Hate Watch with Devan Costa - Island of Misfit Toys (ft. Ben Avery)

Episode Date: August 28, 2023

Devan did a themed show at the Comedy Store, Biden visited Hawaii after the fire, Joey shows us a weird drive thru argument video, a polish old man gets arrested for a hit and run https://www.patreon.com/HateWatchPodcast Support the show & get Factor for 50% off at https://www.factormeals.com/HATEWATCH50 & use the code HATEWATCH50

It's good to be in something from the ground floor. I came too late for that. I know. But lately I'm getting the feeling that I came in at the end. The best is over. Many Americans, I think, feel that way. We can start right here. Now, begin!

Funny! Go! A hard lesson is that when Devin has control of a podcast, you're learning this hard lesson now. He will not edit anything. I'll edit that. No, he'll edit that. It's the beginning. I started to have to do this.

I would go to Devin's phone number and read his phone number to force him to go and be like, okay, well, now I have to go back and at least edit the phone number out. Yeah. And then he would have to get my number. Honestly, I'm so lazy. I'll be like, whatever. Text me. Who cares? Yeah, yeah then he would have to get, you know, Honestly, I'm so lazy, I'll be like, whatever, text me,

who cares. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone out there, you know, call me. I think everybody that watches the show knows that Devin needs to pick up the slack

a little bit. Yeah. I've been saying that for a while. Devin's narrative is that he's carrying everybody. It's dead weight.

It's dead weight, and he's also, he doesn't know how to use computers. It's crazy. He sings every episode, acting like it's a big song and dancing. He's a hack. He's a hack, and he's an otter, and he doesn't know how to use technology. It's crazy. He sings every episode, acting like it's a big song. He's a hack.

He's a hack, and he's an auditor, and he doesn't know how to use technology, and he's sitting by a computer. He spent too many hours in the alt rooms in the back, you know, taking notes. He tries to sing all of his bits. I just love improv. He loves it. He's still auditioning for JFL.

He can't quit the business. I go, matter of fact, I pull out some Kleenex. I go, toodaloo. Where did this come from? Devin goes like, hey, could you throw me a random object? I go, hold on. I'll do something. I go, I got a kayak.

I'm going to bring a kayak in here. Let's do a big bit. Yeah. Yeah. Well, speaking of novelty things, I did that thing at the comedy store last night. Oh, jeez. I can't believe you said yes to that. Dude, I said yes to it,

and then within 10 minutes, I started having incredible anxiety of like, what have I done? If you're not trying to network around and stand up, it's literally what do you have to gain? I just did it because I avoided it. Keith's our bro. Keith's our guy and I told him I couldn't do it multiple

times and he was like, it's Kobe day. He used Kobe against me. He's like, it's Kobe day. Oh, it's Kobe day. I was like, it had nothing to do with Kobe. We were defending big cities versus small cities. Bruce was on it, but Bruce wore a cowboy hat and a

whole uniform, so of course the retards of the comedy star audience like all ate that up yeah all these morons but uh yeah people are trying to dress up too crazy now bruce is dressing up like lash larue keith is dressing up like me things are getting weird keith looks like fucking like salt Bae mixed with Lance Ito. Judge Ito? He looks like a biracial Judge Ito now. It's a given. Who calls Judge Ito Lance Ito? He's got Judge Ito cocked and loaded. Lance Ito.

That's the thing also on stage I'm making all these very specific references and just these dumb whores in the crowd are like, what? If you were born and raised in Los Angeles we don't know Lance. I go, it's goddamn Lance Ito and just these dumb whores in the crowd. If you were born and raised in Los Angeles, they're just like, we don't know Lance.

We don't know him by Lance. I go, it's goddamn Lance Eno, you whore! Screaming at a buff couple. Literally, it got to that point, Ben. I was just screaming at the crowd telling them they're all worthless and they shouldn't be here. Explain to the folks at home and me what the show was that you did.

Because everyone knows you don't do stand-up. No, no. By the way, folks, if you ever see Devin on a flyer for a stand-up show, it means he's showing up with a chopper. And he's going to let it sing. It means I got a... He's rolling up with a Tommy gun from Miller's Crossing. It means I got a suitcase full of Molotov cocktails

with me, and I'm ready to watch this place burn to the fucking ground. He's hiding under the bed, blowing off Deeds' feet. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. A few months before, like, the pandemic, like, allowed us all to, like, just be like, yeah, enough of that.

I was having visions of throwing grenades into the Lyric Hyperion open mic. I'm not kidding. I was so depressed. They had this open mic at like 3 p.m. on Sundays, and everyone acted like it was a big, great thing to go to, and I had to go because of whatever. What was the Lyric?

Which one was that? I've been there. Darren got thrown out of that place. It's the place I got thrown out of a few times. What did you do? I know I've been there, right, but I of that place. The place I got thrown out of a few times. What did you do? I know I've been there, right? But I can't remember what it looked like. I had to play it somewhere.

Black box, like 50 seater. Coffee shop, black box theater thing. Whatever, go on. Whatever. But I had, I used to wake up. I think a big dark room with only white people in it. So every, every mic. There was like a, there was a, what is the Democratic Socialists?

DSA? There was like DSA meetings before the open mic, and people had name tags with their pronouns on them and shit. But so the show was, it's a culture court, it's called. It's at the Comedy Store. Frank Keith does it, and basically they're a fake, they dress up like judges. They dress up like judges.

The show Devon was on yesterday last night and then so they bring in somebody to argue one side of an argument and then another team to argue another side

and they do like multiple cases and it's one of those things where luckily Garrick I was on it with Garrick Bernard a great friend

and good comic and we we you agree to it and then he sends you homework. He goes, all right, now, here's your case, and you know, you gotta write stuff, and be prepared, and this and that,

and I'm like, oh my God. You don't get one red cent, but I need you to work really hard to make my show good. There's nothing less funny than order. Right. Being prepared and orderly sucks ass. A funny syllabus? Yeah, what? Oh, yay! It's homeroom!

We're in homeroom now! Let's all read the syllabus! So we didn't do that, luckily, and it just kind of turned into shit-talking. I just got really drunk and stuff, but yeah, a lot of the other ones I was watching, it's very

surgical. It's debate club. We're like a lot of the other ones I was watching, it's like very, real quick, very like surgical. It's debate club. What Keith, we're at a group text with Keith and Keith posted a screenshot. Apparently like a porn star hangs out at the store, goes to these shows.

Yeah. And so Keith posted a screenshot of this porn star. She said, she was responding to a story Keith posted of Devin and she was like, you know what? I thought that guy was really hot Until every word that came out of his mouth

Was him screaming and it made no sense Yeah, amazing And then Garrett goes Devin will scream himself out of pussy every time All the time But he has a girlfriend, he doesn't give a shit No, I don't catch why Also, she's retarded

She's not a hot porn star. Yeah, yeah. She looks like she sang Rich Man North of Richmond. Yeah, she's an ugly, fat, redhead porn star that is hanging out at the comedy store, so her life is in shambles. Devin's response to the group text was like,

she was a porn star? I thought that was a hillbilly. I literally, yeah, yeah. Keith's like, you had a shot with that porn star last night. I was like, which? Who? I have a girlfriend. I was like, there was a pornilly. I literally, yeah, yeah, Keith's like that, you had a shot with that porn star last night. I was like, which, what, who? I had the girlfriend. I was like, there was a porn star there?

Yeah, yeah. What? Oh, that human waffle house that I spoke to for 10 minutes? Wow, you're on OnlyFans? Yeah. You got three subscribers. The woman collecting cans in the back.

Dude, you had a shot with, you know, with the fucking soloist. Dude, when i saw you were on a when you told me you were going to be performing give you anxiety dude i was i i i knew the night you were going to perform at the comedy store i went and parked outside of hollywood bail bonds and i waited i waited devon's one phone call. I said, tonight's the night. I got to do the right thing here. It got aggressive because I came. Because we got to keep the Lemon Party podcast going. I need you out by Tuesday when we record again.

I know. It's the beautiful thing about Lemon Party and Hate Watch and just the freedom we have. These words, these words. That we spew all the time is that I went there with like total free, like I've never gone to those clubs. Back when we were doing stand-up, it was like a different thing. I went in like

I don't give a fuck. I'll say whatever I want. I don't have anything to lose. So I was on stage like we were losing the case because I didn't dress up like a fucking I didn't do an outfit. Everyone else cares about the format of the show, and they're like, here's how I win the show.

You came in like, I don't give a fuck. I'm going to do, I'm going to have fun. Yeah, and then when we started losing, I kind of played into the character of, I'm going to scream at everybody and tell them they're worthless and that they shouldn't be here and that they're dumb. I was calling out women in the crowd, like, look at you. You're miserable.

It's pathetic. It's like, what are you here for? Is this a show with judges and stuff, where people judge? Yeah, Keith and Matt Lockwood stand in the crowd. Like, look at you. You're miserable. It's pathetic. It's like, what are you here for? Is this a show with judges and stuff? Where people judge you? Yeah, Keith and Matt Lockwood stand in the middle dressed as judges, but they didn't say anything the whole time. And there's like a guy dressed like a bailiff.

Who votes? Is it like an audience clap? The crowd just claps. It's like, you know, like it's 8 Mile, basically. They should have a jury. They ate up the big city stuff. They should have a jury.

Yeah. It was funny. Bruce at one point handed us like, I want to give some evidence. And he handed us like this paper. And I'm sitting next to Garrick. And Garrick opens the paper. And I go, it just says the N word. He's like a white hillbilly.

Yeah. It was fine. It was fun. But, you know, it's definitely the whole. Why do these people need to be entertained? They don't deserve it. No, they really don't they're just worthless people

worthless people dumb tourists the whole I kept saying we're in LA right now retards you

you're here dipshits you're at the Comedy Store Los Angeles we're not in your shitty small town we win the Black Keys are playing

at the Hollywood Bowl it's done yeah the Black Keys don't go play in your fucking backyard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, so whatever. But it was fine. It mostly just made me remember how much I hate human beings in crowds.

I hate, yeah, and then you have to have peers that you talk to and you look in the eye and stuff. Everybody you run into is trying to be funny. Literally, I ran into four people that I know their face from something and they just start talking to me. Just all of a sudden, you're their open mic. Just a guy trying to be

funny in front of you until you figure out a way to be like, I need a bathroom or something. I gotta, hold up, I'm gonna walk into traffic real quick. Like, just, it's crazy. That's like the worst part, the worst aspect. I mean, you guys used to accompany me to these things.

I was in the early days. It's a nightmare. You walk in, there's a guy playing the knife game between his fingers on a table. But he's just hitting his fingers. He thinks that's not working. It's deer hunting a Russian roulette, but there's a bullet in every chamber. It takes six bullets.

It's literally, you got the comedy star, half the people you talk to will tell you, yeah, I was shot in the head a few years ago. You're like, well, how are you here? I've got a terminal disease. I have chronic brain damage. Comedy Star like, why are you here? I've got a terminal disease. I have chronic brain damage. Comedy Store's

the only place I've ever been around where there was a guy literally execution style shot in the head on the patio. What? In a crowded place.

It was like a hit. They never caught the guy because everyone's like, I mean, it's the Comedy Store. Who cares?

Yeah. He blends in. They go, how are we going to interview everybody here? They're all sociopaths. And then everyone went and did coke at Jeff Ross's.

Exactly. They didn't care. They just walked right over to his place and did coke in a hot tub. No one really cares. No, nobody cares. Nobody cares. They claim there that they're the Isle of Misfit Toys. I've seen that in writing.

That's what they say. Yeah, the Isle of Misfit Toys. That we are the Isle of Misfit Toys. We are the Isle of Misfit Toys. They're all the fucked up toys under Sid's bed in Toy Story. The accused murderer is on the stand going like, God damn, I'm a misfit toy, guys. He says, Your Honor,

Your Honor, it's a small community of misfit toys. You shot him in the head, though, sir. He goes, Well, we had an argument. I'm a misfit toy. I was a misfit toy. Like, you shot him in the head, though, sir. He goes, well, we had an argument. I'm a misfit toy. I was a misfit toy. Dude, you fucking, half the time at the Comedy Store, any, like, the line to the bar, it could just be a line for people to turn themselves in.

Like, they might as well be getting up to the front and putting their thumb on, like, ink and, like, being booked. No, the, like the headliner posters, it should just be their mugshot. Yeah. Well, none of them get arrested. Jeff Ross is like fucking, isn't he like Lolita?

Doesn't he have a whole... Yeah, nowhere near as good of a writer. No, no, no. Not as eloquent, but... There's a whole famous thing about Jeff Ross. He was bringing 15-year-olds to the clubs. He's got his comeuppance, though, because he gets to tell Laffy Taffy jokes

in arenas with Dave Chappelle. I heard that that famous one was fake. He's not doing well, you know? Yeah, no. What did you say, Joey? The famous one was fake, I will say. I heard that was fake. I don't know,

but that chick that came out and said he mentored me and grew me and then fucked me when I was a kid. I heard that that was like fucking debunked. But he I'm sure he's up to no good. I'm sure he's fucking other kids. I'm sure it was debunked. I think a lot of people attested to like, yeah, he was with some young woman. I heard like she was out of her mind.

Like she was like fucking is watching cartoons in her head and shit. Whatever. It's comedy. I mean, why else does he want to go to jails all the time? He's like, hey, this is... It's where all the sex offenders are. Because he's learning how to perform in his future. In his future home. Like Marcus Aurelius, when he would go look at homeless people and be like,

I'm just so... If this happens to me, I'm ready. You know how Johnny Cash was like an ex-felon, so he'd go to Folsom Prison. He felt bad for that. Jeff Ross is like, I should be totally locked up. He's at the Chomo wing. He's like, I have to go entertain all the pedophiles. Those are my people.

You guys remember that? That's where I felt comfortable. Remember the period of time in 2020 when like everyone was- I don't know if he's a pedophile, but go on. Who knows? Just throw it on us. Jeff Ross is a pedophile. I'll accuse everyone of being a registered sex offender.

Allegedly. Let's say that. Everyone probably is. A sex offender who's not convicted in the court of law, I will accuse everyone of being. I'll throw that out. Randomly. No evidence. I could have dreamed it.

I could have dreamed that someone told me it. This isn't a courtroom. I'll tell people. Last night I had a dream that so-and-so, I heard they were a pedophile in my dream. How fucked up is that? A lot of people are saying it's true, though. You act like a wolf when your girlfriend wakes up and you cheated on her in a dream and she

gets to be legitimately upset at you. Instead, we do that. We just put people away. upset at you. Instead, we do that we just put people away. I have a high school friend who we hang out since we were kids, but there's

this one little girl. One of our other friends has a kid. What's going on here, bro? Joey was admitting, we all get fucked up with this little girl. So this little girl, like our other friends has a little kid. We'll all be hanging out and she'll

be like, get him away from me. Like she's creeped out by him. Uh oh. And they've never like been alone together or anything like that, but she just is like, something's creepy about him. Oh, the kid gets a vibe. She's good. The kid gets a vibe. It's like a dog. And then like my mom loves to bring it up all the time where like

if he comes up, she goes, you know, that girl didn't like him. Like just going like, I bet he's a a dog. And then like my mom loves to bring it up all the time where like if he comes up, she goes, you know, that girl didn't like him. Like just going like, I bet he's a pedophile. Just throwing pedophilia on an innocent man. Just cause some dumbass kid. You let someone hold your baby and he starts crying and you're like, what the fuck? What did you do in your past? I told Ben it's at the point where if you have a kid I'm like you're a pedophile

you say you don't even want to hang out with your own kids because you don't want to be a pedophile I wrote half of a sketch we might do at some point where it's you have a kid and I'm like dude and we all act like you're a pedophile it's all fucked up I have to get it aborted now

when I have to get it aborted now. When I have my daughter, I'm going to have an open-door policy with her just so no one accuses me of anything. I'm going to be like a professor at a university. I'm never alone with her. You wear a body cam at all times. By the way, I asked, so Ben, he was coming

to the pod and he's like, I gotta talk to my pregnant wife about this. And we realized that he's basically Steven Crowder. Yeah. And I haven't expressed this out loud to Jace or Devin because I don't want them making this into a bit on Lemon Party. But then Joey sniffed this out like a

fucking truffle pig. And found this fear of mine. He's like, let me ask my pregnant wife. Because I have the same setup as Steven Crowder. You do. You have the same exact place. No, go ahead. Explain it very eloquently.

You run a podcast. You do a podcast for a living. You have one car that you share with a pregnant wife. That's right. Yeah. You're racist. Is he smoking cigars? You'd say the N-word in private.

And then, no, so he was like, well, I need to see if she needs the car and maybe she'll have to go somewhere. But he's like, listen. Yeah, Ben's like, I'm reenacting George Floyd's death tonight. I can't come by. He's like, I'm getting monkey pox from John

Knopf in a basement. I can't hang out with you tonight. You know, I'll leave you some snacks or something. Oh, sorry. I'll get a new wire. Hey, listen, we don't have lemon party money here. It's like a $20 cable. By the way, that's the sickest hoodie ever. Ben says he's giving that to me. Oh, yeah, I'm giving this to you. I'll put it on record. I gotta get one of those. that's the sickest hoodie ever. Ben says he's giving that to me.

Oh, yeah, I'm giving this to you. I'll put it on record. I gotta get one of those. That's fucking sick. Merch will be coming soon, I guess. We're still figuring out the right quality. I love that hoodie. Yeah, he's just cold, though.

He doesn't really want the Lemon Party stuff. No, I'm just a fan of the original Lemon Party. I think that's why it's cool. Even if you don't like the podcast, people should buy that just to rep Lemon Party. I think that's why it's cool. Even if you don't like the podcast, people should buy that just to rep Lemon Party. I'll be repping both, but in my mind, I'm like, I hope people recognize this from... We should change the name of Haywatch to

Meatspin. That's good. It was like rival Goatsy. Tub Girl. You guys should change the concept of the show because Google... I mean, like you said, it's a beautiful thing what we do because no one tells us what to do. Like you're out at the comedy store, you're telling people to go fuck themselves.

It's great. Google isn't there to take, to turn the lights off. That is cool. Here, I mean, I can't find your guys' show anywhere. You guys get like 14 views all of a sudden. We just get hammered and don't try. It's our fault. We like to claim we're shadow banned.

It's not our fault. Sure. No, you guys are getting shadow banned now. There might be a little bit of that, and then we do get banned all the time. We got a strike. You guys asked me to come on not to hang out with me. You said we need an algorithm. I love you.

I want to hang out all the time, but we did need. We have you on all the time. We're not trying to use you. I would just go out all the time, but we did need... We have you on all the time. We're not trying to use you. I would just go play fucking chess with you at the park. But, no, yeah. We've been getting banned. Joey's mic is all fucked up. It's so funny.

It just keeps going out. It's a goddamn... Don't you guys have a fifth mic hooked up here? I don't know. Somebody stole it or something. Anyways, we're getting banned. Ben's here to boost the listenership. It's a goddamn Do you guys have a fifth mic hooked up here? I don't know Somebody stole it or something Yeah Anyways We're getting Ben's here to boost

The listenership Well we We only got fucked With the views on the last episode Because I had to release two In the same day Yeah To make the order correct

And the band can't help It's also so funny Just like You know We talk about how Just I don't even know How people know

How to click on things There's so These fans These people There's so I release the, these people, there's so... I release the old episode and then release the new one right after and people on the old episode are like, this is last week's app!

Well, it's because they're... And then they'd yell at me if I didn't post it! There are listeners who don't follow so closely that they know one got banned. They're just like, oh, let me click. Oh, that's the new app. They're done thinking about it. Yeah, but not all of our listeners are on our Patreon,

so I had to post it for the regular people. The best thing, someone messaged us today that they go, I've listened to all 50 episodes of Lemon Party. I didn't know you guys

weren't only on Patreon and that there was a YouTube channel. He had no clue there's public episodes. He had no idea there was public episodes. He's like,

I'm binging the podcast now. God, it must be beautiful to be that retarded. Like, just so glorious. He's retarded, but he figured out how, and it's a guy for sure. But he figured out how to get $5 in a bank account. Yes. Set up with the government and everything. He's like, my grandson.

He typed the numbers in. He knows how to type in his security code. He goes, the security code's like my numbers in security code security codes those three numbers but he doesn't know how to find the public episode he knows how to put enough money into the account so the five dollars doesn't get declined that's

literally doesn't know the show is on YouTube or Apple or Spotify or anything that's like a guy watching many saints of Newark and then like months later being like wait this is based on a show? He goes, you know they have TV episodes on that.

He goes, there's a TV show about that. You know what it is? The fact that he's been paying for this whole time, it's like coming home with a bunch of bottles of water that you bought at the store. And then turning on your sink and going, what the hell? This stuff comes out of the sink for free? Nobody's been, what the hell? I've been bathing in Dasani my whole life. Looking at water bottles like,

this shit is the same stuff in my shower. What the hell? It's just crazy. I think people are just so, they're on Benzoszos they're on drugs no you imagine who knows what's going on with these people

I blame benzos for about like 99% of every comment that you read where it's like okay this is troubling they're on benzos or they're schizophrenic

you know those insane people in small towns that are just walking down the highway oh yeah and people just see them all the time and there's no sidewalk

that person has Skullcandy headphones in and he's listening to like Lemon Party and Hey Watch. He's got the Cookie Monster sweater on. Yeah. Somebody was on the Patreon being like, I just checked the Patreon. I never look at comments. I had no idea the Hey Watch fan base was full of incels that think it's funny to say like words like faggy.

Yeah, no shit. And I'm like, I mean, come on. Your first time watching. Are you kidding me? Of course. You're not listening to the show? No, you got it. What else would it. And I'm like, I mean, come on. Your first time watching. Are you kidding me? Of course. You're not listening to the show? No, you got it. What else would it be?

What else would they be doing? Bingo. Yeah. That's our target demo, baby. Sherlock Holmes over here. Our main goal on Lemon Party is to get retarded people to read Blood Meridian. That's like the whole point, basically. Yeah, I mean, the show is almost, it's also almost targeted harassment at some point.

We have a crucifix that's blank to start the show and then every 10 minutes we nail a new person on the cross and we light it on fire and we point at them and call them dead. And then we do that on Haywatch too and that's why we get in trouble because we actually show the whole thing. And people do get mad that we only

have the monitor behind me on the show but I do that for a reason. For a reason. You're smart. Aesthetic. And still, I get copyright strikes for stuff. Oh, is that why?

I have to be really careful. See, I fucking knew. It's weird. I knew it was a rig. I was just like, we got banned, and I'm like, we have to talk to Ben.

He never gets banned. It's because we play the exact thing. Yeah. That's why. The whole point is called hate watch. What do you want out of me? Well, we should get a TV behind us. You guys should set it up vertical in this room because it's very long and then have

the TV like behind you. Or you can set the TV into the table maybe. Also, Lemon Party's less famous than a lot in watching stuff. Yarmul's is in LA. No, we can watch shit. You guys are changing the concept of the show right here, right now. Ben Avery, producer extraordinaire. Listen to me.

It's meet, spin the show. What experience do spin the show you don't know anything about podcasting listen to me meet spin the show you guys all have sex with each other that's what everyone wants that's what everyone wants john of course is you're a dominant man i'm on the bottom yeah because you're a dominatrix guy you were for a while or do you not talk about that? Oh, whatever. Okay. He doesn't want to talk about it. Remember the Dom Daddy days?

Yeah, back in the Dom Daddy days. You had a website called- You had a whole Dom Daddy days. In my early 20s, yeah. She set life or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He saw an ad, and it was just a girl on it. She was crying.

She's like, I was molested, and I need dick now. Oh, my God. And he clicked on it. You've talked about it before. Next to the march, send some fucking Bart. John would be like, I'm breaking into some chick's house tonight. I gotta pretend to be her father.

John was the machine for the 8mm. I gotta crawl in through her window with a pair of pliers and a water pistol that I spray painted black. If I wanna come tonight, I have water pistol that I spray painted black. If I want to come tonight, I have to crawl through a doggy door. She said I have to beat her until she almost dies.

He goes, give me a second. I'll respond to you. Let me just unzip my gimp mask. Take off my leather apron. We should watch some shit. Should we watch something? Yeah, let's watch something.

No, this is Meat Spin, the podcast, please. Okay, we're all just getting a big stack. We have a new producer, Ben Avery. We're going to put that in the credits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's going to be the title produced by Ben Avery. No, no, no. Don't put my name in the title.

I want Lemon Party getting a shout-out. Maybe that's the episode name. That's what I'm saying. Produced by Ben Avery. That's what's going to happen. I'm sorry, but you already agreed to it. That's fine. It's on.

Yeah, we haven't recorded it. That's fine. Okay, so try to think about it. Wait, we're recording this? I'll see, but you already agreed to it. We haven't recorded it. We're recording this? I'll see you in court. I said horrible things about Jeff Ross. Okay, what are we watching here, Devin? Did you guys see Biden in Maui? He visited Maui and he's just so out of touch.

He's making jokes about how the floor is hot. I did not see this. There's a fire that killed probably a thousand people. Like I think still like 850 people missing. Dude, did he get fat? He kind of looks fat in the video. Is he getting tits? I think he's too old to get fat at this point.

No, he's fatter. He's at the age where you just start. Oh wow, look at those tits. He's fatter. He starts losing weight. Holy fuck. Look at him. He's like, ah, it's Look at those tits. He starts losing weight. Holy fuck. Look at him. He's like,

ah, it's a pleasure to be here at Islands. Fine burgers and drinks. He's trying to fuck the dog. He's like, you guys got that big kahuna burger here?

Yeah. I heard there was a kitchen fire. A big kahuna. What's that bullshit people That hear Hawaiian Oh no Hawaiian Oh no

Yeah yeah yeah I like Ono Oh no it's great If you're hungover and shit It's great That's all That's the only time I get it to be honest

But I love Ono If you want to eat A pound of rice Covered with like Mayonnaise With fried chicken With a sweet sauce Over it

8,000 calories of sugar in the sauce. And then they give you a little macaroni salad and shit. That macaroni salad is the best macaroni salad I've ever had.

It's amazing. It's unbelievable. What is it? H&H or L&L Hawaiian barbecue as well? I've only had O&M. Wonderful places. Wonderful places.

And, you know, they exist for, like, for people that grew up on, like, you know, like, Spam, Musubi, those things. Hey, guys, Patreon. We're doing more on Ono. Come back.

It's five bucks a month. Patreon, big breakdown of Ono. But here, I don't know. Biden just says. He goes, you guys catch the boots out here? You guys, the floor's hot. What is it? Is there a fire here?

He's like an old tinker in the turn of the century or something. You guys catch the boots out here? You guys catch the boots out here? You know, with an oil fire, you can't use water to put it out. He made some. He spoke about it, and he just started talking about his. He keeps doing a thing where he just started Talking about like his Like he He keeps doing a thing

Where he just brings He has to relate Every tragedy To something that Happened to him His son dying or some shit He was like He was like

We had a house fire In Delaware And we lived across the street From a fire department He was Hunter Smoking rock For the first time He was nine years old

Yeah Hunter was using A big lighter this time And he hit the whole house He goes like Our cat almost died And then he goes He was nine years old. Yeah, Hunter was using a big lighter this time. He lit the whole house on fire. He goes like, our cat almost died. And then he goes, well, enough. He goes, enough of the jokes. Hunter's trying to light his crack pipe off an Easy-Bake oven.

It would be funny, by the way, if he landed in Hawaii and he turned to one of his assistants and he's like, now remind me, did Hunter start this fire? It's just a regular kind of... He has no idea anymore. Everywhere he goes, he's like, this is Hunter, right? Hunter did this. Did Hunter storm the Capitol? Hi, I'm back. He's like,

with Zelensky, he's like, I'm so sorry about what Hunter did. It would be funny if this has all been Joe The whole time And then he blames it on his son He uses him as a scapegoat Oh that's good Like Joe's been smoking crack

And fucking whores And getting AIDS Yeah I like that They just invert everything And actually in all the text messages Hunter just speaks about himself In third person

Yeah He's talking about the president That's quite good Yeah Maybe Hunter Biden, maybe Joe Biden fucked his son's widow. I think... Which would be really cool, actually.

He fucked his son's widow for sure, and I also think that it's probably like an Illuminati son, where they only had a son for a cover. Yeah. Here's an alibi. I'm giving birth to an alibi. Yeah, yeah.

And Hunter was just some guy from an orphanage that they hired to do this. Some bottler orphan sort of guy to come in. His adrenochrome wasn't good and so they let him live. They depleted his levels and were like, alright, you'll still be you'll just stand here and we'll say you smoked crack.

You have another purpose. In all likelihood though, Joe Biden probably molested his entire family and that's why his mother, that's why his wife took the lives of her children and herself in a car accident. Murder or suicide. Because she knew if she went to the police

she'd be killed and they'd certainly torture her children and she said, I'm going to save you from the wrath of creepy Joe Biden who was a huge pervert. He only has kids to sniff them. That's the whole purpose. He thinks they're scratching sniffs. He just wants to sniff. He calls them Tootsie Pops.

Nothing Joe Biden loves more than sniffing a four-year-old girl who's incredibly uncomfortable. And for whatever reason, it's on camera all the time. 20-minute highlight tapes. That is horny behavior. I don't care what anybody says. That's a sexual thing that he's doing if you had footage

of that of any family member you would not invite them to any more like get together not at all if the footage that we have of Joe Biden

sniffing children and they're like very uncomfortable a girl frowned at my friend and he's a forever known as a pedophile Joe Biden is out there like molesting girls

and sniffing them and they're almost crying. You wouldn't even sniff a pie, by the way. No. The way he's digging it, it's crazy. He's going in the hair and shit. It's super horny sniffing. I like the adjustment there.

He's like a pedophile sommelier. He's sniffing kids' hair. He's like, oh, the notes. This one's nine years old. Is that chocolate in this? It's nutty. Yeah. He sucks. He'll die soon, though. Probably, right? I imagine. That was

great. Trump said, I don't think he's gonna make it to the end of this. He said, I don't think he has much time left. I don't think he'll make it to the end. I could be wrong, but I'm usually not. He's the only guy whose body is... He's the only president who will be assassinated by his body. Yeah, his

head just explodes because he had a thought. And the back of his head blows up like John F. Kennedy while he's in a motorcade. By the way, he's the only president you could assassinate with spitting a ball out of a straw. You could assassinate him with a

spitball out of dairy cream. It would go clean through his head and kill him. You could kill him with a tongue twister. You could turn up the air conditioning a little too high. And you wouldn't make it through the night. Yeah, the FBI's investigating wind. Who left a fan on?

Who left a damn fan on? It's like a little gypsy man. Yeah, well, he's filled it with a fan. His skin flew off his fucking face. Yeah, he sucks ass. Joey, which one of these body cam videos do you think is the best? Boyfriend beater is convinced the laws don't apply to her. No, no, no.

Go to... Alleged child predator goes to the hood and gets what's coming. Oh, no, no, no. Italian man the devil is brought out of an Italian man at his drive-thru. Oh, shit. That's body cam? It's a... No, it's a guy.

Italian man. Which one is he? Rich Karen meets Karma after drunk driving accident. FBI agent's dad thinks he's above the laws. No, no's a guy. Italian, man. Which one is it? Rich Karen meets karma after drunk driving accident. FBI agent's dad thinks he's above the law. No, no, no. Oh, that would be good. Keep going. There it is. It's Reddit.

McDonald's parking lot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the best fucking video I've ever seen. Oh, man. Ooh, la la. Ben. Let's fucking go. Reddit is down the hall and to the left, Joey.

I bet this video's LeEpic. Oh, because it must be a lemon party inside joke, these fucking fruitcakes. No, LeEpic is like a Reddit way they speak. We're not on Reddit because we're bears. We don't do that kind of gay shit. Oh, there's plenty of gay guys on Reddit. John's huge on Reddit.

Are you kidding me? That's what I'm saying. You guys are gay. You're all gay on Reddit. We don't go on there. Somebody said this to me. Play it. It's very good. I love Reddit. Are you kidding me? That's what I'm saying. You guys are gay. You're all gay on Reddit. We don't go on there. Somebody said this to me. Play it. It's very good.

I love Reddit. There's a heckin' good dog that goes on there. Yeah. Yes. Okay. I found this little guy by the train tracks last night.

Beautiful little puppy. It's in a basket. Chef's kiss. Chef's kiss. Get the fuck out of here, man. You do it, bro. You got a problem. You do it.

You motherfucking do it. You bring this devil out of me, motherfucker. You bring this fucking devil out of here, man. You do it, bro. You got a problem. You do it. You motherfucking do it. You bring this devil out of me, motherfucker. You bring this fucking devil out of me, and I'll break your jaw, motherfucker. Motherfucker. You bring this devil out of me. It's a terrifying start, I'll say that, because they're both jacks. Yeah, they're huge. And the Italian guy, he sounds kind of like a modern Frankie Valli.

He's about to get weird. You can tell how they're squaring up, by the way. They have the same brain. Yes. The same temperament. They could switch places. It wouldn't matter. Yeah.

This is Tommy Pope after Devin was on his podcast. This is... Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Is he holding a kitchen sink? Yeah, what is he angry about? What's this black dude holding? I think it's a first base.

I think he stole home. And now he's wandering around Met Stadium. You put Mike Piazza's fucking home plate back, you cocksucker. The only dude arrested for stealing home. If you touch me, I'm going to punch your ass to the ground. If you touch me, I will bust your ass. So go ahead and touch me. Italians hate black people so much.

But it's like, you're in me. I know you're secretly in me. And I hate it. By the way, can I tell you why I'm definitely racist? I just realized. Yeah. I assume that the person filming from inside the car is related to the Italian guy. Just because they're in a car.

And I assume the black guy was a guy on the street. I'm now realizing that whoever is friends with the black guy is filming from inside the car. Well, no, this is a random guy. He's not related to any of them. Oh, he just stumbled upon this. Yeah, yeah. Like Pokemon Go.

They're all in line for a drive-thru at McDonald's. Oh, okay, okay. And the black guy is shirtless, so it's not that crazy to see. You see some of the craziest things in your life while waiting in a drive-thru. I don't know why that is it's because it's probably uh last call just happened everybody's fucked up yeah like let's get um now i got the munchies they're all hammered they're impatient they're drinking and driving and they and people are spinning this like luciferian vortex around the drive-thru it's like like summoning something from the deep. It is.

It's crazy what you're summoning by circling. You can't circle a jack-in-the-box seven times without Satan coming up. Well, because when it's late at night and you want to get food, it's biblical. There's drunk people that don't have cars that are like, they want food, and so there's a bunch of drunk people waiting in line at the drive-thru, just standing, trying to make vroom noises

and shit, pretend they're a car car so they don't get served it's it's an insane uh you know combination of people but yeah you're i mean listen i get it's the shirtless thing it's like you're not racist he's shirtless i mean you imagine is like kind of a crazy person there's a crackhead or yeah yeah if you're shirtless with a pizza box outside of a McDonald's at whatever, 2 a.m., whatever this is, you're homeless or you just escaped your parents' basement. You escaped Shutter Island. Exactly. If you're outside of a

McDonald's holding separate food from a different fast food place, something's up. By the way, Le Lifehack, I found out you could buy a birthday cake at McDonald's. What? Yeah, for like $29.99. You roll up to the drive-thru and you could buy a birthday cake at McDonald's. What? Yeah, for like $29.99. You roll up to the drive-thru and you ask for a birthday cake, they have them in the

freezer. And on the cake it says, let's party. Is it a McDonald's color? Is it like orange and yellow or whatever? No, it's white and then the letters are just like red and blue, like barely stenciled on. So weird. Yeah. In case you need an emergency birthday. That can't be at every McDonald's. Apparently so. Apparently this is a thing. Yeah. They have them in an emergency birthday. That can't be at every McDonald's. Apparently so.

Apparently this is a thing. Yeah. They have them in the freezers. Try it out, guys. Let's freeze. You heard that here first. Hey, Matty Ratt, go try that. Yeah, go get it, Matty. I got it.

And if they don't give it to you, if they don't give it to you, you should get a, pull a knife out or something. He's trying to like MK him. He's trying to MK all this. He's trying to figure out what his trigger is. He's trying to turn Matty Ratt into the Manchurian candidate. We've been trying to activate MK him He's trying to figure out what his trigger is

He's trying to turn Matty Rat into the Manchurian candidate We've been trying to activate Matty Rat Activate Man imagine if the show Actually like got really big Like it'd be really bad If he did something No no no I'm saying like what Joey

Like if Joey's like yeah I found nine new people Who might blow up a government building this week. I'm going to see if I can feed him something on the episode to make something really go down. You would orchestrate a fight club if the podcast blew up, is what I'm saying. You would have a bunch of guys living in a condemned house

going out. Joey wants us on Treadstone. I would love to run a Treadstone. You wouldn't use the podcast for pussy or money or anything like that. You would just be like, how can I organize an elite group of terrorists? It would go right back to that. I'd reinvest in a shadow ops team, and we would have sleeper cells, and I would pay for their college like Jack Nicholson from The Departed.

And then when they were old enough, they, you know, get into the FBI. And then, you know, 20 years later, now I've got. Oh, so you do a long con sort of thing. I've got a dozen guys. You've got a guy in the Department of Defense. You've got a guy in DARPA. Exactly. Designing weapons.

You have a guy. At the IRS. At the IRS. He's cooking the books. Sure. And then, yeah, and we meet at diners and we sit in booths opposite from each other. And we talk. We pretend to be on the the phone but we're talking to each other sure based on how you're ordering exactly coats sure ask for some extra napkins that means you know whatever it means it's time to put a little package in the mail. Yeah.

That means it's time to see the postman. If you know what I mean. Hey, did your mom get that gift for Christmas that you were going to send? And then that's code for Nancy Pelosi getting assassinated with the bomb. Yeah. There we go. And if you do the speech from five easy pieces, that means you have to kill each other. Perfect.

You all pull out guns and you kill each other. It becomes Jonestown. Yeah. Sure. Why don't you put the bomb between your legs? All right. Sorry. There must be a big ending here.

First of all, how dare you? This is already fireworks. There's a psychopathic Italian man here. Bring the devil out of me. Is there a reason? Do we know what they did? What he did? It was a drunk homeless guy probably asking him for money.

And then he was just like, he probably used to kill people. This Italian man. And now he's on the straight and narrow and what we're seeing is a glimpse into just he doesn't seem like the killing type in the comments they say the same thing you let me let this out let me let it out

come on come on this is gonna be great you sure he's Italian Let it out! Come on! Come on! This is going to be great. No, I'm not following you. You sure he's Italian? How could he be Puerto Rican, guys? Yeah, he could be Dominican. No, no, that's a lie.

Come here, Bapa. Oh, Bapa? Come here. Yeah, you come here. Yeah, you come. Don't let it out. He just starts jacking him up. Put your pizza away.

Put your pizza. He's Italian. Come here. Come here. Put your pizza away. Put your pizza. He's Italian. Come here. Come here. I'll put the evil where it belongs. Put the evil where it belongs. Your ass. Because I'm going to cut a fucking hole in that pizza box and shove my fucking cock to it.

We all have an evil inside of us. We all have a feather teeny afraid that we're living in our bones. I'm gonna wait. I am gonna wait. You fucked with the wrong nigga. You're a big county nigga. I'm surprised the black guy's the first

to say the N-word in the video. Shocked, actually. Nigga always go for the wrong. I'm afraid Shocked, actually. By the way, the Italian guy corrects him. He goes, you're saying it the wrong.

You're forgetting the ER. By the way, let me ask you a question. You're acting like he's all talk, but he can't

walk the walk. Who, the Italian? Yeah, right? That's what you're saying? He just seems kind of like just like a drunk like What do you think would happen though

if the homeless guy like pushed him? I think he'd fight. He would fucking go crazy. This guy's not homeless. By the way we're being racist again just because he's black

with his shirt on he's not homeless. It could just be a summer night It might just be a summer night in like DeKalb County, Florida. It's probably in like Florida. If you're shirtless with a pizza box outside of McDonald's in the middle of the night, sweating, you're homeless.

It could have been hot. Regardless of race. It could be a hot night. He's got like a dad hat on. Why are you in a parking lot at McDonald's with a pizza? He seems like a hip black guy with the dad hat on. He's kind of taking back the hat. Could you give me a scenario where

a guy with kids is in a parking lot eating pizza with shirtless in the middle of the night yelling at an Italian man? Yeah, the end of Brian Cowan's career. You're being woke. And I think the commenters are going to be like, he was obviously homeless. Devin is woke.

I don't know if he's obviously homeless. He could just be a guy that has multiple kids. He runs a business. And, well, you're being a little weird. I think even black people will go like, yeah, dude, he's homeless. He's not obviously homeless. Moving on.

Let me see the pants. I know a lot of- We can judge by the pants. There's people in the hood that just hold food. They hold their Little Caesars hot and ready, and they fucking, they yell, and then they go back to, they do have a house. I knew black guys with no shirt that would leave the dorm all the time and go get food and come back.

Yeah. And they just were pretty much naked. Yeah. Would they chill in parking lots and yell at Italian men? They would yell at me. Well, because you were saying the N-word, probably. Oh, that's right. But I was, you know, practicing my octave

ranges. I wish you'd be a singer at the time. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Sorry, folks. I was in the choir. Hey, he's a choir boy. You want to yell at somebody, you want to cancel somebody, you cancel the choir teacher.

Yeah, I'm a baritone. I'm practicing. It's called free association. I don't know what's coming out of my mouth. Just what the life is. Instead of like, fa-la-la-la-la, Ben's like, na-na-na-na. just what? Instead of like,

fa la la la la, Ben's like, na na na na. Na na na na. Now, this guy is either released from jail the day before or homeless.

He probably plays for the Florida Gators. To be frank. By the way, Joey, a million dollars says he's not homeless. I don't think he's homeless.

He's not homeless. If he's not homeless, he just got released from jail and he's sleeping at his mom's house. Joey, I'll tell you this. The more clothes a black guy is wearing, the less likely he is to be homeless. I'm sorry. The more he's wearing, the more likely he is to be homeless. Because he needs a jacket and shit. Well, I think the more they eat pizza outside of McDonald's in the middle of the night,

yelling at, getting into screaming matches, threatening to kill Italian people, I would say they're more likely to be homeless. Or they just got released from jail. They've got, he's unhinged. Either way, unhinged. I think you're racially profiled. You're acting like the black guy. This is bizarre, honestly.

That is famous online for saying the N-word. No one's going to buy this spin. He's like trying to virtue signal his way. Now, everybody knows that about Penn. Everybody that talks to him about Penn. I've never said that. Yeah, right. The Italian guy's being way crazier.

He's like stoking this whole thing. I know, and that's what I'm saying. A sane person would be that. The Italian guy's being way crazier. He's like stoking this whole thing. I know, and that's what I'm saying. A sane person would be like, oh, there's a crazy guy yelling, let me get out of here. A homeless guy or a guy that just got released from jail

is going to be like, let me get into a shouting match with this fucking psychotic Italian man. Okay, Joey, I was roommates with a black football player in college. All right? Quit bragging.

It was a thing I set up from Craigslist. Wow. It was Aaron Hernandez. He just thought he was black. He never wanted to put a shirt on because he was... He was a bull and my wife wouldn't let him. I'm not doing a bit here.

He would rub cocoa butter all over his body. He shirtless his body. And then he wouldn't put a shirt on after that. And he would go to Chick-fil-A and stuff. And since he was six foot seven, being shirtless is a very small part of the equation.

They just wouldn't ask him to put a shirt on. Being shirtless is a very small part of this equation. Ben's probably leaving out that he forced the guy to get shirtless. He would measure his pecs and check his gums every morning. He's like, back when I was a race scientist in college.

Of course. I studied phrenology. All right. Well, let's get to the bottom of this video. Let's get to the end here. There's no big climax here. Joey's race. Now he's acting like the shirt was never part of it. If the guy was wearing a shirt,

Joey would have never thought any of this. You're backed into a corner now. Frankly, you're racist. Ben's right. If he wore a shirt, he'd look more homeless. If he had a nice shirt on, then sure, I'd be like, oh, possibly... He'd be obviously homeless if he was wearing a shirt that was like, you know, like... I need my morning cup of sarcasm.

Homeless guys always wear weird, like, you know, Target... Homeless guys always wear weird hot topic shirts. Yeah, hot topic shirts and shit. Joe is just a cuck for whites. Yeah, honestly, Joe. You're just cucking for whites and that's fine. You're a race traitor and you're woke. You were racist there.

I'm willing to admit I'm a little racist. You started the race traitor. You started the race traitor. Black viewers message me and they go thank you for being the one guy who's like, they say John's into eugenics. They say Devin thinks black people are dumb. They're like, Ben says the N-word. That's what they say.

No, they don't. And they say that. A lot of them say that. A lot of them say that. A lot of them. A lot of them say it. It's very disgusting. Anyways, guys, I'll keep being real.

We're on the same page. Want to know why he's not homeless? He's got decent underwear on. He's wearing... How do you know? That's a game. Is that a brief? Is it a game?

Because he's sagging. 2016 Fruit of the Loom. He's sagging his pants, and he's wearing those boxer briefs that look like silky boxer briefs. Are you trying to segue? Black guys have to wear those because they got such big dicks. He's segueing into a sheath hat.

He's like, these black guys need a separate patch for their balls. I think there's a pizza place next to the McDonald's. The guy picked up a pizza. An altercation happened in line. Yeah, all right. It's a homeless guy. Go on. Let's keep watching.

All right. Let's see what this black homeless guy does. Come on. Bring it. I'll a homeless guy. Go on. Let's keep watching. Let's see what this black homeless guy does. Bring it. I'll let it out. I want to let it out, bro. Come on. I'll let it out. Black guy sounds way more normal than him. The guy goes, I'm gonna let it out. I'm gonna let it out. And the black guy goes,

alright, come on. Let it out. He didn't sound like that. He said, let it out. Casually. He goes, alright, let it out. I would say the Italian guy's crazier, but I think that the black guy is homeless. All right. Okay. Okay. These are your...

These are the stats. This is on the internet forever. We'll keep it on. By the way, I ran into Kevin Garnett at a gas station two weeks ago, and his pants were sagging. Yeah. You did? You ran into Kevin Garnett?

I thought I told you that. No. When I went to get ice for the... did? You ran into Kevin Garnett? I thought I told you that. No. When I went to get ice for the- Are you sure it was Kevin Garnett? I swear to God, because I asked a black- You know who Kevin Garnett is? Yes, because of Uncut Gems, obviously.

He wears skinny jeans, but he sags his skinny jeans. They were sagging a little bit. But they sag skinny jeans. And I took note of him, and I was like, okay, either you think that's just a really tall black guy,

and you think that's Kevin Garnett, or that's fucking Kevin Garnett. I took note of how tall he was, and I was like, I think either you think that's just a really tall black guy and you think that's Kevin Garnett or that's fucking Kevin Garnett. I took note of how tall he was. I was like, I think he's about seven foot. Where were you? And I went and Googled it. It was at the gas station by my house. Damn, he lives in Tar Heeler.

And then I turned to the security guard. I turned to the security guard and I was like, what? Kevin Garnett? And he goes, yeah. Oh, he was like upset at you. I will say. He was upset that I even had to ask. I'm like, is that Tiger Woodsarnett? And he goes, yeah. Oh, he was upset at you. I will say. He was upset that I even had to ask. I'm like, is that Tiger Woods, or is that just an Asian black guy?

That's awesome. Kevin Garnett's one of the- I also went to a legend. He got in a Mercedes, by the way, like an EO, like a small thing. He got in a tiny Mercedes? Yeah, it was like a tarantula getting down into it. It was crazy. I don't even know how he got in it.

I bet he has it custom made. Those guys have to get their cars custom made. Those guys have to get their cars custom made. Shaq had to get all his cars custom made so he could fit in them. Well, Jay said Kevin Garnett's filming

a show out here so that makes sense. He films a bunch of podcast shows and stuff. Also, I went to the DMV with Ben one time and the guy helping us behind the counter,

we walked away and Ben goes, Kevin Garnett works here. He does it at TSA every time we fly. Every time I fly. Ben's at TSA. He goes, like, Kevin Garnett works here. He does it at TSA every time we fly. Every time I fly. Ben's at TSA, he goes, oh my God, the Los Angeles Lakers?

The guy patting him down, he's like, oh, LeBron! You guys are gonna believe this, my bus driver was Mookie Betts. It was nuts. Anyway, so I go up to Kevin Garnett and I ask him to sign my Furby medallion. And my lawyer is Freddie Freeman.

That's crazy. Yeah, it was really cool. Really cool. Really, really awesome. He was very good in Uncut Gems for being a non-actor. One of the most passionate athletes of all time. Just a beauty to watch. Just a joy to watch.

He would start every game. He'd start almost every game by running over, even if it was a home game and it was his fans. But if it was an opposing game, he'd go a little crazier he'd run over behind the basket he'd pound his chest and he'd go fucking faggot the whole crowd i've seen he would talk to himself like during free like he was insane he cared so being around him it was like a he was like a Greek deity. The way he was walking, he was in such great shape. Jay said he is a stickler on working out, in terms of taking care of his body.

He's incredibly healthy. His work ethic, even for an athlete pertaining to his body, it's crazy how he goes above and beyond. But post-retirement, too. He keeps himself up. He really cares about staying in shape. I knew it was him because I looked at him and I was like, that's not even

a human being. Whatever that is, it's something. That was your answer. No, but good this time. But in a good way. You meant in a good way this time. Because if you look at their ankle bones, technically they're not classified as home-grown sheep.

So Kevin Garnett's standing there, he's shirtless, holding a pizza. When you see an athlete like that in person, you realize you don't even have even... If you put your DNA strand under a microscope next to his, it would look completely completely different there's a hundred people on earth why don't you relax david dude no i mean i'm not saying david no i'm saying under a light if you measured his skull it would be different he goes mr garnett if you uh

if you ever want to think about like you know fighting at my home Here's my... I toss him a hammer. Damn, man. It was really cool to see. He's like 6'9", one of the greatest power forwards of all time. Probably the most outwardly psychotic, passionate basketball player ever. I never watched basketball, but he's one of those guys that gets on your radar because you watch interviews of other basketball

players just telling their story of like, I did practice with him and here's this nightmare story where he was just in my head. He would talk my life because he was so psychotic. He talked to himself and he would headbutt shit. Like he was that type of guy. I love that. He pumped himself up.

Like he, you know, we all know that I love passion. He was, besides Kobe, the most passionate dude in the league. Like, he was crazy. He would psych himself up. He's the type of guy to hit himself. Did he have a rivalry with Kobe? Were they ever rivals? I mean, they played each other in the finals twice.

He was going to come to the Lakers at one point. Was it like different positions or something? Yeah, they were totally. Okay, yeah. So they never were like real enemies? No, not really. That would have been sick. Oh, that's fake by the way. The whole enemies thing in basketball, it's not really a real thing.

It's just media created. Kobe and LeBron never cared about LeBron. Kobe was never like, I can't wait to play LeBron in the finals. It never happened. I know, but he's like, this guy sucks. There's mild versions of it. Yeah, but he's like, I fucking, this guy, it sucks. Like, in his mind, he's like, fuck this guy. There's mild versions of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's usually always, like, a kind of a bum and a legend. And the bum is like, I'm gonna fucking, I'll defend the shit out of him, and I'm gonna get in his head. The bum creates the narrative. And then the legend always destroys him. That's like what Mugsy Bogues and Jordan, where Mugsy, and Mugsy Bogues, he excites to, but Mugsy Bogues has a story where it was, like,-winning shot from like a three-point shot and uh Jordan was guarding him and Jordan just instead of like guarding him and try to block he just stepped back and goes like take the shot you fucking midget yeah and then and then like Muggsy Bokes just like freaked

out and and just like fucking airballed and then then Muggs the Buggs says he never played the same again ever. Yeah, he got into that. Yeah, yeah. No, athletes getting in their own head, it's a really fascinating thing. Like, you know, there was a number one draft pick a few, like four or five years back that people, they claimed it was an injury, but he completely lost his jump shot. All of a sudden, he had this great jump shot. All of a sudden, he had this great jump shot.

All of a sudden, he had this hitch, and he couldn't shoot. And it's a mental thing. It's the yips. There was a guy, Nick Anderson. He played for the Orlando Magic. I think they were in the NBA Finals. He missed four free throws in a row at the end of the game. If he made one of them, they would have won the game.

Forever after that, he couldn't figure it out. He just sucked. It's like performance trauma performance trauma in baseball it happens all the time like a guy just has like a mental break and all of a sudden he can't throw yeah yeah it's crazy he can't throw the first now he has to like underhand the first the brain the brain is everything you could get by you could you could have so many physical you know you could be lower physically lower capable physically. Hey, thanks Huberman. But no, no, no. There's so many guys in professional sports

if they're just mentally tough can get by having not really that many physical attributes. I think that's obvious. You have a great mind and you're LeBron though, mean i think that's obvious yeah yeah you have a great mind and you're lebron though body wise then that's when you're you can do whatever you want yeah yeah yeah yeah lebron lebron is an amazing mind he goes i'll just go to this better team that is a good one i'll just i'll just hang out with with kevin Yeah. LeBron's like, I'm going to run a show at a barbershop.

I want to ask Drake about, you know, what he likes to eat. All right, back to this homeless black guy. Hey. Jelly, you're the one. You set it up this way. When you say it with that hard H. With that. Houseless. Unhousedeless he's a houseless neighbor

oh no you're a smart cracker you think yes yes i see what you're trying to do this guy this guy's i think that's like kodak black he's gonna he's gonna walk into a bentley after this and he's homeless yeah joey's like he's homeless. He's in his Rolls Royce. The guy was at like Magic City earlier that night like blowing like 10 grand. Joey this was the best this was the best video

you've ever seen. That sucked ass. What the fuck is wrong with you? I wouldn't have even made it to the end I would have scrubbed to the end of that saw there was no fight

and then I would have went back to jacking off. Yeah Joey nothing happened there. Nothing happened. But Ben said he would jack off to that. He just said. Oh. No then I'd go back to jacking off to Yeah, Joey, nothing happened there. Nothing happened. But Ben said he would jack off to that. He just said.

Oh. No, then I'd go back to jacking off to something else. Because that would get you so horny. Well, not to that. That would get you so horny. No, that wasn't an hors d'oeuvre, Joe. He said he's going to get horny from that and jack off to it. No.

That's what I fucking heard. I know I said I want to fuck black guys. Well, Jesus. Let's just, let's move on because that's crazy. Who doesn't get horny to a good racial argument in the street? I got to relieve the tension somehow. I have another video. Oh, God.

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And look at our- Free Trump. Free Donald J. Trump. Thanks, Factor. And I swear, this is the best one. Well, he said that was the best thing he's ever seen in his life. No, no, no, this is the best one. Well, he said that was the best thing he's ever seen in his life. No, no, no, this is the best one.

Joey loves hyperbole. He'll often say on the podcast, like, this is the best thing I've ever seen. I promise you. Frankly, you've wasted all of our time. Quite frankly. That's what we're doing here

for a fucking living. That's your job. To waste people's time. I don't have a job. Yeah, podcasting. I guess it's a job. You're wasting people's time. That's your job. To waste people's time. I don't have a job. Yeah, podcasting. I guess it's a job. You're wasting people's time. That's the whole point of it.

Not to be, that's what we're doing. That's what we're all doing. I think we're enriching their time. Yeah. What a positive. I think we make their lives better. I think there's nothing negative about wasting time. I think like that Norm thing, it's like he went to a therapist and he was like, the therapist

was like, I think you're addicted to gambling because you're trying to kill time and norm's like yeah i am isn't that all of life exactly you're just trying to distract yourself from yeah he goes isn't that the point this is a big and then he's like i stumped the therapist i didn't have a response but so that's what we're we're helping people do that which is not negative i think a lot of people are listening to this right now and they're thinking about planning on killing themselves. They've been doing that. They're still going to do that.

They've always done that though, but they're going to feel better about it. It's an inception of, if I'm letting people feel better in their transition to the afterlife, Joey, hell itself is not appetizing. And therefore the road there too must be made of pill. What the fuck is that?

Captain Underpants. Dave Pilkey. Turner Diaries. Turner Diaries. By the way, there's always great quotes like that, and you go, I wonder who said that? And you look it up, and it's literally like an 8th century pedophile.

It's a guy from 700 AD high in something in the Catholic Church that I don't understand who has like 900 victims. They found skeletons. You were allowed to do all that stuff back then. I'm going to text this. You guys have lost kids' teeth.

If this is bad, if this is bad, I swear to God, I owe each one of you a hundred bucks okay wow I know you don't got it on you

no I don't have the cash I'll Venmo you I'll Venmo I'll Venmo everybody a hundred bucks but be honest be objective if this is bad

and by the way try your best to make it funny don't fucking okay and what's the line I'm not gonna bomb on purpose you always weasel your way out of everything

what's the line on a scale of one to ten on purpose. You always weasel your way out of everything. What's the line? On a scale of 1 to 10, how good does this video have to be? It's like above... It's like Rotten Tomatoes. So if it's like 51% good... Oh, fuck you, retard. No, because the last one everybody would say was bad, right? I have this one up.

Yeah, I think everyone said it was bad. So I'm just saying, if everybody says it's above average, then that's all I win. If everybody says it's below average, then I will give you 100 bucks. John, you're pretty good at psychology. What is Joey trying to plan here? Have you ever talked to John? He's good at psychology. He's a Jungian wizard.

Joey's trying to basically finagle all of us into buying into his ODD by BPD. So he's playing chess right now. Yeah, he's playing 4D chess. Zygmunt Fraud. Joey's going to whip me. Zygmunt Fraud. Joey's going to whip me until I piss myself. More like Carl Dung.

Whoever reads her. Put it on Play it Woo Alright Is that Bernie Sanders? I just had to say the same thing It's a Polish guy Who came to America

And thinks that he can do Whatever he wants He survived the Holocaust Exactly Yeah Okay It's 16 minutes long It's Eli Weasel

August 24th 2022 Hell yeah, body cam footage, bro Fuck yeah, cut ahead I don't need the narration We were turning left and Go to the old man, you'll see the old man I'm already getting points for the woman being so fat She's fat as shit, that's funny Thank you for being objective

That's good She's saying this old Polack Just like hit my car and then drove away. Okay. And then so she, who knows? She probably does that. Yeah, but she's fat. She kind of leaves the video.

So I don't want to like. The cop should cite her for being fat. Her car. Her car does look like really tilted to the left. Yeah, he's like, what's the gross tonnage on that fucking Ford Taurus? He goes, I'm going to write you up because you need new suspension. People are starting to look like their cars. Yeah.

No, their cars are skinnier than them. ...house, which threw him off guard. He drove off at first, but later took a U-turn and came back. Hi. Hello. Hello. Hello. Yeah.

How are you going to get out? He doesn't even know how to park in his own driveway. It's better. Can we do a deal over here? Yeah. Are those cicadas? Those are cicadas. Yeah.

Come on, every seven years, though? How does that work? I like every year, honestly. They're everywhere. It's in the south. They're amazing. Iadas, yeah. Come on, every seven years, though? How does that work? Like, every year, honestly. They're everywhere. It's in the South. They're all over. I thought, yeah, I know, but I always read that they burrow for seven years,

and then they bloom. I think it's like a different group, the burrows, and just every year it fucking comes out. They're always like hyper ones. Did you have them in Texas? There's enough of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think they bite people, too.

I remember biting this kid, and he started screaming like a little bitch, and he had to leave the baseball game. Yeah, they're crazy. They're so big. They he had to leave the baseball game. Yeah, they're crazy. They're so big. They're really big. They're gross. Yeah.

Yeah. They're very green. Yeah. I've seen black ones. They're kind of charming. What was that, John? Nothing. Sorry, John.

What was that? Hey, guys, come on. What was that, John? The black ones. Sorry, we have a game of Prometheus here. John's picking up the torch when Joey drops it. John made a vow not to speak that much tonight. I'm about to get a real ass.

Unless it cancels him. All right, so let's get back to this fucking guy. So you got into an accident over on Greenwood. I know. You know? I say I am going to pay for it. Oh, man. He sounds like Sammy Sosa on The Stand. Pretending he doesn't speak any English. I say I pay for it. Oh, man. He sounds like Sammy Sosa on The Stand.

Like, pretending he doesn't speak any English. I say, I don't know. Crash. Illinois law, you have to. What? Illinois law, you have to. You know how they did, like, flags of our fathers and letters of Iwo Jima?

We're trying to explain that to you. This is what the other side of the pianist would have looked like. What? You know how they did, like, flags of our fathers and, like, letters from Iwo Jima? Mm-hmm. This is what the other side of the pianist would have looked like. Oh? If they had the flags of our fathers and letters from Iwo Jima, this is what the other side

of the pianist would have looked like. Oh, that's very funny. That's very funny. That's why Ben's laughing. God damn you. I don't get it. Hold on, explain it.

This is the Polish guy. Look at him. He's the most annoying man on planet Earth. You've seen the pianist, right? Yeah. Yeah. I never want to see it again.

It's horrifying. It's a horrifying movie, but it's one of the best Holocaust movies ever. Schindler's List gets more credit. Penis is better than all of them. Penis is more haunting and it gives you more of it leaves you going like that was a fucked up thing.

You watch it and you go, man, the Holocaust was really bad. Yeah, yeah. Everybody knows that, but I think when you go to, like, Auschwitz and you do a tour and you're like, I'm affected by that. That's what penis does to people.

And then Schindler's List, it's bad and stuff, but I don't think you get that. No, no. Pianist was the most, like, devastating Holocaust movie. Sure, absolutely. Okay, so John, you were were saying that what was your joke what is it no but i want to figure it out here's what it is because it took me like i

was thinking about it for two minutes as joey was talking uh no let me let me ben thank you ben john what john did is he took a puzzle and he dumped it out like this. And he was like, ta-da! And I'm like, give me a second. And I'm moving everything. And we're all supposed to be proud of him. Yeah, the magician that throws away all of his gags. If he said, Flags of Our Fathers is the other side of the Iwo Jima movie. Like, so this is the other side of the pianist.

Oh, if they live yeah a bunch of cops pulling over very very antisemitic joke like hitler like was just he was like he sounds like i get i get what they were doing i see where they're coming from it was like he's he hits and run a fat lady outside of chick-fil-a i have to piss my nuts off and my girlfriend's gonna fucking slit my throat if we don't finish this. She's visiting me. She flew in, and she's at my apartment just waiting for me.

So I feel bad. I got you. I'm just lounging around. Let's finish this. You're at work. Let's skim through it. I tried that. You tried the work one? By the way, this is the problem with John. He cut his comedy teeth on 4chan. So everything is too complex and sophisticated for us normies. We need references to Goodfellas and stuff.

Ben acting like he's not a honkler. Exactly. Oh, yeah. Ben's pretending. Honkler. Yeah. That's right. Ben's the...

He's black-pilled and red-pilled. He's Gorilla and the Mist thing me right now. I was black-pilled. Then I was white-pilled. Then I was white-pilled. Now I'm clear-pilled. What the fuck is white-pilled? Man, there's so many pills. What the fuck's white-pilled?

I think white-pilled is just like an Aryan race thing. Oh, Jesus Christ. Of course. Of course you're white-pilled. That was a natural progression of young men. It was black-pilling, then white-pilling. Bloomer. Doomer to bloomer.

What is clear-pilling? Yeah, well, doom-pilled came before black-pilling. What is clear-pilling? I don't get the difference between black-pilling and... And then let's get bloomer. What is clear pilling? Yeah, well, doom pilled came before black pilling. What is clear pilling? I don't get the difference between black pilling. And then let's get off this. What is clear pilling? I think clear pilling is just saying, like, whatever, man, it's all bullshit anyway. And then you jack off a bunch, and then you get on antidepressants, and then you kill yourself. What's the guy with the... That's black pill!

No, no, no. Black pilled is like... Black pilled, at least you have feet on solid ground. You become a guy who dresses all black. You go to the gas station at 4 in the morning to buy cigarettes. You listen to very moody music. You have an identity. You have something to base stuff in. Most people actually can't handle clear-pilling,

which is the right way to live. Which is you go, yeah, I have to create my own meaning, and it's all gay. It's not an attachment. And I can choose to not do so. You know, I've been thinking about all this lately. And I am clear-pilled. It's just about what Ben said. It's been on my mind

for quite some time now. Clear-pilling, red-pilling, honkler-pilling. Honklers, if you will. Alright, should we skim through this? Let this guy talk. It's actually quite good. I have to fucking piss.

Just go take a goddamn What is it going to turn into a shit? Oh, he has to come this way? All right, all right. Go ahead, Joey. Come on. Drinks so goddamn much. He's a guy.

He pisses more than anyone I fucking know. It's crazy. Well, he drinks more than anyone you know, so that makes sense. He drinks like he has a lady at home. Are you telling me, bub? Yes. Tell you what. God.

Okay. I mean, Joe's acting like there's domestic abuse going on. No, he's acting like he's like... She'll hit me if I come home too late. You see, he was blinking in disaccord. Like, one eye was moving. He's like, I have to get home before he's blinking like in disaccord. Like one eye was moving. He's like, I have to get home before he's like blinking like this. I was like, everything okay, man?

John McCain POW type. Yeah, like things are short-circuiting in his head. He's blinking like something on a rock. He's a worrywart. I mean, you know, I get it. She's not in town long. Joey's a worrywart. A little bit sometimes. Joey's a worrywart. Oh, Joey is very nervous and weird. He just lets it out in town long. Joey's a worrywart. A little bit sometimes. Joey's a worrywart.

Oh, Joey gets very nervous and weird. He just lets it out in different ways. Like, he'll hit you up over and over again. Like, I've been thinking about that episode we did. He disguises anxiety as concern for you. Yeah. When I was riding the bus back on a skateboard like Marty McFly, I was having some anxiety about that episode.

He gets like blackout drunk and like jumps off buildings. No, he's like, he'll be calling, he'll call in a bomb threat and then he'll call you and be like, I've been thinking

about that episode. Worried about getting in trouble for that. He's like, should I have gone that hard on the liberals that time? An ID or anything on you? No.

No? Do you have insurance? I don't have, I am from Poland. Do you have an ID or anything on you? No. Do you have insurance? I am from Poland. Do you have a driver's license? No. How much have you had to drink tonight? Europeans are so fucking annoying. What do you think about this? Because I can smell it.

So he's going to claim he was in the Holocaust? He's way too young to have lived through it. I'm making some drinks. So now we have to claim he was in the Holocaust? No, I'm just saying. I'm making something. So now we have an issue. You don't have a license? No, I thought Joey set that video up this way, saying the guy lived through the Holocaust. I said that. No, he didn't.

I'm just kidding. I'm joking. Never. You have a neighbor. So what's your first name? What the heck? Can I get your first name? Excuse me?

What's your first name? What the heck is going on here? Excuse me? What's your first name? That's a great sign of showing people you're not drunk, not remembering your first name. Joe Biden. So he says his name is Joe Biden.

Very good. So you either have to identify yourself. My first name is Jack Ruby. Just stop beating him up. Okay, go ahead. Go ahead. You're not going to identify yourself? Be careful.

Be careful. Because sometimes I am. He goes, be careful because I have AR-15 on me. Oh, okay. Cool. So how about this? How about you give us your name and then you can go inside. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Why do cops always put on gloves like they're about to give a colonoscopy to the guy?

That's where I beat the shit out of him. What does the gloves do? They're about to beat the shit out of him. It just helps punch? Probably. I think it's, you know, if like, if, you know, spit or blood happens, I don't want to get my hands,

or maybe they have a cut in their hands. I think it just makes black people feel more comfortable. They go, listen, we know you like Michael Jackson, so I'll put on the glove before I beat you. They're like, is that Ken Griffey Jr. or a goddamn LAPD officer? Sir, look, my hands are now black. Are we really so different? Are we really so different, you and I?

You're playing games with us here. We're trying to get this taken care of so we can get you out of here. Why are you doing this? Because you ran into an accident. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nothing happened. Oh, dude, this guy sucks. Yeah, fuck this guy.

I wasn't playing because I think he's cool. Fuck you. John, this is very good. Yeah, I'm giving this like 30%. Okay. I'll support you. It's a pretty... I think we would have a big time with this if we weren't purposely Yeah, I'm giving this like 30%. Okay. I'll support Joe's shit. It's a pretty... I think we would have a big time with this if we weren't purposely shitting on him.

Exactly. This is now a funny goof to hate on. No, no, no, no. Joey, see, you have to realize the thing about the brilliance of the pianist. If it was just a Jew in a room complaining that he had no water and food, you go, fuck this guy.

I hope Hitler finds him. But the fact that he's a water and food, you go, fuck this guy. I hope Hitler finds him. But the fact that he's a brilliant pianist and very charismatic and he's this torture genius, you're rooting for him the whole time. It's a tragedy of war. He's wearing a beautiful suit. He just got to America. He's facing adversity from the local

police department. There's a lot of happening. That guy didn't just get here, bro. That guy's been here 20 years. You see someone invaded this guy's country and you cheer on the invader. Do you know what his son does for a living? Did he say that? It says his son's an FBI agent. Exactly.

And so he's using that to be like... His son is Pete Buttigieg. I never said he was Jewish. There's Polish people that aren't Jewish, right? Of course. No, no, no, but Hitler still invaded his country. But he's acting like he's Jewish because he's Polish. No, but Hitler would have thrown him on the killing floor, you know?

Yeah. Hitler would have chopped him up and hung him up by a hook. I don't like that kind of stuff, Ben. Save that for a lemon party. I don't like that kind of stuff. I don't like that junk. I don't like that kind of talk. Save it for a lemon party.

By the way, this guy is probably a descendant of Adolf Hitler. Yeah, exactly. He's probably full German. He's like, my name's Joe Mengele. Yeah, he's British. He's Polish. You escaped Auschwitz as a guard.

Go ahead. What are we going to do inside your house? Yeah. So do you have any sort of ID on you? Go ahead. What are we going to do inside your house? Yeah. So do you have any sort of ID on you? I don't care about some kind of bullshit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm going to stay with the cops next time they ask me anything. I'm sorry. I want to be fair. I like police. My father was police. I appreciate that. Sure. He was kind of police.

A kind of police that was looking for a specific type of people. What happened in the accident? So we could leave. So I need your name. You want to kill me? No, sir. We just want your name. The boys in Brazil will find me.

Where do they think Hitler lives? Like Venezuela? Chile. Argentina, I thought. I think J.P. Wright or Morgan. They're all camping out together. I thought it was Argentina, John. Well, Chile and Argentina had a weird thing.

Where was Brazil a lot of... Well, Brazil was just easy to hide in. Brazil went soft. Not like that. But the fascism just kind of ran to like the late 70s in South America. So these Nazis... He lives out in Diamond Bar.

Last I heard. Yeah, I heard he lives in El Monte. Hitler lives in Pacoima. They spotted at Occidental College. He was checking out the lovely honeys. I heard Hitler... I heard he sucked off Obama. This speaks for the name of

Joey, how much better does it get? We know you're at a time constraint here. No, it's going on here, bud. Should I skip? I mean, it's a long video. Joey, I'm not staying for the Patreon. He's there for the Patreon. We're going to take that into account.

I want to keep potting forever. Am I staying for the Patreon? Please. Of course. Please. Okay, cool. I didn't know if I was invited or if you guys have a special... What are you talking about? I don't know. You guys do a patty cake. You suck each other off. i didn't know if i was invited or if you guys have like a special like what are you guys like patty cake you suck each other off i don't know what

goes on i'm not involved in this la podcast scene i'm an island i'm out on my i'm doing my own thing out with lemon party listen crowder your wife knows you have the car for the night no it's fine i listen i want to pod forever because I love the listeners. Of course. Of course. Probably, I mean, listen, I think maybe if you want to end it, I guess. No, it's fine. I want to do the Patreon, but I got to do a bird cast later.

What's burning? Yeah. Leave the crash report. Or we're going to have to take you under arrest, okay? We would rather just get your name and let you go inside your house. I like this, but don't try. I'll resume. Okay.

Devin, I thought you were going to end the talk. No, no, no, no. I want to keep going. Wait, wait, wait. They're just going to get him, dude. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. Put your hands behind your back. I want to keep going. Wait, wait, wait. They're just going to get him, dude. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. Put your hands behind your back. I want to keep going.

That's a strong Polak. Yeah, exactly. He's ripped. He's old, but he's built like a fucking ox. Stop resisting. You like this? You like this? You like this?

Because you like this? He goes, fuck my ass. He goes, what are you going to do? You want to kill me or to fuck me? He goes, dude, he's running, bro. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. my ass. Hey guys, what are you going to do? You want to kill me or the fuck me? Dude, he's running, bro. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Like a fucking judo toss. No, you bet.

Imagine judo tossing a seven-year-old Polish guy. Man, female cops are absolutely useless. Look how long it takes her to get his arm. Look at that. She can't get an old man down. She can't even get his arm two on one. She took her like five minutes. I mean, why even have a gun if she fired it, it'd fly out

of her hands like men in black. That was 134. That was so hard. She's like, I just started my period doing that. Fuck this. I'm going to go back to work at Sephora. We don't want to. Okay. You happy?

Those women have big tits, by the way, and it's always fun. Yeah. They give them a special badge that bends over their nipple. Yeah, it bends over. Yeah. That exists? Well, how else does it fit on? Otherwise, it just sticks out flat like that.

Like, you could hang a shirt in it. They have to bend the badge before they give it to her. Yeah, they're like, what are you, an F cup? Alright, hold on. The police chief's like, alright, let me see. We had a 400 pound woman die two weeks ago. Here we are. There was Shelly's old badge.

That big fat bitch. Anyway, we're going to give you a gun, but the bullets are fake. I'll let you know that. We don't trust the female cops. They treat the female cops like when you're playing a video game, but you're like seven-year-old nephews around. He's like, I want to play. You give him a broken controller and you just let him pretend.

No, all female cops are carrying blanks. They're not playing. Yeah, they blanks. They're role-playing. Yeah. Yeah, it should be. They're cosplaying. They're LARPing as cops, basically. They're LARPing, exactly. Dude, I went to Target the other day.

There's like a 90-year-old woman working security. Oh, that's hilarious. She has like a walker and shit, and she has like a little walkie that she's talking to. They're required by the government to hire ladies. They're just like hey no one's gonna stop anyone anyways let's just put like a fucking like she looks like the grandmother from courage the cowardly dog like she has like little round like spectacles and shit she's like hey and like people are just walking out with like tv

somebody hauls a 70 inch big screen bar. I think Target's like we make more money if people just steal stuff because it's a write off. It's like insurance. So just put Mother Goose at the front door. Mother Goose.

I heard that they are watching everybody. They know everybody that steals. They just wait. If you keep going back to the same place, they wait till you've

racked up an amount where they can actually have the police called and arrested it's like 1k it's 1k I think in LA and loss prevention

but if you go to like different ones like 5 cheap grocery trips but they have they apparently do have a database and I read a reddit thread once where like

people were like yeah like eventually they just wait it out and they go yeah she'll get arrested eventually it's fine she's stealing we have actual

loss prevention guys that are like they can like arrest you. Once it gets up to the amount, they track what you've stolen or whatever. And then they go, well, it's a thousand now. But just stay under the MS. Then they call the cops that day that you come in to steal more. Oh, they'll tackle you.

They'll tackle you. They have private detectives. They have like Pinkertons that come in. Really? Yeah. When I worked at Vaughn's, we had like once a month, you'd have these two guys that were like detectives that would come in and just pretend to shop all day. Yeah, I've seen that. And they'd that tackle cholos trying to run like air marshals

yeah they're like air bonds air marshals wow yeah they're like pinkertons they have the power to arrest without like they didn't they literally can arrest you and like throw you on the ground that's the coolest job i've ever heard it was very chill they got paid a lot of money did they really oh yeah yeah i was a cv i was a right aid one time and and there was a dude just dressed normally but he was just watching people steal. And then he would go up to them and be like, what are you doing? Put that away. Put it back.

And then, like, tackle them and shit. And they, like, stopped. But he was paid to, like, look normal and just hang out. When I worked at the Vons, we— It's like Leo and the Departed, but working at, like, CVS. When I worked at the Vons, we met at this— These two cholos tried to run out with two 30 racks of Modelo one time and they just,

you know the little bumps that stop the cart? What a heist. It was crazy. No, but the manager ran out after them who was another Mexican dude and one of the guys

hit the little bumps. I heard Heat was based on this. The Mexican manager runs out and he goes, you forgot the lines. He's like, you forgot the lines. No, they hit the bumps

and the dude went face down on the concrete and destroyed his face. The manager? No they They hit the bumps And the dude Went face down On the concrete And like destroyed his face The manager? No no no The fucking dude Trying to steal the beer And the manager

Just made fun of him As he was like crying Running out of the parking lot Bleeding everywhere Sick Nice Good I really fucking hate this

Sick Sick dude John you're so cool Fuck you Nobody cares about your story I bet you're so good At fucking I hate this shit You came in too late Yeah I know I'm trying to tell someone John you're so cool fuck you nobody cares about your story I bet you're so good at fucking you came in too late

yeah you know I'm trying to tell someone John you suck you think you made any impact with that story I'm just gonna put in a penalty box

when Ben comes on like the end of like Olympic like track meets like where they stand on boxes we should do that at the end of the podcast like track meets like where they stand on boxes. We should do that at the end of the podcast.

Where we stand on first, second, third, and fourth. I love that idea. John's laying down. Now let's, why don't we head over to the Patreon.

You got anything to plug, Ben? I'm having a baby Christmas Eve. You're plugging your baby? Do you guys really? Are you guys, is Katie, are you guys so dead set on the Christmas Eve you're plugging your baby do you guys really are you guys is Katie

is it are you guys so dead set on the Christmas Eve thing that you want like are you gonna make her just like hold it in dude so apparently the doctors

just won't let you have it then cause they want they don't wanna be there yeah so like you'll go to the hospital or you'll like

call your doctor and they'll be like just hold your breath it'll be fine how about December 28th when I'm back do you induce it on Christmas Eve or is that just

no because we're not doing a cesarean section we're trying to do a natural birth but they know like the day no they predict based on your pregnancy level I didn't know it was that accurate it's within a three week thing I mean the baby could come out tomorrow right they give you a day you don't want it was that accurate. No, it's within a three-week thing. I mean, the baby could come out tomorrow. Right, they give you a day.

You don't want it to come out tomorrow. Obviously. Right now, it looks like a little homie. That's kind of... It looks like something you get out of a vending machine. I've seen when they put the thing up to my wife's belly, like, you want to see it? I'm like, ah, no!

Ah, no! Put it away! I think your machine's broken. I'm like, what is this, a chronometer? Turn it off! What is this, a dead fly? Your baby's just a gun coming out of her stomach. Yeah, it's a larva, basically. I go, oh, look, there's a maggot in your belly, sweetie.

Isn't that great? I bet she'll come. A crab worm. I don't know how to deal with Ben having a little baby. It's crazy. I don't know if you should have one. Yeah, I'd grab one. I don't know how to deal with Ben having a little baby. It's crazy. I don't know if you should have one. Yeah, is there still time? I don't know if I... Figure this out. I want to call somebody and say, look into this.

It's going to come out, and a guy will come into the room with sunglasses and a trench coat, and he's just going to take the baby, and we'll just never know who that guy is. There's just a special service where people don't, you just will never know. Ben's sober. Like an Area 51 guy comes in. Ben actually is, it's just because he's such a close friend that you're like,

I don't want any of my friends having a baby, but in reality, he's sober. Now that I'm thinking about it, he's sober, like he's ambitious, he's responsible, he's like a great husband. If any other friend of mine had a baby, I'd be like, man, I hope it likes hot cars.

I hope it likes waiting in the parking lot of a Buffalo Wild Wings. Hope it's got really strong lungs and it can deal with 100 degree weather. Hope it can hold its breath. Hope that fucker knows how to swim. Is it a boy or a girl? Girl.

I knew that. Little baby girl. Do we have a name or did you say that? I think, well, I don't even know if I want to say yet. I have a nickname that I'm going to call her, though. Is it? I don't know if I ever want to say, though. Yeah, no, you don't

want to say your kid's name. Eileen. Eileen. Yeah. From the month from months. They're naming her

Aunt Diane. Wait, I don't get this reference. So Eileen is the serial killer from the movie Monster and then Aunt Diane. There's a famous

documentary, Something Wrong with Aunt Diane. Crazy lady that took like all her like the nephews and little kids in the family and like drove the wrong way on the highway and killed everybody like why she did it she was like a fairly normal cool person and no one has any idea what happened

why yeah but two horrible people that you would never name your daughter after but anyways wait so you're not saying the name the real name i'll tell you once we are no yes you're not saying a pod yeah i don't know i don't need it that bad kids name is marjorie taylor green all right thank you for listening folks uh you know keep supporting i wish we would i wish we would have ripped trump this episode after that epic mugshot. God, no. If only we got into Ukraine. Man. I brought a big sheet cake with the Trump mugshot on it that we're all gonna eat. Blow out the candles.

Let's go cut into this. I call Ben Petty Crocker. Petty Crocker. Wow. Ending it big. Woo! John.

Ending with a big... Final jokes? No. No, I'm done. I'm fucking done. Fuck this shit. Alright. Love you all.

Good night. Goodbye. Goodbye.