Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Reparenting With the In-Laws

Episode Date: May 9, 2023

What happens when you want to do things differently than how you were raised and yet the people who raised you are intimately involved in raising your children? Is it more important to hold boundaries with your extended family or should you focus on other strategies? In this conversation, Dr. Becky talks with a mom about this exact situation.Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3nwEsA4Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastToday’s episode is brought to you by Hanna Andersson: Two things are true: Summer is amazing and summer is stressful. One way to manage summer stress is to pair fun and adventure with predictability. This might be as simple as laying out your kids’ favorite swimsuits the night before a big beach day…but it’s also knowing those suits will hold up for your kids all summer long. That’s why Hanna Andersson’s swimwear is a go-to in Dr. Becky's family. Their fabric is fast-drying (less complaints of “Ugh I’m still wet!”), holds its shape without stretching (no more sagging suits), and blocks 97% of harmful UVA/UVB rays (less guilt about being in the sun!). And this year, they have the cutest selection of prints—meaning they’ll become quick favorites for your kids, too. Get 25% off your first order with code GOODINSIDE at hannaandersson.com.

What happens when you want to do things differently than how you were raised? And yet the people who raised you are intimately involved in your life. And in the raising of your children. We have done good work from the beginning, setting boundaries with the grandparents, saying what's important to us, picking our battles, planting our flag where we felt we needed to, and letting other things slide when we could. But now, it's much more about a narrative,

it's much more ideological, it's much more about like an overall approach to how we raise kids and the stories we tell about them. And that feels a lot trickier to me to figure out how to set the boundaries or how to have those conversations. Hi, so nice to meet you, so nice to be talking today. Why don't we begin, just tell me a little bit about you and what's on your mind.

Hi, so thank you for doing this. I have two young kids. One is almost four, one is ten months. They're both girls for now, as far as we know. And the thing that is on my mind is that I am very fortunate. My partner and I are very fortunate that we have the proverbial village that everyone says they want, which is family, which is mostly my partner's family extended family. We live in a neighborhood

very close to them. And we're also really committed to this idea of reparenting. And what I'm finding at least, I won't speak for him, but what I'm finding is that if you are lucky enough to have the village and you're also committed to reparenting, inevitably some of the behaviors or patterns or ways of operating around children that you're trying to repair it from will appear in that village. And so I am wondering how can we continue to foster these really important relationships, benefit from the support that is real and important. And also not let some behaviors that I think are harmful impact our kids. And the added dimension of this that is challenging is that of course, this isn't my family of origin. I'm talking about it's his. Yes, there's like a trifecta.

The village, reparenting, in-laws. Yes. The ultimate, you know, kind of adult trifecta. But really, you're actually raising something that I haven't considered until you illuminated it in that way. We want the village. We want that mother-in-law, or my dad involved, or the great Anne.

It's so amazing to have so many people so you really don't feel alone. And with all those people around more often, we a little bit kind of inherit. How do they think about gender roles and boundaries and feelings and behavior? And if I know I want to do certain things, many things, one or two things differently, then I am then clushing with those people in my village more often than if I didn't have such ongoing support. Is that kind of where you're at? That's exactly what it is. And I can say that this is something that we've confronted from the moment my first

born was born. But the reason it's feeling stickier for me right now is because as my older daughter approaches for, I'm noticing that she's just absorbing messages, narratives, conversation, to a degree that's new, right, indifferent. And that's been the case for the past, you know, number of months, but she's just with it in a way that she wasn't before. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is good inside. We'll be back in a minute.

Hey, Sabrina. Hey. So I've been thinking about toys recently. I don't want the toy to do that much of the work. I want the toy to inspire my kid to do the work. Because actually the toys that get really busy and do a lot of things, kids actually lose interest in so quickly. Oh totally.

There are certain toys that my kids have just played with throughout the years. I have a six year old and a three year old. Like what? So I have these wooden blocks from Melissa and Doug. They're super simple. Just plain wooden, no color. And my kids love them. They're always building castles or like a dinosaur layer.

And then my oldest will tell my youngest to like, decorate them after he's built this crazy cool structure. My go-to's our Melissa and Doug too. I feel like we have this ice cream scooper thing that my kids use when they were two, and then they used again when they were developing better fine motor skills, and then for my kind of four-year-old, my seven-year-old still using it in imaginative play. I really only like talking about items and brands that we actually use in our own home and Melissa and Doug. I just don't know if there's any other brand I feel so good about naming the way that their toys actually inspire

creativity and open-ended screen-free child-led play. It's just unmatched. And like what's honestly so exciting is to be able to offer everyone listening to this podcast, 20% off. Visit MelissaAndUg.com and use code Dr. Becky20DRBECKY20 for 20% off your order. Melissa and Doug, timeless toys, endless possibilities. So let's jump into a specific or two, because I find getting super specific allows us to zoom out after, right? So let's zoom into something specific, we'll get into kind of the details, and then I think that'll be a good jumping off point to understand what's going on,

and I promise you, by the end of this conversation, to give you many concrete strategies to actually use. Sure. Yeah, so I have three kind of areas that this is appearing in, and I can just pick one. But you mentioned gender roles, so that's a big one. And that's the one that I notice the older daughter is starting to absorb more. So there's a lot of focus on appearance, on how pretty she is, on how pretty, pretty both our daughters are, what they're wearing. And we are very deliberate at home about not emphasizing that as much. And we'll try to say, you know, like if my father-in-law says, oh, like this is my most beautiful granddaughter, you know,

we'll say inside and out, right? You can sign it out. And they'll be like, yes, yes, inside and out. But, you know, it doesn't quite stick. That's one, I'll tell you the three. And then you can pick which one you want to do. Two is a real discomfort with feelings and my older daughter is a sensitive kid. She might be what you call a deeply feeling kid, I'm not sure, but she's certainly very sensitive.

And we've got them to not say things like don't cry, but now they instead will just kind of do whatever she wants to get her to not cry. So the discomfort with the feeling is there, they're just doing the like hyper-gramp or a thing of just like, let me give you whatever you want. And then the third is just a general story they tell about being good and behaving a certain way in order to be good. And so they don't speak English, they speak a different language. So it doesn't quite translate in English, but essentially what they'll say to my daughter and to cousin is, you know, don't do this or you have to do this because you should be good.

So your idea of that we actually are good and we don't have to behave a certain way, is not the story that they're telling. Mm. So here's the best part of our conversation. I promise you, we could dive into any of them, and we're going to touch on themes and strategies for all of them. So I'm not the expert of you in your family.

You are. You pick one to jump into. To be any vivid, anyone that has kind of a vivid moment. Okay, let's do the last one, because that one to me feels like actually the one that touches everything else. Great. So like where are you?

What exactly happens? Like walk me through that kind of moment and then we're gonna go for it together. Okay, so I go pick up my daughter at her grandparents house. I have my baby with me and I give her a heads up, my older daughter, like, hey, we're gonna get going. I'm gonna help you put on your coat. It's cold outside and she yells, no,

and like runs and jumps on the couch which like not the ideal reaction but also nothing to write home about. You know nothing to write home about my book. Right, I'm like transitions are hard when you're three years old. She needs to exert some autonomy. It's cool. Usually she does that and you know then we can keep it moving. And when she does that my baby who was nine months at the time and is learning

to mimic sounds, also kind of gives out a shriek. So she's learning to imitate. And so I go over to my older daughter and I start talking to her really quietly, just telling her what's gonna happen and that usually works really well for her. But as I do that, my mother-in-law comes over, starts talking over to me and saying to her, no, no, no, no, no, no, don I do that, my mother-in-law comes over, starts talking over me and saying to her,

no, no, no, no, no, don't do that. We're not going to do that because you need to be good, and your sister is going to learn from whatever you're doing and you're responsible for making sure she learns. So you need to be good and she needs to be good and you need to make sure she's good. So don't do that and kind of just like goes on and on. So it's not only about a narrative about being good, it's also a narrative about your responsible for your sister, which is also something that I'm trying to keep separate. Well, there's responsibility and you need to be the kind of good-good role model

because then if not, you're also affecting this child. So there's a lot there. Right. So if so many different ideas, I don't know if they're going to come out in the exact right order, but I still be here. First of all, one of the things that strikes me in talking to you is just how intentional of a parent you are. And I feel like you're someone, and you could tell me if not, if known you for 10 minutes,

who really notices details. Like you pick up on a lot. You notice a lot. Is that true? Yeah, that feels true. I, you know, we talk about how my daughter, the older daughter is like by many me in personality and so she's a very sensitive soul and I think I'm sensitive in some of the same ways. Yeah, and so those are all amazing things, right?

Like you're very intentional. You know some of the things you want to do differently. You're into reparenting. So one of the things just at baseline, right? I think that's important to know about ourselves is am I kind of going to notice all of the different things that happen, maybe that are different from the way I want to do them?

Or am I someone who's like, might not even register? Like I can tell you me, like my in-laws say something, my parents, like my husband might be like, Becky, did you hear that? I'm gonna be like, I don't even, I don't even, I don't even, I'm gonna be like, and so being so intentional and cycle-breaking

and being so detailed oriented, it's hard as an adult in a way, because we feel compelled to kind of react to everything or always add a big deal that they said that. So I think that's just a good baseline to appreciate about yourself. I'm very intentional. And I notice a lot of these things.

Like that comment from my mother-a-law is going to ring in my brain. Like for longer than maybe it would for someone else. It's like, yeah, maybe she said to me, and going, I don't know, I was busy like getting my kid out the door. Now, the other thing I want to say related to that is I think sometimes when I talk to parents who are really invested in reparenting and psychobraking, those are like my type of, you know, my type of parents.

Is we unconsciously have this belief that when we do things differently, when we do things differently, like the people around us also need to do things differently for our kids to benefit from our intentional different choices. And so there's this belief, like, okay, like there are my mother-in-law goes saying all the things that may be me or my partner inherited that we really don't want our girls to inherit and here it is.

And it feels like it's like working against all this effort and again, an intentionality and detail we're putting into our parenting. And I guess what I want to say, and this is not the only piece of guidance I have. There's a lot of other details is I just want to like assure you that other people around you doing things differently than you do them, not only what I say, doesn't get in your way of cycle breaking. I actually think there's a lot of ways where it enhances the impact.

Okay, and here's why. We don't notice the things. We don't register the things that happen everywhere, which is part of, when you're in a adult, you're like, wait, my family did this thing so weird. I didn't even notice until I was 30. And I, right, because if everyone did it that way. So having grandparents who say things about gender, about responsibility, about feelings,

I really mean this. It gives you this amazing opportunity to highlight to your child how differently you see things, how important your perspective is. Now, that's not to say I'm excusing harm or something like super aggressive, but because she has grandparents who actually see things differently,

I just want you to consider the perspective of, you can highlight further for your kids, these values that you really, really want to impart, because they're no longer so passively absorbed. They're much more actively and intentionally noticed. Does that make sense? Yes. In theory, yes. So then we go step further, because like, okay, but like how, like, obviously the things they say impact them too. So here's what I want you to consider. We're going to take it out of your kids for a second, and we're going to, you know, bring it to you and your partner. Let's say you're at, I don't know, some cocktail

party with your partner, only adults, okay? And you're kind of quiet just like, and is your partner a woman, a man? He's a man, yeah. Okay. So you're kind of quiet and someone comes up to your male partner and it's like, oh, you're your partner, your wife, whatever they assume you are, she's so subservient. Look at her just quietly letting you have that conversation. That's amazing. Like, and they look at you and they're like, it's so good that you really adopted this subservient role. Okay, then they walk away. Okay. And then you're home that night and your husband's thinking, like, that was like kind of messed up. I don't believe that like the first of all, maybe she's not second of all like that is definitely not the thing

I want to reinforce in her that seems pretty messed up. Would you rather your partner be thinking about what he can say to that fellow party goer? Or would you rather your partner be thinking about what to say to you to mark that experience and the fact that he sees it differently? Sure, certainly the latter, right? Sure. I mean, I think I would, right? Yeah. We do this to bring it back, and then I want to go back to the example. We do this all the time. We hear like a grandparent say something like, don't have a tantrum, like, don't be so bad,

like you're setting a bad example. And we're like, I have to talk to that grandparent. Like I have to explain to them, tantrums are healthy and tantrums is a sign of your mental health. And tantrums are a sign that you have a sense of your need and desire, like all these things that I really believe too. But the truth is, whether a fellow party go or think that like a woman should be subservient,

it actually doesn't matter to me that much with that person thinks. Well, matters to me, if I were you, as my husband sang to me after, like, well, I don't see it that way at all. Like that probably felt different. You know that's not the way we think about gender in our partnership. I'm sorry that they said that that probably felt different. It is true, Becky.

Some people do think that about women. And that's actually probably good for us to acknowledge and be prepared for. It's really not what we believe. And so let's bring that back to the situation of your daughter is, you know, I don't know, protesting, leaving, whatever it is. And she has a grandparent who's basically saying, be good, be good. And you're thinking, oh my goodness,

this is like everything I don't wanna pass on to my children, this whole like good as really subservient, submissive, not having your own space. What might be something you say to your four-year-old in the car, on the walk home, whatever it is, to kind of be an equivalent of your partner to you or my husband to me, kind of off-setting, creating dissonance with the comment that was just said.

So it would probably be like, you know, I noticed that your grandmother said this and I want you to know, like, I think you're good no matter what you're doing. So just pause there, okay. I really mean this. I felt that very like deep in my body, like because I think that, that is so powerful for for me and you right now to reflect on moments in our own childhood, we're probably like, what? Like, how powerful it would have been for an adult. Definitely a mom or your dad or whoever, right? Coming to you and saying, yeah, we didn't agree with that.

We do not see it that way. Because you said all these things are related. So maybe being good often is more equated in this world with being female. There's more pressure to be good, meaning good is just a euphemism for don't take up space, don't have needs, don't be quote inconvenient. So it kind of all comes together.

You know what's interesting? Grandma kind of thinks about gender. Grandma kind of thinks about your reactions to my requests differently than I do. I don't know if you've noticed that. Like when you say no jacket, no jacket, she says, oh, come on, be good for your sister and your mom. And I see it differently. She says, oh, come on, be good for your sister and your mom.

And I see it differently. I see it as, oh, it's really hard to leave right now. You're kind of letting me know that. And then maybe we kind of find a fun game to make it easier. That's really different. Now, for you, for everyone listening, okay. It's easy to be like, oh, is that, is that something my four-year-old's gonna grasp?

Because my four-year-old's not gonna look at me and say, mom, thank you for this profound intergenerational moment. You just stopped a message and gave me a new pathway. Of course not. Okay. And your foreal might say to you, like, can I have my pretzels now, you know? But I really believe our kids at every age

understand those communications. Because what you're talking about are messages that are different from the messages you believe kind of being in the ether around our kids. And you want to make sure that those are in the loudest ones entering her body and forming her self-concept and her idea about how she needs to operate in the world. And to me, when you say to someone, I don't know about that. Or I say, huh, grandma sees it kind of differently than I do. Or grandpa reacts this way.

And in, you know, our house, just in our immediate family, we do this instead. To me, the visual I always think is like, you have the behavior and then you have the reaction. And instead of those getting paired together, you've created space. They're like two separate things. I always think like you're creating dissonance. It's enough for someone to say, huh, huh. Just this morning, I was at my kids'

goal and my son, my youngest one, was clinging to me the whole time. And he's like my most independent child. He's all like not able to participate in the activity, cannot do recess. And there were very well-meaning parents who were like, hey, go play with the kids. Your mom is doing this activity or go play. And all I said to him was, mom's not at school a lot, right? Like you just want to soak up every ounce. You can play or not play whatever you want to do.

I don't really need to convince the other parents that it's okay. I don't even really to convince the other parents that it's okay. I don't even really need to convince my child, it's okay. But I just want to put like some dissonance and like a container around those comments so they don't just kind of unconsciously mindlessly like pass into my kid's body. Hey, so I want to let you in on something

that's kind of counterintuitive about parenting. The most impactful way we can change our parenting actually doesn't involve learning any new parenting strategies. The most impactful way we can change our parenting is by giving ourselves more resources so we can show up as sturdier so we can show up as calm amidst the inevitable chaos. It's what our kids need from us more than anything else. This is why I'm doing my mom rage workshop again. I'm doing it again because it is one of my most popular ones to date.

It's coming up July 19, but no worries if you can't make it live. It'll be available as a recording for whenever you have the time. I promise it's really the best investment we can make, not only in ourselves, but also in our kids. Can't wait to see you there at goodinside.com. but also when our kids can't wait to see you there at goodinside.com.

I have a follow-up question, which is about the consistency with which my kids are going to be exposed to these messages because I completely get what you're saying, and it feels not different. But it's just a question I have because it's not a one-off comment. It's like maybe every week or something. Yeah. So for sure, more complicated. And look, there definitely can be a role to talking to the other adults who have influence over your children. But I think one of my main points here is that that's often the place to talking to the other adults who have influence over your children.

But I think one of my main points here is that that's often the place we stress and focus. And to me, that's like icing on the cake. But number one is in a place we really have any controller power. Right. And we often miss our ability to have real impact where we can with our kids helping to digest things. Because here's the other point,

and I'll get to kind of the repetition in the grandparents. Your kids are gonna go out into the world. They already are in the world, and they're gonna hear a lot of stuff. Like when we're psychopricking, when I'm saying to my kids too, you know, all these messages, there's a difference in your feelings and behavior.

I'm not gonna let you act this way, and I love you, and you're a good kid. And I kind of like sometimes that they don't just always listen to me right away, because I can't imagine I want them to be 20-year-olds, who just like listen to authority all the time, right? And yet, they receive different messages all the time. And one of the things I think about

is when they're young and in my house, like I hope, I hope they hear all of those perspectives. And they go through all of those perspectives and they go through some of those experiences early because for the first time, my daughter is 22 and she's like, mom, you know what? Like some people think women shouldn't take up space. I'm gonna be like, yeah, like I've known that for years because you're so like, I probably could have prepared

you better for that. I often think about protection versus preparation. I don't want to protect my kids or anything. I really don't. I mean, I want to prepare them for things. That's not to say I don't also want to help them become agents of change. But I don't think any of us think that those two have to be opposed. I wanted them to prepare.

And I think one of the ways we prepare them for the world and help them be agents of change in the world is actually when they have disparate experience helping them metabolize that and understand that, right? So again, when I think about you being a cycle breaker, like your daughter, I really do believe this. Like I think will really absorb so many of the messages you have because not only you live by them, you also have repeated opportunities to say, yeah, that's not the way we did things. And if they're your in-laws, maybe it's your partner who says,

you know, I remember when I was your age and I used to say, I don't wanna go to bed yet. Oh, I do not have a parent come in and say, yeah, it's hard to go to bed and help me kind of make that transition. I really did hear a lot of, come on, you're not being good if that's relevant. And so you're actually like telling this cycle

breaking intergenerational story, which is really powerful for your kids to hear. So in terms of going back to what you said earlier, like this is not just the grandparent visit. This is our village. Like they are fellow caregivers, caretakers, right? Of our children, like they're very, very involved. Yeah.

So is that the thing that makes you wonder, like is there an effective way to talk to them, given they're around that often? Is that where your mind goes or you think about it? Or like, are my attempts at kind of cycle breaking and reparenting, are they failing, given that they're so present? Yeah, it's more like if we're being like you say,

so intentional to do this on the whole front, is it then kind of gonna be for not if I'm then like sending her over to their house and having her be exposed to those narratives or those stories, those messages. Yeah, you know, there's so few questions that I can answer simply, that one I actually can. Like definitely not.

Like I have zero percent worry. What I think is very confusing for kids is when they have different experiences. Sometimes it's with parents who don't live in the same home, they're divorced, different reasons. Sometimes it's, my grandparents are really involved. Sometimes it's the school I go to every day is like, I hear this a lot. They're like, I don't believe in sticker charts and good kids and bad kids and people writing boards. And, you know, their names on the board. The school does that. So talk about repetition.

You're like, that's every day. And, you know, certainly there are moments where we think, I want these to be an alignment. I would love if the school is the line. But another perspective, and I really, really, to believe this, is assuming there's no like major harm done or worry. Those are important experiences for kids to have, and actually can highlight how differently

their kind of family's values are. So the school example, I think that's a school your kid is at, you're not moving for different reasons, and maybe you're like, it's not horrible, it's just very differently. Hey, that's so different when kids struggle in the classroom. The teacher writes their name on the board

and they have to stay for 15 minutes and miss 15 minutes of recess, right? Well, I wonder how we'd handle that in our home. And then a kid really has an opportunity to say, yeah, you know what, I feel like it would go this way instead. Like, if I'm a parent, what a better way to show. My child has internalized the way we do things because they notice how different those things are.

For all I know, you work with that kid, they're all older. I want to go to the administration. I want to talk to them about that. I don't think shame is the best way of motivating behavior. I want to explain that to them. Talk about being like a change maker because of how solid your family home feels,

how intentional your parents are, and then you are actually prepared to notice how different things are in different environments. And I really do think about that because how cool will it be when your daughter says to your mother-in-law, whether I put on my jacket or not, I'm the same good kid? Like, I feel like you're gonna hear that when I'm gonna be like,

boom, like, there is no article I would have sent. There is no anything I could have said to my mother-in-law than watching, you know, my daughter say that. And I bet that will happen. I would bet on it. Cool. I believe you. No, I understand what you're saying.

Yeah, that does make sense to me. The idea of really internalizing it. Yeah. And your ride's home. Your ride's there. Posing questions. I think that our kids aren't quite ready to answer yet. It's one of my favorite parenting strategies.

And there's a reason for it. I think we think we ask our kids aren't quite ready to answer yet, is one of my favorite parenting strategies. And there's a reason for it. I think we think we ask our kids questions, so we find out answers. I ask my kids questions, so they learn to ask themselves those same questions. What's gonna be different at grandma's house today? If you say you don't like dinner, I wonder how she'll react?

I wonder how we would react to our house. Oh, that's so different. Meanwhile, my kid in the back seat, my foiled, is not like saying, oh, I'm so glad you asked me that. Here's my essay. No, but I promise you, you say things like that over time, your child's going to be going over. And one day they're going to just hear in their own voice,

I wonder how grandma's going to react when I say I really don't want to do this activity with her. Yeah, that's going to be pretty different than how my parents react. That question, the act of asking yourself a question, is actually what's protective in life. Like we know this as adults. I wonder what it's going to be like when I go to this dinner where I don't know anyone.

Who knows what it's going to be like, but I promise you I'm going to be better at that dinner having wondered that on the way, then if I show up, and I'm like, I don't know anyone, and this is horrible, right? If I say, yeah, it might be hard. It might be lonely. It's gonna feel really different than when I have dinner with my best friends from college. Let me just get ready for that.

That's protective. And when you are asking those questions, are you then just letting the question hang? I do, or I'll like, act it out myself. Like, so let's get into, we'll dip into another bucket before we end. So we've covered, we've fixed gender, we have fixed goodness, so we've fixed those,

what was the third? We fixed those feelings. So feelings, grandparents, have a hard time with the crang. Yeah, great. You know, I'm wondering what's gonna happen if you're doing a puzzle like Grandma's. And you're like, this is hard, I need help, this is hard. And I wonder, I mean, and that loves to act out my wonder.

Maybe, like maybe if that was our house, I would say, yeah, it is hard. No, I'm not gonna finish it for you, sweetie, because I know you can do another piece or two if you want. And I believe in you and your, this is just frustration. Everyone feels frustration. I wonder if Grandma will, maybe Grandma will say that.

No, she won't, come on. I'd say, Becky, come on, no, I wonder how she'd, she might say, oh, oh, no, he's gonna cry. Here, here, that's so different. Oh, that's so different in our house. Teaching you how to manage that feeling really matters, which means not taking away from you. A grandma's, you know, she thinks about feelings differently.

And it's not bad, it's not better, it's different. So she'd probably finish the puzzle for you. Huh, that would be really different. Anyway, sorry, I've been talking to myself for a while. What song do you want to put for you. Huh, that would be really different. Anyway, sorry, I've been talking to myself for a while. What song do you want to put on? That's how it would be. Yeah.

Yeah. I feel like the act of noticing and wondering in front of our children. It's really what helps them build their own kind of like mentalization capacities, the ability to like kind of think about your own mind state and other mind states, that's really what you want your daughter to do. You want her to be at a different house and be able to say like, this is different from how we do things.

That's really it. That's so protective. This is different. This is not really what we do in my house. And so wondering, noticing is not even judging. Because again, like, not the way you and I necessarily would do things, but it doesn't seem like there's any active, like, harmer, aggression, or meanness involved. It's different, you know, different generations think about things differently. Exactly. Because again, what's a win is one day she's going to say, you know, what we said she might say to your mother-in-law, but like the day she comes back to your house and says, you know, when I'm upset, grandma,

like it's such different things than you say, you'll be like, you're so right, you really notice that. Tell me more, maybe she's like, no, that's it. But like that will come just from really building that awareness and that awareness to me makes us less porous to anyone else's influence. It just makes us more think, okay, someone said something. That's outside me. Do I want to bring that in?

Or do I not? Because at the end of the day, that's how we really determine what influences us. That makes a lot of sense to me. And I think speaks to the nervousness I've had, which is that all of these messages just infiltrate her too. And then we're doing battle inside of her somehow to win the message war. Exactly. And I think that then, the main thing to end with, and to me, is really optimal, because it actually doesn't have to be so grand. As just reminding yourself, like, these noticing statements. Grandma says different things about feelings, right? Yeah, she does, huh.

Right, or you're reading a book and again, maybe it's about, similarly, a kid who is really, I don't know, their parents always want them to be happy. Oh, that's kind of like how grandma can be right. Like that's a little different. Like we may say this instead of that. Anyway, all those little comments, I feel like each one of them,

when I think about those moments, they take 18 seconds. They're not wrong. They add that dissonance. They add that layer of protection, so it doesn't just flow in and it has such a bigger influence than it seems. And I'm 0% concerned that your intentionality will kind of be muddy by this. I actually, I've really been this like I see it being accentuated like I see it as an opportunity. That's great. That's very reassuring. Thank you. And this is really what I was hoping for because,

you know, we have our own relationship with them as adults, but I'm really thinking about her. And it's exactly what you say, you know, with any adult other person you're trying to negotiate with, you have such little control, but that's especially true with your in-laws. So it really is. That's the ultimate truth. The ultimate truth. Well, and done that. Well, thank you. Definitely, I always love to know kind of circling back

like how things go and how you feel in those situations because you're going to be able to turn your focus from like, what do I have to do with my in-laws? Which can be very anxiety-producing because you're right, it is just kind of powerless. Like, we kind of know that too. Oh, wait, like, I can do something small with my child that will actually have a really, really big impact.

I think that will feel really empowering. It's true, those individual moments are overwhelming and they catch me off guard and in the moment, afterwards I'm always like, oh, I wish I had somehow said something, come up with the exact right thing to say in that moment to interrupt it. And it's just impossible.

There's just, the kids are always screaming. You know, it's just not gonna happen, you know. A hundred percent and going back to what I said also, knowing you're so detail oriented and so intentional, right? And probably then so focused also on the moments, someone says something separate differently than how you would want to portray to your child. It also is possible your kids aren't registering when they're

screaming and running around without their jacket. It might not even be as massive to them as you hear it. So I think the combination of that, knowing yes, after a day later, you can always say that thing, hey, that was different than I would have said, that's where the impact is. Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com slash podcast. You could also write me at podcast at goodinside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world. And parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered, confident, and connected.

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I would also like to thank Eric Obelsky, Mary Panico, and the rest of the good inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle, and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.