live.

If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on movies at gmail.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil's Raps on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark. If you'd like to hear more from either of them, check out the links on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us this chunk of your life this week. For Heathen, right, Neely Bosnick, I'm Noel Elysian, it's problems with your work harder than on the truck next week.

Until then, I'll leave you with a breakfast club close. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Trish rappelled against small town America by fucking every podcaster she could get her badge around. Happy ending. Amber discovered that Clay stapled his balls to his thighs every morning because he doubled dipped into hummus once. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017,

all rights reserved. from LLC, Copyright 2017, all rights reserved.