Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #170 with Daniel Sloss - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: May 2, 2022

Our December arena show is on sale now! Tickets at: https://sjm.lnk.to/HAWORDUPCOMING SHOW TICKETS @ dannightingale.com & adamrowe.co.uk/showsDan's new Chester city centre comedy club, The CCC, starts on Saturday 11 June. Checkout the website http://comediansclubchester.com for the rest of the years shows.Thanks so much for listening. Give us a follow on socials @haveawordpod and make sure to subscribe to the podcast on your app and to our channel at: YouTube.com/haveawordpod. Full episodes in video on da'tube.And if you'd like an extra episode of our lids, every week, in video and audio... sign upto our Patreon.com/haveawordpod. From as little as £3 a month you get the weekly exclusive ep. and a load of other perks. Enjoy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. hey happy birthday

oh sorry it's not I've decided by the way next year on my 31st I'm going big why I'm having my 30th on my 31st, I'm going big. Why? I'm having my 30th on my 31st because I felt like this year was ruined. So I'm going fucking massive.

Because you had a big party. But it wasn't a fucking good one. I had to go home at 12 o'clock because I was sad. You were a bit sad. I'm having a 31st extravaganza. There's going to be a band, a magician,

a balloon animal creator. All the shit that we said for the fucking thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going fucking massive. Are you organising this or are you letting someone else do it? Carl's doing it. I'm getting Ronan Keating down. Just to be there. Not even a thing. Hello, I'm Ronan.

And when everyone's in he fucks off. He's got a bit of tinnitus there. Joe, you'll never hear that. You'll never hear that tone ever again. Is that what it is? Yeah, it's a tone dying Yeah What a wonderful existential crisis You've just given me there

What a great way to start That's not a bad thing is it? If it's tinnitus It's like Oh tinnitus is awful But when you hear that And it stops You'll never hear that tone again

Alright A little swan song Bye Awful swan How are you? Yeah good thank you Thanks That's a nice watch that Dan A little swan song. Bye! Awful swan. How are you? Yeah, good, thank you. Thanks.

That's a nice watch, that, Dan. Thanks for touching. This is your Christmas present to me, Carl. Carl's wearing the Christmas present I got him. I like a Christmas present in the end. A Christmas present in the end is worth two written on a piece of paper isn't it oh Adam come on you can't get touchy

about it you gave Christmas presents that were pieces of paper with like I promise you I owe you one dead good Christmas present

it's May this week I'm getting mine in June we're going to see Dylan Moran everyone's had theirs apart from you because there has been

several complications with it yeah I still had theirs yeah have you because there has been several complications with it. Yeah. I still had theirs. Have you had your Christmas present now? Alright, cool. Hi. Well, good. He didn't wink.

Yeah, thank you for this. I'm glad you're wearing it. Do you know what? Because you haven't worn it yet, so I thought you didn't like it. No, I do. I do like it. No, I do. I just had enough. I wear it all the I do like it. No, I do. I just had another... No, I love it! I wear it all the time in the shower.

I just don't love it. No. I just had another watch, didn't I? Yeah, it's a vintage Casio from when you were a kid. It's absolutely... From when I was a what? A kid. You used to wear it when you were little, didn't you?

Not when... A what? It's a... What fucking child wears this Casio? No, when you were a youth didn't you have that watch I when I was in

early 20s yeah early 20s lad you're early 20s Dan yeah you ain't wearing a Casio till you were 26

I did when you bought it I was like oh fuck I've just bought a watch and you were like Dan you never never buy yourself a watch

before Christmas yeah because in December you were like I need a new watch I was like hey well if you've dropped the end buy yourself a fucking watch.

Right, yeah. That's nice as well. It's lovely. It's nice. You know what I get a bit too tired to have one watch? I'm going to have two or three little options. Nice. Yeah.

I'm going to do that with boats one day. Yeah. Yeah, it's not even a joke. You don't want to get tired to one boat, do you? Hey, Dan, do you want to ride in my boat? I'm not actually going to take you out now. I'm going to write on a piece of paper, one boat ride with Adam.

There you are. Sorry, sorry. Captain Adam. There you go. And that's as good as a boat ride. Are you into your horology, Dan? Is that the watch collecting? You're my eyes into my horology.

The science of being a whore. I'll tell you right now, I'll tell you right now, I'll tell you right now, you can tell it's going to be a weird one. He's like... I don't know what's going on, whether it's a combination of, I don't know,

if we had a meeting before the pod, if it's just... We've travelled the country this week. You're in the middle of a tour. Laura asked about it. She went, I haven't had an Adam update. How's he doing recently? I was like, I'll be be honest i think he's working really hard and in his head

he's like liverpool liverpool games games games quadruple liverpool you're gonna use the red and i fucking love it and i suck to my half i'm in love with jürgen he came into my mouth i think that's what's happening there he's like yeah they're talking a million miles away are they talking about watches are away are they talking about watches constant noise are they talking about watches well Jürgen wears a watch Jürgen wears a watch

he goes oh fucking hell it's Villarreal you know it's kick-off I know it's kick-off so I'll watch football so good luck for the next three weeks watching this because you'll see it in Adam's eyes

you're like yeah comedy podcast we're one of the biggest patrons in the world we're the fastest growing podcast in comedy and we're one of the biggest patrons in the world we're the fastest growing podcast in comedy and we are absolutely nailing the game changing the game

changing our lives as we do it do do do do do do do do do do horology Dan that's the expensive watches and stuff Rolex and what not

it's just it's just the studying not whores right it's a just like interesting watches well I know Russell Cain was big into his horology well I got absolutely Not whores Right It's just like Interesting watches Well

I know Russell Kane Was big into his horology Well I got absolutely Slam dinged For having a Casio When Jimmy Carr was here But to be fair He was taking the piss

Out of fucking everything You know So I'll live with that Shoes Who wears the shoes People on FA Cup final day Liverpool No I just can't do it yet Who wears a suit? People on FA Cup final day. Liverpool.

No, I just can't do it yet. I can't do it. I don't want to be that cunt. You're not going to dream watch. So I've got this, which matches my wedding ring, which I got for my birthday because I got too fat for my original wedding ring. Had to take it off and then lost it.

So my wife has restaked her claim and bought me a new one. It actually matches. I've actually bought another Casio. I just, I don't know. I like Casio.

I like the brand. You don't want like a baller? I just don't need a 20 grand watch or a 10 grand watch. I don't know. It's an investment, isn't it? No, it's not.

They only ever go up in value. Yeah, but then I can't wear it because they go down in value if you wear them and you drink in teddies till five in the morning and go, that's a run card.

That's not true. It's not true. You scratch up your Rolex, they get more expensive. It adds character, doesn't it? Turns out he's worn it. That's what they're after. Rolex.

Yeah, this is an absolutely, oh, it's beautiful, impeccable, it's in excellent condition. But where's the stories behind it? I want a big scratch on the dial that says this owner was a wealthy alcoholic. Oh, fucking hell, he's got a big scratch on this one.

Yeah, this is Adam's Rolex, and he wore it in Villarreal. He fell over when they won 4-0 away. That'd be a good game, wouldn't it? 6-0. So, no, I like him. I can get why people are into it. What about you?

You just get given one by wealthy friends, don't you? Yeah, I like them. But, like, again, I'd be scared to wear it. I wear the one Paul gave me, which is a very expensive watch, because I would never spend that much money on a watch myself. I'm so someone you. But I wear it because I'm like, it's a gift. I'm never going to sell it would never spend that much money on a watch myself I'm so damn annual but I wear it because I'm like

it's a gift I'm never gonna sell it or give it away it's a gift and if anyone ever comes up to me with a fucking machete and they're like

give me your fucking watch swap I'll just give them it like I'll just give them it if someone's gonna fucking stab me for it I'm not gonna lose my life over a fucking watch

have it I'd rather do that than have it in my house and be like when people come round look there's swift loads of money yeah it's just in the cupboard over here I actually I'm not going to lose my life over a fucking watch, have I? I'd rather do that than have it in my house and be like, when people come round, look, there's swift loads of money. It's just in the cupboard over here.

I actually, but that, I know we're taking the piss out of that guy, but that sort of makes more sense to be like, I collect watches. Here's my watch collection. Just buy one clock. A clock. The grandfather.

Buy a clock. If anyone comes up, a machete is deal done for me For anything You can have my fucking underkegs A guy comes up with a machete And he's like I need one of your socks And both shoes

And your hat I'd be like cool Do you want all the clothes? What if you've got a shotgun? Oh well that does change it a little bit But Carl I don't own a shotgun And I very rarely I don't know if you know that

Rent them to carry them around Chester I don't know You can carry a crossbow around Chester. I don't know. You can carry a crossbow around Chester. I know we spend a lot of time together, so. That's a fact. You can legally open carry a crossbow around Chester. Yeah. And between the hours of midnight and 6am,

you can kill a Welshman as long as it's in the head with one shot. Right, cool. And I wouldn't test that theory if I were you. Just fucking all the way up and down fucking Watergate Street, just waiting for a stag dude from Wrexham POW IT'S MY RENT

I don't I don't think the police will be like oh my god that bylaw from 1620 free fucking hit they can't arrest you you haven't broken the law

it's double jeopardy you've murdered someone in town no you've murdered a Welshman between the hours of midnight and six in Chester and it's not murder because murder is a crime and it's not a crime you've murdered someone in town. No. You've murdered a Welshman between the hours of midnight and six in Chester. And it's not murder,

because murder is a crime, and it's not a crime. You've killed someone. Police will be like, oh my God, you've killed a Welshman. Check my watch. That's a lovely watch. 20 grand now.

And if you're a woman who's pregnant, and the policeman comes, you can piss in his hat as well. And he can't refuse it. Fuck off. Yeah. You've doubled jeopardy. Right.

Is that written next to the killing a Welshman reel by the way if you're from around the world and you're like

oh they've actually all had aneurysms at the same time you know how the menstrual cycle works

for women we've hung around with each other so much that we've gone mental at the exact

same cycle together and we've all gone there are old like this country is so fucking old

towns like Chester are so old, they have random laws that no one's ever needed to change because, you know, they're so ridiculous. But one of them is that, yeah, you can kill a Welshman with a crossbow on. You've turned it off. Oh, smart.

I want to get some Of the funniest UK bylaws Yeah Weird bylaws I'm sure mince pies On Christmas day Is still illegal From like the Puritans Right

Is the television on now? Yes Carrying a plank of wood Down the street Is illegal Okay That's the first one Fantastic

This has started strong Isn't it? Ding dong. Knock and run is illegal. Of course it's illegal. Why? Because it's harassment, isn't it? Right.

Fun. Boys aren't allowed to see naked mannequins under the age of 10. Right, next one. Since 1839, it's always been against the law to be inebriated on licensed premises. Yeah, we knew that one. Fancy dress.

Always had them getting boners. It's illegal to dress as a busy. We all knew that, didn't we? Yeah, so it's illegal to impersonate a busy, isn't it? You can't pretend to be a busy. But I would do it for the laugh. But it is illegal. Impersonate a busy.

Yeah. I'd like to try and spy the man meme a busy where if they try and arrest me I'd impersonate a pregnant woman

and piss in your ass that'd be great from before it's illegal to place a stamp upside down treasonous right

so these are fun ones aren't they is it illegal to rub a stamp on your gooch? Oh, could you imagine how much of an animal you'd have to be

to just before you posted something in a post office use other bodily fluid rather than saliva to put the stamp down? Not a lot against it. Right. Cool.

Shall we move on from this one, Carl? Thank you very much, Carl. Thank you so much. Carl, thank you so much. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if you want to test the old shooting a Welshman. Finn, what are you doing later?

Do you want to hang out in Chester? Yeah. Cool. I'm looking for a crossbow. Yeah, it's because Wales was, Chester was like 45 wasn't it to keep you lot out yeah

didn't work try again no it didn't it didn't work but on a Friday and Saturday night when some fucking from Wrexham turn up I'm from Colwyn Bay

you know like you wish you sort of wish yeah a little bit a little bit Dan have you ever been to the Isle of man because we have this week oh no it did make sense it did make sense yeah hey beautifully timed on the lull that was just

you literally waited for it and just into the fucking well that'd be job the four runs mate so i'm quite torn with the isle of man because on one hand the gig was fun. This is the 800-seater that they were like, you'll sell this out in 14 seconds. The Isle of Man, they fuck it as soon as, they can talk with words. Amazing. So we sold 250.

Yeah. And that was like most of the stalls full. It was fun. The venue, by the way, it was beautiful. Yeah. And by the way, a 250-seater midweek at most tour shows, they'd be well happy. Yeah. Like Shrewsbury.

However, I am... So I do sort of want to go back because I'm like, if I could fill that room next year or the year after, it'd be actually a great tour show. But also, I also want to now write a routine about how the Isle of Man is a place where sadness lives and dreams go to die. It scares me. It's like an island of York.

It's a scary place. Do you know what it feels like? It feels like a really lovely place where loads of murders happen. Do you know like an ITV drama? It's been summer. Yeah. It feels like that.

Like we were walking around and by the way, we walked into a tiny tiny tiny little like convenience store news agents and there was a girl in there who was what like 14 15 and she recognized me and but she had no idea i was doing the show or that the show had been on so she looked like she'd seen like the ghost of a close relative she was so she was like are you a close relative she was so she was like

are you Adam Rowe from the podcast and I was like yeah she goes in this shop it was literally the tiniest shop

on the tiny island in the middle of nowhere yeah it was just it's a weird so it freaked her out a little bit but I mean you kind of get that reaction

when you're everywhere don't you went to a restaurant that the taxi driver recommended and on google had four and a half stars reviews. Great. It might have been the worst food I've ever had in my entire life.

What cuisine? It tasted like carpet, all of it. The beef? What was the actual cuisine? Was it just restaurant? I got fajitas. It was a grill. It was a bar and grill.

I got fajitas. The beef tasted like cardboard and not even like beef-flavored cardboard. Just like cardboard, cardboard. Horrific. The gig was lovely. The journey, the boat, the boat was hilarious.

I felt like I was on a float on Mecha Bingo. What is it? It's not Nelson. What's the town called? What's the capital? Douglas. Douglas, that's it.

Yeah. Because the boat from Liverpool doesn't go to Levenon, we had to drive to Haysham near Lancaster to get the boat from there. And then the next morning had to get the boat back to Haysham and drive home Levenon. We had to drive to Haysham near Lancaster to get the boat from there and then the next morning had to get the boat back to Haysham

and drive home from Lancaster. The Haysham Douglas route. That old famous route. Yeah. The atmosphere on the island is just like scary. Everything's grey

and like you feel like everyone's going to kill you. And it was beautiful. You know like on a sunny day when you're in a town or a city and everyone's in a good mood

like people are like you can sit with me. Like people are just constantly like bouncing around the city in his head right there was none of that it was really sunny and nice but like everyone looked really sad have you seen the hills have eyes yeah two yeah well the eyes were closed they were tired they were fucking bored what is the history of the isle of man Man why are they all there I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous they all migrated from North Africa

in the late 1800s okay cool isn't it a tax haven low on the gaff because they all have lovely cars right loads of McLarens

but no one was smiling that's great what are the jobs I don't like I literally don't I don't get it it's not even that far off is it

there's a guy who's got a job at Haitian which is to get you off the boat and onto a bus the most unnecessary bus I don't get it. It's not even that far off, is it? There's a guy who's got a job at Haitian, which is to get you off the boat and onto a bus, the most unnecessary bus. I'm not even messing. The bus drives 50 yards.

50, 60 yards. But you're not allowed to walk it. From car park to ferry? No, from ferry to ferry terminal. All right. Well, like in an airport. Do you remember? You're not allowed to,

like you're not allowed. We went, we're just going to walk. He went, onto the bus! And that's how he said it. And then you have to wait 15 minutes for everyone to get on the bus for it to take four seconds to get to where it's going. Oh, man.

He's not exaggerating. It's less than 30 seconds in the thing. It's less than 100 yards. Now, add a two-hour boat journey at 8 a.m. onto that feeling. Oh, my God. So you got to Douglas at 10 a.m.? No. less than 100 yards no add a two hour boat journey at 8am onto that feeling oh my god so you got to Douglas at 10am

no so we got the we got the boat from Haysham at at lunchtime got there at 2 checked in went and had some food

went and did the gig hotel alright normal yeah it was alright just a B&B alright okay not a premier or anything like that

like B&B little B&B sounds a bit Royston Vasey it doesn't sound a bit league of gentle that's yeah that's the general exactly that yeah is it league of gentlemen um then the next you lied to me edward there is a swansea oh god fucking love the next morning that was the 8am so we had to get up at half six breakfast very briefly at seven get the taxi to the terminal uh boat at eight i've never

been this tired in my entire the room we were in inexplicably was the hottest bedroom and it wasn't hot outside or in the hallway it was like our walls were on fire it'd be less hot if it was on fire so didn't sleep very well i had to get up that early tried to sleep on the boat but I can't really sleep unless I'm in perfect like conditions got back to Liverpool and he's called me

a needy sleeper before got back to Liverpool had to do a quick interview on the radio for the footy because they wanted an expert then picked my car up had to go to Manchester

and get me a suit for Paul Smith's wedding which is going to need all of a sudden then went to Sheffield watched the first half of the game while Thomas Green was opening for me, and then did a 50-minute version of my now hour and 20-minute show

so that I could catch the last 10 minutes of the match. But it was a wonderful show. Thanks for coming, Sheffield. Thanks for coming. I didn't cut any bits out. You just did it. I just rollicked. I just didn't stop talking for 55 minutes.

51 it was. Like, it was a great show, and they were loving everything. Everything was an applause break. Everything. Yeah. Trying to cut down the applause break. Sheffield, great.

I'm loving that you're loving it. Let's cut down the applause break. What I'm looking for is nods. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good, good. Next bit. Can we cut this down? Listen, you like to laugh.

I like to hear it but tonight I'm not so sure how are you are you on tour because right so

I start my preview run in May I'm going to do a couple in May a few in June in fact this would be a good chance to go I'm going to put all my previews

on a page called danspreviews.com Matthew our wonderful tech superino geek has sorted that out for me just to make it that simple so my tour tickets are on danspreviews.com keep it easier

danspreviews.com and I've got the King's Arms in Salford I've got one in Ambleside for Pete Ot, I've got one at the King's Arms in Salford. I've got one in Ambleside for Pete Otway. I've got one in Birkenhead. They're running, I'm in Hull in August. I'm in Preston in September. I'm basically, as those previews start happening, I'm coming off the circuit. That's me off the circuit. And then through the tour, I'm not doing a circuit gig. So if you want to see me, it's just previews or the tour are you just doing the tour is this you just a minute yeah oh well i haven't got nights to not to do anything else right so

i've had a combination of like and let's i know we're joking about it i'm going to as many live pool games as possible like i'm taking finn away to villa real next week because i want someone to go with me. Right. Did you just plan to go to Villarreal without a ticket on your own? Yeah. Oh, my God. No fingers to go.

What a lucky boy. Best job in the world. But I'm going to as many as possible. So when I'm not gigging, if there's a Liverpool game, I'm going to the game, and I don't care whether it's in fucking Anfield, Spain, Torquay, anywhere. I've also got a couple of weddings coming up's in fucking Anfield, Spain, Torquay, anywhere.

I've also got a couple of weddings coming up in May. Anfield, Spain, or Torquay? We've conquered the lot. Torquay away. There you go. Champions League finals have been moved to Torquay. It's a surprise for the people of Devon. You all know I've already got my tickets, my flights, and my hotel booked for Paris in case we get there.

I'm going to as many as I possibly can. Got your tickets for Torquay? Go on. Yeah, got me Torquay? Go on. Yeah, got me Torquay tickets. Preseason friendly. Gold dust, mate. Not a lot of Liverpool fans have got the Torquay tickets. So, at the start of the tour,

when it was just mainly, like, sort of Thursday, Friday, Saturdays, I was going down to Hot Water on a Monday or a Wednesday and just talking shit and saying something that I'm not saying on the tour because I quite like writing the next tour while I'm still doing the quarterfinal.

You came and did new bits for me at phase one. Exactly. Just new I'm not saying on the tour because I quite like writing the next tour while I'm still doing the quarter-final. You came and did new bits for me at phase one. Exactly. Just new stuff that's not on the tour. I just like fucking around. But I just haven't got time at the minute.

And I can't really say it on this, but I signed a thing yesterday to do a documentary that's in pre-production. I've took the role of that. That's going to start in May. That goes into June. Adam, you're off the circuit.

For now, yeah. July, I'll be back. No, but... Do you reckon? Back, back. No, but you are off the circuit. Isn't it? Yeah.

I don't need the circuit ever again. But I'll go... I'll tell you what, if you'd have told, I think that's where you were going anyway. When we sat down to do the first one of these we did the pilot in december 2019 your trajectory was these tours were going to grow you like i i had full belief that you were going to end up on live at the apollo and whatnot and eventually that

means you're off the circuit i never thought i was coming up but like i think what off the circuit means is you're not booking in work at circuit comedy clubs on a weekend because you need to live off that income yeah like the whole thing of doing the gigs is what real comedians do to keep sharp and i'll always do that but like i think just i've just realized just recently i'm like holy shit i am off the circuit oh yeah we don't need the circuit anymore it's i need the circuit anymore I need the circuit not for work but for to get the show ready

so in July I will what I'll do in July once I've got a little bit of time to myself so when my tour ends the end of June on the 25th

on the 26th if I'm not hung over no I will be hung over because I will go out that night on the 27th I'm going to fly to Monaco

and I'm going to have a week in the south of France on my own and onth, I'm going to fly to Monaco and I'm going to have a week in the south of France on my own and on the Saturday I'm going to meet you in Perpignan and go to the rugby. Nice.

But I'm going to have a week in the south of France on me, Todd. Just drinking rosé wine wearing white tops and white shorts and white shoes.

Just looking at water. Is that the man from Del Monte? He said yes. Still fucking pissed from the quadruple. Stain. When I get back, in July, what I'll do is, for the first few weeks,

I probably won't book any weekend gigs in. I'm laughing at that. It's just literally, I don't know. I don't know if it's the podcast or whatever, but there's just something about, I always laugh at the lad from Dovey. He's like, yeah,

when I finish my tour, my record-breaking tour, I'm going to be wearing all white for no reason apart from, in my head, that looks classy, in where? The south of France.

On team. Can. Nice. Monaco. Pissed. On me own. Finn. I can't wait for that conversation.

Finn, shut up. Finn, how much can you afford to pay to a week in France with me? For no reason. And do you have any white clothing? Have you got an espadrille guy? I need espadrilles. I'm going to hire a Porsche with a fucking convertible top and drive. Oh, don't die

in the fucking south of France. Not like Carnu. No, I'm not going like Carnu. Is Carnu dead? Carnu died. First of April he died in the Marseille mountains. Yeah, that's south of France. No one can quote. No one can quote. Carnu died in of April he died In the It was the Marseille mountains Yeah that's south of France Nguyen Quo Nguyen Quo Carnu Died in a car crash

On the first of April In the mountainous region Of Marseille Survived by his wife And two children Are you telling me Nguyen Quo Carnu's dead? Are you

They're not Is he dead? No every year On April Fool's Day Carl texts me saying Carnu's died In a car crash In the French mountains Oh you can't do that to me I thought Nguyen Quo's died in a car crash in the French Mountains.

Oh, you can't do that to me. I thought no one called Carno was dead. Show me the reader. I copy and paste. I just copy and paste it. Why? He's done this every year since year nine. And he's never once missed it. So Reuters is

the source. Oh, because that sounds good because it's not a newspaper but it is a really trusted source isn't it news coming out of Marseille indicates that ex-Arsenal and Portsmouth footballer

Nwanko Kanu like Reuters Portsmouth as well though yeah yeah has been fatally injured in a late night road traffic accident reports say the incident

occurred around 10.34 local time in the mountainous region of the city eyewitnesses say the 43 year old Nigerian loss control was fear panda 10.34 local time in the mountainous region of the city. Eyewitnesses say the 43-year-old Nigerian lost control of his fear panda going around a tight bend

on the mountain road. Canu is survived by his wife and infant child. Arsenal are yet to release a statement on the matter. More to follow. Nice. The mountainous regions of Marseille?

Yeah. Every year. Famous port. 18 years he's been doing that. I love it how that's the bit that I'm like Absolutely ridiculous The day he dies

None of us will believe it Yeah But in July I was really sad about that When we come back from doing the rugby In Perpignan I will then go For the first few weeks of July

I will go to hot water Three or four nights a week And do I will talk some shit And three or four nights a week and do, I will talk some shit. And then my first weekend I've got booked in is the last weekend in July I'm at the store in London. And that'll be my first go of, right, here's the new 20 for three nights, five shows. Oh, I'm very excited about doing all the long form stuff. I'm finding tour gigs because now I'm at the point where I've got all this material i've got 80 odd minutes of stuff maybe not maybe it's going to

grow to that when i'm doing circuit gigs i'm trying to develop new stuff i'm trying to throw in the new bit and go well maybe i'll do this chunk um and it's not enough 20 minutes is circuit that now when it will be great is post tour. You dump the stuff, you record the special, you know that that's going online in January, February or whatever, all the materials dumped. So you go to new material nights. So you start carving out by that first circuit gig to have 20 that's ready

will be a fucking achievement. I'm at the complete opposite end of the scale. Now haven't started previewing. I've got too much stuff. I want the full, I want a full preview i'm dying to run out an hour and a half of material because i've got that much that i need to polish up and decide what's in and what's not the total opposite is when you get to like oh it's it i find it really it's like i'm excited for you for doing it and also for me

when you're like you just can't use any of it as a crutch because you can't go oh like I don't know any of the stuff that you know is the best bits you can't use

so that is the most exciting thing about being a like developing new stuff isn't it when you go fuck we're going to have to live

and die by this newer stuff that's very exciting that was also weird about the Isle of Man references sorry to call it back well surely they'd get it more

they got the same TV and everything haven't they no they didn't get certain things that like I was self editing

and you know when you're doing a set and you're self editing because you know they haven't got certain references and you're like oh they're not going

to get this bit they're not going to get that bit there's just certain stuff that they a lot of stuff you know you know what

like racist people call like a corner shop yeah they don't know what that is right because they've never had any yes a bit lost well I am looking forward to hearing that bit of material

though yeah it's probably one of the best lines in the show well Adam you have teased that beautifully because now I'm enjoying it is my favorite line in the show right okay and it and i i've started closing on it and like last night in sheffield it gets a huge round of applause i'm like good night sheffield in the island man they went and i went his face emptied cool oh one more bit then yeah because they have a Northern Irish guy that's got a news agent

and that's their equivalent. What do they call that? I don't know, but you know what I mean? Actually, that's very offensive. Don't use the P word. No. Wow, so they weren't into it. They just didn't get it.

They just didn't get it. They wanted to laugh. They just didn't get it. Yeah. You know what three pastels were? Shut up now. Come on. You don't know what three pastels were. There was a couple of references that just didn't get it. Yeah. You know what three pastels were? Shut up now, come on. I don't know what three pastels were. There was a couple of references that they didn't really get.

They're from the Maldives, aren't they? Yeah, I got them recently as a present. But yeah, it was weird, like, they're going, I don't know what that is. And it was like the most mundane of things. Like a chalk ice. Is there any stuff from your tour, your tour show,

that you are doing and enjoying, but you know sort of relies on them being on board, switched on, into the comedy? Like, you know, the difference between the stuff you do in Edinburgh that you know is a little bit more esoteric and just honest and you're taking a bit of a risk with it.

Is there any stuff that you have in this that you couldn't do on the circuit? It's all funny, funny, but there's bits where... So the answer is yes, but I've still been doing them on the circuit anyway. To harden them up. So there's a couple of bits where like, it's my favourite type of stand-up where it's like,

here's something you don't really love the concept of, and here's the justification of it. And on a circuit gig, that can be a bit of a battle, because they're like, we don't want to think about it. But I'm like, no, no, no. I'm using the circuit now.

These are good bits. These are the best bits. And if you listen, you'll love it. And there might, might like there's the i've got a routine about sort of around the subject of domestic abuse in in this year's which on a friday and saturday night you know when it's fucking jemma's birthday like but it but it it wouldn't be in me tour show if it didn't work in the circuit no that's my that's my policy with writing tours now is if I can't get it to work in a club,

at least to a decent level, I won't put it in the tour show. Apologies to the people of Newtonley Willows. On Thursday night, I went and closed the gig. Because you live there and it's shit. It's not, actually. Surprisingly. I remember it being shit.

It was actually quite a nice little spot. But I had the best first 15 minutes of a circuit gig I've had for ages I had to pause so they could have a little calm down you know when you're like

oh I am I'm the king of Newtley Willows now which isn't St. Lote it's a little town in between Manchester and Liverpool Newtley Willows and I

I was like cool I'm going to do that 10 minutes about addiction and therapy that I've got in the tour doing that like chopping it up on the therapy that I've got in the tour. Doing that, like, chopping it up on the tour. Wow, they were not in the mood already for that.

I have never taken the, I thought, like, literally sixth gear, 15 minutes in, where they were like, ha, ha, ha. You know that laugh where you need to let them sort of deflate a little bit? There has to be a collective sort of like, ha, ha, just going to calm down a little bit and i was like cool i've got these exactly where i want them i'll do that bit about addiction within one or two bits of the addiction but they were like uh it was so bad it was so much and i rode it out i rode it out trying to get it right because i'm trying to get that stuff sharp and by the end i was like cool i'm not going to talk about that anymore i apologize

they're like, thank you. So funny when you're gigging with the tour in mind and then all of a sudden you're like, yeah, I should have. If they'd have done about, who loves wanking? They'd be like, we do. It would have worked so much better. I really enjoyed when I did that Ukraine benefit a couple of weeks ago at the Manchester Apollo on a star-studded bill of sort of up-and-coming great acts.

You've got a bit of a following. You've got Manfred,-coming great acts. You've got a bit of a following. You've got Manfred, who's very mainstream. You've got a couple of old-school guys like Les Dennis and Mick Miller and stuff. Joe Pasquale. Joe Pasquale was on. I went on that crowd and did me the best I could do stuff. And I didn't have any time to build a relationship

with the audience. I just went on and went, and it worked. And it was great. And that was me going, no, I know what I'm doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, you're not trying that, no, I know what I'm doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, you're not trying that for the, you've got that stuff sharp. Yeah, yeah. It's a bit different when it's earlier in its development.

How were, I'm a big fan of watching those old boys. I really love it. Mate, Mick Miller. First of all, he might be the soundest person I've ever spoke to backstage. He asked me for like four photos. He kept going, come here lad, get in with me. Is this guy else Mick Miller? Yeah.

This guy's been gigging since the 60s. Me, you and Joe Pasquale, get in. Me, you and Vegas, come on. Come over here. Me, you and Manford. Come on, lad. Just constantly. Watching him on stage i love watching an old school comic like him because there's a thing with old school comedians where oh they all used to share jokes

but mick miller is one of the ones who he's like no we don't these are mine yeah don't be nicking me bits i'm old school and they're jokey jokes and there was a couple i can't do them on this because there is bits but i'll tell you as soon as we hit pause on that so so stupid and funny and i love his old noddy routine that he didn't do also if you want to watch that that's not us like doing this secretly i can't say it like on youtube mcmillan if you're younger you might genuinely have not heard of him all the comics bits on the podcast yeah totally he's a uh he's a comedian that was you know when they talk about the comedians in the uk like roy walker and uh i'm gonna try and get his number all of the old

boys i want me on the comedy geek in me i fucking love it katie mulgrew my my really good mate her dad is jimmy cricket yeah and watching him i mean their wedding was amazing because he did the father of the bride speech and it was a 20 minute set it was a 20 minute set we might as well have given him a red light because he it wasn't he was like oh katie's getting married katie's getting married and then just did bit after bit after bit after bit and katie afterwards was like yeah it's in a way it's sort of sad but it's also it was fun as a comedian he couldn't resist i've got a make i've got a crowd here it goes it was fucking brilliant i love watching the old boys do their stuff i think and i love that about mick i didn't know that about mick miller that he wrote his bits and

then got very defensive about them no i just i i didn't know that till then right and he was like i heard him just reference someone else like oh no he fucking nicks his bits and i just i i didn't know that till then right and he was like i heard him just reference someone else like oh no he fucking nicks his bits and i just heard him say something like that and i was like oh you're an old school guy who was on that era of no this is our fucking stuff like his noddy routine the radio presenter who does the noddy show who's an alcoholic just pause the podcast yeah you're on youtube already maybe Maybe, unless you're an audio. Go and watch it. Go and watch him do his alcoholic radio presenter who does the Noddy Show for kids. Have you ever seen it?

No. Oh my God. So good. We're having a break, so I can show Dan that. Go and watch it. I love the old guys. I'd love to watch them in their pomp. All right, we're going to have a little watch of this.

Watch it yourself. What are they searching? Mick Millen, Noddy. Just in their pomp. All right, we're going to have a little watch of this. Watch it yourself. What are they searching? Mechmill and Noddy. Just put that in. All right. It's time to talk about trimming your piobs. It absolutely is. Summer's coming.

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it's a shame the way you mess around with my heart you're getting said to me you know you know what it's another fact it's a little person it's just

hearing them words again it's doing my head in it's just stuck in my head i can't turn in the bar put another Liverpool song in my head and maybe it'll overtake it

go on sing one I don't know Bobby Firmino he's got brown legs he can enter the ball from across wallop goal 2-0

Bobby Firmino he's got lovely brown legs he scores a goal he scores it with his tags tags teeth oh yeah that was quite good do you have any questions he scores a goal he scores it with his heads tags teeth

oh yeah that was quite good do you have any questions shove your fucking questions oh yes we saw the question the other day that was funny that only relates to you

because you had only a person with a wife what oh Laura loves being talked about loves it loves it when I talk about the old sex life so here's the question

right hi babe it's not sex life don't old sex life so here's the question right hi babe it's not sex life don't worry okay here's a question right laura comes in and is like i've got a fantasy uh you get a phone call laura's been kidnapped you get a phone call and someone's like i've got your wife and i'm gonna bang bang bang i'm gonna shoot in the head right they say they say those words so he's yeah so the guys so i've got your wife and they say bang bang bang i'm gonna shoot it in the head and i go is that two pints reference and they go yeah did you uh you've got 30 minutes to get here and negotiate. Oh, do you know what I love? In both comedy and wife abductions,

a local abduction. Because honestly, if they were like, we've got her and she's in Worcester, I'd be like, oh, that's the end of that marriage then, isn't it? Yeah. I'm not going past Birmingham to save a wife. So she's under, she's in a tunnel in Wigan. All right, cool. They're quite specific about where she is.

So where am I getting there? Am I going to go M56, M6, or am I going to go over the... No, the M6 is a nightmare because you're going to 6 o'clock. Oh, I'm going Mersey Flow then. That's two quid already. It's in the balances, isn't it? I've got Fast Tag on. Paul, it's a lovely evening.

It's a lovely evening. Nice. You're in your car. Summer's Eve's the question your windows are down you're on your way to rescue your wife would you hang on am i going to rescue her with good am i a left girl or am i just going to give them the money you're going to save your wife that's all you know that's all you know you just know you've got to get there so you don't know whether you've got to fight or pay yeah right that's the tagline of the film windows are down it's like fight or fight but a bit more of a like tory option is it fight or pay here's the question you listen to music on the way uh are you with me Because I don't need music

Because you'd just be saying You're a good sense of me And I will save your fucking wife You know he said so You're in love with her And she's in peril I'm so glad That she's not fucking dead

It's a beautiful eve Like this You know what I mean You know You did the Zep 4 as well Oh come on Come on Are you listening to music

And if you are Are you listening to music That pumps you up Or music that calms you down And you're like going To like collapse by Eminem Collapse I'm spilling these raps

Long as I fill it To the day that I drop You never say That I'm not killing him Or you're going like Something in the air this morning Something in the air that's mine to breathe Something's got me feeling tall

As the leaves fall as down beneath my sleeve Shout out Jamie Great day, the strange ways To make me feel alive You're veering in Osweins, yeah He's in a good mood Are you listening to music? I don't think You're Viren and Oswain's, yeah. Oh, he's in a good mood. Are you listening to music?

I don't think... Right, I don't think... I don't... No. I don't think I'm in... Like, as, you know, as a lovely evening as it is, I don't know if that is... Surely you'd be...

I'd be on the Bluetooth ringing round. Would I be not getting the... No, they've said If you use your phone She's dead Oh Jesus You can use it for Spotify though You can use it for Spotify Luckily I'm 421

And I have a Selection of CDs In a wallet Would you put your top down? I can't drive the Z I very rarely drive the Z4 With anything but I'm like That's why I bought it.

So I just like... But then again, you have to wait a good 90 seconds, doesn't it? Oh my God, Laura, I'm coming. Get in the Z4 and then go... I'm coming, baby. I signed the roof. That's just him, isn't it? It was him.

You're not listening to music no I'm not I don't know if I'm going I don't know What am I going to do I haven't got that much money available Negotiate I can't I'm going to negotiate

With your fists Can't we do that on the phone You're right What do you need I need you here Well COVID I need you to get down Wig and mate

And save your wife From Lancashire, okay. No, I don't think I'm listening. I think I'd just be like, oh, I'm taking it really seriously. I really am. She's a patron, guys. She is a patron. This is a public episode.

I'll be there. Oh, so she won't listen then. That's how that works. Once you're a patron, you don't listen to public episodes. What would you do? I'd have music on. Would you? Yeah. Right. I'd would you do? I'd have music on. Would you? Yeah.

Right. I'd have really, like, jarring music on. I'd have, like, the cheeky girls on. Jar real. Cheeky girls? Yeah. Jarring. You'd have the cheeky girls on.

Or, like, the fast food song. How does it go? Ah, pizza hut, ah, pizza hut. You took a fried chicken and a pizza hut. Yeah. Yeah. McDonald's, McDonald's, I took a fried chicken and a pizza hut yeah yeah McDonald's McDonald's and took a fried chicken

and a pizza hut is that to get riled up so like that's like your eight mile yeah I'm really happy music just put me in a good mood

so when I arrive I'm like so they're not angry and they don't take me the wrong way would you not want to be angry though because you're going to save your I'd have to be scarier

if you turned up just smiling in a good mood. Hiya mate, you know what, you've got my wife. Go ahead, it's a bath. Turned up like a

kids TV presenter. Hello, hello, how are you? Just turned up like Mr. Tumble to an abduction. Yeah, that would actually be quite freaky.

You're dressed in like, oh yeah. I think I'm Mr. Tumble but get any fucking lippy I'm eating I'm turning into Mr. Tumble, but get any fucking lippier, mate, and I'm turning into Mr. fucking Rumble. Let that sit.

Nah, I'm not, I can't, you can't do the music. Mr. Rumble. Do you want to, oh, should we do it again?

Just, do you think I, you might think I'm like Mr. Tumble, mate, but get any lippier, I'll turn into Mr. Rumble. See you in the comments. Fucking Autumn's a genius I saw him at the

I love man in a shop are you worried about Paul's wedding and the old the titties and the gut I'm a little bit I got me shoe fitted yesterday right so Paul has got a wedding party tits and the gut. I'm a little bit... I got my suit fitted yesterday. Right.

He hasn't... So Paul has got a wedding party of 11 groomsmen or something like that. Yeah. And instead of going to a tailor where they measure you and then make the suits, he's just gone to a shop that's got set sizes. Which we talked about when he was here. Yeah.

So I went and got it on. Waistcoat fits perfectly. But, you know, I hadn't had a three-course meal when I tried it on. Okey-doke. This suit fits absolutely perfectly at 8 in the morning. But you already have to piss. The jacket is very, very, very close to perfect.

But I need the sleeves taken up a little bit because I've only got dinky arms. Okay, good. The pants I need to take up a little bit because I've got dinky legs as well. The shirt fits. The tie fits. The pants, I need to take up a little bit because I've got drinking legs as well. The shirt fits. The tie fits. The tie fits. You know you're a fat cunt if the tie doesn't fit.

I don't think there's much you can do in the next week and a half. Yeah, lad, I'm going to need a bigger tie. But I'm just going to do what I always do when I need to lose weight. I don't need to lose weight for this. I could wear it and it'd be absolutely fine. But I just want a little bit of space. So I've decided... Yeah, but you're single at a wedding. You need to be looking fucking... I'm going to be trim for this suit. I could wear it and it'd be absolutely fine. But I just want a little bit of space. So I've decided... Yeah, but you're single

at a wedding. You need to be looking fucking... I'm going to be trim for that wedding. I'm going to starve myself for the next eight days, apart from in Villareal when me and him get swatted. Apart from the day and a half before you. Oh, I am honestly nil by mouth. Apart from Guinness,

because it's good for you. 28 units a day is what my doctor said. My doctor is Dr Guinness. Hello, Adam. You're a very healthy man. I know. Kiss me. You don't usually get appointments on the NHS, but Dr Guinness... Guinness in Spain.

What? You can't drink Guinness in Spain. Yesterday, yeah, isn't it? No, it's Madri now. Madri's the one. Oh, yeah, you're into it, yeah? Samig. Madri. Yeah, I have one oh yeah you know too yeah Sam Migg Madri yeah I have to admit that part of this trying to lose a bit of

weight has got the wedding in mind I have got the wedding in mind just I don't know something about a big event where you don't want to look like a right fat what

are you doing anything for it sorry Carl I was being no you look you look really well. I haven't even bought my suit yet. See, I haven't bought the shirt because I've got the jacket,

but I haven't bought the shirt. I'm planning to buy... The wedding's at two. I might be buying the shirt at about half eleven. Oh, what? What? What?

Poohed? Have you shot yourself? Oh, my God. You're going to win the Premier League? I haven't registered my new car for the bridge. Oh, Adamo owes £10 million. I've been driving for, what, four weeks?

Oh, my God. Two weeks a week? Two ways a day? Adam owes £10 million. Adam. Adam. You owe Runcorn Council so much money. I reckon they're going to be signing with me

and just let me pay what I owe like fee wise because I've been a loyal customer oh yeah a customer of the bridge yeah they really care

about that no but I've gone and I count if I ring up and go mate I've fucked up this happened last time I don't know do you remember this

where did it get in your head when we were like yeah we've got to lose weight for the wedding oh the mercy flow do you want to know how my brain went? Go on.

Car was half right. So I was going to take my suit this morning to get it altered and leave it and then pick it up when I get back at the weekend. But I'll just take it tomorrow before I go to London. I live in town, so I can just take it somewhere in town. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All makes sense. So I went, oh, you didn't take your suit to get it done.

What else haven't you done? You haven't done that. You haven't done that. You haven't done the fucking car How many times do you think By the way If you The Mersey flow

Is the new Runcorn bridge Scam There's no toll Boat booth on it You just drive over But you have to pay it online You've got about The point you drive over

They're very fair like this Upon the point you drive over It takes all your details And then you have Eight minutes To pay it online And then It's ten times more How much is the fine Forty quid Upon the point you drive over, it takes all your details, and then you have eight minutes to pay online. And then it's 10 times more. How much is the fine?

40 quid. Yeah, and I have done that journey. It's 20 quid. 20 quid's the fine for one crossing. If you go over and back, it's 40. You've done that journey 10, 12 times. So a while ago, right, I changed my bank card, and it didn't update on my account. So I had like four fines. I was like, I've got an account. And she was like, right, I changed my bank card and it didn't update on me account.

So I had like four fines. I was like, I've got an account. And she was like, right, I'll cancel them because it has auto-renewed the thing. And I was like, right. So if I ring them up and go, look, I just forgot to put my new car on it. Just have it.

As you can see, I'm a loyal customer. I've been using this bridge for fucking two and a half years. Loyal customer. I could have used one of the other many bridges over the Mersey I'll remember

threats yeah yeah it's got threats it's not really your thing threats is it no but if they go it's usually you're paying the fines

I didn't think you wanted your bridge blowing up you've got over 400 pounds of fines what about 350 quid In a brown paper bag. No. Old fucking rowdy

bunk. I'll pay you the £2. It costs each way. Or there will be no bridge. No, please. We'll get involved. We'll be using that green one again. Alright. How are you going to blow up the bridge? How are you going to... Yeah, there you go. How are you going to blow up the bridge? Building a bomb is easy.

Yeah. You'd need numerous though. What? You'd need 15 to 20 bombs. I don't need to bring the bridge down. I just need to make it unusable. Oh, right. I don't need to do structural damage. I just need to blow up a fear punto.

Well, they're going to move the fear punto, aren't they? No, not if I blow it up in the middle of the bridge. It puts a big hole in the floor. But then it's structural damage. I don't need the bridge to the middle of the bridge and put a big hole in the floor. But then it's unstructural damage, yeah? I don't need the bridge to fall down, I mean,

I just need to put a hole in the floor. Okay, cool. I like it how you're trying to look after the long-term health of the bridge.

Just want them to do damage, not, you know, I want them to be like, oh, we better make sure that doesn't happen again.

I don't want to have to use that fucking green bridge to get here. Right. So I want the bridge to still be fixable for them to know who's boss

the boss of the bridge hey people of Runcorn shit yourself if you're going over that bridge and you're like is that a troll and you can hear because he's trying to blow it up he's up to something the fines haven't gone his way

I just want to say to Mersey Flo right now you just let me pay what I actually owe, not these fines. Yeah. And all of your family will be fine. Also, we know mavers.

I did that in Japanese for you. Just in case there's any Japanese members of the council of Roncorn. The council of Roncorn. Your families will remain unharmed as long as you just, you know,

you do as you're told. Definitely illegal. What? Definitely illegal. I didn't put anyone's name on it. Debbie. Definitely a Debbie. 60 to 70% chance

there's a Debbie working. Listen, Debbie, you fucking bitch. Oh. Cancel me fines now. Oh, God. Aye, aye, aye. Cancel me fines now. You made up woman. Or I will nuke that bridge. And your kids.

Nice. You're going to nuke it. I don't want to do structural damage. I'm just going to nuke it. Fiat Punto. A little nuke though. Anyone sees Adam buying a Fiat Punto? I've got some fucking plutonium. When are you going to remember that you forgot?

I don't know. Just keep us up to date. Watch this. This will be a running feature. Adam remembering every two months. Oh, shit. 22 grand. Ah.

Got a little pain in me face then. Right. And you're living to 90, are you? Good luck with that? Good luck with that Good luck with that lad Like me jaw muscle Erm Hey

Hey Hey Okay it's exciting Podding with this Isn't it? Exciting isn't it? Someone's asked for some advice Craig says Wag wag lids I'm doing a skydive At the end of the month podding with this. Isn't he? Exciting, isn't he? Someone's asked for some advice.

Craig says, Wag wag lids. I'm doing a skydive at the end of the month and I can't help but obsess over shit going wrong and it makes me a bit more nervous than I expected. I've done zip lines

over gorges, bungee jumps and a few other similar things which I've always enjoyed so this seemed like another good thing to tick off the list. As it gets closer,

this seems on another level. I booked the highest one that was available to 15,000 feet. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Have you guys done or plan to do any adrenaline style activities on your bucket list? And do you have any advice for settling my nerves and helping me to enjoy the experience as best I can? I suspect Adam will say to have a bevy and don't be a puss-puss, but it's worth a shot anyway. Cheers, lids. Much love.

Robbo in Durham. You will never, ever feel better in your life than if you just cancel this. Yeah, just stand on the ground. The immediate euphoria you will feel from emailing these people and going, I'm not doing it. It's almost like doing a skydive. A lot of people say that, you not doing it it's almost like doing a skydive a lot of people say that you know it's on the bucket that would feel better than surviving a skydive that's the aim of a skydive i survived it that's not the terminology that anyone uses

i've done a skydive no you've survived it but i'm actually i'm actually a skydive cancellation survivor ring ring i don't want to do it. I live. Just cancel it. Just do not do it. Why? Why does anyone do this stuff? Have you ever done a bungee jump? What are you on about? I don't like being on a trampoline.

Right. Do you know? No. They're not related. He's just telling you. What are you doing for charity, Adam? Going on a trampoline yeah

don't mind the pogo yeah from before my thing with bungee jumps is I don't know my eyes popping out I just don't want to be

hung upside down for ages I just don't want to be on a big fucking elastic band hanging off a mountain yeah that's the bit

that they don't show you isn't it when they just have to pull it up do they pull you up up or they lower you they lower it down depends where you are that was so you stop bouncing and then they lower it down why would what's the point the only the best thing that can happen is you survive yeah i think that's it that's what you're hoping for with a bungee jump or a skydive is you don't die and you could die. If I said to you, put that kettle on,

there's a 10% chance you'll die by putting the kettle on. Would you put the kettle on? What type of kettle is that? 10%. One in 10 people die. One in 10 people die putting the kettle on. Joe, why eat? The people who climb buildings and hang off them.

Oh, look. Why eat? No. That's it. Free climbers. Yeah, they climb buildings and just hang off them. Oh, look. Why? No. That's it. Free climbers. Yeah, they climb buildings and then hang off the edge. And then go, ah, look.

Hey. What for? Exactly. What are you doing? That's what. Just go to pub. Just, that's my advice.

Go to pub. Whatever money you're going to spend on this, spend it on Guinness and baby Guinness for you and your closest friends. You'll have a fucking much better day and no one will die. Certainly a lot less likely.

Yeah, and don't use the kettle. You never know. You could be one of those one in ten. Fucking bullshit. I, uh... Would you do this kind of gear? I've done zip wire and over, like, rainforest. I'm going to do a skydive, yeah. I want to do a kind of gear I've done zip wire And over like rainforest I'm gonna do a skydive

Yeah I wanna do a skydive Why Explain to me Is there an age limit That's not me being rude Get to fuck Tell me

No but is there You horrible rat Is there an age limit How old are you What like a ride You know when your kids are Your kids are old And they're like

Oh fuck you know You this old ID me It gets older As it goes lower. Hey, sorry, Gran. Can I see some ID? Get to the fork.

Well, surely you can't do a skydive if you're 80. Can your picksmaker manage this, Dan? If you're 80, your limbs will just snap on a bungee jump. Oldest person to ever do a skydive. There must be a world record for it.

If this is 40 or lower. I'm going to say 78. I'd say 90. Really? Yeah, yeah, 90. Really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 103? And he died three quarters of the way down.

Wow. He was tandem though, so he was just like hanging on to someone else doing a skydive. That's not a skydive though. Yeah. Yeah. No, you're hanging on to someone who's doing a skydive. You're attached to a man.

It's a sky hug. Yeah. We send our condolences. It's a sky spooning, isn't it? Yeah. Getting bummed in here. The oldest solo parachute jump was a lady who was 80. There you go.

Right, so if I do a skydive strapped to an instructor, it's a good practice. You're telling me I've not done a skydive? That's like skydiving lessons, isn't it? Yeah. That's what it is, basically. Yeah. Yeah. me i've not done a skydive that's like skydiving lessons in it yeah sky cuddles what it is basically yeah yeah yeah you're gonna have felt and like feel like you've done a skydive are you on the back or the front you don't piggyback on a sky you do it in the front so he's bumming you in the sky you're getting sky bummed on right how much is this can i ask you a genuine question if

what if he stuck his dick in me? I can see so far. Why do you want to do this? I think it sounds exciting, doesn't it? It sounds like a thrill. I'd love to see, I don't know, that amazing view. Have you been to Everton, bro? Put a tub of ale. Yeah.

It's the same. Dan, do you have the same view as in the plane? Yeah. In fact, it's better. The view gets worse the further you dive. There's nothing that appeals.

Nothing that appeals to you. I'd do a skydive if someone knocked me out and woke me up as I was jumping out. I'd be like, okay, I'm doing it now. Yeah, but you'd do anything if someone knocked you unconscious.

Like, you'd do a gang rape if someone knocked you unconscious and you woke up just as you were about to get raped. You know Carl Sane, he would say before it, go on, punch me head in, and then wake me up. I don't think Carl would do it. I don't know why I went with gang rape. You'd do a gang rape if you were asleep. I don't think Carl would be like,

sign me up for that gang rape, but knock me out first. All right, okay. But the whole shitting yourself going up and looking out, if I was there, I'd be like, I think doing it would be like sign me up for that gang but knock me out first alright okay but like the whole like shitting yourself going up and looking out if I was there I'd be like I think doing it would be cool

but the bit before would be the rough bit I think it's a it's a bucket list thing isn't it it's a I don't know what's on your bucket list

apparently yours is go to the pub drink Guinness that's my bucket list every day on fucking life dreams tick tick tick 28 times a fucking day I can't do any daredevil stuff for your bucket list. Every day. I'm fucking life dreams. Tick, tick, tick. 28 times a fucking day.

I can't. Do you do any daredevil stuff for your bucket list? No. Nothing. I wonder if I had like a terminal disease. I'm dying anyway. I'd do a skydive then. Genuinely.

What, and cut your own fucking... No, I'd be like, well, I'm dying anyway. So if I die now, what have I lost? Yeah. A couple of weeks. You could argue... Yeah, okay. Right. I like the idea of that sort of stuff. Would you do like... yeah couple of weeks you could yeah okay right

I I like the idea of that sort of stuff more than a bungee jump which to me seems like that's scary innit I don't know if it's

I'm sure it feels pretty fun but the idea like the whole feeling of like that the massive you're free falling

with only on your legs whereas if you're on skydive you feel like you've got like your gear on um You're free falling with only on your legs. Whereas if you're on skydive, you feel like you've got like your gear on. It's so annoying. It's my new car. Oh,

it's everything, Carl. Oh my God. That's just Carl's phone vibrating again. I'm laughing. It's from before. Would you do a big, scary zip line,

Dan? What do you think about zip lines? Yeah, those zip lines look pretty good. I'd do a zip line. I've done zip line and I loved it. I don't like heights, about zipline? Yeah, those ziplines look pretty good. I'd do a zipline. I've done zipline and I loved it. I don't like heights,

but it's cool. Yeah, so you go, we went to Wales on holiday last summer and there's one in North Wales near Bangor. I wouldn't just jump out of a tree. And you go,

you go, like, you wouldn't just jump out of a tree. That is daredevil, eh? Well, he's comparing ziplining in a way with skydiving. I'm saying the difference between those things is the zipline. With a skydive, there's comparing ziplining in a way with skydiving. I'm saying the difference between those things

is the zipline. The skydive, there's no zipline. There's no fucking zipline going from the plains of London. I don't think ziplines is that scary. I just feel like you...

Depends where you do it. It's still in the sky, isn't it? If it's over like a big gorge or something, it's still fucking... There are no ziplines that are like four feet off the ground.

It depends where you do it. They're all higher up on these zip lines Yeah but there's There's varying levels of scary And there's also nets to catch it isn't there No No There's a go

You've been fucking On massive zip lines I don't want a massive net I don't want to cost a rican It was the scariest thing ever And there's no nets So there you go That's a

There's a different level of zip line isn't it Yeah it's okay It's all few people die Don't be a pussy That was literally that You have to jump up and Clip yourself on Right Yeah So there you go. That's a different level of zipline, isn't it? Yeah, it's okay. A few people die. Don't be a pussy. That was literally that. You had to jump up and clip yourself on. Right. Yeah.

Can I be clipped on? Okay, lady boy. I didn't realise. Do you know how you stopped yourself? You had a big leather glove on. And you had to, like, grip it to stop yourself. And you went on that? But you weren't bungee?

Yeah, I think bungee's different. Because you just add something to it. You know the bungee jump where he jumps off and then they throw the rope over his head. And they're like, no, no, wait! Yeah, yeah. As if the rope isn't attached. I would genuinely have a stroke.

Yeah, you'd die of shock or something, wouldn't you? That's dangerous. Yeah. But at the live show At the arena Adam's coming in On a zipline I'll come in on a zipline I've got no problem with that

Oh amazing As long as there's a big net I'll come in in a skydive The roof does open Getting bummed The roof does open What an entrance that'll be Carl will come in

Getting gang raped It's going to be exciting We all do I'll wake up Okay that lad's alright Now I'm here i'm not doing that are you not carl no okay i refuse oh my god i think it'd be quite harrowing for my family who're gonna be present um what can he do what's it what's your advice to rob my

my advice is to cancel it it will never change Don't do a skydive No good can come from me Only pain The only thing you get to do is tell people you did a skydive Just lie That's all he's getting from me I did a skydive Did you enjoy it?

Did it for charity, raised seven grand Is it life changing? It was fun Do you feel alive? It was just like getting off a bus seven grand is it like life life changing yeah it was like it was fun it was fun but i wouldn't do it again alive what do you feel alive it was just like getting off a bus yeah i can tell you've done it because that is such an interesting observation it's like getting off a bus yeah big buses in fucking dovey it's just a big step down isn't it it's just a big step down that's all it is yeah i landed on my feet landed on your feet yeah

did you use a parachute or did you just fucking time it well like a cat I used a parachute and jumped from 15,000 feet with lots of parachutes alright do you use

parachute for the bus just to be safe no I don't need one for that it's a bit different then isn't it it is different but the emotion

was the same the same as getting off a bus yeah right you're just like fuck that's over thanks driver

yeah well just don't get pissed they're not going to let you on if you're drunk though are they I doubt it nah nah

I'm intoxicated what's the arena entrance you'll be smacked off your tits though they probably don't test for that smacked off your tits yeah I think they'd have to test

why don't you just unconscious if you're smacked off your tits I I think you'd have to test. Why are you just not unconscious if you're smacked off your tits? I don't know. I've never done it. Yeah. What do you do? Hello? It's my heroin dealer, Dan.

Got an ambassador role. 10% off. All smack. Get on. Carl smack. I'm not going to put it in the pod account. Hello? Goldenbrown.co.uk.

I've done that thing where I'm like, oh, these questions. Oh, these questions. We've got one from a wrestling fan, Kyle. Oh, we have? Yeah, I've got it. Who's a massive... I don't think we've talked about wrestling loads,

because I also feel like, there's certain things, like, it's the sport of pedophiles, that they get very annoyed at that sort of thing. Tom Segura pissed them all off, didn't he, when he did this?

Yeah, not saying that. Yeah, you've pissed them, so you're going to go down Tom's lane? You can if you want. I mean, I just agree with him.

What, what was his stance? They're all pathetic. Here we go. Here we go. Do you want me to play the game with you? So Kyle's come up with a game for us, which is, is it a WWE move or a sex position? Oh, okay.

And you've got to guess. So, it's good that you just went in dead hard, in the paint. No one asked for it. Fucking pathetic. Saw your life out. Yeah, I'll play the game. No, they are pathetic,

but it's their right to be pathetic. I don't think anyone's got the right to be pathetic. It's like thinking Coronation Street's a sport. Yeah. It literally is like doing that. It's no different to coronation trees it's just so popular isn't it

here comes Kembalo here comes Kembalo balo balo balo balo balo balo if you smell

what dot is cooking not anymore she's dead she is cooking who is the hot pot who is the hot pot Betty

Betty oh that was nearly fucking perfect Kevin Webster Not anymore, she's dead. She is cooking. Who is the hot pot? Who is the hot pot? Betty! Betty! Oh! That was nearly fucking perfect. Kevin Webster as the Undertaker. Undertaker! Dan, do you want me to play? Coronation Street needs to do a Patreon special where everyone fucking wrestles.

Do you want me to read them off Dan when you play we can guess yeah okay yeah we'll guess between us we'll work it out

number one apparently a lot of these these moves because they have the you know yeah the same we've got to guess

which one it is and what it might entail yeah you didn't watch wrestling much some of these I loved it when I loved it when I was a kid The old era

I got a wrestling ring For my 8th birthday Summer Slam 92 Which was my era Fucking loved it WrestleMania So number one is Face Buster

Is it wrestling or sex? Well it's It can't There's no sex position Called the face buster No that is definitely A sex position It's a face fuck

And it's fucking Get out of here kid Alright I was Honestly Have a little smell of that Smell the face buster. No, that is definitely a sex position. It's a face fuck, and it's fucking getting here, kiddo. All right, I was, honestly. Have a little smell of that. Smell. It's from before.

You face fuck and go, smell that. She's like, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Oh, yeah, yeah. Surely if these are the names of them, you're going to be able to. She's like, ow, ow, ow.

Do you use Manscaped products? You've got to be able to say. Bald deodorant. You're going to be able to say them during sex. Like, I'm going to give you the face buster now that's not how it works

is it can we try the face buster what do you think it's a face buster we can compete if you want I don't

it doesn't need to be I win surely the face buster is a wrestling move and not a sex sex position it is a wrestling move and not a sex position it's a wrestling move yeah

the face buster right they all suck each other off smell that number two Brock Lesnar sits on your face number two layout

layout layout the layout yeah oh this is it's not could be both couldn't it

wrestling it is wrestling yeah number three the reverse slither well that's definitely sex innit

I reckon that's wrestling what do you think that entails don't know just slithering away backwards ta-da the defensive move the campus the campus wrestler I don't know. Just slithering away backwards. Ta-da.

The defensive move. The campus wrestler. I was going to do a move, but I'm like a snake. That's a sex. It is a sex. What is the reverse slither? He doesn't give us any air. Oh, this is a lot of fucking shite.

Who wrote this quiz? A wrestling fan? Of course. Of course. Of course. Number four, the magic bullet. Oh, that's definitely sex. Short edges in the eye, isn't it? That's sex, yeah. Oh, God.

What's the magic bullet, Finn? Magic bullet, sex. Can you give Finn the mic so he can tell us? I'll get that off. Can you tell us? Finn, can you get the mic? I can't find it. Oh, wait.

Here we go. Oh, wow. It's just... You're just looking at porn. Look at how... Steve's literally craning around the corner like, hello. It's not like out of the ordinary,

just the lady is on her back, two legs up, and you're in between. Oh. That's all it is. That's what I call a fucking Monday morning. That's a wrestling move oh okay

that's the magic bullet that's just fucking pound town there he's got one hand on the tit as well classic that's just missionary so the legs

the legs are going over the shoulder yeah that's just slightly more no it's not missionary it is it's a variation on it though isn't it

yeah yeah but it's you can't go like that's just missionary that isn't missionary yeah but as soon as you move someone's leg position, it's no longer the other position, is it? He looks like Freddie Mercury as well.

That wouldn't be a woman. Number five is Little Jimmy. Carl, you're such a knobhead. That was ridiculous. I don't know what the Little Jimmy is. The Little Jimmy is a wrestling move. It is. No, because no one's going to be like,

oh, babe, do the Little Jimmy on me. I'm going to pick two more. All right. The Meat Hook. Right. Again, it sounds sex, but it's not. It's wrestling, isn't it? The Meat Hook's got to be wrestling. I think it's sex. I reckon it's not It's wrestling innit The meat hook's gotta be wrestling

I think it's sex I reckon it's where you put Your cock in a cheek And try and spin a Like a hooker with it Have you got quite a Hooky cock My cock comes up and over

Like a duck Up and over What like directions Like A dovetail joint Which weighs Like a curly fly Like a pig's tail yeah

spiral cock they call them by his nans um number the last time fucking let's wrap it up the last one is the backseat the backseat driver yeah that's bummer that's defo bumming it is sex and then pull up the backstreet driver oh it's like you sat on

turn the tv off it's like you sat on a chair and she's getting wellied oh i see we've all done

the backstreet driver i actually have done the backstreet driver so it's basically the reverse

cowgirl but you're sat up yeah in the back of a kiosk you've got reverse cowgirl, but you're sat up. Yeah. In the back of a Kia Sportage. You've got to be in a Kia Sportage. Should we slide in the fourth picture from the left?

And get thrown off YouTube. And that was a girl taking it up the body. Like a champion. Absolutely. A champion racehorse. Not likes getting bummed. You love getting caught there. I like getting bummed. You love getting caught, though. Let's have a break. What's happening, ladies and gentlemen?

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when you keep all five slash word stitchfix.co.uk slash word that's the website order some clothes they're sick get back to the episode

me gone hey hey That's the website. Order some clothes. They're sick. Get back to the episode. Nigga. Hey! Part three. Daniel Sloss is here. He is. I'm just going to have this coffee. One of my favourite whites.

Yeah. On your top three. Oh, he's top three white. Yeah, 100%. Just in skin colour, you are one of the whitest people I know. Right. But of all the whites, I'm top three.

You and John Hastings are right up there. Oh, I thought you were ranking whites. And to be in the top three whites is fucking great. No, you're like in the top three of your Dulux colour chunk of white. Aye, so it's me, John Hastings, and like Eric Lamp here. Yes, and you're third. The gingers are in their own sort of level. Oh yeah,

that's performance enhancing substances, isn't it? That's fucking cheating. Yeah. I'm already a bit wired. I'm having a coffee because I'm really tired. I've been touring loads

and I don't think that's something either of you really know anything about. You know what I mean? Well, I don't. I'm not. You got it all to come and you'll learn. You poke it. You poke it in a polar bear here. He does his little sort well I don't I'm not you got it all to come and you'll learn you poke it

you poke it a polar bear here he does his little sort of oh I'm in America oh I'm in Australia oh I've got he's on holiday basically

alright yeah doing the odd show every now and then fucking bouncing around San Francisco oh I spoke for 25 minutes if you've ever seen me live you know I've never spoken

for just 25 minutes what a disappointment that would be. Hello, San Francisco. Keep it tight. Light on 23. I've just got things to do. I'm on holiday. Have you really done San Francisco?

Yeah. Fuck off. I've done most of... Most of America? The world, I've done most of it. I've done Russia, back when it was legal to get there. Would you do it now? Would I do it now? Like, if you got an offer now, when it was legal to giggle Would you do it now? Would I do it now?

Like if you got an offer now And it was like Right we'll give you 10% more Of the door than last time Not now 10% more of the door? It's only Russian's watching I'll do it

Yeah wait wait Hold on Do you think my moral compass Can be swayed by 10% Of the fee I already get? What about all of your merch? Oh moral compass can be swayed by 10% of the fee I already get. What about all of your merch? Oh. I'm glad I did Russia then

because my opinion of Russia was very much like, oh, it's the bad guys from all the American movies and they're fucking weird and they're backwards and they're part of the West but they're not really and then you get there and you end up gigging to like, you know, I'm not gigging to the russian people i'm gigging to the russian people that can

illegally downflowed my fucking specials so wherever i am in the world i'm getting the fucking liberals of the area so in my head i'm like russia's dead liberal i've met three and a half thousand of them they're lovely they're friendly they're real pro-gay rights and i think all of those three and a half thousand are dead now they tried to protest the war in ukraine and that's why i wouldn't get there because my audience they are wiped out but don't you think this is the problem when you get to a certain level of as a comic you just start performing to your people maybe going to russia and trying to win over you know the the anti-gay russian soldiers yeah that would be a true test of your next tour to know that it definitely works in progress in the kremlin but do you do you want to win over the homophobes because surely they're like he makes a good point

you wait oh wait have i converted them or have they converted me fuck have I accidentally you take that you take that that tour show that worked in the Kremlin to Brighton and if it works there as well you know you're a then I'm finally

global this is the guy who had to take references out for the Isle of Man on Tuesday but in his head he's like Brighton and fucking

you know Moscow should be the same should be alright no but if you can make them the same, then you know you're on to a winning hour. You know what I mean? I like it. Going to have mass appeal across many demographics.

Why was San Francisco like your thing of success? I don't know. Just because you're someone that I've gigged with and I know. And it's San Francisco. Listen, you're here. You're talking to us, Belen. You're in a cupboard in Runcourt. I've gigged with than I know and it's San Francisco listen this is you're here you're talking to us Belen

you're in a cupboard in Runcorn it's all relative but like Eddie is I watched Eddie Izzard's special from San Francisco when I was starting before I started stand up

like San Francisco just feels like so unreal but it's of course it's real if you've done if you've done conan 87 times and you're like well known and you've got netflix specials of course san francisco is yeah great for sales

to me it's just it's great well that'd be the mark of you making it if we ever do a have a weird live show in san francisco well podcast wise that is what it feels like turning up here like my podcast that i've been doing for way longer than this is now just in like the shed i built in my back garden and like we don't put much effort into it because i'm so unbelievably lazy and and because of because i get to tour i'm like i'm not putting any fucking effort in kai's the one that puts the effort into our podcast which is why it's slowly getting better whereas we come down here we're like oh right okay so there is a way to do it we'll just slowly take our way to that do you know since we've done what we've done in the last two years which has

been pretty impressive there's two types of three types of podcasts there's the podcast that existed before and pretty much don't like us and aren't going to change that's absolutely cool then there's all the podcasts that look just like this one that sort of started they're similar aren't they the American style I think

I think to call them knockoffs is a little bit unfair but there's a lot of ones that go that seems familiar and then there's also the pods that existed before that have gone

oh hang on well that'd be a good idea wouldn't it like two vegan idiots now looks different since the pandemic and since you know and you guys are are you filming it now and you're putting well we we are so basically i had a shed but i have a shed in my back garden which we then converted into a sound studio because i had to do the audio book during the

pandemic have you written his, by the way? He's got his own lake. I don't have a lake, I have a river that runs through my garden. Oh my god, and floods. One awful lot, yeah. The first day we moved into our place it's just on the outskirts of Edinburgh, but it's a very idyllic place.

I couldn't believe I got to move there. And was like these places are always shy eventually like you work out why that you know why i get to live there and you know why the area is so nice and then we were looking at the window and a baby deer and its mum just ran through the garden drank from a river and then left and i was like oh okay i live in a snow white i live in snow white's world that's that's where i am i was expecting some fucking scheming smack head then you're like oh no if oh look i i'm bambi and like no no no no but i'm not i'm now at the place where if i see anyone outside of my house who looks like me growing up i'll phone the police oh you fadsnitch i've not done it yet

But I've certainly seen some youths outside my house And I'm like if I had a dog you'd have no ankles I'm just telling you straight up You can't phone the busies I wouldn't They could be future dealers Yeah and also the amount of grass I've got in my house I'm not phoning anyone

Can you come to my house but stay outside Please officer Can you come and like can you can you hold your you're there let me know when you're at the gate the first gate yeah yeah pick up a piece on the way as well like you're gonna meet the dominoes guy in the fucking driveway can you just bring it up to the door so beyond the babbling brook you and kai humphries are doing your pod in a shed in a in a shed in our and we a shed And we don't have the back It's not a fucking shed by the way

Shed puts a certain picture It makes your garden office look like a shed Oh Jesus It's a treehouse Oh no the treehouse is outside of it But that's not I got a little bit of that San Francisco money It's the Russian oligarch money

That's why I hate this Then you will like your comedy You come play for four or five of us You go back with 2.3 billion You just wash blood off the money It's okay It's fine It's fine we wash it off diamonds

It's much easier to wash that money How is it getting in Russia? Come on It's not like i'm gonna get to ask this to well a lot of our mates every or ever again since it's you know yeah yeah it was it was really interesting because like the first we were on tour in general like uh and it was during a really bad bit of the tour where we were going from literally from lincoln to tokyo to singapore to kuala lumpur to australia to iceland to russia in the space of lincoln's a bit of a sore thumb in that list

right i fucking screamed at fucking live nation right right and i shouldn't have done it and i i really like what they've done they're my touring company i love them i'll work with them forever but i was like with a fucking straight face with a straight face every single one of you wrote a tour list that went sydney melbourne tokyo singapore san francisco munich leeds lincoln paisley fuck off I'm not going to these places anymore I'll go there on the downside On the other On the other side Of this fucking arc

That's when I'll go back to those places Until then Stop sending me to shitholes I'll go there when the D is being shot So when we're in Vienna Like this is the show Showed in X Which was about Sex assault And toxic masculinity And So when we're in Vienna, like this is the show, show did X, which was about a sexual assault and toxic masculinity.

And, and towards the end of the show was obviously a tense moment, but the Kremlin, Russia sent out their own translator, right? Because the show Russians do understand English, but we're going to give half the audience the option to, if they wanted a translator to have it in their ear

so they sent the translator earlier on yeah already awful can we just when you say to have a translator in their ear do you mean there was one translator and he was broadcasting to their ears or they each got their own individual translator whispering the jokes to them that would have been way more expensive

that would have been first of all it would have doubled my audience. One translator who was up in a box, but he'd come to see the show in Austria like for the two days before, just he says so he could work out what the material was and work out how to translate it. I had a lot of pro-gay stuff in that show

and the Russian government was very much like, you can't do that material in Russia. And I'm like, I'm a lot of pro-gay stuff in that show And the Russian government was very much like You can't do that material in Russia And I'm like I'm a comedian We don't get censored And there's literally nothing you can do To censor me apart from Kill me and have me disappear

In which case Let's play a game We're not there yet Yeah, yeah, yeah And I figured you're not gonna You're not gonna go after A shitty comedian Just in case

And be like I think the gays are cool Like that's not who you're not gonna go after a shitty comedian just occasionally like i think the gays are cool like that's not who you're cracking down on but when they fire bit by the way and it is that's as far as i go that's as far as my progression is i look i think the gays are all right y'all um he comes to the show And we are 100% convinced He's just from the Kremlin He's a fucking spy And he's there to watch the material And to find out what goes against the Russian message

And he's talking to us And he's dedicated Of course he is, he speaks like 7 languages English and Russian are 2 of them He finds Kai Humphrey's fascinating Because he can't imagine that smaller brain space Like we're all just And we go there

And the gig is weird Because you have the first initial fucking laugh One of the most important things about comedy is Timing You get that first laugh As the people who are fluent enough in English To get your thing And then

Because Russian words are 90% longer Than all English words, you have to wait 10 seconds for a second laugh, which is the rest of them being told the fucking joke. Oh, my God. And they've already got little ear pieces like they're at the UN. Half the audience have little ear pieces, and half the audience don't. Too little ear pieces.

Too little? That is so weird. And the weird thing was the controversial bit of- And he's not doing the gay stuff! When you're doing the gay stuff he's like, Vladimir Putin is wonderful leader, he's an excellent and very strong horse rider. There's a laugh and then they're all like-

Wait- Slossy's really weird about Putin. He's very pro-Putin. While I'm doing pro-gay stuff. You're like miming out the gay thing and he's like Putin. Swinging a rainbow banner around Putin loves his horses. Putin makes rainbows with

his mercy. Is it the same cadence though? Like intonation of the... How does that work? No, no, absolutely not. Like I think even the way the... the language is different like the letters are different the way they create words together

are different which is why I couldn't I couldn't believe that this guy's job was to translate and then I had a wank on the bus into like one of the most

complex languages I think you might be one of the only piece in the world that when when Russia when Russia like

I think the gays are cool and then I had a wank on the bus it was full of them and I'm like yeah this is not doing justice to Sloss's material by the way I haven't done a white joke

for so long they loved it in San Francisco they're like oh my god it's so good you must be one of the few people that when Russia invaded Ukraine

and became the international bad guys that they've always really been. You must have been like, oh, thank fuck, I don't have to gig there again. Like, this sounds like way too much bullshit just for a gig. But it's one of those things where at the time it felt exciting because you'd heard all these things about Russia, you know, from fucking James Bond movies and the media and everything, like, oh, they're the bad guys.

And then you go there and you meet the people that actually live there who were like, man, we know he's a fucking cunt yeah yeah they're all cunts but what do you want us to do when the biggest cunt with the entire army wants us to shut the fuck up yeah like speaking to them it's really they've just learned to live their lives they're like man i don't know if you know much about russian history but we've tried and tried there have been loads of revolutions and none of them have gone well shout out to those few thousand people that protested the war in ukraine that went to that because that's fucking ballsy and i don't know if they've had a pride in in russia but shout out

those gay guys that tried to get that one going like come on yevgeny we're doing it we're very proud that's why i'm not saying like pride in manchester's not bald but pride in moscow is a next level of like it's to literally put your well i mean because because your life's being brought into question it is putting your life on the line not just for your beliefs but to be like i am a fucking human being and you know it's i i i'm i'm guided that i am gutted in a way that i won't get to gig in Russia again because I don't gig for the bastards in Russia. You gig for the good people who are underneath the shyness of it. It's like the amount of times people come up to me as well. They're going

would you ever do a gig in Israel? And my answer is always the same. 100% if the day after I did a gig in Palestine because I'm not going to learn what's going on there. I can't be bothered and everyone gets angry about it. So it's just a big mine in the middle,

probably a poor choice of words. It's a big mine in a minefield, and I'm like, not touching it, not going anywhere near it. But I understand that there's audiences there who aren't anything to do with the entire clusterfuck, and those are the people I want to play to. The people, the humans. It's just got a good sense of humour and got Netflix.

Aye, yeah, yeah, those ones. And to just got a good sense of humour and got Netflix. Aye. Yeah, those ones. And to be fair, I don't know how many of their... No, I think there's quite a few. The one thing I've learned about travelling is comedy is absolutely 100% universal. The things we laugh at here. There's more differences between audiences

in the day of the week than there are between Russian and Australian audiences. Oh, that's so funny. Yeah. And local terms. And the accents can obviously be a bit hard and obviously york york is a shit hole and they don't get anything yeah yeah yeah or it's oh i have a what because you're both touring now um is there any places on your blacklist york and Lancaster. Yeah. Lancaster is... Are you still not over the War of the Roses?

Are you still upset about that people died? It's the same as the Israel-Palestine thing. I'll do them back to back. Just play Skipton. It's like the Gaza Strip. I'm just not picking a side.

No, I'm not. Lancaster has got that little tiny gig in the pub every Sunday and that's the only one I've ever done and I hate it and it's... The burra've ever done and I hate it and it's the

the burra it's ran by a comedy promoter who books a lot of gigs in the northwest and he sort of is like you've got to do this for me if you want to do any of the gigs so you have to do it like a couple of times a year and I did it a few years ago with Jamie Sutherland

Comperon, Gary Delaney, Alan Cochran and me and we all died and that is not our fault like that line up it is not possible for everyone to die and it be all the comics fault and York I've hated for a

long time and we've covered it several times on this podcast because it is a place where joy disappears it's just not, they don't like laughing. They don't like anything. They just want to go out because they're sick

of their fucking ugly husbands and wives and their fucking miserable children and everything else about their shitty, shitty, shitty lives. I'll be on tour there

in 2023. Looking forward to it. Also playing the Pocklington. I really like the York people who've sold out three Leeds dates for me because I refuse to go to York. Leeds is flying.

Yeah. It's all the ugly cubs from York going, right, we'll get trade. Literally about half of the people who've taken photos after Leeds were like, why won't you come to York? And I was like, because you will come here. All right, fair enough.

Anywhere. I don't know if there is anywhere on my blacklist. Randomly, I'm not playing, on my first ever tour, I'm not playing my hometown. Oh, really? Just because there isn't a proper venue. Preston just doesn't have a good theatre anymore because no one's gone to the theatre for so long and it's just, I don't know.

So that's a bit of a weird one. I think last time I played, Preston was like, it was in a theatre, but it was in a weird room upstairs beside the theatre. Yeah, there is really just no... Yeah, I think it got bought out by someone who was a bit of a Mike Ashley,

you know, in Newcastle. Bought it for the wrong reasons to basically, I think they wanted to sort of shut it down to sell it as whatever, like for retail profit. No, no, like flats and everything i think that's the plan but now preston doesn't have a property would you want a homecoming gig do you reckon if

you were to here's my thing with my hometown and i i know a lot of uh there'll be a lot of lids who are from preston i've never had a good gig there like i've never had a great there's never been a great gig there so i'm doing a preview there We talked about the preview run I'm doing. Freddie has found a room in Preston. Yeah, he has, yeah. And I'm doing a preview there on the 1st of September, the day before we set off to Ireland to start the tour. And I book it in with my fingers crossed

that we are going to be able to develop, Freddie's going to be able to have a good gig in Preston because a lot of people have tried to run a gig in preston and it's never really worked my second gig was in preston frog and the frog died and here's my thing with my hometown i've not lived there since i was a young young lad i when they when it's painful i don't love that it's preston like i do shit gigs all over and there's some bell and like not my problem yeah i don't love that it's preston like i do shit gigs all over and there's some bell i'm like not my problem yeah i don't live here every time yeah every time there's a knob at a preston gig

i'm like i'm probably related to this cunt i'm like oh here goes the gene pool again i'm like you're my second cousin i find it annoying so i i need we need a good room there and hopefully this preview is the start of it is there anywhere on your blacklist or have you got a yeah countries really

yeah come on stories not North Korea obviously you've got to make a living only if I play South Korea

the next day that's cool that's an interesting double isn't it yeah I like it I won't gig

in Kilmarnock's 100 countries oh well well france was blacklisted because the first time one of the first times i ever did any like european tour dates was uh one of the gigs in fact the worst gig of the run was paris and it was the only one of the fucking tour date where most of the audience were British expats. And there is nothing, nothing worse in the world than a British person that lives abroad. There's nothing worse.

I think they should all die across the board. Even in Paris? Yes. If it's Cyprus, maybe. No, no, no, no. They're all back because they fucking hate the French. Of course. It's just British people being like,

oh, you can't get a good burger. You're like, like why would you want to you're in the fucking capital of wine and cheese you stupid cunt eat the fucking local food and fucking ingratiate yourselves you unloved anyway right so the first literally all the other gigs we've done in europe in sweden locals uh norway locals estonia locals lithuania locals. Estonia, locals. Lithuania, locals, locals, locals. Every single one of those gigs is fucking outstanding. The one gig we do at the British People, it's in Paris, and I'm like, fuck this gig, fuck everyone in this room. I fucking hate it.

Refused to do it for years and years and years until Eddie Izzard phoned me, and she was just like, it's changed, and they're good now, and I trust this venue. And I went back, and it was 90% locals. And it was suddenly amazing. Eddie Izzard did her special in French in Paris. And she's done it in German as well.

It's insane. Well, and I mean this with all respect, she can fuck off. That's showing off, isn't it? So Francoise is blacklisted Kilmarnock What's your beef with Kilmarnock? Kilmarnock was

And I'll fucking say this on air I will not gig in Kilmarnock Until I get a fucking Handwritten apology For the council And where Where The location of where

This man is buried So I can piss on his fucking grave I was doing my first ever Edinburgh preview My first Not only my first ever Edinburgh preview My first preview It's the first time I've done longer than 20 fucking minutes So this is what, 12 years ago?

This is 2008 It must have been 14 years ago And he's held on to this This is great Oh, I never forgive him Never, never Because it means more when you're starting out Doesn't it

Yeah These Yeah Yeah Because it's like You can hate me now But when I was starting out To do anything to

Directly hamper that I just find disgraceful To new comics right Man I was young And I looked fucking young I was a little spartan I remember working with you For the first time

And I was like Who is this little Oh he's good Oh he's annoyingly good i go i had my fucking floppy justin bieber hair i'm i go on stage and there are i'm gonna say 30 people in the audience and they're all there to see craig hill who is a longtime friend and who is as gay as the day is long if aliens were to come down from another planet and go he He's less gay in the winter. Yeah, he is. It's because he's got to be inside.

If aliens came down from another planet and were like, what is a homosexual? I'd go, come here. And we'd all go round to Craig's house and I'd point and hang out for ages. He'd answer the door by singing.

Yeah, he opens the show in a pink kilt going on singing Kylie Minogue he's fucking hysterical and he's got this

rapport with his audience where you know he makes fun of them and they love it and it's engaging and he's even though he's filthy still

like a bit clean because he doesn't really swear that much but it's more like it's kind of an innocence around him isn't it yeah and people

fucking love it and rightfully so I on the other hand i'm fucking 17 years old and i'm like fuck shit cunt god's not real and isn't weed class and i literally get about four minutes into my set and i say cunt right and there's this 75 year old person in the room now i i think there should be age limits on comedy right but i think it should be on the other end. When I was young and I was watching stand-up, I wasn't offended by swear words, I wasn't offended by rude topics. The only thing, I just didn't understand certain bits. I didn't know what a handjob was when I was 10.

I didn't know what these things were. The only people that get offended by comedy are fucking old people. And they're the ones that you cannot keep up. And I think they should be banned from shows unless at the door they say, cunt shit fuck. That's the extra price if you're a pensioner. they're the ones that you cannot keep up and i think they should be banned from shows unless at the door they say cunt shit fuck that's the extra price if you're a pensioner if you don't say cunt shit fuck at the door into a camera all right john can you just uh right into that camera

cunt shit fuck right do i have to i can say shit fuck but do i have to say cunt you have to say all right yeah yeah do you remember the old people that have a word show, the stand-up show we did? Oh, yeah. And they stuck out. And I did that thing. I'm like, wow, you're so old. But you're just old. And they were like, we're patrons. You're like, you can work the internet?

And they fucking love it. There are some old legends out there. There are. There are. There's just a lot of old cunts. And also, the old legends are quiet and the cunts are louder. And that's the problem. So I say cunt, and this old fucking man at 75, 80,

just cannot just shut the fuck up. He's got to tell me how awful I am and how awful it is that the youth of today is swearing like this. So I obviously say something very clever, like, why don't you die of whatever disease you already have?'s not funny what i say i'm 17 i've never been fucking haggled before like i'm doing my the most i'm doing my first ever run through of an hour show i'm already terrified and he doesn't shut the fuck up right he doesn't shut the i put him down i put him down nobody around him shuts him up like the exchange is done like i won didn't get laughs but

in any other room i won the staff didn't shut him the fuck up like like, the exchange is done, like, I won, didn't get laughs, but in any other room I won, the staff didn't shut him the fuck up, like, to the point where my mum, right, I'm 17, how embarrassing is this, my mum has to go forward and be like, can you shut up or leave, like, those are the options, shut up or leave, it's not sit here and be a fucking roommate, and he was like, oh, why don't you, you know, he didn't say fuck off, because he was completely but he was just rooting the old, where the old cunts were, to my mum, and I was like oh why don't you you know he didn't say fuck off because he was completely but he was just rooting the old way the old cunts were to my mum and I was

just like you are until you're fucking dead until you are fucking dead I'm not coming back to the shitty fucking city and not only do you have to be dead I

have to know where you're buried so I can piss on your fucking grave in front of your family because you are rotten to your fucking core he could be dead now

well he definitely is he's 100% fucking dead but I don't have that handwritten apology from Kilmarnock Council and I don't know where his fucking grave is and I'm 100% serious

I'm not 14 fucking years ago I don't forgive this man I hope his kids are sick because there's no way he rubbed off on them well there's no way they're like

oh we'll knock it. They're cunts as well. I hope they're dead. I'll piss on the fucking family tree. Where is it? Burn them all, put them in one fucking urn and I'll piss directly into the fucking urn.

Can we do a Have A Word live show in Kilmarnock? I really feel like we need to use this energy. I'm going to slosh on. I remembered a story when you were telling that of an old fella who sort of ruined my night one time. I might have told you this at some point. So I think, and I might be getting the details slightly wrong, but the chunk of the story is definitely accurate.

I think I'd just done one of my first open spots at the Manchester store and it had gone, I think it was like my third one, and it had gone noticeably a lot better than the first couple so I'm on the train back from Piccadilly or Deansgate to Liverpool

and I'm all following myself on the train I'm like yes might be in there I wasn't but I was like might be in there

it all means more when you're starting out the bad gigs and the good gigs they're like and I'm sat on the train and I'm sat opposite and diagonally on a table

the other two seats are empty from this old fella. And I think my dad rang me and he's like, how's it going? I was like, how's it going? And then the old fella goes to me, the old Scouse fella, he goes,

so what do you do, kid? What do you do? And I was like, oh. And like now, or even normally under any circumstances back then, I would always say I work in a bar. Like I just go, because you don't want the conversation. But I was like, I'm a comedian. I earned the right to tell people. And goes right okay right and he just went quiet

again and then about two minutes later he goes can you sing and dance and i went no and he goes yeah no chance of making it if you can't sing and dance and then said nothing else to me he now books a gig in Hull so oh my god he just wants to ruin me can you sing

and dance no I ain't got no chance of making it can't sing and dance thank fuck you still don't have to be like

oh that shit's not working fly me to the moon but that is that is but that's these fucking old cunts that is what but that's these fucking old guys.

That is what entertainment was back in the fucking day. Like you'd look at the old school comedians from like America and it was entertainment. There was, it was a bit of singing and then they would fucking tap dance

and then they'd sing. God, I mean, nowadays, stand up, and I want to speak for you too, but I can certainly speak for myself. It's my only talent

like there's nothing else people often go what would you do if you couldn't do stand up anymore and i'm like i would have to break my own neck in the middle of the street because i wouldn't know how to live i've become accustomed to a certain lifestyle where i can say what i want to anyone i want i've got nobody above me right i just if if I, if I got canceled and it was all over, I'd have to go. I don't know. Yeah. I,

I've always back. I've always struggled in jobs for that exact reason. Because even before I had the autonomy that this life has given me, I wanted it. So bosses would be like, can you go on the, the cellar and put the Corona where the Peroni is and put the Peroni with it. And I'd be like, why the fuck would I do that? No, I'm not doing that. And would be like, can you go in the cellar and put the Corona where the Peroni is

and put the Peroni with it? And I'd be like, why the fuck would I do that? No, I'm not doing that. And he's like, well, I'm actually a boss, so you've got to, and I'm like,

yeah, but it doesn't make any sense to me unless it makes sense to me. I'm not fucking doing it. And then I'd get like written warning after written warning. Yeah, well, I'm not doing something

just because you've decided it needs doing. You need to explain to me why this is a fucking necessary job. He's like, I can't. I can't even explain hierarchy to you. People love that question. What would you do?

There's two very different questions. What would I do now is so bleak and filled with so many arguments and me just being like, I can't, cause we've gone so far down this road. 20 years. I've been a standup. I've made my living for it.

Not far off that. Now it's going well. Cause of this, if this goes away and I have to get in a cubicle, Oh, some, I wouldn't do it. I would,

I would be a murder. Maybe me. Like I, if I hadn't seen such riches, I could live with being poor adam you know it's a lyric from a james song that's a song that's my act to say that because it just clicked and it's in the show with them um yeah just drives off a bridge yeah all of us right through the whole life but in the run corn bridge he's young the most me a musician

okay but when you Like if I'd have never gone down this road You'd be fine Yeah I'd be doing something else trying to do something like this probably

I'd be a If I hadn't found comedy I would have been a fucking incel 100% This job made me meet people

that I never would have met before made me experience a life in a way that I never would have experienced before made me experience a life in a way that I never would experience before and open my man I was an angry little fucking bigot when I was a teenager and I've got no idea why I had a very good upbringing like I remember being an angry teenager and my mum and dad were like all we ever did was love you yeah thanks yeah I think I'd seen other teenagers be angry and I was like well i guess that's just what we all do and i and then and then getting into comedy you know it teaches you what fucking humbles you

because even though it gives you an ego which you then have to like learn with the job how to keep in check as it inevitably gets i'll get there bigger yeah we'll all get there but no like i was an angry angry fucking kid like i i would have been the man i would have flown over for the fucking january 6th insurrection had i not found stand-up i've got no doubt i think you give off vibes of someone who had had like a fucking weed selling empire by the age of 25 retired with two houses by the age of 30. Like, oh, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do now. 31 and twiddling my thumbs. What do you actually think you would do now if it went away?

Genuinely. Oh, what I've done or what would I do now? If it went away. If it went away now, what would you do? Oh, un-podcasting. Yeah, it's gone. Oh, no. Podcast's gone.

I can't do anything to do with comedy. No. Comedy still exists, but you're sort of banished from it No no no I tell you what It's worse right You can be involved in comedy But you can only ever be credited as a writer on something Well I'm out then

It's never directed to you There's a reason I've done no writing in 20 years No one's even asked No one's ever been like could you write some stuff for me Everyone's like yeah you're struggling to get your own stuff up there. You can write stand-off. I'd have to leave Laura and fucking go. Because Laura does not want to be married to me

if I cannot live in the North West and be involved in podcasting or comedy. So everyone's like, they're so in love. She'd be happy to be like, alright, fuck off. You restart, I'll restart. I want to be some fat white twat on a kibbutz. I loved dan nightingale dot com that's what she says just as i go to sleep i'd be one of those weird cunts yeah i'd like

go on the strip somewhere like malia or benidorm you know but one of those like oh why are you so old why are you still here broken like second second time round. Hiding from child support. That'd be me. I'd go abroad. I'd be one of those people who like scams people in the street. You know, like you got to hold on to the fucking bar for 30 seconds

and you win two grand. I'd get one of them, mate. People would go, are you Adam Rowe? No, I'm not. No, I am the tickler. Yeah, I'd be a scam artist, 100%. What about them fellas who just stand there still?

You'll give them money. Yeah, but I don't think anyone does give them money. I'm convinced because I'm seeing less and less of them. I think they've all realised that's not a viable business. They're starved. Same with the sand dog men. You know the ones who make a fucking dog out of sand? No, it's a fucking set, innit?

I know! What? Have you seen when you walk down the street and there's a fucking dog made out of sand? it's a fucking set innit i know i would yeah have you seen when you walk down the streets and there's a fucking dog made out of sand you've seen them being made i have not exactly so i got up i got up really really really really early on purpose sorry i thought you were just talking shit got up really really early to go to london one day i had to get like the six o'clock train. So I'm walking through Liverpool city centre. He's got a fucking plastic dog

and he just covers that in sand. Wait, wait, hold on. Oh, I thought it was like a jelly thing. Yeah, it is. It's like a set thing. Like a bucket of spade. Right. So you want to get your bullshit right, Adam.

Is it, does the sand go over the plastic or do you put the sand in the plastic and then he just sticks the sand to a dog so it's a real dog oh buy a new dog every day i hope it lies still look at that i thought there was sand sculpting classes in like the camps in calais i thought that's all they were doing. Like, okay, 10 o'clock. Come to the big tent. And you will paint yourself silver.

Stand over there. While you're all down here on the beach anyway, why not learn how to, look, I know your son's body's over there. Around him. Put the sun over. Put the sand over. We'll make it look like a dog.

It's not even going to look like a dead sun anymore. I turned the corpse of your dead son on the beach into, it's a sandy dog. You don't like dogs? Fuck this country. It is suspicious that it's always a dog, isn't it? No one has ever gone, I'd let the cat never do cat.

There's one in Liverpool who does a dolphin. What? Does a sand dolphin? Fucking. It's fucking massive as well. He's the Picasso of refugees. He paints them. There's also a blind fella

who plays the guitar and he's definitely not blind. Definitely not blind. We've took, we've took, yeah, yeah. With his dog.

Right. Yeah. That was one of the best heckles I've ever, sorry. Go on. One of the best heckles I've ever Sorry Go on One of the best heckles I've ever Heard of

I wasn't in the room But I've heard it from good sources Blind man and his dog Were in this comedy club just at the back And there's this red raw stand Where his new comedians are going up And apparently this guy goes on stage And he's just eating shit

For like fucking three minutes Utter silence Which is tough for the glasgow stand because they're a great audience to the point where apparently this this blind guy at the back just yells out mate i'm blind and even i can see your shit whole audience laughs only laugh this guy's got during the set like and and it floors him there's no response and the fact that the audience laugh it's just enough for him to just be so dejected that for like an extra five or ten seconds he just stands there

in silence and then the same voice goes has he left and then you have to yeah yeah and if the dog barked that's it's not gonged off by a dog oh my god have a little breaky time let's do this press the button then okay go on you do that what's happening guys adam here to tell you about our brand new sponsor athletic greens i have been using their products every single day for a couple of months now and that's because I've been on tour. I'm getting home late at night. I felt like constantly tired and stuff. And I heard this was great stuff.

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all you have to do is visit athleticgreens.com slash have a word again that is athleticgreens.com slash have a word take ownership of your health and pick up the ultimate daily nutritional insurance today back to the pot here we are final section daniel yeah you have a book out i do have a book out sorry does anyone have a book out daniel i do i have i have a book out uh you should out now you should promote that in some way here in front of our audience. Well, if you didn't buy my book when it was hard copy, because you were like, how am I going to fold that up and throw it at someone?

It's now available in paperback. It's the same fucking book. It's just softer. It's like the old book, but not erect. What is the difference? Why did they make two different versions? I've got no idea i think it's like because hardbacks is like a real book and they're like oh this will be the

ones people want on their on their shelves the collector's item almost yeah and then after that you're like all right let's get the fucking holiday book is the software yeah you know the stock and filler like it's you buy it for your friend that you don't really like and you're like oh you like comedy here's daniel sloss's book that buy it for those friend that you don't really like and you're like, oh, you like comedy, here's Daniel Sloss' book. Nah. Buy it for those reasons. You're a hell of a salesman. I'll give you that.

I think it would be quite funny to buy someone their own book for Christmas. Like, if someone was to buy you your book, I'd be there for that. I'd just bring up the 90 copies I already have. Signed by me and Adam.

This is yours, this. You know what? I think I would actually like that because the thought went into that signed by some old cunt in Kilmarnock I'm still alive

you rude little boy I would treasure that book it's a funny book every time I opened it I would laugh at it what's the book called it's called

Everyone You Hate Is Going To Die and they are which I maintain is a positive message like if you if you ever get sad about anything in the world even if somebody you love died just think about someone you hate and know that they're going to die and if you get to outlive them what a fucking great day that is there's at least three bottles of champagne cava in my house which we've put like little bits i don't know who i'm kidding it is green house tree house one of his houses

we cool it in the lake we've put a little uh white tape over it and just written the names of people we hate. Tell us. And you just leave that. I will absolutely tell you off air because one of them is involved in comedy. But we add them from time to time because sometimes, you know,

if it's a birthday or if it's New Year, people will give you a bottle of bubbly for whatever reason and you just go, right, we'll save it. I don't want to drink this soon. So what I'll do is I'll just save it for when Rhese mogg is dead and then you put it in a cupboard and i'm definitely going to outlive him unless things go wrong and then at one point and you don't celebrate publicly because whoever you fucking hate look they've got a family and those people are innocent all that shit i don't

know necessarily if that's reese mogg there'll be a parade in liverpool they're all reds yeah reese mogg was a bad example I need to think of people who like I'm happy they die but you know when Margaret Thatcher died Liverpool was amazing imagine if it was my house

are you talking to a Scotsman about how it was when Margaret Thatcher died so the night Margaret Thatcher died my little brother I think was either 16 or 17 that was his first ever night in town because I rang him

and was like I'm taking you to town no you came to my house and we drank loads of milk. And then we went to town. We did actually. Four pints of milk each before we went to town. We drank loads of milk then went to Potluck.

With booze in? No. Oh, not white Russian. Four pints of milk each and then went to town. Cause it's what she wouldn't have wanted to do. Well, I think what she wouldn't have wanted was to be dead I think she had already gotten that

they're all now lactose intolerant but it was worth it my favourite twitter account is called margaretthatcherupdates and every single day at 9am it tweets still dead still dead she is dust I love that some people I mean I agree with you some people have that really like Look down their nose

And be like Oh it's real Lowbrow And low classy To brag when someone's dead You go Fuck off Cunts deserve to die

Like I get really sad When good people die So I should get Really fucking thrilled When people who Objectively made the world A worse place When they're dead

Fucking superb Get the fuck When Steve Jobs died I don't think I stopped laughing For a fucking superb get the fuck when steve jobs died i don't think i stopped laughing for a fucking week like this stupid cat was told by doctors straight to his face so you've got cancer if you do chemotherapy right now this fucking second you've got a 90 chance of survival and he was like have you heard of kale what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna do that and i'm gonna do reiki and i'm gonna shove some almond seams up my fucking hoop and i'm gonna show all you fucking doctors and then six months later he went back to the doctors and they went you have 20 chance of

living now and now he's dead good a stupid if you want if you want to use alternative medicine be prepared for the alternative result. Being a dead cunt. That's the alternative. Right? You stupid fucking morons. He's nervous. I'm not nervous.

I love it. I love it. Sloss is coming with the fire. So Daniel, what's the book about? Sloss is cold with the fire So Daniel what's the book about? To be fair I do have I'm pretty sure I have that exact same rant in the fucking book Because it's

I got too excited then and my head got hot And then it passed out Coffee Packed coffee Who would be Who would be on your Your ball of who am I going to celebrate You can have one just have one each who would be on your ball of who am I going to celebrate

you can have one just one doesn't have to be contentious who will I genuinely at the minute I'm going for it's going to be more government it's Nadine Dorey

because she's quite clearly been sucking off and licking the gooch of Boris Johnson for many, many years. And she calls herself a scouser because she's born in Liverpool,

but that doesn't necessarily qualify you as a scouser. You're from Liverpool. You are a stain on the city and there will be an eruption when she's an awful, awful, awful, awful person. There will be an eruption.

Woo! There's a few comedians there's a few comedians yeah and they know who they are i've got a comic some of mine don't russell brand wait captain captain my captain Fucking Sloss You're an absolute legend Why don't you like Russell Brand? Allegedly For the reasons I can say on air Or the reasons I can

And now I'm nervous Can he do that? Allegedly Super injunction Allegedly Shut up Allegedly Yeah

He allegedly No Shut up Fuck off Adam He allegedly No Shut up Adam He allegedly robbed a Greggs With a sawn off shotgun Yeah I'm alleging that he did

That's sawn off Yeah On your fucking pasties Look at me here Cunt Shut up Dan So what's the book about

Which you know That was the out Carl Dan Burn a bridge Dan Burn a bridge So what's the book about? No. That was the out. Carl. Dan. Burn a bridge, Dan. Dan, burn a bridge. Can you get the book on Amazon? You can.

You can't throw it at anyone with Amazon. You can if you've got a Kindle and you're rich. Right. Okay. Yeah. You can download more books so it feels like it's heavy when it hits them. Is that how downloading works yeah

oh god yeah it must be surely this SD card's nearly full feel the weight of it SD cards do get heavier with a knife more full

yes they do the heavier a memory thing is the more full it is the heavier it is okay cool it's probably negligible but no it's not even negligible

you would notice the difference between a full hard drive and an mc1 oh yeah absolute nonsense oh no yeah it's not like Adam talks shit alright

oh that that SD card in the camera's full oh can't even get out the camera like dark matter we're googling this oh god Adam's face will change

in three two one no We're Googling this. Oh, God. Adam's face will change in three, two, one. No. Cool. Okay, yeah. We've gone to Reddit for the answers. Adam's looking for the one.

Yeah, but is it negligible? There you go. Ridiculously small amount. I win. He doesn't know what negligible means. You can't do a victory sip when it's not a victory sip that's not allowed i won't it's a lovely cup by the way lovely mug you've got there it's then available at have a word pod.com interesting to know

you can drink packed coffee in it i'm drinking right now i finished it that's how much I love packed coffee. Oh shit, sneak. I actually do love packed coffee. He just doesn't drink coffee but he has to do an app

every week. I just finished it. I love packed coffee. Delivered to your door in flavours. Sneak Energy are finally on board as a proper sponsor.

This chut, easy. This stuff is a game changer. to sneak and uh try some of the flavors my favorite is raspberry lemonade if you like sweet stuff this is going to be phenomenal for you instead of drinking lucasade which is shown up this is my advert gacky as fuck and all like bad for you try sneak zero zero calories and phenomenal since we've had it i've been fully addicted i've put my own order in word 10 put it in the creator's code and as a discount code the first 50 people

every month that use it as a discount code will get the 10 discount um but yeah put word 10 in uh the creator's code just to buy some sneak Because they're paying us 75 grand an episode Right I just want free sneak 75 grand an episode Dan is actually 75,000 pounds It's phenomenally addictive

Where are you on energy drinks? You're just a grown up aren't you? Yeah but I'll have coffee I'll drink some But I'm not You drink coffee? Yeah but not in the way that like coffee drinkers do

I'll drink coffee to make myself feel more awake if I don't feel awake I'm not one of these see I have to do that if I don't have my morning coffee I'm not myself I'm a cunt either way

I'm that person aye but I'm not doing it performatively I actually don't even say it out loud it's just a fact if I don't drink it the day is less fun aye

yeah 100% I can't stop I have to have this straight fun. Yeah, 100%. I can't stop. I have to have this straight away. And if I have three, I poo in my pants. All right. See, that's me with weed minus the poo in the pants. That's me. Right.

You have to smoke a lot of weed to shit yourself, don't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So much so you have to be so stoned that you just can't be bothered moving. Because it's not like you get so fucked that you forget. You're just like, I'll just, someone will have to clean me. Like, she's not going to get so fucking forget you're just like i'll just someone will have to clean me like she's not going to let me live like this where are you darling follow the smell oh the deers have shot again no they've not they've just become so used to my presence they came into the room and they shattered my house I've just call me Snow White

Snow Shite got a question from Jason he says firstly I've succumbed to the marketing ploy and bought a Manscaped set shaved my nether region for the first time

in about three years and now I'm able to jump five feet in the air Manscaped we've really whored ourselves just recently haven't we sneak energy on Manscaped my favourite sponsors

and also Pat Coffey. Can't get enough. Shut up! Yeah, okay, well, I will do. Need some ideas for this one. My wife and I are going up the north of Scotland for a blackening. Google it for a laugh. They're going for a blackening.

I had to Google it. Sloss, being the passionate, patriotic Scotsman that he is. You're an Edinburgh Scot, aren't you? Come on, you're a cultured city folk. Oh. What is it? So the engaged couple are kidnapped by friends and family and gunked with anything from rotten eggs to fish guts

to dog food and molasses. Why? Can't give the name. It feels pagan, that, doesn't it? It feels old school. It's to cleanse the bride and groom of any dirtiness oh my god

by throwing fucking dirt on them dog food oh my god you sounded so cabot well because I'm getting married in

Scotland next year black hen in black hen in black up black up sorry different things an increase in black population of Scotland by two.

Oh my God, an urban... The mathematician in me can't let this go. You do that in any country, you increase the black population by two. I should have gone for a percent, but then I... Yeah, you should. But the thing is, if I said 2% of Scotland, that would also be over-representing.

If you wanted to exaggerate, because I've got a joke in this year's show about the non-white population of Scotland is... Anyone? Guess how many non-whites in Scotland? 0.4%. It's 4%. And of that 4%, three quarters were born in England.

We literally import our colour From the country we call racist And that's how it's fucking done 4% of a Different skin colour I wonder what's England Oh it's 95% 10?

I bet it's not that high Oh here we go England I think my knowledge percentage is 16% that's 16 that's still so fucking small yeah that is not pretty low um anyway though they're going up for a blackening can't give the name of the couple or the date as i'm sure the groom listens to the podcast what do the lids suggest we take up to the cover the couple in so there jason's asking for gunk suggestions.

Usually stuff being prepared up there. Cow dung, fish guts, rotten eggs, etc. What can we bring that's going to cause a stir? I ask the best man if anything is off limits. The groom is deathly allergic to nuts. So nothing nutty. Anything else is fair game.

Horse cum. Dead expensive horse cum. Jason. Can we just say that this is a stupid thing? Yeah. Yes, it's daft, isn't it? But it's happening. But it's not fun even for the people. Even like if I got to throw cow shit at Carl,

I'd still have to hold and smell cow shit. Even though he's covered in it. It's still not even a fun day for me. I just don't get it. Right. Okay, cool. So you don't have to do it. So it's just fun suggestions, are they?

This is fucking stupid. Next. Jesus Christ. Absolutely ridiculous. Get them, take them all to Scotland and get them two tickets to Villarreal, Liverpool.

That's what I want to do. Cover them in screens to watch the Champions, Liverpool. That's what I want to do. Cover them in screens to watch the Champions League. I think that's good. Anything else? Stupid. You could, if you're covering them in shit

and dung and things, at the end, throw glitter on them just to prove that you can't polish a turd. Right, next. And then both turds are going to be polished. Very nice. Jizz, but someone else's. You know, you don't polish a turd. Right, next. And then both turds get polished. Jizz, but someone else's.

You know, you don't want to wank on a... That's a crime. You can't wank directly onto someone. But you can definitely steal someone else's cum. It's just dogging. Is that not the same crime? What? Is wanking onto someone a different crime than taking someone else's cum and

throwing it on them? 100% because in that one you've potentially sexually assaulted two people quick I need your cum oh you took the cum against their will

yeah wow I couldn't get it I didn't even agree to this but now it's started yeah well I can see that they do deserve that

so I guess I'll stand here and just be jerked off just use the fucking can we make an agreement between me and you if we ever do the wedding thing and stag do's

yeah can we just make it fun you can make me look a bit of a dickhead but can you just not throw poo and fish at me deal

you've got yourself a deal do I have to be involved in that deal no blackie have you done your stag yet no no what are you gonna do uh do you know yeah i assume it's kai yeah kai and my other it'd be a real shocker if it wasn't kai i think if it wasn't kai every gig you ever do now yeah i think if it wasn't kai he would have done it anyway We've got There's two

There's a Scotland one Which is A combination of me and my other best friend Who had his wedding in Stag during lockdown So we're having like a Scotland one Where we combine ours What did he do? What?

Had his wedding in lockdown Proper Yeah On Zoom No no No no no It opened up And then

And then closed down So it was like They managed to get like You can have 30 And then it was reduced to 15 on the day And there was no stag Oh my god Yeah yeah yeah

That's a tricky Eeny meeny miny moe isn't it Yeah yeah Everyone's at your foot in I put myself out I was like man Look you're doing it already At the stage you were not doing

So we'll not come We'll pretend it's not your wedding And we'll just do a party In a couple of years and that'll be your actual. Nice. Because the actual, I don't care about the actual. Thing.

Yeah, the thing. It's a celebration of the couple and you can do that at any point. Whereas the other one was, I'm using all of my money from our Patreon to pay for everyone I want my stag to get to Vegas because I wanted my stag to in Vegas to Vegas Because I wanted my stag to In Vegas

But I don't want to Outprice my friends So So just Fly all the cunts there And that And this is desperately In the hope

That By flying them to Vegas They'll be nicer to me And not Try and kill me I know A lot of your friends And that

All's that All you've done by paying for their flights is give them more money to hurt you with yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but it was like and like and i know kai's joking about it but by the sounds of things i don't think they've booked me into business class either like i think i think and which is you know it's in my stipulations but I don't think You're on one of those suspiciously cheap flights Only five connections and you get there in 38 hours I get there

And they've all done Vegas And I'm like, boy, am I exhausted You're exhausted, we've had three days here You've been through Amsterdam Schiphol three times On your way Shall we do some have a words Because that's the name of the podcast isn't it It is actually yeah

They call it that for a reason We didn't do any have a words last week did we Because we do whatever we fucking want Dan We're not tied to any boundaries We are boundless men Having a word was merely a feat Which grew Exactly

Alright thanks guys Cup lids Have a word with my missus, please. She keeps putting the ketchup and hot sauce in the fridge. What's wrong with the cupboard? For fuck's sake, who wants cold sauce? Absolute mentalist, Tom Muchley Duncan from Scunthorpe. It depends on the sauce.

Ketchup does go in the fridge. Hot sauce doesn't go in the fridge. Mayo does go in the fridge. Brown sauce doesn't go in the fridge. The only two that go in the fridge brown sauce doesn't go in the fridge the only two that go in the fridge are tomato sauce and mayo hot sauce

goes in the cupboard as does brown sauce and it's cold innit I actually think ketchup could go without none of you are on his level but I'm fucking

he's mad my right ear he's killing it finally I'm loving it I think ketchup doesn't have to be in the fridge I don't put it. Finally. I'm loving it. I think ketchup doesn't have to be in the fridge. I don't put it in the fridge.

I don't think ketchup... I know what you mean. Do you know what? If I came round to yours and I was like, can I have the ketchup? And you got it out the cupboard, I'd be fine. If you got me mayo out the cupboard, I'd spit it at your children. I'd ring the police.

Cool. I'll remember that. Go and get your kids. Remember that for the barbecue. Imagine my daughter's like setting up is uncle adam coming he is you want to get that mayo back in the fridge love all right or wear goggles yeah yeah one of those one of those full see-through visors they had at the start she loves adam yeah she calls him adam rolad is adam rolad coming annoyingly, whenever she sees this logo,

she goes, oh, it's Adam's podcast. What a woman. That's how you get up for adoption. What about chocolate in the fridge? That is a purely personal choice thing that I'll allow people. Chocolate can go in the fridge. As long as it's not open. As long as it's open, oh yeah once it's open it tastes

like fridge yeah it goes white it goes white on the edges it goes white on the edges it tastes like meat it does it tastes like it tastes like raw mints yeah chocolate that has been opened and put in the fridge tastes like mints before you cook it in the bolognese when you get your mints in the fucking meat drawer like why would you not put it no you could put it in the bolognese. When you get your mince out of the fridge- Why don't you put it in the fucking meat drawer? Like, why would you not put it in the- No, you could put it in an empty fridge. There's no- It's not contamination. Chocolate just smells like mince

when it's been exposed to extremely cold temperatures. Laura makes beans, and then always is like, oh, I haven't used all the beans. No! I'll pop them back in the fridge. No, you put them all on the plate and then scraped them in the bin.

Beans are 35 pence a tin. Don't be saving tins of beans in any capacity. Just get rid of, eat whatever you want and then throw the rest away. Exactly. I'm wrong, but I'm with Laura. Like if I'm, I will go, I only want half a tin of beans for this,

or it's from Fjords, I only want half a tin of beans. And what I'll do is I'll, with clinking over the top, as if I don't know myself, as if I'm the type of person that's ever gone, ooh, half a tin of beans. Oh, I'll have that for a snack during my fucking day. Cold and opened and shite. They've never been used again.

It's just there as a little, ugh. Cook them all. Bin them on your don't eat. Yes. Yeah. Beans on toast, even if you're having just you. It's a full tin of beans in the pan. Coat your toast in all of it,

and then you just leave whatever you want. How much toast? Three slices Over three, yeah Beans on toast Three slices of bread And beans on top? Yeah

Just soaked Yeah, yeah, yeah And also, I don't know With an egg Yeah, yeah, yeah He's never eaten an egg Dan has never eaten an egg once in his life I fucking despise eggs

I think they're chicken periods They're disgusting There's no need to eat them They're a fucking disgrace Thank you, Daniel Yeah, they're the worst Thank you Have disgusting. There's no need to eat them. They're a fucking disgrace. Thank you, Daniel. Yeah, they're the worst. Thank you.

Have you ever eaten one now? Is it good, man? Like in cake? Yes! Watch the world's clip.

You'll like it. I'm sure he will. Do you agree with the, I think it should be illegal for any company in the world Other than Heinz To make beans

Yes Like they've just done it They've nailed it It's over No Asda's beans are good Branston's beans Taste like shite

No no no no no no They're the best ones by a mile That's a non I've not even tried them And I know you're wrong No They're better than Heinz beans They're better than Heinz beans

Heinz are the gold Absolutely not true I swear to god You're on an island here You are I know you're wrong. No. They're better than Heinz Beans. They're better than Heinz Beans. Heinz are the gold. Absolutely not the gold. I swear to God. You're on an island here. You are. I want you to send me your address. I'm going to send you the four pack of Branson Beans

on me. God, this podcast is doing well. Check the company account. As the beans are like, you know, as those beans are sour, Branson I'm on into. Telling you.

Telling you they're the best ones. I would love it if this was the thing that caused a massive rift in their friendship. Branston PGP though. What about with my tomato sauce? Your Heinz tomato sauce? Yeah.

Heinz tomato sauce and HP brown sauce. Yeah, of course. Yeah. And daddies if they haven't got HP left. I've got daddies too. Definitely not the stuff they've got in a cafe. Because that is some rank tomato ketchup that they've got here.

Yeah, like piss. It's like the cheap stuff. It's like truck stop sachets. Yeah. Yeah. Where do you stand on this? Here's a question for you, right? Because we live in a capitalist society

and everything is for sale. But when a place charges you for sauce, you know like in Burger King, if you want a ketchup it's 20p that's in mcdonald's it's free what where do you stand it's not just free they actively give you too much of everything have you asked for a salt like when you go to mcdonald's you can have a salt they're like oh you must have meant 17 salts there you go but he uses them all alright cheers because I go oh this must be

how much salt you should use have you had fries yeah yeah I think no that's bad but unless it's a big

sort of tub like at KFC if you I love that what's that supercharger supercharger the supercharger

is like the spicy mayo you have to pay like 50p for that, but it's kind of a bigger tub and I get it. But if you're just asking for a bit of mayo or ketchup, they're almost like human right condiments. 100%. I don't enjoy the flavour of what you've given me 100%. So I'm allowed to, from this pre-decided set of ingredients,

to make it my own. If I were to take this out of the restaurant, you'd be fucking raging. from this pre-decided set of ingredients to make it my own. You don't get to like, if I were to take this out of the restaurant, you'd be fucking raging. So it is yours. You have to give it to me for free. It's not to be sold. Right.

Hot sauce, supercharger. Any of the funky ones? They're not the regular. Yeah, if you want white pepper. You're not the regular. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you could only have one sauce for the rest of your life.

So it is your options, right? Yes. I want you in on this as well. So you've got hot sauce, tomato sauce, brown sauce, mayo. I'm hot sauce. Hot sauce. Hot sauce because I can have a bacon sandwich, although I prefer it with tomato ketchup.

I can have it with hot sauce. I love hot sauce on meat. So what am I doing with that? Also, hot sauce on eggs. Your favourite? I'm out. Yeah. I'm out.

Hot sauce on a fucking scrambled eggs. I've tried. I'd like to eat, I'd love to like eggs. I think eggs are like, they're genuinely like a power food. And like, if to eat them,

you'd just be naturally healthy. I just can't. There's no way you can cook them where it just doesn't Feel like I'm Rimming a chicken And Do you like your eggs?

Yeah And if you rim a chicken They've got one of those The colics They've only got one Pussy butthole Isn't it? It's the same hole

It's a uni-hole Fuck off Is that true? Yeah Bards only have one Butthole and a pussy It's called a Qual

Oh fuck A bum pussy? It's called a Oh fuck A bum pussy It's called a bum pussy A Something What's the word? Cloaca Cloaca

That's it So yeah Eating eggs is just like Licking cloaca for me So you're telling me You're telling me That a chicken can finish Getting fucked

And then it'll shit Out the same hole Yeah It'll be at the same time Yeah same hole Yeah Yeah At the same time Yeah Anal and vaginal at the same time You DP a chicken with one dick She's quite the lady though isn't she

Yeah Oh that was fucking great There you go Scotch Get that on your black Another one That is good wasn't it Really sparked a debate that

Food always Pat myself on the back for that Well I mean blackening another one that is good isn't it really sparked to debate that food always pat myself on the back for that well I mean this question might have been done on this podcast before but I think it's the

one that causes the most fucking controversy in the world it's a bomb it's a bomb no don't do that sauce don't be doing

that you're on death row but you don't get your final meal your final meal is a tuck shop You get one packet of crisps

One chocolate And one drink Now to give you the worst answer Straight up of which a friend of mine Who will remain nameless but she fucking knows who she is This was her answer with 100% sincerity A bounty Straight away

I know I liked them but I wouldn't pick them don't need me top 10 oh you don't want to die with coconut on your mouth sparkling water oh paedophile who is this

paedophile yeah yeah yeah that's all I'm there for is she fit she has to be yeah of course she is I'm telling you her hard drive is heavy

and it's full of indecent pictures of children she's a paedophile thanks that's what you get it yeah oh kiddo and like sea salt and balsamic just like pictures of children she's a paedophile that's what you get it yeah oh kiddo

and like sea salt and balsamic just like like posh ready salted crisps do you have taste buds

I've got mine go on I know it mine's locked in so I'm assuming because you didn't extend the parameters

to the size of the packet of crisps that I can have a big share bag and you can't change it now you're on death row I'm not gonna

take it away from you so I would go the Walker's sensations the balsamic vinegar and onion one

they're fucking insane they're the best crisps on the planet and I'll fight anyone right a big bar

of the dairy milk you're just you're really like fat con options you can't kill me till I've

finished it just nibbling nibbling like- Fat cunt options. You can't kill me until I've finished it. Just nibbling. Nibbling like a novelty Toblerone. He's been on that for seven years on death row. Do you know the Marvelous Creations Dairy Milks with the pop and candy? Yeah. Right?

That and me drink is a can of Cherry Coke. Okay. Nice. All right. Solid. Dan? Squares. Ready salted Nice. All right. Solid. Dan? Squares. Ready salted squares.

Very salted. You got me on squares, but not- I love it. And you're talking to a man who's never eaten an egg. I'm not adventurous. Okay, right. All right. If I can't snort it, I don't trust it.

I go ready salted squares, which I really love. And drink, I would go sneak raspberry lemonade code word 10 in the creator's code and discount and I am not even joking I might go

raspberry lemonade sneak I've been drinking it all week this isn't raspberry so I want to be high energy for my own death are you eating a manscape lawnmower

for your fucking body as well I'm eating my own pubes that I've just shaved off. Oh, chocolate bar. It's such a fucking contentious one. I don't know, because it's about what mood I'm in. Are you dead sad because you're on death row? That's your mood.

Existential dread. I'm going to go double decker. You're a fucking man of respect. That's a good, solid choice. You talked the piss out of me years ago. We finished a game of five- That's a good, solid choice. You talked the piss out of me years ago. We finished a game of five-a-side. You bought a... Stop.

He bought a carrot juice and a pack of Worcestershire sauce crisp. Don't even start. I love Worcestershire sauce. So this is... Worcestershire sauce crisp, a double-decker, and I got a... You got a fucking carrot juice? Is that true?

Yes. Right, well... That was the thing you had the least problem with Double decker Worcestershire Caracucci Fucking child shagging gum Mine

Is kinder bueno Pack of watsits And a can of Can of Dr Pepper Okay What's yours? Double decker Salt and vinegar

Discos Oh Discos are nice The light The nice Can I bring A crisp back from the dead Because then in that case I might go pickled onion discos They got discontinued They were a fucking flavour sensation

And you got all the dust in the bottom At the end that you drink All for ten pence Then The Scotsman in me wants to say Iron brew but it would be lilt lilt you have to go to the chip shop

to get it did you just say absolutely I didn't mean to they should be my sponsor I've got the slogan cans or drinks are better Aren't they always

Yeah And a can A measurement of Iron brew from a bottle Got a can there If you want one Do you Can of iron brew

I'll absolutely fucking have it It'll never It'll never taste as good Out of a can You're gonna really Piss Sloss off here now Oh It's not

It's not It's good though It's good, though. It's good. It's good. It's better than the diet one. Old Tizer. If you can bring drinks back from the past, Old Tizer might come back.

I mean, I sound like every Scottish person. It's not as good as the old recipe. The one where you instantly got diabetes on the first sip. Which was our thing. You're taking away our national identity to die before we're 60. I used to love,

Iron Brew just have always done good adverts, haven't they? What's it taste like? The funniest part. Yeah. What's the flavour? Is it metal?

Yeah. It's metal, isn't it? I always thought bubblegum, but apparently it's just nah. I like the, so when they, the original recipe,

there was an ingredient in it, which only like the guy that owned it and his wife knew. And on all the adverts, they were like, the secret ingredient is Gurders. And that was the adverts and everyone laughed. And that's what it was meant to be. And then they tried to start selling it in America. And America was like, so what's the secret ingredient?

And they were like, it's Gerders. And they're like, it's not Gerders. What is the secret ingredient? And they're like, it's Gerders. We're not selling any of your fucking shit. And they didn't back down. So there's no iron brew that you can buy in America that tastes nothing like it.

And none of us know what's missing. Right. I knew it was metal. It's got to be. It's got to be. But that's a confabulated memory, isn't it? Maybe it is, yeah. Scotland is the only country on the planet

where the most popular carbonated drink is not Coca-Cola. And that's also an urban myth and not true at all. Yes, Adam was wrong. Negligible. No, no, and I only say that because I too have been you in that moment where I confidently put that forward and I too have been you in that moment where I confidently put that forward and then Mark Nelson

went wrong isn't that cherry drink in South America there's a cherry drink in South America that's massive cherryade

he's nailed it it is lovely cherryade the bar one oh seven up cherry alright this is making me thirsty and hungry

right another one this is from someone anonymous. Eyelids. We went to visit my family and my girlfriend saw my parents' brother feeding the dog by holding food between their lips and letting the dog take it. She also made comment on them letting the dog kiss them on the lips. I can acknowledge it's weird and I don't do it myself, i think lots of people do so feel quite on the fence about it

have a word girlfriend or my family nice one and none right here's my stance on this and i've believed this for a long time okay you treat your dog like you treat your kids right listen to me if you've got a child and they want to give their mum or their dad a kiss on the face, right? That's fine. But you wouldn't pour fucking whipped cream on your face and be like, come here, kid, and lick this off, right? The dog can give you a kiss on the face and, like, can lick you and you just sort of resist it and whatever.

But this is sexual. Food makes it sex yeah he's he's basically shagging a dog here between his lips don't do anything with your dog that you wouldn't do with your daughter wait that could put them on a lead put them on a lead i'm so confident i knew where adam was going. Listen, if you're willing to fuck your daughter, then go on. Fuck your dog. But I just think if, you know, it's the same thing. Well, I'm going, if you're willing to fuck your daughter,

the least of anyone's worries is that you'd also fuck your dog. I just think dogs lick bumholes. So do we. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah. You do. I do. There you you go slosh does as well right from

the back and ass from the front junior simpson's set coming out um i i yeah i just think i just think dogs do a lot of the that that not that dogs tongues are self-cleaning though isn't it cleaner than a toilet seat apparently it is Is it? I don't know. I'm not willing to be as convinced about that. Although the same guy who told me that also told me the iron brief facts. Lots of reliable. No, I just think people who kiss their dogs on the lips, it's just way too much.

Yeah. No, Adam's right. You don't actively do it, but if your dog's licking you, you're like, oh, fun. But don't go and kiss your dog. Yeah. Don't pick your dog up and be like, come here, you's right. You don't actively do it, but if your dog's licking you, you're like, oh, fun. But don't go and kiss your dog. Yeah. Don't pick your dog up and be like, come here, you fit bitch.

Can't do that. Is it implied here that they're French kissing the dog back? They put a food in their mouth? In my head, this is how you see, I saw this email, the dog's like, hey, come on, but you're like, I fucking love it. In my head, this is how you see, I saw this email, the dog's like, hey, come on. But you're like,

I fucking love. In my head, he's got. I love fucking dogs. In my head, he's got. I do this with my daughter, so it's not weird.

Former Q family, Merry Christmas. In my head, he's got like a fucking bit of bacon in his mouth. And like the lady in the tramp and bacon. I'll make it spaghetti if you want,

so it's proper lady in the tramp. Maybe you want. Yeah, don't be bought. Is it dog food as well? Food is for feeding and for sex. That's the only two things food is for. But you say that like it's a 50-50, whereas I feel like food is 99% for eating and 1% for eating.

Yeah, but you only ever eat it at the same time as someone else, the exact same thing in a sex way. You've never shared a baguette with Kai and fucking ate it across the table, even at the doomed fucking early tour days of Paris. Bollocks. Food is for eating and lovemaking.

And you've got to, you know, define those because otherwise you get thrown out of the Toby Carvery. But it's very clearly for two things. If me and you shared a Yorkshire puddin' at the Toby Carvery, we would be asked to leave. Right. How do you mean share? What, eat it at the same time?

Right. If I've got a fucking... You're going to have to plate that up, love. If I've got a Toby Carvery's Yorkshire puddin' in my mouth and I was like come here Dan and we shared it do you not think

they'd come over and be like look get out do you know what not to sound like the Kremlin not of a Toby Carvery no I don't

they're probably fucking thrilled you're not using the Yorkshire pudding as an ashtray I'm right about this sorry I've got to stop shagging you dog I nailed it early on I'm sorry to this Sorry I nailed it

Early on I'm sorry to have ruined The question straight away You dog people though Don't do anything to your dog You wouldn't do to your daughter Get it on a t-shirt There's definitely something

Name something The lead What? Put them on a lead No I didn't say You have to do everything To your dog That you do to your daughter

And also People do have the kids On leads now If you're not willing To put your dog that you do to your daughter. And also, people do have the kids on leads now. If you're not willing to put your dog in a Church of England primary school, then don't do it to your daughter. No, you're getting it the wrong way round.

I know I was doing it just for comedy. Okay, cool. I'm a stickler for the details. No, Dan. That's plainly ridiculous. Look, Dan. Right. Occasionally on this podcast,

I talk some shit and I have to sit here while you pick it apart. When I come up with something brilliant like this, I'm going to defend it resolutely. Brilliant. Brilliant.

Are you a dog person? You got dogs? Yeah, I love dogs. Always had dogs, but we've got a cat at the moment. But she's a mean coon, which are like the big fucking huge. Yeah, the boss.

Yeah, I mean, I'll show you. My cat is... It's the name of a cat. Maine Coon. Not my side one, my Maine one. They're big. So Steve Jobs. The dead kid on the beach.

Let's go back to that. Man, she's about this big big she's bigger than most dogs and oh they're beautiful oh they're the best cats in the world and also she's she was a breeding cat for years and years and years which when my parents rescued her she'd only ever like lived in one room in a house and like other cats would come around shag her she'd give birth and they'd take those away and like she had no fur on the front of her belly because she was just so fat it would drag along

the floor aww you rescued a sex traffic cat you did aye she just kept in some flat yeah well no and cats came round

to fuck her bang bang yeah because she was a pedigree and she was used for worth a lot of money all heaps yeah Maine Coons whoa whoa whoa

can we just just reverse the truck a second so this cat yeah was it did it have an owner slash abuser

that was getting other cats to come and fuck it no no I don't I don't think they would have classed it as like abuse

like if you like if you love animals you're like as abuse but there were breeders they were like no should we feed her

she only eats biscuits and it's like I've just got to clarify why I was confused for a second because in my head this was a cat

so fat it was in an abandoned house and I don't know where I got that from that it couldn't jump out the window and leave and then you went other cats would come around

and fuck it because it's a pedigree so I was like are all the cats talking to each other like there's a fucking Maine Coon over there by the way

go and get yourself some Maine Coon pussy. It's too far to move away. Might as well get away with a cat. That's what I thought was going on. I now understand

that it was a breeding thing and there was some very bad people involved. Don't worry. Just needed, you know. That's why you don't use breeders

because they keep them in shape once. Scottish Folds are my favourite cats. Which ones are those? The ones with the little legs and the layers. Oh yeah.

Like munchkins. Would you kiss one? Yeah, I'd fucking neck the head off it I'd feed a cat food on my ass cheeks I'd do that with my daughter though what about your son

no you'd let her eat cat food out of your butt even with that tongue oh yeah tickler oh yeah

car's dirty though the full valet like sandpaper reminds me of the Maldives right one more right one more Oh yeah, Carl's dirty though. Full valley. Like sandpaper. Reminds me of the Maldives. One more? Right, one more. Should we do it with the music?

I wish more gays wrote in, you know. Honestly. Hey, paint me orange and tickle me pink. You'll love this one. This is from a homosexual listener. He says, anonymous please. He says, anonymous. He says, anonymous please he says anonymous he says anonymous please to save my bacon

do you know if you're still still have to have a word we all till the end of time haveawordpod at gmail.com I've been seeing a guy for about six months everything's been going well

until recently he walked on me walked in on me watching some porn recently which normally wouldn't be anything major however the porn I was watching happened to be straight porn walked in on me watching some porn recently, which normally won't be anything major. However, the porn I was watching happened to be straight porn,

and his reaction was very unexpected. He went fucking berserk and accused me of lying about my sexuality and that I'd been disingenuous in our relationship for not telling him I enjoyed watching videos of the female equation as well. Okay? Have I done something disrespectful, or is he being way too over the top? Love the pod. So that's from another one of us. Yeah, look at that.

Six straight white men. Well, I don't think he's done anything wrong. I watch gay porn all the time. He does. And that doesn't make me gay. You know? It's the men who are gay on him. Yeah, it's the men in the videos.

It's the ones filming it. They're the gay ones. It's not me. Yeah, exactly. I can't be gay. I love pussy. yeah exactly I can't be gay I love pussy like I can't get enough of it

just because I'm watching men fuck each other every day because you respect men it's do you know what it is I respect masculinity so when I'm watching it

I'm not like oh in my head I'm always the one doing the fucking it's never in my ass which is less gay yeah

that's a fact so what's the question I tell you what I can't watch porn without a big old dick I'm always the one doing the fucking. It's never in my ass. Which is less gay. That's a fact. So what's the question? I tell you what, I can't watch porn without a big old dick. It's just a fact. You're not into lesbian porn? I'm like, yeah. When do we get to the business end of stuff?

Do you not watch lesbian porn? A bit. Okay, it's your mate. I know what you mean. It's definitely a side piece. You have to put yourself in it, don't you? And if there's no men, then... Oh, yeah.

And I need a big penis as well. I'm living the dream. I don't want to see some small knobhead like me struggle through the scene. I can watch lesbian porn and put myself in it. Yeah? Are you the cameraman? No.

No. He's just a really ugly lesbian. Fucking lat. Lat. Can you masturbate at the moment without thinking about the quadruple in Liverpool? I'm a lesbian going, Oh, Jürgen said to me, you know,

he'd scissor me fucking to Tim. Yes. I just watch it and be like, like when there's two lesbians going on and I'm like,

I just go off in a little fantasy. I just watch the start of it and then that starts the film going in my head and then I'm like, oh, do you know what? They proved this.

Me. Lesbian adding. They also think that. I bet there's two lesbians And they'll be like I wish In my head In my head

Of course they are Any impossible Yes Adam's the Yeah Get in Adam Is that

Have a word to Adam Rowe Naked from the waist down Wearing a Liverpool top With his big vagina Adam the lesbian's here Girls You're shit at being a lesbian I'm the best I've been practising pool top with his big vagina Adam the lesbian's here girls you're shit at being a lesbian I'm the best I've been practising for six weeks

yeah yeah yeah get on me literally do get on me this feels like this gay guy who's mad at this gay guy because he's like essentially you watched straight porn as a gay person it's like well that feels a bit I guess like if you were in a straight relationship

and you walked in on your partner watching gay porn. I think Laura would be fully freaked out if she heard the slap of thigh and arse and was like, what are you watching? Because she knows how it's going. If it was gay porn, I honestly think it would make her go, what is going on?

Yeah, but in the straight porn, there's still a man's willy. No. Yeah, I know what you mean. Maybe he's imagining getting being the girl but if you watch gay porn there's nothing that you're attracted to in that video right but can you see it from the argument of your partner walks in and goes that is a different sexuality to the one that you're meant to be part of yes right i think that is sort of makes it a valid thing it does in this? It does, but it's also what you find,

it's what the sexual side of it is. I mean, I agree with you. We is just jerking off to the guy being like, it's nice to watch a guy fuck, and look, I'd like to watch him fucking woman, but that guy doesn't like fucking women, so I'll just watch him. Yeah, he's an attractive guy.

That guy doesn't want to fuck men, sorry, I'll just watch him fuck women. And also,'s I mean It happens all the time I've heard in the LGBT community Boys Existing in the middle And they're allowed to

You know You're allowed to just fancy it all It sounds a bit It sounds like he That homosexual you know Is a fucking bigot mate He's a bit hardline He's a hardline guy

You've found a homophobic poof That's what's happened And And And I think that's what's happening. And I think that's, I don't think you should tolerate them. I personally think you should bash them. That's what I think. Oh, wow. Can't believe you got your pro gay bit

that Russia didn't allow. I'm so glad I got to do it. What the translator would have done with that bit I don't know what was just said but I know it was wrong but why am I hard I think you've got to we don't really know why you're watching it

we're sort of speculating here so I think you've got to be honest with yourself if you're into the straights you've got to go back to it and be like look lad I am mainly gay, but occasionally I like the sight of a pussy getting pounded, and that's okay. And if he's so fucking homophobic, that horrible homophobic person,

if he's so, that he can't put up with that, then get out of that bigot relationship, because it's 2022. It is, yeah. There you go. He's not very open-minded, this fella you're seeing. No. This gay guy. He's open something, but He's not very open minded This fella you're seeing This gay guy

He's open something But he's not open minded Asshole That's bad Some people don't get all the jokes But they don't let them get it It's not for them Because now we've included A bunch of fucking morons We're like oh I't let them get it it's not for them because now we've included

a bunch of fucking morons we're like oh my god now we're getting the joke wasn't for those and I'll see all of them in Blackpool tonight where can we find you Dan?

I'm on social media but I don't do any of it myself apart from Instagram me and Kai have a podcast called Sloss and Humphries on the Road which is about whenever we're touring and on the road

and my book Everyone You Hate Is Going to Die is available wherever you buy fucking books. I've added the last of my tour dates, I'm not adding any more, this is it. Whatever's on my website right now is the end of it, I'm doing no more.

Manchester's got a handful left for the sixth and final date. Birmingham's got about 50 left I think for the fifth and final date. Chester's I think might be sold out by now for the sixth one there. Leeds has got a few left. Sheffield has got a chunk left.

Nottingham's got some left. Edinburgh and Glasgow have got a little tiny Nottingham's got some left Edinburgh and Glasgow have got a little tiny bit left football for those sounds like

somebody doesn't know what venue size they belong in that is exactly what happened I went you know what we don't

really know what impact this has had so I'll just do the venues I did on the last tour yeah mistake

that's what caused me to have a mental breakdown on my last tour so be careful and may I recommend therapy where'd you get those tickets Adam?

Adam Rose Or code UK Forward slash shoes I've got previews starting This summer I will be at the King's Arms in Salford I'm also doing

Ormskirk Darlington Hull Preston Ambleside There's a gig in Birkenhead Danspreviews.com To find all the previews there

That's not even the tour If you want to buy tickets for it when it's all polished. Hang on a minute, Daniel. I just remembered something else. On Friday the 9th of December, I'm sure we're up to something. No, I'm not asked.

Oh, yeah, yeah. We're doing an arena. We're doing an arena. That'll be fun, won't it? Yes. It's going to be more of a party than a show. gigsandtours.com for that.

And what are we plugging, Finn? We have got the music for the end of the audio so if you're a video subscriber watcher, viewer, listener, whatever you don't get the

music because YouTube will take all of our money away if we give you it the audio people go on Spotify now and just listen to

the song anyway that's the end who have we got Finn we have got a listener called Lawrence who's part of a band

called The Beautiful Game this is their song In Clifton Alone. If you want your music considered, finley at haveawordnetwork.com. There you go. Finn picks all of that because he's a musician

and we don't really give a fuck. Word 10. Ta-ra, guys. The mirror tells me that I've decayed I'm ten beers in and quite a stay In Clifton alone, I just can't win Forgotten nights and morning jinn The credits roll, I'm all alone Lay down your guns, lay out the ghost

The credits roll, I'm all alone Lay down your guns Lay out the ghost My friends are all out Looking for love. I'm in the bookies of a pub. Can't pay my phone bill. I can't pay the man.

Now the drummer's left the band. The credits roll. I'm all alone. Lay down your guns. Lay out the ghost. The credits roll. I'm all alone. Lay down your guns.

Lay out the ghost. home lay down your guns lay out the ghost wait a minute darling this is happening Wait a minute darling This is happening Wait a minute darling This is happening

Wait a minute, darling This is my end The credits roll I'm all alone Lay down your guns Lay out the ghost The credits roll I'm all alone Lay down your guns

Lay out the ghost The Alpha Ghost