Handsome - Drew Barrymore asks about boogers

Episode Date: October 8, 2024

Drew Barrymore asks about bats in caves on a super-silly episode of Handsome! Plus romancing older women, singing the theme song, and more!We have new Handsome merch just in time for spooky season! Get your "Yeah Ghost" tees and "Keep It Handsome" hoodies now at handsomepod.com!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media: @handsomepodMerch: handsomepod.comWatch on youtube: youtube.com/@handsomepodEmail the show: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Chiding the friends on the handsome pod. Cheers. Welcome to the Handsome Pod. It is your very good and dear and close special friend, Tig Notaro, sitting here with my co-host. Your beloved May Martin. And the most gorgeous woman to ever walk the earth is I, Fortune Feimster.

Oh, Fortune. That was like a 1950s movie star. Well, that's me. I don't know if I've told this story, but here it comes again. All right. My cousin's wife was in the hospital and her mother, very elderly mother,

I think creeping up on 90, was in the waiting room with me. And I had met her briefly, but just like distant family type stuff. And she introduced me, I, you know, just like distant family type stuff. And she introduced me, her, my cousin's wife's daughter introduced me to her grandmother as a movie star. She said, TIG is a movie star. You are.

Yeah, well, thank you. But this elderly woman responded with, well, she doesn't look like one. Oh my God. Oh my God. They're just like kids, say whatever comes to mind. I know. I was laughing thinking,

God, I really don't look like a movie star, especially in her, you know. Especially in like a neon lit hospital waiting room, you know, everyone's stressed, you're eating some vending machine snack. I think no matter what lighting, I don't think whenever I'm shuffling around my neighborhood on a walk or going to get a coffee,

I'm, yeah, I'm very aware that I don't look like a movie star. I don't think we would have been allowed to be in the movies back in the day. No, barely able or allowed to go into the movie theater. Much less being one. On Instagram, something came up that was like, I think it was filmed in the 80s, but it was a woman who had been alive in Victorian times

and she's 108 years old and the woman's being like, so what was it like back then? And she's like, bad. And then she's like, so what was it like for women? Bad, you couldn't do anything. Like she's just really funny. She's like, so what's changed since then? Everything, nothing's the same. She's just really funny. She's like, so what's changed since then? Everything, nothing's the same.

She's really fired. That's what's so wild is like as tough as things are now, it has gotten better. It has. Did you ever watch that documentary? It came out during the pandemic with the two women who were older. Oh yeah, and they can't know. The one used to be in the pandemic with the two women who were older. Oh yeah, and they can't know.

Used to be in the baseball league. Yes. Yeah. I cried like a baby watching that documentary. They'd been together for decades, but not come out to their families and stuff. Yeah, oh my God. Yeah.

I think just classic travel companions is how they were existing in the world. But there was this whole underground community and I think they had like a little, I don't know if not related to that documentary, but there's like a little tattoo or something that people would have. Oh, this was like, at least in Chicago, like Freemasons, like a little secret. Yeah. You kind of knew.

Well, I mean, if a woman had a tattoo, wouldn't you immediately back in those days be like, look at, okay. Look at you, you little lesbian. Okay. Yeah, the movie's called A Secret Love. Yeah, Thomas just put that in the chat, A Secret Love, and I didn't get that it was the name of the movie. I thought he was just chiming in going,

oh, a secret love. That's what it was. It was a top secret love. I'm a sucker for, I love elderly women, just not in a sexual way, not that I don't find them attractive. Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig. You have a fetish for octogenarians.

How old would you go? I don't know. Great question, great question, Tig. I love, I just have such a soft spot because I was so close to my grandmother. Don't you guys make it dirty? Of course, of course, but how old would you go? Yeah.

Oh, I don't know. So anyone listening cares about it at this point. They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, grandma, grandma, grandma. How old would you go? 60 maybe? Huh. Okay. And what are you? 40?

44. I know I don't look a day over 35. You wouldn't go 64? And just make it a nice rounded 20? Sure, why not? Okay. Have you ever? I am married, so.

We know, we know. Would you go old, May? I married, so. We know, we know. Would you go old, May? I mean, older? Of course. Of course. No, I would go old, old. Like, I mean, just for the experience. Now we're talking. What is the oldest you've gone?

Oh, not that old. Yeah, not that old, maybe 50 or something. But. Hey, I'm 53. I'm sorry. Scott, I'm like way out. But I was in my early, my twenties, you know. I'm three years past your.

I don't want a five in front of it. No, I would, I would go like, there's no limit because I think it would be so, so interesting. No limit. Okay. Huh? I gave you 109. Uh, that lady lost interest.

Well, if she was like, I just imagined her like yelling down at me. Ah, what is it? Yelling down at you? Going down on her, yeah. That's what I imagined, sorry. That's what I imagined, sorry. Oh my, you guys turned my documentary into a real,

I don't even know. Yeah, we got dirty fast. You should be fortunate, why are you scandalized? I'm just talking about these wonderful old women that I love so much with all my heart. What are we even talking about? I can't even remember how we got to May. I don't know, what did we talk about?

How are you guys? Let's start there, Jake, how are you? I'm doing okay, but I'm back in Los Angeles for all the little Emmy things going on that I'm not invited to, but my wife is. You're a plus one. I've not really had this as far as I remember, but I'm having massive allergy attacks.

Oh, God, that's not what you need, dude. No, that's not what I need. but I'm having massive allergy attacks. Massive. That's not what you need, dude. No, that's not what I need. What kind, like how's it manifesting? Just painful, itchy eyes, sneezing, pressure in the head, all of that kind of stuff. Our son Max wakes up every morning and sneezes, please know I'm not exaggerating,

sneezes roughly 17 times. He and Finn count the amount of sneezes. And we thought that there was something in our air vents. Yeah, but no, we go on vacation, we're in different countries. The kid wakes up, starts sneezing immediately. And are they loud sneezes? Yeah, we're in our room and Stephanie and I

just start laughing and counting. And then Max and Finn will be like, it was 12. Oh wow. And sometimes there's like 20 seconds of silence and he gets back into it. Yeah. I'm sure somebody listening will chime in and be like, he does this and that

and you need to do this and this means blah, blah, blah. So please let me know what it is. Go on. Take me some tips, some take tips. Yeah, mm-hmm. I'd like to, isn't there a thing if you look at the sun, you don't sneeze or you do, oh, whatever, I don't know. Something about that line. I think you don't sneeze, or you do, oh, whatever, I don't know. Something about that line.

I think you don't sneeze, and you go blind. Yeah, yeah. And you catch fire. Don't do it, don't do it. Don't look at the sun in the eyes. Oh, I look at my suns in the eyes. Hey, hello. Hello.

And how are you doing, May? I'm okay. Well, no, I'm highly anxious, but you know what? Almost as soon as our theme song started and we started recording, I thought, I'm noticing my body relaxing. Oh, good. Yeah, and I thought,

I'm really happy to see these guys. Okay. We're happy to see you. Yeah. Yeah. But I've got nothing for you. I got nothing to offer. You're in the throes of work right now. Yeah, it's insane, it's insane. Yeah.

And when do you wrap up and head back to LA? October 17th, it's supposed to be. Yeah, and then I think I'll become a shoemaker. Oh yeah, you're done with the biz? My fantasy right now, but I know, look, I'm so grateful and happy to be working, but my fantasy is like, just Monday, look, I'm so grateful and happy to be working, but my fantasy is like, just Monday to Friday, nine to five,

something with my hands, carpentry, shoes, pencils. Picking up with elderly women. Exactly. With your hands. Exactly. Making shoes for them. You know, for- The cobbler. Yeah, cobbling little shoes. If you are listening and you're thinking, I'm elderly,

I'm very curious if you could chime in and let us know how old you are. I'd like to know who our oldest listener is. And would you hook up with May? Yeah. And May, would you hook up with them? Old cowboy. We had a lovely listener who wrote me who's 78.

She told me. Oh, no way. We'll ask her if she needs a cobbling cowboy. I think she might. Well, then there must be at least one older listener. Do you think? Than a 78 year old. Why you don't think she's the old? I mean, what are the odds?

We've got a lot of listeners. There's gotta be. My mom doesn't really know how to listen to podcasts. She's 78. Yeah. She has a SiriusXM account, and I've told her that she can listen to it in on her phone in her home,

but she drives around town. Oh, what? During the duration of the show she's listening to. Because she's so attached to like the old of the show she's listening to. Because she's so attached to the old school, you listen to it in your car. I don't know if she knows how to use it on her phone. Oh my God. She knows it's in her car.

So can you show her? I guess I could, but I love just imagining her shutting her mouth down. And so she does that to listen to your show? She does that to listen to the radio show I do, yeah. And so she listens every day and drives around at that time? She sure does. That is hilarious.

Because they play it on repeat. I think she listens to the afternoon repeat. Mm, okay. It's a nice ritual. Now, I honestly haven't asked her if she's figured out how to listen to Handsome. I gotta get to the bottom of that. Yeah. Got to, got to.

She can't be missing this. She can't be. No, no, no. She cannot be missing. She was even a guest on here. What is she doing with her life? Well, to ask her that. And then we gotta find out what month she was born so we know if she's younger or older than this.

Yeah, I was gonna say, I bet we can find out immediately. I could tell you right now. I know somebody that knows her. She was born in February. Now, May, would you hook up with Fortune's mother? I knew that that question was coming. I give it to my mom.

Oh my God. She needs it, come on, May. She needs it. She needs it, oh my God. Look, I like to be needed and I like to provide a service. I think I could be into that. But no, listen, I respect Ginger so much. I know.

This is highly, highly inappropriate. Wait, are you saying you can't hook up with somebody you respect? That's true. No, no. It's true, sorry. Basically what you said. I would hook up with you, but I respect you too much.

No, I mean, I respect you too much even to engage in this tomfoolery. All right, you don't have to hook up with my mom. No, I will. Okay, what about her dad? Can I call you my step little cowboy? Oh my God. My step cowboy.

Meanwhile, my stepfather's grandpa name was Cowboy Rick. That's true. Cowboy Rick, yes. Yes. Who claimed to watch my podcast? Oh my god. Can your stepdad hook up with my mom? Well, he's dead.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Remember? Oh yeah, your brother fell in his grave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, all of my parents have died. I have three parents that have died. I'm sorry.

Well, I blamed you for a while, but. He he he. I moved on. Now you moved on. Yeah, yeah. I've found somebody else to blame. That's good. I don't think Cowboy Rick would have hooked up, yeah. I've found somebody else to blame. That's good. I don't think Cowboy Rick would have hooked up with me.

I just don't. That's fair. I was about to get be outraged, but then I thought, you know him, you know him well. Yeah. You know his taste. He was in my life since I was two, so I knew. Oh man.

Yeah, I feel like I know him because of One Mississippi and the stories and like, I feel like I know him. Yeah. Yeah, what a guy. Well, if nobody's seen my old show One Mississippi, check it out on Amazon and you will see who May could have possibly hooked up with. And let us know, could you see this?

What has this podcast become? Guess what I've done every day this week. What? Tread. Tread. What do you think? What do you think? Whoa, look at your body. Lifting or treading?

Treading. Wow. Nice. How'd it go? What do you think? Do you feel stronger? Yeah. Amazing. One day I did it for an hour and five minutes.

What? That was an accident. Yeah, I was really ent an hour and five minutes. What? That was an accident. Yeah, I was really enthralled in this podcast. Do you like wake up looking forward to it now? I do, I would have done it, I had to do it today, but I've done it every day since I've been home. I can't believe that like you like are off and running with that.

That's amazing. But I will tell you guys this, so I wasn't really able to do it while I was in Toronto, aside from a couple visits to my home. When I was in Toronto, my arm turned to this, okay? If you're watching YouTube, it's sort of flaccid. I go back to Treading Water. I would say it's very flaccid. Monday it's Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

Five days of Treading Water. Boom. Boom. The line came back in my arm. The definition. The definition. What does Jax think? Can't keep her hands off me.

Just kidding, she can. But is she like into this? She can and she does. And she'll continue to. Mowage. into this. She can and she does and she'll continue to. Marriage. Saving money can be tough, but one place where it doesn't have to be is your home insurance.

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There's no safe like Simply Safe. Is she into it? Is she like, this is awesome? Or is she like, what are you doing? Yeah, I think she's always happy anytime I'm motivated health wise. She's all for it, yeah. I've been going to the University of Toronto gym

because it's super cheap. And then the other day I realized I'm so much older than everyone. I'm not used to it, everyone is 18 or something. And I don't know, I still think people in university are cool or something, but I was like, oh, they're children. And I'm this weird, yeah. Elderly person.

Well, good thing you're going to hook up with someone 50 year older now. Oh yeah, totally. Is that gym, that gym, the university gym is open to anyone? Yeah. Yeah. You can get a membership, but it doesn't seem like anyone except me is there, except for the students. And they're all kind of nervous.

It's the beginning of the school year. There's a lot of new people looking at each other. I'll tell you what, that gym's gonna fill up now that you've announced that you work out at the gym there. Oh, do you think it'll be full of octogenarians? I don't know. It's gonna be full of handsome listeners.

You're gonna be pumping iron and all of a sudden here, chatting with friends on the handsome pod. Chatting with friends on the handsome pod. Wow, we've never done that. We've never done it live. No, we're even better than I thought. I know, I know. Good for us. God, we're good. No, we're even better than I thought. I know, I know. Good for us.

God, we're good. God, we're good. God, we're good. It's hot as Hades right now, it's 111 degrees. Hot as Hades, what, in LA? Yeah. What is 111? Oh yeah, because you deal in Celsius.

I know to get to Fahrenheit, you take the number, you double it and add 30. So can we work backwards from that? TIG, can you do that math? Let's see. You know, I can't. Yeah. Hold on. 1946. 110 is 43. 43 degrees Celsius. No wonder you're in the pool, that's crazy. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm a hot bitch. It's only 103 where I live. Oh, yeah, well, yeah. We live in different areas. Yeah, my kids have a baseball game. They're supposed to have a double header this weekend and it was gonna be like well over 100 in the Valley.

And so now they're only doing one game, but I'm still very stressed about that. About the heat stroke and stuff? Yeah. Yeah, that's crazy hot. Do your sons get nervous before games? No, they're there to just clobber everyone. Really?

Oh yeah. That's cool. I used to get butterflies before I would play soccer. I played for like four months, I played soccer just clobber everyone. Really? Oh yeah. That's cool. Yeah. I used to get butterflies before I would play soccer. I played for like four months. I played soccer and I used to get like true butterflies in my stomach. Like I was- Four months of butterflies.

Yeah, like I was going onto a Broadway show or something. Like I was so nervous. Wow. And then did you stop soccer and sports in general after that? Yeah, I was saying it's not worth it. You're like too much stress. I loved playing sports growing up.

I did it my whole life. They called me Sporty Spice. No one's ever been called that but me. They called you Sporty Spice. Yeah, it was a very unique nickname that no one else has ever gone by. Yeah. I'd love to go back in time

and root for you at one of your games. Yeah, I wasn't bad. But you know that, hey, badda badda, swing badda. What is that? Hey, badda badda, swing badda, badda, badda, swing. I think you're trying to like throw the batter off. Oh, okay, okay. It's not a cheer, it's like a distraction.

Yeah, getting in their head. I remember it from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I had such a big crush on Cameron. Oh my God. That's like my type of guy. Quiet, depressed. Quiet and depressed. Did you go on to follow him into when he was in Succession?

Alan Ruck? Yeah, I've never seen Succession. I think I watched the first episode. I got to watch it. People were obsessed with that show. People love that show, yeah. Were you not into it, Fortune? I liked it, but then after a while I stopped watching.

But then I heard the last season was so amazing that I feel like I should go back and pick it up. Stephanie was, she was in. She was obsessed? Yeah. Okay. And now she's, since I've been in Toronto, she, whenever I travel or I have planned,

she always like gets to her TV and movie watching. And so right now she's very into the Kardashians. Oh, great. That's a real turn from succession, but I just watched some like, Real Housewives clip that reminded me of the Kardashians, but it made me laugh so much, because it was all these women,

and they're all drinking white wine, and they're having a big argument, and one of them's like, well, you can't just come in here and act like everything's hunky dory, and then the other one goes, who is hunky dory? Oh, that was Kathy Hilton. That was, was it? Yeah, that Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Oh my God, that was good. It was really funny. If you scripted that, you'd be like, this is so silly. Who is Hunky Dory? Wait, is that a real thing? That was 100% real. Yes, that was a real thing that transpired that she was- She had never heard Hunky Dory?

No. And then the cut to her VT and she's like, well, I don't know who hunky Dory is, but. Well, I don't either. Where did that come from? And who is hunky Dory and what is hunky Dory? And I mean, where does that come from? We don't have the May fact on it. I feel like I should know that. Okay, I'm Googling it. You really should. If you had to take a guess, what would you say? Because the meaning of it doesn't really fit the description of it.

Everything is hunky-dory. What is the meaning of it? It's like a... Satisfactory. Yeah, like status quo. Everything's good. Everything's fine. But a hunky person is a very fit person.

Yeah. Okay. So it's more than fine. Do you have any guesses too? A hunky person's a very fit person. Yeah, okay. Which is more than fine. Do you have any guesses, too? No, just give me the information. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, it's a Dutch origin. Honk actually means home base.

So wait, is it spelled honk like H-U-N-K or H-O-N, honky? It's spelled honk, H-U-N-K or H-O-N, honky? It's spelled hunk, H-U-N-K, but it came from the Dutch. So in the mid 19th century, honky came from the Dutch honk, home base, and the origin of Dory is unknown. It says, oh, we stumbled on a real mystery here. We really did. So no one knows where it came from. Just a bunch of Dutch people said honky dory to each other.

Yeah, it's... I have a Dutch friend. I'll reach out to him and ask. He's coming to visit in about a month. So he's gonna be like, what are you talking about? Yeah, I'll get to the bottom of this. Hunky dory. Yeah, that honk means home base.

You go, oh, that dinner was nice. I gotta go honk it. I'm confused on honk when it's honk. I know. This says it stems from the New York slang, honk in a safe position and the Dutch root honk or honk. Wait, guys, hold on one second. Let me check in with our listeners.

Is everyone still here listening while we Google? Okay. Some people are on the edge of their seats right now. Well, they're down a honky-dory rabbit hole right now. Honky-dory, honky-dory. I mean, I can't believe I'm insecure about how to say this. Our 85 year old listeners right now are loving this conversation though.

Yeah, or that 108 year old woman is like, honky-dory was my cousin. But like three different websites that I just saw said, the origin of Dory is unknown and I am electrified by that. I'm like, we gotta do a true crime documentary getting into finding the origin of Dory. It's an electric. Finding Dory.

Boogie woogie woogie woogie. Boogie woogie woogie woogie movie. Isn't it? Yeah, like Finding Nemo. Yeah, Finding Dory. The thing I love about our handsome podcast is you truly just never know what we're going to talk about. I didn't see this coming at all.

I scripted my part, so I knew that I was leading us towards a hunky dory. I just know it's hotter than a cat on a hot tin roof right now. I love this character. It's very Elizabeth Taylor. I'm so hot right now. I'm sweating. I don't know why I'm smoking a cigarette when it's so hot outside.

Do you have a boob sweat? Now I'm starting to sweat like shit. Do you have boob sweat? No. Well, wait, hold on. A little bit. Oh my God. Because Stephanie was reading this character

in a script this morning and the character had under boob sweat. That was just a descriptor or it was in the dialogue? It was a descriptor. Oh my God, what a great detail. Just like Susan enters with under boob sweat. Whoa. Susan's got to get her life together. And I'm sorry, you do have boob sweat. Whoa. Susan's got to get her life together.

And I'm sorry, you do have boob sweat? I sure do. Should I play Susan? Yes. Yeah. We just had to check in with the one person with boobs in our podcast. Oh yeah.

Yeah. Who knew I would be the one? And I mean, let's be honest. My boobs, as we know, are somewhere in a dumpster in Hollywood, but I'm certain they're sweating too with this heat. In a dumpster, are you kidding me? They're for sure in a- Pools of sweat.

Should we get to our question? Yeah, we should. Let's do it. Today's question asker has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Ooh. We don't mess around on this podcast, okay? We go straight to the Hollywood Walk of Fame

for our guests. You have to walk over her star to get to Tig's boobs in the dumpster. What? Can you imagine? What if that was the point where I was like, that's enough. That's not cool. That's not cool, man.

That's where you draw the line. Or people read into that moment. They're like, I think Tig was actually bothered by that. I love when people do that with our podcast. When they're like, did you guys think that that person was mad at that person? No, not yet. I know. No.

Okay, she was named one of the 100 most influential people in the world. In the world, this whole planet. This whole planet. There's a lot of people on the planet. Fortune, that's true. Okay, you heard it right here listeners. Don't ask me how many, but there are a lot.

Her breakout role was in E.T. the extraterrestrial and she's also starred in Scream, Charlie's Angels. Can I check in Thomas? And 50 First Dates. Thomas, did you write this intro? So you spelled out extraterrestrial. You were like, better clarify. Oh, is it not called E.T. the extraterrestrial?

No, it's called E.T., isn't it? It is actually called E.T. the extraterrestrial. I understand, corrected. Wow, may you must be mortified. There's Amy. You look pretty dumb. I really took a shot for Thomas and got burned. Yeah.

May, I didn't know that was the full name either. She started scream Charlie's Angels and 50 first dates and TV shows including the Santa Clarita diet and the Drew Barrymore show which she hosts. Drew Barrymore. Well, I was just about to tell you and you interrupted me. Who is it? It's Drew Barrymore. It's Drew Barrymore's show.

She's asking today's question. Who? Drew Barrymore. My family is officially back at school, which means we need healthy, stress-free groceries now more than ever. Thrive Markets got us covered with everything from snacks to quick nutritious meals and nothing's more satisfying and helpful than getting our pantry fully restocked without even having to leave the house. I love that Thrive Market only allows trusted top quality ingredients while restricting a thousand plus harmful ingredients like artificial flavors, high fructose corn syrup, and more. Not only do I save time shopping as a Thrive Market member, I also save money on every single

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thrivemarket.com slash handsome. You know what credit wasn't on here was whatever that movie was about the host of the Gong show that she was in. I really liked that. Oh, I don't think I saw that movie. Me neither. I loved her gray gardens, her scripted version of gray gardens, that was amazing.

She's been famous since she was like six, right? Well, when she was in E.T., the extra-terrestrial movie. Is that how old she was? Motion picture, yeah. Her show was so fun and Ross Matthews is her co-host. They're so fun together. But I do love when she interviews people how she just gets right up on,

like touches them and is like so lovey-dovey. It makes me so happy. I think she is truly the best talk show host. It is such a blast to watch her. She's so great. But my nightmare is that if I ever went on there, I would be the one guest who she's just like six feet away from sitting very demure.

Never. Just not coming anywhere near. But then that would be the perfect moment to seize and say, I've noticed you're sitting very far away from me and you don't normally do that. Oh, no, I find you drew and I know Drew. Yeah. She'd be on your shoulders.

I went on her show and I got a lot of Drew hugs. Oh man. Yeah. Nothing wrong with a Drew hug. I love a Drew hug. Should we hear what her question is? Yeah, we should. That wrong with a Drew hug. I love a Drew hug. Should we hear what her question is? Yeah, we should. That's why we're here.

That's why we're doing the podcast, is to hear questions. Tig, May, Fortune. She sent my note. I have a question for you. What do you do when you see that someone has a giant booger in their nose? Oh.

Oh. you see that someone has a giant booger in their nose. Hehehe. Oh. Mmm. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. She said my name.

Oh, true. She said our names too. Oh my God. I know, but you guys probably. We said her name. We said her name. We said her name. We said it a lot, so it was only fair.

You guys probably know her. That's big for me. That's wild. What a great question. Hey guys, why did the booger cross the road? Why? He was getting picked on. Anyway. Did you write that?

Is that your closer? Been working on that for a while. I do need some new material for my next tour. So, mm-hmm. You could use that, just credit me. I can? Yeah. Oh my gosh. You should just tour with so. Mm-hmm. You could use that, just credit me. I can? Yeah. Oh my gosh.

You should just tour with knock knock jokes. Oh my God. That would be a long hour. Kids would love that. Chicken cross the road jokes. Or one long chicken cross the road or one long knock knock. Like nobody answers the door in the knock knock joke. You just have to keep knocking.

That seems like something you could pull off Tig. Yeah, Tig, you could do that. You could milk a knock knock joke for an hour. Yeah. I'm like, sorry, I'm trying to do this joke and nobody will answer the door. Back to the knocking. I do have a longer joke on my sleeve

that I would like to tell, but it's vulnerable now that I've put it out there. Like I just know the reaction. Let's hear it. I just know I can just. Let's hear it. We're all friends here. This is a trap though. We're all friends that wanna take you down, but go on.

Okay, it's not that long. I'll try and keep it brief. So there's this woman. Drag it out. I'll drag it out. There's this woman and sadly her husband has passed away and she's at the funeral and this man arrives who she's never seen before and he says, Marjorie, my name is Nick, you don't know me but I actually fought in the war with your husband.

We were very close and so I thought I'd come by and she's like, oh my God, Nick, so nice to meet you and he says, it would mean a lot to me if I could say something, if I could get up and speak. And she's like, okay, well, yeah, I mean, you know, take the mic. So everyone's sitting there and he gets up and he goes to the mic and everyone's sort of moved and quiet listening to this older man. He gets up to the mic and he says, "'Bargain.'" And then he goes and sits down. Now we're at the wake after the funeral and Marjorie goes up to him and says, "'Nick, thank you so much for what you said.'"

Is it important at all that her name is Marjorie? No. Okay, just seems like such an odd name to choose. I just picked it. I just picked it. Okay, like why is this person's name Marjorie in this joke? I'm trying to add a rich layer of detail. Okay.

I'm sorry. I just got very distracted by the name Marjorie. So Marjorie goes up to Nick and says, I just want to say thank you so much for what you said. Oh, now there's too much space between. Okay. Remember he said bargain. Oh yeah, we do remember that. You remember that, okay.

So she goes, thank you so much. Yeah, thank you so much. I know that meant a great deal. Thank you, goodnight. Okay, I get it. I unfortunately do too. Did you write that or you read that somewhere? No, the camera operator on my show told me that

and it tickled me. And you laughed so hard. I truly laughed so hard. Good laugh. Wow. I love a joke. I do love a joke, but I can't, I'm not good at telling those kind of jokes.

Neither am I, clearly. I threw in Marjorie, it threw everyone off. Did I ever tell you my dad's favorite joke? I don't threw everyone off. Did I ever tell you my dad's favorite joke? Only me. Did I ever tell you my dad's favorite joke? No, I don't think so. What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

That one? No, what's, no. Sounds about right. Do you guys know what's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Wait, you already asked us. I wanted to ask you if you heard that, the title. That was the title of it.

Now I'm asking you the question. Oh, now you're into the joke? Now you're into the actual question. One is $1.99 and the other one is under a buck. Oh, deer nuts. I didn't get it. I got it, it took me a minute. Deer nuts and beer nuts?

Yeah, I would think you would be most familiar with. Why am I having to explain this joke? No, I get it now. That was great. I love that. A buck, deer. Come on. Bringing it back to boogers.

Jesus. What's the difference between. Oh, right. My dad would be so bummed right now. Yeah, I deserve more. What's the difference between. Fuck off. What's the, hey.

Mm-hmm, still got it. What's the difference between them what's a what's the difference between them boogers and broccoli so many things like where to begin one vegan kids don't eat broccoli I was about to say I was just about to chime in and say something very close to that answer. And so that's not a joke. It's just a fact. Yeah, it's not the best. It's not the best.

It's not the best. Yeah. What's the difference between poop and a lollipop? Kids like lollipops. No. Yeah. Would you tell someone if they had a booger in their nose? Oh my God, yes.

And I have many times, I have no problem. I can totally see you telling someone that. I have no problem doing it. I understand. Are you discreet about it or you're like, hey Janice, check your boogs. Yeah. Bat in the cave, that's good.

Bat in the cave. I was swimming at a hotel pool while I was treading water, as we do as two against one in this podcast too. And I'm like mid treading and it turns into kid family hour at the pool. And just like truly 16 kids from age two to 16 are in the pool swimming, splashing around. I'm in a corner just trying to do my elderly treading. And then there's this kid, actually the reason why

I ended up in a corner was because this kid who had endless snot Going from his nose to his mouth. No Hotel pools. Yeah, right any public pool people have burgers I swim to another side of the pool or I tread out of my way over there And then he of course ends up near me and I'm like, oh my God. I mean, it's just like a cavalcade.

Yes. Yeah. So did you tell him, hey kid? Did you tell him? Hey kid, you got boogies. I did not. But if I'm at a party or something and or I'm at a dinner, I absolutely, it's that thing of I would want somebody to tell me.

I would a million percent. I don't think I tell people. You don't. I don't think I do. Really? I'm trying to think if I ever have. Would you want someone to tell you? I'd tell my wife, I'd tell Jax.

Right, but if you were out somewhere and you were just hanging out with a bugger, I don't know if I want anyone to tell me either. I just wanna live in ignorance. I kinda know what you mean, Fortune, cause it could just knock your confidence so hard. Just be a weird, awkward moment. Cause then you're like, ugh.

Well yeah, you gotta get it with your hands. Why does it have to be- You gotta excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. You don't have to excuse yourself, you just grab it and flick it. That's worse. Well, if it's up there, nobody's seeing it. We're talking about a booger that's-

You can't stick your finger, you can't make it even more awkward. No, you just kind of grab it. Stick your finger up. You just grab it and then you flick it at the person that told you you had a booger on your nose. No! But see, here's the thing, people do this thumb pick.

That's still picking your nose. I know. Yeah, but what are you gonna do, just let it hang out there? I know, but some, people are like, the one pick finger is like so grody, but somehow this is okay. Grody.

It's still grody. You can do a snot rocket. Oh my God, imagine if someone said, oh, hey, you have a little booger there, and then you just went want and snot rocket. You guys want you guys one time when I was in junior high, I was we were sitting in the gymnasium and I, you know, how sometimes you cough and like a little phlegm comes up.

Never had it happen. And usually that only happens when I'm sick or not feeling well, but this was not the case. I coughed and being a 14-year-old, didn't have the manners to put my hand in front of me and a phlegm came out of my throat onto this guy's cheek. No. Yes. No. I wanted to die.

This wasn't the guy that you were doing whose wiener you were touching. No, not the hand job guy. I did know more than one guy. Was it big enough that he noticed? But I bet your guy circle was getting a lot smaller because you're like the person that's coughing phlegm onto people's faces and giving terrible wiener touches.

What did you ask, May? Did he notice it? Oh yeah. Oh no, and did that follow you around? It had to be one of those like- And then did you have to say you have a booger on your cheek? I wouldn't dare.

I don't even know. I think I was like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. And he just like had to wipe it and be like, oh, oh, oh, yeah. How old are you? Mortifying like 14. Oh man. And when you're 14, like not that much is happening to you. So if a phlegm ball flies on your face, you're milking that for weeks. You're like, that's your anecdote. And he was very good about it. He didn't make a stink about it, and he didn't, like it wasn't a big thing. Well, he was stunned.

He was stunned. He was horrid, because that was disgusting. Oh God, these things that stay with you your whole life, like you will always remember that moment. And I ran into him last time I was home. There was a part of me that thought, does he remember? And you didn't bring it up. I would have immediately been like, oh, my gosh, remember when I coughed

phlegm onto your cheek? I don't even I didn't even like me in high school. I think I have a bad, a bad memory for things like my friend just texted me and was like, remember and sent me a photograph of a group of us and most of the girls had exes on their faces like scratched into the photo. Why? What is this?

And she was like, remember that the girls with the exes on their faces were the girls that pooed in that girl's bed at camp. And I was like, what? I don't remember that. And she goes, yeah. So the girls who did the pooping got the exes. The girls who did the pooping, because I guess my friend made the exes

because she was like, that was mean. That's a lot of poop. Oh, I know. In the bed. I know. That's a good point. And how did everyone know, like, this is it, you guys. Does everyone have to poop?

So do I. Does everyone have to poop? That's all, hold hands. Oh my God. Show that dumb bitch. Wow, look at Fortune's muscular arms. That's all, hold hands. Show that dumb bitch. Wow, look at Fortune's muscular arms. I know you got a mountain.

I'm not even hardly trying, you can see. I don't say poo. I say poop, I don't say poo. Oh, you don't? No. You say poop or you say poo, Fortune? I say dookie. Dookie.

Grody dookie. I say poo. You say poo? Yeah, I don't love saying pee in general. Like saying that letter. I say doo doo. I like the word doo doo. Oh yeah. Probably better than dookie.

Doo doo. I say poop though. poop and doodoo. Guys, remember we have 80 year old listeners? They've checked out, I have to make a BM. Remember we have a questioner who's one of the hundred most influential people in the world. We real them in with our hunky door effects and then lost them on the doo doo.

Hunky doo doo. May, do you tell people when there's a boogie in their nose? Really depends how close we are. I think I'd have to be pretty comfortable with them. I wouldn't want to, if someone's in the middle of telling a story. I couldn't tell a stranger. No, no, no. I couldn't tell a stranger.

No, no, no. Would you tell Thomas? Thomas I could tell. Would I tell Thomas? I know, no, no. I couldn't tell a stranger. No, no, no. Would you tell Thomas? Thomas I could tell. Would I tell Thomas? I know you would take, but. I would tell Thomas if I smelled anything weird or saw any, I would be like, Thomas, what was that? Yeah, what is that?

Something's in your mustache. Oh my God, you know, like that comes out of me immediately. I like that. That makes me feel safe, like as a friend. I know. I don't like awkward moments with people. I love them. Yeah.

Like if someone tooted and no one wants to acknowledge it. My dad is so- Then you're the one to be with. Yeah. If you are a disgusting person, just hang out with Fortune because she won't say a word. You have boogers hanging out of your nose, you're gassy. Because I like people to feel comfortable at all times.

Well, they're gonna feel more comfortable if they get the booger off of their nose. And wait, Fortune. They're gonna get back in their car or go home and then see it and then they're gonna go, wait, was that there the whole time? But their brain's gonna think, well, I don't wanna believe that it was there the whole time. So I'm gonna tell myself that it just happened.

See, I would get in my car and be like, well, I just walked around a party with a booger in my nose the whole night. Awesome. Yeah, me too. And nobody told me. And you become a cobbler. And fortune. Would you tell Thomas he had a booger hanging out of his nose? I would tell Thomas, yeah.

May, would you tell Thomas? There's a boogie in your nose. I'd probably avoid saying any words. I'd just do the motion. I'd go, hey man, you gotta, I wouldn't say the words. Whereas Tig, I feel like you would relish the words, you'd draw them out, you'd say, there is a bat in the cave. Kind sir. Are you, the next time you go to Drew's show, going to try to have a booger in your nose

to see if she'll tell you? Well, we don't know, we don't know her answer yet. Yeah. That's good. But I just did Hollywood Squares with her. You did? Yeah, she's the center square. It is exciting that she said my name. You guys, she's saying your name all the time.

She's saying our names all the time? Well, yeah, like, yeah, like you were hanging out with Drew. What was the movie where she played Josie Grossy? Oh. I love that movie. Never Been Kissed? Yes. Seems like Josie Grossi sounds like that person

would have a booger in their nose. Yeah, Josie Grossi. She's played some fun characters. Yeah, she really has. She's so good. Yeah. Should we hear what her answer is to this? Let's hear it.

Okay, here is how I would deal with it. If I really don't know the person and it's just super awkward and I just am like, oh, I can't get involved here, I'll just move along. But that's like 10% of the time. I would say 90% of the time. All right, hold on. I would say 80% of the time I'm like, you know, I just do the little like cute and no, I'm not suggesting let's take drugs.

I mean, I probably used to do that, but I'm usually I'm just like, oh, I think that's a cute way to do it. I think it's really terrible when you're like, you have a booger in your nose, someone's just going to feel so bad, but this is like ding-a-ling-a-ling, like it's really terrible when you're like, you have a booger in your nose, someone's just gonna feel so bad, but this is like ding-a-ling-a-ling, like it's cute. And then if the other 10% of the time, and I'm not good at math, so I don't know what percentage we're at here now,

if it's someone I'm really close to, I might just like retried it and grab it. But that's like someone I'm really, really, really close to. And definitely I would do that with my kids. But it's a really good litmus test of like, you know, how close you feel to someone. So if you really love them and they came from you or it's your best dearest friend just yank it.

You can put a tissue on your finger for like a prophylactic but you know or you just dig. Most of the time this cute little signal like cute boogers and then if you just really don't wanna deal, just don't deal and walk away and wish that person bon voyage the best. Now kids, sure. That's, I think that's a parental thing. You're just, every bodily fluid ends up in places. It does.

I don't want to get a booger out of my bestie's nose and I don't want them digging into my nose. What if it was Drew? No, she'll never look at me the same. She don't want her finger up my nose. Maybe it'll bond you. It'll be in sort of a- Yeah, I was gonna say it might make it closer.

She like holds one's hand. I just wanted to tell you. She's like, hold someone's hand. I just wanted to tell you, there's a booger in your nose. Oh my God, like how your phlegm ball bonded you. You guys wouldn't care if someone stuck their finger in your nose? I would not like it. When I was a kid, wet willies were a thing,

you know, someone would lick their finger and put it on. That like deeply disturbed me. But yeah, if it was Drew, I'd be overjoyed because I'd be like, wow, you really were, that's an intimate thing. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think it depends on who it was. Like if Drew grabbed a booger out of my nose, I would be like, look at you. That's awesome. Thank you. And then I just continue the conversation. But yeah, whether she likes it or not,

if she has a booger in her nose, I'm gonna be like, Drew, you got a booger in your nose, you gotta deal with that. And then May, you can do the cute little point in the nose. And Fortune can just- And I'll walk out of the room. Yeah, head on out.

Palm voyage, the best. Go see what the snack situation is in the green room. Yeah. If you have an appetite after seeing something. So gross. Nothing can stand in my way of snacks. What if there were boogers everywhere? Oh, well that, no.

Yeah, I remember mad libs and I feel like you're always under pressure to come up with like a funny noun and kids, you always say booger when you're a kid. What are Mad Libs? You know, it's like a story, but with certain words left out and you fill in, it'll be like now an adjective and you fill in the words

and then you read the story out loud and it's fun. Oh, next time we record. You never did Mad Libs? Two against one, Fortune, next time. I don't think so. Two against one. Next time we record, we're gonna do one, okay? I'm gonna find one.

I bet we'll never, ever remember to do that. But, sure. Thomas put it on the list. Let's do it next time. We haven't added things on the list in a while, so might as well. Maud Lib is on there. When are we gonna get to that list? When we're all three in the same city.

That was a fun, disgusting, weird episode. I loved it. Honky Dory, boogers, all kinds of stuff. Mm hmm. Mainly those. I feel like mainly those two things. I feel like I've gotten a lot closer to you guys after discussing this. And just to be clear, Fortune, if you have a booger, I should just not say anything.

Yeah, I don't need to know. Leave me be. If you pass phlegm onto my face, would you like me to acknowledge it? God, I hope I know better now in my adult life to put my hand over my mouth. But yeah, there's no way to not acknowledge that. Even if you were like,

ugh, I would totally understand. And May, just to be clear, how would you like me to handle things if you had a booger in your nose? The cute little motion, but then be aware that I might leave the event and go home. But not just out of shame. So you'd rather not.

Would you prefer that I let you stay and have a good time? No, I'd like to know and I'd like to go and wallow in my shame. I'd like to live in ignorant bliss. Look me in the eye and say, TIG, you got a bug. Okay. All right, well, thanks to Drew for asking a question. I feel like we really dug deep on that one.

I do have one final show of my Live, Laugh, Love Tour, November 16th in Santa Rosa, California. I'm gonna go visit wine country. I'm gonna get some vino and do a lovely show at the Luther Burbank Center for the Arts. So I go to my website and get that ticket. Yeah, I've been working out so much new material and sometimes working out the same material

of my new material at Comedy Bar in Toronto. I mean, the crowds have been so fun. And so I'm there pretty regularly while I'm in Toronto. So check that out. And then when I'm back in LA, I'm at Largo and Dynasty Typewriter. And then I will be in Kansas City on November 2nd, and then St. Louis November 15th. But all of that information is

at Tignotaro.com. What about you little cowboy? Yeah, check out SAP on Netflix or season 15 of Taskmaster. Why not? I never talk about that. And I love Taskmaster. it's a British ridiculous game show that I was on and I had the best time of my life. Check it out. Check it out. I love a game show. I have to be honest. Oh, love it.

All right, well, please share this episode with a friend. Rate and review the podcast. That helps keep the show going. Also, if you think you're our oldest listener, please reach out Marjorie. Yes. Is it you? Send a picture.

Send a picture. Definitely send a picture. Yeah, please. And until next time, I would say keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune Themester. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. Follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast!

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