Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #100 with Rob Thomas - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan
Episode Date: December 28, 2020Thanks so much for listening. Give us a follow on socials @haveawordpod and make sure to subscribe to the podcast on your app and to our channel at: YouTube.com/haveawordpod. Full epsiodes in video on... da'tube.And if you'd like an extra episode of our lids, every week, in video and audio... sign upto our Patreon.com/haveawordpod. From as little as £3 a month you get the weekly exclusive ep. and a load of other perks. Enjoy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Thanks so much for downloading the Have A Word podcast.
We really appreciate it.
This is the public episode.
It goes out every Monday.
Did you know we do an extra episode?
It comes out every Wednesday.
It's the Patreon exclusive.
So to become a patron, to essentially subscribe to the podcast,
you can do it from as little as £3 a month.
Once you're signed up, you will get the early release of the public episode.
At least 24 hours early, you'll get to watch it in video form you
can also get discounts on merch discounts on future live shows there's loads of extra little
weird stuff we put on there but the big one is the extra episode every week in video and audio form
it's like an hour and a half long recently and it's some of our favorite podcasting it's sponsor
free we don't have adverts on it it's just me and Adam really letting it loose because it's just for the
patrons. It doesn't go out on the normal internet.
And honestly, we've looked around at what other
comedians and other podcasts are putting out on
their Patreon. This is one of the best deals
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basically buying me or Adam a pint to
say thanks for the pod, you get all
of this shit. Sign up at
patreon.com slash have a word pod.
Really appreciate it. Now now i'm getting the
word nuts oh you think darkness is your ally you merely adopted the dark i was born in it
molded by it who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before?
When she pick it up every time she starts to talk, give her the dick.
Disgusting!
She'll be like, hello.
What I'm doing?
This is when you get it.
What I'm doing?
Oh, none.
Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios,
hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England,
these are the funniest leads in the podcast game.
Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl
with full HD video episodes on YouTube.
Ja! Upset me!
Don't be a rat. Download, subscribe and tell a friend.
It's the one and only. Have a word.
Episode 100.
Well, we call it episode 100, don't we?
It's probably like episode 197.
How many patrons, I guess, exclusives have we done? We've done probably 30.
Do you reckon?
35?
Must be in 25 and 35.
Like May, seven months of patrons.
So four times 728.
I bet there's a couple of extra, probably 30.
Few bonus.
But I mean, if we're going for the OCD sufferers, self-diagnosed,
this is 100.
Yeah, this is episode 100 hundred of the numbered episodes,
of the episodes we decided to give a number to.
Congratulations, mate.
Thank you very much.
I work very hard for this.
You know, to turn up here every week
with absolutely no plan whatsoever
and see how it goes.
And just trust that you're talking to people
that you have decent chemistry with.
And who's got the lead?
We've got the lead.
Episode 100, thanks to everyone who's been involved
right from the off, even if you've just picked it up.
But this is not, like, I don't even feel like
we've done that much for Christmas.
It's episode 100, but we're like,
yeah, but it's going to be an episode of 100 of 1,000.
So in my head, everyone's like, congratulate. I've had a few messages going, amazing, episode 100 but we're like Yeah but it's going to be an episode of 100 of 1000 So in my head
Everyone's like, congratulate
I've had a few messages going, amazing, episode 100
And I'm like, yeah
It's just an episode, we'll smash it, we'll smash the next one
And we're going to try and do 500 more
What's quite mad is
By this time next year
It'll actually only be episode 150
Wow
It's annoying isn't it
It's just
because of that
lockdown
two years away
from episode 200
so
unless we get
locked down again
and we do it
every day again
it just doesn't
feel
yeah oh no
don't do that
don't do that
because they
listen
obviously
they're like
yeah I do
want you to do
it every day
never again
but I think
it's uh
quite a ting
isn't it quite a ting and then it's
our first birthday in a couple of weeks as well so thanks for your support and uh many more
and i hope you had a nice christmas we're recording this before christmas so it feels a bit weird this
is the christmasy episode yeah we haven't really done much christmasy stuff have we we put fucking
ho ho ho up we put your mar up here. No, you bought
1,400 fucking Christmas
bulbs for the biggest
dickhead Christmas tree. You can't see it, but the
entire studio is covered in
lights. They start at the fire exit,
work their way round.
We've just started lobbing on it.
Did you just call that the fire exit as if
there's another one?
The door.
The window's the fire exit. if there's another one? The door. The door.
The window's the fire exit.
The fire exit's the window, innit?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Ground floor, aren't we?
Mm.
You ever been in a fire?
No.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
About three or four now.
Yeah?
I'm getting good at them.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Adam couldn't move and he had his shoulder.
What would you have done if there was a fire when you hurt your shoulder and it was out of place?
I'd have burned to death, Daniel.
The flames!
The flames are bad,
but I can't move my shoulder!
I couldn't move.
I was glued to the bed.
Maybe, like,
the serotonin kicks in there
and you could move.
Maybe.
Serotonin.
Just get all...
It's adrenaline, isn't it?
Just a flush of happiness,
like,
I'm going to burn alive!
That's all you need if you don't Just a flush of happiness, like, I'm going to burn alive. That's all you need.
If you don't believe in drugs,
just take a bit of fucking lighter fluid,
set a clubber on fire as they're dancing like,
ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Woo, feeling great.
Would you jump out of a building?
On fire?
Would you jump, like, two stories?
I'd jump maximum four stories.
Four stories.
Pull that number out of your arse.
What?
Four stories.
Yeah. Yeah. Like, to get out of a fire? four stories pulled that number out your arse what four stories yeah yeah
like to get out of a fire
what
what story
like so obviously
we're ground
safe as houses
climb out
maybe catch like a bollock
on a latch
that's about as bad
as it's gonna get innit
oh
I felt that
why would you need
to put that in
you always take
you get your dick and balls
out in a fire
is that the of course mate that's fire 101 that's fire 101 you don't want burnt Why would you need to put that in? You always get your dick and balls out in a fire.
Is that the... Of course, mate.
That's fire 101.
That's fire 101.
Remember the assembly point.
You don't want burnt shorts or sweaty balls.
So it's like, remember the assembly point,
stop, drop, roll, get your bollocks out.
Yeah, absolutely.
No, duh.
Mine are getting more sort of fluid-y.
They're like sort of, you know...
Balls.
Oh, yeah, they're dropping.
Are they getting bigger?
They're not dropping like...
Dropping.
They're like...
No, they're not... Did you use them as like a cover? They're not dropping like... Drop in. They're like... No, they're not.
Did you use them as, like, a cover?
They're not enlarged.
A quilt.
It's just...
It's just...
I could literally flop my 40-year-old balls over the fire.
Could you Arabian goggles yourself?
Just hide under it.
Like Harry Potter's invisibility cloak.
I'm a growth!
I'd imagine how horrible that would be.
What were you saying?
I've literally All I can see in my head
Is my own balls
How many stories could you jump house on?
So ground floor you're safe as houses
Yeah
Let's just do this building
Because these aren't
You know
Quite tall ceilings aren't they?
Yeah
So first floor's not dicking about
No first floor you're fine
What yeah?
What kind of jump you're going for?
Like Adam a cannonball You know you didn't need to No, first floor, you're fine. What, yeah? What kind of jump are you going for? Like,
add him a cannonball.
You know you didn't need to.
I got a fucking flying squirrel.
Will you do that?
Then you just break your fallen roll.
No, but don't you climb out and then-
Lower yourself.
And then hang and then drop,
because you basically-
No.
You actually take a jump,
like you're at the fucking deep end.
Kellen Bell!
You spread yourself wide.
Oh, that's it. That's it.
Belly flop off the concrete.
Because then it spreads the impact.
No, you land on your legs, but your knees buckle,
and then you roll, and you roll, and you stand up,
and you're like, what?
From four stories.
No, no, we're doing third story.
I don't think the tactics
change no matter how many
stories you go on
that's about five metres
17 stories
you still do the same thing
and hope for the best
stop
like take the impact
on your knees and roll
I think your knees
would be in the ground
have you got a better option
yeah
what
backflip
I'd be the nonce
that's fucking
clinging on
and then you know
couldn't you just do that
because the outside
of the building
doesn't bend does it
you just hang up the building
if it's concrete
do you just
do you try and climb down
like a
a free climber
how long do you think
you could hold yourself
six days
six seven days
well I keep seeing that
I think you could last
six seven days
I can't
I can't decide
if it's bullshit or YouTube,
just like through growing up together,
your banter's like, no, I'd be fucking amazing.
I could hang for six, seven days.
I reckon you'd last about a minute and a half.
Well, I've just seen that challenge.
I don't know if you see it on social media a lot,
but the 100 second hanging by the bar challenge
where it's like 100 quid or 100 euros.
And you've got to hang for 100.
And one, I've just seen the video where one guy did it.
Yeah, but he's in on it.
Right.
He's in on it to get the other people walking past to be like,
oh, you can do it.
No, no, no, actually, do you know what?
I think Adam's right because I was watching the video
and I could see Hillary Clinton.
No, in the back I was like, is that Hillary?
And then she had like a child's leg in her mouth.
Just chewing on it.
A little starter for her.
Yeah.
What are you two talking about?
That is very distracting.
It's literally just work stuff.
It's just production.
I was just like, what are they whispering for?
Are they talking about me?
Are they talking about Dan?
Why are you getting paranoid?
I don't know. I had some alcohol last night. They're a production team. They're literally going, how should we produce this? And you're like, what are they whispering for? Are they talking about me? Are they talking about Dan? Why are you getting paranoid? I don't know, I had some alcohol last night.
They're a production team.
They're literally going, how should we produce this?
And you're like, what are you talking about?
What are you talking about Hillary Clinton for?
Yeah.
I'll be back in one minute.
I'm literally just helping Finn with production.
Just play to me, mate.
We did about 60 of these episodes before he was here.
It's off-putting.
And I'm still a bit hazy because I had some booze.
Oh, he's ropey.
I had a bottle of red wine last night.
Oh, you're a cultured drinker, aren't you?
Mold or red?
Rioja.
Oh, Rioja.
And a beer.
And now you're having a Pepsi Max cherry.
And I finished with a cocktail called a Rumpa Pum Pum.
And I only got it because it looked like it had Pum-Pum written in it.
Can I have a Roo-Pum-Pum, please?
Are you Pum-Pum?
Yeah, I had a little cocktail, a little rum cocktail.
Basically, I had rum sours.
This is out.
You went for some beverages.
I went for a substantial meal.
Of course, of course.
Six scotch eggs.
Yeah.
A glass of Rioja.
Yeah.
I'm not a wine man man I didn't used to be
But I like a red wine
A good red wine is nice
A bad one tastes like vinegar
But a good one
Right
You a wine man yeah
Red wine's nice yeah
He's changed
Yeah you can go on
He's changed
I either like a really good red wine
Or a really cheap rosé and lemonade
There you go
There he's
There he's back
Or the beer
through the pipes nice one yeah i'll have that when they're cleaning the pipes yeah um i've never
been into wine i'm just a little sophisticated when i've got a red wine i feel like i look like
i know something really you don't know no but you don't know much doesn't matter what do you do
do you have like does it change how you talk because i think you
could ruin that by going that's pasta i love red do they do blue wine i will fucking drink it blue
beer up the fucking reds no but like you know when you sat there like with your glass of wine you
take a little sip and you put like you look you look like you're contemplating something if you
do that with a beer you look like you're trying to get rid of your troubles.
With a red wine,
it looks like you're trying to solve a problem.
Yeah.
I think that about all wine drinkers.
Like at Christmas when my parents are trying to drink it out of a box,
I'm like, they're fucking trying to work it out.
How to fucking leave the house.
Are you a wine man, Dan?
No.
No?
No, I've just never...
Same, I don just never... Same.
I don't like coffee either.
I think you have to have like a...
You have to develop like a palate for stuff like that.
You have to have a good palate
and you're just a fucking child, aren't you?
No.
Fucking hell.
One glass of Rioja and he's matured 20 years.
He's fucking...
That must sound horrendous to the people listening.
It doesn't sound good in my ears.
Is that nice?
To everyone who's listening and not watching,
Adam's just a sucker.
Adam, was that really nice?
Neither of you like coffee, actually.
So you're both fucking gimps, aren't you?
Yeah, because I don't want to be...
Like, you depend on coffee.
I don't.
No, you do.
I don't depend on it.
No, but I mean...
I don't mean depend on it.
I'll stop whenever I want.
Okay, this is rubbing his dick against the Costa window. You rely on it for but i mean i don't mean depending on stop whatever i want okay he's rubbing his dick
against the window you rely on it for some things i enjoy it yeah and i enjoy the the little mini
high i don't think that's as much as a finger point like about three quarters of the country
rely on no yeah totally yeah i don't want to though i don't want to have to go oh i can't
live until about the cost no but i'm not like that my default isn't affected oh okay like my default is my default
it's not like
I've got
I've got negative
because I haven't had coffee
coffee's just always a bonus
yeah
right yeah
it's like cocaine
is it
yeah
you don't need it
but some mornings
you wake up
bowl of cereal
big line of ching
and then you're off
isn't it
that's how you live
exactly
because you're mature now
because you've grown up
yeah
I er
I like a
like a
I like coffee once
in a while
like I don't hate
the taste or anything
like a cappuccino
or something
sometimes it's quite nice
well I had erm
so I don't do coffee
but
rags do a good coffee
my last
my final exam in uni
don't
the big one the coffee's quite good the big the coffee. My last, my final exam in uni, the big one.
The coffee's quite good.
The big,
the big fella in uni,
my last English exam,
I just make our break.
And I've been in the lobby
since like 5am.
My exam was at 11.
I'm lagging a bit here,
do you know what I'll do?
I'll have a tactical
double espresso.
Wow.
And I don't drink coffee.
Um,
and,
during the exam,
I could like, hear colour.
Yeah.
I was, like, fucking wild.
That's like having a tactical bit of heroin.
No.
No, I don't think heroin.
I don't think, you know, maybe modafinil, maybe coffee, maybe cocaine.
I don't think heroin's ever the best.
You've got to pass the exam.
It's the end of your exam and you've stayed up all night.
Fucking smack me.
Smack me up. Heroin must be bossed almost, innit? It must be dead good. but you've got to pass the exam. It's the end of your exam and you've stayed up all night. Fucking smack, mate.
Smack me up.
Hedewyn must be bossed almost now.
It must be dead.
And that's what we're doing for the big episode 100.
A bit of skag.
We've done so many different types of conversation.
We've even done the
would you get your ball stuck on the latch
as you escape from a fire.
We're running out of stuff
so Adam's brought some fucking...
Brown.
Would you try it if, like...
Is there any situation in which you'd try a bit of heroin?
I don't think two or three days before Christmas
my wife would appreciate me doing smack.
I'm just throwing it out there.
She's pretty chilled out.
Why do you wait till...
Dan, you look really rough, and I'm like...
Do you reckon you can't have it once and then never again?
It's my Christmas as well!
See, I don't think I've got
a particularly addictive personality
so I think I could have a go at smack
and just be like,
well, that was alright.
No.
Next one.
Adam's the only person in the world
who's got tolerance for smack
and take it or leave it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
People's lives get ruined.
I'm like, I'm alright.
I'll have some coke.
I'd smash it.
I'd have heroin
and then fucking jump out
the fourth story window.
But I've had coke
and I was like, meh.
I've had weed
and I was like, meh.
I don't really get addicted to stuff.
So I'd like...
Yeah, but heroin's probably the most...
Mordish, famously.
Mordish.
Yeah, but people in your position in life
don't try heroin very much.
Exactly.
You know when people are like... Maybe if they did, exactly you know when people are like well I've tried certain things
and
you know
I don't think it'd affect me
but you've got your life together
you've got a good career
you know
you've
you've washed your pots
or did you buy new ones
you're getting it together
I threw some away
right okay
so things are
things are on the tracks for you
so I think
I think you could maybe try some of those more addictive drugs
and be like, yeah, but my life's still all right.
I think most people end up trying heroin, not just for a fuck around.
I think it's more of a like, I'm at the absolute depths of existence
and then this looks like a fun option.
When you've used alcohol, weed or whatever,
you've tried all this other stuff and
you're like oh but i need more because you're having a hard time in life that shit just drags
you even further down it's not like everyone's sound and they're like i tried heroin and two
days later i was just i'd sold my whole fucking flats worth of stuff so you think i could have it
and be sound is that what you're saying? If you've got no super addictive tendencies,
I think you probably could...
Yeah, you're definitely talking about circumstances.
Do you understand what I mean?
People have done heroin and gone,
oh, yeah, that's strong.
Fuck, I felt great.
It's not instantly like...
You know what I mean?
You're not instantly like in the co-op
stealing fucking sirloin steak.
Is that Adam Rowe? You're always chasing it, co-op stealing fucking sirloin steak. It's Adam Rowe.
You're always chasing it though, aren't you?
That feeling must be the best feeling in the world.
You want it again.
Yeah, but is it like sex?
Yeah.
You know, as soon as you've had sex, you're not like,
listen, babe, we're going again because that felt great.
For me, I'm'm like i'll see
you next year really it's not you're not instantly like wow that was so good let's real what's your
reload time adam like 30 seconds 15 minutes max reload time i can go i can go in 15 minutes
no but i mean like you've reloaded yeah i can finish again in 15 minutes. No, but I mean, like, you've reloaded. Yeah, I can finish again in 15 minutes.
You virile motherfucker.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I've got bags.
You don't call me Rory Bags.
I wish...
I wish...
I wish we didn't
associate Rory Bags
with your balls.
Well, it's everything,
isn't it?
I've got a bit of money.
I get what I want.
Like, I'm always bagging.
And I've got
fucking loads of cum. He just sounds like every every great comedian doesn't he when he says
things like that doesn't he just sound like every great comedian i've got loads of money
i've got fucking loads of cum loads of cum and that's where alternative to go around such a fuck go around
where'd you put it
mate if you've had a
glass of rioja you can't
come for about four days
so i've heard yeah
yeah no if i'm hammered
i struggle yeah but
that's everyone in it
yeah but like if i've
had like
Half a bottle of Rioja
And a couple of pints
It just takes a little bit
Longer than usual
And then it's fucking
What if you
Yeah
And what if you're sober
It takes what
Three seconds
Just like
Less time if I'm sober
It's not like
I'm not like fucking
Quitting the draw
Let's stop talking about
Your dick and your jizz
It's like sort of
Do you know what I mean though
It's not
Number 50 pumps
Count if you ain't got
None to do What's your You're pumps. Count if you ain't got none to do.
What's your...
You're not straight away, are you?
My reload...
Like, reload.
You can go again, but...
Reload, ready to go.
Probably an hour.
I don't need an hour.
No, I don't need an hour,
but, like, it's nice to sometimes just, like, go...
Yeah, I'm not, like, fucking countdown clocking it.
It's been 15 minutes, let's go again.
Well, that's what I'm talking about.
I was talking about wanting.
I wasn't talking about, like, physically what you can do. It's both, innit? You've reloaded, you minutes let's go again that's what I'm talking about I was talking about wanting I wasn't talking about like physically
what you can do
it's both of it
you've reloaded
I was like
the analogy was heroin
you do it
it's amazing
does it instantly
make you want to do it again
when you bang
a lot of the time
I'm not saying
can you
I'm saying
do you want to go
that was great
re-up
like it's not
it doesn't always work like
that to be honest sometimes i am like that yeah sometimes sometimes sometimes all right maybe all
of the time as a single man you know we'll wait and see if you meet anyone we will wait and see
and good luck good luck to you on you on you if i can find A fine woman To put up with my wares Yeah
And my
Bags of
Let's
Let's hope Santa can
Give you what you want
With his sack
Something for yours
Yeah
That would be nice wouldn't it
To me
How much is heroin
Just to try and stop talking about his dick for a bit
Like street price
Like to buy in,
or you want to buy a bit?
Do you buy a gram?
How much does one go?
There's a Coke user.
Do you buy a gram?
How much is one heroin?
The shit's a drug dealer.
Excuse me?
I'd like a heroin.
Has anyone got a smack?
I'm going to Google it when the computer wakes up.
How much is heroin?
Oh it's got
Like area
This website
Oh like right move
Yeah
Oh mate
You don't want to play
West London smack prices
No
It's a fucking nightmare
In Barnsley
How much is it in Runcorn? Like if we wanted to get A big bowl of smack now Good thinking smack prices. No. It's a fucking nightmare. So he found a pipe. In Barnsley. It was at 25 pounds.
How much is it in Runcorn?
Like, if we wanted to get
a big bowl of smack now.
Yes, good thinking.
Big bowl of smack.
I don't want to commute for smack.
No.
So the average gram is a tenner,
whereas cocaine,
the average gram is
30 to 40 pounds,
according to this website.
So heroin's cheaper than coke,
and it's meant to be better.
What?
Of course it is.
Is it?
You don't go out with the boys
and getting the fucking smack in the club not the same type of drug cocaine's the you know charlie
darlings high-end shit from i thought heroin was like meant to be you know the champagne to
cocaine's prosecco come on mate come on what i don't know why i'm getting offended apart
on the behalf of like the drug i thought heroin because it's like the fucking main gaffe.
Yeah, you obviously like rappers and stuff doing heroin.
So you thought all the Skagheads are sleeping in the Bright House doorway.
You were like, they're on the champagne of fucking drugs.
What about all those party goers?
Yeah, yeah, they're the Prosecco.
No, mate, it's cheap and nasty shit.
I thought it was because Heroin Was so fucking addictive
And bad
I thought that
Meant it was more expensive
Because it was like
The
You know what I mean
You can see my logic
Yeah
Yeah
But it's
It's
Yeah
I understand
The most expensive one here
Is £200 a gram
What is it?
What do you think it is?
Ooh
Erm
Sorry
The most expensive drug
According to this website Drugwise.org.uk The most Expense What do you think it is? Ooh. Sorry, the most expensive drug.
According to this website, drugwise.org.uk,
the most expensive drug here.
This is of 2016,
so there's probably a little bit of inflation on top of this.
Right, I don't know.
Pandemic might have fucked up, you know.
What's Brexit doing to the drug supply?
What is it? Tell us. It's methamphetamine, two and a pound per gram.
But isn't that like fucking heroin
light you don't know much about drugs isn't meth like a type of heroin no you're thinking of
methadone no that's a type of heroin isn't it that's what they put you on to wean you off in
hospital yeah yeah yeah methamphetamine is from breaking Breaking Bad. Yes. Yeah.
Yeah.
Makes you...
Blue meth.
Do you know crystal...
Crystal meth is more an American thing, isn't it?
We don't have, like, a massive crystal meth.
They always get everything before us, though.
So do you think it's coming down the line?
Yeah.
Like, the comedy circuit's ten years ahead of us.
You know, they've got to film a couple of months before we do.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So we'll have crystal meth
in a few years
totally
yeah it's going to be
huge
red white and blue
it's going to be
red white and blue
apparently pills
are quite cheap
but
not in Liverpool
used to be like
a quid a pill
didn't it for you
yeah thanks for
quoting my materials
it did
it really did
quid for the pill
what were your pills
called then
because now they've
all got like weird
names haven't they
like the shape of the
pill
oh that was back in the day so when my dad was going clubbing like mid Yeah, it really did. Quid for the pill. What were your pills called then? Because now they've all got weird names, haven't they? Like the shape of the pill.
Oh, that was back in the day.
So when my dad would go and club in mid-early 2000s,
2003, 2004, 2005, it was a pound of pill.
What are you laughing at?
What?
It's so convoluted, there's not even a way of me saying it.
It's entertaining me and that's all you need to know. It's ears,
I know.
It's when he said mid,
because you asked him
about the shapes,
I thought it was going
to be a character
from Midsommar Mid.
You genuinely,
you are disabled.
Well,
it's just,
it was usually like
a Darth Vader
or a fucking
happy smiley face
or like Mitsubishi.
It wasn't like
John Nettles
from Bergerac
mate have you got
any of them Bergeracs
nah mate
Inspector Frost
nah mate
but I've got a bag
of these just
just coming from
Somerset
Midsomer Murders
but yeah
stuff like Mitsubishis
and stuff there
I still think
is now handy
it's just a small
little imprint
yeah
always the colour
it was always the colour
that freaked me out when
someone's like you just wanted normal white pills and they were dead cheap like back in the hacienda
days you'd like you'd be out with like people in the mid 30s like late 30s and they'd be like
fuck you used to be like a tenner appeal me and you just have like you'd lick it and you'd be
going for a fortnight and then by the time we were going out, they were just cheap, but you just wanted it to be white.
And then occasionally someone would be like,
got these really good pills,
but like two quid.
And then they'd get them out
and they were like speckled and like greeny.
And they were like,
yeah, these are dead good.
I was like, well,
why do they look like a duck egg?
Fuck off.
Yeah, no, these are dead good.
I'm like, I bet they're not.
I just want it to look normal.
You'd still do it.
What would you try out of them now?
I'm a bit of a shithouse with drugs, aren't I?
Like, I honestly think if I ever try a hard drug...
Oh, shithouse, mate.
It's not like,
ah, you pussy, you haven't even done smack!
I think if I was going to try any, I'd try smack.
You'd go...
Yeah?
Yeah.
Next Patreon exclusive. Or should you have a lockdown smack in? try smack you go yeah yeah next patreon exclusive
or should we have
a lockdown smack in
smacked up lock in
just give me the terminology
and we'll roll with it
yeah
much other than
being much material
they're all monged out
no
I don't move like
it's fucking easy
I'd be like
I'll have heroin
you have
a line of coke
because you like it I'll have a gadi and line of coke because you like it
I'll have a gadi
and Carl
can have a tablet
Finn
can have
a Pepsi Max
that would be
Finn
and we'll just see how it goes
Finn's got to guard the fire exit
door
that would be
something else
I'd be
you'd be surprised
at like
you know when I come in
and I've definitely
had like a can of
energy drink
it's only slightly
up there
for me
so I'd just be
good ideas for the next
year in the podcast
I'm like man
Carl's just over there
going
do do do do
do do do
do do do
it'd be weird for Carl
because he'd be like
do you know what Adam
I love you
I love you
he's just a great mate
and that I think that would be the most disturbing thing and'd be like, do you know what, Adam? I love you. I love you. He's just a great mate and I think that would be
the most disturbing thing
and he's like
throttling at the marathon
trying to get out
the fourth floor window.
No, Adam.
Not today, kid.
Yeah.
You loved up
would be
funny to watch.
Just you complimenting him
in front of other people
would be so...
I think that happened
when I've had a baby
at a certain stage
But yeah
I'd just be
You were very
All love you
Before you were going to Japan
Weren't you
That night when we were out
With you and Paul
Yeah
He was going to miss me
I just imagine you
At a railway station
As he just
Do you know what he actually did
So he came to mine
That morning
When we were going to the
Airport
And he gave you
He gave me Adam Rowe hoodie.
So his merch to take with me.
He asked for one.
Right, okay, good.
I'm really glad you put that caveat in
because that's one of the most
like weirdly mental things.
Like, are you going away?
Here's some merch.
Should we just call it a tenner?
I'd ordered merch
like to sell at my shows.
He asked for one.
Take with him.
I didn't wear it Obviously
And then
So I got
But you took it to Japan
I got in the car
You just slept next to it
It's still in Japan
And do you know what's mad
It's in like
A Japanese
Well not a charity shop
But a second hand
It's in a second hand shop in Japan
So someone might have bought that
And some random
Has walked around with you on the top
And doesn't have a fucking clue
That's absolutely incredible
I'd love to know how far our merch has got
yeah so I got in the car
and I'm in the front seat
and he's like
see you in a bit lad
blah blah blah
and then he just went
get me a fucking passport
have the guy all the way there
and we don't have to go
obviously
what did you do that on purpose?
it was on the table
so I just picked it up and put it in my pocket
I was like this will be a laugh
I was like I wouldn't because I was waiting for him to go you gave that on purpose? It was on the table, so I just picked it up and put it in my pocket. I was like, this will be a laugh.
I was like, I wouldn't,
because I was waiting for it to go.
You gave him a hoodie with your face on it and you took his passport.
It's a good job you actually are mates.
No, but like,
because I took it thinking,
at some point you go,
right, I've got my keys,
I've got my fucking Japan stuff,
I've got my clothes.
That's my Japan stuff?
Japan stuff!
Samurai sword. I've got my clothes that's my japan samurai sword
i've got me kimono i've got me dirty schoolgirl knickers kimono dragon in my pocket i'm slapping
my pockets to feel these things got your komodo got your komodo dragon komodo dragon and a kimono
is like a nightie i think you just put Kim together there didn't you no I didn't
I said kimono
and then I said
komodo dragon
good save
I'm not sure
komodo dragons
are from Japan
they are
oh okay
well that was good
fucking schooling you
on Japan now aren't I
glad he pulls you up
I don't even know
the fucking national animal
of Japan
I love it when Carl
forgets that we're
a comedy podcast
and goes
you got a fact wrong
hey that's for YouTube comment.
Go on.
Indonesia, mate.
What?
Indonesia.
That's where they started.
So they actually colonised Indonesia,
so you can, I'll let you off.
Yeah.
That's where they started.
And then what happened?
They took us back to Japan.
And then what happened?
So I thought he'd be like,
where's my fucking passport?
And I'd be like, ah.
But he got in the car,
like, he got in the car
and was driving off
To the airport
And he hadn't gone
Got me
He hadn't done that
Yeah because
Like
It wasn't on the table
When I left
I was like
I've definitely got it
Or I said
I've got it all
It's difficult
When you're crying
In each other's arms as well
And you forget things
Fucking lad
I'm gonna miss you lad
He was about to pull off
And I went
He's like
You fucking dickhead
Oh you didn't let him drive off
No
Oh it's good banter
they missed the
very expensive flight
how much was it
well it was paid for
by the company
but I think it was
about 900 quid
yikes
one way
what brand of airline
Cathay
oh Cathay Pacific
yeah so Cathay
I've heard they're very good
yeah flew to Hong Kong
and then flew to Nagoya
it was lovely
massive
on the way back
it wasn't so nice
because you had to sleep
you had to have
a visor and a mask on
for 22 hours
oh yeah
what's that thing called
Corona
that's the one
yeah oh yeah yeah
there's a fucking bug
that's going round
there's a bug going round
oh yeah I've heard that
there's a bug
no bullshit
yeah I was tempted
to let him drive off
and then just follow them
to the airport
because then I get to be the hero, then, don't I?
He's in Manchester,
and I'm going,
me fucking team's ruins!
I can't go to fucking Japan!
I can't go!
Where's me passport?
And then I walk in like,
I stole your passport.
That doesn't make you the hero.
I followed you to Manchester.
You're like that kid who goes next to the road and goes,
save your life! Save my life. You could have just left me where the fuck. That drop kicked you the hero. I followed you too much. You're like that kid who goes next to the road and goes, ah, save your life.
Save my life.
You could have just left me where the fuck.
I would have drop kicked you so hard.
Why?
If you'd have jeopardised the very.
If you'd have kicked me,
I'd have fucking ripped your passport up.
I'd have been like,
you don't fucking get it then.
Ungrateful cunt.
That's a good job.
That didn't happen, did it?
No.
100 episodes of this bullshit.
Doing very well
thank you very much
are you allowed to draw on your passport?
yeah
what like glasses?
a little moustache
they love it
like say you've grown a moustache
since you got your picture taken
they love it
especially when you visit in America
they love that
yeah
like draw yourself some better hair oh my god that is so, that is so funny. And our comedy circuit is ten years
ahead of you guys. If you had a hair transplant, could you draw your hair on? Oh, that's a
Christmas present. Would you get one done? Fucking turkey hair. Or are you happy with
your name? Turkey hair. Yeah. Yeah, I'd go to... You'd have to get it from somewhere
else on your body. Antilia. Is it Antilia? Antalia Antalia Antalia you're on the back of your leg
don't be on your arse
there'll be some fucking
eight year old Turkish kid
walking around with a shaved head
and I'm fucking leaving
with this amazing
shiny black
they get it from your body
oh no I don't want that
I want a Turkish kid's hair
just cut someone else's hair
and stick it on
I thought that's what it meant
no
Turkey hair
they take it from you
a little eight year old boy
called Hasan
permanent wig
he paid me
in Adam Rowe merchandise
Where would
That was my Turkish accent
Hello
I'm a Turkish boy
No
Chili garlic my friend
Chili garlic
Chili garlic on it
Yeah
Chili garlic
No
All the children
Chili garlic
All the children of Turkey
Just walking around
Chili garlic
But
Where's your hairiest bit
Where are they taking your hair from
To put on your fucking fad
Gotta be your arse innit
Erm
No mate
Not honestly
You're smooth
I've been shaving people more lately
Not too
Not too bad
I think we spoke about that
There in the Patreon episode
Go and listen to it
Erm
No I'm not too bad
I think maybe
It's gotta be Piobs.
You wouldn't take your Piobs
and put them on your head?
Well, where are they going to take it from?
Is it going to come
at the back of your leg and stuff?
Piobs is a different kind of hair, isn't it?
It's wiry.
What?
I'd take any.
I haven't got any hair.
I'd take wiry over none.
Would you?
I'd rather have
an eight-year-old Turkish boy's hair.
Fucking shave that. Would you ever wear's hair i can shave that's not an
option no garlic chili then would you wear a garlic chili what would you wear a toupee no
no i'm making a living getting called a nonce do you think that's gonna help
you would take like an eight-year-old why don't you give me some of your hair? You're hairy.
Look at that.
You've got fucking thatch to spare.
I haven't put any wax in it, has I?
Because I know it's wet. Oh, it's impressive.
Your hair's getting better with age, annoyingly.
Because when I met you when you were a kid,
it looked shit.
No, it's just...
And now it's getting all, like...
It's like your glass of Rioja's maturing your bonce. He's just knowing how to look
after himself now. Yeah, yeah, fair enough.
That's it. A handsome bastard now.
Okay, good.
That glass of ryoka made you extra
fucking arrogant. Yeah, I'm beautiful.
And I can fly. Feeling confident today.
Strong, powerful, independent
black woman.
You go for it, sister.
Excited for your little crimbo
yeah
you doing the cooking
doing the cooking
for me dad and Jack
and then
gonna sit down and
watch Shrek
Christmas film innit
without being a Christmas film
with Jack and my dad
with Jack and me dad
yeah
that's the plan
feels weird
because usually at Christmas
you've just had a
like a mad run of gigs
and I haven't got that
you must have a little bit of that because you've worked quite hard.
By the end of this month I'll have done 42 gigs in December.
That is fucking mental.
That is more than the rest of the comedy circuit combined.
Holy shit.
It's been a heavy, heavy, heavy month gig-wise,
but, you know, I'm here for it.
That's why I feel almost not tuned in to Christmas properly
because usually there's that sort of exhale
as you get to December the 20th and you're like,
right, I'm done with Christmas party gigs.
We obviously had our live show on Sunday,
which was great fun, and that was an exhale,
but in a different way.
I've done two gigs in December.
It just feels like a continuation.
It doesn't feel the same as normal
like it's just
there's some of those
like we've been doing like
days where we do four or five gigs
of hot water on a Saturday
and those fourth and fifth gigs
you know you have to fucking rally for them like
we said
our new catchphrase
we've said this before
the peak is two gigs
that second gig
when you've still got a bit of the adrenaline from the first
and you go into it.
But doing four and five,
I can do it.
I'm a fucking pro.
But that fifth gig,
you are a bit like,
these words again,
in this order.
Trying to look like I give a shit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, Christmas.
You ready?
Everyone ready?
Present wise?
Mmm
Yeah
I so smashed Carl's presents
You know
Like I keep winding them up
Because we agreed
Obviously we're all getting
Each other a little
Something in the air
But we
We agreed
A 200 quid budget
And I've gone 70 quid
Over that as well
Yeah I've gone quite a bit
Over it as well Oh my god I've gone quite a bit over it as well.
Oh, my God.
Girls.
You're so romantic. I've smashed it.
I love buying Christmas presents.
And I've liaised with this beard about it as well.
Yeah.
Would you have spent less if you were seeing someone?
Have you given single-man budget to your best friend?
Well, I made the budget.
He set the budget, and I let him do that.
So I was like, you know, I'm all all right like what what do you want to spend that i was like it's gonna be 50 quid 100 and he was
like no we'll say 150 to 200 in my head i was like right 200 quid but then i got to 200 but
then there was one more thing and i was like i've got to get that so it was like 260 260 260 spend 260 on me is it a Hugo Boss record yeah 260
did you realise
what you've just done
yeah I've literally
spent 260
fucking get ready
for them threads
kid
you're gonna be
looking good
and getting into
no nightclubs
a Polish bouncer
yeah
you got Ferrari
Puma shoes
yeah I like
I like I
Yeah I think we'll probably do this forever now
We'll have a little fucking Christmas off
A little Bessie May Christmas off
Even if I have got
I feel like you've won because of the way you're talking
My gift
I'm good at buying gifts
That's how he always talks mate
He can make a cup of tea and this is how he talks
I'd fucking smash that cup of tea
I do make a good brew
He does say that
Oh Jesus Christ I do though don't i yeah what the
fuck never do cocaine there's no humility left in me like
invading fucking france your gift of me dan is great and your gift of adam is good like you've
you've done well well let me just bring it down back to comedy podcast level and say
mine are all right.
Well, I've got you one thing that's dead good
and two things that are fucking shite.
I've just got you one dead good thing.
Nice.
Nice, lads.
All right, let's have a little break.
I don't know what I've got, Carl.
Let me tell you.
No.
No.
Also, we've just spent five minutes going,
I got you a dead good thing.
I got you a good thing,
and I fucking smashed that good thing.
Let's talk about what we got next record.
Ooh, yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Nice.
Hope you have a good one, everyone.
Hope you get what you want for Crimbo.
Hope you got what you want.
This is going out after Christmas.
Let's have a little break
and then we'll have some questions.
Let's take five, boys.
All right.
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don't be a tory down your table shandy and tell a friend this is have a word uh this is from joe no second name
joe all right lids i know you've said you'd love to grow the podcast so you become a production
company too would you ever ever ever open up your own own have a word comedy club cheers joe
what before we do that what was a what does a production company involve? Because I know what it takes to produce our podcast
But I mean where do you go from there?
Like I mean
Have a word to sitcom
We all live together
In Runcorn
Yeah
And we have two girls
There's you and me
Two girls
Yeah
We call it
Two pints of Guinness
And a pack of pork chakras
No
No you've changed now
We call it
A glass of Rioja
And a big line of ching A glass of Rioja and a big line of ching.
Glass of Rioja and a big line of ching.
Is ching slang for?
Chingaling.
I think there's a lot of slang,
but I'm not sure it's one of the more famous ones.
Sounds racist.
Sounds racially insensitive.
A line of ching.
Depends how you say it.
A line of ching.
That sounds bad, doesn't it?
Yeah.
I think everyone knew that you had to do that.
I like that.
Ching!
Yeah.
Yeah.
I can't.
I'm not fucking acting.
You're not going to be acting
when we make our sitcom.
No, I mean...
So when I write my sitcom,
I'm not allowed to write you into it?
Maybe, but I'm not.
You could be the noncy neighbour. Who's playing Dan then? If he's not playing Dan? No, I don't allowed to write you into it no maybe but I'm not you could be the noncy neighbour
who's playing Dan then
if he's not playing Dan
no
I don't want to write
an actual sitcom with us
I'm not going to write a sitcom though
you could have easily
been the fucking neighbour
who's having a little
fuck of the kids
right
in a sitcom
have you got kids
in your own sitcom
not necessarily my kids
oh you've got
other people's kids
yeah
we're putting together the plot as we speak.
So in this, Adam's got someone else's kids and it's a sitcom.
What situation?
Or a hostage situation.
Involves a paedophile.
An edgy one.
I don't have a word.
A glass of Rioja and a line of Ching is going to take on some different 2.4 paedophiles.
There'll never be a scene where he actually fucks one.
But it's just like
always hinted
that he's a bit of a nonce
you know
like one of those
recurring jokes
yeah
he might
Barbara
did you leave
the fucking garden gate open
you know what he's like
yeah
you know what I mean
a sitcom
so doesn't appeal
genuinely
would you want to do a sitcom
yeah
100%
I'm going to write it,
star in it, direct it,
produce it. Oh, God, what's up with
him today? Has he had, like, a
Lemsip Extra or something?
And I'd fucking smash it, and I'd
fucking make a great cup of tea.
He cleared something out.
It's like a horny 15-year-old's
fucking Tinder bio. I'm fucking
dead good at 40.
All right, Adam.
All right.
Good God. You won't put that as well?
No.
Jesus Christ.
What's wrong with saying that?
I'd want to write it and direct it and star in it,
like Ricky Gervais does with Afterlife.
Right.
Yeah.
And what would it, loosely, what would it, what?
So basically, apart from you being fucking brilliant,
what's the general theme? There'd be this handsome comedian who all the birds fancy no god no me go on the
title character the sitcom will be called adam rowan friends right the sitcom's called adam
rowan friends you've you've called the sitcom after what famous comedians call their pre-tour live shows wowie
I don't know
yeah
my sitcom's called
beat the frog
guess where that's set
um
no it'd be called
like fucking
oh
um
alright we'll come back
to the title
don't worry about it
what's it about
so there's
oh I know there's so many ways this
is going to go and i know where it's going it's john grisham right there's a uh you know probably
in a couple years so like this early 30s stand-up comedian yeah who's uh he's you know he's trying to make his way as a comedian he's just come back from
america and he's got himself involved in has he got himself involved in with the triad the triads
i thought he might yeah i thought he might i'll play a triad you'll play yeah i want to be the
white i want to be the white triad no but like ching. Nailed it. I want to be the white triad.
No, but I think, you know, there's this lad,
and he's single recently, and he's just, you know,
he's like, oh, I'm going to play the field,
I'm going to be a dirty little manslag.
You have to really do some writing for this.
And then his friends are like, calm down, take it slow.
Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then one of his friends is like, no,
I will live vicariously through
you fuck everything that moves adam send me videos right that's the noncy neighbor you can play them
okay uh you get you get a dog right in january right i'm sorry i do are we talking about the
sitcom or are you just just your fucking diet it's just explaining just literally explaining
his life to us
I think it would be
about you know
a Liverpool fan
who lives in
you know
somewhere different
Norris Green
you know
not me
like a 29 year old
that lives in
Norris Green
erm
yeah
well that's happened
then is he a
is he a podcaster
no
a radio host
oh he's a radio host
radio host and a
er
poet
oh Jesus
and his name's Adam Rowe
no
what's his name
Rowie Banks
it's about you this innit
yeah
nobody writes poetry
you know what I mean
go on then
for example
give me a haiku
how do haikus go
It's syllables
Yeah
It's syllables
I can't do that
I can do your little limerick though
Go for it
Go
There once was a man named Adam
No
Do you think you might have Put yourself under a bit of pressure on this one
he's the best poet in the country isn't he
yeah obviously we'd have to write it
once there was a man called Billy
you had to reduce his willy
it was really big
no yeah it was really big no no no this is my profession i don't have gigs i don't do 42 gigs in a month i do two
this is what i'm living off looking across adam as he makes up a limerick about billy and his willy
once was a lad called billy and he a massive willy and it was dead big.
One that was big.
Come on.
Once was a man called Billy
and he had a too big willy.
So the doctor said,
come here, lid.
I need to cut it down a bit.
Kobe.
That was...
Jesus Christ.
Kobe Bryant.
You put yourself in that situation.
Game seven, Kobe Bryant.
What, comedy club wise...
Oh yeah, that question.
Yeah, because it's...
Yeah, you don't have to do any more rhymes, Adam.
Take a knee on that one.
Yeah, so we opened our own comedy club.
Well, you couldn't though, could you?
Because of hot water.
It doesn't have to be in Liverpool
Yeah open it in Runcorn
Make it the comedy capital of the UK
But then Tony's got
The comedy office
Speak to Tony
Get him involved
I reckon we could buy the power plant
Turn that into the comedy club
Oh my god
Or the bridge
Runcorn power plant
On the bridge
The old bridge
The fuck I'm going to knock the bridge down
If we go nah
Let us put a comedy club on it
Got two entrances there
one from Witness
one from Runcorn
fucking flying
what would we call it
and we'd be able to get it
on the cheap
because they're about
to knock it down
just be like nah
leave it up
we'll have it
100 quid
100 quid that bridge
I reckon
what would we call it
Colin Heavey's actually
got a gig
under that bridge
hasn't he
has he
yeah he's got
in the arches.
Would we call it the bridge?
The comedy club?
No.
Call it fucking Adam and Dan's Chuckle Hut.
Nice.
Nice.
I would love to...
That was the sound
of a face palm
to all the audio.
Yeah, that was Carl.
Adam and Dan's
Box of Giggles.
Have a laugh is so cheesy
isn't it
yeah
it'd be nice to do
it'd be nice to
to do a venue
but there's
so many
when you're already
working comics
you've got to find a place
where there isn't a gig
it's really tricky that
because
it's like fucking
alley cats
promoters aren't they
and more
Leicester
more so.
Bristol.
Bristol hasn't got a comedy club anymore.
Like a proper one.
I barely want to drive to Runcorn.
But we could just move to Bristol,
take the studio with us.
Yeah.
What kind of club are we having though?
Is it going to be like a basement club?
Is it going to be a big one?
Are we designing a comedy club?
300 seats in a basement.
Yeah.
It doesn't have to be in a basement. Yeah. I'm not,
it doesn't have to be
in a basement,
but as long as it's,
as long as it's,
as long as it's,
feels more naughty.
I'll build you more steps up
and then you get steps down.
That's a hot water,
didn't he,
in the original one?
Yes.
You built stairs going up
so you had to go down.
Yeah.
Did you know that?
Is that what you were referencing?
I think 300,
I think 300 is the ideal in it.
Yeah.
Sort of in the round a little bit.
Yeah.
And there's another room in the same building with 2,000
for when we do work in progress as me and Dan.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
2,000 people at work in progress.
Where would you, if I gave you right now and said,
listen, this million pounds got to be used on a comedy club,
where would you go in the country?
But would you actually? because you live in Liverpool
you want to stay in Liverpool
and we work in Runcorn
where is the
where would you put a comedy club
I'd put it in Leeds
yeah
yeah
and just do the commute
either do the commute or
Leeds is a fucking cracking city for comedy
and there's not a copper
the glee is trying to get in there, aren't they?
Yeah.
You don't have to be there either.
Like, we'd get an MC.
Yeah.
Leeds is about...
I particularly like gigging in Leeds as well.
I think they're a fucking great...
It's a good student town, that's why.
A great audience.
Yeah.
And it's one of those cities where people travel to it
from their neighbouring towns.
Oh, my God.
There is a massive list of people. For shopping gigs Huddersfield Bradford Wakefield Halifax people
they all go to Leeds it's got such a big catchment area Chester's like that as well that's why the
Laugh-In worked for a bit in Chester because people go Chester's just a very small city
but people go from all over Cheshire and North Wales. You can't sell tickets to save your life on a Wednesday.
But on a Friday and Saturday, when all the couples are going,
let's have a nice romantic weekend in Chester.
So on a weekend, it's really busy on a night out,
but when I used to live in Chester,
you'd go out for like a pint on a Wednesday night,
and it was just ghost town.
Friday and Saturday, way busier.
Right, yeah, all right, way busier. Right, yeah.
Alright, well, maybe.
Maybe one day.
Leeds, 300 seater
with a small room.
Actually, like,
100 for smaller shows.
Have a wee comedy club.
Sounds good.
Just got to get in there
before the glee.
Would you not call it that, Adam?
No, it'd have to be
Adam and Dan's Chuckle Hut.
It'd have to be.
It'd be so nice to have the money where you didn't have to be Adam and Dan's chocolate hot. It'd have to be. It'd be so nice
to have the money
where you didn't have
to take the name
seriously.
Ahmed and Dave's
laughter emporium.
The people,
they thought,
what the fuck is that?
Then they'd turn up
and the fucking
bill would be sick.
And they'd be like,
great.
Got another question?
Yeah, this is from JP.
JP!
Dear Alan and Dave,
what 18 to 30 holidays have you done?
Where's the best and what's the best story you have?
I haven't really done any.
Have I?
Have you never really done a lads holiday?
No, yeah.
We went to Berlin for Paul Smith's Stag Do,
which is a story we sort of covered when he guest co-hosted.
Those weekend breaks aren't quite the same vibe, are they?
No.
The 18 to 30s is more like, you know,
you're going to Malia or fucking...
I'm going to Ibiza in August for Paul Smith's sequel Stag Day.
I've only been to Ibiza like four times.
I've never done like Zanti or not like that.
Have you done Zanti?
Finn, how old are you?
22, 23?
Yeah.
22.
You've been on a proper boys...
It went really badly i ended up
in hospital where did you go zanti how old uh 18. is zanti corfu no no greece greece is zanti an
island yeah it's an island it's a greek island and what's the resort called is it just called zanti i
can't remember what it was wow i love lads holidays i got my puffball and i'm following the dickhead
pretty much yeah totally yeah no i ended up in hospital on a drip because not even not even you I love lads holidays I got my puffball And I'm following These dickheads Pretty much it Yeah Totally
Yeah no I ended up
In hospital on a drip
Cause not even
Not even for a good reason
But you know there's no judgement
Because that happens
To so many lads holidays
No no I wish it was
Cause I was pissed
I was shitting myself
Oh god
Like I got food poisoning
From a chicken gyro
So
So I ended up
In hospital
Lads lads lads
Yeah you built that up To be like Oh it was fucking it didn't go well i ended up on a
fucking drip from being hammered yeah i got a bit of salmonella yeah it wasn't fun one of my mates
from where i grew up was a year older than me went to the catholic high school
and uh his mum and my mum were friends and this was must have been after my mum had died she was
they were about 17 and he had
a gang of like nine or ten mates and they were thick as thieves and they went for i think two
weeks 10 days or two weeks on a lad's holiday and i saw him either the day or the day after he got
back and i've never seen a person closer to death through lad's Holiday. It was disgusting.
I think he almost had trench foot.
Like, it was horrific, the condition he came back in.
He was dirty, smelly, dehydrated, ill,
had something wrong with his foot.
Like, he'd hurt it, it had got infected,
and he'd ignored it.
He'd just drunk through it.
It was absolutely...
His mother was absolutely fucking mortified.
Took him, like, weeks to recover, and then the memory was like, his mother was absolutely fucking mortified. Took him like weeks to recover.
And then the memory is like,
it was fucking quality.
Hey Pete,
do you remember when you nearly lost your toes?
Hey,
dickhead.
I came back from Ibiza the first time with swine flu.
Swine flu?
Yeah,
remember that?
Fucking OG.
Old school,
mate.
That was the fucking original pandemic.
The OG,
mate.
I came back from fucking Mallorca with a bowler.
I came back and I thought I was just Ibiza tired.
It was like a five-day one.
And I couldn't walk.
And I was having hallucinations.
There was dogs in my bed and stuff.
And the doctor came.
My mum rang the doctor and told him,
he's like, yeah, please don't come to the hospital.
He's got swamploo.
So I was like like safe for two weeks
is that what you
is that what you
hallucinate
there's a dog
I just kept
hallucinating
there's a dog
in the bed yeah
there's a dog
in my bed
I had a dog
at the time
so it might
just be me dog
swine flu
doesn't sound
that bad does it
oh it's fucking
awful doctor
I keep seeing dogs
and you know
then touching
and stroking them
and then they go off
and have a walk with me dad.
It's really weird.
I was just an adult.
I had a fever
and then I just played Xbox
for two weeks.
I went to Benidorm
when we finished our A-levels
but there was girls on that one.
It was girls and lads.
It was just all the group of,
all the group of mates
we had at college.
So there was about seven girls and about
six of us lads it was really fun one of the girls was like a bit of an add-on to the group and she
was a bit prissy and she'd agreed to that holiday when she shouldn't agree to the holiday got there
i don't know what she thought was going to happen it was fucking benidorm it was the cheapest place
we could find we were 18 19 years old of course it was going to be nasty it's fucking benidorm. It was the cheapest place we could find. We were 18, 19 years old. Of course it was going to be nasty.
It's fucking Benidorm.
And she got there and she was like, we went out
on one night out. She had one hangover and was like,
I don't like it. I don't
like it. And I rang a mam
who paid for the flight home and she
went home on day two.
Oh my god.
And everyone was like, no, she's really,
do you know what I mean? It's her choice. It's just a bit difficult. everyone was like No she's really Do you know what I mean
It's her choice
It's just a bit difficult
I was like
She's a bellend
Like I had no sympathy
I'm like
You're a bellend
Fuck off
You're going to ruin
The rest of the holiday
Going
It's not very nice
Benidorm is it
Of course it's not
It's Benidorm
Have a Zinger Tower burger
From somewhere that isn't KFC
And grow the fuck up
Oh my god Awful Hang your head in shame We should go somewhere dirty Like Benidorm Have a Zingertower burger from somewhere that isn't KFC and grow the fuck up.
Oh, my God.
Awful.
Hang your head in shame.
We should go somewhere dirty like Benidorm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
To celebrate the birth of Dan's second child.
That's it.
Because I don't know if you know that about postpartum women.
They love it when the husbands go away to Benidorm with the lads.
Like, not just wet the baby's head.
Fucking put it in a fucking
should go to Magaluf
yes
aka Shagaskruf
Magaluf
do you reckon them
places are kind of
going to be finished
in a little bit no
no it's going to be
sound as well because
my mother-in-law's
coming to stay to look
after the baby
it's going to be
sound
yeah she's had a
c-section she can't
move anywhere so what
am I going to do just
sit around and help
I'll be in Magaluf, mate.
With the baby's fucking old body, lad.
Yes, mate.
Do you reckon they're going to be selling those resorts like that?
Like, in the coming years?
Yeah.
As soon as this vaccine's sort of a sale, that'll be.
Yeah.
Dead simple.
This new strains bullshit, Adam Rowe, 2020.
And the vaccine just sort everything out.
Next year is looking ropey.
I don't think Magaluf is your first option,
is it?
No.
I reckon.
Nightclubs aren't even open yet.
How shit would Magaluf be if it was like,
yeah,
you can go to restaurants,
but you've got to have a substantial meal
and sit apart.
Are you from the same bubble?
We're going to try and beat it in September.
Is it September?
August.
One of them. August, yeah. We're going to try and beat it in September. Is it September? August. One of them.
August, yeah.
We're going to try and beat it.
Fingers crossed for August.
Yeah.
I reckon it'll be sound by then.
I reckon we'll be fucking...
People have emailed in going,
I'm listening back to the episodes.
It's really funny listening to you
try and predict what was going on
and you're like, yep.
And it's still easy to do it
and they'll be like,
yeah, it'll be signed
by August
August is ages away
nothing can go wrong
no but it will be
signed by August
though
I'll be fucking
knee deep
in bevies
in August
in Ibiza
I reckon
well
let's hope so
yeah
we should be
I think
yeah
I think August
the vaccine will be quite
yeah yeah let's all hope so let's hope so I think, yeah. I think August, the vaccine will be quite... Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's all hope so.
Let's hope so.
I reckon we'll be all right.
Have we learned fucking nothing from the year that we've just...
I'd be surprised.
...dragged ourselves through?
If we're not, like, full-blown concerts by Valentine's Day.
Yeah.
Are you booking a venue for that, are you?
I'd go big.
Put your savings in.
You've had a big month. Rowy bags. Done 40 gigs. Put it all on a venue for that are you I'd go big put your savings in you've had a big month
row your bags
done 40 gigs
put it all on a venue
book it out
don't pay a deposit
pay the full thing
you'll be alright
tickets available
fucking never
I reckon we'll be alright
by Feb
shut up you knob
what do you mean
come on
they're giving vaccines out now
Joe Biden's had it
yeah
oh Joe Biden's gonna be there
my grandad's he's 95 he's had the first half of the vaccine the rest is in January Joe Biden's had it yeah oh Joe Biden's gonna be there my grandad's
he's 95
he's had the first
half of the vaccine
the rest is in January
Joe Biden's had it
so you've got an audience
of Joe Biden
and my 95 year old
grandad at your
fucking live concert
that'd be a great gig
all the secret service
there as well
sitcom live show
fucking bang out
the sitcom next week
make a leg of lamb
on Christmas day
sitcom boxing day
I'll start touring it
in February
I'll be on
smack my march
you sound so stupid
you don't tour a sitcom
you don't get a pay-per-view
for sitcoms
for podcasts
but
play a player
we fucking do
we won't change the game
ever will we
no I do reckon
we'll be sound
bye
shut up what do you mean how long do you think these vaccines are going to take the game here every week no I do reckon it won't be sound bye shut up
what do you mean
how long do you think
these vaccines are going to take
they must have done most
old people in the world
they're on immune
until January
not in any way
yeah
yeah but that's the first
where are you getting
your fucking news Adam
you've just heard vaccine
and gone
everyone's had it though
haven't they
everyone's had it
you've had your vaccine
Finn you've had your vaccine
you've had swine flu
you're fine.
Fucking February.
Be sat in here going,
oh, this is exciting.
Should we do another lockdown? Not the start of February,
like Valentine's Day.
Oh, sorry,
less ridiculous then.
Oh, God.
I thought you'd been a dick
about the first or second.
14th?
God,
pray the summer's
going to be a bit more normal.
Is that what Paul Smith's doing for his stag do? I'd be fine. Yeah, his the summer is going to be a bit more normal is that what Paul Smith is doing
for his
stag do
I'd be fine
his missus is going
to the same hotel
we are
four star all inclusive
hotel and I'd be fair
same time
no
for the week before
and then she leaves
the day we arrive
oh yes
oh wow
yeah
okay you don't want it
the other way around
that's the better
order that yeah
yeah yeah
definitely
so locals aren't telling tales there's going to be stories about us oh yeah she doesn't want it the other way around. That's the better of that, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. So locals aren't telling tales.
There's going to be stories about us.
Oh, yeah.
She doesn't want to know them stories.
All the Spanish locals are like,
oh, you're marrying the dirty girls?
Okay.
Yeah.
Oh, let's fingers crossed that that happens.
She's fucking beautiful, isn't she?
Nearly as beautiful as my wife.
Hi, babe.
Love you so much.
Let's call that a break Get Mr. Robert Thomas
Oh it's nice to have a proper
Proper old friend innit
A buddy's coming in
Order
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Oh, Jesus, no, you're a good egg.
Back to the pod, you beautiful libs.
From Texas to Skem, everybody is listening to the funniest podcast in the game.
It has to be Have A Word.
Hi.
Hey. Ladies and gents Have Awad. Hi. Hey.
Ladies and gents,
it's Rob Thomas.
What's happening?
What's happening?
What's happening?
How are you, lads?
I'm all right.
How are you two?
How's things?
Good.
Things are all right.
You've obviously been here.
It's weird to start a conversation
after we've had a half an hour conversation.
Because normally when the guest comes in,
we go, right,
shut the fuck up.
No one say anything.
Sit down.
We'll start. But we've just watched the COVID briefing and we go, right, shut the fuck up. No one say anything. Sit down. We'll start.
But we've just watched the COVID briefing and we're all sort of a bit fucking happy that
we're still staying in tier two.
Not a lot of comedy podcasts sit down and watch Matt Hancock for 25 minutes, who looks
like he's on the verge of tears.
Listen, I know I'm pissing everyone off.
I'm sorry.
The whole of the South's fucked.
Oh, and Cheshire.
Fuck you, 19.
We just picked the short straw backstage.
It bought us some fucking Michael Gove.
And he's like, fuck's sake!
Do you need to have a word for him?
Because everyone knows you're fucked down at the end of everything.
You might as well have gone,
and Grandad Dave, you're not going to Nando's.
It was like being Marine, wasn't it, two weeks ago?
Or watching the draw.
Are we in tier 4
are we in tier 4
really had that feel
oh space
yeah
I'm very very happy
I don't think
like I've mentally
prepared myself
for in January
no gigs
maybe not in February
do you know what I mean
I've prepared for that
but I need
these last few
I need
my secret Sunday gig
on the 27th
that nearly sold out
DM me if you want tickets
and
oh
no it's not a patron is it
oh I've done it now
and
the secret Sunday gig
that everyone's welcome at
well I'm going to be on
so
we don't tell people who's on
oh
shit
well I might be on
but yeah
but I am
I need that gig
so please
I was made up
they heard me before all i was
saying is please don't take the 27th off me because i'm having like withdrawal symptoms now
first lockdown i was sound i was like laughing at the silly cunts that were doing garden gigs
like how desperate you do what you don't need friends that's what you need fucking friends
attention seeking bastards.
You don't need attention that bad.
And then the second lockdown, November.
It hit me.
It hit me hard. I liked the garden gigs though.
They looked alright.
They looked fine,
but it's just like,
I was just a bit like,
oh yeah, I'm happy for the break.
It's all good.
You were alright.
But the thing is,
you're talking about lockdowns.
No one did a garden gig
in a lockdown, did they?
Do you know what I mean? The lockdown was March and April. Everyone was in a lockdown did they do you know what i mean the
lockdown was march and april everyone was in the garden i did one of freddy's gigs in fucking
august in a garden that was freddy do you want to do it who the fuck is that who the fuck is that
guy um oh you can do accents but it wasn't it's not the same as when it's proper lockdown and it's neg
i phoned you i spoke to you in that first lockdown and you were one of like three people i knew from
comedy who was like yeah i'm all right it's not ideal i was all right you know what you know what
it was i was like i can go for a pint me mates i haven't been for a pint on a weekend on a saturday
and that we'll be meeting he's just like this fucking great. I don't think you were truly buying into the spirits of lockdown there, Ron.
What has happened?
I've got two mates, twins.
Neither of them's got a spleen.
So, they're both builders.
You didn't give us their age or name. What do you need the age and name for?
The second bit of info was neither of them have got a spleen.
Well, that's the only thing that's COVID-related, isn't it?
Right.
Because they can't
generate it's a
panacea whatever it
is whatever the
thing the spleen does
that makes you better
the spleen makes you
better basically
does it yeah
yeah and they're
vulnerable because
they haven't got one
but they're both
builders so they
built a bar in the
back gardens and
we just spent every
weekend going to
their bars
oh my god
and then invited
potentially infectious
people into that
bar
no no because what
we do we've owned
a little bubble
because we were
very very
hey
I love the bubble bullshit
I love the bubble
bubble bullshit
is my favourite
what happens if you get
stopped on the motorways
this Christmas guys
just start saying
bubble repeatedly
childcare bubble bubble
support bubble bubble
I had a baby
so that was great
that was like
childcare bubble mate
literally
you've had a baby
haven't you
yeah
you've had a lockdown baby
you've got twins twins with no spleen a fucking Love Island style It's like childcare bubble, mate. Literally. You've had a baby, haven't you? Yeah. You've had a lockdown baby.
You've got twins with no spleen.
A fucking Love Island-style garden.
You've had a right old year, haven't you?
And a baby.
We didn't have a lockdown baby.
This annoyed me a bit because she's going to think we're a cliche.
She thinks everyone's going to think we're a cliche
having a lockdown baby.
We haven't.
We got pregnant on February the 2nd.
And I know it was February the 2nd.
Super Bowl. Rightl so I was fired
at the same time
as Patrick Mahomes
yeah
really
did you
February 2nd
back when it was
just a fucking
Chinese problem
yeah exactly
everybody had nothing
to do with us
them silly cunts
over there
did you get pregnant
after a Superbowl
because you were so happy
oh right before
you didn't wait
till 4 in the morning
when they'd won the fucking Superbowl wait you were so happy Alright before You didn't wait till Four in the morning When they'd won
The fucking Superbowl
No no basically
Because I was trying
Wait your lass up
Lad
Lad
Come on
Patrick Mahomes
Has just saved us
Get your bitch out
Let's make a baby
Get your bitch out
Have we got time
To run wasp
Come on
Because women
Who want to conceive
They love that don't they
The post Superbowl
Pissed up from your mates
Spleenless mate's garden.
No, it was Sunday daytime.
Because you know Super Bowls would start at 11 and 1.
You've got to try and find things to do to stop you getting on the ale
or getting too excited and ruining Super Bowl and falling asleep.
So what we'd done was had sex three times on a Sunday and it worked.
Three times on a Sunday?
He was in there, didn't he?
Fucking Holy Communion.
Call him Robbie Bags for nothing.
They don't. I don't.
I don't.
Everyone's going to be called
something Bags
by the end of this fucking podcast.
Remember the last time
you had sex three times in a day?
Let me just think.
You must have been doing it
multiple times when you were trying
for the second one.
Multiple times?
In a day.
A day?
Yeah.
We did it maybe once a month.
So multiple times a month.
Was the second one not planned?
Second one was planned.
And you were still only doing it once a month?
We just...
We're just...
We're not a bang fest, me and Loz.
Yeah, but you're trying now.
My bear turned into a psychopath.
The days she was... What's it called? Fangfest, me and Loz. Yeah, but you're trying, though. My bear turned into a psychopath.
The days she was, what's it called?
Ovulating.
That was it.
It was all go.
They were the hardest days of my life.
Not literally.
Not literally.
Was there any sweet talk?
No.
There was none of that.
Rob!
There was literally none of that.
It was like, we've got five days. And I was like, oh. And she's like, and you've got to stop wanking as well. I was none of that. Rob! There was literally none of that. It was like, we've got five days.
And I was like, oh.
And she's like, and you've got to stop wanking as well.
I was like, fuck.
Oh, she put a wanking ban on you?
Yeah, because she, like, my bird reads and believes.
Like, she reads something, and if it's in black and white,
she believes it.
She's not a Christian librarian.
She reads and believes it.
No, she's turned it to a Facebook mark. Right, right.
She's proper, like like so she read somewhere that
there's something
called the hand
of death or the
grip of death
which is apparently
if you wank too
much you can only
you can only jizz
off your own hand
so she told me
about this and
was like right
we're trying now
we're trying now
so you're not
wanking no more
and I was like
okay but you
obviously aren't
like you I
reckon the three
of you you two sorry
all thought the same thing
when you entered
the grip of death
I'm the only one
who can make me cum
how boss does that sound
like I would literally
I was literally like
she was like
so the grip of death means
I'm the only one
who can make me cum
I am boss
I was literally sitting there
thinking
that sounds so good
as in go for yourself
or because then you'd be
it's like getting told
you're the best at something
you're the only person
who can do that
that's all that's what we all want we all want to be like unique no I'm the best at something you're the only person who can do that that's all
that's what we all want
we all want to be like
no I'm not on board
with you there
is that not being
like desensitised
to like porn though
yeah
and like you can only
get off to like
fuck and fuck
no there's just
something she said
there are a lot of guys
normal sex isn't good
enough because you've
watched
oh yeah
apparently there's
a grip of death
just like
because you get
when you
you wank so much
you get you're so wank so much You get
You're so used to your rhythm
Oh yeah
That's like
No
If you can
No
There are guys though
Who can only sort of
They can go and go and go and go
And then they have to finish themselves
You're like
You know
That is me when I'm pissed
Right
Like when I say I can't come
When I'm hammered
Oh that's such imagery
Like I
I could
Because No because Don't look at me Like Look at me Just hold me That's the last thing Like, when I say I can't come when I'm hammered... Oh, that's such imagery. Like, I... Because, no, because, like...
Don't look at me!
Like...
Look at me!
Just 100 minutes left in your corner!
No.
What's my name?
Like, if I'm...
Wear a tennis outfit.
If I'm having sex, like, it takes me a while, do you know what I mean?
Like, I'm not fucking quick on a draw,
but I can sort myself out in less than a minute if I put...
Yeah, that's the grip of death sort of thing. You get competitive. No, but I can sort myself out in less than a minute if I put that in you get competitive
get off, you're fucking up my PB
I don't think if you're normal
normal, alright guys
but if you, I don't think you can
inflict that on yourselves
as an absolute tried and tested
20 year veteran
you can't do that to yourself.
Like, surely.
Is that the general thing of the grip of death,
which also sounds like a fucking weird,
like, karate death move?
Like, I know.
I just...
This is just what she told me.
She started me telling me no more wanking,
and then I was like,
oh, yeah, and nine days a month
we're going to be having sex.
Did you obey the ban,
or did you have a little fucking sly couple of...
Do you know a smoker who's ever just stopped like that?
Do you know what I mean?
Habits are hard to break.
Did you have a little wank patch?
No, I made...
That's what it was like.
It was a little rum in me taxi.
It was a little bit of chewy.
We've been talking about reload times.
Have you got a good reload time?
Have I got a good reload time?
I'd have reckoned this was 15 minutes.
Nah.
Depends.
Depends, though.
Reload time for what, though?
Like, when can you go again?
See, I think it's different.
I couldn't go again for sex, like, I reckon a few hours at least.
Oh, wow.
At least.
But I reckon I could have two wanks in an hour.
No, I can go again for sex in 15 minutes-ish.
You say this a lot on this pod,
because obviously you know I listen.
You talk about how much, how hard you are,
and how, like...
Yeah.
How big his dick is.
How big his dick is.
It's not what it used to be.
How much you can go a lot.
Medically reduced.
He wakes up with a stonking boner.
I'm not saying it in, like, a braggy way.
I know you're not, but it worries me.
How turned on you are all the time.
I've got a fucking crud.
You could do with a grip of death.
Why?
Just a grip of reduction in fucking life.
Not a death, just a grip of near-death experience.
It's just how it is, isn't it?
I think it definitely works
that if you are not allowed to crack one out
by your, frankly, controlling partner, I think you are not allowed to crack one out by your frankly controlling partner
um i think you definitely are gonna be you know driving down the avenue of like normal marital
relations more like if you can't sort yourself out it's gonna be more attracted to be like babe
i mean come on yeah yeah let's have this baby so i get i get the the reason in there yeah but yeah
the grip of death.
Sounds great, though, doesn't it?
I thought that sounded dead cool.
She was telling me about it, and I was there like,
that is amazing.
I love it how you've just become a dad,
and we've spent ten minutes talking about wanking and sex.
I can't believe you took that as an achievement, though.
Like, only I can make myself finish.
Would you really want that?
No, it's a curse mate
Yeah
Is it?
Yeah
There's a comedian
Who I used to live with
You'd never be able to finish inside
I know it is a curse
But surely
At some point
You understand the logic of like
The only person in the world
Who could do that
It's like being Doctor Dolittle
Except you're
Driving and talking to animals
It's so not
I'd understand if it was like
I'm the only person in the world
Who can make
me lacuna scum
but not me
I'm halfway there
it's what male porn stars
have got isn't it
that's why they can
go for ages
and then in the end
they're like
there's a comedian
I used to live with
that we're not
guessing the name of
and just leave it
has he been on this podcast
no
and he couldn't
through normal
energy and things so he'd bonk his girl and at the end he'd have to masturbate on this podcast no and he he couldn't through normal energy of sex
so he'd
he'd bonk his girl
and at the end
he'd have to masturbate
and she'd have to
lick her balls
just give her
while he was
masturbating
and it's just
for me
he was like
that's the only way
it happens
and you're like
but it sounds so
I can tell
by that voice
exactly who it is
Paul Smith
can only come on his back
it sounds so
it just sounds so
unsexual
making your girl go go on then off you go ferret round me balls come on his back It just sounds so unsexual Making your girl go
Go on then, off you go, ferret round me balls
Lay on his back
Paul Smith can only lay on his back
He has to aim over his shoulder
If he's not laid down he can't
Apparently
He's done stand-up, obviously he wouldn't mind me saying it
Can only come if he's laying on his back
I'm just a priest of any position
I'll take it vertical,
horizontal,
I'm like,
nice one,
thank you for this.
Being a dad, eh?
Nice.
Welcome to the fucking club, mate.
It's alright,
it's tiresome.
Yeah?
I'll be honest,
I kind of wish
I'd got a dog now.
It's just as hard.
It's just as hard.
No, it's not the hardness,
it's just that
he's four months old now.
If I had a dog that was four months old,
be playing footy and running around with him now,
at the moment, he still just looks at me
and doesn't know who I am.
Right.
It's a bit like, yeah, every morning, get up,
we have a wrestle.
I'm like Khabib, because he just kicks and raves,
and then I wrap his legs around one arm,
wrap his arms around the other arm,
and just squeeze until he goes to sleep.
What the fuck
and then
and then we just lie
there for two hours
and that's the only
way he sleeps
yeah you're like
Khabib
you're undefeated
I wouldn't call it
undefeated because
Rob get the baby
out of a Camorra
between the hours
of 12 and 6
he's definitely winning
it's just them last
last two hours
8 o'clock
before they have to
get up and go to bed
are you saying
on a public episode
of this podcast
that you choke your baby
to sleep every morning
no
don't choke him to sleep
but just like
get up so he can't move
and then he gives up then
and goes to sleep
wow
sounds the same
wow
it's like when you're
in the bottom of a
a pile on
and then you gotta
like get off me now I can't breathe so it's like a protection thing like he bottom of a pileon and you've got to, like,
get off me now, I can't breathe.
So it's like a protection thing?
Like he feels safe and you've lost him?
It must be.
I don't know.
I've never asked him because he won't answer me.
Is it skin to skin?
Or I have asked him, he just doesn't answer me.
No, no, it's just...
It's just the restraint manoeuvres
that the prison service use
but Rob's decided to just lay down the law really early.
No, I get up at six o'clock
and I have him from six to eight
so my wife can sleep
because she gets up with them through the night
because she's breastfeeding.
And in them two hours I've learned
if you just grab his legs,
grab his arms so he can't kick or punch you
or writhe, then he goes to sleep.
So that's what I do every morning.
Literally bang.
Just hog tie him?
Like that.
What?
Hog tie him?
Because that's when I think you start going to...
At the moment it's like a bit of a hug
It's just a bit too tight
When I start hog tying them
That's like
You're a bit of a
Sharon Matthews then aren't you
Do you know what I mean
Yeah
It's swaddling isn't it
If you wrap them up
It's just swaddling
Yeah I just do it with my arms
There you go
I can't go anywhere
Fuck it
Yeah that's all it is
Just do it with my arms
Oh mate I like it
Welcome to that fucking club
I mean I'm not like
Choke holding my daughter
But you know
You used to though Come on I don't know Fuck like Joke holding my daughter But you know Yeah you used to though
Come on
I don't know
Fuck around
There's been some ways
To get her to sleep
She's a fucking nightmare
At the moment
Because we've taught her
About consent
Laura's talking about
Consent
Because she's
Whoa whoa whoa
I was going to say
Nice and early
But we know who her dad is
Whoa whoa whoa
Let me explain it
Because
Let me explain it
Because Laura's worried about
Like in ten years' time,
about, like, dirty little fucking horny lads.
Like...
So, the whole thing now, isn't it, about consent?
I'm sorry, Dan, but you go on all the time about,
why have I got this reputation for being a nonce
or dirty grandad, Dan?
And you're currently telling a story
that your own wife is shitting herself
over what men
her daughter might meet
she's three
nearly four
so it's like
about owning her own body
and stuff
that kind of stuff
she just doesn't want
a lad
pushing
basically
as we all know
lads
we've all been there
like no no
come on come on
but Laura's gone
Laura's done that same thing
that your missus has done
about the fucking grip of death.
She's read something on Facebook
about consent
and it's like,
it's really important that Etta knows
that it's her body and her choice.
And so she's taught
a three and a half year old
that no means no.
Does Etta really need
a 10 year run up at that?
No.
She absolutely fucking doesn't
because she's now
using it
in day to day things
so I'm like
Etta brush your teeth
and she's like
no
and I'm like
Etta
it's time to brush your teeth
and she's like
no means no
you're like
you little rat
my body my choice
my body my choice
it's not sexual assault
it's dental hygiene
your breath fucking stinks
and this is the brutal one
it happens all the time
and i know why laura's tried to teach this i get it because one of my big fears is fucking horny
handsy little 14 year olds in a few years time but it's brutal with the three-year-old because
she's like whenever she doesn't want you to do so if you're tickling she's like no means no and
you're like oh fuck and then she goes yes means yes it's the weird she's like
and you're like
she doesn't know
what she's doing
she's just like
I don't want you
to tickle me anymore
alright
tickle me anymore
but she's making it
way more layered
she doesn't realise
she's talking about consent
so I'm like
alright we're not
playing this game anymore
and fuck off
that is genuinely
it's not a bad thing
to learn is it
no
in a pure way
it's not
Adam tune back into the pod.
I feel better that I just told my lad a little bit too tight now.
Dan's stuck to a weird place.
Can't have your daughter saying yes means yes at three years old.
Especially the way you said it.
I know.
That's the joke.
It's just meant to be funny, you fucking pack of twats.
You're not meant to be in your hoodie going,
Oh, yeah!
It's just a fucking bit, innit?
You absolute bellends.
Oh, my God.
It's harrowing.
I understand, Dan, really.
I wouldn't be messing.
It is a weird thing, though,
when it wants you to come out of bed.
Oh, I'm the dickhead all of a sudden, yeah?
He chokes his baby to sleep
and he's teaching his daughter
about sexual consent
at three years of age,
but for some reason, I'm the knobhead.
Wow.
Somehow you've ended up the knobhead.
The aggressive tone you've taken as well makes me understand
why he's having to teach his daughter no means no at three years old.
What lessons are you going to teach your children at an early age, Adam?
Karate.
Karate. Karate. I didn't mean literally. I meant like morally. Oh. teach your children at an early age Adam erm karate karate
karate
I didn't mean literally
I meant like morally
oh
no
you don't need any morals
when you're free
you don't do you
that's my toy
fucking leave it alone
that's my toy
roundhouse kick
so no
no er
just selfishness straight away
no generosity
that's my toy
yeah
that's my toy
that's my toy
I don't have to share
my toy with you
if I don't want to
fuck off
leave me toys
round off
is this what you're
saying to your
three year old
it literally
that's exactly
what I thought
that's my PS7
I thought that was
Adam teaching
his three year old
to stay away
from his collection
of toys
that's the
I haven't got
any of my own
fuck off they're collectibles they're fucking Pokemon stay away from this collection of toys. Daddy, I haven't got any of my own. Fuck off!
They're collectibles.
They're fucking Pokemon.
You don't even get them.
Daddy, can I play with your elephants?
No.
No.
No means no.
I'm going to teach my kids, you know,
like, that their stuff is theirs.
And if other kids want to use them,
then they have to ask nicely
and they don't always have to say yes.
That's kind of similar to what he's teaching us it is yeah
that is
it's a very not more three year old way to do it
but that
is the most obvious statement in the world
like that's like
so you've got some toys
and if you don't want to share them
you don't have to
that's not
you've not like changed the game
I'm not saying that
Carl asked me what I'm going to teach them
I'm not trying to change the game
I'm just trying to raise little rowdy bags that thing you going to teach them I'm not trying to change the game I'm just trying to
raise little rowdy bags
that thing you're
trying to teach as well
that's already
innate in the child
they know that's their toys
and they don't want
anyone to play with them
but they need to be
respectful with it
as well
do you know what I mean
do you know what I've
really enjoyed
watching Etta just
work out the social
sort of thing
of being like
I'm not arsed
it's just a really
weird thing to watch because you think
kids are just like yay play with anyone but i can tell when she's not keen on someone and you think
all kids are like yeah i just want to play but as soon as she's not arsed and she doesn't know how
to like process it yeah but you can see she's like oh i like you she's not saying it but when
they're playing around the playground and one kid wants to play with her she's not into it you can tell she's
already got that first
stage she's like
yeah you're a bit of a
cunt
like it's not
nothing's being said
there's no nastiness
but she's like
yeah I don't know
what's going on here
but I'm not fucking
into it
I love watching it
going go on
she is annoying
go and fuck off
and play on the other
side of the playground
get in
I like it
are you on the playground
I feel like you're
idolising my freedom
are you on the playground
yeah
well he's not allowed on playgrounds we know he's standing watching so yeah I like it. Are you on the playground? Yeah. I feel like you're idolising my freedom. Are you on the playground? Yeah.
Well, he's not allowed on playgrounds.
We know he's standing watching.
So, yeah.
Where would you like me to be in this situation?
In your car.
In a helicopter.
In a helicopter.
Good.
Am I on the playground?
Nah, just leave her and fuck off.
Yeah, that's another great thing to teach your daughter.
Just fucking sort yourself out. Yeah. don't worry about it yeah yeah then she'll become a strong independent woman right
yeah then that consent game might fucking work out quite well you know because i left her in a
public park and fucked off home to watch mandalorian i think you meant school playground because when
you say playground in my head i go to yeah playground to me is right there's been some weird miscommunication in this one aren't there i just meant the fucking playground at the
park you were like are you there yeah carl yeah i tend to when i'm in sole charge of my daughter
not fuck off why why did you leave her on the park well because we're doing a podcast and i
get called nonce loads and i just thought there might be a listener or someone who watches the
youtube and be like should you be on the park
mate? So I just leave her there.
What would you do, right?
Because obviously this podcast is becoming
more and more popular. Like, for anyone
who hasn't seen the pay-per-view, this
has gone out after it's expired anyway, but
obviously we waxed Brennan
Rees' arsehole live on the
pay-per-view.
Three people the next day at cheshire oaks
asked him how his arse was like just three random people so this podcast is being seen if you were
at the park with etta surrounded by other families with children that you don't know and one of our
listeners went fucking dave the nonce in it and then just fucked off how would you handle that
situation are you prepared for it i i it would be brutal it would be
brutal and i would find it very funny but i would pray to fucking christ that i wasn't in the park
with laura and etta like if it's just my three-year-old she's gonna fucking miss it she's
just wandering around and i can just take the hit of like, yep, our listeners, our fans are fucking lunatics.
But if Laura
sees me getting called
a nonce in a playground
and then she has to deal
with the fact that
she's there with the nonce
as all the other parents
are like,
what's happening?
Why did that person
shout nonce?
And surely it's not going
to be one of the other parents.
It's going to be a drive-by.
It's going to be
some little rat
on a mountain bike
going,
Dave the nonce!
Thanks for listening.
Make sure to sign up
patreon.com
slash have a word pod.
That's before Dan reacts.
He's going to be going,
oh Dan,
what level,
what level patron?
Are you a ten pounder?
Yeah, nice one.
But if Laura's there,
that's going to ruin
the afternoon.
I can fucking tell you
that's going to be
a brutal one.
How old is Etta
going to be
before you let her there do her own thing? Like, old is etta going to be before you'll let her there
do her own thing like when will she be allowed to go to park with her mates without you
you got that in your head have you got it you've got it you've got to give them some leeway
otherwise you're just going to end up with a little liar you just don't want to know
i know you're asking me mine's only four months i all are still relatively new to me but you're not
do you not project forward and think,
I don't want to be one of those parents that pretends they've got a little angel
and is like, you're not doing this, you're not doing that,
and you're not going there.
Because kids, if they want to do, yeah, the same as us,
we'll just lie.
I just lied through my teeth to her.
Laura said the same.
She was like, yeah, mum said don't go there with them
and you're not allowed to do this.
And so they just made up elaborate lies and got other kids' mums to cover for them. Laura said the same. She was like, yeah, mum said don't go there with them and you're not allowed to do this.
And so they just made up elaborate lies and got other kids' mums to cover for them.
Yeah, oh yeah, she's here.
Just lied.
And I don't want a kid...
Obviously, you've got to hope that she's not fucking mental,
but I don't want a kid being like,
yeah, dad, I'm going to Evensong at church
and then going off to some fucking dogging site. I think you've got to give a little bit of leeway why did you go to that spectrum
well you know just sexual just some sexual time just why not getting bladded in a park why go
sexual when did this comedy podcast become like literally like what why did you try and be funny with doggy it turns into news night
all of a sudden
I want my kids by the time
they're seven
to be making their own tea
or cup of tea
or literally
tea
dinner
yeah
at least once a week
they have to give it a crack
and at least once a month
you'll have to get a new kitchen
because they've burnt the cunt down
no I'll monitor them
I'll be there
I'll put a camera in
I'll sit in my fucking
my CCTV thing upstairs
watch them
making sure they're alright
if it sets anything on fire
I'll be ready to
right
so just to check
I'm the nonce
but he set up CCTV
all around the house
where's dad
he's in his lair
camera three
camera four why aren't why aren't your kids friends allowed around to your house Adam Where's dad? He's in his lair. Camera three. Camera four.
Why aren't your kids' friends allowed around to your house, Adam?
I think it might be the lair.
Because the camera's shy.
The camera's just in the kitchen.
And it's only used when they're cooking.
Right.
Good, good.
It's like attached to the clicker thing.
It sets off the gas ring.
Your idea of independence is as long as they can make their own tea
yeah
it's not independence
it's just you know
getting them ready for life
I also gonna teach them
about like
you don't make your own tea
I do
you know the chip
you're like every other night
you don't make your own tea
and you're like
I want my kids to make
my own tea
you're fine
I fucking lost weight
this year mate
you know what I mean
I used to though
no but like
I don't want them to
grow up like me
I had no money skills
they're going to be going
to debt lessons
when they're like six
are we back
because I had no money skills
can you believe it
you know what I mean
sorted now though
I want to teach them life skills
because you don't learn
life skills in school
so they're going to learn
to cook when they're seven
by the time they're eight
I want them to be lending
their friends money
but like
at a rate of interest
fucking hell
how much
like they'll go
oh it's three quid
I want 360 back
yeah
it's what every parent wants
Rob's the same
you want your child
to be a money launderer
by at least year five
20% APR
it's normal for me
totally
right
right lad
I'm knocking on
don't get your mum
I've come for the buzz light year
give me the fucking buzz light year
you knew
you knew
when I lent you the money
what are you putting up
against this chomp lad
you can have the chomp
what are you putting up
against it
where's your collateral
that's what I want
I want them to you know
be wheeling and dealing
figuring out how to make money
you know
using the money they've got to make more money.
£3 becomes £3.60.
£3.60 becomes £4.32.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
It makes sense, doesn't it?
When does selling drugs come into that?
It feels like it's a natural progression.
They can just go on to selling sweets on the out of school.
I'll get me all their DVD printing
stuff out
give them that
you know
by the time you have kids
that won't be an issue anymore
you won't need to sell
sweets on the yard
at school
why?
it should be like
everyone just have
Amazon on the phone
that'll drop sweets off
in like 10 minutes
nah it doesn't work
like that lad
it doesn't work
some things are there
forever
selling on the yard
at school is one of them
fucking love Amazon.
Bring it on.
If Amazon start being able to drone deliver pick and mix,
my diabetes is getting locked in for the next two years.
Like, definitely.
Have you ever used Amazon Prime now?
Is that the one where it delivers within an hour?
Yeah.
No, we've, I don't think.
If they can start doing that in Cheshire, I'm well impressed.
Yeah.
I've sent flowers within an hour.
When I've had murder.
Isn't that Amazon's dream, isn't it?
To have hubs everywhere.
Yeah.
And then you can get, it's not just literally next day,
it's next hour delivery, but for everything in the warehouse.
Yeah.
It's boss, isn't it?
Imagine that.
I want a fucking remote control helicopter.
There it is.
I haven't bought a Christmas present in a shop this year
for the first time
ever
like these
these have been
shopping loads
for each other
and fucking
doing the family
Christmas shop
and everything
and I haven't been
in a
I haven't done
any of the
Christmas shopping
we've been to town
a couple of times
and just had a little
wander around
maybe got a bath bomb
from a niece and nephew
from Lush
like little bits
but I've not done
like the classic
how old is your niece and nephew
five and ten
and you got them
a bath bomb
yeah
for the girls
for a five year old
they love bath bombs
that's crazy
I get bath bombs
for like my aunties
why is that crazy
they do
they like bath bombs
why are you laughing
I'm laughing
because I thought
you were going to
turn it sexual
going why are you
getting kids
why are you getting
kids stuff for a bath
Dan
I thought you were going to go weird are you, why are you getting kids stuff for the bath, Dan? I thought you were going to go weird.
Are you in the bath?
Are you in the bath?
That's where I thought you were going with it.
That's why I was laughing.
I'm not in the bath.
Thanks, Carl.
Cheers.
Are you in the school bath?
No, they do little bath bombs.
I can understand why kids are like a bath bomb.
They do little robot bath bombs and you put them in and like a rainbow comes off them.
The Scouse Bird shop does them as well
oh really
there's toys you can get
and inside
remember like a kinder egg
yeah
but it's a bath bomb
so you put it in the bath
and the toy comes out
in the bath
sick
okay yeah
do you know what
I pulled you up on it
you've explained yourself
no worries mate
I'm feeling a little bit
spiky from the level of
nonce accusation
I've suffered
it's been heavy
a lot of it was
self inflicted
I'll give you that
but I was getting
a bit spiky there
because I was like
I'm not having to
defend myself on bath bombs
yeah
I am with you on that
and I feel like
that's been very nonce heavy
and I feel like
I want to apologise
myself Dan
because what's happened
is I'm a fan of the pod
and I've come in
with pre-knowledge
of you being
a nonce joke
and gone heavy on it
straight away
mate Rob
on the live show on Sunday night one of the biggest round of applause he got was basically going yeah because he's a nonce joke and gone heavy on it straight away. Mate, Rob, on the live show on Sunday night,
one of the biggest round of applause he got
was basically going,
yeah, because he's a nonce,
and everyone went,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
It was their very end of the podcast, wasn't it?
It was fucking brutal.
Take it from Dan, kids.
It was when you had to end,
because it was like,
oh, we can't end anymore.
Mate, I'm so tempted to get him
a little rainbow bath bomb for Christmas.
I'd fucking, I'd love a bath bomb,
but I don't think I did when I was five.
Back then, I was just fucking voezying and don't think I did when I was five. Back then,
I was just fucking Vosey and fucking.
You're a working class lad from Liverpool.
Bath bombs are a very,
I don't remember bath bombs when I was a kid.
Yeah.
Bath bomb,
bath bomb technology has really come on.
I used to be a massive bath guy,
but I haven't had a bath in six years.
What happened,
Rob?
Well,
this,
what happened was,
we moved into a new build
and the bath they give you
is basically a bidet
and it's literally
my bath is smaller
than this couch
so I tried to get a bath once
and was like
well this is fucking pointless
isn't it
and I've no other baths
and now
it's basically you
and a glass of water
so now I just look at it
and it's just an ornament
in my house
that teases me every day
going
look at you
you fat cunt
you can't get in me anymore
but it saves on hot water bills doesn't it if it's just a little bit of water and then you squidging with
it i put it either legs or body you can get the choice like so it's either legs and in the bath
or my body's in the bath my legs up the wall it's like what which one do you want it's horrible
yeah i used to love a bath as well a bath's nice but it's just a bit of faff in it shower feels
more efficient You're in
You're out
You're done
How's it faff
I get a bath more often
Than I get a shower
Really
I would
You just can't be arsed
I got a bath before I went out last night
I had a little bath
And then I get a shower
As I get out the bath
Just to rinse yourself off
That's mad
I haven't had a shower for years
Don't call them rowey bags
I haven't had a shower for years
I haven't had a bath for years
I bath with
Other people
But I've never Oh hello I years. I bath with other people,
but I've never... Oh, hello.
I don't get me a bath.
Are they fucking kids, lad?
Do you know them?
Where'd you get them from?
The fucking playground?
Just trying to help you.
Cheers, mate.
Just trying to help me
by spreading the accusation.
Instead of just easing off me,
just start calling other people.
Yeah, no, I love a bath.
You get a nice little soak.
You get all wrinkly you know
it's not that sexy though
is it
am I the only one
why is it gotta be sexy
I'm just
just cause he said
with other people
oh sorry
sorry
no it is sexy
we just have to be
is a bath with other people
no
dead sexy
cause I've never lived
in a house
with a bath big enough
that you can be like
it's basically
oh no it's not
someone's got
bath sex is amazing
you can toe fuck them
I don't think you've ever had it I don't think that, it's not. Have sex is amazing, you can toe-fuck them.
I don't think you've ever had it. I don't think that's, like, exclusive to baths, though, you know, if you want to toe-fuck someone, just
toe-fuck them. You don't toe-fuck someone on a shit bath.
I think you've got to, talking about consent, I think you've got to ask first.
Can you give me the schematics of this?
Toe means toe. What's the schematics mean?
Like...
Mate, can I just say,
that's what, that's, they don't call him
Rowie, no shit. What's the schematics mean?
I want to know, like, the positioning of the people and the layout of the... So, you, like, you've just say, that's what, they don't call him Rowie. What does schematics mean? I want to know the positioning of the people and the layout of them.
So you've normally got, hopefully, a lady.
Right, for starters, before we carry on,
when did you have sex in a bath?
I've never had sex in a bath.
Yeah, because water is not a lute.
Just bang that bell down.
This is the thing that annoys me.
That bell is underutilised.
Yeah, but I'd get a sore finger.
No, I have had sex in a bath before.
But you could toe fuck them.
We had sex in a bath
and then there was no walls left by the end, really.
Do you think they want you to, though?
A lady in question.
Are they thinking getting in this bath?
Was that an idea?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Which toe?
Did you start with a little one?
No, I didn't toe fuck her.
I'm saying you could toe fuck her.
Is that like,
there's that toe fucking floor.
You sit opposite ends, don't you?
And your legs are sort of intertwined
And you could just bend your knee a bit
And then just fucking go for it
Yeah
My point was
That is not sexy
But Adam's like
Yo girls love a toe fuck
Where did you go
You have to make sure
You have to make sure
You've clipped your nails though
I've seen Katie Price's sex tape
And she gets toe fucked in that
So
There you go
You might be onto something
You know we just went on it
Do you start with a little toe
And then build up
How do you toe fuck someone Do you have to like to something you know we just went on do you start with a little toe and then build up how do you toe fuck so much
you have to like turn it sideways
no you just like
can't you individually
control your toes
yeah you just get one toe up
and you just like
nub it in
it's just your big toe
can you individually
control your big toe
yeah
yeah so you just put your
other toes to like the side
and then you just
oh I can't make my toes sideways
it's like you're thumbing it in
you can make your toes sideways
no you just put
no I'm saying
I hope everyone's had a lovely Christmas.
Your toe just gets pushed in.
I've never done it.
I've never needed to...
I don't understand why...
You can fuck in the bath, though.
You can, like, do missionary,
but the water does splash out.
Water's not a loo.
How big's the bath, though?
How big's the bath?
I've never been in a bath big enough
that I've thought...
Yeah, you'd need like a swim.
I got asked to do it.
Exactly.
Rob and his missus
in the kids end
with a lifeguard like
oh
Jesus
like I got asked to do it
by
a lady
and
you are so fucking mysterious
with your ladies
she doesn't sound like a lady
you know
innit
he's got
I'm looking forward to the new year
where we have a bit more clarity
from rowdy bags because it's such a little a web of like a lady, you know. Innie, he's got... I'm looking forward to the new year where we have a bit more clarity from rowdy bags
because it's such a little web of like,
a lady.
No, this wasn't recent.
A lady.
There haven't been any recent ones.
No, there have not.
Can you give me a number?
No, we have to wait six months.
We all know that.
This wasn't one of the three relationships.
It was a one night stand.
Hold on.
Are we still not so fucking... Are we talking about bath sex now? Bath banging. Yeah, bath sex and a one night stand Hold on Are we still so much Are we still not so fucking
Are we talking about
Bath sex now
Bath banging
Yeah bath sex
And a one night stand
Yeah but if you go to a hotel
That'd be
No it was
It was someone I'd seen
A few
A couple of times
But it never became serious
And one night we were in there
She was like
Should we get a bath
And I was like
Sound
She was like
Will you fuck me in the bath
And I went yeah
I don't think that happened
Did I
It was a John Gnisham
So it's just
I think
he's lost in his own bullshit yeah he is why would I make this up she just asked just matter of fact
how hot was the bath oh like
yeah I just like so what do you do when you're waiting For the bath to fill Like I was just going And like With everything
Was you having foreplay
While you're waiting
For the bath to fill
Or was like
Was you just standing
Like talking
Like how was your day gone
It had a door in it
So we had to sit in
And wait for it to fill
It had a door in it
It didn't
How old was she
Press the bell mate
No it didn't have a door in it
But like
We got in
And then we just
You know
Did you get in one at a time
Or both the same time
I can't really remember
Probably one at a time
And we were fucking going
But every time
I smashed into it
The bathroom flooded
Like half the water
Had gone up the bath
So in the end
We were essentially
Just fucking
Fucking in a puddle
Was it in your house
It's all over
It was in his
It's all over the shop
It's at SeaWorld.
Fuck Shamu.
So you flooded someone's bathroom, yeah?
I think he's toe-banged an orca.
I have.
A different story.
I really want to know who this person is now.
Anyway, congratulations on being a dad is what we were trying to say.
It's good. It's tiring, isn't it? It is tiring. I cried to an know what this person is now. Anyway, congratulations on being a dad is what we were trying to say. It's good.
It's tiring, isn't it?
Tiring.
It is tiring.
I cried to an Instagram reel this morning.
That's how tiring it is.
Oh.
Just like that.
Does it mess with the emotions?
Oh, mate, it's just the tiredness, literally.
It was an Instagram reel as well about a postal service worker in Virginia
whose street decided to come out and press car horns
and clap for him because he'd worked
through the pandemic and he was crying
I saw him cry and just
started welling up and I was like
what the fuck's going on? I didn't even
leave the house when we all clapped for the NHS
I didn't acknowledge that happened
but there's a postal worker in Virginia
on Instagram, I had one little tear
and I've had three hours sleep and went,
you're a big softie really, aren't you?
So fucking special.
Our listeners might not necessarily know this,
but certainly on Facebook,
amongst the comedian community,
you're sort of known as a bit of a abrasive bastard.
Oh, you are a wind-up.
An absolute dick-swinging bully cunt.
I wouldn't say I'm a bully
no but like
you
you
you project that vibe of
I'm fucking Rob Thomas lads
and I'll fucking
no
this is how I feel
about all of this
and you can all fuck off
but deep
no
you know what
it's shit
that shit
everyone's shit
I'm fucking bossing everything shit
and then on the slide
you're dead sound
and you'll just send someone a message
like really enjoyed your thing that you put on you won't read you won't like quote tweets and shit and then on the slide you're dead sound and you'll just send someone a message like really enjoyed your thing
that you put up
you won't read
you won't like
quote tweet it
going this is boss this
you'll retweet it
with no comment
and then you get the comments
and your DM's like
it's good that lad
yeah
I'm not going to tell anyone
I think it's good
but I'll let you know
I think it's good
well I just think it's funny
that's alright
but you're a nice guy deep down
but you project this image of
I don't project the image
that's just who I am
that's what I find funny
I like being abrasive.
I think it's quite funny.
Well, Rob,
you can show them
this lovely image
by giving them the gifts
you've brought along.
All right, Carl.
Thanks.
I was thinking to myself,
I'm going to segue these gifts.
What are you here for?
That's literally Carl.
Carl's bringing it up
because he thinks I was lying
before the podcast.
I said I didn't get you anything.
It's fine.
And I wasn't lying.
I haven't got you nothing.
It's absolutely fine.
But you've got me and Dan a gift.
I've got you and
Dan a gift.
Hey, Johnny Bongo
brought us a gift.
Rob's brought us a
gift.
Every other guest
needs to fucking
book their ideas.
I mean, John
brought us
celebrations.
What you
reckon it is?
Oh yeah, did
John May bring
celebrations?
John May brought
us celebrations as
well.
On your first.
Now you had a lot
of stick on this
podcast.
You had a lot of
stick on this
podcast.
And I think you played second fiddle to Adam a lot. Which I don't you had a lot of stick on this podcast and I think you played
second fiddle to Adam a lot
which I don't think
you should remember
who you are Dan
you pioneered comedy
back in the day
and you did things
you're one of the best comics
this is freaking me out
you want
because I've
I've been dealing with him
on the internet
and now this is genuinely
making me think like
oh my god is this like
a court order
you know because you were
you were one of the best comics
in the Northwest
and you still are
and you should...
That started out as a compliment
and then...
And you should really
went really true, didn't you?
I was like,
that should have been an insult.
One of the best comics
from your road.
You was,
you was.
You were in the country
and I think you should,
you should,
you should play up to that
rather than play yourself down.
No, I don't.
So,
I remember
when you were going live
in New Zealand
and you're selling
them and I got one off you and you wrote on it you fucking lid now we're doing it
ironically whereas now you do it financially you pretend to be scouts
let's be honest you're doing it now because you want any more money but I
saved it I put in a frame and I thought all especially on the wall you should
have you know one up now and again oh mate that's very kind that's very kind
just to accept
do you know what Rob
that is a genuinely
that's lovely
I love that we were doing the lid thing
do you remember when we
do you remember when we started
really banging the lid thing
and we were talking about the show
was it
did you actually do a show called
Lid in La Vida Loca
he did yeah
do you know what I called that name
me
that name
it was him
I called the name.
And I thought to myself, that's fucking stupid, that.
And he went, I'm going to call me show.
That's fucking false.
We were in a car share.
We'd gone to do some shit gig in the middle of nowhere.
I was like, I'm going to try and do an hour at Hot Water.
And he was like, what are you going to call it?
And I was like, I don't know.
I want to lean into the Scouse thing.
And he was like, do you like a parody?
No, you were going to call it Live and Live You the Loker.
And I said, call it Lid and Lovita Loka
I think that's when
I started to really like you guys
this is about 6-7 years ago
innit
I think I was like
these
these
these
like
because you're a bit younger than me
I was like
I think these lads are alright
anyone who calls the show
or comes up with it
Lid and Lovita Loka
you used to say that
in your house to Danny
didn't you all the time oh mate we used to love it I remember you ripping the shit out of it when You used to say that In your house to Danny Didn't you all the time
Oh mate we used to love it
I remember you ripping
The shit out of it
When I used to see you on stage
When
When
When was this do you think
Is this about five
Six years ago
I reckon it might even
When was it in New Zealand
It'll say on the side
2014
It says on the side of the frame
2014
Look on the sleeve
It's got John Cooper artwork
On the sleeve
The sleeve of your own
I thought you said the frame
The sleeve Does it not say in the corner No but it was 2014 So probably The year after that it's got John Cooper artwork on the sleeve the sleeve of your own I thought you said the frame the sleeve
does it not say in the corner
no but it was 2014
so probably
the year after that
I felt it
I felt it on the gift
thank you mate
for you
okay
Mackey's
because I know what you get like
when you don't have one
is that Mackey's
what is it
it's a McDonald's breakfast
what is it though
is it
yeah because we get to Cobbon
if he doesn't get a McDonald's
I don't want Scouse
Scouse Twitter coming for me
at the end of the show when did you buy this no it was meant to be Is that he? Yeah, because he gets a Cobbon if he doesn't get a McDonald's. I don't want Scouse Twitter coming for me.
When did you buy this?
No, it was meant to be at Machi's breakfast,
but I got there at one minute past eleven,
so they wouldn't give me it.
So I got you a double cheeseburger and six chicken nuggets.
Oh, you bastard.
Thanks a lot.
Appreciate it.
Merry Christmas.
That was meant to wind him up,
and he's just gone Machi's breakfast.
Nah, mate.
Nah, no, no.
I've got one more. You're too late on that
This is
You could have just done yourself a favour
And said this is for Carl
This is feeling Christmassy now
Oh look at that
Oh mate
Oh he's upside down
That's so sick
Oh man
Oh he's done all right
He's fucking nailed this
That's how you
Brennan reaches his arse
And you two Absolutely made up to see fucking nailed this. That's how you... Brennan reaches his arse, and you two,
absolutely made up to see it.
Do you know,
that's so funny,
because when someone
showed us that picture,
you two showed it to us,
didn't you, Finn?
And I was like,
that needs framing.
Well, now it does.
That is fucking tremendous.
Can someone take this off me now?
Because I'm not telling them
we like this the whole show.
Let's have a little break.
Finish these chicken nuggets. Not one chicken nuggets yeah go on then i'm so glad this is a christmas one because it feels particularly
mental right let's have a break yeah from texas to skim everybody is listening to the funniest
podcast in the game It has to be
Have a word
That song just constantly in your head because of that photo
Someone sang it before
Who sang it?
No, you sang it and I went
That's from Superbad, isn't it?
And you went, yeah, it's from when he sings
Oh right, I thought someone else had sung it
You put it in your own head
I love doing that with Laura
Any song
And it just goes in
Fucking great fun
You can sing anything
I'm going down now baby
You're straight in a rain suit
I could get her with that
In about
I think that would take 15 seconds
She's like
I've got a question here from Jack
Just Jack
No second name
Jacko
Alright Lyd's got a question for you
What do you guys think about comedians Who have come out as overtly political Jack. Just Jack, no second name. Jack O. Alright, Lyd's got a question for you.
What do you guys think about comedians who have come out as overtly political?
Particularly those on the right, like Leo Kearse, Jeff Norcott.
I saw the study saying the most comedians in the BBC were overly left.
What are your thoughts?
Nice one. Love the pod.
They are.
Yeah, it's a very liberal industry, isn't it?
It is, yeah. But it's because it's very, very, like...
The UK TV comedy scene is very political.
Certainly mock the week.
It's a political comedy show, really.
And, you know, there's been a long line of political comedy shows in the UK.
I certainly think so.
And it's so much easier to be a left-wing comedian because it's easy to call someone a
cunt and make it funny like for being selfish or whatever it's very difficult to well it can be
difficult to be like right wing and be like oh these lefties just want to make sure everyone's
fed and watered aren't they shit it's hard it's it's quite hard to make that work as a joke i think
jeff norcross is fucking brilliant i think he's dead dead dead dead good leo case is dead dead
dead dead good i don't necessarily agree with 10 of what either of them believe but they're dead
good comics and and they're not faking it they are they're conservatives aren't they yes like they're just
they're just their politics leans a little to the right they okay this voter for corbin there's so
few there's so few there's so few left right sorry right leaning comedians that even if just one or
two of them come out and say i'm not a left-wing liberal, they stand out. And then the sad thing is that a lot of
the lefties in comedy go,
oh, well, that's a bit alt-right.
And you're like, no, they're not extremists.
They're not fascists. They're just not
centrist left-wing comedians.
I think that BBC thing's wrong, though,
when it says, oh, it's very overtly left
sort of thing, because to me,
I don't think that many comedians
are overtly left. It's just that
the comedians that are overtly left are very loud about it so it makes everyone else seem
but i think most comedians are probably left-leaning you're working i think most people in the arts
are left-leaning you're working on the job that's like it's about entertainment you're like
straight away if you're a comedian you're choosing a life of like freedom and a gig sort of life it's
it's less personal responsibility and it's personal responsibility really, it's up to you
to go out and earn the money
but it's more about
you have to have a certain appreciating
of freedom and looking out
I don't even know where you're going
but the arts traditionally
have not been a bastion of
Tories in the right way
you're not massively business thinking are you
so you tend to have the kind of brain that is a bit more
Liberal
Being pessimistic which I'm not
I'm not saying, it's a fucking good career move
Like if you aren't
It's the most random thing
If you're a white middle class
British comedian
If you want to stand out as different
And you go that way You go slightly right leaning a white middle class British comedian if you want to stand out as different and you
and you go that way
you go slightly
right leaning
all of a sudden
you stand out
like Jeff Norcott
has made the joke
by being right wing
he's essentially
a minority
and he gets put on things
because it's like
well he's one of the
very few comedians
that's right wing
I think one of the things
with it though as well
you've got to be good
so if you're going to be
a comedian,
because what Adam's saying
about TV and political,
Geoff Norcott,
he's a very good comedian.
Leo Kearse,
very good comedian.
Andrew Lawrence,
very good comedian
but he'd come out
as political
and the party was like,
this doesn't suit
what you're doing.
Whereas Geoff Norcott
and Leo Kearse,
they've always talked about
politics to an extent.
Andrew Lawrence
never really did,
did he?
And then he'd come out really right wing and everyone was like oh look at him he's
being audible and he's like is he or is he just it's quite interesting this week though isn't it
that something that andrew lawrence said which was misinterpreted at the time uh is now the
forefront of a conversation in comedy because what when andrew lawrence so for those who don't know
what went on a few years ago there's a comic called andrew lawrence who a lot of you will know of because
he did a lot of tv shows he's on live at the apollo and he essentially came out with uh it
that he sort of identified with some of ukip's policies for example thought that the fact that
you know ukip were winning a lot of votes and that the tv industry were ignoring it and like
still calling ukip voters idiots when a large part of the country
when I was supporting that party, he felt like you're overlooking
a huge portion of the population here.
And he also said there's a lot of problems with comedy on TV,
diversity quotas.
That was his biggest one, wasn't it?
Women on TV.
No, what he said was panel shows are full of women
posing as comedians
and what
and what people
took that as
that choice of language
what people took that as
is what he's saying is
women can't be comics
not what he meant
what he meant was
stop putting
Claudia Winkleman
on 8 out of 10 cats
when there are
female comics
yeah
that's what he meant
and now this week
the same people who hate Andrew Lawrence
are going, fucking big fat quiz
of the year. There's two women on it and neither of them are comedians.
Why aren't you booking any female
comedians? It's the exact same thing he was talking
about really. Look, I don't agree
with 10% of what Andrew Lawrence
said. I really, really, really don't.
But that thing,
what he was lambasted for a few years ago,
the same people who scolded him,
the Twitter angry mob are now going,
why are they putting these women posing as comedians
when there's female comedians out there?
He went early and he went harsh.
It's not what Leo Kers and Jeff Norcott do.
They just basically, like,
they say, this is the funny bit about it.
Jeff Satori he I think
Andrew Lawrence started a very difficult conversation which resonated in a in an
uncomfortable way with a lot of comedians yeah because there has been a lot of griping in the
last 10 years from British acts like like the circuit for better or worse,
probably not for better,
is male dominated.
And the TV industry,
especially the BBC,
because it's paid for by license fee payers,
has a different set of standards.
It's not just a business with a businessman going,
well, like hot water can do,
go, we're a business.
We just want people who smash it.
Couldn't give a fuck about quotas.
The BBC do give a fuck about quotas the bbc do give a fuck
about quotas and it has developed some resentment within the circuit because it all of a sudden
doesn't feel like a meritocracy yeah but it doesn't have to be a meritocracy everything is
right for the vessel that it's being booked for the bbc and those panel shows have an agenda and
it isn't like olympic qualifying like i've said before
it's not just all the funniest acts because if it was it would be mick ferry glenn wool adam rowe
and that's how the panel would look and he said certain things well i'm just being honest he said
certain things that on the face of it were unpalatable on twitter they looked angry they
looked misogynistic and the and the worst of it
for me as a as a liberal comic there's a few things that made me go but i kind of see the
point i think the problem was when he said them as well he said them what like four or five years
ago now i think it might be even a little bit longer than that when he when he said them this
wasn't a thing was it us three sitting here on a podcast wasn't a thing so when
he was saying a lot i think a lot of the people who are probably sitting there going well how else
am i going to get a break sort of thing how else am i like people who he might have been on about
like even like certain because he said certain female comedians shouldn't be on there he didn't
just mean poser comedians he was like people who haven't earned the chops are being put on
because they want tick boxes and that was happening
but that was because they didn't have
any other way to get the profile that they've got now
whereas you look at someone like Kiri and Rachel
Rachel's not done
loads of TV, done bits, Kiri
done bits, they've got a massive profile
for being
having a great podcast, there's different ways
out there now for people who are decent
to get their name out where there wasn't before.
And him saying,
well, he shouldn't be on there full stop,
I think got a lot of people's backs.
It was like,
well done,
surely we deserve some way of getting on there
because otherwise,
how are we going to be able to get on there
and how is there going to be
female representation on these things?
Yeah.
Well, that's something
that's largely overlooked, isn't it?
Like,
I'm in several WhatsApp groups
with comedians
and everyone has a little bitch.
It's a bitchy industry in all honesty.
People talk about these things.
You'll see the new line-up on Mock the Week
and someone will go,
how the fuck is he on it?
Or how the fuck is she on it?
She's just on Tick and a Box.
She's just on...
But really, when we're talking about representation,
there's always going to be a period where,
and I hope no one takes this the wrong way
where there is a quality drop
off in favour of representation
because
in an industry dominated by
straight white males
when you're watching the TV industry of that
as a straight white male
you are watching the telly and seeing yourself
represented and going oh he's like me
like the two acts that made me want to do stand up with kevin bridges and jason manford
because i was like they're just two working class lads who dead young when they started
this is possible for me and the the argument in favor of uh positive discrimination positive
discrimination for diverse purposes is is so that like if you're an Asian girl
you should see an Asian girl on TV
doing comedy
because then you can go
oh it's possible for people
who are like me as well
I can't see it
I can't be it
because there's not been
that many Asian girls
who've done comedy
you're not necessarily
going to get a club killer
who's done it for 20 years
but you do have to go
right there's an Asian girl doing comedy
who's not terrible.
She's all right.
And we don't have anyone else.
So we'll put her on for now
and hope that the next generation,
there's like 10 Asian girls.
Lots of people who are doing comedy.
There might be one who's not good enough.
And then the next time there's 30 to pick from.
And three of them are fucking killers.
You know what's brutal?
When you watch some of these shows
and they do get an older comic,
they're not always fucking great. They're not always fucking great.
They're not always great.
Sometimes I watch these TV shows
and you've got a younger woman on or someone,
and you're like, it looks like a breath of fresh air
because sometimes the jaded old comic
isn't as great as you'd think they'd be.
Sometimes, like, I get the discrimination thing.
It was an uncomfortable moment, I think, as a comic,
where you're like, this is, on the face of it, abhorrent,
but it's not just...
The reason I think it provokes such a reaction
is because it wasn't just hate for the sake of it.
It was founded in some truth. I think it seemed targeted a bit as well, is because it wasn't just hate for the sake of it.
It was founded in some truth. It seemed targeted a bit as well,
because he was commenting after shows and stuff, wasn't he?
Or he was highlighting people he shouldn't like,
or even stuff.
Oh, his head well and truly fell off.
Yeah, that's when it got weird.
His head didn't well and truly fall off
when he made the statement, really.
It was accompanied by the
reaction to it because he went i think this and an entire industry went fuck off fuck you none of us
want anything to do with you ever again yeah and then what happens a lot of the time with stuff
like that is they have to double down on what people thought they were saying yeah it's happened
to comics who shall not be named who've essentially been called
oh you're a bit mental
you're a bit
conspiracy theorist
and I remember
a certain comic
that I really won't name
when he first started
going down that
he was like
I'm not a conspiracy theorist
but there's just
a lot of things
we need to have a look at here
and he was being
quite sensible.
He was like
you know
this is a problem
this is a problem
why is no one talking
about it?
You're going
okay
I sort of see what you're saying, actually.
Why is no one looking into that?
And now it's Bill Gates wants to know where my cat is at all times,
and that's why we're all getting this fucking vaccine.
And it's like, it's because we put these people
who don't necessarily have the opinion of the majority of the industry
and say, oh, you're one of them.
And then they're only accepted by people like that it's like who are you talking
about the extremist the the yeah right so if you go right they're disregarded as i'm i'm right
leaning well the left definitely and look we've said a few times i think that's i think it's human
nature but those and then the problem is the telly plays into that.
That's human nature in the sense that
remember when we were starting up
and we'd go and people would say to us,
you're not having two scouts on the bill?
Yeah.
Because the era scouts accents and go,
it seems like you're going to talk about the same things,
two scouts on the bill,
we're not having you on the bill,
even though we could be talking about
completely different things.
I was, what, five years older than you,
so a different stage of my life.
But people go, we're not having two scouts on the bill.
And it's the same with like, how many black...
Can I just, it's probably a very valid point,
but it sounds like you've gone, as a scouse white lad,
I have suffered racism at the hands of promoters.
Yeah, I have completely.
No, but it is the one, it's the same as that.
That's not really what I was talking about though.
I know, but what I'm saying is that's human nature
that the telly
then plays into
by doing it
yeah just before
I lose my point
though like what
happens is
because we're in
a left leaning
industry and I'm
a very very very
left leaning person
that's who I am
and I always will be
I hate every
policy and
ideology of the
Tories
I'm a left leaning
person the left definitely has a problem with if you're not exactly like us every policy and ideology of the Tories. I'm a left-leaning person.
The left definitely has a problem with,
if you're not exactly like us, go fuck yourself.
There's no room for sort of diversity of opinion on the left.
It's binary.
It's we think this.
If you think that, then you're with them.
And when you get someone who's centre or centre-right
or centre-left and not quite left enough for the comedy industry,
what happens is,
even if they're just slightly left of centre,
they go, well, I actually think this.
And a lot of people go, no, fuck you.
But then people on the right go, I see what you mean.
And then they eventually slowly end up centre-right
and then right and then alt-right.
Someone who's centre-left can end up far right
because the left reject them
immediately.
Hal Cruttenden's been going on
about it on Twitter.
He's getting absolutely hounded
by Corbyn supporters
because he's a centrist.
He's a centre,
like,
like an old Blairite
sort of labour,
like,
to a,
to a Corbynite leftist,
that's like the worst thing ever.
Oh,
you're just as bad as them.
You're like,
no,
no,
that's not fair it's you're
basically pigeonholing and it does it doesn't help the argument it makes it too simplified
and it and it makes the job of the right easier because then they're like cool keep pushing all
these people towards us and we'll keep winning elections right doesn't have that problem and it
really doesn't people on the right are far more likely to go i disagree
about that but don't worry about it see i think do you reckon yeah i think the right in terms of
brexit did it feel like that that they were really like leave remain did that well put it this way
the conservative party when it came to brexit was split half of them campaigned for brexit and half of them campaigned to remain and that party
is nowhere near as fractured as labor who campaigned entirely to remain but that's also
the nature of politics in it that whoever's in power and then the the opposition's got to
reorder itself 10 years ago 15 years ago it was reversed labor had power and yeah it's you get that unity with
power but but just culturally there is a heavy-handedness with the left and and this is
talking about twitter we're talking about the media television it's very like well of course
we're right we're we're we're leftists we're liberals so we're nice people and anyone that
doesn't agree with us must be basically
a fucking fascist, that's the
vibe isn't it, like if you're not with us
you're not just right
leaning, you're a problem
I think people forget that being nice is subjective
what's nice to you is not nice
to me and people completely forget that
they're just like, no I'm a nice person
I do all these things, people are just like
yeah but you think you're helping
but you might not be
helping that cause
and by not helping
that cause
you're not being nice
anymore
and all they can get
in there is
I'm helping
I'm being nice
are you though
and that's what
you've come here
to say Rob
just be nice
just be nice
so it takes you
over an hour
to reload your comm
yeah
and we're back
it got weird that
went ski with, have we got something else
this is from Helen
do you have any weird superstitions
a lot of performers and athletes have
lucky items or rituals before
hitting the stage, do you buy into
any of it? well superstitions
and rituals are different things
superstitions, I am a things yeah but like things you do
superstitions
I am a little bit superstitious
because my mum was
so I fucking wave at magpies
and I'll only walk on two grids
you know what I mean
the two grids
I'm not walking on three grids
I say hello to the one magpie
if there's two
leave them alone
because you've already got your good luck there
is it just habit
or do you actually think
that's not
I'm going to fucking
if I'm driving and I see a magpie
I'm like
what's happening Mr Magpie yeah it's five or six times a journey yeah my sister's just
been given a fucking lot of magpies on your road i feel like they're following me because they're
like testing me to make sure i don't get any bad luck that's gone from superstition to full blow
there's a magpie conspiracy always fucking around there's a lot more magpies now than there used
to be certainly in my life my sister's got her c-section date and she's been given the 13th and
she's trying like fuck to get out of it it's weird like she's not particularly superstitious
but because with a c-section they get you get told when you're having a baby you know the birthday
she's like i just don't want it not the 13. So it's weird how it does click in with people.
I would say I've got none,
but then I have at the match, haven't I?
You've been the match with me.
And we were at the match.
There was someone who's taller in front of Adam.
And obviously I'm taller than Adam.
So I was like, swap seats.
And I was like, don't like swapping seats.
Okay.
Liverpool can see to the goal.
Right, get fucking back, you.
Get back.
Swap seats.
That's your fucking fault.
When I go to a match, it tends to be with Rob.
Now, like I've got a few people I can sort of ask if they've got a spare ticket or whatever,
but it's normally when Rob's brother can't go.
Like, I'll go with Rob, and the guy
who stands in front of Rob's brother
is, like, 6'3", and the one
who stands in front of Rob is a dwarf.
So I was like, Rob, can we just swap so I can
actually see the fucking match? And he was like,
no, not doing it. And I was like, I can't see
the game. And he went, I'm superstitious. Swap. And, yeah, we can see it. and he was like no not doing it and I was like I can't see the game and he went
I'm superstitious
swap
and yeah we can
see it and he was
like no we've
got to go back
and I had to
just like
but that's the
only place I'm
like that's like
nah nah
can you back it
up or is it just
a gut feeling
he's not like
do you know what
when we swapped
seats 14 times
in Istanbul
sometimes I do
think Salah's looking going is he in his right seat when we swapped seats 14 times in Istanbul sometimes sometimes sometimes I do think
Salah's looking going
is he in his right seat
he looks to
he looks to
before he shoots
and then to Rob Thomas
well you don't want to
blame something do you
because if you lose
you'll be like
I wonder if I sat in that seat
we didn't fucking lose
you don't want to give it
a chance do you
exactly yeah
just in case
it must be murder
following a shit team
as you move your way round the stadium.
What's it like being a Watford fan?
Fucking nightmare.
I wouldn't know, Dan.
Oh, sorry, yeah.
What about for form, though?
Have any of you got any superstitions or rituals?
You didn't used to like getting paid
before you went under, did you?
Yeah, it's a weird thing.
Andrew Maxwell changed all of that for me
by just going, what a load of
fucking bollocks
and I was like
you're cool
yeah I've always thought
give me the money
because if I'm shit
I'm getting off
yeah
but that's the thing
is that comics
don't get paid
before the gig
because that'll like
mess with the comedy gods
yeah but what have you
shit then
but as soon as you
see one cool comic
go shut up
you're like
oh yeah shut up
what did he do
I got the money for the gig beforehand.
The promoter wasn't there.
I was on with another comic who was like, did the thing.
Yeah.
And it's just because, same as the magpie,
same as the walking over two, three grids.
Is it, you can't walk over three?
You can't walk over one or three.
You have to walk over two.
He's done.
He's tired.
No, I'm all right.
He's had a late night.
He's had a late night he's had a late night
Rob
I'm still about four
playing FIFA
and basically
comics just
comics just do that thing
of like
oh well if you're doing it
I want to seem like a comic
and Andrew Maxwell
went give me the fucking money
I went
do you mind being paid
before the gig
he's like
I'll take the fucking money
I can eat my dinner on stage
I'll have the money
in this pocket
and every big laugh
I'll move 20 pounds over from that pocket
to this pocket
and I know he was taking a piss
but I was like
I will never be a good guy
did he do it though?
did he take a note out?
no
I was sort of watching for him
I've been told this story
third hand
that literally every time he did a joke
no he did it
it's the Chinese whispers of the comedy circuit
do you know Andrew Maxwell
was the first comic
I'd ever seen
slag another comic off
on stage
in my first year of comedy
got involved in it
in Newcastle
and I was taking in
all the things
like the superstitions
and all of that stuff
I was like
because you're just like
a sponge for it
I just want to be a comedian
and I want to talk
like a comedian
I just want to see you
you just say the same shit oh yeah Pat Mon monahan overruns it's all the same just to make you seem
like a comic and there is like an unwritten rule isn't there that you're not really meant to slag
off another uh act on the bill on stage in front of the crowd yeah and he walked on there was a guy
called jeff who didn't last much longer he was like a semi-pro, just trying to break through from paid 15s
into sort of proper work.
Andrew Maxwell had never worked with him before,
and I'm pretty sure never worked with him again.
And Jeff fucked off in the break after having a really difficult one.
I was comparing, and Andrew Maxwell started his set
by just slagging him off for about six minutes.
And as a young comic at the back like the crowd
what the fuck was that what the fuck and this guy had he used to have a thing about looking
like the milky bar kid and uh and he had a milky bar and got it out as a prop
what the fuck got a fucking milky bar in your pocket?
Now, this is a long time ago.
And Jeff, I saw Jeff have good gigs.
I don't know.
He might still be around.
He was a really nice bloke.
But Andrew Maxwell was the first comic who'd been like,
I'd seen him be like, I don't give a fuck about the rules.
But to just see him go, who the fuck has a fucking milky bar in the fucking pocket?
And I was at the back going, oh, this is a bit naughty.
You've got to have some confidence there.
I loved it.
But yeah, since then, she's like, what is the point of believing you can have a bad gig?
You know if you're good.
Just do the fucking gig.
Yeah, the thing with the money for me is more, I'm not the opposite.
I'm taking the money because if I have a bad gig, I am not asking for my money.
I want my money in my money. I want my money.
Do you get this in your pocket
because I feel cheeky going.
If you've had a bad gig,
you don't want to go over and go,
can I have that fucking
£220 there?
Brutal.
For that fucking big dump
I've just took on your stage.
I always think like a tradesman,
like,
imagine you're trading
and the wall's fucking
on its way down going,
yeah,
you still owe me like
£400 for that wall
that's about to fall over
so,
can I have that now?
And you're like,
you're just sticking in and you're like you're just thinking
no no no
I always think like that
so I always think
now I'll have the money now
I'll have a tag on my arse
I'm going straight to
have you ever not invoiced
for a gig
because it's gone that badly
yeah yeah yeah
I've walked
no
I've walked
I've walked and just gone
there's no way
I'd rather
I'd rather walk away
without the cash
than have to deal
with the humiliating
moment where you're like
can I have that money
and they're like
what for that
exactly
get the money
in your pocket
see what happens
if I died loads
if I had a history
of dying on my hook
maybe I'd have
a tougher skin for it
but when you're used
to doing well
there's a sort of
yeah
but there's sort of like
you're almost like
a little bit shocked that you've had a bad one
you know when you're like oh yeah yeah oh i'm quite good at this so i just the one i remember
particularly was in chester for an afternoon corporate and i just wore i just didn't even
say goodbye i was like it was so bad it was i watered and i it was at the abode hotel it was
one it was when the woman just leaned in as I was dining and went
do you want to let us just finish our dinner
oh
like a naughty kid
and she didn't do it to be cunty
to show off to her fucking mate
she was just like this is so dreadful
not trying to embarrass you but do you just want to leave
and I was like oh god
so I just walked I didn't even ask for the money
is that your worst ever gig
definitely I think up there what are yours oh god so I just walked I didn't even I didn't even ask for the money is that your worst ever gig definitely
I think up there
what are yours
oh my god
I can't think of one
I ever went that bad
my way
I fucking
I'm just
struggling to remember
anything that wasn't amazing
it is a struggle
to be honest
you know me
Danny
you can live a poo
so just fucking get on
it's happening
everyone cheers
from the rest of the
you were in a bit of shit
for about six months
that way yeah
all my bad gigs
all my bad gigs
from when I started
which is when you're
meant to have bad gigs
anyway
so when someone goes
what was your worst gig
it's like well
I was about six months in
what was meant to be shit
and the problem is
all my bad gigs
that I remember
are ones that people
come to
and they're thinking now
why did I ever ask people to come to a gig or why why did i say yes when they said can we come and see
you're excited and you want to be like i'm doing this thing because when it's like now i don't
think you're going to be doing it for 15 20 years you don't think oh in 10 years i'll still be doing
it and then i'll be good in your head you're like i'm giving stand-up a go do you want to come and
have a watch yeah but and now the same people who saw you when you were six months in,
I've never seen you since.
And you're like, in my head, it wrecks my head
because I'm sitting there going, come see me now.
Come see me now because I will tear the roof off it.
And you just know they're sitting there thinking,
you're so shit, you.
You in Liverpool, I've seen you, like,
absolutely hoof it, mate.
It's a beautiful thing to see.
You're, the cocaine nana story,
which I'm not obviously,
fuck me.
I've like,
oh, Rob Thomas is in the middle.
In my head, I'm like,
Rob's great,
but I'm closing after it.
And then halfway through that story,
got that awkward thing of like,
oh God,
I don't think I've seen this bit in Liverpool.
That slightly sweaty neck
thing of going I'm going to really have to
did my nana have any involvement in cocaine
that bit was
that bit probably taught me the most in comedy
of like you know
different rooms and stuff because when you first go
and you say like a sponge and you say shit
that you don't even understand like oh yeah
got to learn to read the room
you're sitting there thinking,
I have seen you do the same set every time in every room.
So how are you reading the room?
Like, a good comic, though.
I read the same.
Not someone disrespectful, but like,
so either you're illiterate or, like, this is all bullshit. And then you realise what they mean.
Because that joke, I can tell that joke
to a middle-class audience, to a working-class audience, and it's got to be told completely different. If can tell that joke to a middle class audience to a working class audience
and it's got to be told
completely different
if I tell that joke
in Chester
I've got to be
tend to be horrified
by what's happened
in that joke
but if I'm in Liverpool
I just say it as it is
because everyone's just like
yeah
because that's what's happened
it's like
whereas in Chester
I've got to go
disgusted now isn't it
isn't that terrible
isn't that terrible
really in the back of my head
I'm going
just fucking life mate that is yeah that is now, isn't it? Isn't that terrible? Isn't that terrible? You're reading the back of my head, I'm going,
it's just fucking life, mate.
That is, yeah, that is a skill, isn't it?
It's not a different set.
It's just a slightly different angle to get into it. Yeah, it's got to make them believe that you're one of them.
At the Edinburgh Festival, it's just a slightly wordier,
little bit more time on the ball.
Here's some more context.
Yeah, and then a really rough sort of Saturday night in Manchester.
You were like, here's no context.
Yeah.
Right, before we go.
Oh, no, we're going to have a word first.
Oh, we got it.
I wanted to, would you rather?
Oh, go on.
Have you brought a would you rather?
Oh, go on.
Right.
This is my favourite would you rather ever.
Would you rather have ten grand
every time you suck someone off
or suck someone off once
and be given a hundred grand
can I just
keep the fucking
four grand in my bank
and not suck any dicks
no no you've got
there's ten grand
every time you suck someone off
you're never allowed
to just go
no
can I be the same person?
No it's got to be a different person every time
So you've got to do it
You've got to do one or the other
You've got to do one or the other
You can either
You can either have a hundred grand
But with each one
You have to suck at least one dick
It's got to be a new dick
So for every
You get ten grand every time you suck a new dick
Or you get a hundred grand for the one dick
So you've got to be at 11 dicks to be in profit?
Yeah.
I'm having a busy summer.
You're looking like that,
but how quick would you suck 11 dicks?
Within a day, you could have 110 grand.
I love it how everyone's looking at me going,
Danny, have you got a time frame on that?
No, but like, with the 10 grand one,
can I take that option and then just suck no dicks?
No, you've got to suck a dick.
You've got to suck at least one. Yeah, but you're getting 100 grandicks you've got to suck a dick gotta suck at least one yeah well you're getting 100 grand you gotta suck that dick or you're dying or you'll go
we'll give you 10 grand every time you suck a dick you're not getting out of this question pick one
so but if i take the 10 grand one i could suck one dick and then never suck another dick again
yeah right but it's gotta be at least you get 100 grand for that? Yeah, but he just said...
You can never do it again.
But he said if I take the option of 10 grand...
Yeah, go ahead.
If you take the option of 10 grand, suck one dick, get 10 grand,
and then never use that power ever again.
Yeah.
Do you know what I'd do?
I'd suck one dick, get the 10 grand,
fly somewhere fucking miles away,
and just suck dick for an entire summer.
Yeah.
And come back an absolute...
But the other thing...
Carl, Carl, do you know you're in a different country? You know you're still sucking all those dicks. Yeah, but no one knows me. miles away and just suck dick for an entire summer and come back and absolutely Carl
do you know
you're in a different country
you know you're still
sucking all those dicks
yeah but no one knows
just because you're
in Malta
you're going to remember
all of that horrible
I'd go to Bangkok
and suck all the ladyboy dicks
yeah
you go to Bangkok
that's fine then
yeah then I'm
you really look to me like
Dan
I've cracked it
I'm Mr Adam
I farm the cheese
I farm the cheese Mr Adam I'm a cheese I'm a cheese
Mr Adam
usually you pay me
but
you're paying Grant
no but I'd rather
I'd rather
suck a lady
but you're definitely
like yours
do you know what I mean
they're fit
so Dan
he's got a point
also it'd be brutal
you sucking my dick
when I'm like
when are we doing
the Patreon record
this week
this week
Dan if you chose
£10 up
£10 a pop
would you stay
in your area
I'll fix the commute
I'll fix the commute
I'll tell you right now
I'm telling you
if you all go down
the £10 route
you'll do it once
he will do it once
and then be like
that was the worst
fucking thing ever
and then you've just
got £10
Dan
I suck me own dick?
No.
Can you suck your own dick?
Can you?
I'll do a Madeline Manson,
get me fucking ribs out.
Mate, I think you need to ignore
those fucking Maccies that he throws at you
if you want to suck your own.
I think I'd take the,
I think I'd go to Thailand,
take the 100 grand one-off.
Would you?
Why are you going to Thailand for the one-off?
Because,
Go round the corner.
Because I can.
You've just offered me a hundred...
He's clever, to a point.
You've just offered me a hundred grand.
I'll go to Thailand, get a really pretty one.
Like, Mr. Dan, Mr. Dan.
So you want a ladyboy as well?
A big suitcase for you.
A hundred.
A hundred thousand.
I don't get it, because once you've done it once...
Exactly.
This is the thing you're thinking.
You're thinking it's going to be the worst thing in the world.
I think once you've done it once, you'll be like,
I've sucked it. No, no, no, no, no. That is the thing you're thinking. You're thinking it's going to be the worst thing in the world. I think once you've done it once you'll be like, I've sucked at this.
No, no, no, no, no.
That is absolutely not true.
It's noshing men off, not Pringles.
It's not like ruining your diet.
Once you pop, honestly, honestly.
I was just going to throw one dick but...
So you both take the under-G's?
Yeah, I take one. Do G's Yeah I'd take one
Do you know what I'd take genuinely
I'd take the 10 grand one
Intending to just do it once
Take me 10 grand
And then I just know
Do you know like you're a cabbie
My dad used to be a taxi driver
And he was always like
Good thing about being a taxi driver is
If you need 20 quid you can always go out and get it
So I'd use my dick power for that If need 20 quid you can always go out and get it yeah right
so I'd use my dick power for that
if you need 10 grand
you can always go and get it
whenever I need it
for a rainy day
I would say
I would do the same
I would take the 10 grand
I'd do 10 cocks in a day
and then I'd always have it
in my back pocket
I'd stay in my back
I'd just do the one
I'd do it for the entire year
somewhere mad like
Cambodia or something
where no one knows me
and I'd be coming back
like fucking
100 mil
how are you getting that
through customs
100 mil
do you know what
someone do the maths
that's 10 million dicks
10 olympics
no it's not
it's not
fucking hell lad
do you know who did
the maths
10 olympics
yeah
that'd be a 10 and a go
yeah
I reckon actually
without even the hypothetical
you could probably get that
what is it?
someone do the maths
it's a thousand
it's a thousand dicks
I'd suck a thousand
you wouldn't suck a thousand dicks
out of a hundred mil
sorry
so it's a summer
how many days in a summer?
so what a thousand dicks
90 days in a summer
isn't it
90 days in a summer
it's one a day
and you're going to have to
you're going to have to
do like 13 a day there
you're going to have to
do a few doubles
fine
13 a day
just do it from like 9 till midnight?
No, 9 till midnight.
Go out and look at my clothes.
Well, you enjoyed coming back with your big house
and that awful PTSD.
No.
And then I paid that amount.
You're obsessed with it.
Why do you think it's going to be the worst thing in the world?
Too strange.
I'm really homophobic.
Yeah.
You'd have still sucked a dick.
And you don't know,
and jeez,
I'll have sucked a dick, yeah,
just loads of them.
And I'd be a fucking multi-multi-millionaire.
No, I'm taking the cabbie route. I'll have sucked a dick, yeah, just loads of them, and I'll be a fucking multi-multi-millionaire. No,
I'm taking the cabbie,
I just suck one dick,
10 grand,
nice today,
and then do it on 10 grand again?
Okay,
get your fucking rabble.
Wouldn't it be amazing
if just Rob just got 10 grand out
and went,
well lads,
you know Brennan got his arse shaved,
let's end this fucking episode 100.
Oh no,
I'd want fucking 15 to do his.
Right?
I don't know lad,
Rob,
it doesn't look like it's going to smell nice
would you rather have
50 pounds every morning
or a blowjob
we've asked this
me
yeah so every morning
your dream lady
comes in and gives you
do I ever get a blowjob again
yeah
but you get a
but I choose 50 quid
I still get blowjobs
yeah
but you get it off
your dream lady
every day
like you're fucking
aren't they married
to me dream lady
oh he's nailed it
that's how you play
the game
but I would take
the money yeah
£14,000 a year
exactly yeah
£50 under your
pillow
it's like you're
fucking
it's like the
tooth fairy works
for the mafia
yeah
like it
you have to
you have to
yeah Adam takes
the blowy
yeah
but you take the
blowy you can't ever be with
another partner again
right
because you're cheating on her
every day
no they're fine with it
no they're fine with it
oh they're fine with it
yeah
I was honest
you didn't set the stipulation
but does it have to be
the same woman
all the time
yeah it's your dream woman though
yeah
aside from me
my dream woman changes
so like at the moment
it might be like Margot Robbie
five years ago it was like someone else and it might be like Margot Robbie five years ago
it was like
someone else
and I don't want
Margot Robbie
when she's 50
it changes
I want to be
if I'm 50
I don't want
Margot Robbie
when she's 60
it changes
can I ask
can I ask Rob a
question from this
week's Patreon
because I just
want to feel like
get a bit of
back up because
neither of you
backed me up
you both said
I was a dickhead
go on
if I gave you
an envelope
and I said
in there
there's several
pictures
oh god how did I how did an envelope and I said in there there's several pictures oh god
how did I
how did I not know
no
I agreed with you
I said I'd open it
I need to know now anyway
several pictures
of the Queen's fanny
yeah
would you look at them
obviously
how have we had
one of the most
like politically charged
15 minutes of this podcast
for months
and the rest
has been utter
filthy nonsense
would you not
look at the
Queen's Panty
I don't
I don't
I don't think
I don't think
it's going to be
as amazing
as you think
it's going to be
it's not the
amazing
it's just the
fact that you've
seen something
that very few
people have ever
seen
no one's going
to believe you
Rob what happens
if someone gave
you an envelope
and inside
was an erect
picture of Prince Charles's dick yeah of course i'd be honest
if someone right it's not gonna reflect well i'd be more tempted to have a look at that
yeah i really would you shag the queen yeah yeah yeah oh god i hope she doesn't watch
the queen she's is she a patron If the queen turned up in your bedroom
And she goes
I've spoken to Laura
And Laura said you can fuck me up the wrong end
Wow
He was yawning before
And now he looks more alive
He was nearly having a nap
And now he's like
Back in second wave
Laura said,
you can fuck me up the wrong end.
I've left the corgis in the garden.
Now get your fucking dick out
and put it in my body.
What are you doing?
What are you getting from it?
Does she just leave?
50 quid.
I can't believe you're not asked
about seeing the Queen's family.
She's 95.
If someone said to me,
right,
is she 90 or 95? She's in the 90s, I think. If there was a Fanny she's 95 if someone said to me right is she 90 or 95
she's in the 90s
I think
if there was a
curtain in front of
me and someone
said the Queen's
Fanny
if you look around
that curtain
you can see the
Queen's Fanny
but if someone
catches you doing
it 10 years in
jail
add to me
really yeah 10
years to see the
Queen's Fanny
it's the Queen's
Fanny mate
that's mad that
you know
has it got it's
own little crown
what are you
excited about
I don't know
it's just an experience that's the thing you've never had in your life I don't know It's just an experience
You don't know
I'd like to know
Has it got it's own little fucking jewel
Has she got a vagina
I think Sina Queen's funny
Sina Queen's funny
This one for the crown
This one for the biff
Once in a lifetime experience
It absolutely is But if I get my dick out And stick once in a lifetime experience no I'm alright I'm alright it's a once in a lifetime experience it absolutely is
but if I get my dick out
and stick it in a letterbox
that's a once in a lifetime
experience
yeah but more people
I don't fancy it
like it's not as much
of a story to say
I've seen Dan Nightingale's dick
as it is to say
I've seen the Queen's fanny
I don't
you don't
I don't
if I said to someone
I've seen Dan Nightingale's dick
they'd be like
and what
if I said I've seen
the Queen's fanny
they'd be like
tell me more tell me more
tell me more
like does she have a scar
make a hell of an Edinburgh show
wouldn't it
what do you reckon it'd look like
do you reckon it's neat
I don't think it's well kept
I've had this thought
do you reckon it tastes like stamps
no we're not doing
I don't think it's well kept
because I think
the problem is
no one's allowed to be close enough
to the queen to keep it yeah I don't reckon she keeps well kept because I think the problem is no one's allowed to be close enough to the Queen to keep her
yeah I don't reckon
she keeps it
please can we
stop talking
about her majesty's rat
this is all you get
demonetised
I reckon
this
I honestly reckon
does he taste like
I reckon she's got
like massive pubes
shut up
I do as well
shut up
I think
everyone
I think everyone looks Oh, my God.
I think everyone looks after everything in their life besides my fanny.
That's the one thing she's got to look after herself.
And she probably thinks, fuck it.
Golden waffle.
All old women have a little beard.
Hers is just on a fucking muff.
Do you reckon she still shaves her legs at her age?
No.
They're hairy as well.
I reckon neck down, she's an absolute fucking beast
sign up for the
patreon
patreon.com
slash have a word
part
can we have a word
with us
so this is
Christmas
the queen's speech
has just been answered
I would love
the have a word
it's like,
so, I have a friend who works at the Royal Palace.
Is it illegal to talk about the Queen like this?
Is it treason?
No, it's probably illegal to, like, threaten her.
To threaten her.
Listen, Liz.
I'll turn his mic down.
I've got it.
It's funny the way Dan shits himself
over everything
rightfully so though
you fucking listening to me
yeah
hey
if we get fucking
demonetised
because you're a fucking
pussy
oh no
oh my god
oh dear
wrap it up
get it wrapped
he's been up
since
he's been up
way too late
for us to do
one of our longest
ever second sections
you know if we smash it and end
up like on the
royal variety or
something unlikely
yeah and then the
carl you just said
does the queen's
fanny taste like
stamps and then
you're like one
day though one day
though if i get on
the old royal variety
it'll be awkward
won't it yeah
i don't think we
need to worry about
it so you're all
right like yeah imagine the queen i don't know b need to worry about it so you're alright imagine the Queen
I don't know
BBC sounds
watch it
so fucking hell
you get to spud
the Queen
if you meet her
if you do the Royal Variety
if she's the one there
I would spud her
said this to Hal Crutton
didn't I
I would do loads
of anti-royal material
me like
would ya
yeah
I reckon you'd be cut off
after four seconds I'd do what we've just spoke about I'd turn that into a? Yeah. I reckon you'd be cut off after four seconds.
I'd do what we've just
spoke about.
I'd turn that into a routine.
Do you know what I'd do?
You know when in school
when someone had crouched
behind someone
and you pushed them
over them?
No, she's too old for that.
I'd do that with you.
I'd go like,
get it behind him.
Get behind him, Liz.
I'd push Adam.
Do you reckon
she'd be up for that?
Do you reckon you'd be
put in prison
if you pushed the Queen over?
Yeah.
Yeah, 100%.
Because she'd cut herself or something and he'd go...
Hey, what if he ends up in that prison
where the thingy lives?
What's his name?
Julian Assange.
No.
Tower of London.
Tom.
Tom Horton.
Yeah, he's in prison.
You and Tom Horton every day
starting a podcast.
Because it's a crime against the Queen,
you have to go to the Tower of London
where no one's a prisoner.
It's a very sort of old sounding crime. Finally get to
use Hitler's toilet or something.
Poor old Liz.
What could you do to the Queen
right? Which would be like
a faux pas but not imprisonable?
Could you twist her nipple?
No I think hug her.
She come along and she was like
touch her.
I mean if you did that to any woman that's assault. If you threw a fart No, I think hug her. I think hug her. She come along and she was like, touch, and I went, touch her.
Yeah.
No.
I mean, if you did that to any woman,
that's assault.
If you threw a fart in her face.
Oh, yeah.
Not touching you.
Ah, get on that, Liz.
I don't think you're allowed to touch it in any way.
I think that's a faux pas.
Yeah.
I think you'd be,
I think you'd get away with it.
Grab a raspberry in her face.
I thought you could do.
Um, high five, too slow.
Something like that. Make her look strappy. High five, too slow. Something like that.
Make her look strapped. Three five, to the side, up above, down below.
Too slow.
She'd go for the first three.
Fucking pissing me.
Walnie's pissed off.
Asking her for a fun war.
Hey, do you want a fun war?
You obviously can't touch her because you shake her hand.
That's the only one.
I think she invites you to shake her hand. And then you obviously can touch her because you shake her hand that's the only I think she's
I think she invites you
and then you can't touch her
personally
like
there's controversy
when everyone touches
a royal family member
by like guiding them
by the back
and they're like
can you believe
that someone touched
a royal
member of the royal family
on the back
what do you reckon would happen
if you just started
necking her butt
she kissed you back
you know
you know
she went like that
and you just grabbed her
and you just went for it
but she was clearly enjoying it
like they zoomed in on the camera
and she was
tonguing your back
mum I like that
mum I like that
so
security comes over
and they're like
fucking get off her
she's like leave him alone
right
we're just getting into it
and then we get on the floor
and she's fucking
ripping me top off
I've got a crown on
I'm fucking going
live on BBC One
what do you reckon
what do you reckon
what do you reckon
would happen
I reckon you'd be
snipered in
seconds
even if she was
enjoying it
what do you reckon would happen if you RKO'd I think Can you be sniped in seconds? Even if she was enjoying it?
What do you reckon would happen if you RKO'd?
I think the next person at the Royal Variety would be pissed off that they'd have to follow you.
Yeah, I'm not shaking now.
What do you reckon would happen if you did the RKO?
What do you reckon would happen if Prince Philip came along
and you just hit him with an RKO? What do you reckon would happen to you since Philip came on? It's going too far. And you just hit him with a hug.
What do you reckon would happen?
What would happen if she comes up to you
and she went, what's your name?
And I go, it doesn't matter what my name is,
I'm rock bottom.
You've got two wrestlers mixed up.
I don't think it'd be good.
I think it'd help numbers though.
When you came out of prison, I think our podcast numbers would be up
Would you carry on the podcast without him or
What if he got done for
Stone Cold Steve Austin in The Queen
Yes I'm not giving up
I'm not giving up the pod for a lot of things
Imagine how much of a god in prison you'd be though
Why are you in A Stone in The Queen
Honestly I
Would you get like a royalist?
You know the way people go the opposite spectrum?
We talked about the live show,
like what crimes could we commit
that would like stop the other one?
If he does anything that gives him that level of infamy,
I will ride it out till he's served his sentence.
Yeah, but you're going to get another...
Because the podcast...
Do you know what I mean?
You're going to get another host on?
Stephen Try's got started on by some five aside nonces
and everyone's like
fuck the internet's blowing up
what if he
nipple twists
Queen Liz
I know he won't
he won't be here
for the next episode
but explaining it
would be fun
yeah but would you do
what the telly does
and then go extreme
like someone's been racist
the next thing they stand
the next like a black guy
on the show with them
that's like
look we're not racist
here's a black
what do you think I'd get Camilla Parker Bowles?
Basically.
Is that what you're going to do?
Are you going to get Camilla or someone
with you being like,
hello, Daniel.
It's time I have a word for Camilla and Dan.
Listen, can we...
I'd ask the Queen
whether she was responsible for killing Diana.
I'd be like, was it you though Liz
come on
I won't tell anyone
just whisper in my ear
just shaking their hand
just pull her in for a hug
and go
tell me you bitch
did you do it
yeah
how much did you pay Dodie
he'd be like
shut up you
you know who you do Dodie
don't you
you know who you asked
you know who you asked for that
yeah
would you then get in a car
I wouldn't get in a car
I'd get in a car
for the last six months
I'd be like
why would you have paid Dodie
he's dead as well.
Yeah,
but like,
I think he was paid
like Marta money,
wasn't he?
Hushed like,
yeah,
here's some money.
70 versions.
Marta money?
No,
it was only Paul,
wasn't it?
What's that?
Here's some money.
Go and kill yourself.
Yeah?
That's one of your
stronger conspiracies.
It is a massive
fucking WH Smith
gift voucher.
Now drive her into
that fucking tunnel.
The thing is though
nice one
why do you think
Dodie would need
Martin when he
didn't his dad own
oh no not Dodie
sorry that was a
fella wasn't it
I meant the driver
Henri Paul it was
what
Henri Paul
did he die as well
he was a driver
yeah but he was
smiling on the picture
wasn't he
which means he was
in on it
episode 100
100
this isn't our first go
this isn't our first go
and afterwards we go
do you know
there's a couple of bits
we might have to rein in
this is episode 100
with one of the biggest
patrons in the UK
have you seen the picture
where he's like
like he's going through
Alton Towers on the 5th
yeah it's like he's on the it's going through Alton Towers on the 5th yeah
it's like
he's on the
it's like they told him
he's on the log flume
it's like get ready
the boss is going to
there's no way
that like
he didn't know
he knew
he was about to die
and he's like
fuck I'm paying for
my new house
new house
yeah
this one's for you
don't do the new
don't do the no hands bit
don't do the no hands bit
you can smile for the camera
have you seen the picture Have you seen the picture?
Can you get the picture up?
Slide it in
I'll slide it in
What, like a car before he died?
Slide that in
It's not Rob Mulholland with a hangover
Have you seen it?
I mean, he is smiling
He is, isn't he?
Turn that round and show these, please
Yeah, but Diana was meant to be dead funny,
so I'm sure somebody just cracked the job.
Look how fucking happy he is.
That's just as they're about to crash as well.
He's just at like 90 mile an hour there.
He's probably shitting himself.
And all the cameras were conveniently off.
Oh.
Isn't that strange?
Except for that camera.
Yeah, except for that one.
And he was caught smiling.
That's what I'm saying.
Look at this one.
He's going way.
Look.
Yeah.
He's fucking made up he looks like me
in a Harry Potter world
google himself
by the way
I'm not sliding that
into the video
you have to google it
yourself
this one's for you
Diana
I've been watching
The Crown
on proper teams
Diana these days
yeah
where were you
in Diana died you sound it where were you when Diana died?
you sound it
where were you when Diana died?
why does that sound proper?
accusational
Paris
no but they say
like everyone knows where they were
I was like
I was too young weren't me?
yeah
did they?
yeah they say everyone knows
where they were when Diana died
I know I noticed when Michael Jackson died
I've heard that about JFK
it is
it's generation things
we were just Twin Towers yeah I found out about the Twin Towers when Michael Jackson died? I've heard that about JFK. It is. It's a generation thing. So for us,
it's Twin Towers.
Yeah.
I found out about the Twin Towers
on the corner of the street
I grew up on.
I come home from school.
We hadn't been told in school.
I mean, mate,
Adam Clegg,
come up to me and he went,
about them planes in America.
I mean,
I went,
I'll tell you later.
I sat and watched them
before they left school.
I remember their own.
My mate's just got with a girl.
She's 22.
He's 37.
Questionable.
No judgment.
Oh, there is. There is.
Low judgment.
Low judgment.
And my favourite thing to do is ask them about all the things that his beard doesn't remember,
that your beard doesn't remember.
That's your beard, the way she was at 9-11.
Do you know what's mad?
Your memory is false there.
Why?
Because you couldn't have watched it before school
because of the time difference
it happened in the morning
for them not for us
it happened in the afternoon
that's what I remember
it was a false memory
the amount of people
who've got confabulated memories
about 9-11 is crazy
like google it
and it was like a shift
in the time space continuum
and some of us
moved into a parallel reality
the mandela effect isn't it
the mandela effect
it is
it's called the mandela effect it's called the mandela effect do you know about the mandela effect they't it the mandela effect it is it's called the mandela effect
it's called
the mandela effect
do you know
about the mandela effect
they've watched
the same documentary
together
no no we haven't
googled that
no we haven't
do you know
about the mandela effect
the mandela effect
there's so many people
convinced
that he died
in like the 80s
but like
like
there's people like
when he died
a few years ago
people were like
he's already fucking dead,
I remember him dying.
But there was like
hundreds of millions of people
who thought that.
Genuinely?
Who just missed when he got released from prison?
No, apparently like,
when something big happens in the world,
it splits something to do with time,
and apparently 9-11 was one of them events.
People have,
like, you didn't watch it before school,
because it happened in the afternoon for us.
Okay, I believe you.
Yeah.
I'm really worried
about those 100 million people
that were like,
he's dead, isn't he?
Yeah.
But like,
it's because
when he died the first time.
You know what's weird?
That Mandela thing.
That Mandela thing.
We had that
with a lad round by ours
who's a pisshead
that used to follow us
in people's gardens.
He might make it to like,
he's dead, isn't he?
No, he's not dead.
I saw him the other week.
I saw him sleeping on the roundabout. You can't have, he's dead. to like he's dead isn't he no he's not dead I saw him the other week I saw him sleeping on the roundabout
you can't have he's dead
I heard he was dead
two weeks ago
see
it happens all the time
piss heads round his way
Nelson Mandela
9-11
and that cunt on Alton Towers
vlog flew
on report
yeah
did you hear about Diana
she died at Alton Towers
with Nelson Mandela
but yeah there's people there's girls going there Diana died at Alton Towers with Nelson Mandela. But yeah, there's people,
there's girls going there.
Diana died at Alton Towers.
Who bought the photo?
Some girl going, yeah,
I remember,
is it the Hudson River?
There's the Hudson East.
Yeah, I remember looking over the Hudson
and seeing the smoke billowing over.
It was one of the worst moments of my life
when I was really little.
And her mum's like,
the girl next to her,
we lived in fucking Boston.
That's not a true memory.
Because everything's so confabulated from that day
because of the Nelson Mandela effect.
I remember it, yeah.
Yeah.
A lot of people not concentrating.
I like it.
He's such an anti-conspiracy.
Mandela is basically,
it's a posh way of saying
people being a bit thick, isn't it?
No, but look at all the evidence
we've just put in front of Dan
and he still rejects it.
Like Rob's just,
I bet you can remember
sitting there watching can't you
yeah I think so yeah
it's a lie
yeah
didn't happen
or did it
hang on
that's not a conspiracy
that's just the way the brain works
but Rob's isn't
the most
ridiculous is it
because
that is 20 years ago
he was
young
so he's misremembering
when he watched something
at home
but to be like
I remember when
Nelson Mandela died
and then he didn't
is a jump up
from there
it's also there
with like huge
human events
and how it splits
something to do
with time
and how time moves
and we're all
on different paths
and stuff
it's interesting
go and have a google
of it
do you think
that's going to
happen with
U4
and your live show
remember when we
waxed Brendan
Reese's ass?
No, you put a dildo up it.
It will, yeah.
Would you?
No.
Would you nipple twist the Queen?
And then it's all about the time-space continuum, actually.
No, no, no, enough of that.
But it's...
Do you remember?
It does make sense, though, doesn't it?
I did toe-fuck the Queen.
We've got range.
And now a lot of people don't remember.
No, it's like the Mandela effect.
Because I did toe-fuck the Queen.
Either that or I just scored a fucking blinder.
Gerrard!
We're just showing our brains.
Gerrard, where were you when I was shagging the Queen in the pot?
The way I remembered it.
Where were you when Diana died?
Remember?
I wasn't 16.
I don't know.
Wanking.
Didn't happen in the middle of the night.
Where were you when JFK got shot
I think I was finishing uni
I remember Michael Jackson had a song for me
I was riding home with BMX with my ex girl
the JFK one's mad innit that conspiracy
because Lee Harvey Oswald
he defo didn't act alone
feels like we are on the conspiracy vibe
at the moment all it needs is JFK
In a rap battle
And it's literally
December to a fucking
No but have you seen
Like
That footage where
Lee Harvey Oswald
They go to him like
Why did you shoot the president
And he goes
Fucking didn't do that
And then he was dead
Like an hour later
Because they fucking offed him
Because he didn't do it
The what
Yeah
He's like
What I'm in charge of that
What
Yeah Yeah Because like He was like I what? I'm in charge of that. What?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because he was like,
I've shot someone,
but it wasn't fucking him.
I shot someone else.
Mandela.
Maybe.
Yeah, maybe.
You don't know that he didn't.
Proved that he never.
Yeah, so prove that he never.
Proved that he never.
You know what I mean?
And yeah,
like,
the RV Oswald conveniently got killed before he could be tried. Didn't he also plant some bombs in the Twin Towers before they're playing it to them? You can actually see.? And yeah, like, Lee Harvey Oswald conveniently got killed before he could be tried.
Didn't he also plant some bombs
in the Twin Towers
before the plane hit them?
You can actually see.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You see,
there's pictures of Lee Harvey Oswald
walking out the Twin Towers.
Prove.
And you can see the smoke
and the plane hasn't hit it yet.
Yeah.
And he's got a name badge on it
that says,
I am Lee Harvey Oswald.
And he toe-fucked the Queen.
And didn't he score
the third goal in Istanbul?
Prove he didn't
I was at Istanbul
and that's why
I would see the Queen's
funny
because some things
you're never going to
have a chance
to experience again
let's end it there
that's the end
this is how you know
it's been a long one
my fucking ears hurt
from the headphones
oh god
Rob Thomas episode 100 what a wonderful load of nonsense it's been a long one my fucking ears hurt from the headphones oh god Rob Thomas
episode 100
what a wonderful
load of nonsense
it's been a pleasure
thanks very much for coming
mate that is a very
very kind couple of presents
I really enjoyed that
Mach-E's even though
it was free isn't it
it was just to wind you up
to be honest
and you didn't get
wound up at all
so that was really good
my beard literally said to me
I don't think it's going to
affect you
do you think it's going to have
I was like no no
he's going to be like
oh fucking Mach-E's thing and I was like no no he's going to be like oh fucking
Machi's thing
you were just
literally like
fucking double cheese
I've got a bit of
options for
where can we all
find you where can
we follow you
follow me Rob
Thomas comedy on
everything go to me
part if you like NFL
literally I'm on here
just to haven't
spoken at all like
NFL far from
Lombardi podcast
it's very good it's basically
it's like this
but about the NFL
she's very toxic
far from Lombardi
far from Lombardi
and erm
it's got like a green logo
hasn't it
so if they search it
it's got a green logo
two normal hands
one little one
yeah
and er
I hope you've had a nice Christmas
and er
yeah
to another hundred
to another hundred
in two years time
yeah fucking hell
shout out to our Becky
he'll have probably
just seen you
two days ago
you fucking knobhead
alright Becky
if you want any merch
there's still some merch left
haveawordpod.com
and obviously
as always
we do an extra episode
every single week
on patreon.com
slash haveawordpod
you also get early access
to this stuff
you get early access to this stuff you get early access
to the live tickets
like obviously
we very recently
did a live show
there was only 100 tickets available
they went to £10 patrons
like that mate
and you get discounts
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if you sign up for Patreon
go and do that
keep supporting us
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I'm Adam Rowe
that's Dan Nightingale
that's Kentay Carl
that's Finn over there
that's Rob Thomas
bye Felicia
bye Felicia