Habits and Hustle - Episode 300: How to Talk to Your Kids Effectively

Episode Date: December 8, 2023

Do you struggle with talking effectively with your kids? I'm always trying to research and figure out ways to better connect with my kids and I've noticed that I’ve really improved my communication with them which has impacted our level of depth in our relationship. So today I’m sharing easy strategies to talk to your kids effectively and connect with them in an easier way helping them feel valued, seen, and heard.  What I discuss: 1:38 - How to get your kids to open up to you? 4:11 - The importance of asking open-ended questions 5:10 - How sharing personal experiences with kids can positively impact them 8:32 - Why is it important to be patient and calm with kids? 10:00 - Why is it important to respect your children’s boundaries? Thank you to our sponsor: Therasage: Head over to therasage.com and use code Be Bold for 15% off   Find more from Jen: Website: https://www.jennifercohen.com/ Instagram: @therealjencohen Books: https://www.jennifercohen.com/books Speaking: https://www.jennifercohen.com/speaking-engagements Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I got this Tony Robbins you're listening to Habits in Hustle, Crescent. Before we dive into today's episode, I first want to thank our sponsor, Therisage. Their tri-light panel has become my favorite biohacking thing for healing my body. It's a portable red light panel that I simply cannot live without. I literally bring it with me everywhere I go. And I personally use their red light therapy to help reduce inflammation and places in my body where honestly I have pain. You can use it on a sore back, stomach cramps, shoulder, ankle. Red light therapy is my go-to. Plus, it also has amazing anti-aging benefits, including

reducing signs of fine lines and wrinkles on your face, which I also use it for. I personally use Therasage Trialite everywhere and all the time. It's small, it's affordable, it's portable, and it's really effective. Head over to Therasage.com right now and use code B bold for 15% off. This code will work site-wide. Again, head over to Therasage THER AS AGE.com and use code B bold for 15% of any of their products. Hi everybody, welcome to Habitson Hustle. We are going to be diving into a topic today that is near, very near and dear to my heart. And that is children and how to talk to them effectively.

Basically, they had to talk to them effectively. Basically, they had to talk to your kids. So if you're somebody who doesn't have a kid, this episode may not be for you, but if you have a niece or a nephew or a cousin and you want to learn some really easy strategies to talk with them and connect with them in a deeper way. Listen to this episode because I will tell you something.

I have two kids. I have an eight year old and a 10 year old. And a lot of it has, for me, it's been a lot of trial and error. And I'm fortunate enough because of what I do for a living, I get to speak to some of the most amazing experts in the world, some of the best, some of the best psychologists, some of the most amazing experts in the world, some of the best, some of the best psychologists, some of the best behaviorists.

And so when I learned something, of course, like a guinea pig, I go and try it out. So some of these things that we're gonna talk about are things that I've noticed have really improved my, not just my communication with my kids, but our level of depth in our relationship. Because it's so important to me and I'm always like trying to research and figure out ways to do this. And the first thing I want to talk about is when I want my kids to open up to me.

Number one, I try to be an active listener. When I say that, I want to make sure that my phone is away. I'm paying attention. I'm making eye contact because what I think happens so often, because I've been, I've been someone who's done this so often, and my friends do it. When you're working mom and you have a million things going on and you're working on like a bunch of stuff, it's really easy just to be dismissive of your kid when they want to talk to you or when you are spending time

with them. What happens a lot of times is you're kind of half-assing it. Like you're, they're around and you're, you think because they're around you that you're actually spending quality time, but actually that's not true. So what I like to think is very effective is when you set aside dedicated time for you and your kid to spend with each other. So you actually create a set time,

not just like Lucy Goosey, but a dedicated time. And you have your phone away, and you are really paying attention, and you are locked in. And I think that kids feel that energy and I think that even if it's not super often, like even if it's like 20 minutes or 10 minutes a day, when you have that real time when you are paying full 130% attention on them, they actually feel that versus being around all the time, but not really paying attention. So my first thing is dedicated and a lot of amount of time actively pay attention and listen by, like I said, putting your phone away, making eye contact, and not interrupting when they actually speak because to me what I find is I get the most information when I

Don't say a word and they just talk and I also find that when you're placing when you're doing this in environments that it makes them comfortable It's so important some of my best conversations actually with my, have been when I'm driving them to school in the morning or when I'm putting them to bed at night, right? Because their guard is down and that's when you can really feel like they can open up. So that's a few little things. The other thing I wanted to talk about is making sure when your kids are talking to you that you ask them open-ended questions. Like that to me has been a big game changer. Like don't just ask them, how is school? Because if your kid is like mine, you're going to get a fine or what did you learn today?

Nothing. That's what I get. But then when I'm much more specific, I started to do this thing where I stayed in my kids. What was your rose today and what was your thorn? And that way, the rose is like the best moment of your day and the thorn is like the worst moment. But then you start under a you get to know what your kids doing all day or like where their attention is. And then like it opens up a dialogue. So for me, those things have been very effective. And the other thing is that I found to be really impactful is when I share my own experiences with things.

So I tell stories about things when I relate back to, maybe they're going through it based on like some of the memories I have, but how things were with me or stories about me. And I like to talk to my kids, kind of like they're like many adults. I'm not a big baby talker. I think baby talking is like a terrible way

and set to bad precedent, but I talk to them like they're like many adults. And kind of like my kids are always saying to me now. By the way, I should say, Johnny's here. Sorry, I am here. I just don't have kids. I mean, I was a kid. I am a kid. She's basically still a kid, but I don't have that. 31, you know, my birthday was on 1010. Oh, yeah, I said, I wish you a happy birthday. It's right. Yes, I do remember that. But she doesn't have any kids. So I'm just going to be riffing here. But, you know,

she's nodding on the side. But I think that, anyway, I just wanted to kind of make it notice. No, well, I'll say your kids are very smart But I think that, anyway, I just wanted to kind of make a notice. Also, your kids are very smart and it makes sense that you don't baby talk to them much. And I do notice a difference in my friends' kids who do baby talks to their kids. Really? Versus the kids who have been just spoken to as normal people, like forever. You can tell, they're sharper. They, you guys work in complete sentences and I think that they, like, your kids will engage with me on ridiculous topics.

Well, because like, I think to your point, it kids will engage with me on ridiculous topics. Well, because I think to your point, it's because I never treated them like babies. Again, I'm very age-appropriate. I don't talk, I don't swear or anything like that. Don't get me wrong, although something I want is where. But what I mean is I talk to them like they're like little people, not like little babies. I'm not big with the coddling. You know,

that's just me. I don't, I believe there's a whole thing here on coddle culture, which is a whole other podcast all together. But I believe in not coddling my kids, giving them free reign to be independent. What I mean by that is, you know, I don't, I'm not a helicopter parent. By the way, I'm no psychologist. I'm not claiming to be. And these are my tips that worked for me. I just wanna make that clear. I'm not saying this is how you should be parenting your kid or this is some things that you absolutely have to do.

All I'm saying is, I'm not the guru. I'm just a person here who's tried out a lot of different tactics and through trial and error, through speaking to some of the best people in the world. These are some of the things that they said I should attempt and try, and I'm now sharing with you the things that I found to be really helpful. So what else was I going to say? The open-ended questions are really big, choosing an environment, like places like sharing my own experiences, picking environments where the kids feel comfortable

to open up and they feel safe, get your phone away from the conversation, and really the dedicated of time makes kids feel super special of notice. And what I do is I take, I'm like, I'll take one of them each time a month for dinner by themselves or take one for ice cream or take you Know, I mean like you make these little special moments and I think is remember those things So the other ones be patient and calm that is really hard for me I have it written down here be patient and calm because it's really hard to lose your shit Especially when you got a lot on your mind and if we can take a beat and a moment be patient and calm because it's really hard to lose your shit especially when you got a lot on your mind and if we can take a beat and a moment and just take a

deep breath or walk away and then come back I find that to be way more effective than yelling. I find the when I when I've done that many times my kids get super anxious doesn't get it doesn't get me anywhere, I get unhappy, and it actually ends up making things worse. So taking a breather, walking away, if you have to, and coming right back, and then approaching a situation with more calmness and being patient, really gives your kid

that feeling of being comfortable and close. So I think those are my top, those are the ones I really strongly believe in. Give them a shot if you have a kid. Shawnee, I know you, like I said, you don't have any kids, but do you want anything to that? I will say being around kids during this time has been really refreshing for me

just because obviously you can't really bring them like the gruesome bad news of everything. But what I have seen a lot of parents do is just kind of explained to their kids, like, you know, certain things that are going on and sort of getting them and involves to a general degree of just like feeling part of the community and doing things like that. And I think that's really awesome.

But I think kids are smart. Kids are even smarter now than they ever have been before, and they will see through things. I think kids are super intuitive and they feel when things are real and authentic versus not. 100%. I wanted to make one more comment and then we can close this out that when I was saying, I want my kids to have a feeling of independence.

What I mean with that also is kind of respecting your children's boundaries. I think that is really, really important because if that's what I meant, but not being a helicopter mom, right, I think that it seems like trite or silly, but I do believe that also creates more confident bold here that we haven't used that word. Independent, I know, independent children. So. Wait, that's really important, by the way. Physical boundaries, especially, I think

are really important to give your kids autonomy over that from a young age to develop those skills of being able to say, no, I don't want to hug and being respected for that. I think is actually really valuable. It's a lesson that I feel like a lot of people in my generation wish that they would have learned, but. Oh gosh, okay, that's not. Okay, that's really fun. I want to say one funny story, have learned. Oh gosh, can that say? You were not. OK, that's really fun.

I want to say one funny story, not funny. Kind of funny, I guess, just been annoying. You mean, you're more funnier than what's happening now? I have, yeah, right. I have a friend right now, a friend who always forces her kids to give me a hug and a kiss when they see me. Like, go give Jennifer a kiss. And she's like, the kid is so awkward and uncomfortable.

And they're like, go give her a hug and a kiss. Give Dylan a hug and a kiss. Give, you know, a, and she's like, the kid is so awkward and uncomfortable. And they're like, go give her a hug and a kiss, give Dylan a hug and a kiss, give, you know, a gift and a hug. Give the whole family and she's like, so uncomfortable and it makes me uncomfortable, the kid's uncomfortable. And I'm like, lady, I'm not gonna say her name, like chill out, like, I don't need the hug and kiss. And like, the kid's doing it because she feels uncomfortable.

It's like, such a bad, weird, awkward, like, just dynamic. It's like a weird thing, weird, awkward, like just dynamic. It's just dynamic. It's like a weird thing. Don't do that. You're teaching your kid that they can't say no to physical things. Right. It's really a negative mentality to instill in. And like no one should have to feel like they have to do things.

Like there's no right or wrong greeting. In Japan, you bow. Do you know what I mean? That's a great answer. You kiss both cheeks, right? And Italy, I think you kiss three. Like greetings are different everywhere here. We have handshakes for business.

Meaning like, I think whatever greeting you're comfortable with in today's 2023, you should be able to use. And that includes kids. I like that. We're gonna end with that. By the way, please leave a comment. Let me know what you think. If you have any suggestions beyond what we just talked about.

If you're someone who's a we just talked about, if you're someone who's a parent and you've had the strategy that worked, let me know. Please, I love it. I'd love to know. And please leave a review because it really helps. I always forget to tell people that. So I'm telling you guys now. Thank you. Bye. This episode is brought to you by the YAP Media Podcast Network. I'm Halataha, CEO of the award-winning digital media empire YAP Media, and host of YAP Young & Profiting Podcast, a number one entrepreneurship and self-improvement podcast where you can listen, learn, and profit. On Young and Profiting Podcast, I interview the brightest minds in the world and I turn their wisdom into actionable advice that you can use in your daily life.

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