Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Have a Little Self-Compassion

Episode Date: May 23, 2023

Self-compassion is something we could all use a little more of. But we often don't show ourselves the same compassion and kindness that we would show to a friend going through the same thing. But today we change that with the help of Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field of self-compassion. Join Good Inside Membership: bit.ly/3In7AkoFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastToday’s episode is brought to you by Hanna Andersson: Two things are true: Summer is amazing and summer is stressful. One way to manage summer stress is to pair fun and adventure with predictability. This might be as simple as laying out your kids’ favorite swimsuits the night before a big beach day…but it’s also knowing those suits will hold up for your kids all summer long. That’s why Hanna Andersson’s swimwear is a go-to in Dr. Becky's family. Their fabric is fast-drying (less complaints of “Ugh I’m still wet!”), holds its shape without stretching (no more sagging suits), and blocks 97% of harmful UVA/UVB rays (less guilt about being in the sun!). And this year, they have the cutest selection of prints—meaning they’ll become quick favorites for your kids, too. Get 25% off your first order with code GOODINSIDE at hannaandersson.com.

I'm Dr. Becky and this is good inside. Fierce and tender self-compassion has to be balanced. If we're too accepting without enough action, we're going to be complacent, we're going to be doormats, we're going to be, you know, not make the changes that are needed. On the other hand, if we're all about change and striving to get it right, be perfect and do better without some acceptance of our, you know, the fact that we're flawed human beings, that's not healthy either. Self-compassion.

It's something we all need. So who better than to help us show ourselves a little more self-compassion, then Dr. Kristen Neff, a pioneer in the field for over 20 years. By the end of this episode, you'll understand a bit more about what self-compassion really is, and the surprising ways it can be practiced. Oh, and also, you'll have a bit more self-compassion after she walks us through an exercise, more in a bit.

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Well, this 20 years ago. So the kindness is perhaps the most obvious part of self-compassion that you're kind of warm as opposed to harsh and cruel. But there's two other components that I think are necessary to make this a really stable mindset. The first is mindfulness. I'm actually learned about self-compassion

when I was learning mindfulness meditation. And there's a reason we need to be able to turn toward and acknowledge our uncomfortable feelings in order to give ourselves compassion. Otherwise, it would be like if a friend called you up and said, I'm really upset. And you said, I'm just too busy. I can't talk to you. And we wouldn't do that to a friend, but yeah, we do that to ourselves often.

So we'd be willing to acknowledge that we're having a hard time and that we need some help. And then also really importantly, a sense of connectedness to others, I call it a sense of common humanity. Because self-pity, for instance, is not helpful. Self-pity, poor me, woes me, it's not helpful because it just kind of makes this feel more isolated. Compassion by definition is connected.

If I pity you, I feel sorry for you. If I have compassion, I say, hey, I've been there, you know, this is part of being human. And so it's really important, with self-compassion, that we frame our imperfection in light of the shared human experience of imperfection. It's like when we struggle, we often kick ourselves, when we're down by thinking, this is something wrong with me, or it's only me, or, you know, everyone else is living a normal, perfect life. And it's just me who's had this experience. And so once those three elements are their mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness, then we're in a very healthy, self-compassionate state of mind.

Can you say a little bit more about that, the human experience, that kind of, because is there something about kind of acknowledging, is about the kind of global experience of struggle, of imperfection, is that what helps us kind of be less critical? Yeah, because I'm often, we're very self-focused. I mean, even though the word self is in self-compassion, we're actually becoming less self-focused. Because when we shame ourselves,

we say there's something wrong with us, this is just me. We don't feel connected to others. And believe it or not, that sense of disconnection from others is incredibly scary. There's a saying in evolutionary biology that a lone monkey is a dead monkey. We need to feel connected to others to feel safe. And so when we feel there's something wrong with us or the word normal or it's only happening to us, it's very frightening. So the very fact of acknowledging the reality,

this is to the truth, that everyone struggles, yes, some more than others, but that's what defines being a human. We struggle, we get it wrong, we make mistakes, it's normal, that's how we learn. And when we remind ourselves that this reality, we feel much safer. And that in and of itself helps less be less overwhelmed by our problems. You know, one of the things I say a lot, and it reminds me of, you know, what you're saying here,

Kristen, is we can't change the hard, but we can change the alone, whether it's with ourself or our kids, and that seems to be kind of what you're saying to. Absolutely. It is hard and it will always be hard. Self-compassion doesn't deny that. It actually embraces it.

It says, I'm so sorry. It's hard. Is there anything I can do to help? And you aren't alone. And this is this is part of what it means to be human being. Just do your best day by day. Just like a friend would say to you, that type of support of attitude, or what hopefully a compassionate parent would say to their

child. In some ways, it's kind of giving yourself the ultimate compassionate, kind, caring parenting that maybe we didn't get from our own parents, but that we would ideally like to give to our own children. You have to give that to ourselves. If we give it to our kids and not ourselves, our kids are gonna get the message, oh, I see, no being hard on yourself

is really what we're supposed to be like. So we have to model it to our children and live it with ourselves. You know, there's obviously a lot of parents listening right now and one of the things, I know parents have a really hard time being kind of self-compassionate about is the moments after they scream, they get triggered, they yell at their kids.

Yeah, for sure. Right, that I'm a monster. If anyone saw me, they wouldn't even believe the type of parent I am. Nobody else treats their kids like this. I've messed up my kids forever. Can you walk us through that moment and some of your ideas? How could someone apply them in very real time? Yeah, well, so I'm a parent, right? My son's autistic and so which actually has another layer of challenge. And, you know, I'm honest a couple of times when he was continually tantrumene, I would get really frustrated occasionally at yelled. I mean, I know that feeling of, oh my goodness, I cannot believe that. And that's feeling of shame. You don't want anyone else to know what you've done.

And so that's exactly when we need self-compassion. By the way, there's difference between shame and guilt. Guilt is appropriate. Guilt is saying, I really wish I hadn't done that. That's not the behavior I choose to follow. I'm going to do everything I can to try not to let it happen again. But just because I may be, I'm going to That's not the behavior I choose to follow. I'm going to do everything I can to try not to let it happen again. But just because I made a mistake,

does it mean that I am fundamentally a bad person? Are we can separate our worth as people from our behavior? And so shame is about I am bad. Guilt is about I did something bad. And so we want to acknowledge when we've done something harmful that we don't want to repeat. But unfortunately, when we shame ourselves, we think somehow, if we say, oh, I'm the worst parent ever, this is going to actually help us not do it again.

It's the opposite. Because when we feel shame, we can't learn. Shame actually shuts down the learning receptors of the brain. When we just put our head in the sand or that hole and just want to call away and die, we aren't there for our children, we aren't there to learn, you know, what happened. So for instance, so when this happened occasionally with Rowan, the first thing I would do is give myself compassion. I'd put my hands on my heart and I'd say, this feels so horrible, but it happens. It happens to parents. I'm only human. We all have our limits and where the trigger point of that is for everyone is we didn't

choose to have those trigger points are often created by our own parents or our culture or stresses in our life. So we forgive ourselves, but it's interesting. Forgiveness is a two-step process. You first have to hold the pain of what you've done, and then you have to commit to not doing it again, and then you forgive yourself. It's not like forgiveness is, oh, well, just whatever happens, and then you don't commit to not doing it again, because that's not right either. We don't want to scream at our kids. So we acknowledge, okay, this hurts. I feel really badly. It is human. I'm not the only one.

But I really want to try as much as I can to figure out what happens so I don't find myself in that situation again. Ideally, you can give yourself compassion before you get to the point where you explode. And that's why self-compassion is so crucial. So I learned to do that, you know, in Rome has started tantramene. Instead of what do I do? What I do? I just say, this is so hard. So I learned to do that, you know, Rome has started tantramene. Instead of what do I do? What I do? I just say, this is so hard for me. I'd really focus on myself, giving myself kindness, care, and support, and then the more I could do that, the less likely I was to blow a fuse. Yeah, and I want to, you know, I want to clarify that or kind of double-click on it, what you just said. I find that too. I feel like, um, if you say, oh, self-compassion after I yelled at my kid or did this awful thing.

I don't want to let myself off the hook. I say, well, if you want to let yourself off the hook, you should blame and shame yourself. Like you said, that makes you frozen. It does. If you want to leave yourself on the hook for change, self-compassion leaves you on the hook. It's allowing for reflection and change. It's the opposite of what we do. Because you need to be able to hold the pain of it, which shakes a lot of bravery and takes a lot of courage. You need to be able to really open to the pain, including the pain you've caused your child. And then from that space of open heartedness, you can really commit to doing whatever you can to try not to do it in the future. There's a lot of research that shows self-compassion allows people to be more committed to repairing mistakes

and not doing it in the future. We so avoid shame that we'd much rather blame other people. Oh, it's my partner's fault or it's my kids fault because we can't handle the pain of the shame. This is what allows us to open to it and commit to trying to do something different. Yes. So in your book, you open with a story about taking your son to the zoo. And I'd love you to share that story as kind of the expert in self-compassion. Right? And how it relates to something you call fierce self-compassion. Yeah. So I'm sure people could relate to this. So I took my son to, it was the zoo. I think we're in England at the time. And there was a birchow, one of those big tents, and they had falcons and birds of prey and owls and all those cool things.

And we arrived a little late. And Rome was, he was young at the time. He was maybe five or six. So we arrived late and you know, admitted, he was being a little, he was just, he was causing a little bit of a ruckus, you know, he was talking to look at that moment, that bird. He was not sitting in the seat, he was standing on the seat. And there was a woman in front of us with two perfectly behaved little girls on each side of her who kept turning around and saying, shh, you know, I could understand it, you know, he was being a little, and I tried to help him calm down, but it was a virtue for good to say she kept on chasing him. And at one

point, at least from my perception, she gave him the evil eye. She looked at him like, oh, really me. And if anyone does anything at all threatening to my son, I turned into Mama bear, right? I was so angry. And you know, Ron's like, why did that woman look at me that way? And he said, mommy, who's that? And I said, that's a, and I used a word that started with B and it wasn't bear.

And I don't try to model that in front of my son, but that's what I, so I just called her the B word. That's a, you know, you can fill in the blanks. And then the bird showed it, and she turned around to me and she was living. How dare you call me the B word, especially in front of my children. How dare you give my son that you will lie?

It started escalating. You know, our three kids around us, we started going at it, but luckily, so I did kind of lose it, but luckily I was able to read myself in through my mindfulness and self-compassion practice because I caught myself and I, you know, wow, I'm really angry and this isn't a good situation and maybe I need to, you know, de-escalate a little bit. So, that's right, and also, I still said, I'm so angry right now as a kind of a mindfulness thing, and she's like, yes.

So it's obvious to her, but this is the difference when you're lost in difficult emotion, like anger, you have no perspective. With mindfulness and compassion, you're aware that you're having this emotion, and you're also, you want to help yourself, that's the warmth and the kindness. That's what allowed me to say, okay, maybe not such a good idea that get out of your grasp as we can. But here's the thing, women, especially, not biological sex people raised as women are told that we shouldn't get angry, especially in front of our kids, but that

mom of our energy is precious. So, first of all, we know it's precious for our children, we will take a bullet for our kids, right? So, that fear is protective energy. So what it does is it arouses energy in you. It focuses you on the problem. It allows you to be brave, it suppresses a fear response. It's very, very useful. The thing is, we need it not only for our children, but also for ourselves.

So if someone's crossing our boundaries or trudiness unfairly, or we're just like giving and giving and giving and not meeting your own needs, or also if we're doing something that's not healthy, or someone's doing something to us that's not healthy or someone's doing something to us that's not healthy or we're in a situation that's not healthy, we need that fierce energy to say, this is not working, you know, no, we need to do something different. And so even anger, right, anger when used in the service of alleviating suffering is type of compassion. It's only when it causes harm, when it gets personal, when you use the B word,

okay, that wasn't compassionate. But saying, hey, don't treat my child that way, that is compassionate. So this is different. Are you causing harm, are you making it personal? Are you dehumanizing someone? Are you just putting your stake in the ground and saying, that's not okay.

I'm gonna protect what I care about my son, myself. I imagine people are listening. They're like, oh, I thought we were talking about self-compassion. We're talking about anger. Those feelings feel like very different ends of the spectrum. Dr. Naff, can you help explain? Because actually, this is what your latest book really brings together for so many women.

So can you anger, self-compassion, gender, just break it down for us. So, okay, so the book I talk about is really two faces of self-compassion, the tender and the fears. And most people only hear the word self-compassion, think of the tender side, which is crucial to self-compassion.

And that's all about acceptance. We accept ourselves, flaws and all. We accept our emotions, the fact that it's really hard at the moment. And when we do that, this is the healing energy of self-compassion. It's like when our child is crying and we hold our child tenderly in our arms and we say, I love you, you know, you're okay, just, I'm here for you. They help the child come down.

Same thing with ourselves. It helps ourselves come down. But again, we can use the parenting analogy. If your child's like 12 years old and not potty trained, you know, it's like, or you're doing something that's really harmful, like not going to school. It's not compassionate just to hell let your child be that way. Part of compassion, part of helping is taking action. So that's through protection, providing for our children's needs, our own needs, and also motivating change.

And so fierce and tender self-compassion has to be balanced. If we're too accepting without enough action, we're going to be complacent, we're going to be doormats, we're going to be, you know, not make the changes that are needed. On the other hand, if we're all about change and striving to get it right, be perfect and do better without some acceptance of the fact that we're flawed human beings, that's not healthy either. Hey, so I want to let you in on something that's kind of counterintuitive about parenting. The most impactful way we can change our parenting actually doesn't

involve learning any new parenting strategies. The most impactful way we can change our parenting is by giving ourselves more resources so we can show up as sturdier so we can show up as calm amidst the inevitable chaos. It's what our kids need from us more than anything else. This is why I'm doing my mom rage workshop again. I'm doing it again because it is one of my most popular ones to date. It's coming up July 19th, but no worries if you can't make it live. It'll be available as a recording for whenever you have the time.

I promise it's really the best investment we can make not only in ourselves, but also in our kids. Can't wait to see you there at goodinside.com. Can I ask you something? I think about the phrase a lot for ourselves or for our kids, okay? This is really hard and I can do hard things or this is a really tough stage and I'm going to figure it out. Is that a little bit of balancing those two types that you're referring to? Kind of like one one foot in like validating and one foot in kind of looking forward and my competence and action? Yes.

So the acceptance is this is hard. Or maybe I made a mistake. That's the tenderness toward the emotions and ourselves that will figure this out. Or maybe do the best we can, you know, we may not be able to figure it out, but I'm going to take action. It can you, you need to accept pain, but you also it's not compassionate, not to do anything about it. When they look at a brain feeling compassion, the motor cortex gets activated. It's the desire to

do something to help that feeling of wanting to do something to help. That's part of self-compassion as well. What can we do to help the situation? So it's both. We accept ourselves and we do what we can to change the situation so it's not so harmful. And then that fear side, right? Because I think of anger. I talk about anger a lot in our membership. I think anger is one of the most precious, most useful information-filled emotions we have. Absolutely. It's amazing how it does suppress the fear response, gives

this physical energy, it actually activates our energetic system. So we absolutely need anger. We need to let go of this idea that anger is always bad. Now it can be harmful. Absolutely. We don't want to harm people with our anger. We don't want to dehumanize people. But anger aimed at situations or behaviors, anger at social injustice or oppression. We need the anger to do something about it. And so getting back to gender role socialization. It's like you and young. We need both. We need them to be in balance, to be healthy. But gender role socialization has gendered these things and harms everyone.

So, and by the way, it doesn't, I'm not talking about whether you're cisgendered or non-binary, whatever, just how were you raised? People raised as boys are told they can be fierce, they can get angry, they can take action, but they better not be too tender. They're called names. Boys are, it's really harmful to boys that they aren't allowed to feel that tender emotions are called, you know, names or maybe bully. And that leads to a lack of emotional intelligence. It also means they don't have access to this incredibly powerful healing resource of compassion for themselves and often generalizes to others as well because they're raised that they shouldn't feel that way. So for instance, boys tend to be less compassionate

to others than girls are, because they're told, you know, that's a girl thing. It's not horrible, it's a girl thing. It's ridiculous. And that harms men, boys and men. And then people raised as girls, they're told that shouldn't be too fierce. People don't like fierce women.

They want a woman to be compliant, giving, and to say yes, and not rock the boat, and just to go along and smile, be happy. You know, and when you start drawing boundaries, or you start speaking up, there are consequences. I would love to be able to say they aren't. It's just all in your mind. It's not all in your mind. People don't like it. That's why we need the bravery of saying, you know, you may like me a little less if I say no, but I like myself. Myself worth isn't dependent on you liking me.

And so this fear of energy is what we need. Also as a woman to try to say this patriarchy is not okay. You know, it's not okay that I do all the childcare and I work the full-time job, et cetera, et cetera. We need to make a change. And that is essential to self-compassion. Drawing boundaries, standing up for ourselves, it's core to self-compassion.

If we just live and don't give to ourselves, we're just stormats. And we have been taking advantage of historically for centuries. I'm sorry, but from my perspective, I'm not playing that game anymore. Well, you're in the right place because people in the good inside membership,

what they say, they're like, you come for the parenting scripts and strategies and you stay for the revolution. Because really, they're like, this is actually a platform where women are, and men, and, you know, but really, there's a lot of moms inside who are saying, wait, there's finally a way where I can have equal respect for my kid and myself. What I want matters to, my boundaries matter, I need to

be my kid's sturdy leader, not martyr, nobody benefits from a martyr as a parent, nobody. And what are you modeling for your kids? If you just give, if you give and you give and you give and you don't give to yourself, you're modeling, especially for our daughters, but you're modeling that that's the right way to be. So maybe you don't yell at your kid, but you drop a glass and you say, oh, I'm such an idiot, you know,

hoping that maybe, so it's gonna say, no, it's okay. But you know, if we don't do it for ourselves, our kids get the message that that's a good way to be in the world. We want our kids to be able to draw boundaries to meet their own needs. And so again, the research shows it's not

like you put our own needs first, but we don't put them last. We say, your needs count and my needs count. How can we come to a compromise solution? That means everyone's needs because everyone is equally important. We aren't raised. I think that we think that a good mother, someone who sacrifices everything, that's actually not a good mother.

That's a dormat. I'm sorry, but it's true. We raised that way so that we do all the cooking and the cleaning and, you know, we're not we're not compliant, but they were modeling that for our kids. So we want to change. If we want equality and equal respect and the lack of oppression to be the values our children have, we have to model them in our relationship to our children. I love this and I know that our listeners,

Kristen, are nodding along as they're driving their car. They're folding their laundry or is there taking a walk, thinking, oh my goodness, yes, these messages were passed down to me. This way of parenting was modeled for me. It's kind of built in to the system that we're trying to operate in. And it's amazing. I really mean, it is amazing to see a generation of parents saying, like, it stops with me. It's going to, you know, I can't make it maybe a complete 180. We don't have to, but I'm going to make a shift. And that's going to be meaningful for the next generation. And for myself.

So can we walk through these ideas in an example? Because everything we're talking about here, self-compassion, that kindness, that removing the aloneness, the idea that self-compassion also enables our action and our change. I love this. And tying it together with anger. and also enables our action and our change. I love this. And tying it together with anger, I know so many parents in this calm until I explode pattern.

And whether it's a partner coming home late, but they explode or it's that time you're filled up with distress, you have not given anything to yourself and your kids says something like chicken again. And it's like, oh my goodness. It's like, you know, a dagger to your heart. So, I'm thinking about a parent listening to this saying, yes, to all of this, I've just yelled at my kid, maybe reflecting back on my week, I see, oh my goodness, maybe I was kind of acting as a martyr. I didn't really do any of the things I wanted for myself. How can we use some of these ideas?

Can you leave it, whether it's an exercise or a strategy to kind of put all the things you say about self-compassion and anger into action? Yeah, so an example like that, you know, the good thing about it is when something like that happens is, and I do this with my son all the time, is it's a real opportunity to model self-compassion and to model how to deal with making a mistake. So, which includes apologizing, you know, instead, but when you apologize, instead of shaming yourself, remember, aiming at the behavior not the person. So, you know, I'm really sorry. I did that. It's not what I wanted to do. I was stressed, but, you know, I hurt you. I may have

scared you. I really apologize for that. But, you know, this is what happens sometimes to human beings when they get stressed. And next time, you can even model it. Next time it next time, I will try to deal with the stress as best I can before I get to the point of exploding. I'm bit it may happen again, so just know that, you know, I'm here for you. I apologize, but I am human. And, you know, just really modeling that can we accept our humanity at the same time. We don't want to just accept the humanity without also committing to the change. I will really try in the future to do whatever I can to not get to that point. And then you'll fail again, but at least you need,

you just get back on that horse again and keep trying. And what types of things? Right, because I love the part of the book where you talk about meeting our own needs. Yes, that's critical. That's also within the self-compassion model. That's not selfish. That's not a thing. People think that you only have meeting our own needs. That's critical. That's also within the self-compassion model. That's not selfish. That's not a thing.

People think that you only have five units of compassion. So if you give three to yourself, you only have two left over for your kids. It doesn't work that way, right? The more compassion you give inside, more resources you give yourself, the more you have available to give others. I mean, if you think about it, it's kind of obvious.

And yet, we don't think that way. Could you say that again? And like, it's kind of obvious, and yet we don't think that way. Could you say that again? I'm like, in a kind of slower desire. It's so obvious after you said it, but also I need you to say it again. Right. Yeah. So it's not a limited sum. So energy, in terms of actual time, time is limited.

But the resource of kindness, of care, of love is actually the more kindness, care, warmth, support we give ourselves, the more kindness, warmth, care, support we have available to give to others. And time, time is limited, but if you totally give all your time to others and give no time for yourself, you're going to be so burnt out that you will not be able to give to others anymore. I mean, that's just, your cup will run dry. You're going to be so burnt out that you will not be able to give to others anymore. I mean, that's just your cup will run dry. One of the biggest things we find in the research is self-compassionary juices burn out.

Because you say, you know, I would love to help you. I would love to take you to that soccer match or whatever, but actually, I really need something that's important to me. We're going to have to figure something else out. It doesn't mean that I'm a bad mom because I can't drive you to the soccer match. It means that this is important. My knees are important to, not more than, but also important.

And so we're gonna have to figure out another way. And you know, so what if the other soccer moms think I'm selfish? I bet the other soccer moms are really jealous. Yeah, they're like, oh, I don't really want to be here either. I really need to go do something for myself. But you know, one thing that's really important for a woman is, and this is why, so I talk a lot about the difference

between self compassion and self esteem. Self esteem is a judgment that we are good people. It's often very contingent on what other people think of us. And a lot of our parenting is like, I want to look like a good parent to others so that people like me and improve with me. And that's how I get my self-worth. I actually get my self-worth

by being this really great mom. And so this is a pretty radical shift. You talk about political, what you're saying is, my self-worth does not come from being a good mom. My self-worth does not come from people thinking, I'm good or liking me. My self-worth is intrinsic because I am a human being.

Everyone's self-worth is intrinsic. And so therefore, your sense of worth is unconditional. And then you can start making decisions that are authentic. And of course, remember, as a parent, you love your kid. It's totally authentic. You know, my child's autistic. I did it, you know, I basically had to focus

more on his needs than mine. Of course I did because he was autistic and he was especially when he was young. It was totally authentic for me. So it's not like you'll stop caring about your child, but the choices you make will be authentic. It'll be like, okay, well, here's my need. Here's my child's need.

What feels right and best to do in the moment? Considering the fact that I also need to take care of myself otherwise I'll burn out. As opposed to, no, I just have to do it because otherwise the people get mad at me and think I'm a bad person. And here's the thing, when you sacrifice authentically, it's not draining. When you sacrifice inauthentically, it's very draining. You resent it, you get frustrated, and then it actually becomes a problem.

Well, now I feel like we're talking about a desire. When you sacrifice authentically, you're saying, I want to do this, it comes from a want. I want to do this for you. It comes from a place of love. Yes. And feel, and even though yes, it may be tiring and all that, the love itself is energizing. And you know, Chris, and you know, there's so many ideas you have, and I have that really are overlapping, and you talk about the difference between your behavior. Great thing to like. Exactly. Exactly. And identity, right? And I think that's the whole idea of good inside. It's not about people being good.

That goodness is inherent. So if I know that, that actually gives me a lot more leeway. So I know, I love this phrase. I feel like it brings this idea to life. Like, I'm a good parent who, or for me, would say, I'm a good mom who is missing my son's soccer practice. So I can take a walk because I know that's really important to me. Right?

Yeah. Starting the sentence of firming your internal worth, separate from anyone's decision gives you a lot more leeway. Rather than, well, good moms go to soccer practice. So either I need to go to soccer practice and resent my child or I need to be horribly guilty that I didn't go. Neither of those are good choices and we don't have to be locked into either of those. Right. And so, so the second, you know, I'm a good mom, if I go to soccer practice is called contingent self-esteem. You're basing your

worth on contingencies, whether or not I go to soccer practice or whether or not my child gets the best college or whatever it is. Self-compassion is unconditional. But remember, this is why we need to remember the fears and the tender. We are unconditionally worthy, but it doesn't mean that we can just do behaviors that aren't harm. You know, yeah, sometimes you need to take your kid to soccer practice because you care about them. You want to be happy and fulfilled, but the reasons you're doing the behaviors come from a place of love, not from a place of wanting other people to approve of you. And they're much more sustainable when that's the motivation and drive. And more effective. So there's so many more things I want to ask you,

but maybe I'll kind of end on this. You have so many kind of concrete exercises and activities in your book. And just for everyone listening here, is there one you could highlight that everyone could kind of walk away with, something they could do today? Yes, how can if I lead a little self-compassion, it's one of the, it's very easy,

and it only takes a few minutes. Basically what you're doing is you're calling in the three components of self-compassion mindful. Mindful is turning toward the pain. You remember that you aren't alone, common humanity, and then some kindness, and you'll see, it actually changes the way we're relating to a difficulty.

Great. So I'm going to close my eyes. You don't have to, Becky, but I'm going to. Because that helps me get into my body. So maybe I'll hear listeners, if you're able to, if you're driving, please don't do this, but if you're able to, you can close your eyes. And just think of something in your life that's troubling you. Maybe you're feeling badly about, yeah, parenting, mistake you made, or maybe there's some stressor in

your life or some challenge. And you know, don't think of something overwhelmed, meanly difficult, you won't be able to learn the practice, but something that's, you know, in your life or some challenge. And don't think of something overwhelmingly difficult. You won't be able to learn the practice, but something that's kind of painful. And so we're going to relate to this difficulty with compassion. So first with mindfulness. So just acknowledging, validating, this hard to feel.

If you made a mistake or you have this challenge, this is really hard right now. So just give yourself a moment to turn toward and open to the pain. This hurts. This is difficult. And then remember the humanity of this, right? There's nothing wrong with you for making a mistake or for having this challenge or feeling this way. This is part of being human. You are not alone. It's not just you. Right? This is how we learn. This is how we grow. This is part of the human experience. But still because it hurts, we want to be kind to ourselves, warm toward ourselves. And so I'd invite you to use any language of kindness, support, warmth that you might naturally use with a friend you cared about.

Something like, you know, you're doing the best you can or just take it day by day. Or, you know, I'm sorry you're struggling, is there anything I can do to help? I care about you. I'm here for you. You can say any words of kindness and support toward the fact that you're, this is your struggle in the moment. kindness and support toward the fact that you're, this is your struggle in the moment. And that's it, right? Lincoln Open your eyes and say, you know, I, that took maybe three minutes, but you could do it in 30 seconds. It's like, it's like, it's like baking a loaf of self-compassion bread.

One part mindfulness, one part common humanity, one part kindness. And when all three work together, it really allows you to relate to the difficulty. It's still there. It's not like a poof goes away, but it gives you the strength and resilience to work with it without being so overwhelmed. This is amazing. Thank you so much.

Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com slash podcast. You could also write me at podcast at goodinside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world. And parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered, confident, and connected. I'm so excited to share good inside membership. The first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like valued parents.

It's totally game-changing. Good inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julia Nat, and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Eric Abelski, Mary Panico, and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside. you