Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Two Parenting Styles, One Family, and Conflicting Boundaries.

Episode Date: March 5, 2024

What do you do if your co-parent parents very differently than you do? What if they can’t tolerate your kids' pushback and hold boundaries in the same way as you? And how do you stop feeling resentful in your marriage? This is such a common parenting problem. Dr. Becky talks to a mom struggling to get on the same page as her partner.Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3UXVDsmFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastTo listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategyToday’s episode is brought to you by Garanimals: Garanimals is the original mix-and-match clothing brand for babies and toddlers in sizes newborn to 5T. Each Kid Pack contains carefully curated tops and bottoms that easily mix and match. Pick any top and any bottom, and voila! Instant outfit. And with up to a month’s worth of outfits in just one box, Garanimals’s Kid Packs take care of a whole lot of outfit planning. You can find all their fun mix-and-match styles from their new spring collection in Walmart stores and on Walmart.com.

So if you're a regular listener, maybe you've read my book, maybe you follow me on Instagram, you might have heard about my journey as a recovering people pleaser. It's true. I used to struggle so much with making a decision that might upset someone else, and I've been on a journey. And now I really consider myself a boundary queen. I love talking about boundaries. I love teaching parents how to set

boundaries, even how to think about boundaries in an accurate and helpful way. And today, this is exactly what we're going to do together. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. Hi, Carmella. Hi, Dr. Becky. I am so excited to be talking with you today. And so how I would love to begin is just give me a little bit of a sense of what's on your mind. And then I also, I like to hold myself responsible for giving very kind of like actionable, specific help. So let me know what's on your mind and let me know what you would love

to end our conversation with today. So I make sure this is useful to you. Sure. So my husband and I are really different kinds of parents, and we have very different relationships with boundaries. So that has created a dynamic with our children where he's very often like the preferred parents. I often find like that there tends to be like a lot more tantrums when he's around, like just bigger emotions, like multiple times throughout the day. When I do then try to like hold boundaries, I feel like less effective after he's been around.

Sometimes he's traveling for work and I find those times to be easier sometimes. So there's this sort of imbalance that's happening and it's resulting in just I feel like a lot of emotional like work for me, which I know is like normal. But how do I navigate co-parenting with somebody who has a much like a looser relationship with boundaries who has a much like a looser relationship with boundaries than I do. And how do I mitigate like the impact that I feel is having on my relationship with my kids? Okay. And you're, you're, you said your kid or your kids? I have two boys. Ages? Three and almost two.

Okay. You are in it. You're in it with those ages. I'm here to tell you it definitely definitely gets easier So I just want to mirror some of that back to you. So you are someone it seems like Like I am kind of comfortable holding boundaries or at least I think it's important to hold certain boundaries If my kid is upset in reaction to those boundaries More times than not I'll feel comfortable to hold it, allow my kid to have their feelings moving on from there. I have a husband who has

a different relationship with boundaries, doesn't hold boundaries in the same way, maybe in the threat of a protest or the face of a protest would shift. My kids get used to two very different styles, and then it also makes things harder on me because even if I'm relatively consistent, the shift with my husband kind of has more blowback on me when I do an all-heeled boundary. Tell me how much of that is accurate or what I missed.

Yeah, that all sounds accurate. OK. And one of the questions on your mind is just like, how do I manage this? How do I mitigate the impact? Because it sounds like right now, things feel pretty bad with these different styles and then how it comes back on you. Yeah. And I do feel like it's having a big impact on my relationship with my older son because he's just like, and he has just such a strong preference for his dad,

but I am like the primary caretaker. And so with my husband coming in and out of, you know, the day or of our routine and stuff, it's like it sends things into like such a chaotic tailspin. One of the most talked about topics when it comes to parenting is this exact issue. What do you do if your partner isn't on the same page as you are about how to interact with your kids?

What if they can't tolerate your kid's pushback and hold boundaries in the same way that you're working so hard to do? What if you then feel resentful and frustrated? This episode will help parents with different parenting styles come together and work together to strike the right balance. We'll be right back.

If you're anything like me, mornings can be a real struggle. Between making breakfast, prepping lunches, and making sure our kids actually brush their teeth, the last thing we have time for is a kid having a meltdown about what they're wearing. This is where Granimals comes in. Granimals is the original, mix-and-match clothing brand for babies and toddlers in sizes newborn through 5T.

They're easy to pair and fun to wear styles, empower kids to dress themselves, boosting their self-confidence and independence. Oh, and making mornings power struggle free for us parents. That is a win-win. You can find all of their fun mix and match styles from their new spring collection in Walmart stores

and on walmart.com. So here's to easier mornings, confident kids and parents reclaiming their sanity. Here's to Garanimals. I just want to pause on that because to put in so much work as the kind of primary mental load carrying day to day parent to also it's work to hold boundaries. That's not usually natural for any of us. And a lot of us do it because we know what's important and it matters, but it's work.

And then it sounds like it's a little bit, maybe this is caricatured, like daddy's home or something like that. Like fun parent is here and I don't know why I'm visualizing like the kids running to the door and like, oh yay, and it can feel, I don't know, it can feel lonely, it can feel sad, it could feel almost like loss in that moment or unappreciated. Is that kind of along the lines of how it feels? Not so much because my husband works from home. So literally like he's coming in and out of like our day. Like, yeah, in a different, so it's not necessarily just at the end of the day.

And so it's a lot of times like, yeah, like because my son thinks like, I'm gonna throw a tantrum and I get what I want. But then, like, you know, my my husband leaves and I'm left with the tantrum. So it has been felt more hurtful in the past. Like, you know, why can't I be the one that, you know, but I don't really like feel that way anymore as he gets older. But yeah, I just kind of like want to make my life somewhat easier or not have everything feel even harder. So let's get into some details. Like, can you share one example

that brings a lot of this to life? He kind of comes in, he drops in, then I'm left with maybe the meltdown or the tantrum. Like just give me an example and we'll use it to jump into some ideas. Okay. Bedtime is a good example. When my husband does bedtime, which like the children insist because when he does bedtime, it's like hours long versus when I do bedtime. But then the children will want to add things to the routine and like he will allow that to happen. So like the latest one is like now they want to sleep with the door open.

And then I want them to sleep with their clothes. So it just then it creates like a huge like meltdown at that time because like this is like now something that he has added to the routine This is like now something that he has added to the routine that makes my life more difficult. That's one example. Like another example is just like at dinner, like, oh, I don't want to sit in my high chair, I don't want to sit in my high chair. Okay, you want to sit on my lap?

And versus my reaction is like, okay, well, I'll wait until you're ready to sit in the high chair and your food's here waiting for you. And let's say there was like, I'm making this up, like a week where your husband was traveling or something. Do you feel like a couple of days of the boundaries you're setting, like you would get to the point where it's like,

okay, now my kids kind of get it. Like, you know, maybe they had a tantrum or something, but then they like understand this is the rule and then they end up coming. But like kind of because that doesn't happen, it sounds like maybe have that week, then it's almost like a lot of back and forth of systems and expectations. Yes, exactly. Everything feels like more possible for them when he's around versus like with me, it's just like, this is the way we do stuff and they're used to that.

And so when he is traveling, like I'm able to keep that consistency, but then when he's around, there's like all these new things that get thrown into the mix. Yeah. Okay, so here's my first thought. Okay. And it's almost like thinking about like how exactly can we move forward or intervene here. My first thought, and just tell me how this lands on you, because it could be totally off and you know you best is, I'm wondering, is this a boundary issue? Or is something not feeling great in the way you and your husband communicate about it? And is that really where we should focus or is that like where the issue is? I mean that definitely could be part of it because I think we had such different upbringings.

So I think he doesn't necessarily think that boundaries are as important as I do because he didn't grow up with many boundaries at all. So I definitely think that it's maybe something hard for him to uphold because he like doesn't necessarily understand the value or value it as much as I do. Yeah. What is it like when the two of you try to talk? So I'm just making this up. Hey, let's talk about what happened earlier. He kind of came out and we have this different rule about, you know, where the kids eat and then you maybe go back to your office and I'm kind of left with the situation. Like what happens when you guys try to talk about it? Is that productive?

Is it not so productive? It's productive in the moment. Like I think his perspective is like, well, it's just one time versus I see it as like, okay, yes, but then it's creating like this sort of ripple effect in other places. So yeah, it's usually like him effect in other places. Yeah, it's usually him diminishing the problem. It's not a big deal. He can sit on my lap one time or whatever. And I'm like, well,

and with the bedtime thing, it's like, well, now they want that every night. It was one night, and now sometimes he does recognize, you're right, okay, I shouldn't have done that or something, you know. But I think it kind of depends on the boundary. Yeah, because look, I think there's a couple of things that play here. So number one, kids definitely have parents often who do things differently, right?

There's often a parent who's more on the side of boundaries, one parent who's more on the side of looseness, one parent who it's helpful to remind one parent, hey, there's rules and routines and kind of please be part of them. And it's also helpful often for another parent to say, hey, sometimes we can let go and, you know, kind of, you know, be looser. There's legitimacy to both. Right? And I think kids often grow up with parents who, you know, fall, you know, one of them is one way and the other one's a little bit the other way, okay? And then there's moments where those systems just clash, right? And what you're saying that really speaks to me is like, I'm kind of off in the one left, cleaning up kind of the mess of

the clashing systems. Yes. And more than different parenting styles, that's pretty awful for you to be like, here's the bedtime routine and here's why we do it. And you're, oh, okay. And then there's a couple of times that we do a different bed routine. It's not just that I don't love that. Now I, for three nights,

have to deal with a different bedtime routine because my husband kind of did his thing. It's not like he's bearing the brunt of his interventions, right? Same thing with the food, right? And I think in a partnership when we're co-parenting, that is the part of differences that feels really bad. And I think separating those two things really matters to say, okay, on one side, there's two parents who have different approaches and different styles. Okay, that's actually fine. It's actually sometimes helpful for kids to see a variety to be adaptable. Okay, that's one thing.

Totally separate from that is, is there one parent who is taking on the brunt of the emotional labor for the parenting differences. And if that's the case, often that parent builds up resentment, that parent feels exhausted, and that's really in some ways the inequity. Does that make sense separating those two to you? Yes, absolutely. And I have conversations with my kids sometimes like, oh yeah, like, you know, Papa does it this way. And Mama does it this way. You know, so they we do like they totally understand that like Papa let's them do certain things, you know, and they get

that. And I totally respect that, that we do have differences and that kids can roll with it. But what you're saying is absolutely true. Like a lot of times, I'm left with like a lot more of the emotional like front of it. Yeah. And the reason I think it's so important to separate it, and this is why I'm asking so many questions up front, is because until we really understand what our issue is, we can't really intervene effectively.

We can't even have effective conversations. At the surface, it's like, wait, you're not holding any boundaries and I'm holding boundaries, but I'm not even sure if that's the thing as much as, okay, then you just kind of in some ways exit the room and I'm like dealing with the problem that in some ways you created, and I wouldn't even mind that you created it

if you were cleaning up, right? But it would be like if we're always in the kitchen and our partner like comes in and spills milk and then leaves and you're like, wait, I'm cleaning up milk, like I didn't spill the milk, maybe one time or two times I do that, but if that's chronic, that doesn't feel good over time.

The issue isn't even really the spilling of the milk. And the fact that you never spill milk. The issue is that you're the one cleaning up the milk, someone else is spilling. Right? Okay. So now that we see it that way, I want to think about the nature of the conversations you have with your partner,

because I think this is really where the intervention is. It sounds like you're already doing something, Carmella, that is so beautiful, and I just want to name it to highlight it, is when kids have parents who have different styles, whether those parents live in the same house, so those parents are separated or divorced, doesn't really matter. It's so helpful for kids to just really have

their parents name that difference. Well, mom, it does it this way, pop, it does it this way. That's really different. Then kids are able to say, oh, yeah, that difference. Well, mom, it does it this way, papa does it this way. That's really different. Then kids are able to say, oh yeah, that is what happens for me. Now I kind of understand my different experience. You're already doing that, that is so beautiful.

The conversation I think we often have with our partners in this situation, and you might not be doing this, but if it wasn't me, I'd probably be doing this because it's just easier and it feels feisty, is like, hey, boundaries are important. It's like a teaching conversation. Boundaries are important and you don't hold boundaries and I do hold boundaries.

And that makes you a good cop and that makes me a bad cop and we have to be on the same page. And I think that conversation isn't effective and again, it doesn't actually speak to the problem. So again, it's not productive either. A very different conversation. I'm just going to model it Carmella to you and then we can talk about it as, hey. You know, I know we've talked about this before, kind of our different parenting styles.

And you know what? I think we've kind of talked about a version of it that isn't really the biggest struggle. And that version is, we do things differently. You're a looser, you're a little lighter about things. I'm a little more routine, a little more boundaries. The truth is there's pros and cons of both. And the fact that we kind of balance each other out

is probably in a lot of ways like a beautiful thing for our kids. Okay, so that's actually not really the issue. The issue more for me that I wanted to share with you because I know as my partner, you know, we're invested in figuring out how we can both feel good as we parent differently. And the issue for me is when you intervene with the kids in a way that's a lot less routine and boundary than I would. It's not that difference. It's the fact that after I feel like I kind of collect

all of the emotional reaction that our kids have in like trying to switch systems. That's basically like they're constantly switching systems. And I wanted to bring that to you because I want to figure out a way that we can almost take our parenting styles and do it in a more complimentary way. There's such a place for this looseness and the, hey, we don't have to do that tonight. And I think I would be a lot more even excited about that if I didn't feel, for example, like, oh, my next three hours are going to be dealing with the meltdown our son is having as I switch systems and you're kind of back in the office. and I'm like, hey, you know, why is this all

unmade? And so I just wanted to talk about that with you because again, we're on the same team. Hey good inside listeners. So sometimes with parenting, a podcast does the trick. And sometimes with parenting, we need a bit more. And I wanted to be sure you knew that we're set up to help you in those trickier times. The Good Inside membership platform is your parenting and psychopedia, coupled with a community of parents and experts you trust, which means that no matter what you're going

through, we've got you covered. And then we take it a step further, because I know that we're people who don't just want to solve a problem and return to baseline. We want to raise our baselines, right? And this is what we really do together, reduce triggers, learn to set boundaries, and access that sturdy leader that I know is inside all of us. It's all there when you're looking for that next step. And until then, please do check out goodinside.com slash podcast. Scroll down to the Ask Dr. Becky section at the bottom and let me know what you want to say? I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going with this. I'm losing it. So, but yeah, I hear what you're saying. Of course, that makes sense as a reaction.

I would give yourself some validation. I do feel like that is a version of my truth. Like, I can't deal with this. I remember working with couples in my private practice. One of the things I do we say to them is, because I remember someone saying, well, I can't say that to my partner that I'm losing it and I can't deal with, because I remember someone saying, well, I can't say that. Like, I can't say that to my partner that I'm losing it and I can't deal with that.

And I say, it's not that you can't say that. And if you want to, you can say that. I'm not going to stop you. But there's many versions of true for how to express what's happening. There's many ways of saying things that are truthful. We don't want to be Pollyanna, but there's many ways of saying things that are truthful and some are effective and some are not. Just that's what it is, right? So, sure, we can say to our partners, like, I can't deal with this anymore. I think if we're honest

with ourselves in getting our needs met, it's just not that effective. And slowing down and saying, okay, well, how am I really feeling? And how do I actually need my partner's help? Like, this is my partner. It's not my enemy, even though sometimes it feels like that right here. They're my partner. And sharing how I'm feeling versus sharing what they're doing is a very, very big difference. And I also think Carmella, it's really important in these conversations to almost validate to our partner that they have value to bring. And I think so many times if we start a conversation that way,

someone's a lot more willing to hear our experience. Right? Like, okay, it is kind of fun. That's when I was like, sit on my lap or we do things this way or we can be looser. Like, the kids love that and I'm very aware. This would be true for me because I have a hard time letting down and that way I'd say, that's actually hard for me. Like, I can be kind of rigid sometimes. And so the fact that I have a partner who letting down and that way I'd say, that's actually hard for me. Like I could be kind of rigid sometimes. And so the fact that I have a partner who isn't like is actually a good thing.

And I appreciate that about you. And that's where there's an and not a but and when it ends up happening literally when you leave the room is I go back to the system that in general I do think is really good for our kids. Like those moments that are exceptions are fun, and then I do think there's a set of expectations, that's helpful. I'm upholding that,

but now dealing with their reactions to inconsistency that you brought. Again, you're not the enemy. Again, we get that some of that is natural, but it's almost like I then am cleaning up, and I'm sure you can imagine too. That doesn't feel great. And then I think you can move Carmella into really like a kind of absurdly practical kind of conversation because I'm sure I'm wondering, okay, what next? Like,

so I would take things. There's like food in the high chair. There's bedtime routine. There's I don't know, let's take another one. Whatever the other one is, you know that. Yeah, he lets my son sometimes begin his office, which is like, of course, what he wants to do. But then I'm like, and then what happens when he can't be in your office? Right, right.

And so. So how often he could be in the office. So I have two really, in addition to this kind of conversation starter, I have two other ideas I want to share. So one is, let's think about all the different iterations of this, you've already named three. And I think we can say to a partner, very like light, in a lighthearted way, there's no exact signs to this,

but can we pick one of these that together we say, we're gonna have the switching of systems? And yeah, I probably am going to take the brunt of some of that emotional labor when you leave. Okay. And we're also going to pick one where we're going to have a lot of consistency. And let's maybe pick the one that's easiest for you. Right? I would say that to my partner. If like, you know, so like, and it's going to take practice, like it's going to take practice holding a boundary around sitting in the high chair

or holding the boundary around the high chair or holding the boundary around the bedtime routine or holding the boundary around the office. But either what would be easiest or what would actually make the biggest impact in your life or I could share which one would just make the biggest impact in my life. But let's just pick one. Because I think it gets so grand, like we need you to hold better boundaries.

I know for me, I'd even be like, I don't even know how I can do that. But if someone tells me, can we just pick one area to start? I think most people could commit to that. And then it's a lot more manageable. How do you think he would take to that? Yeah, I think that would be good. That sounds like very, like action-oriented. And we could have a plan, like, when you, you know, go down to the office, this is the how we're, you know, he can go down there with you on these days, or whatever, certain circumstances, and then, yeah.

Great. I would have a trade-sees. You're like, I'm bargaining for office. Carmela, you might be like, I really want that. He's like, all right, well, I want some inconsistency around food, and you're both like, fine, okay. It could be playful. Okay. The other thing I want to share with you

is one of my favorite couple of strategies with parenting that is so, so powerful and has a lot of levity and can really mix up this dynamic. Okay, because one of the things that happens in any binary and a couple is a binary, anything with two people. It happens a lot in families often when there are two kids, right? And often it's like, well, one is this way and one is this way.

And co-parents, OK, my mom is kind of more rigid and routine and consistent. My dad is more inconsistent and light and go with the flow, right? Is what ends up happening is we kind of just get really split and we end up over years getting even more extreme. We almost say, okay, my husband has all the fun and levity and inconsistency, and I have all the routine and seriousness and consistency. The truth is, the more extreme we get,

not only is it not great for our kids, but it's also really not great for us. Because we get locked into a role that's probably more extreme than even we wanted to be, but we keep having to get more extreme because we think our partner is getting more extreme in the opposite direction, right? And like nobody wins, okay?

So here's what I would do. I would say this to your husband, I would say you can put it on me, it could be like, I don't know if you know this clinical psychologist, like, you know, she said this idea and I thought we could do it, okay? So we're gonna do an exercise. We're gonna pick either 10 minutes or one moment of the day. And we're going to swap roles.

Okay. And so you are going to be the boundary holder and the like kind of like we got to stick to the routine parent. And I am going to be the like, you know what? It doesn't really matter parent and you're actually going to do this and you could pick a scenario. So maybe it's like your kids are watching a show. Okay. And you're like one show and they're like, can I, I want to watch another one or whatever they say. And your husband would come in and, and you have to plan this in advance.

Cause it's going to feel awkward to both of us. He's going to say, you know what guys, we said one. And you know, when we say one, we mean one. Okay. Exactly. It's almost like humorous cause you're like, I literally can't picture him ever saying that. And you're going to come in right after and you're going to say, sweetie, you know what?

It's Saturday. It's okay. You know what, kids? We can watch one more show. We can watch one more show and he can say, what? I thought we were only watching one. You can say, you know what? Sometimes we have to be a little bit more flexible. Okay. And I know it seems laughable and it will feel so awkward and it is staged and it is practiced.

And that is okay. It is awkward. But this does so many things in a dynamic. Okay. First of all, it really gives each of you an opportunity to practice and experiment with the role you're least comfortable with. It also allows your kids to have a double take. They'll be like, wait, what? That's actually really helpful for their kids to see, wait, my dad does have the ability to assert a boundary. My mom does have the ability to see past a boundary once in a while and prioritize fun over anything else.

The whole system benefits because the more you do things like this, now let's say you go back to my first idea, which is okay, there's one area where it's a boundary is being held. And you both agree to that. Let's say it's no kids in the office Monday to Friday, just because that consistency matters. The more your husband has practiced randomly in a joking way, holding a boundary about something that he knows you're going to come in and take away anyway, the more he's actually building the muscle he's going to have to use in the

times when the two of you agreed to hold the boundary. And actually, the same thing for you. It'll give you an opportunity in a moment where maybe there is a moment here and there where you're like, you know what, tonight's a door open night, right? Now, I'm not saying that has to happen or that's right, but there are moments here and there where, you know what, I can probably give in on this and you will have built that muscle too. So you're kind of coming a little closer toward each other, which will end up really helping in those potentially higher conflict moments. Yeah. No, that sounds really good. When you guys go for that, do you

think you would do that? Yeah, I think so. I do. And I think you're absolutely right, like, where I feel myself needing to get, you know, more boundary to make up for the lack of, you know, and it's true, like, I don't want to necessarily be that parent. And so sometimes I lose sight of, like, where, what are the boundaries that I actually need to hold? And that makes so much sense, Carmilla, because furthering this idea of this binary, something I think about a lot, especially in a binary, is there's only 100% of a trait to go around. This could be really helpful to talk about with your husband. So you could say it's almost like we've gotten to the point where I hold maybe 100%, 99.9% of the boundary trait. 99.9% of the boundary trait. You have now held 99.9% of the,

we don't need to hold this, let's prioritize the moment and enjoyment trait. I think you'd say to him, look, the truth is, it's probably at best going to be 80-20. You just have more of a predilection toward that, and I have more of a predilection toward boundaries, but the truth is, and I think you can own this, I would actually like to hold closer to 20% of the fun

and the looseness, I really would. And you can almost say it like, and you're hogging it. And you're hogging it. And like, that's, I want some. And I think you would probably at times even say it would be helpful to hold a little higher percentage of the, you know what, we're gonna have a boundary right now because that actually helps, you know, the night goes smoother,

getting our kids to bed earlier and not taking two hours might help us be able to, I don't know, watch a show or like talk to each other. Like that would be really nice for us, right? And these traits have gotten so extreme. And if there's that idea that there's only 100% of a trait to go around, the more we practice here and there,

we're probably not going to get to 80, 80, 20, but we might get decently soon to 95-5 on each of them. And that actually would be hugely different than 100-0. Mm-hmm, that makes sense. Look, I also just wanna say this struggle is such a common struggle. And so I just want you to know you're absolutely not alone. I think parents around the globe are like nodding

as they hear your story, because it's their story too. And I think we all need strategies and ideas to action on. I also think we all like literally need to have experiences when we know we're not alone, because that like de-shames it too. And I just want you to know that. Thank you. Yeah, I appreciate that.

Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com slash podcast. You could also write me at podcastatgoodinside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world. And parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered, confident, and connected. I'm so excited to share Good Inside membership, the first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like-valued parents. It's totally game-changing. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker

and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julia Knapp, and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Eric Kabelski, Mary Panico, and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle, and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.