Good Inside with Dr. Becky - When Your Tween Is Rejected

Episode Date: April 7, 2022

As our kids grow up, their peer lives become even more important to them. They also become more complicated. One reason: Tweens and teens aren’t just navigating tricky friendship situations, like rejection, in person… they’re navigating them on social media, too. With this in mind, Dr. Becky explores how parents can support older kids in today’s bonus follow-up episode to “When Your Kid Is Rejected.” She models how to be present with your tween’s painful feelings now, while simultaneously building their resilience for difficult experiences in the future. You’ll learn how to help your child in the moment while equipping them with life-long skills—from compassionate self-talk to mindful engagement with social media. For more on peer dynamics, listen to the below episodes wherever you find your podcasts: “When Your Kid Is Rejected” Apple: https://apple.co/3uQiebD Spotify: https://spoti.fi/3u8xgdW “‘She Can’t Play with Us’ and Other Tricky Friendship Moments” Apple: https://apple.co/3JRleL6 Spotify: https://spoti.fi/3iGD33R Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3cqgG2A Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Order Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books. For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast

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Melissa and Doug, timeless toys, endless possibilities. Hi, I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain good inside. This episode is a bonus of sorts, an extra for parents of tweens and teens. I get so many requests to do more episodes, have more content for parents of older children.

And when I was recording an episode about pure dynamics, I received one voicemail that was different from the others. It was not focused on elementary school or toatherhood. It was focused on what do I do with my seventh grader and also how does social media relate to feelings and friendships and to feeling excluded? If those topics are relevant in your life, this bonus episode is for you.

So let's listen to a voicemail from Vichelli, where she talks about her middle school age child, and then after that, I'll jump into a bunch of ideas and strategies. Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Michelle and I live in San Diego. I have a seventh grade girl who found out that she was not invited to a birthday party that took place in the shopping mall and all the other kids in her peer group were and they were discussing it on Monday after the event, which made me pretty happy that she doesn't have social media yet because that would have been even harder and quicker for her to see.

She was very upset by this. She was too interred. She changed tables. Didn't want to sit with them anymore. She took it very much to heart. We later found out that she, the person, it was celebrating their birthday and could only invite a certain amount of people or so that's what she was told. I didn't interfere because I've been listening to you for a long time and I just tried to

culture from home. But it did cost my mind to text one of know, one of the parents and ask, you know, why she wasn't invited. It was it something that she's doing, that she wouldn't be wanting in that kind of setting or I don't know. She sits with these kids every day and this is her peer group. So it was surprising to me. How would you recommend something like this be handled, and how do we better prepare our kids for not being invited to things, and explain to them before they have social

media that they will find out they're missing out on a lot, much and a much more rapid rate. And when do we, as parents, discuss with our kids, when is the right time for social media based on how she reacted from hearing about this two days ago? I don't think it would be healthy for her to have Instagram or Snapchat where she would see it right away. And I don't know how much more intense the reaction would be. Hi, Vasheli. Thank you so much for calling in with such a nuanced situation. And I think it's a situation that so many parents have to manage with their twins and teens. Right?

Our kids get older. Their pure life means even more to them. And then when they're excluded, things feel that much worse. How do we intervene with our kids who are 12, 16 older, when they clearly feel upset about a difficult situation with a friend. I wanna go over a few things. And I wanna go over them in terms of things you can do in the moment

when your child shares with you, what happened, and things to do outside of the moment. And even thinking about both sets of strategies is really helpful because when your child shares a moment where they feel so vulnerable, so hurt. There are so many things we want to do that really aren't effective or even appropriate for that moment. So let's really kind of walk through what to do in the moment of her and then what we can think about outside that moment in the moment. Your child shares that you she found out about this party she wasn't invited she's super super upset. These three lines are so helpful with teens and the first one is going to sound surprising because it's not our instinct to say something

like this. Mom, I wasn't invited. I'm the only one who wasn't invited to this birthday party. I'm so glad we're talking about this. I'm so glad you came to me with this. I'm so glad you're sharing this with me. And then maybe add on, this is so important. Those words are a message to your child that you are there for them, that you see

how big this is and that you're not jumping right away to a quick fix. It almost is like you opening a door. It's like they're standing on one side of the door and you're saying, yes, come in, we can be in this together. What else would I say? After that, I'd share something like this. Wow, this stinks. This is so awful feeling. I believe you. Some comment that just validates the intensity of the emotion. I think we can all remember what it was like to be a teenager and feel excluded from something. It feels like your whole world. It feels so bad. And I think it's hard for us to see our kid in pain.

And so we often minimize what's happening. You weren't invited to one party. It's fine. Or you can have a get together with a different group of people next weekend, you can go to the mall, you can go to the movies. And we do that because we feel uncomfortable in our kids' distress. But what it ends up saying to our kid is, you shouldn't feel this way. And I'm not someone you can talk to about this,

which usually isn't the message we want to send our kids. So, instead, when we share, I'm so glad you came to me with this. This really stinks. I believe you. This feels awful. Our kid feels our presence. Presence, presence, presence. This is everything in a moment of distress. Our feelings don't give us problems.

The aloneness in our feelings gives us problems. And so when you say to your child, essentially, I'm here with you in this, you take away the part of the distress that's from aloneness. And when we take away the aloneness, our distress immediately becomes more tolerable. What would I say after that? These three words. Tell me more. And I'd want to hear more about the specifics of what was happening for my child when they found out this news. Where were you when it

happened? Oh, you're at the lunch table. Huh, who are you sitting here? Oh, okay. Were you facing the wall? Were you facing the window? Because I, oh, you're facing the window. You were right there. Why am I asking these questions?

Does it really matter? No. That specific content doesn't matter. What matters so much is when I ask those specific questions. I actually get into that memory of pain. I get into that moment where my child felt so alone and I'm there with them. Right now, Vasheli, imagine you just found out

some really upsetting news about being excluded from something. All of your best friends went to a lunch without you or you found out they all planned a mom's weekend away and organized it and our had some fun location and you weren't invited. Now imagine someone you care about a friend, a family member, a partner being so interested in your experience that they would say, oh, you're at your work desk. Was anyone else around? Oh, you're at your work desk. Was anyone else around? Oh, no. And then what happened? You know someone really cares about you

and is really listening and is really invested in you when they ask those specific questions. Again, does it take away the moment or the pain? No, but we can't take away the moment or the pain, and frankly, we wouldn't want to because when we join our child, when we support them, not only do we help them in that moment, we actually build their resilience for life because this is not the last time your child will feel rejected or feel excluded. And if your child's body remembers support,

remembers your presence, remembers your interested compassionate words. Well, guess what? When she's an adult, she will be wired to have compassionate words for herself in those moments. And that is what coping is all about. Hey, quick thing. If you follow me on Instagram or if you're a part of the good inside membership, you probably know I've written a book. And I'm so excited to say that you no longer have to pre-order it.

You can order it because it's available right now. You might have guessed the title is Good Inside, a guide to becoming the parent you want to be. And let me be clear, it's not a book or perfect parenting. It is a book that will help parents like you feel empowered, confident, and sturdy. Visit goodinside.com slash book to order your copy today. Now let's get back to the episode. Okay, what about outside the moment? Well, you raised an important question. This, hmm, I wonder why my child was excluded. Should I call another parent and figure that out?

Does my child do something that is hurtful to the other kids? I actually think those are useful questions, right? It's important for us to help our kid understand themselves in the context of their peer relationships, but not in a situation like this. The way I think about it is this situation is too hot to explore our child's role. I think you can use this situation kind of to put your antenna up.

Outside of this situation, I'm going to pay more attention to how my child interacts with their friends. I'm going to see if I notice anything. But I would use it as that type of starting point for your thought process and investigation, not as the jumping in point to look at something your child might be doing. That's off putting because your child is already feeling so vulnerable and so rejected that we don't need to kind of add on to those feelings. One last point in response to your bigger question, what about social media? Now we could do, you know, a whole podcast series just about teens and social media and maybe

at some point you got my wheel spinning. Maybe we should because I love thinking about this. But in the interest of time and this episode, yes, I see how you take this situation and go to the thought, huh? Well, when my child's on Instagram or Snapchat or any other platform, they're going to have so much information in their face about things that happened that they weren't invited to. There's a couple things I would think about in terms of skills a child needs, psychological skills, coping skills, a child needs before they enter into the world of social media. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but just a few things that come to mind now.

One, self-talk to manage feelings of exclusion. Going on social media, especially for a teen, is this experience over and over. Oh, I would have liked to have been invited to that. Oh, they look like they were having more fun than I was having. Oh, why was I invited there? Oh, my friend was invited there. I think if my friend was invited, I wouldn't be invited.

It is just kind of being flooded with exclusion. We can think as kind of part of our job with our kids as preparing them for those inevitable moments by building up their kind of arsenal of tools to talk themselves through it. Here's how I might start. You know what happened to me the other day? I saw a picture of my friends at lunch and I wasn't there in it. Kind of felt like I wasn't at lunch. I wonder if nobody likes me. I kind of felt like I wasn't at lunch. I wonder if I have no friends at all. It's kind of like I see a picture of

a moment. And then I jumped to some huge big truth about myself, huh? Well, it didn't totally take away that hard feeling, but after I saw that picture, I put my feet on the ground and I just said to myself, I feel upset and I'm a good person with friends. I feel upset and I'm a good person with friends. That was helpful because then the upset feeling didn't kind of convince me that I didn't have friends. When my kids start using social media, I absolutely want to know that they have a way of talking to themselves when they feel excluded

so that the exclusion doesn't become who they are. It becomes an experience they had. What else? When it comes to social media, I would definitely talk to my kids about developing mindfulness around what they put out there. Social media is especially dangerous because so many kids put out photos or videos to get a response from others. It's a very outside in way of gaining validation. As in, oh, if a lot of people like my picture, I guess it means I'm popular.

If a lot of people like my video, I guess it means I'm popular. If a lot of people like my video, I guess it means I'm cool. Versus, I really like this photo. I know I like it. I really like this thing about it, and I'm going to share it with people on my social media feed. If a child can't articulate why they like something before they put it out into social media, it probably means they're waiting for that like to be defined by someone else.

And that is really dangerous to a child's mental health. One other thing I would do before venturing into the world of social media, I would talk about it with my kid. I'd be very open about the things about social media that can be helpful in my own life, even, and the things that can be kind of dangerous. I would also talk to my child even model, checking in with myself before I start scrolling on site Instagram. Huh, how am I feeling right now?

Well, I'm feeling pretty happy, I feel pretty content. What am I hoping to learn? What am I hoping to feel by going on social media? And then maybe even modeling pausing after five minutes, setting a timer, huh? Am I getting what I wanted? How do I feel now? Oh, that's interesting.

I thought I was going on to look at recipes and instead mindlessly scrolling through other people's vacations. So I was feeling pretty content. Now I feel pretty insecure. I'm not trying to make some huge life lesson point, but really trying to help my child understand that we need to collect data about ourselves as we use social media. So social media essentially doesn't just

happen to us and leave us in a really, really insecure, anxious place. So this was something totally new for me, an episode directed at parents of tweens and teens. I would love to know what you think. Please email goodinsidepodcast at gmail.com. Let us know if you liked this episode, if you'd like to have more episodes directed at this age group. And if you really love this episode, please leave a review or post about the episode on social media

so more parents can get connected. Thanks for listening to Good Inside. I love co-creating episodes with you based on the real life tricky situations in your family. To share what's happening in your home, you can call 646-598-2543 or email a voice note to goodinsidepodcast at gmail.com. There are so many more strategies and tips I want to share with you. Head to goodinside.com and sign up for a good insider, my free week of email with scripts and strategies delivered right to your inbox. And follow me on Instagram and Facebook at Dr. Becky at Good Inside for a daily dose of parenting and self-care ideas. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Beth Roe and Marie

Cecil Anderson, an executive produced by Erica Belzky and me, Dr. Becky. If you enjoyed this episode, And me, Dr. Becky. If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review it. Or share this episode with a friend or family member as a way to start an important conversation. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle, and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.