Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Talking With Your Kids About Private Parts, How Babies Are Made, and More...

Episode Date: June 8, 2021

There's no "appropriate age" to start talking about sensitive topics, like sex or private parts, with kids. When a child asks a question, it means they're ready for a (developmentally appropriate) answer. Of course, while many of us want to talk openly with our kids, few of us had honest conversations about these topics when we were younger. It's normal to feel stuck or awkward! In this episode, Dr. Becky walks through multiple scripts for affirming your child's natural curiosity about bodies, babies, and more without any shame, so they feel safe coming to you with all sorts of questions as they get older. Remember this: It's not our honesty, but our avoidance, that makes kids uncomfortable about their bodies. Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3cqgG2A Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Order Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books. For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast

You're listening to Good Inside with Dr. Becky. I have so many ideas, strategies, and scripts to share with you right after a word from our sponsor. Hey, Sabrina. Hey. So, I've been thinking about toys recently. I don't want the toy to do that much of the work. I want the toy to inspire my kid to do the work

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I just don't know if there's any other brand I feel so good about naming the way that their toys actually inspire, creativity and open-ended screen-free child-led play. It's just unmatched. And like what's honestly so exciting is to be able to offer everyone listening to this podcast, 20% off. Visit molissaandoug.com and use code Drbecky20DRBECKY20 for 20% off your order. Molissa and Doug, timeless toys, endless possibilities. Hi, I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three

on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on the outside we remain good inside. Hi everyone this is a good one. In this episode, we are going to be talking all about bodies, private parts, when kids touch themselves, and how babies are made.

We are going to be talking about the topics that I think so many of us want to talk about openly. And directly with our kids, we know how it didn't feel good to have these topics totally avoided in our own childhoods. And yet, these are topics where we get stuck, where we have the best intentions, where we know where we want to go. And it's hard to get on the pathway there. And so this is where I'm gonna come in. I'm going to provide so many scripts for you to use,

so you feel empowered to talk to your kids about all of these really important topics. A few thoughts as we begin. Number one, there is no right age, or there's no appropriate age to start talking to your kids about private parts or how babies are made. Kids are often ready for truthful information way before we think. Like in so many other areas, it's not our honesty, but actually our avoidance that makes kids feel uncomfortable. I think it's really empowering actually to start by asking yourself,

what is talking about private parts, or sex, or touching oneself? What does it bring up for me? How are these topics handled in my own family? What about these topics leave me feeling uncomfortable? Next, in my mind, we have an amazing opportunity to talk with our kids about these topics rather than them learning about these topics from peers or from the internet.

We want our kids to first learn about their bodies, about private parts, about how babies are made from us in the context of a safe, loving relationship. And as our kids ask us questions, or as they express curiosity, we have a natural way to do that. Last, feel free to be honest with your kids about your discomfort. This will actually neutralize your anxiety a bit, because now instead of having to hide it from your kids, you can put it out there, but control the story about it so that our kids understand this is artist comfort and not

something they caused by asking an inappropriate question. So when you're talking about any of these topics with your kids, when you're talking about how babies are made or about private parts, you can say something like this. Hey, something you should know, is that no one ever really talked to me about this? When I was a kid, no one in my long family history has ever done this before. So if I pause, if I take a moment to think about something, it's not because you did anything wrong, it's just new for me to talk about this. I'm so glad we can talk about these types of things.

With those ideas in mind, let's jump in and hear from our first caller Sarah. Hi Dr. Becky, my name is Sarah and my son is almost five. We live in San Monica California and I'm so excited for your podcast thanks for doing this. My question is about body safety. We've read the super duper safety books and he knows the anatomically correct names of his private parts. He knows that they're private. But given his age, I get a lot of follow-up questions. Like, why are they private?

What would happen if I pull down my pants and show people my penis? And I'm just wondering how I can answer those follow-up questions. I would love a script because I get a little tongue tied and uncertain and I don't want to scare him and also I don't want to put any body shane in him. So that's my question and thank you so much. Hi Sarah. Thank you so much for calling in with this. These are really really great

questions. So I have a couple ideas. First, I want to emphasize something you're doing already, which is using anatomically correct names for our kids body parts. And I'm going to say them, I'm going to say them out loud, to demystify them. Penis, vagina, or penis, vulva, right? Why do we use the real words? Why is this so important? Well when we use different words, when we use words that don't actually describe the real body part, we create some confusion for our kids and we teach our kids that we are uncomfortable

with this body part, and they absorb that discomfort into their own bodies, right? If we were going over different body parts and I got to, let's say, my elbow, and after naming my arm, maybe after naming my neck, and after naming my stomach, I said, oh, and this is, oh, well, it's the, it's the LB, right.

My child will look at me thinking, oh, there's something different about that body part. Mom doesn't feel so comfortable with that body part. Just because of the way I'm handling that body part so differently than any other, we have this amazing opportunity when our kids are young. We can talk about body parts in a way that minimizes any embarrassment or shame just by using the correct words. So I think it's awesome you're doing that with your kids

and wanted to really highlight that. Now your next question is also a great one. What about the follow up? Okay, I name penis. I said vulva. I feel like I'm crushing it as a parent. Now my kid gets really interesting and says something like, oh, what would happen if I pull down my pants and showed everyone my penis? So a couple of things I want to go over here. Number one, exactly what we say back to our kids is actually less important than establishing with our kids that we can talk about bodies and we can talk about the things that so many of us never talked about with our

parents. Our kids when they're young are going to remember less about the concrete things we said to them and they're gonna remember much more about is my parent someone I can go to to talk about tricky important topics. And so responding to your child, I would say we need to focus less on the exact script, although I will give you some words, and more on conveying that we appreciate that our child came to us with

this important question and that we are someone in their lives who can discuss things about body, things about babies, things about gender, all of these really, really important topics. So I think we established that by first saying this back, great question. Mom, what would happen if I pulled my pants down and people saw my penis? Right? I would say, ah, that is such a great question. You know what that lets me know? It lets me know you're really thinking about your body and what's allowed and what's not. And it makes me think about how important it is that you know that I'm someone you could always talk to when you're thinking about those things.

I'm establishing kind of safety with my child about these topics. That is what is going to be encoded into my child's body more than the specific answer. Now what about the specific answer? Let's say to that question, right, because I'm a pragmatist too, and my child might say, okay, but what would happen? What would happen?

I think number one, we can reflect back a question, not because we're avoiding the answer, but actually just to assess what part of the question is actually on our child's mind, right? We might say back to a child, what do you think would happen? That's such a great question. What do you think would happen? Just to get a little bit more information. Now if our child keeps pressing, I would walk through an honest answer. Oh, well, let's see. You're five. If you pull down your pants outside, and I was with you, I would say, sweetie, we have to keep our pants on when we're outside.

And if you had trouble doing that, I'd pull them back on for you. That's what would happen, right? And I would watch where your child goes. Our child's questions and follow-up questions are the best barometer for what our kid wants to hear more about. Now your other question is a great one too. Mom, why are these body parts private? Again, I would say back, that's such a great question.

I might even say something like this. I want to think more about that and get back to you. Great questions, kind of deserve great answers. And I want to make sure to give that to you. It kind of buys you some time, so you can think through. You know, to be honest, Sarah, I'm thinking about this. Why are our body parts private?

I don't know if I have a great answer to that, to be honest, and I would probably be really direct about that with my kids because I do try to be honest. Mom, why do we have to keep them private? I might even say such a good question. I have to be totally honest at this, sweetie. I don't know the exact answer to that. Those are special parts of our body, those are super important parts of our body, those are sensitive parts of our body, and I think having them private has

something to do with really protecting them. I'm going to keep thinking about that, maybe learning a little bit more about that myself, and I'll get back to you. When we say we're going to get back to our kids, it's really important to actually do it, even if they don't press us again. Because when we leave something open-ended and don't come back, again our child ends up feeling like there was something wrong with the question or that they shouldn't go to us with such questions,

which as our kids get older, can lead to more secrecy or withholding. So go back to your child, even if it's to say, I didn't learn much more about that, but again, I'm so glad you're coming to me with these really, really important questions. Our next caller is Jake from Pennsylvania with a question about his son. Hey, Dr. Becky, my name is Jake. I'm from Pennsylvania and I have two little boys, five and three. This is so awkward, but my five-year-old constantly plays with his penis.

Like, even when we're out in public. My wife and I are so beyond frustrated, we've literally tried everything we can think of to get him to stop. We know it's not the best approach, but driving him a food seems to work well, so at least see us something else in his hands. But we really just don't know what else to do. I guess my question is, is my son's behavior normal? Is it like a phase? Any advice on how we should handle it or what we should say to him? Thank you so much. Hi Jake, I really am connecting to this because I have had so many parents in my practice say this exact thing.

My son is always holding his penis wherever he is. He's holding his penis. What is going on with that? I don't understand. He seems so young to be doing that. I get awkward. I'm not sure what I should say. Is this a bad thing?

Is this a good thing? Do I encourage it? What do I do? So I'm so, so glad you called in with this. Number one, this is normal. This is normal. Now if you're listening, thinking, my son doesn't hold his penis, that's normal too.

Okay, that they're both normal. And I always think better than the question, is this normal? Is the question, what's going on for my child? And what does my child need? All right, so what's going on for my child? And what does my child need? So what's going on for my child? Okay, well, our kids are trying to figure out what feels good to them. In general, right? They're trying to figure out

what foods taste good. They're trying to figure out if they like sports. They're trying to figure out if certain shirts, you know, they like how that feels in their body. They're trying to figure out what feels good and what gives them comfort, right? Across the board, this is true. I want to differentiate between the words sensual and sexual. I think a lot of us, when we see our kids touch their private parts,

we react with kind of a sexual connotation, versus looking at this from a sensual perspective. What's sensual being in touch with our body? We want our kids to know what feels good in their body across the board. This is what they're trying to figure out in many different areas of their childhoods. And knowing for your son, oh, it feels good to hold my penis.

There's nothing wrong with that. That's a part of his body that he can have a relationship with. And then going from what feels good to where can I do things that feel good, that's something tricky that just takes some time to manage. So I think this is one of those areas where scripts are super helpful because we want to empower our kids. We want to avoid shaming them.

And yet I think we get stuck with the words in terms of, well, how do I manage both those goals while also keeping my own anxiety at bay when I'm talking to my child? So here are some words you might use. Isn't it amazing that we have parts of our body that feel good to touch? There are so many ways to feel good in our body.

Touching your penis is one of them. Hmm, what are other ones? Huh, hugging, cuddling, those are the things sometimes we do, those also seem to feel pretty good in your body. It's so also seem to feel pretty good in your body. It's so awesome to know what feels good in your body. It's also important to learn which types of touching we do in front of other people

and which we kind of keep for ourselves. Hugging and cuddling, those are things we do with other people and around other people when they wanna do it as well. Touching your penis is a little bit different. Touching your penis is something you can do when you're on your own. That difference, what we do with others and what we do when we're on our own, is kind of hard to learn.

I'll keep giving you reminders when you need them. I'll step out of that roleplay. There's a lot of information there. There's no kind of shame. There's no punishment. There's no threats if you keep doing this. This is going to happen. Coming at this from a very kind of generous interpretation. This feels good to my child. He's supposed to be figuring out what feels good and he hasn't really figured out what you do where. Now, what would I do next?

So when I see it, right, you mentioned I tend to just give my child a piece of food to kind of replace the behavior. I hear that and I think you can lightly remind him, take his hand out of his pants, maybe give him something else to hold. Again, if he's looking to feel good or feel comfortable, you might even pay attention to,

huh, is there something about the situation that maybe, you know, he feels a little uneasy? Is there a transitional object? Is there a stuffed animal? Right, that might not feel as good, but also delivers good feelings in his body. I think the key here is to describe what's happening and not add any judgment and also not be afraid to name the behavior for what it is, right? We don't have a problem

saying to our kids, I won't let you hit, right? We don't avoid the word hit. There's no reason we have to avoid the phrase touching your own penis or touching your penis. So I think as you do that, you'll notice that he might even be more able to shift the behavior over time because we're willing to name and discuss it with him. One note before we move on. A mindful that our first two collars are parents of boys. I want to be clear that it's also normal and healthy

for young girls to be curious about their bodies, to touch their vulvas, and to ask questions about private parts. Our final collar is from another Sarah with a question about her daughter. Hi Dr. Becky, my name is Sarah and I am from Westport, Connecticut. I have a four year old daughter and a six year old daughter and I try to be really open with my kids and talk to them about things honestly. My kids know the basics of how babies are made. They know that there's a part from a man and a part from a woman and they come together and make a baby. The other day my six-year-old daughter came to me and said, okay mom, but like how

does the baby get into the belly? But how does it get in? I froze. I mean I don't know what to say or how honest to be with her. I told her I'd get back to her and then I ran to find your number, hoping you would get back to me before she asks again. Thanks Dr. Becky. Sarah, thank you so much for calling in with this question and I hope I'm getting back to you in a timely manner,

so you can get back to your daughter. So, first of all, I really think it's awesome that you have a kid who's trying to figure out something so confusing and tricky. And I think if we all zoom out and look at these types of questions about the body, about touching oneself, about how babies are made, and we put our own kind of likely inherited beliefs and feelings around sexuality to the side. We can really marvel at our kids

who ask such direct questions. They're trying to figure out conception. They're trying to understand how humans are created. It is a kind of confusing process that if my child was asking me pressing questions about space travel, I'd probably be thinking, wow, if such an amazingly curious child, how awesome is that? And to kind of apply those same feelings to our kids who ask about these topics. Our kids know about so many things. They learn things in school. They talk about things with friends.

They walk by maybe streets where there's homeless people, or they've experienced death early on. These are really complicated topics that we're willing to talk to our kids about. There's no reason that young kids can't know how babies are made. Knowing how babies are made is, it's based in science. It's based in anatomy. And we actually have an amazing opportunity

when our kids are young. We have the opportunity to be the first people who empower our kids with knowledge. So let's back up a little bit. I think it would be good to explore answers to all variants of this question, right? Sorry, your daughter asked a really kind of pointed question, but I'm going to rewind a little bit and then we'll get there. So let's say the first question that might come your way. How are babies made, mom? Hey dad, how are babies made? Here are some thoughts. What an awesome question.

There are many ways babies can be made. What's always true is that there's a sperm from a man and an egg from a woman. They come together and make a baby. Now, you might want to add some families need a little bit of help, getting the sperm and the egg to come together. There are doctors who help make this happen. Some families have two mommies, some families have two daddies.

These families need a really special woman or man helper to make a baby. Now let's go further. How does the baby get in there, mom, if there's no helper, right? Sorry, this is kind of what your daughter asked you. Again, I'm going to start this way every time to set the baseline for my child as she becomes a teenager, continuing to come to me with tricky topics. I'm going to say, great question. I'm so glad you asked me that. There's a special way for adults to be close and to show love where a man can release the sperm into a woman's body so that the sperm meets up with the egg.

I'm gonna pause. And Sarah, it sounds like your daughter still is not satisfied. That curiosity is still wondering, okay, but how? How does it get into the belly? No, really, how does it get in? When are child asks a question? They're curious, and they've already considered certain things to be able to even produce those words to you. I always believe that when a kid asks a question, they're ready for a developmentally appropriate answer. And to me, there's nothing developmentally

inappropriate about giving anatomical details to young kids. So I would say that special way we just talked about being close and showing love for each other, that is called sex. During sex, a woman allows a man to put his penis inside her vagina. Spurm comes out of the penis and connects with the egg. The sperm and egg come together and makes something called an embryo. The embryo kind of settles into a part of a woman's body called a uterus. In the uterus, the embryo can grow and turn into a baby. Then the baby comes out when it's ready.

Now, I would pause there. I might even pause along the way if I notice my child trying to digest each piece of information. And we know when our kids are ready for more because again, they ask, or they look at you in a way of saying, okay, and then what? Might I say at some point, I know, that's a lot of new information.

What do you think about that? I might, I would kind of use my child's reaction as a guide. And then I would always end with something like this. I'm so glad you asked me about this. It's so important for us to talk about these things. Remembering more than our answer, a child will remember if these types of questions are welcome and whether it's safe to talk to you

about tricky topics. And this is something, in my mind, we want to establish with our kids that we can be there for them in kind of complicated and even body-oriented topics, so that as our kids get older and negotiate dating, as they negotiate relationships, as they negotiate things like,

oh, what am I comfortable doing and not doing that they consider you part of their team? team. Let's tie it all together with three takeaways. First, the thing our kids will remember most is not specific words we say to them, but how conversations leave them feeling. We want to show our kids that they can come to us with questions about their bodies, with questions about sex, with questions about tricky, and sometimes uncomfortable topics. One way to establish the security is to say things to your kids like, what a great question. Or, I'm so glad you came to me with this. Or, you're really thinking about your body, and that's great. Two, use real words to label body parts, processes, and scientific facts.

This means words like penis, vulva, vagina, uterus, sperm, egg, sex, breast, testicles. There's definitely more. If hearing these words feels awkward to you or kind of makes you giggle, that's okay. Take one word a day and say it aloud to yourself over and over in front of a mirror until that body part feels a bit more similar to saying elbow and shoulder. Three. Remember the difference between sexual and sensual. We want our kids to be

figuring out what feels good in their bodies. This applies to so many areas of their life outside of their relationship with their private parts. Children touching themselves is normal and is part of developing a healthy relationship with their bodies. If this episode leaves you feeling curious about my approach to handling other topics with your kids, head to learning.goodinside.com. And on the top header, click Where to Start. I walk through all the different workshops and share suggestions for where to begin. If you've never taken one of my workshops before, I recommend looking into the Foundations Bundle, which covers ideas and strategies for the whole family system.

Thanks for listening to Good Inside. Let's stay connected. At GoodInside.com, you can sign up for workshops and subscribe to Good Insider. My weekly email with scripts and strategies deliver right to your inbox. And for more ideas and tips check out my Instagram. Dr. Becky at Good Insider. Good Insider is produced by Roe and Brad Gage, an executive produced by Erica Belski and me, Dr. Becky. Please rate and review our show. Let us know what you think and what resonated. I actually do read each and every review, so please know that your feedback is meaningful to me.

Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle, and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.