Good Inside with Dr. Becky - The Antidote to Shame is Connection with Jessica Biel

Episode Date: May 14, 2024

Actor and producer Jessica Biel joins Dr. Becky to talk about the link between shame, body confidence, self-trust, and her new book A Kids Book About Periods. Because we don't talk enough about periods. Even though half of the world menstruates, there is still so much shame around it. But the cycle of shame can stop now. It's time to change the messages girls get about their bodies and change the narrative. She also gets Dr. Becky's advice on how to get her son to eat more than just grilled cheeses.For Jessica's new book A Kids Book About Periods visit https://akidsco.com/products/a-kids-book-about-periodsJoin Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3WqasEXFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastTo listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategyToday’s episode is brought to you by AirBnb: Let's be honest, parenting is expensive. And Dr. Becky hears all the time from parents that there are so many things they want to do that just don't fit into their budget. And it can feel powerless. What else can we do to have some extra cash to show up as the parents we want to be to give our kids the experiences they want? Airbnb is an amazing way to have some extra money for that family vacation, that soccer class, that lunch you want to go out to with your friends. Being an Airbnb host means that you are providing another family an amazing experience because you've created your home with a family in mind. And it's a great way to earn some extra money for all the different things you want to do. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com/hostToday’s episode is brought to you by Mommy's Bliss: It seems like during the school year, kids are always coming home with something! And finding an over-the-counter medicine that Dr. Becky trusts can be a real challenge. That's why she loves Mommy's Bliss. Mommy's Bliss has been the highly trusted baby brand for 25 years, and if you’re a parent, you probably know about their Gripe Water or Vitamin D drops. Now, they’ve launched a new Pain & Fever medicine that is not only safe and effective for infants and children, but it's also the first-ever Clean Label Project Certified acetaminophen. Here’s what that means for parents: no high fructose corn syrup, no dyes, no artificial sweeteners, and it's free from the top 9 allergens. But don’t worry— they didn’t leave out the part kids actually care about. It has a delicious natural berry flavor with organic elderberry, which means kids don’t put up a fight when it’s time to take it. For minor aches and pains caused by colds, flu, sore throats, and toothaches, there's Mommy's Bliss Pain & Fever. Now that's medicine for peace of mind.

We are in the final few days of the Good Inside Mother's Day sale, and I just don't want you to miss it. I love my podcast listeners, and I want to make sure that if you're dealing with any problem in your home, a sleep problem, a tantrum problem, a rudeness problem, an anxiety problem, a yelling too much problem, that you have the resources to change things in your home today.

We never really put Good Inside membership on sale, so you might be wondering why now. Well, I think so many of us, we struggle to take that next step, to assert our needs, to invest in ourselves. And so many members come and tell me that within days, their family home has changed for the better and they feel sturdier. I really want you to feel that way too.

So I just want to do my part in lowering the barrier to entry so you can get the support you deserve. Use code MOMDAY, M-O-M-D-A-Y, for 25% off a first-time membership. There's no better time to join. I can't wait to see you inside. Okay, I'm going to say a couple words and I want you to think about how they relate to each other. Self-trust. Body confidence. Periods. Food. Now, if you're like most people, you're racking your brain thinking, I'm not sure how these relate or if this is relevant in my life right now. But I promise you, whether

you have a daughter, whether you have a son, whether you're a mom or dad or grandma or a grandpa, whether you're listening for yourself, this conversation is for you because I am going to tie it all together in a really compelling, personal, funny discussion with actor and producer Jessica Beal. Jessica is the author of a new book called A Kid's Book About Periods. But really, she's the author of a book looking to empower people, looking to give people accurate information, looking to change the narrative about how we think about our bodies. I promise you, you're going to laugh a lot during this conversation. You're going to learn a lot more about me,

and you're going to have actionable strategies to use in your home. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this. and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this. When you travel with kids, you get really good at expecting the unexpected. But my last family vacation, I didn't expect it to feel, well, like an actual vacation.

We found an Airbnb with all of these really personal touches. Games for my kids, fresh coffee for me, and a really comfortable couch that I could sprawl out on and watch Netflix after my kids went to bed. The place reminded me a lot of home, and it made me realize that my place could also make the perfect Airbnb, and so could yours. We've all put so much work into creating a loving,

beautiful home for our families. Whether it's our kids' playroom, a cozy reading corner, or even our favorite coffee maker, and those same personal touches could also create the perfect getaway for another family. Plus, it's an easy way to make some extra income for your next family trip. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com slash host. Maybe we could just start. This is like quite the get to know you. Like what's your your period story? And I'm happy to share mine as well. Yeah, for sure. I would love to share mine. Well, my first period was when I was 11. And it happened right before I went to school. I was in the bathroom. And then I saw blood in the toilet.

And I freaked out. I mean, just really thought, Oh, my God, this is the end. Like, I mean, just really thought, oh my God, this is the end. Like I thought I'm dying, I'm not gonna make it. Like, okay, it's been a good few years. And I ran to get my mom and I showed her and she gave me a pad, I think. I mean, it's like kind of abstract. Some of the memories are a bit abstract from that time. But I had to get to school because I was in a school play and I was playing one of the lead characters in the play and I remember

Just feeling so scared. What am I gonna do? Am I gonna have to go through with this? Am I what's gonna happen to me, you know, it was just such a scary Thing and it's funny because when I asked my mom about it now Recently, she said I told you I I completely prepped you you knew this was gonna happen at some point and We talked about it. I don't remember that conversation and I definitely even though we talked about it. I was still very scared Yeah, but I did my play it was successful The school loved it and it was fine. And then my period didn't come back for like a year. So it's such a mysterious thing. I mean, it's so weird. I think periods

are like just so can be so confusing, you know? Yeah. Well, you know what you're saying? One of the things I was thinking about recently was imagine if we told women nothing about pregnancy. I feel like there's some people who be like, we really still don't tell them that many things, which I think is true. But I just imagine one day like looking at my body like, what? Like, what is this? And all the different things, if we're unprepared for a change,

we tend to have fear and attribute something negative to it. It's survival. We want to do that as humans because then we're prepared for threat. But we obviously don't want that in that we don't want to experience key moments in our bodies kind of journey with threat when they're natural and beautiful and a sign of our health. And periods are something. Your story is similar to so many people that I've heard my friends and I talk about this all the time. That's kind of the shock and awe of this moment and how that has kind of stuck with them. This is like such a pivotal thing that happens. And if your first response is a little bit of fear and even unconsciously like, what's

wrong with me? Or like, am I dying right now? Because that's our reaction to seeing blood coming out of our body. That sticks with us. Yeah, totally. I actually love what you just said. Periods are a sign of our health. Yeah.

I feel like that's something that is sort of lost in the sauce somewhere when we talk about that. And I definitely remember hearing that just recently. One of my doctors said, how's your period? I said, it's pretty normal, it's kind of heavy, day two, I was sort of giving some details and they said, well, that's the first great marker of that your health is gonna be probably pretty stabilized.

I thought, wow, I've never heard that before. And I do feel like periods sometimes have this kind of gross connotation or negative connotation or I don't know. I remember people used to make these like really bad jokes about them when I was younger and it just made you feel like, man, I must be a really icky person if this happens to me. So I just love that.

I want that idea to keep getting circulated that it's a sign of really good health. It's such a cool thing to be reminded of. Yeah. And you know, maybe that's so part of my narrative because my period story, I got my period for the first time naturally after I had my first son. That's- Really? ... when. Yeah. Because I never- Oh my gosh. I'm so interested in hearing about this. Yeah. I didn't get my period as a kid. I kind of had this like muscular body.

I did a decent amount of gymnastics and you know, they thought maybe that was related to it, but I didn't fully fit this like hypothalamic picture either. And it was just, I didn't get it. And then I went to college and I feel like I was like put on birth control just because like my generation feels like you go to college and you're put on birth control. It's just like the same passage or something.

Ask no questions. Just, yep, did that. Got my clothes and got my birth control. And then I got married on the younger side. And, you know, I just stayed on birth control. And then when I wanted to have a baby, what I knew is I kind of knew I'd have a journey because I knew I never got my period.

So I was like, this is not going to be easy for me. And so after I got married, before we even wanted'd have a journey because I knew I never got my period. So I was like, this is not going to be easy for me. And so after I got married, before we even wanted to have a kid, me and my husband were like, you know, I'm going to actually go off birth control and try to see if I can like get my body kind of, you know, in a place where I could do this and did all types of things. And then I ended up doing IVF, right? Because I never even got my period.

And then interestingly enough, I got my period naturally after my first kid. And then I got it regularly starting after my third. After my third, I am so regular. Wow. I know. Right? And so I think for me, I did feel acutely aware of like my body's not doing. Maybe I was saved some of those like potentially awkward, could be full of of shame even though I know you and I want to undo that

You know moments, but I actually was very cutely aware when I was younger that my body is not Is not doing the thing that is a sign of health and so when I got my period I feel like I was like who gets their period for the first time like after they have their child like that's gonna confuse my daughter We're like her understanding of these things But yeah, that like that's going to confuse my daughter with like her understanding of these things. But yeah, that's my story. Wow. That's amazing. I mean, I'm so interested to hear that because as I've been learning more and more and like being a part of organizations like period.org that these women who like know so much more than I do, they were sharing that with me, that not all people who are born with uterus is Get their period and I thought wow, I didn't know that

Yeah, and then some people have these really interesting experiences where it comes so much later and that's really interesting I I Went through IVF as well with my second child and I had a natural pregnancy my first and then things changed in my body and I really struggled and then had IVF for my second baby and had my second baby but I got my period at 11 it went away came back and now it's just more more extreme than ever I thought it would just get easier and like get more mellow. No, no, no. I mean, that's what I mean when I say it's like mysterious kind of. Right.

Because it's just even now I'm still trying to figure out when and why and what and all the things, which I just feel like normalizing this conversation and knowing that everybody has a really unique story. Yeah. And okay, I want to come to your writing this book, but I feel like this fact is in my head and I have to give a lot of credit to the founders of Evy, Elaine and Priyanka, who are these amazing women.

And they shared with me, it's fact that women weren't even required to be in clinical trials until 1993. It's the amount of research done on women. It's unbelievable. And it's the same issue with menopause. And there's no research on that. Probably, in some ways, our bodies quote a mystery. But we should kind of feel enraged by that.

Like it shouldn't, because it's like men can get a Viagra belt in a second on the market. We don't even understand menstruation or the things going on in our bodies. But I think some of it is people aren't talking about it. You can't study things you're not putting words to. You can't learn more about something you don't start a conversation about. And I feel like your book, which I want to hear about, is the start of a conversation

at an age when these conversations should start. Right? So what was like the spark in your mind? Like, I just want to know, like, are you driving and you're like, are you in the bath? Are you grocery shopping? And you're like, I'm going to write a book about periods. What was the moment? I just want to get into the moment that happened.

Well, you're going to laugh because I never once in my mind ever thought about writing anything. I never thought about writing a book. I was like, I'm not an author. I'm not an expert. I'm not a doctor. So why not an expert. I'm not a doctor Right. So why would I write? Anything in this space it was never it never occurred to me until I sat down with Jelani memory who owns and runs a kids co

And I love what he does. I love all the subjects they tackle in such a cool straightforward You know way that you just, it's with so much respect, I think these books are published that children and kids can understand these big topics and these important things. And I just love his ethos in his company. And so I was literally having a Zoom with him with my company, we're talking about,

they wanted to get into different types of you know, creative formats outside of books How do we move into television or you know film? We're just having literally a collaborative Conversation because i'm such a fan. How can we work together? And then he just started asking who am I? And what do I care about? Really in my personal life and I just said well, I mean I care about do I care about really in my personal life? And I just said, well, I mean, I care about reproductive health and everyone's health and well-being.

And that's a huge interest of mine and more information around my own body and my friends' bodies. And he said, well, what would you write about? And I said, well, I don't know, period. It's probably because it's the first big milestone that a person with a female reproductive system is having to experience. And he said, well, great, let's do it.

And I literally was like, wait, wait, what? Okay. It never occurred to me that it was something I could do or that I even should do because I think I felt some insecurity around the fact that I'm not a doctor Yeah, and who's gonna listen to me and why you probably shouldn't listen to me actually like I don't really know that much either And I'm trying to learn too but I liked the The way that we collaborated on this book was I just was telling my story and trying and that is my truth

And that is something I do know about I've had a period for many, many years and it's changed and it's evolved and I've had kids and I've had struggles and I know that. And then we worked with an amazing organization period.org and they helped us with all the language about how to really talk about it in an inclusive way. So hopefully, you know, it would help parents and people and young people to just at least open the door to these conversations, have it as a tool in your tool belt, or a resource in your toolkit to just, you know, you know, the springboard to bigger conversations. Yes, to me, everything I think about with kids too is, you know, information doesn't

scare kids, feeling alone and confused in know, information doesn't scare kids. Feeling alone and confused in the absence of information always scares kids. And if we think about that framework, we actually start to talk to our kids in a very different way than probably a lot of us were talked to because the moments that overwhelm us as kids are when something happens, we don't have a narrative for it, we don't have words for it, then it just lives as a set of sensation in our bodies and kind of floating around with anxiety. But when we have a story to understand,

which has to be given to us by an adult, or it's going to be given to us by a random kid on the bus, but that's not going to be an accurate story, right? When we have a story from a loving, trusted adult, we can handle all types of heart information, like death, you know, and the family. And we can handle all types of heart information like death, you know, in the family. And we can handle just medical information and understanding our bodies, like, you know, understanding menstruation. So I am in complete agreement. I guess if

you think about parents who are listening right now thinking, oh my goodness, I don't even know what to say or like, where would I start? Or am I giving my kids something that they don't actually want to hear? Or like, I always hear this from parents. Like, what would you say to them? Like, how would you start to encourage a parent to talk to their kid about periods?

Well, I mean, I guess I can only come from my own experience, right? And I think how it started, the conversation started with my kids, at least with my older kid was he was trying to come in the bathroom while I was trying to go into the bathroom and I needed to change my tampon. And I was like, needed to do it at that very second. And I pulled it out and he goes, what is that? And I said, well, this is a tampon

and I need to use this every month. It's an experience that I go through that I'd love to tell you more about. I just can't do it right now and I need you to leave the bathroom so I can have some privacy. And he goes, okay. And he left and he saw it

and I didn't really tell him anything because I just didn't have the time at that moment, but it started there with showing him the tampon saying this is something that's happening to me that I need to take care of for my personal well-being and health, but I'd like some privacy to do it right now. And he gave me that privacy and we up until two days ago, we hadn't really talked about it again. And actually it happened with my three year old too. He was in the bathroom and I just changed my tampon while he was just in there. He wasn't staring at me.

He was like, he had a car. He was like driving his car along the side of the wall. And I said, you know what, if you're going to be in my private space, I'm going to do what I need to do and I'm going to keep it moving. And he barely even is to go kid. I do I really got some things to do and you got to get with it So let's go and I did it and we didn't really he didn't even really Ask much or talk you just kind of left and I left him like that was it. So I guess what I would say is Just continue to do what you need to do for you know for your health and wellness and well-being and within a parameter that makes sense for you and your family.

I don't know. Once again, I am not an expert. This is your department and other medical people's department, but this is just my experience as a mom. I think like little baby steps, if you're feeling nervous and feeling like oh my gosh I do not want to touch this with a 10-foot pole. I don't know just Have them laying out and have to start having a conversation about what they are or you know get used to You know having some dialogue around I have to I experience something different than you do every month

And I can't wait to share that information with you You know I kind of like dribbled it like that. And then we talked about it two days ago. Like we for real talked about it and it was amazing. I actually, first of all, I think every parent, and I really mean this, like you aren't expert. You're expert on yourself.

You're the only expert that exists on your kid. And I think what it sounds like you did is you questioned some like societal narrative, like get out, I'm doing something that you can't know about. We kind of have like all absorbed that we quote, should do that. And it sounds like societal narrative like get out I'm doing something that you can't know about we kind of have like all absorbed That we quote should do that and it sounds like you're like this is actually the most natural thing It's just this is a part of my life and I find the same way. I realized I had very similar experience I actually have a great story around my period with my three kids, but keeping Tampons away from them or like that time the month, my period away from them, actually

it was like that became harder than just talking about it in the nature of the pretty open conversations. So I was in Maine, me and my husband were on this visiting family and I took my three kids alone to the store in town. It was like a mile walk. And I think at the time, my youngest was probably like one or like one and a half or somebody who was like sleeping. And then I had, you know, my kids are three years apart.

And I was, you know, at breakfast and I just full feel my full period come on. And I can still remember I'm wearing white jean shorts. Like white jean shorts, I have a tampon, I don't have anything. And like, there's just like, I don't know how you wouldn't had a tampon, I had everything. And there's just like, I don't know how you would talk to your children. So they're all with me.

I don't have any other adults. There's not a bathroom in this restaurant. It was like this little coffee place. I remember like finding the shoe store that luckily was like, yes, we have a bathroom. And I go in and look, my kids are with me. I have these young kids. What else am I doing? And I kind of said something similar.

I'm safe, I'm healthy, because I think they're probably like, what is happening to you? Because they saw it, right? Like, I'm totally safe. I'm healthy. I think my older kid knew about it. I said, I'm having something called a period. We'll talk about it later. Right now, I, you know, luckily, I found someone like literally in the shoe store who's like, I have a tampon. Thank goodness. Right. And I figured it out. And what's so funny is I still remember like the next like couple months, like I'd be like said to my older, I was like, one second, I forgot something in the house house I got to be right back he's like a tampon I was like no no it's like my phone you know like he always was like do you have

a tampon you might want to bring a tampon you know but I'm like you know what I know about my son he will never be embarrassed to buy tampons for a friend or a partner or you know whatever because this is just in the DNA of his relationship, is like talks about tampons and periods. And I think that is such a gift. I mean, to men, to women, to anyone, that this is not some like shameful, embarrassing thing. And so I do think what you said is such brilliant advice. The conversation can start with just,

your kid probably will notice a tampon somewhere or you'll say something, right? And it's actually sometimes it can start by just not hiding it. And I think, and I want to dive a little bit more into your book because I really do think this, books to me are an amazing way for parents to bridge the gap between like what probably was done in their childhood. So therefore what feels comfortable and the parent they want to be Because a book will just give you words It's like cycle breaking just to say words that you're like, I actually don't know if I have this narrative inside my body naturally So i'm trying to develop it and this book is a tool I can use to kind of level that up

agreed 100 the world of books is such An incredible place to find a resource, to go away to a fairy tale story. So like, I'm a storyteller. This is what I do. So books are like my life and they have been my life since I was young. And now as a parent, I am constantly looking for that. I literally just found a book the other day because my kid will only eat like a grilled

cheese. And it's making me crazy. I feel, this was one of the questions I wanted to ask you actually. How do I get my kids to eat something other than cheese and bread? But I found this cool book about this dad who loves to eat everything

and this kid who doesn't want to eat anything. And it was just, the book is called like, just try it or something. And I bought it. I said, okay, great, I'm going to use this book because I don't have all the language. And when it comes to more medical things that are happening with your body, I don't know how to describe these things. I can't tell you medically, anatomically what's happening to my son when he's going through

something. Or even myself, I still can't technically map these things out. I think books are the best resource. I agree with you. I could not lean on them enough. And I have so many of the kids books about because I think they're just so straightforward. They're like, this is what it is. You're like, wow, that's a lot of very simple words. And I also just want to give a tool to parents listening because I think whether you're talking about periods or I think kids are like, what is a 69?

How does the baby really get into the belly? And you're like, Oh my goodness, I have to approach these topics too. The reason it feels awkward, I always think it's generally one reason. The things that people didn't talk to us directly about feel awkward to talk to our kid directly about simply because our body is going through a circuit for the first time. So it's rusty, like it's not well oiled, right? It's like a ski slope you're going down for the first time versus 30 million times. So yeah, it feels awkward.

But naming that to your kid, even if you are going to read a kid's book about periods, just to say, hey, as I'm reading, I might laugh or I might seem awkward. I just want you to know there's nothing like funny or awkward about periods. That just happens because nobody ever talked to me directly about it. And so if you notice me, that's why. And so I'm so excited to read this. But now that it's kind of actually similar, like if you give someone a narrative before, they're less likely to misinterpret it. So then a kid won't think, oh, I guess my period is awkward because, you know, my mom or my dad is laughing about it. If you actually and then it actually relieves so much pressure from us to like be some smooth talker about periods.

It's not going to happen. And even if you have talked about it out loud, right, it's it's just, you know, when you're not a doctor, you don't have these medical, you don't you just don't have the language and it's okay. I think what you're saying is it's okay if it's awkward and weird. I read my book with my son, we read half of it two days ago, which was such a huge moment for me. I kind of even got teary-eyed about it because I was like, oh my God, this is why we did this. This is why I did this because we're reading this thing and he goes Well, that's weird. You know, I said yeah, it is kind of weird But you know, it's pretty normal it happens to a lot of people and he's like, okay, you know I mean it was so easy. It was such a surprisingly easy conversation that we had and

We actually got to the point where you know, he said oh man That would be really embarrassing like if if someone had an accident and bled through their pants at school. And I said, yeah, he goes, yeah. And people would probably point and laugh. And I said, yeah, people might point and laugh. And I said, wouldn't it be cool if you made a different decision and you, instead of pointing and laughing, you knew what was happening to that person and you weren't scared about it.

And you just went over and said, Hey, you have blood on your pants. Can I give you my sweatshirt? Or can I help you get to the nurse? What do you need? And he was like, Yeah, are we done now? Yeah, we're done now. You know, so it just, it's in there now. It's in his brain. It's somewhere in his body that he can make a different choice if he sees somebody and something looks different on their pants or something. And honestly, I just felt like it was such a huge success. And will he make a million mistakes along the way? Probably as we all do and like don't know how to respond and don't know how to whatever.

But that was the first interaction, real discussion that we had about it. And I just could feel like I want to cry about it because it was so profound on some level. I can see that. And I think there's this topic, periods. I haven't talked to my daughter about periods. I'm going to read this book. It feels like bold but obvious. But I think it's really powerful. This is a book. This is a topic for the boys too. That's really, really important, right? That they understand what this is.

Because I think the things kids really laugh at and poke fun at, I'm just, I'm just formulating this thought. I might take it back, but I'm just thinking it now. I think it tends to be the things they don't understand. Of course. Like if you even think about a kid who points at someone who has some developmental challenge that's visible, I actually think if they understood what that was, they wouldn't find it funny, right? And kids who don't understand, they're trying to make sense of it.

And I think there's an awkwardness to that confusion that might come out as a laugh. And so I think about a generation of kids who already before puberty know what a period is. I don't think they're going to laugh when someone has like me like a white jean short period moment, because they're gonna be like, oh, that's a period. That person doesn't have a pad or a tampon. And I do think kids naturally want to help when they understand and feel empowered. And so I think that's actually a really realistic thing that could happen. I think you're right.

And it does feel like it's changing and shifting already. A friend of mine told me about an amazing experience with her daughter, where apparently her daughter in class raised her hand and said, I think I just, excuse me, I think I just got my period and I need to use the bathroom. And literally everybody was like, oh, I've I just, excuse me, I think I just got my period and I need to use the bathroom. And literally everybody was like, oh, I've got something, I've got something.

And three of her girlfriends took her to the bathroom. They went to the bathroom together, they handled it with support and they came back and they sat down and like the class went on. I can't even imagine, I'm getting goosebumps thinking about it because the panic attack I would have had my 11 year old self

Raising my hand to say that no way I would have I I I would have um Done anything else? Yeah, and I think in the world to not have to raise my hand to say that at the at the time I have optimism too. I mean look at how much the world has changed around therapy. I think now you know my friends are talking about therapy and if someone's like I'm not in therapy you're like what is wrong with you? Like what? You know and but it wasn't that long ago before no one would see it. That's true. That they right and that's changed pretty quickly just because of the power of words and conversation. That's really what it is right. Antidote to shame is connection. That's what reduces shame is, right? Antidote to shame is connection. That's what reduces shame is talking about things, connecting, sharing stories and books

and conversations that allow that to happen can have a powerful quick impact on kind of de-shaming a topic like periods. I love that the antidote to shame is connection. Shame is really a state. It's the fear of loneliness. That's so cool. Right? So like you're like, and you're, me too. I can't imagine. I mean, again, I didn't get my period at the time,

but I'm picturing myself in middle school or high school getting my period. I know this like, oh, you feel alone. You feel othered. You feel spotlight in the moment. That's why it's so shameful and you freeze, right? So the opposite of that is putting your hand up and you kind of are like, either lots of people here have their period or lots of people here have things happen to their body that

feel unexpected and they're not quite prepared for. And if that feels normalized, then there's a lot more freedom. Yes, it's so true. I'm curious how you think about, because I feel like this conversation is about periods and more than periods periods because I think about how it relates to just body confidence and confidence in general. How do you think about that? I mean, it certainly relates having connection around and language and dialogue around how

we're feeling head to toe is still hard for people, still hard for me. And I think it took a long time to have body confidence. Especially if you're looking, you know, I remember growing up in the 90s and the early 2000s and looking at all, you know, you're looking at models on magazines, you're like, well, I don't really look like that. What's wrong with me? Yeah. You know, and it's getting, it's getting, it's even more extreme now. So I think it's a huge topic. I think it's something we all struggle with as a girl turning into a young woman and becoming a woman.

And I don't know how you feel about it, but there's a lot of pressure. There's been a lot of pressure. There's still a lot of pressure. I don't know if that's going away or how we address that as a culture. Yeah. I mean, I think with every I think we're at a time,

especially like with social media and the focus on external validation and looking at other people and information overload, without a doubt, it feels like things are stacked against us in even more intense ways, women trying to feel good about our bodies. I guess, in a heartening way, it's really hard to feel confident in your body

if you have a process that happens in your body that nobody talks to you about. It's just, it's so confusing and overwhelming. And I think that narrative of like, ew, gross, icky, ugh, right? It's, this happens like every month or this happens on and off, right? And the idea that I'm gonna feel confident and amazing and trusting of my body when there's something inside me that I don't understand and that also is associated with yuckiness that that's I mean Then then that's really stacked against us. And so certainly I think even just knowing what if one Big area of impact I could have is I could help my daughter Understand her body and help her understand that this is a sign.

It's, you know, I would say two things can be true. Like, okay, can periods be inconvenient? Can they sometimes even to ourselves, you're like, oh, I don't feel great in it. Sometimes we have an inconvenient sign that our body is working. It's also kind of an amazing thing that we get that sign. I mean, if you think about all the different things in the medical field that we would kill to have a sign that we're that sign. I mean, if you think about all the different things in the medical field that we would kill to have a sign that we're actually healthy, like I would take a bunch of inconvenient signs to know, hey, I don't have cancer today or hey, you know, my heart health is, is good. Like,

I would actually be like, oh, it's inconvenient. And sometimes like a little, like, okay, like if I have a sign of health, that's kind of amazing, right? And I think infusing that into our daughter's narratives about their body, like there's so many different ways we can look at health, but one of them is reproductive health and that is, you know, a thing. And so you're going to start to have this sign and yeah, it's going to be a little annoying sometimes, it's going to be a little inconvenient. Those are also true. But what's also true is every time that happens, like

you can kind of look at your body and say, thank you for doing the thing you're supposed to be doing. Like I'm grateful. That's amazing. You're so right. I just I love that. And I hope I do hope that that idea is becoming really, really widely expressed and shared. because I only just heard of that, and I'm in my 40s, which is blowing the way. So yes, if younger women and younger people who are getting their periods know that, then you will, you have just a relief.

You're like, okay, it's uncomfortable, it's inconvenient, I got this though, and like you said, I'm safe and I'm healthy. I think you brought up a really good word that I hear myself say a lot Trust you don't trust your body and you've you've been made to feel that your body It's like dirty and scary and not trustworthy Yeah, which is something I hear myself say is like I don't feel like I can trust my body when my period comes because I don't Know what's gonna happen

And I still feel confused around it So there is a major trust element that is kind of lost with with you and yourself you know around this subject and around the lack of information and knowledge and around and around the lack of Empowerment about My period is healthy. My period equals health, my period equals powerful, you know, things are working, things are going well, you know. And that's something that I struggle with myself personally is I don't want to use that word with my body. I want to trust my body. Yes. I don't want to feel that word with my body. I want to trust my body. I don't want to feel

betrayed by my body. And sometimes that word comes up for me too. And it's a strong word, but I still feel that way. I still feel like, oh my God, it got me again. It betrayed me again. But actually it's inconvenient. It's not a betrayal. It can be inconvenient, but it's crushing it actually. My body is just rocking it. It is. And you know, it's interesting, we're kind of a little bit coming full circle is I feel like the definition of confidence as feeling good about yourself is like completely the

wrong definition. And I think it sets us in the wrong direction. When we think about building our confidence, definitely building our kids' confidence. I always define confidence as self-trust. That's really what confidence is. It's trusting that the way you feel in the moment actually is the way you feel. It's trusting that your feelings and sensations

give you information. And it's definitely looking at signs of your body working, like a period, as important data, not as a symbol that something is wrong or awful or gross. Yeah, when we think about confidence as self-trust, then it paints a more obvious road to, oh, so if I want my kid to trust themselves, I have to help them understand what's going on

in their body and give them a narrative. And that's why I help my kid even understand the whole range of feelings, because that's actually more confidence. You're so right, oh my gosh. You have so many good ways of putting things that are really hitting for me. And I'm thinking as well,

it just brought up again how important it is for people who don't experience periods to have all this language too. Because if you're trusting yourself, trusting your body, knowing that you're healthy, knowing all these things, but this outside pressure or this outside shame or being bullied or making fun of, or like if you're getting that outside, it's really hard to then still go, yeah, whatever. I got this, I'm still awesome. It's hard to contend with opposite feelings, right? So it's not necessarily more important,

but it's equally as important to have this dialogue that everyone is speaking the same language when it comes to this type of stuff in our bodies. So this is going to be wild because I'm maybe not that wild. Don't get too excited. Let's hear it. Yeah. Our listeners are like, what is Dr. Becky about to say? What's she gonna say? Everyone can like sit back down. It's not really that wild at all.

But I get excited about when things connect. So I wanna actually circle back to food because I actually think food and our kids' food and how we react to our kids' food, especially when they start to kind of tighten up and get picky, deeply relates to the theme of trust and to our body and our body signals. So essentially, especially when our kids are young,

what I like to remind parents is the only thing our kids can actually control is what goes into their body, their food, and what comes out. They're peeing and pooping, which is why, kids inherently know this, which is why when they even smell their parents' efforts to control, they completely shut down and restrict further because that then becomes the way

they can get back that control because it kind of took away that initial area first. So, and some ways speaking at a turn, you haven't shared any information, but I think this framework of, okay, so really my kids eating is all about them kind of feeling in control and kind of exploring on their own.

And the more my kid knows that I'm invested in them, kind of let's say exploring a wider range of foods. And if I feel extra invested in that, they're actually gonna get more restrictive because I'm kind of encroaching on the only territory that they have, right? Right. Right. Oh my gosh. What I think is really helpful is a framework and this actually comes from the Satter Institute. So I want to give her credit. She's brilliant. She talks about, like I always talk about

in a family system, a parent having a job and a kid having a job because to me that grounds me. I'm like, what am I supposed to do? Well, in any job, I'd figure out what my job is and do that job. So at the dinner table, right, and she says this, a parent's job is the what, when and where. What do I serve? When do I serve it? And where does it happen? Right? So I'm not a big fan of like dinner in front of an iPad, let's say, but that would be aware if that's what I want to do, I do it. But like, let's say, so my job would be, okay, so your kid only likes grilled cheese. So I'm like, I'm in charge of the what. So if I decide what is served, when it's served and where it's served, I have done my job. And there's some nuance there.

But my kid, my kid's job is the weather and how much. That is their job. And it's really important to kind of stay in our lane. So my kid decides of what I've offered, whether eat any of it and how much of that they eat Now to make that a little more nuanced because I feel like when I tell the people they're like, okay But like my life's a little more complicated than that. So let's get real. Um What that means, let's say I have a kid who only eats grilled cheese like literally only eats grilled cheese Will he like pasta too?

He will eat yes noodles with butter and cheese. He'll eat grilled cheese He will eat pizza He will eat, yes, noodles with butter and cheese. He'll eat grilled cheese. He will eat pizza. He will eat pancakes. Sometimes chicken sausages. Sometimes some bacon. This is kind of a new thing. And guess what? He will eat zero vegetables and zero fruits.

Yeah. But guess what he did yesterday or two days ago? He licked a pear. So that's huge. He licked a pear. Yep. But guess what he did yesterday or two days ago? He licked a pear. So that's huge. He licked a pear. Amazing. Our work here is over. Goodbye.

I can't believe it. All is good in the world. Why are you even talking? We celebrated at my house. We were like cheering for him that he licked a pear. So I'm going to jump in and I'm going to, I'm going to, that's amazing. And because I'm a direct talker, I'm going to, I'm going to share something that maybe is a little counterintuitive.

So number one, you're already doing what's amazing. If we think about food, the way we think about any type of exploration, food is exploration and we don't explore when we don't feel safe, right? We all cling to what we know. And so exploration naturally comes when we relinquish a little control as parents and when kids feel safe. So I think in the what, when, where we we always want to offer one safe food because if food, if the dinner table becomes a source of anxiety, that long-term sticks with the kid much more

than whatever they're ingesting. We're often so focused on like, I want my kid to have a carrot. But if we think long-term, what's more important than like eating a carrot is not having a ton of anxiety build up in your first 18 years of life around food because that sticks with you way longer than the nutrients of a carrot does. You're right. If I'm experiencing anxiety around the dinner table, is he then also probably experiencing anxiety or do you think it's possible to separate that?

I think it's possible. Because I'm anxious about it. I don't know if he's anxious about it, but I know he feeds off my energy. This is where I think those jobs matter to manage our anxiety. Because I think unconsciously what we do is we end up judging our parenting by like what our kid eats,

especially with other people. And we're like, oh my God, your kid eats a salad. Like, I'm such a bad mom. And like, we end up like feeling so bad. That is the way I feel. And like, I even have heard it in the past, like you gotta have that kid eat more stuff. I'm like, I know have heard it in the past, like, you got to have that kid eat more stuff. I'm like, I know.

Right. Trust me. Thank you. It's not like I am trying every day, every second to get a broccoli in that child's mouth. But actually that's where we have to reverse it. The truth is we have to say like, wait, my job is the what went where. I have done a good job if I do that. And I've done a good job just like,

if I was in an office and I started doing my colleagues job for them, no one would say I was doing a good job. They'd be like, you're kind of wreaking havoc on our organizational structure, like staying home. So that's my job, right? And so when people also say like, don't you want to get them to eat broccoli?

I'd just be like, thank you for your advice. I'm going to file it. I'm going to shred it, but thank you. And like, I appreciate it moving on. Right, but like that's my job, that's it. Now I do think there's, we want to offer one shred it. But thank you and like, I appreciate it moving on. Right? That's my job. That's it. Now I do think there's, we want to offer one safe food. So let's say this is dinner.

So your kid eats buttered pasta. Fine. So what I would put on the table is like butter pasta. And I also think though we can be creative. Like I don't know if every night I'm going to put 20 million servings of butter pasta. I'm going to give enough that I'm like, my kid has sustenance. So I'm not like spiraling about whether I'm starving my kid, but I'm also going to give enough that I'm like, my kid has sustenance, so I'm not like spiraling about whether I'm starving my kid. But I'm also going to put foods that like maybe my kid will lick, maybe that.

And that's all I'm doing. Eating with kids definitely helps too. And modeling resistance and skepticism is so helpful. We often do the opposite. We're like, this broccoli is so delicious, but it's actually way too far from our kids' experience. So what's helpful, let's say you have broccoli, pasta and chicken, your kid only takes pasta. Truly say nothing. It's so hard. But when we think we're being so slick, we're not being slick. Our kids pick up on it. We're like, do you want to put these broccoli on your

plate? Do you want to put one? Don't. If you wouldn't say that about buttered pasta, don't say it about anything else. It has to be right. And then for you, when you eat, I might, like if it was me, I'd say, do I want broccoli? I don't know. Broccoli was kind of different. I don't know. I'll put it on my plate. I don't know.

That's it. And then I wouldn't look to my son and be like, do you see what I just did? It ruins it. It ruins it. Play it cool. They will absorb the modeling. And then maybe I'd go further. The next time I'm going to touch it to him.

Oh, I don't know about this. Oh, that's interesting. I'm going to put it down. Anyway, how was your day? And you know, you're like, I'm winning now, but you're not encroaching so directly. So that's number one. Number two, just like we don't want to pressure too much, we do not want to praise either because our kids know it's okay. With more information, we can just shift because when we praise and celebrate, our kids are smart. So they're like, oh, this, it actually is a form of control. It doesn't seem like the same as like,

you have to eat your broccoli to get a TV show. But I think Tova Klein said this, maybe someone else, Lawrence Cohen said, praise is just sugar-coated control because we're kind of telling our kid what we want more of in that moment. Right. And so I don't know about you, but like for me, let's say I like haven't worked out in a while. And then I finally work out. Like I picture my husband being like, yay, you went to the gym. And I was like, I hate you. And I'm not going to the gym for the next month. Like, cool.

Glad you felt that was your win. Right. Like you just, you feel it. You're like, why are you so invested in this? And so I would just, it's actually the easiest thing to shift. You're like, cool. I just don't have to like celebrate about broccoli anymore. It's actually like your win. Like you don't have to do that. Easy.

Easy. Exactly. And then I would verbalize this to him because I would actually just say to him, look, you have your thing with food right now. Here's the thing. I know there's going to be a day when you eat a variety of food. That day is not today. It might not be tomorrow, but But and this goes back to this.

I trust you to figure this out. It's your body. You're the only one who knows what things taste like. So I just have a feeling over the next couple of months, you're going to start shifting a little but you're going to notice I'm not going to like make you have things and I'm not going to like have some big celebration when you have a freaking carrot because like if you want a carrot, great. If you don't, I really don't care.

And just so we're just going to do things a little differently. And there's something also about that moment that really matters. I think it'll be relieving and also you can even say to your kid, and if I start to do like weird things around food, just tell me and I'll be like, oh, thank you. You know, and again, that message of trust, because I don't like to me, the opposite of control is trust. It's really powerful to think about those as opposites. So the more we control our kids with the potty or with food, they actually learn like, oh, no one trusts me to kind of figure this out. They actually feel less safe. They restrict more. And so a little bit reflecting trust

and reflecting this kind of what we call validation and hope. Look, I know the food's a little tricky and I kind of know you're going to figure it out. I trust you. We're going to kind of get through this together. That's really heartening to a kid to hear that combination and to know you're stepping back a little because you actually trust them to over time. Now, to be clear, you're not going to call me tomorrow and be like, oh my God, he had a salad.

That was amazing. That's so not going to call me tomorrow and be like, oh my God, he had a salad. That was amazing. That's so not going to happen. But it's the pathway that matters. I think this is like a framework that hopefully feels useful. I actually love that because I am so stressed about this food situation and I don't want to do this anymore. It's not working. What I'm doing is not working for sure. Like that's not happening and

honestly, like I say to my mom, she you know she said to me before, hey I think he's melting down maybe because he doesn't have good nutrition, right? He's whatever and I've said you know what you're you're you're probably right you're probably right but I don't I don I don't care. I don't care anymore. But it's not. I have to get to work. Right. And I just don't have this opportunity.

I'm putting my tampon in. I'm giving you the food on the table and I got to get to work. All at the same time. Without washing my hands. Things have to happen sometimes. No hand washing. And I just been like, I don't care. And there's such a freedom in that of just, I've done the what, I've done the where and the when. I did my job. That's right.

But it's often when these sometimes outside influences are coming in, and of course, your own insecurity about the fact that the dude hasn't had a vegetable in his entire life. But I really love what you're saying. I can do that. I can totally do that because I'm exhausted actually by this experience and I'm sure he's exhausted and I know he has my number because I do think I'm slick. I do for sure and I know I'm not because he keeps looking at me and he keep what he keeps saying is I'll do it when I'm four and I say okay cool

Let's do it when you're four or whatever that sounds good But I do really want him to trust that's right himself and I want to know that I do it You're gonna do when you want to do it's your body the messages about the body are so powerful It's always my approach to potty stuff to like Like seeding that idea, it's your body. You're going to try it when you want. Is it connected, you think, this control with food and control with body and slash potty? Because I'm having the same issues with him with the potty. Well, I'm going to say this to you directly and with love. If they feel that we're trying to control the only things, then they do start to feel like I don't trust my body.

Then the potty process and the food process get really tricky because those things are both hugely successful from a place of independence, which is like a lack of parental involvement and control. And so it's actually the same thing with the potty. You know your body best. How could I know when you want to pee? I don't have your bladder. I mean, it was, it was so the other day, my six year old was

so funny. We were all eating something and my six year old goes, this is spicy. And my nine year old goes, this is so not spicy at all. He looks at me because you don't have my taste buds. That's what he said. I was like, boom, roasted. Right? Like, because sweet burn, sweet burn, but it was because it was based in kind of, he's like, I trust my estimation. And I actually think this goes back to women and goes back to long term. Because if we want our kids to become teens who are able to say to someone, hey, no, like I don't want to go home with you. And when they're like, why are you making such a big deal out of that?

We want them to say like, hey, I know I have hesitation. I trust my body. You don't know what I want better, I know I have hesitation. I trust my body. You don't know what I want Better than I know what I want like that's really would be the internal process to be able to stand up and say No and slash your douchebag or you know Right exactly the potty the food these are early experiences where we can and it's not too late However, dear kid is they're still so young to say, like what matters most both for the potty and food success, but also just long term things that matter is feeling like, wait, I know my body best,

I'm in charge, I can learn to trust myself. And then the safety and kind of the exploration and the independence really come kind of naturally from there. I am following this forever. I'm on your train. I've jumped on your train and I'm ready to take it all the way to success town. All right. Well, thank you. Thank you for your book. Thank you for this honest conversation.

This is so, so powerful. It's going to be so helpful to so many. I'm so excited about it. And look forward to talking to you soon. Thank you for having me. Thank you for caring about this book. And I really, I can't wait to tell everybody I know to let their kids eat their grilled cheese forever. Just trust them. Trust your body. I'm so stoked on that. And I really that's the ethos that I want in my life and my family to trust, just to trust.

So thank you so much, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks to Airbnb.

Remember, your home could be worth more than you think. Find out more at airbnb.com slash host. And thanks to Mommy's Bliss. Check out their new pain and fever medicine at mommysbliss.com. Thank you for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com slash podcast. Or you could write me at podcast at goodinside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world. And you deserve resources and support so you feel empowered and confident for this very important job you hold.

I'm so excited to share Good Inside membership. It's the first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like-valued parents. It's game-changing and built for a busy parent who wants to make the most out of the few minutes they have. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julia Knapp, and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Erica Kapelsky, Mary Paniko, Brooke Zant, and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go, let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.