Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Confidence Isn't Feeling Good. Confidence is Self-Trust.

Episode Date: September 26, 2023

When your kid comes home from school and declares "I'm the worst at math" or, "everyone is better at gymnastics than me", you might think that you can teach them to believe in themselves with some words of encouragement. But confidence doesn't come from the outside. True confidence comes from feeling good enough inside. This week, Dr. Becky talks to a mom who is doing all the right things to teach her son to believe in himself but it just isn’t working.Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/48kbA0mFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastTo listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategyToday’s episode is brought to you by SEED: When kids are in a picky eating stage, one of the things that goes out the window is fiber - which is really important for regular bowel movements and the gut microbiome. 95% of children and adults in the U.S. don’t reach their daily recommended fiber intake. And it can be especially tricky to get enough fiber into the diets of picky eaters. With one serving of Seed’s PDS-08, your child is getting a third of their recommended daily fiber intake. You can just pour the pre-portioned sachets of naturally sweet powder into yogurt, a smoothie, milk — or whatever works for your family. Everyone wins: you don’t feel as stressed and your child gets all the benefits of a healthy gut — and, to be honest, more regular, easier poops! Use code GOODINSIDE for 20% off your first month of Seed's PDS-08 Daily Synbiotic + Free Shipping.

Um, Dr. Becky, and this is good inside. So your kid comes home from school, or gymnastics, or baseball, and tells you that they just can't do it. It's too hard, and everyone else in their class is better at the thing than they are. Well, this week, I'm talking to a mom who has been doing all the right things to teach her son to believe in himself and it still isn't working. And I think what triggered probably my worry was my son was like placed into a like gifted and talented pre-programmed. He struggled with it and he told me

He struggled with it. And he told me, I'm the worst in the class. I always finished last. I'm dumb. I don't want to be in this class. And I think he was a custom to being kind of like the first one in his class. Being finished, being praised for doing well.

And once he was placed in the class, he felt like he was the worst out of this group of other children. We'll be back right after this. Not much matters more than helping our kids develop confidence. And the way I see it, confidence comes from watching yourself work hard, tap into your creativity, and do things you might not always do. So if confidence is where we want our kids to get to, what is a tool to get them there? Well, KiwiCo is a tool to develop confidence. Each month, my kid gets a box delivered right to them with a hands-on project designed to spark creativity

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My name is Christine. I have two boys, ages eight and six. I'm a, I guess, recent COVID stay at home mom, prior to that I was working. And so I'm now very involved in the day-to-day lives of my boys. And I've noticed with my older son in particular, he is very hard on himself. I've noticed it in academics, and I've also noticed it in sports, but like it really has to do with confidence, I think. And I'm not really sure why he is so

hard on himself. I really try our best to kind of emphasize like effort and feeling good about yourself having a good time. like sports is not about being the best and same thing with school. It's like learning is a process. It should be fun. It should be engaging. Like you should have lots of questions, be curious. But really, I'm kind of at a loss for how to handle a kid

who is very bright, but at the first sign of any struggle, kind of shuts down. So I feel you. And also what I'm hearing is I feel like, Christine, you're like feeding growth mindset to him. You're like, I am feeding you. Do you know what I mean? You're like, I am giving you the stuff. Like, I know it. It's about the process, not the product. It's about the learning and not the outcome. And I do it and I do it.

And he's like, yeah, I'm not buying it. It's like so frustrating. Right? Because like, I'm not even going to go over that. Right? Because you're like, I've read it. Like, I've read the book. I've done the workshops. I've done the things, right? And so, I'm not even going to go over that, right? Because you're like, I've read it. Like, I've read the book, I've done the workshops, I've done the things, right?

And so, you're not asking this, okay? But I just want to say it from the start in case it's in there somewhere. Like, this is not your fault. And this is not something you've caused in it. What's your reaction to that? Thank you for saying that. I believe you.

I honestly think to myself, Thank you for saying that. I believe you. I honestly think to myself, I know that that's true, but I also know that me, myself, I'm very hard on myself. And that's what makes me, I think, more nervous about the situation. Like, I feel like, oh, this kid is very similar to me, and I can see it. And how can I pull him out of that before he develops issues with confidence and with comparing himself to others

and particularly in the academic world. And so I know it's not my fault, but at the same time, I'm like, oh, it's me. It's been passed down. It's innate. And if I hear you, and I think there is this nuance, like I owe a FNZ to parents, what's going on with your kid isn't your fault. And as the leader of a family system, it's our responsibility to figure

out what's going on. And then to think about what's in our control to change, to shift a system kind of slightly to help our kid. Right? So I think that's like that line where I actually really do believe both are true. What our kid struggles with isn't our fault. And because we're the leader, it is our responsibility to figure out what comes next. Does that difference make sense? Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I like that differentiation. And I think that's something I would say to yourself a lot. And I actually find it's very empowering instead of freezing. Like, you know, to me, like, it's my fault. And I gave this to my kid, and I'm really hard on myself. And I'm gonna be a psychopraker. Oh, no, it didn't happen. I failed.

I struggled, right? Like, I didn't do that. That's one perspective. And it's very freezing. To me, it feels very different than, okay, this thing's going on with my kid. Ooh, this is my responsibility, not from a heavy way, almost like an opportunity.

Like, I'm the leader. I have this opportunity to figure out what's going on and make some shifts. And if I make a few shifts in the system, my child will inherently make shifts as well, because that's what happens in any system, right? A partnership system, a work system, a family system, when one person in a system

makes a change or change or something, everyone responds. It's kind of like the beauty of working in a system. And so first things first, give me a little bit of insight into what you named. You said, I'm really hard on myself for, I don't know if that was a big emphasis in your family, kind of these things if that was a big emphasis in your

family, kind of these things that you're trying to shift with your son. Yeah, so I grew up where my parents were very focused on academics. And I think early on, I did well, I did well. And maybe this is triggering in the sense that there's like gifted and talented programs in elementary school. I was in one and my parents were very excited for me. And then as time progressed, like throughout middle school, I wasn't as strong academically and I struggled. And so net net, I ended up like from an outsider perspective.

They would consider me academically successful. But amongst my siblings, relative to me and my siblings, I always am like, oh I wasn't the smart one, I wasn't the best at school. But if I pull back from an outsider perspective, I'm like, actually, I did pretty well for myself. Like, I ended up like doing very well in school relative to the general population, but I am very hard myself because of that. And I don't think my parents weren't very strict or mean about it in any sense, but it was this, you have so much potential, you could do so much more. If you just tried a little harder, you would be like a top student kind of situation. And I think that's my background coming in and I think what triggered probably my worry, was my son was like placed into a like gifted and talented pre-program

which seems ridiculously early to be starting in second grade. But he struggled with it. He told me, I'm the worst in the class. I always finished last. I'm dumb. I don't want to be in this class. And I think he was accustomed to being kind of like the first one in his class, being finished, being praised for doing well. And once he was placed in the class, he felt like he was the worst out of this group of other children. And Christine, what happens for you when you hear that,

or even when you say that out loud now, you're hearing these words, I'm so dumb, I'm the worst. What happens inside you? Oh, I feel horrible for him. I'm like, well, why would a child be so hard on himself? Why is he comparing himself to other kids? And in our house, we try our best not to do that, but he innately does it. And those are things that I know I would say to myself. And you know, I know you love to talk about

inner voice. And how can we kind of help set our children up for success in what their inner voices. And you know, I, despite my efforts, I'm concerned what his inner voice is. And, you know, I, despite my efforts, I'm concerned what his inner voice is telling you. Mm-hmm. He gets caught in the part of the arc where he says to himself, like, he just kind of gets stuck. I'm so dumb or I'm the worst, right?

And it sounds similar to what you were saying. You're like, I used to compare myself to my siblings a lot, it's easier to look around and do that. So when he's comparing himself to others, I'm so dumb or I'm the stupidest one, what do you tend to say back to him? I usually say, do you think that's true?

And when he pulls back, he says, I mean, no, but I am the slowest and the class is hard. And so we walk through like, what does that mean? Like, is being the fastest, the most important thing. Like, if something's hard, what can we do about it? Can you ask the teacher for help? you know he tells me all the problems with that but. So and all of that I mean this Christian sounds like such beautiful interventions and comes from the right place and actually like I could see actually that totally being helpful only because you're saying this is still so much on your mind and seems so much on his mind I want to share kind of an additional intervention just to keep in your back pocket.

Okay. So there's this voice your son has. This voice that says, I'm so dumb, I'm the worst, I'm last, I'm slowest, whatever it is. Okay. The truth is it's all from the same part of him, right? It's like, I don't know what we want to call it, but it's like the, I'm the worst at everything.

I'm no good part. I don't know, something like that. Often as a parent when we see that in our kid, a natural inclination, it's like stop. You know, like what is stop? We don't wanna hear that voice. Like we wanna hear the voice in our kid that says, this is hard and I can do it.

Or, wow, I'm even in the GIFs and talented program, mom, how amazing am I? You know, I feel really good about myself, right? And we do often look to kind of logic our kid out of the, I'm not good at anything voice, as a way of kind of thinking, maybe we can get them into the, oh, I actually do feel kind of confident

and grounded voice. Is that making sense so far? Yes. Okay. So here's the intervention that's evolved different. And it comes from this understanding that thing our kids need help with more than anything else is actually learning how to talk to and relate to

all the different voices they have in themselves. Not make their way out of the painful voices and into the easier, more confident ones. Okay, so if I take that and put into action, I'm just gonna model something. Okay, I'm gonna be you and you're gonna be your son. Okay, how was class today? Horrible. I finished last. I'm so dumb.

Okay, so that's right. There's that I'm so dumb voice again, huh? What might he say? But it's true. Like, listen, sweetie, I know this sounds kind of complicated, but you are a pretty smart kid, so I think you can get it. I believe you that when that voice speaks up,

it really is convincing of how true it is. I believe you. I'm just gonna play this out. So you're saying, it's not true. I'm not saying that. And this is where Chris, you need the opportunity to do something really powerful. I'm going to play out this role, play a little bit.

Let's actually zoom out. Let's pause this for a moment. Sounds like today was tough. Happy to get back to that. But I don't know if you and I have ever really talked about something that's super important. And that we really have in common. And this is where you can get some

intrigue building from kids. I always do, I don't know. I mean, usually I want to talk to about a kid till they're like 10 and you're only eight. I mean, kind of usually keep it to myself. It is kind of complicated. And I just haven't talked to that many people about it. What do you think he'll do if you kind of have that that entrance? Super entry. A hundred percent. Aren't you? You're even like Becky, what are you about to say? I gotta know, right? It's like such a good way of, you know, getting a twin, they're almost tweens attention.

Okay, you know, we all, and you can either say voice or part, it doesn't really matter. We all have different parts of us. We all have different voices in us, and that's normal. Everyone has them. And I know I have a voice in me that when something's hard, what the voice says isn't,

this is hard, or this is a challenge. You want to know what the voice says? It says, I'm so dumb, or it says, I'm the worst, or it says, I'm the stupidest, or sometimes it even says, I can't do this anymore. I'm just totally done. I can't be the side of the belong to be. I don't deserve to be here. I don't belong. I don't know. I'm just done.

I have that voice. And here's something I think is interesting. I think you have that voice too. I also know we're not the only two. There's actually a lot of people that have that voice. And if it's relevant, do you have a partner? So you can say, that parent has that voice, or Aunt Susie has that voice whoever it is, right? But I'm going to pause there.

How do you think he might react to that? I think he would feel very seen. I think it's interesting. I've tried that tactic with telling stories about what was I like or things like that. And it makes like me seem much more human and much more like relatable. And I love that idea. And it's so interesting. I know about this inner voice. And I'm always I think about it. But I've actually never talked to my son about it. About like you have an inner voice.

Yeah. And like kind of like we all do, right? And look, you could share this image with him. It's interesting. I actually have to recommend drawing it out. Let me tell you, I'm literally the worst artist in the world. So artistic talent not required. Okay. But between you and I right now, Christine, when we think about parts, okay, there's a couple of images we can think about. One of them is like, you're the driver of a car. And in the passenger, there's a lot of parts of us. There's a lot of voices, okay? And when a voice comes up, that's annoying.

Our instinct often is to like try to kick it out of the car, like even if we're on the highway, or like get out of here, you know, we only want the nice voices. But the truth is, we can't kick any voice out of the car, okay, we just can't. And so what happens if we can't kick any voice out of the car. Okay, we just can't. And so what happens if we don't talk to a voice in the passenger seat is just like kind of an annoying toddler. They get louder and louder and louder.

And then before we know it, they're in the driver seat. And the thing to know about our parts or our voices is none of them are bad. The only thing that ends up working against us is if any part of us takes over the driver's seat, because then we've lost control. And I think when we hear our kids say stuff, like, I'm so stupid. And of course, it's so natural. We're like, get out of here! Like, because also we look at our kids, like, you're the most amazing human in the world. Like, you're so spectacular. So, it's dissonant to us.

Right. But given we can't ever get rid of our feelings or thoughts, we also wouldn't want to because they actually have, they're often misguided, but at their core, they have useful information for us. Probably at the core, he's saying, I feel insecure or I'm not so sure about this. It's just gotten heightened. And as long as we talk to a passenger in our car, it will stay as a passenger. Because when you talk to a part of you, you are inherently reifying the fact that it's a part,

because it's me becky talking to this part, as opposed to the part taking over becky. And so I want you, you know, in some way, is to rethink of your goal as my goal is not to get rid of this voice and my sound. Yes, it's actually hugely relieving. It's like, oh, all right, okay. Anything besides getting rid of it is probably easier.

My goal is to help my son develop a relationship with it. Over time, to start to anticipate when it's gonna come. That is like the money move when you're like, you know what, before math, I have a feeling my I'm so stupid voice is gonna come up. I wonder if it's gonna come up at problem two or problem five. I'm going to make a little bit with myself. It's going to be five. Oh, it was two. Huh. You know, you beat me. You were earlier than expected. Like it's now, I know of a totally different relationship with it. And as soon as we start talking to a part of us,

it doesn't make decisions for us anymore. Right, when that part becomes the driver, it gets off the highway. Because I'm so stupid, I don't deserve to drive, I can't be in this class. As long as we can be in a class or working on a project, and we're able to say, oh, there's the I'm stupid voice again. Hello, I see you. It is a completely different experience.

I'm literally able to continue in the driver's seat. Maybe I'm just gonna say, okay, you know what? You're allowed to be there. I know. I also have other voices. I also have a Amakidu does hard things voice. And lots of different stuff going on. I'm just gonna do my next math problem

and see what happens, right? And now because I'm in a relationship with that part, it completely kind of diffuses it. Hey good insiders, so sometimes with parenting, a podcast does the trick. And sometimes with parenting, we need a bit more. And I wanted to be sure you knew that we're set up to help you in those trickier times. The good inside membership platform is your parenting and psychopedia, coupled with a community of parents and experts you trust,

which means that no matter what you're going through, we've got you covered. And then we take it a step further, because I know that we're people who don't just want to solve a problem and return to baseline. We want to raise our baselines, right? And this is what we really do together. Reduce triggers, learn to set boundaries, and access that sturdy leader that I know is inside all of us. It's all there when you're looking for that next step.

And until then, please do check out goodinside.com slash podcast. Scroll down to the Ask Dr. Becky section at the bottom and let me know what you want to talk about in future podcast episodes. So for those of you who have kids who give up easily, tend to avoid doing things they don't know that they'll be good at, or scream, I can't do it! Whenever things get challenging, you are not alone. And I hope you check out the same workshop I ended up recommending to Christine when we spoke after the recording. And that's the frustration tolerance workshop. Okay, let me explain because I know that's not a common phrase.

Learning anything new is frustrating, and most kids give up or scream I can't do it, simply because they haven't yet developed frustration, tolerance, skills, our ability to tolerate the frustration that comes along with learning. Frustration tolerance is the skill kids need to learn to read, to do math, to take turns, to wait, to not give up when things get hard. And the benefits of frustration tolerance show up in academics, in friendships, in generosity, and in patience. That's pretty solid, right? You can see why this workshop is such a favorite. You can find the frustration tolerance workshop and so much more at goodinside.com

or by following the link in the show notes. Christine, do you want to know something I immediately love about you, even though I can't see you? Should I want to say? you're a note taker. Oh, you can hear me? And I love it. Like, I love it.

I love it. Okay, because you're like me, like when I'm in a meeting that feels really important and I don't write down things, I'm like, this is amazing. This is amazing. I walk in the room and I'm like, I literally remember nothing about what happened. Like it's somewhere deep in my body, but it's not accessible at all.

So, note, take away. I'm loving it. So, town, but I am curious because I think this will bring up some like highlights and things to hold on to. What resonates? What was worthy of note taking there? What feels like something? Oh, I could do that or that feels like me. That feels like it could be useful. I mean, I love the analogy you have of this driver versus passenger. I think the kids can really, both of my kids could really understand this concept. And I was just imagining sitting at a table being like, oh, what would, like innately as a driver, who are you as a person? And like kind of painting this picture of like who they are and letting them join in. And then on the side, talk about other passengers that are in the car and talk about how they

interact based on what you said. Because it's true. You can't suppress feelings. They're always there. And I can tell from my son, they will always be there. And he just has to learn how to kind of control it, anticipate it. I love the anticipating it. Because I can see myself doing that.

Because as an adult, I think I've learned to suppress that voice and build confidence. But it took a long time to get there, I think. And I love this kind of visual illustration that I can literally draw out for them and talk to them about. And I would, right? Anytime we make something kind of nebulous and confusing, concrete, it immediately becomes easier. This is why we make lists, right? We're like, I have so much to do, and you're like, I just made a list and I feel better, even though I didn't check anything off, because it's palpable, we can represent it.

Part of why feelings are so hard to deal with is actually because they don't have a concrete marker, right? When you fall down and you scrape your knee, I mean, nobody loves blood, but it's useful. You're like, look, what happened to my knee? Like, I see it. When you're overwhelmed with feeling less than, or when you're worried, oh, am I not smart enough to be here?

Part of actually what's so hard to deal with is that, on some level, you know I'm having an intense visceral reaction, but it's very confusing. And so for your son to have, truly, it's like a mental model, but it's also a concrete model for like, this is what's happening right now. Right? Because once you have that car and you're already making this extension, which I love,

but there's so many things you can play around with. Because another thing I could see you saying, right, after you kind of develop this and let me be clear, I would not like put this all on him all at once. He's going to be like, mom, this was like, this wasn't tense, you know? So like, give it a few days. I'd be like, you know what I've realized about my car when something's hard. Definitely I have that, I'm stupid. Voice, loud in the passenger. I actually do think, okay.

I do think deep in there. There's this other voice that says, okay. Like for me, she says, Becky, you can do it. She says, Christine, this is hard, and I can do hard things. I just think the om's stupid voice is like so loud that she just like drowns her out, but you know what, I'm drawing her into my car.

I'm gonna cry now, Christine. I'm drawing her into my car because like, you know, sometimes we just know something's there, even though we can't hear it, but we know it's there. Like, I know she's there, and I have a feeling. I have a feeling he's there for you too. If we really think about what is confidence, there's so many different ways we could define it. But if we're using this car visual, to me, confidence is the driver who's able to feel like themselves and feel sturdy as a driver

with the widest range of passengers. Confidence isn't the driver who says, I feel like a really good driver only when I have someone in my back you know seat saying you've got it you've got it you're a great driver you know like I still it's not as fun and it's not as easy but I still do feel like it's kind of okay to be me driving even when there's other stuff going on in the vaccine. I don't feel like I need to exit or maybe I have to pause, but I don't feel like I kind of disintegrate.

I think that's really what confidence is, right, because fast forward. Your son, hopefully one day, will put himself in a position where he's surrounded by people who are saying lots of things. He doesn't understand. He's like, well, these people are really smart in this room where he's surrounded by people who are saying lots of things. He doesn't understand. He's like, wow, these people are really smart in this room.

Or he is going to, you know, be assigned, I don't know, something at work where his first thought is, I don't, I've never done this before. I don't know if I can do this, right? Like, those are going to be passengers in his car forever. And to me, like, one of the best gifts we can give our kid is by the time they're out of our house. To some level, they have practice in being able to say, oh, hi. I see you.

You've been a passenger here before, and I know I can kind of keep driving. I love that definition of confidence because when you originally said it, like how do you define confidence? I was like, I have no idea how you would describe confidence. And I think that's really it. Like someone who feels like sturdy with everything.

Yeah. They have inside of them the good and the bad. That's exactly right. Like I always kind of like alternate definitions, because it's hard to pin down such an important topic, but one of them I think is feeling like it's okay to be us with the widest range of feelings and thoughts that we have. You know, some are on enjoyable,

so like, oh, it's okay to be me. Like it's okay for your son to be him doubting himself. Like that's okay. And I think another simpler way to think about confidence, and this is, you know, really the thing I like to run with and give a lot of strategies around, is confidence isn't feeling good, confidence is self-trust.

And I think, you know, when your son says to you these things, when you're able to help him relate to that voice instead of get out of it, it's almost like saying to him, like, I trust you that you really are hearing those words inside you. So like, let's just call a spade a spade and figure out how to deal with it.

To some degree, when we try to convince our kid out of the feelings or thoughts they're having, we're kind of saying to them, never meaning to, like, I don't trust you. I don't trust that that's real. Tell me what feels kind of most actionable or usable. What do you see as the next thing? You know, what do you feel like, oh, I'm feeling it tonight.

I'm going to make a move with my son. I'm going to do this thing. I really think it's the car analogy. I think this idea that you can, that they all coexist coexist in one space, everything can coexist, and kind of like you're in control of which ones are in the driver's seat. And I think just being able to acknowledge that those feelings are there, I never thought of it like you said, it's like when something is hard, that undone voice comes out. And I mean logically I understand that,

but it's like, oh yeah, every time something hard comes up, that's what he says to himself. And like how do you, they're also kids who I know, they say a mantra of like I can do hard things. We've learned it from you, Dr. Becky. And I regularly will say, like, who can do hard things here? And they'll both say, I can.

And we'll give examples of things that they've been able to overcome. And they do have that voice inside them. And I forget that that is the answer to the opposite that they're having. Like, it's actually because something's hard that they're saying that they're done. And the kind of opposite voice of that is that I can do hard things voice. Yeah. Sometimes that voice could stround out, you know, so we've got to deal with the voice above it. And this is that voice. I think I really mean those Christians.

I can tell I feel really confident in your ability to start to make that way on this with him. And I mean that. Like I can feel it in you. I feel confident. I trust you. I have a ton of hope that this is like going to, I think you're going to do this with him. You're like, wow, I just, I I have a ton of hope that this is, I think you're gonna do this with him,

you're like, wow, I just, I felt like a shift. Like, I feel movement here in a different way. Yes, yes, thank you, Dr. Becky. Well, you are so welcome, I'm so excited for you. I also need things to be spelled out super simply. Most of us do, you know. So please do circle back, let us know how it goes. And I feel like this is like a really great moment

and kind of next up in the journey of confidence building with our kids. Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com slash podcast. You could also write me at podcast at goodinside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world. And parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered, confident, and connected.

I'm so excited to share good inside membership. The first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like valued parents. It's totally game-changing. Good inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julianette and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Eric Obelsky, Mary Panico, and the rest of the good inside team.

And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside. you