Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Revisit - One and Done

Episode Date: April 30, 2024

This is a repeat of an earlier episode. Even though the myths about only children have been debunked, the stereotypes remain. Only children are more selfish. Only children are spoiled. Only children are lonelier. In this conversation, Dr. Becky talks with a one and done mom who is tired of answering the question "Are you going to have another?".Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3PzGzh6Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastTo listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategyToday’s episode is brought to you by Airbnb: When you travel with kids, you get really good at expecting the unexpected. But Dr. Becky's last family vacation? She didn’t expect it to feel, well, like a vacation. She found an Airbnb with all these really personal touches—games for the kids, fresh coffee for her, and a really comfortable couch that she could sprawl out on and watch Netflix after the kids went to bed. The place reminded her a lot of home, and it made her realize that her place could also make the perfect Airbnb—and so could yours. We’ve put so much work into creating a loving, beautiful home for our families, whether it’s the kid’s playroom, a cozy reading corner, or even our favorite coffeemaker, and those same personal touches could also create the perfect getaway for another family. Plus, it’s an easy way to make some extra income for your next family trip. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com/host.Today’s episode is brought to you by Mommy's Bliss: It seems like during the school year, kids are always coming home with something! And finding an over-the-counter medicine that Dr. Becky trusts can be a real challenge. That's why she loves Mommy's Bliss. Mommy's Bliss has been the highly trusted baby brand for 25 years, and if you’re a parent, you probably know about their Gripe Water or Vitamin D drops. Now, they’ve launched a new Pain & Fever medicine that is not only safe and effective for infants and children, but it's also the first-ever Clean Label Project Certified acetaminophen. Here’s what that means for parents: no high fructose corn syrup, no dyes, no artificial sweeteners, and it's free from the top 9 allergens. But don’t worry— they didn’t leave out the part kids actually care about. It has a delicious natural berry flavor with organic elderberry, which means kids don’t put up a fight when it’s time to take it. For minor aches and pains caused by colds, flu, sore throats, and toothaches, there's Mommy's Bliss Pain & Fever. Now that's medicine for peace of mind.

One and done. But sometimes what you're not done with are people's comments. Really? You don't want him to have a sibling? Isn't she going to be lonely? Or your own self-doubt? I think maybe there's uncertainty about, I know what it looks like when you have siblings. I don't know what it looks like when you don't. So that's kind of scary to think.

So I think in the uncertainty, people saying things like spoiled, no social skills, I'm like, shit, is that true? What is, I don't know. I've never had that experience before. So is there something I'm actually missing here that I need to be clued in on? And if it is, I don't like what you guys are saying anyway.

Only children get a bad rap. They're spoiled. They don't know how to share. They lack social skills. They're too dependent. And while these are gross generalizations, if you grew up in a big family with siblings, it can be daunting to imagine being a parent

to an only child, especially if the road to your parenting journey wasn't an easy one and the family you initially envisioned is different than the one you have now. I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside. We'll be right back. Let's be real. Traveling with kids is a trip, not a vacation. And when you're in a hotel room, your kid's bedroom is also your bedroom, and your living room, and your dining room. And lights out for them means lights out for you, not really the vacation parents have

in mind. But then we discovered Airbnb. My kids had their own bedroom, and we found ourselves with a luxury we never thought we would have on a family trip, a one-hour vacation each night all to ourselves. You know I'm all for self-care, and that means making sure all parents

get more moments like this, even on vacation. And if you're planning an upcoming family trip, two things are true. Your home could be an Airbnb for another family. And it's a great way to earn some extra money to use for your kids camp, your next vacation, or something you want because your needs matter too. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com slash host. Hi Sunita, nice to meet you, welcome. Thank you, thank you. So excited to be here.

Tell me a little bit what's going on for you and what's on your mind for this conversation today. Yeah, so I have a two year old daughter, almost two, she'll be two in April, and I have loved your podcast the whole time. I found it so helpful and just being able to navigate even at such a young age, all the things that are already coming up, like helping her with her big feelings, trying to support myself as I support her at the same time, trying to deal with other people's reactions. And that's kind of what

made me want to ask this question today is, so my husband and I made a decision to have just one child and that came after a lot of just challenges and surprises in our fertility experience, having miscarriages and after that deciding, okay, our family looks different than we ever envisioned it was going to, but we love the family that we have the way it is now. But for both of us, we come from having a lot of siblings. And it's just so crazy seeing what it's like having a child and telling people, yes, this is our only child we're gonna have, the reactions that we get,

the characterizations of her at such a young age already where she's being called to things of, and like, oh, you know, she could be spoiled or selfish or have poor social skills or be lonely. It's like, she's not called to things of, like, oh, you know, she could be spoiled or selfish or have poor social skills or be lonely. It's like, she's not even two yet. How can we already think this about her? So I think it's just been wondering how to support a kid when people make these kind of comments about her.

Oh, no, that's going to happen when I'm there and when I'm not there as well. And just how to help her. So how do I deal with these kind of unwelcome, unsolicited comments about the type of person my kid is going to be, maybe based on our family composition, but also maybe we stop right there. Like how do we deal with comments people make about our children about the type of people they're going to be? Yes.

Yes. That would be so helpful. Okay. about the type of people they're going to be. Yes, yes. That would be so helpful. Okay, and just to add a little more context to this, do you come in with any concerns? Sometimes the comments people make about our kids that irk us the most are the ones that somewhere deep down, we're like, oh man, I kind of worry about that too. And you bringing it up makes it that much bigger.

Am I responding to your comment? Am I responding to my anxiety? I don't even know. So just like help me understand what you come in with. And I know you mentioned, so maybe we could flush it out a little. I didn't expect my family to look exactly maybe like this. So my guess is there's some more details there that might even be relevant if you're willing to share. Yeah. You know, I think coming from a family with siblings, so I have a younger sister and an older brother, and I'm incredibly close with both of them, particularly my sister. She is truly like my best friend. We spent so much time together. And I always imagined in my head when we would have kids, we would have kids, plural. And then plans all completely went out of the window once we actually started

trying to conceive and we had miscarriage and then another miscarriage. And then we just kept me having to revision our future over and over. Yeah, it is interesting when we find ourselves as adults, like we're like living a life that you're like, I didn't know I'd be living this life. And other people seem to have a lot of certainty about what that version of a life is going to look like now and down the road. And it does bring up like, okay, well, I know I don't know. This person seems pretty sure and they're pretty bold

and like telling me this, right? Do I want to take that in? Is there any part of that that is a concern I should look out for? Or do I just really need to work on kind of like pushing that stuff away from me? Exactly. That's the thing is I don't want to lose the truth of that because it's true. Yes, based on the family that we have, we do need to be more intentional

and making sure that she's around other kids, that she's getting to learn some of the things that maybe when you have a sibling it's different. It's more built in and all that kind of different stuff. So I want to stay tuned to that and at the same time, I don't want to, I don't want her to hear those things too. I mean, she's only only going to be two here soon, but she just picks up so much. I worry about what she can hear in those messages. Yeah. First, I'm thinking about this really concretely right now. I'm going to say three things that I think we can do today. And let me know if that speaks to you or if you feel like we've missed something or if one of those things is like not really relevant. Okay. One, I want to spend a little bit of

time hearing your feelings about this journey of having one child. As if nothing has ever been said to you about it. But if, again, if there's feelings of loss or just other feelings that sometimes come up when our family journeys don't look the same. I want to do that. Step two is I want to talk with you about what part of people's comments does kind of hit a concern you might have and then what can we do with that? And then step three, like, what do you say to people in the moment? Like what are our zingers we come back with or you know what are some

scripts for what we can say to respond or if possible it's not always is to like keep that out to keep it from never being said. So those are the three things I'm thinking about. Does that resonate any of them feel like no Becky that that doesn't really you know strike me as important. I like all of them. I have immediate thoughts and reactions to all of them. Great. Yes. Can you share a little bit about your fertility journey and what that was like for you? Yeah. You know, I think it was, there's so many things. It was devastating, confusing, sad, surprising at the same time, too. I think there was a lot that I didn't expect. There were even conversations that my husband and I had

that I don't think we would have had had we not experienced all of those. Really trying to be intentional about what we want our family to look like, what does family even mean to us? I think had our first pregnancy been successful, we would have just kind of kept going. We don't want to question the story

that we always grew up with. But because we had to do that again and again, it made us just realize things that we didn't realize we wanted. I think that's the piece when I think about even just having one child, there's a loss of the story that we have, but there's also almost excitement and relief and definitely a lot of surprise like, I didn't know I wanted this. But now that we have it, I'm like, oh, I actually really, really want this. It's been a huge surprise to us that both of us want only, we want this family that we have. Yeah.

So it sounds a little bit like there was like a lack of intentionality. Like we each kind of came from bigger families. So that version of a family just kind of, you know, was the one we filled in, like somehow that was colored into the book. And then it sounds like that still was on your mind early on. Yes. What did it take to bring this child into the world? Like was it miscarriages? Was it in vitro? Was it just month after month? Was it, like what did it take? Yeah. So we, after we had our miscarriages, we had gone and then we'd gotten the advice that it could be helpful to consider IVF. And for us, at that point, I was like, I don't know if I want to necessarily do that. I think there's something

about, like you mentioned, the story thought they had been colored in and we just kind of went along with it. And this felt like kind of another piece would be just kind of going like, okay, let's do the next thing that someone else says. But instead realizing, Oh, I think we have actually some, maybe some limits on what we want to do, what we're willing to do, what we financially, emotionally, physically just feel able to do. So we, we took a break for a couple of years and then we got a second opinion who said that, you know what, you may actually not even do IVF.

I said, just go ahead and start trying, see what happens. And that's how we ended up having our daughter. I had some progesterone and other things just to help, just knowing that I'd had the miscarriages during the past. But that's what happened for us when we went. And there she was. Yeah, it was crazy. During that past, I mean, we had conversations about what it would be like to not even have kids at all, which was a kind of wild thing to think about. But at the same time, there was something that almost felt kind of liberating and that I'd be like, oh. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm guessing that's the thing that will come up again, this idea of, are we locked into like one story of like, we have miscarriages, we couldn't have babies, and it's awful. And my whole life is, you know, over. And it sounds like even in of like, we have miscarriages, we couldn't have babies and it's awful and my whole life is over.

And it sounds like even in that moment, you were able to widen from that story. Like maybe there's a world where we like each other and we don't have kids or maybe there's different versions of happiness that we could find. Is that right? Yes. I mean, it sounds like your journey to having your daughter

involved tough moments, involved surprises, and then also involved a lot of intentionality around having her. Like, we really want to do this. We're trying this again. There was kind of like active decision-making to make that happen. Yes, definitely. A lot of conversations, yeah. A lot of thinking and rethinking things. Yeah. Which I want to pause on because it is interesting. You know, someone once asked me in an interview, did you always know you wanted to be a mom? I was like, you know, I don't know if I'd say yes to that. I also don't think I'd say no to that. Like, maybe it was the book that was given to me colored in a certain way. So it's hard to feel like you're making an active decision either way.

And whenever we make decisions that way, kind of like, oh, the story was just kind of given to me, a lot of things can happen after. It's like, oh, wow, I just kind of found myself in this story. I found myself having this number of kids or I found myself living in this area or I found myself leaving my job or not leaving my job. And I do think kind of being an adult in some ways involves always untangling,

like what was the story given to me? What's the story I want to write? Are those two things the same? And where they're not, like what do I want to do about it? And it sounds like the story that was given to you and your husband, where like you're going to have a family with lots of kids. And then you two actively made a decision

of our story that we are going to write a family with lots of kids. And then you two actively made a decision of our story that we are going to write involves having one child. We are authoring that story. Yes, completely. And so while it sounds like maybe there was sadness and loss along the journey, just in those moments, which are always hard, right? When we're trying to get pregnant. Tell me if this is right.

It sounds like that's not a very big part of your experience right now. Yeah, it really is. I think I talk about it with my husband a lot. And sometimes he worries that because I talk about how, how is she like amazing and confident and good? I feel about the decision. And for sure there's moments of loss that is still there. I can feel both of those things at the same time.

I think he worries. It's like, are you sure about this? I'm like, actually I keep talking to myself. I'm so surprised by, I feel like, god, about this, it just feels so right for our family. I don't think I would have known that until I met our daughter. I think that was part of it too, is I don't know how to plan our family until I actually met our family. Now I met our family, I'm like, oh, this is it.

It felt great. And maybe it sounds like silly or concrete, but I actually recommend writing that down, either as a reminder on your phone that goes off or as opposed to somewhere. Some version, there's no magic to these words, but something like, I feel good about our family. I feel good about having one child right now in this moment Looking at our family, which is me my husband and our one daughter. I feel very good and complete Actually writing that down, Sunita. I feel like would be

Truly like grounding for you. It feels calming me just hearing it because there's such a swirl around us all the time There's's so many, like I always call it, it's like a lot of chirping, always, right? All of that chirping has so much more to do with people's struggles in their own story than any of us, but it's hard to remember that. And so being grounded in our own story, right? And someone might be listening to this thinking, I have one kid and I'm not as confident as Sunita is. I actually still have a much bigger piece of my experience that involves loss.

That's okay. That's not better or worse. It just is. I would still write that down. Me looking at my family with our one kid or my one kid, maybe your story is I'm grateful for my child and I do still have a longing for another. If that's your story, that's just as good to write down,

but knowing what your story is, is really key in separating out what's going on for me and what are kind of the other chirpings all around me. So maybe let's move to those chirpings, right? That's kind of step two, we said. What about what people say, maybe does, you know, kind of click into a concern or worry you have. So when people say, you know, she's never going to learn to share, you know, she's never going to have anyone to play with, she's going to be really selfish, right?

These are maybe some of the chirpings people, right, say. I'm just curious if we just take those comments, Sunita, and we say, okay, those are all different comments. But if comments from other people bother us because they tap into some concern or worry we have, looking at that part of it is really, really important and actually really empowering because again, we're just separating you from me. So which of those even right away, they're never going to have anyone to play with, they're never going to learn how to share, they're going to be really selfish. Which would you identify as,

ooh, Becky, that's the loudest one in my body? I think it's the play with part, especially because I think about, so I'm Indian and my husband is white, so our daughter is interracial. So I think there's something about when people say, oh, she can be lonely, there's the loneliness that, the loneliness of being interracial that we are not, both of her parents are not. So being able to like, if she has a sibling, there would be someone else who has a somewhat

similar experience that we can't replicate that ourselves. We will never be that. We won't have her lived experience, even if there was a misdemeanor, they wouldn't necessarily have her experience anyway. I think that's the piece that hits me about, oof, is she going to be a different kind of lonely than either of us have ever experienced? So there's this story in general of only kids don't have someone to play with, right? They can feel a little lonely sometimes.

But what you're adding is, and tell me if this is right, neither you nor your husband is interracial. Is that correct? Yes, yes. So my child won't have someone else in the family who's living through that with her. Yes. And so there might be times he wishes

she had someone to play magnetiles with or throw a football with. There also might be moments, right, where she's looking at both of you. And I'm just going to say, it's like, you don't know what this is like. Yes. Yes. And what does that bring up for you? You don't know what this is like, Mom. Dad, you don't know what it's like. You know, I'm part white, I'm part Indian. That is so hard. You don't know what that's like to navigate that. I think the first reaction was like, God, I mean, you're exactly right. You're so right. I know. And that's the thing. I think I'm trying to pull to my own

experience of knowing what it feels like to be not Indian enough to be Indian to be in certain circles. But that's just even as someone who was fully in this group. So I think that's it. I'm like, Yeah, you're exactly right. I don't know that. I don't know anything about that. And that's scary. What I love about your response is when our kids come at us for anything. For you, it may be, you know, you don't know what it's like to be interracial or for someone else, you know, in

their family, it might be you don't know what it's like to be the only kid without TikTok. That reaction of like, you're right. I don't know. You and I, Sunita Wright, are both psychologists and probably all the time we hear people's stories that we're curious about, want to help them kind of figure out their struggles. But inherently, we've never walked in their shoes, ever. Does that ever come up in your private, or do you have a private practice? Do you see people individually or you work in a different capacity? Yeah, I work at a group practice with adults and, you know, right as you were saying that, I was like, yeah, you're right.

There's so many stories that I don't know. And I think I'm expecting to go into this not knowing the stories. So I can just come in and be like, yeah, I'm curious. I want to know knowing the stories. So I can just come in and be like, yeah, I'm curious. I want to know all the stories. And I think already as a parent, I have this expectation. I'm like, oh, I should know how you do this that I can tell you how to do it. If I don't know how to tell you how to do it,

then how do I help you? It seems like during the school year, my kids are always coming home with something. And finding an over-the-counter medicine for my kids that I trust is a real challenge. And this is why I love Mommy's Bliss. Mommy's Bliss has been the highly trusted baby brand for 25 years. And if you're a parent, you probably know about their gripe water or vitamin D drops. Well, now they've launched a new pain and fever medicine that's not only safe and effective for infants and children, it's also the first ever clean label project certified acetaminophen. Here's what that means for parents. No high fructose corn syrup, no dyes, no artificial sweeteners,

and it's free from the top nine allergens. But don't worry, they didn't leave out the part that kids actually care about. It has a delicious natural berry flavor with organic elderberry, which means my kids don't put up a fight when it's time to take it. For minor aches and pains caused by colds, flu, sore throats, and toothaches, there's mommy's bliss, pain, and fever. Now that's medicine for peace of mind. I want to take a moment to let you know about something I'm super excited about.

I've been hearing about so many families struggling with their kids who are hitting or kicking or biting or pushing or where the aggression is more verbal and there's a lot of rudeness and I want to show up for all of you so you can have the hope I have. I know these problems are totally conquerable and even better, these are the exact moments when your kid can learn skills for life, the skills they'll always need to manage anger

or frustration or upset feelings. My upcoming live workshop, Conquering Problem Behaviors, is on May 1st at 1130 a.m. Eastern. And if you can't make it live, no worries at all. It's always recorded and uploaded to membership the next day. Check it out in the link in my show notes or through goodinside.com. For every family structure, someone has one kid, someone has three kids all, you know, 10 months apart, someone has kids who are eight years apart and they wish they were closer. Like, no matter what your family structure is,

there's going to be parts of that that feel easy and natural, and there's going to be parts of that that are tricky. Every single one. And one of the moments that you seem to identify with your daughter that will be tricky are those moments of you don't understand, or even some kids will say, I wish you had another kid. Why didn't you give me a sister?

Why didn't you give me a brother? Why didn't you give me a brother? Kids say that, right? I mean, kids also with a million brothers and sisters will say, I wish you didn't have these brothers and sisters. They both happen. And your stance, I feel like that will just leave you so prepared, is it's a different version of you're right, but just like, I'm so glad you're talking to me about this. Feels to me like the number one line parents need to memorize.

Like, especially when their kids come at them with, like, feeling upset with them. You don't understand. I'm so glad you're talking to me about this. Why didn't you give me a sibling? I'm so glad you're talking to me about that. You seem to, you know, have thoughts and feelings about that. You're right to have those thoughts and feelings.

I'd love to hear more. Yes. It's such a good point. It's funny. even though my daughter is so young, I feel like saying that in the language she can understand now, but I'm so glad you're talking about this. Right now, she's been getting so upset that she wears bangles, like the Indian, you know, bracelets, and she loves wearing them at night. I'm like, you cannot wear these at night to bed. But she wants us to sit there and we just like talk about it. We talk about it. I'm like, you want to wear the bangles. You want to wear the bangles. we just like talk about it. We talk about it. I'm like, you want to wear the bangles.

You want to wear the bangles. Yeah, tell me about that. We're going to take them off eventually. But just having that is all that she needs to. I was shocked the other day. She put her arm out for me to take them off. I'm like, oh my gosh, that worked. You're letting me take this off without a full meltdown?

Yeah, right. That worked. I know those are like the most, you're like, wow, there's something to this. Yeah. Yeah, right. That worked. I know those are like the most you're like, wow, there's something to this. Yeah, you know, and I use that line with a lot with my kids when they're younger, when they were younger, like they'd have a meltdown about something and saying to them, I'm so glad I know how important this is to you, which is another version of, I'm so glad you're talking to me about this. Now, again, that doesn't mean knowing how important it is for them to have, I don't

know, the 15th Oreo they're eating doesn't mean I'm giving that 16th Oreo. Like actually, those are two totally separate things. But there's something about responding to a kid's big emotional expression to us by saying like, I'm so glad I know about this. Again, I think like, if I was really mad at my husband and I kind of raged at him and he was like, wow, that's a lot, but also I'm so glad I know about how important this is. I would just melt. I'd be like, oh, you're right.

It is important. You know? Oh, that's true. And so I think when it comes to that worry you have or that fear, right, the worries and fears we have about our kids as they get older, what if they're lonely? What if they come at me one day saying, oh, I wish I had a sibling? Like, in general, I find the things that we worry about

with our kids, if we turn it to ourselves and say, okay, let me just tell myself that will happen. Oh, I worry that one day my kid's gonna say, you don't understand. One day my kid will say, you don't understand. I worry one day my kid's gonna say, yeah, I wish you gave me a sibling. One day my kid will say, I wish you gave me a sibling, right? Like making it

into a fact and then telling myself. And I will be able to deal with that. And that will be a point of learning and probably connection between us. And that will actually probably be a really important, hard, painful, have my own stuff come up, and important moment, really changes things from a worry that's swirling around me and making me feel overwhelmed to something I can picture and actually kind of feel competent about. Tell me if that resonates at all.

It really does. And, you know, even hearing it that way, just taking that second, this is going to happen. I feel it would take me away from spending so much time having that thought just circulate, circulate, circulate. The number of times I've had with my husband, I'm like, how are we gonna do when she asks about if she can have another sibling?

I spent so much time worrying about that that I miss things that are actually happening right now, even. I think that's so right. And I'm sure there's people listening and you're thinking like, oh, this issue doesn't apply to me. And on the surface, you know, we all have different issues. But underneath, probably one of the things all of us do as parents at times

is we lose a lot of time and energy to worries we have about the future. And one of the things about worries and our own anxiety is that we often think we can make anxiety and worry better by kind of like going down a rabbit hole and like thinking about it forever or game planning about it. But actually, one of the best things we can do for anxiety is just remind ourselves that we're capable because anxiety kind of pauses or deescalates when you remind yourself, wait, like I'm a capable person and if and when that thing happens, I'll be able to deal with it. And so, what about when my kid, you know, asks for a phone and I don't want to give

it to them? It's such a swirl versus one day my kid's going to ask for a phone. I'm not going to want to give it to them and I'm going to be able to cope with that. I will. When that moment comes, I will get through it. I'm a good, strong, capable parent and I can do it. And all of a sudden, the nervous spiraling energy transitions into like, wow, I'm kind of a badass energy. Yes, it really does. It feels like it gives me somewhere else to go, whether it is like,

I want to handle it. I just love learning. So I'm like, let me learn about how to handle it. Or if you're like, yeah, I'm going to handle this, let me focus on things that are actually happening right now in my life. I love that. I love that decision tree. I'm going to handle this. I'm going to focus on things that are actually happening right now in my life. I love that. I love that decision tree. I'm going to handle it. Do I want to spend my time now thinking about how to handle it? Or I'm going to handle it.

So actually, what else do I want to put energy toward in the meantime? Yeah. I agree. So, okay, so here's the third category of things we said we were going to talk about. What do we do in that moment? What do you do when you're in the grocery store and random person X behind you is like waxing poetic about, you know, your family structure or maybe it's not there. Maybe it's at a family gathering and you have the aunts and uncles and grandparents and

great grandparents telling you about this decision you made. Where does it come up that's most bothersome or most frequent for you? I think where it comes up the most probably is within like family gatherings and things like that. I can think of a time recently where we were at some extended family and a cousin asked like, oh, so are you going to have another child? I was like, no, you know, we're just going to have one and we love it. And she's like, oh, you want to give yourself, give another sister, give like Sheila, my

sister's name. She's like, you don't want to give her a Sheila. I'm like, I don't really want to recreate my, try to have another child to recreate the same relationship I had with my sister with my immediate response, which landed awkwardly. And then it kind of fizzled away from that. And I think that's what I usually do.

People say something, I have to snap back quickly with the first response that comes to my mind and it doesn't usually go well. Yeah, well, I guess we have to figure out what going well means, right? One of the things that happens a lot in conversations is people do say or ask really inappropriate things, like things that are not their business,

things that have more to do with their own stuff than anything to do with us. I always feel like sometimes they're just like a pawn in their game and that never feels good. And the visual I always think about, Sunita, is like that person puts this like awkwardness on us. And one thing you're saying you do is like you just kind of give it back to them, the awkwardness. Which I can say, I think especially like women are socialized against that. I think in general, societally, people give women a lot of awkwardness

and worse than that. They give a lot of aggression or a lot of really inappropriate, really uncomfortable statements. And then as women, somehow societally, we've been taught our job is to just digest that for them. And I actually think it's a really powerful thing to think, you know what? That wasn't mine to begin with. I'm not taking that. I'm giving it back to its owner.

So, when you say back, things like, yeah, this isn't really a conversation I want to have. Or that doesn't really sound like a curious question. It sounds more like a judgment. Or no, I'm not looking to recreate the exact family I have. I'm kind of excited as an adult to make my own decisions. It can feel like, oh, that didn't go well. But I think a different interpretation could be, someone gave me something pretty inappropriate and I just said something to give it back.

That wasn't mine in the first place. You know, that's such a good point. It's actually making me think something I used to love that my husband would do after we had our miscarriages. Whenever people would ask, I was like, oh, why aren't you guys having kids? Or when are you going to have kids?

And he would just respond to me like, we had two miscarriages, so we're just taking our time grieving right now and thinking about what we want as a family. And it would just usually be a pretty conversation ender at that point, but I always remember loving that response too. Like, I'm glad you made it awkward right now, because they made it awkward actually, and you're just responding with our truth. And it felt like he was advocating for me. And I think that's something that I think about is I want my daughter to know that I'm looking out for her. I think I would have loved it if someone made it awkward

for me growing up of make it awkward. That feels nice. That feels true. I love that. I love that. And I do think the image of, I didn't start the awkwardness. I didn't really make it awkward.

It was made awkward for me. And so I can like hit that ball back to the tennis court side where it initiated. Like I didn't serve this ball. You know, I'm just giving it back. And then often I think as women, again, it's a bigger discussion, we're like, oh, you're so sensitive or oh, like you don't just say it so aggressively. And it's really a perversion of the truth. If you look at it, you're like, I did not begin it.

I just, you know, hit it back over. That's anversion of the truth. If you look at it, you're like, I did not begin it. I just hit it back over. That's an act of self-protection. That's really not an act of aggression. Yeah, that's so untruthful, that idea of like, I didn't make it awkward. You made it awkward. And I think my impulse is to almost somehow contort it to make it feel nice and pleasant and not uncomfortable

for either of us anymore, but I'm just going to return it just like I received it. That's exactly right. Like serves in tennis that are hit hard, even if you just put a racket up, it tends to go back hard. That's because it was served hard, you know? So, now I think there's a couple other nuances here. Whenever I think about comments that are said to us that are inappropriate, or often I'm asked,

like, what am I supposed to tell my kid to do when they're kind of bullied, or when, you know, someone says something inappropriate? I think often we really do focus on what do we say back. But my take here is what's way more important is what we say to ourselves. And I think that's something none of us were taught. Like when someone says something inappropriate to us, the answer isn't coming up with a good zinger to them.

The answer is actually trying to self-protect. And so when someone says to you, you know, oh, just one kid, do you worry she's going to be like, kind of lonely and selfish? Like, okay, there's the tennis ball. You're allowed to say whatever you want back, but I feel like more important, Sunita, what might you say to yourself in that moment?

Yeah. I feel good about the family that I've created. I feel proud of it. I just want to pause on that. I actually have the chills. Like it's really interesting visually, I think, to see that ball coming your way. Like, oh, do you ever worry she's going to be lonely? You know, I don't know.

You're going to think about having another kid. And just like, I don't know why in the movie of this moment, I picture like a pause button. And then you're on your side just saying to yourself, like, I felt really good about my family. I felt really proud of my family and the decisions that led to this family. Like, maybe bolstering that a little more to say, like, I know that and no one can take away my knowing that. Yeah. And then if we played the movie from there, you know, the irony is when we bolster ourselves in that way,

we create a little barrier. We're like, yeah, this comment now is no longer infiltrating me, it just kind of lives in the ether outside of me. And then the irony is whether we want to come back with a, like, hitting that ball back, or like a zinger, or whether we just decide at that moment, like I just actually think I'm going to kind of get up and get a glass of water and or

just say like, yeah, great question. Anyway, tell me about work. Like, you know, like it actually becomes so much less important because we no longer use the comment we have to someone else as a way of validating ourselves. We've already done that. And so what happens next is like kind of neither here nor there, which feels very freeing. It really does. When you saw that visual of standing there, you know, saying that, and saying like,

none of this other stuff, it really mattered. It's almost, my mind went to thinking, what was I doing? Like, what did you even say? Like, I don't even remember your comments anymore. I'm kind of into this moment now. That's exactly right. And then I can tell you in my own life, with anyone? What did you even say? I don't even remember your comments anymore. I'm kind of into this moment now. That's exactly right. And then I can tell you in my own life, there are moments I'm

like, I'm feeling kind of spicy today. I'm just going to like, I just, and I know this person and I just, I'm in the mood. Like I'm going to like kind of give it back. And then there's other moments with the same person or someone else. And I'm like, you know what? It's not that it's quote not worth it. I just don't want to do it. So I'll say something like, it seems like you have a lot of thoughts about how many kids I have if you're ever Coming at that from a place of like actually wanting to be curious about my journey I'm happy to talk to you about that if it's coming from a place of feeling like there's one right way That's not a conversation. I'm interested in having I just wanted to lay out those two options for you

Or I feel like saying yeah, I don't really you know, that's not really on my mind right now But I really heard that you're reading this book and I want to hear it. Like, I just give myself freedom to say any of it because I've already done for myself what I needed to do for myself. Yes. Yeah. That's also grounding to know that regardless of what they do, I know what I'm going to do. I know when the mood hits me, because it does sometimes, I do feel like giving back a zinger or something like that to do. I know when the mood hits me, because it does sometimes, I do feel like giving back a zinger or something like that to them.

And the satisfaction of seeing it land feels nice, but sometimes I don't feel like doing that. That's exactly right. It's not like you have nothing to prove. You're just like, might be in the mood, you know? Yes. I feel like playing this weird tennis right now. Exactly.

One day when your daughter faces these things, whether it's, oh, you don't have a brother or sister, is that so sad? Or maybe it's not that. Maybe it is something much more in some ways aggressive. Maybe someone makes a comment about the color of her skin or, you know, or it's just like, you're no good at soccer. No one likes you. We don't want to play with you. That idea of like, I always find it powerful. Like, what if we teach that to the next generation? Like, it's not about what you say to someone else. It's really about what you say to yourself. And maybe one day I can see a moment with your daughter where you're like, look, actually,

there are times people say things to me about having one kid. And this is how I kind of pause and talk to myself. And then you're like really in that process together. So powerful. Yeah, I think that's what I would really want. And I think that's so helpful to hear. Because that's part of my fear of how do I coach her in those moments?

I have no idea what the script is going to be, so I can't tell her what her line should be in this. But what I do know is how we can talk about what she's feeling afterwards, what that was like for her. That's exactly right. You can talk about that. You can teach her. I think kids learning the idea of a mantra.

So a mantra is something you say to yourself when everything feels really big. A mantra is something really simple and small. And sometimes it's nice to have something simple and small to say to yourself when things feel really big, right? I don't know, something like that. That's so something we can teach our kids. They'll take that with them to the playground

or to that sleepover or to the math class or wherever they feel vulnerable. We don't have to change what everyone says to them if we're focused on like kind of what they do and say for themselves. Yeah, we don't have to change what people say to them. We focus on what's going on with them. And I love the idea of if she's ever feeling spicy,

she serves out some whatever service she would like to that day. I just have an image of someone asking her a dumb question. Her just coming back with like, oh, do you ever get sad? I'm like, yes, very sad. What would you like to do with this? Where's the conversation going to go?

I think there's something that I hope she gets to do both. I do too. I feel like I will go on record saying, I feel like we need some more women like throwing out some spicy cod, serving the awkwardness back to where it originated. So I will go on record with you saying we sign our names to that.

More spiciness, yes, agreed. Thanks to Airbnb. Remember, your home could be worth more than you think. Find out more at airbnb.com slash host. And thanks to Mommy's Bliss. Check out their new pain and fever medicine at mommysbnb.com slash host. And thanks to Mommy's Bliss. Check out their new pain and fever medicine at mommysbliss.com. Thank you for listening.

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