Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Deep Dive: Myleik Teele on What No One Tells You About Parenthood

Episode Date: December 7, 2021

Becoming a parent is really hard. And part of what makes it hard is the unrealistic narrative about what parenthood should feel like. In this Deep Dive episode, Dr. Becky has a real, raw, say-it-how-it-is discussion about parenthood with one of her favorite new friends, Myleik Teele, a multi-hyphenate career woman, mom, and founder of CURLBOX. Myleik and Dr. Becky don’t hold anything back: They share their experiences of their transitions to parenthood, why the first year is so hard, and what they wish people told them before becoming mothers. The two walk through creating an “emotional registry” that goes beyond swaddles, bottles, and toys to consider *your* needs as a person, not just a parent. They talk honestly about what you may lose when you bring a new child into your family. And they share scripts for talking with your partner, so you can enter parenthood feeling connected. While no podcast episode can single-handedly make parenthood any easier, this one will help you feel less alone in all the tricky moments that are sure to come. Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3cqgG2A Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Order Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books. For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast

You're listening to Good Inside with Dr. Becky. And this is quite the episode. My leaked teal and I talk about all the things we wish people told us about the early stages of parenthood, plus share our personal experiences as new moms. All of this and more right after a word from our sponsors. If you're like most parents, I know you're busy. The last thing we want after a long day is to plant in our shop for ingredients and cook, while trying to do a million other things at the same time, just to put the food in front

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use the code GoodInsideVIP at checkout. Hi, I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can. With the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain good inside.

I couldn't be more excited for today's deep dive guest, MyLeak Teal. MyLeak is the founder of Curlbox, a serial entrepreneur, a mother of two young kids, and an all around amazing human being. My leak and I met through Instagram, and we've had countless conversations about motherhood, partnership, and cycle breaking. I truly feel honored to call my leak a friend, and I know that every time I talk with her, I will learn something new, reframe something in a new way, become impassioned to make change, and without a doubt laugh until I'm crying.

So with that in mind, let's jump in. Hi, my leak. Hi, Dr. Becky. I hope all my days involve conversations with you. I feel like we've had a good run the last couple of days. We have. It's been yes. Yes.

Tell everyone who you are. Okay. My name is my leak teal. I am a serial entrepreneur, community builder. I've found the decompanied curlbox, which is a subscription service for Curls. And I am a new mom of two, three years old and one. And I met Dr. Becky on Instagram during the pandemic, like most of us. How did we connect first? Do you remember? I think you shared something. One of my favorite things is when you talk about sort of like sturdy leadership and how you know you're on an

airplane and your kids are yelling, you're yet, it's like what are we doing? And I reposted this. I think I reposted it. And I think a ton of my followers shared it. And then I think you DM me like, oh my goodness. Like, you sent a lot of people my way today. And I think we started DMing. And then we had a, we facetimeed. And I started checking out some of your workshops. And the repair repairing one just,

I was watching it, the kids are yelling, the TV's on and I'm listening to it. Like this is it. This is it. How can I share Dr. Becky with everyone in my world? Well, I love sharing you now with all these people in my world and you are one of the sturdiest leaders I know and I feel so drawn to you for that just energy

you have inside you and that you share. So I know we could talk about a million things, but I know we talked a little bit before this about, kind of like, how are we preparing ourselves for parenthood? And I know me and you joke, it's like, I love bye-bye baby, but like, we're not gonna be talking about the registry of bye bye baby. We're not, we're not.

And I spent so much time on my first registry. I had like 200 things on it and I got most of it. And it's like, I mean, I spent months on it. And so we joke like this is not about what you're getting. This is not about your registry. This is not about what prenatal you're taking. This is about the stuff that I wish someone had seriously talked to me about. And I don't know what prevents a lot of other women from sharing it. I

know that there is the shame around saying that this is tough. And so I think we should talk about it. You and I had I talked to you on the phone about it. And I was like, there are a lot of people that are pre-parents and who are interested in you for the reparenting and the pre-parenting and I want to talk to you about self, what happens to you as an individual. You know, it's all about your birth plan and it's like, but what about you after this? What about your relationship, the couple, and the baby, because it gets wild. Yeah, it's, I don't know why I'm thinking about

this conversation that we just started, we're gonna have as the emotional registry. Ooh, right? The emotional registry, and what are you putting? Like, what do you need? Yeah, and how much time do you need to spend on that? Because it's probably more than whatever time you need in the product registry. Yeah, definitely. So let's start using our time, let's start the emotional registry. Okay. The transition to parenthood. Okay. Let's talk about the self. And I think the biggest thing you said

is just this deep sense of loss. It's the best way to start because we expect the opposite. Wait, loss, did you miss what I, I don't know, having a baby, that's plus one, right? Right. And you're like, yeah, yeah, no, no, me and you both had the plus one and the plus two. I have the plus three. And a hundred hundred percent this is a two things are true there is a lot we gain when we have a baby yeah and there's a lot we lose or that we have to fight to keep what did you have

to fight to keep or what when you think about that what do I what do I still have to fight to keep it was so tough for me because I didn't expect to not know myself at all. Like I didn't expect to just feel like I was constantly standing outside of myself. Like not even, you know, sometimes it's like it's the physical changes, but it's just this thing of like this schedule now,

you know, the crying. It's like, I didn't realize how much I should have valued how quiet my house was. And so it's like, it's the crying, it's the feeding, it's the schedule, is he getting enough sleep, his brain development, and then this constant prep for the next stage. And it's just like, where am I in this? And I promised myself, Dr. Becky, that I wasn't going to become

like super mom, you know, everything about me is not going to be about being a mom. I am going to be my own woman. I will get back in my heels. I will wear my jeans. And it was this constant daily fight of like, but my feet hurt. I can't. Yes. And just for everyone listening, right, I know my leak and I, this is not like a fear episode. This is not like don't, don't do it, you know? No, no. No, but knowledge is power.

And I always think that feelings are hard enough to deal with, that if we layer on surprise or, oh, I didn't know I was going to feel this way or is this normal or nobody told me this or nobody talks about this. So I must be weird or a bad mom to be feeling this way. If we add any of those elements to the already hard feelings, well, that's what balloons them into impossible feelings. So for everyone listening, this is meant to help you prepare. So when inevitably hard moments come, or we're gonna get more into this idea of what really feels lost, or what do I have to fight to keep. At least you'll be able to

say to yourself, I totally remember two moms talking about this. So I'm right there next to them. Okay, this feeling stinks and it's hard. And there's nothing wrong with me for feeling it. Yes. And there's nothing wrong with me for feeling it. Yes, because you'll look on social and you'll see everyone looking happy. And it's like, why is that not my experience? Exactly. So this idea of loss, right? Loss of quiet. Loss of, loss of time. Time. What was I doing with my time? My husband and I are always joking. We were on the subway one day.

And we were like, with our baby, like going somewhere, doing a million different things. And we were looking at each other, being like, what did we use to do on the weekend? Right? And we were like, I feel like we did like brunch and shopping. Like is that what, I feel like that's made up like eight hours. I don't even know.

Like, we go get eggs and we'd like peruse a store. Like, what happened to that? What happened? Yes. So, and it's not to say you can't do that, but what does that require? Yes. Planning a nap schedule.

A sense of, okay, well, the baby might wake up if the baby's with me. Can I ask a parent, do I have a parent nearby? Do I have anybody I can trust? Oh, I don't. Like, it involves so much. And it's important when you have a baby and you have that weekend to be prepared for my weekends feel really different. And I can love my baby and miss having brunch. I can love being a mom and miss the quiet. I can love feeding my child and miss the time when I had no responsibility to feed anyone else, but myself, both are true.

And we don't have to feel bad about that, right? And the more we can get in that mindset in advance, I'm just gonna have many feelings and they're gonna be mixed. It's not gonna be all from the good, amazing bucket. And I think you're right, there's this glamourization of, oh, my baby means everything. So we really need, it's like stop.

It just stopped, just stopped, right? Yeah, totally. Sometimes I'm like, I'm just glad you've established, that's not exactly my vibe. I'm just glad you've established, like, that's not exactly like my vibe. I'm just not gonna spend more time in the like, parenting is just amazing space. Like, we've established that because parenting is amazing and parenting is so hard and becoming a parent

really means that the things that used to feel good for us, just us, we have to really make efforts to preserve that. So, my leak, what would you tell a mom? And it's not always this concrete, but the first couple weeks, if they know they're going to have some loss, how can they preserve something that's theirs or for them? Something that I did the second time around because I didn't know that it was the loss was going to be so strong is that I really had a plan going into the second child and I really managed sort of like who I wanted around, how often I wanted them there, I had like the food already, I hired, and I recognize the privilege in this,

but I made sure that I had my food planned because I had someone come who did the grocery shopping, who there was just always food for me and the refrigerator that I didn't, you know, I didn't have to do anything, but either heated or heated salads. And I even planned for postpartum massage just, you know, trying really hard to just ground myself. And truthfully, and then I just broke some of the rules, you know, I think I was just like, you have this long list of, I think motherhood, there's this laundry list of, do this and don't do that. This is okay,

but this is not okay. And I was like, you know, I've kept the first one alive. I think I'm going to really do what I think is going to work for me. And I did. And I just remember something else that I did is I you know this that I've been in therapy weekly for nearly a decade and I just kept my sessions and so I it was just like you're responsible for the baby when I have this 45 minutes and some of my skin out on my front porch zooming with my therapist and I remember her giving me like I'll never forget this compliment and son of my skin out on my front porch zooming with my therapist. And I remember her giving me, I'll never forget this compliment.

She's like, you look like the most well-rested new mom I've ever seen. And I'm like, because I am serious about this this time around. Yes, having time for yourself after you've had a child is a battle, especially when they're a baby and they're so unpredictable.

So especially with your first kid, right? The idea that, oh, if I want to eat a salad, if I wanna have a bite of a sandwich, that actually might be hard to do sitting down by myself. Right? And so, is it therapy? Is it taking a walk? I think often about how many people want to get you baby gifts.

And for everyone right now to think, should I be saying those people, honestly, I'd rather you sign up for a day and bring me a meal. Yes. Maybe I'd rather that, or I'm going to ask half the people, do I really need the this toy and the that toy? Right? If I can't afford to have someone cook my meals, could I tell someone that's actually what I would like as a gift? Right? A day can't afford to have someone cook my meals, could I tell someone that's actually what I would like

as a gift, right? A day of dinner. Yes. And then I don't have to worry about it. So I can get that time to myself. So I don't have so much loss because now instead of, oh no, what am I gonna eat? Yes.

I might be able to take a long shower. Yes. I might be able to watch a TV show, not while feeding. Just me watching a TV show with nobody else, right? And thinking in advance, I actually think about all the babyguess I got that if someone else had given me something that kind of sustained me and that would have allowed me to take that walk or watch that show or do something else really just for me, maybe exercise. Uh, that would have given me so much more.

But I think something we should, I wanted to say and definitely get your thoughts on this, is that there is something about motherhood that I think the, the idea of sacrifice, that you're not a good mother if you're not running yourself, rag it and like letting people know it, you know, I'm running, I'm doing laundry, I'm doing this, I'm doing that. And I know that there is a level of guilt around like you should never look relaxed or you should never look refreshed.

Like you should look like you're struggling because that's kind of what it is. And so how do you, you know, I've seen some new moms who were like, yep, the babies with grandma and I'm wanted to spa, you know, and people you can see in the comments of like, you know, this is crazy. One time, Dr. Becky, before you ever met me and I had my first kid, I kind of just wrote about how I was taking care of myself and how I think I left him I think he was maybe two three months and I maybe went for like a day to

Out of town and someone emailed me Someone emailed me like how dare you leave your kid behind When you beg to have these kids. And I was just like, first of all, who are you? But it just made me think how many people actually deal with this from strangers or family members where they feel like if they're not sacrificing, they aren't being good parents.

Wow, I mean, this is so important. Yes, we need to get rid of that idea of good motherhood. It means self-sacrificial motherhood or even the idea of selfless. Like to me, that's the most disturbing idea. As a parent, as a sturdy leader, you want me to be without self. Like, that's really, like, how am I going to do anything running around in circles? I know it's not good for me as an individual and I can say definitively, it's not good for your kid.

It is not good for your kid to have a leader who can't be located because they are seriously running ragged. So yes, we need to change this. The first thing I would ask people to reflect on is really is, what do I know about my relationship with my own needs? I always goes back to this. My like we always talk about this. How do I feel about the fact that I need things for myself? Does that make me kind of have a panic attack?

I know so many women who say to me, my life would be easier if I didn't need things for myself. They we've learned this. If I could just care take and be and fill myself up by pouring myself out, life would be easier. It doesn't make sense even visually, right? But we've been taught this. And so, to the degree, taking care of yourself away from a child leaves you with guilt. I think it's really powerful to consider, like, I didn't come out of the womb that way. Like, there's no way I came into this world thinking, I want to have no needs.

I want to just do for others. That's something we've learned through our family of origin, through society, through gender roles, through traditional ideas of motherhood, so many different things. And we can't, in one fell swoop, unlearn that. But we can get curious about our discomfort. So I would say to parents is, it's really important to be curious about that guilt, rather than read the guilt as a sign

that you're doing something wrong. That discomfort is probably a sign you're doing something new. It's very new for me to say, yes, I love my child and yes, I need time away because I actually do have needs for myself that aren't fulfilled by taking care of others. That's new. And whenever we do something new, that's uncomfortable. So that's the first thing.

The other thing I would say is you really did get an email from someone criticizing you, but so many of us determine our actions by what we fear other people are thinking. But no one even says anything. What would this person think? What are my mom friends gonna think if I don't show up to the play group because I say, oh, actually I needed to do this thing for myself.

If we're going to get into the thoughts and minds of other people, we might as well make them work for us. I always think that. Like, we're making it up. Okay. Right. So I have so often imagined myself when I've gone away for a weekend or I've just said I need to go do this thing for myself.

I will imagine the people around me being like, you go girl, you are setting a great role model for your child that I love you and I'm there. But you know what? Sometimes I need to be there for myself and that's important too. I actually make up that they're cheerleading for me. We might as well. Right?

And I think that's really powerful to say, yeah, I'm not going to that mommy and me group. I'm going to imagine the other one saying, you're an inspiration for me because I know you're a great mom. I know you and you're showing me great moms. Don't quote, do it all. They don't run themselves into the ground. They pause and take care of themselves. You're inspiring me.

You might as well make up those thoughts and it can really then feel empowering instead of kind of so crushing. Yeah. Hey, quick thing. If you follow me on Instagram or if you're a part of the good inside membership, you probably know I've written a book. And I'm so excited to say that you no longer have to pre-order it. You can order it because it's available right now. You might have guessed the title is Good Inside, a guide to

becoming the parent you want to be. And let me be clear, it's not a book for perfect parenting. It is a book that will help parents like you feel empowered, confident, and sturdy. Visit goodinside.com slash book to order your copy today. Now let's get back to the episode. So, I do want wanna bring this up because I know we would be remiss if we didn't. There's something about having a baby. I feel like in your relationship,

you don't know the person you're with until you enter this new parenting relationship. And all of a sudden it's like, who are you? You know, did I ever know you? and you and I were talking about in ways to prepare, having some conversations like what are the real conversations that you should be having besides middle names, names, you know, yes, and so on. So now we're doing emotional registry for the couple. Yes.

Right? If you're with someone raising your child. Great. So you know, you said something interesting. We haven't talked about this before. I don't know if I've ever thought it before. But you get to know someone. Let's say you have a partner.

You get to know them. And I think the part that's surprising when we raise a kid is, oh, I am just watching your childhood play out. I am literally watching the way you were raised. Yes. Play out now. And I didn't know all that. Like I was living with 30 year old you.

I was living with 40 year old you. I was living with 25 year old you. Wow, I just watched the first 18 years of your life happen. Yes. And the way you reacted to our kid, I just watched the first 18 years of your life happen. Yes. And the way you reacted to our kid. I just watched the way your parents parented you. Yes. It's not even conscious.

It's not. And we really learn so much about our own childhoods and our partner's childhoods when we have a child. So often in my private practice, people will be talking to me, but I really struggle to stay calm when my kids crying or my baby's crying, I know they're just a baby, but oh, it does something in me.

And if I say something that's so concrete to them as I wonder how you are responded to during your tough moment, they'll say, I don't remember, right? Memory is, we've such a limited idea of memory. You don't remember with your words, oh, you just lived that memory. Yes. That memory came out.

If you have a hard time maintaining a sense of groundedness and sturdy leadership when your child is dysregulated, we know from your body circuitry. It's the best evidence we have. Wow, it must have been really, really hard for my parents to stay grounded when I was in a state of distress. And so what did I learn to do as a child? Shut down, shut down, go away, go away, go away. What happens when my child cries? Shut down, shut down, go away, go away and we try to make it all go away. Yeah. And I know so many people with their partners, it is hard to watch this because some of these issues never come up until you have a kid.

They don't. They do not. And I remember bringing my son home and like I said, the crying, I like, I started to realize with my partner that he was raising a way of like positive. Everything you know if anybody is if there's crying, if there's sadness, like everyone's working so hard to get back to the happy. Yeah. So it's like how fast can we like stop the crying, how fast can we feel better, how fast can we stop arguing about whatever it is that I'm doing, and it was like, oh my goodness. And I think the difference between he and I is that I had done all of this sort of like work in therapy.

And so I kind of knew though this was, maybe this would be my natural reaction, I'm always sort of like playing through, what else could I do,, how can I stay calm? And also just not being like, understanding that babies cry. I think I wanna know a couple of souls from you because this is what I was talking to you the other day.

And I was like, okay, so what is the conversation that we can have with someone before we're using the flow app and planning. What do I need to know? I'm going to take a page from the Gottmins book. If anyone here wants to learn more about them, the Gottmins are just expert, amazing data-driven couples therapists who have an amazing blog with a million resources and amazing books to read with your partner.

And they really get to the essence of how to communicate, how to connect. Okay. So they have this concept called love maps. And I love it. And they say, we really need to become expert in our partners, love maps and not from the perspective of fixing it, but really just getting to know it. So how might that look in advance of having a child? That's a great conversation like you said, my leak. Hey, let's just talk about the fact that baby's cry. Okay. You know, baby's cry. I know, baby's cry. How do you think

your parents dealt with you when you cried? Yeah. Who had more tolerance? Who couldn't deal? Who avoided? Who got to happy? Who yelled? What about, okay, let's make up a situation. You're in a toy store buying a present for a cousin for their birthday and you start wailing on the floor as a three-year-old saying, I want this to what happens. You go first and then I go first. Of course, we don't really remember, but my guess is every single person could probably say how their parents would have responded. Let's learn about that. And if a partner's like,

why are we talking about this? I think you can be very direct. Well, a couple of reasons. First of all, where bringing a child into the world and it's really important, we know as much about each other as possible. And also, there's this idea I learned about that I just thought was really interesting, that we can want to parent a certain way.

And that's logic in our brain. Separate from that is how we were parented. And actually how we were parented impacts how our body develops circuitryry and that activates before our thoughts. It can overpower. So even if we want to do things one way, if we don't have a baseline understanding of how we were responded to, we really won't have the foundation to even do things differently. And I know we both want a parent in a way that's respectful and blah, blah, blah. So there's no criticism.

There's not, well, I'm saying this because I think your mom was pretty bad. We both know that. No, this is a connection building. Yeah. Exercise. And what's your role if your partner does open up? Really, I'm going to be very concrete here. I'm so glad you're sharing that with me. That's really important. Oh, I bet. I bet that didn't feel good for you. I know you don't even consciously remember, but maybe I had something similar. I'm sure that didn't feel good for me. Also, wow, we both want to do things really differently than our parents did them in that respect.

Not, hey, what are you going to do about that? We don't want to make this, you know, a me against you situation, just really safe and connected at first. Yes. And then I think also other conversations with your partner, who changed diapers? You wash bottles.

Who knew the schedule, right? And if there were rigid gender roles, right, surfacing that now is really important because if you want to do things differently, then we have to know for ourselves what the gender roles were. And for our partner, just because someone says, well, my dad never changed diapers, it doesn't mean for me, I would say to my husband, well, I guess you don't have to know for ourselves what the gender roles were and for our partner, just because someone says, well, my dad never changed diapers. It doesn't mean for me, I would say to my husband, well, I guess you don't have to change diapers. Right?

No, but it gives me an understanding that when I get frustrated, oh, I wish he would change more diapers, let's say. If I can say to myself, yes, and he's breaking cycles right now, I do want him to do more and I can talk to him about that. Let me just soften for a second thinking every diaper He changes is actually a really big shift. So let me go in yes with my desire But also with my foundational understanding. Yes, yes, okay, so emotional registry Self and couple self and couple and now I want to talk about the

baby emotional registry and All the food like yeah, let's just talk about that first. Yeah, like kind of the most point Why isn't there ever anything that tells you that you will spend most of your day? You're you're before you go to bed The moment you wake up thinking about all 700 meals your kids going to need that day, is there any nutritional value? Will they still like it this time? Will they have an allergic reaction?

Did they get enough? Are they hungry? The food. The food. The food. The food. It's really true. I think I have 10 minutes of my day where I'm not thinking of my Children's foods are having to do I really think those 10 those are my zen meditation minutes the other moments It's and when you have a baby they they eat constantly. Yes, people need to know that too like oh the feeding schedule

Yeah, not in the beginning. They're eating. They're sleeping. They're eating. They're eating their eating their It's on demand. It's it's constant. It's constant. And and then okay, you might think oh, I don't have a baby anymore. It's either right. I'm ordering food. I'm wondering if I have food. I'm cooking food. I'm giving food. I'm making new food. I'm cleaning up. I'm cleaning up. And then I'm giving my child the same plate. I swear it's two minutes later. Evidently hours have passed. But now we're eating new food. Now we're having a snack. Now we're cleaning that.

And then you get to those maybe 10 minutes or maybe those 10 minutes are spread that the day. And you're like, why do I feel lighter? And you're like, because I'm not thinking about food. That's the only reason. And then you're back thinking about. That's it. It's the sip, the bottles, the sippy cups, the open.

You've got to do the open cup training, this straw. Does this, will this spill? Will this stay do the open cup training, this straw, this, will this spill, will this stay cold? It's just, it's never ending, it's never ending. And so the second time around, because I know that there's so much feeding and when they're small, it's like, they, it's so slow, is that I made this like, like Netflix playlist of like, of just stuff that I wanted, that I I'd wanna see because you're gonna sit down and it's just, it's takes a while. Yes, it takes a while.

These images of like I'm just gonna stand my baby's eyes and just, it's gonna be so amazing for like 10 hours of a day, right? Great, do that when that feels right. Rest feeding, bottle feeding, any feeding can connect with your baby, but also it's just a lot of hours in the beginning. Right, let's do some truths about babies, right?

No, let me say, just for the record, I feel like babies are amazing. You just produce this tiny human it popped out and like it's amazing and there's so much love and there are these amazing moments. Yes, and and I'm gonna try to think who's gonna say it first babies are not fun. They're not fun. They're not fun. We said it They're not fun babies are not fun. They're not a party, okay? No, no one's at the disco. Okay, it's just this ball of dependency. Yes

If you like people being heavily dependent on you, you probably, there's a part of this that you will enjoy. But if you are fiercely independent and you're used to doing your thing, this can be really hard. I think that is something we want to underline for people because having a baby is hard and exhausting

for everyone, right? For moms, for dads, for everyone involved. And there is this kind of temperamental difference I've noticed. And when you spoke to, if you kind of like dependency, let me just say, there's nothing wrong with that. And right, at all, if you're someone who, you really love caregiving.

Yes. You love having someone close, you love you're a who you really love caregiving, you love having someone close to you, love you're a cuddler, you like that closeness, and you're thinking, oh, baby on my chest, I love holding babies, it's still gonna be hard, it's still gonna be exhausting. But the baby stage will speak to some of your strengths. It really will. And there's a different kind of temperament where you're thinking, I am someone

who actually even likes the people around me to be a little bit more independent. And what's really interesting I've noticed, right, is that baby stage is a little bit extra hard if you're someone who likes, like you said, a little bit more of that independence. That doesn't mean you're a bad mom, that doesn't mean you're gonna have a horrible first year,

but going into it, kind of doing a self-assessment. Yes. Where am I? And Miley, I think you and I, and it's just two people, sample size of two right now, we're similar. Yes. Right. I, I did not cry when my babies were done. Breastfeeding or bottle feeding. I didn't. No. Or are you going to miss this? I was like, no. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, but, but,? I was like, no. I'm not. Yeah, yeah. But, other people are like, I'm really gonna miss that. Nothing wrong. We're all different.

And so just to know where you are on that helps that emotional registry preparing for a baby. I think what's difficult is that you look in their eyes. You don't know what they're thinking. You don't know what they, like what's going on. And so sometimes it's like there's a connection, sometimes it feels like a total stranger. It's, you know, I remember being like, I didn't know you. And now like I see you every day, you're my person, but what's happening. And so I think, and I took notes from the last time we talked about it, but it's like, what are some of the solves of how we can build

our emotional registry for the hard times in those first, you know, the first eight weeks or tough, the first, yeah, before they sit up is tough. I was just thinking it'll be really amazing on your emotional registry to go into the baby stage with a mantra. Like to literally have a mantra prepared for yourself and practice it before you need it.

Like have it as an alarm and you're gonna read it maybe when you're pregnant or you're not even pregnant and you're thinking, I don't really even need this mantra yet but we need to practice things when we don't need them to access them when we do. So it could be any mantra, right? But I'll give a few. This feels hard because it is hard.

Mm. It's okay that I'm not enjoying this part of parenthood. My connection with my baby right now is not predictive of my connection with my child later in life. I really mean the baby stage was so hard for me. I know I've told you this. Yeah. Every day at like 4 p.m. by the time it was like October, November, like 4 p.m. gets like dark, it's like kind of a day and you're like in between. I would just like cry every day. I really would.

And I'd be like, I don't even really know what I'm crying about, but I know it didn't feel great. And I don't cry at 4 p.m And at 4pm, I wasn't in the, oh, I'm just loving mother, but telling myself the way I feel right now, it's not predictive of how I'll feel down the road. It's also not predictive of how I'll feel tomorrow morning. It's really not. Yes. So reminding yourself, I'm allowed to feel what I'm feeling, how I'm feeling now isn't going to last. And it's also not a barometer of how good of a parent I am.

That's so key to go in with that. Okay, a couple other selves when it comes to a baby. We don't have to stop babies crying. We don't have to have any tricks to get them to become. The single most powerful tool is our calm presence during our child's distress.

I'm gonna kind of say that again because you need to and it's amazing. Yeah, and it's like kind of one of those things, sometimes like the simplest words are also it's like the most complicated concept. When are kids are crying? When are kids are distressed? The most powerful tool we have is our calm presence.

Why? And then what does that really look like? Calm presence, because I feel like we got to be concrete about that. Yeah. When our child is really crying, a baby, and you don't even know why, we have to assume something's upsetting them.

And they can't regulate it. The feeling in their body is overpowering their ability to regulate that feeling. And I know we'd both raise our hands. That still happens to me and the feeling in my body is overpowering my ability to regulate that feeling, right? Yes. And what's kind of an inconvenient reality is that kids come into the world, fully able to feel and not at all able to regulate.

And I just think growing up is trying to close that gap as much as possible, right? So they feel everything, they're hungry, they're uncomfortable, they need their diaper changed, they have gas, whatever it is. We're not going to know. Assume it's something real. And remind yourself, what's my most powerful tool? Keeping my body calm because our kids feel our energy and they feel whether we are able to stay grounded when they can't. And when we are, that's literally the foundation for them to learn regulation.

There's literally like a three words I'd put in an arrow, dysregulation, which is a very fancy word for crying, melting down, right? Just sitting all over the place. That comes first for a child. How do they get to the last part, which is learning to regulate? There was something called co-regulation, which is literally the process where I can't stay calm, but my parent can. And for everyone right now to imagine, our kid is absorbing our calm. And what that really says to them is this feeling that feels so overwhelming to me must be manageable because my parent isn't thrown off.

My parent isn't scared of it. So what does that really look like? Practicing deep breaths. That should definitely be on everyone's emotional registry. It sounds like BS. Yeah, how many times can I hear about a deep breath? It's really a thing. Yeah.

Like really deep breathing into your diaphragm. I'll model it here. And out slowly. Something I practiced a lot of before I became a parent and I've taught my kid, but I would say any pre-parent to do this is to really imagine a deep breath as if you're breathing in slowly, like smelling a delicious cup of hot chocolate. And breathing out like you have a straw, but you don't want to breathe out so fast that you blow the marshmallows. But if you had a straw, it would be very slow because it's a trick.

When we can do an out breath that's slower than our in breath, we activate our parasympathetic nervous system, which is our calm down system. Oh, wow. It's the opposite of the type of fight or flight breathing we do, which is like this. Right. Right. Just making your mouth like a straw, right, tricks your body and going out very, very solely. After you've calmed your body, you can access words and a tone like this. I'm here. Those are great words against. I'm here. I'm right with you. I Love these words and again, they're so simple for babies

Something doesn't feel good. I believe you. I'm right here with you Something doesn't feel good. I believe you. I'm right here with you. I really mean it. None of us are mine readers. I never knew Most of the time what was upsetting my child. But if one changing a diaper, when trying to feed, when putting in a stroll, or I could say, first I take that deep breath, Becky. And then I say, something doesn't feel good. I believe you. I'm right here with you. I am literally building probably the most important skill a child will ever learn, which is the skill of emotion regulation. Yes. And just I think finding you during the pandemic and being able to do this with my toddler and then do it works with the baby. I know it sounds crazy. And that's why I think you really need to like think about this,

think about this, you know, either a pre-parent or if you're gonna have another because like she said, you're gonna really say yourself, am I really gonna just sit here and breathe while my kids screaming? And it's like you are. And I always feel like when I center myself, I'm just, I show it better.

It is this kind of paradox. The less attached we are to our kid coming down and more focused we are in just keeping ourselves come, actually the faster a baby does come down because they feel that certainness from us. Yes, yes. But at every single age we understand intention and the idea of someone respecting us at every age starting from birth at every age Best thing about it because we've talked about you know how hard it is how you know difficult it is

All of the upsides because it is worth it and even these feelings that you have they don't last But they will come they will come. They do come. I think that's right. Look, and one of, to me, one of the best upside that I also think is not often talked about. This is okay. Is I really think that if we go into parenting

with kind of an open mind, everything in this, our kids teach us way more than we teach them. If we dedicate ourselves, we heal things. We find new parts of ourselves. We find our capability. We become more compassionate with ourselves. When you notice, well, I'm so hard on myself. Why, where did that come from?

How can I shift that? And then we can give that to our kids. And you watch your kids grow and you watch yourselves grow. And that's like the best feeling ever. It is, it is. I think, you know, for me, everything you said and just what I'm realizing as a mom is like, who made all these rules?

You know, who made, who said, you know, and so this morning my son woke up, he wanted to play before he went off to school and I was like, let's do that. Let's launch rockets for 10 minutes before you take off. And it's just like, let's do that. Let's launch rockets for 10 minutes before you take off. And it's just like, I can do this. I absolutely love it. And I do think that it is, it's healing if you let it.

You know, it could be triggering, but if you're open to it, it can be completely healing. 100%. Well, I always love talking to you. I know this will be one of many conversations we have about so many other important topics as well. So thank you for coming on. Thank you for having me. My leak and I covered so much ground, it feels impossible to sum up this episode. Having

said that, I know OM-1 for concrete action, so here are the three takeaways that are on the top of my mind. 1. Consider the idea of an emotional registry. We spend so much time on our physical registry, thinking about the swaddles and the bottles and the toys. Spend a little bit of time thinking about your emotional life and the things you'll need in this important transition. 2. It's okay to have many feelings about becoming a parent. The more prepared we are for the range of feelings that will come, including the hard

ones. The more resilient we will be in tough moments. Three. Let's all think about how we were parented. How we were parented isn't destiny, not in any way. Rather, it's empowering to reflect on how we a parented because it gives us a baseline to understand our inclinations and our reactions. And from there, we can change. For all you new parents out there, I have the perfect follow-up to this episode. A workshop all about the first year of parenting. My good inside right from the start workshop teaches what really matters and what you can let go of, what babies

need to feel safe, and how you can better handle the ups and downs. Grab the recording which you can watch over and over at learning.goodinside.com. Thanks for listening to Good Insider. There are so many more strategies and tips I want to share with you. Head to GoodInsider.com and sign up for a good insider, my free week of email with scripts and strategies delivered right to your inbox. And follow me on Instagram and Facebook at Dr. Becky at Good Inside for a daily dose of parenting and self-care ideas. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Beth Roe and Marie

Cecil Anderson, an executive produced by Erica Belzky and me, Dr. Becky. If you enjoyed this episode, Dr. Becky, if you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review it, or share this episode with a friend or family member as a way to start an important conversation. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle, and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.