Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Revisit - Back to School Anxiety

Episode Date: August 27, 2024

This is a repeat of an earlier episode. Back to school can bring with it a lot of big feelings for your kids and YOU. Whether your toddler is starting school for the first time, your kindergartner is making the big transition to elementary school, or you're dealing with plain old separation anxiety - this time of year is full of questions and worries. Today, Dr. Becky talks to a mom about her daughter's fear of riding the school bus.Get the Good Inside App by Dr. Becky: https://bit.ly/4doK9nFJoin Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/4eYFiLLGood Inside's Back to School Toolkit: https://bit.ly/46yGEswFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastTo listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategyToday’s episode is brought to you by Airbnb: Before Dr. Becky was a parent, she thought planning a family vacation would be a breeze… until she realized how much has to come together for a trip with two adults and three kids. Then she discovered Airbnb Guest Favorites. No more combing through options, reviews, and features. Guest Favorites are the most loved homes on Airbnb according to other guests. And that peace of mind when preparing for a trip is huge. Using Guest Favorites couldn’t be easier: Just go to Airbnb, add your destination, tap the filters and hit the toggle for Guest Favorites. It’s that simple.Today’s episode is brought to you by Skylight: Let's talk about family schedules. You know those days when you're like, "Wait, who has soccer? What's for dinner? Did I forget a dentist appointment?" Yeah, Dr. Becky too. All. The. Time. Skylight Calendar has been a lifesaver in her house. It's a smart, touch-screen calendar that auto-syncs all of her existing digital calendars. That way, they can see their schedules, chores, meals and to-dos, all in one place. No more confusion and honestly no more unnecessary arguments with her husband about not knowing what our plans are! The best part? It's kid-approved. Nothing gets a kid more excited about chores than an emoji celebration when they're completed. If you're drowning in sticky notes and forgotten appointments, check out skylightcal.com/goodinside and use code GOODINSIDE for $50 off a 15" calendar.

I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I feel sort of like a panicky feeling and doubt, I guess, is the biggest thing I feel. Doubt that is she maybe not ready or am I attached too much to her anxiety and can't separate myself from her feelings? But I think the biggest thing for me is just doubting whether or not I'm making the right decision. I don't know, it feels hard to see her react like that. Back to school. It is such an anxiety-filled time. Whether you have a toddler who's starting school for the first time, or a kindergartener

who's making that huge transition to elementary school, or maybe you just have an anxious kid where separation is often full of protests and tears. It makes sense that this time of year is full of questions and worries. Today I talk to a mom who's thinking about her daughter's upcoming transition and the way to manage it best. We'll be right back. So recently my family took a weekend trip out of the city and we booked a place on Airbnb. And I noticed something I wanted to share with you. The Airbnb we booked had bunk beds in one kid's bedroom, a canopy bed in another, cornhole

set up in the backyard, and air hockey in the basement. These are things my kids don't have at home. And so do you know what happened? The house itself felt like a vacation. And I'm telling you this for a really important reason. Because my kids were so happy in this house with all of this new stuff, that my husband and I actually got time to talk to each other

while sitting on a couch. And so we kind of had our own vacation. To save you time, I want to tell you exactly how I found this spot. Airbnb Guest Favorites. our own vacation. To save you time, I want to tell you exactly how I found this spot. Airbnb guest favorites. You can cut your to-do list in half by just hitting that filter button and then looking to see what other families loved about the place. It made it so easy to find the perfect spot.

So if you're looking for a family vacation spot, feel free to try this hack that just worked so successfully to me. I just don't want to keep this family vacation win a secret because it's so hard to have a vacation that actually feels good to everyone. I've been an Airbnb fan for a long time now, and it's really been the thing that helps my family vacations feel like a vacation. Well, at least some at the time, and that's really the best we're ever going to get. Hi, Megan.

Hi, Dr. Becky. So nice to meet you. You too. So yeah, tell me. Tell me what's going on. So I have a daughter who's almost six, and she's going into first grade. And she's a little bit nervous about starting first grade, but our

real struggle is we want her to ride the bus this year and every time we bring it up she kind of freaks out, starts crying, and it can't even really talk about it, you know, in the sense, oh I wonder what it would be like if you rode the bus, you know, just hypothetically, she just won't have any of it. And yeah, I'm so not sure how to approach it with her. And then also my own feelings is, it's not necessary on our part for her to ride the bus, like we could technically still pick her up. So I don't know, just not sure where to start with that. Okay, let me kind of mirror that back to you. You can tell me how accurate it is. Your daughter's starting in a school where the bus is available.

She seems really resistant to the bus, so much so that you can't even really have a conversation with her about it. And it sounds like, I'm kind of reading between the lines here, but you're thinking, I mean, technically I could drive her, but I definitely would rather not. Exactly.

Yes. That's exactly right. Like it would be a pretty big imposition to drive her slash it would give you back a lot of time to not have to drive her yourself. Exactly. We live about 30 minutes from the school, so we're planning to take her there, of course, every morning. But, you know, to and from HWA is two hours out of our day.

We did that for pre-K and kindergarten, but for first grade, we're kind of ready to scale that back a little bit. And so she's been to this school. The school itself is known to her. The bus, though though is completely new. Correct, yeah. Okay, and just give me a little bit of baseline of what her separation's like at school.

It's actually fine. When she started pre-K there, she, I mean, she was a little bit nervous, but I mean, I would say within the first week or two, she would, okay, bye, and just walk in. And we didn't have we haven't had any problems like in terms of separation, anxiety of her actually being dropped off at school. Okay, so separation is pretty okay there. And in terms of the bus, has she had, just

so I know, has she had bad experiences on buses? Oh, we were on this public bus before something bad happened or she saw a school bus crash, or anything bus specific that... No, she's never been on a bus in any capacity. Yeah. And I think her anxiety from it is just not knowing anyone on the bus. And I know for a fact, she won't know anybody on the bus. So I mean, she is right.

I can't offer false hope there about that. Okay, well, if we could wave a magic wand right now She is right. I can't offer false hope there about that. Okay. Well, if we could wave a magic wand right now and then say, okay, something's gonna happen in the next 20 or so minutes when we're talking and by the end, we're gonna figure out how to blank. Like, how would you fill in that blank? Like, what is your most desired outcome?

Well, I know that I'm not here to change her response, but I guess what I wanna take away from it is feeling more confident in setting that boundary with her. You need to ride the bus. You're going to ride the bus. Knowing that it's not a life or death situation, yes, I could drive her, but this is our decision. So I guess feeling stronger in my decision and being able to hold that even when she's

pushing back and crying and I feel bad. Great. I'm definitely a pragmatist and I feel like actually we'll get there. Like I definitely feel, because what I hear from you is something I think that's general that applies to all parents and all kids in different moments. My kid is resisting doing something. It's not something where I'm worried about their safety. It's not something that I think is going to be this like make or break thing for the rest of their life. I have my own hesitation around it because I know my kid is going to struggle a little bit. And actually what you said, Megan, that's so heartening

is I know I can't change my child's reaction, right? Unconsciously, we often think that's the goal. How can I just make them be happy about the bus and then I won't feel guilty? But in a way then we're just using our kid as a pawn in some ways like in our own emotion regulation game. Like they're helping us not feel stressed or guilty. Where what you're saying is,

how can I be the most confident, sturdiest leader for my child, knowing I'm asking her to do something that is not going to be hugely detrimental, but is going to be uncomfortable? That's my favorite thing to help parents with, so thank you. This is like, you know, this is exactly where I like to be. Okay, so let's start where I feel like at least for me at Good Inside, we always start, let's start with you.

Okay, I know, everyone's like, aren't we here to talk about my kid? Kind of, you know? So what comes up for you when I paint this scenario? Okay, and we'll talk about how to even get here. It's that first day and it's the bus. And I guess she's not taking the bus there, but maybe on the drive to school.

I don't want to take the bus. I don't want to take the bus. And then you're like waiting after school and you're thinking, oh my goodness, is she, how did she get on the bus? And did she even go? Or, you know, is she kicking and screaming? What comes up for you in terms of feelings,

sensations, thoughts, worries, self-talk about the type of parent you are, just whatever comes to mind? I feel sort of like a panicky feeling and doubt, I guess, is the biggest thing I feel. Doubt that is she maybe not ready or am I attached too much to her anxiety and can't separate myself from her feelings? But I think the biggest thing for me is just doubting whether or not I'm making the right decision only because it's my decision to make. It's not dictated by my work schedule or some other factor like lack of transportation. It's something that I am making for my own convenience and no other real reason and obviously our family too. And so I just, I don't know, it feels hard to see her react like that to something

that's just for us. And so I'm going to push you on that a little bit. And you tell me if this resonates, like, am I just being really selfish here? Like, is this just, you know, I'm letting my kid freak out because I just don't want to drive. Is that, does that resonate at all?

Yes, a hundred percent. Like what a, what a good parent, like to be like, oh, it's no big deal. I'll just drive my kid. I decided to have this child. So like might as well help her out. Yeah, exactly. And you know, it's especially since we haven't been talking about it, I feel, you know,

maybe I should have built it up a little bit earlier before instead of, you know, a few weeks before we start school. So it's just kind of just doubting my approach to it and whether or not it should happen at all and knowing that I'm directly, well, not directly, but causing her to feel this way, this discomfort around it. Yeah, we can play with that word causing, but it doesn't even matter, I know what you're saying.

So what is it like for you in general, if we zoom out a little for you, what is it like for you in general, if we zoom out a little for you, what is it like for you to prioritize yourself amidst kind of your family and your kids' needs? How good are you at that? It's difficult. I do, I have gotten better at actually doing it, following through on it, thanks to you.

But inside, I still really struggle with it. I, I think I should need less or I shouldn't need this many breaks. I shouldn't need this much space. I shouldn't need what I need for myself. So I guess for me, I have issues around the quantity. And at the time for myself that I take and whether or not it's an acceptable amount for someone to want. Yeah, which I think this is where we are.

Is this like the right thing to do? Okay, I know it's good to be a sturdy leader and to some degree I can't pour myself out all the time and expect myself to be filled up, but is this like, is this too much? Is this like, you know, my kid is freaking out, they can't even talk about it, it's just a car ride. Where does this fit in that equation?

The first thing I wanna say about that is we never get certainty. I think the wish is, I'm gonna get to this point, I'm gonna be like, no, actually not driving my child. That is within the right amount, right? Either we're someone who kind of questions how much we're allowed to take care of ourselves or we're someone who doesn't question it that much.

Most of us are people who question it, especially moms. But if you are in that bucket of, I do tend to question whether this is too much or the right amount or are the kind of impacts and consequences on someone greater than the benefit to me. If I'm someone who thinks about that, and Megan, it sounds like you are, it's really important to just say to yourself, I'm never going to solve that equation. I'm never going to get to certainty.

The best thing I can do is just to start to notice that thought process when it comes up. Oh, there's that way of kind of trying to weigh, you know, the pros and cons. There's that question of, is it too much? So I'd like you to mirror that back to me, just to practice hearing your own voice say something like that to yourself. Either, oh, there I go wondering if it's too much,

or there's that question again. Sure. I guess if I brought it up with her, you know, hey, we're thinking about riding the bus this year, went on the way home from school, and she starts, you know, throwing a fit about it. I know I'll immediately start panicking and then I could think, you know, here I go, I'm noticing the doubt come up for myself, the questioning, and I don't know, as to whether or not it's something that's okay to do. Great, because here's what's natural to do,

which never leaves us in a good place. The doubt takes over the driver's seat, and then what we do next is we usually say something like, yeah, I don't know, this probably isn't worth it. And then we don't do the thing we might need to do to ourselves, for ourselves. Versus kind of noticing that the doubt is coming up and almost just saying hi to it.

Like, it's kind of like that person at a party, where like if you do get sucked into a corner with them, like you're just going to be talking nonsense, you know? And the answer isn't to totally avoid them. But like we definitely don't want to be caught in a whole conversation with them. And what we kind of want to do is say, you know, I don't know, hi, Heather. There you are again, always wanting to kind of talk about this thing. And what it does is it acknowledges that kind of guilt or wanting to like get it right part of you

without giving it too much airtime. And I actually do think there's something to naming this as like a name. I do that for myself, like with my own anxiety. Right. I was like, hey, Susan, you again. Right. Because also, like, you can't even say that without laughing and adding something playful to that moment actually really lightens the mood. Do you have a good name? What should she be called? I don't know. Cynthia. Great. Love it. Love a good Cynthia. Love it. That's great. Okay. Do I, like, I should, and here,

watch me walk through this, Megan, right? So, um, okay. And we're going to get to this, but a big part of me wants that time to myself. I don't really want to be spending 2 30 to 3 30 traveling because that hour in my day, I don't know, I'm guessing I could think of a hundred things I'd rather be doing than that. And that is in a way of saying I don't love my daughter. It's literally just speaking about how I'm using my time in the day. So there's that. So I kind of come from that place. I imagine my child protesting or I imagine myself telling her, nope, not picking her up. She is taking the bus. And then Cynthia's going to come up and Cynthia's going to say to me, oh, Megan, like, I don't know. Is this too much?

I mean, it's just an hour and you have other times you could do something and you did take that walk at 10 a.m. So I don't know why you need 230 to three. And Cynthia always has a million different things to say and she's very crafty, she's very convincing, right? And her job, honestly, in my system, is probably to get me back into only taking care of other people mode, which probably has a role sometimes. But as long as I know she's gonna pop up,

she's probably gonna feel a little less convincing, and she's just gonna be a little less likely to kind of take over the driver's seat in my car. Yes. And so we're gonna get ready for Cynthia, okay? But this is important. Cynthia isn't the person making your decision, and she's not the person who's gonna share whatever decision you make with your daughter.

Can we talk about family schedules for a second? You know those days when you're like, wait, who has soccer? Wait, what's for dinner? Oh no, which parent is taking which kid to a dentist appointment? Okay, me too. All the time. So many moments of panic. So I stumbled upon Skylight Calendar, and honestly, it's been a lifesaver in our house. It's a smart touchscreen calendar that auto-syncs all of our existing digital calendars. And so we can see our schedules, chores, meals, to-dos all in one centralized location. Which means no more confusion and honestly no more unnecessary arguments with my partner about not knowing what our plans are. And the best part, it's kid approved. Trust me, evidently nothing gets a kid more excited

about completing chores than an emoji celebration. If you're drowning in sticky notes and forgotten appointments, and if you have lots of those panic, oh my goodness, who's on top of this moments? I just have a feeling you're gonna love Skylight Calendar. So just go to skylightcal.com slash good inside and use code good inside for $50 off a 15 inch calendar. That's S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T-C-A-L dot com slash good inside.

I know back to school season can be stressful and I want you to hear something very relieving for me. I know kids still have jitters on certain mornings, or I don't want to go to school protests, and there's still sometimes hard drop-offs or meltdowns, or now there's homework battles and friendship drama. The back-to-school season brings a whole set of obstacles for us as parents. I'm so excited to let you know about Good Inside's

brand new back-to-school toolkit and it's now available in the Good Inside app. Here's what you get with the toolkit because I want to make sure you know exactly what you're getting. You get five-minute transition tips. These are delivered daily, designed for busy parents, and they're personalized to your kids age so you know they're developmentally appropriate. You get the good inside chatbot, which means when you have a question that you need answered now, like right now, you get the answer and you can implement it. It's kind of like having me on speed dial. You

also get a comprehensive library. We've seen it all and we know how to help. And I have a back-to-school workshop. So if you're the type of parent you want to watch it all at once, you wanna sit down and do it, it is chaptered into bite-sized pieces. You can listen to it on the go in the app. It's all there for you. My promise is that these tools will effortlessly integrate into your everyday.

My belief is that helping your kid thrive should compliment your lifestyle, not complicate it. And yes, if you have a deeply feeling kid or a neurodiverse kid, this is also for you. Follow the link in my show notes to learn more and download today. All right, Megan, this conversation, me and you right now is happening at a perfect time

because I wanna do a little bit of a role reversal, okay? So the other night I went to dinner with friends and the dinner was at seven and so I was going to have to miss my son's bedtime. And frankly, I've been working a lot recently. So I basically didn't see him before he went to camp. I saw him for a little bit before he went to camp. Went to camp all day. I was actually working when he got home. And then I had dinner with my friends.

And the day before, I was actually traveling for work. And so didn't see him early in the morning. I had to leave super early. And I didn't get home until after he went to bed. Okay? And so yesterday, you know, right before I was going out to dinner, he was like, what are you doing?

Like, you're never here. Like, put me to bed. Like, why are you going out to dinner with your friends? He was, you know, it's like he's old enough now that he uses these words where he's like piercing. And I had dinner on the calendar with friends that I haven't seen in a while. And you know, we were organizing it and I'm sitting there honestly being like, oh, I'm all for self-care.

But like me too. I think my Cynthia was like back, it's like too much, you know? And I kind of fast forwarded the next couple of weeks and I was like, and I'm traveling then. And I also have a dinner here, right? I like all of these moments set up. So truly, like if we, we're going to switch seats. Like what, what does that elicit in you?

Like just back to me. What would you tell, help me. What would you tell me? It sounds like you have intentionally cut all time for yourself. And now it's time to honor that time, you're seeing some pushback from your kid and you're maybe doubting yourself as to whether or not you've crossed the line or is it worth it? Should you really prioritize the bedtime? And just doubting where you're allocating your time.

Yeah. And if I was gonna push you further, I'm like, Megan, just tell me what to do. Should I cancel my dinner? Like, do I put him to bed? Do I show up late to dinner? Like, just tell me. Yes, I would say, I dig for my scripts here, I would say

you know I love you and I have already made these plans with my friends and so I'm going to go out to dinner with them and your dad's going to do your bedtime or you know babysitter or whatever and I will see you whatever the next time would be, morning or at breakfast. Yeah. And when he's protesting bedtime, right, in terms of like wanting me to do it and not being there, is there any other way you feel like I can meet like his need? If we assume maybe the need is not just about bedtime, is there another way I can meet that need besides staying home that night?

What might he be really saying to me? I think maybe that he wants to have more time with you just in general. I'm just going to pause there. I think that's exactly right. Our kids don't say this. Frankly, we don't say this to people when we're upset. We usually get very specific too. But I think he's saying, like, I miss you.

I want special time with you. I want more time with you. And to me, that translation matters a lot because then instead of being locked into, do I cancel or not? Or instead of you being locked into, do I pick her up or not? You can broaden it to, maybe I'm not taking care

of my need or my kid's need, but maybe I can take care of my need and think of a different way to meet her need. What do you think your daughter's saying if we broaden around the bus, just in terms of her and you? What is the end of school like? Like, what do you think she might be saying to you around that? Well, I think she might be saying to you around that?

Well, I think since it is a longer drive and it would typically just be me that's picking her up, and we may or may not have a conversation, but I know maybe to her that's kind of a special time, that it's just her and I together, which doesn't happen often with her little brother around. which doesn't happen often with her little brother around. And then also I could maybe see it, you know, she's been at school all day, she's kind of been on edge or maybe, you know, just responding to what's around her and not relaxing, and then she gets on this bus, which is another heightened situation for her. She's not comfortable and so it's kind of just prolonging that. Yeah. I'm not, you know,

totally safe. Yeah. Yeah. After school, she's like, I want some connection with you. I want to, you know, go from school to safety, not school to, oh, you know, one more thing to have to manage. Now, here's where I think the beauty of of more flexible thinking can happen, where we can get out of, do I do something for her, do I do something for me? Because anytime we're deciding that, nobody wins, honestly. You're like, fine, I'll pick you up. And you're like, I guess in the moment I feel like a good parent, but I'm basically going to be resenting my child for the next nine months, and we all know how that goes.

And then my child also on some level doesn't really watch themselves become capable with something that they didn't think they were capable of. To me, there's no better gift I can give my kid than leading them on a path where they end up seeing, I was capable of doing something I didn't think I could do. That is the greatest gift I think I can give them, which requires just enough support, just enough distance, and requires a lot of, I see you as capable of doing something before you can see yourself as capable. I think even if, you know, you are dying to pick her up

at the end of school, there could be reason to say, you know what? This could be a really important growth moment for my daughter. Like maybe this is actually the best thing for her because it sets the stage in general for her to watch herself feel more capable, right? Now, the fact that you also don't particularly want to,

to me is like the most amazing win-win because you can give her that capability long-term and you can get an hour back in your day. And based on what we were saying before I think there's a way to like thread the needle just like say okay maybe I'm not meeting the exact need she wants by picking her up just like I did not meet my son's need and put him to bed I'm gonna say that I did go out to dinner at my friends and I was not late okay both those things are true but I also said to myself I'm gonna put

him to bed tomorrow night. And not only that, I'm gonna do a couple other things on the calendar that I think are extra special because I think he's saying through this protest that he has a need that I can meet more flexibly so that I could also meet the need I have in my adult life. Does that make sense? So I wanna go over all of those things, okay?

One, when we have a situation, especially, this comes up with kids who are anxious all the time, to me the most important thing when our kids are anxious is can I both validate their anxiety and see a more capable version of themselves than they can access in that moment. Both of those things matter. So I'm gonna model that.

I'm gonna model ways when I'm not doing that and then how I am doing that. Hey, I think you're gonna take the bus. Yep. Is that okay? Is that okay? I think that's good, right? Okay, first of all, what I'm doing there

is I'm kind of asking my kid for permission to make a decision. And I'm really saying asking my kid for permission to make a decision. And I'm really saying to my kid, I'm basically as nervous as you are. You know, we're just kind of in an anxiety spiral together. Another version, which I often don't really recommend, is I know you're really nervous. I know you're nervous. Of course you're nervous. Okay. There's nothing, like, harmful about this, but I would just want to model that next to something else. I know you're really nervous about the bus.

I also know in a couple of days, you're going to get used to it. Both are true. I know you don't want to take the bus. I know it's not the thing you wanted. And I know I hear you as soon as I bring it up, you cry and you scream. And I know that's very real.

And, and listen to me, and I know you're a kid who can do hard things, who can watch yourself do something you didn't think you can do. And I know the bus is gonna fall in that category. I want you to hear, I know this feels so hard and I know you're gonna be able to do it. To me, I always think one foot in validation and the other foot in hope or kind of in like seeing my kids capability.

So tell me your reaction to that and maybe, Megan, mirror back to me a version of what you would say to your daughter that is kind of almost more validation or joining her anxiety versus hearing yourself say something that's that one foot in validation and another foot in hope. Got it. So I actually, it's funny because I think I sort of lead more towards getting stuck in the validation side.

I would say something, I've said things like, I know you're really nervous about the bus. I know it's something new. You know, when I was a kid, I was really nervous about the fact riding the bus. All the validation tools, you're amazing, A+, love it. And, but then I, I know that's where I struggle. So I could see myself instead of getting stuck on that,

saying, I know you're really nervous about the bus. You know, that makes sense. It's a new thing for you. You've never done it. And I know that you can do it. I've seen you do other things before that were hard. Pause, love it. Crushed it, crushed it.

And like having a little formula makes sense. It's like, I need to do the validation part and I need to hold the hope part, right? And I know you've probably heard me say this, but our kids respond to the version of themselves I need to do the validation part and I need to hold the hope part. Right? And I know you've probably heard me say this, but our kids respond to the version of themselves we reflect back. We're like constantly where our kids mirror. We kind of show them who they are.

And so we want to validate their feelings. That is important for them to learn regulation and form confidence. But if we can't see a capable version of our kid, they don't see it reflected back. And I think we often do, most of us, we forget to explicitly name that. And after we name that, that's usually just the pause for now. And you probably will have to hold that version of her for longer than you want. Right?

It's not just going to be a day. I'm a realist. It's not just gonna be a day. Right, the realist, it's not. And she really might cry, right? But to me, that is the core strategy for how to deliver the decision. Now let's talk to Cynthia, okay? Because then Cynthia's gonna come up, and she's like, I don't know, I don't know, okay?

I did the whole thing, but like, it's not that big of a deal, right? And you're gonna say, okay, this is what you do. This is what you do, you make me doubt it. And then I think, but like it's not that big of a deal, right? And you're gonna say, okay, this is what you do. This is what you do. You make me doubt it. And then I think, Megan, it's super helpful just to remind yourself,

I'm not picking just me over my kid. This is actually a decision that's aligned with my kid's best interests. Because it actually sounds, Megan, that you do believe she will be able to cope with this. She really doesn't want to. She sounds like a resilient kid. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

I have no doubt that if she would just get on the bus for a little while, she would be totally fine. And so I would remind yourself of that. I think you know as a parent, definitely as a good inside parent, short-term gain with our kid is not necessarily the thing that sets them up for life resilience. Often, it's actually having the support you need

to embrace challenges, which means crying sometimes and protesting, that actually sets you up to be the kind of adult who has the self-talk of, I've done hard things so many times. I've watched myself think I can't do something, and then I've watched myself do that thing. Oh, I did all that because of, you know, all the ways my parent interacted with me,

and now I know I'm going to be able to get this project done at work. I know I'm going to be able to get through this hard stage in life. So I actually really believe this is a huge win-win. And I know it sounds funny, but I think Cynthia needs you in that party, be like, hey, I hear you. Of course you're saying the thing you need to say. And I know this is not a short-term win-win.

This is actually a short-term lose-lose. I feel guilty and my child is protesting. Nobody's winning now. But this is actually a longer-term win-win for both of us. Okay, the last thing I want to get to is how we can kind of like meet some of your child's needs during that bus ride or after. So if you know she's kind of looking for you in some way, child's needs during that bus ride or after. So if you know she's kind of looking for you in some way,

what's a way you could in part meet that need without picking her up? Well, she's really been into listening to audiobook podcasts for kids. And so I thought about coming up with a way for her to listen to something while she's on the bus. I don't know. I don't know if I would record myself

or something like that, but. I love that idea. I love that idea so much. And like, something's gonna be simple. You know, like you could write her a note every day. You put it in her backpack for the ride home. And you're gonna put a picture of the two of you. Oh, I know it's not the same.

It's also different than not having the picture, right? It's just like, I always think about that concept. I don't know if you've taken our sleep workshop, but this idea of infusing your presence into your child's room, because when it's similar, sleep is separation, school is separation, right? Your kids want you when sometimes, frankly, you don't really want to be there, right?

As we've said. So, okay, you don't really wanna be there, right? As we've said. So, okay, there's a lot between being there physically and not being there and infusing your presence in ways, right, same thing with sleep, with separation, with sleepovers, kids who are anxious in general need a little more support when a parent can't be there. So all those ways that we mentioned are a way, again,

it's like me going to dinner, but making sure I do something with my son the next day. I'm meeting the actual need, rather than the specific way it's surfacing. Does that make sense? Yes, yeah, absolutely. Then, you know, the last thing I would recommend you doing

is the way you deliver your decision to your child, to me, is like one of the most important things, because they'll feed off how confident you feel, and how confident you sound. And to me, one of the most underutilized strategies for parenting is just like practicing in front of a mirror, or practicing into a voice recorder and playing it back to yourself.

And then you'll hear, you're like, I do not sound like I had so much conviction in that. I forgot the hope piece. I only did the validation piece. Right. I think that that is something that I would just do a couple of times. And then I would, I would gear yourself up. I'd like do some jumping jacks, you know, to get your adrenaline up a little bit. I'd be like, today's the day, you know, when I'm going to share that I've made this decision. I've made this decision because at the end of the day, I am the pilot of this plane. And sometimes passengers have requests, you know,

they even have loud demanding requests. But I think we all know, like none of us want a pilot who's letting a passenger tell them where to land, right? No thank you. Right, and so, and I think practicing the delivery of that will be really helpful in setting the stage letting a passenger tell them where to land, right? And so, and I think practicing the delivery of that will be really helpful in setting the stage for everything that comes next.

Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com slash podcast. You could also write me at podcast at goodinside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world. And parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered, confident, and connected. I'm so excited to share Good Inside membership, the first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like-valued parents.

It's totally game-changing. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julia Knapp, and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Erica Belsky, Mary Panico, and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.