Hate Watch with Devan Costa - Both Uncle Bens

Episode Date: January 22, 2024

Joey had to pick his brother up from the airport but fortunately we were joined by the great Ryan Donahue as we discuss the Miami aliens and realize the local Fox 2 Detroit News covering it is run by blackface psychopaths https://www.patreon.com/HateWatchPodcast Support the show and get 50% off of Factor at https://www.factormeals.com/HATEWATCH50 and use code HATEWATCH50

It's good to be in something from the ground floor. I came too late for that. I know. But lately I'm getting the feeling that I came in at the end. The best is over. Many Americans, I think, feel that way. Let's move on! No, wait, I mean... No, but I wasn't gonna shit on it!

You can start it whenever, right? You can start it whenever. Yeah, I can cut whenever. Thank you. Alright, we're starting. Who cares? It's already started. No, I don't want... I mean on it. You can start it whenever, right? You can start it whenever. I can cut whenever. Thank you. We're starting. Who cares? It's already started. No, I don't want... I mean, yeah. No names, no names.

So anyway, but though, there's this new late night show. No, stop it. All right. No, there's... Look, I just have a critique of the show, and that's just what I said. I'm just like, you can't be funnier than the internet is. It's so unruly and insane that it's just going to be inherently funnier. Yeah, there's nothing that can match.

Okay, there's a lot of comics that I know, we all know, nobody personal or anything, but forever I've known them, they still believe in the old way. Yeah. Like, there's going to be a guy in the back of the room, and he's going to Like, they're gonna, they're gonna, there's gonna be a guy in the back of the room and he's gonna go, you got it, kid. And that guy was always

fucking teenagers, by the way. exactly. I mean, that was arguments I got into back in the day with, like, comic friends of ours

where I was like, what do you want for your career? And they're like, to be a headliner. And I'm like, do you think they're gonna come to, like, Echoes Under Sunset

and be like, kid, you got what it takes. Right. Exactly. You're doing the funny bone this weekend. And after that, you're doing the comedy connection. And then I was just like, are you delusional?

There's no talent scouts for NBC sitting in the back of the room watching seven different trans schizophrenic people go up at an open mic. And then you pop out of nowhere and you kill it. And then they offer you the like, the late night gig. Yeah. It doesn't happen. Already Patreon off rip. That's pretty crazy, huh? What's wrong with that?

No, I just thought names being said. No, I'm not going to cut the names. Oh, okay, great. Speaking of which. Yeah, there's no, even though it's recording, I still have, there's a pound. Do you care that that's on? Oh, yeah, which one is that?

All four are on. No, I'm saying there's five. Oh, there's a fifth one. Yeah. I got a second. So let's start it after we do this. Figure this out. Which one of these?

Also, there's like a giant helicopter. The helicopter. I think it's fine if it's on, actually. No, it's actually fine if it's on. It's fine, yeah. We're good. Totally. We're killing it.

Welcome to Hey Watch Podcast, everybody. I'm Devin Costa. Here with Ryan Donahue from New York City. Ryan, hey, how's the weather out there? I don't know. I'm not there. Do you like New York more than... That's been the Hey, Watch Podcast, everybody.

Thanks for tuning in. You can follow Ryan at Ryan Donahuman on Instagram. Absolutely. No, but truly, there's so many comedians that they believe in this weird, antiquated realm. By the way, what is going on? It's like we're in Apocalypse Now. Are they chasing Richard Ramirez right now?

There's a helicopter apparently right next to us. That's the CBS helicopter, and they're just going to fucking shoot him. There's a sniper on board. Isn't it annoying that none of the LAPD choppers ever go down, but Kobe did? This is crazy. Life is so retarded.

The only talented guy ever to be in a helicopter dies, and meanwhile there's all these people that they land the helicopter, they shoot a black teen, and they live for like 80 years. Yo, we were just talking. What was that dude's name? The Hawaiian guy from the store? Willie Simon. Willie Simons? Yeah, Willie Simon.

Oh, yeah, I like him. He's very funny. No, he's so funny, but he was just talking about how, like, every time Oprah or Jeff Bezos goes to Hawaii, like, families just have to stay inside and, like, not go outside because they need to clear the airways and the roads for them to drive to their states. It sounds like Oprah, like Oprah changed the infrastructure of the highways so that her house is helicopter accessible.

You also have to be afraid to go outside because you'll be hit with a dart and you'll wake up tied up in a big chamber and they will have their way with you. And there will be a lot of weird rituals done on you like true detectives. We were saying that the other night. I'm like, I think Oprah gets away with the fact

that she's not a billionaire. Yeah. Oprah's the yellow king. She's doing evil shit for sure. I'm like, I think Oprah gets away with the fact that she's not a billionaire. Yeah. Oprah's the Yellow King. She's doing evil shit for sure. It's Carcosa shit. Yeah. That's why Jeff Bezos wants to go to the moon to escape the allegations someday. They're gonna live on Mars because you can't go to prison on Mars. And Marsians are gonna be like,

holy shit, that's Jeff Bezos. Hide. Hide. Yeah. We gotta conquer somebody else. It's been a long time and we haven't subjugated anybody. We haven't done anything to another race of people in a while.

The new one is gonna be like aliens. That's why we're so excited. That's why we keep releasing info. They're coming. There's footage of them because we need to put people in chains again. That's how humanity humanity works new native americans for sure that's what i said yeah you're right that's exactly what you were getting at no no no no you read my fucking mind no that thing i've heard about aliens though it's like if they come down they're capable of getting here they're raping us like we're fucked yeah we don't know that everyone always has that idea

because they're like spaceships are all cool and shit. You can't even see them escape. It just went so quickly. But what if they just suck and they have empathy and they're just kind of gay and weak? We'll just start shooting them. It'll be crazy. We will always

inflict violence on any unknown. You're just describing District 9. Is that District 9 nine i've never seen district there's a very good no it's quite good yeah one of the leading like theories about the aliens and shit that's there is a lot of people who think that actually because like so the the the ideas they're really interested in our military technology and like all of our technology is based off of combustion right so like burning trees and shit so there's a theory out there that says what if they didn't have that where they're from so they kind of jumped into like a gravity route and they

put all their technology tokens is something that they have no concept of combustion or like killing people i love you connor right now i'm yeah i'm just yeah yeah you know what i'm saying though like they may not know how machine guns work or that may not even exist on their planet they're coming over here because they got six spaceships and i got fuck they have missiles what the fuck are All our ideas about them are all like from movies where they have like special guns that like blow you up

at a, you know, really quick or whatever. I understand that. We don't know if that's a thing. All we've seen of them is that they have like fast flying cars.

That may be all they have. Yeah, I just find it hard to believe that there's a society out there that is capable of building that technology while also not simultaneously building just

death ray after death ray. But never underestimate the bloodthirst of a human. Yeah. But we don't even know. I think we are more bloodthirsty and I think they might have empathy. They might come down here and be like, we just want to finger paint and go to concerts with you guys

and we're just going to start blowing their heads off. I honestly think this is a more naive take than thinking that it would be hostile. I'm of the mind that they merely watch us like daytime television. And they're like, these people are fucking stupid. Well, if they wanted to kill us all, they would have done it by now, if that was the truth.

It's that they were way more technological. Yeah, because apparently they've been around since the fucking 40s. They've been around since like fucking... No, 1940s. There's like medieval accounts of space battles. Didn't like Truman, didn't like fucking like Roosevelt and all the world leaders like before World War II

like be like, hey, let's lose aliens. The first one David Brush talked about was 1933. 1933. Apparently Mussolini had a UFO. I'm fucking serious, dude. It's crazy. Mussolini had a UFO? Wait, what do you mean he had one?

Okay. It was made by Enzo Ferrari. Lamborghini? No, Ferrari. Dumbass. That's not a UFO at all. That's a fast car. Apparently, there was a UFO that crashed in northern Italy.

The Italian intelligence, they have all these documents, and then David Grush went on. Then these documents have been circulating for like 30 years. David Koresh? Yeah, what are you saying? David Grush, the guy. Oh, Grush. UFO guy.

Fuck, he got around, dude. No, they apparently, like, and they have all these documents, but they were never, nobody ever, you know, affirmed them or whatever. And then David Grush came out and said, well, basically in 1933, a UFO crash in Northern Italy. Italian intelligence got a hold of it. They said... Italian intelligence.

Italian intelligence. I know, though. They're, like, coming up with new forms of pasta. They're measuring meatballs. The biggest one yet. This thing is huge. They all thought they were not... The Italians thought it was the Nazis, what they got.

They got, like like an experimental Nazi aircraft and then apparently Pope got involved at some point. Of course he did. And then the Nazis were like, this isn't ours

and they just put it in a warehouse. There's kids in that thing. But they said they put it in a warehouse and then the OSS recovered it when we conquered Italy

in World War II. And that's like the first one David Grush is like willing to talk about. The only one he was allowed

to talk about. So was Hitler kind of using them as a smokescreen? He's like, well, there's aliens. Who cares what I'm doing? I can get in. I can get so fucking esoteric about like the weird. Dude, like honestly, dude, like the Nazis were so much crazier than we fucking understand. And like there was a point.

They were aliens. No, dude, there was a point late like 1944, like late in the war, where they were putting so much money. I think it was Goebbels thought that stars in the sky were tears into the fabric of the universe. And they built a radar array in Norway to fire laser beams into the sky to see if they'll bounce back onto Earth. And they were investing a shit ton of money in this while Omaha Beach was being stormed. And apparently infuriated Hitler. He was like, why are you

guys trying to bounce laser? We have a mission here. It's crazy. The Nazis were fucking nuts. That's hilarious. He's like, stop trying to find space Jews. There's human Jews. There's plenty of Jews to go around. What are you guys doing? Let's put our eggs in one basket here.

We have a lot to focus on down here. Then we'll take over the Jews on the moon. They had chambers. Moon Jews. They have tunnels. Allied soldiers would find chambers. Those aren't craters at all. Those aren't craters.

It's a Hasidic tunnel. They're pulling outaters at all. Those aren't craters. It's an acidic tunnel. They're pulling out shit-stained mattresses from the moon. Allied soldiers would come into these, like, castles, right, where they would have big chambers with, like, a single marble, like, stone in the middle. And, like, the Allied soldiers

would be like, what the fuck are you guys doing in here? And, like, top-ranking SS officers would be like, yeah, we'd all sit in a circle and put our heads together and try to see the future like they're just the craziest it was very fucking it's hilarious that apparently if what you're saying is true that nazis like thought about like a futuristic you know uh space creatures and at the same time they were still using horses near they were trying to yeah II. They were trying to open up the hell. Hellboy is kind of true. They were like weirdos.

Hellboy is kind of true. It's kind of true. No, seriously. John Knopf, Hellboy is kind of true. They literally were like... Ron Perlman's playing Himmler. Imagine a major power on Earth that their sole goal was to try to at

foundationally was trying to wipe out jews no no trying to remove abrahamic religion jews are the first step eventually they're going to go to christians they're trying to remove abrahamic religion from the surface from from earth and and through that they're trying and the volkish movement all these things they're trying to like summon demons and like see the future and and like they thought like space was fake they were like crazy people fucking the reichs the guy that guy like landed in scotland was wearing like a wizard robe when he surrendered he was like the reichs marshal of germany he was just insane i'm going so fucking hot no i love it i can do this all day i'm actually just like enthralled it's actually very interesting i could do this all day. I could do this all day. I'm actually just like enthralled by you. It's actually very interesting.

I could do this all fucking day. They, they, um, uh, rat, rat, God, uh, they had, they were, then the other thing is, is part of the, at the upper echelon of Nazi society, they kind of believed in like, so the Holocaust is a slight like blood ritual. It was a mild blood ritual. It was a mild blood ritual. Yes, it was a mild blood ritual. It's a tiny little blood ritual. A blemish. It was a blemish. Listen, I don't like Nazis.

I'm just fascinated by this shit. I think you do, actually. You do, and you have Nazi roots. Literally, your family was Nazis. So they're evil. They're intrinsically evil people. But I read an entire book. Thank you for saying that.

They're evil people. I read an entire book on Nazi occultism, and it was written by a guy who hated Nazis. It was very funny. What was his name? John Knopf? Yes. So to be an SS. He was written by Jeff Tedrick.

To be in the SS, you had to like touch. So during the brown shirt riots in Berlin when they burnt down the Reichstag and shit, a bunch of brown shirt Nazis were killed holding a swastika flag, and their blood got on the flag. And in order to be in the SS, you had to swear an oath upon that bloody flag. So it was a blood ritual to begin with. And there were a lot of people who were thinking like, yeah, they were killing a lot of these people in these slave camps as a kind of esoteric alternative to abrahamic belief like blood ritual and like the völkisch movement up until like the 1920s which is at one point hitler was like we're removing christianity all that shit we're going back to like worshiping trees and like what is the völkisch move like the völkisch move is like brian redman and tony

hinchcliffe's club in austin Volk is like people, right? Volkswagen. So it's like, and folks. It comes from folks. So it's like, we're no longer believing the religion of the Jew and the Christian

and Jesus and all this shit. We're like going back to like, we're thinking fairies are real and shit. And like, Irish? Yeah, shit like that. No, I'm dead serious.

These people were insane. It was, and they not only were insane, they were a major world power And nobody really understands Nazi Germany I never thought of them as insane No no no

You just expose yourself With every sentence No no no I think it was Dave Chappelle who said Crazy is dismissive John doing damage control for the third rank I think it was Dave Chappelle who said, crazy is dismissive. John doing damage control for the third rank. It's fucking wild.

Beyond all the Saving Private Ryan fucking bullshit you see on TV, it's just like baseline bullshit. No, no, if you get to the nitty gritty. Yeah, they were the heroes. Bullshit. No, no, no, it's not bullshit, but if you get to the nitty gritty. Yeah, they were the heroes. Bullshit. No, no, no. It's not bullshit. But if you get to like the nitty gritty of the war and like the beliefs of the people, of the upper echelon of the people we were fighting in World War II, it's very fucking weird.

Yeah, it makes sense that there would be a bigger goal than the one we saw. It was a bizarre goal. Hitler said Jews were just easy targets. The next step were Christians and like eventually, I mean, they were just easy targets. The next step were Christians, and eventually they were taken from Africa. Wait, what? Just easy just because they were— Because they were a homogenistic group within Europe that kept to themselves, that were just easily targeted and killed. Right.

So that's the first step. And then the next step—a lot of—the major political party before Nazism was Christian Democrats within Germany. So a lot of Germans are Christian, right? You're in Europe. It's a fucking big Christian population. And they were, eventually would have been any Muslims, Christians, and Jews. They would have eliminated them. I think, like, Hitler said he wanted to replace every cross with a swastika at some point.

Like, they were trying to completely flip humanity on its ass. And it's very bizarre and weird this i'm gonna be like ancient aliens mindset right now but it kind of makes sense that they adopted the peace sign yeah to be like projecting that to space yeah as the ultimate trap yeah i mean like we come in peace there's the international sign of peace yeah yeah and it's like and then you kill some moon jews Oh, dude, they were like fucking... I mean, we all know the money's up there. Money's on the moon.

Why do you think it's yellow? It's where that make is. It's all the gold. World War II was more Hellboy, more like Indiana Jones. They were doing weird... I'd love to see you

explain this to a person who lost their entire family in the Holocaust. I would do it in the Holocaust. It's more like a Hellboy situation. I always take it personally. They were after aliens.

There's a guy who winds up his heart and his blood's made of sand. He killed your grandparents. But he only killed your parents because they were an easy target. You understand this, right? They all hung out in groups and they didn't really fight back.

It's true. They had kind hearts and they would just do what they were told. Yeah, they're all dead. So what do you think about... Sorry, go ahead. I'm sorry. Keep going. What do you think about these Miami aliens, John? Have you seen any of this footage? Baby aliens?

Well, no, Miami aliens. People think they spotted aliens in Miami because there was like hundreds of cop cars called to some sort of viewing of something. I really, I just think they, I think the Bang Bros figured out a flying bang bug. I do think baby alien. I'm like, that might be some.

Baby alien's an alien. That's something. Why is he pleasing all these women so well and he's retarded looking and they all love him every video i see they love their actors they're paid whores no but they really like him i've seen paid whores be like over it i don't know you ever seen a bang bus episode when the guy when the guy gets in and they go he sucks his dick stinks like kick him the fuck out yeah but the aliens on the off chance that someone like me doesn't know what the fuck you're talking, but the alien's got it. On the off chance that someone like me

doesn't know what the fuck you're talking about, what is the... Baby alien is this tiny little Indian man. Is he Indian? I think so. It might be one of those. I think it's one of those. All right, cool.

I think you might have thought that Guzzies just kind of looks... Imagine Hitler watching a baby alien video. Bro, that's not crazy. He's like a little brown guy. He's a little brown guy. I think he's like Pakistani. Pakistani maybe. Yeah, I'm sorry. Okay, yeah, not crazy. He's like a little brown guy. He's a little brown guy. I think he's like Pakistani. Pakistani maybe.

Yeah, I'm sorry. Okay. Yeah, whatever. It's the big sick. It's the big sick. It's the big dick. And no, he's like a little Pakistani. He's a little brown guy who is like Verne Troyer-esque.

Yes. He's a dwarf. He's not weirdly. He looks normal. He's got a, but he looks normal, but he's not really a dwarf. He's just a tiny guy. I thought dwarves were the opposite of midgets. Midgets have big heads and pony-keg chests.

No, that's a dwarf. Dwarf has a big head. Wee Man is a dwarf. Vern Troyer is a midget. What's the one who looks normal, but they're just small? This is Baby Alien, right? Children. They take him on this sex bus, and he fucks porn stars

and apparently he's been killing it. Apparently. He looks, yeah, I mean. Show him that picture, dude. What? The one where he's fucking a chick. That one?

This is where he's going to town. You know, so he's an odd looking man. But he's also like four feet tall. He kind of looks like a human camel. He has like a reserve of cum in his forehead. He could be like Dominican. For context of how tall he is, he's standing up in a van.

He's fully standing up. He's fully standing in a van, yeah. I love Baby Alien. We've done a whole episode on Baby Alien. Yeah, he's awesome. He's my hero. I think he kicks ass. Were you saying something about him?

No, I'm saying that I think that is like... He's an alien. Yeah. It might be. He was recovered at Roswell. What if aliens are just humans with Down syndrome that learned how to fly because they had a special skill? Because all people with Down syndrome

have one special skill, right? I used to know a guy that he could rewind. That's autism. That's not autism. Down syndrome people have like 70 IQs. Well, I knew an autistic kid once that could like reverse a VHS and he could pause it on any scene. Yeah, that's autism.

That's a savant. That kicks ass. How they're good at like, you know, piano or whatever. It's like a weird thing that they're specifically good at. Yeah, you can like draw the Brooklyn skyline. Like the card counting. Yeah, exactly. Rayman and whatnot.

Okay, so look at these aliens. They think they were spotted in Miami. It also makes sense, though. Like, if aliens were to land, I would imagine Miami's where they first come. Because it just feels like no one's really paying attention. The whole place is made of cocaine. Yeah. Yeah.

Everyone's too busy partying or banging. They could easily just do whatever they wanted. No one would even know. A lot of tasteless affluence. Like, people wearing designer that doesn't match. Like, it's completely insane. This is controlled opposition. People in Miami would see an alien and go, oh, he's a fashion victim.

He's wearing, like, last year's outfit. There you go. He's tacky. That sucks. He just sucks. No, they would land in either Miami, Hollywood and Highland, or Times Square. Hollywood and Highland? Interesting.

That's what I think. Yeah. That's the equivalent of Miami. I mean, it's smaller, but you know, that's the same gaudy over the top shit.

Sure, sure. All right, let's see if we see anything in this footage. Don't love the music. That's fake. Well, they're, okay, do you guys remember that 10-foot creature

that they think they saw in Vegas? I don't know what I'm looking at. I skipped ahead. That's fake. But there's like a figure here. That? There's just people running It's like a shooter This is insane

So what city Should have the most Retarded people on earth You think none of those None of those cops Would fucking Talk Blabbermouth

Yeah exactly Miami and Las Vegas Has the most retards on earth Miami police Debunk rumors About an alien Potentially It's pretty important Miami police debunked rumors about an alien. Potentially. Miami police clearing up some conspiracy

theories. Turns out it was Gianna Michaels. Dude, I wish. They had never seen an ass or tits that big. In Miami, perhaps you saw this. A video posted online claiming it was due to an alien sighting in that area.

So what really happened? Look at that police presence. That's for a fight? That is a crazy amount of police. Police say a group of 50 teenagers. I like how even the news ladies are like, you're telling me that's for a fight, huh? They're all just like conspiracy theorist psychos too. After setting off fireworks.

Also just the idea that the cops would be called on an alien. That would instantly just be like some government section we don't even know about coming in. They'd come in and handle it later, but the cops would initially, they'd be the first responders. But like if there's 50 rioting. Not that presence, that's

too many cops. Well, think about it though. If there's 50 kids that are rioting, there's two cops per one of those vehicles. It looks kind of normal. There'd be that many vehicles though. There's 50 kids that are rioting. There's two cops per one of those vehicles. It looks kind of normal. There'd be that many vehicles there. I'm saying for an alien sighting. Oh, for an alien sighting, it'd be like one cop.

That's literally what I'm saying. Yeah. What if the aliens land and they just loot a CVS? Their whole goal is to steal like Preparation 8 or something. Yeah, and Chris Kyle saves the world. They have Chris Kyle's clone.

Ken, in air quotes in the video, it was really just a tall person walking. It was not. Who said that? It was Bam Adebayo. Case closed. Where did that come from? According to police reports. Police did not say the alien was just a tall person.

Well, I said the tall part. You know, this news lady was, like, killed by the FBI after that. Yeah. Why do you keep pretending there's an alien, you bitch? Jesus Christ. How dare you? We're trying to cover this up here. For Christ's sake, it's a moon Jew! A moon Jew.

Just a person. Just a person walking. A nine-foot person. I love this.. A nine-foot person. I love this. Dude, whoever this lady is, he's a fucking... Wait, Fox 2? Fox 2 Miami. The local news. This lady will not stop.

Can you think of an easier job than Fox 2? You definitely don't have to read a goddamn word of English. My God. I want to go to Miami. I've never been to Miami. It sucks ass. I fucking hate Miami. want to go to Miami. I've never been to Miami. It sucks ass. I fucking hate Miami. We'll go to Miami.

Really? I really hate Miami. Really? I've done a show there and it was not fun. Yeah. Everyone's just so focused on being cool. And hot. And they're not.

It's also like, it's the most expensive place I've ever been in my entire life. It's really expensive? Yeah. And it offers all the things. It's shit. It also offers all the things. Gour been in my entire life. It's really expensive? Yeah. And it offers all the things. It's shit. It also offers all the things. Gourmet hot dogs. Oh, really?

It offers all the things that you can do in Mexico, but it's like four times more expensive. Yeah. But you go to Miami and be like, we'll get a boat. We'll drink on the beach. It's just super expensive. And it's just fucking insane. And we got like a pitcher of mojitos and like some hummus one time. And it was like literally like 120 dollars jesus and i was

like oh i can't afford to have fun here this sucks yeah okay so it's it's it's like beach vegas yeah it is beach vegas that's pretty good it stinks interesting i don't know it always looks charming just go to mexico stuff to me yeah i was i was imagine when i'm in my if i was in beat if i were to wind up in miami any black guy i see i'd'd go, listen, man, I know you're gay. You can just let it out. I saw the movie. I know you're getting handjobs. That was our running bit.

I know a Dominican's giving you a handjob on the beach. That was our bit when we saw Moonlight together. We were leaving the theater, and we'd see just a dude dealing drugs in the corner, and we'd go, that poor closeted homosexual. Yeah, just be free, my man. Why do you think DJ Khaled takes so many boat rides? He's always getting lost.

Yeah, he's lost. No, he's lost in some man's ass. Another one. Another one. Do, do, do, do, do. Remind me of other stories. That's a lot of cops for just some fight. I gotta tell you.

Yeah. This is something fishy. It's funny that the news doesn't even have the story. No, they don't even know. They are doing what we're doing right now. No, they literally keep going like, Let's just send it off to Christina and her big fake tits. She's so radicalized and a Trump fan,

so I don't know, she thinks aliens are real. She'll do something. She'll say something wild tonight. And they cut to her and she's like, it's an alien. It's confirmed. Aliens were in the backyard and they got that cell phone video. That is weird. What is that white object?

The claim from the Vegas story was that these 10 foot creatures. 8, 9 or 10 foot like humanlike creature. NBA basketball players. And they got into some SUV. You ever seen an NBA player in real life? Yeah, they're amazing.

That is a jarring experience. That's not a human. Dude, my heart goes out to anybody who is that tall that didn't have game. It's got to be such an isolating experience to be like, dude, you fucking have all the things, but

not the ability to jump. It's always really sad when you see a super tall guy. Because you know all the small talk is exactly the fucking thing. His whole life, people go, what's the weather up there? And you're like, I'll kill you. Also, people go, did you play basketball? And you're

just like, no. I'm like, I have no physical ability. Yeah. But everyone goes, no, sad. So you're just like a freak. Yeah. There's no reason. You've never got a rebound? I mean, it must be a brutal life to be a tall guy that never did anything.

Yeah, well, because also most guys who are that tall, they are most likely uncoordinated too. Yeah. Because it's an insane center of gravity situation. All NBA players are like anomalies. Where it's like, you're that tall and can stand and run. Most people are like, they're baby giraffes and that tall. They're just like, I don't even know how to operate my own body.

And things are not made for them. Like getting on the bus or whatever. You have to ask for the bus to be customized. Like to be poor and tall like that? You take in public transit and you're just fucking huge? You live in like a really small apartment. Oh, it's horrible.

God. That being said, I keep having this thought and it might be a joke that's not allowed to be said but they're doing the news. They're looking at this footage and one of the people just goes, turns out that's not allowed to be said, but they're doing the news. They're looking at this footage, and one of the people just goes, turns out it's not an alien.

It's Dwayne Wade's trans son. Is that okay? That's great. I'm saying they're saying it. That's great. They're saying it. You didn't say it. They said it.

They said it. I wrote it for them. What the hell. They said it. They said it. I wrote it for them. What the hell? They said it. What the hell? I hope my SNL audition goes all right next week. Let's see. They're about to get in a big, like, this guy hates.

He goes, you too. Jesus Christ. He hates them. Wow, that face is wild. Look at that face. Okay, let the hens quack. You got to take the top off. Jesus, he face is wild. Look at that face. Okay, let the hens quack. You got to take the top off. Jesus, he's holding it.

Or maybe it was like an extended G-Wagon or something. Okay, so what do you guys think happened here? A couple things. With this alien situation, it is interesting that they are all tall. So we need to start considering that now in terms of our knowledge of aliens and when they come. So... You're only 5'6

in your earthly body. What the fuck is this? Dude, Fox 2 Miami has so much tension. It's amazing. Is also she wearing a star of David? No. I just can't believe... No, she just is a star. This is crazy.

The fact that this is like actual daytime news. Dude, what the fuck? This is every middle-aged woman's day. That's what's beautiful about it. I'd watch the news. Local news? Dude, if you go to local news in any major city, there's some weird passive-aggressive tension

going on all the time. This lady hates the white bitch next to her. The white man hates both of them because he goes, women are subhuman and I should have the whole show. You saw his face. Yeah, no, it was exploding. His head was literally exploding. He hates them. He cannot stand them.

He's like an incel on the news. And this woman thinks she can't stand listening to them. His head was literally exploding. He hates them. He cannot stand them. He's like an incel on the news. Uh-huh. And this woman thinks she can't wait to steal fucking Malika Andrews' job and become the new black chick on ESPN or something. You know there's something going on here. A question about ladies at DaFonti. But it is interesting now that the news that does come out about aliens... Look at that.

Literally sips tea. Literally. This bitch literally does Literally sips tea. Literally. This bitch literally does the sips tea thing. Now that the news that does come out about aliens, just in case we thought they were little tiny green men, these are some tall bad boys. So we might want to think about what our approach would be. She's like actively horny for them. It's very strange.

It's Miami. They're all so horny. They can't wait to find a new hole to fuck. I just need a tall bad boy. I need a tall bad boy. Thank God my tall bad boy came down to the earth.

You're telling me 7'5 being arrested by the cops? I think I found my new husband. And look at him just look at them. He's like I'm 6 feet and I'd fill you up, my sweet princess. If something was to happen, sir, I yield to you. Now, am I supposed to give my opinion based on Ryan or Bonnie the person? Here we go.

Or through a filtered lens? Well, we're going to take your journalist hat off. God, you suck ass. You suck ass. You suck ass too. They're podcasting. This is crazy. This is absolutely insane. This is like flagrant too. It literally is.

Give us the Ryan Armani version of what you think went down in Miami. Ladies and gentlemen, we are being tested. As a people. That is what I think. Wow, what a take. We are being tested. The government.

Yeah, this is controlled. Testing us to see how we would react as a people to such an encounter. Are you allowed to even say this? I'm fucking blown away by this. I can't believe what I'm watching right now. This feels like a sketch. I'm kind of like, wait, let's let him cook.

We are being tested. Did you guys know Woody Harrelson's father murdered John F. Kennedy? I feel like he's just going to start saying all the things. Did you know Sam Paddock's father was wanted by the FBI for most of his life? He goes, have we ever thought about Steven Paddock for one second? How weird that is. I mean, it would take about seven to eight guys to fire off that many rounds in that amount of time. He goes, you know, I've been up to that hotel room.

You can't open that window. Anyway, Sean with the weather, like the Bill Hicks thing. Let me say this. So you're saying there was an alien or it was an imposter alien? I think it's an imposter. He goes, I'm saying you're the alien, you ugly smug bitch. He's all sassy. He's all sassy.

Your shoes, tacky. Your dress, tacky. I believe it's a real alien. Okay. I don't believe that it's a real alien at all. What even is a real alien, though? Buddy. Buddy boy.

Planted this alien and wanted to- I didn't say that. I didn't say nothing about that. I didn't say that, but I think there's potentially- I mean, the lady in the middle is just like, I just hope he's got a Jimmy on him. Like, she's really horny. She's incredibly horny for the aliens. For some reason about an alien.

This is just me speaking here. Oh, it sure is. Believe me. What should be based on the social media accounts, it was not just one. It was, I guess, a group of very tall beings. Well, social media is typically right. TikTok specifically. I mean, TikTok, There's all the facts.

My brother was in Miami at the time and is agreeing. This is off the rails. This is the best news show on earth. I'm going to watch Miami Fox 2 all the time. Yeah, the producer's like tied up in a closet being like... Keep getting wrapped up.

I know. Because they don't want us to tell you the truth. They're saying we have to go. All right, fine. Go ahead. Damn. No, I don't know what's going on over here. They're all like insane conspiracy theories.

Who knows? Yeah. The police know. The truth is out there. What I do know is Bush knocked down the towers. And let's talk more about Les Wexner, the man that gave Epstein all of his money. Does anybody ever look into Les Wexner?

You're just tuning in to see the fucking weather. The guy's just going off about Jeffrey Epstein's finances and how mysterious that all is. You telling me he'd kill himself? Bullshit. This is really the most insane daytime news I've ever seen. I want to watch more of Fox News. What are you going to say when there is proof? Because Bashar, who is an alien channel on...

This guy's name is... Oh, no, no. She's talking about another guy. ...PikTok, is saying that there will be major alien contact 2024, early 2025. Here we go. What happened at the moment? So they're predicting the alien contact like it's the weather. Like, yeah, no, early 2024, 2025, they're going to take over,

probably start a McDonald's and then work it out. And if you're in Fort Lauderdale area, it's a 20% chance of alien invasion. The funny thing is it's just Floridians. Yeah. People in Florida are so fucked up and weird and mangled and odd and just like insane and on drugs. I don't know how consistently true that is and I can't really make sense of why Florida is that. It's because there's no seasons, right? It's like never cold really.

Well, I grew up in New England and everyone talked about Florida like it was the goal. Like in Rhode Island, everyone was like, when I retire, I remember Christmases where my stepmom would literally say, I should be in Florida right now. And I'm like, for what? Like this is the goal for you, you fucking psycho? Well, I mean, Florida's actually like bizarrely big, right? Like there's a lot of different locations, and so they got the old people place where it's just nothingness,

and you just eat at the buffet until you die. Shuttleboard. What is that? Shuttleboard. You don't know what... It doesn't matter. Shuffleboard? Shuffleboard, you mean?

Oh, yeah, I said it wrong. Sorry. Shuttleboard. I was like, what is that? They all get on, like, an airplane shuttle or something? Whoopsie. I don't know what things are. Well, it's also...

I mean, like, okay, now here's another Fox 2 segment about the aliens. These are the same people, but this is their thing called The Noon. And so this guy looks like he might be one of the aliens. God knows. Who knows what's happening here? This is Fox 2. Miami. And she's back, baby.

Oh, baby. She's fucking back. God bless this queen. They're like, you're the only reason people watch this goddamn show. Yeah. Get in there. You are gorgeous. Get in there, baby. Oh, baby. She's fucking back. God bless this queen. They're like, you're the only reason people watch this goddamn show. Yeah. Get in there. You are gorgeous. Get in there, Pam.

They're like, no, no, you don't understand. We watch this on mute, so just do whatever you want. They're taking over. It's a whole new year, though. They're 10 feet tall, and they are looming largely, Thomas. This is the first time we're sitting together this year, and we're already talking about aliens. What is the background? Like, sitting together this year? Yes. And we're already talking about aliens? What is the background? Like, the producer's making weird noises.

This is the most unhinged, like, local news I've ever seen in my life. We are. Do you know why? Why? Miami police are clearing up. They're like a complete conspiracy show, dude. I didn't even know this was allowed. This is allowed?

I can't believe this shit. Oh, my God. I want this to be the biggest news show in the country. Miami police are clearing it up. We all know they're... She might as well look into the camera and go, We all know they're fucking liars. We live in the most corrupt city in America

The InfoWars logo Is just gonna fly off the screen right now You'll see They're clearing up this conspiracy theory That's what they're calling it Hell yeah, Queen Wow, she's really on board for this They're clearing up a conspiracy theory

About a recent invasion Fuck yeah, Queen He hears me though So this happened on New Year's Day Pause it real quick about a recent invasion. Fuck yeah, Corina. He hears me, though. Mm-hmm. So this happened on New Year's Day. Pause it real quick. Why are his hands so white and his face is so black? That's the worst fuck is going on here.

What the fuck? Is he in blackface? That guy's in blackface, dude. What is going on? I didn't even look at that. He's an alien. That's really wild. He's an alien.

What the fuck is happening? He's got, like, Sammy Sosa hands. That's fucking insane. Oh, my God, yeah. Yeah, oh, wow. He's an alien. What the fuck is happening? He's got like Sammy Sosa hands. That's fucking insane. Oh my God, yeah. Yeah, oh wow. Holy shit. Wow. Dude, he looks like the mask.

It's fucking insane. This is insane. This is the best show I've ever seen in my entire life. Watch too, Miami, baby. He has my hands and fucking Magic Johnson's head. It's fucking nuts. He looks like Jimmy Kimmel doing Caramel and Blackface. And they go, and here to commentate

is Jimmy Fallon playing Chris Rock. I just came straight from the Sarah Silverman program. It's time to do Fox 2 Miami. He goes, it's interesting you said that. We were actually shooting Lethal Weapon 5 on the It's Always Sunny set. So it's an honor to be here. Apparently those fucking woke cucks are deleting the episode.

And back to both Uncle Ben's at the same time. Both Uncle Ben's. Both Uncle Ben's caught on video. Now look at this. This was supposed to be for a fight in a mall. Look at all of these police officers that showed up. This video posted online. Eventually it came out. Maybe it was due to an alien sighting.

That's what people in the mall were saying, claiming it was due to an alien sighting in the area. But what really happened? Look at all these police cars. That's a lot of police. Look at all these police cars. The whole city was shut down. If it were a fight in the mall, you could understand that, too. Well, later on, police said it was a group of about 50 teenagers that started what they called a riot in the mall, setting fireworks and looting.

The alien in this video was, they said, just a really tall person walking. They said it wasn't. She's so declarative, it's fucking insane. She's so confident. The alien, they said, was a guy with a black face and white hands. Who has a job here? He goes, oh, that's so funny. You're blowing my cover.

I can't believe this freak, dude. What is wrong with him? What happened? Does he bleach his arms? That's insane. I don't know. I'd feel really bad if he had like vitiligo or whatever it is. Yeah, but I have vitiligo and it would be more spotted, I would think.

Yeah, I think so too. You kind of look like a Dalmatian. Yeah. You look like Kyle Kuzma's girlfriend if you have vitiligo. Sure. You know who I'm talking about, right? I don't forget her name. The Victoria's Secret model.

The 102nd Dalmatian. Yeah. about right yeah i don't forget her name the victoria's secret 102nd dalmatian yeah i saw this online and i and i saw the video and i couldn't tell there's a white guy behind that chair controlling his arms it's like a fucking eric andre set's just like, yeah, I saw an alien. Oh, now I'm eating a burger. Now I'm driving a car. It's like Bruce Almighty.

Oh, shit. And she is like, this woman thinks she's about to like, she's going to be the biggest newscaster of all time. She thinks she's cracking it all open. Like, I'm cracking the code. Like, just through sheer confidence. I'm telling everyone how it is. She's cracking it all open. I'm cracking the code just through sheer confidence. I'm telling everyone how it is. There's no journalistic integrity happening with her whatsoever.

No, this is fucking insane. I mean, it's the Miami News. What does journalistic integrity mean to them? I mean, it's unbelievable. They're probably all riddled with syphilis and all sorts of horrific sexually transmitted diseases. They're getting AIDS tests. I was thinking, that's weird.

Yeah. And she goes, you know what I think's weird? Why you have white hands and a black face. What the fuck is up with you, Lionel? Now, where were you this night, actually? Yeah. If there were 50 teens looting and setting off fireworks in the mall, where's the video of that?

Where's the video of that? Hell yeah, queen. Let's go. Video online. If I'm wrong, at me. I'll stand up. Hell yeah. At me.

There is not one video. Dude, I didn't know Miami News was very reality TV based. It is very. They're very much like, get at me, bitch. No, this is Bad Girls Club. It's fucking nuts. If it doesn't, the news guys. Catch me outside, man.

If it doesn't rain tomorrow, catch me outside. They're so aggressive and in your face. Yeah. It's wild. This is sure Bad Girls Club. She's like, there is an alien. I'm ripping that bitch's weave out. Off the web. Like'm ripping that bitch's weave out. Fuck that bitch.

50 teenagers. Every time they get wild in Chicago, you see it on the news. Every time they get wild in San Francisco or San Diego or wherever. One of those sand cities in California. They're smashing and grabbing everything. I don't think San Diego. I don't hear about teens doing smash and grabs in San Diego. A bunch of guys named Skyler.

This is basically a dub predator sketch that you were talking about. My dub predator sketch. Let's do a smash and grab for some fucking flip flops tonight, dude. We're going to fucking steal some fish tacos. And then we're going to break into Volcom. Tonight, Wahoo's fish tacos goes to the fucking ground, dude. Dude, tonight, Billabong, more like Billagon. It's over for them.

You can see there's video all over the place. Where is the video of people setting off fireworks in the mall? And it's a mall. They have mall surveillance video. Where is the video? Oh, my God in the mall? And it's a mall. They have mall surveillance video. Where is the video? Oh, my God. Just show me one. Just one.

Just show me one video, but they can't do it. Wait, you mean to tell me this black man with white hands is willing to go along with whatever the fuck she says? It's a black man with white hands. Dude, the guy is an alien. That's an alien. Oh, my God. Look at his big alien head and his white hair. I can't believe it.

That's insane. What is going on? We might have uncovered the best show of all time. Does anyone know about this? No, I don't think they do. This is absolutely. It's like almost wonder. Yeah.

You wonder what, what this man, where he's from. Also, why was he brought in? What's his, what's his whole thing? He has added nothing. He's just letting. Yeah, he's not an expert. He's not an expert on anything. He's just, and then she's just going off.

She's taking over. She's the show. I mean, she's clearly the show. She's the show. Oh, yeah. I feel like this is like directed by Quentin Tarantino. Yeah, this is nuts. She does kind of look like Jackie Brown.

Yeah, this is Jackie Brown 2. It's Jackie Brown 2. Yeah. Fox 2. Jackie Brown 2. Yeah. Fox 2. Jackie Brown 2, Miami. To Jackie 2 Brown. Yeah. Jackie Foxy Brown 2.

Happen. What did happen? 10-foot beings. People say, people in the mall. Now, here is what's interesting. There are a lot of people who are on tick tock he goes oh here we go and he stands up behind her he snaps her neck all the chaos after maybe they're saying i didn't see the aliens i was on a different side i was in

h m maybe the aliens were forever 21. i don't know what they were shopping for. And she's got jokes. She goes, and I got jokes. I'm kind of slowly falling in love with her. I fully get why she has a job. She's so attractive. Of all the people running in the mall. Because you know her boyfriend goes like, all right, relax though today at work. Like I saw it yesterday. He's like an orthodontist.

He has her on while he puts rubber bands on a kid. Just ruin someone's mouth. Yeah, he's ruining it. Oh, shit! And he's like, God, she's going off. She's going off about fucking, you know, the tunnel Jews on Fox 2 Miami.

He's like, Laquisha, please. She's like a black Israelite. What'd you say to him? Laquisha. He's a doctor, yeah. Laquisha, please. She's like a black Israelite. What'd you say, John? Laquisha. She's a taxer, yeah. Laquisha? Why is her name- She looks like Laquisha.

I bet her name is Diane, you son of a bitch. She looks more like a- That's where I draw the fucking line. Yeah, that's absurd. She looks like a- Gone. All the Nazi stuff, I think, is correct, but that one is just not a line. It's the one black woman.

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That sucks. You suck. That sucks ass, dude. You suck so bad, dude. It's the fact he's That sucks ass, dude. You suck so bad, dude. It's the fact he's talking about Nazis, dude. That was like a scene from like Bringing Down the House. It would be incredible if she was like, Anyway, I've been Laquisha at the news.

We're like, John, can we put a crowd on his head? It is Miami. It is Miami. It is Miami. Hava, make it a hava, make it a hava. It is Miami. It is Miami. Hava. Maggie the Hava. Maggie the Hava. Oh, fuck. We were trying to get out because, you know, once you see people running, you're supposed

to run too. Their videos are gone. Oh, my God, dude. What? They're playing sound effects. That run was fucking nuts, dude. They're playing sound effects. The Scooby-Doo run.

Run it back. That was insane. Everybody on TikTok wasDoo run. Run it back. That was insane. Everybody on TikTok who was in the mall is saying I was taking video. I didn't. A little bit further. Everybody on TikTok who was in the mall is running. You're supposed to run, too. Their videos are gone.

Everybody on TikTok who was in the mall is saying I was taking video. Dude, is the producer of this show the WB frog? They're gone. Dude, he's the producer of this show? The WB Frog? Oh my God. And now back to Samuel L. Andrew Jackson. Samuel L. Andrew Jackson. Samuel L. Andrew Jackson. That might be the name of the app. That's great.

Oh, my God. God bless Fox Local News. They're on a 30-second delay, right? So some guy in that 30 seconds, when she said, Ron, the guy was like, bring up the Scooby-Doo soundtrack. Yeah. Let's get it going. That's unbelievable.

That's insane. Wow. Yo, I didn't know what was happening. The videos are not on my phone. So what are you saying? I'm saying, what if they were remotely white, allegedly. Now listen. By the aliens?

I don't want to say too much. Oh, dude, she's going crazy. Oh, we're past that. Because I don't want to show up missing, as they say. Right. I think all the blood just left his hands because he has insane adrenaline right now. Oh, my God. I feel like she's about to go from this

to just some personal thing about her boyfriend. Like, and listen, and I saw the text messages, Craig. You've been cheating on me, Craig. Wait, wait, he might be wearing gloves. Look at his wrist. Look, it's black again. He's not. Look at that.

What on earth? He's not wearing gloves. No, but what the fuck is up with his wrist? He's an alien, man. You can see his face. No, do you see what I'm... No, I what the fuck is up with his wrist? He's an alien, man. You can see his face. No, do you see what I'm... No, I do. Oh, it's his shirt.

It's his shirt. Okay. Yeah, he's wearing a brown undershirt. Wait, no, it's a gray... He's wearing a white shirt. What the fuck is that? You know what? God knows.

We have to look into this man. What is his name? He might have had like a hand transplant. I don't fucking... I'm so confused. A hand transplant? A hand transplant. Okay, Fox 2.

I'm looking up Fox 2 anchors we're figuring this out this is so fucking bizarre zoom in again cause you can see his fingernails I just see I see no reason why like yeah no that's

the nail that's his hand no it's those are like Nosferatu's hands oh my god that's so crazy we've uncovered

the weirdest thing of all time. But those don't look like gloves because he's got fingernails and shit and like you can see the bones of his knuckles and veins. What? And why does she not ever, is there episodes where she, like is there a

segment where she goes, what the fuck is with your hand? She starts calling him a bugs bunny Should we skip to the end just to see No no just play it all the way through This is a beauty Sometimes God blesses you Or are you going to say oh she's

I'm going to go around the corner two doors down I'm just going to But I will try and send it The room direction for it Wait by the way It's 35 degrees in Miami sometimes? It gets that cold? I could see.

Yeah, maybe. It's on the coast. When aliens hit ground. Right, right. He has vitiligo. Or a frostbite. No, he has it. He has it, dude.

He does. He covers it up. That's so specific. Yeah. I don't like to hear that. Yeah, I like... Edit that out, actually. Now you kind of ruined the whole thing.

But the video... He's painting his face in this. Yeah, he's covering up our face. He's painting his face black. Yeah, bro. Yeah, oh my God. He's literally painting his face black. This is like black like me.

This is like that book I was forced to read in school. Yeah, you're doing blackface. He's literally a black guy doing blackface. That's fucking insane. He's a black guy doing blackface. That's fucking insane. He's a black guy doing blackface. Oh my god. This is Brother Ali. But also, why not just take it to the fucking hands then? I know. You can't go the

full mile? You can't make your hands black? What are you doing? You can do black hands. You can do blackface. He slowly is realizing the perks of being white. And so he's like, I do want people to see these white hands. He goes, I've heard if you get vitiligo hard enough,

you can rape children. So, uh, when I hand my ID to the cops, they think differently. If they don't look right at me, they go, Oh yeah,

of course. There has been a part of me like having vitiligo. I'm like, if this like turned white people black, the way it turns black people white, it would complicate my situation immensely. What do you mean? If white people got vitiligo and we turned black?

Yeah, because I'm just getting whiter. But if I just was quasi-black. People would think you're insane doing it on purpose. Yeah, or something. It would be some level of an insane move in any respect. I have no idea. That is interesting to do the reverse. Or it could go wet.

Like, all of a sudden, you could start saying the N-word on stage, and punchlines have more oomph to them and shit, and you just take off, and everyone just thinks you're black. Yeah, I'm just Gary Owen. Yeah. Yeah, Gary Owen's like, I fucking wish that was the case. Yeah, Cal Williams is like, young brother, that was one of the greatest sets I've ever seen. I would love to bring you on tour.

Damn, that's good. That's a good cat. My guy's got a good cat. He goes, I can tell you're on a 4-2, just like me. And you read 4,000 books before noon. If it was an alien walking down the street, where's the video of that? It's you.

We're all on to you. What's his name? Lee, I think. Last name Lee, that's all I got. Just Lee. Okay. It's Robert E. Lee. He kept living. Really? Yeah, quite literally. This is the best thing we've ever maybe it's Robert Ely he kept living really yeah quite literally that's I'm just

this is the best thing we've ever maybe like seen we watched a lot of crazy videos we had no expectation I was just watching some random

Miami video for the alien shit turns out the newscasters are the ones they're the reason the cops showed up unbelievable this is beautiful I'm really loving her she's great The newscasters are the ones, they're the reason the cops showed up.

Unbelievable. This is beautiful. I'm really loving her. She's great. God bless her. The videos are no longer on their phones. Say it is an alien. You know right after this, she flew straight to the NBA All-Star Game.

She was popping holes in condoms. A hundred percent. She was just poking holes in condoms all over town and just trying to fucking bang Joel Embiid and just be like, I'm out of this Fox 2 Miami news bullshit. I just want some fucking money. I want an alien of my own. Somebody give me an alien baby

and I want child support. She seems... I love her. She's insane. She's for sure the ratings. She seems... I love her. Yeah. She's insane. She's for sure the ratings. She's being way too like... Like on... At your job. Right next to your weird, freaky...

It is... I think you're allowed to say that because I have vitiligo. Yeah, yeah. No, we have like... I have a black friend in the studio. You are black. Yes, I'm black. It is crazy that he does, like, do that makeup.

Thank you for bringing it up. Well, no, that I'm black. Well, it's crazy he does the makeup because, I mean, he wouldn't be as far in his career if he didn't do that, which is fucked up. But it's crazy that they keep making him do it. Oh, no, right. That's nuts. You know, if he was, like, every night doing the news looking like a sheepdog, people would just be like, this is not easy. Do you remember when the Joker painted himself

to look like he didn't have scars and shit? Yeah. My favorite scene in The Dark Knight is when he takes his mask off in front of Harvey Dent, and then Harvey Dent goes, oh, now you're the Joker. It's like, the dude has a white face with red coming out of the mask. Anyway, fuck Christopher Nolan. Oppenheimer was overrated you people are retards for two or three maybe more John

alien show But I don't know why they were at the mall. Now, this one, there is one more conspiracy. The producer's wheezing. Is this show run by DJ Vlad? It's Brian Redman behind the booth. Dude, when people used to bomb in open mic scenarios, I would sit in the back of the room, and I would just go.

There would be dead silence, and I would just go. Dude, and they would get a laugh, but that's exactly what that fucking laugh is. It's like this is fucking trolling or someone who is completely insane. I mean, we're guilty of the same exact thing. Oh, yeah. Millions of times. We used to fake laugh all the time.

Dude, it's the best. Because that wheezing laugh, the idea that someone told a lame joke, and then there's just someone who is fucking losing their mind laughing is my favorite thing. I used to be a real prick sometimes. Sometimes I would just be so fed up, and I'd be in the back room, and I'd go, ha, ha, ha, ha! Like, it ends.

When the laugh ends immediately. that's a comic laugh in my mind like dude when and not ironically or being mean like that's them trying to be supportive like they're so vapid a lot of times like ha ha ha and it's like yeah what the fuck are we even talking about I mean nothing really matches me and Ben Avery at our

mic that was brutal the cricket drop for that guy that one time. Oh, my God. I told you this story, right? Where there was this open mic-er who was telling a story about his dad who had just died. And he was bombing so hard. And me and Ben were fucking hammer drunk. 5 p.m. mic.

We go to the drawing room before our mic at 3 p.m. Happy hour. Just slam tequila sodas. Walked to my mic I'd hosted.m., happy hour, just slammed tequila sodas, walked to my mic I'd hosted. Heavy pours. Heavy pours. Really like an entire pint glass of tequila. Yeah.

And this guy was on stage and wasn't going well, but he was so vulnerable, so sad, and he was bombing. And I look at Ben and I was like, play the cricket drop. Play the cricket. And we thought it would kill. And Ben's like, I can't do it. I'm so bad at it. And I was like, you got to do it.

Hit the cricket. Everyone was so mad at us immediately. Yeah, I remember that. Could you imagine being him? I thought about this so much. I'm just like, you're on stage talking to your dead dad, and the open mic host, play a cricket soundbite. Yeah.

That's really rough. That was like the initial kill how did he not fight us i don't know i i think if you're going to talk about your dead relative on stage before the sun is down you got to come into you a little bit that's true you know what i mean you gotta wait till nighttime you're workshopping a fucking like eulogy yeah at an open mic and uh you know a little late for a eulogy. And also, it's kind of in the... it's a little late.

He is dead. Yeah. Been dead. No, as so, I've tried to work out material about dead family and it's just... I don't even know why we would even try to do that. It's just like, yeah, some things just gotta be private conversation. Unless you land on a joke

in private, but to go out, I've seen guys go out and just be like, my dad's dead. And you're like, what the fuck do you want us to do about it?

And now, there's no joke. So it's like, you can't come out with no fucking joke. Woo! Yeah. It's that whole thing

that like, those one man show comedy things that started taking off but you're writing on stage about the worst thing that ever happened it's like no man like think it through before you come out and like you know just make it our fault the seven people who are here it's just a wild impulse yeah you know who doesn't think it through our lovely lady here our lovely lady here. What is her name, John? I don't know her name. Did you get her name?

I think her name's like Monique. Michelle. It fucking better be Monique. You said Rashida. Laquisha, he said. And now he's saying Monique. John goes, oh! Her name is actually Precious. I fucked up, guys.

Oh, yeah. What's her name? Her name's Mammy. Her name's Miss Pat. No, it's not. No, I'm fucking with you, dude. Mammy. You were looking at your phone.

I thought that was real for a second. I know. Let's see. Hold on a second. No, what? Fucking... Play it while you find it. We'll say conspiracy on this one,

because I didn't necessarily... You're welcome to stop here if you want before we go into the one more. Well, it a random interesting Mario and I'll just leave it there Mario Mario look at that queen she's awesome okay and she changed her hair is different in that picture she's great hair now the coordinates to the mall coordinate coordinates okay to the mall if you put them in reverse she She goes, you know Larry Silverstein had a bunch of stock that he took out right before the World Trade Centers

were hit? Dude, she's about to say something insane. Can you reverse it a little bit? She's getting into coordinates. She's doing, well, she's doing the, when black women are about to like really drop a bomb, they start doing seminar hands. I don't know if you guys have noticed this. Black women love to go like, here's the thing. Let me tell y'all what's really

going on. And they do this thing like they're given a business. And she's about to fucking tell us what's really going on. They moved her to Detroit. Oh my god, she's being eaten alive by stray dogs right now. This poor lady. She was too real for Miami. She's now in Detroit. She's an Emmy

award winner. She fucking better be. Now she's in Detroit. She's an Emmy Award winner. She fucking better be. Now she's in Detroit. She's selling so much right now. She's in Detroit. She's on the news. She goes, you know how many abandoned buildings we have in Detroit? You know how many black children are raped in abandoned buildings in Detroit? You know how many aliens you could fit in those abandoned buildings?

She's at the shelter doing a rap battle. I got to hear this thing. Coordinates to the mall, if you put them in reverse, take you to Antarctica. Oh my god. What? I don't know what that means. No! Whoa!

Maybe they mixed up the coordinates. Fucking what? And then popped up in Miami instead. Who puts coordinates in reverse? It smells eel. Why would the aliens use coordinates? She goes, y'all ever heard of Havana Syndrome? It does spell eel.

I'm going to say it again. You know, if you flip my name backwards, it spells eel. Well, what about this? This fucking guy. It's like a Wayne Brady character. It's really horrifying. I can't believe he's a real man. Yeah.

Thank you very much. If you flip my name backwards. Oh, good luck. When you call me L. Huh? It's still L. Oh, I like that. I like that.

I like that. Al didn't like that as much. Nothing. Mito didn't like it as much. I should have got a little something on that. Audio didn't like it as much. Okay. Thank you.

They're literally playing like Wile E. Coyote noises and shit. Unbelievable. God bless. I'm just happy DJ Doug Pound got a job. You know, it's good for him. God bless Fox 2 Miami. That was incredible. Holy shit.

We might have time for like one more quick one. Oh, this is Fox 2 Detroit? Oh, that's Detroit? No, but there's water there. Does Detroit have water? Whatever, it's Miami 2 Detroit. Oh, that's Detroit? No, but there's water there. Let's keep it going. Does Detroit have water? Whatever. It's Miami. Detroit is underwater.

I want more of what's-her-face. Mario or whatever. Mario. Jesus Christ. Man, I'm not seeing many videos. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. So that was her.

She's still bringing it, though. She's still bringing the heat. God bless her. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. She's like, you can move. She's still bringing the heat. God bless her. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. She's like, you can move me anywhere I want. My fucking mission stays the same.

Dude, she's doing rap battles in 8 Mile. You know, she's fucking fully. She's killing it. She's fully. What is going on, Fox? Let's see what's like. Okay, this is Fox 2 News live at 11, January 17th. I don't know.

This guy looks like he's wacky, too. I'm Robin Murdoch on the city's west side, where these bone-chilling temperatures is making everything just a little more difficult today. They're turning our anchor's hands white. The answer in my live report.

Good morning, Amy. Good morning, Robin. It has been days since Metro Detroit was hit by that winter storm. Cold in Detroit. That's not bad. That was her. Good morning Robin it has been days since Metro Detroit was hit by that winter so old and it's continued to be That was her conditions causing major challenges for firefighters this morning and Fox 2's Robin Murdoch Do they ever bring our Queen back on Yeah, they don't they don't leave her on during the day it's like nighttime shit She's out. She's not fighting aliens like men in black. bless her though it's just a bunch of fucking detroit lion shit god bless the

lions hope they win um yeah all right well damn that kicked ass that was crazy yeah it was fun it's kind of crazy we i think we were wrong the whole time they don't work in miami yeah i think yeah they were just showing the miami footage yeah oh you knew that the whole time? No, I mean, I feel like that has to be. I don't know. Actually, I like the idea. Well, all the more to the point of the uselessness of local news. Like, if that's local Detroit news and they're like, Miami them.

And it's like, no one gives a fuck. No one cares. It could be anywhere. It goes to show, though, that that's maybe the best television there is left now is the local news because they're just tell they say whatever they want because they know no one's really watching but like old people yeah i guess the only people were trapped in their house and are too afraid to leave because this you know there's an alien in miami so i can't go to my detroit local shop so you just you get to go off on the news and you get to be like a weird like half black half white creation guy because like the only people that are watching you are coming out of a coma like in the hospital like it's just the

new it's just the the tv that's already on when you're admitted into the hospital dude my heart oh go ahead no i think the only reason i would say that like i was like yeah it's like i think if that was actual local miami news it would be like negligence in some way right right but they were they were they were hate watching it they were they were Right, but they were hate-watching it. They were. They were fully podcasting. They were shitting all over. We got a little Moriel down there. Oh, Muriel checks in with the nine.

Hell yeah. She'll be on the seat with us. I love her. It's a pretty busy day. Do you have craft services, Elle? It's not that insane. She's in Atlanta now. Is she wearing? Is she wearing from a river to the sea shirt?

What is that? Something to the sea. She might be a time traveler. This woman is the strongest lady on earth. Not blessing. Moriel? I love Moriel. How many chews I got in.

You know, pretty hungry. And I love free food, as we know. So I have a can of Coke back there. And all the chocolate and snacks you can imagine. I did want to say before we go, things are going to be a little different when I come back. Uh-oh. Okay? Are you listening?

Are you talking to Lee or who are you talking to? All y'all. All y'all. I just wrote down a few things just to be ready. Are we out of time? I think we're out of time. No one is to look me directly in the eye. Oh my God.

That's the first thing. What'd she say? She said no one's to look me directly in the eyes. She kicks ass. Damn, nice. She's like barbara streisand yeah or bob or bob he doesn't let that either right yeah miles davis too he would like do concerts uh with his back to the crowd yeah my buddy uh had a friend who was a roadie for bob

dylan and no one was to talk to bob dylan while they were on the tour and at the last stop he was like hey bob as bob's walking to his hotel he's like hey bob i just need to stop you and just tell you how much your music has meant to me over the years like you've changed the course of my life with your poet nature or whatever and then bob dylan just looked up from his hat and he was like eat shit are you serious just kept going these people just give the stories. Why are they all so evil? That's crazy. It's wild. Bob Dylan plays

concerts where he doesn't even remember half his lyrics and he's just wailing. He's just like, he's just humming and shit through whole songs. What the fuck? Seeing Bob Dylan now would be like a waste of money. You can see Bob Dylan at every local bar in the shittiest neighborhood

you've ever been to. It's crazy how I hear stories about him being an infamous prick, but he's amazing. He was also on fucking Pawn Stars that one time. What? Was he? Yeah, like Chumlee got to interview Bob Dylan.

Oh my god, that's crazy. He was doing like Victoria's Secret commercials too. What do you think she's about to like... The next rule? Yeah, what is she about to imbue? She's about to... She's being sassy. Play it, let her play it. For like a second.

Lee Thomas, you are responsible for my hot toasted almonds I would like on my desk, please, every morning. No problem, they'll be right there. Dina, your mother is going to have to make me cranberry sauce quarterly now. Not just for Thanksgiving.

Derek is my right-hand man, so he can now only stand on my right side. That's it. Oh, by the way, my cousin Griff, who does the radio, we had him on the show a few times. Remember him? Yeah.

He's all decked out in his Michigan gear. He's actually doing the show a few floors down. I'm on the 34th floor, Ryan. 34th floor. Did you take the stairs? Wow. I know. I couldn't take the stairs.

I had to do it. But my cousin Griff is here. He's gone. They really just give her the show. I mean, we get it. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah no she's I think it got to her head

honestly god bless Mario yeah I mean the alien stuff they were just like wow alright we gotta give her the whole show now

yeah they let her run that was 8 days ago it happens to everybody she's going off seems everybody they give the mic to for too long just end up being

a fucking psychopath she's just she's just on the local news being like we all know Nancy Reagan was spreading crack throughout the ghetto. But I still want her to deliver me Cracker Jacks.

Oh, man. That was fun. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I guess we'll wrap it up here. Ryan, what's your social? Oh, at Ryan Donahuman.

Yeah, that's my thing on Instagram. That's mostly where I'm going to start posting more stand-up clips. Post clips on your Instagram. Yeah, apparently that's how to do it. That's what everyone has to do. Yeah. You know? Oh, yeah.

Or you could start doing a little wacky. You could do like a wacky thing where you tell a joke in a thing. You tell like one joke while doing something like wacky, and then that becomes a thing. Yeah, or I could just be on the local news of this terrible place. Or you could try and get on Fox 2 Detroit. Yeah, she's trying to clip up material. You clearly have no prerequisite for any sort of knowledge

inside of anything at this point in the news. Oh, no. It's a reason to watch your guys's fantastic podcast from being honest thank you yeah if you want to stay truly informed watch hate watch we like to inform the people here yeah absolutely connor anything to say any stuff coming up my show north hollywood mkm cultural arts center february 17th buy tickets fun time hell yeah john um any Buy tickets. Fun time. Hell yeah. John, any dates? Yeah. Yeah, I'll be at work tomorrow. Where are you at work?

How's everything? You're not really sure what's going to happen. Yeah, we'll see. We'll see. All right, folks. God bless you. Thank you for listening. Love you.

Bye. Bye.