Hate Watch with Devan Costa - Cyrus The Virus

Episode Date: July 1, 2024

Cyrus just wanted a hug https://www.patreon.com/HateWatchPodcast  

It's good to be in something from the ground floor. I came too late for that. I know But lately I'm getting the feeling that I came in at the end The best is over Many Americans I think feel that way Don't ever let a man piss on your leg son All right, Joey's here. He's back. All right Alright, Joey's here! He's back. Alright!

He's back! I've just been told I missed a classic episode. We have some. Filled with new lore. I think so. A new character. John told me, he goes, man, you fucked up. Yeah, you fucked up big time.

I just created the new Tugged guy. And I guess everybody heard it at this point, because this is coming out after. John named him. I named him. Oh, but you came Oh, but ever you said you came up John's great with the names by naming. Yeah, the Emerson spooky the Emerson spooky Which which when this episode comes out will be last week's public Cuz by now everybody's going I know everybody should hopefully be going us or they're or they're tearing us down They're ending the reddit

They hate it. I think they're wearing Emerson's spooky shirts Spencer's already made This kid is this fan of the show Spencer listen, I don't like saying fan It's like I don't know support makes you feel like you're like a listeners The listener's supporters even is a fan., supporter. Makes you feel like you're like. A listener is the best. A listener is a supporter. Listener is the most honest word. When you say fan, it makes you, it makes you, it comes off like you think like you're in The Beatles or something.

Like it's Beatles made it. Like Spencer's throwing his dirty underwear at us. So he was at Live Love Laugh, the horrible show that all the Hate Watch fans let us down on and we will never do ever again. Spencer's there and he was talking about how if we ever ended Hate Watch, he'd legitimately kill people. And it was making us really uncomfortable.

He would go postal in the literal sense. He's like, I will go to a post office and unload hell. Like, they're the reasons we stopped. If the Hate Watch ended, it's like, it's cause of UPS or something. And I just kept being like, stop, please. Spencer has an unhinged vibe and he's become a little bit of a bro because I've met him at so many of those shows.

Yeah. To the point, though, he's so unhinged that when I introduce him to like my friends that are there, I have to be like, hey, he's not dangerous. He leaves the lasting impression. I was on a train to Santa Monica and like Mark's like texting me on the train. He goes, hey, dude, dude, so by the way, that Spencer guy at the show, I'm kinda worried about him a little bit. Yeah, no, no, well he,

I was talking with Mark and Richie on the side of the building and Spencer drove his jalopy. He flew by at 40 miles per hour and he rolled the window down and he's like, hey, white pocket, punk ground, yeah! He just kept flying. And then he talked to us

for a long time, and he had a blunt, and he kept offering us really disgusting mango flavored one. I took one of those. I took that nip. It was one of the worst things I've ever had. It's god awful. He's like, it hurt my body going down.

That was disgusting. Same by day, he watched my night. All day. All night. He has a Mexican girlfriend like I think she is from Mexico. She's like in Mexico. Yeah, yeah. And so he was down in Mexico posting on Instagram just him like running around Mexico.

It's like Christian Bale in harsh times. He like goes down to Mexico to like get the edge off. But he was posting all these pictures in places that were like super Mexican looking and then I was like I don't know if I trust Spencer down there. And then suddenly I got a message from him And he it was just like hey, can you please send me money? I'm in a bit of a bind

Yeah, yeah, and then I responded and I'm like dude, Spence First of all, you gotta send me a video of you saying this so I know this this isn't a scam But if this is true like I will help like what's going on and then he just went off the radar and I'm like Well Spencer's been kidnapped by the cartel and killed. And then he resurfaced like weeks later with no explanation, just a new Instagram, and he's just like, yeah, I don't know what the fuck happened, just like, blah, blah, blah.

I still don't really know what happened. Well, if you came to the fucking show last Saturday, you could have asked him, so. Well, I mean, who would do that? Who would go to that? You don't want me to set everything up. You croc sucker. I'm goofy, no, I mean, who would do that? Who would go to that? You're the one that set everything up! I'm goofy now. Yeah, Spencer's a good kid.

Just don't do anything bad. We'll always be here for you, Spencer. We're scared of you. Please don't take to the streets. Worried sick about you, Spencer. Cowl, God bless Cowl. Cowl's a great listener to the show. Jackson the man.

Jackson's great. And Quinn. Quinn's a great dude. And then another man Jackson's great the only three and Quinn and Great and then another guy showed up in a who killed just laying Maxwell shirt and then a Mexican dude Worked for ups or FedEx FedEx coolest guy. He was cool as hell I forget his name though is like his name was like quantum physics He like stood in the corner and was just like yeah, it's gonna kill himself if you don't see she hasn't shown up Oh, where's gonna kill himself if you don't see she hasn't shown up. Oh Just can't let me party. She has a sleepy bozo hanging out with the avocados and all sorts of like oranges

Back novel falling asleep under an orange tree somewhere On a train he's gonna sleep next to the day laborers just straw hat over his ass. And they fucking hate him. Yeah, they hate him. Gringo piece of shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Beechy gringo. Leo 90s hair piece of shit.

Yeah. What's eating Gilbert a great little fucker? Jeremy's spoken ass looking motherfucker. It's funny, the listeners of the show that show up, they're either 21 or they're like 38 and they're at a loss. Yeah. Except Quinn. Yeah, except Quinn. Who has the best life ever. Quinn has his shit together. He's just a good guy. 21 or they're like 38 and they're at a loss Together he's the nicest guy on earth. Yeah

Jackson shows up with like new chicks every time I don't want to say that he has a girlfriend anybody this time Okay, Jackson's like that wizard and fucking Mortal Kombat. Yeah Jackson obviously Raiden Jackson obviously brought too many of his friends to too many shows for a while, and they all abandoned him. He learned his lesson. They go, we hate this, and we hate you. Leave the cult behind, Jackson. You just show up yourself. I don't think that they abandoned him.

I think they all OD'd on cocaine. Or they died. That's more likely. They're all dead. We love you. And Jackson's showing no remorse. He's a sociopath. He doesn't care.

He stands there with a bag full of those Got rid of the dead weight. They're dead He's a good guy Every time we see you in person I go to tremendous you're the greatest You broke spots his heart last thing on this and we'll get right to this pedophile. I Broke spots heart. Yeah. What'd I do?

How? You don't remember this. So you were going to have spots on and, or no, you were leaving to go to like a tour and me and y'all were talking about like, Oh, whatever. We're bringing spots in, we're going to do this big thing. And you're like, I don't know if you, I want those guys around the house.

That's just because you guys, uh, I just keep getting shit from Ida with like, you can't keep bringing people around the house. That's just because you guys, I just keep getting shit from Ida with like, can't keep bringing people to the house. Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore. Well, that is true. Thank God, I mean not thank God, it's sad. What's going on. I'm here for you bud.

I miss you and I love you. And I'm a better man now. I come home and Devon's doing it now. Not as good as these NBA players. I know, I know, I don't fucking throw dick around like Kyrie Irving Man see you compare my dick the carrier make sure yeah, not not so special okay, but I'm still something Yeah, that's my cause. Yeah, I'm good enough. I'm smart enough look I don't I don't think I don't my dick's not as big, but I also think there's flat

I can't so that accounts for something it's the't believe it. It's the motion of the ocean. Why are they so different? Looks like a needle. Moves like a sewing machine. Yeah. Yeah, so I mean, anyway, Lemon Party was in the New York Times and Ida left me for the Dallas Mavericks. That was so, dude, I was so upset.

These are two things that people have completely believed. It's astonishing how retarded all of you are. Blew my fucking mind. It's truly astonishing. It makes me feel like I've done nothing with my life. That I've just, that I come into a room and I throw feed at retards. You have no idea how when I saw that,

I was like, dude, the New York Times is fucking cool, man. That's, you must have been, you must have had no brain cells working. Yeah, I've been retarded lately. Oh, lately? It's nothing. It's like, yeah, the last like 32 years, I've been like really retarded.

Really dumb. I started to go like maybe there's a carbon monoxide thing happening. It genuinely concerned Joey and I. We were going to the gym. We were like, what is going on? Is he like okay? You guys don't understand, I have a Chinese bio weapon

that affected my brain and melted my frontal cortex. You can't keep blaming that. I am gonna keep blaming it because that's what fucking happened, retard, is I had my brain destroyed by Czping that's not true. They don't even ping fuck me up. They don't even have much get my revenge They don't even have much. Okay, live. Oh, but really shut up They fucking do your bioweapon. I got leaked

But you keep fucking blame you can't keep blaming your genuine retardation. I'm not you're a lazy fuck You haven't you haven't been working on your brain lately. I work on my brain. You gotta do puzzles and stuff. Why do you, why do you have a side? What, I gotta do Sodoku? The fucking get my brain to shut up. Sudoku, Sudoku.

I didn't know you were saying Sudoku. I know you wish puzzles came with soda. There's the deal. I was dumb as shit prior to 2019, but I wasn't this stupid You know something stupid you just you're doing I have a himbo. No, I'm a himbo. Let me ask you this Let me ask you not you're not a himbo a bit of him. No cuz I would make you a hot make you a hot guy I'm sexy as hell You're sure it says post collapse. It's like about your brain

But let me just try to understand how your mind works, so, you know the New York Times, okay So this is what I thought you know, you know what you know, they're part of through this Yeah, that's what I understand like, you know that you hate the New York Times like in what world Have you ever heard lemon party let's start with that it's a one-on-one party episode that's what maybe that's probably why You don't listen to the show you're on. But did you know that they talk, you must at least be able to assume that they don't talk about politics that align with...

I was like, okay, maybe they turned a new leaf and they're trying to be cool. Jesus, you're so retarded. There's no way to understand any of this. I was like, maybe they're cool. And then the second thing was I was elated for my buddy. I was like, that's so fucking great. That overpowered the rest.

I get that you were just like excited. I love you guys so much. I was like, this is great for us. It goes to show you're kind of just waiting so hard for like any lie to be like, my buddy killed it. Right, that's kind of sweet. That's adorable. It's adorable, I love that.

But like, it still is just shocking. You guys have no idea how much I believe in all of you. You genuinely hit me up in the group chat. You go have no idea how much I believe in all of you. You genuinely hit me up in the group chat. You got Devon by the way. Congrats on the New York time. Like completely sincere. Did you tell your family and stuff? No, no, no. I was gonna wait to see. I still had some weird things. But just in case, I'm gonna make sure Devon knows I love him. You're so funny. You're so funny. I'm gonna make sure I love him. And I want you to be the best me. I want you to be the best internet marketer you could possibly be. Thank you. And I want you to be the best me never only be the best internet marketer you could possibly be thank you And I want you to be the best podcaster on planet Earth

Yeah, and I'll you know when you guys can't fucking carry yourselves. I'll be there for you to carry Thank you We're having a great time and the whole This whole recording five times when he Connor so funny, Connor has a bigger toe, but she, oh, there we go. Recording five times in two days has like just, done nothing but bring us closer, and I think actually sharpened our swords.

We should do this more regularly. Well, I'm talking about this. I think I might open up a Patreon tier. We're gonna do this thing, cause I'm saying, you know, podcasters, they act like they're doing tons of work, and it's like a thing. And it's like. They're, it's become a lazy medium.

Before this existed, if you were a broadcaster, you were on the air every fucking day. Five, it's a nine to five. Every morning. Every morning. Every morning. Five a.m. So we don't even have to wake up in the morning,

but I think we're gonna do a thing. We're gonna open up a page right there. It's gonna be called Real Broadcasters. We will record every day for a week. We should wake up at 5 a.m. and do it. That's what I think too. Yeah. Joey, I think you should request a week off of work.

Yes. And we can't do it cause of Joey though. No, no, no, no, no. You can get back to work at 8 a.m., 9 a.m. Yeah. We'll record at 5 a.m. I actually start at seven. Fucked up though.

I start at seven every day. We can do one episode then. You know what, I could bring my computer over here and I could like pod and then like, I gotta go check my shit and then. Watch us start this tier, we all die of liver failure within like three years. Cause we're pouring whiskey in our coffee at six a.m.

I'll buy a thing of Bailey's. So that's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking we change nothing about how we operate on this podcast. We fully drink about five beers per episode every morning and then we continue, we day drink all day. All right, now I know why

Klaue is into this idea. We drink until 10 p.m. every single day. Yeah, I like it. Go home, drink no water. Yeah. We're torturing ourselves. No, because we have to. No food, no water.

Because it's our job. It's our job, no food, no water, just booze. And then we wake up at six a.m., five a.m. actually, record every morning. We're at 33 taps knocking on the door. What are you guys fucking hoping? We are going to drink for 100 hours straight by friends And become the best broadcasters this fucking planet's ever seen well regardless of the time frame Of a record I think it would be very fun if we did like we did five to seven episodes in a week

Yeah, and that means if you're on that tier you get an extra Maybe it's just for Patreon. Five, maybe I'll start Patreon and I'll just say it's for fucking, that's the whole point. That's the point. Oh, sorry. So you get an extra, yeah. And it would be, and by the way, John,

John, the New York Times would eat this idea up. Because at this point, we're playing to the New York Times. Every day, their print, they're stopping the presses. And extra, extra, the A-Watt podcast is doing a thing where they record every day. 5 a.m. The best new Patreon tier by the New York Times. What was the joke that John made in the group chat

a couple days ago that you were like, I don't know if this is a brain, what, do you remember what the joke was? We were like, it was honestly just like the worst joke I had ever heard. Oh, so I had a, okay, I was goofing, number one, What what you remember the joke was we were like it was honestly just like the worst joke I'd ever Okay, I was I was goofing number one, but I said I didn't think I said I came up with something funny guys Oh, yeah, guys, I thought of something and then you made us go like, okay, what is it? Yeah, I waited No, no, no, you forgot. Yeah, you said guys

Guys, I thought something really funny. No follow-up You send something else and then Joey goes wait. What was the funny thing you thought of something really funny. No follow up. You sent something else. And then Joey goes, wait, what was the funny thing you thought of? And you go, oh yeah, it's this. And I said, it's Free Fallen by Tom Petty? Yes, okay, here we go, here we go. Oh, here we go, read it. Oh my, cause first off, you hit us up, you go,

guys, I thought of something really funny. So we thumbs up it and then nobody really cared. And then you got back to it later. Joey asked me a completely separate question. And then you go, ha ha ha, like what Joey and completely separate question, and then you go, ha ha ha, like what Joey and I are talking about, and you go, oh, my idea. We go, oh, God forbid me.

Don't wanna forget that. You go, dude, it's the song Free Falling by Tom Petty, but it's called Free Balling. Yeah. And Joey immediately goes, is this a goof or COVID brain? We say that so much to John in that group text. Connor goes, that's gotta be COVID brain. John goes, guys, I'm a comedian now.

Joey goes, worried sick about you, John. It's honestly the best group chat ever. It truly is. I would agree, yeah. I hate watching group chat. Hate watching group chat, you guys wish you could see it. To the moon. It's the only group chat where two people can have

an independent conversation for days while no one else responds to it. Yep. It's very funny that if I'm wondering what any of you are doing, I text all four of you. Yeah, I do. I'd be like, Devin, are you home right now? I need Joey and John to know about this.

Yes, because we're codependent, we don't wanna actually hang out alone. We want you guys to be like, yo, well, my God, I have FOMO. Well, there's a prying. There's a prying for the other, so we're texting we're like hey maybe the Devon are you home right now maybe Jillian Connell see this and ask if Devon's home as well and you know but it's how people live without friends

like you like John sweet very sweet like all of you sure sure sure I don't know how people do this without this you know if you're not a part of the hate watch The hate watch group like you should kill you two-time bozo should have a post office You're a worthless idiot you ever meet these grown men who have a hard time making friends. They've no friends I've seen it's a lot more common than we see it's common. It's crazy like that's just what do you do? What do you do? A lot of them are just bummed out Sadly, it's kind of it's actually quite sad. Yeah

Sad sad people we love you and we're here for you a lot of them. I'm not you you're a fucking I'm here to you A lot of these people are probably pedophiles I'm also almost like what do these people do and it's like, oh they listen to this podcast. It was so funny. Hey guys, the reason no one likes you, it's cause you're a pedophile. I had a guy hit me up. You seem like a pedophile, guys. Hey, if you're a big loser and you don't have friends, you're a pedophile.

I had a dude hit me up the other week and he was like, hey man, really love the show, like all that stuff. And I was like, thank you so much for listening, like standard or whatever. And then he responded with, okay. 1488. Yeah then he responded with Hey brother, and I believe in the 14 words bro, and I was like okay like really yeah, okay listen, buddy You're listening right now stop being racist. It's okay. You can you got none of none of the jokes It's not fun. Just be afraid, but you know that's the tells you a lot that it's in a while

That's like John puts out like a dog whistle. Yeah, I'm- That's because he talked about being his family from being Nazis. John's like, I hate racist humor. Please do not DM it to me directly. Please don't join my bike club. God, it would piss me off.

Don't be racist, it sucks. But that was crazy, I was like- Please, please don't join my back club where we drive to the woods where no one can hear us and we do say whatever you want. Please don't do that. It's fun. Man, that sucks to hear. I get it. We love you all.

We're reckless. We say a lot of reckless shit. Well, John, that's not bad. I think John is the worst at that. Sure. I mean, you know, we know John and we know he's not actually like that But he attracts that not us they don't get it John up They know John will be like me they think there's a chance John they see a strong Sigma male and they can't help But yeah, I mean both by you know, let me party in this like it's like, you know We get there. I'm sure there's a fact of people that like don't understand

I've been trying to get rid of that copy of mine comp for three fucking my leo joke That copy of mine comp is like the mask in Jim Jim carries I tried to donate it to the Museum of tolerance. I've tried to donate to the three Why would they want why would they want that because I don't want to sell it in case a neo-nazi buys it So I literally hit up museum tall like listen. I got this insane copy of mine comp It's all a burn this like live like they get burn this live? Like, they got a big show? They called me and they were like. We'll lose half of our listeners if we do that.

Dude, they called me and they were like. No, I mean like the Museum of Tolerance. They set up a big show where they burned it. Yeah, it's like a big thing. They said they got a pile of Mein Kampfs at the Museum of Tolerance. How rare is your copy? Like, what would it cost? I think for the problems.

Museum of Tolerance, we got more Mein Kampfs than shoes. We're swimming in Mein comps over here. I tried to donate it to three. He might as well run the damn place. His struggle, my struggle is all my copies of mine comps. I'm gonna have to donate to some Holocaust museum like Ohio or some shit to actually get rid of it. Nobody wants it, how much does it cost to buy one?

Bro, that copy is worth like 500 bucks to $1,000. Oh, that's pretty sick. Yeah, it's because it was owned by a member of the fucking Einstein's group and in Lithuania like that was the narcos I'm not sick by that's cool that somebody gave you a thing worth five No, you didn't give it to me Ben was like I can't have this You sell the book and you donate the money Ben couldn't have it because it spoke to him like Green Goblin smash Just wake him and I've like, what are you doing? I'm gonna be honest with you, when I first got that book.

The page is moving like a mouth. It's like a Harry Potter book. No, when I first got that book, there was like a week where I couldn't stop listening to interviews of World War II veterans, like German and American. And there was a point where I was listening to like some German Nazi talk about what his World War II story was stories like and I looked over at the

book and was like holy fuck this is like a fucking thing yeah it's like a monkey's paw so I really want to get rid of it but I just stopped thinking about it now it's in the corner that's your talisman if mine comes on a necklace around your neck it's like signed by Hitler it's good you have a thing signed by Hitler your part it's a fake signature but I'm thinking you open the page and there's this Hitler signature with a picture by Hitler or your partner? It's a fake signature but you open the page and there's this Hitler signature with a picture of Hitler. It's not signed by Hitler.

You wish dude. No he doesn't. No he doesn't. You wish dude. What? You wish it was signed by Hitler dude? You fucking shooby. Hitler kicks ass dude.

No. Your boyfriend wishes that it was signed by him. Very good. This is 21 year old Cyrus Warren. Oh shit. Your boyfriend wishes that it was somebody else. Very good. That was doing it impressive. This is 21 year old Cyrus Warren. Oh shit. Jesus Christ. Let's get into it then.

Well what is this Joey? Okay yeah so this is my favorite hate watch listener. He's a cunning pedophile. He's a put it on the screen. He's a cunning pedophile. Cyrus. So he's busted for, he's a Domino's pizza delivery driver who first they bring him in because Yeah, everybody does that and but so he's a Domino's manager actually and so he raped one of his employees. Oh

And so they bring it of age Damn, she worked. She worked at Domino's pretty pretty inconsistent pedophile race one I know he becomes a pedophile later in this so they bring him in for the rape and then and then he's just like, oh, come on, dude, that's bullshit. And he said in there sort of just like pretty flippant about a rape charge. And then separately, they get a new cop comes in and goes like, it's like a tactic. It's an interrogation tactic where he goes on.

Honey and vinegar. Huh? Honey and vinegar. No, no, no, not that. so the guy comes in and he goes like By the way, so did you guys just do the first felony charge or you guys get into the second felonies? Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, and then he goes wait what there's two felonies like what's the other felony and he's like, I don't know Let me I'll let you deal with that with the detective So she comes back and then she goes also we caught you being a pedophile in the same week so Two felonies wearing basketball shorts with Tim's right now so amazing. He dressed like Devin last night

I did not you had basketball shorts on last night. No I didn't I'd regular. I can see those basketball shorts in oh my bad. Those are nice shorts. Those are nice shorts. I'm sorry I actually had a weird I swear to god I thought you had basketball shorts. He runs Abercrombie. This is 21 year old Cyrus Warren. Back in December of 2021, Cyrus was arrested after a female coworker at Domino's told the police that he forced himself onto her while they were hanging out. Cyrus was a known registered sex offender, so a warrant was issued for his arrest. The order comes in and he goes, well, the pizza trackers got some time.

I think we should, I think we should rape. It goes, he calls rape like it's a thing, like she's a part of the rape too. It goes like, your pizza is in the oven. Cyrus is taking your panties off. He rapes a woman, he goes, well congratulations, you were complicit in a rape. He drives the Domino's car with the oven in the back.

Remember that ridiculous campaign they were doing where you could buy a Domino's pizza car? They were like, it's a good investment. You could warm the pizzas up, cook them in the car, drive them all around town. What the hell, I don't remember that. That's the true thing. So a guy got in legal trouble

because he tried to rebuild one. There was a Domino's car that they were advertising that you could buy. It was like a Toyota. And it was like the greatest delivery driver of all time. Oh, okay, so I thought it was for like guys that just love to eat Dominos. No, I think it's a, okay, yeah.

I actually think it's a real thing. The Dominos car, so there was a guy who, his whole thing was he would rebuild Teslas out of spare parts and he got in legal trouble for that and then he got in legal trouble for building the Dominos car. This thing, imagine, imagine investing, this is something my dad would do. My dad would come to my, he would come in and he'd go, honey I got the Dominos car.

We're gonna make a killing. All the crumbs are subbed honey. Look at that, it keeps the pizzas warm. There's a whole tracking system in... Darryl. He goes, you know, it's all electric It's oh, you know runs on water. Oh my fiat Fuck yeah, you know This cocksucker has to say okay, so I this is going to sound possibly callous

But we should probably skip the rapes talk because it's not that The detective no, it's actually it's not that it's not art and fun No, it is dark, but it's just not like okay, so basically what happens is she goes like okay? Yeah, your employee says that you like was a woman or I'm a guy a woman So your employee says that you went to her house and then like, you know, you took advantage of her You know, you forced yourself on her and he basically just says like oh, you know, she's lying has a lot of excuses I would skip to where the the second cop comes in and does that tactic? Spikes it's around 20 minutes. No, is there actually One involving his co-worker and another involving a minor he did.

Hey look it's Cyrus the virus over here. This guy looks like a Yu-Gi-Oh! guy. He looks AI somehow. Yeah, he's pot of greed over here, fucking... Pizza too. Yeah, I was just about to take my sister to work and then all the officers pulled up and were like, Hey, what's going on? And I'm like, I think you remember Miranda rights.

Miranda rights. B he goes got it he goes he spit it out I'm sorry it's been a long morning this is a hate watch listener he's like Miranda has no rights it's why raped her I thought this was about like the registration thing. He goes, listen, you guys aren't gonna bring me down here in my And One cum stained shorts. And not get to the point. What's going on? I have to get back.

I'm doing a load of laundry. He goes, I don't usually dress like this, okay? Hey guys, you guys coming in off day, I don't have the And One tank top that matches my And One. I usually have a gray And One tank top This is so embarrassing you guys fans of escalator You guys like escalate hot sauce. I guess you're being charged for rape You wouldn't stop talking about your end one because listen he goes no. I don't want to stop talking about my end one He goes a rapist me. What a guy waiting brand new shacks be a rapist

When you're a rapist, me? Would a guy wearing brand new shacks be a rapist? He goes, he goes, when you're a rapist, you gotta look good. I completely forgot to put that into, like come here and re-register saying different jobs and stuff, you know? And that's what I was thinking this whole thing was for. I was like, oh. Gotcha, gotcha. Because you had switched jobs and hadn't had a chance to.

So, okay, okay, fair enough. So since working, since quitting work, you've just been hanging out at home mostly? Yeah, I've been hanging out at home. I've been playing games. I have a whole bunch of fun. I've been hanging out at home listening to hate watch. Uh.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Lemon party, hate watch. We will one day be involved in a huge scandal. We will be like complicit to a scandal. Our goof about how Brian Coburn was like our biggest fan. So many people believed it. Probably. Yeah. And it's believable.

It is. It just like goes to show you what people think of us. He's showing his dad like fucking like Mississippi milking like. He's like, God, why do we keep getting pulled over? Let me turn down Mississippi milking. He goes, no, it's a great story. Like Devin and John went on a road trip together. Like, dad, it's like us. It's a legendary episode.

It's that meme of the dad walk in the door and be like, you winning son? And it's Coburg being like, John's being a fat retard again. Ha ha ha. Friends now, I never thought that I'd meet people on that. He goes, I have a whole bunch of friends now online. They call themselves Haywatch.

There's like Viking samurai knights. Oh my god, he's a thriving video game. These guys are Japanese. You can just play with them, they got different armor sets and different costumes. If you're a white guy and you're into Japanese culture, you are like a pedophile, right? It seems like this is a common thread with pedophiles. They like love Japanese like words. Most anime is magical little girls fucking doing bullshit. Yeah, they're like-

Kanzigarou! Aisho! Aisho! Aisho! Aisho! Very pedophile. Yeah. Ninety-nine percent of anime is that, is pedophiles.

If you are the lawyer defending this guy and he's going on about like armors and shields and all that stuff, it must be like a slam dunk thing with lawyers like, dude, mentally, he's 12. It's like an open showcase. The lawyer's like, this is fucking great. You're retarded. He's talking about video games, he's like, and then we had Kraft macaroni and cheese. And then we had- And then I made a hand turkey.

Yeah, and then- So then I went to the- and I a smockers unquestionable and they're like how old is it 38? That you start talking about like Dragon Ball Z during a rape charge Yeah, the judge is like I'm not fit to stand trial like throw them in the looney bin. Yeah, what I'm the Choma wing I'm not fit to stand trial like throw them in the loony bin. Yeah, what I'm the Choma wing It's really cool. Yeah, I'm surprised I haven't hit the top of the leaderboard So you were working at Domino's for a couple months and you said you quit there Mm-hmm. I was just like I was just like, I was just like, no, because someone heard me, you know,

I hear I was a little conversation and they didn't like that. So they tried to blackmail me and I did not like that at all. So I left. Okay. And I can't handle, yeah, I couldn't handle that. So I was like, okay, well, I'm gone. I walked in one day and was just like, I quit. Bye.

And I left. Cops like that's so bad. So you said somebody. You're kinda cool. Cops like, that's fucking sick. Cops like, you know what? Sometimes I think about doing the same thing, man. This whole fucking system, dude.

Like, what cogs a machine, man? Let's get out of here. Fucking wage cogs, man. R slash anti-work, right, right brother? You overheard a conversation into the market? I overheard a conversation because one of the employees was banging their manager and they were talking to each other about all that stuff and they looked at me

and were like, you didn't hear a damn thing. And I was like, yeah, you're right, man. I didn't hear anything. But then they continued to talk about it. And they continued to think that I was going to say something about it. And then they tried to say that they were going to say some things since they were female. And they were going to say I did some things then I didn't.

And so I was like, no, I'm going. So I grabbed all my stuff and left. Cyrus claims that the reason he left Domino's was because one of the female employees threatened to blackmail him if he told the owner about her and the manager's relationship. The detective knows the real reason he left was because he sexually assaulted the female he claims is trying to blackmail him, but for now, she will keep Cyrus talking until it's time to confront him. We transported him to be a plane called Con Air and it was insane.

So my mistake by the way quick and it was a great tech and it was insane and it was insane. Fantastic tech. I didn't even catch that. Incredible. Incredible stuff. And it was insane. He's a comedic genius. He's a comedian genius. He's a comedian. I go, where did this guy come up with this? That free ballin' is going nuts. He's on one. Free ballin' is easy.

Cause I'm free, free ballin'. It's actually funny when you do it in song form. Yeah, of course. We've all done it before. Yeah, we've all done it. Now, you're a brilliant genius, John. I go free ballin'. It's insane.

I mean, the hits keep rolling. He just submits that in a packet to SNL. He goes, free ballin', it's insane. He goes, all right. Lorne's like, you know, usually we hire people as a staff writer, but you're the head writer. What were you going to say, Joseph? Oh, yeah, so he wasn't a manager.

He's not the manager. The chick that he assaulted was having sex with the manager. And so he is claiming, and that changes it because it's actually a crime. You can have sex with your like equal level employees at Domino's. You can have sex with the manager in any way. Exactly.

So he has that on his side. He has that going for him. No, no, so he is saying that okay So basically what he was trying to do is like I found out that she's fucking the manager So I'm gonna use that in and basically try to get away with rape because I have that on them So I set it up wrong a little bit. I said he was the manager But I'm actually glad for the clarification because for a minute. I was impressed with this guy I went 21 year old managers, that's fucking impressive.

Actually I watched the whole thing thinking he was the manager and being like, okay that is kind of cool. That is good. It's kind of cool. We have such low standards for ourselves and people. We go, you're a manager at Domino's at 21? What do you think a general manager of Domino's makes? 80k a year?

I would say even more. I think. Maybe 100, 100. I was like, that's impressive. Yeah, that is. That actually is. That's a rich 21 year old. Apparently if you get a job at Bucky's, like your starting salary is like 75k. Remember we were in Bucky's in Texas? That can't be true though.

You think that's a lie? Starting salary, 75k if we're gonna buy it. Or maybe it's like 60, but then remember remember that, remember that they had that big poster out that said like, well your rates as you go up, and it was like, eventually you could be making like 140k a year at Buc-ee's. I might just move to Texas and work at fucking Buc-ee's. Honestly dude, the only problem with Buc-ee's

was that that night we couldn't get any booze from them. That was really annoying. Did they stop selling booze at like 10 or something? It was like some bullshit Texas. I think it was midnight, but it was just like, we got there like 12.06. I was completely locked out. It was really annoying. Did they stop selling basically like 10 or something weird? It was like some bullshit text. I think it was midnight, but it was just like, we got there like 12.06. It was completely locked. It was all locked. You were going to say something about the fact that they were together.

And why would that be an issue? Because no one else knew. And the GM was really strict about that stuff. The GM even talked to one of them and was like, hey, I think you two are together. If you guys are, y'all can't be doing anything. Okay. So are there rules at Domino's that you can't be dating other employees or what is that? You just can't. Can you manager? Yeah, you can. So like, I think you can date other, like employee, employee. But like if you're a manager dating an employee,

then it's like, let's say this employee does something bad, right? Like let's say they spill a shit ton of soda, right? Now since they're... So far this guy's coming off very relatable, like a normal guy that you would not expect to be a pedophile. Dude, he's like, say the worst thing ever happens, like you spill soda. Let me paint a picture for a disaster scenario. Say the worst thing ever happens, like you spill soda. Let me paint a picture for a disaster scenario. He goes, you know, some of the people I work with do really bad things, like spill sodas.

If they spill ranch, I mean jail, if you ask me. So he continues to be like very relatable in a weird way and charming for a pet-a-fly. He's pulling out all the stops right now. Exactly, yeah. Manager, or the girlfriend's girlfriends manager then they can be like and so can you do it instead of being like a little you know clean it up and so it's like they would play favorites or something

yes they're not supposed to be dating manager because a manager might treat that person differently yes accurate so they were concerned that you're gonna say something to the manager to somebody else about that. Yeah, which is crazy. You weren't going to. But they said, we're going to beat you up or kick your ass. I can't remember exactly what you said. They were going to...the other lady, she was like, I'm going to beat your ass.

She was like, I don't hate girls, but for you I'll make an exception. And I'm like, oh, that's some bullshit. That's some bullshit. I ain't a girl. I ain't a girl. I ain't no, I ain't no bitch. I'm kind of retarded. This guy thinks the cops are asking him for this. Yeah, that they're investigating.

Yeah, like workplace drama. Workplace drama, yes. He thinks he's there for like TMZ level, like, yeah. I told by the employee- You've been arrested for cheesemaking. You're one of those dingers. Cause you- For what?

Cheesemaking, it's like Mexican gossip. Oh, so you're arrested for cheesemaking. For what? Cheesemaking. It's like Mexican gossip. Oh. So you're like a cheemosa. She was just, she was a little hot. I don't know what was going on. She was a hothead. She was like a firecracker. She just started popping off on things that she didn't even know about. Like she was like, yeah, you look like a f***ing bad a**. Well we have news for you buddy. The cops go, yeah, yeah, we have more on that other than you looking like. We'll circle back to that later. Cop in the highest pitched voice possible goes,

funny you mentioned that actually. I'm like, damn, like I don't know you like that. I wasn't gonna say nothing. I wasn't gonna do nothing. I was like, damn damn like you play too much To a little kid with a block toy You play too much Diana. I go. Yeah, what does okay? Like I told her I'm like I'm quitting my job so that you guys know for a fact I ain't gonna say nothing.

They're like. I'm quitting my job so like you guys know I'm not gonna say anything and also I'm a pedophile. I'm like terrified of leaving the country soon. I'm an adult rapist and I'm a pedophile and I was trying I did also is this because of the cheesy breadsticks that I ate? Is this because I the cheesy breadsticks that I ate? Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe that you hit me which then would be assault which then I could turn it into sexual assault and then I could do this and that because I Don't know what was going through her head But she said that she was like I've read up on all the all the shit that females can do nowadays like I'm like

Okay, cool. You ain't gotta abuse your power like this like I understand Abuse your power like this. Like I understand You ain't gotta abuse your power like this He's like I saw what they did to Harvey Weinstein. I saw what they did to Bill Cosby It's like it's fucking they can just get away with anything He's like, but was it not talk like that? Sorry, that's the FUBU talking. I that's not me Listen Domino's is for us by us That's not me Listen Domino's is for us by us

Thing when she was saying all those things you he was over the phone Okay, and I was just like I was like just talking to me and then I deleted our messages or conversations Everything and I blocked her and I left it at that I was just done after she talked to me about all the bad things that she could say and try to have happen to me Okay, so she said that she was gonna say that you had assaulted her and then that could turn to sexual assault Okay. Yeah, and then she said that if I don't go with it that she knows where I live since she is How far should I skip? Yeah 20 minutes. So so yeah, but 20 I don't want to see when do they confront him like when do they? About the rape actually. Yeah, we should see that is it coming up. I think so

So the manager is only wonder to many house which I'm worried about because I have a little sister in a mom I just that buffet man. Oh, that's so good. I He's like me ten years ago, I'm like listen was there was the context of that There's no context. He just keeps sort of And then I think that same day I went to golden corral Yeah, would you like it called in crown? I just that buffet man Yeah. Yeah. What would you like at Cold and Corral?

Um, I just, that buffet, man. Oh, it's good. He's been in France. That's what I think. He's like, I'm putting M&M's on the pizza. Probably Cold and Corral. Chicken strips. They make like little chicken strips.

Just a fried okra. Oh, wait, really? I don't know. Oh my god, this guy's so... Do you wanna go? Oh, dude, shut the fuck up. Not right now, but next week. There's always next week.

There's always next week, so... He goes, there's always next week. He goes, there's always next week. They go, there's no next week for you. And this guy said he's like literally like, one, I'm getting away with it, two, I'm getting some pussy at Gold Corral. Yeah, he thinks he's gonna fuck this cop. I gotta come to the police station more often.

Damn. I mean, to be fair, if you wanna like meet like other like-minded pedophiles, you should date cops. Uh-huh. Absolutely. You know, I mean, come on. After asking the detective out to lunch, Cyrus spends the next few minutes explaining how he is being blackmailed by his female coworker. He even states that the text messages found on her phone from when he apologized for sexually

assaulting her are blackmail. Cyrus claims that she forced him to send those messages or else she and the manager were going to physically assault him Basically Cyrus knows what he's about to be accused of and he's creating a new Where he is the victim rather than the attacker? Shut the fuck up and get a lawyer. I don't know why you're defending this pedophile rapist. He thinks he's fine. He thinks he's retarded Yeah, well don't get upset about it You're defending this pedophile rapist. He thinks he's fine. He thinks he's killed. He's retarded. It's so funny. Well, don't get upset about it.

I get it. Fuck that makes you look weird. What would this episode be without this? Yeah, thank God he doesn't get a lawyer. Thank God he's a big old fucking retard. What if every episode we did, it's like interesting for three minutes, and then they go, I'd like to lawyer out.

We go, well, God damn it. Well, folks, we'll try again next week. Well, hopefully these guys stop loitering up. Yeah, yeah, so, and I went to therapy for two years I was basically studying work by work and I went through I Like I got approved by my therapist. I got a free to my own wants to date man It's like listen, I've been to therapy for two years and I studied it word Every woman you date does that? No, that's what I say to every woman that dates me. Oh, that's what you say. I went to therapy,

I studied it word by word. I just haven't gone to court yet and filed a paperwork to get off the registry because I heard that the law is changing with the juvenile. It's like after a certain amount of time, everything will just get expunged. And so I was just gonna write it out and show you guys like, hey, you know, I've been out for this long. You guys can definitely expunge me. Wait, so what has he been charged with, Joey?

I actually didn't know. What did you see? Well, I guess he's been accused of a- He's acting like he had a prior charge. He did. When he was a minor, he had a charge that I actually don't know. Oh, okay.

I mean, those shit's happened. But now that this is happening, I don't actually don't know okay Unless it's happened, but now that this is happening That I don't know and so now I'm definitely gonna have to file paperwork in order to get off registry It's on the sex offender registry. Okay, I think he did some sort of pedophilic thing when he was like when he was like 16 Yeah, okay, and I'm gonna have to Probably go to court for this. I don't know if she wants to press charges Or what's happening there? Do you know what's happening? Well, you have a warrant out. Do you know what's going on in my life? I don't know. It's i'm not i'm not i'm not paying attention. I mean every day it's the same old thing

It's like rape rape rape better fuck better fuck better. Also, do you know what level my mage is at right now? He's like he's like I can't keep up. I have a Chinese bio weapon in my brain. My name is John Knopf. So that's, so, so that's for it. Oh, so she's charging me. She's giving me charges. There's a warrant for that. Correct. Okay. So she's willing to go to court. Yeah. All right. Then we should set a court date. I'm not, I'm not in charge of it. And honestly, that right, and we should set a court date I'm not I'm not in charge of it and Like the justice system he goes, okay. Well, it's not a court day. Why don't we get this going? Miss miss miss officer if I can call you that I would please just set up the court date as soon as possible

Because I can't wait to you know free my name because maybe I'll get with the prosecutor We'll set a court date then we, and then we'll get a judge, we'll get a whole jury going, we'll get me on for rape, and then we'll do the whole trial. Let's get to the rape thing, and then let's get to the pedophile thing, and then we can just get out of here. He's like, let's set our court date,

our actual date, at Golden Corral. He goes, you know what, how about the real date though? Forget about the court date, how about the real date? You know what I'm talking about, secretive tits. I found a Golden Corral about an hour and a half out of here that does have an okra. A lot of this conversation is forward to have an understanding of what happened

and that's also what court is for. So everyone has an understanding of what happened. And I think that's what I'm trying to get a sense of too. You know, and I've heard you talk about what she wanted you to do and sort of your apologies in there and to you you feel like that's you're apologizing for things that you didn't you didn't do. Yeah.

So she says she gets upset because I apologize for things I didn't do. So serious. She goes well you so you admit to the rape in text and then you apologize for raping. So you're saying that you didn't your apologies for things you didn't do. So you admit to the rape in text and then you apologize for raping, so you're saying that you apologize for things you didn't do. He goes, yep, exactly. Yeah, exactly. You got that exactly right. Exactly.

That's a baller move. He goes, listen, sweetheart, I can feel that okra getting cold right now. Come on. It's only an hour and a half away. That is a hot commodity at that buffet. Come on. That will go fast at that buffet. Whatever gets us to popcorn shrimp quicker.

He goes, listen, sweetheart, Birmingham, Alabama. It's an hour and a half away. We gotta get there. That's because she's, as you say, she's banging the manager. You find out about it. She's concerned. I love how they keep saying banging.

Like they're always Sonny characters. Like, listen, dick nose, you guys are banging each banging each other say something that's gonna get the manager fired so they she and the manager threatened that they're going to assault you and then You decide based on that that you're going to quit so you go into Domino's Managers are in the back. So you call from Domino's to quit. Don't really give them a reason why they give you the wave because they see you there. You leave and that's when it's crazy gotten this much trouble. It

says I want you to say all those things. You write them down and then you text them to her and then delete them. Is that accurate? What I'm saying? Yeah. Like they're protected by, like they should be like, skipping it. Oh. Ha ha ha ha. You know, I mean, Next riff.

At the end of the day, like. Joey, where do we skip when he like starts panicking? Okay, so go to around 20 minutes and there is, first like never panics. Oh, he's like fine the whole time. He's like, he's like, he's like the kid said I touched him. He's got the best excuses. Yeah, it's like So he's like fine the whole time. He's like he's like he's like the kids that I touched him He's got the best Like listen this kid who's like blackmailing me

He was like threatening us when they start grilling him on being a pedophile he that's when this really starts cooking But so go to right there. Okay, actually perfect. Oh shit the cop Oh back a sec no no no so the other cop comes in and that's what they do that tactic that I was talking about Oh shit, he sprawled out. He starts talking to himself Go to the beginning of the black and white thing because that's where they explain it in the video. Bullshit and it's not okay. Well, should I actually do the DNA?

Because like, I'm pretty sure she probably f***ed another guy after she talked to me in order to get someone's DNA. So this is about the rape? Yeah. It's about the rape. I've been not on it because I never f***ed her. And if I did, I would have been f***ed. I would have been f***ed.

I would have been f***ed. I would have been f***ed. I would have been f***ed. I would have been f***ed. I would have been f***ed. I would have been f***ed. I would have been f***ed. I would have been f***ed. I would have been f***ed. I would have been f***ed. I would have been f***ed. After she talked to me in order to get someone's thing about the rape. Yeah, it's about the rain Because I never there if I did I would use a condom very good

He goes, you know a lot of these rapists they're like really like they're really sloppy sloppy They're not so safe for that. They're not they don't care about safe sex Like if I if I rape I do like hold them down like long enough to like I put The condom on you guys I'm very strong Yeah, because actually any time I rape a woman I make sure I want it to be kind of hot So I put the condom in her mouth and I make her put it on And then I asked for dinner at the why and then I go can I get date II go to Golden and then I go to Golden crown I buy her okra

Classic rape rape Textbook rape. What are you talking about? Great. I got a clean test. She is really ugly and she is not my type So wait, who's he talking to? manager Dom no no he's talking he's talking to knows the cameras going so Right now what he's trying to do is I'm gonna see this like he Knows how this works. He's watched all these videos before he knew this day would come He's doing his inner monologue. Yeah, yes He's looking to look up at the camera be like hey JCS Love your work. Let me off JCS come out of retirement. I'm sick of this red tree poser fucking copycat

Red tree media is a fucking poser JCS. Help me out help a brother out Bullshizer He really does act like you. He really does act like you. He really does act like me. He has John tendencies. He doesn't act like me at all. Oh, I f***ing second time here, f***ing god! That's me on your couch.

Yeah, that is. Like I'm here watching Devon watch sailors go across the Atlantic. Another day, alright, okay.. What's Ramsay up to? Chef Ramsay Uncharted, okay. So he's in Portugal. I'm not a rapist. I'm still talking about this. I never said that.

I'm saying, I'm just saying out there. Weird that you would have to proclaim that. You don't need to proclaim that at all, Johnny. We all love you, we all love you. We all know you're a good person, Everett. I'm a kind man. I've never raped before. Shitty man. I've been a good man. I've been a good man.

Take your own grave, Johnny! Hey, how one person can f***ing lie, especially females. They can f***ing lie and throw a man in jail. God already knows other f***ing dudes that see your paperwork or see the screen and find out whatever that charge may be. That's f**king dangerous. That's some bullshit. The detective needs Cyrus to talk because he's not just being charged with the assault, he's also being charged with an incident involving a child that took place while he was delivering pizzas.

The detective tells a transporting officer to tell Cyrus about the second felony, hoping he will want to talk about it. You know you got multiple felony warrants, right? Multiple? Yes, sir. What's the other one for? So you got the case that I think you talked to Julia about, and then you got another case involving some juveniles kind of thing? Ohhhh.

Does that sound right? Uh, no. Okay. First one? Cool. Whatever. I'm gonna figure that shit out and get out real quick. Hey, no. Okay. First one, cool. Whatever. I'm gonna figure this out and get out real quick. Second one, what the f- No one had a second one. All she did was talk to me about the first one. Okay, mom. I'm gonna be in here for a fat minute.

She's gonna be like, what the f- did you do? I'll be like, apparently I had two warrants for my arrest that I never even- By the way even to the listeners He's talking to himself. Yeah For something that I never even did and I'm getting blackmailed and the second one is for that I don't even know about apparently it's with serenity Which is slowly becoming cat williams. Yeah, very funny He goes to get into the door. that's pimping, pimping.

He goes, here's the thing, baby. Try to charge you with pedophilia. You don't even know which kid they talking about. I was the first pedophile of all time. I was the greatest pedophile of all time. I started pedophilia, Shannon. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh shit. After hearing about the second felony, Cyrus agrees to speak with the detective again.

According to court documents, during a pizza delivery, a 10-year-old female answered the door. Cyrus asked if her parents were home, requested a hug, then gave her his babysitting information. A month later, he returned in plain clothes. The same female answered the door, and Cyrus asked again if her parents were home, then requested to use the bathroom. The young girl slammed and locked the door and claimed she saw the door handle move as Cyrus attempted to gain entry. Oh, whoa. I feel like this lady might be hot. Did he ever break in?

That's a bad timing thing. Does it attack him? Yeah. She might be. He did ask her out. Yeah. I'm happy to talk to you about that. I just want to make sure I understand who you are.

Cyrus told Emma, like, age is just a number, baby. Yeah, he's like just such a player. He like, he's like, I got caught up in the game. Anyone can get it. He goes, I got lost in the sauce, sugar tips. That's the gold in the butter. Like I start restricting my pussy by eight. That cost me 90% of my pussy.

I go down to 10, I go up to 50 sugar tips. He goes, listen honey, I cast a wide net. He goes, sometimes you catch a little sardine and shit. He goes, hey, hey. He go out a wide net, man. Sometimes it's a baby crab. You get a little guppy. You get a little guppy and shit.

Don't blame the net, blame the game, baby. Sometimes I be fishing a shot of water. He's like, hey, you know how I do. He like, hey, you know how I do. He goes, oh, you know how I do. I would love for them to bring in some black cops to like put the cuffs on them. And they're like, man, you knees ugly as shit. Put those shits away.

Told my partner, the detective, that you wanted to come back and talk about that case. Is that correct? The second warrant? Cause I never even knew about the second warrant. What's that about? Yep, so we hadn't got to that. So, happy to talk you about it. She's not that high. No, she's not. So, the second case, um... Okay, my bad. Joey, you're a disgusting pig.

She looks like the landlady in fucking... Landlady? She looks like the landlady in that fucking bowling movie. What? Oh, a kingpin. Kingpin, yeah, very good. That's actually good. You got it out right, you'd be a comic. I am a comic.

I'm the best comic on earth. You're better than most comics. That's for sure. Charge related to some of the time that you were working at Domino's. So I'm happy to talk to you about that so Simon asked you some really direct questions. It's like listen you work at Domino's. It's a domino effect Starts with like a rape of an adult than the kids

Shit keeps falling. He goes, you know, you know Domino they go 18 17 16 15 14 you've been super straightforward with me and telling me that what your deliveries look like what's your contact with people look like what you do and do not look like and so the case that I'm talking about has to do with a department that you've been to on more than one occasion. The first time you delivered and the young lady answered the door, you delivered the

pizza and you went on your way. The second time you delivered the pizza, the young lady answered the door and you asked her for a hug. No. Never happened? Never happened. Okay. I mean, is there camera footage? Is there audio?

Because I'd like to see this and I'd like to see my face. Yeah. And why do you think a little kid would say, this driver came to my house and asked me for a hug? I don't know. Just she wall me he was listen Cuz she see cuz she see a dripped out and we're like this at her door No, but he goes he looks at the cop and he goes you ever see the movie the hunt with Mads Mikkelson She goes I'm mad Mikkelson he He says that. He goes, I'm mad. She goes, I'm mad. Mickelson. He goes, this is the hunt. I love a great film. Everyone should check it out. Incredible. I have my number and my my name. Well, they did. What the hell? Well, then I'm probably what the hell? He keeps

talking about sweeter cinema. He goes, I'm gonna need another round after this shit He's like you ever seen like the right one He's like man. This be like the necessary death of Karla China countryman, right? You know when you be having your family out at a snowboard store and your fucking blizzard fucking avalanche comes down They don't leave them shit. This shit's like anatomy of the fall or shit. He has all this knowledge of foreign films. He goes, I'm a cinephile amongst other five.

Ah! I'll be teaching you about all this shit after Golden Crown, don't worry about it. Don't worry, don't worry, sweetheart. You be learning with me. Don't worry, sweetheart, you eat that ochre, you eat it up nice and good. We go back to my place, we put on Criterion Collection.

Criterion Collection. He goes, he watches me there. He goes, you see an N-word in drip like this? Of course a little girl gonna answer the door. You ever see being a dude that's dripped out knowing about criteria? Oh man, him being a slight wigger is the best add-on to this guy. As I started wanting to do like a babysitting business, I was...

I had like papers with my number and my name, and I think like six houses. I gave my name and number and I was like because they they all had kiddos and very good right well you know pedophiles called kids kiddos yeah doggoos and kiddos you know you don't understand them so I'm trying to start a babysitting business so to start a babysitting business surely you understand what do you need first thing you need look it's so he's actually saying he was he's trying to start a baby scene in business So he was like hugging kids at the door as he delivered pizzas to be like like he's trying to like

win over new customers What if what if that what what if that is sincere that's like putting peanut butter on your balls to start a doggy daycare. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. What are the- Ha ha ha ha ha. What are the- is sincere though, he's just like, that is his mind, like his mind's like, I'm gonna hug this kid, get acquainted with kids.

But he fucked, every time he fucks up, he's just like, walks back to the car and goes, that was clunky, man. You're not ready for the big leagues yet dog. Hello, he's like Saul Goodman, like in the hood, like try, he's like, he's like, you know, a lawyer for you! He's like, damn that was going so well, why'd I try to break the door down, damn! I was winning that kid over! I was like, oh, here's my number and give them to the parents and the parents would be like, oh, I'll call you next week or...

That's not the way to do that. Okay. So you were trying to start a babysitting business? Yeah, because the neighborhood that I live in with my mom, I talked to some parents and they were smoking and I was like, hey, do you guys know if anyone's doing any babysitting out here? And she's like, yeah, there's this one lady, but I would not recommend her I'm pretty sure she hits kids and I'm like, that's no good. I'm like, oh shit Well, I'm starting to be a you know, babysitter because I want to be able to do my research

You don't take a group of kids I identified a big demand for babysitters in this area and that's why I was trying to charm them and kind of kiss them I figured it'd be easier to fuck kids if they were all in my home. No, it was innocent man. I was walking around to other parents. I was like, you know why I can find some unattended children in the area? I started to get to thinking, you know what I mean? What's the best way to fuck a kid? You're alone with the kid. He goes, what's the main problem fucking the kid the parents? ABC you teach him the ABC ABC D E F G S E X

Like ten kiddos anywhere I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know.

I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know.

I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know. I know, I know. depending on how much sounds like somebody wants to be a big brother retard How dare you Cock sucker, I'm gonna best big brother ever when do you get when do you get your son next couple weeks? When do you get your son? It's very funny. It's like we're like lone wolf and cub

They got to find a kid who's like in my area and then I pass my live scan. Oh don't worry about it. You good? Yeah. I'm taking a kid to Connors. Thankfully he didn't plan this one so it might be good. Jesus Christ. I'm kidding.

Lift, Laugh, Love is my favorite comedy show. I missed it because I was hungover being a lazy boy. I was just texting the host saying I'm going to be like 30 minutes late. We're good. Let's say there were 10 kids, that would be around $50 an hour. Yes, that's right. For only $5 an hour, you too can have this man right here watch your children. Wow, this guy's nice. I want to bring you back to what this case is specifically.

You've been super forthcoming with me. You've talked to me to what this case is specifically. Okay, and again you've Been super forthcoming with me. You've talked to me about what you can remember. So specifically with this house like I said, you went to this apartment one time you deliver to a Juvenile a young girl who answered the door. She takes the pizza. There's no contact with an adult You go back to that apartment the second time to deliver pizza and young girl a juvenile answers the door and You end up giving her a hug How do you get a hug at the second time? No, dude kids are terrified. Kids are retarded. No, no, but the first time the kid he asked for a hug and she ran away scared locked the door and he tried to break

In no no I think he just delivered the pizza for the first time knew was a little girl answering the door That's the next time he came back Yes The story the cop seems to have is that like he you know just saw her and delivered the pizza then the next time Asked for a hug and then I think it got gradually like then he broke in I think okay I don't think I've got to the he tried to use the bathroom. He's a predator No, no, no, no.

So he does do something much worse after. Yeah, okay. Okay. So that was during the time period that you were working at Domino's, okay? You then went back to that apartment, no longer working at Domino's, and knocked on that door again.

Talk to me about that. I didn't. You didn't do that? No. So I don't know What you're talking about or where this is? Like where what apartments yeah, I for some reason I feel like this is drag. I don't know I'm trying to figure I never said that it was the best pedophile. He's the most cunning pedophile

It was the best pedophile. We were the most cunning pedophile He's letting you close the twinkers this is good. Well, Twinkers had no tack. That was why he was great That's what I'm saying. Oh, yeah, oh this scion Flipped his car I was Johnny relax Yeah, this guy sucks at it. I wonder what that guy's up to. No, this is very good, but Twig, I would love- Johnny, relax. This guy blows. Relax, I know you see a lot of yourself in him, but it's not bothering you. I'm just out of the picture, you cocksucker.

I mean, the first comparison really got to him. Yeah. Is that why you're all bummed? He's been pissy. He's been stewing about it. You don't need to get pissy about it. Cocksuckers. Cause you have your son coming.

You don't need to get pissy. You have your son coming. The thing that's a bummer about pedophiles is it's a one and done case. You know, like a twinkerist. You're like, I can't believe he's locked up. I know, that's what sucks about twinkerists is that they should keep bringing him out to just entertain us.

Hey Spencer, new t-shirt, free twinkering. So Joey, where should I skip? What's going on in this? Let's get to the end, close to the end. I actually stopped watching right around where we are. So help me understand why you're there. I don't know. It wasn't a hurt no one if I was there. And it's not to like do anything crazy and stupid.

So it's like, I don't know, probably just to be there I guess. Just there in general. Beware. So let me explain. Don't know probably just to be there. I guess just there in general. He went so I think Let me let me let me explain So what he ends up doing is after he quits Domino's he goes back to the house Well, you're not delivering why are you back at the kid's house? They said in the video. Oh, they already say that okay I didn't know they covered that array so yeah, so he goes back the house comes now He's just pure pedophile or say he's saying he's starting his babysitting business. But yeah. So he returned for no reason.

They said he showed back up in street clothes, like not dominant. And then also civilian when he came back. Yeah. Yeah. Not a soldier dominant soul. And then so the lady's like, Oh my, did she says, uh, she goes like, Oh, so like, did you need to use the bathroom or like what, exactly why? The kid answered the door or the adults? The kid, the kid. And then, so she reported it and then they were like,

they were able to track, using the pizza tracker, that it was Cyrus. They got his thing using the pizza. Wow. Well, the parents got involved. It's a real domino effect here. Very good. I think this kinda is the end.

Kinda like a pizza hunt. Very good. Very good. What the hell? Save that for the show. Oh my God. Don't waste it all on us. What if I do this, it's my set tonight, I explain this video to the audience for 10 whole minutes

and I go, kinda like a pizza hunt. I know a lot of comics that would do that. They would explain the closest thing they remembered that was mildly amusing would do that. Yeah, they would they would they would explain the closest thing They remembered that was like mildly amazing in their life They see do you have it? I think I honestly think this is the end of this So this is the best video ever He's hammered and he feels bad that he hasn't really participated You were amazing with the Emerson spooky

The most cunning pedophile that I've ever Die on this hill Joey said this is the best video he's ever had. No, I remember that. You did multiple times. You have brain damage. You lost all credibility. John gets uncomfortable with pedophile stuff because he is a pedophile. He always does this.

Everybody thinks he's a pedophile. That is boring as shit. It's a guy in a fucking room. He sucks ass. John knows that everybody, this is getting eyes on him. You've turned into Joey now in this episode where you go this video sucks I used to do that a long time ago. You did it like three episodes ago Well, no, sorry cuz I care about the audience. I want to entertain people so I'm watching stuff

You're the guy who's like hey, what are we doing tonight guys? I already be here on time today you cocksucker. No I Said hey, I'm gonna set my alarm to wake up at 5 p.m. Yeah, and then you guys just showed up at 2 p.m. Well Connor had to go to a show But you guys saw me say that early in the day So and then you guys just showed up so it wasn't quite my fault this video sucks and Fat retard yeah, very good, Joey You said this the best video a good time I'm just saying this is I would my expectations were up here another rate

I said it was a very cunning pedophile. Okay. Well, here's the thing people need to make a they need to like separate The video doesn't need to be genuinely entertaining on its own. That's a very cunning pedophile job for me. Okay, well here's the thing people need to make a, they need to like separate. The video doesn't need to be genuinely entertaining on its own. That's our job. It's up to us to make it entertaining. Sean, I think we've done a pretty good job. Like people think Twinkerus is the best episode ever cause the video is hilarious.

I don't think that's the best jokes we've ever made. Yeah, exactly. Or anything like that. So like, it's just, there's a weird balance with the, I'm just saying I've been watching Guy Haney. With the audience where the audience sometimes just wants like it to be like the video weird balance with the with the thing I've been watching audience for the audience sometimes Just wants like it to be like the video to just be the whole joke or it's like our job is to tag up a video I've been watching a guy in Tim's and basketball shorts fucking defend himself like a retard. Well, you've been obvious

You've been shaking and like squirming and there's got my 80s flaring right you're having a weird like Yeah, it's cuz well, you, you had the job at Domino's. We get it. It's a similar trajectory. Domino's, Big Brother, I'm guessing like You've been to lots of places. Why do you think you wanted to just be there? Well I mean

I'm guessing apartments probably Well, she was a really hot 10 year old. She was a hot little girl. He goes, so did you get a chance to see the girl? So then you get it. So you don't even know what I'm talking about, huh?

So you're playing dumb. You're playing dumb. Is that what's going on here? Listen, you can like separate the fact that you like like dick and understand how hot this 10 year old girl was. that you like like dick and understand how hot this ten-year-old girl was. Wanting to move, I've been wanting to move away from my mom for a fat minute and... Love how he says fat. This said fat minute.

Everything's a fat minute. Fat minute like a few times now. For a fat minute. I'm trying to find a good place. I have been talking to people about moving to different places and I mean they tell me that... Well how does prison sound? Yeah, you can move from cell to cell. If you want to move.

Three square meals a day. That's up to you. Lady of exercise. So go back to say you're wanting to belong, you're wanting to be there. Rape is kind of okay there. You can hate what you want. The apartments, tell me more.

You can tell me why apartments, by those apartments. Those apartments. I can't picture the apartments in my head. But I'm just going to go off on a whim. He's like, how about you show me a picture of the girl? To jog my memory. He goes, listen. He goes, listen. Send me to prison for life. Just give me a picture of the girl. He goes, okay, not really recognizing.

Do you have anything with her maybe in a bikini? Something like that. There you go. All right, here's the girl. He goes, oh, 771 Johnson Square, apartment number seven. Yeah, of course there might be none of her. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, ha ha.

Like, mm. If it's the apartments that I'm thinking of, then I have PlayStation friends. And if it's not the apartment that I'm thinking of, then it would have been to find a possible kid of mine that I might have a son out there. What? Oh my god, thank god. Thank god we kept listening. I forgot about this.

Whoa, this is crazy. He's saying he maybe was there because he might have a kid of his that he doesn't know is hit. Really insane turn. Whoa. Thank god we kept watching. So now his new excuse is that he's been fucking so much. That I have a child in this apartment complex

and I just never knew it, but like I had a hunch because I fuck so much. Yeah, he goes, I just go looking around because I fuck so much. He goes, actually I'm a pedophile because I'm like a great dad trying to find me. Like his son. He's like, I'm like a level up from pedophile

where I find my kids I've been and then I have sex with them. And actually that was the inspiration for the babysitting business it was kind of a hope to find one of my lost long kids. Johnny by the way you gotta get over this weird thing you're doing. Try new riffs. Listen we can riff on paint drying you show up fucking you miss the first fucking episode Waiting for fucking two hours about Joe. He's been great on the right now. You're afraid to fucking confront about this No, no, no, no. You had to be somewhere. You need to shut up.

Yeah, whatever. We're trying to do a good episode. I'm drunk and I'm tired. And Joey's doing a great episode, and he gave us a great video. So like, yes, it was annoying he missed the first. But now we're trying to miss the first episode. So why does him missing the first mean you get to just

check out for the second? Well, now I just got tired. I know. OK. All right. So there we go. By the way, no show on Earth does this, so go fuck yourself. You are so lucky to be here. I love you very much.

I love you so much. Alright. Something, cause I've had a lot of female friends in the past. He's saying he might, he's going to an apartment complex, one of his illegitimate kids might be there, and he's trying to be a dad from afar, from the parking lot. Because if you fucked as much as I did, you'd be looking for your kids too.

He goes, listen, sugar, I invited you to Okra at Golden Corral later, but like, I fuck a lot, so I have like kids all over this goddamn city. I actually fuck to have kids to fuck the kids He goes have you seen this self-sustaining system? Have you seen the the Vince Vaughn movie delivery man? It's got like a delivery I've dropped my sperm all over this goddamn city. I could I could have 200 kids who know not used to condom sometimes and I don't know.

I mean, maybe. Also very funny real quick, he had the whole moment talking to himself being like, and I would wear a condom, obviously. And now he's like, hi, you know, a condom sucks. You know what I'm saying? That's right, I forgot about that. By the way, his inner monologue,

so like that's gold to a detective. They're like, oh fuck, let him, he's giving us fucking gold with all this talk. So that's why they sent in the other detective. They're like, I mean the other cop, they were like, say the pedophile stuff, and then hopefully his inner monologue becomes about that, so we have all that info about that. Right, right, right, right. Maybe maybe that was it maybe trying to move Cyrus claims they might have gone to the apartment complex looking for a sign he's saying he was at that apartment complex where he met that girl and kept meeting her cuz he he

might have a kid in the apartment complex cuz he fucked so much and there might be a kid that he doesn't know about man so it's such as random places random weird yeah insane which also by that because he had sex with several females in the past who might have given birth to his child without him knowing. With such an amazing answer, it appears the detective may admit defeat and just drop all charges. There's no reason. I can't find my daughter. I'm dying. I suppose it's son or daughter or whatever and I don't know where they would be. Um, which I've been trying to find that number that called me, but I can't find that number. So say, help me

understand so a person that you don't know who doesn't give your name who never had contact before calls you out of blue and says I have your daughter. No, it was my ex. I just don't remember her name. Like you don't remember your ex's name? Yes, because I've had multiple partners I think my body count now is like 25. You're in the name of everyone who's fucked. What are you a virgin? What are you talking about? Cops like 25? That's pretty cool man. You know what, can I get okra with you? These 25 people who you've been with, one calls and who was your ex who you had sex with,

who you didn't use a condom with and is saying I have your daughter and you don't remember the name of her I'm guessing or it was a prank call but you believed it enough that now you're going out to look for your daughter yes and and you happen to choose this one what do you, bitch. How do you choose there to look for your daughter? Maybe just familiarity. Someone being nice enough to say hi or just be kind or someone that just looks familiar. So when this person who you can't remember calls and says, this is my daughter, you don't go back and call him. Right, but it's only one of five.

It wouldn't take that long to call those five people versus driving around Fort Collins and seeing that there's somebody who might have a friendly face and it looks like your daughter. I never saved their number. It's not like I saved all my ex's numbers. Like I deleted-

You're in Colorado? Fort Collins, yeah. Fort Collins. You can figure out where people live I finally have so much storage sugar tits what am I gonna save every number like I left the Sam Talent show I went straight to the apartment. No it's pretty difficult like I can't I can't just go back to every place that I've ever been like you know what even if you are doing that it doesn't change the fact that you have gone to a house to deliver pizza

where you see a young child, a young female, you don't see an adult and the second time you go back you see another young child, a female child and you ask that child for a hug and give that child a hug. There's zero explanation for that. And even it has zero relation to if you think you're looking for this whole time, he's innocent. He has like a kid and he just had, he just had a weird feeling. The kid was, that was his kid. They go, Oh, we just got the DNA test back. And he's your kid. He keeps the liver. He's like, dad is here.

That she looked just like there's just a kid in Fort Collins staring at the window all day every day, and the mom's like, stop looking at the window, he's never coming back, he's delivering pizzas! He's like, he will come back, I know he will! So you're there. He's got a candle in the window waiting. Friends, I'm gonna open up the door

and give the pizza and left. Second time, open up the door and gave the pizza and left. Second time, open up the door, and I was just, they just gave me a hug and pulled. Third time, back. Like the very end. And she shut the door. Why did you knock again? Because you've already asked her to use the bathroom. Because I had a real godwit who used the restroom. I'm gonna pee. I'm gonna pee. But like you said, the leasing office is right there. Well, like, okay, so I'm already walking over there expecting him to be like, all right, use the restroom.

It turns into more of a wigger the closer he becomes to being a pedophile. It's very interesting. Yeah, the guiltier he is, the more black he acts, which is very very weird. He starts the more guilty. He's like I'm blacker. He's like the Freudian He's been like shit, man. I mean nail me to the cross He goes shit man, like I guess if y'all want to like lock a brother up He's like detective please call me rabbit On the next felony just a tip for me the detective I would go less black if you want to try to get out of it but then like here's a note and I'm holding it I'm like oh god I think

I was starting to get like a bladder infection right and that is your coming you're holding right man I gotta go and then I just left after I knocked a couple times and then I left and went to his restroom he was dead come back in my car So why don't you just use leasing office in the first place? Because I didn't know that they had a restroom I think that I haven't been up there until the leasing office at all So I didn't know if it was like in 20s only That was after I tried to use the restroom there

Or I never tried to open up that door. I probably was like, ah, and knocked like that by the handle. But I didn't that. It really made me laugh. It's like, when's the last time you saw a kid in the leasing house? I'm trying to make sense of this. I don't think you're a horrible awful person. I don't think you're some Demented child predator, but it's really confusing to me classic

You're not a monster I understand you did this for some reason you've been there once tell me why you've never seen adults there That's basically and you choose that place to go back For a friendly face and to ask to use a bathroom there's just no other place I mean I could have driven all the way home but I probably would have pissed myself in the car just piss outside dipshit or you could have peed in the bush right next to you or you could have gone to the fire area realistic realistic options you could have gone anywhere else but instead you're going to an apartment

Where you know, there's young kids and you're asking to go inside and I'm just trying to understand that first two times I had to the deliveries I had to go The third time that was uncalled for third time But the first two times doesn't remember. Well, but where are we? Where were we even talking about the first two times? It was because the kid gave me a hug. Which is physical contact. Physical contact would not be okay.

Especially since I was doing a job. Since I was working somewhere. Well, it's like the very end. I thought that kid hugged me. I said that to get you to finish this because I actually I listen John was being a man I also am kind like I think that we've nailed it. Yeah That's like that is definitely jail time 100% if I open up someone's unlocked door You know more it's to make my day long,

and if the kid had a shotgun, I could've got shot. There you go. That's what I was talking about. I thought the kid might've killed him. Yeah, exactly. Wow. You guys like auditor logic.

There you go. That's Cyrus the virus for ya. God bless you all. Love you guys. Hope you enjoyed this episode. Sorry for missing. Wow, we did it. Sorry for missing the episode guys. God bless you all.

I couldn't sleep last night, you know, so, you know, sleeping. Patreon.com slash hate watch podcast. Check us out over there. We're doing, we're gonna even like amp it up. Do a lot more fun things as time goes on. We're here for the long run and suck our dicks. Oh yes.

Yes. Good night. Good night. Bye.