Hamish & Andy - 2024 Ep 244 - I Will Not Mention Mr. Ralph

Episode Date: March 20, 2024

The boys have a new initiative to ensure that Mr. Ralph is NEVER mentioned again on the show. Hamish has an incident with a spider and thinks they're getting more intelligent and Andy's back with a new round of "Who Did I See?" Plus, the guys listen to YOUR submissions to find out who will be the lucky winner of Hamish's two white tiger heads. 1. I will not mention Mr. Ralph 2. Spiders are getting ballsier 3. Who did I see? 4. Tiger head giveaway & song submissions 5. Andy’s apartment fiasco 

A listener production. Activate your internet because the Hamish and Andy podcast starts in 3, 2, sorry, still buffering. One. Ahoy to me, Bactrian Hamish. Bactrian. Bactrian. Bactrian, Hamish. Bactrian? Bactrian. Oh Bactrian, so fully charged if I'm a Bactrian.

TBC if I'm a Bactrian. Bactrian. Ahoy to me Dromedary. Ahoy! Oh, camels. He's got it! Are we really? He's got it!

Yes, sorry. That is... Oh Bactrian, yes. Wow, how come you knew that a Dromedarian... A Dromedarian is a... Is that a two hump or a one hump? That is a single hump. Single hump, yes. And a camel is a classic double hump.

Bactrian camel, which is you, aka a Mongolian camel, two humps. And let me guess, you're some sort of exotic triple hump. The king of camels. And let me guess, you're some sort of exotic triple-humpa. The king of camels. Heavily domesticated, dromedary, they're one-humped. Single-humpa, but they're the tallest of the three camel species. I'm the wild Bactrian. Very endangered. But mythical.

Legend has it how many are left? A thousand. Not legend. Less than a thousand. They think a thousand left in the wild. Well then it is legend. Does legend assume that it's not true? Well I mean I'm being, I'm probably being a bit rough there on scientific estimates,

but I think it would be fun to replace any estimate in science with legend has it. True. Also, ahoy to Jonathan who used the very easy to use system in HamishNandy.com. Tell us what he's been up to. Ahoy numbers one through to six. Jonathan here with some pro bono legal advice. Each year you seem to spend countless hours and dollars fighting the tyranny of the government mandated break when all you have to do is treat the podcast as a hobby. There's no such thing as a government mandated hobby break. Jack had it right all along. Smarter, not harder. Keep pumping out content.

Mate, thank you, but I could never do that. You're too professional. Too professional, aren't you? Too professional. I mean, I'd love to, Jack, I'd love to sit at your weasel port and learn from you and just take some tips on how to take it less seriously. You can still approach your hobby professionally. Oh yeah. When do you think you might start?

Haim, you and I wanted to kick off the show with something. We did. Speaking of hobbies, Jacko and Weasling as it happens. We need you to chat to our mate Jaco. We mentioned at the top of the year this season that there was a few things we thought would leave behind. Yep. Ep 2 for one. One of the things that popped up, Jaco ready for the look of disdain.

One of the things that popped up was Mr Ralph. Your, the mysterious legend has it. Yes. The mysterious figure that is known only to your wife's mom. Yeah, your mother-in-law. And he resides somewhere in America. He was able to get you dirt cheap slash free business class. You have some in the cannon at the moment.

Yes. Ready to fire them. We were ready to go on July, the break this year. So the terror. They're secured. Yeah. The terror that washes through your veins every time we mention Mr. Relf. Unfortunately for you, last year Mr. Relf became quite funny to talk about.

And that's alarm bells for Jacko. But lots of things that are funny come to an end. Seinfeld was very funny, but they brought it to an end. And I felt like Mr. Ralph had run his course of funniness. We agree. You know what? I know you probably think we're going the other way here, but we absolutely hear you. And we were like, look, more, let's, I mean, don't get us wrong. We still find it very amusing to dig into speculators to who this guy is.

But it's a hotspot for the whole family. I've seen spoken to Bianca, your wife. Yep. Yep. She's... We get it, man. She didn't say, she didn't formally send a cease and desist letter, but the tone of voice was definitely of that.

It wasn't two thumbs up, go, we're all loving this over here on our side of the fence. No, dear, it wasn't that. Yeah. So we hear you, go well or love it is over here. No, dear, it wasn't that. Yeah. So we hear you, we want to pop a lid on it. Yep. In fact, we kind of want to right our wrongs and we think that this should do it if you'll allow us to play this Jacko. Hi, Hamish and Andy here. And over the last few months, we've had a lot of fun examining just how Jack is able to get free business class flights to and from America for him and his wife. The source being, of course, a mysterious figure known only to Jack's mother-in-law who goes by the name Mr Ralph. No matter what angle we try to discover Mr Ralph's true identity, Jack remained tight-lipped.

Which is not surprising, as tightness is the main reason he enjoys the fruits of Mr Ralph's special tickets, Jack remained tight-lipped, which is not surprising, as tightness is the main reason he enjoys the fruits of Mr Ralph's special tickets in the first place. Mr Ralph, like Kaiser Soze and all good enigmatic shadow figures, proved notoriously hard to track down. And as our digging deepened, so too did Jack's anxiety that all this very good-natured probing would create the one thing Mr Ralph doesn't want.

Attention. If Mr Ralph becomes too talked about, Jack fears, probably with merit, that Mr Ralph will catch wind of it in America and shut down the freebie bonanza Jack and his wife so deliriously consume, forcing Jack to pay full whack for plane tickets. Like everybody else. A nightmare scenario for him. Now, fun is fun, but we hear you Jacko. No one wants to see a hard working young weasel lose his greatest weasel prize simply because it's funny to keep talking about Mr Ralph.

So starting today we are taking the I will never mention Mr Ralph oath. By taking the I will never mention Mr Ralph Oath, we are pledging to not only stop mentioning Mr Ralph, but encouraging others to do the same. That's why, as of today, at HamishandAnnie.com, you can buy our most serious and important t-shirt yet. The I will never mention Mr Ralph t-shirt to show that you too have taken the oath,

and no matter what, we'll not talk about Mr Ralph anymore. We dream of a society where we all wear the I will never mention Mr Ralph t-shirt, and we can all never mention Mr Ralph together. So get your limited edition t-shirt today. Get some for friends who like oaths too, and show that by never mentioning Mr Ralph,

you're not just a listener who keeps their ears open, you keep your mouth shut too. From now on, no more mentioning Mr Ralph, ever. Except of course when promoting t-shirts which has a net benefit to long-term Mr Ralph silence. Here we go, Jacko. You're welcome. Joke or real? Real. The t-shirts. Yeah. Very real. They're awesome. They're actually my favorite t-shirt. the T-shirt. They're awesome. They're actually my favorite T-shirt. You can go to amishnetty.com now and join this pledge. Join it. Don't just say, I'm not going to mention Mr. Ralph. Prove it by wearing the T-shirt.

We're also got a little drop down bar encouraging people to tell us where they won't mention Mr. Ralph. It could be a family function. For instance, I've got my family coming around. I'm not going to mention Mr Ralph. Hey, what's with the t-shirt? Nope. Okay. I'll tell you quickly, but you then have to promise not to mention Mr Ralph. Big print on the t-shirt or small?

No, you'll be pleased to know. This is, this is, no, this is. Boy, it's obvious. We were, we thought that's a worry. So what we've actually done is printed it on the inside of the t-shirt. It's actually, you can still see it very, very clearly, but it's almost like the shadow of the print behind it. So it's not attention seeking.

Yeah, no, it's actually a cool method. That's what I said, it's my favourite t-shirt we've ever done. We've printed it on the inside. So when you're wearing it, you will know it. Turns out we printed it on like a light gray out. I still clearly see it. You can clearly see it from here. So just go to the website to check it out. Just a mistake.

And one last thing, does it ship overseas or should we keep it out of the US? Oh, I think it can be. Probably good to have the silence in the US too. We don't want people talking about Mr. Ralph over there. That's where we want it the most. That's where we want the most silence. Because that's where he might hear about it. We should dump them over Miami from a light air crowd.

We don't know where he is. We don't know where he is. We suspect he's in that area. I mean, it's a big place. We'd probably dump them over the whole of Florida. Oh, all right. When have you could organize a SpaceX launch from Cape Canaveral to deliberately explode just as it's off the coast with a prevailing wind and the whole cargo of t-shirts which

is waft across Florida. Like we said though, it's only to make sure everyone is properly informed that we're buttoning this up. Yeah, people say like once the genie's out of the bottle, you can't put it back in. I think we can. This is a huge global effort to squash that genie back in the bottle. Take the oath. And I assume, now that you've taken the oath, this will be the last

mention of it on the show. Absolutely. As I accept, as we said in the sort of the fast print there, unless we're promoting the t-shirts to encourage more Mr. Ralph silence, because we do feel in our hearts that we'll have a net long-term benefit to keeping a lid on the Mr. Ralph silence, because we do feel in our hearts that will have a net long-term benefit to keeping a lid on the Mr. Ralph thing. So you've got to mention it a little to get a lot of silence. Exactly.

Little for a lot. One step back. Two steps back. Little for a lot, like the airfare deal. Don't worry, it ain't going nowhere. This T-shirt thing should knock it on the head. This t-shirt thing should knock it on the head. And over the mandated break, I had a few incidents that worried me.

And I'm going to put it out on the podcast in case anyone had the same situation, or if it was just an unfortunate occurrence for me. So is it? I want to see if this is a trend. Okay. Here's my, I want to see if this is a trend. Okay. Here's my, here's my hypothesis. I think spiders and I don't know if this is climate change related or whatever. Spiders are getting more ballsy.

Huntsman in particular. Really? Mate. They used the situation with Huntsman used to be, yeah, I'm arachnophobic, so I'm very, very scared of them, but I always knew that the ace I still theoretically knew I had in my back pocket was I am- Human. Human. And I will beat you if you had to look at our trump card stats.

I have more chance in a fight than you do, even though I'm terrified. As Pokemon, you though I'm terrified. As Pokemon, you get him for strength. Yep, exactly. My attacks are better, my health points are better, my power ups are better. Jack, are we in the ballpark there for a... Yeah, pretty good. Yeah, well, I'm learning to do off my son.

So that's the thing, but now spiders... I've had three instances where I've had a ballsy, a ballsy Huntsman. What are they doing? I'll go in order of terror. Okay. The first one I've got, cause I use the bugger salt, right? I use them on Huntsman. I use it on Huntsman.

Yeah. It's actually really good for Huntsman. Wow. Cause I've in Sydney, the humidity actually makes the salt clog up a bit. So you can either put rice in it like some cafes do to stop it clumping. Yep. Or you just got to make sure you use fresh salt because otherwise when the salt is sticky, it obviously doesn't go into the weapon. When we say bugger salt. Sorry, the bugger salt is a shotgun that fires iodized table salt. It flies predominantly, but it can also kill, can even kill cockroaches like armor piercing. Really? Hit them in the right angle. And then,

and huntsmen. I quite like it because the only hunting that at this show, um, endorses. Yep. Happy to have it a hunt with the bug assault. Quite like it because concurrently to spiders getting ballsier. I think one of the great lies in the, in the marketing world is fast acting bug spray, fast acting on a fly, even on flies, it's not fast knockdown. They zoom around like mad for a while.

Like where's the poison? My name is not safe for humans, but where's the poison where you literally split and they are dead in the next second. Cause my, my Beck is also a Ractophobic and she doesn't like the spray on a Huntsman because they seem to pump some up. Pumps them up. You go, you go to the drawing is going fast action kill spray. I go, okay, spray it.

Then they start doing the dance all over the wall. They could come at you. Like that's what we hate about them. I want, where's the spray was like spray dead. But how, how close do you have to get with the bugger? So I wouldn't have thought you'd like being that close. You have to get a little close quarters, but at least with the right hit, it can, it can kill them quickly.

And then when they shrink into that shriveled up maneuver, then you know, so first instance was like outside the bedroom window, right? I had that moment. I saw a Huntsman on the glass. I was like, Oh, inside or outside. Realized just from the shape of the spot. I was like, okay, it's outside. As if it saw me, it then went like like we got slide up, slide down windows,

it went to the next door to have a try. To get in. Yeah, and then went along to one that was open. Started crawling along. It's like a criminal checking all the windows. It's like it saw me and was like, all right, we're on, I'm coming in. And I slammed the window,

he was like, what was that all about? He saw me see him. Yeah. Anyway, so sort of put that in my eye because once they see it outside, I'm assume I put a lot of faith in birds and bird will get him. So that's fine. Or he can just live. No, honestly, not on my property.

Yeah. Okay. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Next one, the garage, right? Bec doesn't like me when I take them outside.

Why? They're coming straight back in. Beck does not like it. So, change the policy. Shot one in the garage with the bugger saw, right? It shriveled up. Okay? Shriveled up. That's it. That's normally the indication. It was like a dog wagging its tail for happiness. The shrivel up is normally, life has left them. It was in a web, right?

And I pumped another round into it. And it's like bouncing around in the web. I was like, all right, you're done. I'm still, because I'm a people that are scared of spiders, when it's still, you're not going up there to like get it with a tissue or whatever. I was just like, I'll just leave that for now. And maybe later I can get it with a broom or something. Take the bugger salt back inside. Then I'm going to do a few other things going back into the garage to then drive out. Just, you know, for peace of mind, look up just to clock the corpse. Right. It's gone. Okay. So they're getting sneaky. Yeah. Not only that, but I saw him moving away like out the crease of the garage. Right.

So it's like, so they know to play dead now. Yeah. That's a new trick, isn't it? That's very much a new trick. That's what we're meant to do with bears around. So yeah, maybe they saw the revenant or something and they're watching through the window and then they're telling everyone, oh, you know, this guy Leo, he actually won the Oscar for it. This is a really good tactic.

Anyway, third one, this is the wildest one. I'm on my toilet, you know, at my house, toilet near the kitchen. Yes. Next to the laundry. Yep. No one was home. Okay. So I just a little bit of sometimes a little bit when you live in a house with like kids,

you know, wife, everything, a little bit of a treat to him. I'm actually never allowed to go in that toilet. No, not normally you're the domain. It's the ground floor. Yeah. But I knew I had the house to myself for a few hours. So I was like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to treat myself.

I'm going to do a gone in 60 minutes. And I'm in a poo. Not only am I going to go in this toilet, which I'm usually never allowed to sit down on. I've done wheeze in it, but I'm just very rare I sit down on it. I'm going to go here door open. Like, do you know that Jack? Yeah. When you're home alone. I don't know why it's a treat, but it feels like a treat.

Yeah. You're just like, finally. I think because when you have kids, you you've bought this house, then you seed all control. Yes, exactly. So you're just like, I did everything to get this house, then you seed all control. Yes, exactly. So you're just like, I did everything to get this house, it was, Oh, and I did everything to get this house, but, and as the grownups were actually the, I'm the lowest of the food chain, somehow I'm the lowest on the food chain. Yeah. Even though I felt like I did quite a lot to put ourselves here.

My status of my card, my family card is kind of a protest poo. It's not emerald. It's a protest poo without doing it on the floor. You get that level of protest, but it's more just like, you know what? For now, I'm the king of the castle as long as no one else is home and can challenge this right. Anyway, so I'm, I'm in that mindset. Like I'm enjoying myself.

I'm on my phone just in dad heaven. I see something out of the corner of my eye. So the orientation is the door's open and you can see into the laundry. I see something out of the corner of my eye and my brain doesn't even register it for a second because it's, I thought it must be the reflection of my watch maybe. You know, sometimes you see that like on the wall or something because it moves quite fast, I know sometimes you see that on the wall or something, because I don't even know it's quite fast, but it's black, brownie black. And my gaze goes over, it's a huntsman,

not moving, running. Running, Andy. Like Liam Neeson. Like Tom Cruise in his movies. Like if he had fast arms, Jack could never do this. Certainly not at the start of the year. Just like sprinting. I've never actually seen one. Like it sort of moves up on its sort of tippy toes.

Even this is just making my skin crawl. Think about it. Running, so it runs out of the laundry. Maybe it knows that at this, cause remember this time of day, usually no one's home. So it's almost like they know when we're out. So it was sort of like, let's get into position. That was my first thought. He's sprinting in. He thinks the house is unattended, he sprints out of the laundry, again sees me and he sprints out of the laundry. Again, sees me looking at him, just terrified,

takes a beeline and runs at me. While you're on the toilet. At me, Andy, like at my feet, right? Which has got like shorts around the ankles. I was like, I can't believe this. I had to leap off the toilet over. He ran at me. He charged me.

He got you in a vulnerable position. It's not like running off the walls. But I was like a rodeo clown having to leap him like a spider clown. So I leaped him and I ran out into the kitchen naked with my pants around my ankles. No longer King of Fragasso. I just was like, what was that? And I was kind of traumatized and very vulnerable. Like pants down around your ankles, like a three year old.

I mean, and then had to kind of like, all right, just like waddled off to the upstairs toilet. Yeah. So like completely demoted. Yeah, yeah. Do you remember I was like, I'm the top of the food chain, cause no one else was around

and literally a spider came in the house and I sank back to second. Had to go and waddle to the toilet and then had to go and yeah fish out the bug assault and go and hunt him out of the toilet. Yeah, yeah look it's a serf and all that I know this is going wrong but I pumped around into him and you don't you don't hit him every he doesn't disable him he doesn't kill him every time it's kind of like I would draw with how the salt spreads. I hit him and I shocked him and he ran around behind the sink. No, he's there. Well, then I, then I got the allegedly fast kill stuff out and it was like a

disco in there. It was so misty. Closed the door and, um, let the product do its work. Yeah. Just assumed that no one's coming out of there alive, but, uh, they're ballsy. Something's going on. I don't like it. And you'll never use that toilet again, regardless now. I could never, I'll never be able to sit there again without remembering the sprint.

He ran at me. Haim, I got back from a quick trip to the States a couple of weeks ago. You did. And you know the game I like to play. We all like to play it, Andy. Whenever any of us go overseas, we like to share famous celeb sightings, be it in Los Angeles and James Corden,

for you, I think, one time, or be it in Copenhagen and Bruce Springsteen's wife. Almost definitely Bruce Springsteen's wife. It doesn't matter where we are, what the capital city, if there's celebs, we'll see him, we'll turn it into a game. So yes, my game has been easy to pick you would say, because I normally go top tier generally. I think people like the Danish version.

The Danish, Bruce Springsteen's wife version. Anyway. Don't forget, I saw her twice. Danish, Bruce Springsteen's wife version. Hmm. Anyway. Don't forget I saw her twice. I've got one sighting from New York. You seem to be moving on, sir. One sighting in New York and one sighting in LA. Let's play Who Did I See?

First clue. I'm not related to Bruce Springsteen. Dammit. It could be anyone. No one famous. Already we've lost a big scalp. I was hugely famous in the 2000s with my sister. Mary Kate Olsen. Is it an Olsen? No, that was earlier than the thousands and she's still very famous now. No, not an Olsen. Here's a new clue. Probably gives Hamish a spot. Is it an American personality?

Probably gives Hamish a slight advantage. Hamish and Andy traveled down to Anglesey to do a workshop during a summer to work up a show for Channel 7 that could potentially be a special on this person. That's impossible for me to get. We didn't go to Anglesey for that. I think we did.

Or did we just discuss it during a trip to Anglesey? No, I think we did. It's Nicky Hilton. And you know, just a quick tip for any young entertainers in their 20s who are thinking of doing a special for Nikki Hilton. Number one, you don't need to travel. Travelling won't help you get a better idea for the Nikki Hilton special.

I'm struggling to understand what the TV show would be about. Paris Hilton and Nikki Hilton were huge at the time. They were big. There was a director called John who said to us, hey, I've got access. This is how things happen. We were 22 years old or something. We'd been axed from channel seven. So immediately you're on the back foot, right?

So we'd had our first TV show, like it lasted five episodes or something. So you're on the back foot. Sick. Sorry, sick. I got axed after five, but we're allowed to air the six. I pretend it was a short run niche series. So we were allowed to record it six. Yes. And pretend it was a short run. Niche series. So we were allowed to record it. That's it guys.

Trying to pretend that that was it. We always plan for six episodes. We took the British approach. Yep. Very a boutique hit. Yeah, and so then it was like, listen, you know, you guys are short on options. Because if we said, what about a funny show with Hamish and Andy?

They'd go, well, we just tried one of those. We asked him. So we're like, well, we need, you guys need a new angle. And so yeah, there was a guy that had, it wasn't even solid, was it? By the time we thought it was. He said, I've got a connection to Nicky Hilton. He was also the director from our show.

We'd never, you know, and he was like, well, I'd like a job too. So he's like, he's like, I have, it was like, I have access to Nicky Hilton, we could do a half hour special. That would be big. And we were like, okay, well come back to you with some ideas. We better take an easel and some Butch's paper down to Angle C. If you can't think of ideas in the room,

traveling to a seaside location is most likely not going to help. And I think, I wonder how far through the first sheet of butcher's paper, before someone in the room had the guts to put their hand up and go, what if we don't want to do this? Could that be, could we put that in one column on the butcher's paper? Can we do a little Venn diagram of things we don't want to do and see if all of our feelings overlap with that?

Anyway, good one, Amy. So how's Nikki going these days? Where'd you see her? How'd you see her? Good. She's walking. She's still walking. I saw her walking in.

That was going to be the intro of the special. How does she do it? Amy, should Amy present Nikki Hilton in? By Pedal. Did Andy present Nicky Hilton in Bipedal? Well, so we're walking through Soho in a fairly good walking pace, quicker than others crossing the road once. Maybe there was a special. You're right. Just hearing you say this, this is good.

Okay, we move now to Los Angeles. First clue. I'm again not related to Bruce Springsteen. Damn it, I'm again not related to Bruce Springs. Damn it, I'm out. I have a ripped body though, that has recently been seen on a beach in a movie. Very, very big movie.

Probably the biggest movie of last year. Is June a beach? There's a lot of sand in June. Oh, Barbie. Barbie, is it Beach Barbie? I thought it was the biggest movie of last year. Maybe theater four, okay. Okay, so it's not Barbie? Is it Beach Barbie? I thought it was the biggest movie of last year. Maybe theater four? Okay. Okay, so it's not Barbie?

There was not Barbie. This is the gods. This is huge. There was a lot of rumours about me or this person dating Sydney Sweeney when he shot out in... Oh, Glenn Powell. Glenn Powell! GP! I don't think I know who Glenn Powell is.

LAUGHTER Granny. The pal. Chairman pal. I don't think I know who Glenn Powell is. The pal, Chairman Powell. He was the hangman in Maverick alongside Tom Cruise. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Amongst many other things, Mike could slide me if he's quick enough on his IMDB. You were about to do a half hour special on Glenn Powell. We were going to do a Channel 31 show on Glenn Powell. So I'm standing, waiting for a car.

Still standing. Don't think it would have been... Hilton v Powell, walking v standing. Who will come off best? Gosh, all we need now is for you to have seen one sitting and you'll have nailed three celebrities doing some of the three most common body actions. A lot shorter than you think. Lot shorter than you think. Yeah. They would not have had to put the seat forward in his fighter plane.

Let's not forget when I ran into Bruce Springsteen's wife twice, I actually had a conversation with it. We hung out in the lift. Then we had a bit of fun at the buffet. None of this walk and sit and standing stuff. Yeah, that's good. She's not a celebrity. She's probably a middle-aged woman.

We did have to kick her out of our Uber. Keep the chat to anyone. Only room for five at the Lego Museum. Sorry, bye. Time for one more. Okay, as soon as I saw her, this song started playing in my head. Oh, I know that. Oh, it's White Lotus. Someone from White Lotus. Jennifer Coolidge. Jack's got it. Yes. Haven't even seen White Lotus. You haven't seen anything, mate. I don't watch a lot because I've got a baby. There's so many.

I'm never taking care of it. You're just playing chess. Name two kittens. Name something you've seen. I bet you can't. I saw Oppenheimer. Oh, wow. I've seen Oppenheimer.

Oh, that. When? Jennifer Coolidge. At the cinema. Okay. Name something you've seen, like a popular film you've watched at home. No, I'd never watch a movie at home. Never. Just don't have the time to. What do you watch then?

Sometimes like a half hour Curb Your Enthusiasm episode. Have you done Succession? Yes, loved Succession. Okay, something, some touch point for the audience to go. This man knows about television. Jennifer Coolidge. Standing. Sorry. Oh, no. Did it get a sitting?

Did not get a sitting. Um, standing the lights on Sunset Strip. Covered head to toe, gloves, scarf, wide brimmed hat. Obviously very sun conscious. Probably not her. Andy's last day in New York. Shit. Haven't got a who did I see for the boys. Probably pass that off as Jennifer Coolidge.

It was definitely Jennifer. It wasn't like when you saw the six guys, Sebastian's, that look alike in one day. Three on one block. How? Ando. Last week on the show, last week, week before last week, an exciting offer was put forth to the people. Oh, yes. I've had some submissions. Boy, have we ever. What I would have a dribble, we have had a genuine flow. Yep. Wouldn't say it's cascade. It's not torrent. No, that would be everyone. But dozens and dozens verging on quite a few. I would say roughly in the 50s iron, right? Which is more than I thought we'd get for this. This is, we're of course referring to the two white tiger mascot heads that I own that arrived some months late. Yes. mascot heads that I own that arrived some months late from Timu or Xi'an.

I can't remember which site I used, but one of the powerful Chinese shopping sites, who I can't complain, certainly do offer a wide range of products at insane prices. Yes. But I can't hand on heart say that they're going to arrive on the day they say they're going to arrive because they're a couple of months late. So I have two well-traveled white tiger mascot heads. The fancy dress party I needed them for has long gone. That doesn't mean that they should go to waste.

The call was put out to the listeners. Do you want them? If you do, you must submit your request to the tune of Eye of the Tiger. Yes. And boy oh boy, have I enjoyed listening to these. I just kept flicking them to you. I didn't listen to them. Okay. I know this was your realm. One question I did have for you, Ham off the Bat, and you may be revealed as you're going to play for you, I'm sure. There was discussion as to whether are they doing the part or are they doing the

actual verse, you know? No, I thought, and this is addressed in this package, this audio package, sort of as we narrate through them, I thought I had just said go straight to the chorus. I thought I did say that, but anyway, not everyone took that on board. I've had to whittle them down, but I think this gives us a scope of who's entered and who ultimately will be walking away with those white tiger mascot heads. Well, Tiger fans, it has been a huge week of sifting through some very, very good submissions for people wanting the White Tiger mascot heads.

The musical quality and lyrical flair has been exceptional. I want the tiger from my bedside table. Yeah, I want to turn into a lamb. Now as we all know, a fake White Tiger head is a very very special and versatile item so an airtight case must be made to own one and therefore I must be harsh on judging the submissions. I need them for my silly Saturday I know that it's a little while away I want the tiger head for no reason at all I will wear it around my house Dating apps are pretty dire but with tiger heads they can look like a thought I want the tiger

Okay, I'm given up now I want the head of the tiger for my footy club We are the canning tigers in Perth WA. It's a lovely thought but I googled the canning tigers like most footy teams are an orange tiger based team. It's worth mentioning that honesty was often used as a policy and I appreciated it. Hey Mitch I want the tiger head that's in the conditions but that does seem to have been routinely ignored by a lot of entrants so maybe I didn't. I blame number six for this part this is his fault. Much love. Look I was never going to award this on music production alone but

I will admit higher production value was soothing to this tiger's ears after a fair few raw acapellas so So special mention to Nathan, who grabbed his guitar. For logistical purposes, I can take just one or them both. That's if Jack doesn't try sell them first. I want the Tiger. However, it was a well-produced song, including some vocal mixing, that yielded our first winner. Take them off us when the night falls Just for Dungeons and Dragons and we swim off and butch All night long good PG rated fun

With the Tiger I'm not exactly clear on some of the Dungeons and Dragons terms, yeah, but those guys were very good and they are getting just one of the Tiger heads, which I believe still with some imagination could lead to some weird bedroom stuff, if that's what they want. That left one tiger head remaining to award from by far the most popular category,

which was people wanting to scare other people. I want the tiger, because I've got three small boys. And I'm looking for ways to make them fear me. Hide in the garden, give them hell of a fright, because I will be wearing the head of a tiger. The Scare submissions went on thick and fast, but there could be only one winner from the Scare category and the ultimate recipient of the second head and it's Ronnie. Cause I'd love the tiger head to scare the crap out of my partner it'd be funny.

We're expecting a baby soon so I'd love to be a giant pregnant tiger jumping out the cupboard. So there's a pregnant woman who's going to be jumping out of a bedroom wearing the tiger head with a baby in her and two D&D enthusiasts jumping into a bedroom wearing a tiger head to maybe put a baby inside them. The circle of life continues. It's not the same as Lion King because it's a different big cat, but it works. Great choices. Outstanding.

Great choices. I mean, it's... To grab a lion from every single talent quest show, everyone performs so well. They did perform so well. That's going to be such a hard decision. It was, Andrew. I wish we had more heads to give out. Who knows?

Who knows that we might end the year with a white tiger blitz. But I think the musical submission process really livens the game up. And I'm not, I know there's heaps and heaps and heaps of history and shit with the Nobel people, but if you could, if you'd look at it for one year, I think you'd enjoy the submissions a lot more if you're running the Nobel prizes, if you did a musical. Yeah. Oh yeah. And then Albert Einstein, he's a hell of a guy. Funny hair, but a big brain.

I loved that our winner, I mean, perfect choice for the winner, but the only lyric, which is I have a tiger at the end, cheat change to out of a cupboard. You've got to love someone that breaks down the norms. Hey, you mentioned during the week that whenever I'm joining a meeting via Zoom, it looks like I'm on the TV show hunted because I've got a different background and I'm coming from a different location. I just, I'm like, what has happened, Ando? Would you like to talk about it with the group?

I don't have a house at the moment. You always sit furthest from the door in here. I don't have a house at the moment. People may remember last year, I was in an apartment, we're renting it, it got flooded because they went to do a fire hydrant check. They forgot it was uncapped. They pumped thousands of litres a second into the house. And the guy... Pressure is good, cap is bad. It's sort of the two things on the check there.

And the apprentice that was doing it caused quite a fuffle. Have I told you that every single resident has moved out? It ruined every single apartment. Twelve stories. It was like the Hoover Dam burst in, like on the top floor. Cause you couldn't have designed a better flood. Basically. It was almost like they installed that as a flooding tap.

Yep. If I remember correctly, Jack, help jog my memory here. But on the episode where Andy was like carefully relaying the circumstances around the apprentice, was he perhaps he did it was the apprentice's problem or was he Andy like going, oh, it's not this guy's fault. Or there was some conjecture. We reached out to see if they'd like to come on. And he said he'd rather not have a laugh about it.

The boss said, we're not ready to laugh about that. And then when we realized that we see more and more people packing their things and leaving and the place has been closed since last year to try and restore it. It's still not funny yet. I'll check back in with them. Might still be, the humor scale might still even be dropping. It might not have dipped yet. So I was away when that happened.

Yeah. Right. Which is great. Bec was like, that's it for me. Bec was like, that's it. We're moving out. Right. At the time. We were the top floor. So it all just went down. Everyone underneath. They had to move out straight away because it was ceilings, walls, floors, everything. We had a lot of drying stuff in the house for a while and we hadn't had to move out straight away. Cause it was ceilings, walls, floors, everything. We had a lot of drying stuff in the house for a while and we

hadn't had to move out yet, but we've since, since as you're about to find out have moved out. The next thing that happened was a pipe, a gas pipe burst. In the same building or new building? Same building. So we stayed while others moved out. As I said to Hamish at the time, I hate moving. It's a real rigmarole.

I'm going to, and I wasn't there for the original flood. So I'll go. It's just some squelchy floors. Yeah, exactly. You were hoping to double down on, no, no, no, come on, this place will be great. They've sorted it all out. Gas burst, gas pipe burst. Bec had no hot water and no cooking for five days.

I was away on a golf trip. To quote a friend, good news for me. It was great. I actually don't even think he said good news for me. I think he just said it's like good news there. That was great. I think you said that was great. Two weeks later, I get back. I had one day of no gas and I was like, so bad, you know, invigorating shower.

You know, I have a cold shower and she's not having it. She wants to move out. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. It's going to be fine. I go away again. The lift breaks. Becca has to walk up and down 12 flights of stairs. She rings, goes, we're out of here. But at the moment, it's a situation where the house hasn't really done anything wrong to me while I've been at it.

It's kind of like, you know, a guy goes up, a guy goes, why do you hang out with Dave? He's a bit of a dick. It's like, oh, he's pretty good to me. He's pretty funny to us. So this house has real trouble with anything in encased in a tube. Does it like whether it's a lift of water, it just can't contain things or residents, it turns out. It's leaking residents. So Beck puts pressure on me again and I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. They're sorting it all out. The next people are going to read this. Any rent reduction at this stage? Because

I mean, it's not really a big deal. Jack, trust me, he will not leave that battle with him. Actually, that's another thing he likes I bet he's getting enjoyment from that This is music to any see not only is not only is he putting for birdie on the seventh But he's just said that he's got another card to play when he gets to emailing the body corporate What a day then couldn't want the grin off his face Thanks having an absolute mayor at the apartment. I've got this guy Got more ammunition

Very true actually and the So then Where two days before Christmas the building gets robbed burglars came in? We drove back from the beach, got there. They had, they'd actually stolen a lot of things from other apartments, but ours was remained untouched. So again, Dave has not been a dick to me. Too far to walk up the stairs to yours. Yes.

My luck ran out, uh, just a few weeks ago, the apartment flooded again. No far higher than issue, just a ceiling based, ceiling, seal issue. It's like, if this was in the Old Testament, you had definitely angered God. Yeah. I mean, like, it's just like plague upon plague has like, what have you done, Andy? So now Bex going, see Dave is a bit of a dick. You saw him last night.

I'm like, yeah. This is the sort of thing Dave does all the time. This is what we've been telling, talking to you about. I'm still, I still want to stay. No, five strikes. That's enough. How many strikes? Jack, you're spot on.

This is a hundred percent because you're enjoying the power struggle with the body core. No, it's not. It's just that moving, I feel like they're going to sort it out. You've got nothing left to move. All your stuff's ruined. It's like, it's wet inside your house. This is like when we went on adventures with my dad and he was like, oh, let's go home. He's like, no, no, this is good. We love being out here in the rain. This is good. There's a little bit of that. Dad, there's a gas leak in the tent.

I'm going to stay, I'm going to hold firm. What will it take? A fire. Is the answer. Very hard. Your house is completely damp. You live in a wet sponge. You're going to have to put a lot of lighter fluid on the walls if you want to get that thing cooking. Good luck. Thank you. Thanks for listening. The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week. Catch up or contribute at hamishandandy.com. Thanks for listening. The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week. Catch up or contribute at hamishandandy.com.

Thanks for listening. The Hamish and Andy podcast will return next week. Catch up or contribute at hamishandandy.com.