Good Inside with Dr. Becky - When Your Kid Is Rejected

Episode Date: March 29, 2022

Your child tells you, "No one played with me on the playground today." You find out they’re the only one not invited to a sleepover. They come home one day and say, “My best friend has a new best friend.” What do we do in these moments? In this week’s episode, Dr. Becky follows-up on her episode about Tricky Friendship Moments to answer your questions about when *your* kid is the one being rejected. She explores how to build a safe foundation so your kids feel comfortable coming to you with difficult experiences. Then, she walks through practical scripts and strategies to help them feel less alone in these experiences—including her three all-time favorite parenting lines. For more on peer dynamics, listen to “She Can’t Play with Us” and Other Tricky Friendship Moments wherever you find your podcasts: Apple Podcasts: https://apple.co/3JRleL6 Spotify: https://spoti.fi/3iGD33R Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3cqgG2A Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Order Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books. For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast

You're listening to Good Inside with Dr. Becky. I have so many ideas, strategies, and scripts to share with you right after a word from our sponsor. Hey, Sabrina. Hey. So I've been thinking about toys recently. I don't want the toy to do that much of the work. I want the toy to inspire my kid to do the work.

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your order. Melissa and Doug, timeless toys, endless possibilities. Hi, I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle

and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain good inside. This episode is a little bit of a follow-up to a different episode, which is episode number 38 entitled She Can't Play With Us and Other Tricky Friendship Moments. Here's one of the things I love about this community. After that episode came out, many of you reached out and said, huh, that episode was all about how to approach your child who rejects other kids. What about helping your child who is rejected by other kids? We could really use some strategies to cope with those tricky situations.

Thank you for speaking up, you spoke up, you left voicemails, and now I am going to share so many different ideas and strategies about that side of peer dynamics. This truly is the best community in the world. You speak up, you tell me what you want, and as a result, we can co-create important episodes together. So with that in mind, let's jump in. I'm Dr. Becky. Our first caller is Emily. Hi, Dr. Becky.

My name is Emily. I'm calling from the Boston area. My kid is only two. So he hasn't had any experiences yet of being excluded or rejected by his peers. But I'm actually calling with memories of my own experience as a child. We moved across the country when I was turning eight and I was immediately rejected and excluded in my new school. But I never told my parents and I'm pretty sure they never knew. school, but I never told my parents and I'm pretty sure they never knew. I think at the time I was aware that they were anxious about my happiness and I wanted to please them and

make the move easier for them. So I just never told them that I remember crying myself to sleep at night. As a parent now, I wonder, you know, how would I find out if my caregiver rejected an excluded if they were sensitive enough to realize that That might feel like sad news to me and they didn't want to share Thanks so much Hi, Emily first and foremost. I wanted to share that I am so sorry. You are alone with such tough feelings Feeling left out feeling feeling excluded, feeling rejected is literally a feeling of aloneness and then to feel alone in your family system around your

experience of aloneness. Well it just makes it that much harder. So I think it would be really really powerful if when you have a moment, you imagine you today walking into that girl's room, knocking on her door, saying I can tell something's going on, I want to hear about it because I'm guessing there's a part of you that still would want connection and presence around those really, really hard experiences. Now, you ask a really, really important question. How do we set the stage for our kids to share tough feelings with us? What can we do to increase the likelihood that when our kids are excluded, they tell us when our kids are going through a tricky situation, when they're 16, they come to us

instead of hide it from us. Well, there are so many things we could talk about that can't all fit into this episode, but I'll share some starting thoughts and I have three main things to talk about first. we want to show our kids that we're more invested in their experience than in how their experience impacts us. When we do this, we essentially tell our kid, you can always talk to me about the things that are hard for you. I will pay attention to your feelings instead of becoming overwhelmed by my feelings about your feelings. Because when we become overwhelmed with our own feelings about our kids' feelings, that is something our kids feel and then Emily, what you said is what plays

out. Our kids notice it's really not safe to share certain things with my parents. So how can we show our kids that we're more invested in their experience than and how their experience impacts us? There are so many different examples, but let's take a common one. Your child says to you, I hate you or your two-year-old has a major tantrum in public. When we're more invested in impact on us, we say things like this. That hurts my feelings when you say that to me or stop your embarrassing me.

When we are more invested in our kids' experience, we say something like this in the I hate you situation. Whoa, okay, I need a moment. I need a deep breath. Wow, you must be really upset about something. To say that to me. Let's figure that out. I really care about what's happening to you.

Or the tantrum in public. We say, you're having a hard time. I'm going to pick you up and take you to a quieter area, we'll get through this together. What does a child learn in these situations? My parent can tolerate hard feelings. My parent is looking at my experience, not at their experience of my experience. Second idea. Let's talk about hard things that our kids notice early on. This says to a kid, in our relationship, we can talk about hard feelings. Here's

a couple examples. I know you overheard me and your father arguing. We were using loud voices. I'm sure that felt scary. Tell me what that was like for you. Something totally different. Yes, you just noticed a person sleeping on the street, a person who doesn't have a home. What's that like to see? Or I'm not going to be here when you get home from school today. I wanted to make sure you know that, even though I know that's not what you want and though I know that might feel upsetting. I want to be honest with you always, even when things feel tough.

Third example, it feels silly to say that there's three powerful lines in parenting that help our kids feel safe talking to us, but I also kind of feel like it's true. So I want to share those lines with you. I'm going to say them and then show you how you would use them, especially as your child gets older. First line, I'm so glad you're sharing that with me. 2. You really know you feel that way. 3. Tell me more. My child comes home and says, I wasn't invited to Julia's birthday party. I have no friends.

Instead of, oh, I'll make you a plate-eight that day or you have lots of friends. I'm so glad you're sharing that with me. It's so important. My child is upset and they say, you're really upset. You really know you feel that way. Tell me more. What these lines do is they really communicate to a child. The part of you that feels upset,

the part of you that gets overwhelmed, the part of you that has tough things happen. I can connect to that part. I'm interested in that part. I can tolerate those feelings and I feel close to you when. I'm interested in that part. I can tolerate those feelings and I feel close to you when you're having those feelings. Those feelings lead to a secure attachment and connection, not to judgment or a quick solution or me distancing myself. This really sets the stage for your child as they get older to think of you as the person they connect to

when they're struggling instead of as a person that they need to avoid talking to when they're struggling. Our second caller is Erica. Hi Dr. Becky. My name is Erica. I have a 15-month-old daughter and I have a newly-sic-year-old daughter. My six-year-old can be a guard in this year and we've had two tricky situations happen. One last year when she was in preschool where a little girl that she played with quite often from her preschool class told her one day on the playground that she didn't want to play with her ever again and she wouldn't be her friend anymore. My daughter was obviously very upset when she came home from school and shared this with me and she just kept asking why, why,

would this other little girl say this to me? I did my best to explain that maybe that little girl was having a hard day. I knew that she had a new baby brother at home and maybe that she was just feeling stressed and I tried to explain that as best I could to my daughter. Of course, the next day they played together and everything was fine, but I still felt sort of helpless in that situation. I didn't quite know what the right thing to say was. And then this year in kindergarten, her best friend and her class pulled her one day that she couldn't play puppies on the playground

with her and two other girls. And my daughter was confused since this is the little girl she plays with the most. And in that situation, I did my best to explain, but if this little girl is friendly and kind to her most of the time, then she's probably still a great friend, and we just have to forgive people when they make a mistake and have a rough day, and she hasn't made mistakes too. But again, I was kind of feeling like I was digging down in the well, and I couldn't quite find the right words to say.

So I would love your guidance on when, what to say when my daughter is feeling rejected by friends, not just other kids that she doesn't play with often, but actually friends that she does play with and connect with on a regular basis. Thank you so much. Hi, Erica. First and foremost, I just want to tell you that I can hear in your voice how much you care about your daughter and how you really want to support her in all of this. And I just want to tell you how I can totally feel that from you in your voice. And that just says so much about the kind of parent you are. So to me, the first question is really, what does a child need when they feel rejected?

When your child comes home and says, no one played with me at the playground. When your child comes home and says, I'm the only one not invited to the sleepover. When your child comes home and says, this person says, I'm a loser. What do they need? Our kids need to feel not alone in their experience.

Being rejected by peers is a moment of total aloneness. It feels like you're falling into an abyss because you don't have a friend right next to you. Being rejected by someone on the playground actually doesn't feel as bad if you have a friend who says, don't say that to her, you can't say that to him. That's my friend. You're being a bully. That is still something you'll probably hear about when your child comes home, but not in the same way.

The reason our kids come off the bus in a puddle of tears telling us something awful that happened is because of the aloneness of what happened. I want you right now, Erica, to picture your child in some type of actual little hole. Like a little hole in the ground, it's the whole of peer rejection. And now I want you to actually imagine the difference between putting your hand in and yanking her out, versus seeing her and jumping in with her.

When you jump into that feeling with your child, you do something so powerful. You really say to them, this feeling that feels so awful to you is survivable. It's survivable because I'm jumping into it with you. And so you know I'm not scared of it. Now, the feeling also feels so bad because you are there right next to your child. When you try to pull a child out, which is kind of the equivalent of saying, we don't like that person anyway, or you can get different friends, or she didn't mean it.

The next time our child feels rejected, they remember that nobody was in that hole with them. That aloneness still remains. We want our kids to feel our support. And when they feel our support, they can come out of those feelings on their own. They kind of feel bolstered to climb out of that hole. Okay, let's put this all into practice. I want to go over those lines I just shared with Emily because I can imagine you saying them, almost line for line with your daughter when she tells you about something someone said to her

that was mean. Start with these words. I am so glad you're talking to me about this. Or a different version of that is, I'm so glad you came to me with this. This is the exact kind of stuff I want to be talking to you about. This is so important. What would happen next? You really know how bad that felt. I believe you. I believe you. Our words, all of us, should be saying more often to our kids. When our kids get those

words from us, they stop the spiral of, am I crazy? Did I feel this too big? Would someone else have felt this way? They feel so validated. And then, tell me more. Specific questions are actually really helpful when you're hearing these story to kids, because it really infuses your supportive presence back into the story where they felt alone. What does that mean?

Where were you on the playground when that happened? Oh, the bench, the one at the top of the hill, or the one at the bottom of the hill. Oh, one at the bottom of the hill. And who else was there? Oh, those kids were there. You're really getting into the story. It's almost like your child now has you, the supportive parent, with them to feel less alone in the memory. One other thing comes to mind, Erica, about this.

Sometimes our kids aren't really looking for answers to the questions they ask, but rather the questions are please to help them with their underlying feelings. And the question, why would she do this? Why would she say that? It really feels like that type of question. I don't really think your child is looking for an explanation, but when I hear a kid say, why would she do this?

Why would she say this? I feel like I translate those words into, mom, it felt so bad. Mom, that felt so awful. Mom, I've never felt so alone, so embarrassed. And so when your child says, but why would she say this? I would take a deep breath and say,

I'm not exactly sure about the why. We can keep thinking about that, but sweetie, I think you're letting me know that it felt so bad. Not normal bad, but like huge bad, you're letting me know that it felt so bad. Not normal bad, but like huge bad, like as huge as this whole room. Maybe as huge as this whole house. Whoa, as huge as our whole neighborhood. And then I think you might see Erica how we can even go back to some of those lines.

As big as this whole neighborhood, I believe you. I know how bad it feels to have things said to us by friends that feel awful. I believe you, and again, I'm just so glad we're talking about this. Let's hear from our final caller, Kate. Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Kate, and I live in Upstate, New York. I have two kids, one boy who is 10 and one girl who is 7. And my daughter is 7, like I said, and she has a really great couple of good friends.

It's usually the 3 of them, so my daughter and two other girls, the same age, they get along separately, amazingly. When all three of them are together, there always seems to be a situation where the two other girls will reject my daughter. They will try to pair up and go off and do something else. They will not include her in what they're playing with. And always, my daughter is very sensitive. She ends up getting very upset. It always turns into something. So I'm just looking for some sort of strategies to help her through the situation, to understand

she's not doing anything wrong, you know, and that it doesn't mean that her friends don't like her. Because I know they do. I know that they do when they are with her separately. They play so, so well together. And a lot of times when the three of them are together, they're playing fine. But it seems inevitable.

There's always a time when she becomes rejected. So thank you so much. I really look forward to hearing your response. Hi, Kate. I'm taking a deep breath. Just thinking about group dynamics, about friendship, about what it's like to have an individual friendship, what it's like to be with that friend and other friends about the energy in a group, about the potential to feel left out in a group. I think so many of us even find these things difficult to traverse as adults.

And I think a lot of us remember how hard group dynamics were as kids. So just want to start out saying, yeah, it's tricky to manage relationships in a group setting. A couple ideas for how you can help your daughter. I think first, normalize how tough group dynamics are and speak about it in your own life. This really sets the stage for your child to feel safer and more open with you because they don't feel alone in this struggle. I could see myself saying something like this to my daughter. It can be tough to me in a group, right? I mean, I don't know about for you. I just, I know it is for me. I mean, I could be with one of my friends and I feel like I'm

getting attention. We're having a good conversation. We're having fun. And I feel like, wow, we're really good friends. And then we're in a group with a bunch of people. It's like, what? Like, why am I not getting the same attention? Why is that person getting more laughs? Why is no one doing what I want to do? Why does no one want to sit next to me? I wonder if it ever feels like that for you. Now, I don't expect my daughter to look at me and say,

Mom, thank you for opening up such a meaningful conversation. Yes, actually it does, and I've been waiting to talk to you about this. No, that doesn't happen. I am through my own story, normalizing something. And I'm helping my child get closer to a place where they might speak about it to me, where they might even be more specific about what happens because I was willing to kind of go first and join in that same type of problem. Second idea, help your child predict in advance. What group play dates might be like? So again, if this was my child, I could imagine not right before, but maybe it's

the day before, much earlier in the day, just saying, I wonder what's going to be like when all of you are together. And I know sometimes it can start out great, and then, well, someone ends up feeling left out, someone cries, someone says something hurtful. No one's in trouble here. Just what might it be like? You might go further. Hmm, what's gonna happen when you're all playing that game together? Who's gonna go first? Who's gonna sit next to who?

What's gonna happen if you want to sit next to one of your friends? And they're already sitting next to someone else. What's gonna happen if two of your friends are, I don't know, like telling a secret to each other and they say to you, sorry, we can't tell you what I'd that feel like. Again, by talking about these moments in advance, I'm normalizing them and I'm actually maximizing the likelihood that we can think through this together. Now, if you're thinking, okay, what if my child says it's going to feel bad? What do I do with that? Don't underestimate the power of just saying, yeah, that would feel really bad for me, too.

I'm glad we're thinking about this together. Because just by predicting that, you're actually pre-regulating some of the feelings because once again, we're removing that awful feeling of aloneness. We're removing it in advance by kind of getting into a moment that could happen before it even arises. Now, I do think you can do one more step if your child seems open to it.

After those questions, what might that be like? I wonder. If I felt an opening, I can imagine saying, hmm, well, if they are telling a secret and say to you, we can't tell you, sorry, I wonder what you could do. Do you want wanna do something? Is there something you'd wanna say? Hmm, right, and now I'm building a coping skill for a tricky peer situation because I've been willing to name what I know

probably will happen. I'm doing it without judgment. I'm not blaming the other kids or my child. I'm essentially just walking through the arc of the story and pausing. So me and my child can think through some coping skills. I would want to give my child the option of not saying anything. I think too often kids feel pressure. Like I have to say the right thing or I have to stand up for myself. And so I could see myself saying,

look, it's really hard to tell your friends you're really upset with them. I get it. It's something that's important, but it's something that takes a lot of practice. And so you don't have to say something to them. I wonder even, and this might sound a little weird, but bear with me. I wonder if there's something might sound a little weird, but bear with me.

I wonder if there's something you could say to yourself, even if you don't say something to them, just so you can remind yourself, really that you're a good person, that you're likable, that you're valuable, that you know you can talk to me about it after. I wonder if we could practice something like that. Like, I'm allowed to be upset. I'm going to talk to my mom about it later. I'm allowed to be upset. I could talk to my mom about it later. The truth is, so often when our kids are rejected, we jump to what they should say to someone else. But helping our kids build self-talk to kind of ground themselves in a moment of exclusion

is a precursor to being regulated enough to have the composure to talk to a friend and stand up for themselves. So actually just focusing on that moment of essentially helping your child regain their self-worth is both going to help them get grounded and actually is that first step to being able to stand up for yourself. Thank you, Emily, Erica, and Kate for calling in about this important topic.

Let's tie it all together with three main takeaways. One, these three lines are truly some of my favorite lines in all of parenting. I'm so glad you're talking to me about this. You really know you feel this way. Tell me more. Write those lines down, say them out loud to a mirror a few times to practice them, and see what happens when you use them in a conversation with your child. 2. Our child doesn't need our solutions to their peer problems. As much as our child needs our presence in their peer problems. Now, this doesn't mean you have to physically go and insert yourself. Your presence is the way you respond to your child's feelings

when they share them. What's worse than rejection is feeling alone in rejection when you share it with another person. And remember that once our kids have our support, their tough feelings become more manageable. Three, think more about what your child needs to learn to say to themselves when they feel excluded, unless about what your child needs to say to others, or at least focus on self-talk first. This is an often overlooked step, and it's critical for a child to regain their sense

of value, of worth, before they're able to speak up to others. Thanks for listening to Good Inside. I love co-creating episodes with you based on the real life tricky situations in your family. To share what's happening in your home, you can call 646-598-2543 or email a voice note to Good Inside Podcast at gmail.com. There are so many more strategies and tips I want to share with you. Head to GoodInside.com and sign up for a good insider, my free week of email with scripts and

strategies delivered right to your inbox. And follow me on Instagram and Facebook at Dr. Becky at GoodInside for a daily dose of parenting and self-care ideas. GoodInside with Dr. Becky at Good Inside for a daily dose of parenting and self-care ideas. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Beth Roe and Marie Cecil Anderson, an executive produced by Erica Belzky and me, Dr. Becky. If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review it or share this episode with a friend or family member as a way to start an important conversation. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside. I remain good inside.