Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Yes, One-Year-Olds Have Tantrums

Episode Date: November 16, 2021

Everyone talks about the “terrible twos,” but we rarely acknowledge the tricky twelve- to twenty-four-month stage. At one year, kids are rapidly developing: They’re exploring the world, figuring out how to express their needs, and testing limits. It’s messy, but here’s the thing: The more prepared you are for this stage, the more grounded you can be in those messy moments. In this week’s episode, Dr. Becky talks with three parents about the challenges of raising a one-year-old—from throwing food to throwing a tantrum. She emphasizes that our kids are not trying to irritate us, they’re trying to learn, and shares practical strategies for helping them learn in a safe environment. Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3cqgG2A Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Order Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books. For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast

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Melissa and Doug, timeless toys, endless possibilities. Hi, I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain good inside. Today we'll be talking about the challenges of one year olds. I don't know about you, but I was very surprised

by how challenging it was for me when my kids were in that one year old stage. I was so ready for the terrible twos, I was ready for everything that happened, and I actually found the one to two year old year, much harder than the two to three-year-old year, especially for two of my kids. One-year-olds are really complicated.

They're not babies. They don't feel like full-on toddlers. And they sometimes feel like they themselves are conflicted about what exactly is going on for them. Am I crying? Am I learning to walk? Am I learning some words? Am I melting down?

There's so much development that's happening. And as a result, there's just so much mess at that time. There are tantrums that start. There are meltdowns. And the more prepared we are for that phase, the more we know to expect some challenges, some boundary pushing, definitely some tantrums, the more grounded we can be when those moments arise. So with that in mind, let's jump in. Let's hear from our first caller, Elsa. Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Elsa and I have a one-year-old daughter, K, we live in New Hampshire. And K is really starting to gain some independent exploring and engaging more socially back and

forth with me and my husband, which is great, but it can also be a little tough because the thing she's doing can be sort of naughty, like throwing food on the ground from her high chair over and over, things like that. I guess I'm struggling to figure out how to respond to her at this age when she's doing something I don't want her to do. Am I supposed to ignore it or teach her it's wrong or be very firm with her? I'm just feeling a little bit unsure. It's frustrating. So I'm just hoping you might be able to give me some guidance

on handling these moments when she's so little. Hi, Elsa. Thank you so much for calling in. And raising what I think is something so many of us struggle with when we have young kids, where we get to the stage, our kid is about one. And I remember that stage for me, thinking, wait a second, nobody prepared me for a one-year-old. Being kind of challenging, I've heard of

the terrible twos, but I'm one year away from that. What is going on? My kid is throwing food off their high chair. My kid is opening cabinets even after I say, no, my kid is knocking down towers that belong to another child, and I wasn't ready for that and so I'm so glad you're bringing this To our attention a couple things number one. It is Normal and even go further. It is healthy For a one year old to be testing limits and boundaries if you actually imagine a boundary and you imagine a child pushing against it, they're actually trying to expand their world. Right? Kids, jobs are to learn. They're trying to figure out what happens if I do this,

what happens when I try this? Will the answer be the same tomorrow? What about when I do this in the morning? What about when I do this with my mom? What about when I do this with my grandma? They about when I do this with my mom? What about when I do this with my grandma? They're trying to get as much data as possible and how do we get more data by expanding our world and how do kids expand their world by pushing against our limits? Now, that's not to say our job is to give no limits.

We actually need to hold boundaries, especially when there's danger involved. And we have to accept that our kids are going to push those boundaries. I know that sounds paradoxical, so let's think about that another way. My job as a parent is in part to hold boundaries, to keep my kids safe and to help my kids make good decisions. On the other side, my kids' job is to push boundaries, kind of learn about what's okay, and to do that type of thing over and over and over again to collect enough data to make a conclusion.

How does this relate to throwing food? Why do kids throw food off the table? Well, there's so many reasons. Number one, we have to appreciate that one-year-olds don't understand gravity the way we understand gravity. Actually, picture yourself doing the reverse. Picture yourself sitting and taking a piece of bread and throwing it up in the air and watching it stick to the ceiling or just hang mid-air.

Now, I don't know about you, Elsa, but if someone said to me, Becky, do not do that again. We do not throw bread in the air. There is literally no way I wouldn't do it again. I'd be like one second. How did that just happen? I had it in my hand, I threw it throw bread in the air. There is literally no way I wouldn't do it again. I'd be like, one second, how did that just happen? I had it in my hand, I threw it up, now it's stuck. That was amazing. Someone's telling me no, but I'm pretty curious

I'm gonna try it again. And then instead of bread, if I had a carrot, I would try it. And then the next day, I think you and I else of both would say, okay, that was a weird day. Is this gonna happen again? If someone else looked at me and said, you are being defiant, I think I'd want to say back, wait, this is not about defiance actually.

This has nothing to do with you. I'm just exploring and trying to figure something out. Our kids are learning about cause and effect. A one-year-old is learning. I have power in the world. I can take something, grab it, put it off my plate, let go of it, and something happens. It even makes a sound. It plops and maybe even they learn, oh, and when I do that, people get upset with me. They're not doing this to be sadistic. They're truly doing this to learn about what happens in the world. And so when we look at a one-year-old through the lens of they finally have enough agency to be active participants in their learning, we have a lot more patience and empathy for what's really happening and we can look at what they're doing from a generous perspective

instead of through the lens of judgment. Now, what's our role? Am I saying we should just let our kids throw food everywhere? No, but I do think some amount of tolerating that is important before we then firmly set the boundary. Here's what that might sound like. Okay, you moved your cereal off, you let it go, it fell to the table. When we let things go, they fall down, down, down, they hit the floor, floor, floor, that is so fun.

Here's the thing, I'm not gonna let hit the floor, floor, floor. That is so fun. Here's the thing. I'm not gonna let you throw the food off the table. Food is for staying on your plate or putting in your mouth. If you wanna throw and watch things drop, we can and then fill in the blank. We can go over here to the playroom and drop some balls. We can throw some soft pillows, right?

I am watching my child develop and want to learn and giving options for how to do that learning while also holding a boundary around the specific behavior around food because I'm not going to let my child throw every piece of their dinner onto the floor. What's key though is the next time. We have to remember that our kids are going to do it again. They're not trying to get under our skin.

They're not trying to annoy us. They're trying to learn. So before you get to the table, I might say to your child, ooh, let's throw, throw, throw before we sit down. Let's throw this, whatever you have. Let's throw this stuffed animal. Let's throw these, you know, tissues, whatever it is. Let's get all the throwing out of our fingers.

Ow, ow, ow, oh, everything goes down to the floor. When we sit in your high chair, I'm going to give you one piece of food at a time. And if it's hard for you to keep the food on your plate or put it in your mouth, I'm gonna help you with that by, and then you could give a couple options. I could help feed you.

I could give you a break from the chair. Or maybe you're telling me that's when you're done with your meal. And then I'll take you out and then we'll go play. So here's the big idea. One year olds are trying to learn. They're not trying to get under our skin. So we want to help them learn. We want to normalize their pushing of boundaries

and give them a safe environment to learn in. When it comes to their attempts to learn in situations where we actually want them to learn other behaviors, remind yourself they're not going to stop doing it. They don't have the capacity to inhibit those urges. It's really our job as a parent to set a warm but firm boundary and follow through. And now our second caller, Lauren.

Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Lauren and I live in mountain valley, California. I have a 12 month old son. He is already throwing what I would call as tantrums. And that's fine, but when the situation is one where it would be dangerous for him, I don't know how to cope when he freaks out and he wants something that would be dangerous for him to have. It's like take it away. He freaks out, cries, screams, yells. So any tips on if a one-year-old or a 12-month-old even can have a tantrum and when they're not communicating, he only says a few words, you know, mama, dad, dad, doll, et cetera. So how we can get through these tantrums

when I have to put my foot down, when it's something for safety. Hi, Lauren. Thank you for sharing what's going on inside your house. And let me assure you, this is very similar to what went on in my house when I had a one year old. One year olds have tantrums. I think we're all so prepared for the tantrum stage when our kids are approaching to, but I don't know where we all got that idea

from because those months, those 10 and a half months, 11 months, 12 months, 13 months, that stage is full of tantrums. Actually, if we zoom out, what helps our kids have fewer tantrums is building up skills to manage the difficult emotions that are so overwhelming in childhood. And one of the things two year olds have that one year olds don't have is some amount of language.

So by the time your child can say, oh mad, mad, mad, or want it, want it, want it. They might be upset, but they're less likely to have the same massive tantrum because they can start connecting their words and verbal expression to the emotional experience in their body. A one-year-old cannot do that. A one-year-old is pure, somatic sensation. So these huge tantrums, these flails, these cries, these screams, totally normal, that they start happening at around 12 months. There is nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with your kid.

Your kid is actually doing what's developmentally appropriate. It's just pretty inconvenient and exhausting to go through those moments as a parent. What can we do when we have to take sharp scissors away from a 12-month-old? When we have to tell a 12-month-old, oh, you cannot use that serrated knife, right? There's real things they can't do, but a child can't express themselves. They can't say that's not fair. They can't say anything. They are just in a state of dysregulation. Let's ground ourselves in the idea of family jobs because this always gives me kind of the foundation I need and it gives me the answer usually to this question of what can we do. What is our job?

Our job is to keep our kids safe through boundaries and making good decisions and to empathize with and validate our kids' feelings. Okay, two sets of jobs, safety through boundaries, and then kind of connection through empathy and validation. In these moments, we start with the boundary, or some form of containment. So let's say your child has a knife in his hand and you have to take it out,

or he's moving toward a knife, or he just wants it. I won't let you have that knife. That's a boundary. And then maybe I'd put my body between my child and the knife, or scissors are in my child's hand. Ooh, I won't let you have those scissors. Now, yes, this is going to lead to your child crying more.

Having a larger expression of their internal experience. This is what's key. Our job is not to control our kid's expression. A good job by a parent is not rewarded by a calm grounded experience by a child. It doesn't work that way. We're two independent people. So we keep our kids safe. Our child likely has a lot to say about this. Your child's way of saying things right now is like anyone you're old through screaming and crying. Now we do the second part of our job, connection. And this is where we usually have to do so much less than we think.

This is where less is more. I want to model a couple ways of doing connection in this moment. The first is doing this. After I've made sure my child is safe. I know. That's safe. I know. That's it. I know. Here's another way.

Oh, you wish you could have those scissors. You really wish you could have those scissors. My child is flailing because they want that serrated knife. I've made sure they're safe and I say, I'm here. I love you. My words are really simple. I've taken a deep breath. I've used the phrase you wish. I've said, I'm here. I love you. Maybe I say something else like, oh, we're going to get through this. Let all those feelings out. It's so hard not to have something you want. And what I hope you hear, oh, we're going to get through this, let all those feelings out. It's so hard not to have something you want.

And what I hope you hear, Lauren, is my tone, my inflection, my warmth. I've set the boundary so my kids safe. Now I'm just trying to be there with my child as they go through this wave of disappointment or frustration. My job isn't to end the disappointment. My job isn't to convince my child they are being illogical. Oh come on, that's a knife, of course, you can't have it. No, I've set the boundary. That's part one of my job to keep my child safe. Now I'm doing part two, which is my presence. I'm being present, I'm connecting, I'm offering validation. This is actually how our kids learn emotion regulation.

And yes, they're learning it at age one, even though they can't give words back. Why? Because their body experiences this. My parent contains me to make sure I'm safe. And then within that container, my parent offers connection and validation. This is how eventually kids learn to calm themselves down. They learn to contain themselves and put up a boundary and then speak to themselves kindly to calm themselves down. So remember that kind of formula.

Safety first, yes, your child might escalate. That's your child's body, not yours. Now your job is to be present, keep your own body calm, and connect through validation and empathy. Let's hear from our final caller, Sam. Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Sam. I live in Jersey City, New Jersey, and my daughter is 14 months. She has just changed and shifted to a new emotional state where she started to whine when she doesn't get what she wants and cries for attention. She's usually very happy, baby, and is really great with other people, but when we're not

paying attention to her, she really just starts to wail. It'll go away if not. She's not in pain. She's not, hungry, she's not tired. It's not anything big. I know she is having trouble communicating with her needs there, but I'm having trouble because I'll talk to her, but she's not really rational.

Of course, she's 14 months. It doesn't really matter what I'm saying. So I'm wondering what I can do in the moment or how can I train her to have a different reaction to not getting what you want or for asking what you want. Thank you very much. Hi Sam. I really appreciate you sharing your concerns here and I think there's so many of us who are wondering the same thing. What can I expect from my young toddler? What is developmentally appropriate for a 14-month-old? And if about one year old is struggling with something, I know I can't sit across from the table and discuss it with them. So what are my options? So first things first. It is normal for 14 month olds to use tears as a way of communicating.

Tears are a way of saying, I'm not happy about something. I'm uncomfortable. I want something and I'm not getting it. Screams, tears, these are our babies' way of telling us, I need something. Now, another thing to remember is recognizing a need, is totally different from fulfilling a need. And so often, we collapse the two.

We think, I can't fulfill that need, I'm cooking, I can't give my baby what they want. And we forget, wait, I can recognize and see and validate the need, even if I don't meet the need. That's key. So your baby's crying and you say your baby's crying for attention. Now, this might be true. I think often we think of attention seeking with such negativity.

And it's slightly softer to think of connection seeking. I think that's often a reframe we can make. We're all connection seeking when we want something and we don't have it. And it's actually evolutionarily adaptive for a baby to be connection seeking because they get all of their needs met through their attachment with us. So I'm doing something. I'm cooking. I'm sitting. I need a little break and my child is connection seeking through screaming and crying. If I can't meet their need, meaning I can't pick them up right now and you know kind of hold them. How can I see the need? I can't meet it, how can I see it? That might mean sitting on the couch and saying, Oh, you wish I could pick you up right now. Oh,

I'm right here. You hear my voice, mommy needs a few more deep breaths. It's so hard to wait. And then I take my deep breaths or I finish writing my email or I have a couple of sips of my coffee while it's still hot. Whatever I have for those few moments of somewhat close to then. And then I'm able to meet my child's needs. My kids not trying to manipulate me.

My kid's not trying to get something out of me. My kid is trying to communicate in the only way they have available to them, which is through nonverbal expression. There's one other thing I wanted to respond to and I think it's a larger point and it's really empowering when we make the following reframe. Whenever we ask ourselves, how can I get my child to blank? How can I get my child to express

themselves differently? Or how can I get my child to stop crying? Or this happens with older kids too? How can I get my child to talk to me in a more respectful way. How can I get my child to clean their room? It's really important to note that we're in get my child mode. We can't ever get anyone to do anything differently than they're doing. But that to me isn't hopeless because we can turn things around and almost always when we say how can I get my kid to blank? We can instead ask ourselves, huh. How can I focus on my own reaction when my child does this thing? So I show up in a way that feels good to me.

So instead of how can I get my child to stop whining for me? I could say, when my child looks for connection through tears and screams, what goes on for me, what gets evoked, and what can I work on to show up in a way that I'm proud of? My child's behavior is independent. And interestingly enough, my child and I exist in a system together, and the more I focus on shifting things a little bit in myself, my child's naturally going to change because the system has changed.

And so think about a deep breath. Think about a mantra for you. It might be, I don't need to meet this need right away. I can still see it. It might be there's not an emergency. My child is upset. I'll get through this. And my guess, Sam, is as you start to regulate

yourself. When your child is dysregulated, you'll notice your child changes as well. Let's tie it all together with three takeaways. One. The one-year-old phase is tough. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There's so much development that's happening and so kids are much more active participants in their environment. This is really exciting and also really challenging because there are moments of wanting and not having

moments of boundary violations, moments of whining for your connection. Remind yourself, this is normal. 2. We can see and validate a need without meeting it. We can't always pick up a child. We can't always pick up a child. We can't always get down to play. We can Name what's happening for a child or describe the frustration of

Not getting what they want. This means saying things like I know you want me right there with you or Waiting is so hard for me to Waiting is so hard for me too. Three. Always go back to family jobs. A parent's job is to provide safety through containment and boundaries and to provide connection through validation and empathy. I love the words I won't let you as a way of establishing safety. And then I love using our presence to connect to the underlying emotions. For example, I won't let you throw these blocks. I know.

I'm right here with you. We'll get through this together. Now remember, these aren't magic words and they don't stop a tantrum from continuing. But your job isn't to end the tantrum. It's to be with your child through the tantrum. Thanks for listening to Good Inside. Let's stay connected. At GoodInside.com, you can sign up for workshops and subscribe to Good Inside.com, you can sign up for workshops and subscribe to Good Insider.

My weekly email with scripts and strategies delivered right to your inbox. And for more ideas and tips, check out my Instagram, Dr. Becky at GoodInside. GoodInside is produced by Beth Roe and Brad Gage, and Executive Produced by Erica Belski and me, Dr. Becky. If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review. And if you really like the episode, please share it with someone you know. Many of you tell me that sharing an episode has allowed you to start conversations about tricky topics with spouses or extended family members

and to bond and connect with fellow cyclebreakers. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves. Even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside. could inside.