Handsome - Ty Burrell asks about leftovers

Episode Date: January 2, 2024

Ty Burrell kicks off a very handsome 2024 with a question that's very on theme for our post-holiday moment... it's about leftovers! Plus New Years resolutions, pasta with herbs, women falling down, and more!Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media: @handsomepodMerch: handsomepod.comEmail the show: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to another episode of Handsome. I'm Mae Martin. I'm joined, of course, by my most handsome co-hosts, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and we're handsome we are tig you're looking particularly handsome because you got a fresh computer camera yeah well not a computer camera but there is just the regular computer camera that's on my laptop but i don't have an additional camera on it but here i am fresh laptop laptop fresh laptop in the house because your last one got stolen. Yeah, yeah. And now you're all set. Yeah, you can't hold me back, you know? I'm not encouraging people to take my computer.

Yeah, don't do that. Well, you were sharing your wife's computer. Well, she was sharing it. True. And she was like, okay, now when's this laptop coming? Exactly. I would be nervous sharing my laptop with anyone because of like my internet search history. I'd be scared about that.

What's in there? Yeah, what you looking up, me? I mean, mainly facts. But also like mainly small pieces of trivia. But I don't know. I don't know. Who knows? Like late night kind of trying, but I don't know. I don't know. Who knows? Like late night kind of trying to,

I don't know, being like, is it normal to be me? Googling. And what did it say? It said no. It is normal. It's normal for you.

It's yeah. It's my norm. It's my norm. I often Google bloopers and I watch the same bloopers. I find them soothing. Like there's one Seinfeld blooper of Elaine and Mr. Costanza and I just love it. I watch it all the time.

It makes me laugh every single time. Watching people laugh makes me laugh. And you should consider filming yourself watching a blooper on different dates. Just my little sad giggle as I'm alone in my apartment. And then as you finish, then you also get the moment that you say, ah, that feels so much better. After you've soothed yourself.

Look at those joyful actors in the 90s. And then can you upload it to TikTok? Yeah. I always really liked America america's funniest home videos and i know there's like like not a terribly cool vibe to say that no that's cool i mean even if it's not it's just true i can't help it i i enjoy it you know you like seeing the like the dads that they're like and now it's time for the dad saving their kid videos. And it's all these kids where the dad gets them at the last minute. Those are nail biting.

Those are intense. A lot of pet ones, animals doing wacky things. I love when an animal does a wacky thing. I even like when an animal is just lying there not doing anything. And babies, yeah. Or a kid that's's like I don't know what I'm doing yeah kids saying inappropriate things is always good oh come to our house a video that I really like that I'm embarrassed I don't like what it's called and so I'm embarrassed when I have to type what it's called to find the video okay it's called it's in the vein of america's funny somebody's where are the ponties it's called where are your ponties uh no it's called women

falling down and i feel awful typing it in but the video is just a compilation of women falling down falling down and it's you know none of them are seriously injured but it what's so funny is every time it's so soothing every time a new video starts you know this woman's gonna fall down wow that is so specific i know like someone giving a toast at a wedding and you're like she's gonna go see i would prefer i don't like watching people fall down i i i don't like it and not because i connect and i'm like oh it's so embarrassing i'm always if i fall down and somebody sees it i'm like there is my gift to you my friend um do you fall down a lot i mean of course but um i would enjoy a compilation of wedding speeches because those can get pretty terrible.

Yeah, and also when like a drunk best man trying to be funny. All of that stuff. I would be. I gave one. I thought it was pretty good. Well, everyone thinks theirs is good. I'm not. That reminds me of.

Do you know the comedian Taylor Williamson? Uh-huh. No. Yeah, he was talking to me once about this date he went on. And he was like, I don't get it. She didn't call me back. And we had such a great date. And I said, you had such a great date.

She did not feel the same. And he laughed so hard. And he was like, oh, my God, you're right. It never crosses his mind. That's hilarious. She must have lost her phone or something. I know. What happened?

Let's send to the police. She's clearly writing about me in her diary every night. The one that got away. You guys, do you want to know something cute about diaries? Please. Yeah. Both of my sons journal every day and, and they can't spell. Oh my God. It is when I walk in and like Max journals on the go. He walks while he journals. Really? journals really a lot of thoughts yeah he'll be walking

down the sidewalk we're at the farmer's market he's journaling finn sits down at his little chair next to his bed before he goes to sleep and he sits and he journals about what he did that day oh what kind of stuff did they feel is important to record? Like, is it surprising what they are like, this is important for me to remember? It's like today I went to the Christmas tree lot. And, you know, our Christmas tree was delivered and we put ornaments on. Like, it's that kind of thing.

The big highlight of the day. And it's maybe half a page to two pages, depending on how big they're writing but it's just a real fun mystery to crack the case of what these words are you know that's great and you're allowed to read the journal it's not no big secrets no search history yeah we're not allowed to read it but i'll walk in and somebody's clearly journaling and I'll say, oh, are you journaling? And I'll kind of look over and I can take a bit of a snapshot.

Because again, it's just, it's like maybe 10 words on a page, you know. Like G-R-A-T-E, come on. G-R-A-T-E. What is that? Oh, great. Wow, you're quite the speller. You said I can't spell. G-R-A-T-E. What is that? Oh, great. Wow. You're quite the speller. You said I can't spell.

I get it now. Thank you. My comedy digs deep. In my grade three class, we had a worry jar at the front of the class and a wish jar. And so we would write down our worries and wishes. But they said that no one would read them. And it was like, you know, to put them out in the world and the energy and stuff. But clearly the teacher was reading them.

So we just thought the teacher was so in our heads and like psychic. That's pretty smart. I know. And just so everyone knows uh everyone's gonna get a part in the play this year and three kids would be like phew i was really thinking about that it's like she knows my thoughts yeah that is so great worries and wishes yeah that's a pretty good suggestion for teachers how old are you grade three so like eight yeah yeah no one ever asked me what i what my wishes or my worries were and i couldn't really use that outlet fortune what are your worries and wishes oh gosh guys thank you for asking um my worry is my dog biggie is about to have surgery because

to get his teeth clean yeah they gotta put him under and it just makes me really nervous because yeah he's just little and precious and i don't like the thought of that yeah i didn't know that they put them under to clean their teeth well sometimes you can do a like a light thing and but but to like really clean them and he he's older so he needs some extractions it's better to oh yeah yeah put them under just so they're not he's not in pain but you know anything like that weighs on me so like every day for like the last five days we were just like staring at him and cuddling so my worry is that my wish is that it goes well and he's okay you know um those videos when people come out of being sedated and then their parents are filming them after they get their wisdom teeth out or whatever and they're like where is my hat and

they're like you didn't have a hat i heard you like you have my ass yeah yeah i love those wasn't there that one that went viral with the kid that he bit his finger or something oh no oh charlie bit my finger yeah no there wasn't unless you're talking about charlie bit my finger well then of course unless you're talking about that viral video yeah wasn't that after it did his visit or no no no that was just a random thing. Oh, I remember that when he has an English accent, right? Yeah, Debbie. Yeah, his brother bites his finger and he goes, Oh, Charlie, that really hurt. As I'm telling it, I'm like, why did that go viral?

Because there weren't any other videos online yet. Yeah, there were only four. So that was the best. That one in the grape lady oh yeah that has a sad twist yeah the grape stomp lady turns out she punctured her lung she's all right now she did she did and we're all laughing at the sounds she's making i was crying she's in the background going oh oh oh oh and people are all like sending it to all their friends like this is the greatest thing ever she's like in the hospital waiting for a lung transplant one time before i went in for surgery the doctor told us that it was going to be i think 30 or 45

minutes and um they had given me the gas yeah and stephanie said that when they roll were rolling me in to the uh operating room i was so out of my mind and she said the she of course wanted everything to go well for obvious reasons but she said especially because the last if something happened the last thing she would have seen was me with this crazy face going bye i was completely out of my mind and did not look like myself and they rolled me in she was like oh god oh god fingers crossed maybe we need to do a we need to all do laughing gas and try to make a viral video we try and record the pod and we're all like hi well wouldn't that just be weed we

could all get high like a weed dinner i did that once no me smoking weed and trying to do the pod would be like guys am i being too loud am i would be paranoia how does my propeller look yeah do you smoke weed uh uh no uh fortune the what no uh everyone thinks i'm high all the time we've even had some handsome listeners comment on some of our videos to say, wow, I want whatever Fortune's on. I do not smoke much weed, nor do I do much edibles. I can probably count on my two hands how many times I've done it my whole life. Really? Yeah. I just have a personality that seems high a lot.

And my eyes are squinty. And I slur my words because I'm Southern. And I like snacks. That's pretty good if you're feeling peer pressure at a party and you can go, nah, I'm already baked. Well, yeah. I mean, but my humor and personality is such of a high person. Like I giggle at weird random things.

However, I did film this thing with Chelsea Handler, who was on the pod a couple episodes ago. And she filmed it for Netflix where we ate a five-course weed dinner. I talked about it in one of my stand-up specials. A five-course weed dinner. Five courses. What does that even mean like the weed is cooked into the butter and stuff so everything i mean when you eat weed that is so unpredictable you can people go nuts yeah my problem is i love food so i can't not eat the food and so everybody else is like having nibbles of every course but the food was made by a legit

chef so i'm eating every drop of this food getting higher than i will ever be my entire life total and i have never been funnier for like an hour. Like the funniest I've ever been. So says your high self. Yeah. This brings us back to the date story. And I was hilarious. Chelsea and I were crying. Because you were high.

I know. But they left a lot of it on the cutting room floor. But people kept asking for years, like, can we please get these bloopers? What is that on? It's on Netflix. She had like a four series documentary thing, like Chelsea does. I remember this. It was amazing.

So we were, again, yes, we were both high, so we were crying, laughing. But then after an hour, I hit a wall and could barely walk. I could barely function. I could barely process what was going on. Luckily a car drove me home and I just kind of hazily remember going through my front door, passing. I knew,

I knew enough in my head to be like, I can't do anything. So I have to just go to bed. Yeah. So I passed out and the next next i was still high the next morning and chelsea wrote like are you guys still high and we were like yeah everyone's like yes it was that was too much weed for sure sounds like it we've been talking about it on the podcast i I've been treading water lately, just a few minutes

out of my day that I take for myself to do something that's good for me. I wake up feeling better. I have more energy. And you know, small actions like that can have big benefits, like how taking care of your gut can support whole body health. Well, Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic benefits your gut, skin, and heart health in just two little capsules a day. Now, I've been using Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic, and it's great. My skin feels better. I feel better. It's just good. So trust your gut with Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic. Go to seed.com slash handsome and use code 25handsome to get 25% off your first month. That's 25% off your first month of Seeds DS01 Daily Symbiotic at seed.com slash handsome, code 25handsome. I love the show hacks and it is back

baby for season three. That's right. We are going to see what kind of antics Debra Vance is up to this season. She is such a treat to watch because who doesn't love Jean smart she is so freaking talented now season two left off with ava being fired if you haven't watched any of hacks guess what it's on max you can catch up and i highly recommend that you do so before season three starts there is also an official hacks podcast in each episode hacks creators lucia and yellow paulllo, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky speak with cast and crew members to unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. So check out that podcast, but watch Hacks streaming exclusively on Max and listen to the official Hacks podcast on Max or wherever you get your podcasts. I had a friend who was like he was a regular weed smoker.

And so but then he'd never eaten weed and didn't know, I guess, the amounts. And so he'd cooked this pasta with like tons of like too much weed in it. And we were at his house and I'm not smoking weed. And we hung out and I was sleeping over. I was visiting him. So he eats this pasta and then i go to bed and in the morning he's in the bathroom in the bathtub in all his clothes and i went what are you doing in the bathtub and he there's this long silence and he goes didn't you put me in the bathtub that's good though i love that visual of you putting someone in a bathtub and the way he said didn't you didn't

you put me in the bathtub and i'm and you did not i did not put him in the bathtub no it was an empty bathtub no water just to clarify on on my old podcast there was a like a gummy sample that was sent for uh an advertising for a company and um, and I tried it, because I had trouble going to sleep. And I thought, Oh, maybe this would be helpful. And everything was fine. And then I felt really nice. And I thought, Oh, this is the feeling that people like when they're high. Okay, I get that. Then it hit another level. And I had to go lie down on the couch. Yeah. And it was bedtime and Stephanie was getting Max and Finn in the bath. And you know, she's, I'm lying on the couch in our bedroom. And like you hear in the hallway, like people getting ready for bed and bath time and, you know,

doors shutting and people walking around very busy in the in the hallway. And Stephanie's like, can you please help me? And I said, I can't get up. And she she leans her head in the door. And she said, What are you talking about? And I said, Stephanie, you have to believe me when I tell you. I literally cannot get up. And I'm not trying to get out of helping. I cannot get up. And then when I talked to people after that, they said there's this thing called couch lock or something like that. It reminds me of that sleep paralysis thing yeah i love that you

your face and voice sounds totally lucid you're like i'm i literally cannot get up yeah i'd love to help you but i cannot yeah because your body's like you're aware but your body like you can't control it right i could not yeah i could not move it was the craziest feeling. But I've definitely tried gummies for sleep and they can help. Do you guys? I'm not opposed to it. What, Mae? Oh, I was just, there's no segue, but I was going to say, do you have any New Year's resolutions?

Was that smooth? That was so smooth that was so smooth yeah i mean it's like i gotta get to this part for sure i'm like i'm not gonna let this weed sidetrack us new year's resolution i can't remember if i told i did tell you guys that jackson i make um you know a vision board so we we're going to be doing that. That's where I'm going to really dig into my hopes and desires for

2024. Your wishes and worries of 2024? For me, health is always up there. I had lost a bunch of weight and got a lot healthier when I filmed season one of this Fobar show i was doing this big action series and then we we stopped filming and then i went off the rails

again and so the goal now is to get it back going and try to just make better choices and be a little uh more diligent about being you know going on walks and right being active stuff like that that's a big one for me and do you swim um i have i have a pool but i i don't swim regularly i guess should i yeah well take you tread water right i do haven't i told you that fortune oh maybe i don't know if we've talked about it sarah silverman told me that you you can tread water for a long time for an hour i do it at a time so does that burn a lot of calories like if i just go in the deep end and just tread i'll that will be good well i don't know how many calories i did it for my back after i had back surgery and after i broke my femur so it was easier for me to be weightless when i was exercising. And so I started doing this back in 2019. And when I'm on tour,

I bring my bathing suit everywhere I go. If I know there's a pool, I started off at 15 minutes. And I was like, Oh, that felt good. It was just an instinct I had of like, no doctor said to go do it. But it strengthened my body like crazy and my back oh man so i did 15 minutes and then after that the next time i thought well i'll just do 30 yeah and then i did that boom and then i was like i'll do 45 i did 45 and then the next time i did an hour and then after that i was like i don't need to go beyond an hour. That feels like a real exercise. What do you think about for all that time? Yeah.

Well, it becomes a little meditative, you know. I try not to always, like when I take walks or I'm treading water, I don't listen to music. I don't watch anything. I just try and get my thoughts going. That's smart. Yeah. music i don't watch anything i just try and get my thoughts going so smart yeah but you should try it because just try 15 minutes and uh it feels so good okay and um and it's it's really good for you can i do it in my hot tub yeah yes yeah no that's a good idea i that would be i should put that into the rotation yeah i like the sound of that may are you are you like an active like gym person yeah i do weights i do weights yeah no cardio no i used to but um i don't know i just can't i don't know i need to do

more i guess but like do them the the like the like we should all meet at fortunes and uh tread water put that on the list Thomas I need to if I was listening to a podcast about like shark attacks that's what would get me going treading water for I could because that would put the fear in me have I talked about my face to face with sharks on the show. What? What? No. No? This is where the treading water first started. I was on tour and my old assistant really wanted, he said on his bucket list, he wanted to swim with sharks. Oh, my God.

And we were going to Florida and my old producing partner from this festival I worked on was in Florida. And I said, oh, well, he does everything. My old producing partner, he does everything. He knows everyone, all of that. I said, oh, well, Jeff will be able to lead us in the right direction. Sure enough, Jeff's like, oh, yeah, I have friends that take people out on boats. And it's like free open swimming with bull bull sharks no no what do you mean bull sharks not you're not in a cage bull

sharks are the most aggressive shark and you can't control them you can't make them not bite you no you can't okay so okay what do you mean free, open, with the most aggressive shark? And you agreed to this? I didn't for a while. We're out on the boat. And yeah, we were out in the middle of the ocean in Florida. And the guys that we were with, they were like, all right, well, this is kind of the area. the guys that we were with they were like all right well this is kind of the area and and so we get jeff and those guys they went in the water and uh there was like a rope tied to the boat with

like a little bobber i don't trust any of the the guys are like all right this is kind of the area like these guys sound like they were awesome these guys are awesome loved them but yeah i just thought they don't know like the past 10 years nobody's been eaten by a shark or bitten by a shark so they say and so i thought well i guess i'll do it and i just jumped into the water you guys if you pull up my instagram account there is a picture that will blow your mind. I'm right next to, everyone thinks it's a great white just because bull sharks are as big and they look very similarly. And if you're not familiar with sharks, and I didn't know at the time that they were more aggressive than great white sharks. So we're swimming when i say swimming what they taught us

was you float and you keep eye contact with sharks you don't ever turn your back i won't jump into the water if there's one jellyfish well there's more than that yeah i was um i was in the water floating making eye contact with these huge bull sharks it was very unsettling but i do feel like now if i'm ever in a situation and there is a shark i will and quite possibly i don't know myself and i will still freak out and try and run on water but what he was saying is, the shark really does not want anything to do with you does not want doesn't like the taste of you. But if you keep eye contact with a shark, and you just float and you don't like make a lot of splashes and don't turn your back, they're gonna go around you. I mean, that is helpful information. There have been a lot more shark attacks lately.

Really? If you're face to face with a shark, at least try to do that rather than swim away, turn your back and then they're going to get you. Yeah, good luck staying calm. I would just cross my arms over my chest and float to the bottom and give up. Like the fear would be too much. Well, I'm glad glad i did it and i do feel like i learned a lot and and after 30 minutes i did think no need to you know push this any further and i got out at that point that's a lot of time of in the water i'm i'd be like it's time to go in and get a snack.

And not be a snack. For real. That must have been pre-kids. Nope, it was a year and a half ago. Oh, Tig. Although if you're going to lose a parent, to bull sharks is not bad as a way to... Yeah, they'd be like, yeah, that's how a mom went. She jumped in with sharks willingly well stephanie was not

i told her like i was telling her some exciting good news and she was like what why would you do that yeah what were you thinking and i was like i don't know i i was like oh you know when you think you're telling somebody something but yeah i was like well you could be so excited because you survived yeah yeah and did we talk about bear attacks oh we sure did not. Well, here's a little catchy phrase to learn how to deal with bears. Hey, bear. Exactly. Let's go to commercial. No, it's if they're brown, stand down.

If they're black, fight back. If they're white, good night. Oh, gosh. If you are face-to-face with a polar bear, you're dead. You have no chance. If it's white, good night. That means you're dead. I just got nervous like I'm somehow going to be in the presence of a polar bear.

And then a brown one is a grizzly. And so you just need to stand still try and make yourself big don't turn your back on them keep eye contact and then a black bear is like those doofusy ones that are just like trying to get some honey yeah say don't you're tempting fate by calling them doofuses they're all they're know, when you see those videos of a bear in someone's house and the woman's like, get out. And the bear's like, Oh, sorry.

I didn't know. Yeah. That's a black bear. And you can be like, get out, get out of here. I mean, they could attack,

but it's very unlikely. They don't, they really don't want anything to do with you. Tig survival facts. Oh yeah. Tig facts. My gosh with you survival facts that oh yeah tig facts my gosh i don't want to um hang out with bears but i like when they're awake but if i knew where they were hibernating and i could sneak into the cave and snuggle up with them and just

like no no no no it's very dangerous just you're saying if there's a world in which they're hibernating and they don't wake up sure yeah they're out even if it's a white bear good night white good night i don't know if i can remember that that saying brown stand down uh-huh black black white good night wait but that's so casual black fight back like what what do i do ball up my little spindly fists and like yeah i mean do it again nature is nature is really fighting back because there's been people dying from bear attacks lately well yet uh the orcas are organizing. They keep attacking boats.

It's unbelievable. Yeah, I'm sort of team orca. If they're listening, I want them to know I'm on your side. If you encounter me out in the Osh, I'm on your side. That's our target demographic, I think, is orcas. I went fly fishing in the middle of, like, bumfuck Alaska where there's no cell phone tower person for many many miles alone no we went with a guide you and Jax no this was pre-Jax and uh it was me my friend and her dad

and our guide so just four of us and you when you go through i mean we're going through the woods like we're going through the the home of every nature situation in alaska that there is and uh every animal's like just like right beside us everywhere we don't know they're there yeah i'm picturing you going through like homes like there's a bunch of moose and they're eating dinner they're like top hat hello hello good morning but you do uh yell hey bear the whole time hey bear hey where are you gonna be loud and make your presence known and our guide did have a you know because you can't be in the lasian wilderness without a gun you just can't by the way you could say hey there i mean bears aren't gonna be that particular you'd be like the bear's like no they're not they're not talking to me i

didn't want a gun to be used in any kind of situation but you have to either they're just the guy that's have guns in in these wilderness places because um there's you know these ginormous bears everywhere so we go fly fishing in the middle of the stream and and there's salmon they call them chum everywhere everywhere everywhere and so bears come to this stream like all day every day because this is a feast and we're in the middle of their feast their place where they feast and we were fly fishing for about three hours and never saw a bear i don't know how never saw a bear do you see any salmon tons of salmon and we walk back through the the the wilderness hey bear hey bear yelling yelling yelling we get back to the van van and the guy's face turns white.

And we're like, what? And he goes, I didn't have any ammo in my gun. And he goes, if anything had happened, we would have been done for, basically.

And I was like, goodbye, Alaska. the only tool in your no tip yeah we would have had nothing we were we were literally sitting ducks yes and you might as well have been salmon yeah for sure fortune luckily in hindsight it was the most gorgeous most beautiful most incredible experience i've ever had in a type of wilderness I've never been in before. Like the remoteness of it was like something I've never experienced. But yeah, we were all sitting in silence on the way back. There weren't even cell phone towers to ping.

Nothing. We would have just been. In your panties. We would have been the people in the news that you were like these four dumbasses i'm picturing the headlock alaskan woods and now they're no longer with us that would have been the story with a rifle with a cork that pops out at the end that would have been that fortune feimster found in bumfuck alaska the sad part was pre-comedy, so no one would have given a shit. Except my mom. Four local men found... In their ponties.

In their ponties. Molls in their ponties. They caught lots of salmon, though. But the bear ate that, too. So we're all staying indoors. Yeah, that kind of was the end of my like adventure that was as far as i went adventure wise part of my new year's resolution not to not to bring it back again oh yeah let's not forget about that yeah well what i'm having

second thoughts because it was to go to i really want to go to like the mountains of japan or just like the like rural japan or it's been so long since i had a trip to somewhere with a really different culture like i've been in england i went to europe a lot because it's so close or like i always have to go to canada to visit my family but i'm like i want to go to japan and i want to go to the rural mountains but there's a lot of bears there so now i'm really just y'all hey bear hey there hey bear what if they don't speak english oh that's true you should learn you should learn hey bear in japanese so that's your resolution that's a good one anything else i want to learn all the capital cities of the world because i know all the countries of the world

and i'd like to know their capital cities did i tell tell you to talk to Finn about this? No. Is Finn into capitals? Finn is so obsessed with capitals. No way. He is so obsessed with capitals. What a badass. That's my guy. Oh my gosh. He has all of the U.S. memorized and he knows some countries' capitals. If you had a, and I hope you never do, but a gun to your head or a shark to your face, could you name all the states? A bear to your gut. Can we name all the capitals? No, absolutely not.

I can name all the states in the U.S. Oh, yeah, you could? No problem. You could probably do that. Yeah, you don't have to put any sort of wild animal or weapon near me. But it's just more fun that way. So can we? That's true.

Yeah. Sure. Yeah. All right. Well, that's some good task, Mae. And then, you know, in general, like I got to cook. You know, I never cook. I want to do that.

And like sleep. I want to have a nop. A nop like sleep i want to i want to have a nop a nop i want to have a nop in your ponties and that's for your new year's resolution you want to have nops yeah i guess i want to i feel tired yeah i want to have do you really call them nops no i don't i don't know i'm just leaning into into my apparent persona that I didn't know that I talked weird. Well, no, you just have a Canadian accent because Canadians also say pasta. I was going to say, I saw me and Fortune kind of stuck on the pasta part. But that's so Canadian because when I worked in Toronto, they would always say, it's pasta day.

When did I say pasta? You said pasta this whole episode. No, I didn't say pasta. I swear to God, you said pasta. Yes, you did. I could not see if you had a shark to my face and you said, when did you say pasta in this episode? I can't remember us ever talking about pasta.

You said it twice and I was pretty proud of myself and tig for letting for holding back yeah i was sitting there looking at fortune thinking is she gonna say something because i want to but i'm just gonna let it go and then and then i couldn't control myself i'm such a turd oh my god so do you say aunt instead of aunt i say say aunt. But that is, in the US, people have both. They do do both. I say aunt. I mean, I say aunt, but a lot of people say aunt as well. That's one of those things that I say that I do think other people are saying correctly

when they say aunt. Yeah. But pasta is a Canadian thing for sure. I truly, since you guys said that, I'm still racking my brains for what context i could have said pasta in and i i cannot well you should subscribe to handsome and i'm gonna i'm going to i'm gonna scroll through and i'm gonna listen out for what were you talking about when you said pasta i don't want to know actually i don't everyone i don't ever want to listen but i clocked it just because when i hear it when I'm in Toronto,

it makes me laugh because it's just such a funny sounding way of saying pasta. Really? And you say herbs or herbs? Herbs. Herbs. Yeah, I say herbs. You say herbs or herbs? I say herbs. Herbs. Okay. Herbs with an H, yeah. Herbs in herbs? That is stupid. I say herbs.

Herbs, okay. Herbs with an H, yeah. Herbs in your pasta. Yeah, I put a lot of herbs in my pasta. I would think you were kidding. If you were at my house saying, I need to put herbs in my pasta. So when you talk about Herbie Hancock,

you're saying Herbie Hancock? No, that is her herbie i know exactly our language is very complicated and the moral is our language is so complex and beautiful before we get to our question we do have to find out what tig tig's resolution thank you fortune i'm gonna keep us on track too. Yes. Well, I have bad news. Oh no. I don't do resolutions. Oh, let me tell you what I do. Yeah. I, after we had Max and Finn, I started using their birthday as a date that was so important to me that I wanted to better myself every year on their birthday that would help me be a healthier parent

that would hopefully be in their lives longer. Wow. I'm picturing you bringing this up at their birthday party and really bumming them out. It's like their birthday and you're like, I just wanna be here a little longer yes i'm an old parent i am an old i am i'm an old parent no so i'm like no i am really yeah i'm almost 53 so it's like wild to me you know and you're you're so young at heart and you're gorgeous thank you but yeah i i their birthday to me is is more significant than the first of the year and so i have like my little goals of what i want to get to each year

and um when it comes up around their birthday i start you know thrown around ideas of what am I going to do to, because it's that thing of like, this is the phrase that I always repeat all the time of like, the best gift you can give anybody is a well lived life of your own. And one of the greatest things you can do is take care of yourself so that nobody has to take care of you. And because I'm an older parent, I don't want my kids or Stephanie having to put their life aside to sit by my hospital bed if I don't need that, you know, of course things happen. But if I can control it, I want to. And so for their birthday every year,'m like i gotta change this about myself i gotta better myself with this i gotta make myself more healthy in this way that's very

beautiful that's really cool i like that and i've been reading some books about like how to talk to kids and be around kids and care for kids and one of the things they say is to ask the kid like how could i be doing better like what as a you know yeah because i don't know i like that i don't remember being asked that but just not in a creepy formal way but just like is there anything i do that's annoying or yeah you know you should ask them what are your worries what are your wishes exactly yeah it's good i did buy two jars i did buy a worry jar and a wish jar well you should you should do it at your house though for, for real. Yeah.

Then you could kind of know. No, that's what I bought them for. I didn't just buy them for me. I just assumed you bought them for pasta. I bought two jars for pasta. I was sitting watching Pokemon with Max the other night, and I was looking at him, and I said, Max, I love you so much I and I said Max I love you

so much and he said I love you too mayor and I said that I told you they call me mayor and I said do you do you know that I love you and he said yeah and I'm meanwhile I'm ruining his favorite TV show talking and I said how do you know that I love you and he said uh because you've told me a million times. And I said, I know, but aside from that, how do you know I love you? And he said, because you show me that you love me. And I said, how do I show you? And he said, just by taking care of me.

And I was like, oh my gosh, that's so sweet. Somebody help me. Somebody help me. You had a deep family over there. I love it. We don't know how the world was made.

Oh yeah. How's his hit song coming? It's coming. It's coming. It's going to be dropping soon. I love it. Yeah. I'm still working on this cover of Max's existential anthem.

Yeah. Well, I think we should get to our question. Yes. Our question today, you know Ty Burrell for playing Phil Dunphy on Modern Family. He got two Emmy Awards for Best Supporting Actor. That's good. That's good. And he also did voices in Finding Dory,

Penguins of Madagascar, and many more. I'm pumped about this. Let's hear what he has to say. Hey all, it's Ty. I'm curious what your take is on leftovers. Do you, number one, do you hang on to leftovers? Number two,

if you do, how long do you hang on to them and still eat them? And at what point do you throw them out or compost them or whatever else one might do with garbage food? What a deep voice, Ty. I know. No wonder he does a lot of voiceovers.

By the way, Modern Family is like on every television I go to when I'm traveling all over the country. It is like, that show is in syndication everywhere. Oh my God. So when you get into your hotel room, you turn on your TV and you watch.

There's Ty. It's always, it's Law order, SVU and modern family. That's all that's on TV. Yeah, friends. I'm worried that my answer to this question is not as unbecoming because I am not good at a lot. There's a lot of many things that I should be doing in terms of like being more eco friendly. And I just,

I finished eating. I don't want to eat it the next day. You're done with it. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not, listen,

I'm not judging. I love leftovers. Really? Love them. Anyone anyone in particular all of them really it doesn't matter you're like this is this will be great the next day i love leftovers i also love i i'm not a cook but one of the things i do best is utilizing anything and everything that's in our house that there's only a few of those things and this is about to go bad and this is a leftover and i can whoop it into shape and i like that i like to think if i was in the woods in a survival situation and i i've never hunted in my life nor hey bear hey bear hey bear hello uh i would uh i like to think if i caught

like a grouse or something i don't even know what kind of animal a grouse is but if i what a grouse is two against one here it's like guinea fowl or something it's like a grouse yeah it's a bird but i like to think if i got I would use, I'd be one of those people that's like, I will use every part of the beast. I'll use the bones to make a pair of glasses. As a tool. Yeah, I'll make a candle. Bones to make

a pair of glasses. Do you wear glasses? No, but I would. If I was lost in the wilderness, I would definitely need glasses. And so there'd be no lens in there it would just be bones glasses just little bird bones stuck together with twine and I'd wear them in my hollowed out tree

so yeah I'd like to think I would do that I'm good at making a chicken soup after I roast a chicken that's good so you have bones and ligaments i'm right in the middle of you two um i i really love like a leftover situation when it's like thai food i think like like pad thai is even better the next day because it's like soaked in in the pasta in the noodles um so i don't mind that at all but there are other times where like we'll make something and i'm like please don't make me eat this again tomorrow send it over to

my house if there's no meat or dairy in there but jack's is pretty good about like she had she made chicken and potatoes that she ate for like three days. Really? I was like, do I have to also eat this? She's like, yes. I was like, hmm. Sometimes my parents will go, when I go visit, they go, help yourself to anything in the fridge. The fridge is literally bursting at the seams.

Help yourself. And then I open it and it's all leftovers, which is great. I sound so entitled. I definitely don't want other people's leftovers. Right? I'll eat those too. Really? You will? it's all um leftovers but yeah which is great oh i sound like i sound so excited i definitely don't want other people's leftovers right i'll eat those too really no problem no i don't want anybody else's leftovers no problemo but we should be super grateful for the miracle of of a refrigerator like that i mean in ancient times all give thanks. Let's do a moment of silence. Bow your heads.

Give thanks. Thank you, Lord. Because in the old days, they used to, like ancient Romans and stuff, used to go back to. They would have to travel up mountains and get ice and snow from up the mountains. Yeah. And then they would transport it down. They'd put it in like underground caves and stuff to save, you know, to save.

And think about when they wanted daiquiris. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. How many trips up a mountain for those pina coladas? Imagine the waiter and the rest being like, please don't order the daiquiri. Please. I want another one. No ice blended drinks today

can we do them straight up yeah i don't i there there are some leftovers that i really look forward to or i'm like oh i'm like one um i really love this chicken sandwich at this place called the counter in la and i always get it and i cut half of it and i eat the half and i get so excited because i save the the other half for the next day and the next day i'm like oh my god i have it part of that sandwich love you're waking up bounding up so pumped so like yes i guess but then other times we went jack's made like a kimchi fried rice last night. And I was like, I can't do this again, please. So she's a full-blown cook.

We're both trying to get better at it. We're like Mae. We got to work at making things at home more. Yeah. One really good leftover thing is like birthday cake. Like if there's some cake leftover from a party, I like that. I like that. What if cake is leftover and there was no party?

That's okay. No way. Do you know what I discovered? And I wish I didn't know that this was okay. You can freeze cake when it's fresh. You can freeze cake when it's fresh. This is like the real fatty fat fat in me. You can freeze anything. True.

When it's fresh. But sometimes it's not great later. But I've frozen cake and like a month later unfrozen it and it's so good still. And when you're taking it out of the freezer are you like happy birthday every time you're defrosting it it feels like my birthday yeah i wish i didn't i wish i didn't know that but you can't freeze cake i didn't know that and and do you defrost it by microwaving it or just putting it out it's, you do have to. It's kind of warm cake. Well, if you plan ahead, you can just sit it out on the counter.

Yeah, that too. But you might need a little bit of the microwave in it. And, you know, people have different feelings about microwaves. The point is, you probably shouldn't freeze cake. Do you really need cake a month from now? Probably not. But this is where my health journey starts in now and it

hasn't started before now i wonder if what the oldest leftovers are like if there's any historical left like um like leftover from like the last supper if someone's like we have the grape from the last supper that we probably yeah some some church will be saying that, right? Like, oh, this is Napoleon's house. Yeah, this is Napoleon's dynamite. One thing we did pick up, a nice lesson from our living in Toronto for five months, is that I did find that the trash bins in Toronto were tiny.

They're so small in comparison to the trash bins in the state. And their compost bin, they have a large compost bin and a very large recycling bin, which is bigger than the trash bin, because they're encouraging people to recycle more, to compost, so that you have less trash which we don't do that here so jack's just bought a little compost thing so that we can start getting back in the habit how we did in toronto of composting the food are you gonna start a worm farm no but i met a guy that has a worm farm in Australia and it was fascinating.

Worms are fascinating. He has like millions of worms. Wow. And they're actually pretty, um, they're, uh, worth a lot. What?

Worms. Yeah. Like, well, at least in Australia, he can sell them for a lot. I don't know. Are they worth a lot or are they warm a lot?

Oh boy. But I, I had to interrupt to do that. Well, Are they worth a lot or are they worm a lot? Oh, boy. I had to interrupt to do that. Well, he lost a bunch of the worms because they had a big rain mudslide thing and all the worms. They all slid away? They all slid away. They were like, ah! And he said he had like a, I don't know, freight thing full of worms that he had built over time. So he had to start from scratch.

I feel like if you wrote this character, if you wrote the worm guy as a character in a script, people would be like, this is too ridiculous. No, he lives out in the... He was my tour person in Australia. Very cool guy. All my worms slid away. whims i lost my whims down they were worth a lot those worms that's a good accent yeah this is a big uh advertisement for

voiceover work yes can you hook us up ty He lived out in the middle of nowhere, Australia, which, you know, talk about wilderness. They have a lot of stuff. And he sent a picture of, is it the huntsman spider? Is that? Yep. It was. As big as your hand. Like that big.

For those of you listening, my hands are very far apart. Are they poisonous? No. He wasn't even sweating it. He goes, yeah, it just stays there in our doorway i go australia is wild though because like you're you're walking around sydney or whatever and it feels like a sort of familiar culture to you but then there's these huge like fruit bats everywhere and there's possums and like the the wildlife is so tropical. It's crazy. So Tega, this last Thanksgiving,

you were pretty pumped about those leftovers too? Well, yeah, but we had the most hilarious Thanksgiving. It was so quick. We normally sit at the table forever, but this was just the four of us this time. And we made the food, set the table, yeah but this was just the four of us this time and we made the food set the table ate the food finished cleared the table and i mentioned to stephanie i said we that was so fast we were laughing so hard there was no like because there were no other adults there it was just us with max and finn and we were going around

the table saying what we were thankful for and that was kind of the only little extra beat that was there otherwise we all just ate our food cleared the table did the dishes and then played chess or yeah 14 minutes in and out i think so cook for like four hours. But I do. If I open a fridge and there's and I see leftovers, I'm like, oh, yeah, this is my thing. This is my thing. I love grazing on leftovers. That's great. Thank you. I just want to circle back really quickly that you said playing chess.

Are you implying that Max and Finn play chess? Because Lord help me. Oh, my God. Thomas is at my house right now. And what did they just ask you? If you would play... They were wanting to play chess. That was like their first question.

Thomas, you look like a guy that plays chess. Well, Thomas used to teach chess to kids. You did? What? Yeah. You've never played them. No, I would love to play them Thomas is a mystery

there are a lot of things about him we don't know that we're gonna learn as we go through this handsome journey together we're gonna learn them in tiny little droplets

in like in like 10 second clips may I have played chess I'm not good though but I I do enjoy it yeah

I play poker I love poker oh really yeah I don't know how to play chess i don't know how to play poker i played chess as a kid i don't know how to play poker but i'm interested i like the social aspect of people to get together and play poker those poker games last for like six hours don't they that might be a bit much yeah yeah i play with my with my family and it gets really brutal it's like going to play golf it's like you gotta really commit some time to this i know and after you've made the poker i barely knew her

if after you made that joke definitely have to make that joke then you got nothing left to give and you still got five hours to go yeah what if what if your day was you're going to golf and then play poker at night? It's like, jeez. That's a long day of accomplishing honestly nothing. Absolutely nothing. Should we listen to Ty's answer? Let's do it. So my answer is that I hang on to leftovers for far too long.

My family is truly disturbed by what I'm willing to eat. There's nothing really altruistic in it, for me anyway. I think I just have some sort of like a waste OCD maybe. Same. But I've learned retroactively that I guess it's good for the environment, but that sadly is not my motivation. I think my motivation is that I'm just, I'm broken. Not broken. You just like to eat the food.

I think it's a nice impulse, but it does strike me as a very dad energy to be like, no, it's still good. Those dinosaur chicken fingers aren't gonna just go to waste now are they i used to work at a grocery store and i really i think at that point is when i really learned about the sell by and use by dates and like when there's mold on certain things it's just really where the mold is that's what is rotten really the rest of it's not yeah like when there's mold on cheese you just cut the mold off the rest is completely fine but i maybe that's where it started for me where i'm i'm all about the leftovers and utilizing

everything and if people are like well all we have is this thing and that thing. And then some of this, I'm like, get out of my way. Yeah. You're very resourceful. I will say this though, with leftovers, what does freak me out is occasionally you'll hear one of these crazy stories about someone left food out like on a counter for like eight hours or overnight or something. And there's like a bacteria that can grow on it and they've got some kind of then i don't care i know but i'll eat it too no but it can like

it can like eat like a eat your flesh eating bacteria yeah so you do have to make sure you store them properly if you're gonna eat them also if you don't store them properly hey bear yeah yeah it goes yeah it goes and what is the deal with like i mean obviously i don't eat dairy but um people that order pizza they'll just put that on the counter and not refrigerate it that that's crazy you can't i mean one time i had a party at my friend's grandma's house. Of course you did. At your friend's grandma's house? Grandma's problem area. At grandma's problem area. We were 14.

And the grandma, I don't know where she was. She was out of town, but we partied at her house. And we were drinking and getting stoned. And then we left and we forgot to clean up the pizza boxes. And when this grandma came back to her house, this grandma found maggots all over actually let's not talk about it it's so gross mold and maggots fill me with horror like there's like a primal or horror yeah if it sits for a couple days that will happen but i don't yeah i don't know

any pizza box we definitely put in the fridge heavens Heavens to Betsy! Oh no, Grandma! Grandma! Where are these maggots from? I don't remember. You forgot. No, I didn't order pizza with maggots. Wait, what did you call me? Oh, maggot.

Did I hear maggots? Because I lost my worms. Give them to me. I'll put them in my worm farm. Did I hear maggots? Because I lost my worms. Give them to me. I'll put them in my worm farm. Did I slip my mind that I ordered maggot pizza? Grandma, if you call me a maggot one more time, I swear to God. I'm sorry, dear heart. Dear heart.

My grandma never talked like that. No, mine neither. And mine didn't either at all you know may's grandma didn't talk like that because she was like smoking a cig and getting people work and the biz oh dear heart do you want to be in a oh you've got what it takes i would say in this podcast i've probably learned more like tips than i have in most of our podcasts tips and tick tips mayfax tick tips that's right tick right. Tick Tips. Tick Tips. We all got so excited about that.

Tick Tips or, do you like Tick Tips or Tidge Tips? Well, one of my, not one of my, my very first story I ever told in stand-up was called Pig Tit. It was called Pig Tit? Yes, because years ago, I had to call this guy that I didn't know. He managed a band.

My friend was in a band this guy managed. And my friend was like, yeah, call our manager to get on the guest list for the show. So I called the guy and I'm like, hey, my name's Tig, blah, blah, blah, getting in the show. My friend, and he goes, all right, well, I don't feel real comfortable calling you this, but I guess I'll see you tonight, pig. And I said, well, I don't feel real comfortable with you calling me pig either. I said, my name is actually Tig.

And he said, tit? No, no, he said, said yeah that's what I said Pig and I said no it's Tig With a T and he said Tit? And then I And that's where I go yeah it's Pig Tit I'll see you tonight That was my

That was my first It's not a joke it's actually that really Happened. That's a really happened that's a good one you're like you have to see tonight yeah you know never mind yeah it's pig tit yeah well listen thank you for listening thanks for the question ty we've got merch at handsome pod.com we also want to get feedback from you guys what merch would you like to see what phrases are fun for you what would you like to see on a shirt or a hat or whatever i have to confess something i've never gone to handsomepod.com really i'm there all the

i'm there all the time yeah no just hanging out oh stop it listen pig tit it's the place to go i i just i just went and looked at it it looks nice yeah it's great yeah and yeah if you like the show like and subscribe and tell your pals and uh do you have anything coming up fortune you know what may i sure do um i am going to be in eugene oregon on Friday. And then coming up after that, Burlington, Vermont, D.C., Red Bank, New Jersey, going out to the U.K., to London, going to Amsterdam. Then I got Denver, Colorado, and Philly. People can go to fortunefuture.com for tickets. So many great cities.

Yeah. If anyone cares, I'm going to be in College Park, Maryland on January 26. And then just across the board, look for me in Los Angeles at Largo or Dynasty Typewriter. I am going to be zigzagging between those two places a ton these next few months working out brand new material. I love that. I'm at Largo January 16th with some very special guests. So come check that out. Sweet. And as always, keep it handsome. Terrible.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod.

What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast!