Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Your Motherhood is Only as Powerful as Your Personhood

Episode Date: October 24, 2023

Motherhood often feels all-consuming. And it's easy to lose yourself in it. But you can find your way back to yourself with self-love. The first change you make is the new thought you take. Author and poet, Cleo Wade, joins Dr. Becky to talk about reclaiming yourself when you feel lost in motherhood and her newest book Remember Love.Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/46oDerdFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastTo listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategyToday’s episode is brought to you by SEED: It feels important to speak to the very real things in life that parents are dealing with. Overall immunity is one of those things — we want our kids to feel good in their bodies no matter what… to feel physically Good Inside. And one way we can support this is with a daily prebiotic and probiotic. PDS-08 from Seed is a clinically studied 2-in-1 Pediatric Daily Synbiotic that supports digestion and helps kids with easy, frequent poops. It aids in filling the fiber gap for most kiddos and is formulated with strains that support immune health, which starts in the gut! And bonus for busy parents… the container has a built-in daily tracking system, so you never miss a day. To get 20% off plus free shipping on your first month’s supply, use code GOODINSIDE at Seed.comToday’s episode is brought to you by KiwiCo: Not much matters more than helping our kids develop confidence. Confidence comes from watching yourself work hard, tap into your creativity, and do things you may not always do. KiwiCo is like a conduit to confidence. Each month, kids gets a box delivered right to them with a hands-on project designed to spark creativity and engage problem solving… but kids don’t know this is what’s happening, they just see it as a form of play! The projects cater to all types of kids: kids who like science, sensory play, games, or geography. KiwiCo is a win for kid fun, and a win for long-term confidence. And now, you can get your first month free on ANY crate line at kiwico.com/drbecky.

The hard part is that everyone tells you a baby changes everything and I think we don't know how to kind of wrap our heads around how much motherhood changes you and that changes just hard. The act of change is easy. The feelings that a company change are so difficult. Cleo Wade is someone who just has a way with words. She's an author and a poet, and in her latest book, Remember Love,

she reminds everyone who may be feeling lost or overwhelmed by change, to return to love. That self-love is what saves us. And that's especially true in our journey as parents. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is good inside. There are so many different things I want to talk to you about. So I don't know, I'll just begin here. In your recent book, Remember Love, which is so exciting,

you really focus on recovery and you talk about really kind of reclaiming yourself. Let's start with that. Well, as I was writing this book, I kind of, in a way that was very different than any other kind of way I approached writing before, is I really felt like, okay, I kind of tried to place myself back to moments in my life where I felt that I was stumbling around in the dark, looking for a light and realized I had to turn it on with it myself.

And I tried to figure out how to follow those breadcrumbs. And remember that no matter how faint that kind of light feels, it is still there. There's this one page that actually started out as a joke, really where I write about how there's the old Motel 6 commercial that's like, we'll leave the light on for you. But that actually in some of my toughest moments,

whether it was really contemplating repacing my life, you know, when I found that my life was moving at a pace where I couldn't find or access freedom and joy, even though I was attaining a lot of exterior goals. And so when I felt that I lost track of myself or I felt that I couldn't feel like myself in moments of whether that was postpartum depression or or high, high key anxiety, I kind of hear that voice will leave the light on for you. And I really kind of would always think how did I, you know, the light has been left on in there somewhere for me. And so much of this book is how I journeyed back and finding it, whether it was through hearing somebody say something like the two words remember love that I'd heard and then using those as an anchor to kind of change my thinking around things. And as you know, because I think you teach this so well is that all change starts with your inner

dialogue. The first change you make is the new thought you take. And so I think, you know, for me, that's why the words, the mantras are so important because that's the first piece always. We'll be right back. Not much matters more than helping our kids develop confidence. And the way I see it, confidence comes from watching yourself work hard, tap into your creativity, and do things you might not always do. So if confidence is where we want our kids to get to, what is a tool to get them there? Well, KiwiCo is a tool to develop confidence.

Each month my kid gets a box delivered right to them, with a hands-on project designed to spark creativity and engage problem solving. But my kids don't know this is what's happening. They just see it as a form of play. I've watched all my kids love their KiwiCo crates because the projects cater to all types of kids, kids who like science or sensory play or games or geography. I love that KiwiCo is a win for kid fun and a win for long-term confidence. And now you can get your first month free

on any crate line at KiwiCo.com slash Dr. Becky. That's your first month free on any line at kiwico.com slash drbECKY. Hey everyone, I have a quick ask. If you going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm want to say that again, the first change you make is the thought you take. So that's so powerful. I want to ask you hard about that, but I don't want to zoom too far past something you said and you said something, then you also said postpartum depression. You didn't say these things totally connected, so I just wanna see if I got it right. You talked about the loss of freedom and joy

while you were seemingly ticking off maybe various accomplishments. And the thing I was thinking about before even said postpartum was so much of the experience of becoming a mom for the first time is like, it does feel like an accomplishment. Like a lot of people like, I did this. I had this baby. I'm supposed to, I'm supposed to do this. This is like a milestone in my life. This is a huge, you know, development, leap for me, you know? I'm an adult in a different way. And yet, having a baby in terms of like freedom and joy in those early days. I mean, are not there.

Well, and here's the thing, gratitude that comes from a place of guilt is not gratitude. So you talk about this in a great way in your TED Talk when you're saying you're joking about your son and you're saying like, and if you could just be grateful for this, but like when gratitude is attached to guilt, it's not gratitude, it's something else. And so what happens and put with postpartum depression is every time you're trying to get to gratitude, you're doing it from a place of guilt. Can you dive into that? Yeah, you say, I can't, I should be grateful. I mean, I have a baby, I have a this, I have a that, it's how, whether it may be healthy, I'm healthy, I'm, and so you think that you're trying to get out of postpartum depression, but you're

actually because it's, you're reaching from gratitude from guilt, you, you always out of deficit, you can never get above ground. And so the thing is is that gratitude is only ever attached to the actual present moment in no stories. And that's what makes it spiritual. That's what makes it magical. However you want to look at it, that's what makes it that thing that's very, very, very present. And that's why, you know, as you know, most shrinks like to say, if you're thinking about the past, you know, you're depressed. If you're worried about the future, you're anxious, but if you're in the moment, you're present, because in the present is where we access gratitude. It has no stories.

It actually is just that like the sun still came up. The sun comes up. I'm okay. I can be okay. I believe Okina's is possible. There's gratitude there. Where did the guilt come from postpartum? I think the guilt comes from you want it what you have. Why isn't that making you feel, the way you feel is wrong, right?

Then that shame that's gilded and then they're kind of breathed, I feel. You're so happy you have your baby. Why aren't you feeling like yourself? And I think also, you know, the hard part is that everyone tells you a baby changes everything and I think we don't know how to kind of wrap our heads around how much motherhood changes you and that change is just hard.

And it's funny I was just saying this to a friend, it's like the act of change is easy. The feelings that a company change are so difficult. So you know, writing your signatures easy. The feelings that come with signing your divorce papers are impossible. You could even go so far as to say that the labor or the childbirth, which is not easy, but it's actually easier that change of the baby

coming into the world is easier than the feelings that accompany having a child. And so I think that there's a lot that, you know, the feelings that come with the change that happens when you go into parenthood, I think that's something where there's not quite enough space held for us to live in the contradictions and complications. We kind of think we should have a much narrower range of feelings. So we don't even have spaces for it, right? We don't even have a space to say, we're kind of, that's opening up more and more.

But I mean, we barely have a space to say, what we actually do when we're breastfeeding, you know, you and I talked about that with our friends of like, I'd be like, you know what everyone was like, yeah, I breastfed for 10 months, but nobody told me they were supplementing. And I kept being like, when I had no milk, I'd be like, how are they doing this?

Like, some is coming out, but it's not enough to sustain this kid. And like, what the hell? Yes, we all deserve our privacy. Yes, we should all walk the line between privacy and secrecy and offering help to each other, I think. But the stories we tell each other actually really impact the range of feelings we believe we should have.

Right. I mean, anytime someone says to me, I'm struggling as a new mom, how were the early days for you? The first thing I say is it's so damn hard and so start there. Start with like the honesty, like start with like a friend

had texted me earlier today telling me something that was really hard. She was going through and and she was like, I'm crushed, but I'm okay. And I said, actually, just start with, I'm not okay. This is really hard. I'm so sad because the honest moment of, I'm not okay is actually the only way to get to okayness. Like you just can't skip the stat. You just prolong the ability to land in okayness.

I'm thinking about my answer when people said, what were the early days like, it's completely unenjoyable. That's what they were like for me. And I think some people actually go back and forth between enjoyable and unenjoyable, but I definitely was kind of in the group of like the baby stages. I don't know what I'd say, it's not for me, it's not my favorite,

it's not where I thrive. I didn't love it. I really, really didn't. And yeah, every time I tell someone that, and now I guess I'm telling everyone who listens. Yeah, the baby stage was unenjoyable for me. I'm not even calving on it. Period. Done. Right. Hopefully that, you know, means at least one more person saying, Oh, like, I guess this is an okay way to experience the stage. And it doesn't mean this is the type of parent I am. This is not

the way I'm going to always feel about my child. This doesn't mean anything about me or my kid or our connection. It means, like you said, actually, in this moment, this moment is unenjoyable and there happens to be a lot of these moments for this stage. And between the sleep draft probation and the hormones and everything else, you don't feel like yourself and there was real pain. There was for me, there was real pain in feeling like, I wish my kid could get to know the real me. Like, and I wrote an Imremember Love, you know, it's, it's, um, I thought I knew how to love myself. Um, but I know, I knew how to love myself when I felt like myself. It's really hard to love a stranger, especially when change has turned you into the stranger.

And so for me, I was using the tools to keep the person I knew had a love maintained. Like that was the self-care tool kit I was using, and I didn't realize that I would have to radically change how I was supported, how I gave myself grace, the thought patterning I had around productivity, and so many things in order to actually give myself care when I didn't feel like myself. You're so talented in using words to describe very, very complex in some ways like nonverbal experiences that we have. So I know there's a lot of people listening who are experiencing, have experienced postpartum depression. Like how would you describe what that felt like or what it was experienced

like by you? Because I think your words, they do. They just have so much power to help people, you know, feel understood. Well, I think first and foremost, I'd say that no matter what my experience is like, yours is unique to you. And I think that really loving yourself in a way that allows for you to witness how you feel at any given moment without judging it is how you can understand what you're going through and ask for the right help for what you're going through. And so, you know, I hate to kind of generalize the feeling of postpartum, but I can say that I think postpartum depression is not so dissimilar than other types of depression or periods of depressive waves where you really do feel that how you are in relationship with yourself and those around you is just off.

And you're wondering why things that usually either bring you joy or bring you ease do not, and you feel very disconnected from the things that make you feel like yourself and light you up. And I think we all have those kind of little sparkly things where we could be, it's like the thing that makes you laugh out of nowhere, or the thing that kind of is that, like, you know, triggers or whatever that built in happiness, I do feel that we all have and have access to kind of lights up. I think it's just a lot harder for those things to light up and it's really hard to hear anyone rationally tell you why you shouldn't feel that way. So I think that one of the ways I think we know we,

is it kind of a share fire sign we could use a little support or help, is if we feel a little triggered by somebody saying, this might help. And if we feel like the idea of help feels almost like an affront to what we're going through, that's to me how I always know that I'm like, I need support.

I need a shift because someone's offering me a tool and it's pissing me off and like that's just, why would that be something that's pissing me off? Mm-hmm. There's such a powerful nuance there. I think that's a really important reflection because if it's from the right person, you really feel like, really does love you

and has your best interest. There's something about the lifting out of this kind of emotional state you're in that, yeah, that makes you angry, right? And I think the nuance is we all need to hear from people and we need to say to ourselves, I'm allowed to feel this way, my feelings are real. My feelings are real, My feelings are valid.

I'm not making this up. I believe myself. And, right, that's on one side, that like validation. And, yeah, it could be a good idea to get some tools and skills. Not because my feelings aren't real, but because this is not a great way to feel. And then on an ending days. And also because the people in your life who love you,

no matter how much they love you, they don't see the invisible churning inside of you, anything. That's what creates the anger. So I think you have this part of you that's churning to like get out of this and you're treading in water and you're like, I don't want to feel this way. It doesn't feel good. I don't feel good. I don't feel like myself. This isn't working. Nothing's worked. When does it live? How does it live? How does this like how do I think again? When will I laugh really hard again? When will I identify with anything other than tired? Do you know and so I think that there's no one sees that in the in your head and in your heart all day long those thoughts are on a loop and they just rumble inside of you and it's's a pretty, I feel like kind of violent feeling because they're just churning and churning.

So that's why I think we get triggered by someone saying, would you like to try this? Or maybe you should try talking to your therapist twice a week instead of once. You're like, because in your head, you're like, aren't I doing enough? You have no idea because they do. They have no idea because I do feel that our bodies do desperately want to get out of the funks we get in. I feel that spiritually.

How did you get out? I had this real, why I called the book Remember Love is, I tell the story in the beginning of I'm in the bathtub and at the height of my postpartum depression with Memphis my first daughter. And I'm trying to do the things you do when you're sad, which are like, what would make me feel better? I'm like, I'm going to get in the bathtub. The bathtub makes me feel better.

I'm going to put on a podcast, I'm going to put on Tara Brock. Tara Brock makes me feel better. I'm gonna put on a podcast, I'm gonna put on Tara Brock. Tara Brock makes me feel better, but I'm still kind of in this fog, right? And so I'm like kind of going through the motions because what I at least know is, you don't feel good, do the things that make you feel better. And I actually have even seen in my life that you can fake it till you make it a little bit with that.

It doesn't heal, like you're, you're not gonna listen to one podcast or person and heal everything. But if you do the things that help enough, you see results, I find. So I'm in the tab and I'm kind of listening, kind of not. And then I hear her say, remember love. And it was as if someone yanks me from the fog,

not the depression, but from the fog, and put me in Elmas' bubble of clarity where I could clearly understand that it was time for me to start figuring it out. And those words remember love. It was two words, and that's what I needed, because what I wasn't doing was remembering love and how I spoke to myself every day because every day I only identified what I thought was wrong and I would never do that to a friend. And I realized that for myself, it was always like, why can't you think? Why can't you move faster?

Why can't you get that dull done today? Why are you spending enough time with your kid? Why aren't you able to get it together to like look cute at dinner? Like why don't you want, and it was really toxic. And so I got an opposed to it known, and I wrote the words, please remember love on it, because even saying please was the first kind of step

of kindness I needed. And once I could really identify that first and foremost I like was not remembering love within. All of a sudden I felt that I could access and really use the tools. I could slow down, I could ask for extra help. You know, I didn't end up having to or choosing to have medication to help me, but I know so many people that that has helped, but I could just start actually giving self-care to this new person. And I wasn't trying to like tell her she was wrong, I wasn't trying to shame her, I wasn't trying to. And I could actually say, okay, what do you need? How can I give it to

you in a loving way? It's always been important to me to speak about the very real things in real life that parents are really dealing with. An overall immunity is just one of those things. We want our kids to feel good in their bodies no matter what, to feel physically good inside. And we all want fewer sick days, am I right? Well, one way we can support this is with a daily prebiotic and probiotic. PDS-08 from seed is a clinically studied

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first month supply. Use code good inside at seed.com. To me, I always say this about monsters and I love them for kids too. It's like they take moments that are so big where you're anxiety and thoughts they they just expand and expand and expand. And it gives you something so simple and small to like repeat. There's like a mastery to it, right? So it really puts like a boundary around these like really overwhelming feelings.

We have it for no other reason. It's a go to to redirect. And we need those. We should not think that our mind is always going to work in our benefit. I think that we are unbelievably absorbent beings and anyone who lives with children sees that. You see that all of a sudden your daughter moves her shoulder in a way you do or you know and you never taught them to do that or asked them to do that. And so I think when you realize that we are absorbing in a world that we haven't even quite figured out how to like create this world that you know allows us to love ourselves of ease.

So as we are moving in a world and absorbing that our minds are like seeing a billboard, seeing a this, seeing a person on social media, seeing this, and it is triggering things in our brain to kind of think and go and move in a certain way. And a mantra is an anchor, it will yank you from that. And you can actually have discipline around a mantra to, as we said in the beginning, like make the first change by choosing the next thought.

And so it's, I don't think there's anything that does that better than a mantra. I just don't. I totally agree. No, you said this question, like, what do I need? Can I give myself what I need? I would love you to give some examples, because I know some people are like,

I don't know what I need. Like, how I just don't know what I need? It can feel so big and pressuring, but like, how did you walk yourself through that? You can first start with the basics of, what does anybody need? What does blanket kindness look like? Like, what does like, you know,

my kid is running and falls and scrapes her knee. What does she need? Like, she does not need someone to say say just get up and walk it off. Like they do not need that and you'd be surprised how often we're doing that to ourselves. And so I think to say like if you don't quite know what's the exact need or what you think you should even be allowed to need. You know, one of the things, I really talk about a lot in this book and I think the part of the book that's called Worthy Rebellions is there's like there's a poem in it that says you call yourself the glue but while you hold it all together who is holding you and in that so much of that is that we find pride in being needless. I need nothing.

Wow, aren't I great? Aren't I lovable? And I think first, saying to yourself, everyone should be allowed to need something, especially me, because you're saying it to yourself. So you say everyone should, what are mine? What would anyone need? And so, any single person needs to be affirmed that their experience is worthy of tenderness, time and attention.

Every single person needs it. I don't care what you're going through, whether you're at, you know, trauma or hard time is at two or a 10. You need that. And so start there. Also, I find a lot of people start a self-carotene through getting themselves water to drink in the morning. And again, I think there's something like, what do I need?

I don't know. Everybody needs water. Everybody needs hydration, right? And it seems kind of random or very simple, but it's actually really not because you're just getting in an habit of treating yourself as if you need to give yourself things, right? And if you can start that with water or a mantra,

it actually doesn't really matter, which you start because you're just starting the practice. Sunlight, there's a part of the book where I talk about how, you know, I just, like, I don't know, but I know enough to give myself cool water on my face. Sunlight on my back for a minute, putting my feet in the earth. I think that there are these things. And so much of kind of what I felt,

but also really helped me during my postpartum was kind of just this remembering or reconnecting to think sometimes we just build so many things with our hands and we're making so many man-made things that we really forget that our nature is so much more akin to the natural world than it is to like any algorithm or computer or anything else. And so I really do feel that we are built to break and repair and kind of bloom. And then we are seasonal and the feelings that come through us are seasonal.

And we do have these icy winters and things do melt. And it freaking rains and it rains. And it rains and it rains. And then something beautiful happens. It's the best sunset you've ever seen in your life. Like, and that is the nature of our lives. And I really felt that one of the first things I really did during well, while I was like, what do I need? And I was like, I need to go on a walk. And every day no matter what, I went on a walk. And I didn't, you know, I kind of put music on, but put everything else on airplane mode.

And I just noticed around me, I just said, like, I just need to, like, I wanna notice what every tree is doing in my neighborhood. And that actually helped me so much because there'd be days where I'd go in a walk, and I'd see a tree that was holding a brown leaf and a blossoming flower at the same time. And the leaf was about to fall and the flower was just coming in and they were both hanging there

at the same time. And I just thought, this is us, like this is who we are. And I felt that, so deeply, and that's why nature is such a heavy theme of this book because the book is about repair and recovery. Yeah. You know, I was just brought back to my early days after having a baby and I had to go and walk around like 4 4 30 every afternoon because if I didn't, like that's like when it was,

I had all my kids kind of in the fall. So like it was always like getting dark around them. And if I was inside my house and then like the darkness literally was coming, it felt like this like heaviness and this dread of the nighttime. Because that movement just like, and I think that's something, I don't think I realized it exactly at the time,

but that's something I needed. It wasn't so sophisticated. It was walking like three blocks outside of my apartment, going to get something, walking back home, fresh air, seeing people, like literally experiencing motion in my body. And so I just think for everyone listening, like I think we hear, especially as women,

like what do I need? Ah, I don't know, oh my goodness. And like we should have something really flowery or like really, really complex. Or it's a spa day. Right, or it's a spa day. It's actually interesting, both of us, it's talking kindly to yourself, maybe it's water,

but like movement. And it wasn't, it was just a little bit of movement. It was huge for me to. And you were kind of building in these times where your personhood is at the center. And so I think that a lot of the time when you live in a family unit, the other roles are not at the center. And I remember one of my early mantras and motherhood was your motherhood is only as powerful as your personhood. And I think when you go

on that walk or, you know, for me, it's so funny, you say 4 you know my kids are still so small and so still every day at 430 I have to take a shower because I have to have a minute to myself before the bedtime, bath time marathon begins because they're both you know a three and a half in a two year old so they're both at that age where it takes fucking forever and they torture you every step of the way I can forever and they torture you every step of the way like, you know, and that's just all they're into is just torturing you until they're down. And so it's for me, I'm like, I just need that moment, but because it's like, I'm in the shower and I take a long shower and and again, it's probably something to do like, you know, you're probably like, I just need fresh air and I'm like, I just need fresh air. And I'm like, I just need some water on my body.

And I just, and I even bring a bottle of water in the shower with me. I drink water. I have a shower. I just have that reset before I just go into the meal. And will you eat this and know you won't eat this? And will you do this? Okay. If you can wear this Princess Night Gown.

And it's so torturous. Yeah, well, I think by four, we're all out of gas in our car, but the journey's just beginning. Beginning. Yeah. Right? And so, yes, you have to fully refuel.

Or you have to at least partially refuel. Because those moments when we don't, when our kid complains about dinner, and then they don't take the bath, or they splash water, and it's no longer fun, you're just like, I'm gonna have to clean up this whole thing, and then you explode.

It's not because you're some horrible human who hates their child, that's it. It's like, what does the human body do when you literally have nothing else to give and you're in a position where you have to give and exude patience and all the things like the body implodes. That's just just just what happens. It breaks down. And that's okay. But I think also we have to just figure out how to allow for our I think it's maybe like there's something around allowing for there to be

breaks that help you avoid the breakdown. And they think that we just don't really live in, you know, this culture of giving ourselves kind of even these micro moments, like the five minutes actually to like, even if you are so stressed and you can't take the shower, you can't go on the walk, there's probably the five minutes where you can kind of lock yourself in your kind of pantry or in your in the bathroom and just say like I'm just gonna take five minutes to just have like be kind to myself and sit down, have some water and not talk to anyone and just because just, I'm going to get myself this reset.

And I think you'd be surprised, like most people are like, there's no way that could help. But like disrupting the like kind of flow when the flow starts to get a little too intense, I think always helps. How could it not? 100%. For me, it's sitting down on How could it not? A hundred percent. For me, it's sitting down on a couch

when my kids are calling me, and this is one of my favorite lines. I would say, I am not available right now. I am spending a few moments being still, and that's really important to me. And they've learned over time, and they used to protest. It was that.

Is that as good as all the other things? No, but sometimes it was two minutes of stillness on the couch, and not moving and completing. It did that. Is that as good as all the other things? No, but sometimes it was two minutes of like stillness on the couch and not moving and completing. It did shift. What happened next? Well, and guess what? As these absorbent beings, I have to say that the only way that they will ever value stillness

is by having seen a parent give space and place in the house to stillness. I remember being on tour once and someone saying to me, I never saw my mom sit down a day in her life. She said she worked all day. When she got home, she made our clothes and she cooked and she did. So she's like, the idea of self care is like, makes me sad to think about because it's so far from like, she's like, when people ask me to get there, I'm almost angry. Like, how would I know how to get to self-care? How could I ever put myself on my front burner? I've never, I always joke.

I'm like, a woman has never heard those words. Like, I'm just on my front burner right now. Like, no one has ever mentioned the burners unless they're on the back burner. And she was like, but I never saw it. And I said, you know, the greatest gift you could give to your own daughter now is to show her because you're struggling and finding places to give yourself care.

Care being a moment of stillness, a moment to self, a moment of reflection in a world that doesn't try to give us any space to reflect or contemplate because we have constant distraction in the palm of our hands. The only way we can give that to our kids is to model it. It's the only way. We can never tell them, have stillness, have care, give yourself care, take time to yourself if they never saw their parent do it. It just doesn't work. And I think it's hard because most parents struggle with like, how do I really distinguish claiming things

for myself in a way so children understand the power of claiming things like time for yourself and rejecting your kids. A friend of mine said that to me once and I was like, you know, well, I think to me, I never let my kids, especially at this age, be the people who determine like what actually happened in the situation as far as an emotion like rejection goes or true, true sadness. So like when my kids are mad that I go away or upset when I leave for work, like I could be like, I've got to go, you know, do this thing for two hours for work. And if my three year old is like in hysterics, like I know that's not the sad as she's ever been, I actually know that she can't regulate disappointment.

as she's ever been, I actually know that you can't regulate disappointment. And I also know that children, you know, can't be the people who determine that they were rejected. We have to like really help them and teach them with these words actually mean through a really long span of time. But I think we always want to tie a bow on it in the moment with kids where you're like actually rejection is something you teach kids for like 20 years, to truly understand rejection. Yeah, and I, you know, it's so interesting. I've never even thought about it as like rejection. Like when I hear it, like how do you take care of yourself and cope with your kids feeling

rejected? I guess it's just not the framework I would use. I would say and it goes back to, you know, you called out as part of your book that was one of my favorites about, you know, the glue and how, you know, if I think about a glue container, which is what so many of us are for our kids, there's no capacity to have a glue container without the container, right? Then it's just glue spilled all over. And so I guess when I think about taking care of myself and self-love and self-care and how my kids might feel about it. I'm teaching them that boundaries are a part of every form of love. There's no relationship where love exists, that boundaries between those two people aren't also, you know, an existence.

Well, I'm surprised that you haven't had someone come to you around the rejection piece. And maybe that's a word that's not often used in it. But to me, the idea of mom guilt can only exist because you're trying to avoid rejection. Like because somehow the rejection is just in there to you in some way, right? So it's like, everyone has that like I just left like on in the plane. And I'm just feeling like the mom guilt

of like not being there for bedtime or whatever. And to me somehow I think that the mom guilt is just somehow in relationship to you having this idea that you are somehow rejecting your kid. I guess I got this feeling rejected. Yes. And I guess the boundaries are always the solve for everything. Yeah, exactly. Because those are my kids' feelings, right?

Yeah. Everyone has feelings when you set a boundary. Yeah. Everyone does. Okay, I want to kind of end by asking you for everyone who's listening here, who I think might be wondering, yeah, I don't have a practice of self love. I don't have a practice of self care. If that's true, probably also, they're thinking I haven't had that modeled for me.

What's the first step that's small enough that I might think I can do that? Someone recently asked me what was the thing I noticed the most about or change me in my writing since I had kids. And I told them that when you really live with kids, it's so clear that love is your birth, right? My children really love who they are. And they don't believe that anything is wrong with them. And they certainly celebrate every part of who they are.

And so when you see that from, you know, holding that person in their first breath, that is the clearest thing to me about having a child is that, you know, loving yourself is like, is your first breath. And how do we return there? Because there's just a lot of junk that kind of gets in the way. So I think that first and foremost say, my love belongs to me through it all at my most fragile. When I feel the most kind of in my power, it doesn't matter. Like it belongs to me. And I know that for sure. And then I think when you're feeling disconnected from it, you at least like that is when I joke about the motel six, I'll leave the light

on for you. That is the light on. That's for you is that you know your love belongs to you. And then you can start trying to question how do I get there? And self-care is really that practice of how do I get there? I once wrote this thing that said, um, itself loves as I love you, self-care says, prove it. And it's kind of this way that we say, like, well, if I was

in a relationship with anybody else, how would I show them? What would I do to make it clear that I love them? I, you know, I attend to them. I'd really deeply consider them. I'd really see and notice who they were when they changed. And remember love, I wrote, you know, it's simple. Every time you change, get to know yourself again. That is an active love. That is an active care. So this idea that you continuously get to know yourself is the ultimate self-care and self-love practice. Like it will always be the ton of the 10

that like yoga or green juice or anything else really can't hold a candle to. green juice or anything else really can't hold a candle to. Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com slash podcast. You could also write me at podcast at goodinside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world. And parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered, confident, and connected. I'm so excited to share good inside membership. The first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community

of like valued parents. It's totally game-changing. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julia Nat and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Eric Obelsky, Mary Panico, and the rest of the good inside team.

And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside. I remain good inside.