Good Inside with Dr. Becky - My Kids Are Out of Control, What Should I Do?

Episode Date: August 17, 2021

When your child's actions and words seem totally out of control, it means they *feel* out of control. In these moments, kids need our help differentiating between their behavior and their feelings: They're a good kid having a hard time, not a bad kid doing bad things. In today's episode, Dr. Becky talks with three parents about navigating tantrums at their worst. She talks through trusting yourself as your family's sturdy leader (especially when family members don't understand your approach), and walks through multiple strategies to use inside and outside of the moment. Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3cqgG2A Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Order Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books. For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast

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your order. Molissa and Doug, timeless toys, endless possibilities. Hi, I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us in that moment.

So even as we struggle, and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain good inside. In this episode, we'll be talking about out of control moments. Let me start this episode by saying, I am not any of the three callers. And yet, every single thing they say has happened in my house with my own kids. Yes, my kids have yelled shut up. They've said, get away from me when they need me the most. And we have had plenty of experiences that have felt totally out of control for all of us

while we are in really inconvenient locations. We've all been there. We're all in this together. So with that in mind, let's jump in. Our first caller is Danielle. Hi Dr. Becky. I am dealing with a situation with my three-year-old son, Drew. He seems to just have a lot of tantrums and when he does tantrum, you know, I've used a lot of your advice, but he tends to use bedwirts. So he's saying,

shut up, shut up, shut up. It's typically aimed at myself, my husband, or his siblings. None of this behavior is happening in school. He is in school Monday through Thursday, 9 to 12, and he's gotten nothing but great reports back from his teachers. He's interacting while he seems to socialize well and share well. However, you know, I'm finding this behavior. It's happening pretty frequently at home and it seems to happen most frequently when he's not getting his way. A people really want something and his brother may have it at the moment and he's got a way to turn to share, you know, he'll completely lose it and get really frustrated and start

using those words. Or if he's being really rough and I ask him to stop and tell him you can't be hitting him anymore, I'm not going to allow that to happen. I'm going to remove you. We're going to go sit over here. He can use those words. But it's happening every day. So just want to hear your advice on how I can calm that behavior or what I can do to help him regulate. I know he's not regulated when he's having these moments, but I'm just not seeing any improvements with what I'm doing. So I'm hoping you can help you.

Well, we seem to have the best wisdom in his advice. Hi Danielle, thank you so much for sharing this. And the first thing I want to say is you are not alone. When kids are dysregulated, they do all types of things. They kick. They scream. They say, I hate you and they can say bad words. So first step, I would say, is to see what true is doing from the lens of the pain and total

chaos inside his body. I think a big idea that I always think about with tantrums is we act how we feel. And so if his actions and his words seem totally out of control, that means he's feeling totally out of control. So a couple things I would think about. couple things I would think about. Number one is Drew really needs you to differentiate between his behavior and his feelings. And we need to help him do this in the moment, and we also need to build the language

to help him do this outside of the moment. So let's start with in the moment, you say to him, oh, sorry, sweetie, dessert time is over, right? I know in my house it's, I've already given five cookies, and that's just the line, right? I know in my house it's, you know, I've already given five cookies and that's just the line, right? And the sixth cookie seems to set my child off and that's where I'm holding my boundary,

right? At this point drew my, he might get really upset at this moment. He might say, shut up, shut up, shut up, right? First of all, for you, he's acting, how he's feeling. Let me set up boundary, but also see the struggle he's having. A boundary might sound like this. Wow, those are big words, right? Is that a boundary?

It actually is. I'm kind of labeling what's happening and maybe I'd even add, wow, those are big words. I won't let you use words like that in this family. Now, a lot of us get caught up. What do you mean I won't let them use words? They already are family. Now a lot of us get caught up, what do you mean? I won't let them use words. They already are. We're still setting a boundary to differentiate between the behavior,

which we're kind of saying isn't okay. And now I'm going to help you kind of find words to speak to what's going on inside of Drew, where I would say, I won't let you use those words. And it is so hard not to get the things we want. What am I doing there? Showing my child that I can differentiate between how he's struggling and how that struggle comes out in the behavior. In the moment, this is really all we do. And then we survive through it.

I'd focus on using a regulation skill for yourself, right? Because at the end of the day, through a tantrum, our child is absorbing how well we can or cannot be regulated ourselves. So I'd say, for you, Danielle, to say to yourself, I'm going to get through this or nothing's wrong with my child, nothing's wrong with me. I can cope with this. That's my personal favorite mantra. And then after you've survived this moment, to me, one of the things that's That's my personal favorite mantra. And then after you've survived this moment, to me, one of the things that's really powerful to think about in our children's repeated difficult behavior is, okay, what can I do in the moment? But really, what can I do outside of the

moment? So this is what I would start practicing with Drew. I'd find a moment when things were calm and connected and say to him something like this, you know what's so hard? When we don't get something we want, isn't that so hard and here's a little secret? Some of us feel like saying bad words. It's so hard. Sometimes we feel like that. I think you feel like that. I feel like that sometimes.

Oh, it's so hard and I get that because it feels so bad, but here's the thing. We're gonna practice finding a word. That feels a little bad, but still is along the lines of the values we have in this family, which is always speaking respectfully even when we're upset. So what word could that be? The next time I say no, what word could you say to me that seems a little out there, but also is something me and you agrees kind of okay. And then pause, Danielle, you don't have to come up with this. Kids are amazing problem solvers when we involve them

instead of control them. So I would see what he came up with. If not, what would I do in my family? Truthfully, I'd probably say something like this if my child was struggling. I'd probably say, how about we say the word, ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly. Oh my goodness, that would be so, so weird, wouldn't it?

Ugly, ugly, ugly, and then I would model it. So maybe the next time my child says to me, oh, mom, I don't wanna clean my room yet. I'd say ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly. Oh, that feels so good to get something out of my body. Okay, let's figure this out. So much is happening here. We're turning a moment that feels really bad

into a moment that feels silly and connected. We're planning in advance, and I'm giving my child the option to do something that fulfills some of his desire to get a big word and sound out, but shifting it to something a little more desirable or a little less kind of aggressive. Now, change takes time. So practice that, model it yourself

and when the moment inevitably comes where he still says those words, tell him going back to that survival strategy. I won't let you use those words and then you can use the ugly, bugly, doggly words and survive the moment and continue to practice when things are calm. All right, Danielle, I have one more thought, one more strategy that I think would be really helpful to keep in your back pocket.

So one of the things that goes on for kids using bad words in general is they feel it's a way to assert themselves and feel independent and feel in control and feel like their own person. All things we want them to embody. We just don't want that to only come out with bad words. So here's a way to totally change the narrative. Find a room in your house. I often use a small bathroom and that becomes the shut up room.

And preempt the moment by early in the day before any of these tantrums have happened. Say something like this to Drew. Drew, you know what? I feel some words coming up in my body, even not a good word. I hear the word, shut up. I do. I hear, I'm going to go into a room. That's going to become the shut up room. Why don't you come with me? Bring him in. He will be shocked and say to him, okay, I'm going to get them out of my body. Do you have any? Do you have any in there at all? Let's get them out together.

And I'd say this in the room, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, you're taking something and you're changing it. You're adding playfulness, you're adding connection. We want Drew to find other ways to feel independent and it will become less desirable to use that word after you start engaging in this playful way. Let's listen to our next caller, Kelly. Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Kelly. I have two children. My son is Tate.

He's almost seven. My daughter is Lila. She's four and a half. My issue my name is Kelly. I have two children. My son is Tate. He's almost seven. My daughter is Lila. She's four and a half. My issue is with Tate. He is my deeply feeling child. I've done your workshop. I learned a lot from you. But I still struggle because he still tends to have very, very, very big meltdowns. Usually my fault, I feel like, because I haven't been clear or because he's very rigid with expectations. And so, for example, trying to change kind of our household rules about snacks. And so he was expecting to be able to have more snacks.

And I said no, because it was almost dinner time, and he just lost it. And he loses it in a very big way. He was screaming, bloody murder, kick, you know, flail. He's not hurting anyone but his screaming is very intense. So I usually try to say, calm. I'll take a loser in when he's yelling, you know, get out. I hate you, leave me alone, get out of my room. But then when I leave he'll come back, that whole saga.

So I try to say calm and be present with him. But I feel like his screaming at me is not appropriate and I'm wondering if I can tell him you know you can be mad but you can't scream at me like that or if that's not helpful in the situation because it's been going on for a long time and I feel like I've been using the right approach for a while and it hasn't been getting better so that's kind of my my tricky spot with him. Kelly I I really, really feel for you here. I am a bomb of three and I have a child just like this. So I think that's important to start with because I have been there for the

screaming, for the nasty words, for the loud tone and even, of course, for that self-doubt spiral of, am I doing the right thing here? This keeps happening. So a couple things to go over and some strategies for you. So first, there are some kids who feel things more deeply, more intensely, and those feelings last longer than other kids. Kids are all different, and those kids take a lot longer to absorb emotion regulation skills. And it doesn't mean they don't get there, but it does mean that we can't use their current behavior as an indication of what they will be like down the road.

I think it's one of the number one kind of parenting errors we all make, is we see something in our kid today. We have a fear that they'll be like that forever and then we respond today based on that fear instead of responding to what our child needs from us in that moment. So what's going on in that moment for Tate? Tate feels totally, totally out of control. Tate actually is feeling some intense feeling in his body that terrifies him. It's as if he's being attacked by his own feeling and he needs to get it out of his body. And that's why it looks so violent and so flailing. Now I'm gonna go over what I think is your role here, but please Kelly know

that having lived through this myself, I can only do this some of the time. And the times that I can't, I repair and I find my child after. So take of this what works and know that nobody can do this all the time. First thing is when a kid like this has a massive meltdown, even if it's not violent, I truly, truly believe that they have to be taken to their room. Key, with you. This is not a time out. This is not a punishment. Why?

If you think about what's going on in a child's body, a set of feelings feels so explosive, and then it ends up feeling so expansive. It's as if this feeling that feels awful is then taking up so much space and moving a child with you into a smaller room is a deep message to their body that their feelings can be contained.

That's what we need to do for these kids. We don't extinguish the fire. We want to contain it. And bringing our child into a smaller room with us acts as a message of containment before we do anything else. Now to be clear, your child will not like this. They will not say thank you, mother for your sturdy leadership.

No, they will protest and say, no, no, don't do that, I'm fine, I'm fine. Don't take the bait. And here are some words. My number one job is to keep you safe. And right now, that means me and you going into your room where it's smaller and there's less around us. That tone and that pace is really important. You can hear in me. There's no wiggle room. It's also not mean. It's not scary. It's just clear that I am taking on the role of sturdy leader because my child is out of control. This is not a negotiation. And it's not scary. It's just clear that I am taking on the role of sturdy leader because my child is out of control.

This is not a negotiation and it's not a punishment. Then I get into the room and I close the door and I sit with my child. And this is when Tate says like my kids do too, get out of my room, get out. Don't take the bait. These kids are out of control. And what kids are out of control need more than anything else.

When kids are in that, I am actually scared of my own feelings state. They need a parent who can disconfirm that those feelings actually are so awful. And how do we disconfirm that? How do we give our child the message that these feelings are survivable? Basically one thing and one thing only are presence. And nothing fancier than that. There's a few more things I'll share. But your presence and staying in the room says to your kid,

these feelings that feel like they're attacking you and that fly out of your body and feel so terrifying are manageable. They feel awful to you and the only way you'll learn to regulate them is if you slowly absorb what I'm showing you that we can get through this. And here's more language and you'll hear the same line. My number one job is to keep you safe and right now safety means me sitting in

your room with you. Why? Because I love you and you're a good kid and you're having a hard time. You don't have to like having me here. I am staying here. It's what these kids need. They need to know that they're not terrifying you. If they are, then they only escalate more in the moment and they escalate more the next time because they feel their feelings have actually scared away their sturdy leaders. Now, let me come back to the realistic part. You won't be able to do this sometimes, and you won't be able to stay in the room. And you can always say, I won't let you scream at me like that because my ears are ringing, and that means I'm going to step into the bathroom for a minute and take a deep breath,

but then I'm coming back. There, you've kind of taken care of what your own body needs, right? If you can stay there, you're not colluding, you're not reinforcing, you're giving your child a very, very deep, very important message that they are a good kid having a hard time, not a bad kid doing bad things. Here's one more thought about how we can manage those moments when our kids say, get out. I know I generally am a big proponent of staying in the room, right? And asserting that we need to be there and we love our child. There are some moments when we as parents say, oh my goodness, maybe my child doesn't need us right there. Here's the general idea. We want to infuse our presence. To show our child they are a good,

lovable kid in the moments they are totally dysregulated. If being in the room doesn't feel right to you, sure, step out but stay by the door whisper to your child, say, I'm right here. Maybe open the door and pop in your head and say, I love you, I'm right outside. The idea is that our kids need our presence, but of course you're the expert in your family and do a version of that that feels right to you. Our final caller is Olivia. Hi, my question is about how to interact

with other adult family members who are grandparents, for example, who do not approach things in the same way as you, right? So like, let's say my toddler is throwing a tantrum, whereas I'm practicing, I see that you're upset, you really want to have the piece of chocolate. We're not having that right now. Whereas a grandparent might, you know, we'll see them throwing in the kitchen and, oh my God, what is this? What's going on?

You know, there's no reason to be upset or just kind of like all of the things that many grew up with this kid when they were our parents that we are trying to not repeat with our own children now. How do you work with that? Because, you know Because I don't want to make them feel wrong. They're only doing what they know. But I also don't want to tell them what to do, because I'm sure that maybe you can discuss how to self-reflest on that.

But how do you talk to them about doing things differently, especially when they just really do not understand what it is that we're trying to do. Olivia, this is such an amazing question and something that comes up over and over and over because so many of us wear cycle breakers in that we are kind of the pivot point intergenerational things were handled in a certain way and we're the one saying, I don't know about that. Or I'm going to do something differently. And as a result, there's friction with the people that came before us.

So the word that comes up for me in your question is boundaries. How do we handle boundaries with our family of origin? And how do we talk about things that feel tricky in a way that hopefully can still be respectful and also still gets our needs met. It is okay to talk to family members about how you would like them to approach your kids if they're approaching them in a way that feels wrong or damaging to you. Right? So, I think that the tricky thing is figuring out, is this someone who wants to learn in their open to being curious and wanting to know more about why we do the things the way

we do, or is this someone who is really not so curious and has pretty strong ideas and is not open-minded? And I think we handle those two scenarios differently, and I'll walk through how. So here's how I would start. We always want to start assuming we're on the same team, right? That's actually the only way we ever get anything to change with someone. So here's what I would say, let's say it's to your mother, your mother-in-law. I'd say, hey, you know what I'm thinking about? I know you're watching, let's say your son is Rafa. I know you're watching Rafa have a hard time some time

and he has a call it a tantrum. And I have a feeling for you the way I'm handling it feels really different from how you would handle it. And actually, I think I just wanna substantiate it. It is, I'm not shutting it down, I'm not sending him to his room, I'm not saying pull it together, and then you can join the family.

And there's kind of two things around that. Number one, I have reasons why I'm doing that. And number two, I guess the thing I'd like to hear from you is whether you're curious to hear more about that. Are you actually curious? I could show you a video. I could show you this article, I'm following this person on Instagram,

you could follow her too and see what you think. And then we could talk about it. Are you curious to learn more about why we're doing things the way we are? Or are you just kind of watching me thinking, oh, she's really got it wrong? And if that's the case, I'm still going to do what I'm doing, but I'm probably just going to ask you not to comment

so things can be consistent for Rafa, right? So what am I doing there? Like in a very respectful way, I'm just trying to figure out, is this someone who wants to learn, or is this someone who's pretty judgmental? In which case, I'm not going to ask them to engage, but I am going to ask them to respect the way I do things for all the parents listening. I find it very empowering to say to myself, I am the pilot of my family's plane. I am the pilot. I used to be a passenger. I used to be a passenger on my family's plane. Not anymore. I am the pilot. And in that model, my family of origin is kind of on my plane.

They're part of my passengers right now. And it's really important to embody that authority. And I think in the way I modeled it that doesn't have to come off as rude or aggressive. But I would say the first step is kind of aligning on this difference. The second step is really assessing, do you want to learn more? You actually curious.

Not from a place of proving me wrong, but a place of being open. And if you're not, then I'm gonna ask you to keep your ideas to yourself. The final thing I'll say about this is that remember, you don't have to get your parents approval to parent the way you want. And when we realize we don't need their approval, but we actually just need their cooperation with the way we're doing things. We have so much more freedom in our interactions because we can tolerate the

disagreement or the difference of opinion. Olivia, I also think it would be really helpful for you to kind of take a deep breath and just give yourself some credit. Being a cycle breaker is so hard and it is so exhausting. You're kind of pivoting the direction for future generations. So give yourself some credit, remind yourself of how strong and brave you are to be doing things differently. And actually, that reminds me of just getting through tantrums in general. It is exhausting to get through a tantrum. Me with my own kids, I don't find those moments enjoyable. I don't feel energetic after.

I feel exhausted. This all feels hard because it is hard. And that's really important to remember when it comes to tantrums. Let's tie it all together with three takeaways. One, there are so many strategies out there for dealing with tantrums. And yet what's more important than any script or trick is how to talk to yourself so you can hopefully stay as calm as possible during your child's tantrum. Remind yourself over and over, nothing is wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with my child.

I can cope with this. Two, whenever we're in the mode of thinking, how do I get my kid to stop doing blank? We can shift to, my kid is doing blank. What's going on for my child that they would keep doing this? And how can I take a different approach? So it's me and my child against a problem instead of seeing my child as the problem. Three, there's actually something similar between dealing with our kids difficult moments and dealing with family members' judgment of our parenting approach. In both situations, we need to really hone in on what we believe, and remind ourselves

that the only person's approval we need is our own. It's okay if your kids disagree with the decision you're making, and it's okay if your parents disagree with your parenting approach. Remind yourself in both situations that you're the pilot of your family's plane, and you know what you're doing. You may have noticed that our second caller, Kelly, took my deeply-feeling kids' workshop. This is by far my most popular workshop to date. I outline strategies for helping kids who don't seem to respond so well to so many

of the strategies that are often put out there. They hate talking about their feelings. They say go away when you know they need you the most. They escalate quickly and have a really hard time calming down. There's nothing wrong with these kids. They just need a different approach. That workshop and many others can be found at learning.goodinside.com. Thanks for listening to Good Inside. Let's stay connected. At GoodInside.com, you can sign up for workshops and subscribe to Good Insider.

My weekly email with scripts and strategies delivered right to your inbox. And for more ideas and tips, check out my Instagram. Dr. Becky at Good Inside. Good Inside is produced by Beth Roe and Brad Gage, an executive produced by Erica Belski and me. Dr. Becky, please rate and review our show. Let us know what you think and what resonated. I actually do read each and every review, so please know that your feedback is meaningful to me.

Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves. Even as I struggle, and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside. inside.