Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Mom, Where Is My Water Bottle? And Other Executive Functioning Mysteries

Episode Date: August 6, 2024

There are certain topics that come up time and time again with parents. Executive functioning is one of them. If you're wondering how to help your child develop more self control, more emotion regulation, stick to routines, have more sustained focus, and build resilience, then this episode is for you. Certified ADHD professional and author, Zac Grisham, joins Dr. Becky to discuss strategies we can use to increase our kids' executive functioning skills that will serve them for life.Get the Good Inside App by Dr. Becky: https://bit.ly/4doK9nFJoin Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/465BjceGood Inside's Back to School Toolkit: https://bit.ly/46yGEswFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastTo listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategyToday’s episode is brought to you by Mommy's Bliss: It seems like during the school year, kids are always coming home with something! And finding an over-the-counter medicine that Dr. Becky trusts can be a real challenge. That's why she loves Mommy's Bliss. Mommy's Bliss has been the highly trusted baby brand for 25 years, and if you’re a parent, you probably know about their Gripe Water or Vitamin D drops. Now, they’ve launched a new Pain & Fever medicine that is not only safe and effective for infants and children, but it's also the first-ever Clean Label Project Certified acetaminophen. Here’s what that means for parents: no high fructose corn syrup, no dyes, no artificial sweeteners, and it's free from the top 9 allergens. But don’t worry— they didn’t leave out the part kids actually care about. It has a delicious natural berry flavor with organic elderberry, which means kids don’t put up a fight when it’s time to take it. For minor aches and pains caused by colds, flu, sore throats, and toothaches, there's Mommy's Bliss Pain & Fever. Now that's medicine for peace of mind. Today’s episode is brought to you by Skylight: Let's talk about family schedules. You know those days when you're like, "Wait, who has soccer? What's for dinner? Did I forget a dentist appointment?" Yeah, Dr. Becky too. All. The. Time. Skylight Calendar has been a lifesaver in her house. It's a smart, touch-screen calendar that auto-syncs all of her existing digital calendars. That way, they can see their schedules, chores, meals and to-dos, all in one place. No more confusion and honestly no more unnecessary arguments with her husband about not knowing what our plans are! The best part? It's kid-approved. Nothing gets a kid more excited about chores than an emoji celebration when they're completed. If you're drowning in sticky notes and forgotten appointments, check out skylightcal.com/goodinside and use code GOODINSIDE for $50 off a 15" calendar.

Are you like me in that you blame yourself whenever your kid is going through a hard stage, but then it gets better you double blame yourself for, quote, waiting so long to get help? Well, I have news for you. I think the reason you might not have taken that next step of getting help is because actually you know that you're so busy and you might not utilize whatever the thing is that you would invest in. This is why I want to make sure you know about the Good Inside app. It is brand new and it is the first tool for busy parents that gives them the personalized age-based advice they can actually use. Here's how it works.

You tell us what's going on in your home and you tell us your kids age and then you get a personalized plan that you can accomplish in only five minutes a day and yes that is all you need to have real impact right away. You can do it when you're brewing coffee, waiting in the pickup line, scrolling in bed at night or my personal favorite when I'm sitting on the toilet. And what's amazing is because it's personalized to age you know the advice is developmentally appropriate. Plus there's a chat bot so whenever you have a question you can ask it and get an answer to implement right away which means no more spiraling on unanswered questions. I know now is the time for you to get started because finally there's a

parenting tool that actually makes sense for your life. I cannot wait for you to get in there and get your first parenting win today. Check out Show Notes and download the Good Inside app today. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. Today I'm going to be talking about executive functioning. This is a topic that comes up over and over with parents, and it relates to so many of the struggles we see with our kids day to day. Being able to want something and not have it, being able to plan and stay organized,

being able to think about things in the future, these all are related to executive functioning. I'm going to be talking to Zach Grisham, a certified ADHD professional and the author of Scattered to Focused, Smart Strategies to Improve Your Child's Executive Functioning Skills. I can't wait for you to listen and get actionable strategies you can use right away.

We'll be back right after this. I can't wait for you to listen and get actionable strategies you can use right away. We'll be back right after this. It seems like during the school year, my kids are always coming home with something. And finding an over-the-counter medicine for my kids that I trust is a real challenge. And this is why I love Mommy's Bliss. Mommy's Bliss has been the highly trusted baby brand for 25 years. And if you're a parent, you probably know about their gripe water or vitamin D drops. Well, now they've launched a new pain and fever medicine that's not only safe and effective

for infants and children, it's also the first ever clean label project certified acetaminophen. Here's what that means for parents. No high fructose corn syrup, no dyes, no artificial sweeteners, and it's free from the top nine allergens. But don't worry, they didn't leave out the part that kids actually care about. It has a delicious natural berry flavor with organic elderberry, which means my kids don't put up a fight when it's time to take it. For minor aches and pains caused by colds, flu, sore throats, and toothaches, there's mommy's bliss, pain, and fever. Now that's medicine for peace of mind. Hi, Zach. Hi, how are you?

I'm good. So good to have you here. And I'm especially excited because the topic I know we're going to discuss is something that parents ask me about all the time and I have so many thoughts on. I know you have so many thoughts on it too. And so I thought I would just jump in by kind of saying executive functioning, right? I know parents now listening are like, oh, yes, yes, an episode on executive functioning. I hear about this at my school.

I heard about this from another parent. I keep reading about this online. So many things I know the two of us want to say to parents around it, but let's just start maybe with a definition. What is executive functioning? There are many subsets of it, but really it's just our ability to organize our world and our reality using our prefrontal cortex, our ability to inhibit our instincts, our ability to have that short-term memory to be able to solve problems on the go and the ability

to plan ahead. You know, all of these skills that are needed for everyday life that, you know, for some of us, it's a little bit more difficult. I think what you're also talking about this category of skills, kind of long-term planning, organization, inhibition of impulses, right? Emotional dysregulation, processing speed, all of those things. And all of these things, I feel like a lot of those skills are a little bit countercultural, especially in this culture we live in now, which is kind of all about instant gratification.

Is that fair to say? Yeah, absolutely. And we're just being bombarded with a lot of different, you know, stimulation as well. And so it's almost like, you know, we have to go through it so quickly. And in some ways, you know, that's an advantage for those of us with ADHD. But in a lot of other ways, it's not. Because we do need to inhibit those impulses, like you said, and plan ahead and be able to solve problems on the go. Yeah. And so just everyone listening, I just want you to think about some of the things you

probably feel frustrated about with your kids because I think a lot of these things apply, right? So even like, oh, like my kid knows not to hit their sibling. Okay. Well, this is a good example. I always say there's nothing wrong with having the impulse or the urge to hit. We all have urges to do things all the time. But in order to not hit, you have to do something called inhibit your impulse or your urge. Or when we say to our kid, maybe he was even a little bit older, come on, you knew to bring your water bottle, you have soccer practice after school. Okay, well I have to be in my house thinking about what I'm doing after school, planning

today for something later or maybe planning today for my test in a week. That's this long-term planning. When I'm out in the world and there's an issue on the playground, I have to have kind of real-time problem-solving abilities. When we say to our kid, oh, why did you say that to your friend? To some degree, again, we're talking about this real world problem solving in the moment. And so I think so many of the things we struggle with with our kids and me too as a parent, we feel frustrated with, relate to executive functioning.

Exactly. And it's very anxiety producing for parents. And it's very frustrating that, you know, we have to kind of say the same thing over and over again. But because of that, we don't want to make sure that we do that in ways that's going to affect the child's thoughts about themselves. And you're exactly right. When we're talking about the inhibition, I kind of use the analogy of a fast car. Kids with ADHD or executive dysfunction, they have a very fast car oftentimes. It's just their brakes are need a little work. Underdeveloped.

Yeah. They're there. They're there, but they're underdeveloped and they can develop. So I want to ask you a couple of questions. I want to talk about ADHD too, but I also want parents to know executive function matters even if your kid doesn't have ADHD. This is just kind of right. So how do executive functioning skills develop in kids? Because there's not an age where you're just gifted it, right?

That's not how it works? No. Okay. It's not a birthday present. No. And it's not like we're going to get to a certain age and then, oh, it's all there. Hopefully, you can kind of think of it as a gap, and the gap can close throughout their teenage years. But how they develop is just over time with repetition.

We're gonna need probably three times more repetition when it comes to feedback, because we're going to take a lot longer for those routines or for those things that we just naturally learn on a day to day basis to really sink in. So they develop with kind of feedback and practice? Absolutely.

Yes. And I just want to double down on that for parents because parents ask me this all the time and Zach, I say something very similar to you. They say, well, when will my kid be able to be more organized with their homework? At what age will my kid stop hitting? Like at age eight, at age 16, whatever these ages are. And I always say, age has never given skills. That's like me saying,

when will I be a professional figure skater when I'm 16? And someone would be like, well, what are you doing from age two to 16? Like if that matters to you. So what we do in the years is what helps our kids develop and definitely gain skills, but age on its own. And I know parents find that, oh, really? But there's something really empowering in that.

You don't have to wait. You're not waiting for some age. You could say, oh, so I can do small things here and there? That could actually change the trajectory of my kid's life? Yes, we can. And that's what we're going to talk about. And also, if my child doesn't have those skills yet, it doesn't necessarily mean it's your fault as a parent or that it's their fault as the kid.

And so it is frustrating though, because we all naturally compare and we see, well, the other children are able to do this. Why is my child not able to do this? And if we don't understand ADHD, we're going to come up with some kind of explanation that's probably not the best that might be damaging, whether it's internally for the child or the parent as well. So how do you see the link for everyone? I know we have a lot of parents who their kids do have ADHD or they suspect that.

What is the link or the relationship maybe between ADHD and executive function? Well, executive functioning skills like impulse inhibition, processing speed, short-term working memory, the ability to sustain focus, those are all key points when it comes to a diagnosis for ADHD. And so it's almost that any child with ADHD is going to have some sort of executive dysfunction when they're not quite meeting the developmental milestones for those skills. And so, I would say that you don't have to have executive dysfunction to have other diagnoses, but to have ADHD, you will have some sort of executive dysfunction. And so, for people listening again, understanding what these executive functioning kind of struggles

look like, or understanding how that can relate to ADHD, it gives us a framework to understand our kid. And then instead of often taking it personally, or we kind of blame, we either often when we don't understand something with our kid, we tend to blame them or ourselves. And usually neither, almost always. It's not our fault. It's not our kids fault We might just not understand it and I think what you're saying is this is a framework to help understand

Oh, that's why my kid struggles in this way. Absolutely and to understand that again, it's not your fault I think so many parents can beat themselves up and they're worried about You know getting a diagnosis for having a label or is this gonna be an excuse for my child? But in reality, it is just creating a new way of perceiving all of this and kind of normalizing it to some degree. I think that's so powerful, right? I don't hear parents say like, diabetes is an excuse.

And you're like, what? What are you talking about? Now that you know you're good as diabetes, it sounds like now you actually have a shot at helping them. I mean, you can't do that without knowing that. So I always say that the difference between an explanation and an excuse is just where the responsibility lies within us.

I have ADHD myself. And so if I'm expecting the entire world to change for me, then that is an excuse. But if I'm expecting myself to adapt, and it can be the same for your child as well. If you're expecting the entire world to change, that's probably unreasonable. But if you yourself and the family can adapt and we can work on advocating for certain adaptations in school, then it's not an excuse, it's just an explanation that we're working through. I love that so much. I also just to drive this point a little bit further home for our parents, and then I want to ask you about some concrete strategies for different parts of executive

functioning. I don't know why I often use sports as like a metaphor where if I'm a tennis coach, and I don't know, I see my tennis player that I'm trying to coach always hit the ball into the net. Obviously, the ball is supposed to go over the net. Yes. Okay. You don't have to know too much about tennis to know that. But if I don't understand why it's going to the net, I'm not going to be able to help them because there actually could be a million reasons.

Maybe they're not strong enough and they need, I don't know, muscle training. Maybe it's their form. Maybe it's their grip. Maybe it's their body position. Maybe they're actually just saying really negative things. So it's actually their self-talk. And so trying to understand my kid is a necessary step to be able to effectively help my kid just like it would be for an athletic coach.

Absolutely. Okay. So there's so many different areas of executive functioning and I just would love, it's like a game, Zach. I'm going to name one and you're going to share your brilliance. Okay. I'm going to name one. And then I'd love us to think together about, okay, so if parents hear this and say, oh boy, yeah, my kid needs this area of executive functioning help.

Like what are, what's a way of understanding it? Really? What are some things I can do? Right? So here's a big one. And it has to do with inhibition of impulses, right? Self-control. Self-control.

How do you understand that? And how do you help families if they're saying, ding, ding, ding, my kid definitely needs more of that. And if it's not going to be a gift for them, I guess I got to work on it. What can we do? Well, first, with almost any of these, we have to kind of reframe how we're looking at everything. We're not going to be able to have any intervention that is going to be like a light bulb. So I always try to talk to parents about

these are seeds that we're planting that hopefully start to bloom in the future. And so when it comes to self-control, we've got to look at it through that lens. Because if we're expecting the child to, you know, meet that marker four times out of five or perfection in some way, then we're probably going to be disappointed. And so for me, really, when it comes to self-control, I think of it as more of inhibition of impulses. We've got to become aware of when those times are that we're the most impulsive and then discuss what is the thought process behind that.

So I'm a really big proponent of we allow the child to make a mistake, we give feedback, but after the fact, coming back and talking about it. The more that we're able to talk about it and slow things down, we're understanding, like you said earlier, where their brain is coming from. Yeah. So let's say a parent's like, this sounds like my kid.

I just found them. This has happened before. They like, I don't know, they took all the candy from the candy jar and they know they're supposed to take one or none. And this would, I don't know. Right. So walk us through. When you say, okay, I should talk to my kid about it after, what would that look like?

So yeah, I mean, obviously, if there's a limit on the candy, which, you know, let's hope there is, you know, there if there's a limit on the candy, which let's hope there is, there would have to be some consequence, but even an hour or a day later, we can come back and say, all right, so we need to have a talk, and kind of make that a regular thing, a talk time, problem solving time regarding,

okay, what were you thinking? What were you feeling? What did you do that you wish you could have done differently? And things like that so that we can kind of, cause in the moment their brain is working so fast fast they're not thinking about all of those things. You know now those are those are times after the fact when we catch them you know if we can get them beforehand like let's say the big thing I hear is lying that to me is twofold that is impulse control and it's also avoidance. I'm trying to avoid some sort of

negative feedback that I don't like or just discomfort in some way that I don't like. So I think it's important to, if they do lie, we want to, yes, catch them, but give them 10 seconds. Give them five seconds, a pause button, so that they can actually think because what they're walking around in is that world that's going so fast without those brakes, and they get to that point and they're like, Oh my gosh, what am I going to do now? Well, a lot of times because I'm impulsive, I'm going to double down, you know, so just try to if you can give them, okay, I'm going to let you think about that for five seconds. Or I see that you're really angry right now,

I'm going to give you about 10 seconds to think about that, and what is the best reaction. Or maybe even the, instead of pause, the rewind, hey, you need to do that over. So that they can slow their brain down and practice that. I love this idea, and that self-control is a skill. Absolutely. And to be honest, I know I'm still working on it.

Even my candy example is probably on my mind because I'm like, maybe Zach will give me a strategy to not eat more candy than I told myself I would eat. Because I think we forget with our kids who are working on these skills, we're working on these skills. Seeing a big jar of candy when you say, okay, I'm going to have a couple of them is really hard for us. Or having, I know my partner say even like, oh, did you get to the paper?

Like I asked you, like my first instinct is like, yep, yep, I did. And then a lie to his face, not because I'm a horrible person. I'm like, oh shoot, I forgot. And so I actually think so important also with all these skills is just reminding ourselves like these are all skills. This is an ongoing practice. And so I actually think so important also with all these skills is just reminding ourselves like

these are these are all skills where this is an ongoing practice. And that they are skills to be developed and not just necessarily character traits. That's exactly right. I think so often we just throw those labels on kids like you said, and I do it as well. My wife will ask me what do you have for lunch and I'll say salad and I really had as well. My wife will ask me, what do you have for lunch? And I'll say salad. And I really had a sandwich. Like, it's not like I'm eating a hamburger, but it's like, why did I say that? One, it could have been impulse control.

Two, it might've been memory. I might've actually thought in that moment, I got it mixed up with the day before, you know? And so, so many times I have parents that come to me and my child is a liar. They're all of these were a sociopath. And in reality, it's just a child that is very impulsive and scared. Yes, I love that framing so much.

And I think along the lines of skills too, one of the things I want to give parents right now is the truth is, if we use my candy example, right? And this is true for so many things in life. I am always going to want more candy than I tell myself I'm gonna have. And I think too many times we intervene with our kid, like, I said three pieces, three pieces should be fine. And we don't realize, but what we're saying to a kid is,

you shouldn't have the impulse you have. That's a losing strategy. We can't change our impulses. And our impulses aren't problem. The problem is when our impulse converts into an action we can't control. So the opposite strategy, even though it's counterintuitive, is really useful. Hey, yeah, sure. You can go get some candy. Hey, I just want to put it out there. I know I said you could have three. Make this up, right? You're probably going to want 20. Like I know when I go, I

want 20. So let's just name that. You want 20. I want 20. It's so hard to want 20 and only take three. I wonder maybe like right now, let's take a deep breath. Let's remind ourselves you'll get candy again tomorrow and remind ourselves we can do things that are hard. Now I'm actually giving my kid something they can do in the moment when they want 20 and they're only supposed to take three versus when we say to a kid, you know, three is a lot. You should be grateful for three. That doesn't speak to the reality, which is like it's not about gratitude. It's just about desire and chocolate, like being delicious. And like, I'm not preparing my kid for that moment.

And I love that you're validating that impulse, and that's okay. You know, it feels strange probably to a parent to do that, but I always say that's like steering against, or steering into the skid, you know, when you're driving on ice. It feels like the wrong thing to do, but it's actually what you're supposed to do to make sure you don't on ice. It feels like the wrong thing to do, but it's actually what you're supposed to do to make sure you don't spin out. Can we talk about family schedules for a second?

You know those days when you're like, wait, who has soccer? Wait, what's for dinner? Oh no. Which parent is taking which kid to a dentist appointment? Okay, me too. All the time.

So many moments of panic. So I stumbled upon Skylight Calendar. And honestly, it's been a lifesaver in our house. It's a smart touchscreen calendar that auto syncs all of our existing digital calendars. And so we can see our schedules, chores, meals, to-dos, all in one centralized location. Which means no more confusion, and honestly, no more unnecessary arguments with my partner about not knowing what our plans are.

And the best part? It's kid approved. Trust me, evidently nothing gets a kid more excited about completing chores than an emoji celebration. If you're drowning in sticky notes and forgotten appointments, and if you have lots of those panic, oh my goodness, who's on top of this moments? I just have a feeling you're going to love Skylight Calendar. So just go to skylightcal.com slash good inside and use code good inside for $50 off a 15 inch calendar. That's S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T-C-A-L dot com slash good inside.

Okay, get ready for the most relieving, not at all stress-inducing message about back to school, I promise. I know that with back to school, there are just all these first day of school jitters and dramatic drop-offs, and of course, after school meltdowns and lunchbox dilemmas. It's a whole thing. The back to school transition just brings a new set of obstacles for us as parents. This is why I just wanna make sure you know

about Good Inside's brand new back to school toolkit, which is now available in our new Good Inside app. Let me explain the toolkit because it's completely different from what we've done before, and it's meant for really busy parents. So here's what you get. Five minute transition tips. You get something delivered daily right to your phone

that you can use in your home right away to make back to school easier. You get the Good Inside chat bot. So when you have that question about, what do you say right now in drop off, can use in your home right away to make back to school easier. You get the Good Inside chatbot. So when you have that question about, what do you say right now in drop off, it's like I'm there whispering to you in your ear. You also get a live back to school workshop with me on August 14th at 12 PM Eastern.

And yes, it'll be recorded. This is for the parent who just feels good having something on their schedule because they know that's the way to make it happen. You also get a comprehensive library. We've seen it all and we know how to help. I want to make a promise to you and I take that seriously. These tools will effortlessly integrate into your everyday life because helping your kid thrive should complement your lifestyle, not complicate it. And yes, if you have a deeply feeling kid or a neurodiverse

kid, this is also for you. We've got you covered. Follow the link in my show notes to learn more and download today. So I'm not sure if you know this, but building resilience in kids is really what got me started with everything at Good Inside. I want to help you make things in your home easier day to day.

But if I have to be honest, what I really want is for you to raise kids who are sturdy and confident, resilient, able to cope with anything that comes their way. And if we want our kids to become those adults, well, what we do in their childhood really matters. One of my personal favorite workshops within Good Inside membership is the Building Resilience and Frustration Tolerance Workshop. I promise you that after taking this workshop you're going to see positive impact in your kids academic behavior and how they approach homework

and how they approach sibling and peer relationships because frustration tolerance and resilience are truly the gifts that keep on giving. And by the way, if you're not a workshop person, I totally get it. That's why we have a whole carousel of short videos and scripts on these topics as well. You can find it via the link in your show notes or when you go to goodinside.com and get started by joining, you can find it all in our member library. Okay. I want to talk about routines, right? So creating routines, following routines, this is another part of executive functioning. So I think for so many families, they really struggle with transition moments, leaving

for school, going to bath or shower, picking up a towel. How do routines play into an executive function and what can families do to kind of help their kids master routines? I mean, absolutely. We all need routines. I mean, it just makes things easier in life when we don't have to actually think about everything and it's internalized within us. That's just that feeling you get when you don't have to actually think about everything and it's internalized within us. That's just that feeling you get when you don't have your wallet or your phone.

It's like, I know I have to get that. That leads to less stress in life as well. But for me, I think it's first important to use our environment to remind ourselves of these routines. Whatever the routine is, we need to be able to use visuals and tools to be able to remind ourselves of these routines. You know, whatever the routine is, we need to be able to use visuals and tools to be able to remind ourselves of what are these things that we need to get. If it is at the end of the night,

I need to brush my teeth, I need to go to the bathroom, I need to say goodnight to my sister. You know, how do I remember all of those things at once? And so it might be just as simple as a visual chart, you know, pictures. And I know that it might seem infantile, you know, for some kids, but we do have to remember that, you know, in some of these ways, which I want to also say, you know,

the population of children with executive dysfunction are oftentimes very gifted as well, but it may seem infantile, but I think it's really important to be able to have that because the more that we're able to see the visuals, the more we're able to adapt our environment to remind ourselves of these things, these habits, the more likely it is that they're going to start to be internalized. I always say, imagine living your life for a week where someone didn't give you access to your calendar. Yeah.

Like I just picture my life like this and being in the worst mood, being so cranky to my husband. And I feel like if my husband's like, wait, is this just about you not having some like visual representation of your life in order? I mean, maybe we don't have some major issue between us. Like maybe you just don't have access to your calendar. I'd be like, wow, I think that was 99% of my bad mood.

Because you go about the world having so much, there's so much uncertainty. You feel like the world is doing things for you. You have no sense of order. And so I think it's true. I hear resistance from parents too, because I get it. Coming up with some type of visual or even writing out a calendar, honestly, I was resistant to it too. I was like, oh, it's going to take so much time.

But then I realized like the amount of time I spend managing my kids meltdowns and kind of difficult moments, like that's also a lot of time. And so I was like, we can spend time preparing, or we can spend time reacting. They're going to spend time either way. And it's actually shorter. And so I just went away on a work trip and putting up a little calendar for my kids because I'm not there helped them so much getting my kids bedtime and transition out the door routine down was so helpful. And so I get

the resistance from parents, but I love what you're saying, Zach. Just like try it. Try it for like a week. And I think parents are amazed by how often that really helps things. Yeah. And give yourself grace as well. Because I think so many parents, one, if we're dealing with the executive's function, that's going to be highly heritable or genetic. So some of the parents may have these issues as well. And so they may start it off one week

and they're really good about sticking to a routine, but then things kind of fall off. Maybe go vacation, you come back and kind of back into old ways. That's okay. It's always just about picking yourself up and trying it again. But so many parents, well, that doesn't work. We would kind of just throw it away after the first resistance. And so I just encourage all parents to forgive themselves and understand that they're not

going to be perfect with this and that this is a skill that for you might be developing as well. That's exactly right. Okay, one more I want to go over because it's like seriously my favorite focus also. So selfishly I want to talk about it. Resilience building resilience as related to executive function. Talk to me a little bit about this. Well, if you think of resilience, you're going to need your executive functioning skills to be a resilient person.

You're going to need the ability to be able to solve problems pretty quickly, to move on from problems, and not stew in them. You're going to need the ability to organize yourself and come up with a new solution if you've hit the mat. And so you're going to need all of that. Saying that, you're also going to need it because any child with executive dysfunction is probably two to three times more likely to get some sort of redirection or negative feedback.

And so we get in trouble a lot when we have the children that get that feedback and then start to personalize it and label themselves and then they get stuck. And so it's really important to be able to solve those problems quickly, but also make sure that we're not labeling ourselves those things. And I think that's kind of where it comes into play again,

having that diagnosis is helpful. And I think it could help with resiliency in that this is my explanation rather than I'm a bad person. Yes. So, and the other thing I don't know about you, Zach, I'm curious what you think. I think often go hand in hand. I think they're like really very close cousins.

When I think about building resilience, I think it goes hand in hand with, you know, this term frustration tolerance. Absolutely. Right? Because resilience really isn't our ability to like get to success. It's not our ability to like get it right. I actually think resilience is our ability to tolerate the inherent frustration of challenges,

of, oh, I'm tying my shoe. And guess what happens when you learn to tie your shoe? It's so frustrating. Or I'm learning to'm tying my shoe. And guess what happens when you learn to tie your shoe? It's so frustrating. Or I'm learning to put on my clothes, or I'm just learning something new. Those are inherently full of frustration. Learning is an inherently frustrating experience. And I think for our kids,

when we look to bring them to success right away, or we expect it, we actually put our frustration on top of their frustration. On top of theirs, yes. Instead of, I know for my kids, when they're learning to tie their shoe, and they're frustrated, or when they're putting on their clothes and they're frustrated when they're younger, or trying to figure out how to get out the door and make sure they have their water bottles as they get older, whatever it is. Honestly, as a parent, if we switch our mindset

to be like, wait, my goal isn't actually to get my kid out of frustration. My goal is to help them tolerate frustration. Now when they're annoyed a little bit inside, I can say, wait, I can show up in this moment. Instead of giving them a solution, I can say, oh, you're right, it is hard to learn how to tie your shoes. That's hard for me too. Or look, you are trying to get used to getting your homework folder

and following this checklist we have. And so it makes sense you're frustrated because you're really just learning how to do have. And so it makes sense you're frustrated because you're, you're really just learning how to do this. And when we normalize frustration, when we believe that our job isn't to give our kids success, but to actually help them tolerate frustration, I think that really builds this kind of resilience muscle. I'm curious if you see those two things as related.

Absolutely. And I see it as yes, let's focus on the process of getting there rather than the end result. Because like I said earlier about, you know, planting seeds so many times as parents, we just want the quick fix. And we want the behavior to just stop and change. And in reality, you know, that's not the way that it is. And so I think, yes, absolutely, like you said, let's embrace dealing with the frustration. I kind of frame it from a perception of rejection, you know, rather the frustration or rejection.

And so many times, you know, those of us with ADHD can develop that sensitivity to rejection, but it's important that we just develop the skills to be able to separate that feedback from the self, you know, that redirection. And I think a big part of that again, comes back to understanding ourselves and understanding ADHD and what it is and how it affects us on a day-to-day basis.

And I think as a parent, you know, you can't expect an eight-year-old to do that, but as a parent, you can try to work on that. And how do I model that for a child, that I'm understanding ADHD? And we're working on it as an explanation. We're working on strategies to adapt. It's not an excuse, but an explanation. And so, yeah, I absolutely see that connection that you're making. Any strategy you have around building resilience that you know is really helpful for parents

to try to play around with in their home? Yeah, again, just to be focused on problem solving in the moment. What is multiple perspectives or different ways to solve a problem? Also try to be as focused on encouragement rather than praise. Like you said, we want to encourage the process of getting through this rather than the end result. So that might sound like I can tell you've really been working on shooting that basketball. You've really put in a lot of practice on dribbling, not you're a great dribbler. Because if we focus on that and the way that we give that positive feedback, then we're

prioritizing the process of working through it rather than just getting to the end result. Because I think so many times those of us with ADHD are frustrated that we can't immediately get to that end result. And I encourage parents to really work on embracing the process rather than just focusing on the end result. Beautiful. Any last thoughts you want to share with parents listening? You know, one, I have ADHD myself, executive dysfunction. My son does as well. I can empathize. I think it's just really, really important to understand

and embrace the process, as I said, but try to avoid comparisons, try to avoid being hard on yourself, personalizing things, try to avoid your child's dysfunction or executive dysfunction as a referendum on yourself. If you're here, you're listening. If you're reading, you're doing something. So give yourself some grace and then just embrace the process.

So, so powerful. Thank you, Zach. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com slash podcast, or you could write me at podcast at goodinside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world, and you deserve resources

and support so you feel empowered and confident for this very important job you hold. I'm so excited to share Good Inside membership. It's the first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like-valued parents. It's game-changing and built for a busy parent who wants to make the most out of the few minutes they have. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julia Knapp, and Kristen Muller. I

would also like to thank Erica Belsky, Mary Panico, Brooke Zant, and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside. Good. Good. Inside.