God Awful Movies - 85: GAM085 Divination

Episode Date: April 4, 2017

This week, Eli, Heath, and Noah team up for the greatest achievement in the history of visual medium; Divination. It's the story of internal demonic office politics, as well as one man's obsession with another man's procreation. Plus there's a knife grenade. Yes... a knife grenade. --- Our June show has changed dates! If you'd like to see us live on June 9th at the People's Improv Theater in NYC, you'll find tickets here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-nyc-tickets-33324201584 --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

He tells him that humans are always trying to kill God because God wants someone to be happy, but they just won't. Head over to Sam Harris, ringing up the Acme Dynamite. He's like Eli Tiptoe, up behind God with like ether and a rag. I saw you again. You always make that cartoon. Just redo as many Roadrunner cartoons with God and Sam Harris as you can. God awful. Movie.

Movie. Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be friend Heath and right. Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know how this was the best movie ever. Oh, so good. Can we just do this again for reason, Con? Part one, too. And of course, sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you? This fine afternoon, sir. I just like those furry bracelets from hot topic. Don't listen to anybody. I'm sorry. I'm going to have a number of Eli suffers from clinical depression jokes in this in my notes here. I'm just going to warn you. I had a time. I'm going to have a bunch of Eli suffers from clinical depression jokes on this show. Turn it off. I'm sorry. This is your first episode.

Try another one. So tell us, Heath, why will I be referring to Eli's mental illness so much today? That's because we watched divination. It's the story of the epic struggle between good and evil to gain control of a front yard in the suburb. But it's awesome. It's out. I didn't make it sound awesome, but it is. Money pit with fire sword fights.

It's a car to the car. Really? Love Diane Chambers. So Eli, I don't even know how I should phrase this. Yes, she was. How was this movie? Well, if you love action movies about the politics of angels and demons, but you're worried not enough of them are about the dangers of weegee boards. You this movie. 85% meeting with HR, 15% fire source. Fire source. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and it's all about this guy who likes sees demons and hears voice. So like the inspiration for this movie was very clearly, okay, but what if I'm not schizophrenic, though, what if this

is real? Yeah, followed by what if your tarot cards are the problem you think about that you thought now I should I should let everyone know right up front we don't normally highly recommend the movies we do but if you can handle the so really uh... subtitles and whatnot this movie is available free on youtube and it is quite an amazing thing if you love bad movies. It was best bad. It was really good bad, though.

Speaking of which, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I would. I'm gonna say best worst, circle the character name that doesn't belong. This is fantastic. The good guys are normal names, so it's like Steve and Josh,

and the bad guys are mostly negative emotion names like anxiety and fear. But then there's wormwood. There's another word named wormwood. He never feel a little wormwood. You know, you're just like, I'm so wormwood. I'm having a real wormwood day. I've had absin.

That's fun. Spoiler alert. But that's because wormwood gets stabbed in this movie. That's why you don't know what it's like to real wormwood day. I've had absin. That's fun. Spoiler alert, but that's because wormwood gets stabbed in this movie. That's why you don't know what it's like to feel wormwood up until then everyone did. Some advantages to being in your 40s. I remember back when people felt wormwood. I mean, you know this movie took place in the distant past. Just look at the cell phones.

True. True, those no key is fall and just bounce right back up into your hand and be fantastic. Why is every Christian movie like 20 years behind on cell phone? Why can't one of these movies have a cell phone from the approximate year as many? Yeah, you know, they couldn't have possibly done this CGI when that cell phone was new. No, I feel like the ability to Google, like all the time is not good for Christianity. It's just like sitting around in your apartment and you're like, okay, but how is, oh, it's not. All right, time to trade this in for something that runs on gasoline.

Can I go with best worst pregnancy pressure? Whoa. I would say, you have the very large percentage of this movie's dialogue about pregnancy and whether or not this couple is yet pregnant, all of it is creepy. But 100% of it, he's, I have a Jewish mother. I have a Jewish mother and I was like, well, movie, scale it back a little bit. That's a room. Like basically all the conversation in this movie is either about whether he's taken his wife or, you know, who's in line for the next demon promotion or angel promotion.

Oh, which brings me to my next one. Best, worst divine slash demonic work politics. So much like, hey, I'm still sorry to bother you, but if you're going to go in there and haunt his child, you're going to need to fill out a Q 54 form. I gave those to Angela. Okay, but that's not Angela's department. That's across departmental memo. I don't really know how to keep track. Can you put that on the trellabort? I cannot. All right. Well, it's rare that I'm looking forward to breaking down one of these movies this much. So we're going to pause to savor that feeling for a bit when we come back.

We'll descend into all the underworld antics of divination. So due to Heath's participation and an ongoing certain tour, we decided to pair up with one of our favorite sponsors, Casper mattress for a quick Q&A. Our first question comes from at totally real Twitter that says, Keith going from house to house must be uncomfortable. What are you doing to make the best of it? Okay, great question at Totally Real Twitter. The answer is, I'm bringing my Casper mattress wherever I go.

Design developed and assembled in the USA. Casper is an obsessively engineered mattress at a shockingly fair price that combines supportive memory foams to create an award-winning sleep surface with just the right sink and just the right bounce. With over 20,000 reviews and an average of 4.8 stars, it's quickly becoming the internet's favorite mattress based on Casper Amazon and Google reviews. Okay, but at psychic powers, you as badly asks, but heath, there's no way you can lug a mattress all over the country, right?

Also you have something on your face. Oh, thanks. Wow. Actually, the Casper is delivered in a a small how'd they do that size box and with free shipping to the US and Canada It was a breeze to get and just as easy to take on my tour. All right. Well at convinced listeners says I'm convinced How do I get a Casper of my very own very glad to hear it at convinced listener you can try Casper for a hundred nights risk-free in your own home. And if you don't love it, they'll pick it up and give you a full refund.

But that's not all. Get $50 toward any mattress purchase by visiting www.casper.com slash God awful and using the code God awful. Terms and conditions apply. And the helpful skeptics says that at episode 22, you mispronounced thoroughly. I hate you. Casper mattress. Crankiness will see you now. Oh, thanks. Cool. Lack of motivation, right? Yeah. Yeah. That's me. Nice to meet you, Mr. Crankiness. Oh, please, please call me crankiness. Mr. Crankiness, that's my father, right?

This is vague feeling that you lost something. Hi, how's it going? You can call me vague. Wow, great. Yeah, wonderful to meet you. Yeah, welcome to team demon. All right, so you already met unsureness of whether this person is just friendly

or flirting while you were in the hall waiting. Yeah, great worker. You guys will be working together quite a bit in hell. of whether this person is just friendly or flirting while you were in the hall waiting. Yeah. Uh-huh. Great worker. You guys will be working together quite a bit in hell. Yeah. Great. Very excited to get started. Right.

Okay. So, uh, you've got your lead sheet already. That's all done through a pretty simple system, but you can speak to that feeling that your phone is about to freeze because it's all of a sudden warning really slowly. If you have any questions about that. Okay. Uh, yeah. So, I'm mostly any questions about that. Okay. Uh, yes. So I'm mostly in college dorms.

Is that right? Yeah. We got in a few high schools as well. You're going to be shadowing lack of sexual confidence in your first six months, but pending a good quarterly review, you will be working solo and directly under fear. Wow. Fear. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. It was a rock star. Great. Well, uh, thanks. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Dude's a rock star. Great. Well, thanks so much. Um, it's one of the things, sorry, um, where's the bathroom? Oh, uh, uh, straight down this hall, it's next to far that you're not sure wasn't diarrhea's desk. Oh, yeah, make sense.

Sure. Sure. Actually, that's Period Sneez's desk now. Oh, right. Right. She's nice. Hey folks, quick announcement. Due to a confusion with the venue, our upcoming live show in New York will now be on Saturday, June 10th at 9.30 p.m. We're still going to be doing the VIP tickets and the platinum

night on the ninth. But if you can't make the show on the 17th, you're in luck because it's not going to be on the 17th now. But don't wait because this is a smaller venue, take us a far more limited and we will sell out quickly and we explain why we had to change the venue. I offer you Eli Bosnick Eli. Why don't you tell the fine folks what happened? I told the lady March instead of June. And then what happened? And then nobody showed up and she yelled at me on the phone. Fantastic. Well, now that Eli is officially a human slave to an artistic director in Midtown, we need to earn back his freedom. You can help us buy it back by grabbing tickets to our

live show. The people's improv theater on Saturday, June 10th at 930. She was not happy. Now you have to be your butler. Oh, man. And we're back for the breakdown. And right away we see that bridge stone logo and we know we're in for a treat from the people who brought you. What would Jesus do? It's the, yeah.

We've done a couple, I couldn't find a list, but we've done quite a few for bridge stone and they've all been amazing. Right. And the opening credits here, I think they find a list, but we've done quite a few from Bridgestone and they've all been amazing. Right. And the opening credits here, I think they were going for put this on a t-shirt for your shitty band. We're all 18 seconds in before I'm going, well, that's a little much. I guess you could say like ancient sketches, paintings and divination, the movie available

on YouTube are all on the same artistic level. I didn't enjoy the music during the beginning. How could you not? First, it was basically like the Mad Max is fucking the heavy metal guitar guy in the like sex swing on the front of that truck. And then they switch it, they switch it up. And then it's like Mozart and Salieri are fucking in a sex way. And finally, that max. Yeah. Yeah. And now that we've rooted out all the epileptics, we can get the movie started. And we're going to start off with this weird bet. You have

to pee black and white dad and kid flashback scene. Right. And they're on a boat in a lake and very clearly about to get attacked by smiegel. That's what it looked like. Yeah. And also their mute, but they don't realize it because they're they seem to I just I wanted like the conversation to be in subtitles. And they just be like, Hey, I feel like we're in a mute flashback or something. Why are we black and white? So weird. Do you think I'll be able to remember what we said? Probably not so. No. Probably not.

No. We are not in boating clothes. True that. So yeah, so we cut from that to too very clearly not attractive enough for movies humans. Woof! Our main character. Man. movies humans. Woo. Our main character, man. He is a fucking moldy sock puppet that was cursed to life.

He looks like he's going to sell me organic fair trade GMO free weed. Right. Basically picture a tube sock with neck beard and you've got this guy figured out. Yeah. You remember Pete Campbell from Mad Men? He's like half that guy, half guitar guy at the out. Yeah. You remember Pete Campbell from Madman? He's like half that guy, half guitar guy at the party. Yeah. And he's drawing when his wife comes into remind him that it's time for the big dinner party that will end in the middle of the afternoon.

So big lunch party, I guess. And immediately when his friends show up, the conversation turns to whether or not he and his wife are going to have children. If it actually, it starts like halfway or like almost all the way through a joke that was supposed to be super funny, but they couldn't write. So they just give you like the punch. I wanted like a rap battle entourage to pop up out of nowhere and just go crazy after he tells us like lame and super hot fire. Also, I just want to point out Asian wife is in this scene. She only has like three lines in the movie, but she looks like she

bought the wrong size face for her head and was too embarrassed to go back to the store and be like, I need, I need two sizes bigger. Sorry. Photoshop me better. I'm wrong. So yes, so we learned two things from this scene. First is that all of their friends are obsessed over their virility. And the second is that D is coming back into town. And D is a wizard Tee he they they they subtly set up that because they're like, oh, it'll just be magical. The CD again. T. Cause she's a wizard. I can't wait to wege her. Oh, Terro, you didn't. And also, I love this scene too, because like they cut over to like, uh, Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason.

Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason.

Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason.

Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. Yeah. This is what like an English teacher tries to like reach these kids with is like he sees the troubled like I'm going to get inducted into the mighty ducks any minute kid in the back. Wow, Kyler. These are really great. Seems like you're really pouring your whole heart of how hard it is to be upper middle

class and white into these things. It was looking exactly like my notebooks. So yeah, yeah, no, you fit that spot on. I'm depressed now. Is your friends poetry if they became drugs? That graphic novel your friends been working on. I love to that he's like, you know, wow, Jason, these are amazing. What's this one? And it's very clearly a tree. Well, you're, you're Jason, these are amazing. What's this one? And it's very clearly a tree. Well, you're, you're kind of like ruining the whole. It's amazing. Like we'll put these right on the fridge. Wow. And now they're mid afternoon dinner party is over. Right.

Thanks for coming over for breakfast. What time is it? What's up? Are they, I just finishing like a weirdly calm Coke party from the night. What makes no sense? Yeah, no, it's very clearly like one 30 p.m. from the position of the song. Yeah, Coke party from the night. Yeah, exactly. So they all leave and his wife demands that he immediately put a child in her But he has to be the stay at home mom if this is gonna work is there deal and he's got to get permission from his boss his boss at the Drawing with charcoal factory. Yeah, the doodle factory

Yeah, he works in a big firm for pencil sketching Yep, yeah, yeah. We'll scratch our heads over that one often in this movie. But then we have two disturbing scenes in a row here. One is her kissing his midnaval neckbeard. That was pretty gross. Growth. And then the other was this nightmare sequence where like his

wife's backing out of the driveway and suddenly a car semi comes up and hits her from the side going 90 miles and just like in this small resident like it's not a scary pop scare because it might as well have been a 747 just crashing to the top of her car for how realistic it is. It's like a nightmare about Ed McMahon slicing your wife in half with a check for a million dollars. Yeah, but this is just one of those moments where they're like, no, no, no, no, we have CGI. We trust us on this. So and then we're off to a blonde lady in a kitchen listening to Eli's inner monologue. Yeah, the voices in my head

Apparently the voices in your head are a bald eyebrows demon That looks kind of fetal I had him as powder heath hurtful He does look like a fetus demon and not like me. That's a person. It kind of looks like somebody grew a leukemia with stem cells. Whatever that would mean. Oh, yeah, he does.

It's a person. Yeah. And he's so close to this lady, this blonde lady. Like he has to be inside one of her holes to be this close to his heart. Very, very, very uncomfortable. So, yeah, so he's telling her that she'll never amount to anything and everyone hates her and no one will ever love her. And she's supposed to like represent those, you know, voices of doubt in your head, but

then he starts to walk away. Any scratches the wall. Why? It's like, what a weird signature move when you're leaving. Like this is my thing. I scratched the sheet rock. Right. Like when my cats pissed off that I've locked him out of the office, he reacts in the exact same way as a demon from hell.

Okay. He's also, he's dressed like Voldemort, like spend a little time selling used cars before he went for the whole evil wizard thing. Just like now this one's a beauty, you know, practical. I'm not going to lie to you. I need to a little work, but we have a service station right here. Chrusio. And then, uh, uh, wormwood shows up. This is the case.

Yeah. This, yeah, right. Exactly. And everyone else, like you said, is fear, anxiety, distress, so doubt. Yeah, exactly. But he is warm. What also different about him, nobody else is made of birds. Yes, the awesome bird powers. Yeah, just his first day as a demon. Oh, that's, can I fly well? You can fly technically. Cool bat wings like divination. Oh, no, you do get wings quite a few wings. You're going to love this. So yeah. So, but what we're learning here is that fear can't get in the house, but he's got control of the husband's mind But if he pisses off wormwood then he'll have to put in applications at the hell waffle house tomorrow Yeah, and he literally says just let me in the house

I can penetrate and I wrote the libos Actually, you misspelled that I had to correct it and put the K in there. P E T T. Tentric rate. No, actually I meant Eli Bosnick. Sometimes that too. It's tricky. This is where we get the first little bit of office politics that's going to be a running

theme like we're talking about before. So Michael rapboard's fetus is apparently getting promoted or something. And they have in this like weird argument where they need an HR rep to be the problem. Toby Flenderson with horns should appear on the guy's phone. Just like talking about whatever in most of this movie, like all the problems could be solved if there was an HR rep somewhere in the vicinity or if at least somebody had the number. Look, we could combine Midget Muslim, Hellbound Kangaroo and HR Hell rep into a heck of a movie. I'm just saying people patreon.com.

Yeah. So now we cut to a park where Jason and his buddy are playing chess and basically the opening line of this conversation is, is your penis making babies? Oh, and the chest pieces could not be less related to possible moves in chest. There's a fucking sorry on there. They got one of the pieces from grape escape. Thank you for everyone who tweeted in support, by the way, that's a real thing. They just got all sorts of different board game pieces on there.

None of them in the correct positions. Yeah, pretty sure you don't know. I'm put like all the pieces from both colors meeting in the middle like Braveheart. Like a John DeGaim. That has never happened in the game of chess. I don't know if this was a good one. No, it just wrote chess doesn't go this fast unless you're stupid. Yeah.

And I guess like the point of this scene, if we can very loosely define point, is that we have to learn that he's afraid to have kids, but we don't know why. Right. And his buddy clearly wants them to have kids so their dreams can be equally crushed together and he's kind of pissed about it. Yeah. Yeah, he won't be happy until no one has hope.

And now we cut to I would say, and this is a tough competition, but I would say the most useless scene in this movie where the impatient guy who had fewer scripted lines than he needed to come in to see Mr. Phillips. Okay, so I'm going to save everyone some time here. Tom Green having to take a terrible taco shit is actually anxiety. And he has been sent to do reconnaissance, but because he's anxiety, his version of this is, I want to see you guy. Oh, you need an appointment. Fuck, shut your baby up. You've nearly started yelling at a baby. Oh, it's so bad for the baby to just like stare right at him and turn up a stereo slowly. And again, in no as defense, it's not always a terrible idea to yell at a baby like there's

lots of good. We're not an anti yelling at other people's baby show. Oh shit. Okay, I never figured out what the fuck was going on in this scene. So I appreciate you cluing me in that this was supposed to be anxiety. Oh, it does not matter. No, it really fucking doesn't. It's not like that, that like, and nothing falls into place except why they had this

scene. Anyway, so then we cut back to their house where Jason the tube sock husband is scared about calling his boss and asking if he could work from home. But gives him some that good man up advice. He's going to call him on his phone from 1991 to match his weird family expectations. Buyers up the phone ringing. And then so she gets home from work. Also at 2 PM everything happens at 2 PM in this fucking world. And he's got a picnic on the porch for her, except for not really, because he just made peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

It's fucked that guy. That's lazy. And there's supposed to be some like back and forth here. He's like, I mean, you're the wife aren't you supposed to do the cooking and the cleaning and the dishes and He's like, I mean, you're the wife, aren't you supposed to do the cooking and the cleaning and the dishes? And she's like, I mean, I know, but like you, you do the dishes and our scene is over. And then the movie announces my inner dialogue. Yeah. Because the house is being watched by two other demons we never learned their names. I assume it's like, I have a boner in public and I'm going to have to poop later and this is a long subway ride.

Like they're watching the house and they announce, oh, this is fucking boring. Right. They're watching people. Yeah. Yeah. This is also where a very large swarm of bees lands on a mic and they keep it. Yeah, they were scared to move everybody got attacked by bees like half a second after they cut the season. Like I figured like a few scenes later, we would just get like everyone's facing enormously

swollen for a while. That would explain some of the CGI later. Also, Pugdressed has Vincent Vega, who is one of these demons apparently. Yeah. Yeah, and they're chatting about demonic corporate bureaucracy just so that I'd have to spell bureaucracy, correct. Fuck them for that. And then we go back to the husband and wife and he's like, oh, I call my boss.

He said, it's okay for me to do my pencil drawings from home. And she says, okay, we shall now fuck one another. And the two demons who are on stake out are like, oh, pervy demons is going to definitely want to see this one. Right. We should call I like to watch see if he can be a part of this. Yeah, exactly. So yeah, make him tell us how low that neck beard goes.

And so they call pervy demon and pervy demon climbs over to the window to watch the two of them fuck. But just then an angel force pushes the fuck out of him. Yep. And then cuts his face off. His front part like. How would they know that we watched Phantom Menace last week? his face off. This is part of it. How would they know that we watched Phantom Menace last week? Very impressive.

Oh my God. It was up until now you had no fucking idea, right? But then you get this, the face of the demon gets sliced off with an angel sword and then the angel, like Iron Man crash lands onto the demon car. Oh, it's so good. A cartoon anvil with angel wings lands on this car. It's just flat and then it like, like a feather. It's so stupid. This is the first and not the last time I wrote. Okay, I think I may love this movie. Yeah, because when I first started watching this movie, I was like, all right, bad CGI, like, and the base, they blew the entire budget on that bird guy. And it's just

going to be a bunch of people like pretending to go like me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me And then paid as little as possible for the rest of it. It is. It gets better. It just keeps getting better. What's amazing is they did have enough budget to do the crow thing well. And that's it.

Right. But instead, they filled 14 minutes of the movie with that budget. And yeah, it's so worth it. All right. So late that night, Jason's getting a drink when the front door creaks and it's open in the middle of the night. And demon is trying to kill his wife. The skeleton from Vultures of Horror is trying to kill his wife.

Again, just to clarify, we went from like Iron Man, relatively good looking car smash to, you you know Google paint That a thing so yeah, yeah, but like and this is not the first the last time They're stealing a scene from Star Wars episode two here for some reason Where he's just like in my dreams I cannot protect you and we Set through that for a second before he has his next dad flashback. Right. And I wanted his wife so badly to be like, honey, I know you can't control your dreams, but you can shave closer, right? It's just it meets down at his

pubes. It looks like a snitch. Some people like that look, whatever. All right. So now it's time to get a little more clarification on that car smashing face chopping angel. So was that not cleared everybody? Yeah. It's clarified. Good call. Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. So then we get an angel dressed as a Mormon missionary, Ironman landing on their lawn. Oh, I had him as Michael Bolton dressed for a vacation in Sandals, Jamaica. And it was Josh Brolin dressed like he gives happy ending massages. Yeah. So yeah, Sandals employees. Right. Well, exactly, exactly.

You don't have to tip them, by the way. That's amazing. So yeah, and the angel needs to find, so that we've got two angels here. One is the middle manager angel and the other is the regional supervisor. I don't who the fuck knows, but the boss angel is trying to tell Joshua the angel that's guarding the house that, you know, he's not doing a very good job. And he needs to make sure that, like no more demons come sneaking around and watching them fuck.

Right. It's like 50% office politics, 50% like I'm too old for this shit cop movie, like you blew your last case. Right. And this is going to really affect your quarterly performance review and, you know, that's directly affected by your salary and your 401k. I mean, did you sign up for that new program? And he's like, no, I, you know, I feel like it's not really going to, well, you know, that's directly affected by your salary and your 401k. I mean, did you sign up for that new program and he's like, no, I, you know, I feel like it's not really going to

do. Well, you know, I think it's a good, I think the weirdest combination of factors so much time spent talking about politics. Also, so while the angels are out there on the lawn talking, Jason, the main character is inside in the closet, taking out his sad newspaper clippings about dad folder out of its sad newspaper clippings about dad hiding place. We get to watch him try to do sad when he looks at the newspaper clippings. Yeah. That's fun. But while he's trying to do that, his wife and her friends show up from all their shopping. Women be shopping. And this is where we meet her friend, the wife's friend, Delilah Settle.

Yeah, but you can call her D. The nation. Not yet, but yes. And of course she wants to know when his penis is going to make child in her uterus as well, because that's all the conversations that the humans have in this movie. All the angels and demons talk of office politics. All the humans talk about this guy's dick and it's fertility. But also this is where let's she's like, oh, look, it's your old tarot cards. You know, that's probably, it's your old tarot cards. You know, that's probably what's causing all the problems right there.

She's going to be a good guy or a bad guy. I can't just just have a label on her shirt. So it's not 100%. I didn't realize what those were until I looked at Noah's notes. She was just like, oh, those old things. And I was like playing cards, goasters. Goasters. Why? I cheat and look at Noah's notes.

Yeah. But luckily Noah was into woo for 10 or 11 years of his life and didn't learn any real shit when he could have been gaining knowledge. Anyway, yeah. So moving on to the next scene quick before I. But look how it all played out. Yeah, there you go, Eli. And now I feel good about those 11 years. So now it's another afternoon. And Jason and his wife are chilling together. She's knitting because she's a lady

and they're talking about their first fight ever. She's like, you remember what our first fight was about? And I wanted him so badly to be like, yeah, you sucked my brother's dick and she was like, no, not that one. Before that one. The statue. The pen dolphin. Wasn't clear who should go first. It's not always, you know, no.

You guys were both whatever. Yeah, but it turns out it was about a bird in Zelda. Don't you dare. Don't you dare. No, you delete that from this episode. She doesn't listen to this show. Rachel does though. We discovered their Rachel listens to this show. All of you, all of you, keep it a secret. Please, please.

All right, we actually will. No, it's fine. Show. Okay. All right. No, it's fine. Show. Okay. All right. No, but their fight was she wanted to get this tacky ass, 91 year old lady angel statue to put in their living room. Now, she should have been a red flag.

I would not have, you can say, like if my wife came home with this now, I'd be like, okay, but it has to be buried. Exactly. And I actually had a real moment with this because my high school girlfriend was exactly into these, these angel statues. They're called Pindolphin's, by the way. And like this was all she ever wanted for like birthdays and Christmas and stuff. So I had like a weird non-flashback when she was like an angel statue. I was like, no, get out of here, store at the mall, fund memories

whenever it is. Yeah, but they, but so their fight was about whether they needed the angel and he told her that they didn't need it because she was his angel. Oh, I wrote, did you steal that from a high school kids note? Right. A lot of this movie script was stolen from high school kids. But well, his, his notes and also the drawings in between them. So meanwhile, back with fear, he's still trying to talk this blunt chick into killing herself. And then a bird flies to the window. It's wormwood as it turns out.

And they he's so frustrated with wormwood every time wormwood shows up in this movie this time. He's like, dude, come on. Like I'm clearly about to rape this lady in her bed and you keep flying up to the window. So then wormwood teleports him outside, but like six, eight feet above the ground. So the false. I love that part.

Just do just tell the bore me all the way to the ground. Whatever. It'll be a deck. You don't have to be a deck. Oh, oh, no, I knocked the window. I was up. I'm telling we're going to have another meeting with Toby. This happens

every time. Our situation is all. Let's talk about teleportation. Now, you're saying it was an accident. I'm telling we're going to have another meeting with Toby. This happens every time. All right. Let's talk about teleportation. Now you're saying it was an accident. Do you believe him when he says that fear? Your name's not even an emotion. I still have the past. So some other afternoon at 2 p.m. they're all chilling with D, the wife and the husband are chilling with D. And they, there are a couple of moments in this movie where they try to do this, like where we capture people mid conversation. And the conversation is just

supposed to be, you know, whatever, banal conversation, but it's either so banal at just, might, they might as well just be repeating the word banal or it's bizarre as fuck and really needs more explanation. This is an example of the latter. Yeah, because this is where they're like like small, talky, fun, ha ha, joky talking about the fact that she stole her husband from her sister. Yeah. Yeah.

And she's like, well, we're all better off now except my sister who killed herself, but we're all, you know, yeah, thanks. We're not allowed to go to Thanksgiving with the fam, but, you know, that's, yeah. And, and, and but this is where like she turns to him and goes, all witchy for another one of these fucking pointless jump scares. This movie loves so much. Yeah. she's, she's like, we stop at nothing to get what we want. And there's sort of like holding hands and then he looks and she has eyes on her palms. And I just want to say I could work with that. Like I've had worse revealed. What other body parts can she move to her hands? Do you want a hand job? Now I don't know. I left hand. It's my birthday. No. I know.

So, so he freaks out and knocks himself unconscious. And then the second, later, he's waking up. First, we have to see him in his dream with blood on his fingers. That don't matter. And then he wakes up and we're not, we don't acknowledge that anything happens ever. No, he fell in his head and Delilah, who's on the phone with I assume 911 is like never mind 911. He's being a real drama queen. Anyways, thanks for the lunch in the head injury. Yeah, yeah, it's 2 p.m. I have him placed to go. So and then there's more, let's fuck scene there. This is where she starts climbing on his lap and making out with him and be like very

clearly like fulfilling his rider. Put your sperm in my belly. It's almost exactly the line I think. Pretty much. Yeah. I believe it's give me a sodden. And then it turns all demonet turns out. This was another dream. Yeah. That's the third fucking dream in a row for those

keeping count the third. Yeah. Well, and then the whatever the fucking hit in his head thing was too. So like almost the fourth, but he's tired all these bad dreams. So are we? So he's going to make the call. Yeah. No, he calls his friend, the one who's like, are you pregnant yet? And he's like, Hey, man, do you have that number of that bad dream specialist? I think I'm ready to pull the trigger on that. Yeah. Seems like the kind of thing you'd have talked about, but not pulled the trigger on before. And I love this part too, because like this is where he's having the conversation with his buddy. And you can see in his buddy's house, there's kids everywhere

because his buddy has all kinds of kids. And the daughter's like, Dad, can I watch pay per view? And I just wrote my notes. Oh, his daughter would like to watch porn, please. But it turns out that was right. The daughter did go watch porn. And she ordered it with it like five seconds. She's like, never watched that quickly. Perfect. I didn't even have time to choose a movie. Yeah, but, um, you know, but, but it didn't erase. So he gives him the doctor information and then he's like, Hey, you know, I just want you to know Jason, if you want to talk, I'm here. Yeah. I mean, if you want to talk about your virility, um, but other than that, other than that, pay someone to talk to you.

What else? What points your daughter watching? Just don't, just curious. I mean, like, whatever you saw, you saw that man. Look at my wife, take a guess. Yes. I'm just closing a window. And so now the angel Daniel shows up and apparently he's dressed to work at the same pirate

themed bar as everyone else. And again, he's the rookie angel and Josh was the grizzled veteran. It's about to retire. That's about to retire no less. Who's getting too old for this shit? Yeah. It's about to retire. That's about to retire. No less. Who's getting too old for this shit? Yeah. It's a buddy angel movie. Oh, and the way that he, by the way, establishes how cool Joshua is, he goes, Hey, man, you killed 300,000 Syrians in one night. And he goes, well, they were sleeping and we're supposed to be like, but no, that's, it's not okay.

You're not supposed to kill 300,000 people in their sleep. I want you to, uh, to turn to the White House and say that one more time. Just a little bit louder. Cause yeah, right, right. He's like, wow, you slew all of those assyrians while they were sleeping with your angelic demon sort. So I guess it's not really that impressive, but, hey, gross though, I guess. Okay. Uh, just just question. So their job, these angels, their job is to just sit in yards. Is that what that's what this movie is saying angels do?

Well, these are these are low level angels. You can get promoted from yard sitting. If you don't fuck up the way that we'll learn that Josh will fuck then you sit on sitting. If you don't fuck up the way that we'll learn that Josh will fuck then you sit on porches. Yeah, exactly. You advance to like, well eventually you get a lawn chair. Right. They're sitting in the grass. They are taking dandelions, putting them out. So weird. No, but that's sort of the reason. 7,500 people per hour in an eight hour night of sleep. You know what I'm saying? Like, I hate, because he's like, ah, ah, ah, like you were running from hell and taking,

ah, ah, ah, you like, you line the bed, you hope a kid's in bunk beds, because then you can just go straight to, it seems difficult to, I wanna see that scene. He's, he's, no, I mean, well your arms would certainly be sore. I will give him that stops for a gatorade. Oh, they got that God for that hospital right here. Everyone was lined up. I just sort of ran down the. Jesus. So now like Jason is leaving to go to his dad's

grave and Daniel the rookie angel has to follow him. So he go to his dad's grave and Daniel the rookie angel has to follow him. So he goes to his dad's grave and he talks to his dad dad about how he's going to have a kid now. And he says, like, I hope I don't give my kid what you gave me. And that's going to turn out to be mental illness, but I assume dick in the ass. Yep. It wasn't taking it.

And this is this movie is just one after the other revel a disappointment and realizations that it was not a dick in the ass and he gives him a piece of paper He's like here. I want you to have this What it like he says I'm renouncing this and leaving it where it belongs and this is a piece of paper That did it say my mind on it. I think it did I couldn't't, I couldn't say it from the user now from Tejika Stan it wasn't clear. Yeah, he's pronouncing his mind. I got it. Well, yeah, who the fuck?

Why would you do it? That's such a weird thing. That makes no sense. Does that make sense? I couldn't make sense of it. Yeah. Whatever, who the fuck knows? But and also like it's just, it's you and a dead guy, you really wrote this down on a

piece of paper to do this whole thing to a dead guy. I give you a fucking break. So like he stopped at a stationary store. Yeah. You know what? I'm going to need to write down my mind because otherwise that does won't, but I have to renounce it like he won't know unless I say I'm around. I can't hand him my face.

So I have to write it. And then we get the best unintentional comedy of the movie because we're supposed to realize he can see angels and demons. And we are taught this by him looking up and seeing the angel Daniel and they're like, Hey, man, what's up? And he's like, you can see me? He's like, yeah, yeah, I can see you. And he's like, Oh, nothing. And that's the end. No, I'm see you and he's like, oh, nothing and that's the end of the conversation. No, I'm just standing in this graveyard dressing a pirate staring at you.

Can I help you? No, I was just staring. Cut, cut, somebody cut. Can I help you? Come. So, right, but Daniel's all freaked out. So he's got to go back to Joshua and report these odd findings that the guy could see him and Joshua ain't buying that CNN. Shit. He goes, no, you must have been sitting on a cat or something.

Is that what he said? What does that mean? If you sit on a cat, you can see ghosts. And you just try to get around you. No, no. Look at my butt hole. I got a ghost on my back. Whoa, whoa, whoa, left, left. But see what I think he's going for here is that, oh, like the guy must have been looking at a cat that you are sitting on or something like that.

But it's like that, like you would feel like Daniel would say, okay, then the man asked a cat if it could help him. So one way or the other or something's fucked up about this dude. Can I help you? Mal. And now we go, okay. So now we cut to slow motion, cutting it out of the door with a pregnancy test scene where she's waving around the piss stick,

like it's a pom-pom. And then they hug each other and she's still waving around the piss stick. It's all over him. There's no way, like, she could get a job at the White House doing this. Yes. Not attractive.

Wait, no, it's just over and over again. She just pissed on that. It's warm with piss. Anyway, yeah. And then the angels are outside very happy before I wanted to be smoking cigars. They weren't. But the angels are wondering what it must be like to get laid and have kids. Yeah, they're doing like buddy, buddy, stakeout conversation. And the dialogue is so clumsy. He's like, you ever wonder what it's like to be a dad to love like that? We're friends. Yeah. Yeah. Not really what I was going for.

And I don't know if I'm going to say Frank. I don't like a title like that. I don't know. Are we ready to use friends? Is that a... Yes, to me. It's fine. We met.

I love spending time with you. Let's talk to Toby about this. I think we should just say co-workers. And of course, this is where Daniel realizes that like, you know, he's had enough and he needs, Josh was back story now, damn it. Now. So it, and it turns out that what Joshua did so wrong, the reason he's still on lawn sitting, dude, and hasn't even been promoted to a, like a hammock yet, is that he got lazy and let divination into a house one time. Yes. Again, just when you think this movie can't get better, you realize that the main villain of this movie is going to be Ouija boards. Ouija boards. Yes. Also, incredible. More is talking about how like divination is a gateway drug to all the other

synths. Yeah. And it's just an example of him delivering the lines wrong. But he's like, I mean, if you were going to poison somebody, what would you do in the guy's like, box the chocolate box. I put it in. I put it in. I've thought a lot about this. I have a Whitman sampler right here. I've thought a lot about this. I have a Whitman sampler right here. You had, did you have that? Yeah. Yeah, don't eat it. It's poisoned.

Or do. But yeah, no, but that's, that's the key here is that like he's like, no, divination is because, because we G boards and tarot cards really do tell you the future. And that's how they tempt you away with their safety. So this is wrong to the second power. Yeah. But he also has to establish here that if he ever meets divination again, he is going to whip that ass. It's right. And during this whole little exchange between the two of they keep cutting to the angel's face who's not talking like exclusively, but not reactions.

Yeah, right. Right. Blank faces. So like, they fucked up every single line. Is that what happened? I must have been 80 or with real actors. So okay, we're getting to the greatest scene in the history of sin. Let's be honest.

Let's be honest here. We're almost there. I had to play this one for my wife I could not do this one justice today So it's about 33 minutes into the movie if you want to skip directly to this So we start off with our hero out jogging this actress clearly never jogged before. Yeah, he's doing his impersonation of heat catching a train I caught it. He did that blisters. So but he's seeing demons and stuff while he's out running.

And that's important. And then they cut back to the angels who are just sitting around in his house. And Daniel is quite obsessed over their pen dolphin angel statue. I mean, he's like, I don't wear a dresser, carry a heart. Fuck this thing. I'm bad ass. I don't look like a statue. I look like a guy who mistook a board game night for an orgy. So and then, but this is where it's like Jason runs and pretty sure that like the demons are coming after him. And they are like it's not this movie isn't just he's fucking crazy. The demons are coming after him. So he goes and gets his trusty anti demonic baseball bat.

Mm hmm. Just in case he needs to baseball bat some demons. And now it's time for an angel demon fight. Oh, my I was so not ready for this. All it required was for them to scream karate. Like it would have been the perfect thing. Or maybe like a kaira that said, Biff, you know, or something like that, that would have been good. So much of this scene is hard to see because it is shot through fire.

Let me say that again, the whole scene takes place through fire. Yes, or a fire effect. Yeah. Yeah. We watch a bunch of kids play swords in after effects for like six fucking minutes. A bunch of kids who all took mushrooms. And right, yes, from their eyes. Yeah. all took mushrooms. And right, right. Yes. From their eyes. Yeah. Well, and they have fire swords that come out of their hand. You put your hand out like you're asking for money and then you reach in and pull out a fire sword and, and Joshua has a knife grenade. And then you explode. It's fucking great. It's really. You gotta watch the movie people. It's real good. This, this is one

that you, if you love bad movies, this is definitely one you should watch. So yeah. So they kicked the fuck out of a gay, you know, first Daniel has to kill a few demons and he's like, are you impressed? And he goes, not yet. I'm not. And then there's more demons where they have to fight those demons. And then Joshua notices a baby carriage in the yard. Yes. And he has to fight. He says, today, and he's like, you watch things here. I'm going to fly over to like six and a half feet away where we can very clearly see this baby carriages.

Right. So, so Daniel has to then just like fight the rest of them by himself for a minute. And there's so many. I really wanted it to like turn into like a kid's thing. Like Daniel calls time out or like interference. Out of bounds, like we said, no going in the neighbors, you're going around. We said from, we said from the tree to the garbage can and you guys are, we said tree garbage can.

But while he's doing that, fear, this is all turns out, this was all a distraction so that fear could sneak in the house to whisper to the wife about how, oh, is your husband going insane? Are you afraid of him going insane? So that's the whole point. But we're not done with that awesome fight scene yet because we still haven't met demon, baby. I love demon, baby. I love demon, baby. So I love demon, baby. More than you love demon, baby. I want him to fight demon, baby. I love demon, baby. So my I love demon, baby. More than you love demon, baby. I want him to fight demon, baby. When he pulled it back and demon, baby, was there? I really want him to be like, all right.

I'm just like a slow motion fist against baby cheek. Yeah. So this is where the movie went pro abortion. And this is another one. Okay, so like at this point, he's not not the only time. They'll be another one. No, you're right. Yeah, exactly. So he rises up here and he sucks all the angel powers into him all at once. And he just says, burn and everybody catches on fire. Like, why didn't you do that earlier? This feels like another force push thing. I used to learn spell.

Just use your force push. Whatever your best thing is, just deep bad guys with it. Right away. First thing, just right away, force push, angel burst, just shoot James Bond right now. Just shoot it. Shoot it right in the head with a gun. You have a gun. Rachel slurs, whatever you want to just go start at the highest level.

So abuse by Eli's last. That's the last super power. He's not supposed to reveal that on the air. We have it on the whiteboard. Oh, Meanwhile, Daniel's still playing swords and just before demon 11 can get the drop on him. Joshua shows up to save the day. Yeah. And then he's like, all right, I'm going to go check out the house. You clean this up. And Daniel's just stuck there like, oh, fuck it. Get a load all of these guys into it. I really wanted the minutiae of that.

We're like, guys, like sorry, that angel six by two. I need only five by seven. Come on, man. Can't you do me? You know the rules. All right. Who do I call for six might do? That's over in dick switches. You have to shrink wrap that. You have to call special. It's on next Tuesday. What color and bag are demon babies? You have to bring it into your garage. It doesn't matter. Until then, it has to go in your garage. You can't put it out on the street this long. You know, the demon people are just going to go buy this residential area. So scrub that side was a lot of blood.

You didn't get it all. Even blood there. You have to break it down. It's like cardboard. You have to fold them up. You have to fold them. So Joshua heads inside and this is where he catches fear flirting with the wife and uh oh, she's welcomed fear in.

So now Joshua has no power in there. Yeah. And his response is like, nobody likes you fear. And he's like, eh, what are you going to do? And then he tosses him out of the house. He tells him that humans are always trying to kill God because God wants them to be happy, but they, they just won't. They refuse to be happy, but they, they just won't. They refuse to be happy.

Pen over to Sam Harris, ringing up the Acme dynamite. He's like Eli tiptoeing up behind God with like ether and a rag. I'm not sure I know God. Make no noise. Oh, that omniscience. You're not quite as you think. Angelou, make that cartoon? Just redo as many roadrunner cartoons with God and Sam Harris.

That is a worthy we throw around Patreon goal a lot like it's a joke. That's a worthy Patreon goal right there. I do believe. Okay. So now it's time for Jason to go with to the dream shrink also some ether free life. Just saying one of the things. That's it. Raising con. And I love they open up the light. The whole thing with the shrink with him going like I've never seen one of you people. I'm like that would have been awkward if they cast a black dude. I would have liked an angry white rant there. That would have been what do you mean by you people? We're both white. Still W plus O equals O. I don't know what that means.

Sure, you don't. Okay. My wedding ring is from sales and he's taking over that name. I see how it is. My 88 tattoo. It's just I like that hockey player. There's some else. Whatever. May show in Mankins. Um, yeah. So I Kyle Gretzky. You got to do super white things. Close, do a hockey play and close to his number. He's 99. There's Wayne, but you're close.

So, so he's talking to the shrink. He sells doughnuts now. And he says, stand the key to it. He's really good. So, so he's talking to the shrink and he says, well, you know, what seems to be probably he's like, well, you know, I see demons while I'm awake, walking around in the psychiatrists. Like, here's all the drugs. You take a pic, whichever color you like best.

Yeah, just mix them around in there. Let's see if we get rid of those demons. No, his actual answer is, sorry, you bought a 15 minute session. And then you're at least 60 session and the current really. You're at least 60 minutes were the crazy here. Can you do that? Can you buy 15 minutes at a time for a shrink? It's like a I want to.

It's like a batting cage. You just like, boo, and you just put it in a token and you just turn back on. Someone puts a quarter on top of the site. I can't just, all right, I get it. You're next. Jesus. And he's just like, he's like, do I have to come back?

Can't you just tell me I'm not crazy? And he goes, no, no, dude, you just said you saw demons. I can't, I should not, I cannot, no, no. So I shouldn't even let you go. But yeah, so now he has to go back home to have more assisted dad flashbacks, pull out the file of dad news, paper, paper clippings. And in this flashback, we learned that dad also was mentally ill and saw demons.

Yes. All right, nobody has anything on that scene. No problem. Right. And this is where we get a fetus fear demon doing more of the awkwardly close shoulder whispering this time to Jason, right? He's like, you have suicide DNA. Your baby's going to hang itself as a fetus. It comes out with the umbilical cord wrapped around its neck. I knew it. I knew it. Look, there's a little note in its hand. This is horrible. Is that linger? Is that linger playing inside your universe?

It would still be the mom's fault, though. It's what what do you like saying? So that is an appropriate soundtrack for a Cedar Tangerine. That would make me want to kill myself. Yeah, I'd say that's the cranberry singing style is people hanging. Don't steal that cranberry. Don't steal that. Cedar's hanging with hiccups. Yeah. Don't steal that. So, Mary, don't steal that.

Speed is hanging with hiccups. Yeah. So, now we cut to wife. Speed is hanging with hiccups. I feel like you were trying to combine the shows. Yeah, no, this cooking ramen with heat and beat us hanging with hiccups. It's cooking wrong with heat. We're just that hanging in the background that you never address.

I would address it. What the Haley fetus has hiccups. He's hanging by rubber to get the ball. The rubber is kind of like spring action kind of bouncing up and down like a bobble head. He could be the sidekick. No, I love this. I love this. I think this is going to work.

Everybody write us in with ideas for this. Let's workshop this with the whole. And don't do that one. Just, you know, we don't, yeah, we don't need to see that feed us from and we, I like it. So, so what flavor will we, we will be, we make in today. Zahombe. Zahombi. Zahombi. Shrimp it is.

All right. So this is what completely off the rails. I can't even see the rails from here. Oh, okay. So now we cut to D and the wife having lunch together with another one of these, you know, we're already having a conversation as this scene starts kind of moments where they might as well be going converse, converse, converse, converse, converse. Yeah. And again, the work small talk is as vague as possible. She's like, oh, my project of

the work needs to tell me when it's time to further plot again. Right. She's telling D, like Jason's being weird because she's afraid he's crazy now or something. And he's like, well, I'm sure you want to have a miscarriage then. She's like, yeah, I'm what? I feel like that's not okay. Yeah, that was, yeah, but now, but D is very clearly jealous of her fertility because infertile women are useless humans in both Christianity and movies and this is a Christian movie. Yeah, just she's like, I can't have a baby and she's like, oh, well, you know, I'm sure you'll find someone.

She's like, didn't you hear me? I am basically flesh without soul inside. Oh, all right. I guess all those doctors and scientists and stuff. But yes, if you can't front poop a baby, I guess, turning your person card. So, but luckily, though, like to get out of this awkward scene, D has gotten her a present. It's an evil spell book. It's the same tonic summoning Bible. Yeah. She's

just a papyrus with a word of the day calendar and the necronomicon and each hand. Which one. I was over the whole thing was going to be dipped in chocolate. It's like, all right, I can't read this. No, I can't. Yeah, no, I heard an angel said, it's a good idea. I didn't take it through. I didn't think it's. So, okay. So sometime later, Jason is drawing in pencil as is his job. And he accidentally has drawn a demon behind the himself that he was drawing. He accidentally drew himself drawing with a demon like sneaking up behind him, again, like fucking Wiley Coyote. Like boy, boy, boy, boy, boy. So now also we, we cut back to D in the wife. The last time we saw them, they were in a restaurant together eating. Now they're headed out to eat, but they have to stop by D's place first.

It's two meals in a row. It's fine. People do that. D's house is covered. I agree with you. D's house is covered in tarot cards and spell books and weegee boards and who shit like it's the you're going to get laid green light, but in this case, in the movie, it's the bad sign. It's, it's the opposite of what you should feel like when you go into a girl's house and all that chef's there. Yeah. And a wife just gets drawn to him like it's a fucking cartoon carrot with smell lines coming off of it. And there's just the ridiculous ominous music just because they're looking at tarot cards. Like I wanted them to zoom out and there's a fully artist just doing creepy music in

her apartment the other side of the room. Well, and you love to that like, you know, she they have the whole like I never took this stuff seriously. You should. It's more real than reality conversation. And I'm just going to like, I have sat through this speech and hopes to getting laid so many times. That's what I wrote. I refuse to hear this monologue if I don't get to fuck someone. Yeah, right. It's like, oh my God, you're so spiritual. By the way, here's one of the exact exchanges. It says, it's just psychological. This isn't real stuff. And then D's like, wrong. It's more real than the physical realm. No, you want to unpack how many wrong things they got. No, but I appreciate you doubting my mortality. Um, so and then there's also this, um, like it, it starts to move into a lesbian rape scene

with magic, but it doesn't. Yeah. She's like, it's doesn't. She's like, you're still hungry, aren't you? And she's like, yeah, yep, still hungry. She's like, well, let's go get some lunch. Eat again. Well, but she, but she she hears her hunger with her magic.

She reaches down to her stomach and does like stomach magic and she says, you're not hungry anymore. Are you? And she's like, no, I'm not. She's like, see, magic is like, no, that's just because that was very creepy. And now I'm thinking more about leaving than eating with you. Now, now I know how to convince Heath. I have magic powers.

You're still hungry, aren't you? Get the fuck out of here. How could he know I just ate? Oh, it's, it's so good. We've, we've had mushroom demon karate, now magical lesbian stuff that makes you hungry, multiple lunches. Just end the fucking movie. It's perfect. Wait, but then we wouldn't get that amazing fight scene between fear and Joshua. Oh, get ready folks. It's coming. But before that, we have to listen to fear, read Eli's diary to that blonde lady some more, which they did not have my permission to read out loud. Very rude. And once again, wormwood shows up with his crows just as this team is trying

to get laid or killed or whatever. So like hand out another memo. Yeah. Can we just have like an email group, man? No, messages by hand. I'm a people person. That's very do. I wanted to grab him and bring him to Carroll's birthday. Interesting.

Uh, an Antimons cake. Nice. Great. Everyone's chip. Everyone signed the card, but you how is that going to look? How is it going to look if everyone outside the car? He's passing them down. I'm not going to get a piece. I did the math. I mean, I've looked at three of us. You're not going to end up who got this? Obviously, Jesus. I just had to this vision of every time he's ever had to go to the top. So many times.

Damn it. And it's just he's very aggressively cutting to the front of a cake line. Sorry, sorry. I'll let them work this shit out once it's got. Yeah, you know, no, you can buy a candy bar from the vending machine. People who suck at geography, geometry should be in the back here. And okay, so, but instead, where was there to promote him or something,

but he doesn't want the promotion because he feels like something big is gonna happen at this house and he wants to be here to see it out. Yeah, he wants to stay and mess up the guy's pencil drawings or whatever. Yeah. And I just want to say, like,

fears lived in my apartment long enough that I feel like he should sign my fucking lease, And I just want to say, like, fears lived in my apartment long enough that I feel like he should sign my fucking lease, right? I just renewed. Chippin' asshole. Yeah, and he has this whole like fucking peanut butter and jelly demonic monologue where he's talking about like, I just want to see them fail. I want to see people go through their whole lives without ever making a great movie like

divination. I just, and like, even at the point where we get like the hip hop remix at it. Yeah, he's like, I hate them. Hate, hate, hate them. Hate, hate, hate them. What? All right, still better than Jesse Eisenberg and Pat Manverson. Well, I know that's true. That's true. But yeah, so it like, and he's like, hey, don't give him any bad dreams tonight. I have a plan. Commander and once at that like, and he's like, hey, don't give him any bad dreams tonight. I have a plan. Commander wants it that way. And he's like, oh, commanders here.

You think he would sign my dick? I can tell by your face that I should have slowed rolled into. I should have said he signed something for me. Can I sign his? Before I pull out my dick. I'm so can we back that up and try again? Maybe we try again.

I sign his. No, no, no, no, no, no. Not a screaming flat-arms commander. Okay, be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool. I think it is the I.B. passes to see commander. So wow. So now we cut to the wife,

ominously laying out tarot cards. Ooh. Uh oh. With incense, no less. to the wife ominously laying out tarot cards. Ooh. Uh oh, with incense, no less. I mean, look, this is a blanket and playing cards in random order. This is some dangerous shit. Yeah, you might as well like open up your vagina

and hang a fucking put the devil in here, sign on it. Music note, this porn is set in the middle east. Yeah. It's needed a 19 year old to tell me to breathe into my third eye and I was already for this music. Yeah, but she and she makes like satanic witch hands and does her magic spell. And then that night he has happy dreams of a CGI island because they couldn't afford island stock footage.

I guess with his dad, his dad's on the island. Yeah, well, right. Sort of. Yeah. Yeah. But what the key here is that the demons of the bad dreams have now faked that the magic actually worked, which it kind of did. But anyway, he wakes up refreshed in otherwise read an evil witch book. Yeah, how does someone at demon chapter 18? How to make our lives a horror movie? Part one. What are you reading? Nothing. It's about men's seas. Stop grilling me. Let me see. Let me see. Oh, I should have stayed. I ate it. It was chocolate. I should have said that I ate it. I ate it.

It was chocolate. So now we cut to him and his buddy in the park again, opening question, I shit you not of this scene. So how is the pregnancy? Right. And at this point, they might as well just be playing paper football with the chess pieces. They got them facing the wrong way.

They're shoving them back and forth with a little shuffleboard. Scoopers. It's just. them back and forth with a little shuffleboard scoopers. It's just King me. Yeah. Yeah. It's rough. Yeah. And they actually make the goddamn pickle joke about the prank. Oh, my wife's so pregnant. She eats pickles. Fuck this movie. She's grieving bugs and bile. You think it's a demon day? And Chicago pizza. Yeah, you should take care of it. Yeah, I know. No, abortion is not. Yeah, I'm an abortion.

I'm not take care of a demon baby. Yeah, no. So just Tom's voice from inside your wife's stomach. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,erus. No, I got no, you totally called it up. Did he say abortion is not a virtue? I think I'm telling you. I get fertility. So, and also, I love the like direction this conversation takes, whereas Fred basically

says, what is it? Are you worried that you have some kind of mental illness that you don't want your child to inherit or something along those lines? Yes, that's what it is. Oh, wow. You nailed that. He's like, ah, I don't worry about it. That stuff's not genetic unless you have like magic powers or something. Spoilers, spoiler.

All right. So now we're going to start the next scene off with another one of these black and white dad flashbacks where we learned that the only reason he draws his bad dreams is because his dad was crazy and asked him to or whatever. Yeah. And we get the parents fighting in the other room. And again, because this movie really needs to drive home the harm to anyone who actually has mental health issues. It's the dad going, I don't need mental health help. Yes, you do. And the movie's like he doesn't don't worry. No, he won't in the end. He's got powers. It turned out to be magic powers. Also, now we've got, we go outside to where Josh was getting chewed out by his boss again

for letting the demons in. Yeah. And if he loses this house to divination, he won't get promoted to the inner circle of God. Yeah, it's gonna be hanging out with Jesus. Just like, hey man, welcome. Wow VIP. Did you really cook? Ready for eternity. Eternity like this. It'd be awesome. Yeah, but Josh is too worried about the big because because the boss is like,

you should just leave this to the rookie and and and wash your hands of it. He's like, but I'm too worried about the big cause because the boss is like, you should just leave this to the rookie and and and wash your hands of these things. But I'm too worried about the baby and the boss finally goes, all right, well, then I must tie your fate to theirs. Was it mean? I don't know what that, but yeah, we're supposed to like hear that and, you know, feel suspense. Also, we're bringing cover sheets on all the TPS. Where's it go wrong? At the end, we see Joshua on like angel traffic, dude, he's just like following people when they're speeding slow down, slow down, fuck.

I got, I got divination de merits. I didn't get to see my st. Peter principle. Doesn't get to go on the heavenly field trip to Hershey Park. Yeah. You have to stay home in copy sentences. So now that Joshua's upward mobility is hanging perilously in the balance, I guess we can pause for a break confident that you'll remain glued to the edge of your seat. But first, let me give a act through the hard sell here. Can Joshua and Daniel defend the unborn child? Will D in the wife cut the tension and fuck already? Can it get better than mid-angel karate knife grenades? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the pixelated conclusion of divination. Wormwood, What do you want?

Holy shit. What happened? I'm fine. I'm fine. Just give me a second. Oh, you're late. No, yeah, I know. I know.

That bird flew into a fucking windshield. I've been trying to replace him. Because he's an idiot, but you know, it's winter. Right. Wow. You do not. Yeah, no, believe me. I know. I know. Remember last summer

though, when there was that really bad bird flu going around and I was like a foot for three months. I sure do. I sure do. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, I was saying, remember, nobody is irreplaceable, especially not. Damn it. Hold on. What? Oh, what? I just, I just realized I left like a third of my stomach on a phone line. I'm gonna have to catch up with you later. Yeah, no problem. I'll see you later, we're in one. God.

Yeah. And we're back for more breakdown and we're going to rejoin the action with Jason at the psychiatrist's office not being forcibly committed. In spite of the fact that he brought him some of his demon drawings, this is what I see when I walk around in the day. Is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me? Right. And the psychologist is like, so like, is this something you see all the time? Like, what kind of problems are you facing? He's like, hey, hey, hey, that's a super personal question.

He's like, I'm a therapist. I am. Yeah, you ask him if there's a history of mental illness and his family issues. Hey, fuck you. Yeah. All right. This is a reasonable question to my entire job.

Yeah. There's also this great moment where the psychiatrist goes, I mean, I think you're ignoring the elephant in the room and I wanted him to pan over to an elephant just like, we never make love anymore. I'm a behaviorist. It was this guy's a crank. It was planning a room in this room for an elephant. It was a guy's a crank. It was planning a room in this room for an elephant. It was a bizarre room.

So, but it turns out that this shrink knows the truth about his dad. He went and looked them up and it turns out his dad was crazy as fuck. Well, my mentor treated your dad. I wanted him so badly, but like my dad, who was also a psychologist, by the way, treated your dad. Yeah, but I love this bit too, because there's this bizarre exchange here where he's like, hey, I thought you were just supposed to ask questions. He's like, I thought you were man enough to be straight with me. The psychiatrist does. That's the psychiatrist's line. I thought you were man enough to be straight

with you were a little baby. A taunting from the psychiatrist here. I don't know where I thought you were supposed to listen. I thought you were in a pussy ass bitch. Rost psychiatrist where's that movie. You do that world's tiniest violin thing a lot. Yeah, it kills every fucking time. Just waiting to live on Patreon. Yeah, and this is where we learned that his dad committed suicide and he watched. He was right there when his dad shot himself in the head, like

enough to get the splatter of his dad's blood on his cheek, which means he was close and kind of behind. Yeah. Oh, he's going to love this present. Happy. Oh. Oh, who is fault is this? I just don't know very upsetting. Yeah, we see all that.

And then the string's like, all right, let's, let's dig deeper. And Jason's like, no, I think we're there. It's better for my dad's face. We murder themself, like six feet for me. Yeah, but also I didn't get the bike that you, what the fuck do you think it would be? Yeah. And of course, we're 10 minutes into this conversation. So the shrink has definitively diagnosed him as having the same ultimately undiagnosed mental illness as his father had. And this is also where he reveals that his dad was a crime psychic. Crime psychic just throws that with no warning whatsoever. Oh, also your dad was a crime fighting psychic superhero.

Little the best. It's a real twist because his whole thing in the movie is like, you're obviously in need of some mental health care. And then he just totally shifts. And he's like, you're a psychic. You need to give into this. When you first start to swim, you swallow a little water. And I want to say, as someone who learned to swim, I don't think that's, I don't, I did

not learn in like a try or fail situation. There was someone there helping me. That's not what they mean by immersion. It's not try. And then you'll be ready for use to it next time. No, no. Yeah. So, but the psychiatrist really thinks he needs to hone his magic powers.

And I love his line too, as he's like storming out, he goes, what did you go to your e-geller university? Oh my God. That was good. And followed by this isn't Scooby-Doo. Not sure how it was related. I want to shrink to be like, oh, really? And just like pull off a mask and he's like Satan. I would have been stupid if it hadn't been for you. Yeah, right. So, so he heads home and his wife, while he was at the psychiatrist's office, found his dead, dad news folder that he keeps like spring loaded between two pillows.

What does he expect is going to happen when they need guest pillows? You know, they're going to use that. Also, she's, she's like reasonably upset about this. And he's being like, I knew you were going to be a total bitch about this. This is why I kept it for me because you're going to be such a fucking downer about it. Yeah, my dad suffered from debilitating mental illness and ended his life in front of me. I lied to you about it.

Nuh, nuh, nuh. You leave the seat down all the time when I have to do it. You happy now? Well, if you like, if you want me to say yes, I don't, I don't understand this exchange we're having. I don't understand either of them because like I feel like if my wife found out that like my dad killed himself and splattered his blood on me

and when I was a little kid or whatever, she'd be crazy sympathetic. But this guy's wife is like, oh my God, you totally have shoot myself in front of my kids syndrome and you weren't going to tell me. Yeah, you know that's genetic, right? Why do we even get tested by our rabbis to see if we both had dad get shot in his head with the end of the syndrome?

It's a disease that only my people get where your skull caves in like a snow fort. It feels racist. What's happening? Yeah. It's literally racist. It's like, it is a thing that happens just to my rates. So, but, but he doesn't need her help. Dammit. So he has to leave and they have the big fight. So he goes to his buddy's house and she calls D to come magic with her. Right. And he sort of knocks on the door of his buddy's house and she calls D to come magic with her. Right. And he sort of knocks on the door of his buddy's house and he's like, Hey, man, I'm in the doghouse for having a schizophrenic dad. And he's like, I've been there, brother. Get in here.

Beers in the fridge. Yeah. But and then of course, D is assuring the wife that you can still save him with better, more magical magic. The husband's blood is made of suicide. Do you have any spells for that? And she does. still save him with better, more magical magic. Cosmins blood is made of suicide. Do you have any spells for that? And she does.

She does have spells. I do. I do have a spell for that. It's in the book. It feels like you didn't read the book. I, well, I skimmed it. I'm actually, I'm in a book club. And so that's kind of my, oh, yeah.

I mean, you, you could have told me. You didn't have to pretend you were in red blood. It's fine. You're doing 1984, aren't you? So Jason, so we got to Jason chatting with his buddy on the porch, you know, and it's been, and I love too that they're, they're treating this like what, like one of those things that comes up in every relationship, you know, oh, when you know, your wife finds out that your dad shot himself and splattered his blood on you as a child, you just need

to give her some time. Yeah, give her some time, man. You jerk enough on the toilet yet? And he comes home and there's a sign on the bedroom door that says jerk off on the toilet bitch. You use the squatty potty. It's a better angle. No, actually she wrote couch on a piece of paper and tipped it to the door.

No, I mean couch, both. So he's going to be jagging off on the couch tonight with the seat up. The cushions moved. Yeah, and but this is all like to lead us into another dad flashback where dad reveals that he's getting insane demon sickness. And this scene, I know it's not supposed to be funny, but it is literally, holler. I cried with laughter. He's like, he's like, Hey, dad, what are you doing?

And he's like, uh, sorry, one second. Get the fuck out of here. You're Roger Rabbit. You are, son. I love you. Someday you're going to have a better dad, dad a stronger dad a dad who can speak to fire He's playing he's he's talking like he's gonna set up the kid with a new father like ahead of the suicide Yeah, just like a montage of cock porn. He's auditioning new lovers for the way

Then a montage of like she likes butt stuff's auditioning new lovers for the way. Then a montage of like, she likes butt stuff. She wants a finger in her butt. Finger butt. Two, I wanted like a blind date with the new dad, just like, you must be Kyle. Yeah, yeah, that's me. Wow, so awkward.

How do you know my dad? Oh, he's gonna shoot himself. Yeah. He bought the gun from me. Oh, cool. Cool. Then a montage of that test, dad just like handing a gun to random himself. Yeah. They bought the gun from me. Oh cool. Cool. The montage of that test, dad just like handing a gun to random dudes. Find the last one doesn't shoot himself.

I think we should have a good work out. It's a big mistake. So now and then the dad tells me he's like, go away. I need to be alone to jack off in these fruity pebbles or whatever. The kids like an inch away from the room and the dad starts screaming at demons again. But before he leaves, he's like, oh, real quick. Don't let me let you forget. Meet your father at the tree. Blood finalizes everything.

All right. I'll talk to you later. Yeah. I'm going to go eat my own calm, like sword and scale. Well, and okay. So this is like supposed to be a big like mystery that is dad left him when he died and it's gonna be revealed at the end of the movie, but it doesn't make any more sense at the end of the movie than it did at the beginning.

It doesn't like help him in any way. It's just a sloppy like attempt to do that thing where the dad had to force anyway, yeah. M. Knight Shommel on watch this and was like, eh, little sloppy. Yeah, right. Right. Well, that's the thing. They were trying, they were going for M. Knight, Shyamalan signs and failing with this seed.

Yeah. So now, these there to magic with the wife, apparently a blood covenant is required for this spell. Yeah, they keep coming back to this for the rest of the movie, the blood thing, being like super powerful. I don't really understand what they were going for. The end of the last thing they actually said,

blood is the most powerful thing. And they, like, no idea. I don't, like nuclear bombs can totally beat blood, even in like rock paper scissors. We have a very weird system of rock paper scissors here at the office. You do not want to play. Black guy, black guy, something.

It's a joke we did. I don't remember it. It's not a magic spell. I didn't just cast a man. There's not, if I say it again, what do you do? A black guy won't appear behind me. That's not a magic spell. I didn't just cast a mat. There's not in my state. Yeah. What do you think I will be our behind? That's a weird thing for you to say.

We have a backlog. It's all on there. It's all recorded. Yeah. I think that's what I got. I got it. I don't know what you're talking about. Elis.

Racist. Awkward. So the witch is doing a blood thing. The witch is. So yeah, and she has, she's like, opens a box and she's like, here, I brought a knife for you to cut your own hand with and smear blood in this book. And she goes, oh, good. I didn't want to have to use one of mine.

Did you bring a knife? No, I didn't. Oh, crazy. Because it's the e-vite very clearly had the B.Y. The assa-me on it. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Also, she says like, what are these words? And she goes, it's Latin. Don't worry about it. But no one associated with this movie could conjure up some Latin. She's just like, Famanam. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no stupid with Latin in them, but Christianity is good. Yeah, right. That's what we're. I feel like I'm saying I'm drinking a person's blood.

No, it's fine. It's fine. It's Latin. It's okay. Yeah. And so she does ominous magic spell, the ominous magic spell music. And now it's time for fear to chat with Wormwood some more. And he's pissed because he hasn't had chance to meet commander yet.

So he's now questioning Warren Woods authority. A Thorntine. Demon fight. Yeah, exactly. Warren Wood blew punches him and then smoke swords him. And yeah, they have a demon fight. And this is, of course, where divination is revealed to be. D. D. Venetian. I kind of, you kind of of did it and I kind of get it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I want it so badly for her to come and arbitrate the fight between him and warmwood and just be like, whoa, whoa, violence in the office and they're both just sitting there. Okay. I really don't like it when you like,

manage me in future. I would like see how much better this is guys. And do you need to you like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, wife, no, you could totally be the femme fatale. You and leather would look great. No, I do mean it. I don't know why I sound like that. I do mean it. Right. And she basically shows up and gives fear that like, we really appreciate your work, but you can't have a raised speech. Yeah, but then she busts out her awesome bat wings. No, it's all worthwhile. It was worth it. And awesome bat wings. So it's all.

That's why it was worth it. And also, okay, so now we cut to her. She's also trying to tempt the Asian lady with the small face in the big head into it, you're as well, you know, and like the Asian lady's like, I don't really know if I want to do it. She's like, some of the spirits, bitch. Okay, I'll summon the spirits. Fine. Geez. And the husband like comes upon this and he's he like walks into the room.

He's like, on. He's summoning Satan again. Uh, I got it. I need the bathroom. Right. But D closes the door and won't let her stop Asian lady from doing her demon witch magic because she's divination. So she uses witch magic to debilitate him and turn him all Vainey.

Right, but I want to point out here when she stops him and she's like, you can't go in there. Now, she's a demon, but he goes to punch her in the face and she grabs him and jokes him to prove she's super strong. But like his first reaction to a woman being like don't go in that room was like I'll fucking slam you in the Totally was I wanted her to be like whoa Not know I was a demon I just the Christian just hit ladies of 18 kids. What did you think? hit ladies, 18 kids. What did you think?

Oh, she's, you think it's a really equal relationship where one of us front poops a baby every 18 months. Yeah. Yeah, lots of families with a bunch of kids get along super duper well. 1946. Also, by the way, can the angels not see this all? This is the neighbor, right? They're, can the angels not see this from one yard over? They're just sitting right there. That all the evil spells happening crazy lame demons, just like Daniel sitting there, like Gabriel's always late

for a shift. I'm not covering it. I'm not covering it. It always happens. No, Gabriel doesn't ever do his fucking side work. I'm not doing his neighbor work. 50 roll ups, 50 roll ups. He just left me. And then so we, though we get Jason showing up at the

hospital because apparently tie after divination, touched him in the forehead, got crazy and ran out in the street and got hit by a car. And this is where tie tells him, no, no, your hallucinations are real. Trust me. I'm mentally ill and just ran in front of traffic. Obviously, I'm trustworthy. Go meet your dad at a tree. Yeah. He tosses that on his own. And then, then we, okay, we cut to fear chatting with divination. And I swear to you, the light originally read in the script, my queen, what happens in the next scene, you think.

And they just barely changed it. And it's like that. By the way, she is sitting in mid-air floating and he's having that like, what do you think like the point of existence is? She's like, oh, don't do this. I know you shouldn't have smoked before we got here. You mad at me? No, I'm not mad at you.

God. No, I just had a meeting with the Bob's. What would you say we do here? Yeah, there was definitely a, so what is this movie about, you think, kind of a, yeah, undercurrent of the whole thing? And how long was she just like floating there in Lotus Pose in their driveway? Do you think just like neighbors walking past? Hi, hello, I'm just floating.

I'm just gonna install the cable in a second. Yeah, right. Yeah, people can see her. We've seen it happen. So, yeah, so now Jason is gonna have bad nightmares tonight because, you know, fear is feeling a little bit. She can't get to give him nightmares the other night. So he has his terrible nightmares and then the wife calls D for more magic advice.

The wife, by the way, her name is Jessica, this is approximately where in the movie we learned that. Yes indeed. So. Right. And D's advice is you have to do the last chapter, the super, super magic chapter. Right. You're going to just like done this 20 scenes ago.

Go straight to the final spell. Just go to the big spell if you have a spell book. Tends to be the way. Use the first push. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. That's the burn spell. Yeah.

And it turns out this is where we learn that the reason that the demons and the angels are so interested in their houses because their baby is going to be a super magic demon hunter psychic crime fighter superhero. Yeah, because he can see demons and she can feel them together. Their child will be able to see. Yeah, feel them. Seal them. Okay. Yeah. No, we're going with that.

Chris. So Jason wakes up from his nightmares and his wife is chanting and he walks in and she's like sitting in a circle of candles. And I was jealous. I would like just once to wake up to my wife, letting demons into our home instead of playing the ukulele. I just I'm saying. So yeah, and then evil smoke rises up out of her. And suddenly he's in the shrink soft. Because the shrink magically teleported him there. Yeah. Keep up. Keep up. The movie just made it was my way yelled at you. Yeah. And this is where the psychiatrist explains that no, it's all magic. He's not mentally ill, but fear has been in control this whole time. And if he can defeat

fear, he will have magical neopowers. And then he pulls off his mission impossible mask and he is Joshua the angel. It is Scooby-Doo. This is the exact guy to whom he earlier said this isn't scuba do. It is scuba do. Yeah, except for the opposite because it turns out not to be something that is skeptic would have. Yeah, right, right. Yeah. Which means that earlier in the movie, the angel was like, sorry, man, you only bought 15 minutes. Right. All right, I got to help this parent, I got to help this family with their marriage. You got to sit in the yard somewhere else. We didn't really think this through all the way.

And then so now fear is there and Jason's like, oh, I don't need you anymore. So now Joshua and fear can have their fist fight. Well, first they throw them out of a skyscraper and then punch them down from the skyscraper So now Joshua and fear can have their fist fight. Well, first they throw them out of a skyscraper and then punch them down from the skyscraper, but then a fist fight. Right. After that.

What happened there? The shrink works in like a rainy Gotham skyscraper all of a sudden. Apparently next to a sunny suburb from a second and a half. Yeah. So yeah, so they fly out the window and then they end up fighting in this like area that's still under construction and you know, Josh was about to stab fear and he goes, oh, I bet you're too pushy of a Angel to fight me without that sword. Huh?

He's like, I'm no, I'm not a pussy. I can't see office fight you right now. And he's like, all right. Let's fill our hands with baby powder first. What the fuck was up with that decision? Every time there's a punch or a block powder just flies off everybody's hands and feet. I think it's because they're made of library books. I see. I want a Nicholas cage to come over and look in them for the constitution or something. And also, okay, the fight choreography here.

Now, honestly, if you compare this to David A.R. White, it's pretty fucking good. But you could basically hear someone off-screen going and one and two and knees and knees and kick block two, three kick block two, three. Okay, guys, you're doing great. I wrote, this is how Keith and I fight over the mic closest to the bathroom. It's important sometimes, depending on what we eat, we should always, we should always, we should talk to Toby again. One of us lives entirely on a diet of fiber.

I also butter and honey sandwiches. So sometimes I'm just saying, also, this is where we get the plaster in the eyes thing that was downright three-stu-ee might as well have gone for the three-stu-jus eye poke at this point. It's like Neo fighting agent Smith in a like Vodville talkie from like, literally. But eventually Joshua gets the best out of him and pushes him through his sword. And I wanted him to look up and go, I told you, you couldn't do without the sword.

Yeah. Tate. Buster Keaton drives by in a bicycle, hits him with a two by four somehow. Yeah. We're doing fun. A penny farthing, please. And there's this great moment that we're looking right at Joshua's face while his mouth does not move at all. And he says go to hell. He stabs the guy in the face. He was just like weezing at that point from all the baby powder. He can't inhale.

And it goes as best as specialists after this scene. I love it. But so they hurry back to the house and Daniel goes to run in and Josh what tells me, he can't go in yet, but he just won't listen because he's rogue and rookie. And he's superhero lands inside the house. Yeah. But divination is there and melts his sword with her magic. Right. And then she like slams them on the ground very comedically. And you're just like thumb, thumb, thumb, All right, you're dead now. Well, and then she Nintendo kills him, right? And I've seen it.

Tadokil, like a circle of death, like moves out away from her, but in like eight-bit graphics and knocks him away and feels the duck. Yeah, right. Exactly, exactly. He needed to jump. He needed to double jump over that one. I wanted to jump out to someone at a controller. I totally did. It's broken. It's fucking broken. I won't controller to next time. But and now Jason shows up at home after the

psychiatrist thing, which he was teleported to. I can't imagine them why they didn't just teleport him back. We had to drive apparently his car wasn't there. Anyway, but so he comes back and now he can see all the demons because he has his Neo powers unlocked and he catches his wife being spirit guided by D also, by the way, Josh, the other like super powerful angel. He's just sitting in the yard at this point doing nothing like it's a union regulation. He can't go in yet. He told Daniel. But yeah, but he comes to his wife and he's like, honey, now I understand. I'm supposed to have schizophrenia. I have good schizophrenia. I have magic schizophrenia. And D who we don't know as a demon is like, I don't think so.

And he's like, Hey, D. This is kind of a couple thing. I feel like you should kind of let this be us. Yeah. So, but she, like, I don't know whatever takes out the memory card from the wife, so she shuts down. Right. And the, and then he claims, the divination rather claims his wife and his child as her own, because it turns out that's what that Latin spell was all about. Yeah.

Your wife and child belong to me now, the Eli Bosnian story. And then she force pushes him. And I thought, well, at least she knows the lead with the force push. At least we have to. And she has him her giant jugal, little bodyguard. Oh my God. This fucking demon looks like E Honda was trying to scare his racist kids. The black cloud of battle toad. Shoulder checked into the wall or whatever. Yeah.

And she's like, he's like, this is my house. And she goes, you know that this is, she invited me here. I am allowed to be here. And I was like like, oh yeah, just like real life can't have anyone over unless you ask your wife Classic demon He's like that's my baby and she's like she sealed a blood covenant and I and I just wrote my nose Always check with the adro before smearing blood out of which is shit while reciting Latin people. This is basic stuff I wrote someone Andrew put a well-cooked steak and a transformer in a circle Rises out of the floor, not so unfast. What do you say, blood contract? We're good, good, damn, damn.

All right, let me see the blood contract. It's just a smear of blood with no words. Yeah, that's nothing. That's nothing. When she said Latin, did she know the Latin? Yeah. That's what the movie needed. It needed to enter to come and throw down some lawyer magic.

Thomas keeps asking questions while he's trying to fucking demon. Excuse me. I know you, I know you keep going for a left hook here. It seems to me you're not a South Pa. I don't really understand. Yeah. I'm gonna guess. I'm gonna guess. You're gonna throw a South pie. I don't really understand. Yeah. I'm gonna guess. I'm gonna guess.

And for if you don't listen to opening arguments that joke just wasn't for you. It was for us. Your own phone and their show. So now The husband gets pushed out of the house and he's all stumbling and and and defeating and this is where Josh The angel shows up to apologize for all the shit angling up to this point. He's all mad at him. So he's like punching himself in the head. So stupid like he's built Buckner. Like he's all mad at him. So they're slipped through. Oh, yeah. And you get more of that great man up wisdom where he's like, there are only two types of people in the world, those who talk and those who do.

Like, that's not because. So those that do and podcasters, I mean, I'm on like, that's the weird bitchy thing. Like, there's not really, there was a, what was uncalled for. So yeah, and okay, so, but this is where he learns that he can use his blood to unblood, her blood's blood. And I just so wanted like the fucking divination to step out and go, you can't triple blood of double blood, you can't triple blood of double blood. I want to, well he says use your gifts and I wanted him so badly to pull out like a piece

of paper and scribble like a shitty dragon. Oh no. Swings are made of knives. His name is knife wing. With stepdad. Really didn't need an end to this. So I don't need attention. So now, okay. Now his wife, who's in the house, shows up in the woods and the angel tells

him, don't let her get away. So he chases his ghost wife into the woods. And he's smiling like an idiot. You like for not to like, they get seriously for this part of the scene. I don't know why they showed us this or why he was looking back at the camera while he was running into the woods. But was he supposed to tackle her? What was supposed to happen here? I wanted him to side tackle the wife so bad just a shot of her like.

Oh, I guess I... Dirk! Me, Joe Greer. Cryers and shit. But no, but she stops and he goes to hug her, but just as he does, she disappears and he falls into the tree from his dream or something. Yeah, I don't fuck. Was he supposed to meet the dad there too? Wasn't that what the prophecy that or something?

Sort of happens at the end sort of but not really. I want to like the stepdad to pop up there the like replacement dad Just like I bought you a go-cart. Okay, I don't really have time doing a thing. You want a Disney world? Yeah, a banded Disney world. So so I'm a catch. I got you this glove.

Put needs foot oil on it together. So and wrapping up a rubber band. So now he goes back into the house. Jason does. And the demons are all hovering around him. And they look like, okay, as much as is possible for poorly CGI demons, they look like he had just made a big scene fighting with his girlfriend at the party. And now he's coming back in to say he's sorry. Ex-all that I wrote, all the demons are having a wine and cheese party that he's making awkward. Yeah.

That is as close as possible to look on their face, yeah. Oh, I should really get going. I should go. I should go. To elsewhere. Right. And he walks back into the house like in a snit for whatever reason.

And then has the exact same conversation. He's like, okay, seriously, this time, I really think the Satan book is bad. You remember when you wouldn't give it to me earlier? I think we should talk about this exactly the same way again. Yeah. Yeah. But this time, as you sit there talking to his wife, a demon runs up to spear him in the back But his Jesus blood magic protects him and the demon gets thrown away And this is also where he wipes the scar off of his wife's hand that she made the magic blood spell with Right, because this blood is powerful remember blood finalizes everything that makes sense now, right? Yeah. I want to like ask about the bill. Okay. Blood. How does that relate? I blood on my hand. I saw the

tree. It was this blood or something. We figured this would all make sense to you now. We've seen movies sometimes where they say something's going to happen and then it happens later and you're like, whoa, and we thought that was gonna happen, but apparently there's some element to it we didn't do. So fuck all of you guys. So and then this is where like divination gets all pissed off because you know, the blood thing. So she decides to perform a abortion.

Yeah, magical hand abortion. Magical hand abortion. All right, that's in the Bible. Just a zandy standing next door. It's fine. You're doing a great job. Don't listen to them. Don't listen to them. They don't know you. They don't know your choices. So and then this, okay, and this is where he has to like

grab the Satan book and throw it in the fireplace. So like the heroic moment of this movie is book burning. Yeah. And it and it cancels the abortion. And the book apparently, yes. It's actually the end of that David DeLaden video, right? Plan for parenthood just got defunded. A DVD of them selling body parts falls out of the ceiling. I knew it. I am not going to

be convicted of 15 felony. You won't be convicted of all 15. So and now divination is powerless against the wife. And Joshua, the angel shows up to fuck her world up with his Nintendo magic. Do I want to watch a black guy fight a spiritualist in her late 30s? Yes. I was this guy black. He was black like key from key. Yeah, he's he's keegan Michael key. He's the rock. He was he was kind of like the rock fuck Jason statham to me.

Yeah. Yeah. Good looking guys. Let Jason Statham to me. Yeah. Yeah. Good looking guys. Let's dwell on that for some time. Yeah, no, yeah, absolutely. No, we can't because this is where they have the staff fight. And I love the staff fight so much. Oh, staff fight.

It's one of those smokey staffs that you hear so much about. I thought maybe for a second it was a giant incense stick. That would have made so much sense. I had the smoke coming out of the end and she's divination and she starts throwing like giant tarot cards. I was really hoping. It's not what happened. I thought it was maybe that she had a puck from the NHL in 1996 on the other staff. Some people really love that joke.

Okay, so but now, honestly, if you've got that visual though, you can really imagine this because what they're trying to do, and you've seen this in martial arts movies before, like, whether it's like a trace line that follows the weapon, right? Like so as she spins her staff around, there'll be a line where it was that's following it along. And that looks really cool if you do it right. But in this movie, like every like nuance of shake or whatever in her motion was being transferred to the screen So it's just this like fucking Michael J Fox trying to sign his name a line that follows her everywhere she goes

Fucking hilarious and the fight is so goddamn slow like you want to Basically stopping and going no my turn my turn I feel like they're basically stopping and going, no, no, my turn, my turn. So slow and so and so anticlimactic. Cause like she knocks him to the ground and she's like, ah, I went and he's like, nope, cuts her in half. Yeah, that was it. Chopster and half Darth Maul style. How did they know we just watched Phantom Menace again?

How would they have no, very impressive. And then she, she has like a little mini monologue when she's cutting af she's like we had dibs on God's love. And yeah, and you asked that audience are sitting there going like yeah No, actually that's a pretty good point though. Yeah, like you're kind of working for the bad guy bro But yeah, she and she just doesn't get his lack of seething human hatred. And that's where he pulls out his knife grenade. And it's not even has him walking a little because he stabs her with a knife grenade and it starts ticking and he just walks away all cool as she explodes behind him. Oh, it's great. Like Django after he blows up. Yeah.

Yes. Yes. Exactly. We had a horse doing the high step. Uh oh, looks like you hit the jackpot. Eaching. So, okay. So now we had back inside with Jason and Jessica and she's super sorry for all the demon inviting and all that stuff. But before the movie can end, they have to go fix ties mental illness, his buddy that got forehead pushed by divination. Yeah. So he punches through the door, smears

some blood on ties face. And now he's okay. It's so weird. It's so obviously someone being like, but people are going to wonder what about tie. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. This is an afterthought scene, 100%. And then of course, uh, Josh was angel boss shows up to tell him he did a great job and now he can retire. But he just doesn't want to retire anymore. He wants to stay on the force. Sorry, but there's going to be a sequel turns to camera. Oh, they'll be a sequel. They're better be a fucking sequel. Oh, I would love that. I really want there to be a sequel. We should help fund the sequel Go fund me dot com forward slash the divination. Yeah, divination to we really want there to be a sequel Um, and and now Jason the main character has happy island dreams where he meets his dad at the tree

It all ties together, I guess. Except not real at all. Either really or at all. I guess, yeah, great. We see them with a baby. So the baby didn't die on childbirth. We know that. And then it's over. All right. So on a scale of baseball bat to knife grenade, what kind of demon fighting weapon would you give this movie, you think? Uh, Joseph plan B lit a mind just to be sure.

I loved it. I'm going to give it a solid smoke stick. All right. That high praise from the, uh, from the American judge. And while that's going to do a far review of divination, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need a weedle you into a return trip. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. The case for Christ. Uh, fucking angelic choirs coming up the Lee Strobel story on the big screen, another field trip, hooray.

Hey, finally, oh, I've been waiting so long. Waiting so long for Lee Strobel to tell his own life story about how he was so smart. He solved the mystery of the Jesus. That's, yes, that's what we're gonna fucking watch and pay for and drive to. Yeah, so with all that's, yes, that's what we're gonna fucking watch and pay for and drive to. Yeah, so with all that to look for, do a bring episode 85 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go.

If you'd like to get yourself among their ranks, you make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. And thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us five short review on iTunes and by sharing the show in all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this, show, be sure to check out our sibling shows And skating aides in the skeptic crowd available on iTunes Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live If you have questions comments or cinematic suggestions you can email God off on movies at gmail.com Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P Andrew Torres our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slot

Neck of Evil draft son Mars all other music was written performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for he'd then write Neil I Eli Bosnick, I'm Noel Ejenspromissner, work harder in another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Joshua eventually went on to become assistant to the regional theater. High subsession with Jason's virility got increasingly less comfortable. Fear retired to work on Eli full time. So in 1994 they lit a hockey puck on fire?

That's what happens. Kind of like that. They might as well have lit the a hockey puck on fire. That's what happened. Kind of like that. They might as well have lit the fight. If they lit the fucking hockey puck on fire, it would have been cooler. Honest. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017. All rights reserved.