Handsome - Hannah Berner asks about inner voices

Episode Date: September 24, 2024

Hannah Berner has a hilarious new hit Netflix stand up special, *and* she also has a question for Handsome on this week's episode! Plus, giving Mae a mantra, "Menopause the Musical," Tig as a robot, and more!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media: @handsomepodMerch: handsomepod.comWatch on youtube: youtube.com/@handsomepodEmail the show: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hey, handsomes, it's your friend Tig. My brand new album, Hello Again, the audio version of my latest comedy special, is going to be available everywhere, September 27th. Download it on platforms like iTunes, buy actual vinyl and yes, CDs at my live shows or get it directly from my record label

at secretlycanadian.com. Go to tignotaro.com for more info and remember, it's never too early to start holiday shopping. Handsome Pot. Chattin' with friends on the Handsome Pot. Chattin' with friends on the Handsome Pot. Cheers. Cheers. Welcome to Handsome. It's your handsome pal, Fortune Feimster.

And I'm also your handsome pal, Mae Martin. And I am Tig Notaro. And we're coming to you with the news. That's right, Fortune. No, no, we're not apparently. Sorry about that. No news. Oh, okay. Over to May in traffic.

And I come to you, I yesterday watched news bloopers. You did? Yeah, often that's a go-to for me. I go top news bloopers to. You did? Yeah, often that's a go-to for me. I go top news bloopers on YouTube. And you just see them mess up on live TV and they're like, oh gosh. It's so basic. It's just things like there's someone who she's saying

on a tragic loss today and then the name is like Denise Myrtle or something. She goes, doo doo mega doo doo, I'm sorry, that's not, she, things like that I like. Do do mega do do, do do mega do do. Yeah. I can see how one would make that mistake. Yeah. Yeah.

That happens. It's because they're all filming at like four in the morning. Oh right, because they get up early. Yeah. Sometimes they don't even have, uh, some of them don't even have cameramen now there's their robot, um, cameras. What do you mean? Yeah.

So they're just in an empty studio with a bunch of robots. Not everyone, but I've been to some studios where it's this like contraption on wheels and it moves. A camera operator. And it has the camera on it. So you've got someone, it's four in the morning, they haven't even had a coffee, they're in a studio with a bunch of robots going,

do do mega do do. Yeah. And that's the news. It's like some new studio, 30 minutes outside of whatever city on a highway. God, I'm really rethinking my choice to become a newscaster. And so you are getting interviewed at a lot of these places that are outside of town four in the morning

with robot cameras. I mean, I'm not doing this much now, but when I was doing the clubs, I did a lot of those. They never asked me on the news. I don't know what is. Well, a lot of those. They never asked me on the news. I don't know what it is. Well, a lot of times people say no now because they don't want to wake up at 5 a.m. Well, you don't do a lot of touring though, right May?

I don't. I'd rather not. I'd rather not. Yeah. I mean, that's, I mean, fortunate I've been road dogs for years just like going into those news stations and morning radio and so what you're saying they're not really doing that anymore you said?

So many places now are relying on people's social media. It makes a lot more impact than the local news. That makes sense, makes a lot of sense. Do you think this podcast will ever be made by robots? Well, now that you bring that up. Wait a second, Tig, you sound a little different. Well, I don't think it's possible. We would need our sparkly special personalities

and that is what I have. It doesn't sparkle quite as normal. I feel like it is sparkly. Everything is fine. No more questions. Oh, all right. Your head just spins 360 degrees. That's what I say to Stephanie when we have an argument.

You say everything is fine. No more questions. I just say no more questions. I like that. I might use that. It makes her laugh. It has to be like if we have an argument that's not intense or something, it's just a little heated and then she's got a lot of questions.

I'm like no more questions. You can use it. Just give me credit. and then she's got a lot of questions. And I'm like, no more questions. Yeah, so. You can use it, just give me credit. Just give me credit. That's from a pal take. So, Fortune, you're not in Toronto anymore. I've left.

You two are there without me. I felt it when you left that I felt like a ripple in the energy field when you left. Yeah. My heart sunk. Yeah, I didn't feel that, but when did you leave? The ass crack at dawn this morning. Oh, today you left.

That makes sense. That's why you texted saying, I'm running a few minutes late, just landed, plug it in my equipment. See listeners, listen to that. The dedication, the dedication. Fortune moves back to LA, lands, gets home, plugs in the equipment and we're off to the races. And we're off to the races with this gold. This is me going on.

That is right. I was filming till late, no sleep. Jeez. Here I am. Feeling handsome. You look more handsome than ever. Did you sleep on the plane? I did. I passed out right away.

Okay, Trist come out. They said, do you want breakfast? I said, later please. And then I fell asleep. And then when I woke up, it said over the intercom 30 minutes till landing. I was like, whoa, I was tired. Nice. So you got no, what time did you wrap production last night?

And was that everyone's last day? Yeah. Everyone's last. Well, we have to film, we have to film in Europe. Um, but the Toronto crew was wrapped. Yeah. Uh, a lot. They filmed till like probably five in the morning

and I think I got home at like one or two. Do you ever worry when you, if you sleep on a plane, worry that someone's gonna take a picture of you with your mouth hanging, I assume you sleep with your mouth hanging in the aisle. I had never worried about that until you brought it up. Yeah, I worry about that sometimes. So I cover my head with a blanket.

Like I cover my whole head with a blanket. Yeah. That's smart. I had the eye things on and everything. I was so tired. I didn't care. People are taking a lot of pictures. I didn't care what people thought of me.

I was just like, good night. Do you guys ever wear the big eye shades or whatever they're called? Oh yeah. I don't sleep. I have trouble sleeping in general and I certainly don't sleep on planes. Although Stephanie does make fun of me

because I said that once, I was like, I don't sleep on planes. And then she looked over another time and I was like, but that was not in the past five years when my sleeping has gone downhill. But- I do not require sleep to function. You should try eye shades. Okay, you're saying eye shades. You mean like an eye mask, right? Not sunglasses.

That's what I meant. Tomato, tomato. I could be in a completely pitch black room. It has nothing to do with that. It is totally hormonal, menopausal stuff that's going on. So, trust me. I can't stop myself. I'm getting older. And I just wanted to share that with everybody. So menopausal over here. Yeah, yeah, it's coming for you. Don't you worry, it's coming.

I can't wait. You think that like in the cat community, like cats have jokes about menopause? Oh, I do, I do. I think there is a lot of menopause, but actually I think it's a lot bigger in the dog community. Oh, really? It's not as... I just pictured...

Yeah. Yeah. I pictured like a sort of tabby cat that's wearing glasses like Janine Garofalo and she's doing a one woman show called Menopause. I'd see that. Yeah. Was it there a show called something about menopause? There's some sort of stage show.

Not the vagina monologues. That's different. That's the McCooder. McCooder monologues. By the way, Kate McCoochie commented on the handsome post of where I was teasing about her name and she thought it was hilarious. Shout out, Kate. Well, she texted me directly and said she thought it was hilarious. So shout out Kate. Well, she texted me directly and said she thought it was terribly rude what you were doing on that episode.

Ever. Nice try. I'm looking at Menopause the musical. You're Googling Menopause the musical right now? Cause I feel like there is, yeah, there's a, it is called Menopause the musical. Well, can you improvise some of the songs? No, um,

Night sweats, can't sleep, no period for me. That is so catchy. Whoa. Night sweats, no sleep, no period for me. Period. I like it. Yeah. And then everyone's like, it's menopause.

And then they're singing about it so happily. Okay, while you're telling us this, I'm picturing you pitching this to a studio executive, trying to sell it. You're like, and then they're in the background going, menopause. menopause. I don't have the chorus nailed yet. I felt like the verse was pretty strong.

I beg to differ. I think the whole thing was just solid start to finish. I would need May's musical prowess. No notes for me. It's done. No notes? It's done. It's menopause, menopause.

That's another song. That's a whole other track, yeah. Let's get physical. Yeah. They don't care if I use it for this, right? Menopause. Menopause. I wanna start menopause.

What a podcast, what other places, talking about menopause. Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan's gonna go, What other places, talking about menopause, where else are you going to go? Frigeree, talking about it. We haven't talked about our live shows that we did in Toronto. Oh my god, Mae, were they so good, right? Well, fortune were they ever. And let me just say thank you to everyone who came out. We had a lot of hometown people there.

We did. We had a lot of hometown people there. We did, we had my camp counselors. Yep, and that's it. But there were a lot of camp counselors. Yeah, we had my ex-fiance who we really, we called on for a question and she then sent her new wife to the stage to ask a question.

And then I actually had brunch with my ex the next day and she was like, yeah, so you keep referring to Jan as my new wife. I just wanna remind you, she's my only wife that I ever had. I was like, all right, sorry. Good point, good point. I was thinking that when you said that

and you said it the night of the show too, that it was her new wife. And how long have they been together. How long have they been together? How long have they been married? Years. Yeah, it's not her new wife. No, it's her only wife. It's just like centering myself in the narrative in a way that is-

Yeah, you're like, oh yeah, we weren't married. Yeah. She also was like, you always on the podcast talk about how you were 20 when we were together and she's like, I just want to clarify you were 20 when we met for a couple of months, but then you did grow up. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You went from 20 to 21? 20 to 25. Oh, you were you were with her that long? Yeah. Oh, okay. And now she's got this new wife. Brand new wife came out of nowhere. You guys cool that you guys are still friendly. Oh man, she's an icon, yeah.

Yeah, and so is Jan. But yeah, the shows were electric. Like the audience, the t-shirts people had made, like someone gave us bonnets that we wore. Oh yeah, because the first show people were like, wait, where were our bonnets? And someone from the first show gave us bonnets, so we wore them in the second show. Yeah.

This is all true. They didn't give us the bonnets until after the show was over, so we couldn't also wear them in the first show. So apologies to the first show. You didn't give bonnets. Our sincerest apologies. Our sincerest bonnet apologies. I mean, if there's one regret from that whole night, there's no bonnets in the first show.

My favorite moment was when we asked for questions from the audience and this man came down the aisle and I guess he looked like your quintessential kind of straight dude. And I feel like everyone in the audience was like, oh, is this guy going to, what's this guy going to say? And then he was so sweet and was like, but then he was like, oh, you guys promised a three-way kiss. I was like, what do we say on this podcast? Like, I guess we promised a lot of things.

I guess we promised to wear ball gowns and do a three-way kiss. And kiss. He was showing up for the three-way kiss and ball gowns. Yeah, and I just was like, what else have we said or promised on this pod? People do remind us sometimes of things and I'm like, wait, what? What did we say?

Yeah. But it must be one of the things on the list. We need to keep it more on the straight and narrow, I would say. Yeah, I'm gonna stop being so dirty. Yes. No, please, no. Okay, then I won't. You need to stop being dirty. Did you see how fast that I pivoted?

I mean, right before we started recording when Tig was fixing her equipment, you were miming, giving a blowjob for no reason at all. May, what are you talking about? It's true, sorry, but it's true. How dare you? Also, how would you even know how to do that? You know the old, this, that thing. Fortune, fortune Marie.

I thought you were brushing your teeth. I thought you were brushing your teeth. Then that's mouthwash. Anyone watching on YouTube right now is getting a real treat. I thought you were brushing your teeth. Then that's mouthwash. Yes. Anyone watching on YouTube right now is getting a real treat. Now, how do you know how to do that? Yes, how do you know how to do that? I don't know. That's from elementary school.

Elementary school? I'm not doing it. I've never given one. Yes, right. That's like a classic 90s blow job motion. I'm not doing it, I've never given one. Yeah, right. But that's where that motion, that's like a classic 90s blow job motion. Yeah, I used to watch Porky's Revenge, remember those crazy ass movies back in the day? I think that was filmed at my summer camp.

I watched all that weird, crazy stuff where they did all that fratty humor. Yeah, I mean that was the time. Have you ever tried to rewatch, like I've recently rewatched Austin Powers and American Pie and I was like, wow, we were really, that was our vibe then. We were all like-

Yeah, I mean, that was the humor was that kind of like frat boy kind of like dirty. I haven't seen any of those shows, any of those movies. I think I watched all, there was like what three Porky's movies. I think so. We're all busy these days. If you're a homeowner, you know that the to-do list can get really long. But what if you could save time and money on your home insurance policy? That's a task that Allstate can help with today.

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I don't know. I went through a phase as a kid where I wanted to watch the adult movies. Yeah, me too, except it was like Deer Hunter. But I was so boring and I was such a rule follower. I wasn't watching it and then like, let's go party. I just was like, huh, okay. I'm just kinda taking it in. You watched it and then imitated a blowjob?

Yeah, I learned how to do this. I mean, even though it's not frat movies or frat humor, I think I told you Max and Finn got really into Dumb and Dumber. I don't know if I mentioned that, but they watched that on a loop now. They are so obsessed with that film. Really? OK, I'm going to rewatch that.

Just so I can bond with them, I'm going to rewatch that. Because that was and I remember reading that Jim Carrey really pushed for. Is it Jeff? Who's the guy? Daniels? Daniels. Yeah, Jim Carrey really told the studio like, who's the guy? Daniels? Daniels. Jeff Daniels. Yeah, Jim Carrey really told the studio, like it's gotta be him. Yeah.

Well, cause we had never seen Jeff Daniels in that kind of light. So it was like, whoa, what is this? Yeah. There was a year where like Ace Ventura, the mask and, and Liar Liar, some of they all came out in one year. Like Jim Carrey was the king

of the world right he was like yeah giant movie star yeah yeah i liked all that stuff i used to watch like billy madison i liked all that silly okay i feel like we're reaching we're talking ourselves into now like we gotta write a buddy comedy the three of us that is just so puerile that is like old school and you went that, that's just joke after joke after joke. Like dick jokes. Should we do that? And we'll call it dumb, we'll call it both. Well, here's what needs to happen,

is that fortune needs to be hooking up with guys all the time. How, what? All the time. Just- What? I'm a married woman. I'll do it. I'll take one for the team. Yes, May, can you do it?

Oh, in the movie you mean, Fortune's Like a Movie. Slutting it up around the town. Oh, I would play straight. I would play straight. I could stretch myself. No, you got to let straight actors play straight roles. Because look at this. Look at this right now. Do you see how my hands are? I do.

Your hands look very heterosexual right now, I will say. I will play straight in your movie. I think your character shouldn't know that they're gay still and they're just sleeping with every guy they can get their hands on. I can see myself playing that. Yeah, well, there you go. I just-

This will be kind of like first wives club kind of like that. Or it'll be called new wives club and you're actually in it. Yeah. This is how straight women hold their hands, right? What sort of perched on their shoulders. Right above their boobs. Hello, hello men, who wants to do it?

And what is your role, May, in this film? Yeah, I'm waiting for you to tell me. Because you're casting it, Tig. You're a hardcore nerd, May. Oh, great. You're just. I'm a virgin. Yes.

Oh, a virgin. Yes. Now you're a virgin. Yes. Oh, a virgin. Yes. Now I'm a little juicier. You're a virgin. You're very nerdy. Fortune is just a drunk slut. Yeah.

Maybe I sell encyclopedias and I've memorized all the encyclopedias. And you're the only person still on the planet selling encyclopedias. Yeah, the only one. People that have not heard of Google. They're like encyclopedias. So what one. To people that have not heard of Google. They're like, encyclop, encyclowhat? So what is my character? Okay, your character, Tig, is like, you're like this sort of high-powered CEO,

but super charismatic and sort of manipulative, like in your high-power power CEO role and everyone just, you're always like striding through the office. Like Devil Wears Prada? Devil Wears Prada, you're Meryl Streep in Devil Wears Prada, whoa. Oh yes, yes, of course. How do all of us connect?

Yeah, how do we run into each other? I'm all fluttin' it up and she's runnin' a company and you're a nerdy encyclopedia seller. And you're just a nerd with big glasses. How do we all come together? Okay, we all end up in an elevator. Hold on. This is how I press the button.

I don't know how we all come together, but guess who you lose your virginity to, Mae? Who? Fortune. Is it Fortune? I knew you were gonna say Fortune. But wait, is that how Fortune realizes she's gay? Oh, because I'm stuck in an elevator. I'm like, I guess.

Only this is not what I do. I'm in the elevator when you guys hook up. We're all stuck in an elevator. This is like a porn. And I'm going up to my office. Are we filming a porn? It is a porn. It's a porn. What? I thought it was a buddy comedy. I thought it was to my office. Are we filming a porn? It is a porn. It's a porn.

I thought it was a buddy comedy. I thought it was a buddy comedy. I thought so too, but the more- They're doing an elevator and you're watching? This is very porn. I'm not watching, I'm mortified. You're facing the wall. You said you were in the elevator.

I'm yelling, fortune! Stop that! Okay, so you're in turn to face the wall. Yeah, I'm going up to my high powered office. The elevator gets stuck. One of us going up to your office for a job. Me, I want to sell encyclopedias to your company. Yes.

And Fortune's just there trying to hook up. Yeah, I'm just riding elevators because why not? We get stuck in the elevator for two weeks. Oh my God. Yeah, Fortune is losing her mind. She needs a piece of something, you know? How do we, do we just have a, we randomly had a backpack full of water and food.

Well, we're drinking our pee at this point, I think. This is, now this is, this movie's taking a terrible turn. That's my choice, That is my choice. We do have the backpack of water, but we went from porn to survivor. I think that the trailer is like they were from three different walks of life. They entered the elevator as one person, but when they emerged, they would never be the same. At what point do we start eating each other? Eating each other's ass. Fortune!

Eat my ass. Eat my ass. Why did you say Fortune? May said it. I said it first. I have my back to you. I said eating each other like, survival style. Fortune, and Fortune Marie.

May did it first. Fortune, Marie, I don't care who did it first. Oh my God. What's in your coffee right now, Fortune? Oh, this thing? Yeah. What is in there? Oh, I'm a robot.

Oh, coffee. That's what I, my character is a robot. This movie is all over the place. I'm a robot. That's the big reveal. Yes, and Fortune's trying to get me to be a sex robot. And I'm like, mm-mm, back off. Why am I so horny in this movie?

And you're working on me. May, you're working, you've built the robot. Oh my God. And then at one point we'll have to, we'll press like the emergency button and we'll be communicating with someone on the outside who's like, hang in there guys, we're gonna get you out of there.

And I feel like that should be a stare perl. Okay, but when we push the emergency button, it gets jammed. And then the people on the outside can hear us in there and all they hear is eat my ass over and over. And I'm like, Fortune Murray, Fortune Murray. Well, this makes a lot of sense. Yeah, where do I sign? Do you think Hanyu is gonna buy this?

Absolutely. We've never read the movie before. I think it's gonna be a franchise together. Oh yeah, this is just the first movie. First draft. It's gonna evolve. Well, here's the thing is each new movie takes place on a different floor.

Oh, great. Ooh, I do like something happening on a different floor. Oh great. Oh, I do like something happening on a different floor. But in the elevator still, you just move up another floor. We're still in the elevator, Jesus. Yeah. And each movie is four hours long. Oh my God. I gotta eat ass for four hours.

Yeah, you are. You are. You are. A four hour porn. Oh, that's too long. Who wants that? Not me. Yeah, sometimes I do get sucked into a kind of wormhole when I'm... Really? On the rare occasion that I watch...

Oh, anyways. Well, sometimes I keep like... It's like I never... It's never what I want it to be. It's never as good as I want it to be. So I'll start watching a vid, sometimes I keep like, it's like I never, it's never what I want it to be. It's never as good as I want it to be. So I'll start watching a vid and then I'm like, ah, I'll click on someone else. And I could definitely get sucked in for like,

Oh really? You want like a whole backstory. I don't know backstory, but. But you're watching for a while? Yeah, cause I can't settle on one. I can't, it's like when you're trying to pick a movie on Netflix. Cause I was like, how long is this porn? No, it I can't settle on one. It's like when you're trying to pick a movie on Netflix. I was like, how long is this porn?

No, it's like I'll watch 20 seconds and want to be like, oh, God no. So what are you looking for in a porn? Well, I wouldn't take. Good question. Fortune, what are you looking for in a porn? A jammed elevator? I'm not just saying this.

I have not watched one in forever. Really? Yeah. How long? Years and years. Really? Yeah. What about you, Tig? I have not seen anything pornographic. The only thing pornographic in my life is Fortune's mouth.

Yeah. Really? So okay. Yeah. Really? So this whole thing? Yeah, that's the only like X rated stuff going on. I mean, no judgment kudos to those who do. I just have you tried audio porn because this is my new thing because if I'm watching stuff, sometimes I'm worried about the people or it doesn't look real or whatever. But audio is just someone saying really filthy things. Yeah, baby. Fortune?

Fortune? Fortune? Ow! Is it? Ow! Fortune Marie! That's what I imagine it's like. Uh, ow!

Owie, owie no, owie no, owie no. Wait, do you see Fortune's body language when she's saying ow? Like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, like somebody cramming a knee in your back. That would hurt too. Truth be told, equally as hurtful. Owie no. That's the porn. It's called owie no. When my cats are healthy, they're happy. And that makes me happy. But since I'm not a mind reader, I don't always know when they're unwell. Helping me keep tabs on my cat's health is just one reason I use Pretty Litter. Pretty Litter's super light crystal base also minimizes mess and dust. Plus, the crystals last up to a month, which means less scooping and fewer trips to the garbage can. I love my cats so I

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I usually when I'm tired, I get an emosh. Oh yeah, you start. Oh, I have cried. I did cry for no reason twice in the last 24 hours. No way. Why? Well, like saying goodbye to the crew and stuff. When they wrapped me out, I got surprisingly emotional.

I was not expecting it. I hadn't thought about it coming to an end. We just have such a lovely, this was our second season and the cast is just really lovely and we laugh a lot and it's very positive vibes. The crew's like amazing. And you know, as you guys are experiencing and have experienced being away from home for many, many months is lonely, you know,

it's lonely and it's hard to be away from your home and the, the crew is just so lovely to us and take such good care of us that it takes some of that away. And then when it started hitting me, that it was coming to an end, I got a little emotional. I was like, so I was kind of embarrassed. So I started in my rep, they have you do like a little speech. I started crying a little bit. I started hiding my face like,

I'm leaving on a jet plane. That's right. What was your goodbye speech? Just giving thanks for what everybody has. Well, it's serious. I can't, I wanna get emotional again. And then I got home and right before I came on here, I got emotional again with Jax

because I hadn't seen her much. So anyway, it's just one of those days. Oh man, I'm fine. I always thought like your brain functions better when you're rested obviously but I read that you're actually more creative when you're tired. Like your brain actually functions better creatively when you're tired. I definitely have less inhibitions when I'm tired. Tell me about it. I don't know if that's creative but it's something.

When you're tired, Tig, what are you like? Useless. I'm completely useless. I am the exact same. I'm just absolutely useless. I'll read at night before bed, and I do that to read, but also to help make myself tired

and get ready for bed and stuff. And I look like I'm out of my mind when I'm starting to fall asleep and I say weird things. And anyway, should we see who we have on the podcast today? Absolutely. Well, today's questioner is a standup comedian whose first special, We Ride at Dawn, has been a huge hit on Netflix. She also hosts the super insanely popular podcast, Giggly Squad. Some people also saw her on Summer House. She's very fun, very funny.

We've also saw her on Summer House. She's very fun, very funny. Today's question is being asked by Hannah Berner. Hi, handsome. This is Hannah Berner. I'm so excited to be on the podcast. I thought long and hard about this question. I want to know what your inner voice is like, because I know you guys talk on stage a lot and you talk on the pod a lot, but what is your inner voice like?

How do you talk to yourself and how has it changed over time? Also I want to do one follow-up. Can you do an impersonation of that voice? And I'm so worried cause I just realized I have to answer the question too. So now I have to think. Great question. Have I ever thought about my, what my inner voice sounds like? Mine is incessant. Oh really?

It's always going? Yeah, I think I'm, it's like, I can't even look at an object without in my head going like water bottle, book, table, wall, like, like I'm, it's incessant. I would love if like your inner voice had a totally different accent to your real accent. It probably could if you could if you wanted to. I don't think my inner voice has a southern accent.

What do you mean? You think your inner voice is like British or something? I don't know. I don't think it's British, but I don't hear a southern accent. Like maybe Massachusetts? Like where is your inner voice from? No, it's not like that. I think it's just like a run of the mill, middle of the road. Maybe something like this. Is it similar to my voice? Is it the voice of Siri?

Oh, that's a good one. I don't think it is, but now I want it to be. I dated Siri. Hello, Fortune. What are we doing today? Mine's kind of more like, well, if I try to do an impression of it, it's gonna have a southern accent. You know what I mean?

You're gonna have to adjust. Hey, Fortune, wake up. We've got a lot to do today. Are you feeling good? I'm feeling great. All right, let's get to it. Oh, I love that. Yeah, it's like a motivational speaker kind of like life coach.

Like Tony Robbins is in your head. Well, that would be kind of a little bit more scratchy kind of situation. Like you will get attract what you desire. Yeah. Mine's more just like, let's get up and go. Come on. It's going to be a great day. Mine's like, Oh, another day, another dollar.

Oh, it's like your debt. Is that Debbie? Yeah. Nothing ever changes. Nothing evolved. There you are. I used to, when I was in college, my inner voice like was like yours may, it was going on over overtime all the time.

I would lay in bed at night worrying and overthinking and thinking a lot and just like the wheels were never stopping and it used to drive me crazy, but I feel like as I got older, that started to quiet a lot. That's good. I feel like it, as I got older, that started to quiet a lot. That's good. And I'll have moments where I can definitely get fixated on something where it's just like the wheels won't stop and I'm just like, ugh, ugh, I gotta eat that ass.

I gotta eat that ass. That's right. Those are like fewer and far between, thank God, as I've gotten older. But how are you, like, are you guys still working on overtime? Yeah, I think, I mean, I gotta get a therapist. Because I know my inner voice is like very critical and negative. And like, I mean, I think that's true for most people. That's like our constant challenge in life is like,

yeah, well, I do have a fact about it. Oh yeah, give it to us, my fact, please. Well, did you know you have about 60,000 thoughts a day and 80, no, 95% of them are the same thoughts you had the day before. I think not even just the day before, but I think that if you really, I mean, I do that all the time where I,

when somebody says, oh my God, I can't believe you called. I was just thinking about you. It's not that you were just thinking about them. It's that they're in a rotation. You know? They're one of many thoughts you have all day, every day, every day and night. Different people cross your mind, different experiences cross your mind, different wants and needs.

Like things are just, you know, you're not having new and exciting thoughts all the time every day. You're just recycling these thoughts. That's why you gotta get out there, go to the park, see new things, new experiences. I was at the park today. Were you? I was.

You see any squirrels? Yeah, those little black squirrels. Yeah. Love those guys. I was at that little, it's like a little farm in Cabbage Town. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a park farm graveyard. Oh my God.

It has many different, listen, I'm by myself in another country in town. But yeah, I was walking through this little park that also had a farm and then oops, there's also a graveyard here. Yeah, it's so helpful to get out, experience new things and watch stuff, read stuff, get some new thoughts going, new conversations. Yeah. Yeah, I know. And I know we're all supposed to meditate, but I probably said this before,

but I did have a therapist specifically tell me you personally should not meditate. Why? But I forgot, why did they say that? I mean, who knows if this guy was a quack or whatever, but he was like, it would be dangerous. He was like, if you sit down and you clear your head and like this tidal wave might come. So he was like, if you sit down and you clear your head and like this tidal wave might

come. So he was like, don't just suddenly think I'm going to sit and meditate for an hour or whatever. I disagree with him. Do you? I do. Great. I think that is the, that's the exact, I mean, it can be helpful to anybody, but especially a really busy mind, you know, it's, uh, so I mean, it can be helpful to anybody, but especially a really busy mind, you know? It's like, let some of the air out of the tire. Yeah. Yeah, I'll dip my toe in. I'll start with like three minutes, four minutes. Have you ever done it?

Well, okay. My mom used to take me to a Zen Buddhist temple when I was about 10. She got really into it. And we would go and meditate. It was grownups and kids and this amazing monk would lead it and I always remember he'd take you through a body scan and you'd have to tense each muscle and hold it and then release to get to the relaxation before you meditate and he'd always go, tight, tight, hard, harder, and release. Sounds like that porn.

Yeah, it's very much probably where this started that I listened to this audio porn, I'm thinking about the monk, but yeah, I guess I did it then and I liked it. I liked the smell of the incense and they gave you a little cup of tea and it was very like sensory nice. And then I'd leave and I'd feel compelled to do and my mom too to do like the worst stuff like we'd we'd leave the zen arena and then we'd be like let's rent an action movie and eat candy and like in like really adult like we both were like well that was good now let's be the worst I agree I think I agree with Tig I would be curious to see you try it.

Okay. Yeah. Especially with your thoughts being in overdrive, maybe that could be helpful. Yeah. See what I actually think about things. It's so calming. And especially, I mean, the way I was taught was to like not put the pressure on yourself to have anything other than as few thoughts as you can have and not focus too much on anything. But if you do have thoughts, don't stress about it.

Just kind of get back to your mantra. Like, did you when you were doing meditating, were you given a mantra? No, we did a bit at om, but I wouldn't mind if you guys wanna give me a mantra now, I'll test it out. Well, I mean, yeah, I would try eat my ass. Maya.

Well, I got my mantra from my meditation teacher. Whoa, so you're like a legit meditator here. This is okay. And they gave you a personal mantra. Yeah, yeah. She comes, they come up with a very specific mantra for you. And that's what you meditate on. You're supposed to just think that mantra.

That's all. It's not even a word or phrase that is recognizable. It's just, yeah, it's... It's like DD mega doo doo or something. Yeah, it's doo doo mega doo doo. But yeah, essentially, like if it was something like doo doo mega doo doo, you're just saying that to yourself.

Please let that be someone's mantra. Doo doo mega doo doo. Doo doo mega doo doo. And it's like 20 minutes twice a day. But I'm not consistent on it. That seems like a lot of meditating. But here's the thing. I love this.

What drew me to it was hearing somebody talk about how when people hear 20 minutes two times a day of meditation seems like a lot, but when you meditate 20 minutes a day two times a day, it actually creates more time in your day for you. And I thought that was so fascinating. I think because you get your thoughts centered, you get yourself centered, you have a way more focused day. And that's, I don't know.

It's just, and I found that to be true. Yeah. And- I know this is true. I mean, I don't know, maybe it's like a kind of ADHD thing or something, but like, I know that you're right. But even when I take a bath, I'm like playing true crime podcasts. Cause I'm like, just keep, keep things moving.

You are perfect for meditation. Perfect for it. All right, I'm gonna try it. You should, because it's like, yeah, as Fortune was saying, being away from home and your life and stuff, it can be isolating and lonely. And to me, I feel like it's a really great- And you're not like centered.

Yeah, and it's a great opportunity while you're removed and you're alone that you can make these changes in your life potentially, because you can implement these changes in your life potentially, you know, because you can implement these changes very slowly, very slowly. I implemented chamomile tea. I've never been into chamomile tea, but this is my new thing before bed. I'm loving it.

I think it's so fun to start new. I always do them. I just do one thing. And once I start getting that into my life, and it feels like, all right, that is folded in and it's a part of me, then I move to another one. But you don't wanna overload yourself. But I'm all for May meditating, start small. I might meditate for the rest of this recording.

Start small. I might meditate for the rest of this recording. Okay. I think that until you get trained in your meditation, we should come up with a mantra for you. Yeah. Eat my ass. Is it doo-doo, mega-doo-doo? Is it eat my ass?

I think for now it's, I think it's doo-doo, mega-doo-doo for now. Uh-huh. It's, and I wonder if anyone knows. Okay let's do this. Mega doo. That would be a combination of both and that is something that could just be a nonsense word that's not gonna distract you and yeah you know it'll just be more mega doodoo. And you're just saying that in your head, Megadoo, Megadoo.

I mean, I'm imagining myself sitting in the meditation position just giggling. Okay, Megadoo isn't gonna do it. Megadoo isn't gonna do it. Okay, is it narcissistic if it's just may, may? Yes, yes. Okay, okay, we won't do that. Scratch that. Let's try tig, tig.

No. Do you meditate, Fortune? How come I'm getting all the advice then? I can see how it would be beneficial for sure. I'm not opposed to trying it. I just have never, I felt like that I needed a little guidance with it. Yeah. You guys have getting a mantra and all that thing and sort of learning some of the basics would be helpful. Like I

wouldn't mind going into a beginner's TM class. There's people that'll come to you to train you at your house. We gotta get Melissa Etheridge. Oh yeah. I almost went and saw Melissa Etheridge and the Indigo Girls together live. I mean, they don't call it old school Les Fest, but that's what it was to me. I really wanted to see that.

Where did you go? I was in Toronto and my it was to me. I really wanted to see that. Where did you go? I was in Toronto and my plan was to go and then the show runner of Star Trek, I got a message that she wanted to meet with me last minute and I was like, ah! No, you should have told her. Well, I didn't wanna be like. Hey, you gotta go Les out.

I gotta go Les out. Hey, Star Trek, I gotta go Les out right now. I wish you could have gone together and had your meeting there, like just yelling over the crowd, my character's what? Yeah. Yeah, I put off getting a flight or anything last minute because I just thought if nobody calls me in, I'm gonna bolt, I'm gonna go and then got called in for that last minute meeting. We'll get Melissa on the pod.

Yeah. Melissa, if you're listening, get on the pod. We haven't heard Tig though, what your inner voice sounds like. My, my voice is, um, I feel like it's my voice. Uh, yeah, it's just, well, that's all it it's my voice. Tell me more. Well, that's all, it's just my voice. And is your head busy though? Yeah, my head's busy.

Like I feel like, actually my co-star told me very casually right before we did a take that she thinks I have mosquito energy. And I'll now internalize that for the rest of my life that I'm just like, but you Tig have the opposite so like is your inner voice as like sort of is the pace of your inner voice the same as like your stand-up like as your inner voice like well I think it is I think it is and you know what I I had this thing come up in my life where it really challenged me in the past week.

And I thought, okay. And I was talking myself through it. I was like, okay, I need to just have faith in myself in this situation in life and hope that this is going to, whatever information I need is gonna reveal itself and I can't let any sort of insecurity get the better of me. And I try really hard to take my own advice because when I picture a friend telling me my problem,

what would I say to them? I wouldn't be like, oh yeah, they totally don't like you or oh, you're not gonna get that job or you know what I mean? I would be like, why are you even going to that? Oh my God, I heard a really useful thing actually that is related to this, which is like a parable or whatever. But it, because like we attach so much meaning to everything

and catastrophize and think about the worst case scenarios. But okay, there's this farmer and one day his horse runs away. And so his neighbors come over. Is this a true story or a story you hear in church or something? It's kind of churchy, but it's ancient Chinese. You know, May's old church stories.

You know, May's church stories. So this farmer, his horse runs away and his neighbors come over, they go, oh my God, I'm so sorry, what terrible news. And he says, maybe. The next day his horse comes back with seven other horse friends that it made. And he says, maybe. The next day, his horse comes back with seven other horse friends that it made. And so he's got now seven horses

and his neighbors come over, they go, what amazing news, what an excellent turn of events. He says, maybe. The day after his son is out there. This is a church story, by the way. Yeah, his son is like taking care of the horses and that one of the horses kicks kicks him and breaks his leg, his neighbors say, oh, what terrible turn of events. This is terrible. He says, maybe the following

day, the army comes over and they're doing conscription. Everyone has to- What a busy place. I know. There's a lot going on. A lot going on. I know. And the neighbors are very nosy. Yeah. The neighbors are really involved and the guy's like, oh, we got to conscript your son for the army. And he says, well, he's got a broken leg. They say, oh, well, we can't sign him.

So his neighbors say, oh, what an excellent turn of events. Now your son doesn't have to fight in the morning. He says, maybe. The moral is, I don't know. I should have been the moral. You'll just leave us hanging? I'm really, I was like, the moral is eat ass while you can. I guess it's like not to, like there is no good or bad. There is just life and you never know what's going to happen next. You have to let it play out.

And I always do try and go back to trust life. And that doesn't mean that something positive is gonna come. And I think it's similar to what you're saying, Mae, your church story is like, there is something around the corner and it could be horrendous, but then it's gonna be incredible. And then that's gonna be horrendous and that's gonna be incredible.

And that's where you just have to, I guess if I was a religious person, I would say that's going to be incredible. And that's where you just have to, I guess if I was a religious person, I would say that's where people go, you let go and let God type thing. But to me, it's more of like, just trust life. You have to trust life. And in a fun capping off of that story of me struggling over the past week with this little kernel of whatever was going on,

it all worked out okay. Where I was just like, don't just leave it be, take some deep breaths. Judge it, yeah. Yeah, and just don't make assumptions. And it's kind of similar to meditation, I guess, of just trying to stay in a neutral place. And then when I got this information that... I love how this is very tickling. Like the little...

It's tickling. It is very tickling. But it was really... I was very proud of myself where I was like, okay, I rode that out and it was okay. It worked out. Yeah, and so much of it is ego too. If you can, our egos are so fragile, not like pride and stuff, but just like our attachment to ourselves and centering ourselves and everything. And, but yeah, yeah, but man, it's hard work.

Yeah, I was gonna say, and that's not to say that I'm always patient in my mind and speaking to myself. There are other times where I feel like I have been a letdown as a parent or spouse or friend or, you know, a boss or coworker or something. And I'm like, why? What was I thinking? Why did I do that? Why did you know, and then I have to pull back there, you know, and be like, you're not the worst person. Yeah, it's like that happened. And I'm yeah. Yeah, yeah.

You have to move on. Yeah. Yeah. Learn from it. Yeah. And I think when we do our buddy comedy in the elevator, it's gonna be deep. Yeah.

I'll be feeling. It won't just be a porn, let me tell you that. It'll be a porn of the message. It is gonna be a real deep porn. Tig turning around and telling us some sort of life lesson. Oh, I know the porn of the message. It is gonna be a real deep porn. Tig turning around and telling us some sort of life lesson. Oh, I know the name of the porn. And then May shares a parable.

What? Going deep. Oh yeah, great, great. Is this about the porn or the life lesson? That's the name of our porn, where we go deep. Yeah, we go deep but you learn something. Okay, so Fortune, your voice is Tony Robbins. No, it's just like a very like, yeah, let's do it.

Life coach. I would love to trade in our voices with either of you, but I'm saying that I'm kind of, you know, listen. You're gonna meditate. I listen. I'm gonna meditate. Yeah, you know, I'm good. I even talk to myself when I'm driving.

So yes, my voice is also kind of me as well. Oh, because you talk out loud. And you've confessed that you can't stop talking. That's not... I can very much stop talking. I just have chatty moods. Yeah, yeah. I have chatty moods and then times when I don't talk at all.

That would be so disconcerting if I saw you at an event and you were just like, oh, I'm quiet a lot. Really? There's power in that. I'm not. I just verbal diarrhea, everything. I mean, usually I'm shoving cheese in my face or some kind of charcuterie situation. A wheel of cheese.

Alright, well should we hear what Hannah has to say? Yeah. Yeah. I think my inner voice, I used to think it was me, but then I learned that it was like past things that people have told me that I've kind of taken as truth when it's not. It's pretty mean. She's kind of a bitch. She's like, she's like a stupid bitch. Some stupid idiot bitch.

That's honestly my inner voice. But I've been working at, if you're nice to yourself, it helps with everything. So I wanted to like, reparent myself so my voice is more like, I'm proud of you. That was really difficult. And you did your best. You're so good with adversity.

You're getting through it. Have talking like you're a hype girl for your best friend. And every now and then I hear you, stupid bitch. But I try to keep her, you know, away. I like that she said, I mean, similar to what you said, take about like, talk to yourself as if you're your best friend. Yeah.

Yeah, we're so much nicer to our friends than we are to ourselves. It's so, I feel like it's so crucial to, yeah, speak to yourself in that way and also take your own advice. Imagine when you're in a situation that your friend is coming to you with that. What do you say to them? Yeah, absolutely.

Well, that was all over the place. That really was all over the place. We went from filth to like church. Church story. Do you guys have anything you want to plug? I actually added one last show to my tour. I thought it was over. But I'm doing- They never end. One last show in the Live, Laugh, Love Tour.

It will be in Santa Rosa, California on November 16th at the Luther Burbank Center for the Arts. So that's- That's it. And that's the last one. I've been doing shows at Comedy Bar here in Toronto and working out my new material. It's been so fun. The crowds have been so great. And I also have a show in Kansas City on November 2nd and then in St. Louis on November 15th.

And then whenever I'm in Los Angeles, I'm still doing shows at Largo and Dynasty Typewriters. So check out tignotaro.com for tour dates and check out my special Hello Again and all the other stuff that are TIG related. Dive right into it. Don't forget to grab whatever handsome merch you're craving at handsomepod.com. Also like and subscribe to the pod. Tell your pals. We appreciate it. Yeah. And also don't forget to rate the podcast. That really helps us. There's so many key things of like rating, reviewing the podcast, subscribing, sharing an episode that you think is so ridiculous or whatever you like about the podcast, share the episode with a friend

and let's grow the handsome crew here and the pretty little ladies and ladies and so on and so forth. And send in your questions for the pretty little episodes too. Send in your questions and we'll try and get to them. Check those out. Every Friday is a new little pretty little episode. So make sure you tune in

because you can hear our lovely listeners asking us questions. That is right. And until next time, what do you say we all just keep it handsome. Handsome. Megadoodoo. Handsome is hosted by me, May Martin,

Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod.gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast!

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