Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Let’s Stop Calling Kids “Shy”

Episode Date: November 2, 2021

When our kids are older, we usually define confidence as trusting yourself and not following the crowd. And yet, when our kids are younger, we often have the exact opposite definition: Why isn’t my kid confident enough to make friends at the playground? Why won’t my child leave my lap at a party? Why do they stay on the sidelines at soccer? In this episode, Dr. Becky talks to three callers about reframing shyness as a form of confidence. With practical scripts and strategies, she encourages parents to reflect on what shyness brings up for us, resist the “shy” label, and tell our kids that they’ll know when they’re ready. Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3cqgG2A Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Order Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books. For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast

You're listening to Good Inside with Dr. Becky. I have so many ideas, strategies, and scripts to share with you right after a word from our sponsor. Hey, Sabrina. Hey. So, I've been thinking about toys recently. I don't want the toy to do that much of the work. I want the toy to inspire my kid to do the work.

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I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can. With their resources, we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain good inside. Today we'll be talking about shyness. There's so many different things I want to say about this topic and so many strategies I'm going to share today. Before we jump in, I think it's really powerful to start by asking ourselves this question.

What is happening inside me? Or what's going on for me? When I witness my child, act in a way I would describe a shy. So let's get more specific about that question. When my child is clinging to my leg, when my child is hiding behind me, when my child is asked a question by someone and goes silent,

what do I notice happens inside myself? We often think we react to our kids' behavior. We're always reacting to the feelings that come up inside our body. When we witness our kids' behavior, this is not just a matter of semantics. This is actually very different because when we realize, oh, I'm really responding to my own feelings. Then we can look at our kids' behavior as a way of learning more about what we think that behavior means, or where we fast forward down the line,

and where we think that behavior leads to, what we fear, or how that behavior was actually responded to in our own childhoods. And so many of us have so much that comes up for us when we see our child being hesitant. None of this makes us a bad person. It doesn't mean you're a bad parent actually becoming aware of triggers, of fears, of the way we fast forward

our kids' lives, of, oh, actually it's interesting. When I watched my child being hesitant, I worry about my child having no friends and I panic. Becoming more aware of these things makes us more able to be grounded and makes us more able to show up in the way we want to show up. So I'd love all of us to think on that.

And I think that will form a baseline to understand everything else we talk about in this episode. With that in mind, let's hear from our first caller and... Hi, Dr. Becky, my name is Ann. I have three, almost three and have your boy at home, he live in New York City. And my question is about shyness and how to build confidence in a toddler and a kid in that age group. And that issue of becoming maybe worse because of COVID, because there's much less interaction with other kids.

I just want him to grow up not being fearful of speaking his voice or just overall being just way too shy. Thank you. Hi Anne, thank you so much for calling in and for bringing up this topic of shyness and how does it relate to confidence? This is something I hear about from so many parents so you're really kind of hitting the nail on the head. So I want to share a big idea and then I want to share a really memorable moment for my clinical practice that kind of highlights this idea. So here's the idea.

Maybe shyness is confidence. We often think my kid is so shy. How do I get my kid to be confident? My kid is so shy. I wish my child was confident. Maybe shyness is a form of confidence. And let me explain why I think we can get to that idea. So I always think about these two back-to-back sessions

I had in my practice years ago. In the first session, I met with parents of a toddler. I think the child was about three or four, and the parents were very concerned that the child was about three or four and the parents were very concerned that their child was always the only one to stay by their side instead of joining a birthday party. I remember these parents saying, we go to soccer class, we go every week, every week, and all of his friends are joining in and joining in. Oh, never, my kid. My kid is so shy. Why can't my kid be confident and just go join the class?

Why can't my kid be confident and just go off to the party? Why can't my kid be confident and go on a drop off play date like so many of his friends? Okay, before I share how I intervene, let me share with you what happened in the very next session. The very next session I had that day was a meeting with parents of a teenager. And in this session, the parents were sharing how concerned they were for their son. They were talking about how their son

got in a lot of trouble at school for essentially following the crowd. For doing something they believed was not his idea, but where he was really swayed by a group of friends and ended up leading to a school suspension. And I remember clearly the parents saying, why can't he look at what his friends are doing and realize that's not for me? Why can't he have a voice of his own?

Why can't he resist peer pressure? Why can't he be more confident? And what struck me so much in this moment is when our kids are older, we often define confidence as being able to hear your own voice, even when you're surrounded by the noise of other people's voices. We define confidence as knowing what's right, even when other people are doing something different, even when

groups of other people, many people are doing something different, and yet when our kids are younger, we often have the exact opposite definition. Kids who can be labeled as shy are really kids who are in situations saying, I see what people want me to do. I see what other people are doing. I notice the crowd and I don't want to do that. I'm not ready to do that or maybe even I'm not ready to do that yet.

That's confidence. The kid who doesn't jump into soccer class with all of his friends is saying, I know my body. I know what's going on for me. I'm not comfortable doing that. And the way I think about confidence is really being at home with oneself, feeling like it's okay to be me, feeling like I am a good feeler of my feelings. I know what's going on for me better than anyone else could assume to know what's happening

for me. So I think the first strategy then around this is to actively reframe how we think about shyness and confidence. There might not be anything wrong with my child. My child is perceiving a situation and needs more time and isn't ready to do something even though someone else might be ready. And when we can reframe that,

we show up in a way where we're less anxious. And then we can meet our child where they are at instead of based on our fears or assumptions. So here's what I would actually start saying. I would say to your son, you'll know when you're ready. And it's okay to take your time. And no one but you can ever know when you're comfortable. What we're really doing is building confidence inside out. And what we're helping your child do is feel more comfortable with exactly what's going on for him in that moment.

And that paradoxically is always the thing we need to do to push ourself a little bit out of our comfort zone. I would start there and I think there's going to be so many other strategies we talk about that will also end up being really helpful. Let's listen to our next caller, Nadia. My name is Nadia and I have two kids, a boy who's nine and a girl who's five. There's a tricky situation going on with my son that I've noticed a few times now. When he's around people he gets extremely shy and just blurt out the silliest things. But when we're home, we're just four of us. We have such great conversations.

And I do ask him without making him feel bad about it. What happens when he's around people? He just continues to tell me, Mom, I'm shy, I'm shy. But he really does say the silliest things and I'm like, where is it coming from? The child is so smart and again we have great conversations. He just, I don't think he knows how to start conversations when he's in that shy situation and I don't know how to handle it without making it feel bad obviously. If you can bring this up in one of your podcasts I'd be so happy because again I don't know how to handle it. Hi Nadia thank you so much for sharing what's going on in your home and I can hear in your voice and in your words

how much you want to really connect with your son and help him and how you're coming from a place of compassion and not judgment. I have a few ideas. So, okay, first I want to talk about labeling. It is so easy to start labeling our kids in fairly reductionistic or specific ways, right? My kid's so shy or my kid is such a picky eater. My kid is so difficult. These words fly out of my mouth because of course I've said these

things about my own child and sometimes labels become a way to just kind of quickly communicate something we're trying to say. We don't have to strike labels entirely. Of course, we use certain words when we're communicating with friends or trying to get a point across. And yet using these labels in front of our kids, within the ear shot of our kids, directly to our kids, it really locks them into a specific role. Every time a kid hears themselves described as shy, they play to that identity even further. We want to really be mindful of our words around our kids so we can show our kids that we actually see different parts of them. Rather than locking them into shyness,

we want them to overhear us talking about how gregarious they were, or other words that symbolize to them, huh. I don't always have to be one way. So here's what I would start with. I would be really mindful about using the word shy at all in front of your son. And when he uses the word himself, like he did in your example, I don't know, mom, I'm just shy. I would add

some kind of curiosity around that, something to try to gently move him off that label. So it might sound like this. Huh, I don't really know if that's how I would describe it. Or maybe shy. What does that really mean? It's interesting. So many people say that, and I know we've used that word with you, but what does that really mean? Or I'd give him a reframe. I don't know, mom, I'm really shy. Huh, I don't know, sweetie. You're so many things. Or, shy, I don't know. You're you're figuring out how to be with new people. Or shy? Hmm, I don't know, to me, I get it. Sometimes it's just hard to know what to say. What I'm doing for my child here is

I'm reflecting back a more generous interpretation. And also, I'm not locking my child into one very specific way of being. I'm letting my child know there's other ways to look at the situation. And that then gives my child more flexibility in how to act. Here's another idea. So often we say to our kids, why are you doing this? Why are you saying these silly things? Why are you so shy? There's nothing to be shy about. I often find why questions very intimidating myself. Why am I feeling a certain way? Why am I acting a certain way? I know for me, I feel I'm the defensive.

I almost get stressed thinking about having to answer that for anyone. I think it can be intimidating in that way. And what I would suggest is shifting those kind of difficult moments and describing them instead with validation, even though you yourself might not understand why these moments are happening. So I know you might be thinking, okay, what does that mean? I'll get more specific. Instead of saying, why did you say that silly thing to a friend? Or why did you say that silly thing in that family gathering? Why are you saying these things? I'd share this approach of

validating even without understanding. There's something about being with other people that just kind of feels tricky, huh? I get that. There's something about being with other people that just kind of feels tricky, huh? I get that. There's something about this that feels tricky. I get that. What's so powerful about this is I don't even understand. I'm not giving a why my child doesn't need to produce a why. I'm meeting my child where they're at and kind of normalizing it, assuming

there's a reason. And in doing this, I really de-shame the situation. You can even add, I used to also kind of not know what to say around other people. Or it's okay to not be sure about what to say to other people. Or, wow, did I ever tell you about the time I was your age? Yeah. There is these months in a row where I would be around other people and, oh, I would just have a really hard time with my words. So to summarize a little bit, Nadia, where I would focus is trying to minimize the label of shy, trying to move your child away from that label and approaching your child

with validation even before you understand what's going on. And now our final caller, Justine. Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Justine. I am from Long Island. I have two daughters. My oldest is just turn three, and then I have an eight months old. And my question is really pertain to my oldest daughter.

And she is not going to school or to daycare this year due to COVID. And I'm not sure whether it is, you know, her actions are related to COVID and, you not having as much socialization issue normally would or if it is just her emerging personality, but she is very shy and nervous around kids. She takes her to a little play group every week with some friends and she really just will say, I don't like kids and struggle to interact with other kids. She's totally fine and different at home. She's comfortable. She's in her element.

If we have people over, she's fine, but once we go outside, you know, just to a space that maybe feels not as comfortable to her, she really doesn't want anything to do with any other kids. So I would love any advice about how to kind of help her along with that. Hi, Justine. There are so many things I resonate about what you're saying. And I think it's really important to start with the context.

Our kids and especially our young kids have lived a huge percentage of their lives in a world where we've essentially said to them, it is not safe to go out and explore. Kids who have been growing up in the context of COVID, let me be clear, I don't think these kids are going to be messed up forever. I don't think that they're locked into social isolation and anxiety for the rest of their lives. I do think it's had a big impact on them and switching from No one's really going out of the house to oh, let's go to a playgroup and let's start exploring is really tricky

Especially for kids who might have a slow-dorm up temperament or who might be especially who might have a slow-dorm up temperament, or who might be especially pensive or thoughtful. And so nothing's wrong with your child. And in some ways, your child is doing what's appropriate given such a big percentage of her life has been marked with necessary hesitation. Necessary staying close to you instead of exploring. This is something I would talk about with your daughter. Kids who can be slow to warm up, kids who are hesitant. We need to talk to them about what's going on in their environment.

We often think that, oh, my kids too young to know about X, Y, or Z. And yet, when we have a child who's perceptive, who's showing us their nervous, they have to understand more about their environment, to feel safe enough to explore that environment. And when we share real truthful information, we actually help empower these kids. So what would that look like? First of all, I would make very clear to your daughter what your job is and what your child's job is. So I would say to her,

do you know that my number one job is to keep you safe? I take that job very seriously. And as you know, there have been many days and weeks and so many months of staying home. And now, there are some days of going to your friends house. That is my job to decide what is safe. And I've decided it's safe to go to your friends house. Now, here's your job.

Your job is to have all the feelings you're having about that. And to let me in on that so I can help you. So actually if you feel nervous, that's okay. We're gonna talk about that. Please know that making the decision and knowing what's safe, that's my job. And I take that job very seriously. We want our kids to know it's okay to be nervous. It is not though their job to assess safety. In terms of is it safe to go out,

is it safe to go to a friend's house and making it very clear to our kids, my number one job is to keep you safe. It's so reassuring for them. Now, what else would I do? I would try to make the unfamiliar, a little bit more familiar to your daughter. When a child is going into a new environment, they can get very overwhelmed by, oh, I didn't expect the wall color to be green. I didn't know that they have such noisy big wooden blocks at this house. I didn't know the wall color to be green. I didn't know that they have such noisy big wooden blocks

at this house. I didn't know there'd be five kids. I kind of thought there'd only be one kid. So helping your child know what to expect helps your child feel a little bit more in control. The goal here is not to try to convince our child to play with the other kids. The goal here is just to try to help our child

feel more comfortable in their own body. And knowing what to expect can accomplish that. From there, we want our kids to decide when they're ready to play or when they still want to watch. Again, we're not trying to control the outcome or their behavior, we're just trying to help them feel more prepared. So the next time you go out, I talk about the following with your daughter. What would be like to leave the house?

I wonder how that will feel. Hmm, I wonder what the car ride to, your friend's house will be like. How many kids do you think are gonna be there? I wonder, you know, I can find this out. Oh, too. I just found out it's going to be six. Wow, six is a lot more than two.

It's probably gonna be a little bit noisy when we walk in. Hmm, you know what I did? I got Anna's mom to send me a picture of the playroom. Do you wanna look at it together? Look, this is what the room's gonna look like. Huh, really big round table toward the back. Oh, magnetiles. Ah, those look like our magnetiles.

That's the same. Ooh, dump trucks. We don't have the kind of dump truck at our house, that's different. Now I'm gonna step out of the role play. What am I doing here? Obviously the specifics don't matter so much, but what I'm doing is I'm giving my child a preview. So instead of feeling both, ooh, what's going on here?

I don't know what to expect, the surprise of that. And feeling kind of the feelings around interacting with different kids, we remove the elements that are a shock. Right, so my child can show up, probably still a feeling a little hesitant about joining in, probably still feeling a little nervous about interacting with other kids. But there'll also be an element of, ooh, I knew this was going to be here. Oh, there's

that table I looked at with my mom. Those elements add safety. One more thing. I want to give you a really simple script when you arrive. There's almost nothing that a child who's hesitant wants to hear as much as, it's okay to take your time. You'll know when you feel ready to join, or you can stay near me as long as you like. Take all the time you need. When we let our kids know that we're comfortable with who they are, our kids start to feel more comfortable

themselves in who they are. our kids start to feel more comfortable themselves in who they are. This helps everyone be a little bit more explorative and to push themselves a little bit more outside their comfort zone when they're ready. Let's tie it all together with three takeaways. One, what would happen if we re-framed shyness as a form of confidence?

Try that out, watch how it changes how you feel, and then watch how that changes how you show up to your child. I have sometimes done this with my own kids. My child is clinging to my leg, and I'm watching all of their friends play happily. I try to say to myself, my kid is the confident one. Look at all those kids following the crowd.

My child really knows what's going on inside them. They are confident they are doing exactly what they need to be doing. Now to be doing. Now to be clear, I don't actually think there's anything wrong with children who separate quickly, but it's a powerful reframe that can help us stay regulated too. Let's stop labeling our kids and locking them into certain identities or roles. Every time our kid hears us say, you're being so shy, why are you so shy? Or over here's a saying, oh, you're so shy these days, I don't know what's going on with him. Our child tenses and they actually play into that label even more. Our kids are always looking at us, asking the question,

who am I and who can I be? Let's show our kids even when they're hesitant that they're so much more to them than the label of shy. Three, try out these words today with your child. Take your time. Only you know when you're ready. This is the essence of confidence building. As we're telling a child, you know what's happening in your body. You are the best feeler of your feelings.

You can be at home with yourself. Try this out, see what happens next. It wouldn't surprise me at all. If these are the words your kids need to hear to take a deep breath and on their own timeline, try something new. Kids who are labeled as shy need parents who can see and bring out their internal confidence. There's almost nothing I love talking about as much as rethinking what confidence is and how it is built. And this is exactly what I do in my rethinking confidence workshop. You'll end that workshop with a totally new way

of looking at self-esteem and with a ton of strategies to help your kids feel more at home with themselves. You can find this workshop and many others at learning.goodinside.com. Thanks for listening to Good Insider. Let's stay connected. At GoodInsider.com, you can sign up for workshops and subscribe to Good Insider. My weekly email with scripts and strategies delivered right to your inbox. And for more ideas and tips, check out my Instagram. Dr. Becky at Good Inside. Good Inside is produced by Beth Roe and Brad Gage, and Executive Produ by Erica Belski and me, Dr. Becky.

If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review. And if you really like the episode, please share it with someone you know. Many of you tell me that sharing an episode has allowed you to start conversations about tricky topics with spouses or extended family members and to bond and connect with fellow cyclebreakers. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves. Even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.