Good Inside with Dr. Becky - This is Not a Vacation. My Kids Are Coming.

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

Once you have kids, vacations aren't vacations anymore. They're trips. And traveling with kids, big and small, can be a challenge. As we head into summer, Dr. Becky shares some tips and small shifts to help get you through stressful travel moments while creating core memories for your family.Good Inside's Guide to Traveling with Kids: https://bit.ly/4biF0MPUpcoming DFK Workshop on June 5th @ 12pm EST: https://bit.ly/3wCYrBHJoin Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3wfceODFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastTo listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategyToday’s episode is brought to you by Airbnb: After years of traveling together, Dr. Becky now loves staying on Airbnb so that their vacation can feel, well, more like a vacation. On a recent trip to visit family in Chicago, she found the perfect family-friendly Airbnb that had toys for her youngest, family games for all of them, and even the same book series her eldest was in the middle of reading - oh, and gave her and her husband a living room so they could have have time to themselves after the kids went to bed. Talk about an all-around win. Did you also know that while you’re away, your home could be an Airbnb for another family? It’s a great way to earn some extra money to use on your family’s next vacation. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com/host.

Everyone knows that once you have kids, vacations aren't really vacations. You don't really travel. You kind of just take trips. And it really feels like a trip when you're traveling with kids. And at the same time, there are sometimes some really small shifts we can make to get an experience that does feel a little bit more like a vacation, or at least moments that do. I asked all of you to share some voice notes with questions you have about traveling with

kids. And so I want to spend today answering those questions. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. Let's be honest, parenting is expensive. And I hear all the time from parents that there are so many things they want to do that just don't fit into their budget. And it can feel kind of powerless. What else can I do to have some extra cash to show up as the parent I want to be to give my kids the experiences they want?

And I wanted to make sure you all knew of something that doesn't always come to mind but is an amazing way to have some extra money for that family vacation, that soccer class, that lunch you want to go out to with your friends. Being an Airbnb host means that you are providing another family an amazing experience because I know you've created your home with a family in mind and it's a great way to earn some extra money for all the different things you want to do. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com slash host. If you're like a lot of parents I know, it is really anxiety producing to travel with

kids. You think about the logistics, you think about the plane flight or the train or the car, you think about, oh, or the train or the car. You think about all the new food. That's very different from what you have in home. All right. Let's hear from Roxanne who's going to speak to exactly these concerns. So we're taking our three kids ages six, five and one to Greece for three weeks. And A, I'm worried about my oldest because she's an extremely picky eater and I'm afraid

she's just going to be hangry, low blood sugar, because traveling it's just hard to find those safe foods and I don't know what to do about that. And B, I'm nervous for the one year old on the plane. Our longest flight is eight hours. And she's just not at the age where even, you know, a screen would work for her to distract her. If there's any insight, I'm very nervous. First of all, I think it's awesome that you're taking your three kids to Greece.

And I say that as a parent who has not taken her three kids to Greece. But I really think it's amazing. And I think these decisions give our kids kind of a wider sense of their own capability, right? Because it does push the whole family kind of out of their routine. And while your young kids might not explicitly remember the stories of what happened in Greece, what they will remember is that things were pushed a little bit outside their comfort

zone. And so I know there's anxiety around that and we'll get to that, but I also just want you to take a moment to pause and say, this is actually such a benefit to my kid. This is so cool that I'm going to give them this early experience. Okay, we have travel with the one-year-old and we have eating food when your child is a little bit of a picky eater. I actually want to center on a theme here. And Roxanne, it's the theme of your capability.

You might think, what are you even talking about? I don't ask about that. How is that a theme? Here's what I know. Travel is hard. The plane flight, yeah, that's definitely not going to be so pleasant. Plane flights are hard. Figuring out food in a foreign country can be hard. And I know you're a sturdy leader who will help your kids get through these things. I know that seems minimal to say or like a throwaway comment,

but here's how I think about anxiety in general. Anxiety equals the unknown plus our underestimation of our coping ability. I wanna say that equation again, because I almost want you to write it down if you're not driving, because seeing it as an equation is really helpful. Anxiety equals the unknown

plus the underestimation of our coping ability. Okay, now that we see this equation, we often think that we can lower our anxiety by making the unknown more known. Here's all the things I'll do on the plane, and here's all the different things I ordered, and I'm going to look up all the restaurants in Greece and figure out which ones have pasta with butter and Parmesan cheese on the side, right? Something like that. And it's not like some of that prep isn't helpful.

Some of it, of course, is helpful. And yet, we can never actually fully manage our anxiety from the unknown part of the equation, because anxiety operates by thinking about the future, and we can never make the future known. Interestingly enough, we can really get our anxiety under control by focusing on the second part of that equation, the underestimation of our coping ability.

When we project, oh, my kid's going to be such a disaster and they're low blood sugar and my one-year-old's gonna be screaming on the whole flight, it's gonna be the worst flight that ever existed for a one-year-old, what we're actually doing is we're forgetting this key thing. I'm capable. I have been through hard things before. I will get through this hard thing again. I don't know exactly what I'm going to do on the plane. I don't know exactly what I'm going to do at a restaurant when my kid is melting down because they don't

have butter pasta. What I do know is I'm capable. It won't be forever. And we will get through it. And so if there's one mantra I want you to focus on going in to your trip to Greece, it's actually something like this. There will be challenging moments, and I am capable. What we're doing is we're validating what's hard. Of course that's important to validate. And we're adding on this important message to ourselves. I am capable.

What does this mean for the travel? Yeah, we should anticipate some struggling with your one-year-old. They probably won't sleep great. They'll probably be some times of crying. But if you can tell yourself, there will be challenging moments, and I am capable. We'll do some prep with the toys and the peelable stickers and snacks, snacks galore. We'll also do some prep of activating the capable, sturdy leader who's inside of us

so that part of us can come out when our kid has a hard time. Same thing with food. One of the things I've noticed when families are struggling with a kid who has a lot of kind of particularities around the foods they do and do not eat, is our anxiety about it almost perpetuates the problem?

My kid's such a picky eater, they won't eat that. Oh, we can't go to that restaurant. And what our kid learns is no one really thinks I'm capable, not really necessarily capable of eating a variety of foods, just capable of getting through the day. And then they kind of start to form their identity around that picky eating kind of nature.

So what I'd remind yourself there is to tell your kid, there's gonna be different foods in Greece, how cool? You know, different foods can feel kind of tricky to me at first because they're new. Well, me and you, we'll figure it out together. That's very different than you're gonna have to try new foods, okay, because then if you don't, you're gonna be hungry and if you're hungry,

you're gonna be cranky and if you're cranky, you won't be able to walk around the city like we're planning to do. That actually projects kind of a lack of capability. So let's kind of summarize. It's awesome you're going to Greece. Give yourself credit for doing that. So amazing.

And focus on validating that there will be hard moments and really reminding yourself, I am capable because I know you are. Okay, so let's move from plane to car. I know with my kids, car rides that are even just eight minutes sometimes turn into full-blown disasters and this was definitely true when they're younger. You're driving, your kids are arguing, maybe there's pinching, there's, you know, verbal, nasty words being thrown back and forth, and we all want to intervene in a way that's sturdy and effective. Let's hear from

Mike. Hi, Dr. Becky. It's Mike from Melbourne, Australia. Can you please help us to make our road trips a little more enjoyable, more specifically trying to reduce the fighting in the backseat, or at least how we deal with that. We find it hard to remain calm, being the pilot, not the turbulence, in such a small space while we're in the car.

When I grew up, my dad would just slam on the brakes for effect, pull over, and smack my brother and sister and I. That's not our style. I would love to hear your recommendations on how we can effectively deal with this situation with a sturdy leadership approach. Hi, Mike. First of all, I'm really sorry that happened to you.

Moments like that where you were a kid, that must have felt really scary. And I also wanna really commend you and just notice your cycle breaking, your bravery, your language here. I wanna be a sturdy leader. I wanna remain the pilot, not the turbulence. That kind of good inside language.

Oh, you're speaking right to my soul and to my heart. And it says so much about you that you're doing this work for the benefit of you and obviously for your kids. So that's pretty amazing. How the heck can we be a sturdy leader when our kids are screaming in the backseat? You know, I'm often asked, what do I do in these really, really challenging moments?

Like when our kids are fighting and we're driving the highway? I have a few ideas, but honestly where I think I can help families have more bang for their buck is a slightly different question. What can I do outside of the moments in the car so we just have fewer of those difficult moments in the car? Right? Like parents often say, what do I do when all this stuff's happening? Like, what is the Dr. Becky magic? I'm like, I don't know, just kind of get through that moment the best you can. There's no great thing to do in a super chaotic situation except try

to contain it and survive it without making it much worse. Where we can have so much impact is a different question. What can I do when my kids are calm when we're not driving somewhere so they can practice some of the skills they would need to activate in a higher stress, real life driving on the highway situation. I don't know about you, Mike, but I like that question more. I feel much more capable even hearing myself

ask that question. So let's go with that first. Practice and drive runs are huge for car rides. What does that mean? Well, I would say to my kids, hey, you know what I realized? Driving can be kind of tricky. It's one of those situations where I'm driving, I can't do that much. The two of you are really close proximity. I know it's hard to kind of get along and stay in your

own space while you're in that situation. And at the same time, I'm not really able to help you because I'm driving. Here's what I'm thinking. Just like anything else in life, when there's a hard situation in our family, we know that we can practice things in advance. Because practicing skills when you don't need them is the only way we'll be able to use those skills

when we do need them. So we're gonna do something kind of ridiculous today. We're gonna get in the car, in the driveway, and we're not going to go anywhere. And we're going to have a few situations that we practice. And the two of you are just such awesome problem solvers. And I know if we work through together, we're going to come up with some things. Now, I'm a realist. My kids are not going to say, oh, mom, that's such a beautiful idea. Can we do that now? No, they're going to roll their eyes. They're going to say, oh, are you serious? It's so ridiculous, you're so annoying.

And then I'd say to them from a sturdy leader perspective, we're going to do this, sweetie. I would even say we're gonna do this before we do these other things that maybe my kids wanna do because my number one job is to keep you safe. And safety really has been a little bit of a question when we're on car rides.

And I take that job very seriously and I appreciate you doing this with me. Let's go to the car. Right, so I'd kind of firm up in that moment. Then I would say kind of, I would try to simulate one of the situations that actually happens. Maybe it all starts when your kid, I don't know, kind of taps, you know, her knee on her brother's knee and, oh stop touching me! And it goes off from there. Maybe something starts because, you know, one of them makes fun of the other person.

So I'd actually have my kids in the back seat and I'd say, let's do this thing. I want you to actually move your knee and touch your brother's knee because I know that's one of the ways it starts. Okay, let's say that happens. And I'd say if that was the case to my son, first of all, what can you say to yourself to stay calm? And the reason I'm doing this in the car is it's almost encoding

this location-based memory. They're practicing the skill where they're going to need to use it. Maybe the mantra would be, that was annoying and I can deal with it. I would actually have my son practice saying that out loud. Then maybe practice saying something instead of using their body, please move your knee away from me. Maybe I'd also practice my daughter,

hey, what are you looking for when you kind of bang your knee? And if your kid's like my kid, they'll say, oh, I don't mean to, it's such an accident. Okay, what are you looking for when those accidents try to happen? Are you looking for attention? Are you looking to play a game? Oh, what game could you ask your brother to play?

And go from there. Practice and dry runs are hugely, hugely helpful. We would never expect a basketball player to make more shots in a game if they're not practicing those shots in practice. Same thing. Next thing I would suggest. The fill-up game before rides.

Sometimes our kids are antsy in the backseat. They feel disconnected from us, right? We're not there, we're not paying attention to them. And so much of kind of sibling rivalry comes because kids feel disconnected from us, their secure adult. The fill up game is really a way of hugging your kids and quote, filling them up with mommy,

filling them up with daddy, right? So as it speaks to so much of their core needs and hug them, hug them, you could say, you know, how filled up are you right now? It's really a way of doing kind of super connection before a car ride. The other thing I just suggest is saying, hey, of super connection before a car ride. The other thing I would just suggest is saying, hey, there are times in a car ride

when we all need to wiggle our bodies. And instead of wiggling into each other, I wonder if you could say, I need a wiggle break, and that's a good sign that I do need to pull over in the next two minutes. And we get out, we kind of do some jumping jacks, we move around, right, maybe you let them hug you, something they're looking for contact,

and then we get back in the car. I hope those suggestions are ones that feel doable and manageable, and while I don't think they'll make car rides perfect, I do think they'll start to make them safer. And Mike, I just want to say one more time, you're clearly working so hard. You're an awesome dad, and I'd love an update. awesome dad, and I'd love an update. I want to talk about a group of kids that I'm particularly passionate about. Why? Because I think these kids are some of the most misunderstood kids in the world.

I see these kids as deeply feeling kids, and the world tends to see these kids as oppositional, defiant kids. What are the kids I'm talking about? They're the ones who have explosive meltdowns. They're the ones who tend to yell, I hate you, go away, when you know they actually need your help. They are the ones who will trip and fall and then blame you, even though you were not around them at the time. These kids are misunderstood because they're seen for

their difficult behaviors instead of for their underlying core struggles. And because of this difference, I really went to work a while ago and created a completely different approach for these kids. An approach that parents tell me leads to the first time they've ever understood their kid and then the first time they've ever seen productive change in their home. I want to make sure you know about my upcoming live deeply feeling kid workshop. You're going to get an approach that makes you say, oh my goodness, this is my kid. And then you're going to get a set of strategies that actually work.

First things first, follow the link in show notes to see if your child is a DFK and see exactly how we can help. All of it is available within membership at goodinside.com. I can't wait to connect with you inside. All right, I want to move on to one other dynamic I hear a lot about when it comes to travel. The judgment. It feels like you're getting from all the other people around you. As you're traveling, maybe your kids are having a hard time. And I know that when we feel judged in public, it can make us as parents spiral.

And we start to do things that we actually don't even want to do and we wouldn't do in private, almost trying to prove ourselves to strangers we don't even know. So let's hear from Heather, who gives voice to this concern. So my question is, how do you handle people around you when traveling who think that children shouldn't be allowed to exist as children or the whole human being worthy of respect that they are? On a recent flight, my daughter was given dirty looks by the people around us because something on one of her shows made her laugh. There seems to be this attitude that thinks that children don't deserve to travel or be in other spaces that aren't specifically designed for children, like restaurants, planes, theaters,

concerts, coffee shops, and more. So I'd love to hear more about your thoughts on how to handle that situation. Heather, this is a question that speaks right to my heart because I think figuring out how to parent in public when our kids either laugh, which is pretty minor, or actually do have a legitimately hard time is such a key part of being a sturdy leader. So I wanna share two ideas for you. Number one is a visual barrier. So let's say you're on the plane, right?

And you have some people around you, your daughter laughs and they're giving you looks. And we'll get to this in my second point. I actually think it's important to say, we don't know exactly what someone's thinking. Maybe they look like they're giving us a dirty look, but we actually don't know what's going on in their mind. And the truth is, the more we can have kind of a visual barrier between other people's

looks and our bodies, the better decisions we're going to make. What does that mean? Well, we imagine someone's thinking, oh, your daughter is so rude. And then we kind of take that into our body and it upsets us. Why are they saying that about my daughter? Why are they thinking, oh, is my daughter rude? Should I reprimand her in a harsher way? No, okay, actually no, she's just being a kid.

But now I'm angry at the stranger who maybe was actually staring at someone else in the first place. When I think about a visual barrier, I actually picture myself in kind of a bubble where I see someone else's dirty look coming toward me. It's not like I'm not aware of my environment. But there is this kind of glass or plastic, so it actually doesn't come in.

That might seem like a kind of silly strategy, but I promise you, I've worked with so many adults in private practice for so long now. It's one of the key ways we can actually bring to life this idea of a boundary. Other people's looks, other people's thoughts actually don't have to kind of penetrate into my body. I don't have to be so porous. Okay, one other strategy here. Given we never know exactly what someone is thinking,

I always think that if we're going to make up the thoughts of other people, we might as well make them work for us. So I remember when I was in a grocery store years ago, and one of my kids had a major tantrum. Why? Because they wanted something? And I said, no. Okay.

There were so many people around me. And I imagined them all looking at me and thinking and saying, Becky, you do your thing. Becky, you're an awesome mom. Your kid's tantrum in a grocery store does not define you, does not define your child. No worries at all. We've all been there. Parenting is hard.

You do your thing. We are behind you. And my sturdiness in that moment just catapulted. I was like, oh, I felt like the sturdiest leader. Yes, we had to leave the grocery store. Yes, I had to carry out my child screaming and kicking. But I actually look back at that moment. I remember that day as a win. I was like, I was awesome in that moment because I feel like I had this community of parents cheering me on. Now, were they thinking that? I have no idea. It doesn't even matter to me. But I don't want to

give real estate in my body to made up thoughts about me and my kid that don't even work for me. If I'm going to do that, might as well make them productive. So the next time you travel and you see people giving you looks, you know what I want you to think? Oh, I wish when I was a kid I was allowed to express my emotions in that way. If they're giving your child a look, that's what they're thinking. If you think they're judging your parent, they're actually thinking, oh, I remember when I had a kid that age, that was so hard. That parent is going through so much

and is doing such a good job. That parent has my full compassion. Again, am I deluded to think that people think this way? I might be. But here's the thing, Heather. I know what you care about is the way you show up to your child. That's what really matters the most, and I think this strategy can be really, really powerful. Alright, let's bring this all together. I do want to start by validating that traveling with

kids is hard. And it's hard for a number of reasons. Our kids get very used to routines. Kids love to know what to expect. They love familiarity. And I think a lot of us adults, not all of us, but a lot of us do too. And so when kids are thrown out of their routine, when all of a sudden they're eating different foods for breakfast, they're sleeping in a different bed,

they have different visual surroundings, things just don't feel the way they normally feel, it's easy for them to have a quick tantrum or to be arguing with a sibling because kind of they're saying, I feel out of whack. Things don't feel the same way they usually do. Expecting travel to have bumps is hugely helpful because I know one of the hardest things about travel for me with my kids, is I've generally spent a good amount of time and money and energy on it.

And so to some degree, I expect my kids to be perfect, or just to say thank you for a lot of things that they probably don't even wanna do. And when I remind myself, Becky, I decided to take this trip. It's not really for my kids' benefits, because I think it's good long-term, or I wanna do it, but my kids are actually just going to be the same way they always are. My kid who whines is going to whine. My kid who has tantrums is going to have tantrums.

My two kids who often argue with each other are going to have arguments with each other. It actually helps me show up in a much sturdier way. And then those moments actually don't last as long, because I'm not prolonging them with my own frustration. I want to remind each and every one of you that you are capable. You are, as Mike said, a sturdy leader. And the sturdiest pilots don't avoid turbulence all the time. They don't land their plane and say, I feel even better because I did not hit any amount of turbulence. I actually think the sturdiest pilots feel sturdier

after they watch themselves get through turbulence. Wow, look at what I did. I could even handle that. And remember that as you travel and definitely hit turbulence and bumps, that's not a sign that you're not a sturdy pilot. That's actually a sign that you're further building your sturdiness.

Your travel with kids probably looks similar to my travel with kids. Stressful moments, frustration, and also moments of joy and fun and core memory making. You've got this. Ooh, one last thing I wanna add. When it comes to traveling with kids, one of my favorite guides to making it easier is not surprisingly, the Good Inside Guide to Traveling with Kids.

What I did when I wrote this guide is I just thought, what are the five major things that really matter to make vacations with kids a little bit easier? And how can I take those things and turn them into extremely actionable strategies and scripts you can use right away? That's what the guide is. And I want each and every one of you to have it. So whether you're in membership or not, you can get that guide by simply going

to the link in the show notes. Between the tips in this episode and that guide by your side, I have a feeling your next trip is going to feel a little bit more like a vacation. Thanks to Airbnb. Remember, your home could be worth more than you think. Find out more at airbnb.com slash host. Thank you for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com slash podcast, or you could write me at podcast at goodinside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world, and you deserve resources

and support so you feel empowered and confident for this very important job you hold. I'm so excited to share Good Inside membership. It's the first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like-valued parents. It's game-changing and built for a busy parent who wants to make the most out of the few minutes they have. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise.

Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julia Knapp, and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Erica Belsky, Mary Panico, Brooke Zant, and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Sarah Kappelski, Mary Panico, Brooke Zant, and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.