Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Revisit - When Only One Parent Will Do

Episode Date: April 2, 2024

Rejection is something we get a lot of practice in. And yet, rejection from our own kid isn't something as a parent that we're ready for. And it cuts deep. This week, Dr. Becky hears from a mom who feels she's doing something wrong when her kids prefer their father. Join Good Inside Membership: TKTKFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastTo listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategyToday’s episode is brought to you by Garanimals: Garanimals is the original mix-and-match clothing brand for babies and toddlers in sizes newborn to 5T. Each Kid Pack contains carefully curated tops and bottoms that easily mix and match. Pick any top and any bottom, and voila! Instant outfit. And with up to a month’s worth of outfits in just one box, Garanimals’s Kid Packs take care of a whole lot of outfit planning. You can find all their fun mix-and-match styles from their new spring collection in Walmart stores and on Walmart.com. Today’s episode is brought to you by Airbnb: When you travel with kids, you get really good at expecting the unexpected. But Dr. Becky's last family vacation? She didn’t expect it to feel, well, like a vacation. She found an Airbnb with all these really personal touches—games for the kids, fresh coffee for her, and a really comfortable couch that she could sprawl out on and watch Netflix after the kids went to bed. The place reminded her a lot of home, and it made her realize that her place could also make the perfect Airbnb—and so could yours. We’ve put so much work into creating a loving, beautiful home for our families, whether it’s the kid’s playroom, a cozy reading corner, or even our favorite coffeemaker, and those same personal touches could also create the perfect getaway for another family. Plus, it’s an easy way to make some extra income for your next family trip. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com/host.

Rejection is something we get a lot of practice in. From the other kids on the playground, to soccer team tryouts, to the college we so desperately wanted to go to. But rejection as a parent from your own child? That's something we're often not ready for. I think at least I can imagine as they grow up you're not always that one. You know, they're going to want their older sibling or they're going to want a teacher or they're going to want their boyfriend to be that source of comfort. But I think when they're very young and it's going to be a parent, it does just feel embarrassing

when it's not you. Rejection from your kid cuts deep. Maybe they insist that only your partner is the one who knows how to tuck them in at night. Or that you always cut their vegetables the wrong way. So how do you cope when your kid is upset because they absolutely do not want you? I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside. We'll be right back. Parents might have 99 problems, but getting our kids dressed in the morning

shouldn't be one of them. Enter Geranimals. Geranimals, the original mix and match clothing brand for babies and toddlers, has been making mornings easier since 1972. With colorful and playful styles designed to always go together, Geranimals boosts your kids' self-confidence by giving them the power to decide what to wear. And when mornings become a race against the clock, Geranimals kid packs take the guesswork out of getting dressed.

Every Kid Pack contains carefully curated tops and bottoms that easily mix and match. Pick any top, any bottom, and voila! An instant outfit. And with up to a month's worth of outfits in just one box, Geranimals Kid Packs take care of a whole lot of outfit planning. One less thing on the to-do list. We'll take it. Check out Geranimals Kid Packs on Walmart.com or follow Geranimals on Instagram for a peek into their latest spring collection available in sizes newborn to 5T. Say goodbye to wardrobe battles and hello to hassle- Mornings with Geranimals.

I was going to say, you know, don't make me feel like a terrible mom by the end of it. But that's what I like to do that. We might have to end this. I listened to it enough to know that's a spiraling worry. You know, but that's actually think, the perfect place to start. And maybe we're kind of getting to the ending before I let you tell your whole story. So we'll do this the weird way. We're going to get to the ending, then I'm going to come back and ask you for details. But so many times when something is hard with our kids, our interpretation or maybe our

fear is, I'm a bad parent or I'm not managing this well and that's why this thing is happening. So hearing you say to me like, oh, just please just don't make me feel like I messed it all up or like I'm a bad parent, I think is also probably insightful for whatever's going on with your kids in terms of our tendency to interpret going on with your kids in terms of our tendency to interpret hard moments through the lens of does this mean I'm a bad parent or does this mean I'm doing it all wrong? Does that kind of parallel process make sense? Yeah, very, very much so. I did not think I would be in this position as a parent of having... So should I give you the quick summary? Is that helpful?

Yeah, tell it. Now we'll actually start in the beginning instead of the middle to end. So tell me your name, tell me what's on your mind, tell me where you're zooming in from, and then we'll jump in. Okay, cool. My name's Kusum.

I'm calling from San Francisco. I have a couple of kids who are five and two. Ani the girl is five and Kianna's two, and had a question about kid preferences and then very much preferring their dad to their mom. So give me an example, tell me like the image in your mind or a situation where this kind of parental preference

and I wanna say because I think it's real where it can feel to a mom like the preference for a dad feels like extra injurious or just feels like a different version of parental preference than when mom is preferred all the time. I think there's a lot of expectations and sociological dynamics there. So that's what's on your mind, your kids kind of calling out for dad. Yeah, you know, unfortunately it happens a lot. One could just be going to school like yesterday morning, he and my son first didn't want to go to school and then insisted that

his dad takes him or he said, I want daddy to take me to school. And it can happen a lot at booktime before bed. I think it hurts the most when one of them is sad. You do think that's your job. Like, okay, what makes him or why? Why is he more nurturing and better taking care of you when something's wrong than I am? So tell me just right now like like what's coming up for you? I think honestly, it makes me sad. It makes me think I'm not doing my job as a mom the way I could or the way I should. And for some reason, whether it's this temperament or just the way he is, they look at him as

more protective and nurturing and caring and just sort of the go-to when they're having a tough time. And it's tricky because it shouldn't be about you in those moments. Like, it should very much be about giving them what they need. And I try to remember that, but it's still tricky. It's hard to remember anything when something feels like a dagger to your heart, you know? So the first thing, I don't know why, but I do feel compelled to say to you, I mean, I mean this, is I like you so much. I just want to say that right away. And I appreciate

you being so honest and brave and vulnerable. And I can tell in a second how thoughtful you are and how much you know you care about your kids. So second, what you're describing both in terms of your kids asking for their dad in these moments and your reaction, I just want to tell you is like completely normal. You are not alone. These are moments that a lot of parents don't speak about because I think for a mom, there's something about it that feels like embarrassing. Yeah, definitely. It happened in front of my parents once

and I was so embarrassed. So let's get to that moment. So your parents are visiting and one of your kids is like, no, I want daddy to do bathroom. Or what was it? Yeah, so we were actually in Dubai. We were visiting them. And so, you know, jet lag and whatnot,

and Kian needed. He gets really cranky when he's tired, and he was super cranky, and I tried to make him feel better and put him to bed, and it was just like very explicit, unequivocal, I want my dad. To the degree that my mom was like, you really want Sathya, like let him have his dad. Yeah.

And so let's get back there. And I want you to translate what your son's saying. I want dad. What does it feel like he's saying to you? And don't worry, you're gonna have a thought. You're gonna be like, this sounds crazy. I know he's not saying that, I know. But forget those thoughts.

Just like, let's go there. What does it feel like he's saying to you? Or what does it feel like the world is saying to you in that moment? He's saying, dad does a better job taking care of me than you do. I'm pausing on that just because that's, I mean, this is so important and so powerful.

And I think this, it's so generalizable when we get triggered into this spiral in a moment with our kid, that question is always useful. Like, what does it feel like my kid's saying? I know my kid's having a tantrum in public. It feels like they're saying, you didn't do a good job raising me, or the world is saying that,

or my kid saying, I want dad. And it feels like they're saying, dad does a better job taking care of me. Or maybe even dad does a better job taking care of me when I'm vulnerable and upset than you do. then you do. To that very question in my head is like, is that true? I think, well, he packed that stuff for a plane trip, that should have been my job.

I'm very high energy, which can be good, but he's very soothing and patient. It's very much analyzing, is that true? And even if it is, like, again, as you said, I think it feels worse because you really do think that should be you. I should always be the one who can provide the best comfort to my kids

when they're in need of comfort. Not quite. Let's go then. I... Rephrase it for me. I like being wrong, so... I think at least I can imagine as they grow up, you're not always that one. You know, they're going to want their older sibling

or they're going to want a teacher or they're going to want their boyfriend to be that source of comfort. But I think when they're very young and it's going to be apparent, it does just feel embarrassing when it's not you. It feels like it's an indictment on your maternal instinct, on your motherliness. Yeah, I just, I wonder personally, like he's a he's a very selfless individual. And I think it makes me feel more selfish and less competent that he is the go-to. And then what happens next?

There's this dynamic where our kids act in a certain way, they say something. We kind of translate it immediately to mean something much grander, right? Or it's like a barometer of our parenting or it's this indictment on our parenting. And then what happens in the moment is we respond in the moment based on our translation to try to like prove something to ourselves, which usually gets in our way of showing up to the other person and based on what actually is going on for them because we're kind of like playing out two different plays on the same stage. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah. Tell me about, when do you feel connected to your kids? Reading to them, playing with them.

I think last night we were in Anya's bed, Keon was sitting next to me, Anya was between my legs. They wanted to sing the whole book. It was great. I think you just feel some relief. Okay, it's not as black and white. There are times when maybe you're not perfect, but at least they don't not want you.

I'm going to ask us to think, essentially just about not as much about them wanting you or not, is just what we were saying before. This was a time I felt really connected with my kids. Yeah, that felt great. I was present, they were there, and that was it. And then the moments when there's the, I want daddy, I want daddy, no mommy.

Like I feel less connected with them in those moments. And feeling less connected with them in those moments then starts a spiral. It's like, oh, am I ever connected with them in those moments. And feeling less connected with them in those moments then starts to spiral. It's like, oh, am I ever connected with them? Oh, do they ever want to come for me to, you know, for comfort? Oh, am I doing something wrong? Do I need to be a different type of parent? One, you know, like part of me would love to tell you, like, we're going to talk about things today.

And then next time your kid does that, like it's gonna feel totally differently and you're not gonna be bothered by it. And then three weeks later, actually your kids are gonna start saying, I want mommy. That'd be great. That'd be perfect. Thank you. Yeah, but I don't have that playbook.

So I'm just gonna just tell you that. So you're on the wrong podcast. But what I do think is a really powerful starting point is to start with, this doesn't feel good to me right now, I feel rejected, and start to be able to watch how I feel rejected, or this doesn't feel good to me right now, or I don't feel connected to my kid in this moment.

Start to watch how that kind of beginning seems to then almost spiral into these really grand kind of in totality, you know, kind of truths about the type of parent you are. And to try to just like separate that and almost start to watch it like, okay, wait, what am I supposed to say to myself, right? I feel rejected right now. I feel rejected right now.

I feel rejected right now. And one of the things actually in our brief conversation that I've noticed is when you talk about your feelings, you tend to use the word you and not I, I don't know if you know that. You feel this way or you know you, which and as we're talking about feelings in your body, there's, it's almost like this outside your bodiness, right?

So I'm going to ask you actually, let's just do a little exercise now. Say I feel rejected by my kid. I feel rejected by my kid. This is a bad feeling inside my body. This is a bad feeling inside my body. I don't feel so connected to my kid right now. I don't feel very connected to my kid right now. I don't feel very connected to my kid right now. Tell me what's that like? I think I preferred using you because it did feel more

external. It does feel, it feels like the ultimate rejection. It feels like the ultimate rejection. So let's do a little exercise. When today do you think your son will reject you? He'll come home after his swim lesson and he'll run to my husband. Great. Okay, you can picture it? Yeah. Picture it. And almost like really try, I know this seems almost like,

why would I do this to myself? But picture it to the point that you're like, oh, I now actually feel upset. Like you actually want to generate a little bit of a response because that's how we can start to change how we actually intervene or what happens in the moment by almost like preloading a different way of responding.

So when the moment actually happens, we're like a little bit got ahead of things and already started that circuit. So you're seeing that. Yeah. And I want you to say to yourself, whichever one feels most natural, what we just said, either, I feel rejected right now,

or this feels hard for me, even simpler. Yeah, I feel rejected right now. I feel rejected right now. Like that's a really hard feeling. Yeah. Okay. And I want you to do this with your hands, put your hands out, right, like me. Okay, and look at one of your hands. And I really want you to look this with your hands, put your hands out, right, like me. Okay, and look at one of your hands.

And I really want you to look at that hand and be like, in this moment, I feel rejected. In this moment, I feel rejected. Okay, now I want you to look at your other hand. And be like, and that doesn't mean anything about the type of parent I am. And that doesn't mean anything about the type of parent I am. And that doesn't mean anything about the type of parent I am. You don't have to believe it yet.

We're just practicing things. Because actually one of the reasons I want you to practice using the word I is because as long as a feeling you have doesn't live as an experience in your own body, it's really hard to tolerate the feeling. So then one of the things a feeling can do is just it makes up like a really big story because we're not talking like, yeah, I feel rejected.

That sucks. Like that sucks. Like nobody liked being like, oh, I'm here for my kid after swim and they're like, daddy. And you're like, am I invisible? Like that sucks. Nobody likes that. But actually step one, it sounds so silly

but it's also obvious, Step one to managing that feeling and stopping the feeling from converting into like a really big story about the type of human being you are is actually like owning. This is a feeling I am having, not one has, not you have. This is a feeling I am having in my body. It's living in my body. Maybe I don't know where, it doesn't matter.

I'll have to be hard on myself about that. But this is a feeling I'm having, it's a feeling. It's not a truth, it's not a story. It is a feeling. And the more comfortable we get naming feelings as our own, the irony is the less they have to turn themselves into really big stories to try to get the attention they're looking for. I feel like your rejection, sad feelings, is just like, can you just like, can you just notice me?

I swear I'll stop creating this whole spiral if you just like say, hi, you're right, this does suck. Does that make any sense? No, it does make sense. I, this is where I usually get stuck, is like, okay, I recognize it. Still feel shitty. Great. Not helping yet. okay, I recognize it. Yep. Still feel shitty. Great.

Not helping yet. Love it. It doesn't help if we think the goal is to get back to baseline or to get to happy or to get to satisfied and okay with something. I think it's like this really weird message we've all gotten through the years. Like, I don't know why that would be the goal. I don't know why I'm thinking about this. But I think about someone I used to see a long time ago came to me after saying like, I really need to stop using all the different types of drugs I use.

And whenever something feels bad, like there's some, you know, drug I use to like numb it out. I just want to be clear with you. If you think therapy is going to help you the way heroin help you, like I just want to tell you, you're going to be sorely disappointed. Not only won't things work as quickly, like coping and talking to yourself and taking

deep breaths does not do it to your body, what heroin does to your body. And not only does it not do that as quickly, you'll never get back to zero. That's not what life is. That's not what living is. So I just want to be clear. It's like I'm paying money to learn how to cope with feelings so I can still have the feelings. And I was like, yeah, yeah, you are. When you travel with kids,

you get really good at expecting the unexpected. But my last family vacation, I didn't expect it to feel, well, like an actual vacation. We found an Airbnb with all of these really personal touches. Games for my kids, fresh coffee for me, and a really comfortable couch that I could sprawl out on and watch Netflix after my kids went to bed. The place reminded me a lot of home, and it made me realize that my place could also make the perfect Airbnb and so could yours. We've all put so much work

into creating a loving beautiful home for our families. Whether it's our kids playroom, a cozy reading corner, or even our favorite coffee maker and those same personal touches could also create the perfect getaway for another family. Plus, it's an easy way to make some extra income for your next family trip. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com slash host. Hey there. I want to tell you about a podcast I think you're going to love.

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on the Odyssey app and everywhere you get your podcasts. So my favorite coping mechanism, okay, and I know it's still going to be a little bit of like, okay, Dr. Becky, and then what? Like fancy coping mechanism doesn't do shit for me, you know? So is something I call AVP, and I want to go over it. Acknowledge, validate, permit. And then there's a little bit of an asterisk after, where after that you say the same line to yourself and it all makes sense after I go through it.

I can cope with this. A is acknowledge, V is validate, P is permit. A is acknowledge is just naming what's happening for you. And that doesn't have to be fancy. A lot of people think naming a feeling is like, is this anger? Is this shame? Those words actually don't mean anything. It could be, I'm noticing I'm having a racing heart.

Or it just could be, I notice I don't like this feeling. I notice I'm uncomfortable. I'm acknowledging I feel rejected. So your son rejects you after swim, and you're like, I'm gonna do this stupid thing Dr. Becky told me to do, even though again, it's like not going to work, but fine. I'll try one time. And you're going to say to yourself, what version of that do do an A for me? How would you acknowledge what's happening in your own language?

Yeah. Um, my heart is racing. My palms are getting sweaty. I hate that. Keon wants my husband. Great. A plus student. Crushed it.

OK. Now is the V. V is validate. To me, the best way to operationalize validating a feeling is telling yourself the story of why the feeling makes sense. And that phrase makes sense. I swear there's something about it that our body just loves hearing.

So an example might be, well, my kid did want my partner instead of me, and I know that is a vulnerability for me and nobody likes that feeling. So it makes sense that my heart would be racing and my palms would be sweaty. It makes sense to feel this way. Give me your version of that.

Okay, it makes sense that I feel sad. Perfect. It makes sense I feel sad. It makes sense I'm worked up. It makes sense I'm distressed. Any of that makes sense. So we've acknowledged it. We've named something. And for anyone listening who's like,

I don't like naming my feelings, it really could just be I'm uncomfortable. Any of that makes sense. So we've acknowledged it, we've named something. And for anyone listening who's like, I don't like naming my feelings, it really could just be, I'm uncomfortable. Er, I am upset and I don't know why. That's still naming it. And then make sense could be, well, there's a lot of different things going on in my life. I do a lot.

So it makes sense that I'm upset, even if I don't know why. Like just tell yourself the story of why it makes sense. Then is the P permit. And it really is almost the same line every time. Even though now, and I want you to to push back, this is where people are like, oh, like, what does that do? Okay. It's just saying, I give myself permission to feel this way. Or I give myself permission to feel exactly how I feel. I give myself permission to feel sad right now.

Great. So I'm just going to go sad right now. Great. So I'm just going to go over that again. My heart is racing, my palms are sweaty as my son runs to their dad once again. Well, I know feeling rejected is like a pretty bad feeling, so it makes sense I'd be feeling that way. I give myself permission to be feeling sad right now. Do you remember the last line I said? The I give myself permission to be feeling sad right now. Do you remember the last line I said?

The, I give myself permission? Yep, and then I want you to add, and I can cope with this. Okay, and I can cope with this. And going through this exercise, what you're really doing inside your body is instead of allowing a feeling to run away with itself, as soon as you name it,

this is actually really powerful, as soon as you name a feeling in your body, you are in a relationship with that feeling. There's you and there's the feeling. There's two things. When you don't name a feeling and a feeling gets big, it's like a toddler who doesn't get over attention, they literally take over your whole body.

They really, really do. They get louder and louder and louder, and then you actually can't differentiate you from the feeling. The feeling like my image is like they took over the CEO seat in the boardroom and now they're like the CEO of your body. So naming it actually gives you separation and makes it a part of you and not all of you.

Tell me where you are. Okay. So I was thinking about what you said, and I agree with you, but I think, I'm not sure if this is rational or not, I still have this thought to some degree or a rise where I'm just like, yeah, but what if I'm not doing enough? Like honestly, I think if somebody said my was shitty sister, I'd have all of that. And I'd be like, eh, I'm actually kind of a good sister. So I don't, I think I could get myself out of it.

Here's what I love about the question. Here's what is useful. Number one, I would just tell yourself, being in a shame, embarrassment, self-critical spiral is never the place I could make any productive decisions from. Like never. Like that's not a place we make productive decisions from. So that's first., that's not a place we make productive decisions from. So that's first. We have to talk to ourselves. We recognize our feelings. Like, that's not a place that has some truth to be like, and so I need to change every way that I parent. Like, you got to get grounded first a little bit. But then, I, I, there's a part of your question I want to shift because I think it's so powerful. But it's different, right?

I want you to hear the difference between, see, like I'm not doing enough as a parent and I don't do anything and I'm the worst, right? Versus, okay, I'm allowed to feel sad. In this moment, I feel rejected. Even saying in this moment, it feels like a referendum on my parenting. I'm trying to separate the two, how I am as a parent from how I'm feeling. Okay, okay. And when we notice ourselves a parent, from how I'm feeling, okay, okay. And when we notice ourselves a little more grounded,

I think we can then ask ourselves a very powerful question. Do I wanna show up differently to my kids? Do I want more of those connected moments? Is the only way a connected moment counts for me when my kid is upset and screaming for a parent? Do I have to wait for those to feel better? Is there any more that I can generate? Not to prove to myself I'm a good parent, but actually just because I want to do more. Do I want to put my phone away more?

Do I want to do more reading because that actually just feels really good with my kid? But that life questioning I think is totally different Than what I actually think is a very unproductive, just spiraling tornado form of questioning, which is, see, am I a horrible parent? Do I actually need to do more? I don't even think it's a question. I think we're just saying to ourselves, I'm a bad person in the form of asking ourselves a question. That's very fair. That second question or that first question about, do I want to show up differently? You always want to be doing better though.

Like how do you answer that question? Well, I'm going to turn it back on you. Remember we're turning your U's into I's. That's a big, that's a project. Maybe give yourself a little like clue and how like don't be so grand, start small. Do I want to show up differently today? I think that's it.

I think it's the quick wins, right? Like I can start getting the kids ready for school five minutes earlier. So I'm not, I'm not a shitty mom when it comes to getting them into the car. Like that feels like an easy one. So I'm gonna change that for you because it's interesting how your moments,

it's interesting you get so global. I don't know if you notice that too. I wanna start getting them out earlier so I'm not such a shitty mom. Like the moment of those five minutes like has something to do with the type of parent you are. I'm just gonna give you a different reframe. I would like to show up as a calmer,

kind of less rushed, more present version of myself. And one of the things I know is if I get ready 10 minutes earlier, that would be easier for me to do. And I would just feel better about the way I show up that day. So more days this week, I'm going to set my alarm earlier. And I know that would just help me live more in line with my own values. And that's gonna be something I feel like I end up feeling proud of. Oh, my kids will probably benefit too,

but I will just feel better about that. Do you hear the difference? I'm gonna show up 10 minutes earlier, so I'm not a shitty parent. And that's something I would tell your kids. I would say, you know what I'm thinking about? Sometimes in the morning, I'm a little rushed. And I don't know if this is true.

I'm gonna speak as if this is my own. I'd say, you know what? And then like I'm rushed and then maybe I'm thinking about? Sometimes in the morning I'm a little rushed. And I don't know if this is true. I'm gonna speak as if this is my own. I'd say, you know what? And then like I'm rushed and then maybe I'm on my phone. I'm checking an email. I don't really have to check. And you know what I realized? I need to give myself more time because I wanna show up in a calmer,

sturdier way for both of us. And so tomorrow is gonna be different. I'm gonna even keep my phone in my bathroom. I'm not even gonna bring it out. Nothing's that important. keep my phone in my bathroom. I'm not even going to bring it out. Nothing's that important. It's seven in the morning. I can't wait till 730. And I'm really looking forward to it.

I think you're going to notice a difference. Honestly, I'm just telling you I think I'm going to notice a difference. I think I'm pretty proud of myself. And that's going to start tomorrow. And whenever we do things as parents that are wins for us and help us show up in a way that's actually more in line with the way we want to show up. Yes, our kids benefit not because we became a better parent, but because we actually just accessed and brought out like the sturdier version of ourselves.

That's good. I like that. You know, before we met, when I was thinking about this conversation, I'd all these notes of like, I'm going to talk about this and this. I talked about none of them. None of them, which is always what happens. And I actually think for anyone else listening to this, I think so often when we have these like triggered moments with our kids, in which case I would say a moment with them brings

up a really global big story about the type of person we are, that's usually a sign, whoa, something else is going on, right? We often think, what should I do? What should I do in that moment? What do I do? What do I do? Well, the moment is about the story, not about our kid's behavior. So actually reflecting on like what we need, what that story is, how we translate things, what may be going on for us, what coping skills we need, I promise is so much more important and is going to be so much more effective than trying to memorize the thing to say to your kid, which won't come to you because you're going to be triggered and overwhelmed anyway. But I feel like we did a lot of that. And I also am just

very practical. So I just want to also share two things that I would have in your kind of back pocket in these like, I don't want you, I want daddy moments. Right? To me, when I've been there, too, I either go straight empathy, or I kind of go straight humor. And empathy is just like, you really wish it was daddy right now, or you really want daddy right now. Kind of imagine that like I'm a character in that moment, that they're not really like insulting my motherhood

and I'm just reflecting back what they want. It happens to be daddy, but like I put myself a little outside so it doesn't seem like an assault on me. And I imagine them being like, I really want chocolate ice cream instead of vanilla ice cream. And I'd be like, oh, you really wish you had chocolate.

Like, I'm just like, it wouldn't be such a personal relationship assault. So I just go straight up. Now, again, I think you practicing this kind of AVP, acknowledge, validate, permit, that is necessary for you to even be in the grounded spot to be able to use a strategy with your kids. So that's the order of operations.

But straight empathy matters. Because also when you say to your kid, you really wish it was daddy right now, you're actually saying to them, I see you. And you're also saying like, I'm not scared of that. Like, I'm not avoiding that. And that feels really good to a kid. And the other thing I can do is straight humor. Right? This is great for like, I don't want you to do bath. Daddy has to do bath. And I'd pick up my kid

or something. I'd be like, it's true. I don't even know where a bath is. Because this is the bath, right? And I'm like to go to the toilet and I'm just gonna put you in there. And what is it? It's like you put soap and then you flush, flush, and then soap, flush, flush. That's like, and like inevitably your kid laughs and laughter always brings on a connection.

It like changes the story or it's true. I don't even know how to read. Like I'm gonna read you a book. It is, it's just funny. And again, it's like I'm not scared of it. It's playful, not dismissive. I'm not making fun of my kid. I'm actually just entering into play around the rejection, or I'm empathizing with my child's underlying

desire. Those two are my personal go tos. But I think those two things will only be useful after kind of thinking a little bit more about some of the other stuff we talked about. I like it. Did I make you feel like a bad parent? I feel like shit. No, I feel good. That was great. Thank you. I'll let you know how it goes. All right. So nice to talk with you.

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