Hate Watch with Devan Costa - Trust The Process

Episode Date: November 20, 2023

A gypsy drug addict is lurking, a forensics team showed up to take prints for Joey's home invasion, Devans process corner

It's good to be in something from the ground floor. I came too late for that. I know. But lately I'm getting the feeling that I came in at the end. The best is over. Many Americans, I think, feel that way. Welcome to the Hatewatch Podcast, everybody. We, uh, I don't know what's going on.

We've been having some technical difficulties as of late. The Patreon episode last week didn't record. Every time we seem to do a second episode, it doesn't record. And I'm looking away because I'm trying to bring you guys comedy magic. He's an entertainer. So I'm not looking. I guess I could hide. I don't know.

I need a fucking retard here that looks over everything. But we looked over about 25 minutes. We just did 25 minutes. It's really funny. It was really interesting. We've never done what we did for those 25 minutes before. We had gay sex. But we've never, and we've never done that before.

I mean, I've been waiting for that. And that has never happened. But no, we had a whole fucking thing going. We were segueing into stuff, and it went away, and I looked over, and it was green and not fucking recording. It's the same glitch that we saw last week. We don't know what's happening, but we're watching it now. It seems to be a second episode problem.

So bear with us. We are gonna start this episode after this with that audio and then it'll go right into video which is what we're about. We're gonna do. Hell yeah dude. By the way there's a lady next door right behind you guys

because there's a woman that usually lives there right? Tenant. Tenant. Well, yeah. It used to be a friend of ours, but she turned a little crazy. And so now she went a little wacko. What'd she do?

She went a little Shutter Island on us. Oh, yeah. But there's like a lady now there like taking care of like a dog or something She's house sitting the cow sitting and I heard her the other day She coughs up a lung every fucking five seconds. Yeah, I just heard her get back when I was upstairs going to the bathroom And this this woman is I don't know what's going on I think she's wait

I hate people that are from the middle of the country that come to LA, but that are like hippies from the middle of the country. It's a strange breed. It's really obnoxious. By the way, you're whispering because she could possibly hear you. I just heard her. She's literally right there.

She's like a dab hit. So I'm whispering a little bit. I don't like her. I've been here for the last week and a half without Ida. Okay? I've been resigned to the creepy single guy. I'm just sitting around. I'm doing weird things.

I went and saw Priscilla alone three days ago at like 10 p.m. Your eyes are glassy. You're about to cry. I'm like sad. I miss Ida. Have you been jacking off in any kind of weird way?

Oh all the time every fucking five minutes I jack off. Gooning? I jack off constantly. His feet up against the wall. Coming in his own mouth. You didn't see

I do I? You told me to go get a Celsius upstairs I jacked it right before I got down here. The second Valley leaves I start jerking off I don't even want to. It's just I just I jacked it right before I got down here. The second Valerie leaves, I start jerking off. I don't even want to. It's just I'm excited about the idea of doing it.

Exactly. It's like watching your parents leave when you were in high school. You're like, all right, bye. I'll take care of the house tonight. You could hear them closing the door in the Pavlovian jacked on. She leaves, and I set up like Home Alone traps. By the front door, I'm like, here's marbles. There's a can of can

Start jacking up Lubing up with kerosene Yeah yeah yeah All week All week and a half Oh non stop My balls are empty It's crazy how much I'm cumming

All over this fucking city But this woman I've been hearing her all fucking week. And I'll be like, I'm watching the Sly documentary. I'm watching Copland. You know, I'm watching Rocky. I'm just watching nonstop Sylvester Stallone stuff, I guess. But I keep hearing her. Watching nonstop Sly and jerking off.

I've heard this woman, whoever she she's from like she's from uh south carolina i think that's the east coast is it ew shut up that's not the east coast i think south carolina is the east coast buddy it's literally south dakota yeah no south carolina it's the east coast no i'm talking about where she's from. Oh, where? You should go say hi. No, no, no. I'm not talking about that one. Oh, Jesus. I like this quiet whispering.

I'm talking about the one. This is a fun podcast. No, this is an ASMR podcast. I'm talking about the one taking over. The one that's watching. South Carolina. The one that's watching the cat. Nobody lives in South Carolina.

I'm talking about the one. Wait, who are you scared of hearing us? Which one? The bitch next door. The new one. Oh. That's taking care of the new bitch. I thought the old one.

She's coughing up a lung. She's a fucking bitch, dude. She's fucking coughing. She coughs. She coughs? She's been coughing up a lung. She's a fucking hippie. I smell her.

I smell her smoking. She's stinking? She smokes. No, I don't know about that. She smells. I don't know about that, but she's been smoking weed in her room all the time. And I heard her have a conversation with the guy. She's a dope smoker.

You know how there's this guy next door that he's mentally ill. He's a mentally insane person. Yeah, the constant gardener. The guy that can't stop gardening. He gardens all the time and he's right behind us right now. He's buried in bodies. I hear him right now.

He's planting a dandelion. This fucking guy. He treats that place like the greatest gate. There's this fucking Paul Schrader character right behind us. This fucking guy. He's rotting. He's emptying the white sheets.

He's emptying sand in a baseball diamond somewhere. I heard her like a week and a half ago, this woman that's like watching her cat. I heard this woman out on the side of the house crying. Sobbing. Sobbing. It looks so beautiful.

You guys are so beautiful. John, I'm trying to listen to Devin. Listen, John. Shut the fuck up. Listen to John, I'm trying to listen to Devin. Listen, John. Shut the fuck up. Listen to me. I'm a master. Listen to me, you fucking fat fuck. She was crying. Because the garden was so beautiful, Joey.

I'm trying to fucking listen. Open your ears. I'm standing by my stove, and I go, what? I go, what is that? I hear like a hysterical. I hear a, is that a hysterical twat? And I wander over to the oven, and I put my ear to the window, and I go, what the hell is that? And I hear a hysterical twat.

And I hear this twat going, this is so beautiful. And I go, what is going on? Somebody is, like, sick or something. What's going on? What is happening right now? She goes, I just ate a mushroom bar. There's a fucking, there's a drug addict. This is the caretaker.

Yeah, yeah. Got it. And this is the one on Rover. She's off Rover. Because I got hit up by our tenant saying, hey, just so you know, there's a person watching my animal. And just let me know if there's any problem with them. What is Rover?

It's a dog babysitting app. It's a dog babysitting app. We should straw doggers. We should get masks and put her under siege. No, no. Just straw doggers. We should get masks and put her under siege. No, no. I want a funny game, sir. Okay. You never seen funny games? Swedish film?

They remade in America? That sounds dark. Put on masks. Make her go through a bunch of games before you kill her. How about we strangers her ass? I've been having thoughts of toying with her in a criminal way for weeks. I'm talking some Eli Roth shit.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm talking some Lars von Trier stuff. I'm talking some leather apron shit. We're talking some statistic shit here, man. The Machine. Burt Kreischer's

The Machine. Let's do it. What if Burt Kreischer's The Machine was about a guy who kills women in snuff films? The movie ends by Nicolas Cage

shooting him in the head. Burt Kreischer's The Machine directed by David Cronenberg? Yeah. Honestly, he'd be the greatest artist of all time if he did a fucking pivot like that. He's wearing a leather mask.

So I've been hearing her for a week. Let's get back to this. Coughing up a lung. She just sags her. She just weaves. Dabs, dude. It's got to be dabs. I don't smell cigs, but I smell weed.

And by the way, listen. Listen. Listen. On this property, you are not allowed to smoke in your room. Yeah. So I'm a little annoyed by that. A little peeved.

A little peeved. Devin's known as Little Jeff Sessions. A little peeved. Okay, the Upper West Side Jewish landlord in me is kind of wanting to go down there. I hate to. Smash a bagel in her face. I hate to call you out. No, no, no, no, no.

But you're constantly chain-smoking weed in the house. I can do whatever I want. That's what I'm saying. I know. But I'm just saying I'm the only child. She must... I'm the only child here. I run this property. It's all mine.

And we've seen Mother Reddit. I'm a rich kid. I'm a rich kid. I'm a rich kid. Devin smells weed, but he's like, that's not my weed. No. I don't smoke weed. He's smoking a drug.

It's like Monsanto. He knows the strain. I don't smoke weed anymore. I don't smoke weed anymore. What do you smoke? Last night. What the fuck? He smokes God.

Last night. I smoked weed last night. But it's a vape, and it's just like here. It's like a device. It's not like rolling joints anymore. I used to smoke weed like a person. You have future weed. I make them.

I have like R2-D2 weed now. But like it's not mine. It's Ida's. I just steal her weed. I steal everything she has. That's a gas. I'm taking her for everything she's fucking worth. I'll take her for everything.

The killer's the flower room. Oh, I'm injecting. You want her head right. I inject her with poisonous insulin every night. And that's why she's not here right now. She's in the hospital. Ida's very sick. She's sleepy.

Ida's very sick. And the doctors, they told me, this is just to slow her down. This will just slow her down. She keeps going to Washington, D.C. They go, you need to give her this. It'll just slow her down. Damn you. I have to finish the story so we can stop whispering.

I love the whispering, though. It's kind of nice. It's kind of funny. It's kind of fun. Hold on. It is funny, but it's driving me nuts. So let me get to this. I know, I know.

I'm losing it over here. We're loud people. We're loud people. I don't like being quieter than these people, but this, so I heard her having a mental breakdown to the schizophrenic next door that keeps fucking... She's coming over here. Thank God. She's coming over here.

Oh, yeah, really? How about I report you on Rover and it's back to South Carolina for you? Yes. You poor fuck. Yes. How about that? Yes. How about that?

Yes. How about you start a podcast? Yes. Retard. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him.

Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him.

Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get him. Get a reporter. Gavin Newsom. Gavin Newsom. Gavin Newsom. I'll deport you. Shh. Guys, actually.

Is that window open? Yeah. The window's open. They can hear everything. Drill. Fucking drill. Hold on. Hold on.

Hold on. Let me close this. Hey, what's up? You suck. Oh, wow. Was her head in the window? She was looking right at me. Oh, wow. Was her head in the window? She was looking right at me. Oh, God.

Was she really? Yeah, staring right at me. Shut the fuck up. No. That would have scared the shit out of me. Nobody there. That would be creepy. Well, then open back the window.

Nobody there. Connor gets hot. He's Irish. I get hot. Connor gets hot. Connor's the one who gets hotter than me. Because he's used to cold. He's a cold-hearted boy.

I get really hot. Fucking from South Dakota. You know, you got the... You're hot. All right. I opened it again. Thanks. But real quick.

Hold on. Thanks, man. Actually, I was getting hot, too. Guys, can you... Please go, go, go, go. Which has no ending. For Christ's... Keep whispering.

Hold on. Guys, Jesus Christ. You guys are maniacs. Have a Gator light you're drunk okay you want this one no no john johnny i'm giving him away so i heard her having like a mental breakdown to this schizophrenic guy next door that's been working on his backyard for like a year and a half i hear crying and i wander away from the tv and i go up to the stove because that's where the window is to hear.

And I go, what is that? I thought somebody was like, I was like, is something in trouble? What's going on? I hear just incessant sobbing. And then I hear it go, it's so beautiful, man. You're doing a great job. And then I'm like, what?

And then I hear him like, yeah, thanks. I'll be here all night. Because he's mentally ill, too. He starts crying, too. It's literally Bellevue. It's two peas in a pod. He starts crying.

He's like, it is beautiful. Thank you so much. I'm glad someone appreciates the work I'm doing here. That's when Devin should have sharked her from his kitchen window. Oh, yeah. Sharked her. Maybe sharked her. I haven't even seen what she looks like the other day I walked out front.

You wouldn't know if you sharked her. The other day I walked out front. I bet she's a pig. I bet she's a fat, I bet she looks like a fucking wild hog. I bet she's looking for a trough right now. She can't. I hate fat women.

I hate ugly fat women. I hate ugly fat women. So the other day, I heard this fucking swine. I heard this swine. Yeah, dad in her room going, Ew, go on. Or if you could filter by weight on Rover. She goes, yeah, yeah, she can.

She goes, she goes, she goes, I just had a mushroom burn. I'm fucking fucked up. And then she's like crying. To you or on the phone? No, to the garden. I'm just listening to the garden. And then I'm like, okay. And then right after she snaps out of it and she goes, I gotta go do some errands. So I hear her get into her car.

So for, like like i'm not kidding i had for like five minutes i considered calling the police and be like there's a hammered person like like what tony did the beach lamano yeah because i just because i felt so annoyed i'm like i don't like the fact i didn't even know rover people could sleep where the person that asked them to watch their place. That's the whole point. Is it? I thought they just walked. I thought they were supposed to come in and check on the dog.

And then they go. I think you could. No, I think you could make a rule that says that's not allowed. You could, yeah. I could, but it's not me. It's my father. Get arrested. So I heard her leave, apparently, literally like a schizophrenic.

She's crying on mushrooms. Then she's getting in her car, apparently, you know, literally like a schizophrenic. She's crying on mushrooms. Then she's getting in her car, going to the grocery store. You know, whatever. Where's the Tesla road rager? Wouldn't you need him? I know. That's what I'm saying. But then all week, I hear her.

She goes out to the side of the house, and she just keeps coughing up a lung. Yeah. And it's bothering me. You know, I'm trying to jack off here. My girlfriend's only out of town for a certain amount of time. I'm trying to jack it. And I can't do it

while you cough up a lung. Okay? You fuck. Like, I'm listening to this emphysema retard. She spoils like a 24-hour goon. It's really,

it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really,

it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really,

it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really,

it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really,

it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really,

it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really,

it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, it's really, hour 23 she's like coughing he's like Jesus Christ I'm gonna break my record it's all down the fucking drain it was all for nothing

I will just fucking drag off like normal you blow away why am I even going in you blow away you blow the gun but I'm not kidding

I keep having thoughts of like get arrested get her to court I kind of want her arrested. Get arrested. Get her to court. Let the dog starve.

I got an idea. Is it wrong? Can I do that? Let's just kill her. Yeah. Strut off. Because I keep wanting to go down there and be like, listen, I don't know about whatever contract you made, but we were not involved in it.

Us. You're fat. You're ugly. I go, listen. Ew. I go, I go, I go, I go, you're not even hot. Yeah. I go, you could stay here if you were hot, but you're fat you're ugly I go listen ew I go I go I go you're not even hot yeah I go

you could stay here if you were hot but you're not and do this nude I go I run the property you look at her and you go

what's in this for me like a porno and then I I go down what am I getting out of this how about I walk downstairs with my cock hanging out of my

my pants and I go listen that hurts i got just checking off my doctor i go i go i go so where's the dog that you're watching huh i need proof of life i'm just like i'm like so wait to who i need to see the documents who allowed you to do this as i keep doing it I just keep pulling it you just get more mentally disabled I just get more

like what is happening show me the claws show me the claws and the renters she tries to show me she tries to like bring me paperwork and I go

no no no no I go no no you come you're like no I don't actually care

I go I don't care I just wanted to come down and you're like, no, I don't actually care. I go, I don't care. I just wanted to come down here. You come all over the contract. You're like, well, it's not legible anymore. I can't read it. So you just come all over it. I go, what's this?

It looks like there's a bunch of whiteout over the signature. You go, that won't one holding court. There's a clam on the bridge. Injection. You show that to a judge. Go ahead. He'll think you're a sadistic pervert. I've been upset by this.

I don't like, I can't. How long is she going to be here? I don't know. The tenant said, she texted me and she goes, I'm out of town. She didn't give a time. So I'm like, I don't know. How long could it be? And I'm like, did you just give your time? How long has she been gone so far?

It's been like a week and a half, as long as Ida's been gone. It started literally the day after Ida left. And I'm like, what the fuck? And so I keep hearing this. She left all her shit. She has to be back soon. We'd hope. We can only hope.

But who knows? I mean, she might just be, she might have just hightailed it and left like a cat. She might have just left her cat. She has her dog somewhere. Her dog's not there. But I don't know. And she might listen to the show and we might have a problem with this. But I don't know. But it's been... No, no. I have no problem with her.

But this, I don't like this. I don't like this replacement. but it's been what do you say about her no no I have no problem with her but this I don't like this I don't like this replacement I don't like her she's been bothering me let's do some

Beetlejuice shit we'll dress up like ghosts I don't I don't like hearing people come in to a place

like you come into a place you don't even know who runs it but somebody allowed you to stay in their place

and immediately do mushrooms you're doing mushrooms and you're smoking weed out on the side you're hawking up a lung it really is bothering me it's like it's like turning me into a like a weird republican like i'm like a lamb i feel like a i'm it's turning me i've been sitting upstairs like i will i will call the police on you. I've been angry. It's your house, ultimately, where it becomes like a... Well, eventually, but yeah. No, I'm saying, but it's where you live, regardless of what... I'm not talking about...

It becomes like a tribal caveman. Here's another thing, Joey. Exactly. Here's another thing. I have a lack of respect for people. I'm so over... My whole life here has been spent with with just strangers showing up to the property by the way this airbnb these rentals were started so we could keep living here my parents bought this place in 1987 sure sure it was a ghetto yeah no one i had

uh friends canceled like playdates and shit people would be like i'll pay you 50 bucks i had like friends like not come see me because they were like, that's a dangerous neighborhood. Their parents would be like, no, you can't go over to that. Literally. Like I had like friendships ruined as a kid. I've heard about it. Yeah. Your mom has told me about this.

So now it's all nice. And, you know, it looks like I live in, you know, some like haven and it's whatever. It's fine. But, but I'm just so sick of strangers on my property. I would hate that. And just hearing them have these like hippy dippy moments where they're coughing up a lung. By the way, speaking of strangers on my property. And let's talk about that.

That was my segue. I had a stranger on my property recently. You were home invaded last week. I was home invaded. On my property recently. You were home invaded last week. I was home invaded. And the LAPD sent actual people to your place to take fingerprints. I was shocked by that.

I couldn't believe that. So was I. So, yeah. We told the story in the last app about the break-in. And then the cops, when they came, they were like, Hey, by the way, don't touch any of that stuff because we're going to send a fingerprint crew over. And I just assumed, oh, they're just saying that, by the way, don't touch any of that stuff, because we're going to send a fingerprint crew over. And I just assumed, oh, they're just saying that to be...

That's what they say. Here's the thing. We're not ignoring your crime. I thought that was total bullshit, because Richie had... Richie's catalytic converter has been stolen twice on my street. And one time, the people came out, the neighbors came out, and they filmed the car doing it.

They got the license plate. They got everything. They got them running back into their car. Cops did nothing. They were like, we don't care. That's not a thing. We're not going to trace down. I think home invasions are considered a little bit more.

Home invasion is not equitable to a catalytic converter being taken. It's like rapes and crimes. Also, they were like, it's Ritchie. They were like, we're not going to do that. The cops were like, yeah, it's myie. They were like, we're not going to do it. The cops were like, yeah. Like, I would have taken it, too. They were like, I would have taken your Cadillac Converter, too.

It's funny. It'll be nice material for the Haywatch pod. They were like, they should have low-bridged him while they were at it. Kidding. Love you, Richie. Miss you. But, yeah, so I was confused because I was like, Richie had full- full blown footage of the criminals

and the cops did nothing also theft is legal now yeah so I mean you can still like 950 950 from a once a month you can walk into a Best Buy grab a laptop walker you can do whatever you want I go to Whole Foods all the time you see

Jon Hamm shoving shit in his pants you see Jason Sudeikis. He's avoiding a security guard. Everyone steals now. Theft is legal. Everyone's up to something. January Jones is just shoving shit in her bra. Anywhere you go, anybody is allowed to steal.

Yes. It's fine. So I was very, very fascinated by the fact that they actually showed up to take prints. He said that to me and he goes we might send the forensics team over so don't touch any of that stuff. And I just looked at him and I was like sure, sure. I was just like

you have to say that but I'm like be safe out there man. I'll see you later. I will never hear about this again. Go be safe out there man. You're like by the way I love Blue Bloods, my favorite show on TV. But no, so I had a knock on my door the other day, and I just opened it up, and it was a lady with gloves on and shit, fucking decked out in LAPD. Was she hot?

Yeah, she kind of was. Right? Isn't that kind of hot? She kind of was hot. She actually was. And then I have a girlfriend. She's kind of hot. You can never tell if they have a good ass or not because they have that big belt.

The uniform. Yeah, the uniform makes every female cop look like she has a fucking fatty. The cop that responded to us getting the gun pointed at us was very fucking cute. They were two men. No, there was a cute chick. You don't remember that? There was no woman. There was a woman.

Yes, dude. There was a fucking hot Latina. She was woman in the interviews. There was a woman there. Yes, dude. There was a fucking hot Latina. She was standing in the corner watching us. She's a big Roy DeVision fan. She fucking wanted to fuck me in the head. I don't remember any woman there. It was two men and they acted like... That's because Devin ignores women and only focuses on men. I remember the men were very good. Very good.

I remember they were upset at me because it was like a Glock and they were like, how do you know that? I was like, fucking Grand Theft Auto movies. I good. Very good. I remember they were upset at me because I was like, it was like a Glock, and they were like, how do you know that? I was like, fucking Grand Theft Auto movies. I don't fucking know. It's a gun. It looked like a gun. Devin, you came out hot.

You came out and you said it was a Glock. That is bad. Why is that crazy to say? You're identifying the firearm yet. Well, so like when you're giving a witness testimony, you're supposed to only give- Don't make me take away from your story. No, no, no. This is a good point.

This ties into what my testimony is that I gave. Keep it vague. So they, why? Keep it vague so you can fuck them in the ass. Fuck that homeless fuck. You're interfering with an investigation by saying

it's something because now if they find a different gun, they're like, no, it's not this. This guy said it was a Glock. He must be a weapons master. So you have to be like,

you can't say bullshit. Give them the facts that you don't know, but I don't know what the gun is. I wasn't here. I was like, I didn't mean Glock. I meant he had a giant cock. He fucked my ass with it. That guy.

Yes. That guy, he held a Glock at my head, and then we found out it was a lighter. But that's fine. Who cares? It felt like a gun at the time. You're Rappaport in Copland. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Exactly. Itort in Copland. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Exactly. It was a steering wheel lock. No, it was a steering lock. But no, but I still don't care. If you point anything at anybody, it's to the cage for you. If you shark? Send them to the cage. Anything?

A finger? Anything. You point a finger at me? You point at me. To the cage. You know, I am running for fucking, I'm running for city councilman next year. You don't point a finger to the future city councilman of Los Angeles, okay?

Of Silver Lake? Of Echo Park or whatever? These words, these words, you motherfucker. You will go down. I will send you to the fucking pit. That's what I'm going to run on. I'm running on that next year. I'll send you to the pit. I'll send you to the fucking pit. Yeah. That's what I'm going to run on. I'm running on that next year. I'll send you to the pit.

You have a vague picture of the pit. I have a lot of slogans. Turn a blind eye. Turn a blind eye is my favorite one. I go, there's a lot of homeless out there. There's a lot of drug addicts. Did you ever think or care about what they were doing before you saw them?

No, you didn't. So we're going to send them somewhere and you're going to turn a blind eye. Stop caring about homeless people. Just turn a blind eye. And then if anyone speaks up, I'm going to turn into Kramer from the Laugh Factory set and go, these words, these words. Isn't it interesting? These words, these words. You motherfuckers.

I'm going to go off. That's your Nancy Reagan, like, just say no. You're like, just turn a blind eye. Turn a blind eye. People are protesting. We have to do something about these homeless guys. Just turn a blind eye. I really don't know what's wrong with turn a blind eye.

That's what we need to do. That's what we're already doing. That's what everyone has to live in this city. Thank you, Jerry. You have a spot on my campaign. You're my campaign manager. Yeah, I want Richie there because Richie's a Jew, and he'll really maneuver a lot of things for me.

It'll look better. But yeah, no, that's my campaign. Turn a blind eye. These words, these words. You motherfuckers. You win on that. That's going to be on signs. You motherfuckers.

You can win on that. But no, seriously, no one knew where these homeless people were before this happened. No one thought about them. You should shoot a campaign video, Photoshop the Laugh Factory. That should be the whole thing. Yeah, I will. My promise to you, all in Laugh Factory. Yeah.

Or just get a podium. Just get a podium, put it on the Laugh Factory stage. We've got a green screen right here. That makes sense, right? We do whatever we want, baby. Make the Laugh Factory. I'll Or just get a podium. Just get a podium, put it on the Laugh Factory stage. We've got a green screen right here. That makes sense, right? We do whatever we want, baby. Make the Laugh Factory. I'll do whatever the fuck I want. But anyway,

I am running for city council next year. Cost of 2024. Yeah, by the way. Let's get it going. But anyway, so Joey's home was broken into last week. And they sent a forensic.

So, yeah, so this lady shows up and I just like, I was shocked. They actually sent her and then I I guess that's the whole setup. This is her. Oh, wait. I'll pause for a sec.

Sorry. I'm sorry, Devin. You're not in this at all. Hold on. So she was doing all the prints and stuff. Hold on. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. For real? This was so fucking good. Hey, what's up? Boom was so fucking good. Boom. Boom. We're in. We're in. We're in.

We're in. We're doing it, dude. And then it goes into, god damn it, the ASMR. That was it. That was the beginning. We started. We started. I know, but then it cuts from that to the ASMR.

Yeah. And then we start now. Devin's going to edit that. You want to do that again? Also keep this in. But anyways. We just, so we just came from the ASMR. Thank you for, thank you for staying tuned.

God, that bit was so good. It was such good bits. I was talking shit about these retires. Are we still recording for fuck's sake? It's red. It's red. It's red. Don't blame me. I somehow blame John. I'm just checking. It is John's fault's red. It's red. Don't blame me.

I somehow blame John. I'm just checking. It is John's fault, actually. Yeah, it probably is. It is John's fault. When I come down here, I snip wires. So Joey's home was broken into last week. And somehow the LAPD sent a forensics team to actually dust for prints?

I have two theories. Number one is that a home invasion is considered more serious, and that's why they sent it. I mean, hope. And number two is because I became such bros with the cop who loved Tarantino with me. I think that's it. I think that is it.

It might have been that where he's like, actually, send one. The cop was like, don't take a shower, Joey. We're going to get a kitten here. He's actually like, get naked in front of me real quick. He goes, shit this cum into the cup. Shit this cum. He takes a sip and he goes, that's a good man right there, actually. It's like a Chick-fil-A small cup.

It is funny to think down at the LAPD there there was a guy that walked by the forensics team, and he goes, this guy really loved Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. You go check him out. You go check it out. It sounds like not that serious. Do we really have to send our guys over? He goes, send them. He's like, he's one of us boys.

Want to know what the guy said? Want to know what the guy said? He goes, he said he was black. So send a team. So they sent a forensics team, and is the one like five second thing is that. Yeah. So she came in and I was like, I explained the crime to her and she was smoking hot. She's pretty hot.

Fucking hot. She's pretty hot. She's got the gloves. She's got that. She's got the fucking. I don't buy that. Cops aren't hot. They wear the belt.

Her ass looks big. She's a forensics lady. And by the way, I have a girlfriend. She's got milking gloves on. I wasn't even trying anything. What a forensics lady. She has milking gloves. She's a forensics lady. And by the way, I have a girlfriend. She's got milking gloves on. I wasn't even trying anything. What a forensics lady she is. She has milking gloves. She's like a scientist sort of. Like she does like, she looks at fingerprints and she's a cum scientist.

Are you drooling right now? What's going on? But so she came in and I explained the crime to her and I'm like, here's where prints might be. Here are the uncontaminated areas. And then I said, by the way, do you care if I film this? Thinking 1A, 2A, I can film everything. Fuck yeah.

And then she's like, she goes, by the way, we can FOIA my whole. She didn't have a body cam on, but we can FOIA my 911 call and a bunch of stuff. Oh, that'd be great. But then I go, she goes, please don't film me while I'm doing the actual investigation. But after, how about this? I'll teach you how to do it, and we can do a whole video. That sounds hot. And then so she asked me not to record her face, and this is where this video starts.

She said we could do a whole video? Yeah, like I'll show you how to do fingerprint stuff. Jerking off into the sink from behind. Alright, so this is the video. So she's got like a DeWalt toolbox. She's saying put your fingers in your hair to get oil on.

I feel that it's kind of nice and a little glossy. I think so. Do I just that it's kind of nice and a little glossy. Sure. I think so. Just go ahead and pat down on the surface. Do I just tap it or set it? Gently, yeah. Gently set it on there. And then we're applying some pressure.

Oh my god. This is hot. I'm so fucking horny right now. Are you getting horny? Dude, I'm dripping. Yeah, this is like seven. I like how she's like telling you all the things, like any regular person is supposed to give a fuck. No, I asked her. Find who killed my family, bitch.

No, no, I asked her. That was my fault. She's like, so if you see here, you're like, I don't, my kid is dead. Well, no, no, I specifically said like, please please can you teach me on the video you set her up I asked her and she said yes and this is the result well she's obviously these Hollywood cops

these fucking wannabe famous cops this lady thought this was her big moment she goes oh don't put me on camera please oh don't make me do it please I don't want to do it oh sure Samuel Goldwyn. I'll show you how I get prints. She takes her shirt off.

She's like, oh. We go ahead and so I'm going to use what we call mag powder. Oh, man. Mag powder. Oh, God. What is mag? So this is a magnetic powder. Oh, wow.

This is iron based. Got it. So you'll go ahead and see how it kind of like fluffs up. Whoa. trying to feign a whoa that's crazy now what would you do with something called joey powder would that fluff up for you or you saw nothing at all whatsoever so this is how we okay so they take a black powder they put it on the white yeah and there you're finished that's a magnetic powder crazy i guess the iron somehow clings magnetically to to the oil we're not geniuses. I'm giving you the... That's probably not even right. Oh shit, go back. I talked over the main

funny part. Sorry. So every time my friend John comes over, he always... The toilet is always a mess after. And he denies up and down that he had anything to do with it. Would we be able to use this tech to prove that he's been

abusing the toilet? That is a friend conversation. Okay, y'all. Did she say that is a friend conversation? She's disgusted with you. That's a friend conversation. You're maybe the most ballsy guy ever. Yeah, man. I don't know how you do stuff like that. I wouldn't. There's no way

I would do that. It's CSI Joey. Because I watch a lot of Amagansett so I know what I'm allowed to do. Right. Because I just don't even, I couldn't imagine like pulling my phone out to film me alone doing a gag. I've never, I don't. I've never done a bit for not

like people around me. I thought you guys were at least like it. I know, but still, for not people around me. I thought you guys would at least like it. I know, but still, that's so ballsy. Yeah, it's amazing. Thank you for what you bring. Yeah, you're incredible. You're welcome. I mean, also, she's in my apartment.

Yeah, hell yeah. It's not like I'm going to where she works and filming her. Your taxes pay her fucking salary. I think that would make me more uncomfortable. Good point. Yeah. I think in my own home, I'd go, Oh yeah,

sure. Whatever you want. It was great. It was a glass of water. I'll give you a glass of water. I have LaCroix in the fridge. I don't know. It was really awkward.

And I'll tell you that, uh, after we filmed everything, she, well, first of all, we started filming. I,

and, uh, she said I could film her. And then I said something and she's like, wait a minute, we started filming. And she said I could film her. And then I said something, and she's like, wait a minute. Is this, like, for something? And I was just being honest. I'm like, well, I'm on a podcast.

She's like, okay, I can't be in it. I can't be in it. I was like, okay, no worries. Very cool of her to even keep going. No, I know, I know. Just saying that, yeah. But I was fully transparent the entire time. So then I was like, okay, no worries. I'll do one without your face.

Is that okay? She goes, yes, that's okay. So we did this. Then we finished it and she left and then I went to like piss because I was holding a piss for a long time and I heard knock I heard knocking again and so I went open the door and she's like hey it's me um by the way I just was my paperwork in the video that you just took? And I was like, where was your paperwork? I don't know.

And she goes, she started getting a little weird. She goes, was it in the video? And you go, I like them feisty. You go, I think the paperwork might actually be in my bedroom. I can set up a camera there if you'd like. I was like, I don't know. Do you want to watch the video to see? You swerved her. You go, is your paperwork down here?

You do this. You go, is it right next to your cock? Is that your paperwork, bitch? You go, is this your paperwork? She looks at you and you go, swerve! Swerve! I go, is this your paperwork? And she looks at you and you go, you go, you've watched her twice. Swarf. But I go, do you want to watch the video to see if your paperwork's in the thing?

And she goes, yes, I do. So she watched all your videos. So she came in and we watched it. Oh, I scrolled too far. That's my cock. But she watched it and she goes, she goes, there is paperwork in it. Whoa.

And you can't show it. Oh, we see it right there. It's right there. That's the paperwork. Yeah. And you can't show it. Oh, we see it right there. It's right there. That's the paperwork. Yeah, so we did crop it out, and I ignored her commands. 1-A. 1-A. Ignored commands.

That's beautiful. So hopefully they catch this dirty crook. Look at my sword scars on my fingers, by the way. Beautiful. I am. So hopefully they catch this dirty crook. When you get closer, you can see the ridges. That kicks ass. Look at my sword scars on my fingers, by the way. Yeah, big meaty hands, dude. Look at my sword. My fingers are sliced by that sword.

When you get closer, you can see the ridges. Pause. Yeah. Look at that sword. You can fucking see. Wow, you can see the mark in the middle. Yeah, wow. Full screen now. It's Musashi's mark.

This is the Lemon Party livestream. Yeah. The mark of Musashi. No, but not the middle. Full screen now. It's Musashi's mark. It's the Lemon Party live stream. Yeah. The Mark Musashi. No, but not the mark. Yeah, you were sliced. There's missing flesh, too, on both sides of that. You've been sliced.

Yeah. I'm in slush. That kicks ass. Thank you so much. You're so bored of her. You're like, that kicks ass. Beat it.

Get out of here, bitch. I have $80 with a Prince Street pizza on the way. Hell yeah. Well, good for you, Joey. Good for you. Good for me getting a forensic team?

I can't believe you got them to come. I didn't get anyone. Like I said, this whole city, theft is legal. I can't believe they showed up. I'm glad that they did it, I guess. I highly doubt they're going to catch anybody. They're not going they showed up. I'm glad that they did it, I guess. I highly doubt they're going to catch anybody. They're not going to catch it. Do you ever feel bad

because there's a black guy that broke in? And he did say he wasn't breaking in. He did lie. He did say, is this the place for the shit? So if he came down to it, that's what he said, just like that? He kind of was.

He broke in and goes, he walked That's what he said, just like that. He kind of was. He broke in and goes, He walked in and goes, He put on basketball highlights. I was just thinking, do you have a recording of him? He broke in to watch him, to listen to his mixtape. I want your TV, body weary that is exactly my body weary

that is how he said it he goes man I'm tired from being chased by the police you seem cool though can I hang out here for a while if they catch him

and it was an honest mistake I would hear him out and be like explain your mistake then like what what did you what info did you have

that led you here? And if it checks out, I'd be like, all right, no charges. What if he said, yeah, I was breaking in? Oh, yeah. Yeah, throw him in jail. You could throw him in the cage. Yeah, put him in a cage. Yeah, go ahead.

You could chain him up. I wouldn't feel bad about that. He goes, man, full disclosure, I was here to rob you of everything you got. My bad. I was going to spit roast you. He goes, all right. He goes, I'm going to be honest. I was here to rape you. And he goes, all right. He goes, I'm going to be honest. I was here to rape you.

Keep it real with you. You go, for real? And he goes, yeah, I just thought you were, like, really hot. And then you go, I drop all charges. I don't want to press. He goes, you mean that? I go, here's my number. Yeah, I've been seeing you working out every single day.

I've been watching for, like, three months now. So, body's getting tight. But no, hopefully he doesn't like, you know, do any serious crimes and everything's okay. But yeah, that's kind of the whole thing. Well, I can't, once again, I can't believe they showed up, you know. Same. That was odd. I, you know, I saw Mindy Kaling stealing candy the other day.

And nobody did a thing. It's unbelievable. As like a true crime. In California, you can get away with anything. It kind of, I was a fanboy, to be honest. Not even for content. I was like, this is cool. Yeah.

Like, I want to. You were excited to have been broken into. No, I'm saying with the fingerprint lady. It was just fucking cool. It is cool to see a woman that cares that much. No, just like all the tech and like seeing how their process goes and she's teaching me about it. All the tech. Forensic science. Yeah, refrigerator magnet

science. Oh yeah. That's what it looked like. Didn't look like much. Refrigerator? That's people literally solving murders. Yeah, I don't... Your prints are very advanced. What about all the people that go away wrongfully? No, they deserved it. That's usually witness testimony.

Yeah, that's not a prince thing. I read that recently, too. My cousin, Vinny. Exactly. That's a film. She has bad glasses. That's all I know about the law. No, it's a perfect example.

It was a similar-looking car, and positraction didn't exist on that model of that year. Yeah, okay. Yeah, like Marissa Tomei and the same. Yeah, exactly. You're like, no, like my cousin Vinny. Man. Well, good for you.

I'm still so upset at this. Are you okay? Are you hot? No, I'm just fucking, I'm beat. Do you need a water? I didn't sleep. I didn't sleep well. I'm on four hours right now.

Connor had a rough week, man. Hey, we have a corner, by the way. Yeah, yeah. We're not here. Well, it's Connor's rough week. We don't have to. Actually, you moved a fucking 600-pound safe. Connor was lifting a lot of shit.

Yeah, so I used to work for a moving company in New York, and they did a job out here. They know I'm out here, so they hit me up. It was a two-day move. I packed the entire apartment the other day. Alone? Yeah alone. Jesus fuck Connor. Well there was someone

supposed to help me. They didn't show up. They were there. Okay. Manic woman. Oh no. Like constantly freaking out. Be like I don't know what to do with that. I don't know. It was her uncle. This guy's a fucking whore. He's like a doomsday prepper i packed like pallets of toothpaste oh my god what are you even doing that's awesome paste

and she was all nervous about she's like i don't know if we could pack that we should should we do this real quick can i just say what a fucking faggot doomsday prepper to give a shit about about your teeth their teeth yeah in the Well, that could kill you. Your teeth rotting. I'm picturing the conversation where he's like, this shit will be worth its weight in gold. Everybody's going to say the bullets, but I got toothpaste. That's nonsense. He had pallets of beans.

It was insane, dude. It was the worst. Just so much shit. The next day, the move was happening. I was also packing for like nine hours straight. It was a fucking nightmare. The move happens.

I'm working with the two biggest retards at my company. Like for real. You knew they were from New York? Yes. Number one and number two. They're my old coworkers. I'm like, these are the twogest dumbasses I could possibly be working with It'd be great if they actually

Had like mental deficiencies And you were just saying that I mean they might as well I mean like they are like They're fully out to lunch Dude they are like Not there And uh

Are they strong? No No they suck ass They run the company They're like middle aged men By the way The owner of the company Is a giant like coke head

He's a psychopath Awesome And the manager of my company is the guy who sold him coke. So my little moving company I worked for was a coke head and the dealer running the shit. And anyway, so I'm doing the job. It's truly just like, this guy's a hoarder. There's so much shit. Everything weighed a million pounds.

He had a 600 pound safe looks like the hardest thing i've ever had to move my entire life what's it but what do you think was in it nothing was in it it was empty yeah what a piece of shit that's how much they say where what was the shape of it dude it was so small i can't stress you know it was like this tall and like from the ground yeah no no no from the the table. Oh, shit. It was just like a fucking... Like a cartoon, like a safe in a movie, like a Western where they rob a train and it's in the train. It would kill Wile E. Coyote.

I work for E.H. Harriman of the Pacific Railroad and I will not let you take this safe. By the authority of the sheriff. Dude, so it was such a hell move. And this is the part that drove me up a wall was my co-worker. They were black. Hey, man. Sorry, guys.

Let's be professional, okay? They were black. And that drove me up a wall. But that's not a punchline devon you understand they were not black uh and uh so we realized the job was hell my co-worker who was in from new york helping with the move he goes i got two guys that are gonna come help us two strong young men that's what he said he goes i got two strong young men to come help with this move and me and the other guy were like, great.

We need the help. An hour later, they show up. It is straight up two women. It is two women. And I was just like, what the fuck are you thinking? He's like, they can do it. They can help us with stuff. They couldn't lift anything.

Is that even legal? Are you allowed? Movers allowed to hire women? I mean They have to. Really? It's legal not to hire. Can they move stuff?

This is also like not like done through a company. This is a guy that he knew. This is the guy it's a co-cad. He's like yeah

there's people coming through. I can join the army. Yeah. Yeah you're right. They're allowed to do stuff. How much do they lift? I did text Valerie and I was like dude two women showed up to help us. She goes okay well that's good lift? I did text Valerie, and I was like, dude, two women showed up to help us.

She goes, okay, well, that's good. You have two people helping you. And I'm like, I'm not being sexist, but if you hired movers and two women showed up, you'd be furious. Yeah, that makes no sense. You'd go, what the fuck can you even do? That's insane.

And one of them was 18 years old. Whoa. One was 18. Hey, Valerie, there's two women on the offensive line of her favorite team. She goes, oh, thank God, they can help. They're good. That should be fine. Watch them die.

Watch them die on impact. Was the 18-year-old fat, at least? No. Well, fat women are not women. Wait about... I'm not kidding. It was like a Gen Z fucking wearing jeweler, like a bunch of chains on their neck. That's insane.

Yeah. And I was just like, how do you even know these people? He's like, I met him. Their friend works at Amazon. They were looking for work. She sucks my dick for coke. It was on, and the other one was a middle-aged woman who looked like Bridget Nielsen. It was like.

No. It was the wildest combo of people I've ever seen to come help us move. Young Bridget Nielsen or current? No, current Bridget Nielsen. Wow. Yes. And I was like. That's crazy.

So her face was made of leather. Yes. Yeah. And I was just like, this is hell. This is absolute hell, dude. And we had to move a 600 pound safe. And they were just. I'm working with two grown men who are like...

They told me to get in front of it. We had it on a hand truck and the whole plan was to guide it down the stairs. And it's like, once you let it go off the first step, it's just like, all hands on deck. Let's pull this thing back. It's insanely heavy.

And they were like, Conor, you get in front of it and brace it for impact. And I was like, that's nuts. Fuck off. Brace it. Who should we have get in the front?

The guy with the brightest future. I was like, you guys, if this thing breaks off the leash or the straps, it'll break my legs or kill me. Yeah. And they go, yeah, we're trying to protect the wall.

Dude, it could tear down this entire apartment. I don't give a shit. Bridget Nielsen could block the wall. Exactly. But yeah, it was just fucking hell. I mean, I moved someone from like, I started at 8 a.m. I got finished at 8 p.m. 12 hours.

Just to load this guy's apartment. An apartment. It took 12 hours to load. You were skipping the gym all week, and I thought you were making up a hard job. That actually sounds pretty hard. No, it was like the worst thing I've ever done. That's a nightmare.

That sucks ass. But how did it feel when you got home and you crack open that cold one? Right? Isn't that worth a hard day's work? Euphoric. Euphoric, rightoric right because you feel like so accomplished there is there is something to a working like a working class for sure

that's a beautiful thing yeah good when you actually did something that day do you remember when we worked on the weed farm we had to move all those fucking pieces of wood that was that was gritted down and the me and devin had to move an acre like this they were putting uh what are they walkways between the the mounds for the weed they made us and they had they had these two by fours but the guy had put a layer of paint on them that was grippers like it would grip your boots so you can't you couldn't pick them up they're so heavy with your bare hands they were just they would tear your skin up so the guy had one pair of gloves and me and Devin had to spend like nine, 10 hours doing that,

each sharing a glove. And we, he, he was putting us essentially on timeout because he was sick of us making like gay jokes to each other. That's so funny. And he said,

we got separated on the farm. We got separated because they said we were, we were spreading too much dissent. We were. And like, and like, like distracting too many people. Mexican day livers do not find gay jokes funny.

They got paid half of what we got paid, too. They were so pissed off about that. Gay, white, gringo fucks. He's like, shut up. We were distracting the whites. They were like, these whites are distracting the whites. This is like a jackass episode. This is not okay.

We're getting no work done so they put john and i they thought somehow us alone would like not be a problem oh that was funny so then we made us dig a hole so then they they literally had us do like busy work and we dug a fucking hole for their dog like it was like literally the movie holes this is the best time we've ever had and we were like having a blast this guy was watching us who used to be my fucking neighbor he looks like beavis and we kept looking i kept looking at him like yeah so you know i've known i've known you for like 20 years right as i'm digging a hole it was very fucking i would walk so we got separated and then i would go immediately once we like got assigned our positions i'd immediately go and seek Devin and I would just pretend to work

on his section and I would walk through the farm and I would just find Devin asleep underneath a tree. My favorite story ever. I used to sleep all the time. Devin, my favorite story about your neighbor Devin is that same neighbor. He had a great day, right?

He had a giant dog. Disgusting dog. That was the boss, yeah. One time... I met another neighbor. He used to buy weed from that guy He had a great day in, right? He had a giant dog. Disgusting dog. That was the boss. Yeah. Yeah. So one time. I met another neighbor. But he used to buy weed from that guy. Okay, here's the thing. And one time you texted him and you were like, hey, can I buy weed from you? And he goes, well, I'm not home right now, but if you just want to leave like 60 bucks and grab a handful of weed, my door is unlocked.

I remember that, yeah. And then Devin's on the phone and he's like, all right, cool, yeah. And then he hangs up and he's like, guys, so he said we can go over

and grab a handful of weed. So let's go. And then we all get there and... I don't even remember what we were about to say. There's a giant Great Dane who's out of his mind,

but then Devin goes like, he said a handful, so I think that means... Oh, the Great Dane who's out of his mind, but then Devon goes, like, he said a handful, so I think that means... Oh, the Great Dane's insane. It's like, literally, you open a door, and the dinosaur from Primal comes, like, rushing at you. But then Devon goes, he said a handful, so I think that means everybody could take a handful.

So Devon does two huge handfuls himself, and then he goes, everybody, grab your handfuls. Devon's getting neighborhood kids to come into his house. This guy had a trash bag, a giant trash bag full of weed. Because I knew there was no way to tell. There's no way to tell. Because also I knew him and I was sick of him at that time. But six of us left all

with giant handfuls of weed. We probably took an ounce from him. Which is 28 grams. I think a lot more. Well, that guy was a piece of work. He used to make me do weed runs. I would have to fucking, I had this Ford Ranger

and he would have me drive from fucking like Santa Barbara, Carpinteria down to LA in my Ford Ranger with 50 pounds of marijuana in my passenger seat. Which is by the way, by the way, real quick to set it up.

This wasn't now. This is at the time when that was still illegal. It was still federally illegal. It was still federally illegal, but California had not decriminalized it yet, so you could still get in trouble. I remember him doing a prep talk to me and being like,

hey dude, low-key. And we didn't have licenses. We were raided once. We were raided. It was like fucking seeing out narcos john and i one time we got raided and we ran to the van with the dea came and we ran we ran to the van and we drove off right and we're pulling out and we see them cops coming in and we're leaving in a van and i'm driving. And John's driving. And I grab. I'm yelling at John. Like, I'm not even taking into account the seriousness of the situation. I put on the Narcos theme song.

So it's like. All these people. There's literally, like, seven people in the back of this van, like, freaking the fuck out. It's like, go happy behind you. Me and Devin. Me and Devin made a deal. I remember I looked at you. When they gave us, like, they were like, okay, listen, I'm an attorney for you guys. If you guys get in trouble,

all that shit. I remember the second they told us, I pulled Devin aside and said, if we ever get arrested, it's you and me. We're ratting on everyone. Yes. We don't give a fuck about anyone else here. It's you and me together. I was fully prepared. I was fully prepared to rat on everybody. But this guy, he like sat me. I had to move 50 pounds of marijuana from fucking

a carp to LA to deliver to his fucking retard friend's house it was a trash bag like maybe half the size of you this big this big full of this big folks this big of a trash bag this high am i it was a person i gotta ride and rid in the fucking carpool lane and the guy multiple of them yeah and the guy the guy goes uh he goes hey listen dude like if you're in Ventura County and, like, the cops are behind you and they're, like, trying to pull you over, just don't stop. And I was like, what? He goes, because after the county, they can't keep going. No, no, no. This is what he said.

That's not true. No, no, no. No, this is what he told me. He said, because if they stop you, all the sheriffs in Ventura, they have their own grow-ups. They're just going to beat the fuck out of you and rob you. And I was like, alright dude, that's insane. But we were such losers, we just kept doing

it. I drove this guy, he had a, because these guys make money. $50,000 in cash every fucking week. These retards make a lot of money. And they're high all the time, and any time any real thing happens in life, they flip the fuck out because they're high

and so if they're sober for a second they're like what the fuck god damn it like i have to work like they're like they flip out like because they just they haven't they're not alive they're not really alive so this guy one time he had me drive drive up his fucking old, like, his vintage Mercedes. Oh, I remember that fucking car. He had, like, a vintage, like, Mercedes or some car like that. Was it, like, a hatchback or something? It was a hatchback. Yeah.

Some old fucking, like, vintage car. He had me drive it up. The whole time I'm driving up to Santa Barbara, he's barbara he's texting me like like don't don't fuck it up like like watch out and i'm like yeah i'm in the slow lane like what do you want out of me what do you want me to do and oh my god we were treated like utter so they gave us a van and the van the um in is it the uh the, so when you, when you hit the accelerator on a vehicle, a valve opens up

in the engine and it brings, it's the, there we go. It basically causes the car to go forward. So the valve that would open up

in the engine that caused the car to go forward, it got too carbonated and it was stuck in the open position. So I'm driving like eight people

down the fucking 101 and the car won't stop accelerating. And I'm on my way to Weed Farm and I, I remember this. Okay, sick, go on. It was like seed. It was like seed. the fucking 101 and the car won't stop accelerating and i'm on my way to weed farm and i okay remember this okay sick go on it was like okay badass go on no no so i i i i hit the brakes the brakes are smoking you remember this yes the brakes are smoking we pull we get pulled i i eventually

we pull over to like some like santa whatever they're all called santa something yeah and then every place up north is called santa fucking fag everyone working with us right folks i'm quick today yeah this is maybe my best episode yet like eight mexicans hop out of the fucking van and one white girl and the cop is like standing there and i see him like the things in his head. Like, and then we jumped out, and they were, dude, after that, that was one of those high-tension scenarios that we all reeked of marijuana.

Yeah. The guy, and then I remember Joseph, the fucking, he was Latino. He, like, looked at us, he was like, thank God you fucking guys are here. We would have been fucked if it wasn't a white guy here. Okay, one time.

Yeah. One time. By the way, remember the corner still has to happen. We got the corner. Look, we had 25 minutes You're not factoring in We give the people what they want I want to do six hours

I'm just saying, I'm thinking about pacing And I care about the people Let's make sure it's a recording Let's hear more about this Manual lever's still good You really have a way with You have a way with You have a way with energy To just kill the energy of everything

It just Unbelievable You're an energy smith Wait so Jose said Like hey thank god you guys have a driver's license Cause that could have gotten risky I don't know what John was talking about that sucked But

You're there! I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Remember when the venture capitalist that ran the whole farm, that guy that was like a millionaire? The Dutch guy? No, no, the white, regular white guy. And we had to drive him home that time.

No. We drove him home with everybody in the van. Everyone's in the van. It's like five Mexican guys in the van. Who we were great friends with. Danny and all those guys. And this dude's in there and he's talking for like two hours straight.

Just hot shot bullshit. He's like a millionaire. He pulled over and killed him. He's putting money into the farm. It's like a massive farm. It's like- Eight acres, 3,000 plants an acre. It was a real place.

Weed business is booming. With gates and shit. There was like a Dutch guy that used to drive around on like a golf cart, and he used to watch us like a slave owner. It was like very bizarre. It was weird that he was Dutch, too. And so we drive this guy home one time, and he's like trying to make jokes. He keeps trying to fuck Allie, who's the hottest one we work with.

And we pull into this neighborhood, and there was these Mexican people on the road, like day laborers or whatever. And they were coming up to the van like, hey, hey, hey. And he gets out, and he goes, immigration, immigration, immigration. Oh, my God. He starts screaming immigration at them. Jesus. And then he gets in the car to make a joke like, yeah, I'll just send him away.

God damn. What the hell? He goes, all you got to do is call this number. Send him away. And then he gets out and walks to his mansion. Yeah, his entire labor force is illegal immigrants. And then the guy driving was Danny, our Mexican friend. Oh, his entire labor force is illegal immigrants. And then the guy driving was Danny, our Mexican friend. And Danny

goes, I thought I fucking liked that piece of shit. It was like, dude, it was a weird... It was a cinematic, like, that was like a weird movie moment where I'm like, that's bizarre. I just watched a white millionaire

think he was comfortable, because he spent two hours in I just watched a white millionaire think he was comfortable because he spent two hours in a car with us. He thought he was comfortable enough with all of us to say something like that. Was he trying to be funny? No, not at all. He was legitimately like, here's how I show these guys who's boss.

He had a home right in front of the Hollywood sign. We dropped him off in front of the Hollywood sign. He lived in a cul-de-sac right in front of the Hollywood sign. Okay, yeah. We dropped him off in front of the Hollywood sign. He lived in a cul-de-sac right in front of the Hollywood sign. He kept talking. He always would say, all these fucking people smoke weed and try to come to the Hollywood sign. I take them away.

He was just a tone-deaf rich guy who was probably a narcissist. He was like, these guys are lucky to be hanging out with me. He was. He had that attitude. These are peons, but I'll take a free ride. Sure. It was really, really, really great. Dude, I forgot a detail of this moving

job I did. I was working with the owner of the company, Psychopath. Talks like this, man. He's a cokehead, pillhead. At one point in the job, he goes, alright, everybody, we gotta take 10. We got to take 10 and realize what we're doing here.

Let's think before we act. And I go, hey, man, we're putting shit into a truck. There's not much to think about. And he goes, no, no, no, McNutt. We got to take 10. And then he goes, we got to take 10, think about the shit, and allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Humpty.

Oh, no. Pronounced with the umpty. And he raps the entire Humpty rap song. Oh, no. The entire song. Word for word. It was a minute and a half of all of us me my other co-worker two women just staring at him holding boxes while he's rapping the humpty song oh my god that reminds me of the time that i was with a yes yes yes yes the whole song and then we walk outside and me and the middle-aged

woman were there and she goes he's not that bad and i go he's not that bad and she goes i mean when he started rapping the humpty song i was like oh he's like a normal guy she liked it and i go that you thought he was normal that was like when he started doing that i was like this is the most insane person i've ever seen in my entire fucking life that's that's that's how that's that's that's how normalized they are and i realized like that's why you're here people yeah that's why you were called ten minutes before the start and you showed up. Because you thought

rapping the Humpty song... You flip out in a racist way. I was freaking out. I'm surrounded by insane people. That's why you're here, Juanita! You have no fucking respect for yourself! You just look at yourself like a fucking Mexican! And you're better than that.

You're Dolph Lundgren's wife. In Rocky 3. That's who you are. Allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Humpty. Dude, I was losing my mind. Oh my god. We're like six hours into the move

and he raps all of the Humpty raps. I'm so disappointed in John's syphilitic brain that he doesn't remember this. You don't remember Danny driving off being like, I fucking thought I liked that guy. Fuck that piece of shit. John has weird gaps in his memory. I've lost a lot. I do too though, man.

I can't remember a lot of shit. Do you remember how much he used to get upset at me for, I wanted to crack open a beer in the back of the car? Yeah, you're a retard. Because John was driving and he was saying, I'll get a car. Devin's justification was, if I get a wet reckless, which is what I would have gotten if somebody was drinking

an open beer in the car, he would have paid the ticket. You've also said no to me drinking in your car. Nobody drinks in my fucking car. That wasn't what I was upset by. Here's the thing, Joey. Deon had his little prince fucking ego thing and you want to have a fucking beer in a vehicle that was moving what was it buddy other people in the car were doing it and they were mexican and they weren't me i never knew you were okay i would let

people you never knew that you had some i never knew that you had some subtle white racism no no no no no no no you know what it No, no, no. Reverse racism. You know what fucking happened probably? Devin thinks. Leon. Leon was drinking beers in the back. Devin thinks everybody. Yeah, Leon's a retard.

But also, was I driving when Leon was drinking beers in the back? Yeah. I don't. I wanted to crack mine open with him. And you didn't let me. That's not the truth. It was just you, buddy. He goes, Devin, Devin.

He's earned this. Nah, Devin. Leon didn't ask. Of course he didn't ask. He's not the truth. It was just you, buddy. He goes, Devin, Devin, he's earned this. He's earned this, Devin. Of course he didn't ask. He's Latino. That's what I'm saying. Devin had the grace to ask. Devin probably saw Leon crack one open. I didn't know Leon had cracked one open. And Devin had the white grace to ask for permission. Exactly.

I had the white respect. You should have just opened it up, though. And John, like, at that time, pretended to not respect white respect. White respect, yeah. Because you were a liberal racist. From what I remember, you were the only one trying to drink beer in the van. And that's what happened. You had your blinders on.

We were all drinking it up in the back. But you had a problem with me. Me and Devin have like three arguments we got into. We got into huge arguments. No, legendary ones. There was one that lasted like an hour and everything. The 7-Eleven argument? No, I'm talking about the last 15 episodes of this podcast.

Yeah. Which probably I want to clear up. I saw some things online. Reddit is the... Reddit's unhinged. Our next quarter should almost be like Let's do a deep dive into the twisted minds Of the Reddit guys The people that think John and I

Are like about to We are doing a thing here But also John is retarded and drives me crazy Of course it's all real We're all retarded We're best friends We get on each other's nerves. You're not in any position to blame anybody else.

I can do whatever I want, buddy. There you go. That's all I'm saying. Look at that behavior. He's a sick man. I can do whatever I want. I can do what I want. Fuck you. I can do what I want. I'm a total team. Fuck you. I can do what I want. Dude, they think I hate you.

You're just very fucking funny. They think I genuinely despise you as a person. Which is beautiful. I love you. I do, but it's like that's none of their business. I think you're irredeemable, buddy. I love fan hypothesis. It's psychotic.

Me and Devin get off of this podcast and we go watch fucking Copland. They think John and I legitimately hate each other. I see John more than anybody on earth. He's over all the time. He calls me every morning. We talk around the clock. I'm a big caller. I don't like texting.

Yeah, I don't like that. It's a little annoying. You always call me. I call you. You woke me up today. Pick up. You called me today and woke me up. It's time to rise and shine and face your best buddy, Johnny.

I think you're a fat, worthless fuck. And I don't know why these people think we have a problem. I'm also a caller. But if you called me, I'd kill myself. I literally, it's funny because I was just telling you before we started recording here, I was like, I think Devin and I have been in like four real arguments. Real arguments. But people think these ones on the podcast are real. In like 12 years. I was like, I think Devin and I have been in like four real arguments. Real arguments.

But people think these ones on the podcast are real. In like 12 years. And we've technically known each other for like 15. Yeah. Which is crazy. I'll defend your guys' arguments for a second, even though I've been getting annoyed by them too. They're obnoxious. They're obnoxious, but I will say as an offense to them, I read a lot of these comments and I go like, oh, these are guys that don't really have close friends.

Yeah. Because once you're really close with a person, if you haven't like had like some vicious argument with them, it's like you're not really close. You're not friends. You're not friends, yeah. But also me and Devin, like as soon as quickly as me and Devin can sit down and like make a joke about something, I can easily sit down and I know exactly what I can say to get me and Devin arguing. Of course. I can just sit down on the couch and be like, hey, what do you think about that? And he'll be like, what the fuck are you talking about? Then we can just start arguing.

Anyone who knows anyone can do that. But in a fun way. Why do you choose? When do you choose? It's like, you know. Well, it's toxic. What I take out of it is that it's just not good radio, I guess. But it inspires the debate.

People loved it. No, it's great radio. It's starting a conversation. We have more enthusiasm and conversation behind this podcast than people that are making 30 times the money we're making, which is bizarre. We have 4,000 subscribers on YouTube. It's so weird. We have 100% of the views of our subscribers. It makes no sense.

We're a punk rock podcast. Like I said. It's pirate radio. It's pirate radio. We do what we want. We give you what we want. And that's that. So I guess there's a corner here tonight, Johnny, right?

Right. So all of these brilliant dynamics that Demis described. A lot of people think I, they ask about my process. They only want to know how I'm so brilliant. Right. It's like, oh, you think this stuff just shows up out of nowhere? No, there's a brilliant mind. It's flattering.

And I guess this started as a lemon party. I'm so amused by it. I think as a lemon party troll. Just somebody kept saying, like, let me know about your process. And then I made the mistake of being like, I don't even know. Shut up. And then they kept doing it,

which you can't never do. You must have said, this is just a pure guess. You must have said at some point something where you were describing like, oh, here's how I, when I made this sketch, this was the process. And then somebody... I tried thinking of that, because I was like, where is this coming from I, when I made this sketch, this was the process. And then somebody. I tried thinking of that because I was like, where is this coming from? I don't think I have done that.

I try to not be as gay as possible. Well, if anybody knows. Maybe I did. Maybe I did. But there's a Lemon Party theme going on where people go like, I want Devin to tell me what was his writing process and all that. Oh, played the airdrop of the chick. Oh, of the chick.

So somebody hired a whore. Oh, I thought that was her just being curious about you. No. That sucks, dude. Are you kidding me? Are you serious? Devin's hot. I don't know.

Somebody hired a whore to ask him. John, she's reading from a script. I thought those were her papers. You're so good at your writing process. And how do you come up with such good comedy bits? John, she's reading from a script. I thought those were her papers. I literally thought that was a porn star that just loved Devin so much and wanted to fuck him and was really curious. You're insane. So did my mom. That's nuts that you couldn't get that. I just think so highly of my friends. did my mom. That's nuts. You couldn't get that. I just think so highly of my friends.

Thanks, buddy. I appreciate you thinking that, but that would not happen out of nowhere. I don't know. Hopefully one day, this podcast is so big that there's whores asking me about my presence, because I'm a brilliant man. Right now, they're asking me that line for some reason.

The goal is whores. Whores, whores, whores. That's the goal for every man in history is whores. Sure, I'm getting married next month, but the goal is whores. So anyways, I saw that video and I started investigating what is this bit? What does this mean? And so we did a corner where it's called Devin's Process Corner.

Devin's Process Corner. But here's the thing. I'm not singing a song this week because it's weird. If it's my corner, I don't sing a song about me. Joey is going to attempt a song. Now I'm nervous. I fucking forgot I have to sing.

I wish I could give this to Joey. You can talk to the forensics team and tell them whatever you want. Use the voice you like. Well, music is different. Music is... It's a little different. I'll help you. You got it.

You're a songbird. Make sure I can see that screen so I can see... I know the... The lyrics? Karaoke. Yeah, yeah. Okay. All right.

Okay. Use the gambler voice. You ready? My new Leonard Cohen voice. Let her go. Yeah. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go.

Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. Let her go. the jokes to say but you wouldn't really care for jokes would you?

It goes like this, the words the jest, the writer's craft a true process the baffled retard composing very good ones The baffled retard composing Very Good Ones

Very Good Ones Very Good Ones Very Good Ones Very Good Ones Very good ones There's more Your faith was strong But you needed proof Gavin's wit

A funny goof His pen in hand He writes a very good one. He cracked the code, the humor scale. For the tards, they laugh, they wail. He wrote the jokes that please them. Very good ones. Very good ones very good ones very good ones very good ones very good

Very good ones. One more verse. Woo! Maybe there's a goof above, but all I've learned from laugh and love is how Devin process rings of very good ones. devon process rings of very good ones it's not a cry that you hear at night it's not someone who has seen the light it's a laugh and it's a joyous very good one Very good ones. Very good ones. Very good ones.

Very good ones. Very good ones. That's where the Brooklyn landed there. I had a fire. That was beautiful. That was beautiful. Fantastic. Great shit, Joey.

It's Columbus Day, motherfucker. It's Columbus Day. Oh, so the actual corner now. Woo! Great shit, Joey. That was beautiful. That was wonderful. Thank you. shit, Joey. That was wonderful. That was wonderful.

Thank you. We all united. It was great. Let me find something to play under the questions. Do a cool organ. That was like euphoric. What are songs about writing? Yeah.

Songs about writing? Harmonized. Who was that lady? The lady back in the... The rest is unwritten. Unwritten by Natasha Whatever Natasha Bedingfield I didn't know her last name

I have a very embarrassing I had a fedora phase Really? When I was younger For the questions? How young? You can ask the questions I had a fedora phase and one time she was doing a live concert in the americana for

free and i met natasha benningfield and there's a photo of me with natasha benningfield i'm in a fedora hell yeah dude all right uh all right devon's process corner welcome welcome welcome so i posted a thing that said like hey you guys are all curious about devon's process corner. Welcome, welcome, welcome. So I posted a thing that said like, hey, you guys are all curious about Devin's process. Now's your chance to really get answers. So here's the questions. Reach out and

touch a cock. Question number one. How does Devin decide how loud to call someone a retard from D Pickens? What? Babe. My bad.

How do I? Wow. Very good. What is it? How loud or how does Devin decide how loud to call someone a retard? It's all natural, baby. It's all natural. It just comes.

Instinct. I feel like the one thing I want to be known for when I pass is that he said retard the best. At the right volume every time. I want people to go, man, when he said it, it was like the best retard I've ever heard. Where he just said it. Shut up, retard! You want people to understand the distinction in how you feel about them by the tone in what you're saying about it.

Thank you, Connor. There's a gauge to retardation. And if you go, he's a retard. That's very passive. It's fine, it's passive. And you go, that guy's a fucking retard. That's Brent Gellman. What about a dying retard?

How would you say it to them? To a dying person? To a dying person that's retarded. Here we go. That poor retard. I'd go, I'd go, I'd go, it's time to die, retard. And I'd pull the plug. He's like Dr. Sleep.

He's not even dying. He's an IV and you just pull the plug. And they're like, what were you planning on doing there? He came in for a tonsil surgery. I'd kill him. Time to die, Rita. Question number two. Question for Devin's process quorum.

Devin, you are the Scorsese of sketch comedy. When you get writer's block. Wow. You picked really complimentary ones. There had to be a lot of complimentary ones. No, no, no. That's amazing. I left out a handful, but these are the ones.

You're this carcassier of sketch comedy. When you get writer's block, what do you find helps more? A cock in the ass or a cock in the mouth? I love how I go, you picked really complimentary ones. That's from Gabe Redman, legendary video game. Wow, wow, visionary. Canadian guy. I like a cock in the ass more than the mouth. Cock in the ass.

You don't see it. You like to be spit roasted. You like to be Eiffel Tower. I do like the Eiffel Tower. It gets the brain in the ass going. Sometimes I feel like we took Connor and we just corrupted him so poorly.

Yeah, he's making spit roast jokes. Connor's now like, no, you're not getting spit roasted. I'm like, what were you doing four months ago? It was so much more to stick with. I was in a moving truck. It wasn't good. It wasn't any better than this. It was hell.

Devin's a lucky Pierre. Next question. Lucky Pierre. Next question. Lucky Pierre. Next question. Devin, we all know that the driving force behind your creativity on the pod comes from the sheer terror of being an otter in the thundering presence of two bears. Yeah, that's true. And a badger. Yeah, right.

Connor's a badger. Oh, we forgot we did the badger. I forgot Connor's a badger. However, this does not explain your sudden burst of genius on Lemon Party. Is it because Chase is fat and gay enough to be considered two bears? Yes. Or because you feel some sort of competitive

challenge as an otter in the presence of the weasel, Ben. The weasel, Ben. From Luke. It's like a DMX song. We got snakes and rats and cats and dogs. We're all animals to these people. It's kind of beautiful.

I love that Jace keeps catching strays. It's unbelievable. Jace looks like Ewan McGregor right now. Well, that's a compliment. He has a sick haircut and he's jacked and he's huge. I like that. That's saying that Jace looks like Brawl in Cell Block 99 right now. Yes.

Jace looks incredible. I was at Ben's place the other day. I was looking at jace and i will i go wow what what prowess he has he's i've always been a powerful looking man yeah i've been amazed by jace's size and not in like a healthy way i've been amazed at jace's size and like a weird phrenologist scientist of the turn it's like i want to breed jace no it's crazy it's truly like i i would It's truly like I would bid the highest number I was like buying Jace

I know I've made Jace uncomfortable I'll see him and be like wow If I was a slave owner I'd buy Jace and I'd go Time to riff boy Yeah I don't have an answer for that I truly Consider all three of us on Lemon Party. Do you feel competitive with Ben?

No. That's why the show works. The show works so that I don't feel competitive. I've known them too long. So there's a nice symbiotic. I don't feel competitive with anybody we podcast with. Perfect. Very good. Next question.

JP Ryder Morgan. Lovely man. Our first Patreon subscriber. What a G. And video editor. He runs the hate watch Instagram page. Yeah. Dear Devin, I'd like to consider myself a creative person who makes art and such.

Have you ever found yourself creating something, giving it your all, only for people to not pay attention, and then pay attention to the things that you made with less effort? How do you deal with that? Love you, gang. Keep Columbus Day going, folks. There we go.

That's classic. Is he my conscience? Yeah. What? I know. Yes. My whole life. That cut deep, huh?

That's crazy. Yeah, JP. I got to say, after Betty Ratt, he is my favorite listener. Oh, of course. No, that's, yes, that's how I felt. So answer. Yes. Everything I've made that's really good, no one has seen.

And everything that's gone viral, I'm like, whatever. How do you deal with it? I start a podcast where I say fag and retard all the time. And then finally people kind of know about me. Not even. Very good. Next question. How creatively

tapped out does Devin need to get before he goes back to his well of inspiration, aka restarts the Sopranos from Kyle Anderson, the guy that made the Crystalia doc? Oh, right. I like a.k.a. restarts the Sopranos from Kyle Anderson, the guy that made the Crystalia doc. Oh, right. I like Kyle. Yeah. I mean, that's

a weird question because I watch random Sopranos episodes all the time. It's not really a restart. I haven't watched it from beginning to end in a decade because I know it too well. Is there a gap of time though where you're like fuck I am like either getting

depressed or I'm just like I don't want to watch anything else and I haven't seen Sopranos in two weeks and now it's time to turn it on is there a gap of time is there an amount of time where it's just like okay what's the max that you've gone without watching oh um like a month probably a month yeah like a month

one month I uh I watch the Sopranos like it's like that you've gone without watching? Oh, like a month, probably. A month? Yeah, like a month. One month. I watch The Sopranos. Like I've said, The Sopranos is an adult pacifier to me. I love that. Yeah. That's exactly what it is for me, too. Next question.

By the way, this is how safe you are of actually getting in trouble. The guy who made the Chris D'Elia documentary is like a big fan of Devin Costner. You're right. You're right. That's how bulletproof you actually are. There's nothing to hide. You're right, actually.

I think everyone, even a guy like him, everyone gets it. Everyone knows where my heart is. I'm joking around. I'm fucking around. I become a drunk character. And those women who come out against you, we'll make them vanish.

Diddy wants to talk about getting accused of rape by one woman. drunk character. And those women who come out against you, we'll make them vanish. I got a lot of these. Diddy wants to talk about getting accused of rape by one woman. How about a thousand, buddy? How about one thousand? The hell you living? Next question. Oh, great Otter King Saracost of the Costa Clan, I come seeking wisdom. When you're swimming in the ocean eating fish, how did you

come up with the sleep-deprived beauty of the Target guy? Did you truly want a man to squirt gravy on your steak as a deep homosexual desire? And John, you and John share a desire you and John share? Or was this just sheer comedic genius bestowed upon you by the gods? Bog by them. Well, yeah, I guess it's the latter, which is way too flattering.

Very good. Next question. How much does the choice of beverage affect the outcome of the pop process from Zach? Oh, it's a week-to-week thing. You never know. Like today, our first episode, I was way too hammered.

I said a bunch of crazy things about the Middle East, I think. Yeah. And it made everyone uncomfortable. That was a Patreon. Then we started this one. Then the beginning didn't record, even though it was like this was going to be an epic episode. And it still is. Just listen to the audio and then let this

happen. But yeah, it's... We've... Listen, I've definitely let the uh the podcast uh let my drinking get out of a hand slightly but um i think it's irresponsible to drink while you're doing a thing that people watch but go ahead also if we can see a graph of when Devin drinks hard liquor, the ratio to when he gave Ashes John, the correlation would be perfect. I was going to say, I think there should be a new rule where it's probably no hard liquor.

Yeah, no more liquor. No more liquor. I don't think it's conducive to a good show. You guys are right. You guys are right. You guys are completely right. I made this point fucking months ago. That's where I got the idea.

Yeah. I'm just saying, there's been a lot of episodes where I've been completely, it just depends on if I ate before or whatever. Next question. Hey, Devin, I'm really interested

in your pre-production methods. Do you typically do research on good gay bash techniques to use on John or does a lot of the fat gay retard stuff just roll off the dome in the moment, much like semen rolling off John's fat bald head. Jesus Christ, Ben.

Good God. I didn't even proofread these. We went to Catholic school, man. We've been doing this since day one. Yeah, it's not. It's easy as fuck. I'm not going into episodes like, I can't wait for John to get here.

I have so many gay jokes ready. Like, no, it just happens. These are uncensored next group. It's like breathing. From Isaac. My question is, how does an otter like Devin write anything? One would assume his little slippery wet paws would ruin any papery touches. And we all know otters do not do well with technology.

So is there a secret otter way to record his ideas, Isaac? No. No. Hello. Next question. Hello, Devin. I'm curious what role your diet plays in the creative process with respect to supplying your brain with the proper nutrients.

You picked the nicest ones. There had to be some really mean ones. The people that started this had to be mean. Also, where can I buy the cum that you recommend to supplement with your Flintstones vitamins from Trevor? Very vitamins from Trevor. Very good, Trevor. Well, I only take vitamins that are built out of men that look like little tiny men.

Very, very good. We're moving right along. Next question. Does the artist sleep in a body of water with his micropenis wiggling in the air, fumbling through social media until he gets a hard-on forging his

topic of a joke from Eric Riddles. Yes. Let's take a minute on that one. Uh, do I... Let's take a minute. I love the wiggling in the air. I love the visceral image of a cock who's just wiggling his micropedis. In the air. It's so funny to me.

Yeah, I don't know. This guy's thinking of a micropedal. If I'm not doing... Devin's got a hog. If I'm not at Ben's and we're writing a sketch or we're not like

working on something, I'm here and I'm hanging out with you guys and before I hang out with you guys, all I'm doing is thinking about...

I'm like sending myself stuff for the podcast and thinking about what would be funny and that's it. I don't know. That's all I do because i don't this is what we have this is all we do there are way more of these than i fucking thought yeah this is fucking hang on no let's keep going i have four or more but i'll go through them fast this one from carlos garcia who is a socal native that you've met johnny oh car, Carlos. Fuck you, psychopath.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he goes, greetings to the crew. Hope this message finds you well. My question is for Devin. How hard is it to not have the show just be shitting on John and his disastrous decisions that he makes that leave him on the edge of an abyss

that all can see, except for him? All joking aside, all joking aside, I hope everything works, except for him. All joking aside, all joking aside, I hope everything works out well for John. I met him once at his bar, and I found him to be very personable. I can see why he makes friends easily.

On a side note, the time I went to his bar, I wasn't there for even five minutes, and the guy that John was having a conversation with was calling him fat and gay. True story. Keep on hating. Carlos Garcia. Sorry. I'm not saying anything. I love you, Carlos. The John jokes start

because they're... No offense, buddy. Because you started... I'm an outdoor cat. You started living a shady life. Yeah, I'm crazy. Purposely, in a weird way. It's like a weird, masochistic monastic... You know what i mean it's yeah it is so i'm romanticizing it but it's not i'm not trying to like motivate you out of it but i'm like you're like i can't be your

friend that like is like uh-huh yeah devon's a hard seat i already that's whatever also i already do that enough oh devon does i go along with i go along with your nonsense all the time and so here and there i have to be like, what? And then, you know, sometimes on the pod, you're a little maniac. I'm sick in the head. John also talks shit, too, so it's not like he's being attacked out of nowhere.

I was like, bait Devin. I want him to talk shit. It's the thing. Judd knows it's fun, and it's funny, and people don't give him credit because they're not understanding that he is aware of that dynamic. That being said, you shouldn't get a motorcycle and you, by the way, you did lie about watching The Sopranos and that just moved right

on. That was kind of an incredible that was an incredible just like a analogy to literally what I make fun of you for. You literally moved right on and you never thought twice about that.

You know what's funny? We watched The Killer and then I was like, we should watch The Browns after this, but then Copland came around. What did you think of The Killer, John? I don't think you were thinking that. I did, 100%. The second time, I liked it even more than the first. I watched it last night again.

I felt the same as the first time, which I liked it, but I didn't think it was as great as you guys thought. Next question. Devin's process of sucking off John may be interesting

to some. Instead, I'd like to inquire why it hasn't been acknowledged that Connor is clearly the gayest of the foursome from Jody. I love these people using the Devin's corner to really throw shade at Connor. Yeah. Connor, answer.

Yeah, I'm the gayest. I don't know. Yeah, sure. Yeah. What's my thought? Yeah, I'm the gayest one. That's a guy that's literally been jacking off to you for seven weeks in a row. That's Matty's alt. Oh, okay.

No, I'm kidding. No, it's a guy named Jody. He thinks you're the gayest one. Oh, it's a guy named Jody. What? Jody? That's a girl's name, bro. Oh, dude.

Who's gay now? Damn, what's up? That might be a girl. Slays curtain, motherfucker. Yeah. Get out of here, bro. Irish slays curtain motherfucker. No, I don't know if he's a man of Roman,

but Jody, that's what he said. Definitely a dude, bro. Who let this IRA motherfucker into my thought? By the way, all the negative comments that came in about me,

delete it. Next question. Almost done here, guys. Almost done. Hey, boys, big question for the DCPC. I don't know what that means. Do you know? question. Almost done here, guys. Almost done. Hey, boys. Big question for the DCPC.

I don't know what that means. Do you know? Devin caught politically correct. I don't know. Does Devin use his long history of sexual abuse and violence toward disenfranchised women to inspire his comedic silent characters? God bless. I'm fat and gay. Cringe fags.

Do I use my what to do what? Your long history of violence against women to inspire your comedy. Yes, because I've heard the screams. I've heard people not want me to do what I'm doing at that moment. And I go, well, if I can go through that and be fine and just intimidate them, and I'll once again come out scot-free, I can do a podcast. Well, you hear the screams and you go this almost sounds like laughter it does

how can I curve that a little bit thank you Connor nobody wants to know how the sausage is made but that's how and here's the next question I think one or two more after this is my favorite question we had a fucked up episode the beginning next question. I think one or two more after. Oh my god. Jesus Christ. We'll be out of here soon.

This is my favorite question. We had a fucked up episode. The beginning's like... It was the best beginning ever. This is my favorite question by far. Ever. In any corner. Big build up. Shouldn't have done that. Devin, tell me more

about the writing process that contributes to the brilliance of the John Knopf character you write for the show. Does it take a mental toll putting yourself into the shoes of such a gay, fat, and homeless character?

How did you write the scene where the John character did the infamous bit about the Mexican guy bleeding and crying during a botched beer heist? When did you... Did John... Did you say that at a beer heist where a guy got stabbed? No, a while ago.

So this guy heard that... Who's this? Chris. So he heard that and... Who's this? Chris. So he heard that and he thought you were like a sadistic. Like, why are you laughing about such a sick thing? A guy steal beer and then got... Yeah, he was trying to steal beer and he fell on his face trying to steal beer. And you were laughing and loved it, I guess.

Yeah, it's great. So he's saying... Okay, no, let me finish. There's one more part. John, how did you write the scene where the John character did the infamous bit about the Mexican guy bleeding and crying? Be your eyes.

When did you decide to make his family a long line of Nazis with weak sphincters? From Chris? That's true. That's for John. I make half a million dollars a year and I live in a three-bedroom apartment. They say you're not getting this guy saying that he thinks

John is a character. I'm actually. Here's the thing. No one could write John. They'd win Academy Awards every fucking year. I'm not writing John. He's literally right next to me.

He's genuinely retarded. Literally the last question. First off, congratulations on beating the allegations, Devin. Thank you, buddy. Thank you. Thank you. Now, seeing how Hatewatch

is such a tightly scripted and finely tuned machine, and you are its perfectionist maestro conductor, how do you account for the presence of both the distractingly handsome Joey, impervious to rape, he says, in air quotes. Impervious.

It may not present you. And, sorry, John. And the repugnant grotesquerie of John. I love the word grotesquerie. Repugnant grotesquerie. Grotesquerie is such a great word. And then in parentheses he goes, very susceptible to rape. I can't be raped.

That's what he thinks. And then it would take like three years. John, this is not your question. That's from Sigurond Valor from Iceland. Oh. He is the Lemon Party guy, and he found us through that. Nice, nice, cool. So that's the last question.

Go ahead. Let's end it on that, DC. What do you have to say? How do I, I mean, I don't, I just like the word impervious. It reminded me of the part. Good task, Jerry.

You know, you know the John Knopf's, they're impervious to rape. You know what Freud said about John Knopf. You know what Freud said about John Knopf. He's impervious to rape.

I would say it's a nice balance for you, you know? Yeah. Yeah, man. I mean, um, I... You guys, you, all three of you are my best friends in the face of the earth. Who is number one if you had to pick? Who would go the farthest for you, Devin? I can't do that. I can't do that.

That's the thing about having great friends. People don't understand. Once you have... Once you have an actual group of great friends. As a true entertainer, as the people think, you will end the podcast right now with a pick. Who? Number one. You have to pick one, and now it's the end. Go.

Pick one now. Go. I can't. I can't. No, go ahead. Do it. I can't. I just can't. Sorry, guys. I can't. Maybe you're wrong about Devin. Jack Knight! All right!

Great answer. See you, everybody! Good answer. Good night, everybody. Sorry. I gotta bounce.