Handsome - Trace Lysette asks about dating pet peeves

Episode Date: January 7, 2025

The delightful Trace Lysette ("Transparent", "Hustlers") asks a dating-related question, plus Tig's explanation for Mae's obsession with aliens, hot tubs, Mary Lincoln Todd, and more!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.comWatch Handsome on YouTubeThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Handsome via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Cheers. Hello, it is your dear friend Tig Notaro. And your friend, the fortune fame star. It's just getting worse and we think it will be getting better over time. Being polite. Yeah, we're all too polite. I'm Mae Martin as well. And we're handsome.

Welcome to the show. Yes, we are very handsome. One of us is particularly handsome today if you're watching on YouTube. That's the only way to find out. Someone let their hair grow over the holiday break. Yes, yes. And who is it?

We don't know. We don't know. You'll never know unless you watch this. We don't know. We know. We know. Tig, how are you We don't know. We know. We know. We know. TIG, how are you doing? I'm doing all right.

I'm in, you know, I'm in Toronto. Yes. And it is snowing up a storm here. Oh, really? Mm-hmm. It's snowing. Do you have appropriate footwear? Mm, good question.

Let's see. Probably not. Uh-oh. Because we know you're accident prone. Well, I was gonna say I already beat me to it. Oh no. Yeah, I took a massive spill a couple of days ago on set. I was going up to my trailer and my slipper

slipped through the step. So my left leg went through the stairs and then I fell back the other way towards the other trailer that's across from mine. And so I have swelling and black and blue knees. I figured, you know, I'm almost wrapping up my time in Toronto. I might as well see if I can, yeah, probably see if I can get a little injury in there. Oh man, slippers are dangerous. Jack's his mom slipped down our stairs in slippers and broke her foot.

And were they part of your wardrobe tag or were they your personal slippers? No, they're just, you know, the slippers you slip on when you're not in your space boots. Oh, right. Okay, oh, I see, yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't call them slippers for nothing. Am I right? That's right.

That is definitely right. And I thought I was gonna be worse off than I was because, you know, I've had back surgery. And so when I, you know, flew back the other way, I was like, Oh no, here it comes. Are you limping or anything? I was limping. It's one of those things where it hurts so bad when it happened that I couldn't put pressure on my right leg

when I was trying to get back up into my trailer. And then after I kind of walked it off in my trailer and relaxed a bit, I was doing a lot better. But then I had the full on like I was in a car accident the day before when I woke up the following day where my thumb hurt, where I must have like tried to catch my fall, my shoulder hurt, my back. So anyway, but I'm fine. It's just, it definitely felt like something that was about to be really terrible when it was happening. Oh, everything's better now. Yeah, there's Biggie. I felt like you needed to see Biggie.

Yeah, I always need to see that little. His eyes aren't dead. Remember when you said he had dead eyes? Look how alive those eyes are. I don't remember you saying that, Tig, but it sounds like something. The eyes are alive with the sound of biggie. I was gonna say our son Linus,

but it's our cat who I call little son. Oh my gosh, that is torturous. Look how gorgeous he is. I think he is a gorgeous dog. I think he's maybe the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life. I feel like there's not a lot going on behind those. But don't even finish that sentence.

Okay, but they remind me of my son Linus's eyes. I mean, just makes him all the cuter if there's not much going on back there. It's like, oh, how dare you with that face. I don't like a cat that looks like it's plotting something, you know, plotting to kill you. I feel like a lot of cats are plotting something. Yeah.

Not Linus. No. Not Linus. He has no plan for anything except snacks and some little rubbies on his head. Aw. Yeah. Fortune, what are you up to? I've been busy.

My special came out, you know, a bit ago. Yes. Congrats again and always and forever. Thank you. If you haven't watched it, Crushing It on Netflix, it was super cool. Was in the top 10 on Netflix for a while. Yes. Nice. That's crazy. That made me really proud. I was super cool, was in the top 10 on Netflix for a while.

That's crazy. That made me really proud. And yeah, so my whole December up until the holidays was like constant press and promotion. Yeah. So. Do you find yourself saying the same sentences over and over?

Like you get self-conscious because people are asking you the same questions and you're like, I can't mix up what I'm saying. Yeah, because it's just, you know, you're just like, I don't know, I worked really hard on it, just watch it. Yeah. I know it's, I've had people call me out on saying the same thing in press.

Really? And I'm like, yeah. And I'm like, this isn't my fault. I'm being asked the same questions and that is the answer to the question. Right. That's so funny. I did hear a lot from our handsome listeners

cause I had two little handsome Easter eggs in the special. Yeah, you did. Right off the top, keeping it handsome and then pretty little lady. Pretty little lady. Are you guys invested in the Wicked Press Tour? I'm very invested. I watched the movie. Did you go see it?

No, I haven't seen it yet. But I've loved, you know, the thing that's gone viral is, I think it's Ariana Grande holding the finger and saying, I'm holding space for Alphaba or something like that. And they're really tearful. It just seems, it's been a very emotional press tour. Yeah. And the level of earnestness surrounding

the story of these witches. I know the interviewer, Tracy, who interviewed them and said, and it went viral a couple of weeks ago, like where Tracy was very earnest, like you said, and it went viral a couple of weeks ago, like where Tracy was very earnest, like you said, interviewing them saying, you know, people are really holding space for this movie. And they were like, thank you so much.

And then they kind of looked at each other, Ariana and Cynthia and like started holding hands and then Ariana started like tapping Cynthia's fingers. And then Cynthia looked emotional. And then they were like, oh my God, that's so amazing. I didn't know that. And then Tracy's like, I'm in the queer media. And then they're like, oh, oh my gosh, that's so amazing. Well, it came out afterwards.

They did an interview on that interview and basically said, Ariana's like, I didn't know what that meant. And then Cindy was like, I didn't know what that meant. And then Cynthia was like, I didn't know what it meant. And then, what? They're like, we just thought like it felt big and serious so we needed to treat it that way. We had no way.

And then Cynthia, who is queer. It felt big and serious. Cynthia was like, I didn't even know what queer media was. Am I in queer media? Cool. Oh my god, that's so funny. It was so funny just seeing them reflect on making something so big that no one really understood.

Wait, OK. That's so funny. Tell me something really banal, but as if it's big and serious. And then I'll react like it's big and serious. May, your hair, now that it's brown, has made all of us hold that in our hearts in a way that we didn't know it would and has meant something to us that I can't really put

into words, right Tig? And I just wanna, I wanna thank you so much for the bravery that it took to say that. And I wanna hold that in my heart. And I really wanna just- Absolutely. Yeah, and you want to just. Absolutely. Yeah and you Tig as well. Yeah.

Just. Yeah, let's not exclude Tig. We want it to be inclusive of everyone. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I wasn't as funny as I thought I would be, but fortune really rose in this case. Oh, was this a bit?

Yeah, this was a bit, but. Oh, because I thought we were like. Tig was having a moment. Yeah, I was like, I'm on board. I have a question. Sure. Is it Ariana or Ariana? I thought it was Ariana.

I thought it was Ariana. It's Pontes. Thomas, can you look up her name? Because Stephanie said Ariana the other day and I was like, oh, it's Ariana. And then May just said Ariana. I'm pretty sure it's Ariana. Did I say Ariana?

Yeah. The interviewer, Tracy, who's really awesome and does a really phenomenal job with interviews, you guys have probably been interviewed by her at some point. She's really embraced it too and has even done like some sponsored ads with it. I'm like, you go, that is unbelievable. Like, I just love that everyone's having fun with it. There's t-shirts, like holding space, and it's a picture of two fingers holding a finger.

It's, yeah. I love it. Is that true? Yeah. I like it when we realize we all like have the same sense of humor as a species, you know? Well, Ariana was even like, I don't even know why I started tapping your fingers.

You looked like you were about to cry. She was like, I just wanted to be there. But that movie was phenomenal. I went with my mom right before the holidays. And I loved the stage version as well. It's been a while since I'd seen it, but I just thought they just nailed the movie. It was long, but I was invested the whole time.

And literally during Defying Gravity, my jaw, I didn't realize was like open. No. For like the whole scene. Yeah. Was Jax not with you? Jax hates musicals. Of course.

Of course. So she said, go with God, please. Go with your mother and enjoy. Stephanie took Max and Finn. Did they lose their minds? Stephanie lost her mind. Max was very into it. Finn was, I guess, slow to come around to it, but

he liked it. Yeah, he liked it. That's great. But Stephanie said she wants to go see it again and wants me to go with her. I did an improv show with Stephanie the other night and one of the suggestions for the scene was like, a May Martin biopic or something. So Stephanie comes in as an actor playing me in a biopic, and just sort of eviscerates me with her impersonation of me. It was so funny.

What did Stephanie do? She started doing this crab walk, like this really jittery little like crab sideways walk, and it was like having to look at myself. I was like, oh wow, yeah, I'm a crab. I'm a crab. She's like, hell no. It was very funny.

I think she said that show was really fun. That was super fun, yeah. Are you glad to be back and doing the Largo shows again? Oh man, so glad, yeah. Largo's the best, those shows are the best. But all the questions in the question bucket are like, cause maybe people listen to this podcast Oh man, so glad. Yeah, Largo's the best. Those shows are the best. Yeah. But all the questions in the question bucket are like, because maybe people listen to this podcast and they like follow up. So there's a lot of questions about the pod being on

and then there's a lot of like, are you okay? Like, how are you? What's going on? Are you okay? Yeah, I'm all right. You know, lifting weights and crying, you know, the eush. I'm doing a lot of paintings of animals. I'm painting a lot of animals of all kinds. And I found that very healing. But otherwise, no, I'm good. You're good, aren't you? I'm watching Tom Cruise movies.

I told Tig about this on a mini episode. I'm watching a lot of like, cocktail, Days of Thunder. Oh yeah, the classics. And yesterday I went to Pomona with my friend Joe and I did two- Escape room? Yep, you got it. You got solid. I knew it.

Two horror escape rooms and one of them had a mad scientist in it, which I feel like they used to be around a lot and they're not around as much, but he had no- You mean like they're more kind of pulled together now? Now they're just billionaires. Yeah, that's true.

Now they're... No, there was this... And he was a blind murdering scientist and he would come in the room and you had to freeze and stay really still and he'd like feel around for you. And if he got you, he was going to stab you with a syringe. An actual person? Yes, he was gonna stab you with a syringe. It was so- An actual person? Yes, it was so scary.

What's happening in Pomona? A lot is happening. I love that you drive to go to these escape rooms. I took an Uber from- May doesn't drive, May takes a black SUV Uber. It has been over, our podcast is now a minute in, or what, a year, a year and change. Well, we made it past April, yeah.

We did make it past April. You said at the beginning of this pod, you were learning to drive. What's happening? Oh yeah. Well, not to make excuses, but I- Let's hear it. In order to start my lessons-

Yeah, let's see what you got. My internet went down. So I couldn't. No, I. Yeah, but it's past 10 a.m. In order to like. Come back on. Take the lessons again, I need my learner's permit,

which I have and I wrote the test and everything, but I've lost it. So I have reordered one from the DMV and it takes weeks to arrive and I'm waiting on it. And then you better believe I'm gonna be zooming around. I really want you to 25 to be the year of you driving and driving well. Yes.

Well, a psychic told me that 2025 was gonna be a year of big growth and exploration for me. And that 2026 was gonna be nesting and being happy. There you go. Guess how you explore with a car? Orgy? God dang it. How do you explore with a car? Yeah, driving, exploring.

You drive to uncharted... I mean orgies too, I guess. Car orgies. I could drive to an orgy. You have to drive to an orgy. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First. Like you know how to check

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After your purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show. Tell them we sent you. Invest in the health and longevity of your skin with Oneskin. Your future self will thank you. Wait, do people ever take buses to orgies? I bet someone has.

Like rent. You can have the whole bus unload. Unload. You couldn't go to a key party though. No, that's true. It's just your house keys. Well you could use your house key, yeah. Right.

Yeah. Who's ever invited me to an orgy? I'll invite you. Yeah. Oh, I can watch? I don't want to participate. You could sit on the sidelines. Wait, Fortune, you do not,

you don't want to participate in an orgy? No, Tig. You and Jax can definitely come and watch. This is a lights off, buddy. You always say that, but I'm not buying it. I'm telling you. Let's say we turn the lights out, then would you get like... No, I still, I can't.

You're a little interested. But Jax definitely would want to come, I think. And would she want to be a part of it or she wants to just watch? I don't know. Do you think we just watch? Do you think this podcast would survive if you and Jax and you and Stephanie came and sat in sofas and watched me have an orgy?

Like would we recover? We would have a lot to talk about on the podcast and honestly, worth it. Yeah, we would have a lot of wealth of material. It'd be like, now what was going on when that happened? I have terrible eyesight. So I would be like, what was that? Was that an elbow?

What just went up in the air? Tig, would you come watch? Would I watch what? May have an orgy? Yeah. Wait, I wanna clarify. I don't actually want either of you to come watch. Yeah, right.

Aw, now you're no fun. Yeah, right. I thought 2025 was gonna be fun. Wait, I feel like we're playing chicken because if you're like, no, I actually want to, then I'll probably be like, yeah, okay. Okay. Then I feel like you're gonna-

I'd like to go, but I can't promise I'm not gonna heckle. The whole time. Yeah, that's true. It's gonna be heckling. Oh. What would you be doing? I think I'd be sweating on a couch.

So nervous. Like I'm seeing something I shouldn't be seeing. Maybe we'll put you guys behind like a two way mirror. Mm. Yeah, and y'all don't know we're there. This feels like a big setup for an orgy that should happen unfold naturally. I got a great idea.

When Mae's having an orgy, Fortune and I are in the horse costume. Ha ha. We clomp in. And no one notices us. And Thomas is riding the horse. Oh my God. If someone. Nothing to see here. We've got everything organized except I just need to find people to have an order with now. I don't think that's going to be a problem. Yeah.

Don't you think Tig? Yeah, I think you're going to get a good round up. I don't know. Do you feel like that this is in your future? People are coupled up, you know, people. That doesn't seem to stop any of us. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I good roundup. I don't know. Do you feel like this is in your future? People are coupled up, you know, people...

That doesn't seem to stop anyone in LA. Yeah, there's couples that spin loose for that kind of thing. Everyone's just spinning loose around here. Okay, well, I'll surprise you when you show up. It'll be a surprise roster. Okay. May lives in a whole different world than us. No, I don't, this is a fictional.

It's a fictional world. But it could happen. Really, I'm doing paintings of animals. Will you let us know if it does? I'm not saying to invite us, we probably won't be invited. I'm saying to invite us. But will you at least let us know if it happens? I feel like I'm gonna invite you and then I'm gonna,

you're gonna say to other people, oh my God, I was just joking. And then I got an earnest invite to an orgy from me. It was on evite.com. Yeah. We got an evite to an orgy. And it's like, please respond. Please let us know.

We need to know how many snacks to buy. For an orgy. Gosh, 2025 is already off to a great start. Great start. I'm excited for you, Mae. Thank you. Well, I've got an album tour coming up. I'm doing like- You have an album tour and an orgy coming up?

Whoa, this is a lot. Would you take the orgy on the road? You mean like as a show? Wait a minute. Who is your dream orgy group? Oh, that's a great question. I knew it was as soon as my P brain dug it up. Yes, you both have to also answer and you can't do this.

The two people that are not even remotely interested in an orgy have to, okay. You have to answer and you can't go, well, I don't know. It might take me a while to answer this. Jen Aniston, Sandy Bullock, Charlize Theron. Ha! And takes like Carrie Russell. I used to call her Charlize Theron, but it's Theron.

Yeah. Oh, I thought it. Oh yeah. Yeah. I heard her say her own name. I was like, Oh, those three probably don't want me in it, but again, I can sit on a couch and watch they're like, Oh, Fortune. Hi.

What are you doing here? Don't mind me, you guys. We were just having a friendly orgy. I'm eating a charcuterie and just enjoying my time. Well, you know you can't say charcuterie. Without cooter. Dream orgy. Okay, I'm going a young Robert Plant.

Wow. Okay. In his tight pants. Penelope Cruz. Young Javier Bardem. That España passion. Yeah. Big spaces. Is what? Killing me.

Is what? Is what? Killing me. Is what? Scary spice in the nineties, mid nineties, scary spice. Melanie? You don't want current scary spice? Or Mel.

Or current. Um, all three witches from Hocus Pocus. Wow. Is there a cutoff with who, how many can get in? or current all three witches from Hocus Pocus. Wow. No, I'm not. Is there a cutoff with how many can get in? Yeah, this seems like a lot. Yeah, you know what, I'm gonna leave out the witches.

Remember when I was saying you have to have a big house and you're like, no, you just need a king-size bed, but that's a lot. That is a lot of people. You'd be surprised. That's sort of part of it, I think. This is gonna be a big living room. I don't know where it happens.

Okay, Hocus Pocus is there. I'm leaving them off. So I'm gonna stick with, for now, in this particular moment, Young Robert Plant, Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz, Scary Spice. But how do we get someone back in time? Like Abe Lincoln? Yeah, how do we get someone back in time? Like Abe Lincoln? Yeah. How do we get Abe?

Oh, I did just see Oh, Mary on Broadway. So funny. Was it amazing? Yeah. It's about a made up version of Abe Lincoln and Mary Lincoln Todd. So good. Cole is like unbelievable. Anyway. Is her name Mary Lincoln Todd? Wasn't that, wasn't that right?

It's not Mary Todd Lincoln? Probably. Todd, Todd Lincoln Mary. Whatever. I got orgies on the brain. Tig, I can't be accurate. I wasn't trying to correct you. I truly was, I, you know, I barely have education.

Tig, what's your... I was like, I'll marry you, but I'm keeping my, I'm really progressive in the mid 1800s here. Who's your orgy roster, Tig? I had to think about it too. I know, but you're not really a celeb person. This is tough for you. Like you're not. Oh,

so this is all celebs. Well, I've gone with celeb. What are we going to do? Be like, and my Janice. Yeah, my friend Brad. Janice in accounting. It's going to be Janice and then old Janice over there. Yeah, I definitely got to get Christopher from next on the bus. And then the barista in our neighborhood. For me, it's weird because yes, I think people are attractive. I think Carrie Russell is attractive, word is out. But do I think she's sexy? I don't know. You know, it's like I have to meet people

to find out if they're sexy. Oh, man, that's so true. Yeah, I don't find people sexy just because they're beautiful. Yes, agreed. Agreed. I probably said this, but when I went to this, like I was a plus one at some fancy gala thing, and it was like all the objectively most beautiful people in the world, but everyone was just, I don't know, no one had any vibes or good ventures. Like, everyone was so on edge.

And I'm not saying Carrie Russell doesn't have vibes or. She seems delightful, she rides her bike to work. Okay, I'm all in. I was a long distance cyclist. But you mean you can't just say based on looks because you might be really turned off. You start talking to them and they're just like. Yeah, it could be real turd.

Yeah, so I guess it's, let's see, for my orgy so far, it's me and Carrie Russell. I have met all three of mine and they seem pretty great. Yeah. Even if they don't wanna have an orgy, if and they seem pretty great. Yeah. Even if they don't wanna have an orgy, if we could just have dinner. Yeah. Or a shark food reward.

Can I get your number? Maybe we could have some fun texting or something. I don't know. Even if we just had a hot chocolate together. Could you acknowledge me if you saw me? Yep, I'll take that. Yeah, I don't know who I think is, I mean, yeah, Pitbull.

Pitbull. Pitbull. Pitbull, Kari Russell. This is the wildest. Mr. Worldwide is invited? Why not? I'm sure Kari's into Pitbull. I don't want a wiener in mine. Well, I mean, I'm just, you know, just to have him there because I have to fill

space because I have to act like I find other people attractive outside of Kerry Russell. So I'm like, sure, let's bring in people. Yeah. He's like, Dolly. And he's like, why is Tig in here? Yeah. What if he tries to take over or mansplain? You won't let him, Tig won't let him. You just gotta lay down the law. Cause I'm gonna have a mustache on, you know?

He's not gonna know what's up. He'd be really relieved, I think, to have someone take control. I think deep down he probably just doesn't wanna have to be pitbull all the time, you know? I think Jack should come to my orgy too. Who? Jack, she would like this.

Okay, I have an addition to the orgy. Okay. I used to have a full blown crush on Drew Barrymore. Okay. And she just feels like somebody, you just got to throw in the orgy. Yeah, she'd be fun. Because she's so fun. Yeah, I agree.

And she talks really close. Yeah, she's intense. She the orgy. Yeah, she'd be fun. Because she's so fun. Yeah, I agree. And she talks really close. Yeah, she's intense, she's fun. Yeah, and so it's like, sure. All right, it's me, Pitbull, Drew Barrymore. Drew Barrymore would be the one that's like, okay you guys, this is what needs to happen. Like Drew would be kind of like planning things. I feel like she'd be also good at like aftercare.

Like after the orgy she'd be checking in, how's everyone doing? Yeah. Did you guys have a good time? Yeah. So how's my orgy looking? It's looking pretty hot. Pitbull's still throwing me off.

Pitbull's throwing you off? I'm into it. I know you're into it. Why does Pitbull throw you off? He's obviously the hottest guy. It's just not what I expected from you? He's obviously the hottest guy. It's just not what I expected from you. He's obviously the hottest guy. It's my favorite.

It's not what I expected from you. I will say I have met him back in the day when I did Chelsea Lately, and he does smell really, really good. He looks like he would. Like expensive cologne. He smelled amazing. So you will have that.

You think he's gonna put on cheap cologne? I did not, no, I know for a fact he's not going to put on cheap cologne. Do you guys like when people wear perfume and cologne or do you find it like overwhelming? I love it, but. I like it. I'm not into perfume.

I'm not into perfume, I like a nice cologne. Yes, same, I like a man with cologne. I'm not terribly crazy about perfume. Okay, you both hate women. Some perfumes have that old lady musty closet smell. What are you saying about old ladies? I love old ladies. You've heard me talk about Betty White.

Why isn't she in your. She would have a corpse in there with her vodka and her hot dogs. That's all you need for an orange. Hot dogs. She had a hot dog every day and drink a vodka. Do you really believe those? Like that's really like every day she had a hot dog. She probably had one at least once, at least every week.

Every time somebody asks an old person, how did you live this long? It's like, I had whiskey and I smoked a cigar before bed and I never took a walk. Yeah. And it's like, okay, that's true. Meanwhile, I'm over here eating everything green and then I fall off my stairs into my trailer.

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That's T-I-M-E-L-I-N-E.com slash handsome 33. This offer ends on January 31st. Do we already do all of our orgy talk? Yeah, we did it. Yeah, this is definitely not how I thought we'd be starting our year, but I love it. Okay. Me too. Surprise.

I'm so excited about our questioner today. She is one of my favorite actresses. Today's question asker is an actress best known for playing Shay on Transparent, Tracy in the hit movie Hustlers, and the titular role in Monica, which is, if you haven't seen Monica, it's so beautiful. It's such an amazing performance. And she was nominated for an independent spirit award for that. She's also very funny and a talented musician, an advocate, an activist for the trans community. Trace Lisette is asking today's question.

Nice. Hey, handsome. What's a pet peeve for you on a date? Hmm. Hmm. A pet peeve on a date. Got right down to it with that question, huh? I know, no messing around, just right...

No. Yeah, Trace doesn't play, I love Trace. I love always running into each other at parties and we always laugh. Ha ha ha ha ha. Thanks for the act out. Wait, do it again. You're welcome.

This is how Trace and I laugh together. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I don't like when people order soup as a starter. Oh. Like it feels weird to be putting all this liquid in your stomach and then you just are dropping a solid into the liquid and splooshing it around. I don't know.

Wow. It used to be bigger. Wow, Mae. Like in the 90s, everyone was ordering a carrot soup to start. And then now, thank God, it's fallen out of fashion. What if it's cold outside? Then have a soup with some toast, sure, but don't have a starter. There's something about it that freaks me out.

And then I don't like when people don't ask you any questions about yourself. It's the worst. Like what would you want people to ask you? Oh God, about aliens, about childhood trauma, you know, whatever, anything. But it is amazing. You wanna get to the childhood trauma right away? Well, the childhood trauma is why there are aliens.

What do you mean? Oh my God, what you just said actually cut to the core of my whole psychology. Wait, Tig. What you just said. If you have childhood trauma. Then you're asking about Ailey. Yeah, then you probably.

Like that's why I fixate on weird existential. Oh my God, you're so, you just effortlessly. Years of therapy, I don't need anymore. You're so right, it's escapism. Oh my God. Escape rooms, you're always trying to get out. Yeah. Yeah.

Interesting. Oh fuck. Yeah, okay, so that's what I want. Childhood trauma on the first date seems like a lot to me. I mean, let's say trauma with a small S. Like I like, a guy told me that- Wait, with a small S or a small T? Oh, wait, yeah, where'd I get the S?

For small. Trauma with a small S, yeah. I said very Lincoln Tons. Oh my God. Okay, small T, trauma. We're on one today. A guy told me that he that when he was five, he traveled from Ireland to the United States

and he was living there with his family for a year and he'd never seen snow before. And he was so excited and he kind of thought he had a rapport with his bus driver and it was the first time he was getting on a yellow school bus. He'd just moved to the States. And so he found this big icicle and he thought, I'm going to give this to the bus driver.

He's my buddy. He's five years old and he's so excited. He's got this big icicle and he gets on the bus and he's like, I got this for you. And the bus driver just takes it and throws it into the garbage beside him and starts the bus. And it's like, that was a defining moment for him where his innocence died and he was excited about something and then an adult kind of crushed his spirit.

And to me, that story is a big aphrodisiac. Like on a date, yeah, I wanna know those types of stories on a date, especially if you can tell it funny. Yeah, I'm really just thinking about what you're saying because it's been a while since I've had a first kind of, I'm thinking like more first dates, you know, or early dates. Yeah.

And that's been a really long time. I like to know those little specific moments from people's lives that are really specific. I like to learn that stuff too as we go, but I think if someone were to share all of that, like first or second date, it would be a red flag for me. Right. If they went immediately into trauma.

Yeah, I would be like, this is gonna be like a trauma bonding situation. Right. Where we're gonna be feeding off each other's like neuroses and stuff, you know, where we're not like, it's not the healthiest match. Well, the main thing I wanna do is escape rooms and stuff, you know, where we're not like, it's not the healthiest match. Well, the main thing I wanna do is escape rooms and stuff. But yeah, I guess if first date,

if someone gets the drink and sits down at the table and is like, well, when I was five, I found this icicle, he'd be like, yeah. But I will tell you in my early 30s, that was way more appealing to me, those kinds of things. You know what I mean? What, trauma bonding? Mm-hmm. I just don't like small talk that much.

I just wanna get past, like, you just wanna get to the real stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I get that. I mean, it's really nice to like immediately be able to start connecting with somebody. And yeah, it's funny, a comedian friend's wife, I would say maybe right off would not be

who somebody would pair me with in a friendship. And I was always so kind of fascinated by how drawn to her I was. Like when I'd see her at parties and run into her and Stephanie was like, I know why, because she doesn't do any small talk. Like as soon as you see her, she dives right in. Yeah, I like that.

She gets into conversation. Yeah, love that. And I was like, oh, you're right. Because I was like, what is it about this woman that is like, when I see her at a party, I'm like, oh my God, I can't wait to talk to her. Yeah. And yeah, small talk is really tough for me. Same, same.

Y'all wanna dig into it right away. Yeah, yeah. But I mean, do you enjoy small talk, Fortune? I like digging in too, I just like building up to it. Yeah. I mean, do you enjoy small talk fortune? I like digging into, I just like building up to it. Okay. But I do like getting, I do like it when you get past the small talk and you've reached a point where you can be real with the person for sure.

And maybe it depends on the person. There are some people, I guess you could have like some kind of deep thing with right off the bat and be like, whoa, that was cool. But then there are other times where it's a red flag. You know what I mean? You can kind of get a vibe. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, if you don't know the person at all and it is like a first date with somebody that you really don't know, then it is nice to be like, okay, and so how's the job going? And how's the family? And what did you do this weekend? Sure.

Yeah. But after you've, I don't know, met somebody, hung out, gone out two or three times, I don't know. I feel like. Start digging in. I would want to. Yeah, I get that. Do you have other pet peeves on dates?

Even on a friendship date, like people being rude to waiters is a big one. Yeah, that would suck. Yeah. Yeah, just seeing if they're just like a mean-spirited person, that would not be appealing. Yeah, mean-spirited person that would not be appealing. Yeah, mean-spirited isn't a turn on. No.

I had one thing happen early on of the dating apps or whatever. I didn't do many of those, but I was having a hard time meeting people. So I joined one of those dating sites and I matched with somebody and we had like a couple of exchanges back and forth. I was like, oh, they seem, she seems cool, I think, you know? But especially online, you kind of like wanna let that unfold for a minute. And the day we chat,

like on the same day that we just started chatting, she invites me to come hang out with her and her family. And sends me a picture of all of them in a hot tub. No. And says, come, do you want to come hang out with my family and I? In a hot tub? Oh my God.

And I was like, I think I deleted the app right away. Oh my God. That's insane. You didn't go over in that wig, the blonde wig you were. Brenda. Yeah, Brenda. Brenda would have gone, I swear to God, to you. But it just, it scared me so bad,

I legit erased the app. Yeah, to God, to him. But it just, it scared me so bad, I legit erased the app. Yeah, red flag, red flag. It was, that was a lot for me. So things like that, I guess, is what I'm saying. It's jarring. I went out for coffee with this girl before I had met Stephanie. And it was like an afternoon coffee

and afterwards she texted me immediately after, basically loved having coffee with you. I'm like, okay, great. And then I had told her I had a show that night and she texted me, you know, good, you hope you have a good show. Okay. And I was like, okay, thanks. This is somebody like I did not know just only had a coffee with. And had you responded to these takes? Yeah, I was just like, oh, thanks. Yeah, yeah. And then that night at 11 o'clock,

Oh, no. I get a text saying sweet dreams. Oh, no. And I was like, which all of those three things are very nice to do. But to somebody you know, not after a first coffee. I don't think, I mean, maybe people are listening going, you're a terrible person. But like, even if it was, I feel like that's the second time

you hang out with somebody because you've clearly decided, oh, I'm going to go ahead and see them again. Yeah. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Oh, man. But I was like, huh?

And then that's what actually fed into what was funny when Stephanie and I ran into each other and the movie we had done was going to Sundance and we exchanged numbers. And I wasn't thinking she was into me. I just said, just so you know, I'm not like great on text, you know? Yeah. And, um, and she said, Oh, me neither. And then I told her that story. I said, Oh, I think it was like yesterday or the day before I had gone out with that girl. And I said in this and that happened. So I'm like, you know, and again,

I wasn't telling her cause I thought she was into me. I was just like, just heads up. And then that night at 11 o'clock, I got a text from Stephanie that said sweet dreams. That's so funny. That is funny. Yeah. And so I was like, well, that is a home run.

Yeah. It's so funny how that works with different people, you know? Yeah. Well, because there's a sense of humor there. This person was so earnestly like, I loved having coffee or that was nice or whatever she said. It was, I was like, oh, you know, and at first I was like, oh yeah, that was nice. Thanks. she said, it was like, oh, you know, and at first I was like, oh yeah, that was nice, thanks.

And then I'm about to go and say, have a, you know, but it sounds like I don't like to be told that. No, no, I totally understand what you meant. The three texts combined. From a stranger that I never wanted to see again. That was the other thing I should add in. Like, you know, talk about Jen Aniston. She looked like Jen Aniston. Like she was obviously a knockoff version of Jen, but I called this girl

Tecstifer Aniston. Tecstifer Aniston. Tecstifer Aniston. But yeah, when it's the right person that you enjoy back and forth with. You need a sense of humor. I recently on a dating app, someone said, tell me about yourself. And so I was like, well, I'm a massive Trump supporter. I was obviously joking. Yeah. And they were like, wow, I just need to check that you're joking about that.

I don't know. They'd already said that they'd watched my special and stuff. So I was like, oh, come on. Yeah, wow, I just need to check that you're joking about that. I don't know. They'd already said that they'd like watched my special and stuff, so I was like, oh, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give a little give a little sass, you know. But it's very awkward when the sense of humor is off. Yeah. Like, were you interested in this girl? I don't know. Like, were you thinking, oh, she's attractive? Yeah, yeah.

Well, I was open to it, yeah. But then I was like, nah, it's too, I don't know. I don't know what my pet peeve is. Is that a pet peeve, maybe, what I said? Yeah, yeah, what you said counts. It was a specific thing, yeah, that happened. But yeah, I mean, too much too soon, when you don't really know the vibe yet,

there's a turn off for sure. I'm still thinking about when Tate said that the aliens are because of the childhood trauma. Yeah. Alien show up after trauma. Did you see that my, yeah, my facial reaction to that? It was like, I really like it. I'm going to go think about it and journal about it.

I thought it was just quirky. No, no, no, you're not quirky at all, child. I told you, child. We hear what Trace has to say. Yeah. Let's do it. I've got at least 10, but here's two. One, and this is for friends too.

I just don't like when people chew and try to talk, chew their food and try to talk at the same time. I'm like bobbing and weaving, bobbing and weaving because I'm catching collateral damage. Specifically to a date though. and then weave in because I'm catching collateral damage. Specifically to a date though, well, maybe this is after the date. If you're watching a movie, oh, I guess you could be in the movie theater.

If you're watching a movie and there's a beautiful hot actress on the screen. It's a given that she's hot. I don't really need you to articulate how hot she is to me because that's a buzz kill. Like if I'm curled up in your armpit, I don't need you to go on about how beautiful Anne Hathaway is or Sonali.

I could happen with both of those actually. I know they're hot. Of course they're fucking hot. I don't want to feel, I wanna feel my fantasy. I'm feeling my joj right now. I'm in your armpit feeling like the doll. Let me feel like the doll, please. I know they're hot, they're beautiful.

Sunny, gorgeous. See, Trace makes me laugh. And so is that a buzzkill for you if somebody says that they think somebody else is hot? That kind of thing did happen to me back in the day a couple of times. Really? Where I thought I was asking someone on a date

and then they showed up with a date. That's another level of fortune. That's another level of fortune. I got this group together to go watch a outdoor movie in Pasadena. This was like way back in the day. And I thought this girl was kind of cute and we were just kind of starting to get to know each other through like some, I think it was like

one of those sports leagues I met her. And I was like, oh, a group date would be easy, you know, because we don't really know each other. And I invited her thinking I was inviting her on a date. And I guess she decided that that did sound like a great date night. So she invited a date. Oh my god.

So I provided her with this amazing first date situation. Oh my God. And so do you think she didn't know? Clearly. She must have not known. She must have not known. Yeah. Literally.

I was like, well, I'm glad you care. And I would check in like, are you guys having fun? And how well did you know her and how? Not super well. Uh-huh. And did it totally ruin your whole night or were you like, this is hilarious? I think I was like, this is hilarious

because it was so absurd that like, how can you just sit there and stew? Because I was like, of course. Of course. Yeah. It's also interesting when somebody that you're into. Shares who they're into, and then it's confusing. Oh, I mean, that happened as well.

Gender wise for me, like dating often straight women, and they're like, my type is kind of like Denzel Washington or like Gerard Butler. And I'm like, uh huh. Cool. On a date? Like you knew it was a date? Yeah. Yeah. Or like, like Trace was saying, if you're like watching a movie with someone, you're dating and you're like, yeah. But then, but I'm into it. I kind of, I see it as a fun challenge. I kind of, yeah, what I don't like is feeling like I can't say I think someone else is hot.

Like I think you gotta let that pressure gas get out. Yeah. Yeah. Stephanie made a really interesting point where I was like, oh yeah, that's right. Because I was sitting around with a group of friends and everybody was talking about who their celebrity crush was.

And then, you know, it was kind of a mixed room of, oh, we don't go into that in our relationship, or other people are like, oh yeah, we openly talk about that. And when I told Stephanie when I got home, she said, oh well, you know, this was what mainly all women sitting around, she said, if there was a straight man in the group being like, I think Pamela Anderson's hot. Stephanie was like, it takes it to a serious, like, oh. Really?

That's what she said. And I thought, oh, I can see that. I don't know. For some reason, she was like, if it's a bunch of lesbians sitting around going, Sandy Bullock and whoever. It feels not as serious. It feels safer somehow.

Yeah. And then if like a guy was sitting there and he's like, yeah, I really like Pam Anderson. I'd be into it. But yeah, I know what you mean. It suddenly seems like. It's not like a fun off in the distance thing. It's like, oh, that's who you're thinking about a lot in your downtime,

which I just thought it was really interesting. But I have had moments where when somebody tells me who they're into or who they were just dating or who they just hooked up with or something where I'm like, you're like, really? What's the thread here, the common denominator? I'm confused. I'm confused, I'm going to step back. I don't know where I fit into this equation. When someone's like, I have a crush on Robin Hood from the Disney movie, The Fox.

And you're like, OK, how do I live up to that? I just appreciated when we both knew we were on a date together. That's what fortune's looking for. That was my baseline. We're on a date, right? Yeah. That's funny. Well, this has been an absolute treat.

Good times. Absolutely, it has. I feel like I learned a lot of new things about you guys today. Ditto. Ditto. We're slowly unlocking the mysteries of each other's soul. Yeah, we are. I can't wait for these stories that are going to happen later on in the year when you drive

to some orgy. Oh, right. Well, you'll be there, so I won't need to tell you. Do you think you would maybe get a van or a station wagon and pick everyone up for the orgy? Sure. And you could do your horn sound effect as I pull up outside. Guys, also, that could be something where a lot of money can be made is like Uber orgy.

Uber orgy or an orgy bus, the orgy bus. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. bus, the orgy bus. Yeah, yeah. I love it. Anyway, well that's our episode. It was a particularly sort of- Horny and emotional episode. Yeah it was. God we really go deep.

So emotional, it was such an emotional episode. Oh my gosh. Listen, handsoms and pretty little ladies and pretty little they and pretty little ladies and handsome ladies and anybody with ears that can hear us or even not. Nashville and Austin, we are coming at you in April. Go to handsomepod.com for merch and tickets. Get your tickets.

We will be having a grand old time. I know that for sure. The live shows are so, so fun. And yeah. I can't wait. Yeah, I really can't wait. The freaking Ryman. Oh man, the freaking Ryman.

And Bass Concert Hall. I mean. Amazing theaters. Yeah. I'm gonna be at Largo January 13th. And other than that, keep streaming the Crushing It, Fortune Special. I would appreciate that, thank you.

For sure, keep crushing it. Yeah, Crushing It's on Netflix, my latest stand-up special, check that out. I'm gonna be at the Ice House in Pasadena at January 24th and 25th doing new material. The Ontario Improv in California, February 7th and 8th and Oxnard California. Just working out new stuff for my next tour, which starts in April. And all of that new tour is on sale at my website, fortunefeebster.com. Oxnard is such a beautiful name. Yeah.

And I'm dipping in and out of shows in LA and Toronto, working on new stuff. And every time I do a show, it doesn't mean I'm doing new stuff every new time I'm on stage. That's difficult. Yes. I've had people tell me that they've come to see me

in Toronto a handful of times. And I'm like, please don't do that to yourselves because when a comedian's working on new material, it doesn't mean you get a whole new hour every night. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just to clarify, but I do appreciate people coming out and repeat, folk.

Watch how it develops. Yeah. And watch how it doesn't develop. Yeah. Watch how it slowly unrolls. And make sure to subscribe and follow the podcast. Send your favorite episode to a friend, a family member, an enemy, rate, review us.

And until next time, I mean, shucks. Keep it handsome. Handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, May Martin, Tignotaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. That was a hate gun podcast. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first.

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Allstate firing casualty insurance company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Hi, I'm Caleb Herron, host of the So True podcast now on HeadGum. Every week me and my guests get into it and we get down to what's really going on. I ask them what's so true to them, how they got to where they are in life, a bunch of other questions and we also may or may not test their general trivia knowledge. Whether it's one of my sworn enemies like Brittany Broski or Drew Fualow or my actual biological mother Kelly, my guests and I are just after the truth and if we find it great and if not, no worries. So subscribe to So True on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocketcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts and watch video episodes on the So True with Caleb Heron YouTube channel. New episodes drop every Thursday. Love ya!