Handsome - Pretty Little Episode #21

Episode Date: January 10, 2025

Tig and Fortune talk fashion faux pas and tap dancing at the Oscars on a fabulously fun Pretty Little Episode!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterSubmit questions to speakpipe.com/handsomepodFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Chat with friends on the handsome part. Pretty little episode. Hello. Hello. Welcome to this pretty little episode with these pretty little ladies. What are you laughing at? I'm laughing at you. Just you're like, hello.

Hello. We're here. Yeah. How's your plant doing? What? My plant, my fake plant is amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Would you know that's a fake plant? What? My plant, my fake plant is amazing. Yeah. Would you know that's a fake plant?

No, no. See, that's why I love fake plants. I've not had to water it once. Yeah, you shouldn't. Our assistant was watering fake plants on our back patio. And I saw her do it one day and I was like, oh, it's like those don't need to be watered. I would be confused if they were on the patio though. Yeah, I mean, she had every reason to think they were real.

You're like, why is there a puddle of water under here constantly? Yeah. I do not have a green thumb, so this is the best it's gonna get for me. Yeah, I wish I was a little more green. Botanical. Yeah. I admire those people that have those just like

lush gardens and they're growing all this fresh food. Yeah, I would love to be one of those little old ladies, little pretty old ladies that's just hunched over in their garden and then, you know, they always have little clippers in their hands and then a hat that's covering like their entire body and then you walk by and you're like, hi Mrs. Notaro. I see that for you. And then I look up and I'm like, hi, Mrs. Notaro. I see that for you.

And then I look up and I'm like, oh, hi. Hi. Oh, you've gotten so big. You know, I have those. I think that's in your future down the road. Do you really? Yeah. And I'm not joking.

Like that is my fantasy. Like if somebody told me that I could get that going on immediately, I would be thrilled to have like a garden where things come up high enough to where when you're hunched over in your gardening, somebody just sees that little hat. Yeah. You think I've got that in my future?

I think you've got it in you tenfold. You've got that. But why? It's so in your body. I don't know. Why? I just see you with your little clippers and your sun hat. You can start now. A lot of people do the raised beds. They start with like one of those.

Start with one of those. Yeah. I wonder if there's gardening college or school somewhere. I don't think you need a college for it. I do. I think I need a four year degree. On agriculture. Yeah, and fashion, you know.

And fashion, yeah. Yeah. I think if you watched one YouTube video, you could start a garden. I could immediately hunch over and start picking weeds. Come to my garden, rest here for a while. What's that from?

Listeners, who knows this answer? Thomas almost looks like he does, no? I don't know. You guys don't know it neither. What? All right, I'm gonna tell you. What? Garden is in the title.

Garden State? Nope. Gray. Gray Gardens, the musical. Let's make it. Gray. It is the secret garden. Okay, well, people kept it a secret.

Neither of you seem pumped about that. Okay, well people kept it a secret. Neither of you seemed pumped about that. My grandmother was a gardener. I am not, but I don't actually mind the thought of when I'm older also having that situation. Okay, truth comes out. I didn't know. I thought you were just like, that's not my world. No interest. No. You know what would be, I think a cool way to retire.

I would have maybe two places cause I would get bored. One in a city, like an L like somewhere in LA, sure. But a house in like a, like a Napa Valley. Oh yeah. It's a lot of farm to table situations up there where people are growing stuff and they're eating good food and fresh food. I wouldn't mind a little cottage in Napa or Sonoma and get my gardening on and just drink wine all day.

That sounds delightful. And then how interested would Jax be in the gardening? Not at all or? She'd be interested in the wine for sure. And the charcuterie that's gonna accompany that. She would be very into the vegetables, the fresh veggies. I think I could learn how to be butch and grow our food. So it takes butchie, because I've seen little old pretty ladies

that aren't terribly butchie. That it? Yeah. Feels butch to me. Getting dirty, getting dirty tank. Get dirty, I'm so butchie. Look at me. I gotta get my hands in the dirt. But you have seen the women that are like 80

that are not butchy, that their gardens are really growing. Here's my other problem is I don't feel like I make a good Mrs. Notaro, you know? I feel like I'm only Mrs. Notaro when I check into hotels or like on a flight. Mrs. Notaro, you know, I feel like I'm only Mrs. Notaro when I check into hotels or like on a flight. Mrs. Notaro? I just got called sir last night.

Oh, anyone you know? No, the valet. He goes, have a good night, sir. I said, thank you. I always try to make my voice higher. Thank you. I always say, oh, I'm female. And then I get in my car.

You too. I had this one Uber driver that kept calling me sir and buddy. And I kept saying, oh, I'm female. Oh, I'm female. And he didn't hear. He did not, he didn't hear anything I said because he was looking at me going, whatever I was saying was not.

Did not track for him. He was like, why is he saying I'm female? Yeah. You know? That's hilarious. That's my favorite thing to say, of course, to cause some awkwardness. You love a good awkward moment.

I do. I love an awkward moment. Yeah. I just go with it. Thank you. That's not going with it. Thank you. How often do you get called sir?

Cause I don't feel like you've got a sir look. I do more than you think. I think it's that people, if they're not really paying attention, they just see a large presence. And so I'm not dainty like a pretty little lady. So they just see like the broad shoulders and they just assume.

Oh man, that dude treads water, look at those shoulders. Once every couple weeks maybe? Okay, so mine's every few days. Oh really? Oh yes. Probably your short hair. For sure. I have these long locks.

Look how feminine I am right now. I mean, Fortune's got her hair flung to one side, she's twirling. I would say you're even making eyes at me. Mm-hmm. Fortune, what would it take you, and I know we've already talked about this in many different ways, but really,

what would it take for you to hook up with me? Oh my God, why do you keep asking me this? Well, you can't start twirling your hair and making eyes at me and it's not oh it's not going to cross my mind. You and I would start giggling the whole time. There's no way. But what is it like a money amount? Like what is, what, what is it going to take? You don't have to pay me. Come on. That's a delight right there. Delightful hookup.

Jax and Stephanie walk in and they're like, Oh God, what are you two doing? Like these two. Yeah. Let's go have a hot chocolate by the fire. That's right. A little vino. So you won't put out a number? I mean, I wouldn't have to, you wouldn't have to pay me.

You would just do it. Heck yeah. What a fun time. Heck yeah. What a fun time. And what if we liked it a little too much? We had to sit down and explain. It could ruin handsome.

We're like, Jack, Stephanie, I know it was surprising but funny to catch us, but we actually... We have very intense feelings for each other now. Please let that happen. Okay. I feel like Thomas is ready to give us our first question. Thomas is like, okay, enough of this. He's like, we gotta break this tension and move on. It's too hot. It's too hot in here. Oh, Thomas, did you hear all that?

I did, yeah. Was somebody else in the room? I tried to block it out. We thought we were alone. Okay, give us a question. Hello, Fortune Mae and Tig. My name is Simon and I'm from Canada. Simon.

And I wanna know, did you ever have a style era that you look back on and think, what was I doing? Just a moment in time when you tried something different, maybe you did a crazier haircut, or you went into a certain genre of fashion that you never really tried before. It was an experimental phase, and you look back, and you just think, that was wild.

Oh man, I've had some real bad moments. And they're all documented because I was on TV, I was in press photos. I mean, some of the things, I can't believe I showed up to half the things I showed up to wearing the things I wore. A lot of sweater vest, a lot of vest. What's wrong with a sweater vest? What is wrong with a vest?

But my shirts like underneath were like either too long or too short, like raggedy jeans. Why can't you get it just right? I don't know. Ratty jeans? Ratty jeans, my hair wasn't like, not that my hair is not always insane, but Jax's helped me keep, not right now, I did it myself, but she scrunches my curls.

I know she does. She scrunches my curls. She's the best. I'm just looking for someone who'll scrunch my curls. I found my person. She scrunches my curls. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First. Like you know how to check and make sure you've got marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate before heading out for s'more camping. Yeah, checking first is smart.

So check Allstate First for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. This content is intended for audiences in the US only. Savings vary, terms apply. Allstate, fire and casualty insurance company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. But man, I have, even Jack's laughs now, she's like, oh my God, these outfits.

I'm like, I know. Ill fitting. I think that was it. It was a lot of ill fitting stuff. I didn't know how to get things tailored yet. Oh, ill-fitting. I think that was it. It was a lot of ill-fitting stuff. I didn't know how to get things tailored yet or they were like a little too tight or a little too long or a little whatever, crazy shoulders. Crazy shoulders?

You know, like a men's blazer, but the shoulders look like a football. You gotta get that fixed. It looks like a football player. That's so funny. What was yours? Well, I think the first time that I went rogue with fashion was in elementary school. school and I went through a period of time where, um, I wore a cowboy hat and cowboy boots and shorts.

Nice. And, uh, and it was those like Safari shorts, cause I liked having a lot of pockets and then it had like a, a key chain hook on it on the Safari shorts. Yeah. I mean, not like I'm embarrassed of that, but that was the first time where I remember when I would go over to my neighbor's house to play, it was like, oh, Tig has a new fashion. Yeah.

You know, and- There's so many pockets. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you kept cigarettes and stuff in there. Yeah. I used to also wear little earrings. Uh-huh. And I started dating this woman,

I don't even know when, and she was like, why do you have those earrings in? And I was like, I don't know. And she said, you look like a little girl, baby. You look like a little baby whose parents are trying to signal to everyone that you're a little girl, pierced their baby ears.

How babies with pierced ears. I'm like, Oh no, you do like them or you don't do not like them. No. Yeah. Yeah. I think the baby doesn't, that hurts. They don't want that. Yeah, there's no real reason you need to signal to everyone that the baby is a girl or boy. Put a bow in their hair.

And it made me laugh so hard when she said that I looked like my parents were trying to signal that I was a girl. I wear little earrings. Yeah, I took them out. Yeah. You don't wear any earrings now, yeah? No, not since her. Cause I was like, God, that is funny. Cause I said, you know, now that you're saying that,

I think that is what I was trying to do, is signal that I have a girl. And then I was just like, eh, I took my earrings out. And I- Who needs them? Who needs them? And now, you know, everyone wears two earrings, you know, guys do.

And so you're not really signaling anything. There you are, Simon. What about you? For me, I think all of my fashion choices have been completely justifiable. It's amazing. All right. Yeah, especially the skirt over jeans when I was a little kid.

That was probably the best. Can't wait to hear your answer. Bye. Nice. My hair hasn't changed in like 20 years though. What was it before 20 years ago? I didn't know about layering. Oh, layering.

And brushing. That too. It hadn't reached you yet. You're like curl cream. I don't even know about curl cream. I just found out when you said curl cream. I didn't know that you could layer hair and curve it inward. So it was just a triangle.

Nobody mentioned. You know that Gilda Radner, that character, is a triangle. Yeah, I've been wondering if I should just see what I look like dyeing my hair. What color? Well, brown. I don't mind the gray, but I'm curious what I would look like if I didn't have gray with my face aging.

You know what I mean? Cause I of course know what I look like with brown hair from years ago, but now I'm like, you know, I've got little gray patches by my ears and stuff. I'm going to look like an old cherub. Fat cheeks, rosy fat cheeks, wrinkles. Who also kind of looks young, but is old.

Do cherubs never get older, huh? I'm gonna be the first one. Wow, look at you. You're gonna live so long from treading. That's right. Look at that old cherub. That's gonna be one of your specials down the road is old cherub. Old cherub.

You heard it here first. He sure did. I love it. All right, what's next? Hi, handsome pod. This is Hannah from Berlin. And my question is, what is something you've never done or tried that you think you would actually love

and what's stopping you? Oh, good question. Also, Hannah from Berlin does not sound like Hannah is from Berlin. It feels like Hannah forgot to mention where Hannah was from before she got to Berlin. She's like, oh, I'm in Berlin, Minnesota. Yeah.

I guess I'm Tig from Toronto, huh? Something that you've never done, but that you think you could be good at and why haven't you done it? I've got something. Okay. I've always wanted to do this and fine. Get ready to laugh at me, but I'm about to share a dream. I can't wait.

I have always one, and I don't even know if I'd be good at it, but God, I hope I am, because I want to do this one day. I want to tap dance. Tig. What? This is also my dream. No, Fortune. Yes, Tig.

Let's take tap dancing lessons. Let's take tap dancing lessons. Fortune. I swear to God, as soon as you said that, I'm like, that's mine. Yes. I have, I think tap dancing is the coolest thing. Right. Yes.

Thomas is laughing at us, but just, you know, let's mute his face. I think it is the coolest thing. I want to tap dance and how many lessons do we need? Because I can do fake tap dancing really well. Here's what we should do. We should take lessons together and then host the Oscars. Yes! Like Billy Crystal.

Oh right, you can't host the Oscars without knowing how to tap dance. You have to tap dance. Didn't he use to tap dance in his opening monologues? Or like Q Jackman or something? We should do it. Oh my God, we have to. We have to find a tap dance instructor

and then just take like what a week of tap dance lessons? We need more than a week. It's not easy. Oh, okay. But they do have tap lessons in Hollywood for like beginners and maybe we can convince May to do it too. Wait a minute. Or we can convince me to do it too. Wait a minute.

Or we can find tap dance lessons on YouTube. We can film ourselves teaching ourselves through YouTube tutorials. I really wanna learn to tap dance. And I don't know why I've, I've said this for like 20 years. Me too kid, me too. And I'm like, why am I? Why are we not reaching our potential here?

All I wanna do in life is garden and tap dance. Whenever I see like videos of people tapping, I'm just like, that looks amazing. Oh my God. I've just always wanted to be a part of like an opening monologue. It doesn't, if the Oscars don't want us, then like, do they still have the TV land awards?

They're just waiting for us to learn how to tap dance. They want us, they want us. I'm just always pictured like a tuxedo, just tapping like our life depends on it. Okay, wait, here's a great idea. May is doing the monologue and you and I are just tap dancing our faces off while May is giving the monologue. And we're like, you know.

May's all cool and we're just like, with a top hat. And May's like, guys, can you keep it down? I have, you know, they're trying to do their monologue and we're like clickety clackety clackety click. I'm trying to introduce Angelina Jolie. Yeah. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

Oh, I think this needs to happen. We have to find a class that it's not just us and a bunch of like eight year olds. It needs to be like, it's got to be like an adult beginner. Oh my God. Okay, fine. If we have to do it with eight year olds, fine.

Just, they need to know that we're there to host the Oscars. Right. We have to, and then that should be the very beginning of, you know, there's probably a bunch of things we have to learn. We should document it. Yeah, like we're trying to prepare for the Oscars. And we show it in their Oscar rollout.

Opening, and we, but we, there's other things that we probably have to learn. And I don't know what they are, but there's things Oscar hosts do. Yeah. That, um. Those are right jokes and stuff. Yeah, and we probably need to show us

getting fitted for our gowns and things. Oh, we're gonna wear gowns? Yeah, we're gonna tap dance in gowns. Or we're gonna exact this. But they're not gonna, they're gonna be short gowns. You know, to show off our gowns. I wanted a tux. May's in the tux.

Okay, why don't you be in the gown and I'm in the tux? Because people will be like, what's that dude doing in that gown? Oh my gosh, this, I mean, if the Oscars don't tap, tap us to do this. They of course are. They're gonna have, at least they could, let's start the conversations now, Oscars. So we have a year to prep. And you think we should for sure start

with beginners lessons and not. Well, considering we've never tapped in our life, yes. Right. Okay. Okay. That's a good plan. But we should tell the instructor, hey, just, you know, we're hoping to host the Oscars. Not hoping.

We are preparing. We're preparing to host the Oscars. So we need to get this going. Oh my God, Fortune. It would be such a funny video because if we said that we are preparing to host the Oscars, they would assume we have been tapped. We've been asked. I'm like, no one has asked us.

No one has asked us, but we are no fools. So we are preparing for this and we are showing up ready. This is so exciting. It's so exciting. for this and we are showing up ready. This is so exciting. It's so exciting. I'm so pumped for this. Okay. Yeah, what's Hannah's answer? Yeah, let's hear from Hannah.

It's tap dancing. For me, it's Dungeons and Dragons because I love puzzles, board games, fantasy novels, fantasy series, all of that. So I think I would love it. I just have no idea how to break into that world. Also, I do fear it would become my entire personality and I would annoy all of my loved ones.

But anyways, I really love the pod. Thank you so much for all of the laughs. Bye. Bye. Well, thank you for dredging up our secret love of tap dancing. Yes. Well, thank you when we host the Oscars.

Yeah, for sure. Thanks to Hannah in Berlin. Berlin. Texas. Wow. Ber- And. Bernd. I also would like to learn how to play the banjo. To me, the banjo sounds really fun.

And every time Steve Martin does it, I'm like, that's so cool. Yes, I would love to play the banjo. Well, what a treat. What a treat. Endless treat. Submit your questions if you want to be a part of this, endless treat. Submit your questions if you wanna be a part of this treat. You can submit those at speakpipe.com slash handsome pod.

Give us your questions, cause boy do we have answers. Yeah, we really have answers and we are the go-to for any questions anybody might have. Also share this show, subscribe to YouTube, subscribe to the audio podcast, wherever you're getting it. Tell your friends and until next time, I mean shucks. Keep it pretty handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, May Martin, Tignotaro and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. That was a hate gum podcast. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First. Like you know how to check and make sure there's no aggressive seagulls around before flying your kite at the beach. You never know what the gulls will see as a threat.

Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate First for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. This content is intended for audiences in the US only. Save is very, terms apply. Allstate Fire & Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.