Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Revisit - Tantrums Trigger Me

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

This is a repeat of an earlier episode. Meltdowns.... they seem to always happen at the absolute wrong time or worse yet in the most public of ways. Whether it's too much sugar, not enough sleep, or just a phase doesn't really matter when we as parents are just trying to get from point A to point B. Dr. Becky talks to a father of two young girls who remembers the lessons of his childhood, a time when there were things to cry about and not getting exactly what you wanted was not one of them. So how can he do it differently and not feel so triggered by his daughter's behavior? Let's get into it. Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3QvpqWSFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastTo listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategyToday’s episode is brought to you by SEED: It feels important to speak to the very real things in life that parents are dealing with. Overall immunity is one of those things — we want our kids to feel good in their bodies no matter what… to feel physically Good Inside. And one way we can support this is with a daily prebiotic and probiotic. PDS-08 from Seed is a clinically studied 2-in-1 Pediatric Daily Synbiotic that supports digestion and helps kids with easy, frequent poops. It aids in filling the fiber gap for most kiddos and is formulated with strains that support immune health, which starts in the gut! And bonus for busy parents… the container has a built-in daily tracking system, so you never miss a day. To get 20% off plus free shipping on your first month’s supply, use code GOODINSIDE at Seed.comToday’s episode is brought to you by KiwiCo: Not much matters more than helping our kids develop confidence. Confidence comes from watching yourself work hard, tap into your creativity, and do things you may not always do. KiwiCo is like a conduit to confidence. Each month, kids gets a box delivered right to them with a hands-on project designed to spark creativity and engage problem solving… but kids don’t know this is what’s happening, they just see it as a form of play! The projects cater to all types of kids: kids who like science, sensory play, games, or geography. KiwiCo is a win for kid fun, and a win for long-term confidence. And now, you can get your first month free on ANY crate line at kiwico.com/drbecky.

I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Insight. I mean, I think there are times when perhaps during a meltdown where my daughter's emotions are really intense. And she's really feeling them all the way and perhaps we're like, as parents, trying to get from point A to point B or trying to get her to do something and it's just like we can't really do any of that because there's a lot of feelings and a lot of yelling and screaming and I think there are moments that those times where I'm kind of stuck. I don't know how to proceed. I do feel

like there's almost a certain level of like emotional outburst that is triggering to me. Meltdowns are hard and they often feel even harder to manage when they happen in public. In fact, I know public meltdowns are one of the most common triggers for us parents. Because I remember the line for my childhood of like, there being reasons why you should cry, and reasons why you shouldn't, I just struggle with how to approach those situations at times. We'll work on these tricky situations together, right after this.

Not much matters more than helping our kids develop confidence. And the way I see it, confidence comes from watching yourself work hard, tap into your creativity, and do things you might not always do. So if confidence is where we want our kids to get to, what is a tool to get them there? Well KiwiCo is a tool to develop confidence. Each month, my kid gets a box delivered right to them with a hands-on project designed to spark creativity and engage problem solving.

But my kids don't know this is what's happening. They just see it as a form of play. I've watched all my kids love their KiwiCo crates because the projects cater to all types of kids, kids who like science or sensory play or games or geography. I love that KiwiCo is a win for kid fun and a win for long-term confidence. And now you can get your first month free on any crate line at KiwiCo.com slash drbecky. That's your first month free on any line at k-i-w-i-c-o.com slash dr-b-e-c-k-y. Hey everyone, I have a quick ask. If you listen to this episode and if you like the show, please take a moment to rate and review it. I really do go, read, each and everyone, and your words mean so much to me.

Thanks so much. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist, I'm a mom of three, and I'm on a mission to rethink the way we raise our kids. Today we're talking about triggers and cycle breaking with a dad of two young daughters. Let's jump in. Hi, how are you? I am well. How are you? Oh, good. It's really nice to meet you. Thank you for jumping on here in the middle of your day.

Middle, you can probably hear a little bit of my background. There's a bunch of kids. That's okay. That speaks to a parents experience always surrounded in our hardest, deepest and thought moments with screaming children. Same with me. Tell me a little bit about you and kind of like the things that are on your mind right now. I am a first-generation American. Both of my parents immigrated here from the Dominican Republic. American, both of my parents immigrated here from the Dominican Republic. And I was the first born in my nuclear family. There was one older cousin older than me,

but we never really got along. So for all the intents and purposes, I felt like I was the oldest. And I was really connected to my younger sister and a lot of my younger cousins growing up. So I was always kind of looking after younger ones and my mother took care of children in the house as well. We grew up in a very kind of traditional household

in that sense where my mom was a homemaker and my dad was working. I went into education and was a teacher, a spare teacher for a number of years, about nine years and now transitioned this past year to being an inclusion coordinator. And I work with children of all abilities. Right now, specifically, also with children that have autism spectrum disorder. And I am a father of two. I have a three-year-old girl and a newborn who is approaching eight weeks. I feel like I've always worked with kids, but it has been a big difference, a big shift,

from being someone that has always worked with children to someone that now is a parent to two children. Well, thank you. Maybe we can start by like, let's go through a scenario by asking you to imagine you being the kid and how your parents would have reacted. Let's say it's, I don't know, it's a really, really hot day and your parents

start with you somewhere outside and I don't know, you see a store, maybe it's like a cart that has some type of icy treat, something cold and sweet and delicious and you ask to have it. And your parents say some version of no, we don't have time, you had something like that earlier. We don't have the money. Some version of no. And you melt down. You are just on the street. You are crying. You are screaming. You are so just expressive in your displeasure. Like, what? What happens next? Laughter? No. Well, what happens next? If'm the kid first of all there were certain behaviors that Were communicated to me when I was young were just unacceptable to do in public There's a word in Spanish called Marcariano

Marcariano directly translated means like essentially like raised wrongly and You know when you were misbehaving you could be labeled that and having a meltdown in public as far as I could I don't remember having one because as far as I can remember that was shut down very early on and the fact that I didn't have meltdowns and that I wasn't overly expressive with my feelings in that way or with my disappointment was praised. And it was criticized when it was, I had another cousin, in fact, the older cousin that I mentioned at the beginning of the conversation,

he was, and I'll use this word because that's what, that's how it was treated, he was notorious for having these meltdowns. For wanting a thing, hearing no, and then like essentially losing the function of his legs, he can no longer walk, he is on the ground, he is yelling, he is screaming. And then the mom would give in and get him the thing to avoid the meltdown. And then in my house, this was openly discussed by my parents as a failing of my aunt and, you know, something that was unacceptable in our household. Often a line and this is a classic, you know, you have no reason to be crying right now. And if you, you know, I can give you a reason to cry.

And so that was the case for me growing up. And if you, you know, I can give you a reason to cry. And so that was the case for me growing up. There's honestly so much I want to respond to in that. But I think it was one of the first things you said, like you were like, yeah, what would happen next? Well, a better question would be, would that ever have happened? And you're saying, yeah, that would have happened. Like I literally wouldn't have had that meltdown. By the time I am, I don't know, five years old Dr. Becky in

your situation, by the age of five, I had already learned really, really powerful attachment lessons in my family, where I knew that my emotional and therefore, like actual survival, was dependent on my really being hyper vigilant for the way I had to show up to other people, even at the expense of kind of experiencing my own emotions. Is that accurate? I just want to make sure I got it right. It's so important. Yeah.

And it's landing for me. I don't think I've put it in those words. And the way that you framed it is resonating with me for sure. It's always been important to me to speak about the very real things in real life that parents are really dealing with. And overall, immunity is just one of those things. We want our kids to feel good in their bodies no matter what, to feel physically good inside. And we all want fewer sick days, am I right? Well, one way we can support this is with a daily prebiotic and probiotic. PDS-08 from seed is a clinically studied two-in-one pediatric daily sinbiotic

that supports digestion and helps kids with easy frequent poops. It aids in filling the fiber gap for most kids, and it's formulated with strains that support immune health, which actually starts in the gut. And bonus for busy parents, the container has a built in daily tracking system, so you never miss a day. So easy. To get 20% off plus free shipping

on your first month's supply, use code goodinsideatseed.com. You know, something I always think about because I don't know, I often hear parents asking me questions in my head even though it's not actually happening live, but I hear a parent saying, oh, so you think it's like a good thing that kids are just having meltdowns when their parents says no to an icy, like is that what you want? And I always feel like there's so much between it never happening and it being something I welcome. Like no, when my kid has a meltdown

if they can't have something, it's not like I'm thinking, oh, my kid is feeling their feelings. Like just do this and loving it, you know, feel the feelings. Like no, but there's something really complex here that I think a lot of us didn't have explained to us as kids and still as adults now as the parents, it can still be kind of complex, But there's something really complex here that I think a lot of us didn't have explained to us as kids

and still as adults now as the parents, it can still be kind of complex, which is nobody loves when their kid has a meltdown. Number one, of course not. But the meltdown comes from a mismatch, right? Like there's a mismatch, a kid is feeling all the feelings and doesn't yet have any of the skills to manage those feelings, right?

It's just like this inconvenient situation, all the feelings, not enough of the skills. One of the things I really think about for my own kids is like, oh, the ultimate gift I wanna give them is when they're 18, 20 something, 40 something, that they can feel all of their feelings, and those feelings feel less scary because they know over the course of their feelings, and those feelings feel less scary

because they know over the course of their lives they've developed coping skills. That the problem is never the feelings. We blame the feelings, but the problem isn't the feelings. The problem is that kids just need our help, and they need time to develop emotion regulation skills. And in that gap, when they have all the feelings, to develop emotion regulation skills. And in that gap, when they have all the feelings and they don't yet have the skills,

there's just a lot of, you know, kind of unfortunate, exhausting moments. And it sounds like one of the things you're saying is that in your house, kids who expressed all these feelings who didn't have these skills, they weren't seen really as good kids who were having a hard time or good kids who are still learning these skills. They were seen as like bad kids, maybe even with bad parents.

Definitely. You know, I think growing up in our household, it was a point of pride that there was not a lot of conflict in our house. It didn't mean that there wasn't reason for conflict or that there people weren't being conflicted. But it was never really something that happened a lot in our house and there was something that we were proud of. And something kind of strange now that I'm a parent is that it takes so much effort.

You know, I feel like I'm doing the right thing by my kids. I feel like giving them the space to have their feelings has really paid off. I already, my three-year-old, is showing a level of emotional awareness that I probably didn't, probably already in therapy when I was learning that one. But she's already displaying that and that feels my heart, I feel so good about it.

But it does take a lot of effort. It takes a lot of internal resources in bandwidth to kind of work those things out with her and to give her that space. And also, especially in my family, we were a very tight-knit family. And so, I love my family. especially in my family, we were a very tight-knit family. And so, you know, I love my family, it's I love my family.

And so now, like, kind of doing things differently and even reflecting back on it. It's a strange feeling. It feels almost like I'm betraying my parents or my own or how I was raised by doing this thing differently. Whenever I take my daughter over to stay with my parents, I've had to like tell them these very nuanced things like,

hey, I want you guys to ask her if she wants a kiss, if she wants a hug, if she wants, you know, like I want to teach her consent from a very early age. And they're like, yeah, I'm all for it, but like not with us, right? Like we're grandparents, like, you know, and I've had to kind of, it's been so much work going back to your own parents and telling them like the way that you want to raise your kid is different from the way that they raised you and acknowledge like you did your best and I appreciate that, but also I want to do things differently than you did them with me. It's a very hard thing to reconcile. Yeah. Right, we're talking about being a cycle breaker. Like, what is it like for someone

to want to shift in some ways like the direction of intergenerational patterns? And it sounds like you're embodying something really important. Like, I can look back and say, I think my parents did the best they could with the resources they had available to them. And in a way, I'm actually doing the same thing. I'm doing the best I can with the resources they had available to them. And in a way, I'm actually doing the same thing. I'm doing the best I can with the resources I have available to me. Those things happen to be different on the surface. And then when we're together, it creates these conversations where someone is likely to feel defensive or someone is likely to feel criticized, especially when you're literally in your parents' house, you're

literally leaving your daughter with them, right? It kind of feels like it all comes to a head. For sure. It's all a full circle at that point. Like when I'm sitting there, watching my parents interact with my daughter, you know, I imagine my younger self in her shoes. And I also see like how well-intentioned it is. But like for instance, like when my daughter cries at my parents house, and I've seen this even at my partner's parents house, like they are allergic to hearing children cry. They, you know, it's like a visceral reaction. As soon as the kid cries, they want to figure out a way to get them to stop crying. And, you know, because they feel like it's, you know,

the kid is in pain or the kid is, you know, worried or they're sad or they're in a bad place, and they want to make them stop crying, and they have all these different ways of doing it. But ultimately, what I see it as is stifling her emotional outlet, like not letting her feel her feelings. And having to explain it to them, I feel like I'm kind of reaffirming it for myself.

It is really interesting. I think this intergenerational legacy that can get passed on where we're all uncomfortable with our emotions, because we see a kid cry, and we think we're responding to their crying, but we're actually responding to our body and the way our body has learned to react to our own vulnerability or sadness. So we

look to shut down the crying not actually for the kid. We do it like for our own comfort in that moment and it seems like you witnessed that and it also seems like you're kind of the first one in your family who's saying, hey, I see her crying too. And I'm uncomfortable. Maybe even at this point, I've worked through some of that discomfort.

Maybe I am more comfortable with that discomfort. So I don't have to shut it off right away in the horror because now I can tolerate it in myself. And as it seems you're doing that, that then really gives your daughter an opening to have that emotional awareness and kind of comfort with herself. That seems really important for you to instill from the start. Yeah, absolutely. It feels really important to teach it to her.

Inso doing this term, reparenting is an interesting one in teaching her how to do it, and how to have those feelings. I'm becoming more and more aware of when I invalidate my own feelings. And so I am kind of learning how to be compassionate towards myself. To learn that, like, for instance, I can say that I'm upset about something, even if I'm not looking for a solution to it, even if I, I guess I learned growing up that, like, unless you were going to do something about something or fix it, what's the purpose of, like, flying off the handle or having these really intense feelings? I'm getting in touch with that now, but it takes practice. And the other day, like my daughter, is so sensitive.

And that's another thing I imagine, because she's so already so sensitive to other people's perceptions or reactions to her. You know, she asks me, like she asks me already at three, she goes, dad, like are you upset with me? And she's already aware of that. And I imagine that when I was a kid, I was probably super, like as you said earlier,

hyper vigilant of how my actions affected other people and their perception of me. And I'm still working out the latent effects of that. And like how that's still to this day affects me. And how I interact with people around me at work, my friends, my family, so on and so forth. Oh, so many things strike me about this conversation, but I think the biggest thing is this idea that when we see something in our kid that kind of activates or triggers something from our past,

there's such a reparenting moment, right? That's and I always feel like my kids teach me way more than I will ever teach them that like this whole parenting thing is talked about as something where, oh, you're helping your kids grow. And like a little bit we're saying, yeah, that's true. But also also like there is this amazing opportunity to grow in all the ways that your body is probably always wanted. And now as an adult, it's still hard work, but we are able to start giving more of that to ourselves. And when we look at tricky dynamics with our kids

and that reframe, right, not from a, oh, why am I reacting like this? What's wrong with me? Or what's wrong with my kid? If we take away the idea that, you know, something is wrong with anyone, and we say, wait, maybe nothing's wrong with my kid, maybe also nothing's wrong with me.

Like, what information is here? What story from my past is coming alive? What need maybe have I always had that this moment with my child is actually just shedding light on. Like, ugh, it's not necessarily a smooth or linear path from there, but it is a worthwhile path. And like, really, it sounds like you are on that path. And it's like amazing to hear about and witness.

Oh, thank you. Thank you. All right, have a great afternoon. Bye. Bye. So I want to leave you all with three takeaways. One, remember that our triggers are stories from our past that kind of come alive in our present. It's okay to not know exactly what your triggers are telling you. Just start here after a trigger moment. Instead of chastising yourself, place your feet on the ground,

a hand on your heart, and tell yourself, there's something important here. I'll stay curious. I'll keep listening. 2. Remember this big idea. We aren't really responding to our kids' feelings or our kids' meltdowns or our kids' behaviors. We are actually responding to the feelings in our own bodies around what we see with our kids. This is a huge difference. Because then we realize that change doesn't come from our kid changing. Change comes from learning to regulate our own experiences. 3. Being a cycle breaker is tough. I mean, really, it's epic.

You are taking on the weight of all the generations before you, and you're saying, I know you did the best you could with the resources you had available. And I have other resources, and I have other resources, and I am doing things differently. This pattern stops with me. Give yourself credit for taking this on, and know that a Cycle Breakers Pat is never consistent or linear. You're doing a great job.

Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com-podcast. You could also write me at podcastatgoodinside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world. And parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered, confident, and connected. I'm so excited to share good inside membership. The first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like valued parents. It's totally game changing. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julianna and Kristen Mueller. I would also like to

thank Eric Kabelski, Mary Panico, Jill Cromwell-Wang, Ashley Valenzuela, and the rest of the good inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle, and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside. you