Good Inside with Dr. Becky - The Power of Letting Kids Struggle.

Episode Date: October 3, 2023

Dr. Becky sits down with Reese Witherspoon to discuss her newest children's book Busy Betty and the Circus Surprise, and the power of letting kids struggle, resilience, creativity, and the true definition of confidence.Order Reese Witherspoon's book: https://bit.ly/3t8gX2sJoin Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/46qQOKBFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastTo listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategyToday’s episode is brought to you by SEED: When kids are in a picky eating stage, one of the things that goes out the window is fiber - which is really important for regular bowel movements and the gut microbiome. 95% of children and adults in the U.S. don’t reach their daily recommended fiber intake. And it can be especially tricky to get enough fiber into the diets of picky eaters. With one serving of Seed’s PDS-08, your child is getting a third of their recommended daily fiber intake. You can just pour the pre-portioned sachets of naturally sweet powder into yogurt, a smoothie, milk — or whatever works for your family. Everyone wins: you don’t feel as stressed and your child gets all the benefits of a healthy gut — and, to be honest, more regular, easier poops! Use code GOODINSIDE for 20% off your first month of Seed's PDS-08 Daily Synbiotic + Free Shipping.

I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. Reese Witherspoon is someone who doesn't exactly need an introduction. But what you might not know about Reese is she's written her second children's book, busy, beddy, and the circus surprise that is out today. And she's also one of my favorite people to talk about parenting with. I see this a lot with parents. I don't know when we stop letting our kids fail. Like I learned so much from the paper I didn't turn in or the demarrants I got, so I got detention.

I was suspended from school when I was in fifth grade for talking in class and being disruptive. And my parents didn't say, she didn't deserve that and take me out of school. They actually let me sit in it and feel uncomfortable. So I think learning from failure is actually a valuable tool that you can't take away from kids, right? You rob them if you don't let them sit in the discomfort of the experience. In her book, she brings to life so many of the themes that we hold really dear here at good inside, letting kids struggle instead of taking them out a struggle. Resilience, creativity,

holding on to big ideas and the true definition of confidence. I can't wait for you to hear this conversation. We'll be back right after this. Not much matters more than helping our kids develop confidence. And the way I see it, confidence comes from watching yourself, work hard, tap into your creativity, and do things you might not always do. So if confidence is where we want our kids to get to, what is a tool to get them there?

Well, KiwiCo is a tool to develop confidence. Each month, my kid gets a box delivered right to them with a hands-on project designed to spark creativity and engage problem solving. But my kids don't know this is what's happening. They just see it as a form of play. I've watched all my kids love their KiwiCo crates because the projects cater to all types of kids,

kids who like science or sensory play or games or geography. I love that KiwiCo is a win for kid fun and a win for long-term confidence. And now you can get your first month free on any crate line at kiwiCo.com slash drbecky. That's your first month free on any line at ki-i-w-i-c-o.com slash dr-b-e-c-k-y. Hi, Reese. Hi, Becky. Or do I call you Dr. Becky? You know, either one is fine. I feel like we get each other. I'm comfortable. You went to that school for that long. I'm gonna call you Dr. Becky.

Okay, I will embrace the doctor. Call me Dr. Becky, that's what I'm supposed. So good to have you here. So nice to be here. I wanna hear all about this amazing book you wrote. So, Busy Betty is like a whole series, right? Well, this is book number two. So there's two. There's, is that a series? That's a series. I think that's a series. It's a character that's now, you know, being developed.

I feel like you're someone just like Betty who dreams a big thing. So I don't know. I just don't anticipate it ending at two. So maybe I'm just looking to the future. But who knows? I don't know anything. No one knows. So maybe. Busy, Betty, and the circus surprise. So can you just, like, I like to always understand first to me, like, I like to understand the backstory, like, what's underneath this?

Like, what was underneath this for you? What's under Betty? Who is she? What does she mean to you? And how did that even lead to the second book in the Betty series? Well, when I was during the pandemic, I went through all childhood photos. That was my project.

I kind of finally went through the boxes and sorted things and scanned a lot of stuff so that I would have archives and things. I found all these really interesting pictures of me creating little businesses in the backyard when I was a little girl and I thought oh my gosh, I forgot. My brother and I would build these businesses together. We had a Barrett business where he would go to them all by the Barrett's for for a dollar. I would write people's names on them and personalize them and then we'd upcharge it to $1.50. So we were making a profit and he would talk, told me about profit margins in the third grade.

But we also just had fun. And so that's what sort of started this idea. I was also talking to my kindergarten teacher because my son goes to the school that I went to. And there's the same teachers there. Patty, right. No. Patty, right.

Who knew me when I was five years old, skipping around the black top and the playground, pretending to be Dolly Parton, because I was obsessed with Dolly Parton. And I'd say, Miss Wright, I'm gonna be fangist one day. And she said, what are you gonna do? And I said, I'm gonna be a singer like Dolly Parton. And I'd say, Miss Wright, I'm gonna be feing this one day. And she said, what are you gonna do? And I said, I'm gonna be a singer like Dolly Parton.

And she said, okay, where you see, I believe you, I'll go sit your concert, okay? But you have to go play with the other children. And so I sat down with her and I started talking to her. I said, you know, talk to me about the different kids that you teach. And what do you do with kids who have a lot of energy and creativity? And she was like, you were just high-spirited. I always had to direct your play in your creativity.

And you just didn't want to play with other kids. You were so imaginative you wanted to play alone. So I'd have to tell you, how can you think of a game that would get the other kids to play make believe with you? And she changed my socialization, and she helped me make her. I didn't have friends for the first three years of elementary school. I just was very much like in my own head and doing my own thing, and I had a brother.

So I was just hang on to my brother all the time. And so, I want to jump in on that. Because yeah, just to make sure, it sounds like during those years years you weren't lonely. You didn't have friends and you weren't lonely, both are true. Because, you know, what strikes me is actually it's crazy timing. It's this conversation I was recently having with a parent. A little different, but her daughter really likes to read or recess. She loves reading, she's like seven, and the mom is extremely social, like social butterfly,

and she's kind of entering, like what's wrong with my daughter, and she's never gonna have any friends, and one of the things that was really helpful to explore was kind of the difference between the parents fear and almost her putting herself in her daughter's shoes, like I wouldn't have wanted to read, versus her daughter who I know

Actually, it's like like at this stage in her life She she's happy to be doing that and so your story. I feel like it's such a poignant one like people People hear your name. I think everyone's like yeah like Reese withers wins figured some things out like she seems to have like adapted Okay, you know like here, right? And so, but to hear like, oh, like, there's a way when kids are young and they're figuring out who they are and what matters to them, that their version of satisfaction, you know, could actually look very different from another kids. Yeah. And I think that we, it's our job as parents and caregivers to understand, just know your players, right? Each one of your kids is gonna be totally different.

Teachers know this, right? But as parents, it's our job not to make them to conform to who we want them to be. It's our job to figure out who they are and help them play their strengths. We both have three kids. And my three kids, like, completely different from each other. I keep wondering, like, if I had four, five, or six,

would they all be equally as different from each other? My guess is there are, like, innumerable permutations. And so I'm curious with you, you have three, too. Is it hardest for you, in some ways, to parent the kid who's most like you, and you see stuff in them, and you're like, oh, my goodness, or to parent the kid who's in some you and you see stuff in them, you're like, oh my goodness, or the parent the kid who's in some ways least like you. Hmm, that's a really good question.

I think probably both is also much. I mean, all three of my kids are so different. I have one very introverted kid, very quiet. I have a very social kid and I have a kid who's very talkative and very inquisitive and like almost endlessly curious. There's so many questions, I don't know how to answer all of the questions. You know what's kind of fun is I got to combine all of them into busy-beddie. So a little bit of a little busy-beddie is who I was is a little girl high spirited lots of different ideas learning from failure which is a big piece of the book and then a lot of it is literally things that

have happened to my children or questions they've asked me. Beak to the learning from failure part like give people a preview of that and I think you're naming it because it's so important you you know, for kids development, right? Yeah, I just, I see this a lot with parents. I don't know when we stop letting our kids fail. Like, I learned so much from the paper I didn't turn in or the demarrants I got, so I got detention. I was suspended from school when I was in fifth grade for talking in class and being disruptive and writing creative notes and passing them to my friends. And my parents didn't say, she didn't deserve that and take me out of school.

They actually let me sit in it and feel uncomfortable. So I think learning from failure is actually a valuable tool that you can't take away from kids, right? You rob them if you don't let them sit in the discomfort of the experience. I mean, I will tell a story about my daughter and I hope it's okay if I tell this. She was in third grade and she was wanting to be on the basketball team because all of her friends were on the basketball team. And she went to the practices all the time. It was really hard for her. She couldn't do the layups. She couldn't just couldn't get the coordination with the dribbling and the, she just wasn't,

she didn't like it. And so she went and then she had her last game of the season and she went home and laid down on the bed and searched her. She's like, I didn't score any, I didn't score one goal. And everybody scored goals. This entire season, I didn't score any goals. And I was like,

yeah, I know. I said, I know that that probably feels really bad. She said, can't feel terrible. And I said, you know what? Also, maybe you're not good at basketball. She was like, what? Can you tell me I'm not good at something? I was like, it's actually really important to learn what you're not good at. Yes. Yes. I had a very similar experience with the volleyball team. I did not make the volleyball team in sixth grade and I cried so much. But I learned I wasn't good at volleyball.

And you know, this is music to my ears. This is like the core of the philosophy I talk about. And I actually think it's the essence of what we get wrong about confidence. Confidence isn't feeling like you're the best at something. Confidence is feeling like it's okay to be you when you're not the best at something. And that is the biggest gift of all, right?

And yes, you reflected that back to your daughter. It sounds very similar to the way we generally talk about, you know, things with our kids too, where to me the biggest gift, and I really do, I get this like excitement, like, and I know that sounds awful, like when my kids are a little upset, where I'm like, wait a second.

If I can tolerate their distress, they're gonna think it's possible for them to tolerate their distress. And then it could be small. It's like my son's struggling to do a puzzle, right? And instead of being like, here's how to do it, you know, kind of, quote, keep him happy, you know, I'm like, oh, puzzles are so hard, right?

Or, oh, I forgot to bring my computer to school. This happened to my sixth grader, right? And I did know I could have told him here it is, but when he came home upset, I forgot to bring my computer to school. This happened to my sixth grader, right? And I did know I could have told him here it is, but when he came home upset, I was like, you only learn from feelings. If I am robbing you of disappointment, you're not gonna use the feeling to become more responsible. And I know I don't want to remind you about your computer

for the rest of your life. Like, I wanna work myself out of that job. And I won't do that if I don't let you experience the reality. You're so right, you're so right. And also, I think the hard part too, as a parent is age appropriate failure. Yes. So we are supposed to intervene when they're,

they're, you know, their little hands can't cut correctly. We're supposed to help them with motor skills, right? So intervening with certain things at young age is different than once you're, so what do you think I'm actually going to ask you, develop mentally, when is the good time to start saying, let's see, you failed. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I guess I'm thinking about something like in between, even that, like let's say it's your, I don't know, it's your 14 month old, and they can't, you know, I don't know, get the food they want on their fork

and they're trying to use it, right? Of course, we want to help them, not gonna be like, well, I'm not gonna let you eat food until you can do this by yourself. Like that's definitely not my parenting approach. But to me, there's a big difference for what our kid learns from, okay, here it is. Okay, stop crying.

Versus if I can come my own body first, and just say, Becky, and this is, I really do need to say this myself. I'm safe, this is not an emergency, this is not an emergency. Like I need to remind my body that. And then I might say something different to my 14 month old wishes.

Ah, so tricky. Or, oh, you're working so hard. And even if that only lasts five seconds, 10 seconds, before I do say, I'm going to help you with that fork. I've literally increased my child's frustration tolerance for 10 seconds. That's actually how they learn to be successful. Kids learn to be successful by lengthening

the amount of time they tolerate struggling. The success finds itself. And when we beline a kid from struggle to success, they grow up thinking, that's entitlement. They grow up thinking they shouldn't have to struggle. Like, kind of where is the easy win here? Where is the person rescuing me? Right? Because actually their bodies are like, I've never really had to tolerate struggling before. So I'm scared. I'm actually scared of this feeling. Yeah, and we all know that feeling,

even as adults. Yes. We have it over and over and over again. And I do think that's so well said. It's like your tolerance for the struggle of literally everything in life. Yeah, I really, like I've said that about my kids, like I hope they're good at struggling. I think that's like one of the best predictors of success. The longer you can, and not to the point

that it's like, you know, really working against you or you know, something like that, but like, this is hard. Okay, what do I do next? And in that way, working on a puzzle a little longer when you're three is really no different than like writing the script you want to write. Because even then, you're going to have a moment of saying, I can't do this. It's too hard. And if you can draw on weight, let me take a deep breath. I, you know, I'm going to figure this out. We all know what happens next.

Yeah. So, let's bring this back to Betty because she is, she's industrious. She's industrious. She's, she's full of big ideas and she believes, I think, in her ability to bring those ideas to life, even when there's obstacles in life. Right? She has, yes, she has incredible optimism and creativity. And I think a big piece of her too,

a big piece of writing the books that was fun for me was the teamwork aspect too, because that's a big part of my life and my creative work. I have a big creative brain, but I can come up with a million ideas. Only really two of them are able to be executed with the right team around me. So I'm always deeply appreciative of my team. They're different perspectives. I always like that.

And Betty has a friend who comes in and sees the mess and goes, that's not a mess. This could work. We just need to adjust one thing. So they're adaptable. They're kids who are figuring it out on their own. This is actually one of my favorite things to do with kids too. I've been a parent since 1999.

So I do little things that are fun social experiments with them too. Like, I'll give them, well, look, I mean, we did so many lemonade stands, right? So I would start to say, hmm, how can we make it different? Because there's so many lemonade stands. What do we add to the lemonade that's going to make it special? That people really think it's something creative and interesting. What else can we add with the lemonade for

a less amount of money that might make it more appealing? So I get them thinking about it and then I make them actually do it. We had a snow cone stand. Snow cone stands are a big popular one in our family in the summer. And we kind of model the whole business. Like, what does the startup cost? And how are we going to market it?

And who's going to actually make the product? And who's going to sell the people? And who runs the cash register? And it's fun to watch their planes work. Oh my goodness. I mean, you're speaking my language here because I think so much about the power of questions to our kids, right?

And the difference between teaching our kids what to think versus teaching them how to think. I mean, I could cry at that difference and teaching someone what to think is telling them things, right, where you could say, hey, you should really add cookies to the lemonade stand, right? But we all remember what is teeny. We were we were teenagers. Someone can tell you what to think. It's probably not gonna work, right? But when you pose questions to your kid,

and I always think the power of doing this is starting before they can answer questions. Cause like when you say to maybe your four year old doing a lemonade stand, I wonder what else you could sell. Like people are like, you think my four year old's gonna have an answer? The power of the moment happened. They might, but even if they don't,

the moment's already happened because now the next time they do something, they're gonna say to themselves, I wonder what else I could add. And that's like, that's everything. Because you, and I was thinking about what you're saying, I'm like that too. I'm such an idea generator,

and I need someone to be like, gas, gas, gas to your, I mean, sorry, break, break, break to your gas Like nope, you know, but and then we finally guess somewhere But I think I asked myself a lot of questions and I think I asked my kids a lot of questions and it sounds like You do that too, which is what allows kids to become creative? Also, I learned so much. I did a reading of Busy Betty last year and I sat in an audience and that very end, I asked them, has anybody here ever run a business?

And they're like, I said, have you ever had a lemonade stand? Oh yeah, yeah, we've all had a, I said, you've run a business. And then we talked, I said, what is another business that you could sell with the same table, which tells something different or special? One girl, I mean, said the most amazing thing when I said, what is another business that you could sell with the same table? You could sell something different or special.

One girl said, I mean, it's said the most amazing thing. When I said, what could you add onto the lemonade that would make it really special? It's because bubbles. Come on. I already want to go to that lemonade. So I learned, you learn, bubbles make everything better. 100%.

They really do. And children's imagination is so free, and it's so amazing if you just listen to them and let them learn and let them surprise you. And then also, let them try some bad ideas. So the snow cone idea is actually good, because I got this kind of inexpensive machine. And we had to figure out how to get the ice to the machine on the street.

The way their brains are trying to figure out how to get that first. They started with a cup. Uh oh. They only had one cup. Then they started with a bowl. Uh oh. The bowl melted in the sun. Then they were like, we need a cooler.

We'll be cooler. It was just amazing. It was so fun. Well, because it seems like you're able to really witness the way their work and experimentation and failures led to this aha moment. Like witnessing your kid have an aha moment versus kind of like giving them your aha moment.

Like you could have said, hey guys, like a cooler could probably be better than a cop. It's so easy as an adult to say that, but watching a kid experience the sense that they came up with an idea that clicked after their experience mounted and like, kind of just watching that, it's magic as a parent, right? It is, it's so amazing and fun.

Just to see, and sometimes they have great ideas and then sometimes you have to just hold their hand through the failure or you go, okay, that ice clogged the machine. I'm going to help unclog the machine, but I feel like those days go by so quickly too. I know because you're just working on a collective idea and a project. Also, the learning about teamwork too because you literally can't do anything like that by yourself. Yeah. Was that any of that hard for you? I know I'm thinking about parents who,

they know about themselves. They're like, I'm kind of high on control. I'm kind of perfectionistic myself. So watching my kid come up with ideas that are, quote, wrong or, right, they're aware. They're like, that like so hard for me. See, that's not hard for me in a creative space. You know what's hard?

It was really hard for me as a parent was watching my kids go into a place like, this sounds so odd, but I'm sure you've heard this before, not controlling how they look and what they wear. Because I wanted to do that so badly. I was just like, no, no, if you just wear this outfit, not controlling how they look and what they wear. Because I wanted to do that so badly. I was just like, no, no, if you just wear this outfit, it's cute. And if you're to, and then no one will judge you and you'll just fit in.

And then it's actually, I actually thought it, I am robbing them of learning those lessons. A first of all, self-expression, creativity, and you know who you are in the world in a group. How do you assimilate? How do you stand out? Which one are you? If I addressed you and told you how to be, like literally sometimes just telling kids what to wear, can cripple them later in life because that's look like yourself identity is designed around things that you succeed at. And am I making any sense?

Do you know what I'm gonna say? You're making so much sense. And I feel like for so long, I felt like I'm good in that way. And then I heard myself with my daughter, she's at the age now, where a lot of the girls, and they go to birthday parties, they're like, quote, like, looking cute.

Like they kind of make them self up differently. And my daughter just wants to wear her brothers, sports shirts and sports shirt, you know, and I remember saying in the way that I thought, like, I just wanna let you know, the girls at this party are gonna be wearing this. So and I kind of pulled out this dress, and she's literally just,

just because other people are wearing dresses, why would that make me want to wear a dress? And I was like boom, oh, okay. You know, and it was, I was actually after I was like, oh my goodness. Isn't that like the self-esteem? I'm working to gain. And I think again, it comes from this good place. Like you want to all of this. I'm working to gain. And I think again, it comes from this good place.

Like you want to all of this. We think we're protecting our kids in those moments by taking them out of failure, by telling them you should wear this, by saying, hey, you really got to, you know, remember your computer for school. But when we're protecting them from a bad outcome, potentially, we're often not preparing them for life, where they're inevitably going to have to deal

with bad outcomes, right? So, yeah, and I also think that we're focusing on protecting them from a bad outcome, and also, we're not letting them learn to self-regulate. Yes. Yes. You know, or adapt, or move. Yes.

Right, so I watched all my kids their sense of style or what they thought was cool or evolve. You know, and it also should be age appropriate too. There's a time where they become more self-conscious and puberty and learning like when to step in and be helpful and when to shut up. It's so hard. It's so hard. Hey good inside listeners. So sometimes with parenting, a podcast does the trick. And sometimes with parenting, we need a bit more. And I

wanted to be sure you knew that we're set up to help you in those trickier times. The good inside membership platform is your parenting and cyclopedia, coupled with a community of parents and experts you trust, which means that no matter what you're going through, we've got you covered. And then we take it a step further because I know that we're people who don't just want to solve a problem and return to baseline. We want to raise our baselines, right? And this is what we really do together. Reduce triggers, learn to set boundaries, and access that sturdy leader that I know is inside all of us. It's all there when you're looking for that next step. And until then, please do check out goodinside.com slash podcast. Scroll down to the Ask Dr. Becky section at the bottom and let me know what you want to

talk about in future podcast episodes. What you just said about that evolution is, you know, when your kids in a stage, like they want to wear something that you're like, oh my goodness, or I don't know, they're in some type of stage. I feel like when the heart is part of parenting, it's like, my kid can be in a stage that's hard for me. And it just feels like it's going to be the truth forever about them. First is what you're saying is like, they're gonna pass into some other stage.

It might be hard for me. It could be easier for me. And sometimes what I have found is the more I try to control something in my kid in their stage that's hard for me, the longer they actually stay in it. Because now it's a way to like define themselves as separate from me, right? And now we're in like a power struggle, right?

So can you speak to that? It's amazing. You have kids at different life stages. Have that been helpful in parenting your third? Like do you feel like you have a little more of a zoom out of like these things are a stage? It's gonna evolve. Yeah.

I think anybody who has older kids and then their third one or fourth coming up, I think sometimes around food, too, food gets to be very controlling. who has older kids and then their third one or fourth, coming up. I think sometimes around food, too, food it gets to be very controlling. So I've had one kid's a great eater, one's, yeah, okay fine. One has a very rigid idea of what is good and not good. And so adapting around food concerns,

I will say my mom is a pediatric nurse. So I got the benefit. She actually taught pediatric nursing. So she would bring me in as an example to her classes sometimes and get tell stories when she came home about trying to show people that about nutrition and that there's periods of stages of children's development where they don't eat very much. And we all get really worried. Oh my God, they're not eating.

They're eating perfectly. You know, and then it's like you can hold on so tight that you're actually causing more damage. Sometimes like ignoring the food controlling behavior dissipates it a little bit. Yes. You know, when you're watching too much and you're talking about it too much, it becomes this center focus around family meals. Yes. So I would love to hear your thoughts on that

because I'm just observationally, that's an issue a lot of people deal with. Yes. I mean, I think when it's similar, we're talking about appearance and clothes and food, right. I find it helpful to think about control and trust as binaries, as opposites. And so the more we exert control,

the more often without intending to we're kind of saying to someone, I don't trust you, right? Which is why if like your boss is standing over you being like, right, this thing now, you're like, it feels like they don't trust you. Like it feels so bad. Where if they're like, hey, this thing has to be're like, it feels like they don't trust you. Like it feels so bad. Where if they're like, hey, this thing has to be redone.

I'm going to go to my office, let me know. I have faith in you. You, you, you feel the trust because there's like an absence of control. And for kids, what they eat, like what literally goes into their body and what they swallow. And this one of the only things they have like full control over. Really is. Like, it's often, honestly, what they swallow, and that's one of the only things they have like full control over. Really is. Like it's often honestly what they eat and when they pee and poop, which are also two areas

when kids are young, that can make parents very anxious because they're the two areas they don't have control over. That's right. And yes, the irony is the thing that really helps kids in the potty process or actually on their own schedule exploring a wide range of foods is actually feeling like they trust their bodies to figure out. And so, it's this very natural developmental thing. Like, okay, I have to eat.

And the thing that really gets in their way is when our anxiety is apparent, you know, a lot of us when we're anxious, we double down on control. And then we think it's going to help our anxiety. It actually always makes it worse by we think we lead with it. And then yes, kids will say like, I'm not eating anything or I'm like, they, you know, I'm not,

I'm not potty trained anymore, whatever it is. Because in a way what they're saying is like, this is the only thing in my life that I think I can really control. But I'm getting the message that like, you don't trust my body. And so that really gets in a kid's way

of those really important processes. And I hear myself talking and I hear the voice of people listening, like, oh, I messed up my kids forever. Oh, my goodness. No one messed up their kids forever, right? No. Not a thing. So I just know it's so easy to hear ideas about our kids

and go into like, it's because we care so much. So it's so easy to go into shame mode. Oh, yeah. For sure. Well, also, I think I really like what you talk about when you talk about repair because nothing is an absolute. It's not over. It's not done.

You always have a chance to go. You know what? And I do this a lot as a parent. I was thinking about that conversation we had two nights ago, and I wanna go back. I don't think I said the right thing. And you know, I'm just a human too. And I think, sometimes I think I'm saying the right thing,

but I think what I wanna be clear about is, I'm not upset at you. I was trying to get to the heart of this problem between us. But tell me, you know, I see you had any more thoughts about it. I mean, it's like everything to me is repair because to me it's these moments. I yelled at my kid. I said to my aunt, I want to say. And then those moments can feel like our worst parenting moments. Like we'll think about them for weeks and then we tell ourselves these stories. I'm a monster. I've messed up my

kid forever. If anybody ever knew the type of parent I would, they would, you know, whatever all this judgment. And what I really like to share with parents and it's not bullshit, it's completely true. Is the moments after you mess up, which is human, Reese has done it, I've done it. We all do it. Those are actually the moments you can shine the most. which is human, Reese has done it, I've done it, we all do it. Those are actually the moments you can shine the most. That is like, you're like on stage because there is nothing that is as positively impactful in any relationship as going back to a moment that felt bad

and layering on connection and understanding. And because kids, when things feel bad, and they're confused by them, no one explains them, they tend to blame themselves for them, just because it's the only thing they can do to try to have some understanding. When you go back to your repair, I always picture, you literally remove,

you snatch it out of their body. You snatch out the story that they're at fault that they make bad things happen, that they're too much. A lot of the stories we've told ourselves, you know, for a while as adults. And like I really, I feel like I'm a jishin' when I do it with my kids.

Like it's so powerful and you can't repair if you don't rupture. Like you can't get good at repair if you don't mess up. So when you mess up, it's just like you're already completing step one in a very important two step process. And so yes, like repair is everything. Everything. Did you, did your parents repair with you?

Like did you have that modeled for you? I've had a model of my mother at this age. It's actually really healing too because as you get older and you start to go, well, there's these parenting dynamics that didn't work in my childhood. And I'm gonna bring them up with my parents to have a parent, my mother, saying, you know what?

I don't know if I handled that right. I'm sorry. That does the best I could. Wow, that is enormously healing. I'm really that to me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And and it's, I have such compassion for people who, um, it, there's, you know, that accountability. Yes. Right. And I've said it to my own kids. I know I messed up and I want you to know, I don't expect you to think I'm a perfect parent. You're allowed to tell me what did or didn't work for you in retrospect.

I am so here and available to hear that. Like you don't have to protect me from your thoughts or feelings about my parenting. You don't have to protect me from your thoughts and feelings about my parenting. That is, I just want to, it's really, really profound. And I think that is such a gift to kids at any age, because in a way, when they do share with you, hey, like, you know, when you were so hard on me on this, it felt bad, or when

you used to leave me alone in my room instead of calm. In a way, I like my image of it because at first it stings because it feels like they're saying like you're a bad parent, they're not saying that, but it can feel like that. But my image of it, Greece is like my kid is like opening up a new hook in them. Like they're letting me get to know an experience they had or a part of them that I didn't know before. They're actually like, it's like a bid for connection. They're letting me, because I'm sure when you were able to share things with your parent and your mom hooked onto it, like she listened, you can feel closer to someone after that, right?

Yeah, for sure. Because also there's a validation piece. Yes, right. You're like, I wasn't making that up exactly. It's that was, you know, and I don't anymore, but in my private practice, I worked with so many adults and as they reflected on parts of their childhood, I mean, this not one of them ever wished

that their parents were perfect, that their parents didn't make mistakes, a hundred percent of them yearned for repair, right? That's what they felt was missing. They're like, yeah, like, we kind of know as you could older, my parents are human, right? But no one needs those moments not to have happened.

You just need, like you said, write that validation, that connection, just someone to listen, not listen, to try to prove you wrong, that's not listening, but like actually just listen to understand. So yes, repairs everything. I think a lot too about being vulnerable with your kids, not having to be perfect. And I think that's probably changed for me. I think by my first kid, I had everything had to be perfect.

And the outfit had to be perfect. And the first day of school had to look cute. And now I think I let go a lot of that that need for perfection, I think, and also the idea that I'm always doing everything right or the other thing I think mom gets stuck in sometimes that maybe I'm generalizing, but I hope maybe this resonates that we're the only one that knows the right thing to do for kid the kid. It gets a little, um, I had to learn to let go because I'm a working mom and had to learn that I had to reframe my thinking like, oh no, they're not gonna be okay because I'm not there. I'm not the one putting on the soccer cleats and I'm not the one putting the bow in the hair and I'm not the one the video camera. And I had to learn and kind of reframe it

that, oh, my kids are learning to be adaptable to other parenting styles and other people who have authority, who are older or younger or grew up in a different culture. Or they're actually learning to be a person who gets their needs met with different people, and they're a person to learn to speak up and self-advocate. And that moms who think, I'm the only one who can do everything,

it's actually, it can be, and I'm guilty of it too. It can be harmful for kids. I was just talking about this exact thing was one of my friends because I work a lot more than I used to. So my kids were not always used to me working full time. And I have been for the last couple of years

and it's necessitated moments like you're saying of, like I'm not at whatever the thing is, I didn't get to the basketball practice, the basketball game that time, or I didn't go to the orthodontist appointment, right? And recently I had a really powerful experience with my oldest who, I kind of checked it with him, he just started middle school.

And I said, have you had any tests? I don't know, my friends were talking about it. They're like, and he's like, yeah, I've had like three tests. And I was like, oh, and then he shared with me when how he had studied and done all these things. And I reflected, and I actually showed this to my mom recently. My mom was like always there.

And that sounds amazing, but there was a little bit of what you're saying. I didn't realize to later that it took me a little longer to find my own capability, because I actually think we find capability when we have a secure base, but we're actually in some moments of distance. And you're like, oh, look at me. I figured this thing out.

You know, like, yeah, here I am. And I learned how to hustle, literally, right? And I sat to my mom with love, and she's so non-defensive. I was like, I don't know if I ever took a test in my life that you didn't know about. That like, you know, like she was so always there and I was always sharing, you know, and I felt actually, I felt proud of myself. I was like, that like my son and now he's older, like he figured out how to like study

and do all those things in that distance, right? And it was just, it was such such a cycle breaking difference, you know, for me. Yeah, I can't imagine if somebody like knew every test I took, right? It would be great and also a lot to manage. Like it's having like a full-time manager standing over your shoulder all the time,

going, did you do the work? Did you do the work? Did you do the work?" It's like, okay, you know, I have to trust that they're learning study habits and good skills. Yeah, that trust again, right? And I think we give our kids so much, and again, this is so full circle, when we trust that they can cope with hard things, when we trust that they can bounce back from a hard moment that will be there for them to help them through that hard moment, but we don't just have to take away the hard moment proactively.

Our kids benefit. They actually build their self-esteem by watching themselves kind of like go through that moment. Like we're saying like, oh, look at me. I got through that, right? Like they have to have that experience to have that self-belief. Yeah, and spills stacking going, oh no,

I'm actually good at that. Yeah. I remember having to be advocating for myself in school and I think it's why I have great relationships with teachers. I learned that I had to learn how to talk to the teachers and have conversations with them. And then I got more engaged in talking to them. And because of, you know, the fact that my parents didn't intervene.

Yeah. Yeah. You were just there. And like you would build up enough capability and confidence to trust yourself. It wasn't controlled for you right there. Again, it's it to trust that you could figure it out and then you did, right? Yeah, and know that I wanted to get the most out of my education for myself. Yeah, not to please them. Yes, yes. Literally what was I interested in? Yes. So what do you, what do you hope with Betty? Like, what do you hope kids get from her?

Or what moments happen between parents and kids? I always think about that. There's all these amazing moments that happen between parents and kids because of an amazing children's book. I think a lot about people who have kids, caregivers who have kids that are very high-spirited and high-energy and ask a million questions

and go, go, go, go, go, go. First of all, it's for caregivers who need ideas about how to direct play. Like don't do the play, but like set up the play. Today we're gonna play store, tomorrow we're gonna play circus. That kind of thing I think is really helpful. And also letting kids fail. Letting your big high-spirited kids fall on the floor.

It was really important to me that Betty had a tantrum. Yes. Big expressions of emotion and that she's allowed to have those big meltdowns. You can just let her cry. Crying until you can't cry anymore. Let all the tears out. Yes.

And then you pick yourself up, and then you figure out what you're going to do. I love that. But there's a lot about resilience and finding the message in the failure. Yes. And as an extra tip for everyone listening who's going to be reading this book to their kids, there's nothing my kids love more than when I start the sentence. Did I ever tell you about the time? And then I share something that was really hard for me or where I failed.

And I feel like this book, like, I can, did I ever tell you about the time? And then I could see being like, I was working on this project. And then this happened. And then this happened. They think it's going to be amazing. And then my whole block tower fell down before anyone even saw it. And because I think like our kids see us as so together as so having figured it out, it's one of the reasons their hard moments and failures are actually so hard for them because in the context of their family, it's almost like I'm the only one who struggles

to put on my t-shirt the right way or tie my shoes. You know, I always think my parents are like this, a lot of capability. And so it's so interesting whenever my kids, there was this period where after I started doing this, something hard would happen. And like, for example, I remember my tutors saying, when you were six, did you ever skin your knee, falling off your scooter while riding down Broadway? We're like, that's what just happened. She's like, so specific.

Yes, because she had literally been like, you know, and I think she was just saying, like, tell me I'm not, like what we're all saying. Tell me I'm not alone, tell me you've been here too, right? And so I think your book also like really allows for this nice moment after of like sharing vulnerable yourself like I've I've been there too. Yeah, I love sharing my big failures with my kids. They think it's hysterical. Yeah, you know, it's interesting because like to my kids, I'm just this mom, right? I'm this mom and they every once in a while, the outside world pops up and I just remember

my kid the other day saying, wait, people think you're funny. Why? It was like, it's actually my job. It's like, what I'm paid to do is that you get paid to be funny. Are you kidding me? I'm so much funnier than you get paid to be funny. Are you kidding me? I'm so much funnier than you. Do they know you? Do they know the real you?

You're not that funny. They clearly haven't met you. I know. I know. But I just wanted to tell you, I really value what you're putting into the world, because I watch you on Instagram. And I think there's so many people don't have time to read a book.

I know it, you know it. But giving people the words and modeling for them how to talk to their kids in a patient and loving way is such a gift to the world. So thank you for doing everything you do and your amazing team, because I know you have an amazing team. There's no way you could do something at this level and not have the greatest team, so the greatest team.

100%. Wow, thank you. And can't wait to talk again. Okay. I'll see you soon. Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com slash podcast. You could also write me at podcast at goodinside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world.

And parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered, confident, and connected. I'm so excited to share Good Inside Membership. The first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like-valued parents. It's totally game-changing. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise.

Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julianna and Kristen Mueller. I would also like to thank Eric Obelsky, Mary Panico and the rest of the good inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside. I remain good inside. you. you