Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #17 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: March 27, 2020

Sandwhich challenge tomorrow, best in show decided by our very own corned beef wrongen. Adam Rowe lid. Tweet your lunch/entries to @haveawordpod by 2pm. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello guys, it's Dan Nightingale. You may recognise me from this fucking podcast you're listening to. Let's tell you about our sponsor, Beer52.com. Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They'll send you some amazing beers every month and you can rate and review those beers via their website to appoint some rewards. Every month's beers will have a brand new theme. Past themes have been the beers of Germany, California, Belgium, Korea, New Zealand, South Africa, and Wigan. And many, many more. They've kindly given our listeners an exclusive offer of a free case of eight beers,

an award-winning beer magazine, and a tasty, tasty snack when you sign up. All you have to do is pay the few quid of delivery. You can cancel or pause your membership at any time. Sign up now at beer52.com slash word. That's beer52.com slash word to claim your free case of beer and in all honesty for every person that signs up they do bosh us a little bit of cashola which helps supports the podcast so basically you're paying delivery to get a case of lagers and beers and then we get a little bit of sponsorship money you scratch my back and i'll

scratch yours all right, nice one. Thanks for pointing up with that. Sign up if you fancy it. And let's crack on with the pod. Okie dokie, pickin' a pokey! Good morning, job seekers! Oh my god! Okay, it's happening! Catch me outside,

how about that? That Dave? No, there's no Uncle Dave here. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting. Two mics, two lids, and a lot of time on their hands.

This is Have a Word, Shut Down Dailies. Let's get through this mess together. You alright, babe? Are you okay? Is everything okay? I'm okay, how are you? The Prime Minister The Prime Minister I'm pleased because I don't want to get emotional And do you know what? He was so careful

The Prime Minister He was so careful He's got COVID-19 I think this goes to show that no matter how intelligent And brave and powerful you are And intelligent And clever and smart Yeah

Like This could happen to anyone especially if you're a fucking bellend yeah this one's for you bojo get better upset me nasty bitch especially if you're a fucking pig in a wig that just before he's not recording and i went have you seen he's got it and I just went what a fucking lid I've been going round and I've been shaking

everyone's hand and I don't see the problem with it I think you should you know everyone should should make up their own minds

about this you can choose to listen to our advice or you could you know just go and lick a pensioner that's

we're going to make this national, yeah, should we do that, actually? No, I'm the Prime Minister, I make the rules. I say from now on, the 8th of March every year is National Lick-a-Pensioner Day. We need herd immunity.

Herd immunity. No one else is doing that, Bojo. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. A scientific herd immunity. I think you've got the wrong coronavirus. No, no, no, no. Oh, fuck, yeah, we do. Oh, yeah. should we have let

4,000 Atletico Madrid fans come visit Liverpool FC when they weren't allowed anywhere in La Liga I don't see the problem with it this is the first time we've both been

even remotely acceptable at an impression oh no oh oh it could really I almost think we're being a bit too kind with that.

My manatees have got scrot rot. And we're back. And we're back. There you go. That was almost topical there. But yeah, I mean, he's going to be fine. He's got world-class physicians following him around. He's with at least Bupa, isn't he?

Bupa. He's like Bupa, Fork and Blackheart. He's with at least Bupa isn't he Bupa he's like Bupa fucking black card yeah he's black card at Bupa Bupa give him

free fucking can you get black card for Bupa are you famous mate you are my closest link

to a possible black card for Nando's is that what you want to call it Nando's black card everyone knows about Nando's black card or is that just I'm talking even Nando's Black Card everyone knows about Nando's Black Card

am I talking insider trading I assume they do Nando's Black Card is basically you can have up to 8 meals with 2 sides from Nando's a day for free so they give them to celebrities celebrities with 7 mates

or really fat cunt famous people? Yeah, so me and you could go. Four meals. We're going for brunch, lunch, second lunch and dinner. I remember a few years ago at the Edinburgh Festival, so Chris Ramsey was giving them on. I've never been all right with him since, you know. Why?

No, that was the end of our friendship, I think. Because he got three nandos. Yeah, that was the bridge too far. He was already doing well at that point, but I was like was like no i don't think i can look at you but they also gave his support actor good mates both of ours carl hutchinson one as well they were like yeah carl you can have one as well and it it was the edinburgh festival a few years ago and carl's not famous like ramsay's like strictly come dancing famous yeah carl is one of the nicest guys in comedy yeah a friend anyone who's like yeah carl hunch i'd be like yeah but he's a touring comic but he's not without he's not black card famous in my head

no not at all and that that lends itself to this wonderful little story. Okay, go on. So we're in Edinburgh and me and Danny McLaughlin went to Nando's, right? So we walk in and Carl Hutchinson's in there and I knew Carl had a Nando's black card, but Danny didn't. So we're stood in the queue and Carl comes over as if he's about to give us a fucking bag of Echis and goes, lads, what are you after?

And Danny went, we're just to give us a fucking bag of ecchies and goes, lads, what are you after? And Danny went, we're just going to get a ticket. Carl was like, yeah, I'll sit with you. What do you want? I'll get it. And Danny was like, I don't need you to buy me dinner, mate. It's alright. Carl was like, just trust me. Also, Carl's tight as fuck normally. So it would be out of character. Carl was like,

just trust me. Go sit down. Tell me what you want. And Danny was like, Carl, I'll buy me own fucking dinner. Because Danny's really confused. Like, why is Carl like... Peter Hutchins is trying to bang me. Yeah. And in the end,

like, I knew what was going on. So I think Danny thought I was just being a cheap tight cunt and Edinburgh's like yeah I'll have a chicken butterfly please like with garlic bread

and peri peri chips get us a drink as well I'm gonna sit over there Danny's like fucking tight cunt in fact throwing a halloumi I'm 90% sure

Danny paid for his own food because he just didn't know what was going on I love how paranoid he is he's after something fucking hell Stormzy's got a black card for the Didn't know what was going on. I love how paranoid he is. He's after something. Fucking hell. Stormzy's got a black card for Greg's.

That's fire, that, isn't it? Yeah. I did a routine about Greg's a few years ago. They never offered me one. I think they know the dangers of that. Wonder Company collapsing. Greg's stock price has fallen dramatically. Adam Rose had a black card.

Dovecut Greg's is out of business. It's actually still Sayers in Dovecut, actually. Oh, you couldn't keep the banter going. No, I couldn't. Because you had to go, actually, you said something wrong about Liverpool. No, I thought you said something wrong about Greggs. It wasn't Hometown Pride. No.

It was Shoptown Pride. Yeah, it was repping... Do you know what I see in... Sayers, by the way. Who's Sayers? You don't know Sayers? Is it, like, localized? Sayers is...

I think it was a bit bigger at one point, but it's a Liverpool-Maysie side, and I think it was northwest of England at one point. It does sound familiar, but I just don't know yeah well it was it's sort of it's another version of greg's like a pasty shop to sell a few sandwiches and like cakes and stuff yeah boy get this say is it's like you know one pound 50 for the sausage roll or like 180 for the uh steak bake yeah standard like greg's places You heard of Pound Bakery Mate I was literally just trying

Not to interrupt you But I was like I'm taking this to Pound Bakery Right okay Here's the thing I seen this a few months ago Right So I went to visit my auntie

Yeah She lives opposite of Sayers Right It was really really really Early in the morning I had to pick something up Before I went around Is this pre lockdown

Because you don't want to get Covid-19 Buying a vanilla slice to you That's a fucking bad move, isn't it? Oh, God, Nana's dead, but she loves it. The thing is, I was really, really hungry. It was 6am, and I was craving a tronity clear. You need a scone.

It's part of British liberty. I want a scone. I need to put weight on my eyelids. And I got to it. I was at, like, 6 in the morning. the morning I was getting like a very early train to London To do like a morning record for some radio shit And the Pound Bakery van Was pulled up outside Sayers

Right And they were carrying stock in Which means Pound Bakery And Sayers No They're the same No

With very different prices You're just paying for the Sayers label You're the same no with very different prices you're just paying for the Sayers label you're paying for the label Sayers are like Armani they're the Armani

of the pasty world oh that's amazing never going to Sayers again I love it that your conspiracy theory is about fucking cake you fat bastard

there's literally a pandemic going on around the world people are like I think no it's really suspicious

it just targets the old I think world governments have come together to set off a virus and you're like no no

fuck that lad right I reckon they're fucking ripping us off for fucking Jenny Cake yeah

I'm fucking can you imagine if you got banned from a sales I'm fucking onto you lad I'm onto you lad oh my god how cute is it

my daughter calls you lad I know oh this is so cute by the way my daughter loves Adam yeah don't know what's going on but she is into you mate

I'm good with kids like I'm really good she does love you though she runs up to you and but because I go alright lad and you go you though she runs all the years but because I go alright lad and you go alright lad she thinks you're called lad

yeah so there's a long history with kids getting my name wrong okay because I use a different one in chat rooms I'm joking

Susie 13 when I was very young I had a good mate called Carl. Not Carl that we've mentioned a few times, a different Carl. And his little baby sister said he used to call me Ahmed

because she couldn't say Adam. Sorry, what? She was the only white person in the country who made anglicised British names Muslim. That's a really weird look. Like they're going say Adam say Adam I don't think she say God be with you

we're not raising a Muslim but she just must identify as a Muslim. Interesting kid. How old is she? Two and a half. Right, okay, good. I think you can tell it's dear fave of the lockdown. She called me Ahmed. Your daughter calls me lad. Yeah, but it was so cute when she was like, bye lad, bye lad.

She's like waving to you. It's still in second place on the wrong names I've been given now. Go on. Paul Smith comedian's son. It's called Alex. He's my best you. It's still in second place on the wrong names I've been given now. Go on. Paul Smith, comedian's son. He's called Alex. He's my best mate. He's great.

And he calls me, to this day. How old is he? I think he's like four or five now. All right, cool. The Captain. And we don't know where he started from. He just started calling me. And I like that name more than I like my actual name.

The captain? Yeah. Where's he got that from? Does he think you look like what? Captain Birdseye? Oh, wow. You went for an eye joke. Captain Birdseye.

Oh, you rat. Nasty bitch. Upset me. Nasty bitch. Upset me. Nasty bitch. No, he just couldn't say Adam. So he said captain. And then we was like, are you saying the captain? And then he's old enough now where he's like, yeah, he's the captain.

So if I turn on him, he's like, the captain. That is pretty nice. It's fucking well better than Adam, isn't it? Yeah. There was four Adams in my class at school. There was no the captain. What if you could go back and just sort of fuck with time and you could just scribble out vincent and then scribble

out adam and then put a name in you can't change row okay that's the low what name would you give yourself quite like i'm sorry what was that little noise oh quite like vincent i'd like to be vinnie vinnie roe yeah i will like yeah i think i think i think i would actually keep vinnie my dad apparently was mad about calling me nathaniel and my mom didn't like it so they got a compromise because my mom was called Norma Nightingale and I think she's a really bit twee like Norma Nightingale

and Nathaniel Nightingale her argument was it's too many syllables you know why your ma changed it and I get it because your ma loves the D yeah

this one's for your mum yeah Nathaniel Nightingale is too much isn't it? Yeah. I'd love a black name. Would you? Deshawn. Deshawn.

I want a D-E before my name. DeVincent. Deontay. Deontay. Deontay Nightingale. Deontay lad. How many White Scouse kids are going to be called Deontay in the next couple of years? Because he's good.

I know he lost the big fight recently, but he's good. There's not going to be any Deontay. No. No. There'll be more Tysons. Tysons are good, aren't they? Tysons, no.

Tysons is a name for a fucking badass dog, isn't it? Yeah. I'd love it. I'd love it. Yeah. Dem demarcus have you got any names did you have etta picked out in advance for that uh we stole it without meaning to oh i just thought of it thought i'd heard it from somewhere everyone's like is it etta james and we were like yeah maybe it was and it was actually one of my sister's mates who had a kid called it etta it her called it etta one of my sister's mates who had a kid called Etta. It, her, called Etta. And then my sister was like,

oh my God, my brother's calling his daughter's baby Etta. And apparently her face was like... Because I think she thought she'd done brilliantly having an original name. And then some twat nicked it. Me and Jade have picked out ours. Yeah? Not telling you now, though.

Why? Because you'll fucking nick it. What? You'll nick it if you have another kid. And to be fair, we're banging loads at the moment. Oh, yeah? We're going to have a COVID baby. Have you got it again?

What? You got laid again? No, mate. Banging loads is one time. Twice a month, and that's holiday. That is. I'm not even joking. Have you had a wank?

No. No, I've promised. That was so defensive. I don't believe you. Oh, I've genuinely not. No you had a wank no no I've promised that was so defensive I don't believe you oh I've genuinely not no no no no but I've made the promise

to everyone I had four yesterday no you didn't did oh bloody hell little Vincent will be all sore

oh that's definitely what I'm calling me dick from now on little Vinny little Vinny or big Vinny I can't call my dick DeMarcus

Deontay Deontay that's not? I can't call my dick DeMarcus. Deontay. Deontay? That's not fair. You can't give a little pink dick a black name. That's not good, is it? Come on, Deshawn! Four and a half inches. Can't be on dinky one with a dick.

This my dick My dick spit bars I ain't scared of you motherfuckers I'm tiny structured I'm little boned I'm hung high I pull my shit out this whole room

get like kick it oh I can't believe you did it oh you changed all the things oh Adam fuck I love

podcasting with you do you know what makes this funnier for me is I know my wife is two rooms over because she's working from home. And I hope this podcast starts

making some proper money soon because she's definitely falling out of love with me when she hears you shouting I'm lad struck! If I pour my shit out, this whole room gets licked! Oh, let's have a little think.

Send in your questions and suggestions to haveawadpod at gmail.com. Let's crack on with this nonsense. We have got some questions from Andrew O'Hare. Okay. Who has gone, look, I haven't thought of a would you rather, and I haven't got to have a word, but I've got these questions that I'd like you to answer and i'm all for that i want it you know like the idea of it being changed up a bit yesterday simon story asked if it was weird that he didn't watch porn and you really helpfully

were like yeah you're a freak you know about yeah andrew hair if you were perpetually surrounded by one aroma besides your natural smell which you and everyone around you could smell, what would it be? Vanilla. That is... Considering how hard your personality can be. Vanilla. Vanilla.

Vanilla. I love vanilla. Yeah. Vanilla's my favourite ice cream flavour. That's mad, isn't it? Which is your favourite ice cream? Which is your favourite brand? which which your favorite brand because i like vanilla but i mean a hargandar's vanilla shit's all over like yeah morrison's own yeah

fucking i'm just talking like on a on a basic flavor level like if you offered me join an ice cream i've got strawberry chocolate mint vanilla you can only have one though because i'm tight and i want to keep it for the apocalypse. I'd be like, vanilla. Yeah. Yeah. But obviously there's always the thing of doing two, isn't there? Because now, with like a posh ice cream shop, they've got all the amazing range, haven't they? Yeah.

I always get one as vanilla, though. You can't go rum raisin and bubble gum. You're just an animal. I mean, Jade does do stuff like that. No. She does. No. She will get... They don't necessarily compliment you. Ugh. And she, Jade does do stuff like that. No. She does. No. She will get...

They don't necessarily compliment you. Ugh. And she gets... Vanilla goes with everything. I'll get vanilla, and then I'll get either a hazelnut or a caramel or a raspberry ripple. But vanilla's always there.

Who sounds like a fucking granddad right now? I love vanilla. I love vanilla. I've got quite like... I am a foodie. I love food nice I love a nice I've got quite like I am a foodie I love food Right But I do have some quite

You know what One of my favourite flavours Are crisps Ready salted Love just a salty crisp Yeah of course Yeah Yeah

It's sad Especially if they're good crisps Yeah Because you're not mashing I don't want curry Or gravy all over it I might just have it on the side

to have a little dip every now and then but I just want salt and vinegar on my chips yeah you can get a bit too busy with it

pizza got beef got some beef got some beef topped fries you know when you go to like a restaurant like a new style

hipster-y restaurant or like an American diner and they offer topped fries there's a couple now in Liverpool who don't do normal fries. You can't just get fries.

They only have topped fries on the menu. Because they want to charge you £7.95 for chips. Exactly. Exactly. What are they topping with? Fucking leave me chips alone. I want me chips.

Me meal can be, I'll mess about with that, but me chips, I just want salt and vinegar and maybe a bit of pepper on them. Yeah, but it's, they're not doing that. They're,

they're, they're stepping over a line, aren't they? That's like going, joint pizza. You're like, well, internationally,

the world over, it's, it's cheese and tomato is the pizza. And then anything else, you've got to name it differently. Yes. Right.

That's like going, we do pizza and then just whacking fucking chicken on it. Yeah. And like, yeah, that's our pizza. You're like, well, no, that's a chicken pizza, dick and then just whacking fucking chicken on it yeah being like yeah that's our pizza you're like well no that's a chicken pizza dickhead can't put pepperoni

chicken or whatever pepper on it and then be like yeah that's our pizza well that's not is it it's a different type of pizza giving you chips and then whacking shit on it what do they put on it i'm offended for you chili con carne will be on like there'll be like chili fries there'll be one with like loads of mayo and ketchup and bacon bits and stuff, and it's nice. But I want my meal to be my meal and my side to be my side. My side just needs to be plain. I want chips.

I want onion rings. I want some mozzarella zippers, but I want them all to be plain. Yeah, do you know, there's people here who are fussy or have been fussy kids. You can't fuck with that. That's like... Because if you're fussy, that's shit.

Are you fussy? I was a terrible fussy when I was a kid. That's like... Because if you're fussy, that's shit. Are you fussy? I was a terrible fussy when I was a kid. Jade's fussy as fuck. But if you put shit on my chips when I was a kid, I'd be like, right, well, I'm crying and I'm not eating that. My mum would be like, no, well, just get them off. We'll scrape it off. I'm like, they are ruined.

You might as well have rubbed them on shit, in shit outside, because mayo is as bad as dog shit to a fussy five year old. You're like, burn those fucking chips and get them out of my sight. Do you know,

I once went on a camping trip with my uncle. Now, when I used to go to McDonald's as a kid, I would get a plain hamburger, right, plain,

and I would get a tub of curry sauce and I would, you know, sweet curry from Mackey's and I would dip the hamburger in the curry. That's what I like. Don't fucking judge me.

Hang on, hang on. As a child, you dipped a hamburger into curry sauce sweet curry sauce mcdonald's wow you were not a fussy child that is that might be specific but that's not like fussy is like what i do with the burger at mcdonald's because this is what little timmy likes i take out the all the pickle and i take out the let and i take out the burger

and I just give him the bread and he prefers the bread. You know, the one with the seeds on. He doesn't eat the bottom one. It says it's weirdly two shapes at the bottom. That's fussy. You're, as a child... But I wouldn't have it with onions

or ketchup or anything on. That is fussy. You can't put my stuff on. Yeah. But it's more pernickety than it is like... I cried to come home from a camping trip. We were in North Wales. We were in, I think it was Bangor or something like that,

on a big camping site. I was with my uncle and loads of other people that he knew. My little brother was there, and he was as fussy as me. And because he wouldn't... It is sort of a hard line, uncle. Like, oh, don't be fucking stupid. I'm not fucking standing waiting for he's from Liverpool

I don't know why I'm doing this accent you're doing are you basically doing my family childhood accent yeah you do my accent at me all the time you're getting it back

you're right look I'm not I'm not fucking standing waiting for them to make a fresh one you have an hamburger you can scrape it off if you want

but that's it and me and my little brother were like we rang me dad and he drove from Liverpool to Bangor to pick us up because we were like, I don't want to stay here anymore. Oh my God, that was the end of you the whole weekend. Two days into a week camping trip.

Wow, just because there was little, the onion bits. Also, can't stand onion. Why are you little fucking wrath of a kid? The least offensive onion in the world. I like them onions. Is the onion in a burger at McDonald's. I love them now. It's like the diluted onions.

I'm not fussy anymore. Mate, I was terrible. I wouldn't eat... Apart from with me chips. I wouldn't eat burgers. When we went to McDonald's, I used to have a chips and a milkshake, and that would be me.

I wouldn't touch burgers. Do you ever dip your chips in the milkshake? No. I swear... Because I wasn't a fucking insane a fucking i swear on my mother's grave i'm not lying about this bit i do it as an adult get yourself a milkshake and some chips and dip it in milky chips milkshakey chips listen don't get a glass of milk no i meant i know it's not milkshake if going to brand it, you can't call them milkshake chips.

Chips in your milkshake, dippy, dippy, dip, dip. If you die early, I'm going to play that last snippet at your funeral. Dan, who's obviously done a hugely successful podcast and brought Adam so much happiness, would like to say a few words. And I'll get up and go, guys, I don't want to say anything. I just want to play something from episode 17. Yeah, do you ever see fucking chips in a milkshake? It makes them taste really good.

It's working through. My dad, when we used to go to the Grand Prix, my dad was obsessed with the Grand Prix. He took me along. He was like, you love the Grand Prix. I wasn't that keen. He was just into it and wanted someone to take. It's Father Sun time that I definitely want to be involved in.

And we used to go to Milton Keynes McDonald's on the Saturday. We used to go on a Saturday, watch the qualifying, and he'd take me to the McDonald's because it was just me and him. There wasn't anyone else there. There wasn't mum or anything. It was just me and him. And he once went, if I bought you a plain hamburger, like the fucking cheapest one. At the the time it's like 50p or

something he's like back in the 40s if you if you bite that and swallow it i'll give you 10 pounds and you put the 10 pounds on the table and i went and it this is 1990 10 pounds could buy you a fucking flat and also I was like nine now it can buy you a flat white yeah

so in my head I was like £10 is like that's that's like unlimited money as a child for a nine year old

that's basically two years income innit yeah but instantly I was like the pressure's on because i knew it was going to be a nightmare he's like no shouting no leaning on me we knew the magnitude

of the situation a fucking cheeseburger that any nine-year-old more normal nine-year-old in the country would be like i'll pay you a tenner for that shit. And then an old massive 10 pound orange. No bang there. And I was like, I can remember it. So I'm a trembling hand reach for the hamburger and I unwrapped it. And if you're a fussy kid, even when unwrapping a little bit of smell comes out. And I was like,

you're such a posse. I got it to my mouth. I went to buy. I think my tongue touched the meat and i went and my dad and my dad just took the just put his hand on the compounds pulled it off the table fold it up put it in his wallet and i never saw the 10 quid when you didn't shout and i was like i'm sorry i didn't like i just don't like it. I just don't like it. He was like, don't worry about it. Never mind.

Yeah. Respect to your dad. He tried, and he's absolutely right to not give you the dough. Yeah, we don't speak loads, me and dad. Jade's a proper fussy. That's fussy, though, innit?

Yeah, Jade's proper fussy now, and she's vegan. Oh, my God. I've got to tell you this. You can't be a fussy vegan. She's a fussy fucking vegan lad what the fuck it's not ideal

there's no level up from there she's almost completed fussiness yes and when she listens to this she will be fuming that I've called her she's like I'm not fussy I just like things the way I like them I like what I like

it just happens to be 2% of the things that people can like I like food just not most of it and i like it done in a specific way so jade only went vegan in like november but this happened a couple years ago you'll you'll like this right so um she she told me uh we're having this conversation i can't remember why i came up this was a long time ago like six months into the relationship and she goes uh i once went a whole week without having any sugar

you know it felt really good and I was like there's no way you went a whole week without having fucking sugar and she went I did

and I was like so what were you eating she showed me a couple of things like that don't have sugar in and I was like okay and then she went I made a vegan cottage pie and I went

well there you go so you did have sugar because there's sugar in the potatoes that go on the top of a cottage pie. And I went, well, there you go. She did have sugar because the sugar in the potatoes that go on the top of a cottage pie. And she went, there was no fucking potatoes on it. So there you go. I went,

well, okay then. Then there'll be sugar in the pastry around the pie. She went, there was no pastry. So there you go. I went, hang on a minute.

How in God's name was this a fucking pie? And she went, well, it was just the inside of the pie. I went, so you made the inside of a cottage pie, which is just mint meat and vegetables and gravy, and called it a cottage pie. And she went, well, it was vegan, so it had no mint meat in it. I went, hang on a minute. You're telling me you once made carrots and gravy and think you made a vegan cottage pie and she didn't speak to me for a week oh my god yeah wow i made a vegan cottage pie

you definitely did it no you once licked an oxo that's like literally me going in the fridge getting one of like fucking getting a baby bell and just putting on the sign and go made a pizza definitely not but it's good as there's a vegan pizza oh shit i've made a hot dog what i've done i've bought a pig um if you're perpetually surrounded by one aroma besides your natural smell... Oh, look!

How did we get to I've bought a pig from what would you want you smell to be? Vanilla. That's literally why this podcast's going well. I like a lemon zest around me. Constant lemon. Smelling like a fucking wet wipe. No, just a hint of lemon. Smelling like a fucking wet wipe. No, just a hint

of lemon. You know. Smelling like a freshly cleaned toilet. As I said it, yeah. You can't be lemon. Come on. I like a bit of lemon. Just a hint of lemon. I like a lot of lemon things.

That's your only smell though? Lemon drizzle cake. I'm really struggling because I can't think of anything else lemony that I like. lot of lemon things. That's your only smell though? Forever? Lemon drizzle cake. I'm really struggling because I can't think of anything else lemony that I like. Lemonade? Lemonade. That's it. Turns out I'm fucking stupid. This is sort of on subject actually. Just before we started recording we were sent

a sort of have a word by a long time listener of ours, and he's like a sports journalist. His name's Sam McGuire. So he told us to have a word with someone. Someone's put on Twitter. So the perfect dinner is obviously a sandwich with crisps.

And if you've got eight elements to make it how you want, and that includes any spreads and sauces, what sandwich are you making? So you've got to pick your bread, your spread, your meat if you have meat um if you want any salad on it that all counts so what this lad's gone for is a white balm layer pack spreadable fruity sauce sliced pickled beetroot sliced very strong cheddar sliced pink lady apple a frisee salad and salt and vinegar discos so let's just say right now we will have it quite classy until the last bit beautiful lovely tiger loaf and

you couldn't pay me to eat that sandwich right now what's fruity sauce it's like a it's like a a fruity version of brown sauce you know like fruity hp. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's got like a green label. Right. Yeah. So. Not into it. Not into it at all. So I want yours. Do you like a sandwich with a bit of crisps?

Absolutely love it. Okay. Mine's going to be controversial, so I'm going to let you go first. Mine's not funny. I want to tell you quite seriously what my favorite sandwich is. Okay. Sainsbury's. The, it doesn't have to be tiger loaf, but you know the big fucking loaves that they make. You know, they're like Sainsbury's the it doesn't have to be tiger loaf but you know the big

fucking loaves that they make you know they're like Sainsbury's made fresh ones yes yeah one of them bad boys

come in a clear plastic bag and then I chop on a diagonal because I'm a fucking gentleman not right down the right angle like an animal

I chop at an angle beautiful Prosecco what's it called prosciutto the fucking this speck that's it I chop at an angle. Beautiful. Prosecco. What's it called? Prosciutto de fucking... Speck. That's it. Speck.

I thought you were putting sparkling wine on your sandwich. Prosecco. I just get bread. I chop it up and then get shit-faced. It's fine. Fills you up. It's your foundation. You get fucking hammered.

You're scousing some of your fantasy. Prosci going to get fucking hammered. You're scousing so many of your fantasies. Prosciutto de speck. Mozzarella sliced. What's prosciutto de speck? It's the poshest ham you've ever seen. Right, okay. It's basically like a EuroMillions fucking bacon sandwich. Okay.

Prosciutto de speck. Fresh lettuce. Iceberg lettuce. Sliced mozzarella. Beautiful mozzarella. prosciutto de speck fresh lettuce iceberg lettuce sliced mozzarella beautiful mozzarella not the wet stuff that's in the big white block they're not showing off I want it sliced by Sainsbury's

because slicing is hard work sliced by Sainsbury's in and then this is it Lurpak spreadable like he said good man

little bit of mayo if you want a little touch of mayo right then hot sauce Frank's red hot sauce little bit of mayo if you want a little touch of mayo right then hot sauce Frank's red hot sauce little bit of hot sauce

little bit of black pepper oh my god I'm getting hungry little bit of black pepper pow and then crisps ready pommes but not far off

ready salted squares ready salted squares ready salted squares are my favourite. Okay. That's it. So there's no comedy there.

Genuinely, that is a sandwich you can make. Yeah. I'll leave the ingredients on the YouTube. I've got a feeling, to be honest, that our- Bread. Here's the Amazon link for bread. I actually do want you to tell me that again afterwards, because it sounds tasty.

I want to try it. And the prosciutto di spec is the thinnest ham. It's beautiful. A little bit smoked, but it's so thin. Oh my God. I'm getting horny. Are you getting horny?

I'm really... I think our listeners want us to take this for serious, to be honest with you. Right, okay, go. Here's mine. Now,

going to be controversial. Okay? How controversial can it be? I don't understand what you... I've said it online before and got hay for it. Okay? So...

Is it your cottage pie thing where there's no bread, there's no salad, it's a slice of cheese sandwich? You get it out of the pack. It's easier than making a sandwich. I do eat, like, you know, like American cheese, like the singles. Yeah.

I do eat them out of the fridge on their own when I'm hungover yeah a few slices of cheese I think that's why the wrap is in there to just stop you

being an animal if it was just like if there wasn't you've really got to hate yourself to open the 43rd bit of plastic and like

no no but there's a pile of plastic around you're like oh god I'm changing my ways ahhh yeah if they were just in not

individually wrapped you just you wouldn't even separate them and you're like but they're like we want you to make your work for this i have done that with a block of cheese before just like like a sandwich and i was hungover really really bad oh we haven't got time for it today but I will tell you a story I've got the best best drunken hangover story

it will absolutely shit over everything we've been sent so far for tomorrow let's do it tomorrow let's do a couple of I'll tell you what

I'll do a couple of hangover stories and then Big Daddy can come with his fucking sliced cheese I can't believe and it's related to that anyway

sandwich so do you know, we asked one of his questions 20 minutes later. 20 minutes later, we're like, no, let me tell you which cheese. So,

it's quite basic. Right. I want wholemeal balms. What? Wholemeal, like brown balms. Brown bal? Wholemeal. Like brown balms. Brown balms? Yeah. Like brown bread rolls.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sliced in the middle. That's not Maverick. So far, no controversy. Okay. Controversy. Controversy.

It's fine. Bit of... I'm not fussy about the spread. We use Floralite in the house, but I do like a Laypack spreadable. Oh, I'm not a fan of Floralite. Floral Light in the house But I do like a Lair Pack spreadable Oh I'm not a fan of Flora Light Flora Light I can live with Lair Pack would be my choice though

Do you know when margarine starts sweating When it's been in there too long No Not into it Go So Let's go Lair Pack Because that would be my choice

Good stuff Left out sometimes So it's a little bit more Viscous So it's actually spreadable Oh thank you So it does what it says on the fucking box It might go box it's fat it's fucking butter and fat shut up go on brown brown their pack spreadable what's in here corned beef oh for fuck's sake brown sauce

crispy onion bits that you can buy from the shop a bit of salt and pepper flame grilled steak mccoy's yeah you know when you said you wanted the ingredients for my sandwich yeah you can keep yours fucking corned beef corned beef and i've told danny mclaughlin this at one time and he said i would never eat that and i said why he said because i've got a policy which is i don't eat anything that anyone was forced to eat during world war it's kept me in pretty good stead so far but I love it I was raised on it corned beef sandwich crispy onion bits flame grilled steak and some pepper I don't think that's a great selling point. I was raised on it. You nearly passed out yesterday laughing at your own cat dealie joke.

Let me just get my breath back. I was raised on them. I think I've gone blind in one eye. Oh, nothing wrong with them sandwiches. Oh, with the eye jokes. Oh, genuinely, I didn't mean that. But yeah. Brown roll, corned beef

layer pack salt and pepper crispy onion bits brown sauce if you say it louder it doesn't make it better brown beef if I pull my corned beef out this whole room feel ill we will put this on our twitter I want everyone's favourite sandwich replying to it

we'll also put it on instagram let's do a little push for instagram by the way because we've got about 1,600 followers now on Twitter, but we're only on about 400 on Instagram. Follow us on Instagram at haveawirdpod, please. And tomorrow, for your lunch on lockdown, let's have a haveawird sandwich off. Yeah. Pressure's on, because it's not good going shopping right now.

I've got no brown rolls in. I have got fucking shit loads of corned beef, so I will make a corned beef sandwich. You could make, instead of using bread, you could go a layer of corned beef, then corned beef, and then close it in with corned beef.

Just eat the corned beef that you want to eat. Like I'm hungover. Just eating meat from the packet. Where's me cheese? Have you ever done that, though, when you're like, I can't be bothered putting these together.

They're just going to go in my mouth, so I'll just take this and this and I'll make the sandwich in my mouth. Bread, cheese, ah. That's a little sandwich cut out the middle, man. Oh, Jesus. That was one question.

Yeah, but we go off on tangents Don't we Shall we have a Shall we have a sandwich off tomorrow Yeah Tomorrow lunchtime You know they did a clap Like a clap for the NHS

Last night Sandwich off Did you do it by the way Were you out there Yes Do you know what Let me Oh

It's one of those things That people People love to that Ah what a load of bullshit It was a really nice moment On our street We're not the most There's not loads of interaction

And all of a sudden You're like Well fuck everyoneura's like i'm not sure anyone's gonna do it and we did it uh yeah jay was the same she went yeah i'll come and do it but no one's gonna be out there was loads out in our street and you know what there's a lot of people going well well the nhs workers they don't need people to clap they need more funding it's like yeah but we can't fucking do that can we we're not the government it's just a gesture it's just a nice way of going do you know what we really appreciate you the whole country did it at once that was the the most united this country's been in about fucking 20 years since gaza missed that fucking toe yeah this is the new gaza it was it was a lovely moment and you know if you thought it was a bit shit it

doesn't matter because even if one nhs doctor's like do you know what i really appreciate that then it's fucking worth it at the minute isn't it so shut your mouth nasty bitch do show up about do you know what i mean because you were talking i've got more do you know what i'm off right you've set me off here okay good i'm sick of people having a little whinge about what people are putting out i've seen carl the other day carl put oh my god can people stop putting their home workouts online? It's just boring. Yeah, it's boring as fuck. Just don't watch it.

If people want to put their home workouts out, let them do it. I'm sure one person does enjoy it and goes, do you know what? I've been lazy today. I need to do mine. Fucking leave people to do whatever they want. They're locked in their own house.

Stop being a cunt. Okay, good. But it was a nice clap for the nhs i think you need some fucking corned beef mate do you need some corned beef um no it's a valid point just tone down the negativity yeah and if you work in the comedy comedy industry and if you're a fucking agent don't go online and say things like this industry's fucked for a long long time because you're being a fucking moron well you right listen what does that gain anyone like we all know if we work in this industry there's a lot of industry that are having a hard

time okay we get it you don't know what the future looks like people are suffering with their mental health be a bit more supportive everyone can deal with what they can deal with having what is meant to be an industry leader online apropos of nothing going this industry's fuck for a long long time doesn't serve any purpose at this point it can be dangerous if you're if that's happening while someone's having a bad day you could literally literally tip them over, please, a little bit more positivity. Yeah. I mean, not here. We're allowed to slag off who we want, though, aren't we?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I slagged off a comic yesterday on Facebook on her own thread. Because she was like, she said something like, I can't believe the government are only giving us 80% of self-employed profits. And I went, what did you want them to give you? She went, well, I keep my expenses really high. I said, did you want the government

to take in your fucking tax fraud into account? Now, look, we know that you don't declare everything you earn. So we're giving you 80% of what you earn and an extra 400 quid a week. You get a car. You get a car. Everybody gets a car.

I've not been paying tax for ages, so I don't like these rules shut the fuck up i am the first one to call the government especially a tory government a gang of fucking cunts but what they did for the self-employed yesterday to bring it close to being in line with paye which is as fair as they could fucking do at the minute and people moaning that because they've been dodging tax for years on their fucking forms and putting on as many expenses as possible and not declaring as many gigs as possible, and now going, well, I'm fucked.

Yeah, that's because you don't pay what you're supposed to pay every other year. This is... Yeah. You played yourself. You tried to play the game and you played yourself. You can't have your corned beef and eat it. No, unfortunately.

Well, that ranged from sandwiches to politics really quickly. It did. Tomorrow, we're going to have sandwiches for lunch. Post them on the Have A Word Twitter at Have A Word Pod. My Twitter is at DanHazapodcast. I'm getting close to 3,000. I'd like to hit it.

No, it's shit. But in my head, I'm like, come on, I want to get past three. I don't know why. You do know that there's a lot of our listeners who are just going to go and unfollow you now because it'd be funny. I hate you. And your beefy ways. Let's have a sandwich off tomorrow.

We will. And we should probably tell people now, shouldn't we, that tomorrow is going to be our first remotely recorded episode. Yeah, it's time. It is. It's time. Well, we are well within government guidelines is what you were saying isn't it to be doing it this way and me coming to your house we're doing it but

we want to set an example because there's there's i i i've still been doing my daily walk taking the dog for a walk and me allowed exercise and there's congregations of like kids and people near the park and near shots taking it seriously people aren't taking it seriously. People aren't taking it seriously. And I don't want at any point anyone to be able to go, well, you didn't take it seriously. We are taking it very seriously. We're self-isolating. You're self-isolating.

This is our only form of income. It says within government guidelines that live streams and broadcasts, you can do this. As long as you're in a very small group and two is as small of a group as you can get. But still, we want to make a change in sort of, we, we knew it was going to happen. We're just calling it now.

I mean, we've held on as long as we could, but we love doing this pod and we love knocking it out there, but we can't do it at the risk of our health. Basically there's a, there is a tipping point where you're like, this is serious. It's not even that to me.

I think, I think it is for Laura. Yeah i think she's like your wife's getting a bit itchy yeah and i bet i agree with it i'm right i'm ready to to not have that feeling of like oh fuck are we doing one percent yeah yeah so we are gonna now do everything we can and it's not for me it's not for my health because i think we'll be okay if we do get it i think we might have already had it to be honest with you um but it's it's the certain example it's to use the very small but significant platform we've got and go stay the fuck at home um it's time it's time and i mean local radio stations are still going into the studio it's not even local radio i did fight and talk yesterday for BBC Radio 5 Live via Zoom, which is how we're going to do the episodes.

Yeah, so if it's good enough for the BBC. Then it's good enough for Hollywood. All right, okay. This does open a few doors up for us. It means we're going to get a few guests on. So there's going to be a couple of episodes where we ring one of our comedy mates. Who should we ring?

I think we should ring... Who the fuck is that guy? Oh, it's beautiful. We'll do it. I'm ready, Greg. Who the fuck is that guy? Oh, it's beautiful. We'll ring Freddie. We'll ring KK, who we mentioned yesterday. We'll ring Eshan Akbar

and talk in more detail about his dead ma. If there's any comedian, and I mean any comedian, like, me and Dan aren't famous at the minute, but we've got a few mates who are, and if there's any comedian

you're really interested in getting us on the pod, let us know. Tweet us, send us an email and say, look, if you're doing guest episodes, get... Like, we've already been asked a million times to get Paul Smith on. That will happen. I can tell you that'll happen. I'll find a way to get him to do it.

Don't ask for Chris Ramsey, because we've never been right since the black card thing. Yeah, Carl Hutchinson is doable. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We might get a fucking... We might get a fucking you might get a hummus but don't think that any comic is too big we'll try and get whoever we can on the pod um yeah so from tomorrow we're going to do this remotely i'm going to be in my house dan's going to be in his there's still going to be videos going out we've got a decent way to set it up we think and we we think we can do this now

without affecting any of the audio quality or anything like that so we're going to do our best we held on get your episode every single day we held on as long as we could but uh it's not about the government going actually you can't do that now it's just that it's just the time for to crack on and also if there's ever been a day to go the governments have been wrong before it's the day that the prime minister is is diagnosed with covid19 so i think it's time to go do you know what their advice changes on a daily basis and maybe we should preempt it and go fuck this we can do this from our own houses the the one the one little thing we were concerned about is that obviously when you're in the same room

as each other you can bounce off each other but we think we can manufacture that with the Zoom technology and the way we're going to record it we won't lose any audio quality either. It's going to be sound

and please keep supporting it. Yeah, and I won't miss the smell of him because I tell you what it's not fucking vanilla. It's time to give some love to one of our sponsors

the original gangster sponsor Vauxhall Comedy Club is proud to present bottomless booze comedy every Friday and Saturday night coming back some point soon

hopefully possibly this frankly bonkers offer gives you 90 minutes of comedy from top circuit TV comics as well as 90 minutes of bottomless booze

from just 25 pounds that's bottomless beer wine cider and ham sanitizer for just 25 pounds spirit and mixer bottomless tickets start at 35 pounds and entry only tickets for the straight laced purist start at 10 pounds voxel comedy club is normally open monday to saturday and is also right next to voxel street food gardens loads of really good street food vendors that's open monday Friday. Please, for the love of God, don't visit them for the foreseeable future. But instead, follow them on social media

and sign up to the mailing list and then they'll announce their triumphant return. Hopefully fucking soon. Mailing list is voxhallcomedyclub.com and the socials at voxhallcomedyclub on Instagram, at voxhallcomedy on Twitter, voxhallcomedyclub on Facebook. The show is 18 plus, no ID, no entry, and we operate a challenge 25-door policy.

What up? For when you need a laugh post-apocalypse, choose Voxhall Comedy. It's time for have a... It's time for have a word with Adam and Dan. Tenless all the problems that you have with your friends? We've got one of them and a domestic dispute. I love him. Yes, we have.

It's a beaut. You're going to still phone this when you're not looking at me like that. I'm going to send you voice notes of me singing every day now. Oh, God. Yes. Oh, God. Yes. So, we've got a domestic dispute,

and we've got to have a word today. We'll try and get through both of them. First of all, before we do that, another shout-out to everyone, the Patreon, the people who have signed up to Patreon, it's still ticking up nicely. If you don't know what the Patreon is, you probably haven't been listening to the episodes very recently, but it's a way for you to financially support the podcast um in a time where me and dan

are very unemployed and you can go to have a word no it's patreon.com slash have a word pod the links are on all our socials um and you the people have done it we appreciate it it's not individually it's not loads but it has helped with uh my mental health quite a lot in the last week yeah because it feels like a lifeboat genuinely it's it's it's phenomenal that people are willing to throw us there's three tiers and there's three quid five quid and ten quid um and eventually there will be different benefits to each tier of that yeah and we're gonna we're gonna make sure that come come the end of the shutdown there is yeah we're really

gonna work on it's not just gonna be like all right that's over thanks guys like but yeah we appreciate you and everyone who's even if you're not

if you're not on the patreon that's fine we the fact that you've been listening and sharing it and letting people know because it's full-on doing a

podcast every day where the world's going a little bit batshit and you're like you know what I want to do this for us and where the world's going a little bit batshit, and you're like, you know what? I want to do this for us and everyone. The feedback's been amazing, so just appreciate the fuck out of everyone.

Thousands of people are listening to this every day, which is just incredible to us, and the small financial support people are chucking in, it really does all add up. And if you're on the Patreon, this is a genuine, genuine sentence. We couldn't possibly be doing this without you so thank you very much on to the final section domestic dispute yeah yeah so

i relate to this one okay hello lad loving the podcast you and dan are smashing it and keeping me sane whilst working from home with the missus oh Oh, Jesus. I've got a domestic dispute for you. Sometimes I like to crack a little fart out. Sometimes intentionally. Sometimes it just happens. Me missus thinks it's absolutely disgusting and has a lifelong belief that if you need to fart, you should go and do it

in the toilet. Is that fucking bonkers or normal? Keep up the hard work, mate. Looking forward to the Patreon show when this shit's over. Er, mate, how long have they been together? I think it's looking like a fairly long

term. They live together, obviously. Oh, God. If you're not farting in front of each other already, come on. Who are you? You fart in front of Laura? Queen Victoria. Jesus Christ. just let it rip it's bodily it's funny

it is funny it's nature's punchline yeah farts are the funniest thing in the world like if I was doing my best ever

stand up routine on stage the best thing I've ever written the best gig I've ever had and people are it's murdering

I'm on fucking top form if just before I was about to do the punchline, me or someone close enough to the front row that everyone would hear it farted, it would get a much bigger laugh than the routine I'm doing. It's all about the timing, isn't it? If they just found that pause to go...

It'd have to be one of them... Yeah. You need a comical ripperipper not one of them ill light ones however can i just a little bit of a asterix on that when someone lets one rip silently and it stinks in and around the stage front of a gig that is a the worst type of biochemical heckle ever it's absolutely disgusting i did the gig in witch church a few weeks ago because the career is going really well and one of these animals at the front row let rip and i'd been dealing with it because it was the last bit and in comedy you'll have seen sometimes your last bit is

a little bit longer it's like a bigger bit you get a bit of momentum going and i had to just be like oh that's foul in my head i was like doing the bit but in my head i was like that foul and i just closing the gig. It was Belter. They were lovely people. And I went, whoever fucking farted, you absolute animal. And they all pointed because they knew because he got form for it. Disgusting.

Disgusting! Oh, it was minging. So the sound is funny. But you'll fart in front of Laura. Of course, mate. And does she fart in front of you? She can't help herself. She actually... She can't fart in front of Laura. Of course, mate. And does she fart in front of you? She can't help herself. She actually... She's got more emissions than China.

I've basically... China! I've basically got the same relationship as this guy. If I fart in front of Jade, she's like, you're disgusting. Go into another room and do it. It's horrible.

I'm like, no. You can leave if you want. Who goes into the toilet to fart? Unless you don't know them and you're trying to get laid. And then, obviously, you hold it in. Yeah. You can leave if you want. Who goes into the toilet to fart? Unless you don't know them and you're trying to get laid. And then obviously you hold it in. Yeah. You bang.

Fucking leave me if you want. Yeah. Leave me in my farty little heaven of a house. I love you. We're together. You're my life partner. And that comes with some fucking caveats. I love you.

I'll help support you emotionally, financially. But I get to just fart right in your presence. Jade's farts don't stink apart from when she's ill. And when she's ill, it's like... I haven't got time to come up with a simile for how bad it smells. She needs some crust on that food to just sort of... How can I describe it?

Right, imagine if you put a dead body in the front garden while it was raining in a bin bag yeah right and then you liquidized that dead body yeah and drank it right and then done a shit at the end of the day right you know the way that shit would smell yeah you would use the sense of that to febreze your house to get rid of Jade's fart that's how bad it is and just to give you a little insight into my nine year old brain that's how I felt

about that hamburger as a fussy child that was an equal level of disgust like it might as well have been a liquidised dead body like what the fuck

are you making me yeah just man I think I'm with him lad you need yeah tell your birds to fucking i think having a baby with someone changes a bit of that and maybe it doesn't shit everywhere

just like the day after lauren like she had a c-section the day after we had to give laura shower and it's like she'd been in the car crash she She was in a mess. I had to clean around her. My legs went crazy. I had to clean around her ankles because she couldn't do anything. You're like, how can you then, a week, two months later, be like, don't fart. Oh, that's disgusting. I literally, you've given birth to my baby. You can fucking fart where you want, kid.

I just feel like, get your priorities right. I like it when Jane farts. I think it's funny. Like, I think it's really funny when it stinks. Because I get to be like, ah, you fucking stink, isn't that horrible?

I think if it's a sign of, if you like someone, because if someone that you like farts, you're like, ah, when my daughter farts, we all literally, she thinks it's great. If someone farts

that you don't like, oh my God, then you're like, you fucking disgrace. I think this is going to be the next social movement after the coronavirus. Right.

We've done racism. Yeah. That's sorted. There's no more of that. Oh yeah. Sexism's gone. Sexism's gone. Homophobia, gone.

We sorted that out. Oh my God, Adam. The white privilege is making my eyes water. We're doing... All you farted. We're doing... We've done fat shaming,

you know. You've dealt with that. You're not allowed to fat shame anymore no no no unless unless it's me on stage um then it's allowed um but that's fat on fat violence now it's fart shaming i think fart shaming's next yeah i think if you fart shame people you're as bad as a racist yeah i think people of from ethnic minorities might be questioning the start of that sentence you know when you went racism's gone that's fine let's deal with farts let's deal with fart shame when was the last time you've seen any racism oh my god good point exactly can i tell you honestly when was the last time someone racially abused can i tell you honestly i hope the sarcasm

comes across in my voice I'm not even joking I'm not joking about eight years ago in Liverpool I was going to Baby Blue you know there's like a motorway

between the fucking the one side and the Albert Dock the Dock Road you're talking about the Dock Road it's like a motor

it's like four lanes on either side it's an eight lane road it's a beautiful summer's evening. There's people been drinking in town, and then they all wander down to the dock. There's a bit of movement. I'm driving with the Mersey on my right,

about to turn into the Albert Dock, yeah? Yeah. There's these two 14-year-old girls, shit-faced. But they were dressed like older women. One of them was a big... They only kids 13 14 one of them had a maxi dress on which is like a big flowing thing for the large lady a mate went straight across there's literally she's walking across you could see her walking across while it wasn't like it was still red light it was green lights for the cars and she's just rushed across

and the big ones on the side like fucking teetering she's on the other side of me going come across, come across and I'm sat there in my car she started fucking teetering I'm like sat watching this happen in slow motion she looked at me and went you fucking packy

and then off she went she called you a packy she called me a paki and you know what i was like oh my god i've been i've suffered racism no you haven't yeah no no no no you haven't no in that moment i was i was a victim of racism no you weren't because you're not from pakistani descent or one of the races of people that get lumped in with pakistani descent well i'd uh at that moment i was because she called me a baggy she dropped the p-bomb in a maxi dress on a beautiful summer's evening walking across a fucking motorway next to a river in the middle of liverpool and i've never been the same since i don't think that was a hate crime

i don't think you could be any further away from being Pakistani I don't know anyone who is less Pakistani than you I do look a bit Nordic don't I you do a little bit

Caucasian persuasion yeah like if you did ancestry.com you'd be like bitch you white

you so white you pink baby you are from there hey check your postcode that's where you from motherfucker your interest is from around the corner because your lazy white ass never went anywhere oh it was awful mate so you know sometimes i see the hashtags you know about kick it out and I'm like yeah I've been there mate how did we get there from farts

how have we got to oh fart shaming because you were talking bullshit about racism and then decided to take my bullshit really seriously you were like right

racism's been dealt with and we need to do fart shaming and you I was I've been to laugh I tell you a true story of when I was racially abused

and you're like you're silly well I know what i felt and i felt hurt um would you like to do a have a word close this out yeah good oneness i think hi lads uh open you can have a word with our mate mr b right uh we want them to produce the goods. Right. So all the lads are in a group chat. Typical lads chat named after the Reservoir Dogs film. It's called Reservoir Dicks. Already trying too hard.

It's no holds barred. Horrendous videos. Dick pics for days and a gank with just a gank. Dick pics for days. Dick pics for days. Dinky1.com Dick pics for minutes. Are you in any horrible whatsapp groups like left over from a stack just a one with you no no no i've just got one mate i've just got one or two mates that i'm not in a group i wouldn't let i'd leave the group instantly because i know what that

is that's just like a clusterfuck of weird i'm in what i just get cherry like just all of a sudden i just get some random shit bomb to me like and i see the name in whatsapp and I'm like oh it's a little video is it is it a gif I know exactly where it's going to end I'm in whatsapp groups that would end my career if they ever got leaked right I've seen a woman get bummed to death by a horse anyway um we're a gang of wrongans and I'm one of them are you laughing at me I was going to do it but tell me about the

WhatsApp group I just wanted to do that joke and I was like I'm not going to do it I'm still hurt from what I was called eight years ago in Liverpool

which was what never mind I'm one of the worst offenders and an open book of testicular release and photography so he sends his own dick to the group right one of the worst offenders and an open book of testicular release and photography. So he sends his own dick to the group. Right.

One of the lads, Mr. B, who he wants us to have a word with, casually announced one day his dick had swollen massively due to getting a circumcision. Okay. Obviously, the chat erupted with cries of request from myself, Mr. M,

Mr. A, and Mr. D. Mr. D better send his dick pics in all the time. We all wanted evidence that Mr. B had actually lost his German helmet scarf. However, to this day, he refuses to produce the goods and evidence. What? German helmet scarf?

Yeah, the foreskin. Oh, is that what they call it? That's what he calls it. That needs a workshop in that. The German helmet scarf. Wow. Go on. Have a have a word with him please we want to see his dick we want to see his um we want to see his massively swollen dick who's the one that's not sending mr b mr b this this is from mr s these guys need to fucking sort out the Mr. Tickle Bantz. Should we send this dick?

No, I'm with Mr. B on this. Why? I can't. Adult circumcision must be fucking horrific. I got circumcised when I was seven. Did you? Yeah. And I remember it.

No. My dad got an infection in his foreskin when he was 19. And he was like, right, that's it. They're all coming off. No. So he was like, apparently it was horrific. Can you imagine how horny you are at 19? Yeah.

And then someone basically puts your dick out of action for three months and you've got stitches in it. So you're seven guys? Every time you get a boner. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You just got bare helmet. I was seven,

and it was still pretty fucking horrific. I've got a full skin, mate. Yeah? Yeah. Right, okay. Well, that's the end of the podcast. Do you know, no one explained to me what was going on.

We just went and had it done. I mean, no wonder I'm on a fucked up podcast 30 years later. Just, yeah, we're going for an operation, are we? What's that then? Don't worry about it.

We'll tell you about that in there. And then I'm getting the general anaesthetic. I remember this very clearly. We'll take you for a cheeseburger on the way home. We'll give you a tenant. I don't want one. Countdown from 10. Then woke up, like, hazy.

And I remember the nurse and my mum lifting up the cloth on my penis. Bloodbath. Literally, it was just a mess. How is that not? That needs explaining, doesn't it? I'm going to do major dick surgery. Here's the fucking lowdown on how this is going to go. And then I remember for the few months after that.

You think that needs explaining to what? An eight-year-old? Yeah. You need to be think that needs explaining to what? An eight-year-old? Yeah. You need to be sat down and... Okay, I'm an eight-year-old. Let's say I'm an eight-year-old. Son, can I have a word, please? Little Adam. Go on.

Daddy, daddy, my penis is hurting. No, don't do Bangladeshi because I'm still hurt from what was said to me all those years ago. What's the derogatory term for someone from Bangladesh? Is it a bongo? Is that allowed? A-U-R-U-A-B-A-N-G-O B-A-N-G-O B-A-N-G-O

B-A-N-G-O And it is a hate crime. Adam, could you come and sit down? Me and your mum. Oh. I just did your dead marge out there. That was good. Me and your mother.

Oh, that's right. We want to have a word with you. Okay. Adam, I know you're only eight years old. Yes. I've got some news. Tomorrow, you know we said we were going on an adventure. Yes.

It's not exactly the adventure you were thinking. We're not going to the water park? We're not going to Sayers. No pasties? No, it's not pastie Wednesday. Why? It's dick chop Thursday. Why?

What is dick chop Thursday? Adam, let me tell you. Okay, please do. It doesn't sound good. You're eight year old penis. It's a dick chop like a pork chop. Shut up, Adam, you little fucking... Fucking banger. Adam,

your dick is... so big. I know. Your eight-year-old dick is so big. I've seen yours and it dwarfs it. We need to take at least about half an inch off. Okay. Okay? Are you ready for this, son? No, I don't want to lose any of my dick.

Okay, well it's fucking happening because it's booked in. Yeah, but why would you tell me this? Why wouldn't you just take me and make it... Why have you given me a day of anxiety about losing a bit of my dick? I'm eight years old, Dad. Oh, right. Okay, scrap this, scrap this. Let's start again. Adam, could you come and see me

hi daddy yeah tomorrow we're going to say us so bring a change of clothes it's going to be a really big pasty day for you could we go to pound bakery instead yeah we can go anywhere you want you're going to be unconscious four times as much stuff in pound bakery for the same price what you go in asian you've got more to lose on this career than I have. I haven't even got 3,000 Twitter followers. At some point. No, you're right. I'm glad I didn't know. Exactly. Now that I've talked to my eight-year-old Adam.

Yeah. Yeah, fair enough, yeah. I take it back. But I don't think those lads should be making him put his... Oh, show them your dick, you fucking loser. ...freshly cut dick. Show them. No.

Look, you've got to remember they're in a dick group. I don't think they're... What? freshly cut dick show them no look you gotta remember they're in a dick group I don't think they're what this group is for they send each other pictures of their dick leave the group

take your new slightly smaller dick and just join another group you cannot be in a picture you cannot be in a group specifically for

sending pictures of dicks and have a swollen dick and go that's not for the group you can't I can understand how he'd be a little bit

sore yeah you can be sore emotionally no it's funny send your mates your dick what happens

genuinely what happens if you get a boner and you're recovering from circumcision could you pop out the stitches you'd know better

than me well I was seven or eight I wasn't I've got my turtleneck and it's staying on your German headed turtle scarf

that's the fucking stupidest it is a turtle neck though isn't it oh right yeah it's just got no head on it a German helmet scarf though that's what they called it

alright yeah show your mate your dick that's my no Mr B keep your fucking D away Mr B

get your D out send it to the group Mr B wants to see your dick Eshan if you're listening who's away Mr. B get your D out send it to the group Mr. B wants to see your D Eshan if you're listening who's

he's from Bangladeshi heritage yeah genuinely if I've accidentally said a hate word with a bingo it can't be

no it can't be we'd have heard about it I think the P-bomb is actually the derogatory term of course it is yeah there's a lot of racists

in this country and they're all idiots and they think anyone with yeah skin of that shade yeah

is from Pakistani heritage yeah or a red a red Ford Escort at the time a what that's what that's what I was driving

that day when I got hate crimed I mean I was about to say should we call this a podcast no we do that's it but I'm not sure we we call this a podcast no we do that's it but I'm not sure we can call today a podcast

I'm emotionally tired and I'm thinking about sandwiches I'm thinking about sandwiches tomorrow let's do the sandwich challenge I want everyone for lunch if you're having a lunch a sandwich for lunch

show us a pitch have a word pod and Adam is going to choose who's the best sandwich and you'll get a free tin of corned beef we'll send it. We'll sanitize it.

You can send them to our Have A Word pod on Instagram or Twitter or haveawordpod at gmail.com via email. And please keep, we're getting loads of submissions at the minute for all sorts of Have A Words, Would You Rathers stories. Keep them coming in. Keep them coming in. If you send one in now, you're not necessarily going to go to the back of the queue. We're going to do the best ones first. Keep them coming in, please. We've in now, you're not necessarily going to go to the back of the queue. We're going to do the best ones first.

Keep them coming in, please. We've got a song. Nice one. Banger. The song is called Another Way. The band is called Waltz Away. They are at facebook.com slash waltzawayband. It's an absolute tune.

We'll see you tomorrow for our first ever literally self-isolating podcast where I'm in my house, Dan's in his. We'll see you tomorrow. Thanks to our sponsors. Cheers, lads. P52.com and Vauxhall Comedy Club. In a bit.

Bye. Thank you. I did all I could do to protect you from the storm Offered you shelter in the form of an umbrella It's heavy weather Over familiar, well in round our eyes Conversation, if run dry All I remember Ain't getting better We were thrown in the deep end

Took the blame for everything Even the weather Where's that umbrella? Can I borrow a feeling And get it together My normal view is the ceiling And I can't find another way To get through the day

To get through the day Now the weeks they roll on by Tell my friends that I'm alright It's fabrication Don't need an invitation to Make the choice that's on my mind It's a forever decision Behind these eyes I drag myself through the day

it's always been this way now i feel the scales have tipped boiling point i've reached my limit and i don't know what to do it's right up the blue Can I borrow a feeling And get it together My normal view is the ceiling And I can't find another way To get through the day

To get through the day