Goes Without Saying - so your friends hate you, now what?: confrontation & communication 101

Episode Date: September 22, 2024

podmothers sephy & wing enter the chat: spiralling on double standards in relationships, being mistreated, letting things slide, building resentment, feeling neglected, and GCSE maths. ✷see more ✷ www.youtube.com/@sephyandwing ✷ www.instagram.com/sephyandwing ✷ www.tiktok.com/@sephyandwingshop ✷ www.sephyandwing.co.uk Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Goes without saying, you're listening to Goes Without Saying with Sefi and Wing, I'm Wing. And I'm Sefi. This episode is all about the double standard in friendships and why sometimes you notice like hey if I did that I'd never get away with it, like why can she just come in and be a fucking asshole and I can't. We're gonna unpack that today, all the different dynamics that we settle into and why sometimes it feels like you're being partially criticised, why sometimes it feels like you're being partially criticized, why sometimes it feels like friends can treat you like shit and just get away with it. If this is landing for you, enjoy.

I'm coming in with stress today guys. Lots of energy today, fun stress. Fun stress but still stress nonetheless. I'm in the middle of packing. Stress nonetheless. Yeah. I am really um sitting in squalor right now like it's kind of all my clothes are out, all my books, everything is just like I'm looking at the rug I'm sitting on now like I've got to roll that up in a minute like I'm really just in it. She's in it. She's in the midst of it, in the thick of it. Yeah I am but it's all good. It is all good. It's just stressful. Yeah, and I was saying like, it just is stressful and that's just how it's supposed to be.

It's supposed to be anxiety and like, ah, adrenaline, like all of the things. Yeah, I'm moving tomorrow and I think it is, it is sort of breakdown pending. I think it's tonight maybe that I'm gonna start crying or something. I just feel very Like there's a lot to do but even though it all will still get done and blah blah

I'm trying to go with the flow, but my periods due tomorrow like everything's timed up Yeah, but my periods due tomorrow. Yeah, so I just can't see straight. No, which is fair enough. Yeah, so fair Um, I also feel really giddy off of the high of your move. yeah. sorry about that. no i'm coming in with like woohoo! i definitely feel like i've got some adrenaline behind me. almost like i need to stop putting stuff in boxes. okay well that's quite nice. i'm glad you've actually made me feel way more excited about it. it is exciting. it is. i just am not really feeling... i think i'm just... you know when the stress is just overriding? everything. i think i just... i feel everything. i feel excited and i feel anxious at the same time but i'm almost

confusing the excitement for more anxiety. i think as well excitement and anxiety in the body can still feel quite horrible. sometimes when you're so excited you do just feel sick. And it is. I sort of just said this a minute ago to Wing. The pre-date nerves are like nothing else. But kind of a bit like this. It is such an enjoyable feeling where it's like I'm so nervous but I'm so excited, I'm gonna be sick, ah but if they can't tell I'll be gutted. It is exactly that feeling of like, I don't wanna do this, but I really do. You know you do. Yeah, it's really, really scary and just overwhelming.

It is, and also I think the idea of like a move or like excitement is like, oh wow, just enjoy it. But like realistically is this is exactly how it's supposed to feel it's it's going to feel like it is surreal it is chaotic it's yeah and this is fun it's actually fun yeah yeah like last night I went to did like a late night IKEA trip which that was fun it's so fun yeah I'm starting to get into it now yeah now you say it honestly I think you need to put it into perspective totally once you say it and it's so fun. yeah. i'm starting to get into it now. yeah. now you say it honestly. i think you need to put it into perspective. totally. once you say it and it's like oh i did i go

to a late night i went to a late night trip to ikea last night. that sounds nice. yeah. god okay so i'm actually having a really good time. yeah i've got a room in my sister's i'm sort of using my sister's room as like the packing room. so fun. and it's chaos. but it's also i'm gonna just get into it you know. you're in it. yeah. yeah. fun. but that's the energy i'm coming with so sorry. so nice. great great fun energy. okay so i think this will be a good ep then for us to do because it's something we've been talking about. i mean i've been chewing your ear off about it. this is a big topic for us. it's a big topic and we spoke about it on our dumpling day with Freya and Molly. We kind of just, the first thing we did, we just sat down there like,

so what have you guys been up to? And it's like, well we've just been talking about this topic. We've got a theory going. We've been airing this out but it really is like, I've been saying it's like when you add a new angle or like a new kind of vocab gets added to something you've experienced your whole life but you just you've found a new way to frame it. It's the tampon take two. Yeah. Which will only make sense to a hard quiz. Nobody's coming Harry.

It's like something you've known your whole life just suddenly gets a new title, a new label and you can think of it in a new way. At least I'm thinking of it in a new way. This is new for me. Totally. So I think it's definitely something we're feeling some passion behind. yeah and i think it kind of leads on from the last episode where i even say in it like i sort of hint towards this topic and then we're like let's stop

stuff like let's sort of save that for a big thing. hold you there. yeah. because it does need it's not a drop-in at the end of an episode that it's like a big thing but it just leads on perfectly. it's a it's a thesis introduction it's like this is my new terminology that I'm introducing to you guys and I can't I can't put that in on the conclusion. this is an introduction. yeah so now this is getting today's episode and Thursday's as well. yeah. what you guys think. okay so how do we set it up? Have you guys ever experienced in your life? It's a friendship dilemma. A little something like this. A little something I like to call get the eucloses out. It goes a little something like this.

Okay so recently I had an experience and actually another day that me and Zephy went for dumplings. Same place. It's actually embarrassing life. Same place same place same week it's all we do okay so yeah just a few days before the dumpling day with molly and freya me and seffie did just a solo a private dumpling day just the two of us which was why the dumpling day with molly and freya then happened because then when we saw molly and freya later we started talking about dumplings they said what have you done today and we said we just went for dumplings they said cool let's all go together you see how these these things connect? everything in the invisible string of it all. yes. so one thing leads to another and then you know you've been for dumplings twice in one week. yum. the first time we went for dumplings. do you know also i had dumplings for dinner that night? what night? the night we had dumpling day. really? i then came home and had dumplings for dinner. yesterday? no no no. when

did we have dumplings? me and you or? no no no. with molly and freya. was that not yesterday? oh no it was wednesday. no god that was ages ago wasn't it? it's friday today. was it? it was tuesday. it was tuesday. god it wasn't yesterday. yesterday? sorry. we had dumplings for lunch and then i thought what am i having for dinner? Had some dumplings in the freezer that Itzy once and I thought, yeah, I know what I like. I'm gonna have more dumplings. I know what I'm in the mood for. It's already gone down once.

Yum. Okay, so that first dumpling day, with just me and Sefi, on the way there, I had texted Sefi and said, I'm in a bit of a pickle. Yeah, a bit of a situation. I'm in a situation and I'm not happy about it. Yeah. And I was like, you know, I'm in a bit of a pickle. Yeah a bit of a situation. I'm in a situation and I'm not happy about it. Yeah. And I was like you know I'm fragile so let's see how these dumplings go. And we sat down and I was fine. Yeah yeah. But like I was on the brink at one point. There were some

tears shed. There were yeah but I kind of you know knocked them back. Yeah yeah you did. Just because also for some reason when we went for dumplings with sorry, molly, it was quite busy but when it was just me and you it was empty. were there just people in there? us and the guy? had the whole place to ourselves. yeah we really did and i thought i know he's listening to every word i'm saying. yeah. and if i start crying he'll almost come up and give me a hug so i just think let's just keep this. I don't wanna put anyone in a position. So anyway, I filled Safiyan on a situation and I'll fill you guys in on it now.

What has come from this situation basically was me being like, right, I'm in a friendship situ and it has got me thinking about how sometimes different friends can get away with different things. Sometimes friends will expect something of you that they wouldn't expect of another friend for example. and for example me and sefi had a situation or like sefi had a situation a while ago with a friend who did something crazy. you acted honestly like a madman. honestly truly like a madman. and then when we were talking the other day i was like

for example imagine if i did that it would be like.. oh my god it would be.. it was one of those things where they were acting really rude and really.. to me it was bananas and I.. like really overtly rude. really overtly rude like there was kind of no way around it and they did apologise later down the line in a sort of vague way. oh my god it's thunder and lightning outside. no way it's like blue sky here. oh god. it's crazy. why brighton is absolutely stunning and everywhere else in England is ranked. it's literally purely thunder. okay sorry if you hear thunder guys that's almost quite stunning. that's nice. that's really disorienting for the listener to hear. seagulls and the seaside and also thunder and lightning. it's flashing in here. Did you not see my whole room just flash? That's really not, I'm quite jealous. That's mental.

That's the mood I'm in, that's what I want. That is, oh my god, that's everything. That's exactly the mood I'm in as well, just like, yeah, burn it to the ground. Yeah, Jokaris. Yeah, okay, yeah. So something mental happened. I was with someone who was saying crazy things,

being really rude, just like, you know, rude behavior. I didn't sort of call it out because it was one of those things where I was with them for a long extended period of time. I'd kind of signed up for like a few days with this person. Yeah. And it kept going on and they're sort of someone that I would let, I don't really care enough

to stop the situation and say, wait, let's hear it out. What's going on? Let's let this slide. You know, whereas we were talking, I was talking about it with Wing. If me and Wing were in that situation, it would be tears. If I was overtly rude like that. Stop the fucking car.

It would be pull over now. We need to really go into this. Something has really gone awry here. Because I care so much. And it's not that I don't care about this person but I don't almost our friendship isn't like that. Our friendship is not at the level where it could maybe withstand some of that stuff and also I don't think they'd get it. I don't think they would they'd probably just be like oh yeah I was a bit rude then sorry. And some friendships and dynamics are built on people letting things slide

sometimes and kind of the foundation of the friendship sometimes is like, we sustain this because there are certain things that I kind of just absorb and look past and there are certain things that you're allowed to get away with. Totally. And I do think this person does get to get away with certain things because there's a family element to it like there's a like a lifelong love with this person so I think they do get to sort of and I'm not it's really tricky to explain because it's not like they're just not someone that I think would sort of it's just it's the deepest thing yeah but it's also you know how like your mum

could be rude to you when you say I'm not gonna fucking bother like I know what this is yes you know what you're you know what you signed up for you know this person and I think the thing that we were talking about of like you expect it from them we had another situation where someone else did something good we've got some terrible friends don't we? jesus christ. fuck. i don't know if we can't really give this example i don't think. i don't think we can give too much. but they just acted in a way where... can we give like an equivalent? like almost basically it was the equivalent of turning up for dinner and drinks and then leaving before the dinner because they had to

run off and do something else. something like that. yeah. Yeah. And that's fine. But then it was brought to Sefi's attention after that another friend was like, if I did that or if someone else did that... It would have been a different case. It would be like, excuse me, you can't just leave. I didn't even really notice it. Like, I just sort of thought, oh yeah, no, I literally didn't even clock it. And then when my other friend pointed it out, I thought, oh yeah, like actually that is a different standard standard. Like if Wing had acted like that, or if someone else had acted like that,

I would have been like, wait, did you really just do that? It would have been at least a conversation, yeah. And I think it's just got us thinking recently. So then when I sat down in our dumpling haven and I said, I'm sorry to ruin dumpling day by delivering this horrible news, but I'm feeling fragile because of this friendship situation,

I was saying, I feel in this friendship, not between me and Zephyr, but between somebody else, that I am being held to a standard that other friends are not held to with this person. Like, I cannot get away with anything here. I have to be, I'm put on a pedestal for some reason, and I really shouldn't be, because now it means I'm just set up to fail and disappoint

Yeah, take me off this pedestal now. I'll jump. I'll actually To the take me off this pedestal now because why am I why are you expecting so much of me? Yeah, mark. It's out of order. But there is a reason why. i think it's a stunning reason why. for the same reason that um if you had acted like um one of those friends i would have been like wait excuse me what's going on and they wouldn't because i don't want to give the metaphor that we've been using but certain friends are capped at a certain level almost like the well are we gonna say the c the a star? absolutely why would, I want it. I want you to deliver it Oh, but it's yours. Is it? Oh, maybe it is ours actually I said they've done I said they've done a foundation paper and you said they're capped at a C. Okay, so basically take you guys

Let's transform you back to GCSE maths. For example, I think it was actually only maths that they offered this Yeah, what that was it? There was a maths. I think it was actually only maths that they offered this. yeah there was a maths. I think there was also English. oh I don't know what they did with it. English foundation though. is that a thing? mm-hmm. oh there was. oh no it wasn't. they just did English language and not English literature which is actually excruciating. oh that's crazy. they would cut people from English literature. that's actually so wrong. that's insane. yeah. you can't split them. anyway. yeah. okay so yeah. right. so there's a lot of- there's a lot of- there's a prior reading list here for you guys to get this analogy but basically the long and short of it. in england at the time of me and sappy's doing

our gtsc education we- you would do maths, you would do english, blah blah blah. if you were doing maths, which we all did, there were two different sets of exams that you could take. You could either take the full mathematics exam or mathematics foundation. And that meant that the foundation paper was cut so that it was basically, the highest grade you could get was a C. And what you'll hear later is you're capped at a C.

Whereas if you're doing the the full paper you can get yeah an A star whatever. yeah and yeah the foundation paper is maybe easier but the highest level you can get. yeah it's a C you can't get more than a C you could get full marks on it and you would get a C it would be C level marks. so i promise that's relevant because that's kind of how it is. friendships work. yeah totally. it's like okay so the friends that are hot, those friends that are we mentioned earlier, it's like yeah maybe they are... maybe they get away with things because they're capped at a C. they get away with things because you expect them to be a foundation level friend. almost

like you expect that of them. you don't expect A star material from them. you expect them to kind of maybe come in a bit late and they haven't done their homework and whatever and we just let these things slide because they're taking the foundation paper and they're capped at a C. and almost if i was gonna try and give them the some A star content. almost the higher marks. if i was for example with that friend that was saying the rude stuff to try and say, I think let's have a conversation about this, blah, blah, blah. I genuinely don't think it would have- You'd be met with confusion. It would be, show your workings. Sorry, I think you've heard. I genuinely think it just wouldn't-

They couldn't keep up. It would have fallen on deaf ears. It would have been so strange of me making a big deal out of nothing and sort of rather than sweeping things under the rug like bringing things up to the surface like all of the stuff that just is not really required in that like it's a C level thing it doesn't need to be a B. it doesn't get given the value it doesn't get given the it's not worth it almost and you cut your losses with these relationships of just like I expect this kind of behavior and then when it happens and it doesn't matter it doesn't yeah doesn't hit the same no because almost it doesn't hit the same you expect them to be overtly rude whereas if I was

overtly rude it'd be like what the hell that is unexpected. It would be like oh my god it's going on. It would be insane so it just then is difficult when you find yourself being graded harsher so I'm sat down to do my exam as a friend and I'm looking around thinking why is everyone else fucking zooming through? They're passing. And I don't have the answers. It's because I'm being given the the higher content stuff I've been given the A star level stuff and that's really nice Yes, but it's really difficult to difficult to feel as though you're facing harsh criticism from a friend.

Because also the reality is friendship is not a gradable thing and everyone really should be treated the same, especially friends that are often all from the same group of people. These could be friends from school, from uni, from work, they're usually groups of people so I think that's when it hits harder, when it's like you look to the left and it's like, well, why is she getting away with the same fucking behaviour that I'm doing? And almost you set the standard.

It's the kind of thing where you, literally what we were saying is you give an inch and they take a freaking mile. They'll take you for a run. Like they'll actually take you on a marathon and you'll be hanging from animals, like dragging behind because you gave them an ounce of awareness or kindness or you did the extra thing once and now they think you

have to be a perfect person. The situation that I was in was like, there was kind of nothing I could have done. Yeah. To be seen as like good enough for this. Yeah. For that situation which was really horrible. So I don't know it's just something I'm thinking about a lot. Definitely. Gosh can you hear this under? No not at all. I hope you can hear it Harry because it's so ambient. Yeah I would love to hear it. It's absolutely stunning. But yeah, no, I do think this has come up in such- It's weird how much friendship is such a theme at the moment. This is coming up in so many different areas and then when we were talking about it the other day, it seemed that it was coming up for everyone else. I mean, I've just had a little peek at what people have said on the story, not mentioning in this episode, that's next episode. But goodness me,

I mean, it seems like people- the friendship is a big theme right now. it is. and when we were having this conversation with molly and freya they were saying like there are so many situations where you almost don't realise it because it's really unspoken. but it's.. the moments when it comes up like almost.. it's like well how will she get.. like if i did that.. totally. everyone would go mad. like almost we expect this girl to always insult what you're wearing or we expect this girl to always insult what you're wearing or we expect this girl to always forget your birthday was one we were saying. totally because it's wing's birthday in a few days and i know that i've got extremely busy days day before two both the days before are my first two days of my masters. i think you're thinking about my birthday more than i am. well i'm thinking

about it because i know that i'm going to be really preoccupied for the two days before so i've got it in my mind okay remember make preparations for it now. and then i said as long as you say happy birthday to me at some point in the day, that's all i want. and i said why are you holding me to such a low standard? goodness me! you're treating me like a cap to a C friend! what am i? cap to this bloody C? you're not. you're an A star friend. well that's why it would be shocking if all i did in the day was at some point during the day say happy birthday. But then also it would be treated with the thing of like Totally. We'd probably you would say because you're an A star friend you'd be like, oh my god

It's like 10 p.m. And I'm just like, oh my god Yeah, and also there's just the huge context of everything going on like it's... I do think it would be very shoddy of me But it would never be more understandable and also like you're the kind of person who wouldn't forget and i'm the kind of person who wouldn't care if you did no no i am the exact person that would forget which is why i make such precautions like i have like alarms in my calendar for people's birthdays because i am the exact person that would forget but but i make my precautions because i don't want to be the person that forgets because i know how much i do think it kills like as much as i say i'm not someone that cares about

my birthday i only have two a year we seem to have spoken about it quite a lot for somebody my birthday's not like i'm not a huge birthday person even though i do have two years now already had a spare oh yeah exactly that's why I don't care now. But I do think it really does hurt when it gets to like 6pm and it's like, oh, well, no, well, like only like, you know, my family have said I had birthday and like two friends and like, oh, no one really remembers. No one likes me.

And it is fine. But also I do think, I do think birthday, also I always call my mum the birthday Grinch, which is a horrible thing to call someone. But she's got like a vendetta against birthdays. Like she absolutely like, she just loves misery on a birthday. In what way? What do you mean? Her birthday or other people's birthdays? No, no, hers she likes. She's fine with that. Oh wow.

But I would get reminded like, or like, it would kind of, it's sort of a bit of a running joke that almost every year growing up she'd up well this is now you're an adult like this is the last year of presents well I hope you're not enjoying this too much because you've got a clean room tomorrow it would almost be like you clean up all this wrapping paper it's not staying here you know these balloons aren't staying it was literally like now you're in double figures you're 10 that's your last big birthday and then it's like now you're a teenager you're 13 don't expect anything like don't expect anything and then it's like now you're a teenager, you're 13, don't expect anything like don't expect anything and then it's like now you're 18 you're actually legally an adult so

birthdays stop now. I don't want any jip from you now. Yeah it's like birthdays are over. I've spent all this money on your present. And then it will be like, gosh you're 23 why are you still thinking about your birthday? I would like a cake. I would love one. I would love a cake. So I think I really really really like to... You like to make an effort. I like people to feel like a birthday is a nice thing. Like it doesn't need to be over the top or anything. But I really do think I would definitely grow up in a house where birthdays were underplayed. I would definitely say that much for sure. It's like nobody cares. But it's funny that she likes her own birthday. Well, then it would be like, oh well no one's coming back from my birthday are they? Yeah. Okay well yeah I'll come back.

Oh my god it's so good. Birthday Grinch? But it is the kind of thing where if you were the birthday Grinch to me we would have a conversation about it. Totally. Because the friendship can withstand a conversation. And also I care enough to progress in that way.

Like there are some things where you're with someone and you just think, I don't really care whether we're on the same page about this. But the terminology we've been using I think I just really want people to understand what we're saying. Do you think this is landing? I don't know. I have no clue. Yeah, like at this point are you like wait, what are they talking about? It's a double standard of like why does Lucy get away with this behavior blah blah blah. I even say hi in the wrong tone you're annoyed at me. oh these little things and then so on the other side of that some people have this certain there's

an enigma about a person they have like an untouchable aura where they're kind of shielded they're barmed they're so lovable or we expect so little of them I guess it works kind of shielded, they're barmed, they're so lovable, or we expect so little of them. I guess it works kind of both ways. Some people are either kind of so kind of shit that you expect them to be shit. And some people are just so lovable that when they are shit, we let it slide. I think that is also the difference

between the two situations we referred to of my friends in that situation. On one of them, it's almost like I don't think you could... I expect very little sort of thing so it's almost like oh I don't care to have that conversation I don't really mind if we're not on the same page. You can throw some things at me and it's kind of water off a duck's back. It's like alright, weird, I love you but whatever. God I sound horrible right weird i love you but whatever god i sound horrible truly do love you but truly also whatever no you don't sound horrible i mean i do

i do no no you don't because they were so they what was it that is the huge context yeah they were really like explicitly rude but also i'm not gonna say any of them no but yeah no it's like love you so much but truly i'm just gonna let it all slide. Yeah. Kind of out of disrespect for you, like kind of, it's not a nice thing that I'm letting it slide. It doesn't mean a good thing.

And then the other one is almost like- It's not with love. You know, that's not with love. Like it's kind of with, with just I'm happy to let that linger, like that doesn't matter to me in the same way that it would with other people. But the other friend is almost like,

I hold you in such esteem that I don't even notice when you're kind of mistreating me. Yes, fascinating. Until someone else points it out. Like that's kind of, that's the crazier one to me that's almost like, I think you just move through the world in a way that allows you to get away with doing that to people. There's a confidence to it and they're so lovable and almost anything they do

becomes endearing. Totally. Like anytime they um say something rude or anytime they misspeak or anytime they talk over you or turn up late or do whatever these are just hypothetical by the way. They're just lovable. Not to that person but yeah it becomes endearing and lovable it's like huh it's so funny when she forgets my birthday for example that's just what she's like and it adds to the some people have an air of um and that's the one that's more sinister to me i think it's really intriguing yeah i think that that's one that it's really hard to explain because they are it's an a-star friend, you know? that is an ace star friend. yeah it is, like it's someone that you don't, you're not even noticing it.

there's a lot of value placed on it. which is the kind of weird bit because it's like, you're not even in a position where you can stand up for yourself because it's something, it's like a personality trait. rather than a behaviour, i don't know, it's not really a behavior, it's like it's, oh I don't know. I had, I had, I have two theories here, one of them is legit and one of them is really embarrassing. I'll do the embarrassing one first.

So at one point on our dumpling day I was saying it's because they're blonde, if I was blonde I'd get away with it, okay? So I don't necessarily mean this but if you find uh humor or intrigue in that then you can just let that hit yeah at one point i thought we did see some theories that really back this up like we've got some theories that really some case studies even that really back up that theory and then there was some um contrary evidence conflicting evidence yeah so that's the work in progress as a theory. my brain does kind of just think generally like yeah, it's not real is it? but for a while there

I thought this theory was it had legs of just like if I had bleached my hair you would expect less of me because patriarchy you just would. yeah. and girls with brown hair get there's a different expectation. that sounds really mental. you guys get me. anyway, that was the dumb one, that was the silly one. my real theory is something about punching up and punching down. yes, and that is reflected in those for sure. maybe these, yeah, so for example the friend that's being rude or whatever, you kind of and this is where yeah you are gonna sound bad, you look down on them maybe and maybe they're a little bit threatened of you and so when they start punching...

I don't look down on them but I can see that that behaviour of what they were doing was coming from insecurity so I'm looking at that with like the context and the empathy of like I know where this is coming from. Yes. Whereas the other one, look I can't look down on you. No, no. They're really coming from a place of power and privilege and perfection and amazingness. So there's just a difference in how it's treated. And do you guys remember when I was like 15, I had somebody in my life who I would always say it was like, they were drowning and they were using my head to keep them afloat. Like we were out in the ocean and I'm kind of like,

you know, I'm doing my best, I'm not the strongest swimmer, I'm just out here trying to get by, whatever. And all of a sudden this person comes along and they're holding me under just so they can stay afloat because constantly every time I'm with them, it's like, I'll take the punches, I'll be your kind of like, what's it called? Like a punching bag.

Like a life jacket. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah. i'll take the brunt of your emotions because you're coming from a negative place. you're not feeling great. you need it. and you need it and you're punching up at me even though i'm not necessarily thriving but whatever. yeah but i don't think that's acceptable either. like you know it isn't acceptable but it definitely was let that was the that was the way that the dynamic worked that was the dynamic yeah so it's just intriguing. it is really intriguing because also as i'm sort of saying these things it's like oh yeah they just they just talk down on me like

that's kind of what it is. well when you vocalise it becomes a little bit deeper it's like oh when you acknowledge it it's like and i don't think it's that's reflective of what it is but i do think there are elements of that in relationships like where someone at their worst can slip into this behaviour that's really horrible yeah and I don't think it always needs to be addressed because if it is as we're saying a foundation friend or whatever which is really horrible but also I don't think.. but a C is still good you passed get out of here. You finished your maths UTSC. You passed. You're in. Let's go. It's not bad.

No it's actually not. It just doesn't mean that you get access to those upper levels. Like that's the shame of it. That if you do fall in that category of someone that is gonna act like that and sort of get away with it, it also means you don't get access to those. Yeah you have to be, well you're dangerous. I have to keep you at arm's length sometimes because I can't trust to bring you in. Yeah I'm not going to tell you the same things as I'm going to tell you or you know. No. Yeah I can't bring you in that close because you've got some sort of radiation. You've got some sort of nuclear component that is dangerous to me and that's just, that's actually fine. Like, I think we said in the last episode as well, like sometimes it's just the relationship just is what it is today

and it might be different next year. It could be different two years ago. And it could be different, it just is what it is today and that is fine. Totally. I think that's also a really important thing to say because I feel like someone listening to this who maybe if you did sort of Get on board with the analogy. I don't know how many We got hanging on if you did get on board with the analogy I don't want the last thing I want is sort of someone being like Categorizing their friends and being like I think that receive friend. I think they're like

Active thought it's really important to be fluid with all of these things and in so many points i think it's actually like a meaning of life and like just the nature of friendship that you will trust the wrong people sometimes sometimes a friend will like misstep like overstep a boundary and like you'll think oh god i or sometimes you will be the friend that said that does the wrong thing and be like oh fuck i just literally fucked that person over oh my god this or like i just said something rude and blah blah blah. this is all the point of all of it. i don't think because someone.. one day you think okay that person i don't trust them right now does not mean that you won't trust

them in a month or a year or whatever. or that they don't still make you laugh or you can't still go to the cinema tomorrow. totally. it's all fluid. it's so fluid. and yeah it's not about grading people, foundation, friends and all. And yeah, it's not about grading people, foundation, friends, and all of this stuff. It's not about that. It's just sometimes noticing the difference, having an awareness of, am I letting you get away with stuff

that I probably shouldn't? Maybe. Or like, hang on, are you being a bit too critical? Are you being a bit harsh on me? Are you expecting too much of me? Maybe. Like, it's just about showing some interest in the different dynamics that form because I think so much of me? Maybe. Like, it's just about showing some interest in the different dynamics that form

because I think so much of friendship as well is just habit. Like so much of things is just, like we build up a habit of like talking all the time or like vocalizing certain things or it's a good habit for us to be in. Whereas some friends, it's just like, I'm in the habit of only talking about work with you

or only talking about your boyfriend with you. only do you know what I mean it's just certain dynamics get set and sometimes nice to shake the jelly of it a little bit and be like anything else lurking around in here yeah it's fine yeah but I was annoyed I was in a I was in a mood and I was like why am I being critiqued so harshly get me off this freaking pedestal. I'm not.. perfect. I'm not perfect and also I haven't done anything wrong. but anyway. yeah. anyway. alright that's lovely. I like that. I hope that hit it. it really did. do you know what it's one of the things. it hits for me. over dumplings it hits so hard now all of a sudden it feels like it's not really hitting it. it's a bit silly actually. when you put a microphone on it suddenly it's a bit like, oh does that make sense? Whilst we were sort of eating the most delightful food of all time it all just made the perfect silence.

I thought this was literally the most ground shifting conversation I'd ever heard the other day. But now in my room in the rain, surrounded by half packed things it sort of sounds a bit worse. It's a bit like, hmmm, don't know if that's going to work for anyone but if it does let us know please. And if it doesn't don't let us know. No. Just keep that quiet. Just keep that to yourself. Alright.

Well we'll see you in the next episode where we'll be talking about you guys. I definitely enjoy that. Or like you know we'll be hearing from you. Yeah. Okay stunning. Cool. Well if you don't hear from us, assume the worst. Assume the worst.

Assume the worst. to us.