Good Inside with Dr. Becky - How To Not Raise An @$$h0le

Episode Date: January 9, 2024

Most parents want to raise kids who are confident, kind, hard-working, empathetic... And exactly no one is hoping their kid grows up to be an entitled a-hole. Yet it occupies so many conversations about parenting with friends. This week, Dr. Becky fields a few of those concerns from her producer, Jesse Baker. Listen in for insights that will reframe how you approach these conversations with your own kids. Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3S4ffJtFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastTo listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategyToday’s episode is brought to you by Qeepsake: As a parent, have you ever thought to yourself, “I wish I could push pause right now?” There are certain moments we want to remember forever...but as busy parents, it's hard to find the time to just sit down and put those memories into a book. Now, thanks to Qeepsake, capturing these moments is as easy as answering a text. Just a daily text from Qeepsake is all it takes to start saving photos, stories, and memories of your family. It’s also a simple way to connect and bond with your kids. And the best part? Qeepsake transforms all of your captured memories into a beautiful book. No matter if they're toddlers or already in school, each cutely mispronounced word, first day of school, soccer tournament win, and family memory is priceless. And it’s never too late to start. Visit Qeepsake.com and try it free for one week. Plus, you can take 20% off your annual or any gift subscription when you use code DRBECKY at Qeepsake.com to start preserving your family’s memories today.

I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside. And this is the episode we've all been waiting for. There is one word that I truly feel is like a dirty word in parenting. And I'm going to say it entitled entitled entitled how many times have I heard the same thing from parents I don't want to raise an entitled kid? How do I not raise an entitled kid? Please tell me what to do so I don't raise an entitled kid anything but entitled. And related to the word entitled is another question we say all the time to our friends or to ourselves.

How do I make sure my kid isn't an asshole? Stay tuned. My producer, Jesse and I are about to get into how to not raise an asshole. You don't want to miss it. As a parent, have you ever thought to yourself, I wish I could press pause right now and remember this exact moment. I know I have. And yet, as a busy parent, I can never find the time to sit down and put all of those

memories into a book. Well, thanks to Keepsake, capturing moments is as easy as answering a text. You heard that right. Just a daily text from KeepSake is all it takes to start saving photos, stories, and memories of my family. It's really that easy. It's also a simple way to connect and bond with my kids, especially my DFK who loves to help me respond to the text-based journal prompts.

And the best part, KeepSake then transforms all of your captured memories into a beautiful book. Whether you have a toddler or a school-aged child, every cutely mispronounce word, first day of school, picture, soccer tournament win, and family memory is priceless. And it's never too late to start. Visit Keepsake.com. memory is priceless and it-E.com to start preserving your family's memories today. Becky, reading through the emails that come in and looking at conversations on the community and conversations that happen in my own life all the time, one of the biggest worries that I think we all share is like,

how do I not raise an asshole? Do you want me to answer that? Okay. Like three steps, five steps. Yeah, you got a couple of tips for me. A couple of tips. Yeah. Well, actually, I think I paused in probably my response because first of all, I think you're right. I think under so many of our concerns, as parents is probably that bigger concern. And we're like, why is my kid so rude? Or why is my kid unable to do things for themselves? Or my kid is no patience? And those things are each individually sure.

They're problematic, but probably the reason it gets under our skin as a parent comes back to that worry. Like, am I raising an asshole? How do I make sure I'm not raising an asshole? Okay, where do we go from here? I mean, I do think there's concrete things we can do, but like any other topic that's really important. I think if we jump straight to a strategy,

we actually miss that strategy even having a chance of being effective because I think we have to start with like, what's actually the issue here? What are we really talking about? Let's actually understand the issue. So can I frame it a tiny bit more? Yeah, do that.

When I sat down to think about this so much, what was coming up for me was this like balance between privilege and gratitude. And what is the relationship between those two things when you're trying to teach them to your children? I don't know what the balance is and how do you think about gratitude and entitlement in the same privilege. And privilege. That's a great framing. So I have these conversations all the time too with parents, you know, people in the community with my husband too. And I think there's a theme to these conversations, some of this resonates where I feel like my kids have a life

that in certain measurable ways, it's like way better than my life. And I feel like I'm giving them that life. Like I've worked so hard. We live in a town that's so different from the town. You know, I grew up in or we go on vacation. I never went on vacation. You know, a reason I was hearing from a friend. You know, my grew up in or we go on vacation, I never went on vacation. You know, a reason I was hearing from a friend, you know, my kids are like all these sports

after schools, they even have some like private lessons here and there. I never had one coach, one lesson, even though I always wanted that. And so I think this is a really nuanced question because in some ways we're talking about privilege and entitlement and gratitude. And in some ways we're talking about something very different, which is the life we had, the things we wanted, the things we're giving to our kids, and then kind of the expectations we have of them to respond in a certain way to us, maybe not even gratitude generally, but part of it, and I think it's true for me too.

We need them to understand our sacrifice and almost be grateful for us. Thank you for giving me this amazing life. And the loudest thing that comes to mind for me in my brain right now is something I remember saying to a family a while ago in my private practice. And it was parents who grew up with very little economically, really, really, and honestly, very little emotionally too.

And they created this life where they would even say, we are giving our kids a lot emotionally, psychologically, financially. And they don't appreciate shit, basically. What's wrong with us and what's wrong with them? And here's how we started the conversation. I said, you know, you can't raise your kids in a candy store and expect your kids to appreciate candy

And it led us to talk about so many important themes these were two adults Who would have appreciated candy any instant they were given it they were never given candy in their lives Right, they were never taken to that place with connection for deliciousness with with treats, with specialness. And so when we live in a world where we don't have a lot of quote, candy, the absence of that, the scarcity of that inherently leads to an appreciation of candy in the very, very, you know, a few moments we have it. And when we raise kids in a candy store, and I really mean this, it's not a judgment.

It's really not. I'll speak about myself. I mean, to some degree, yeah, my kids live in a candy store. They have a lot all around them. But to expect them to be surrounded by candy and appreciate candy, the way someone someone would who was never given candy. I think is a really unrealistic expectation. Now, I already hear the next concern, oh, so my kids are just going to be assholes. Like that's totally not the conclusion, but I think we have to set that baseline first because I think it really does widen our perspective from my kids or assholes, I don't appreciate anything to,

oh, my kids have a lot around them. And so, actually, inherently, it is harder to cultivate gratitude when you live in a world where so much is given to you, when there's not a scarcity of maybe anything. Well, it also becomes a kind of value question too, which happens to me all the time. And it's also like, you know, my third grader comes home and wants a pair of Nike 10 issues that are $125. Well, she'll grow out of those 10 shoes in four months, and I'm not the type of person

who wants to spend $125 on her Nike tennis shoes, but half the girls in her class are wearing these, and she wants them. And so, you know, at what point does telling her, well, these tennis shoes are $125. Like, she's eight. I don't, she doesn't really understand the value of $125, she doesn't ever made any money.

Yeah. But it's still, it comes up in me to say, but we don't spend that much money on X. Yeah. So when you're living in an area where maybe you're thinking along with a candy metaphor, maybe my kids are going up in a candy store, but these kids are growing up in the candy store with like king size candy all the time.

So now, it's like my kid doesn't even appreciate their fun size candy right because everyone around them has more. I think if we take away the ickyness of those moments because there is ickyness as a parent. You hear her can say what? You got me these shoes and not the Nike's like you're the worst mom ever. There's just such ickyness like're like, I really hope no one heard that. It's really, like, it just feels so bad. But if you take away the ickyness, or at least you just put it to the side, what I think we can really break this down to in your Nike shoes example as a perfect one is,

what is it like for an eight year old to be surrounded by people who have things, who are excited about things, who are connected with each other about those things, and be the kid who doesn't have those things. And yes, there's materialism and consumerism here, but I also think we can take that out of it too. What's it like to be the kid who's left out? What's it like to be the kid who's not invited to the lunch table, right? Or who doesn't, you know, feel like they consider the lunch table. And I think that really takes the shame away from it. And it also really shifts our intervention

because I think you're right. In that moment, we've really gone to lecture mode and I do too. We're like, okay, let's break down that $120. Like do you know about taxes? Do you know about how hard I work? And like, here's how many hours I work in the day. And here's what I commute.

And by the way, here's much your soccer practice cost. And that, you know, like, we have this like equation. And I don't know what we think that's gonna do with like like inside a kid's body. They're able like add that up and then they like somehow understand, oh, these shoes really aren't worth it. And I should just appreciate that I get to go to soccer. Like it just doesn't happen. It doesn't even really make sense to be break it down. I think the intervention that's actually really important and it's actually then very generalizable to other situations is not just is it my value to not by Nike's? It's also a bigger question. I'm just coming up with the thought of them saying it. It's

like do I have the value that my kids can see things they want and learn to tolerate not having them? And I think that way of thinking is actually very empowering to parents because I have a lot of parents who will say to me, I don't want to buy my kids the night keys. I call it. Like to be honest, I say, it's not going to break the bank. It's not. There's something about it, though, that doesn't feel right to me. And I think what they're saying is the intervention with my kid isn't the explanation of the cost and how hard I work. The explanation, actually to myself, first is I actually just think especially in a world

of privilege, it is extra important for my kid to see things they want and not have them. And maybe part of that feels like sick, like we just artificially, like withholding things. But if finances aren't a concern, which for some families, they might not be, right, in certain situations they're not. But what is a concern is your first question, how do I not raise an asshole? I really think a big component of not raising an asshole is building up your own muscle or building up tolerance for wanting and not having. Period. I think there's wanting and not having. There's doing things that are boring and there's like doing things you don't want to do. And in a way, privilege and financial privilege

can actually remove all three from a kid's experience. I want something I get it because I guess my family can afford it. This is boring. Okay, we'll have, we'll pay someone to fold your laundry or I have to go on an errand, you know, you're gonna come with me. Oh wait, we do have, let's say a baby sitter at home, I can just drop you off and then I'll do this target Aaron by myself because it's not something you want to do. And it's actually so like sneaky, right? And I think about so many families I worked with in my private practice who honestly,

we're like the loveliest, most well-intentioned, most hard working humans. I like them. They weren't this like image of like snobbery of like my kids should just live off a silver plate at all. And yet I saw just how easy it was through financial privilege for their kids to never be frustrated, never wait, never have to do boring stuff and never have to go along in some ways with someone else's activity.

And if you have the finances to make that happen, I'm a pragmatist, you do have to be insanely mindful about moments where you actually just make sure you don't remove those basic life experiences. So, you know, I use a small example from my own life where we have three kids, there's two parents, never adds up, now that my kids are all old enough to be in activities. And I think it's really important that my oldest especially because he's the one where we've kind of built our life around his activities even more. There's moments where you're coming to your sister's basketball game and he's like, I'm old enough, I can just like walk to my friend's house.

They're like essentially, even though he's not saying this, he's like, I can just do something that's more exciting for me. I can do something that's more built for my own life, right? And the moments we say to him, saying we did this all the time, doesn't have to be 100% of the time, but the moments we say to him,

you totally could do that. And, like, you're gonna come with us to her game. And there have been times in moments like this, and I'll never forget this when he was like, you're a lot younger. He goes, why do I have to unload the dishwasher?

Can't you do that, or can't someone do this, what he said to me? And it's like an ache moment. It's like, I can't even believe him sharing that word. Like, oh, what did I do wrong? I'm a horrible parent. And I, what he said to me. And it's like an ache moment. It's like, I can't even believe I'm sharing this out loud. Like, oh, what did I do wrong? I'm a horrible parent. And I remember what I said to him. I just said, no one really likes

not doing the dishwasher. I just want to make no one. I just said, I don't have anything more sophisticated so I just said, to be a good person in life, you just have to do things that you don't want to do. And so the reason you're going to unload the dishwasher with me is because I want to make sure you do grow into like a relatively decent human. And I want to make sure you do have certain numbers of experiences where you're just doing

stuff that's boring and unenjoyable. Like that's just, that's the best I got. And it was actually really interesting. Like I think it satisfied his question because like I didn't make up some story again. I'm like, well, let me tell you about my childhood where I unloaded the dishwasher. Let me explain to you that most people, your age, in families, they're unloading the dishwasher every time

because they don't have people who sometimes, and all of a sudden it's just shame, it's blame, and he's like, I guess I'm a horrible person, and I feel very disconnected to my mom, and any motivation I'd have has totally totally gone out the window, right? And it was just, that's the reason why? Why are you going with me to target even though you're right? Even sometimes it isn't that at the house,

isn't the house on the way? Yes, I could. And sometimes it's just important to get your body accustomed to doing errands with other people because that will prepare you for all the times in adulthood when you're just going to have to do shit you don't want to do. So we're going to put an experience in that bucket and you can thank me later, which by the way, you know, it doesn't really come. So when I talk to parents, there's often huge variety in kind of the top quality they

wish for in their kid. Some people say confidence, some people say caring, some people say bold, and there's almost universal agreement in the number one quality parents don't want their kids to have. Entitlement. Over and over, I have parents asking me, are there things I can do now? So that my kid doesn't become entitled later on? And the truth is, there are. And so I wanted to put all of my thoughts down in one place, and I created something brand new. A how to

avoid entitlement guide. It's all practical strategies and specific scripts you can use, so you know your kids are building the skills they need, and that they are going to avoid that entitled outcome. It's available within membership, so if you're already a member, just search, avoid entitlement within our member library. Or if you're not yet a member and want to check it out, check the link in the show notes. It'll send you right to the guide. Can we circle back to this? You said they might thank you later. He might thank you later, which you never will. Let's go back to the thank yous,

because I feel like we can forgive so much shittiness, behavior, when it's accompanied with an apology, Let's go back to the thank yous because I feel like we can forgive so much shittiness behavior When that it's accompanied with like an apology or later a thank you This was so lovely or this was really great or best day ever or whatever they say What is your recommendations for I? Feel like gratitude practices the thing we hear about all the time I'm curious what you think of that and like thank you letters after birthday parties I feel like gratitude practices the thing we hear about all the time. I'm curious what you think of that and thank you letters after birthday parties.

Are you for that? Yeah, I mean, so let's talk about gratitude. So the way I think about gratitude is gratitude is a feeling to mean not a behavior. And I think that's really important because to some degree, as a parent, and this is the way I think, like I'm always working myself out of a job in the best case scenario.

That obviously I want my kids always feel connected to me, you know, always can depend on me. But for so many things, like I wanna work myself out of the job, I don't think any of us wanna be 20 calling our kids saying, oh, I heard you went to a friend's house to do, right, as Mama, thank you, no? Like, I don't think any of us want to be 20 calling our kids saying, oh, I heard you went to a friend's house to do, right? Is Mama thank you? Like I don't think any of us want to do that, right? We hope that our kid at that point will do it.

And the only reason my kid is going to do that when they're 20 is that they feel gratitude rather than they think, what's the gratitude action, right? They're not going to do that on their own. So I think your question is also like, how do our kids end up feeling gratitude? When can we expect that? And then how do we help our kids turn that feeling into, you know, in action?

So where's the situation? You feel like that, my kid isn't doing that. And it's just like, Erksem. In my household, all the time, but for example, we took the kids ice skating and out for ramen on a random Tuesday. And it was a fun, it should have been our date night. We took the kids out with us. It was, you know, and when we got home, there was no, there was like all of this, I don't want to take a shower. I don't want to finish my homework, you know. And it was like the day it would have been forgotten because suddenly we got home and

we were back to the normal shit that they had to do. Yes, that completely resonates. Again, I think there's so much in me too, where we can flate our kids' gratitude with the gap between our hope and then the reality. Like we're like, I'm leaving work early. I'm taking my kids to the special event. And we don't even realize that some part of us is like, my kids better be grateful for that, right?

Which again, I'm thinking if my husband ever did something for me and at the end, he was like, you're not even grateful. I'm like, oh, is that the reason you did this? Like, because now it doesn't even feel good. Or like, I thought you wanted to take me out to dinner. Like, I don't know. Right?

And so I think we have to like put a little bit of a mirror back on ourselves. Okay, the second thing is gratitude as a feeling, I think is really dependent on mindfulness and noticing. And I'll explain what I mean. Like, one of the things we want our kids to notice in that situation is like, this was a really different Tuesday. Like I didn't just do my homework and like, go to bed.

I like had this really fun night out. I'm like noticing that. And like there's a mindfulness to noticing where you have to slow down to notice. We all know that, right? That's sometimes you don't notice anything. We're just speeding through life. And I know for me, I'm not great at modeling or infusing mindfulness and noticing because I can like just run at, you know, lightning speed. So this is important to me,

which I understand that it is. Of course, we want our kids to notice. This is a different night. My parent left work early or my parent didn't work leave work early about plan this. And this is so cool. We have to actually infuse that noticing and mindfulness into our lives. So maybe I'm getting in the car and I'm saying on the way to the wrong place. I'm thinking about like most of the time, I don't know, we're eating chicken nuggets and pizza

and reducing me totally different, right? And I might try to set myself up for success and think, you know, I'm thinking some of the food might, that tastes the way we're used to. Some of the food might even make us feel like, oh, I don't like this. It's just new, it's kind of different. Nice to add some spice to our lives, right guys.

Okay, really looking forward to dinner. What my kid is picking up on is actually they're learning through my modeling to notice the different things in their life. Versus in my house, it could be my husband's driving, I'm kind of on my phone working, I get there, I'm kind of distracted. You know, my kids are like, where's mom? I don't know, she's not really present anyway. They get food that someone's telling them they should like and looks totally different and they're just kind of surprised by it. And then we feel frustrated. Like I took you to ramen and you didn't even appreciate it.

Right? And so again, this doesn't mean this is our fault. I don't think it's our fault, but if it really matters to us for our kids to develop these feelings and these skills, I think we can't think, okay, so what, like where's my power? Like what can I do?

Because before my kid at the end of the night, just thank you for doing that. My kid has to notice, you know, silly as it sounds, we did that. Like wow, we did that. And in our busy lives, a lot of us aren't really great at that. So then at the end, maybe I would say, well, that was a really different night.

I'm like so glad we did that. What about you? And I'm guessing my kid might say, yeah, that was really cool. Or I might say, and I think this is really important. Well, part of the stinner will you remember? And they'll be like, oh, I'm is really important. What part of this dinner will you remember? And they'll be like, oh, I'm definitely gonna remember when I brought us this wrong dish

and everyone tried it and it wasn't even ours. I don't know. I wonder if we'd be as focused on our kids saying, thank you. If we had a moment of like meaningful connection around like noticing this different experience. Like I just don't even imagine myself being like, and you didn't even say thank you. Like I wonder to some degree of what we're saying

when we get there is, I don't really feel connected to you. I feel like we together weren't really noticing how different and special this was. And if we did have that bucket filled, I don't know if I'd be as hung up on like those two specific words. Also, my guess is those two specific words thank you would probably come out more naturally because of the experience we just had together.

Thank you. So also, I should say, there is something for manners that's just like practice. And I really do think it's empowering to think about our kids' kind of bad behavior. We can either look at their bad behavior as a sign of who they are, or we can look at their bad behavior as a sign of the skills they need to build and practice. And I think those two buckets would lead us to 180 degree different interventions. If I look at them as a sign of who they are, you didn't say thank you. I literally took you to ramen. I took you ice-kitting. This is the best night ever. You were such a spoiled and entitled kid. I'm not doing something like this again. Okay.

And I can say those words with such eloquence because I've said them from my own mouth. Sure. You've never said things like that. No, never. Okay. Or if I think my kid needs practice noticing and slowing down. My kid needs practice with a little perspective taking. Oh, wait.

I actually don't often do this on a Tuesday night and actually a lot of kids don't. That's kind of cool. And then my kid probably also needs practice taking those things and turning it into a heartfelt thank you. Those are actually all skills. If we think about it as a coach, I don't know anyone who teaches someone had a swim by sending them to their room

and telling them they're a bad swimmer. I just don't think we'd hire that coach or take on that coach for our kid, right? We'd say, you don't have the skill yet. Let me teach you a new way and let me give you opportunities to practice. Still, it won't happen in the pool swimming, but the more I do that, the more likely it's gonna happen.

So, I might say to my kid, let's say before they're seeing, they're great aunt who always gives them a birthday present that they, okay, let's just say that's happening, right? We want to avoid the cringe. Like, why did you get me this? Or I already have this. Or you never get me things I like, you know, or something, right? Cringe or they like that. Well, if I think about as a skill, I would say to my kid before,

oh, what's it going to be like? If she, again, gives you a gift, you don't really love, that's tricky, right? And let's say my kid's like, yeah, it's going to be the worst. I might model again, think about as a skill. That's really hard, you know? Like, look, anyone getting gonna be the worst. I might model again, think about it as a skill. That's really hard. You know, like, look, anyone getting a birthday gift wants it to be something they want.

I think that's also really important. If I wanted a necklace from my husband and he gave me a slow cooker, I don't think anyone would fault me if, like, I don't know, having a reaction, okay? So, doesn't mean I'm a horrible person. Just means I'm human. So I might say, look, yeah, it's tricky.

It stinks to get something they don't want. And also, I'm just thinking, like your aunt puts in time. You know, you wish you put in time in a way she did. Like, she was really holding you in her mind. And I might even say this to my kid, like, it's really an interesting thing. Can we be grateful for someone's intention? Even when the outcome isn't what we want. What do you think about that? And look, I'm very aware, kids are gonna say, mom, you're so annoying, I don't know.

Okay, but you're just, I always think we wanna teach our kids how to think, not what to think, and how to think often comes from asking our kids more questions and giving them lectures. And I would bet, I would bet a decent amount that even planting that before would actually totally change the way

your kid responds in the moment. In a much more powerful way than saying, if you don't think you're aunt, I'm going to take away your iPad. Like, I just, you know, which is basically saying you're a bad spoiled and titled kid. And so I just, I think when we think about how do we, how do we raise kids who aren't assholes? How do we make sure my kid doesn't become an asshole? If you have this collection of moments that happens with your kids, I would actually like

ask you to almost look one way and say like, that's a sign they're a bad entitled kid. Okay, that's just not going to be productive. And take a deep breath and just gaze in the opposite direction. And even if you don't know what's in front of you, the road you're on is saying, my kid needs skills. They literally are missing skills. That's what these behaviors mean. Doesn't mean they're a bad person.

It means I need to help them build skills. And what you're saying also is part of a bigger picture with parenting. I feel like we know the outcome we want for our kid. We kind of all want similar things. We want them to feel pretty good about themselves. We want them to be able to take on hard things. We want them to be able to deal with disappointment and frustration. We want them to feel pretty good about themselves. We want them to be able to take on hard things. We want them to be able to deal with disappointment and frustration.

We want them to be able to access gratitude. That's a destination. Well, we need a map usually to get to destinations. That map always includes building skills, practicing them. A lot of what I'm sharing here and there's so many other things we can do as well. And it really is like coaching them. I'm not trying to say it's that simple in practice, but the framework is actually kind of simple. And once you understand that your kids actually need skills as opposed to needing a lecture or punishment, you actually start making progress on that map.

And you start to see signs. And I mean, you start to see signs of the destination, which is that much more of a motivation to keep going. Where could I read more about this on the community, Becky? So I've done a lot of thinking about this recently. Obviously, you and I have talked about it a little bit. I've been hearing a lot about this from parents, this fear of entitlement, like really. And I think this is really interesting

that like when I connect with parents, I'm like, tell me the number one quality you want in your kid. I hear such a variety of things. Like there's some repetition, but sometimes they are independence. I hear creative, I hear confident, I hear empathic, humble. It's like a huge variety. And when I ask all those parents,

tell me the number one quality you don't want in your kid. I swear like 95% of them say entitled. The other 5% in my little Surrey say selfish, which like, they're like 95%. 95% of parents want to avoid the same thing. And I think our biggest struggle with entitlement and helping our kids avoid it is simply that people don't understand it.

And you can't fix a problem, anyone. We can't fix problems, we don't understand. And so I think step one is actually breaking down what entitlement is. It's a symptom of kind of a larger struggle with your relationship with frustration. That's really what it is. It's all about your frustration tolerance. Actually entitlement is complete frustration intolerance. It's the experience of, I'm not supposed to feel frustrated.

I'm not supposed to feel disappointed. I'm not supposed to wait. And the positive of seeing it that way is, okay, so there's a whole set of skills. Parents can learn so that kids can learn, so that they learn to tolerate frustration and waiting, so they learn how to be patient and how they learn then after that to access gratitude. We can't access gratitude when we're overwhelmed with frustration and disappointment, just impossible. So, yes,

I, you know me, Jesse, I have ideas that I don't translate into actionable strategies, because I don't understand ideas that aren't translated into actionable steps. And so, yes, I created. It's not a workshop because I know parents want some of the things that are written, and they just run at the time, like, all the time to watch something. So I made it into a guide. It's pretty robust. It's kind of all the learnings that would go into a workshop, but actually in a much shorter step-by-step guide with strategies, with scripts, the guide to avoiding entitlement. If you're a member or just search it in our library, it'll come up and I feel so, so hopeful

for all the parents engaging in this way, that they will actually start saying to themselves, and I mean this. I'm not so worried my kids gonna be an asshole, like I actually do believe I have the right map now to get to the destination, I want to go. Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com slash podcast.

You could also write me at podcast at goodinside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world. And parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered, confident, and connected. I'm so excited to share good inside membership. The first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like valued parents.

It's totally game-changing. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julianette and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Eric Kabelsky, Mary Panico, and the rest of the good inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside. I remain good inside.