Handsome - Lance Bass asks about clones

Episode Date: September 19, 2023

Lance Bass of NSYNC asks a "would you rather" about clones! Plus stories from Tig, Mae and Fortune about cheating dreams, MMMBop, and... making out with yourself?!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodEmail the show: [e-mail]'t forget to rate & review Handsome wherever you get your podcasts!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to another episode of handsome the most handsome pod in all the land it's me your gal fortune feimster and i'm with the awesome take no taro and oh sorry i was waiting for like another adjective like oh and the matt and the incredible uh may martin this is the podcast where we just compliment each other. Because why not? We want to feel good. Yes, and we're handsome. We are. One of us is a pretty little lady, though.

It's great to see you guys. I've missed you. I know. It's nice to be back together. It's hard to be apart. I like your t-shirt, Fortune. Is that your own dog on your own t-shirt i'm wearing my own merch this is my dog biggie um who's also here i don't know if this feels so crazy he's there

and he's on my shirt and what does it say i ain't got no stress it says ain't got no stress it's from my last special i tell a whole story about how he almost died oh and uh but he made it he ain't got no stress well good yeah spoiler alert he made it and where did the name biggie come from because he's not big yeah it was one of those ironic names he's eight, but he's big, Biggie. He's basically nine pounds in your eyes, right? That's right, yeah. We rescued him and the rescue called him Buttons. And he didn't seem like a button. Yeah, that wouldn't fly in my household.

So Biggie just fit. He has a big personality. I think it's that. Like the iconic rapper, Biggie Smalls. And what's his big personality like? it's that like the iconic rapper biggie smalls yeah and what's his big personality like he's just full because all i ever see is he's sleeping yeah every time we see him he looks dead he's crazy i just i i need to understand this because you always his personality comes out when i'm not taping a pod he's been trained to know to just chill when i'm when i'm doing a zoom or podcast okay you guys don't make me defend my dog i just don't see a terribly big personality that's because you're not at my house

come over and you'll see he gets real riled up when he sees a squeaky toy i am what so he's also a genius he's a genius he runs out at the end of my special you'll see his personality there okay well watch good fortune and he'll run out at the end he's the he's the the end of the whole thing the biggie finale the biggie finale is him yeah do you think um dogs ever have dreams where their owners treat them bad and then they wake up and they're in a bad mood at the owner like they're you know what you know how you like if you dream that someone cheated on you and you you're like just annoyed at them all day even though they didn't i wonder if dogs are like i don't know i have had jacks upset with me before

because of a dream yeah and i'm like this doesn't seem fair. I've had that too, where I'm looking at Stephanie, just like, what have you been up to? While I was completely passed out snoozing. Biggie doesn't really get mad at us. He gets upset every now and then when we're not with him, so he'll pee on something to show us. I wish I could do that. Did you know that they...

You can, by the way. Yeah, you're right. There's nothing stopping me from doing that. Didn't that at... What's her name? Pooped on... What's his name's bed? Amber Heard.

Yeah, there was something there. I read this study where they filmed the dog home alone, and then the owner went out, and they didn't tell the owner when they were gonna go home again to see the dog and then randomly at like 3 p.m in the middle of the day they go okay time to go home and as soon as the owner knew okay i'm heading home now the dog psychically got up went to the door waited for them so i think whoa there's psychic connections between there's all kinds of things going on that we don't understand interesting well our cats are all outraged when we leave the house

really yeah we've got three cats especially fluff man she if we go on vacation, as soon as we walk in the door, she's like, she comes up and just swats our legs. And we're just like, how dare you? Yeah, she's like, where the hell were you? Where were you? And the other cats kind of chime in doing their little meows, but they're not as aggressive as Fluff. Yeah, I imagine when you said that, like, they were giving you the silent treatment or like being a little standoffish but they're fully oh fluff is

outraged outraged i mean not attacking but just like swatting our our calves yeah she doesn't really understand that you know we give her shelter food water like we're really we're not the enemy here yeah right and we had someone taking care of her it's just we went on vacation and it's just it seems a bit much yeah do you ever sit fluff down and say we give you everything i i do i uh i sit her down oftentimes and tell her a lot of things. And I haven't seen one of those conversations register in her walnut-sized brain. You show her your bank statements. You're like, this is where I bought it.

Always. I'm like, look at this. Okay. You think I don't love you? Fortune, would you ever get a dog psychic? Maybe. I would love to know what biggie's thinking though i can't imagine it's very deep he doesn't he doesn't strike me as a

philosophical dog i feel like he's very simple like i love you where's my food yeah no it's more i love that you give me food. Exactly. People misunderstand the affection from their animal and think that they're so loved. But it's just like, this is the hand that feeds me. Yeah, I love that you feed me. We do have in our place, we never had cameras before on the interior part, and we do now.

And so we never knew what he was up to when we were gone. And now we can check in on him. And he literally, for like four hours, will lay by the door and wait for us. And you can see his head tilting back that he's howling. And every time I'm like talking to the camera, like, please go lay in your bed. Just go chill out. Can he hear you? I promise we're coming home.

He does not. we don't i guess have that psychic connection because he's still at the door and not moving i wasn't sure if you had some sort of oh no i don't have where you can be like we'll be home soon precious no i'm just talking to myself like a crazy person like please go lay in your bed just enjoy your night but yeah we're crazy we don't have kids so this is where all of our attention goes do you are you not a cat person at all you're just i don't know i've never had a cat so i don't know if i'm a cat person or not i haven't been around a lot of friends who have cats, so I don't have much experience. That's weird.

When I was a kid, I... Invite me over. I begged my parents for cats, and then they got us two little kittens finally. And this is like such a metaphor for maybe our family, but we were so scared of them and didn't know how to have kittens that we kind of didn't touch them enough.

Like we kept them... At night, I was scared that they were going to crawl on my face. So even though I had begged for them, to have kittens that we we kind of didn't touch them enough like we kept them at night i was scared that they were going to crawl on my face so i even though i had begged for them and then so they were we kept them in a kind of enclosure just at night and they would meow all night they just wanted love and affection and we didn't touch them and then so they didn't really care for us later in life like they were yeah but here's the good news assholes your face is fully intact exactly yeah yeah i got both eyeballs yeah you got all three eyeballs yeah you are all set i just love the idea of like these kittens are too precious no one touched them yeah what if we bring nobody

touched them yeah that's always you know you, you do that with kids as well. These are precious little beings. No one touch them. Lock them in a room. Yeah. All will be fine in the end. Yeah, padded walls. But you've got to let them make mistakes, right?

Like with kids in playgrounds and stuff, it's so tempting to just like hover underneath them, but they have to learn their own body weight and yeah yeah it's it's tough tick did you did you always want kids i did i always um kind of imagined though that i would be by myself with one kid and for some reason in my head, his name was Lil Timmy. Yeah. And it was me and Lil Timmy. And we were just going to go everywhere and do everything together.

And I just didn't have faith in my ability to have a long-term relationship. Or I just didn't have that pressure on myself and so I just thought well I'll probably just be alone in life and and date but I'm gonna have little Timmy and and I'll put him in the basket in the front of my bike and yeah and we'll just like a kitten yeah we'll just go around the world together and then I met and, and then little Timmy never appeared. But Max and Finn did. But I did. I always wanted them. I pictured little Timmy as just like a tiny version of you, like, just looking exactly like you kind of like a paper moon, you know, Tatum O'Neill and Ryan O'Neill. But then you saw your unborn children in Stephanie's eyes right away,

or? I mean, I don't know that that happened right away i mean we did a movie together and there wasn't romantic uh sparks or anything we just had a really nice time yeah working together and then afterwards was when we reconnected and then when we started dating i was like wow i have never felt the way i feel right now and it is that i want to be with this person for the rest of my life and yeah i had really never ever felt that i i've enjoyed the people that i dated um been in love all sorts of things but i it wasn't quite like that it seemed there was no other option yeah yeah magic i like that i actually had a come to jesus moment that involved tig and stephanie which i think sort of cemented my

friendship with you guys because we had one of those like vulnerable moments of like people everyone's just being real yeah you know like we'd known each other for years and like hung out but like never really you know talk talked yeah and we had a mutual friend who invited all of us to dinner and I had just gotten dumped and was just like done with dating yeah and I we were having like a normal meal and I think Tig you might have been like how are you just like something simple like that and I just like hard on my sleeve uh-huh laid it all out there for the whole table like I'm sad i don't like i just got dumped yeah i don't know if i'm ever gonna meet somebody i'm like this it's just so heartbreaking and they had

these like beautiful words for me and we just had this like real moment you know yeah i remember that feeling of like do not say that you there is somebody out there and you are going to find this person i have all the faith like i really remember that feeling in that conversation i was like yeah there is no world where i believe that this is the end of the road for you and then totally boom i met jacks like three or four months later yeah i love that and then i saw you again and you were like hey how you know how's it going since you know that last time we talked and i go you'll never believe this and like we just were like you and i just like had like this friendship ever since it was like really cool yeah we were both goofy in love. Not together, but yes, go on, Mae.

Thanks for clarifying. Don't get any weird ideas here. That's the big plot twist. Yeah. I read a thing because I hate when friends of mine are like, it's just never going to happen for me. And then I read this quote that was like, instead of searching for love, search for the boundaries within yourself that are preventing you from accessing the love that's everywhere and and because there's so many people for every like there's so much love around and then I had a dream the other night I had a dream

the other night where I swear to god in the dream I like I knew with such clarity that that there was a mathematical equation that the amount of love that you put out into the world is the exact amount of love that you get back. And in the dream, I knew it for sure. Who knows? Isn't that a Beatles song? Yeah, it's lyrics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The love you take is equal to the love you make.

Yeah. But in the dream, I was like, no, that's math. And I knew it. I don't know that I believe it in my waking life, but it feels true. That'd be great if you could just crunch numbers like that and have a dreamboat show up. I'm owed this much love this morning. She'll be this tall. This is her career and there she is.

Yeah, I know. You're not really the settling down type though, right, Mae? I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that. It evolves like depending on the circumstance. Yeah. Yeah, I definitely, no, I'm totally open to settling down. I just get philosophically in my head about like never.

I feel like I get a lot of my life forced from like Eros or like desire. And so I get in my head about like never having any other sexual experiences or or one person holding the keys to that whole part of me but then i'm totally into the idea of building like a life with someone for sure yeah it's fun i mean i i think it is it's the most fun yeah it's so fun yeah i mean like real intimacy like that is that's a bigger high than anything and that's what i'm looking for those highs yeah maybe maybe you'll have like four wives sure maybe you'll have two wives and two husbands yeah Yeah. Yeah, that's true. That too. We've been talking about it on the podcast.

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slash handsome and use code 25handsome to get 25% off your first month. That's 25% off your first month of Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic at seed.com slash handsome code 25handsome. I love the show hacks and it is back baby for season three. That's right. We are going to see what kind of antics Debra Vance is up to this season. She is such a treat to watch because who doesn't love Jean Smart? She is so freaking talented. Now, season two left off with Ava being fired. If you haven't watched any of Hacks, guess what? It's on Max. You can catch up and I highly recommend that you do so before season three starts. There is also an official Hacks podcast. In each episode, Hacks creators Lucia Agnello, Paul W. Downs, and Jen

Statsky speak with cast and crew members to unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. So check out that podcast, but watch Hacks streaming exclusively on Max and listen to the official Hacks podcast on Macs or wherever you get your podcasts. I feel like you might make your own path is what I'm saying. Well, it's just it's funny how like situation dependent it is. I don't know. I don't know. I never talk about my actual love life, but I am seeing someone now who I'm like, actually forget everything I ever said. Interesting.

Look at you yeah well we did know from the other day from the other podcast you were in bed with someone so yeah there were some signs that someone was around and does the person that you're dating right now know that you are like maybe forget everything I ever said yeah yeah i can't imagine you keeping anything in my brain no no i'm i'm a hard on my sleeve yeah yeah i have a hard time you know when i have information yeah especially about myself i'm like i i gotta get it out there totally yeah yeah i mean i try not to like trauma dump on people i heard that phrase but then it's like but that is that's what friendship is right of course dumping on people

yeah as long as it's in like increments yeah you know it's not like you know the first time like give it all out like in one dinner yes yeah I saved my trauma dumping for one dinner with Tig. Yeah. But just one part of my life. Yeah. I was going to say that's the only trauma you've, except you're in really good shape there. I have no other problems.

Good night. Everything's been fixed since Jax got here. Silence. I was just, I feel like we all have like an internal clock that knows, oh, now is roughly the time for the question. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's true. Maybe.

Should we head on in that direction? We have a question from someone. How exciting. Who is this person? Oh, can I tell a little story about um lance bass before so okay maybe i'll introduce it and then i'll tell my nsync story yeah okay so guys i'm really excited because fortune you've got a question from lance bass the lance bass singer actor nsync uh he's got an amazing podcast that you can hear

called Frosted Tips with Lance Bass. I'm like a big boy band fan. That's really my era. And I love Lance Bass and I love NSYNC. And one time... I'm sorry, can I just say? Yeah. I heard it as big boy band.

I'm a big boy. I'm in a big boy band. I'm in a big boy i'm in a big boy but big boy band i'm in a big boy band yeah that's a fun thought aside from just boy bands like a big boy band i got my big boy pants on and my big boys the men yeah okay boys to men um i i think i was kind of like boy who cried wolf in school a little bit like i would maybe emish. And then one time I went out for dinner with my family and at the next table, as is at the height of their fame was Lance Bass and Chris Kirkpatrick. And I was like 13 and this was huge.

And this is before phone. So none of us had a camera, but I was like, I need a picture with them. And we asked the waiter at the restaurant, like, is there like a restaurant camera? Like, do you guys have one?

And they did. They found one. They did? Yeah. And so then got a picture outside. He was so nice to me. Chris Kirkpatrick, Lance Bass, took the photo, went into school the next day.

And knowing like, they're going to get those photos developed and I'm going to go get the photos, told everyone the story and then called the restaurant. And they were like, we have, we can't, we don't know what you're talking about. And I could never get the photo. They were like, Oh, we don't have the camera or like, and so everyone thought I was lying. So I don't know if you could ever get Lance Bass to back me up if he remembers this little braces acne kid. Lance, I'm gonna need you to dig back into your memory bank. I'm sure this is sticking out all these years. Where was it? Was it in Toronto? It was in Toronto in Yorkville. Lance is in Toronto in Yorkville. My whole body was vibrating. And also,

we were like, we're not going to interrupt their dinner. We're going to wait till they leave the restaurant. So that meant we had to wait till they were done so we were dragging out our dinner we'd run out of stuff to say i don't understand where this that they they're acting like the camera never even existed well it just took a few phone calls of like oh we don't know who was working that night or we don't and then it was like okay no we this guy took the picture but we don't know where that camera is or I never got the, and so everyone at school was like, yeah, right. This is like when you said. Heartbreaking.

I can't wait for Lance to prove all of them wrong when he remembers. Every detail. This detail. I have a big boy band story. Oh, yeah? Let's hear it. I was skiing and went to take a little break. This is years ago.

skiing yeah and went to take a little break this is years ago and I'm sitting there alone at this table having lunch or something and the table in front of me there's just a lot of chaos going on people ordering food coming over sitting down you know skis and whatever and I'm not fully focused and then then I'm thinking, this looks like Hanson. And then a beat later, I'm like, this is Hanson. And I was just sitting alone, just this lonesome lesbian. Just watching Hanson have lunch with their parents and and family and it was just such a funny moment where i just thought it the time I went with friends to bowl in Hollywood. And right next to us, the lane over was the Olsen twins for their 13th birthday.

No. Wow. Yeah. And I was like, gosh, there's so many people that could have enjoyed this way more. I was like, gosh, there's so many people that could have enjoyed this way more. This doesn't feel right that I have a front row ticket to Hanson or the Olsen twins. I wish that you had waited till the end of their meal and got the restaurant camera and been quivering with excitement. I'm just shocked you knew that they were Hanson.

Yeah. Well, I do follow music that is okay that's that's one of my uh passions yeah i love music they were huge so they just released a new acoustic version of that song and let me tell you it is amazing are you serious yeah yeah they're like who on earth needs an acoustic version of of mbop may does honestly i don't even think we needed the acoustic version of nirvana i love i'm not sure we needed the original mbop but well but we've got it i just i've gone off in a different direction here but i was just i like nirvana for nirvana

you know what i'm saying i don't need you unplugged plug it back in yeah plug it back in i don't want to hear the sex pistols unplugged you know what i mean well my boy band before i i loved in sync but they were like um getting popular i think when i was a freshman in college i grew up on new kids on the block and i was obsessed with jonathan obsessed like you wanted to date him yeah i wanted to date i put well for both of us and i put his picture and posters of them all over my wall this is when i thought maybe i'm straight because i was obsessed with them and got tickets to their concert cried like a baby the whole concert just sobbing realizing you're not straight not straight but i think i ultimately just wanted

to be in the boy band yeah is what it was later on in life but i know jonathan now and it's funny to be like i was obsessed with you how do you know all these boy band guys you know lance boss honestly i don't know how i think i met Jonathan because he used to watch Chelsea lately. Okay. And then Lance, I think just through the whole gay world of living in LA. Yeah. How have I never met him? I don't know.

Cause he, he gets around a lot. I guess cause I'm always home. That would be it. And he never swings by. Can you invite him to something fortune? I really want to. Yeah, he's been to, he's been to quite a few things that but i guess i haven't had you there before because that it's been a while since we've

thrown anything yeah but next time i do i'll invite the both of you i'll be chill i promise i remember i invited him to sit at a table for this event i was doing and my friends were freaking out because they were big instinct fans and they were like I can't believe I'm about to sit at a table with a member of NSYNC and I was like guys don't embarrass me I don't even know what NSYNC sings honestly even though bye bye bye oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh tearing up my heart when i'm with you is that in singer backstreet boys oh that's insane it is see i feel like i know if you gave me a lineup of in sync i would go oh that's lance bass but i don't know if i'd know the rest of them would you know justin timberlake oh yeah yeah yeah he was in nsync yeah oh okay chrispatrick Joey they actually have a lot of hits I can't name them right now see I feel like Joey could be in any boy band in all the bands and I didn't know that

what's his name was in a boy band I thought he was just in the Mickey Mouse Club what's Justin Timberlake didn't know he was in NSYNC Justin and JC were like them two main like singers for NSYNC Lance had the bass part okay and then who is in I know Donnie Wahlberg is in New Kids New Kids yeah Jonathan Knight don't know uh Joey McIntyre that sounds familiar Jonathan and his brother Jordan don't know him okay but I did know who Hanson was. That's true. Yeah. But they're more of a sort of folk family outfit.

Yeah. Yeah. I can't believe you got to see their parents. I'd be fascinated. You were more of a Taylor Dane gal. Which is one of my most favorite stories anyone's told in the history of stories. You're kind. You're kind.

If only it were made up, and it's just not. But, yeah, I think I would know Donnie Wahlberg. They're a, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Oh, hanging tough. Yes. You know that song? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Wait, should we listen to Lance's question? Oh, yeah. Sure. Oh, yeah.

How's it going, Fortune, May, and Tig? It is Lance Bass here. And boy, do I have a question for y'all. All right. Would you rather have five half-sized clones of yourself or one full-sized clone of yourself? I'll tell you what just surprised the hell out of me. You bet his voice was deep? Yeah. I told you he sings bass.

Oh, right. Right. That is a hot voice. And how crazy that his name is Bass which is also spelled bass yeah that is crazy i never thought of that his voice is so nice i'm i'm stunned velvet he's got a sexy voice we need to relax let's all take a deep breath okay you got us feeling all handsome over here pretty little lady over here tig did turn into a pretty little lady hearing lance's voice hey yeah yeah wow someone told me our mutual friend said that and i don't know if i have not confirmed this with lance but i imagine it's true that lance sang the part of the chili song that went barbecue sauce you don't know you know that song i want my baby back baby back baby back chili's baby back ribs and then it

ends with barbecue sauce someone's our mutual friend said lance why don't you text him and ask him so we can get an answer here okay i'll find out is lance uh single is he married he is married to a gorgeous man named michael who's an artist and they just had twins a boy and a girl um because i'm trying i haven't oh it doesn't matter well i don't know well i i was thinking about getting on this before i started dating this person i'm dating now but i was thinking about getting on on grinder and i was thinking like because i i was thinking god lance bass sounds hot and then i thought maybe i would be his never mind no it's too much you were thinking that you might be his type well yeah like i i don't know i sometimes look like if i'm in a steam room or something at the gym i'm thinking

of one specific time in a steam room at a gym since i have my top surgery if it's steamy enough i can look like a sort of twink and i and and i'm into that and i this guy came in the steam room and he thought I was a guy and I knew he was a guy and he was flirting with me and it was electric because

something about the fact that it was because then he did start he got his dick out and he started anyway but but it was really steamy

and nothing happened except that but I was like if I thought that this was a straight guy who thought I was a girl I'd be like ugh like call the police but knowing that it was a gay guy who thought i was a guy i was like this is a glimpse behind the curtain into a whole other world and and it's so hot and i was

like okay i maybe i get on and then i did make a grinder account and i didn't put my face on it and i would just say like i'm you know I don't have a Wait are you going to be catfishing people? No I say Oh you say I say my name is May Yeah I go I don't have a dick but I got a very hairless chest

Well I'm sure if Lance was single this sounds quite fun. Does this sound appealing to him? Maybe. Hi my name is May. I don't have a hair. Not a lot of hair either. Maybe what we can also do with this show

is ask our guests who they want to date out of the three of us. Out of the three of us? Oh, no. What? I'm going to lose. who they want to date out of the three of us yeah oh no what i'm gonna lose but i mean do you want to win no i mean are you looking to date lance bass yeah after hearing that voice yeah it was really creaming anyway we i just texted him his notifications are silenced right now so we'll see but he is a part of chili's history which is all that matters i guess in the cultural zeitgeist i

know i want my baby back baby back but i don't know uh the rest i don't and i've never been to a chili's i just went to my first cheesecake factory i had the time of my life you did i love it i loved it oh that's my i don't like seeing the calories on the menu that bums me out but it's tasty i like a 50 page menu that's when you know you're at a nice restaurant when they have the calories next to what you're ordering what'd you get me i got these are a I got a pasta. A pasta. I love Canadians saying pasta. Oh, pasta. What do you say, pasta? Pasta, yeah.

That's handsome. I just got a message from Lance. He wrote, sure did, like a good base. Oh. But I don't know if he's trying to say... We caught him in a lie. Now that you've pointed this out, Tig, I don't know if he's saying like a good bass or like a good bass.

Mae, I'm sorry to interrupt. You got a pasta? Oh, yeah, shrimp pasta and then a ton of starters and then so much cheese paste. How many calories did you walk out of there? Like 10,000 calories. I don't know. I wasn't adding them up.

All their starters are so good. Oh, my God. I like gentle brown food there's so many things that we need to do together one is to go dine at the cheesecake factory the other is to get a massage together yeah thomas can you can you tally all the things and get drunk and do a tour if you could keep a tally or a list of all of the things that we're claiming

we're going to do together but we have to make sure that Cheesecake Factory has some vegan options they do I was in Honolulu and I was desperately in search of some vegan options and there was a cheesecake factory across the street and hot damn wow right there whoa they are most places

most places have them okay good so i've never i don't think i've ever heard you take answer a like a would you rather question like a hypothetical but for some reason you strike me as the type of person who'd be like like but why am I doing either of these things and it's like well that's the question is would you and you're like that but why do I have to have five okay Stephanie and I always do this always where we'll be like uh would you do this or would you do that or out of you know there's a group of mothers that are at our kids school the mothers of the other kids and and the other night before bed we were ranking who we would date in order and then every now and then stephanie does this

to me and tease me she charlie she uh charlie brown and lucy's me she'll be like i would never and i'm like what after i've told her who i would date in order she's like i wouldn't date any of them you know and you're like and i'm like yeah and i just told you and she's like oh good to know she's in the number one spot. Oh, my God. That's amazing. Yeah. That's a trap. Yeah.

But no, I'll play along. But I do. I do kind of go off in the on what planet? What wizard is presenting me with this choice? So what was the question was five mini clones, like half size. So are we talking about like a like tiny, like three foot version of us? Yeah. Or one full size clone of us?

Well, isn't the only benefit of having a clone is getting them to do the stuff that you don't want to do. So you'd need one that would pass as you, like one full size size for me i'm pretty freaked out by the five half size okay but then they could there's a lot more they could do even more yeah there's a lot i don't know why they have to be smaller um frankly because people would notice that i'd shrunk like they people would be like i'm trying to imagine a three-foot version of me i'd be like i look like a little roly-poly the only way i hide my weight is because i'm almost six feet you're almost six feet well i'm like five ten you know what stephanie did mention that yesterday she was like you, Fortune's really tall.

Mm-hmm. And I said, I didn't even notice that. I'm a 5'10 tall drink of water. Yeah. What about you, Mae? How tall are you? 5'7". I'm just the little one.

Wait, are you 5'5"? I'm 5'5". 5'5". And I had back surgery, and I might even be 5'4". Oh, my God. It shrunk you? Yeah. Yeah shrunk yeah yeah yeah I think so I'm pretty freaked out by clones but um my dad was very freaked out by body snatchers when he was a kid I guess invasion of the body snatchers came out or something like that and so when his

mom his mom was always working and so she'd come back home late and he said no matter what time you get in come wake me up and then she had to say he would he would say airplane and she had to say window and then he knew it was really her and not a body snatcher yeah wow he was serious about that yeah so maybe you got to just tell your clone all the secret words. I would like to clone Biggie. Can I do that? Yeah, Barbra Streisand did that. Would you want Biggie half the size? Five little Biggies? Yeah, do you want five?

A four pound Biggie would actually be pretty adorable. And five of them. I would actually kinda love that. Oh, there is nothing better than tiny little animals. Tiny little Biggies running around. Yeah. Full of personality. Thank you very much.

While they sleep. I don't know. I would be kind of freaked out by five little versions of me. I could handle one. Do they have your same personality or is it like they're starting from scratch? It kind of sounds like it's just children. That's kind of what five tiny versions clones of you would be. Because I see myself and Max and Finn and I feel like I have two little versions of me.

Yeah. I don't think I want a child version of me. You don't think i want a child version of me you don't i have a question would you guys make out with your clone just to see ew no god no really god no way but i love that you want to make out with yourself of course i want to know i want to know you're like i want the gay guys to love me i want myself to love me i'm shocked that you wouldn't you wouldn't want to just see what it's like i would not want to go with my clone in a million years or five tiny versions of myself yeah definitely not that i'm not doing that we walk, Mae's having an orgy with half.

Yeah, like five tiny versions. Outside of the steam room at the gym. Yeah. Yeah. So are you saying, Mae, that you would want five versions of you? I'm going one full size so i can make out without feeling creepy okay i would say it's still creepy yeah yeah yeah sure sure i'm gonna vote creepy still creepy yeah yeah but also yeah i'd be sending it to do kind of shows i didn't want to do or like i'd always do this podcast my real self though oh that's how would we know i guess we'd say airplane window yeah yeah

and then we're like we're like clone can you go get me i love i love me i love the exhausted what clone clone and does clone appreciate being called clone yeah what would your clone's name be yeah clone just clone yeah just clone i don't want to like humanize it too much in case it gets any big ideas but are you annoyed by clone because it feels like you've been married to clone for-huh just come make out with me a clone oh my god making out with yourself just not for pleasure for curiosity sake for like just that's what that's what you could say to anyone that you're trying to hook up with you're like i'm not even i'm not even into you i you. I'm truly just curious what it would be like to make out with you.

I need you to just, you know. This is for science. Yeah. I'm still shocked that you wouldn't. Yeah, never. No, no. I don't want to look at myself making out with you. My eyes are closed when I'm making out.

Yeah, I don't know. I wonder if there would be like a pheromonal repulsion the way like you're supposed to be pheromonally repulsed by your siblings so that like biology to prevent you from. I would love to walk up and see Fortune making out with herself and be like, Fortune? They both turn. And we're like, busted.

And then you go, clone. Clone we should have yeah i think i would want a full size version of myself i mean i'm not looking for one, but if I have to answer this, I would say full size, and I would send my annoying clone out into the world. I don't know what I would send my clone off to do, though. Right. Well, have you ever wondered what you'd look like with a neck tattoo or something like that? You could get them to do all the risky, big mistakes just to see, you know, so you don't.

Do you see a neck tattoo as a mistake? On you specifically? It doesn't seem to fit you, that's for sure. I don't know. If you got anything on your neck or on your clone's neck, if your clone called and was like, hey, I really want a tattoo and you're like, clone, fine, fine fine fine fine big old tiger

oh that's nice yeah i want my clone to be edgy with bad taste how dare you do you have tattoos me no this is not a tattoo buddy i got a bunch yeah how many you have tattoos? Me? No. This is not a tattoo buddy. I got a bunch. How many do you have? I have about 18, but they're all really small. I didn't know that. They're all really small and just words and stuff.

I might get an NSYNC tattoo on my clone just because Lance was the one that asked the question. I'm too much of a puss too for tattoos that look very painful they really don't you go numb really fast and then it kind of weirdly feels good yeah they're pretty once you start they're addictive would you ever get a max and finn tattoo tig some people say oh i just never had anything that i was certain about and then they have kids and they're like okay i'm always gonna love that person. No, I mean, I know I'll always love them. But I don't, I don't think I will. There's not anything that No, I just I don't I don't connect to it. Yeah,

I certainly will see people with tattoos that I think, Oh, that's cool. And then I see other tattoos where I'm like, Oh, no. Yeah, some of mine, I think would fall, that's cool. And then I see other tattoos where I'm like, oh, no. Yeah, some of mine I think would fall into that category. Why did they do that? Yeah, yeah. You have one of those? I have a couple of those, yeah. What are they?

Where you feel that way or you know people are looking at that going, oh, bleh. Like I feel that way. Yeah, I've got the word oatmeal tattooed on my wrist from when I was 16 and then I have uh I have a Beatles song here which is the song is I dig a pony and um I got it mainly I was sort of getting sober and I was like god this song is like the whole Beatles message like you can celebrate anything you choose and all this stuff. And then I hadn't googled it before I got the tattoo. And the first thing that came up, first of all, pony is a euphemism for cocaine. I didn't know that. So I've got I did. I didn't know that either. Yeah. Second of all, first thing that comes up is John Lennon saying that's my least favorite

Beatles song I ever wrote. It's garbage. It means nothing. I wish I could throw it in the garbage. Like, yeah. Tell me about oatmeal on your wrist. The true story is I went on it was the Second City Touring Company was on tour, and I was 16. And I somehow went along with them. And there was this woman there who had a big crush on this comedian. And she took my shirt off and drew a bunch of tattoos on me looking back strange sitch but uh drew them on and then i thought hey what would be hilarious is if i went and got one of these tattoos to to really impress her and the look on her face when i revealed that i had got the oatmeal tattoo that she drew on my arm that i thought she'd be like whoa what a badass and she was like oh my god what what have you done what have you done did she know you had a crush on her oh yeah yeah yeah anything ever come from that no even with the oatmeal tattoo yeah that

didn't push her over the edge no i mean i was 16 but the other way. Yeah. It's a long story. I'll tell you another time. Wow. Well, she probably was like, who in the world gets oatmeal tattooed on their body? That might have been the thought. Yeah, because I don't really have any strong feelings about oatmeal as a food. But in a way, that's kind of nice because they'll never change. Like, I don't mind oatmeal.

I don't particularly. It's fine. Well, let me tell you something about oatmeal you want to make sure you always get steel cut oats why uh it's just the healthiest version okay no need to put any sort of sugar in there just smash some bananas some blueberries some cacao maybe some raisins or maybe you don't like raisins maybe some walnuts maybe you don't like not walnuts in there it's so good for you very heart healthy very heart healthy really that's where i can put the blueberries that you told me i need to eat yes the blueberries and wild blueberries are much healthier than uh just growing it in your garden. Sometimes if I have oatmeal in the morning,

I feel like I'm more hungry later in the day. Well, did you eat again? Because you can eat again. Yeah, that's true. You do have that option. Yeah, you can eat again. Yeah, you can get your clone to make it for you. And you know what I actually heard that I find really fascinating?

I was talking to Stephanie about this recently. Is that, you know, it's typical to have a very light breakfast. And then you have your lunch. Then a big dinner. It should be reversed. Because you are asleep for so long. And then breakfast will sustain you first thing in the morning. And it's like the biggest meal that you should have in the day.

You should eat breakfast like a king or queen. Yeah. Then lunch like a prince, dinner like a pauper is what they say. Yeah. And then because you don't need as much, you don't need as much food for your night, night time.

Yeah. You're going to sleep much food for your night night time. Yeah. You're going to sleep. When I lived in Spain, it was breakfast wasn't huge, but it was a giant lunch and a small dinner. That's where the tapas came into play. Yeah. I like that. And I lost a bunch of weight living in Spain and didn't even try. How long were you in Spain?

I lived there for a year right after college. Whoa. i the weight fell off of me and i was eating whatever i wanted wow well i would to answer lance's question just have the one regular size version of me because that's just weird thinking of five little me's running around. Yes, so we're all going one regular size. Yeah. Should we hear what Lance said? Yeah, let's hear it. See, for me, this one is easy.

I would definitely pick five half-sized clones of myself because I would create the coolest, most epic boy band in history. I mean, think about it the synchronization would be insane interesting again i'm stuck on why do they have to be half size because that's the only way that this works oh i mean five of him you know in the harmonies but except he's he sings bass. So who's going to do the soprano? Maybe he can teach one of them to get a little higher.

Well, there's got to be higher and lower bass, you know, versions of bass. So that would be kind of cool. Remember that band Crash Test Dummies? Yeah. I really... Fortune? Once there was this girl who that one that's the one yeah you could start a new crotch test dummies uh-huh yeah so that makes sense for him because

you know he's a boy bander for life yeah i had a feeling he was gonna choose the five because it's like why would you say that unless you had a uh a point to it and then once he said it I wasn't quite expecting though that he was creating a tiny little boy band but he's a he's a group like a team player and we're all like egomaniacal like solo we're like well especially you making out with yourself yeah i know i gotta take a long hard look at well i can't wait to see his new boy band you know i just realized in this episode we have referenced mbop and that uhhmm, that Crash Test Dummies song. Oh, yeah.

You've also discovered that bass and bass are spelled exactly the same. Yeah, a lot of discoveries. A lot of discoveries. And that they would make out with themselves. Yeah, and Lance. Would you ask him if he remembers a weird little kid? There must have been every time he went to a restaurant. I'll probably have to ask him that next time I see him

because I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of follow-up questions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you also ask him if he would be interested in dating me? Yeah. Okay. If him and his husband and his... I'll be a step-parent to the twins they are such like a cool couple like lance's they're both like so handsome they're they hang out with this friend

group of all these like beautiful gay men and they go on these like vacations where they all post a big group picture and everyone you can tell is eating steel cut oats and blueberries. They're all very fit. But wild blueberries. Wild blueberries. And they're just like the most gorgeous group of friends. Not one Ugg in the whole group. Not a single Ugg.

Not one Ugg. Are they all full size or are they? All half size. All full size. And Lance's husband's gorgeous. And he he makes pop art, which is like so their house is really cool and has all this interesting pop art. It's like they're a fun couple. Yeah.

It sounds like they're living the dream. Yeah. We got to go on a group holiday. We just have Pokemon around our house. You know, May's added something to the list that we need to go on a holiday to a handsome holiday holly bobs oh yes holly bobs handsome holly bobs i already forgot about that word and i was i was determined to uh put that into my um day-to-day life. Put a neck tattoo of holly bobs. Holly bobs.

Where would we go on our holly bobs? That's a good question. Gosh, somewhere tropical? Well, yeah. Do we want tropical or do we want like wintry? Well, we already know take skis now. I don't anymore. But I do think that, you know, people, the fans are going to want to see us on a boat sailing in our bikinis. Looking so handsome.

Yeah, drinking our tropical drinks that are in pineapples or whatever people do. Eating steel cut oats out of a coconut. Yeah, I'll be doing that off in the corner. Yeah, so add that to the list, Thomas, our handsome holly bobs. Teg, what do you have coming up? Well, May, I'm going to be in Colorado Springs, September 25th, Breckenridge, Colorado, September 28th, La Crosse, Wisconsin, October 28th. Also the month of October, I'll be in Europe touring around, check my website for dates. And then November 4th, Brooklyn, New York, King's Theater for the taping of my next special. Fortune, do you have anything?

Starting September 29th, I'll be in Portland, Oregon, Spokane, Washington, Boise, Idaho, Minneapolis, Sioux Falls, Oakland, California, Evansville, Indiana, Dayton, Ohio, Charleston, West Virginia. And then I just added some Florida shows after Christmas. Go to fortunefemester.com for tickets. May, what about you? Do you have anything to promote? I'm not as busy as you i am kind of

i'm going to a wedding this week so anyway but i it's always good to get tickets to my largo shows i got two in um october at largo get a head start on them i'm doing the october 12th the may martin and friends with very exciting surprise guests and then octobernd, I'm doing like a weird one-off kind of music show with my favorite band. I'm not allowed to announce who they are, but they're a Canadian band who I absolutely am obsessed with. And it's like dream come true.

We're going to do some duets. They're going to do their tunes. Nice. You should come, Fortune, come and sing some. You got it. And get tickets to this wedding that Mae's going to as well. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure the bride will love that.

Well, this has been so fun. I love these hypothetical questions. Is that what you would call it? Hypothetical? That's right. Thank you, Lance, for that hypothetical question. Thank you, Lance. And thank you guys for tuning in. As always,

keep it handsome. I said it too. You sure did. Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsomepod.