Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Mom Rage, Mom Guilt & Everything in Between

Episode Date: January 23, 2024

Parenting feels hard because it is hard. And all of the different emotions that come up can make parents feel like they're on a roller coaster. But that doesn't mean we can't find humor and have a little fun on the ride. Caitlin Murray, the brain behind the very entertaining Instagram account Big Time Adulting, joins Dr. Becky to talk about mom rage, mom guilt, and just about all the feelings in between.Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/48kdyx9Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastTo listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategyToday’s episode is brought to you by Qeepsake: As a parent, have you ever thought to yourself, “I wish I could push pause right now?” There are certain moments we want to remember forever...but as busy parents, it's hard to find the time to just sit down and put those memories into a book. Now, thanks to Qeepsake, capturing these moments is as easy as answering a text. Just a daily text from Qeepsake is all it takes to start saving photos, stories, and memories of your family. It’s also a simple way to connect and bond with your kids. And the best part? Qeepsake transforms all of your captured memories into a beautiful book. No matter if they're toddlers or already in school, each cutely mispronounced word, first day of school, soccer tournament win, and family memory is priceless. And it’s never too late to start. Visit Qeepsake.com and try it free for one week. Plus, you can take 20% off your annual or any gift subscription when you use code DRBECKY at Qeepsake.com to start preserving your family’s memories today.

Shout out to those of you who are also hanging on by a thread right now. If caffeine, hip-hop music from the early 2000s, and a string of expletives muttered under your breath are the only things keeping you going right now, then cheers, you're my people. If you don't follow Big Time Adulting on Instagram, definitely start following her today. Caitlin Murray is the brain behind the parenting real-talk videos and kitchen dance breaks that will stop you from doom-scrolling. Parenting can sometimes make us feel like we're the sole captain of a sinking ship.

Caitlyn's take on parenting will help you feel less alone and will help you see that your ship is actually totally afloat. She'll also remind you that when you're feeling like you're at the end of your rope, you might just need a snack. Hello, Caitlin. Hello, Becky. How are you doing today?

For real, like how did your day start out? I'm just gonna say it so everyone knows. It is 2.07 p.m., so for you and I, East Coast time, there's a lot of the day that's happened. You know, the mornings happen, sending the kids to school. How did that all go for you today? Pretty smoothly. I had Luke home this morning for his four-year checkup. And there was some pressure taken off of the hustle of the morning because there was one less kid to rush off to school because I was taking him to the doctor a little bit later. So it was one of those things that actually funny that you asked me about, I was thinking

about a little bit more than usual because I always feel like there was this feeling of being home with little kids that felt like I was so trapped for such a long time. And I kind of hated that feeling. And then this morning, alternatively, as it being like a break from routine, I really enjoyed our extra time together today. Yeah, and for me, you know, my oldest is now in sixth grade, so he's in middle school. And the amount of kind of personal responsibility

I've seen him take in the morning routine and so many parts of his day, did that just take 12 years to show? But the mornings are smoother because like you, I've actually feel like I have one fewer kid. Like he manages it. Yeah. When they hit that independent stride of being able to get their own crap together,

it's quite a game changer. And I have to be honest about my morning because the reality of what motherhood is like, the way we do or do not take time for ourselves, how that results in our reactivity or kind of ability to tolerate some of those crazy moments is something I really wanna get into with you. But I generally feel pretty good on Thursdays,

definitely Thursday mornings, because I always work out with a Thursdays, definitely Thursday mornings, because I always work out with a group of friends on Thursday mornings. We get together and it's 45 minutes and we prioritize it. I had to go to the other side of the park this morning. I actually left really early, my husband and most of the morning routine. I was like one very smoothly for me because I was walking

across the park, which was lovely. But it's become such an important part of my week. It's something even within Good Inside, like our company. I come in late because we even do breakfast together after, and people are like, what do you tell people that you have like a standing, you know, kind of medical appointment? I'm like, no, I say this is like a hugely important thing to me. And like, this is what I need to be the version of myself I want to be in all areas of my life. And it's like a standing, I don't know, self care connected to other adults moment. Yeah, totally. It's also probably really nice to feel like you're at a place in your life

and your career where you can do that. It's like rewarding on multiple levels, which is pretty cool. Yes. So on that note, like what are those things for you? Well, I am a little bit of an exercise junkie. I definitely run anxious and I just feel like the act of physically exercising and bringing my heart rate up to a level where it meets like the physiological heart rate that I've produced for myself when I'm feeling anxious physiological heart rate that I've produced for myself when I'm feeling anxious to have it get there from like an actual physical exertion way and then come down naturally makes me feel so much better. So that's why I'm always dancing. Usually like I'll like start the kitchen dance party like

when I'm literally just about to lose my shit. So it's a great way for me to deflect like angst. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be right back. As a parent, have you ever thought to yourself, I wish I could press pause right now and remember this exact moment. I know I have. And yet, as a busy parent, I can never find the time to sit down and put all of those memories into a book.

Well, thanks to Keepsake, capturing moments is as easy as answering a text. You heard that right. Just a daily text from Keepsake is all it takes to start saving photos, stories, and memories of my family. It's really that easy. It's also a simple way to connect and bond with my kids, especially my DfK who loves to help me respond to the text-based journal prompts. And the best part? Keepsake then transforms all of your captured memories into a beautiful book.

Whether you have a toddler or a school-aged child, every cutely mispronounced word, first day of school picture, soccer tournament win, and family memory is priceless. And it's never too late to start. Visit keepsake.com, that's Q-E-E-P-S-A-K-E.com, and try it free for a week. Plus you can use 20% off your annual

or any gift subscription when you use code Dr. Becky, D-R-B-E-C-K-Y at keepsake.com. That's Q-E-E-P-S-A-K-E dot com to start preserving your family's memories today. preserving your family's memories today. So wait, on that note, that kind of moment of I am about to lose my shit. You've been there. I've been there.

Every single person listening has been there, but you speak to it in this kind of clip. I'm going to play for us to listen from your, your Instagram. In this kind of clip, I'm going to play for us to listen from your, your Instagram. The things that surprised me most about becoming a mom was like how pissed off I feel sometimes. Like there is this rage that is unique to motherhood that's born out of this like very special combination of exhaustion, no one listening, the responsibility of always putting your needs aside to meet those of others the constant interruptions Yeah

That's me That's all of us right the not listening constant interruptions and That moment where you feel like you are about to lose your shit. 100%. With the constant interruptions thing, that part of it is really like, I think that that is basically like, if you break it down, what that means is you're feeling super overstimulated too.

Just like, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, question, question, question. Next thing, like, and questions that like, basically don't even have an answer, you know, questions coming out of the mouths of five and six year olds that are just ridiculous, like, gibber jabber. Any good examples? Like, what color was the slide that we went down tomorrow, you know, like, I don't, I don't know. I don't know.

You know, maybe you'll know, I always remember this comedian who was like, you will hear things on the streets and you will be thinking in your brain about like how to make sense of that. Like what color was the slide we went down on tomorrow? But don't spend the space in your head because there's no answer.

It doesn't make sense. Like, and you will be wracking your mind. And that is like so many kids' questions. You're so right. Yeah. And you're like trying to be this like engaged parent where you're like listening to them and answering their questions. But sometimes, you know, you just,

you gotta throw in the towel because like there's just this crazy town. Have you identified? It's a hard question, but I asked the hard question. So I'm not going to pretend that I'm not Caitlin just because I'm intimidated by you. Okay. Like, have you identified and maybe exercise is one of those things either? Like, what are the things I do here and there that just help me get to that overflowing moment less often?

Or even the opposite direction, like what are the trends of things that tend to happen where I'm like, wow, I'm there again and again and again, because on the surface, and it's true, people are like, well, don't we get there because our kids are annoying and they don't listen and they're overstimulating and they're tantruming? Yes, I'm not even arguing.

Of course, that's part of why we get to that reactive place. But I've always just found it really powerless to think that behaviors we don't like about ourselves. No one likes to scream at their kids. So I've always found it powerless to think like someone else is going to dictate whether I do something I don't want to do. And I'm always like, I'm not going to put it in my kids' hands to change their behaviors. Like I don't have that much faith in them.

Yeah. Right? Like I need to think even if it's just a small component, like are there things I can do to help myself not get to that moment? Or do I know there's patterns of things that tend to happen that, you know, are one of the reasons I get to that moment. So I'm curious if you've kind of, you know, deciphered that at all. Yeah, definitely. I mean, to be dead dog honest, I feel like with moments with my kids, like it's not like I completely lose my shit every time they're bugging me because that could be, you know, 75% of the day sometimes depending on the day, right?

Like, there are plenty of times where I can remain in control of my adult emotions or whatever. Not saying that I always do that, of course, we all lose our shit at points in time. But at this point, I also feel like just like looking back on those phases of life that I didn't always particularly enjoy too much in motherhood, like babies, newborns, toddlers, that kind of stuff. I found it, you know, mind-numbingly boring a lot of the time to be at home with the kids of that age, not stimulating, not particularly fulfilling, but important, nonetheless, all in one breath, right? But sometimes, to be honest, I don't know that there always is a solution to not feeling like that and not getting to that point where you feel like you're gonna lose

your mind because sometimes that's just the season of life that you're in and you're just putting one foot in front of the other grinding it out until the wind changes or you get to the next phase because for instance like right now my oldests are about to turn 10 and 8 and this phase is friggin awesome for me like some people don't like this phase. Sometimes, you know, this can feel like pre-teeny, like, kind of get crazier and stuff, but I thoroughly enjoy this stage where there's like more conversation, more intellectual stimulation going back and forth. I'm enjoying watching them become independent, like you're talking about all of that, and to watch it and to know that I stood there through those moments of fury

and frustration earlier on and boredom, it feels very rewarding. Yeah. Well, I guess I'm trying to think also about the difference between we can't solve our feelings. Like I agree, sometimes you're like, the stage is boring, this is unenjoyable, I feel over stimulated, but I'm thinking about the difference between our feelings and our reactions and our behaviors. But I actually think those two things are often not differentiated. So like just everyone here listening, like so maybe I am in that stage, Caitlin talked

about. Maybe I am in the stage of like, oh wait, I find this boring. I find this mind-numbing. I find this boring. I find this mind-numbing. I find this constantly overwhelming. And actually, one of the things we know is telling yourself the story that you're a bad parent for feeling that way is kind of more responsible for our reactive moments than the feelings themselves. Like, when you were able to say to ourselves, okay, this is really hard. It's okay to feel this way like actually Caitlin and Dr. Becky were just saying they both felt that way too

And they seem to know some things and at least there's three of us in the world then like now I'm in a community with other people There's like a less Loneness and so I think that's actually so much of what it's been for me is like the more I say to myself like I'm not a monster for feeling this way, this feeling about my kids right now doesn't define like who I am as a parent in some grand way. I don't go from like a nine to a one, but I might go from a nine to like an 8.8 and

then to like an 8.6 and then to like an 8.6. And then all of a sudden, like, I don't know, an eight can feel a lot more manageable or at least just survivable than a nine. Yeah, that feeling of external validation for your feelings is really powerful and really helpful. I think just to know that you're not in this situation alone and that like, you know, you're not failing this situation alone and that you're not failing,

you don't suck at your job as a parent because you're having a hard time with it or that your kids are acting crazy or whatever that is. I think probably you could say the same for yourself. A very validating experience for me personally is sharing through humor and reality the way that I've felt and having so many people be like, thank you for saying that because now I don't feel like I'm going crazy anymore. I'm like, oh my God, you're so welcome. We're all absolutely batched. 100%. Okay, so we get to this moment. We're building, we're annoyed, something's mind-numbing, something's overstimulating or Caitlin, you and I have talked about how these moments when you're a parent can be at once mind-numbing and overstimulating. It's like a very fascinating multiplicity, right? So I want to play another clip. So you're in this

moment when you want to give up, when you want to just kind of explode, give up, walk away, what to do. Let's hear. Co-parenting tip. When on the verge of a mental breakdown, when all hell has broken loose, when shit's piling up around the house and starts to resemble an episode of hoarders and your kids are so far up, your b**** you think you might need a doctor to get them out of there, take a second,

exit the room and strongly consider the idea of leaving your family. Let it bring you to tears because you know you'd actually be friggin' miserable without them. Then get back out there and resume your role as CEO of those little dickheads. Okay? You've got this. Laugh it off. Now get yourself a snack. A lot of people like that one. You never know which way it's going to go when you start to call kids dickheads on the internet. Well, I think one of the things you do in that moment is I just

hold as true when I listen to you and I, you know, heard that on Instagram. That's why I love following you. Like, I know you love your kids. You love your kids. Seems like you think they're good kids. And so if you hold that as foundational, having this moment of calling your kid a dickhead or saying, I am so not enjoying this moment of parenthood or sometimes it's like, I'm actually really not enjoying this stage. It's really not a moment.

It's like a bunch of years, you know, where nothing about playing with trucks right now is enjoyable. I'd really want to do anything else, but this thing with my four-year-old, when you can hold that truth or that kind of joking language next to something where you're like, I also know that I love my kids. Like I do. Then again, it just doesn't spiral so much. And I think one of the reasons this real like landed probably with so many people is because

it's so clear, anyone who follows you, how much love and joy you infuse into parenthood. So it's given so many parents, I think, freedom, to say like, okay, I can take that for granted about myself too. So I can then give myself a little more permission to have these like sparks of thoughts that are not so kind, you know, about the stage that I'm in.

Yeah, one of the things that I've always kind of hated a little bit about some like maybe pages where we're talking about kids or the troubles with kids that there's always this preface that people feel like they have to insert this disclaimer. I love my kids bup-up-up-up-up or whatever they were gonna say and I'm kind of like I think that or whatever they were gonna say. And I'm kind of like, I think that everybody that is like visiting my page, visiting your page, thinking that much about what it is to be a parent is already a fantastic parent.

Like the parents that don't actually care are not following parenting pages, whether it be humor, advice, or otherwise. And going back to that guidance, when you feel like step aside, let yourself feel the extreme version of your thoughts. I'm gonna leave my family, right? In some ways, I actually think

that's always a powerful strategy. Like just go to the most extreme. Let yourself go there. Like whenever we go to one extreme, our bodies actually do tend to want us to pull us back. And when we resist to the most extreme. Let yourself go there. Like whenever we go to one extreme, our bodies actually do tend to want us pull us back. And when we resist to the extreme, that's where like, you know, where we won't even allow ourselves to think about it.

We're sitting with a lot of conflict. But I'm curious, is this something you actually do? And then like, do you literally, like you're like, no, literally I thought that. And then I literally do go get myself a snack. Like that's a way of kind of taking a break. Like is this actually something you do or did during those years when things are extra

hard with your kids? You know, I think that something that I do and have always done is find opportunities for laughter and for humor. Whenever I'm really like going crazy at home or whatever, if I stop for a second and take a step back, I think what I find in it more is humor than despair because I do feel so grateful for my family and my kids and all that. And we've been through a lot here with my son and his health and his cancer treatment,

which he's thankfully doing great for now, but going through experiences like that, you know, like you contemplate what it would be like to experience the extreme loss of a family member of a child, how heartbreaking that would be. And so I think like in my being, in my life, I possess an incredibly deep sense of gratitude for my kids, which I think every mom does, really, every parent does. Most of us have been taught to take punishments and timeouts and consequences as a given. It's embedded in so many messages around parenting.

Well, if hearing this conversation is starting to make you skeptical, is making you wonder, huh, punishments and timeouts really might not be so effective. And that doesn't mean I'm soft. It actually just means I wanna be effective. But wait, if I'm not giving punishments, timeouts, and consequences, what am I doing? What am I doing instead? How can I make sure

my kids are getting what they need today to actually make the changes they need to make? I've got you covered. I am so excited to be hosting a live workshop focused on exactly this. Why punishments and timeouts and consequences don't work and what to do instead. That last part really matters. Here's what to do instead so your kids can stop hitting. Are rude less often. Do actually listen to you. I actually do have a roadmap from where their behavior is today to the outcomes we're all looking for and And I cannot wait to share it all with

you. For more information, check the links in my show notes or go to goodinside.com. And also, yes, it will be recorded, so if you can't make it live, no big deal, it's all there for you. good inside listeners. So sometimes with parenting, a podcast does the trick. And sometimes with parenting, we need a bit more. And I wanted to be sure you knew that we're set up to help you in those trickier times. The good inside membership platform is your parenting and psychopedia, coupled with a community of parents and experts you trust, which means that no matter what you're going through, we've got you covered. And then we take it a step further, because I know that we're people who don't just want to solve a problem and return to baseline.

We want to raise our baselines, right? And this is what we really do together. Reduce triggers, learn to set boundaries, and access that sturdy leader that I know is inside all of us. It's all there when you're looking for that next step. And until then, please do check out goodinside.com slash podcast.

Scroll down to the Ask Dr. Becky section at the bottom and let me know what you wanna talk about in future podcast episodes. You're able to, through humor, like, you know, to be in the moment, I don't know, my one, my kid's complaining about dinner. The other one is like drawing on the walls. The other one's screaming, I hate you. Whatever the situation is, we're like, oh my goodness.

The ability to find humor rests on like a really important psychological ability. Like in a way, you move from being like a character in this play to like an observer of the play. Like you're now in the audience and you're like, wow, that is a rough night. Like that is not a situation I'd want to be in. Like, oh, that's hard. Three kids all losing it at once And that's actually really useful because you're you're kind of stepping out enough to have this Perspective and then when you do step back in right which we all you know have to

You're coming from literally a different place, right? Like you're coming from the audience back in instead of feeling like stuck in this play that like is not such a fun play to be an actor. Yeah, it's not like I'm always able to step back and be like, ha, ha, ha, this is so funny. You know, like sometimes I'm like, this is not funny. And I'm actually like burnt out and touched out and I need a friggin break around here, you know? And I think that also goes back to like, there were seasons of time where I really felt that way all the time. At some point, I think I was able to step back and take a breath and make a joke about it. But in the moment, it doesn't necessarily always have to be like, oh, I can laugh at this. Like sometimes it's laughing

retrospectively at how crazy you were feeling. But just that idea of taking a break when that kind of craziness is happening in your kitchen, like it can really be that simple. I need a break. I'm stepping aside, guys. And I always find it's especially effective to implement. Like I actually do this in my home when my kids were younger, or especially I would say to them in a calm moment, hey, just so you know, there might be a moment today, tomorrow, where there's like a lot going on, you're all safe, it's

just a lot's going on. And I might say to you, I'm going to step aside and take a break. When I do that, I love you, I'm still your parent who can take care of you, it's just a sign that for my body, like I need to calm down. So that's what that means. I used to tell that to people and people would say, like, would your kids then respect that? I don't really think that it's about, like, do they then respect my need for space?

They understand it. Like, they then understand it. And then it becomes like anything else you can practice. When you've said that in advance, one out of some amount of time, she's not gonna say it every time in the heat of the moment, but if you say it once, your kids then have context to take it in.

And they're like, oh, my parent did kind of prep me about this. And so they really might give you, it might just be 15 seconds. But I think we all know sometimes 15 seconds in another room to take two deep breaths can work miracles compared to zero seconds. Yeah. And I mean, like there are times where, you know, you have a 13 month old that you can't take your eyes off for 30 seconds or a minute if you need to go take a breath because they might do something really dangerous while you're out of the room. And they just need that constant supervision, which is just so draining. But I think that like also just really owning the mentality that like

you to be the 100% supervisor all the time so that if you can take a break, if you have the support structure around you, that you deserve it and that we all need it and that you don't need to be like a martyr and handle everything all the time. Because I think like women from our generation, I think it's getting better all the time. But like, what was modeled for us was just that women take on everything for their families, for their kids, and that you

don't need to do that. You don't need to fill that role in life. It's not like a good structure. It's not a healthy structure. And that it should be broken. So on that note, I think we hear this. People are all saying that, like, yes, yes. And then I know the next thought. Okay. But when I do ask for help in my kids' protest, or when I do finally take that walk and I say, no, you cannot come with me because the point of the walk wasn't because I even wanted to walk. It was just because I wanted to be alone. I feel so guilty. Yeah, I have so much to say about this. I know you do too. So let's listen. Hey, if you've been feeling guilty, maybe like you screwed up or you totally lost

your shit, helping somebody get their shoes on, or maybe no one would eat a single thing you cooked, or maybe everybody's frigging ears fell off and no one's listened to you all day, don't worry about it. We all do it, we all mess up every mom since the beginning of time. It's just standard, typical part for the course, but that love of yours that shows up to work every day, that's enough.

Your love is enough, okay? So take that mom guilt on a drive and open up the door and drop bitch off on the side of the road and don't look back. Okay, so here you're talking about the guilt of yelling. There's also the guilt of prioritizing yourself and the pressure we put on ourselves.

And I think this is really important both to be perfect, which none of us are, you and I definitely are, not, but also like in some ways, we've defined being perfect parents as, like, always being with our kids or doing it ourselves, instead of at moments, like, you just said saying, I can ask someone to be with my kids, maybe I have a partner, maybe I have a parent, maybe I have a babysitter, maybe I have another mom and we kind of swap days and, you know, and I'm allowed to give that to myself.

But so many moms I hear about, there's so much guilt in those moments too. Yeah, I think that something that's important to also remind yourself in that moment where you're feeling that mom guilt is that no one has ever used the term dad guilt before. What is that? What is that?

Doesn't it? There's just, there's not the societal pressure on men to be the everything that moms are expected to be to their kids or that they feel like they need to be to their kids. And I think that's exactly what I was referring to in terms of like what previous generations have modeled for us and that martyrdom of feeling like you have to do it all. And the more you practice leaving that behind and taking care of your needs without letting the guilt creep in on you and really believing that you deserve to feel good without your kids at times is really important because you're a person too.

I 100%. I have to be honest about my reaction when I go to prioritize myself in some way. And I am not even like the word unavailable, but like, I guess I'm physically unavailable in that moment. You know, I think so much of the impact we have on our kid is the way they like kind of internalize and take in our support. And we forget that that's inside them, even when we're physically, I don't know, dancing with friends or going to work out or taking a walk. The reaction I have, okay,

and this is gonna sound like a little sick, but this is true. So I'm gonna give you all a different framework, because one framework is my kids upset that I'm not putting them to bed while I go out to dinner with my friends. Meanwhile, often in the situations, like they are being put to bed by someone

who we know they're safe with. Like they might not be their first choice, but like safety is like always still happening. What I say to myself, I really mean this, is I leave. And it's of course uncomfortable, but the framework I really try to enter into is, oh, such a bad mom. Oh, what kind of mom leaves her daughter when she's crying?

Like I could have just put her to bed and been late to dinner with my friends, you know, whatever I say to myself, not that one. It's this, it's like, what a gift, really, to my daughter. For her to watch me be, in general, a loving, caring mom to her. And for her to also watch me being a loving and caring adult to myself. What an amazing experience she's going to have going into other relationships, not just becoming a mom, saying, wow, being in a healthy relationship with someone means balancing how you take care of them and how you take care of yourself. Because the model

of a relationship that we develop with our kid is the model they will not only take into their adult life, but actually seek out from other people. And I don't think any mom I know says, I hope my child gets into a romantic relationship where they just lose themselves, like when they lose themselves and they just want to meet that other person's needs all the time. Like I've never heard that have you? No, no, absolutely not.

Never heard it. And so I always think like long term greedy with our kids. Like we are doing stuff, not just about the moment you say goodbye when your kids crying, because in general, in the course of both of our lives, it's actually like a small thing. But what's really big are the way kids take moments and form patterns and assumptions about relationships. And if you're a parent who wants your kid to know

that being in a close loving relationship with someone else still involves taking care of yourself, you can't teach that with words, you only teach it through your actions. Yeah. And if you really, really, really want that for them, then you also have to really, really, really believe that you deserve it too because you can't model it really unless you live it. And then whatever they see is what they are going to gravitate towards being. And I'm definitely not there. I go through the mom guilt. Like half of the

things that I say on my Instagram, if not 100% of the things that I say on my Instagram is me speaking directly to me. You know, I'm telling myself to stop feeling guilty and to throw that mom guilt bitch off the side of the road and keep on keeping on. And it's all a personal coaching moment all the time. Exactly right. There's one more thing I want to play that it just again struck me so much. And so I know you and I in general have talked about the stories were sold about parenthood. And then the reality, that is, it's a gap.

There's definitely a gap. So let's let's listen in on becoming a mom. I remember when I was pregnant the very first time, everybody I knew was so happy for me. And I get it because becoming a parent is this like, phenomenally miraculous event. But nobody was also like, by the way, this is gonna be super fucking hard. And not just like for a little while at the beginning, like for years.

Like, have you ever tried to change a dirty diaper on an unwilling two-year-old before because it's like wrestling a baby alligator and they fight dirty. And yes, there will be a break after the baby and toddler years and before the teen years, but from what I'm hearing, teenagers are a lot like really mean toddlers,

like very irrational and also extremely rude. And then what? You're just supposed to let these people that you love most in the world just go off out into the wild loose on their own without you. Like I'd like to put a tracking device on you, but that would be weird. And no matter how old they are,

you worry about them all the time. It's just like, I wanna be able to relax and not think about what you're doing all the time, but I'm in like a chokehold of love. Damn it. It's very hard. If you are thinking about becoming a parent, buckle the fuck up,

because it is a long and bumpy ride. Parents are strong and they're kind of like an old but durable rug that's regularly getting the dirt beaten out of it, but just manages to hold itself together. I am, you know, like I'm a 10-year-old rug now. You're as old of a rug as your oldest child. And I've also sort of said this recently that like you can't explain the extreme either end of parenting to anyone who hasn't actually been in it. So like I say that like everybody was happy for me, but nobody told me how hard it was going to be. Like I wouldn't have listened if someone was like,

this is gonna be so hard. I would have been like, no, no, no, you don't understand. Like I'm gonna be good at this because I know I am because I was born to do this. You know, I'm a woman, I can do this. So I'm gonna be great mother. And then like you have your first kid and you're like, whoa, oh, this is a little different from what I expected.

So, you know, it's just like, you cannot possibly fully comprehend the range of emotions and extremes until you've been there. You know, makes me think what I said to my son when I was pregnant with my second. I always found the same thing. I was like, I feel like it's crazy making what we do to toddlers.

Oh, you're so excited to be a big brother. It's gonna be amazing. You're gonna love every second. How do you like being a big brother? You're like asking a three-year-old to put words. How is it to be a big brother? Like, I don't know. All of a sudden, their whole identity to visitors is like,

you're a big brother. Like, is it amazing? Like, they're like, it's basically anything but amazing. Like, are you gaslighting me? You know, and I remember when people used to say that to him, I wouldn't try to be rude in the moment or after. And this is why you're real. Smoked me. I'd whisper to him, parts of it are going to be great and parts of it are going to be really not great. We know that, right? And we'd have like this. Because I think like it's true in some way, like we can't even comprehend the heart if someone told us. But

I've always found that being surprised by the intensity of a feeling, oh, this is hard, like just makes it more intense. So it's gonna be hard and that's intense. I just don't need to add to the intensity by feeling surprised by it or by feeling like, oh, no one else feels this way. So, yes, that extra whisper of like, and it's gonna be like really hard. And in some ways, I think all of us right now probably still need to say that to ourselves. We're still carrying the legacy of like this is supposed to be only the positive extreme, right? That there's still moments where it's nice to say to yourself like, yeah, like it really is this hard sometimes. That's like, one of my favorite mantras is just this feels hard because it is hard. Like, we're supposed to feel things as they are.

Like, so things that are hard are supposed to feel hard. That's not enjoyable, but that's just parallel. It's so important, I think, for parents. It's for us to still give that to ourselves now. Yeah, nothing that I've ever done that was easy gave me any lasting feeling of personal fulfillment, you know? So, you're going to have to go through something that can be pretty hard, a challenge, overcome

things to gain a more like meaningful lasting feeling of accomplishment fulfillment. And I hate to like categorize a kid as an accomplishment, but just and I don't mean it as your kid is your accomplishment, but your accomplishment is going through it with them. Caitlin, thank you for this. I can always kind of lean on you for honest thoughts about things and providing the whole range of your experiences. So thank you. And I know that anyone here who's not already following you will want to. So where can everyone find you?

Everyone can find me at Big Time Adilting on Instagram. Amazing. Thank you for lowering our mental load. And I will be looking forward to talking to you again soon. Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com slash podcast. You could also write me at podcast at goodinside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world. And parents deserve resources and support

so they feel empowered, confident and connected. I'm so excited to share Good Inside membership, the first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like-valued parents. It's totally game-changing. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi,

Julia Knapp and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Eric Kibelski, Mary Panico, and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle, and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.