Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Revisit - Overstimulated and Touched Out

Episode Date: May 21, 2024

This is a repeat of an earlier episode. Parenting small children is a full-body sensory experience. They're loud. They're grabby. They make messes everywhere. Personal space isn't a concept they fully understand yet. And as a parent, it's a lot. Occupational therapist Larissa Geleris joins Dr. Becky to give parents tips and tools for sensory and emotional regulation so they can go back to enjoying parenthood.Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/4dx0yHxFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastTo listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategyToday’s episode is brought to you by Airbnb: When you travel with kids, you get really good at expecting the unexpected. But Dr. Becky's last family vacation? She didn’t expect it to feel, well, like a vacation. She found an Airbnb with all these really personal touches—games for the kids, fresh coffee for her, and a really comfortable couch that she could sprawl out on and watch Netflix after the kids went to bed. The place reminded her a lot of home, and it made her realize that her place could also make the perfect Airbnb—and so could yours. We’ve put so much work into creating a loving, beautiful home for our families, whether it’s the kid’s playroom, a cozy reading corner, or even our favorite coffeemaker, and those same personal touches could also create the perfect getaway for another family. Plus, it’s an easy way to make some extra income for your next family trip. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com/host.

I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. Parenting small children is a full-body sensory experience. I mean, they scream, they grab, they make messes, and as a parent, it can be totally overwhelming and take the joy out of a moment. My guest today is Larissa Jularis. She's an occupational therapist specializing in sensory processing disorder, and she helps parents with sensory and emotional regulation so they can enjoy parenthood.

By the end of this episode, you'll learn some concrete things you can do to feel less overwhelmed in all of those intense moments. We'll be right back. Let's be real. Traveling with kids is a trip, not a vacation. And when you're in a hotel room, your kid's bedroom is also your bedroom, and your living room, and your dining room.

And lights out for them means lights out for you, not really the vacation parents have in mind. But then we discovered Airbnb. My kids had their own bedroom, and we found ourselves with a luxury we never thought we would have on a family trip. A one hour vacation each night, all to ourselves. You know I'm all for self care,

and that means making sure all parents get more moments like this, even on vacation. And if you're planning an upcoming family trip, two things are true. Your home could be an Airbnb for another family. And it's a great way to earn some extra money to use for your kids' camp, your next vacation, or something you want, because your needs matter too. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com slash

host. So just to frame this for us, for everyone listening, I want us to talk about kind of the experience of a parent being so overwhelmed with all of the noises and touching and screaming and just kind of sensory overload. And I think I'm starting to see a little bit more in the media, in literature, about awareness of sensory dynamics in kids. But what I want to focus here is on the parents' sensory experience of their kids. Yes, it's a big experience.

Right? So you work as an occupational therapist, primarily with children with sensory processing disorder. And I want to hear kind of how and why you shifted to kind of addressing sensory issues within parents. Yes. So I, like you mentioned, had been working in the pediatric population for a long time. And then when my son was about 18 months old, my oldest, we all went hiking as a family.

I hit my head, got a pretty terrible concussion and ended up with my own sensory dysfunction, a lot of being very startled by noise, pretty much everything I treated in the clinic I was then experiencing. And I had to work through those experiences and also parent at the same time. And so that was the big shift in me thinking like, wait a minute, parents need this information. You don't have to have hit your head to know that parenting is a sensory nightmare. I have these tools. I have figured out how to use them in a way that's effective. That's where I started.

I hopped on Instagram in March of 2020 like everyone else, like, what else are we going to do? That was really what stuck with people really feeling validated when I would talk about my own experiences with sensory overload as a parent and what were the evidence-based tools that I was using for myself to support myself in taking care of my child and now children. I now have two of them. Yeah. So just for everyone listening, right?

Because sometimes these terms are confusing. Sensory, processing. Like one of the ways I think about it, okay, is the other day, somehow miraculously on a weekend, all three of my kids were out on play dates somewhere else. And I walked into my house and I sat down on my couch. After like 30 seconds, I was like, it is so quiet. Like it was confusing. It was so quiet. And for maybe the like 21 minutes I had, I like, I got so much done.

I felt so at ease. And then one by one, my kids came home and like everything changed, right? Like, yeah, everything. It was so, it was so loud. It was like, each of my kids was like, kind of like, I need to sit on your lap. I need to touch this.

Mommy, come here, do this. The pulling, it was so different. And you're right, it's never really discussed. Like no one, when they become a parent, is thinking about their own sensory experiences, their sensory bucket, how they experience kind of noise or touch or these different things.

And yes, I think your work is so important because it is a really influential factor in our moods, in our reactivity, in how we then interact with our kids. Yes, exactly. It's just, it's everything. And the thing when I was in pediatrics, I would speak to the parents like sensory processing is your most foundational sense of yourself. If you do not have a good sense of yourself, you cannot feel safe in the moment. You can't access your higher level skills, executive functioning, attention, concentration,

emotional regulation. None of it can happen without good effective sensory processing, which happens down in the brainstem. So if you think about it from a pyramid, the brainstem is the lowest part, it's the most primitive part. If you don't have that, no higher level skills are available. And so in parenthood, it's the same thing. If we are not regulated down in our brainstem, all of the other demands of parenthood can't happen.

They're just not available. Yeah. So can you give some examples? So someone's thinking my brainstem, sensory processing, like what goes into that? So when I talk about sensory systems, I want you to think about them as like the backstage crew. This is like my favorite metaphor for it because when you think about a backstage crew in a production, there are so many different jobs. They're all working, doing their own thing, working behind

the scenes. They're talking to each other. You know, you have lights, costumes, all of that. They're all working together and separately to make sure that the job gets done. But you as the viewer, the audience don't see it happening, but you do see a seamless theater production. So you see it all come together. But if one crew member isn't moving efficiently or if it's not talking to the other systems, then the whole production will struggle.

You'll notice if the lights didn't turn on when they should have. You might not be able to tell why immediately, but if you do know the role of every crew member, then you can start to figure it out. If you think about the sensory systems, it's the same thing. We have our five sensory systems that everybody always talks about. Those are the ones you learn in kindergarten, sight, taste, touch, smell, and hearing. But there are also three hidden senses as well. There's

vestibular, which is our sense of head movement, where our head is in relationship to gravity, how it's tilted, if it's moving towards the ground, and how quickly it's moving. We have proprioception, which is our... which is located in our muscles and joints. It's the input that you receive when your muscles stretch and contract. When your joints move, it provides information about where our body is without having to look at it. That's how you can reach around to get that itch on your back without needing to see it.

Then we have our interoception, which is our sense of internal sensations of the body. So that's heart rate, that's hunger, thirst, bowel and bladder pressure, all of that. So all of those systems, all eight of them need to be working together and separately and talking to each other so that we can then have a good sense of where we are in space, have a good sense of what's happening around us, and keep ourselves safe. So really, it's a foundational primary sense of safety. So for example, the auditory system will tell us if there's a predator looming nearby.

Our vestibular and proprioceptive systems will tell us if we're moving, if we're falling, if we're being pushed. The tactile system, our touch system, tells us if we're getting bitten by a snake or if we are brushing up against some poison ivy. So if we shift that understanding of sensory processing and sensory overload really to a sense of foundational safety, then it's a lot easier to, one, show kindness to ourselves when we enter sensory overload, and also to understand how foundational it is.

And it's really, when we are experiencing sensory overload, it's just our sensory systems working a little too fiercely in the midst of sensory chaos. So, okay, so let me paint a picture because I hear from parents all the time, like, oh, I know the parent I wanna be, I see the situation, my kid is having a tantrum, my kid's getting really upset, and I kinda know how I wanna show up,

but then the moment comes and I'm not showing up that way. So let's say this parent, calling for a friend, has a five-year-old son, like I happen to, and that son is very strong and very strong-willed. And when you say no, that kid is. It is not an easy, okay, mom, it's like, no, I want it. I want that water bottle now and I need that water bottle now and you need it. Okay. I want that water bottle now and I need that water bottle now and you need, okay. Like from your OT perspective, from a sensory perspective, like walk us through what might be going on for the parent.

So the parent listening, me, and maybe some of her listeners too, can just better understand, oh, like that's a factor in why it's so hard for me to stay calm. Yeah, I also have a strong-willed five-year-old son. So I don't know if you were talking about me, but that sounds very familiar in my life.

So what happens then is let's think about co-regulation because that is such a key piece. And it's talked about so much in the parenting space. But one of the pieces that gets talked about, which is great, is that a child needs like a calm adult to learn how to stay calm. Absolutely, a hundred percent. And co-regulation is our nervous system listening to another's nervous system and making sense of the situation based on somebody else's outward experience. So if we, the parent, are getting cues from another, like you're the worst mom ever, hitting, screaming,

tantruming, all of that stuff, that is sending signals to our nervous system that there's danger. And that's just instinct. That's not anything wrong. That's exactly what it's meant to do. But we as the parent then need to be able to step back. But to understand, like, this is just our nervous systems talking to each other. It makes sense that a dysregulated child will dysregulate an adult. So I love this clarification, right?

Because if we're thinking about other times our nervous system would send our bodies the message of danger. Let's say like we're all out in a forest for some reason and a bear attacks, okay? And like a bear is right there or some animal. We don't want our bodies to say, hey bear, like, it's gonna be okay.

Like, I'm here for you. Like, that would be so weird. And like, we'd be like, wow, my body really was working against me. Like, instead of like, realize there was a danger, like probably started running or like, I don't know, fighting or whatever we do, right? So that wouldn't make sense.

So, okay, we're not in the forest with a bear. It's true. We are in the kitchen talking about a water bottle with our five-year-old son, okay? But our body, when it hears our five-year-old scream, goes from zero to a hundred, goes from kind of quiet to really, really loud. Maybe they're pulling on our arm too, right? Our body is kind of not operating in space in the same way because we're being pulled, whatever it is.

Our body, is this what you're saying too, it kind of thinks it's being attacked by a bear. Yes. And I would argue that we're not going from zero to 100. We're going from like 70 to 100, 60 to 100. We, when we get- Thank you for the correction. Yeah, well, I mean, it's, I think it is so easy to feel

like you're going from zero to 100 because the little subtle shifts in your body that indicate that you are in a heightened state are hard to notice. And so that is really, honestly, the bulk of my work is helping you set yourself up proactively, one, so that you can notice those subtle shifts and then shift yourself back down. So when your child does have those meltdowns and those tantrums, because they

are going to, you are starting at zero, maybe 10, maybe 20. And so you are better able to handle that your body is not already in a heightened state of nervous system activation so that you can then be that calm for your child versus going from like- So Larissa, is what you're saying, when our kid has that tantrum, that scream, and we think, oh, I went from zero to 100. If we think about the zero or 100 as like a bucket that can hold a certain amount of water,

we're actually not at zero. Like if we're not paying attention to our sensory system and our sensory needs, when we're not in a tantrum, we're probably at 70% full of our bucket at baseline. We think we're at zero, but we're not. It's already 70% full. So then our kid does whatever the thing is they do. And we think, oh, I'm so triggered.

I don't show up the way I want. But really the answer might not be how can I intervene differently in the moment? The answer might be how can I intervene differently with myself? Outside the moment so when I get to that moment I actually am closer to zero percent full of my sensory bucket, and I'm not so easily overflowing. Is that making sense? Is that accurate from your perspective? Yes.

Okay. So, tell me more. Yeah, explain that more to everyone because that's a really powerful shift and actually gives us a different intervention to think about. Yes. So, if you think about, like you were saying, thinking about your sensory systems as a bucket. So we, everybody has a different sensory capacity for what their nervous system needs. Not only what they can handle, but what they need. Like everybody needs a certain amount of input. Some people need

more to stay regulated, to kind of be in this active, like where you and I are having this conversation and we are attentive and alert and engaged. Some people need a lot. Like for me, before this, I was chewing crunchy food, I was listening to loud music, I was really getting myself pumped up for this conversation because I knew that I was already feeling kind of sluggish.

And so that's what I did. Whereas for others, they may need like very little, maybe somebody would have needed like a very calm environment to get to that alert and concentrated and regulated state. Throughout the day, we are getting sensory input. Even without children, we would be getting sensory input. Even without children, we would be getting sensory input. We are driving, talking, eating, all of that should be a good amount of input to keep us regulated throughout the day. Depending on the size of our bucket, we need more or less.

And so if we know that we have a smaller bucket, and when I say bucket, I mean like your capacity so for what you can handle. So if you imagine sensory input like water going into a bucket, if it's a smaller bucket, it will overflow more quickly. And that's where you see over stimulation. And it's this total like, whoa, too much, too fast. And you it spills over.

And so what we want to be doing is providing opportunities to empty that bucket throughout the day so that we can handle the big moments in parenthood. And not only just be there for our children when they're having difficult moments, but we also want to enjoy them. And I think that's a huge piece that a lot of parents are like, I just need to get through this. I need to get through this. But like, parenting is beautiful. And when we are in a regulated state

from a sensory perspective, our nervous system is available to have safe connected relationships. And that means enjoying our children, playing with our children, and really getting to know them. Having sensory strategies is such a beautiful thing in supporting that. Okay, big exciting announcement. We are giving the Good Inside Potty program a way for free.

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follow the link in show notes and enter your email. I can't wait to hear your success stories. So, Larissa, so I'm going to assume for a lot of the parents listening, they're thinking, oh yeah, I never maybe thought about it that way, but I think maybe I have a small bucket, right? And let me be clear here for everyone, it's not like a morality judgment. It's not like you're a worse parent for that. Not at all. I feel like adulthood is just about getting to know ourselves, figuring ourselves out

and figuring out how to meet our needs. There's no better or worse. It's really just that. Right. And so for people who are thinking, maybe that is one of the reasons I find parenthood so chaotic and so loud. This is why maybe I find tantrums that much more difficult to even be in the same room in when it's happening.

A parent's listening to this, I think they're like, oh my goodness, that makes so much sense. And then I think they're wondering, okay, can you please give me like one, maybe two, concrete how to empty that bucket, how to bring ourselves back to a zero type of exercises. Could you walk us through one right now? Yes. So one of my all time favorite strategies because it's so simple is leaning against a wall. Because what happens when you lean against a wall? One, you're not, I mean, I love hiding in my closet

in my bathroom too, but kids seem to like follow you in there and then it's, you know, then they're banging at the door and then you're feeling guilty and it's this whole thing. So when you are leaning against a wall, your kids don't notice that something else is happening. They're still doing whatever they're doing, but you are getting grounding input

into your body from the wall. It helps you understand where you are in space. It also cuts off auditory and visual stimuli from behind. So you then are not, you're only having to process half of what you were processing before. And so it cuts down the demands significantly. And so it can be one of the most effective.

I know you can see me, everyone can see me. I'm in a podcast studio. I hope everyone, I actually like, I'm gonna do this. So just, you can see me. So I'm standing up and then just like literally just put my back against the wall. Okay. And yes, now I'm getting, I'm cutting off kind of half the space. And also, I don't know if this is what's intended, like, it sounds so like I feel supported by the wall. Is that part of it? That input? Yes, it's like a weighted blanket for your back. And then you also can breathe there,

which is then you're getting tactile cues into your rib cage too. So you can really take in those deep breaths in and out. You can ground yourself and understand where you really pay attention to your feet. It's so simple and so grounding, which is why it's one of my favorites. And it can really help reduce, spill out some of the water in your bucket. And then I want to make this one more level, like logistically concrete for everyone listening.

So the other day, actually, Larissa, in our membership, someone posted this screenshot of their phone and said, you know you're a good inside member, when, essentially, because I'm such a big fan of using phone reminders to help us align our intention with actions. Because to me, let's use technology for our benefit. When our phone beeps, we all listen to it, right? So we can use that to our advantage. So everyone listening here, if you are not driving a car, if you are able to, actually take out your phone and go to reminders.

And I would, I would set a reminder that says, stand against a wall, breathe in and out, I don't know, 10 times, whatever the amount is, and then set it for a time in your day when you know you're not going to be mid tantrum. So maybe your kid naps at noon. So you're like, you know what? That generally happens, you know, 80% of the time. So it's 12, 15. Maybe it's, I am someone who always takes a midday walk.

Okay, do it then. I know I who always takes a midday walk. Okay, do it then. I know I pick up my kid at 3 p.m. I'm gonna do it at 2.30. And actually set that. Would you have someone set it, Larissa, every day? Like once a week? Like how often? Oh, multiple times a day.

Because it's such a simple thing, it doesn't take anything away. You can be there for a minute. You can be there for 10 minutes, whatever your body needs. I also would think about the moments that you know are triggering, like that 5 to 8 PM chaos. So maybe at four, before your kids start getting hungry and cranky and clawing at your leg

and the stove vent starts running and the sizzling from the pan on the stove and when you you know that those moments of the day are especially triggering for you then before those moments is when you want to be taking time to support yourself and leaning against a wall is One way to do that You can also add in crunchy and chewy foods, either at the same time or at a different time,

and that provides deep, resistive sensory input into your mouth. It's why babies like to chew on things. Children are brilliant at figuring out what they need, and somehow, somewhere along the way, we've lost that. But those strategies still work for us as adults. And when you are chewing something crunchy, chewing something chewy, it could be gum, it could be dried mango, it could

be beef jerky, it could be a bagel, whatever it is, it's providing input into your muscles and your joints, into your jaw, which are very, very sensitive, and releasing serotonin, which then helps regulate you. And so having moments where you know those strategies and you do them intentionally, not mindlessly, if you're just kind of like, oh yeah, I'm going to chew whatever, but not really pay attention, I'm still scrolling on my phone. It doesn't exactly have the same effect. Really be mindful about what you're doing. Feel the input into your joints and really pay attention to it.

And you can feel the tension, the sensory overload melt away. I love that. And now my like bagel habit, I feel like has like basically is like evidence-based, you know? Absolutely. So I appreciate it. Yeah. I appreciate this, you know? Whole wheat, everything bagel with scallion cream cheese is good for the soul.

And it is good for my sensory bucket as well. So just saying. Well, Larissa, this was great. And I love this really kind of concrete way of giving parents things that they can actually do. So those moments come when they're overwhelming and their body might be kind of just able literally to tolerate a little bit more of that sensory experience because they have figured out a way to empty something out.

So thank you. Thank you for your focus. Thank you for these strategies. Thank you for your ideas. This was fantastic. And look forward to hopefully connecting another time soon. Yes, absolutely. Thank you so much for having me.

Thanks to Airbnb. Remember, your home could be worth more than you think. Find out more at airbnb.com slash host. Thank you for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com slash podcast, or you could write me at podcast at goodinside.com. podcast, or you could write me at podcast at good inside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world, and you deserve resources and support so you feel empowered and confident for this very important job you hold. I'm so excited to share Good Inside membership. It's the first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like-valued parents.

It's game-changing and built for a busy parent who wants to make the most out of the few minutes they have. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julia Knapp, and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Erica Belsky, Mary Panico, Brooke Zant, and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside,

I remain good inside.