Good Inside with Dr. Becky - When Your Kid Drops the F Bomb

Episode Date: July 9, 2024

We can't parent in a bubble and so one day our sweet little children will come home with some not so sweet little words. Myleik Teele is back to chat with Dr. Becky about the moment her five-year-old made the leap from potty words to curse words.Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3KA36HVFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastTo listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategyToday’s episode is brought to you by Airbnb: Before Dr. Becky was a parent, she thought planning a family vacation would be a breeze… until she realized how much has to come together for a trip with two adults and three kids. Then she discovered Airbnb Guest Favorites. No more combing through options, reviews, and features. Guest Favorites are the most loved homes on Airbnb according to other guests. And that peace of mind when preparing for a trip is huge. Using Guest Favorites couldn’t be easier: Just go to Airbnb, add your destination, tap the filters and hit the toggle for Guest Favorites. It’s that simple.Today’s episode is brought to you by Happy Egg: The other day, Dr. Becky realized that so many parents don’t eat their own breakfast. She, herself, often scrapes the bottom of her kid’s half-eaten yogurt container or snags two bites of their soggy cereal while running out the door. She's calling B.S. on this narrative. Parents deserve to eat and enjoy their own food in the mornings! Because she know that fueling her mind and body helps her show up as a sturdier leader for her kids. If you’re looking for ways to up your breakfast game, try making a quick scramble with Happy Egg. These eggs come from small family farms with hens raised on 8+ acres of land. Ready to reclaim breakfast for yourself? You can get 50% off your first dozen by going to happyegg.com/goodinside.

It's scary and I don't know what it is about the F word, you know, it's just like, I can handle some of the others, but I'm like, I feel like the F word and the B word, he just, he hung there for so long. And I'm just like, come on, you know, And then we have grandparents visiting, and we're trying to like, you know, we're trying to be, you're good inside, but also we're trying to prove that we're good parents. What do you do when your kid comes home saying a curse word?

They tell you something they learned on the bus. They tell you something an older kid said to them, and you're just stuck. Do you send your kid to their room? Do you punish them? Do you wash their mouth out with soap like our parents all threatened to do with us? Well, I promise you I have a better, more effective,

and probably initially counterintuitive approach for you. And I'm gonna walk through it all with Miley Teal, one of my favorite people to talk to about parenting topics. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. The other day, I was thinking about how many of us parents don't eat our own breakfast. Do you know how often I've scraped the bottom of my kids' half-eaten yogurt container or snagged two bites of their soggy cereal while running out the door? Well I'm calling BS.

Parents deserve to eat and to enjoy our own food in the mornings, and I know that fueling my mind and body helps me show up as a sturdier leader for my kids. If you're looking for ways to up your breakfast game, try making a quick scramble with Happy Egg. These eggs come from small family farms with hens raised on over eight acres of land. So ready to reclaim breakfast for yourself? You can get 50% off your first dozen by going to happyegg.com slash good inside. Hi, Myleek. Hello, Dr. Becky. So good to be here. So excited for this conversation. And I want to kind of set it up. And then please correct what I get wrong because probably something. But the other day you posted something in the Good Inside community and both what happened

that you posted about feels like something that happens in so many parents' homes. And it's the kind of stuff that freaks us out. And then the way you thought through it and ended up handling it, it just was so striking. So, tell me if this is, you know, an approximate summary. Right? So, your son, five, six? He just turned six. He was five at the time.

Okay. Five at the time. Has been in a, let's say, bad language phase, and I'm not talking the poo-poo pee-pee stuff. No. I'm talking the stuff that will get this podcast a different type of rating. Yes. You know, like an E, right? So I'm talking the F word and the B word. Yes.

Okay. And, okay, let's just say that. I have a five-year-old, he's saying words that raise my eyebrows. Yes. Like, oh my goodness, you heard the F word somewhere, you heard the B word somewhere, you're bringing it into our house, you want to be saying these things. I think we all have the same inclination as a parent. Me too.

Right. Go to your room! What is wrong with you? No TV for a month. And then I, you know, won't even uphold that, but I want to the room. What is wrong with you? No TV for a month. And then I won't even uphold that, but I want to say it. And so this is my understanding of kind of the setup. Now, tell me what did I miss or add a little more color to that. Yeah. So kindergarten, a very exciting year for us. And I'm excited for all that he's

going to learn. And it's just like right behind some new math or some new words. And it was like building over the year of like, what's the S word? I heard the S word. What is it? Then it was like the D word. Is that the S-H or the S-T-U-P-I-D? Yes, S-H. S-H.

Yeah. Okay. Then that one. Then it's like the D word. I mean, it was just, I almost felt like he just wanted to like, he knew, he saw something happen in me when he would like come home with it. So for the entire kindergarten, he knew the letter and then he was learning the word. And when we got to the F word and the B word, I just, this is where I was like, these, I don't, you're five, you're

five years old. And so what I posted in the community is that I said, you know, the F word and the B word, those are just some hard ones for mom. And I don't even want to like, I don't even want to hear. And so he just is quietly writing on a piece of paper. And I don't know a parent that will interrupt a quiet child, just, you know, looking like he's drawing something beautiful. And then he hands me this masterpiece that has like the F-word and B-word beautifully written all over it.

And he goes, a masterpiece. And I've seen this piece of paper. I mean, I don't think I've written the F word or the B word that number of times in my, I don't think I've ever written it. It's not like something I generally write. And in a row, I mean, this is like a full eight by 11 or eight and a half by 11, whatever the computer. And it's just like F word, B word, F word, B word, B word, F word, F word, B word, F word, right? It's just like a- It looks like it could be wallpaper. Like he covered the page. It's like, F word, right? It's just like a... Yeah. It looks like it could be wallpaper. Like, he covered the page.

It's like, dad said, I think that should be our Christmas card this year. I mean, he loved it. And I posted in the community that I was blown away at how I handled it. He hands me the paper, dad looks at me, I look at him. He smiles at us. And it's just like, all right, here we go.

So I know everyone's like, how did you handle it? There is this, I feel like so much can happen in that moment. You see the way your parent would have responded. In that moment, you're like, I see that. You're like, I kind of have my long-term goals in mind. To some degree with curse words, these words are just in the ether. They are.

Kids are all gonna learn them. We just want, we actually want them just to kind of pass by. Like they're just some words, like, and we know, the more you tell a kid, I don't know, you can't have ice cream right now, the more they're gonna want ice cream. So making it forbidden, we know isn't effective, but it feels so hard.

So I don't know if it's initially wrong. You're like, am I not gonna punish my kid? Like it feels so hard. Well, the first thing that came up was basically what I heard is that the minute that your child comes home with a curse word, people are like, well, they must've gotten it from you, right? And so now I'm like, well, it must be me.

And I will tell you, I use curse words, but I hadn't used them around my child. And so I'm like, this is not, I had nothing to do with this. The kids at school, you were always up against the older siblings. Just because it's kindergarten, you know, half the kids have older siblings where they are learning these words. And I just was like, first of all, this isn't an indication of my parenting is what I said, is that my child using curse words doesn't make me a bad parent and I could hear you. It's like, this isn't my grade. I am not being measured by this piece of paper. I felt like how I handled it was the test for me.

It's like, all right, you just got handed. Can you slow that down? Because I think as a parent, I don't know if any of us consciously think, yeah, my kid had a tantrum at a grocery store. My kid didn't say thank you. My kid has a curse word. I don't think consciously we say,

oh, and those moments are a great of my parenting. Those moments are a barometer. But I do think like you, so much of what drives the intensity of our reaction in the moment, I think is to some degree that we think our kid's behavior is a way of saying to everyone, my mom is an F. She's an F. Yes. Or she's a D at least, right? Where, I mean, you can't stop these things from happening.

It's just like, I am not in the kindergarten class. The world is moving so fast. Everything that my child does doesn't show that, this isn't my grade. And so when he started bringing these different words home and then he started to learn how to spell them, and then he was just obsessed. He would want to say them. He would, you know, I feel like I need to, I feel like I need to use

some bad words. And so we designated the basement, you know, he, he would go down there and you could just like hear kind of like footsteps and marching. And then he come back up and say, all right, I'm done. Wow. Well, yeah. And just to unpack this, because I know you and I have actually talked about this in so many ways that have nothing to do with curse words is this difference between an urge to want to do something and then the act of doing that.

And so many of us probably going back to our own childhoods, society in general, they don't separate those two things. Because the truth is, you can have an urge for me, I can have an urge to yell at my husband. As long as I don't yell at my husband, who cares if I have the urge? So in fact, the more we can approach our urges with awareness, without shame, with a little bit of a greeting, oh, I urge to yell at my husband. And if I was able to say to myself, you know what, to my husband, one second, I just need to go into the basement, just say some stuff.

I think we all would kind of applaud me like, wow, what an amazing moment. And so when our kids are hitting, right? It's okay if they want to hit, if they have energy coming out of their hands, hit a pillow, right? But it's okay if our kids want to say some words if they have a place to discharge them. That actually is a very high-level coping strategy and is the opposite of when we say, we say to our kids, you can't say that and now they don't have a way to separate saying it to you, just saying it to nobody in the basement. And the truth is the latter is actually sophisticated

and the former is bad behavior, right? So you were able to really, it seems like start with him. Like even before the F and the B word came, as wallpaper to your eyes, as kind of you started that strategy. So he was already kind of aware, my urge to say these things is different than saying it. In the Black Parents Support Group at Good Inside,

I brought this up. And so I was like, as the words are unfolding over all of the months, we just started talking, the idea that my kid could even, there could be a place for the words without, you know, I'm gonna wash your mouth out with soap or all the different things that we went through, which just like the introduction of the idea that he could go somewhere and say these basements, bathrooms, and so on. And so, I mean, that was a huge step for me. And I even think Dad was looking at me like,

you're really gonna let him do this? And then another strategy, something that we worked through over the months, was me saying, getting the urge, sharing with him. I feel like... I feel like I need to say it. Like, I feel like I wanna say something, but mine is always shut up. Like, Mom Felix, you need to say a word.

Say it, you know? Um, but then I don't. And so, I mean, he's come so far. And even just last night, it's a bad time. And we're, and he's just like, Mom, like, like, he doesn't want to say the words anymore. It was like, it felt like it was a train that was not going to end. And I mean, we went through all of the words and

capped the school year with, he says, is 69 a private number? I'm like, I cannot. What is happening? What is happening in Tinder? Yeah. Well, you know, I think some parents worry, like, is my kid getting exposed to things that aren't doing my home, but I kind of, I don't know, I think some parents worry like, is my kid getting exposed to things that aren't doing my home, but I kind of, I don't know. I always think like your whole life with your kid, they're going to be exposed to things that happen in your home unless you lock them in your home. And so you have these early moments where I think what you said is so beautiful. Like my job is how I react. So what's going to set my kid up in

the long run to be able to manage the situation, to be able to manage other things that they hear in life that aren't really within our value system, but they will inevitably be exposed to unless I'm keeping them on lockdown forever, which I know is not your MO nor is it most parents. Right. Yeah, no, it's just, it's going to happen. And I was, it's just like, I wonder, I have other friends, like, what's happening in your class? And this does seem like we're moving really fast here. But then there's a part of me that wondered, might other kids know, but is my son just comfortable

sharing everything with me because he knows that I'm not going to have a fit, you know? Even when he brought the private number and I was just like... No one in your class needs to be worried about it for now. Yeah. And I think parents worry, well, okay, if I let my kids say a word in the basement, I don't want my kid to be the one on the bus as a kindergartener. But I don't know about you, Myleek, I'm curious. I have found completely the opposite. Now, let me be clear. It's not like we're throwing parties with the B word and the D word in my family and we're just like spraying

it around. But when I actually see, if you think about the basement, you're literally saying, you have an urge. You want to say these things, you're curious. Your job as a kid is actually to be curious, right? So let me help you contain the discharge. Like, you want to say those? Cool. Go do it over here. Now, first of all, it's contained. It's also just something less rebellious about it. You're like, oh, my mom's going to let me say this word in the basement. I no longer think it's that cool to spread around the bus.

And I actually found my kids really understand what they can talk to me about and learn about or kind of discharge in a certain way in our home and are less likely to then kind of spread that around. Completely. Completely. I think my son knows, you know, I think he wants to bring these things to me, figure out how he can work with them or not.

But I told him, we don't use these things at school. We don't say these to other kids. It's okay if you know them." And something else I shared in the community a few days after the wallpaper incident, he says, you want to know why I like knowing bad words, Mom? And I mean, he just says this out of nowhere, and I'm so curious. Yeah, he goes, I feel more confident knowing these things.

And I'm just thinking to myself, wow, of course he does, you know? I don't need to use him, but he's just like, I feel confident just knowing. He didn't want to be in the, you know, not in the know. That's it. I think so much of the stuff we see peer to peer, I don't know, I guess my most generous interpretation is kids are curious.

We want them to be curious. The last thing we want to do is take away their desire to learn about things in the world. I don't know, I guess my most generous interpretation is kids are curious. We want them to be curious. The last thing we want to do is take away their desire to learn about things in the world. And the things that aren't explained to us, we usually do use our actions to try to learn more. So the kids who are saying it over and over on the bus or saying it for impact power, they're trying to get people's reactions.

I actually bet if those kids in their home, if their parent is like, hey, yes, that is a word. Okay. And yes, like it can have power and impact. But here's the thing. You can say that word in our house in this way. And I actually want to go over a whole other kind of group of ways that you can also have impact and power and are just going to lead to safer, better decisions with your peers that don't end up leading into the principal's office. So, right, because actually you're inquiring to the why. You know now your son is in the stage of life, like honestly a lot of five and six year olds, especially around kindergarten, are trying to figure out their place in the world and how do I feel confident and how do I feel powerful.

And actually when you know the core need, you can then play around with other ways to get that need met with your kid, whereas when you say, go to your room, it's so ironic. You never figure out what it's about, so you can't figure out other ways to help them, and you just make it more likely that they have to act it out to try to figure out whatever they were looking to kind of learn or play around with in the first place. It's like totally backfires in all ways. Before I was a parent, I thought planning a family vacation would be a breeze, until I realized how much has to come together for a trip with two adults and three kids. We need to pick a destination, research activities that somehow work for a tween and a first

grader, find a place big enough for all of us to stay, and the list just goes on. Then I discovered Airbnb guest favorites. Real talk. My to-do list was cut in half. No more combing through options, reviews, and features. Guest favorites are the most loved homes on Airbnb according to other real guests, and that peace of mind when preparing for a trip is huge. Using guest favorites couldn't be easier.

Just go to Airbnb, add your destination, tap the filters, and hit the toggle for guest favorites. It's that simple. ["Dreams of a New World"] This is a tough one though, because even when I share, you know, this with people, it's like, oh no, he's writing this. He knows these words, you know. What does that say about you? What do you think they're worried about? The fear. I mean, I think for a lot of us, it's like your kid growing up.

I feel like there's something about curse words, swear words that feel like the gateway to so many other things. You know, it's like, yeah. We've uncovered the fear. My kindergartner is out of a drug problem. No, but I think we're laughing because because to some degree, we fast forward. You do. It's like, well, if he talks like this, he's gonna just, you know, be somewhere,

you know, he's hanging out at bars. He's, I don't know, he's five, and I've shot so far into the future. Um, and it's just, it's scary, and I don't know what it is about the F word, you know? It's just like, I can handle some of the others, but I'm like, I feel like the F word and the B word, he just, he hung there for so long.

And I'm just like, come on, you know? And then we have grandparents visiting and we're trying to like, you know, we're trying to, we're trying to be, you're good inside, but also we're trying to prove that we're good parents. Totally. Please, like, chill for these couple days. Yeah, he said, he did a word, but it was like more,

grandma's very religious, and I think he said something, and he was like, sorry, grandma. So he knew. He knew that there are people who cares. But I think the big idea and what I felt so good about is that, you know, I think that Grandma's launching into people who aren't smart say these words, and you're not that intelligent,

and he doesn't believe that to be true for himself. And so, he just, I love that he is like, these are words, and they are not, they don't color who I am because he is like, these are words and they are not, they don't color who I am because I know them. Or if someone uses them, I am not not smart or whatever it is, you know, we say. And so he knew, okay, we're working on this, but please don't do this when my parents are here, you know?

And he was cool about it. But you know what's interesting? That's not a coincidence, right? Because the way you approached it from the start was not shaming, it was actually very connected. And you were trying to figure out boundaries around it too, which you did. And we know when that's the case,

our kids are more likely to cooperate when they in general feel connected to us. So that's the irony. You don't want your kids to say these things in certain situations. And so we think, so I'm going many come down super harshly. I actually think that makes it more likely for it to come out in those situations. Because number one, they're just have that curiosity drive. Number two, they feel really pushed away and kind of shamed.

And when we feel like that, we have no desire to cooperate with the person who's asking us to like throw them a bone and just make us look good when our parents are listening. Right? Right. Yeah. So I was, you know, and dad's in the car. His dad, who I was shocked, he got on board and was like, okay, before they went to the airport, he's like, say everything you need to say in the car right now. Get it out.

Do you know when I use that all the time? It just jogged my memory. So whenever we go to another family, or to a restaurant or something, still, and my kids are six, nine, and 12, they're not even that little anymore. I was like, oh, what's it gonna be like if the pasta they serve us isn't like our pasta? What's it gonna be like when they're like,

hey, do you eat this? And you're like, ew, I don't eat that. Like, let's just get out all of our, and my kids in the back would be like, ew, that's disgusting. And oh, do you have chicken nuggets instead? And can I just get pasta with butter? Like all this stuff that is apparent

and probably you're like, oh. Right, right. But actually this like getting out, right? Yes. You know, I think in the world of creativity, they say that there's like this faucet metaphor that you actually have to write over and over to get out your bad ideas or create

and get out your bad ideas. The best ones are behind and a lot of people stop, right? But actually the process of like creating leads to the best ideas. Like you just got to like clear the faucet. But I think that's what we're saying here. Like actually inviting kids in, like get it out. Like what if all of the good cooperative behavior is behind all the B words and the F words and the whining. And you're like, if you invite it in first. I actually think that's, it's like the same thing.

Yeah, I don't, this whole sort of like bad word moment, I do feel more connected with my son, you know, I think because he knows that he's been around other kids and he knows he sees the other reactions and the teachers and, you know, all of this, and to know that, even sometimes, because he'll call me a parent, you know, even the way that he feels about me

and that, you know, he can trust me. I feel like he, like, I'm cool, we're together in this. And so, I feel like some of the behavior, you know, has gotten a little bit, you know, some of it is just the becoming a person in kinder. But this whole sort of like bad word moment was like the test. And I don't know, I feel good about how I handled it. And I even think Dad, who was just like, come on,

I think he's, we're sort of on the other side of it, where every blue moon he'll say, like Amazon was supposed to send something and it was like, it'll be there by tomorrow and then tomorrow, then tomorrow. And he said, I just need to go. I just need to go say a word. But that, like what I really want parents to know is our ability at any age to say, I want to go somewhere and say a certain word. Or like, honestly, if you think about all these adult moments, like, I'm noticing I have the urge to say something really mean to my friend. I'm noticing I have the urge to, I don't know,

sabotage this person at work. As soon as you notice your urge, that urge won't convert into destructive action. The destructive action, like sabotaging a colleague at work, that's not great. Saying something nasty in a group text, just because I feel left out in the moment, not great. But having the urge to do that as human, having the urge to sabotage your colleague, who knows what's happening,

but I'm guessing it's understandable to some degree. And when you can separate those two, the best it ever gets is not, quote, not having the urge. The best it gets is having an urge and seeing it and being able to pause. And what you're modeling and what you're building as a skill and a muscle so early is that exact ability. And so no wonder you felt like a rock star because his ability to say, oh, this Amazon

package isn't coming one second. I got to say some of those words. I mean, I don't know what a kid can learn academically in school that sets them up for life success as much as that specific skill. He has it at five. I mean, that's amazing. I mean, thank you. Crushed it.

Let's... Yeah. No, I think about you. I think about you in these moments of like, okay, here comes the bad word, and it's just like, I don't need to be afraid, and this is not how my parenting is being measured. You know what I mean? It's just like... What are the skills that I have, you know? And it's like connection, relationship first, okay.

And let's just, I don't know, it's making room for these moments, knowing that they will pass. But I say this as a parent who also did feel like, oh my God, what kind of drugs will you be doing if you know the F word and B word at five? You know, I'm right there. Yes. I also think just one last thing I want to touch on because I know this word resonated with both of us around how you handled this. Was not only is this moment not a barometer of my parenting, but kind of the trust, the trust you had in your parenting, the trust you had in having a little bit of time, right?

In these moments with our kids, when our kid says, brings us a curse word, or you think about this moment where like you're leaving your friend's house and your friend had like the two of you over for a while, I don't know, and your kid doesn't say thank you. I don't know about you, but for me, definitely, like in that moment, it feels like everything

is like a vortex. Like, my kid has to say thank you right now and I feel mortified and like I have blinders on or my kid is about, has this curse word and there are only five and I'm just thinking about the widening of the lens and the feeling your feet on the ground that happens with this idea of either like I trust my parenting or I think I once said to you like I do like I trust my parenting more than this one moment or I have time. How did that play into it too?

I think that's something, a skill that I've built over time is that, I mean, this whole curse word thing has been the whole kindergarten year. It wasn't just a day, but just knowing that I have some time to figure this out and I don't need to, once the word landed, I didn't immediately go to like, oh, you can say it in the basement or the bathroom, you know? I didn't... That wasn't my first thought. It was just like, okay. I just kept thinking, what next?

And so, all right, this is where we are. And then, but I just, I didn't panic. And I trusted, like you said, to give it a little bit of time. And then once I just said, all right, let's designate places for the word. And then, I don't know, I just, I felt good about it. And even if we've had other parent friends who are like, you're doing that and it's like, I'm doing that. I'm doing it. You're doing that. And I think it's the opposite of that fast forward error. I know it's like, you're doing that and it's like, I'm doing that. I'm doing it. You're doing that. And I think, you know, it's the opposite

of that fast forward error. Like just, I know it sounds humorous, but just to say to ourselves, like, like it's not using drugs right now. It's not happening right now. And it's not 2040. Right. Right.

I actually use this in myself all the time. It's like a real internal family systems idea that like we do have to ground our body back in today Like our body does fast forward or a body is in the past in our own childhood either way. It's like wait It's 2024. I have a five-year-old He's a good kid. I know that he's playing around with curse words and It's probably one of many times. He's gonna bring me something that doesn't quite feel appropriate. And I trust my parenting. I trust that I have some time. This is not an emergency. Your body in that tunnel vision moment is going to try to trick you into thinking it's an emergency, probably because it fast forwarded. And now instead of responding to

your five-year-old, you're responding to your 35-year-old, you have to like bring to, you know, rehab, you know, again, not happening. Or your mind rewinds and you're back at a moment when you were a kid and that would have been something super dangerous with your parents. And so your body is feeling those feelings. But just say, this is not an emergency. And I do find that those words like, I trust my parenting and for any parent here, don't trust my parenting. That's something we can help you with, you know, like, I trust my parenting. And for any parent here, don't trust my parenting. That's something we can help you with. You know, like, that's okay. So now we actually recognize the

issue probably isn't your kid's language. It's probably that you don't actually feel equipped to manage the situation. But at least we have clarity there. And you have time. We have time. That doesn't mean permissiveness. That doesn't mean turning a blind eye. But even if my kid doesn't say thank you in this moment, like, okay, so what would I have to teach them? What would I have to practice to have manners? What can I simulate? How can I play around with that?

And I don't have to prove it like in this exact one moment. That was before I know my son at the end of a soccer game recently, he felt like they were playing too rough. And so at the end, when they do the team good game, he refused to give anybody. He refused to shake hands, and the coach of the other team like reached for his hand and he like moved his whole body. And dad's just like, oh my gosh.

It's embarrassing as a parent. It's like, there's, he's not, sportsmanship. I'm like, I said to him, it's okay. There'll be more games. This is his first time not doing it. So for me, I'm like, what was it about that that made you not want to shake hands? And let's talk about that.

He's like, they were playing dirty. And I'm like, okay. So like you said, now this is something that we can work on. I now know this. Now before the soccer game, we can talk about what we might do if we feel they are playing dirty or would we shake hands? What can we do so that you still trust yourself too,

you know, and what you feel? And just to name it, because I can picture it, what's the urge in that moment? You want to go over to your kid and do what? Just articulate it, because I want to do, what's the urge in that moment? You want to go over to your kid and do what? Just articulate it. Because I want to make him do it. I mean, it's like all the parents are watching and it's like, come on, this is not even a real game. Like you're five, you know, like. I mean, your son is really good at soccer. I've seen him. So he's I mean, I know, I know, but in my mind, I'm just, you know, it's just like, come on, you can do

this. And it's just like, I think all of a sudden, you know what I see, Becky, is like these like thought bubbles going up over every parent's head about how horrible I am. And I'm like, what am I wearing? Like, do I look like a parent whose kid would shake hands today? And I'm like... I'm looking at your shirt, you kind of do look like that kind of parent. You know, it's just, I keep saying, oh my God, it's like,

my like, pop the thought bubbles, shirt, you kind of do look like that kind of thing. I keep saying, oh my God, it's like my leak popped the thought bubbles because I started making up stories of what they think about me and now I'm trying to smile and overcompensate. I've got extra snacks, guys. Can I tell you about a story when my kid had amazing sportsmanship last week? Let me just tell you that story. Yes. So. I mean, and just to articulate it for me, like what I have, because I want everyone to

know this, it goes back to urges and the difference between an urge and an action. Like my urge in that situation with my son, okay, would be to pull him to the side and I'd get this super intense, but very low volume voice. Okay. And I'd probably say, what is wrong with you? Do you see everyone shook hands, but you, you're being so nasty just because the game didn't go the way you wanted.

Okay, I can say it because I hear that voice. It's the first voice. If anyone thinks the first voice in my or your head is, oh, good, I trust my parenting. Like, no, no, no, that is not the first voice. That is a practiced second, third, fifth, distant at first voice that though you can pause and start to hear if you don't immediately act on that urge.

And the irony for, I mean, first of all, it's going to feel awful to me. I'm going to know like that didn't feel good. It's going to awful for my son. By the way, it is not going to get him to shake a hand. All he's going to do is freeze. And the next week he's going to be less likely because first of all, I never figured out why, so I can never get to the core of the reason.

We can't fix a problem. We don't understand. And now he's going to go into the game with this idea next week of, I'm a bad kid. I'm this nasty kid. Well, now I've just built up the very identity I wanted to help him work away from, like how counterproductive. And so I don't know if I've said this to you, but like I think the most underutilized parenting strategy

in tough moments is what I call in a sophisticated way, doing nothing. It's just, that's it. It's just, I call it, it's like active restraint. I'm actively choosing. No, like cause parents say all the time, so are you just going to do nothing? No, no, I'm not just going to do nothing.

I am choosing the strategy of doing nothing. It's very different because I have a long-term goal in mind. And that's what like really sturdy leaders do in companies, anywhere. Is there like, this is not the right time for an intervention. It doesn't mean I'm not going to intervene. And again, I trust my parenting. I trust I have a little bit of time. No one's open heart surgery right now.

No one's dying on the table. I can figure this out. Yeah. And I asked about the not shaking hands like a week later. Dad was there. I mean, it's like, all right, what was that about? And then when he told me, I said to him, that makes sense. If you felt like people were kicking you, I mean, who would then want to shake hands after? And this is his first time. So we're learning. And like you said, doing nothing. It's not urgent.

We don't need to solve it all today. Just filing it away. I have time. Yes. I love that so much. Any last words of wisdom? Any curse words you want to get out? You're going to do it in your basement.

Maybe no. No, no, I mean... That would be a good ending. I think, you know, I met you when my son was three years old, and I told you I had tried everything. And having these skills or tools, and I think one of the things you told me is just like, if you feel like you can't do anything, stay calm.

And that was what I leaned on when the curse words came in, one of the things you told me is just like, if you feel like you can't do anything, stay calm. And that was what I leaned on when the curse words came in, you know, in these moments of just like, stay calm, and then I have time. And so leaning on the community, talking with other parents, um, spending some time brainstorming ideas that feel good to me. Where I'm like, you know, the basement feels fine to me, the bathroom feels fine to me.

I don't know. And then it's just like, I feel like if I can, if I can write a way where my five year old hands me the F word and the B word, it's like, what can I do next? You know? So I'm grateful, grateful to have met you be in the community. And I wish this for more parents because this can feel so much heavier and so much harder than it has to be at the time. I completely agree. Well, I love being on this journey with you of elevating parents and like parents, you know, when I think about all the work that's done in the world and all these different domains and how underserved parents have been,

even though, even with the mental health crisis among kids, no one's saying maybe we should finally like say parenting matters parents deserve Resources well you and I are sounding that alarm and bringing a lot of people along with us and we're gonna change the world So let's keep going. Thank you Today's episode is in partnership with Airbnb and Happy Egg. Thank you for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com slash podcast, or you could write me at podcast at goodinside.com.

Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world, and you deserve resources parentingisthehardestandmostimportantjobintheworld. And you deserve resources and support so you feel empowered and confident for this very important job you hold. I'm so excited to share Good Inside membership. It's the first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like-valued parents.

It's game-changing and built for a busy parent who wants to make the most out of the few minutes they have. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julia Knapp, and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Erika Belsky, Mary Panico, Brooke Zant, and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.