Hate Watch with Devan Costa - Vulnerable Kings

Episode Date: October 2, 2023

Gags, actors, crisis actors, Brittney Spears, Conner knew people at the Mandalay Bay shooting, Joe Biden gets cheered on during speech, Devan tells a crazy story of when he acted in a school play https://www.patreon.com/HateWatchPodcast

It's good to be in something from the ground floor. I came too late for that. I know. But lately I'm getting the feeling that I came in at the end. The best is over. Many Americans, I think, feel that way. What's the point?

What's the fucking point? Hey, let's figure it out. My mom just texted me saying, I'm sure you will use that. Oh yeah, Connor's dad just called me and told me something he couldn't believe was so funny. He goes, so I'm sitting at the bar.

He goes, there's a black and a Puerto Rican. Swear to God. But then he goes, beautiful people. Beautiful people. You should have seen them. And then he told a story that I didn't quite understand. He was like telling them about towns to go to. He's like, because they were like, I guess they don't quite understand. He was, like, telling them about towns to go to. He's like, because they were like, I guess they don't know about, like, wildlife.

He's like, you got to go up to, you know, to Kernville. And once you're in Kernville, you know, you go up to Lone Pine. You go right on whatever highway. Then you're in the Alabama Hills. What? And then you see, like, deer and shit. I guess they don't have deer there, I guess. Yeah, and then my dad just pauses speaking. And and he's like get it black people alabama and i was like i did not get that

oh what the hell i thought there was like some actual hills no there are but they reacted like oh that sounds terrible we're never going to the alabama hills and i was like oh because they'd be the victim of hate crime yes and i was like stuff, Dad. At least your dad calls to tell you harmless anecdotes. My dad calls me, he's like, Devin, I'm stuck in a Taiwanese prison. I need $40,000 for bail.

My Uncle Joe, he's incredible at it, though, because he calls me... He's also the funniest guy of all time. He does incredible life bits. He worked in real estate for years, and he would do this thing where I go with him it's like their acquaintances of his you know and uh not like good friends and he would go hey can i use your restroom and they go yeah it's right down the hall and he'd go into the restroom and he'd come out shirtless and he'd go where's the shampoo and towels to people he's doing business with,

it's the funniest thing I've ever seen. Are these lights off on purpose? Oh, no. Oh, shit. You know how to turn it on? Yeah, I got it. That's really fucking funny. It's so funny.

That's such a good gag. Wow. What's the best gag? What's the best gag you've ever done, John? You a gag guy? You're not really a gag guy. Oh, I saw a great gag today. That's always kind of separated our're not really a gag guy. Oh, I saw a great gag today. That's always kind of separated our friendship.

You're not into gags. I saw a great gag today. You need to do more gags, brother. I'll do more gags. I saw a great gag today. This guy came into the bar, and this woman sat down next to him, and she seemed kind of nervous. And he looked at her and out loud was speaking.

There were probably like six other people there. And he goes, yeah, now's the time we strategize and come up with a plan because going to prison is not easy. And everybody's like, whoa. And then he's like, I'm just kidding to everybody in the bar. And I was like, oh, that's really funny. That's one of the funniest things I've heard in public for a while. She was like, egg on her face.

That's great. Jace Avery and I used to have a little gag we'd do. We'd leave a comedy show and we'd walk by a group of people and we'd go, you know, normally I don't like blackface, but that guy was really good. I had the greatest gag ever with Ben Avery where I would tell people that he was a pedophile. You've done that to every one of us. No, but I invented it with Ben. I did it on him first

and he looks like a pedophile. So people would believe it. Yeah. You do that to me all the time still. Yeah, you've done that to me. It never gets old is the problem. You do that to me all the time still. Yeah, you've done that to me. Well, it never gets old is the problem. You constantly tell people I'm stealing in public. I was like trying to get a job and Joey

did it to me to the person that was supposed to be hiring me. Valerie will do a thing to me in public where I'll come up and hug her and she'll go, Help! I don't know him! It's so funny, but every time I'm like, you gotta shut the fuck up and then it makes me look more guilty yeah yeah

keep it down I do a gag with Ida sometimes we're at the grocery store together we're all pretend I'm like a hunchback retard and that she's like dating like a hunchback retard

so like we'll be in an aisle there'll be a bunch of people and I'll walk over and I'll be like hey there hey should I get the macaroni

yeah go kiss me kiss me. Kiss me. I have to see you do this. Next time we hang, you're doing this. I did a video of it during the pandemic where I walked out and I go, I go, do you like this? Do you like me?

You love me, right? I love that. I used to also do a gag in high school where there was this kid that we all, that he was fine. He was whatever. Garrett, I think he was fine. He was whatever. Garrett, I think his name was. And he was. He sounds fine.

He was fine. You know, good guy. But everyone had like a, everyone kind of fucked with him or whatever. And I used to, I used to, on the senior lawn, I used to always like get his attention. Everyone, like the whole, the whole school would stop. I'd be like, Garrett, Garrett, Garrett. And everyone would be like, what is going on?

And he'd look over and I'd go, fuck off! And then it got to the point where I would call him throughout just any time of the day. I'd call him and be like, what's up? And I'd be like, fuck off, Garrett! And I'd hang up, calling someone to tell them to fuck off. You have the directory of all the numbers?

Oh, yeah. We used to. Yeah, yeah, the St. Francis directory. That was the biggest mistake they could have possibly done. We used to call everybody, dude. We convinced one of these kids' moms that she accidentally ordered a bunch of manatees on a website. It was insane, and she believed it.

manatees on a website. It was insane. She believed it. She was like, for 30 minutes, she was like, we could hear her in her kitchen being like, there's manatees coming. What do we do? Calling SeaWorld members. Yeah, like, somehow.

Yes, you ordered exotic sea animals and they're coming. We did a fun Indian accent. God bless the indian voice god i love indian voice there's an arab kid in my class and i called him i did a prank call pretending to be an fbi agent that found his phone number on a cell phone that belonged to a suicide bomber there's an arab guy harmless and he was like freaking the fuck out i like called him and pretended to be a special agent with the FBI.

I was like, hey, so we're just doing like follow-ups. And like, we found your number on a cell phone that belonged to a suicide bomber in like Damascus. Like, what's going on? And like, he started like crying on the phone. Just freaking the fuck out. Kind of like an admission of guilt. He sounds like you actually are onto something. Yeah.

And it was like a hate crime though. That's really good. Yeah. It sounds like you actually are onto something. Yeah, and it was like a hate crime, though. That's really good. Yeah. It was Ramsey Yousef. My sweet friend, Andrew, who we hung out with last night. Oh, yeah, Andrew. We hung out with Andrew last night. He did a bit in high school.

There was this special needs Filipino kid named, I won't say his name, but Andrew just started telling everyone in the school. They're called penoy. He just started telling everyone in the school. They're called penoy. He just started telling everyone in the school that he's a drug dealer. And it got like serious. And this guy had the funniest it's a perfect impression but he would be like walking around like, guys, I

don't sell drugs. Stop it. But it got to the point where like administrative like school people got involved and had to investigate if this kid sells drugs. That's so good oh man can i tell you really quick about my i was going to tell the story about my uncle please recent phone call tell the story but uh yeah he calls me i'm in the truck i'm in the moving truck in new york and i have it on bluetooth speaker and he goes uh hey i got a bit for you hopefully you can use it and i knew that's why that's why i had it on bluetooth because i was like i want my friends to hear the bits.

The bits are there. They always make me laugh, but it's never anything I could do on stage. So he goes, I got this new one, right? So anytime you go to like a store, you know, anything that has like a rewards program,

they ask you if you're part of the rewards program and you go, no, I'm not. Are you going to shoot me? And that's the whole bit. He goes, anyway, that's been cracking me up.

I'm doing that at mcdonald's he's crushing right we gotta get this guy in the pot yes and then i go i go all right i love that man he goes yeah anyway i'm in a really bad mood man i have to go to this funeral tomorrow and i was like oh no and he goes yeah i don't know if i told you this but like my best friend from childhood yeah he um he like invented the software to make like phones have cameras on them and i was like really and he goes yeah anyway last week just a random murder he just got shot in the back of the head and they killed him and i was like oh my god joe are you all right he goes yeah i'm fine i just really want to call and tell you about that whole bit i had for you i gotta go he was like anyway it doesn't matter

the whole are you gonna kill me thank that thing that's what i called for so you can go on now it was like the weirdest like bait and switch like this guy needs to get like shit off of his chest yeah but he can't yeah so he has to have a bad bit first anyways the killer's still on the loose um i'll talk to you i'll see you at thanksgiving yeah it's pretty great man love gags love you know my best gag that i just my newest best king of gags i don't even know if they're gags. I think they're like federal crimes. Yeah. A lot of them are technically illegal. Oftentimes I think they're like illegal nationwide.

But we were going to a wine bar and I started telling them, I said that we were like huge wine guys. The last wine bar had this deal where if you could uncork the bottle with your ass, you get the bottle for free. But I would try to sell it. You were there, I think. Yeah, I think so. Was it the one in Chinatown?

No, in the Arts District. Joey, I'm always there with you. I've seen every gag you've ever pulled. You're also the only guy I've ever... You do it for the love of the game. You're the only guy I know that will like prank call people alone. Yeah.

Like you just get a kick out of it on your own, which is insane to me. That's like nearly sociopathic. Yeah. I mean, I, you're supposed to prank call and then laugh with friends, but you're just prank calling alone and like dying laughing in your bed. I just get bored and I'm like, I think that it's like an ADD thing. Well, Adam Sandler used to do that, so you're probably just a comedy genius.

See? There we go. I've got Jack and Jill, too, coming up. Yeah, Joey's doing Hubie Halloween. By the way, we're going to Sandler when he comes. I want to, yeah. Sandler's coming here? He's doing a tour.

I went to his Christmas party one time. What does that mean? Adam Sandler has a Christmas party over here. He's a Jew. What I went to his Christmas party one time. What does that mean? It was Adam Sandler's Christmas party. He's a Jew. What does that mean? I know. It makes no sense. He rents out the whole, what's the fucking bowling alley in Burbank?

The giant one? I don't know. Pickwick Bowling or something? Oh, yeah. Pickwick. He fucking rents that whole place out every Christmas and has Gene Simmons play music there and invites everyone. It's probably just a massive tax write-off for him. But I met fucking

what's his face? Chris Farley's younger brother there. Kevin Farley? I met Kevin Farley before. Was he as depressing as it was when I met him? He was fine. He was cool. He's not Chris Farley, so there's always that. He looked just like him. That's the thing.

I went up to that guy and I was like... That will live with him forever. I mean, you are not you're not the funniest fat farley i mean he was like really really drunk and i went up to him and i was like you look like chris farley he was like yeah i know man i think his best his best work kevin farley's best work was when he's the he's the uh the pest control guy in curb and he goes with larry david to the Larry David to the to the children's musical of like Oklahoma he's like I'll go with you and then he kills

that dog there was a do you know the restaurant Tilted Skilt Tilted Kilt my fucking mom got me a gift card for that place once I remember seeing a commercial with Kevin Farley and he was like endorsing Tilted Kilt. And he was like, hi, I'm famous

comedian Kevin Farley. That's how it starts. And I was like, oh my god. Famous comedian. Yeah. It's a bit of a stretch. Dude, being the brother of a famous person must suck ass. Do you think his wife ever gets real sadistic and she's like, hey, you're never gonna be Chris. You're never gonna fuck

me like Chris. Probably does. We did a whole episode on Doug Pitt. Brad Pitt's brother. Doug Pitt kicks ass. Doug Pitt's cool. He's been doing the podcast rounds. Have you seen that? Doug? Yeah, I've seen a few clips.

Are you serious? What's he talking about? I don't know. God bless Doug Pitt. I think he's better than Brad. I love Doug Pitt. Does Ryan Gosling have a brother that looks like shit? Probably. Doug Pitt's actually handsome. Doug Pitt looks really good.

He's just a nerd. He's like an incel. That whole family has a tight face. No, he's handsome, but it's just one of those things where he has no charisma. He doesn't have the charisma of Brad. He's not funny. He's not charming. And then it's just like Brad Pitt's just got it all.

Here's the thing. Brad Pitt, I love him to death, right? You say him? Incredible actor. I don't know about that, but he's great. Amazing. But he is maybe a weak actor because he's always chilling. I know.

So. I read a thing. I think he knows he's not like an amazing actor. So he. What are you talking about? He has a stipulation, I think, in his contract where he's like, I'm always like throwing nuts in my mouth. I know that. I'm always chewing gum.

We know that with Scott Ryan. It's a sign of a weak actor. I read a thing that he has busy hands. Like that's something always chewing gum. We know that's a sign. It's a sign of a weak actor. I read a thing that he has busy hands. Like, that's something that I read. Like, maybe he said this at some point, but, like, he just doesn't know what to do with his hands. Like Jim Norton,

who's also a great actor. Yeah. I guess that's a thing with acting. It means you're a bad actor. Well, but when he eats, he's a fucking the best actor in the world. When he's chewing, oh, my God,

it's Brando in the flesh. Yeah. He is. He needs to be chewing. I don't know if that disqualifies how talented he is, though. It's like a weird tick he has. Right. It's a crutch you can lean on.

Okay, let's really go through Pitt. Okay. Pitt movies, okay? Once Upon a Time in Hollywood is the best, but it's because he's been in the industry for so long, it's like he's not,

you know, he's worked through it. It's like a Mickey Rourke playing himself kind of thing. Yeah, exactly. He's also just playing a cool, awesome guy. He nailed the fuck out of that, though.

That was very good acting. What is a Brad Pitt performance that's absolutely incredible? Dude, fucking Interview with a Vampire. Yeah, he's pretty great in that. This movie fucking... Oh, that's a great example. This movie sucked, but he had... It might be his best acting that I've ever seen is Babylon.

Oh, okay. He's great in Babylon. ever seen, is Babylon. Oh, okay. He's great in Babylon. Also, I like Babylon. Oh, you do? I like Babylon a lot. I like Babylon a lot. People told me to watch it. They said I need to do a whole episode on it.

It's a lot of like, right? Yeah, it's Damon Chazelle. It's way too long. It's like three hours long, which is insane. Oh, I'm thinking of Babel, not Babylon. Oh, Babel also kicks ass. Babel's great. He's in Babel, right?

He's in Babel. Yeah, holy shit. Yeah, that's crazy. But no, he's great not Babylon. Oh, Babel also kicks ass. Babel's great. He's in Babel, right? He's in Babel, yeah. Holy shit, yeah, that's crazy. But no, he's great in Babylon. Babylon is one of, I think that's his best acting that he's ever done. Nah, it's not better than Once Upon a Time.

I think it is. Fury's great. That scene right before he kills himself, spoiler, is like maybe the best acting I've ever seen. He is great in Fury. He's great in...

He plays a hard ass. ...in Inglourious and stuff, but I still don't, for whatever reason Glorious Bastards Fight Club what are you talking about he's all

in Fight Club he's fucking eating almonds the whole movie Ocean's Eleven he's doing what I'm saying think about any movie he's always chewing yeah but he's

in Brad Pitt's movie I think in Glorious Bastards he's like I think he's chewing he's dipping yeah that's a crutch still killing it though

it's a crutch alright it is a crutch as an actor I love Brad and I love Brad Pitt. I'm actually just trying to break it down. Dude, he's fucking almost 60. No one escapes my rap.

Shit, dude. Okay? I will figure out a way to say anyone sucks. Yeah? Everyone sucks. Oh, Kyle Chandler, though. You've never said one bad word about him. Kyle Chandler is great, but he's always playing himself.

Whoa! Name the movie where Kyle Chandler is like a fucking... like a fucking you're turning on Chan I love Chan K Chan that's what we call him on the forums and uh in the fan club and I get a lot of uh letters sent to me because I'm the president of the Kyle Chandler fan club but no he also is he's great but he's like they're one of those there's those there's those actors where they're always themselves. De Niro is that, but he's still one of the best actors ever. De Niro is that, but also not. De Niro will do a character. De Niro in Cape Fear.

In Killers of the Flower Moon. He's still De Niro in Cape Fear. But he can't help his face with his eyes and stuff. But I'm saying he's doing a voice. He'll do a character. Daniel Day-Lewis will do totally different faces. Yeah, that's a one-off. Daniel Day-Lewis is great,

but that's also a one-off, and I'm a little sick of him, too. Yeah. What? A little sick of D. Day-Lewis. Yeah, Daniel Day-Lewis, he gets off on the idea that he only does a movie

every, like, ten years. Yeah, enough of that. And that's, like, that's basically... That's his aura. He's just lazy. He's fucking lazy. He's lazy.

It's bad take Devin over here. No, another thing to discredit, like people get into character, you're bad at acting. Exactly. How do you just fucking act? You gotta be Lincoln for seven months before you film the movie. Imagine being his wife and she's like, Daniel, dinner's ready. He's like, who's Daniel? And she's like, Abraham Lincoln, your dinner's ready, you fucking bitch.

Like, it's so annoying. It's so annoying. You want to know who else is, like, as good of an actor as Daniel Day-Lewis? It's all those retards working in Virginia. Like, the colonial, like, you know, places. They're in character all the time. They've been in character for 15 years. Yeah.

Captain Jack. Yeah. Scorsese. Captain Jack is a better actor than Daniel Day-Lewis. Our friend. Our friend, Captain Jack. John T. John T. He had the weirdest name. His friend? Our friend, Captain Jack. John T.

He had the weirdest name. His name was like John T. McJiggins or something. He's like ethnically from a small tribe of people from like the steppes of Kazakhstan. He's the best actor in the world. I happen to think that. But I think number two is Daniel Day-Lewis. But I will say I was just watching a Scorsese interview. He did like one of those GQ, like Scorsese breaks down his top ten. Yeah, I watched it too.

So he was talking about Daniel Day-Lewis and you could tell he was being so nice because he was like, yeah, he just stays in character. You could tell he was annoyed. No, he's being so diplomatic, but in his head he's just sitting there going like, I think he has autism. He's Bill the Butcher

the whole time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Imagine being around a guy that's pretending to be Lincoln for months on end. I mean, fuck off. It's obnoxious, but he's like maybe my favorite actor. You want to know a great actor?

No, he's not. He's not. He's not even close to your favorite actor. I said my favorite. He's not your favorite actor. I don't believe you. I don't believe that

you think he's your favorite. I've never loved him. You and I are never hanging out drinking. I've never heard you say anything about Daniel Day-Lewis. We're never like talking about like

let's go put on that Daniel Day-Lewis movie. I don't go around talking about my three of them. Yeah, because he makes, yeah exactly.

Guys, I'm thinking tonight we get fucked up, end up back in my place, we watch My Left Foot. That's how we end the night. Did I rewatch Phantom Thread?

I'm like a weirdo. I love that movie blood. I've seen it. It's phenomenal. No, Devin doesn't like Phantom Thread. I like Phantom Thread. We started doing it togethero. I love There Will Be Blood. I've seen it. I've heard of it. It's phenomenal. No, Devin doesn't like Phantom Thread. I like Phantom Thread. We saw it together.

You loved it. I liked it. We saw it together. I liked it more than or something. I'm sick of you guys all pretending like it's a big joke. It's a rollicking good time. I never said that. I loved it.

I found it hilarious. Phantom Thread. It's a good movie. It's a movie about a guy that designs dresses for frumpy bitches in England. I think Philip Seymour Hoffman might be one of my favorites. Philip Seymour Hoffman can transform into anybody. Yeah, he can be anybody. He's incredible in a long-term...

I'm going to charge your head. I'm going to charge your head. I'm going to find your girlfriend. I'm going to hurt her. I'm going to hurt her so bad. He fucking loves PSA. The fact that Philip Seymour Hoffman... He could just come with an anagram like that.

The fact that Philip Seymour Hoffman could be Philip Seymour Hoffman and then jump into being like I'm Jack Black in this comedy is an incredible testament.

It knocks him out of the fucking park. You never seen Daniel Day-Lewis be wacky? No. I need to see Daniel Day-Lewis do a comedy. He's too like retarded and autistic

to do comedy. Denzel's my favorite actor of all time. Denzel's phenomenal. actor of all time. Denzel's phenomenal. Yeah, I think so. But he's the same guy in every movie, but I don't care because I think he's the coolest guy. Do you like McConaughey? I do.

I love McConaughey. But also, McConaughey is always McConaughey. Yeah, he's always McConaughey. That's okay, though. I also bring people's real lives into it. McConaughey thinks he's like a god Like he shows up to like the He shows up to like the Texas

Like the University of Texas No no no He shows up to the University of Texas The college football The college football team And he like gives them speeches Like he played Right

And he's like He's like listen He's like listen gentlemen When you're protecting that When you're in the O-line And you're protecting the quarterback You gotta buy Lincoln You gotta think about it Like you're protecting a Lincoln He's like, listen, gentlemen, when you're protecting that, when you're in the O-line and you're protecting the quarterback, you got to buy Lincoln. You got to think about it like you're protecting a Lincoln.

There's something about him that is, he's great, but he's also completely insane and delusional, and he thinks he's like a god. But he is the same in every goddamn movie. It's hilarious. He's always the same. I don't think that's so funny. He doesn't even hide his accent.

Not at all. He's just like, I'm Matthew McConaughey, but I have AIDS. Yeah, exactly. It's me, Matthew McConaughey. I'm going to space. He's like, he's like. Make me stay, Murph. I'm McConaughey.

I'm Matthew McConaughey. I live in New York. I'm a Wall Street guy. I've lived in New York my whole life. Born and raised in Brooklyn. I'm just telling you how to jerk off right now. It's like, change the voice, McConaughey. Honestly, all these guys, acting is easy,

and honestly, it's not that big of a deal. We are really just looking up to their aura and their coolness. They're just saying lines as them. That's what the skill is, though. That's the talent. That's also a luxury, though, too. You get to that point. It's a luxury. There's hard-working guys out there that are fucking character actors don't get

enough fucking credit. Let me tell you right now, Kurt Russell. Kurt Russell is good, but he also is good because he kind of seems like retarded. No, he seems like the nicest guy ever. Right. He seems like he had a lobotomy kind of.

Really? What are you talking about? I get that. Kurt Russell. He's so charming. Kurt Russell acts so dumb. I know because he seems so dumb. Kurt Russell acts like a dumb guy that's like learning like sentience. He's a himbo.

Oh, yeah. He's a himbo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that. That's great. Very good. I was saying Kurt Russell. Tom Hardy I love a lot. Tom Hardy's great, yeah. I get that. That's great. Very good. I was thinking, Tom Hardy I love a lot.

Tom Hardy's great, but he's also always making up an accent that has never existed before. He's autistic. He also just makes bad choices. It's like, how dare you play Capone, but it's like,

it's like retarded Capone. Exactly. It's like, it's the Capone who's shitting his pants and is dying of syphilis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why not make

the cool Al Capone movie? No, but he wanted to make the Capone movie where he's like literally... Have you seen Taboo? No, I never watched that. It's really, really fucking good. It's too dark.

It's dark, but it's like I love Count of Monte Cristo and it's Count of Monte Cristo basically. Sometimes if I just can't see what's happening on the TV, I'm like, I'm out. Yeah.

I love Jason Bateman, but I'm not... He's a comedic actor. But Jason Bateman's always the same guy in everything too. My dad loves Jason Bateman. This is Jason Bateman in everything.'m not, he's a comedic actor, but Jason Bateman's always the same guy in everything, too. My dad loves Jason Bateman. This is Jason Bateman in everything. You go, okay. Yeah.

Pretty good. Well, okay, yeah, I guess we'll get around to that. Okay, kids, kids. Oh, yeah, the cartel's gonna kill my whole family by noon if I don't show up with the money. Okay, yeah, well, we'll get out, we'll get right on that.

All right. That's good. There's these guys that figure out how they are, and then they do that in everything. They master it. They master it. So who are great character actors? Let's think about this.

Who are great? Giamatti. Philip Seymour Hopkins. Paul Giamatti, one of the greatest actors of all time. Even though he is always Paul Giamatti, kind of, he isn't. Dude, John Adams is wonderful. Oh, and in 12 Years a Slave,

he's crazy in that movie. Yeah. I'm trying to think. He's selling the slaves. Dr. Landy. What is that? Giamatti in the fucking Beat Voice movie. Oh, he's also amazing in the beat.

Yeah, he's amazing. He's incredible. Paul Giamatti is our... Who's fucking the Riddler? Fucking Paul... What's his face? The Riddler. Paul Dano. Paul Dano's an incredible? Fucking Paul, what's his face? The Riddler. Paul Dano.

Paul Dano's an incredible actor. God, he's good. Danny Masterson. Russell Brand. Russell Brand. Hello, my, what does he call it? My miraculous wonders. He always opens up every fucking.

It's a hot bang as a mash. Hello. Yeah. I have a hard time. I don't want to sound like an idiot, but I never know what people mean when they say character actor. Here's what I think it means. They play a bunch of different roles.

No, no, no. I don't think it means that. But you wouldn't call Daniel Day-Lewis a character actor. No, no, no. I wouldn't. No. It's because he's too Oscar-worthy. Walton Goggins is a character actor.

Character actor is a weird guy that plays a specific, like, you know, not mainstream. They play an odd character. Side characters, maybe. Yeah, yeah., not mainstream. They play an odd character. Side characters, maybe? Yeah, yeah, I get that. They play an odd, weird character. I just feel like it's such a broad term. It is a broad term,

but, like, I'm, like, I'm a character actor. Wow. Like, I can transform. Yeah, okay. I've always said that. I can be anything I want to be.

Well. At any time. You can play the gayest guy. The second gayest guy. The second gayest guy. My third gayest guy. I could do all this whole spectrum of the gay community.

Buddy, once you can act straight, you got my applause. I've been waiting for that. I could suck off a trucker. I could suck off a senator. I could suck off anybody. That's a character actor. David DePappy is a character actor.

Honestly, people that work for the CIA and shoot up places are better actors than Brad Pitt. For sure. Crisis actor. Mark David Chapman, better actor than Brad Pitt. Yeah, dude. Charles Manson. Great actor. Charles Manson, incredible actor.

Phenomenal. Probation hearings? Great. Jim Jones, incredible actor. Steven Paddock, incredible character actor Phenomenal. At probation hearings, great. Jim Jones, incredible actor. Steven Paddock, incredible character. Steven Paddock, unbelievable. Did it with his eyes closed. I know.

I did hear Paddock. Paddock was chewing the entire time. He was eating almonds the entire time. I hear Steven Paddock actually is back, and he's at Skank Fest right now. God, what a mistake it was to shoot at that country music festival, not Skank Fest right now. God, what a mistake it was to shoot at that country music festival, not Skank Fest.

Oh my God. I stayed a floor below him at the Mandalay Bay. You did? It was really fucking creepy. What is his room? Did they not let people into his room at Mandalay Bay?

So first of all, when I was at Mandalay Bay, I had to ask everyone that worked at Mandalay Bay, were they there? And they all apparently gave all the floors. So first of all, when I was at Mandalay Bay, I had to ask everyone that worked at Mandalay Bay, were they there? And they all apparently gave me the same. The first lady gave me the answer, like, I wasn't working that day. I was like, how long have you worked here?

She was like, 15 years. I was like, were you here during the shoot? She was like, I wasn't working that day. And I asked a few other people, and they were like, I wasn't working that day. So I guess that's a loaded response they give to people asking that question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They changed all the floors so that you couldn't go back to his floor but i looked it up and i found his floor and i was there almost on like the 13th anniversary of it happening the anniversary like it's like it's disneyland

yeah it was great when you shoot upon us but i had the same view and it's crazy he was like 200 300 yards away from people he was killing easily possibly Yeah. Possibly even the 400, 500. So he was really good. Yeah, yeah. He was really fucking good. It's as if there was multiple people involved. Dude, well, that's the thing is I'm like, and I'm testing the windows and shit.

It's kind of fish in a barrel. It is. It was. How do you fucking miss? If you saw, there's a big parking lot. I'm like, it's just easy. Yeah, more like Hicks in a barrel. Very good. But the creepy a barrel. Very good.

But the creepy thing was. Very good. That's why we brought you on. Hicks in a barrel. Sorry, New York. He's ours now. But I went up to the floor

that he shot the people on. I went to his suite where he did it. And there was someone, I guess somebody rented it and put like a happy anniversary sign up and it was just really fucking creepy because it was like literally anniversary yeah it was like the one year anniversary or something pretty much and somebody had an anniversary sign outside of his fucking room that's it was all the families of the victims they're like god that guy they're all like happy like they were so annoying. Happy anniversary.

I knew a lot of people who were actually there at the festival. Like the hunger guys? They heard the shooting? I have a friend I grew up with. This is crazy. Why didn't you tell us this earlier? We're like the official Steven Paddock podcast. I thought you listened to the show.

What the hell is going on with you? I'm so sorry. I'll leave. You know people that were with you? I'm so sorry. Connor. I'll leave. You know people that were shot at? Not shot. I mean, they were there. But I have this friend I grew up with who's taking a video with a friend.

And then you hear gunshots in the background. They all start ducking. Oh, shit. And then every year he reposts that with a Throwback Thursday type of vibe to it. Throwback Thursday to the time I was at the greatest mass shooting in U.S. history. It's very tone deaf and weird. Cuts to him holding a giant drink in a jacuzzi. The hurricane drink. Throwback Thursday, this is the day that we killed Kane in the woods.

Kane was the second shooter. Kane and Steven Paddock were best friends. That is silly, though. Go subscribe to the Patreon for one of the funniest episodes. That is the greatest story. One of the greatest stories ever told. Cutter told my favorite story ever

that I've ever heard. Yeah, it's the best story. It can't be released on a main. No, we can't do it. It's a great example of why Patreon is good. I wouldn't do that to Connor. Thank you. I wouldn't post that publicly.

It would have been huge, but yeah, we just can't. Can't do that. I think it's a crime. I think. I don't think it is. I don't think it is, actually. It's for sure a crime. No, it's not.

It's at least assault. Joey. Killing an old man is a crime? It's at sure a crime. No, it's not. It's at least assault. Joey. Killing an old man is a crime? It's at least assault. Killing an old man in the woods, why would that be a crime? He was already old. Right, right. He was going to die.

Yeah, he was going to croak any second. Yeah. But no, I mean, listen, these actors out there, these crisis actors, the crisis actors need to figure it out. They're not good enough anymore. Yeah. These crisis actors are easy to read through. They're not good enough anymore. Yeah. These crisis actors are easy to read through. They're easy to see.

They don't do the work. The Coen brothers should start casting crisis actors. They're also scabbing during the whole strike. These pieces of shit. The crisis actors

crossed the line. They did. They crossed the picket line. Because there was a lot of things that happened. What happened during the... Did any crazy things happen during the strike?

Nobody gives a shit. That's why it ended because nobody gave a fuck that's why that's why it ended because we didn't care nobody gives a shit wait what are you talking about

what does that mean my dad always said I had nothing my dad always fucking said hold on hold on for a second it's so great god bless John

because I go I had nothing I was saying something I go it's leading nowhere and then John goes I'll raise you you're nothing for nonsense

nonsense don't take checkmate have you seen the fucking videos of like fucking like actors going down there and like dancing nobody gives a fuck about them it's 90% I'm not talking about

no we're talking about you're'm not talking about writer's strike. No, we're talking about crime. You're like the Steven Paddock of bad podcasting. The best ever? The best that ever was? It's like the podcaster Steven Paddock. Have you noticed that John instead of shooting bullets, he's just shooting bad tics. Yeah, bad tics.

What were we talking about? If you notice when John knows he's saying nonsense he closes his eyes. He goes, this is a freaking thing. I don't know. I was just talking for some reason. Were you saying your dad? Something about your dad? What do you mean by that?

My dad always said the writers guild and the screen actors guild is like 99% of those people are fucking unemployed in any given time. You go to the longshoremen's union. They they're all employed that was the funniest thing about the about the writers and actors fucking losers the sag strike it's so funny it's the most unemployed people on earth fighting for labor it's silly like they want to work it only works like you didn't have a job you never never had a job. Your job is fantastical and it never

comes to fruition. No, there's no one time I had a seven week contract. What are you talking about? It's crazy. It's insane. All of them are fucking losers. They all came here and the sad part is this whole city depends on them. I love Jack. Keep going, buddy. The whole city depends on these fucking

retards. It's like my job, I haven't been making as much money lately depends on these fucking retards it's like my job I haven't been making as much money lately because all these faggots aren't drinking it's crazy wait what

they're all saving you money everyone in the everyone cause it affects more than actors yeah your bar was full of actors no no not actors

but like you know like fucking grips people who have jobs right and it's a big industry in this town and it's like you know they're not fucking drinking

they're saving their money in this damn. And it's like, you know, they're not fucking drinking because they're saving their money. In this damn town. In this goddamn town. It's this tinsel town. It's this tinsel town. One day a rain will come. One day a real rain will come.

Did you hear Scorsese say that like, like most brilliant quote? Like, it was like, oh my God, how is a guy that old so on top of shit?

He goes, he goes pretty much, he goes, every other person's Travis Bickle. Yeah. I saw that. There's like four Travis Bickles here right now. He literally said like, every other person's Travis Bickle he literally said like every other person's Travis Bickle

he goes that movie is not special now when he dies I think we should all just kill ourselves honestly I'm

Joey I was thinking the same thing did you guys hear Robert De Niro it's such a fucking loss because he's still

making great shit I know I hope he's got two more in him at least I fucking pray Killers of the Flower Moon, October 20th. Robert De Niro's surprising the world.

You're welcome, Scorsese. I'll do promotion for you. Please, let me be in the last movie of yours. Honestly, the only thing I've ever wanted in life is to be in a Scorsese movie. God, that would be nice. It would never happen, though. I just want to become best friends with him. He doesn't put black people in his movies.

Yes, Devin. I'm black as hell, dude. You're so black, dude. You're so black, dude. I'm so fucking black. Robert De Niro's reprising the role as Travis Bickle for an Uber commercial. I know, I saw that. Let him cash in, though.

Wait, what? Yeah, he's going to be Travis Bickle and Uber. I didn't see that. Paul Schrader's pretty upset by that. He's that. Paul Schrader's pretty upset by that. He's confused. Paul Schrader should be upset about that. Schrader's a fucking... He's the man.

He's got integrity. The absolute man. But I'm like, De Niro cash in. Yeah, well, he's also apparently in so much debt. Really? De Niro, yeah. What happened? I thought he owned a bunch of Nobu's and shit.

He owes money to the mob. He owes a lot of money. He marries... He fucks black women. He's kind of on the same route. He's on the same route as your average black guy. It's funny that DMX, Michael Jordan... I owe a lot of child support.

He fucking lives like a strong safety. The idea of like Future and De Niro talking and them going, same, dude. Offsets, offset De Niro, offsets like, man, I got the same problem, bro. I thought he like owns a half

a block in New York City. I thought he owns Tribeca. Right. I thought he like essentially owned Tribeca, but so did I. If that's true, that fucking sucks well cause Italians are like black dudes you wish dude well I mean

they hated them that's why they hate black people cause they hate themselves they're looking at a mirror they're like I'm fucking black it's annoying that's every race

with every race it's like the Venn diagram of like you know a white conservative and the average Mexican person is a full circle exactly it's like what are your interests

you like barbecuing? You like soda? You like the cowboys? You like dressing like cowboys? All right. You're the same fucking person. That fucking kicks ass. You like trucks?

Yeah. Dude, that's why Anthony Camilla... You guys should talk to each other. I think you guys would be really good friends. Anthony Camilla's a piper. Why is Anthony Camilla...

That's why Anthony Camilla hates black people so much. He hates himself. Yeah. Anthony Camilla, recently, he's in the hospital. He had like for some like a...

Sickle cell anemia. Yeah, exactly. His heart was attacked by black teens. Savages. Yeah. No, but yeah, that's why Ant is so angry. Because he knows it's him. Sure.

He's Sicilian. It's the fucking true romance speech. Why did him and Patrice love each other so much? Because it was a human thing. Sure. He's Sicilian. It's the fucking true romance speech. Why did him and Patrice love each other so much? Because it was a human thing. Yeah. Anthony has, I don't even know if he's like, he shouldn't be this bad of a guy. Patrice needed

to stay alive. None of this would have happened if Patrice just lived. Patrice dying killed like everything. It did. It really killed everything. All those guys lost their minds. Everyone is just so boring and sad now. He was a staple. God damn it, man.

Remember when we lost his old. You just start losing your mind as you get older. He becomes dull. You either lose your mind or you just get boring. That's just getting old. You become corny as fuck. You know? Yeah.

I'm not. Why does Scorsese? I'm not going to let that happen to me. Yeah. Here's the thing. When you get older, you got to, like, shake it up. Yeah, dude. You got to not. Why does Scorsese? I'm not going to let that happen to me. Yeah. Here's the thing. When you get older, you got to shake it up. Yeah, dude. You got to shake it up.

It is rare. What are you going to shake it up? I don't know. You got to do something wild. You got to do something fucking wild. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I'm 60, dude, I'm going to fucking just, I don't know, burn my house down or something. People will be like, Devin's getting boring.

I'll go, really? Am I boring? And I pour gasoline on my living room floor. What's so boring about these flames? Is that boring? When a boring guy drowns his kids in a can of beer. Is the morning in your family boring? When a boring guy kills his pregnant wife.

When a boring guy leaves his family for a case of Anthony. Talk about that, Reddit. Scott Peterson is boring then, I guess. I've gotten really stale, have I? Peterson. This is my impression of every podcast fan. This is going to happen a lot soon, too. This is every podcast on the internet.

The types. Every podcast on the internet, the types. They go, show's gone downhill lately. Hold on. Then they go, that being said, the last 13 episodes have been the best thing I've ever heard. But the show has gone down lately in quality. That being said, it's the only reason I didn't kill myself today. But it's terrible.

Show is terrible now. That being said, it's the only reason I didn't kill my mom. Show's gone really downhill as of late. That being said, it's the only reason I haven't murder-suicided myself and my family. It's either that or they're gooning to like 16 different

gay porn. Oh, the goon cave yesterday we were talking about, dude. Hatewatch is like one screen and then it's all like gay porn that they're gooning to. Yeah. We were pitching the idea It watches like one screen and then it's all like gay porn that they're gooning to. All ever Batman. Sitting in their room.

We were pitching the idea of like a sports bar but it's just gooning. Yeah. You say it's 15 screens. You go rent out like a Goon bar. Yeah, I forgot about that. An ESPN zone for gooning.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go to the urinal and there's porn. Like you're staring at a TV with porn on it. Interactive porn. Yeah. Oh, man.

The bar's called 33 Faps. You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah, dude. Let's go! It's like NFL Sunday ticket, but instead of the red zone, but it's just cum shots. It's just different cum shots.

Cum compilations. Cum compilations. You know when LeBron will post, like, man, this is my NFL Sunday setup and he's got every game on. It's just a bunch of different comp shots. It's a 30 for 30s, but for goonings. LeBron's like, goon cave with Bronny.

Goon cave with Bronny. Goon cave with Bronny. Hope Savannah doesn't catch us. Should we even watch some of this? Fuck this shit. You have stuff? I don't know. I have fucking stuff.

Of course I have stuff. I have a million things, Joe. You don't need to get your phone out. No, last time you fucking put on a fake video and people got pissed off. That also was good for the podcast. It was a good podcast, but you're a dumbass. It allowed for funny jokes. It doesn't matter.

These people don't seem to understand. We don't care. It's to get jokes. No, a good podcast, but you're a dumbass. It allowed for funny jokes. It doesn't matter. These people don't seem to understand. We don't care. It's to get jokes. No, I know, but you're still a dumbass. Who cares? I was the only one going like, I think this is fake. No, you weren't. You didn't say a word.

Listen to my video. The wigger. The wigger. I thought that was utterly real. I was saying this was a sketch. Apparently it was fake. Call me retarded. That looked so good.

It looked so real. It was well done, but I was saying this is a sketch. Apparently it was fake. Call Me Retarded. That looked so good. It looked so real. It was well done, but I was saying this is a sketch. Nobody cares. I'm just saying you're a dumbass. It's a police cruiser and shit.

It's just an SUV. I don't know. It's just an SUV. But for what purpose were they faking that? Is that part of a larger thing? It wasn't fake enough to be like,

oh, that's fake. If anything, credit to them, that was an incredible sketch. Here's the thing. It also doesn't matter. It was so good. All that is, it. It also doesn't matter. It was lovely. All that is,

it's for these nitpicky retards out there. Fuck them. They act like the whole point of the show is that we're like to discuss real things. It's to make jokes. I don't care if it was fake or not.

We made a bunch of jokes about it and thank God we thought it was fake. It was entertaining. We thought it was real. Thank God, but I think that they're just saying like, hey, you're a dumbass. Like, it was very entertaining, but you're just a stupid fuck.

Whatever. Everyone gets caught. I got these out like you're going to smoke them. I was testing what the crush was. Why are they camel crush when there's no menthol? When you snap it now, what happens? That's what we were trying to figure out. These are like the official, like the only construction workers and teenagers smoke camel crush.

It's like they're the official cigarette. It's like a fidget spinner. You know what I mean? Gambling addicts. They're fun, dude. I used to love crushing them, dude. Oh, I love a Camel Crush. Get a couple crushes.

They're so fun to crush. Pop a couple. I love crushing them, dude. Can I crush one? Let me crush one. Let me crush one. Dude, they're fucking great. Do it on the mic like ASMR, dude.

Oh, yeah. Do it on the mic. That's a good idea. Right on the mic. Do they even crush anymore? Quiet. Oh. It's like lung cancer, like bubble wrap.

Hey. Do you have another MD 2020? Also, can I bum a cigarette? Dude, people that smoke Camel Crushes are also the same people that bought Scions. Oh, yeah. Toyota Scions. Because of hamsters and shit. I feel like if you own a Toyota Scion,

they only sell them to 14-year-olds. Is any adult driving a Scion? My mom drove a Scion. My aunt drove a Scion. And how fucking dare you? Well, your moms always look very young to me. No, we got plenty of stuff, okay? The world is our oyster, and we will shuck it.

Wow. We're going to shuck the world we will shuck it. Okay. Wow. We're going to shuck the world. Very good. I got word play. I'm the greatest character of our generation and I'm great at word play. Thanks, John. Great job, John. I go, ah, you.

Great job, John. We got so much stuff. Here's the thing. I mean, fucking, I know it's kind of boring and stuff, and we don't usually do current events, but I'm really like, Britney Spears is dancing with knives and shit. It's like, look at this. The Gregorian chants. Yeah.

Oh, man. I mean. Jesus Christ. That's every woman I've ever dated. Wow. Can we fucking put this bitch... God bless her. Put her back in her fucking cage.

Her dad is going... Her dad right now is going, See? I fucking told you. No, honestly, like I'm sick of her. I'm sick of everything that couldn't serve.

We all fought to get her out of that conservatorship and then we, this is what we get. It's like, just lock her up. She also apparently put out a,

she should be at the zoo. She put out a song with Will.i.am like three weeks ago and no one talked about it at all. No one cares. Did you care that she's out? Shouldn't you guys be celebrating

this in the streets? No, they don't give a shit about that. She stinks. She sucks. Yeah, she's just famous white trash. It's just nostalgic to people. She's like white women's Bam Margera. Very good.

You know? That's literally the same round. Very good! Thank you. Thank you, John. Thank you, John. Wonderful. Ooh, I'm liking you today.

I've killed three Mikuls. How are you feeling lately? You drank all three Mikulab Ultras? Yeah, I'm sponsored by Mikulab Ultras. So what is with you and the drinks? So you hydrate. Unbelievable. And then you follow up the electrolytes with water.

You're getting full sugar Gatorlites. You don't even get the zeros. It's fucking 60 calories. Who gives a shit? It's at this point, it's like Gatorlite zero is bullshit, man. I can't believe you finished three of these already. Yeah, I can't believe that. I'm a big boy.

That's actually insane. I can do whatever I want. No, you need a fucking camera. I'm an adult now, dude. Good for you, John. You're finally free. I can just drink my Colchers now. Yeah, you're going to insult a woman at Redline later tonight.

Where are we going after this? I'm already thinking about the after. I'm already into it. You already can't wait to leave? No, I love this place. I love this little room. Well, you know, we like... Me and Joey have such a good time on the way over here.

Wait, you were like done with one when you walked in. Were you drinking and driving? No, I was about here with one. No, maybe a little bit here when I walked in. What time are we at? What time are we at? Why are you asking? No, I'm not asking because I want to know how long it took me to drink three.

44 minutes. 44 minutes. 44 minutes. Dude, rock and roll, brother. Fuck yeah, brother. Dude, that's sick. You're a badass, dude. Anyway, dude, we're worried about your drinking. No.

We've been worried about you for quite a while. I'm fine. I'm in a good buzz right now. People have been talking. You're the only dry drunk I know that never had a problem. You just have a dry drunk brain. Yeah. My mom always told me I'm not an alcoholic.

I'm a drunk. And I was like, yeah, you're right. She told you that? Yeah. I think that's what I said. Yeah. Yeah. You're not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk. And I was like, yeah, you're right. She told you that? Yeah. I think that's what I said. Yeah. You're not an alcoholic, you're a drunk. I don't think so.

I mean, by doctor's standards, I'm a brutal alcoholic. Yeah, you know, I don't like that when these doctors, they ask you how much you drink, you tell them, yeah, like fucking eight, nine a day. And they go, that's concerning. And you go, how do you think I get drunk? One time I told the doctor. This whole thing in this country. Hold on, Joey.

This better be fucking good. This whole thing in this country where everyone is made to feel like it's a problem. If they have 11 a night. Is really obnoxious to me. And I think it's, quite frankly, it's like big pharma. They don't do that in Russia. There's something going on here where it's like, if you look

up what they technically say you're supposed to drink two drinks a night, what does that mean? You might as well not drink. So I'm tired, doc. Do you know what the purpose of drinking is, buddy boy? One time I told the doctor, i was trying to lie to like uh get like steroids or something they were giving me a physical you were like i have aids no no no

but i do have a friend that fake aids to get steroids favorite story and then there's got to be an easier lie than age no this guy was like a genius he was like there's not a dad because they can't like question you or something but i was like i was like uh trying to like act like i'm healthy so he's like how many drinks do you have per week and i go like question you or something. But I was like trying to like act like I'm healthy. So he's like, how many drinks do you have per week? And I go like, you know, like 30. That was really low. Was he low balling? And he was just like, no, like you can't have steroids.

Like get out of here. And then I found a doctor that gave me steroids. No, I would consider telling a doctor that I think having four beers is technically not drinking. Right. No, that's what I would tell a doctor. I go, no, I had like nine lights that were like light beers. How's that?

Valerie was like, did you drink last night? I was like, no, I didn't drink last night. And then later I was like, my head kind of hurts. She goes, I thought you didn't drink last night. I was like, I only had four tequila sodas. That's not drinking. Two doubles. No, I mean, to me, that's like warming up the car yeah

you know dude people are listening to this being like whoa oh no everyone well I mean I don't think anyone listens to this and doesn't

know that we drink a little too much brother better slow down Johnny I'm gonna chill out I'm gonna roll up on the Patreon

I'm in sicko mode relax dude you're in sicko mode dude no but it's like when you look at the doctor's standards, it's not realistic. Yeah. Well, I had a buddy recently who went to the doctor because he was concerned about his drinking. He needed like a regular checkup.

Yeah. And he told him how much he drinks, and he was like really nervous to tell him like an honest number. And the doctor was like look dude i'm supposed to tell you that's really bad but you tell me you work out all the time you're in great shape everything else is healthy you're fine really and i was like that's the greatest news i've ever heard in my entire life can i get can i get is he out is he out here oh yeah i want him yeah yeah because i always panic and lie and i go on weekends yeah well i just don't go to the doctor yeah you don't yeah i haven't met a doctor in like 12 years overrated they all they want to do is tell you you gotta

try to give you pills dude all they want to do is like oh yeah it looks like this this lump is a bit big or oh it looks like your blood the numbers are bad in the blood oh it looks like your blood. The numbers are bad in the blood. Oh, it looks like this. Your kidney is exploding. Yes, these guys. It's a bit. Devin has prostate cancer. You have 12 days to live.

It's a tumor the size of a golf ball in your pancreas. You go, right, doc. You're full of shit. How come I got here? You're like yawning. You're yawning. You're like, oh. You go, right, doc. Right, you're full of shit. Is that why? How come I got here? You're like yawning. You're yawning. You're like, okay. I do this to the doc. I go, yada, yada, yada.

Do you still have bad nuts? No. Yeah, what are your nuts upset about? That was all because I was lifting wrong, and now Connor came into town, and I'm going to become the most jacked guy in the room. You're squatting wrong? Hell yeah.

Honestly. Devin keeps blaming his nuts. We're lifting. You have his nuts. We're lifting. You have prostate cancer. We're lifting together, and Devin will be doing a set, or will be finishing his last rep, and he'll be like, I couldn't do that when my nuts were stinging. What?

No, I haven't said that. My left arm hurt. No, no, you're not. You've heard him say- Earlier this week, you were complaining about one of your nuts hurting you. Oh, I said one of them, but that was just because the nut was being reminded of the past work. You have like PTSD. And it was a PTSD.

You're like, listen, buddy, my dick and balls have muscle memory, okay? No, truly. Generational trauma. I got all these tests. We all remember the period of time on the podcast when I was fighting testicular cancer and whatnot. We told Captain Jack that you had testicular cancer. Yeah, I had testicular cancer for a while. I'm the only one that ever had it

and didn't get anything done to it. Cured it yourself. I cured it myself. And no, I self-diagnosed myself because I got all these tests done. There was nothing wrong. I just strained something. Yeah.

I have this fantasy about going to the doctor. This never makes sense to anybody, but I have a fantasy of going to the doctor and This never makes sense to anybody, but I have a fantasy of going to the doctor and them being like, hey, so, this is crazy, but your back is broken.

And I go, really? And they go, you didn't notice that? And I go, no. And they go, are you the strongest man alive? That's like a fantasy of mine for some reason

and them being like, what's your pain tolerance like? Your back is broken. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't notice that. Because there are stories like that. There are dudes out there that have lived Yoel Romero. Kurt Angle won the Olympics with a broken neck.

Yoel Romero, I didn't know. Apparently he had a broken face and the doctor was like, his facial muscles are like three times the average. It makes no sense how quick he can heal. Well, it's because in Cuba for the Olympic program, they just start injecting kids with steroids,

like the fucking Master Chief program in Peru. It's so sick, dude. The Soviets are so fucking cool, dude. Chris Benoit went to the doctor one time, and the doctor goes, your whole family's dead. He goes, really? I'm like the strongest man alive. I do find it incredible that he...

It's crazy that he killed his family with a Bowflex. I don't know what's going on. That's insane. He literally did like choke slam his family to death. He did? Yeah. He killed them that way? He hit Moxie Cotton and strangled them with a Bowflex.

With a Bowflex? Yeah, didn't he kill one of them him oxycontin and strangled him with a Bowflex. With a Bowflex? Yeah, didn't he kill one of them with a Bowflex? He killed himself with a Bowflex. Oh, okay. But Canadian crippler, the rest. How do you kill yourself with a Bowflex? You hug himself on one of the cables. Man, he had to die still in a working house.

That kicks so much ass, dude. It's like Shakespeare. It's death by grind set. Super set. ass, dude. It's like Shakespeare. It's death by grind set. Super set. Yeah, yeah. He's a wake and grind guy. It's like the Mark Wahlberg schedule, but instead of like I wake up and start praying,

it's like wake up, give my family Oxycutin. I love those videos. Suffocate them to death. 5 a.m., I hang myself on a bow flag. Is there a Wahlburgers around here? Yeah, there is. Sunset. Sunset and Crescent Heights, way down there.

Have you had Wahlburgers? I've never had Wahlburgers. My buddy ordered Wahlburgers on Uber Eats and he said it sucked dick. I had one in Boston one time. It was pretty good. Really? I went to a Wahlburgers once and everyone working there was a blinded Vietnamese man.

Really weird. Here you go, Colin. Oh, thanks, buddy. So, I mean, should we watch some... Yeah, fuck. The Carton Ark guy... Oh, God. A couple videos...

He's starting to go viral for being a piece of shit. A lot of people are talking about him. We broke that story but we are the carton arc people everyone knows that you know we get our respect here okay you know the work we do the work we do the stories we break it's like these words these words you motherfuckers i can't forget about that every time so this is carter we have we ever watched carter getting the gun pulled on him no yeah. Yeah, we did. Oh, no. Maybe on Patreon.

I haven't seen it. Yeah, the guy in the van. Yeah, it's like, he just cocks the gun. He's like, get the fuck away from me. All right, well, we're not going to watch this then. Well, maybe I'm... I don't know if we did it. Maybe I saw it privately, to be honest.

Did we ever watch this where that guy keeps chasing him? I don't know. Let's... Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Angry Bone. Because he always has, like, nicknames for these people. Is he talking like Foghorn Leghorn in this one? You gotta put it...

This is him. Oh, shit. I blocked your attack stop so you shouldn't you shouldn't tell he's got a pt cruiser that's bad that means the guy's in a pt cruiser leave him alone he's got enough going on enough problems you know this car breaks every 10 seconds you know what they know the pt cruiser, you know how it happened? Yeah, it's a car made of surfboards. GM thought PT Cruisers would be the highest selling car ever. Because they thought it would be like a classic throwback. They thought there would be millions of people buying PT Cruisers and nobody bought PT Cruisers.

And eventually they're like, ah, it made it look like shit. Does GM exist anymore? GM, it does exist. And GM is a horrific fucking Chinese shell company. Really? Yeah, Toyota is honestly, if you want to buy American, you buy Toyota, because they have a plant in Tennessee.

Yeah, they're all made in Tennessee now, which I don't like that. I want them to be made in fucking Tokyo. Most of GM's auto parts are made in fucking Australia or Mexico. Oh, my God. It's ridiculous. Scumbag.

Yeah, I like to know that I'm driving a Ford. Hell yeah, brother. A Ford is great. Ford was the only... I said foreign. Oh, foreign. You know what Ford stands for? Found on the road dead.

Wow. You know, Ford survived 2008. Ford stinks, brother. My fusion is like foreign equipment. You've got the sticker of, like of the guy pissing on Ford. Yeah, the Calvin sticker. Next to it says rap starring stans for R.I.P.

Retard Detempting Poetry. I hate that rap crap. Yeah, John, you got lucky with your Ford. My Ford, my fusion. I think, I don't, I don't trust Ford. Literally, dude,

all the- I was thinking about getting a Maverick, the truck, the hybrid truck, but I don't have any't i don't trust for it i literally dude all i was thinking about getting a maverick the truck the hybrid truck but i don't have any maverick and then all my dumb friends would ask me to help them move and shit yeah don't get a pickup i had to pick a truck everyone asked me to move the maverick actually um as is in such high demand they don't have enough there's none of them around and uh trust me i know my fusion actually i've been there brother I've been there, brother. I've been there. My Fusion actually... All those alerts I was worried about last week.

They're fine? Your car's fine? I haven't had one. It's just gone. My ABS weren't... I would literally be driving and my power steering would go out. I was like, okay, this thing's about to go. I haven't the last week. What is ABS? The car has diarrhea or something? ABS is when you break back in the day.

Is that IBS? That's IBS. Very good, Devin. Car has angry bowel syndrome. Am I right, folks? This is why you subscribe for it. When you get ABS when you brake. Patreon.com slash hatewatchpodcast.

When you brake, it hits the brakes like... Yeah, that happens to me all the time. Why is that happening to you all the time? I'm driving a car. I literally... There's a mule pulling my car. You're like Fred Flintstone using your feet. My car is insanely shitty.

Your car is one horsepower. It's crazy. It's unbelievable. It's like an RC car. It keeps going. It does sound like an RC car when it starts up. It sounds like it's being held up by bungee cords and shit. Whenever Devin drives his car, it sounds like the Home Alone traps are going off.

Was this marbles in a paint can? What the hell is going on? It's actually getting annoying. I'm like, why won't the engine die? Because everything is so shitty, but it keeps getting me everywhere I go. Just donate it to Cars for Kids and buy a fucking new car that company's a scam though too you write off on your taxes i just saw them live actually i literally saw a commercial today you saw them live at the hollywood bowl

i've always wanted to do that like somebody gets in my car and i go have you heard this and i turn on like the Cars for Kids song. Yeah, like, banging my head to it. Yeah, you've been in the market for a new car for, like, two years. I'm gonna keep it going until it dies. I'm gonna keep saving up. I appreciate that. I say keep it going. It also helps keep me grounded, you know?

I've been trying to get Devin to buy a badass car for, like, a year. Oh, John and Richie and all you- Oh, Richie's jumped on the train? They've- All you guys have- Buy something you like. You guys are always like, dude, get a fucking sick car, dude.

Get a cool car. Get a car you'll enjoy. What is a cool car? Devin doesn't care about- A cool car is like, get something, get like a 3 Series. Get something you'd like. No. You know what I mean?

What do you think? I'm a fucking Armenian salesman? Yeah, whatever. Fucking- Devin likes Hyundai Elantras. That's the thing. I want Kohlberger's white Elantras. I feel like your dad.

I feel like I'm trying to get you into something you're not into. My plan is to keep saving up money, and then I'm going to buy... I think I'm just going to buy... You want a Yukon. I want to buy a Lexus Hybrid. No, I've known you always... And then I'm just going to have that for like 15 years. You said for fucking like...

As long as I've known you, you've always wanted... I want a Cadill for a long time as long as i've known you as long as i've known you you've wanted to like a yukon like a big fucking suv a big like a cadillac yeah an escalate i would have a yukon if fucking dirty joe biden wasn't in office raising the goddamn gas prices. By the way, I had a tweet go viral the other day where Joe Biden said something like, we're going to lower the prices of concert tickets. And I was like, I was like lower gas prices, you old retard. And it went like shockingly viral.

How many retweets? Oh, it has like 2 million views. It's like an insane tweet. That's like three quarters of the country. And I'm like, it's me calling the president an old retard. It's like 2 million views. It's like an insane tweet. That's like three quarters of the country. And I'm like, it's me calling the president an old retard. It's like we have, everything's finished. Yeah.

You know, I didn't know I could get away with that. I was stuck on the fact that you. Get away with what? I'm waiting for a knock at the door. Fucking come talk to me. You see that video recently of him giving a speech and everyone just starts chanting fuck Joe Biden. Fuck Joe Biden.

No. To him? Play that. Yeah, it giving a speech and everyone just starts chanting fuck Joe Biden. No. To him? Play that. Yeah, it's pretty nuts. Play that shit. That's amazing. I mean, what an empty shell

of a fucking... while I look for him. Well, I'm going to talk. It just, it's weird. Because nobody knows it's going to take him 15 minutes. It's funny that the president

is that accessible. It's funny that you can go heckle the president. Yeah, it is. You can't make meaningful progress on dealing with gun violence. Because

you have a mistake. You have to say it. This is fucking fake again, I bet. This has to be. I don't think it's fake. That's real. He's the worst president, I'm going to say to be. I don't think it's fake. That's real. He's the worst president I'm going to say in the history of this country.

He's the most unlike president. I would say second to Carter. I'll agree with that. People hate it because he grew his own tomatoes. I'll say third to Lincoln or some shit. I don't know what was happening in Lincoln. I don't know what was happening when Lincoln was president. He was growing peanuts because he... Because of corn pop what i can't wait what is he why was he growing

peanuts here's how stupid i was i'm so i'm so hung over and retarded today that i was like i thought peanut i thought black people had peanut allergies and i thought jimmy carter and then i realized the black guy just invented peanuts a A black guy invented peanut butter. You just like tripled up on how dumb this was. They invented peanut butter. Let's congratulate the mechanizations of Devin's head.

Okay. The word peanuts came out. Yeah. And you thought peanut butter. The inventor of peanut butter was black. This is And you thought peanut butter. The inventor of peanut butter was black. This is the path for bad gum. You put that together in like half a second. The inventor of peanut butter?

The inventor of peanut butter is black. You put that together in like half a second. What is peanut butter? Peanut... What the fuck are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? So how did he invent it? He blended peanuts up and realized it was like nutritionists.

I don't know what the fuck. But you can't... You got that together in like half a second. This conversation is so bad that it technically like nutritionists. I don't know what the fuck, but you got that together in like half a second. This conversation is so bad that it technically doesn't exist. I just, you know, it was very quick. It's funny if you let John explain something to you, you go, I already won.

I got out of it. John started talking. No, but that was where I'm like the people who understand what a vulnerable king I am. Vulnerable king? Are you rapable? Totally vulnerable otter. And I will tell,

I will let you know how retarded my brain is. It's actually brave. It's brave to be this dumb in front of the world. I'm very brave to say that. I was about... You're my hero. Thank you I'm very brave to say that. I was about... You're my hero. Thank you, man. Thank you, buddy.

I was about to say a joke and then I go, oh, fuck. And then John, luckily, big dumb fatso interrupted. And then I was like, I'm going to let this pass.

And then Joey was like, no, no, no, I need to hear this. And I was like, all right, well, listen, my stupid head thought black people invented peanuts.

And I was about to say, Jimmy Carter had a peanut thing to kill black people or peanuts. And I was about to say Jimmy Carter had a peanut thing to kill black people. And I was like, oh, a race joke or something. You know, that's what we do this for, baby. It's good radio. Yeah, we're all just very brain dead.

It's radio. It's my favorite moment of all ever. That's the greatest thing I've ever heard. I'm Moment of all Ever That's the greatest Thing I've ever heard I'm a vulnerable king You are That's the name of this episode Vulnerable king

Fuck yeah Fuck yeah dude People don't respect me And it's really annoying Cause like They don't understand Like I'm playing a character guys

I'm not retarded Devin Lee You're my favorite Character I'm not retarded I'm the I'm the Paul Giamatti of retards, baby.

Well. What were we talking about earlier? Black people invented peanuts. Devin thought all the human organs in the body were worth $7. Yeah, because he watched Seven Pounds. He watched Seven Pounds. Yeah. No, I actually never watched that movie. You watched Seven Pounds? Yeah.

No, I actually never watched that movie. I just came up with that on my own. It was based on the talk. And you were using... I thought a human heart was worth like two bucks. I think that's still... I know we looked it up and this was proven wrong, but I still believe in my initial thesis. You finally just made the...

You made... Upgraded from that as your dumbest thing. I still believe in my initial thesis. You finally just made, like, the... You made, you, like, upgraded from that as your dumbest thing. Connor, what years were World War II? 40, no? Like, 1939 to 42? Yeah, I was going to say 42. 43?

For us, 42, yes. But what years were... This is also just what, like, the Klan members asked before they left you know actually fuck you well John this is the only time

that it's literally I have a bunch of Nazis in my family white guys like love like history shut up I have a bunch of Nazis in my family right

in like the far reaches but like I know we all know John everyone just assumes they have a memorial in luxembourg for my family and it's like in the memorial is 1939 to 1945 and devin thought it was a grave site for a six-year-old child i mean i i get where he's coming from i don't know what's

so crazy about that you showed me a grave yeah it's 39 to 45. Why are they commemorating all these people at once? Because they were dead. It was a gravestone, John. It's not crazy to think a gravestone means one person died at six. Also, a kid dying at six is much more sad than a bunch of Nazis dying. No, I agree with you.

And that's why John's so sympathized. So I get where that is. And that's why John's so outraged about this, because he's really sad about all those Nazis You're a condescending little piece of shit. No, no, no. George, back me up here. This is bullshit. I want to back you up, but I'm enjoying this a lot.

This is great. No, Devin thought it was a gravesite for... Why would my entire family be commemorating a gravesite of a six-year-old? Because that would be... Because that would be fucking cool. That would be sad as hell. He was a really cool kid, and it was sad. Yeah, there we go.

If a six-year-old died my family be really sad i guess exactly retard no one cares about your heritage dude no one cares about your fucking you know joseph gobel's dad or whatever the fuck you're commemorating what would you say would you say to me you motherfucker fucking acting like i'm supposed to know about your stupid family. That's the years. Between, of what? Of World War II.

It's 39 to 45. So they had one gravesite for that? For a huge war in San Diego? What was the budget? They didn't have any money for it. It was a stone. Seems pretty disrespectful. Oh, yeah, this six-year war.

You get one gravesite? A lot more people died than one six-year-old. It's almost like these Nazis were cold or something. They only worshipped one kid. I mean, even the Marvel movies had more respect when Thanos killed a bunch of people. They had a bunch of masqueraders. Yeah, he snapped his fingers.

So, wait, where was this thing? I wasn't listening to anything you just said for the past 10 minutes. So the reason it was actually dumber than what you were remembering is because John set it up as like, here's this World War II memorial. I just thought it was funny. No, you said, what is there, a six-year-old soldier that died? Funny thing to say. No, it was funny, but John explained it.

No, you were genuine, though. It's as if I'm a comic, John. And you know what? You could learn a thing or two. I'm the funniest guy you know. You historical hoagie. You're a historical hoagie. I mean, I will say you are my favorite Nazi.

I'll give you that. Thank you, comic. Thank you, buddy. So wait, where was the gravesite? Luxembourg. Luxembourg. And I think we should go on like a trip out there. To see the Nazi gravesite?

Yes. It'd be fun. That's a great look. Listen, listen, listen. Every spring they have like a, it's like fucking. Every spring. Every spring. It's a girl with a dragon tattoo.

Listen, it's crazy. Like a bunch of people that look like me meet up in Luxembourg and worship all the Nazis that died in World War II. They really do? Yes, dude. It's crazy. Yeah, man, it sounds great. That'd be fun, and we could do a live pod there. I'm booking my ticket tonight.

Did you see Canada recently? Oh, dude, don't get me started, bro. In Ukraine, they let your uncles... Don't get me started. No, I did a deep dive. They let your uncle speak. I did a deep dive. What's your deep dive? The deep dive is, they look like us, right? They're white, right?

Ukrainians. But they have a very different idea of what World War II was. Right. So, to them... John's like, they thought the Nazis were the bad guys. No, they thought the Nazis were the good guys because they're anti-Russian at some point. They were weird out there. They felt backwards.

They didn't like Hitler. It's very strange. That guy was like a member of an SS unit that was pretty much anti-Soviet, right? And I don't think, I don't know if he, this is boring as fuck. It's not even gonna be funny. But the thing is,

maybe if you thought about this podcast a little bit. How do you suck me off? This guy basically was like an anti-Russian fucking freedom fighter to them, basically. Right. But to us, if that guy was on Normandy, he'd be shooting American soldiers. Right.

And he killed a bunch of Polish people. Yeah, your whole thing when I sent it to you, you were like, they have a very different understanding of World War II. Yeah, they're a very different culture and we shouldn't be paying for their fucking Social Security. How about that? Like, this whole war is a sham.

What is Cartnark up to? Cartnark. Play Cartnark. Play Cartnark. I don't know who that is. Cartnark? Explain Cartnark. He's a guy who gets angry at you.

I gotta pee. He gets angry at you if you don't put your cart back. Oh, his cart-nark. Cart-nark, yeah. So if you put your cart up on the curb, he'll come up to you and be like, hey, that's not cool. But also, he has magnets that have words on them.

It says, like, I didn't return my cart to the cart thing, and now I'm a fool or whatever. And then he'll throw it on your car. It's just bullshit. Got it. By the way, keep actually posture real quick. Thank God he's gone. I know.

Right? Now the boy's going to have fun. Now we can really let loose. He was getting on my damn nerve. Welcome to Haywatch with Connor McDonough, everybody. Did he piss first? Yeah, he pissed first. I'm four McUltras deep and a White Claw deep, and I haven't pissed yet.

Well, I mean, you've got to be quiet. Get out of here. I'm a superhuman. Get the fuck out of here. first yeah i'm four mcultures deep and a white claw deep and i haven't pissed yet well i mean he's you've got him i'm a superhuman yeah get the fuck out of here or else what don't fucking follow me i blocked your attack he slowly drives people insane yeah that's the thing it's like it's like he it's it's uh what do you expect well so here's the background on this from the pod is that we watched him and we all thought like oh carton arc is insane like this might be a guy that's lost his mind and he's just going he's like unhinged and he stopped doing his meds and he's gone off the rails and then people got pissed at us because they were like dude like why don't people just put your fucking cart back and they were acting like we were nuts for criticizing him so what you're saying

is like two psychos basically going but for more background there's one video where Cartnark is in like the southern United States and he's

talking like Foghorn Lakehorn to black women and it's really insulting and it's kind of psychotic so the guy's unhinged okay sir

bitch well sir do you need some help yeah you get the fuck away from me you son of a bitch So the guy's unhinged. Okay. Sir, what? Bitch. Well, sir, do you need some help? Yeah, you get the fuck away from me, you son of a bitch. Why are you so mad all of a sudden? I blocked your attack. You're a cunt, son of a bitch. Sir, now you know what you did, right?

If you want to return your car, you don't have to be so angry. Sir, that was really a poor throw. I didn't even have to block that one. Oh, my God, dude. If somebody said I blocked your attack I would lose my I blocked your attack I would go crazy Yeah

Connor would kill Cartnark in the woods I blocked your attack I hate Cartnark And I'm fucking happy The internet's getting on to him Yeah same You know

I'm gonna take a piss after you There's a lot of people John you know what Fuck you dude The fucking nerd I'm a vulnerable king. I'm allowed to show the people that I go pee. You aren't.

I can do whatever I want. Get out of here. You're drunk, John. Beat it with you. You're a fucking mess, dude. By the way, real quick. Thank God he's gone. I know, dude.

Here's the best thing about John. Here's the best thing about John, because he doesn't listen to the show or he doesn't take this seriously whatsoever and he just shows up to exist. And God bless him. He's funny. And I'm going to replace him.

God bless him. But here's the thing. We're going to do a segment in the coming weeks where it's who do you think will be replaced on the show and why is it John? And that's going to be a new segment for the next couple weeks. It's going to be really funny to watch him uh but here's the thing we could say anything

we want about john because he doesn't listen to the show yeah so right now say everything you feel about john because he literally doesn't listen to the show and it's bothered me for a year and a half because i'm like you don't take this seriously like you should listen to it we could all get better blah blah he doesn't care he doesn't listen john says pedophile john is a pedophile john's a fucking fat retard he ruins the show he's retarded he doesn't care he doesn't listen John's a pedophile John is a pedophile John's a fucking fat retard he ruins the show he's retarded he doesn't care about the show

John killed a man four years in a drink and driving accident John wants he's gonna get arrested John's a hit and run John has he has a couple

rape charges on it but like no one knows about that he sucks ass he's fat as shit he smells like fucking garbage he smells like garbage

he's a tiny dick he's a spreader he carries diseases he has HIV he's a tiny dick. He lives in a... He's a spreader. Yeah. He carries diseases and spreads them. He has HIV. He's a prolapsed asshole. His asshole is falling.

He's a pink sock out of his ass. He has like a pin on him at all times because he has AIDS. He always like pokes himself at bars and he pokes other people with it. He gives people AIDS.

He's a fucking scumbag, yeah. He plays Taggart. Oh, and he's fat as shit. He's so fat, dude. And he's like retarded. That's what I've ever met. Dude, his favorite drink is an AMF. Yep.

That's the worst thing about him. He postmates AMFs. That's how fat he is. In soup containers. That's what a disgusting man he is. He drinks a neon blue drink. Yep. Look at this.

Cherry lime. I mean, this is insane. Oh, God. Insane. He drank those in the span. I mean, it's only... He's so fucking stupid, dude. Dude, he's so dumb

he's really one of the dumbest guys I've ever met he's one of the dumbest people we've ever met yeah so anyway but he won't listen to this and that's why we're gonna do this every time he leaves we say the worst things about him because it'll I don't know he needs he'll never find out he doesn't care he doesn't care about this

sure this is punishment he cares but he doesn't care he's so manic he's such a manic maniac. He's losing his mind. I might be retarded. Yeah, sure. Sure, I thought black people invented peanuts. I listen to the show. I try to get better all the time. I'm always trying to get better, folks. I am always trying to get better.

It's a non-stop. The work never ends. And he's the opposite of you. And he's the opposite of me. And he's the opposite of me. Fat as shit, too. Fat as shit. Hey, what's up, buddy? What's up, dude?

How was that piss? It was really good. How you doing, you thin, smart man? We missed you, dude. I fucking hate you all. We didn't know what to do without you. We missed you. So we just talked about you. Flew off the rails, dude. I fucking hate you all. We didn't know what to do without you. We missed you. So we just talked about you.

Flew off the rails, dude. We talked about you, but we were very, very flat around. It's okay. It's fine. Yeah, I think the show without you would be dog shit. It would be. I couldn't do the show without you, John. I absolutely 100% believe that.

Here's the thing. We told the people, though, we're going to do a segment for the next coming weeks where it's who should we replace on the podcast and why is it john okay and they're gonna we'll do like john's replacement corner yeah it would be funny to bring in like don't don't take don't get all weird you honestly i think you think i'm like way more sensitive than i am i guess i do yeah it's kind of it's kind of psychotic devin does this thing where he'll like be mean to me on the podcast and like i'll go upstairs and i'll'll start hugging me and give me gay eyes. It's fucking gay shit.

I'm trying to be like, well, listen, I was mean to him but at least you get these eyes. Yeah, it's fucking queer. That's homophobic. Whatever. That's really fucked up, man. Who am I being replaced by? Billy Porter.

There's a whole running joke on that. Who the fuck is that? Billy Porter. God Porter? There's a whole running joke on the- Who the fuck is that? Billy Porter. God, you are so out of the loop on anything. Who the fuck is Billy Porter? He's this gay black guy that wears dresses. Yeah, I'm real into that shit. I'll know who that guy is.

You don't need to be into it, but you should know. I should know who a gay black guy is. John, at a certain point, you are being paid to comment on public figures. Yeah. Things happen. And I kick ass at it. You're the only one that all you care about is like your- Where would you have gotten that amazing hindsight?

All you give a shit about is your six-year-old Nazi relatives. Sorry, bud. Sorry, pal. Who's Billy Porter? Oh, oh, the fucking- Shit, let me look him up. Let's start bringing- It's really not that important.

Here's the thing that's fascinating about John. You want to replace me on the podcast, just... I'm never replacing anybody. It would be a funny bit. He's already breaking. This fucking loser. It's a funny bit, though, to bring... It's a funny bit, though.

We should audition people and tell them, like, hey, we're going to replace John here. Like, we want you to just see if you're funny. You'll see how bad it is. No, I know, but it would be a funny bit. Why don't we call him Shoemaker first, and we'll see him... My favorite thing was when we brought in Connor, and immediately people were like, brilliant move by Devin. He's bringing Connor in to show Joey and John that they need to be better.

Devin's a puppeteer. He's killing the streets. Nobody included me on that, by the way. No, but they were acting like I brought Connor in to be like, ooh, your jobs aren't safe, or some shit on that, by the way. No, but they were just like, they were acting like I brought Connor in to be like, ooh, your jobs aren't safe or some shit like that, which is hilarious that this is a job. Like we're sled dogs. These are my best friends on earth. There's not a job.

John could be legitimately retarded and be drooling into the mic and still be like, I don't know. I let him do it. I got to keep paying. He's on the show. He's on the show. He's on the show. So who's gonna replace me? I've been thinking,

you know, I've been thinking about just putting out an ad on Crack It Up. There's a lot of people out there. I got a guy in mind. He's not a famous person,

but it's kind of similar to you. When I was in high school, I did a bunch of plays. I did musicals. i can't wait to see where this goes i was in theater and uh so you come out of the closet you were in plays yeah i was the lead in a bunch of plays you were the lead yeah they're all like british they're all like british farces they were like such weird things but it was an insane amount of dialogue anyway the first play i did no i got i got the lead what was that milk yeah there's rents i got a character got aids uh i played harvey milk yeah yeah yeah uh i uh first first play i did we didn't have enough people

sign up for the play yeah so we were desperate for it and in la usd there will be like special needs kids who just get put into classes just to fill their day. You were the place where it started, guy. Yeah. But this is the kid. You were in the... You did the Broadway version of Peanut Butterfowl again?

This character... We didn't have anybody to cast in this role, so there's this kid, Mark, there, that we're like, hey, can you... He had to play a dead body dead body that's all he did the whole role was a dead body my uncle my uncle in the play dies and at one scene i have to drag him into a crate like a big chest and then close it it's good your big fat legs i'll fucking kill you fucking am fucking fucking i have no room every episode i'm the leader of the show and I have no fucking room you have no idea

what I'm fighting against every episode anyway sorry anyway with this special needs kid who I had to he had to be a dead body

there's no dialogue he's stroking my leg already he already feels bad about what he's saying you guys are killing Connor right now stop John interrupted

sorry you guys want to go on I'm good bro I'm getting to your replacement let's replace both of these guys that's why John's interrupting so much Sorry. It's unbelievable. John interrupted. Yeah. Sorry. You guys want to go on? I'm getting to your replacement. Let's replace both of these guys. That's why John's interrupting so much, because he knows you're coming for the throne. I also spelled throne wrong the other day on Instagram. No surprise there. I wrote throne, T-H-R-O-W-N.

Jesus fucking Christ. I love it. But I was drunk when I did it, and I was feeling myself. It was a cocky move on my part It was cocky Sorry Connor I'm sorry You're a humble king I'm sorry

A vulnerable king Humble vulnerable king Anyway Anyway Connor Keep going Connor I'm sorry You made this so hard for him to finish this story It's not even going to hit hard anymore

No go go go It's going to hit It's going to do great. There's this retarded kid named Mark who was in our class. There we go, buddy. Oh my god. No one else signed up for it, so we're like, can you play this dead body? He's like, yeah, I can do it.

He didn't speak at all. There was a scene in the play where I'd have to drag his corpse into this giant chest and then lock it for about five minutes while somebody from the government came to check in. The whole play was about how I'm scamming the government by claiming dependence on dead relatives

or whatever it was. Every single time I put him in the crate, he would shit his pants. I'm going to be honest with you. If you said anything less than that I would've been like

great story Connor but that's phenomenal literally amazing that's amazing every single time and I had to act in the live shows

while he's shitting himself live and I had to pick him back up that's like some dark Pavlovian response it was just

I bet he's getting locked in the thing at home and he's getting that's like a Pavlovian like I I know when I getting locked in the thing at home. That's like a Pavlovian, like, I know when I get in here, I'm going to be locked in here for, you know, three days because my parents do that, so I have to shit my pants. Dude, it was unbelievable.

And it's such a small little crate that, like, you know, he's hotboxing it, essentially. So you'd open it, and it was like, oh, my God, but I had to stay into character for the whole thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, I don't jank them, but you're like, I'm trying to. open it and it was like oh my god but i had to stay into character for the role yeah yeah yeah and it's like i was still so into the play that every time i'd open the crate he knew he shit his pants he'd go i'm sorry and i'd have to shut the fuck up mark you're dead and then i yeah man how bad was it so bad so unbelievably bad so that's gonna replace so yeah that's your

replacement i was a guy guy shits himself. I was in a school play once. I feel bad about calling an actual special needs person retarded. No, he's actually retarded? Yes. Who gives a fuck? Oh, that's not okay to say about them. That's not okay, but you had to do it because they fucking put you in a corner.

Yeah, you guys put me in a corner. I need to come back punching. I don't know how to respond to that. What the fuck was that? Did we have Alexa? It might be my phone automatically connecting. That's insane. I was in a school play once.

Yeah. And the teacher, they were like, you know, they were like, Devin's talented. They're like, you know, this kid's got it. You know? And they put me in it. And I was like the star of the show in auditions and in the uh in the uh what is it what is it called rehearsals rehearsals play

practice um and we did it every time and i played this guy where i came out with a cane and i said some wacky things or something it was some retarded play at my school Christmas play and I would come out and I and every time in rehearsals I would come out from the side of the stage like there was like three separate places to come out and we'd always come out in the second one right and it worked perfectly for whatever reason the day the big night of the play the first night biggest everybody all the parents are there everyone's there big sign your life biggest night of my life

it's like it's like opening night you know I was like fucking dude I was in the green room like fucking like slapping myself and shit

I was like so fucking into this sick and it's like seventh seventh it's like it's like seventh or eighth grade right John

yeah and and so the night of the play when it finally happens we've been rehearsing for like a month straight because we really somebody better so i come out and uh and uh for whatever reason they put us in the third slot so i come i come out what do you mean third i told you that

like there was three slots right and every time we came out during the rehearsal, we came out in the middle slot. Okay. So for whatever reason, the night of the play, the official night, we came out in the third slot. Sounds like you weren't the big star you thought you were if you're in third slot. No, you're not even understanding the story, dipshit. Okay, you're not even understanding the semantics

of the story, you fucking mongoloid. Okay, I will kill you. Don't you ruin this for me. We're bringing Mark back. For whatever reason, I was closer to the set, the fake

set that was in the background. It's a giant, 80-foot background piece. Somebody painted something. So for the night of the play, by the way, once again, I had a lot of talent. People really respected me.

People were really looking forward to me coming out. Okay, hold on. So fucking bad. Wait, hold on. What grade was this? It was like 7th or 8th grade. And what was the whole slot thing? There were three slots on it.

On the side of the stage to come out, to walk out on the stage, right? So I'm saying the second one wasn't close to the background image. Very good, dude. But the third one was much closer. Got it. And this was ninth grade? This was seventh or eighth grade. Okay.

I think it was a Tuesday or a Wednesday. All right. Maybe I forget. But were you a star by any chance? I was a big star, and everyone really gave me... Got it, yeah. Third slot, big star. People, teachers used to come up to me.

They'd go, you're a vulnerable king. They'd go, let me suck your dick. They'd go, let me suck your fucking dick. Can I suck you off? Everyone loved me. I fucked a lot of my teachers. I fucked everybody back then. Sincerely. So I come out

the night of the play. Packed. It's packed. It's packed. Packed like your phone. Packed arena. We're in La Cunada. Everyone's like, we know Devin's in this. Devin's in the play.

Devin's in this. Devin's in the play. We know Devin's in this. He goes, I hate watch podcasts. Yeah. You guys hear Devin Costas in this play. Third slot. Devin Costas in this. This is amazing. He's so hot.

He goes, he's got this. He goes, I want to suck his dick. He goes, he's. Everyone in the crowd's like, he's a star, but his name's retarded. And so the night of the play for whatever reason we come out of the third slot seventh grade seventh or eighth grade got it what slot and i'm the third okay and i'm holding a cane in the sketch or in the in the in the play whatever and my cane hook grabs the side of the background image and as we walk out the whole background

falls. Fucking cool, dude. You let me finish, asshole. I feel like this is how Alice in Chains felt when Layne stayed and died. The whole thing

fell and there was smoke everywhere. I ruined the whole set. The whole set was ruined immediately. A smoke everywhere. I ruined the whole set. The whole set was ruined immediately. You're a klutz. A klutz. You're a klutz. I had to step over things, and people are like, what the fuck? In the crowd and stuff.

How could Devin Costa do such a thing? And I jumped over stuff, and then I had to get... The stage fell on me, and I had to move it off me. You're like, I was thinking of Charlie Chaplin thing, guys. And then I walked out, and then I walked out, and I said the N-word. This is how you get John Beck. You're like, I know I need John back. After that, the amount of offers I got.

You got JFL after that, I heard. Oh, you did it. You fucking did it. How'd you do that? How did you do that? I walked right off. Come on, you maniac. You're out do that? I walked right out. How did you do that? How'd you do that? I walked right out. Come on, you maniac. You're out of...

Sober up, John. I knew it would get him. I don't know why it's so funny. Thank you for helping me on that. I agree. But yeah, the story did not match Connor's, but I wasn't shitting myself. Yeah, no retards are shitting their pants in this story. I wasn't retarded or shitting myself, but like...

But yeah, that actually was true. Like, I... Well, you know who's retarded and shits his pants? John Knotts. Yeah. There we go. There we go. Like, I wrote, like, well, you know who's retarded and shits his pants? John Knotts. There we go. There we go. That's your replacement, bitch. Hey, listen.

I've shit my pants. I don't think I've shit my pants in, like, five years. Yes, you have. Okay. You have. You texted us and said you shit your pants at work. Yeah, dude, you shit your pants at work. Did I?

Yeah. When? Not, like, within three months. I don't consider a shart a shit, though. John shits his pants like he's winning. Is there shit in your pants? No, no, listen. Listen, Connor, Connor, Connor.

Are you, like, weighing it? You're like, you put it on a scale, you're like, that's not quite shitting your pants. No, no, honestly. No, yes. So, like, the thing is, is, like, if I'm full load dumping in my pants, that's happened.

By the way, you're the only adult person on earth that drops full log shits in their pants. That's never been a qualifier for shitting your pants. Just because you don't. Shorty is the only acceptable thing for an adult. That is what shitting your pants means to me. To normies. To normies. To normies.

To the uninitiated. Exactly. No, if you haven't full load fucking dumped in your pants, like that's not shitting your pants to people like me. Yeah, only infants do that. Yeah, I know, but that's the thing. It is fun to shit your pants and feel like a log in there. Oh, it's crazy.

You've had that? No. With me? With him? Yeah. It's crazy. No, Devin, you've never done that. He's driven me home.

Back when I was a kid, sure. Yeah. Everyone shits their pants with a killer. I haven't done that in a long time. But the thing is... Not long enough. I pissed myself. Yeah, Devin pissed himself, which to me is worse. Wait, recently?

No, years and years ago. Six years back? Seven years back? I went to bed like a year ago. Were you drunk? That doesn't count. I pissed myself consciously. Like I was awake. Yeah, Devin peed his pants.

I was driving. I was stuck in traffic in Beverly Hills. It was a good piss pants extravaganza on the Patreon. It was wild. It was a classic episode. My favorite episode ever. And then it was the funniest part of that episode is that John drove down from San Diego to like make fun of me. And then we just did the whole conversation turned into John

shitting himself because I've shit myself so many times but again right no John showed up being like hey Devin you fucking loser you pissed your pants yeah and then Devin instantly just goes like dude you have shit your pants I'm utterly transparent yeah and I'm utterly transparent

every single person just starts going like yeah dude that's worse John yeah it is that's a lot I don't think John. Yeah, it is. That's a lot worse. I don't think it is worse, though. It is worse. It's so much worse because there's pain associated with, like, pissing your pants. It's like you physically can't hold it. Yes, exactly. And shitting your pants is a mistake where you

trusted a fart. No, no, no. You're so out of tune with your own body. I think, I think, I think. That is true. Can I defend myself? John trusts farts too much. I've never once had a shit so bad that I'm like, I can't hold this shit anymore. That's crazy to me.

It's the smallest muscle in your body. If you can't control that muscle, you're weak. You're mentally weak. No, no. You're physically mentally weak. I literally tried to control my sphincter so much. No, shitting your pants is like the weakest man thing you could ever do. Listen, I'm sorry.

I don't know what to tell you. John, it's genetic, dude. It's not genetic. It's genetic. John's like, a long line of Nazis were shitting their pants. It's genetic. I have a weak sphincter. My father had a weak sphincter.

His father before him had a weak sphincter. This is what happens. I've gotten better. I've worked the muscle. I'm just so... I'm not mad. I've gotten better. I've worked the muscle. I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed. I get it. John, that is so weird.

No one else has ever done that. You guys gave me so much shit for pissing myself. That was crazy. But John's is so much worse. It had to happen. Yeah, whatever. That day had to happen. I needed much worse. It wasn't that crazy. I just feel like shitting your pants. It had to happen. Yeah, whatever. That day had to happen. I needed to pee.

That's okay. I was stuck in traffic. There was nowhere to get out. I'm in Beverly Hills. I can't just get out of the car and go pee in the wall. That's public indecency. My dad was doing Uber for a while and was just pissing in his Snapple bottles. I did that so much.

And he just now is used to doing it. So I'll get into his car. We'll be driving like 20 minutes. He's like, hand me the bottle. And at a certain point, I'm like, I think you like pissing in the bottle. It's exciting. It is exciting. It's exciting to stick your dickhead into the bottle.

You kind of like get to do like, oh, I still match this one. It's like if the size of it is like, if it still has a hard time getting in, you go, man, I'm pretty good. I was going to Santa Monica with my mom and dad like you know two years ago he's pissing in bottles while your mom's in the car my mom hands on the bottle and i'm like mom is this not weird to you and she's like i'm used to it i fucking kicks ass and then he just instantly opens the window and pours it out the window he pours it out and it just it just missed every car behind him yeah so my here the move. You fill the bottle and then you just pull into a suburban neighbor and you

just put the bottle on the street. The ultimate move. My grandfather had polio. Well, he likes the bottle. He wants to keep using the same piss bottle. That's my bottle. That's the piss bottle. That's geranged. Yeah. He has a piss bottle and he has a spit bottle for his chewing tobacco. Oh, wow. Your dad dips? I didn't know your dad dips.

He goes in and out of it but yeah what I know my grandfather had polio and he couldn't like walk what a bitch listen he drilled a hole

into the bottom of his car and had a funnel in like a tube system that kind of rocks actually yeah he would piss into the funnel in the tube that kind of rocks because he like

it was hard for him to get out of the car and like fucking go to the bathroom so he just pissed why because he had polio. So, like, people would... What is polio?

Polio is where you can't... You walk all funny? You don't have use of your legs. Or worse, neck down. Your grandfather walked a little funny. He didn't walk, brother. He couldn't walk? He couldn't walk.

He's in a wheelchair. He's in a wheelchair all the life. That's so funny. But he would piss out of a tube into the bottom of his car. That's a bitch, dude. That's the most retarded episode we've ever done. It's Jake's ass.

His grandfather couldn't walk, Joe, at all. That's hilarious. And people would think his car was leaking, so they'd drive up next to him and be like,

hey, your fucking oil's leaking. And he'd be like, yeah, take a piss. And he goes, see Kyle, yeah,

I know. Yeah, he goes, see Kyle. Family's Nazis, John. They all can't walk. They're just Nazis shitting their pants left and right. Paralyzed Nazis shitting their pants. The least scary Nazis of all time.

It's like the Inglorious Bachelors are like, well, this is their easiest day. It's like Predator. Predator when he sees like a pregnant woman I just I can't he's already gone through enough I'm gonna let him go

yeah I come from a long line of great genetics apparently but I mean you guys live long but like you live long we live forever we're like

everyone in my family is like incredibly manic bipolar and has polio and just yeah despite everything lives to be 90 years old it's crazy

it's incredible how yeah the strength yeah the strength of the of the noff family yeah yeah joey you have any retired family members um my why don't you want to i don't want to be mean to my family no don't do it don't do it talk about john's yeah talk about my family bunch of ret No, no. Just a bunch of German mud people. I got a bunch of smart relatives and then I got a couple ones that went off the rails. You have like white trash

people in your family? Yeah. Hell yeah, dude. It's like a mix between like lawyers and doctors and then there is a couple of guys that just decided to go their own way. Yeah, well if you can't name a retarded person in the family, it means you're the retarded person in the family. No, you're the retarded person in the family. No, I have one in mind.

By the way, I am. Name them. No, I'm not going to do that. Do people think you're a problem in your family? I'm considered a maniac. Yeah? Not probably. I'm considered a maniac.

You're so high-fiving, though. No, that's why I get away with it. It's like, okay, well, I'm not asking you guys for anything. So put up with it or kick me out of the family. I don't know what the fuck is. Right. Has that ever happened where you're going to get kicked out of the family? Oh, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

I have the best family ever. Very accepting and understanding. Joey's got an amazing family. My family is fully retarded. Yeah. Yeah. I remember, um,

hanging out with your uncle and he was pointing up at the sky and talking about predator drones. My Uncle Byron? Yeah, we were petting your dog. Yeah, my uncle was so retarded with our family dog that my dog would look at me like, please help. He would stroke your dog

and look at me. He would pet it for three hours straight. Sheba! Sheba! Sheba! Sheba! Sheba! Sheba! Shebers! Shebers! dog and look at it for three hours straight sheba sheba sheba sheba sheba shebers shebers shebers my uncle's so retarded that he I it's really sad because I think he's homeless now anyway

anyway moving on but yeah he he would ask us for like send a picture of your dog that's creepy, bro. I'm fully convinced I think he fucked my childhood dog. He's at least jerking off to the dog.

Yeah, it's fucked up. It was a rough, I don't know what's going on with him. He used to hand me on Christmas, or on my birthday. It would be my birthday, right? I think I told this on Lemon Party. I'd be like, whatever, give me the shit.

I'm just leaving these people out. Can't repeat. Yeah, no great comics. Comics don't repeat anything. Find a new podcast, guys, by the way. Exactly. Move on, dipshits. Leave. Fuck you. Subscribe for the Patreon, too. We wake up tomorrow and we're like, completely, we have no money. My uncle Byron used to

On my birthday He'd walk into the house And he'd be like Happy birthday Dave By the way He lived in Kentucky For like two years He's from Long Beach

And he all He lived in Kentucky For two years And he came back And he had a southern accent His whole life And he just kept it He would say like

He would say words Like cotton picking He'd be like Cotton picking Oh Jesus And I'd be like You're from Long Beach. You're like a surfer.

Yeah. So he used to walk in on my birthday with my grandmother, who was from Brooklyn. And my grandma would just scream at him like, shut up, Byron. You're an idiot. And he'd be in back like, hey, Dave. Happy birthday, Dave. Just talking like Elvis. And he'd go in back like, hey, Dave, happy birthday, Dave. Like, just talking like Elvis. And he'd go, happy birthday.

And he'd pull out a Ziploc baggie full of like, it would be full of like two almonds and like a couple Tylenol and like maybe like three or four goldfish. Like a vitamin D or something. And he'd be like, happy birthday. And he'd hand it to me like it's like a drug deal. And I'd be like, I'd be like a kid. I'd be like, Oh, thanks, Uncle Byron.

Has he been diagnosed? Does he have an actual thing? No, it's another one of these problems where they're not retarded enough to be diagnosed. Yeah. He's just unhinged. I just remember he was petting Sheba on the deck and I was sitting next to him

and he just looked up and there were like planes flying in the sky. Hey, Shebers. Hey, Shebers. Hey,ebers, hey Sheebers. Hey look at John. There's predator drones. Yeah. He's been like a million things. He was like a liberal, he was a republican, he's a mormon. It's like a, you, me, and Dupree was

like really dark. Imagine if you, me, and Dupree was about like a really, it was like Darren Aronofsky directed you, me, and Dupree. I was like baby getting ripped apart they're like dupree's here they're like oh fuck oh jesus yeah dude he uh he is something else that guy and it's really sad because i he was like he was like gone for like weeks on end one time where they couldn't find him or like is he dead and we found out he was like in jail for two weeks like fuck he's not dead what a badass he uh he like hates the cops

so he's always like protesting the cops but i think they just keep kicking his ass the cops keep kicking his ass. Anyways, folks, I'm going to wrap that up. I'm a vulnerable king. Yeah. Very good. Strange episode. I would laugh if I listened to it.

It's my favorite episode. I think it was really fun. I think it was really fun and funny. I was, it was silly and fun. It was very retarded. Joey's gonna make it. Joey's gonna do something with it.

Joey's gonna be a silly dude. Joey's gonna have some opinion on it that all these people are gonna take seriously. I just said it was silly and fun. I don't know, like what? There was a but coming.

You were about to say but. But. No, but very retarded, but fun and silly. That's what we all are here. I know, I know. I agree. I'm just saying, I apologize.

Not every week can have a fucking theme of videos. You know what I mean? We'll get back to that. Yeah. This was fun. Patreon's going to be a lot of watching stuff. Patreon will be a normal HeyWatch app. Patreon that comes on HeyWatch Podcast.

Yeah. Do you see the guy on our Reddit? He's like, I'm a gay man. And I want to know if like the Patreon's like worth signing up to. Like, like we're on the Patreon. I'm a gay man. Murdering Harvey Milk or something like that. He's like, I love.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like bizarre. He's got his OnlyFans. Yeah, it's like, what do you think we do on the Patreon? We get on the Patreon. We're just like, I fucking hate fags. It's like we transform and become like that church that like God hates fags. We're the same people. No, yeah, no. We, we transform and become, like, that church that, like, God hates fags. We're the same people.

No, yeah, no. We're not going to become, we're not going to start changing. We get a little bit, like, we're more open. Well, John does say the N-word a lot on the Patreon. John says the N-word. So that's why you should join. But, yeah, no, there's no gay hate. We have no.

I love gay people. We're the gayest guys in town. Gayest guy ever. I'm the gayest guy in this room. For Christ's sakes. Jesus Christ. You know? So, yeah, please join the Patreonest guys in town. Gayest guy ever. I'm the gayest guy in this room. For Christ's sakes. Jesus Christ. You know? So, yeah, please join the Patreon, you fucking queer.

Also, subscribe to the YouTube. Somebody told me that I should tell people to subscribe to the YouTube channel. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Get on the fucking Reddit. Reddit's a big deal. Well, they say, I think they, somebody told me that subscribing to the YouTube channel helps. Yeah.

Please subscribe to the YouTube channel because it makes no sense. We get like 8,000 views an episode and we have 3,000 subscribers. It literally makes no sense. It's because people... I don't subscribe to shit. I don't subscribe. I love a lot of... I listen to poker podcasts and stuff.

I never subscribe. I just never subscribe. Please subscribe. But it helps. Please subscribe to us, folks. It helps us from getting kicked off fucking YouTube. A lot of you listening and it helps if never subscribe. Please subscribe. But it helps. Please subscribe to us, folks. It helps us from getting kicked off fucking YouTube. A lot of you listening, and it helps if you subscribe. It doesn't really.

It has to at some point. My name. It does something according to this guy. Let's get over to the Patreon. All right. Bye-bye. Patreon.com slash HeyWatchPodcast. Connor McNutt, 420 Naughty Boy, Joey Arlafleur, John Badman on Instagram.

Two Ds. God bless you. Good night.