Handsome - Pretty Little Episode #20

Episode Date: January 3, 2025

Tig and Mae talk dating advice and floppy ears on the first Pretty Little Episode of the year!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterSubmit questions to speakpipe.com/handsomepodFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Gets me every time. Hello, May. Hello, Tig. How are you? More importantly. I'm doing well. I have a question for you. Oh boy, here we go.

What is it? Do you have makeup on? You know I do. You know I do. This is so strange. First of all, I knew it was just you and me today, so I had to make an effort. Hello.

I woke up, no, I normally put on, I have a sunscreen that's tinted, but today I went the whole hog. I mean like. Why did you go whole hog makeup? Aside from me? I don't, you know what it is if I'm being honest. Please.

Okay, if I'm being totally honest. I would love that. Which I try to be with you. Please. This clip was, like a handsome clip was posted and I just thought I gotta step it up. I was wearing a baseball hat. I looked like I hadn't slept in weeks. It was like from when I was in Toronto baseball hat. I looked like I hadn't slept in weeks.

It was like from when I was in Toronto and I thought if these are gonna live on the internet. So today I did tinted, I put my eyebrow stuff in. I put bronzer on. Wait, what is eyebrow stuff? Please, tell the person who does not. You need to get into eyebrow stuff. What are you saying about my eyebrows?

Well, your glasses kind of obscure them a little bit, but you wanna buy a product called Boy Brow. Now, Boy Brow. Boy Brow. Yeah, and Thomas, I would recommend this as well. It's like, anyone can use it. For his mustache? Yeah, for his mustache.

You just brush it through the eyebrows, you know? And it just sort of- But why is it boy brow? Well, it's stupid. Like, you know, when you buy like jeans that are like boyfriend fit, you know? Like just bad branding. It gives you just a darker brow.

And so boy brow would be so that, you know, a gentleman like Thomas would feel comfortable buying that makeup? Yeah, maybe, yeah. Or is it for, who is it for? I guess I'm confused. Any? That's a good question. It's either for people who are like,

I want my eyebrows to look like a boy's, or for boys who are like, I can buy this because it says boy. But wait, don't boy brows have wiry hairs going everywhere? Because if so, I already have that. You're thinking of old man winter brows.

Grandpa brows. You're thinking of grandpa brow, which actually you should start as a product. I've already started it right above my eyes. I'll tell you what, they are going strong. You're not wearing a stitch of makeup, but you look handsome as ever. Hello.

I just put, I just wash my face and I put this face cream on and then I just head out and then I never glance at myself again for the rest of the day. And if I ever catch a glimpse, I'm usually a little startled. Really? Oh, yes. Because in your in like in your mind, there's someone else that's going to look different and then you catch a glimpse and you're like, oh, right. Well, I'm not even thinking about it. And then I'll like catch a glimpse of myself. And I'm like, oh, my God, what am I? I am. I'm the parent of two children. I'm 53.

How is it that I'm wandering around the world looking like this? So I gotta get myself boy brow. You gotta get boy brow. I don't think that's the only issue I have. I need boy teeth. Boy teeth. My teeth are a mix between yellow and blue.

So. I have been watching over the past week, my life has pretty much been, I've got really into like painting pictures and watching 90s Tom Cruise movies. So I have thought of you a bit because you're tick crew. But I've watched Vanilla Sky, I watched Eyes Wide Shut, I watched Magnolia. I'm gonna be moving into, I gotta rewatch Jerry Maguire, one of my faves. But then- Risky business? Risky business, cocktail, like I wanna do it all.

Wait, wait, wait, I know I've talked about my old roommate, Chris Fairbanks before. Yeah. Have you? I'm about to introduce you to your new favorite thing, and everybody listening is about to find out to your new favorite thing and everybody listening is about to find out about their new favorite thing. Oh my god, it kills me even thinking about. He put himself into like a 30-minute version of the cocktail movie.

No. Oh, May. Thomas, have I sent it to you before? No. You haven't seen it? It is so incredible, so hilarious. He's behind the bar shaking drinks with Tom Cruise. He's like out on the street hanging out with everybody talking. It is the greatest thing.

So look up Chris Fairbanks and cocktail. That's genius. It will destroy you. Especially if, and if you don't know Chris, look up his standup and kind of get to know him and then watch Chris Fairbanks and cocktail. Okay, I will. Okay, I just, we just started following each other

on Instagram, so I'm gonna. Oh nice. It's called Cocktails and Dreams, I just Goog a deep dive. It's called Cocktails and Dreams. I just Googled it. That's ridiculous. That's so funny. How long is it, Thomas? How long does it run?

It's 11 minutes. Oh, I see. I thought it was 30. It was 11 minutes. I love that. Like most people would do like a, you know, a 22nd viral clip. I love that he did a full 11 minutes of the movie with him.

Well, this is years ago. He made this, I would guess it's been like 13 years or something. Really? Does it have a date, Thomas? So he's using rudimentary technology. Well, this is 2020, but that might have not been when it was made. Yeah, that's for sure. It's just when it was uploaded.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Everyone go to it. Check the view numbers and let's see if our listeners actually go. It has 803 it was uploaded. Oh, okay. Yeah, everyone go to it. Check the view numbers and let's see if our listeners actually go. It has 803 views right now. Okay, let's crank that. Let's double that. Yeah, let's more than double that.

Send it to friends. Let's make this go viral. Yeah, also you could just have it playing in the background of your day on loop. Yeah, yeah. Get those numbers up. Now my question for you is, what version of Tom Cruise is most like me? Oh, God, that's, that's really good. Okay.

The thing that first comes to mind is the movie collateral, where he plays a bad guy with, I believe, is there a plane? No, it's, he's in a taxi the whole time. So collateral, he's a bad guy in it, but just like aesthetically, he's got shorter hair in that one. Because a lot of the ones I'm watching, he's got floppy long hair. I've had floppy ears. Have you really? Yeah, I've had floppy ears. So I was not ears, but years.

Just to clarify, you've never had floppy ears, right? I have never. I mean, people have told me I have big ears before. Really? Yeah, but I don't know that they're floppy. And I don't even know that they're big, you know? Oh my God, if you had floppy ears, I'd be obsessed with you.

More so than, what else would you apply to your face if I had floppy ears? Oh, you wouldn't even recognize me. You wouldn't, I'd be full lipstick. Hello. So I was watching Vanilla Sky, which is Cameron Crowe, and it's really good. And then I guess I watched it with my friend

who's staying with me, and I don't smoke weed, but my friend does. So he got really stoned, and he's really loving the movie. It's really blowing his mind. And I'm kind of bringing him snacks. And then the movie ends and I start singing, I guess I remembered that Paul McCartney theme song for Vanilla Sky, which I don't know if he wrote it for the movie, but I started singing it and I sing it like Paul McCartney and I go, the chef prepares a special menu for your delight. All right.

And my friend just doesn't know. It doesn't make the connection of what I'm singing or that it's connected to the movie at all. He doesn't, and he, he doesn't know that I'm doing a Paul McCartney voice. And for some reason, it really spun him out. He was like, what are you doing, man? He thought I was just in the kitchen going, the chef prepares a special menu for your delight. He was like, is that your singing voice?

Anyway. That's so funny. Well, I don't know how to transition from your singing voice to, um, shall we get our first question? We must. Really bad at transitions. Oh, me too. Segways.

Yeah. Me too. But yeah, let's, um, let's get our first question. Oh, hey, handsoms. This is Helen from Columbus, Georgia. And I'm so excited to be asking you a question today. So I am a single mom, been divorced for about two years, got a cute little boy, and I'm ready to start dating again.

So my question is actually really for May, but everybody can answer it. May, you always ask such interesting questions on the podcast, and it sounds like you're like a really interesting person to date. And so I wanna know, like, when I go on a date, what questions should I ask my other person to keep it interesting, to keep the ideas flowing, to keep the conversation going? I'd love any tips and ideas from any

of you guys. Thank you so much. Wow. Well, thank you for the compliments. Yeah. Huge compliments for you. None for me or Fortune. Listen, I'm sure you're very exciting on a date as well. And also there's something. I can guarantee that I'm not. There's something a little, like yeah, I'm asking a lot of questions on dates,

but am I ever sort of present and relaxed and enjoying the date? The jury's out because I'm thinking, what's my next question? I do think that is key, asking questions, asking about their life and their job, whatever's going on in their world. Oh my God, it sounds so basic,

but it's crazy how many people don't ask questions. Look, I can send this person my list of questions if they want to do like full rapid fire, you know, but I like like a hypothetical, I like to get deep. There's like that New York Times article 10 questions that'll make you fall in love with anyone that you can ask each other. I mean, don't frame it like that. It'll freak them out probably. that you can ask each other. I mean, don't frame it like that, it'll freak them out probably, but yeah. And is this for if you are on an actual date

or do you also, like say you're out with somebody that you really like. Right. Is it the same? I don't know, I just like questions, but I am worried that like if you approach it like, oh, I gotta make sure that I'm an interesting person on this date, then you're just going to be performing your personality.

They got to be questions that you're really interested in and want to know. But honestly, these days, just go on Instagram and start scrolling. The headlines that you see, that's what you got to talk about. I saw a headline recently that was like, orcas have begun wearing dead salmon as hats again. And the headline said-

Do you only read the onion? No, this is a true thing. Orcas are wearing dead salmon as hats again. And then it said, and we may soon know why. How ominous is that? We may soon know why, but ominous is that? We may soon know why, but anyway. And we still don't, we don't know?

No, they have no idea. It's a trend that they did 37 years ago. These orcas started wearing dead salmon as hats, like a fashion trend. And now they're doing it again for the first time in 37 years. May. This is true. I think I'm falling in love with you. See? It works. It works.

It works. It works. It works. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First. Like you know to check and make sure you have all your ingredients ready to go before you pull out the blender to make a smoothie. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate First for a quote that could

save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. This content is intended for audiences in the US only. Savings vary, terms apply. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. I think if you're naturally interested in somebody, you wanna hear about them. You want to know what they're up to, how their day has been, their days, how what they've been up to. How have the days of your life been so far? Go through all of your days.

Don't you think someone, someone could honestly just go through our podcast and all the questions that our Question askers send in are really good date questions. Yeah, and you could be like, you know Tom Hanks asked that That's that's true. You could say that but I think it yeah I think it all just boils down to taking an interest in the person you're spending time with Yeah, and if you really have an interest in them, you're gonna really be interested to get to know them.

Yeah. And I'm a big fan of activity dates as well. It's intense to be sitting across the table just making solid conversation for two hours. Go to an art gallery or an escape room or, you know, that's my big tip. Well, great. Good luck, Dayton out there. Good luck, Dayton. Did Helen have an answer of her own?

Okay, here's my answer. I don't know. That's why I asked the question. Thank you guys. Love you so much. Bye. Great answer. That's fair.

Classic Helen. Classic Helen. Classic Helen. Classic Helen. The old bait and switch. Yeah. All right. What else we got? Hey, handsome.

This is Allison from Western Kentucky. I'm very excited to see you all perform in Nashville at the Ryman. With it being such a classic venue, my question is, what is your favorite venue either to perform at or to see your performance? Oh, that's great TIG I'm curious you've you've performed all across the country and yeah, what's the world may and the world yes What's your favorite type? Well? I mean it can be so fun in so many different types of venues You know after you're doing theater tours. It can be fun to just walk into a little tiny club. Yeah. And have that in your face energy. Yeah. And then I don't, you know, when things get too big, I feel like you lose the connection a little bit. And I know people

are very, a lot of comedians are very into like getting to stadiums and you know, doing all that kind of stuff. Maybe it's my style of comedy where I'm like, that sounds like hell. That sounds like hell. I love a theater that's like 500 to like 3500, somewhere in there, it still feels really nice. And I was actually just talking last night about how I did Carnegie Hall. And the way that theater is built, just the tears, yeah, seating, it feels like it really feels like laughter is just raining down on your head because- Oh, that's so nice. It is unbelievably nice. And I know it's obvious-

It's shallow and steep where they're all, everyone's got a good seat. Because it's raged like that. Everyone's got a good seat. It's not like terribly shallow, but I don't, have you been in Carnegie Hall? I think so yeah I mean just standing on stage it's hard to explain yeah probably if I walked in there right now I'd be like yeah it's not that shallow but there was something about it that just felt like the the tears were just on top of me and it just

felt so and I mean tears of laughter. Yeah, of course. You were drenched by the end. Yes. Yeah, that sounds amazing. I think my favorite type as well is a small theater that still feels intimate. I love Largo in LA, but that's partly because I love the backstage so much.

Like it's like if you were making a movie about a comedy club and you made your dream backstage, it's like all twinkly and pictures of everybody and but yeah it's cozy so cozy but I did play in the Sydney Opera House and it was hell because it was like a mixed bill show and it was way too big yeah too scary how big it's not even a thousand it's just designed for like incredible show and it was way too big. Yeah, too scary. How big? It's not even that big. Like 5,000? It's just designed for like incredible sort of orchestral music or something. And maybe

I'm similar. Like if my style was like pacing back and forth on the stage, yelling, delivering like really tight punchlines, but I'm a rambler and a gambler, you know? Yeah, yeah. So I'm going Largo, you're going Carnegie Hall, but also, yeah, a small little club. But you know, I love Largo. I mean. Yeah. You love Largo, you love Comedy Bar Toronto.

Yeah. I mean, I even love someone's living room. I did a tour in people's living rooms, you know? That was incredible. At the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, there's some really cool venues because they're all kind of stone walls and there's some kind of like subterranean

or like under a bridge. There's some weird damp little room. And I did like four or five summers in a row at this place, City Cafe. It's all different now. I think they changed it, but it was like underneath a diner and it was just like really low ceiling, really. And just, yeah, nice vibe. Yeah. Those are really cool rooms.

I also really love, in Colorado, have you been to Red Rocks? No, never. Have you? You're familiar with it? No. Oh, you have to look it up. It's just the most beautiful outdoor amphitheater. Red Rocks. Writing it down. Yeah. Yeah. It's just the most beautiful outdoor amphitheater. Red Rocks, writing it down. Yeah, yeah, it's right outside Denver. Whew, it's real good. It's outdoors, because usually I don't like playing outdoors. I've never performed at Red Rocks,

but I've gone to see so many concerts there over the years, and it is a natural amphitheater in the mountain. Oh man. It is so incredible. You have to look at it. That's incredible. And then I think I remember you two recorded a live concert there and it's just so great. Anyway, that's an interesting question. Yeah.

Let's hear what Allison says. I don't perform, but I do love attending shows at the Ryman. I have been able to see Brandi Carlile there during her residency in 2020 and also the Leslie Jordan and Friends performance in 21. I also want to point out that the opportunity presents itself for you all to premiere the Hanson band at the Ryman. There is no place more iconic for your debut performance as a band. And it's about time for Thomas to cross an item off the list. So I look forward to seeing you

all. Thanks. It's time for Thomas to cross an item off the list. That is crazy when you think about that we've only added items and never crossed an item. That does kind of bring you back to reality. Yeah, we have done nothing. We've done absolutely nothing. And it's interesting that she brought that up because I was just saying to Stephanie the other night, I had forgotten about the suggestion of us.

I mean, I think it was my suggestion where I was like, I think we should start a band. And I brought that up to Stephanie the other night. I was like, God think we should start a band. And I brought that up to Stephanie the other night. I was like, God, we were talking about doing that and we never did it. I really want to. Yeah, I know. I don't think we're ever going to though. We all are too many moving parts. Well, what if like when we go to do the rhyme and we get there like a day early and we just have like an afternoon

to see what we come up with. And we could open for ourselves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We could do just like three songs. Exactly. I feel like you and me are more into it than, than Fortune. I think we got to push Fortune. Oh, I think Fortune, if we got the music down, Fortune would be strutting all over that stage singing her gospel tunes.

Yeah. Well, maybe we need you, you, me and Thomas secretly get together and practice. Thomas on keys and then, and then we're surprised. You're on guitar. Yeah. I'm on drums. Yeah. And then Fortune just comes in strutting around. Yeah. I mean, people would in strutting around. Yeah.

I mean, people would go nuts. I want it. I mean, and when I say people, I mean, like a handful of our fans would definitely enjoy seeing that. A really specific group of people. Yeah. Okay. All right.

Maybe we'll work towards scratching that off the list. Thank you, Allison and May. This was a fun episode. It really was. Yeah, it's always a pleasure. Always a pleasure. Keep sending in your questions for us, please. Submit a question at speakpipe.com slash handsome pod. Go to handsomepod.com for merch as well

and subscribe to the podcast. Tell your friends, review and rate us. Give us some good rave reviews. Yes, please. Yeah, because we're getting together on weekends and weird times and all different cities trying to make shows for you. So we'd love to keep doing it. You can watch the shows on YouTube if

you would like to see my full face of makeup. Oh yeah yeah. Check out the boy brow. Yes check out the boy brow on YouTube and we'll see you in Nashville, right? See you in Nashville, yeah. And I guess until then. Keep it pretty handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, May Martin, Tig Notaro and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod.gmail.com

and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! email.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like you know to check that you wrote 2025 and not 2024 when you're writing the date in the new year. Yeah, checking first is smart actually. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. This content is intended for audiences in the US only. Savings vary, terms apply. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.