Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #176 with Jamie Hutchinson - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: June 13, 2022

Our December arena show is on sale now! Tickets at: https://sjm.lnk.to/HAWORDUPCOMING SHOW TICKETS @ dannightingale.com & adamrowe.co.uk/showsDan's new Chester city centre comedy club, The CCC, starts on Saturday 11 June. Checkout the website http://comediansclubchester.com for the rest of the years shows.Thanks so much for listening. Give us a follow on socials @haveawordpod and make sure to subscribe to the podcast on your app and to our channel at: YouTube.com/haveawordpod. Full episodes in video on da'tube.And if you'd like an extra episode of our lids, every week, in video and audio... sign upto our Patreon.com/haveawordpod. From as little as £3 a month you get the weekly exclusive ep. and a load of other perks. Enjoy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Now, I'm getting the word, nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn.

You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only the now infamous the soon to be legendary have a word go Ed get on me I have got no big drives left on my tour. Oh, nice. And I honestly can't tell you how happy that... I got back from Glasgow.

We? Went dizzy then. At four o'clock this morning. Wow. We? That's early for dizzy. Sleeping in the car. No. I was a from Glasgow. We? Went dizzy then. At four o'clock this morning. Wow. We? That's early for dizzy. Sleeping in the car. No.

I was a good passenger. I kept dozing off and waiting for myself. That's a good passenger, isn't it? That's what you need. Why do you keep driving back from these very distant places? Because we've got this. Yeah. It's true.

You do have this. Yeah. Every time you get a co-host on, they're shite. Pathite pathetic they can't do what i can do hi sean you're right sean walsh getting thrown under the bus that car was asleep in i know what you mean yeah okay fair enough let's just stop twice that's the problem if you have a tour that was going to be 35 dates and then became 78 dates in it yeah adam what's your tour looking like yeah i'm gonna play 97 front rooms that's what i'm gonna do just keep adding

them um no i bet fair enough good for you for getting back but i just actually it's gonna be seven seven dates i'm gonna do it you know like when when a big american band comes over from the states and they go we're doing gl Glasgow, Manchester, Birmingham, London, Rochdale, and Cardiff. That's all I'm doing. So you're going to go from seven fucking frog and buckets to an arena. Yeah. That's good.

Well, we were speaking about being, I was like, oh, I'm going to drive home later. And he went, how many tours do you do? Because Jason Manford was in the green room. And he went, there's 260 I'm doing. It's like what Sloss said when he was on here. He's like, yeah, shut up. Jason does four shows.

So Jason Manford was at the show at Glasgow last night. Very nice of him. How cool was that? He was filming, he's filming a game show, which he's filming at the BBC up in Glasgow. So he texted me and was like, I'm going to come down and watch. And then when he was there, he was like, can I go on and bring you up?

And I was like, of course you can. You're fucking Jason Manford, you can do whatever you want. Very nice surprise. What was really nice was the audience's reaction because Gareth Wars opens. They think they've had the support act and Gareth smashed it, brilliant. Had a break.

And then I've got a full disclosure. Last night is the only tour show that I haven't done the Warhunt song you give me because I just couldn't. It's fine. Right? Oh, he made it very explicit in Edinburgh. They were were like oh we can only use audio music he's like no we use this music yeah i've got a bet like he was what do you mean in edinburgh they said they've got oh we've got like 30 songs we've paid the prs on you can only have one of them and i went no no

no get spotify they're like oh we've got spotify we're not allowed to use it i was like just play this one song oh shove it up your fucking bumhole it's a 180 seater venue like we should because PRS they've got spies in they're watching

like oh my god is this Rihanna shoot them like it's fucking ridiculous calm down you big quack some of these venues are proper uptight

see you on tour but yeah when the sound guy went to it ladies and gentlemen please welcome tonight's special guest Jason Manford

I felt the audience go nah not me no and then as he come into like the light they went

hey fucking hell Adam's doing alright he's got fucking Manford yeah but Manford does a 260 day tour over a span of like two years

oh yeah yeah no thank you look I'm so grateful for now being on tour and doing one man shows don't know if I'd want to do that many I think I'm going to do a 500 day tour next in three months

across the span of three years really really work on it. Yeah. Tight. Just get it really tight. All the material would have changed. It'll be seven hours long. When are you filming this special?

Yeah. Oh, it's just ridiculous, the amount. I mean, that is incredible, isn't it? That many people want to come see you live, but it feels like there's a... I don't know. What do I know? But how cool is that?

That he was like, yeah, I'm just going to come on. Can I come on? That's fucking great. It's great. The game's changing a little bit. I know but how cool is that that he was like yeah I'm just gonna come on can I come on that's fucking great it's great the game's changing a little bit I know people are more willing to do stuff like that now

but this tour is really slowly edging towards its end I've fixed it I've fixed it because it was the wrong way round I had the set the wrong way round and the end

as the audience didn't know this but I knew the end wasn't quite right and I've swapped some stuff around and now it works and i figured it out on stage in edinburgh but when it's in time to be recorded literally nice um because i was a bit trepidatious about that um here's what's left the 13th of june which is when this episode will go public in oxford there are tickets left for that the 15th of june which is when this episode will go public in Oxford, there are tickets left for that. The 15th of June,

which is in London, there are tickets left for that. And that is it. I think every other date is sold out, but we might be adding one little special thing as part of the filming. So keep your eyes out for that. And the 25th of June at the Philly,

I'm not sure if it's ever called that the Philharmonic is the tickets left for that they call it the Philbo in Liverpool the Philbo yeah I call it the Phil Collins we call it the Philbo Baggins

Philbo Baggins yeah call it the Phil Mitchell it's on his it's on his poster Philbo yeah see you at the Philbo

that's what they say as well when they let you in alright lads welcome to the fucking Philbo that's what I like yeah usually do like let you in. All right, lads, welcome to the fucking Philbo. That's what I like, yeah. Usually do like music and gay shit, but talking's well better.

By the way, I don't know if we talked about it on the pod, but that day when I walked in, I don't know, I can't remember if we talked about it, but the way they opened the door and they were like, hello, and I was like, hi, I'm Dan. And they were like, oh yeah, you are, yeah. I was like, I'm supporting Adam. She was like, great, do you know where you're going? You're like, hi, I'm Dan. And they were like, oh yeah, you are, yeah. I was like, I'm supporting Adam. She was like, great. Do you know where you're going?

You're like, no. Show me. Cause I never had one of my boys do the Philbo. First time at the Philbo. Philharmonic is sold out, bar and single seats. There was a few pairs left yesterday, but they went yesterday.

Hey, but Lone Wolf it. Oh, oh. Don't, don't. We get a lot of these messages like, fuck, should I do it? Should I do it? Do it. You'll be surrounded by lids.

It's amazing. The atmosphere is fucking incredible. And it's fancy dress as well, remember. And if you are one of those last people and you're feeling trepidatious and you want to come, just think, Jason Manford might be on.

Peter Kay might just turn up. Mickey Flanagan's probably going to do 10 minutes. We've got a hologram of Richard Pryor. You should be dressed. You will feel stupid if you don't come in fancy dress. Lad, lad, get Alice in Wonderland on. Turn up. Do you remember when it was on clothes day in school

and someone turned up in the uniform? Ah. You'll be that guy. Turn up in your fancy dress. Is that basically child abuse? No, it's forgot. That's when they forget, innit? I think it's borderline child abuse

if everyone else is in their fucking clothes. Did you used to have toy day? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Everyone brought wrestling rings in. Oh, my God. Little ones. Oh, toy day was so good.

Full size wrestling rings. Full size wrestling rings. You said toy day. You didn't specify how small they had to be. Like big toys. I've got an octagon. And you could tell who was rich as well. There's always been two, like a kid or two,

where you're like, what the fuck? Did you ever get to bring a PlayStation in? Never got that many... When I was in primary school... Oh, dear. There was no PlayStation. PlayStation 1 came out when I was in secondary school. Did you get to bring one of those balls and a cup in?

I've already done that joke. That's my joke. It's still my fucking joke. What was toys in your school for toy day? Yo-yos. What? What? Comes back?

Fuck off. Spoonmolangs. Spoonmolangs. What do you mean a spoonmolang? I went to prime school in Australia. Everyone's got them. No one brought... but what did I, prime school would have been,

oh, this is, you're going to fucking hammer. Yeah, mate. Transformers, Thundercats. Love Thundercats. What's the name? Computer-wise, you are going to, this is going to be so painful and I don't want to say it. Boobs.

That had just been invented the sinclair spectrum before that was the spectrum sinclair spectrum was the first uh games console this is how funny this is i've never heard of this no no look at that that's not a game that is you. You put tapes in it. The games were tapes. I'm not joking. It's the game spreadsheets. That's my first computer. And that's the pedophile that made it. Clive Sinclair. Hang on. This is how I catch children.

So what was the function of this? It's a computer games console. But what did it connect to? The TV. Did you have tellies? Shut up up you rat Connected to the wireless And then

Also That was my one I had a Sinclair Spectrum Could you put in Commodore C64 I've heard of this Fuck off Have you?

Yeah It's on the front of the PSG kit Then you were Yeah I think my mate Chris Hogg had one of them Jesus Christ And then if you were really balling

The Amiga 500 No Amiga Yeah that's it That's the Amiga 500 Just like the computers We had in school in like reception And that's how we won the war on one and that was in just like the computers we had in school in like reception and that's how we won the war

on one of them that's how we beat the Nazis 1945 look at the mouse holy shit I'm so old that's so painful have you still got one of them?

honestly honestly yeah so now I've got the garden office my ability to buy shit because in the past I've collected stuff like, I used to collect He-Man figures and I had some Transformers.

And then because I've moved around so much, I even bought them on eBay about 15 years ago. I was like, oh, that'd be quality, a bit of retro. And then because I was moving around so much, I never had anywhere for them. So about five, six years ago, when I first met Laura, we lived in Nottingham, and I sold so much shit on eBay. I just did a massive

and I regret it so much because now I've got the room for all of this stuff it can just be in the garden office this is what happens when you let women

control your life yeah it was that that was it that's what I meant I hate Laura I didn't articulate it properly but you said it right

and I never want to have sex again so that's great hi babe it's your fault hashtag says Adam what did you used to wear

for own clothes day? own clothes day? yeah my goalie tracksuit oh yeah bullied I remember when mum got me an Adidas shell suit

it was one of the greatest days of my life because my mum was so fucking tight she was like there's nothing wrong with that I'm like mum It's a Gola track suit I'm gonna get murdered

But like now Golas like come full circle Well It was Not more than One quarter away Through that circle It was a Gola track suit

And I looked like A little fucking knobhead When she was like Adidas Oh my god An Adidas shell suit Fuck me It was so good

Has Gola come back around for you? It was such a passive Do you wear Gola? When she was like Adidas, oh my God. An Adidas shell suit. Fuck me, it was so good. Has Gola come back around for you? Do you wear Gola? Oh, it's real, isn't it? I imagine real to be like Gola laden. Well, what do you buy from Matalan? It's probably not Adidas, is it? Is it Gola?

It's all Alessi. No, it's not. It's just Matalan own because it's... Matalan, I got some good regatta stuff in there. All right, give that. You're such a paedophile. You're worse give that, you're such a paedophile. You're worse than me. You're a young paedophile. Regatta shoes.

No, but I mean, if you're an old paedophile, you're like, ah, well, you know. That's the game, but a young paedo, that's really bad. I used to love

own clothes, didn't me. What did you wear? I just said own clothes, didn't I? What? Doesn't matter. Carry on. Footy trackies,

weren't I? Yeah. I don't know if they're around in your time. I had a Marseille trackie. Sorry, what did you say? Footy trackies weren't they yeah they were neither around in your time I had a Marseille trackie sorry what did you say footy trackies weren't around in my time no

what are you talking about as in like a street style yeah like a shell suit or a trackie no no no it's not a shell suit it's like a

it's like a branded like a Valencia trackie yeah alright cool I had that one as well Valencia Marseille end of list two of them

Lacoste thank god we got that end of list I didn't have a Lacoste never had one but they were common

I had Lacoste when I was a kid when I was really young yeah I mean when I was 15, 16, 17 then Kappa was pretty big

I had a Kappa tracksuit top that was when Kappa were like doing. I had a Kappa tracksuit top. That was when Kappa were like doing the Man City kit, which was fucking incredible. Like Man City were dead cool before they got relegated. Kappa's cool as fuck now as well.

Right. I also had a Sergio Ticini tracksuit top, which I don't think was ever cool, but I bought that. I can't even blame my mum. It's cool that you played tennis in Italy. Oh my God, I genuinely, and I did. Yeah, I was raised in Australia. That's where I got my boom i genuinely and i did yeah i was raised in australia that's why i got my boomerang and then my mum was like right we're moving to italy because you're so good at tennis i used to love a boomerang when i was a kid i had a boomerang for a bit you are not

the kind of kid that should have been given a boomerang your attention deficit is so bad that i think you could throw a boomerang and forgot you'd thrown it come back and just twat an old lady walk in the. Did he work? Yeah, they do work. As much as you think they're going to work. They come right back. It's physics. Wherever you throw it from, it goes right back to.

You just need a lot of park and not like your back garden. That's the classic dickhead move of a kid, isn't it? When you get a boomerang and you just go out the back and go, hey, twat into another garden. Never use the boomerang. So me and our next door neighbours, so there was me and our Jack and next door we had Sophie and Chloe

and Sophie was my age and Chloe was Jack's age. So in the summer, we had like, you know, those six foot fences with like, they've got like a concrete slab at the bottom and concrete pillars. Slide them out. And you just take the fence out and we had like a big back garden

between the four of us shut up yeah we did that you did that's so cool yeah that's so cool we'd share each other's stuff

they had like a Wendy house and a slide and we had rocks my dad was so get off me rocks my dad was so grumpy throughout all of my childhood if I'd have moved

a panel of fencing without full written permission from my dad. My dad would do it for us. My dad was such a grump. He'd come out and just lift it out and then we'd all,

because we had a tyre swing in our back garden attached to the tree and they had like a slide and stuff and a swing. That's amazing. That's the first co-op.

Yeah. Nice one. Take them out, you cool bastards. Get these out. Dad! I can't believe you. Don't worry about it burning. That's what they were madeop. Yeah. Nice one. Take them out, you cool bastards. Get these out. Dad! Don't worry about it burning. That's what they were made for, isn't it?

Yeah. Slide out. Yeah. Yeah, they were made to slide out, but I just don't think buy kids to fuck around with the neighbours. It's the coolest thing I've ever heard, and I respect it. Yeah. And then, like, a weekend of a night,

like, the next- door neighbours would get like drunk with me dad and me mum and they'd just have a big back garden between the four of them where they'll just run around causing chaos. So cool. Oh shit. Summer holidays were fucking brilliant.

Summer holidays when you were a kid lasted three years. Oh no, that first Saturday morning it was summer holidays like, oh my God, what am I going to do for four and a half months? Because that's how it works, isn't it? The feeling of walking out of school on the last day. You never walked, though, did you? Ties around your head, fucking loving it.

I'll see you in six months. It's somewhere between four and a half months and four and a half years. It really, really did feel like that, though. And when that first week back at school, it was like you'd forgot how to school. You couldn't write it out. Oh, you couldn't write it out? Oh! Oh! That first week back at school, it was like you'd forgot how to school. You couldn't write it. Oh, you couldn't write it. Oh!

Oh! Ah! What year is it? What a long year! Same year as the one we left as well. Do you know what? I'm watching it now, and she's getting tired.

She's getting tired this year. It must have happened to us. You know, towards the end of the summer. Get it on the modafinil. If you weren't, oh, that's a good, another parenting tip from get it on the modafinil if you weren't oh that's a good another parenting tip from adam cage modafinil not not together that's cruel um you watch her she's just getting a bit like knackered like it's been a lot the summer break is needed i can't ever remember that as a kid because you're like just a kid you were

just living it but we must have been getting to the end of the term the teachers must be like oh just let these little knobheads out let them go because do you remember like the last week or two weeks in july if you're in like year eight or nine you weren't really doing exams or anything you just started getting fucking feral didn't you all i can see is the uh the grass that's been mowing on the field yeah you're just on the field all day yeah You're not even doing lessons, you're just running around the field. It's not like you'd get a history and the teacher would be like, right, mate, no history today, mate. Football, mate.

Wow, you had an Irish teacher. Really good. Come on, mate, we have broken all the books, mate, so we're going to play football on the field. I remember teachers, now I realise what it was. It was just them going, can't be fucked. They've gone. Mentally, we'd all gone. I remember classes, we we're just gonna go we're gonna go out on the field oh we just had a whole or when they'd wheel in that telly put matilda here comes the telly

here comes the telly it's nearly as big as dan nightingale's computer console from 1988 german in little school when you put all the classes together you'd watch it a christmas film together like four classes on the floor oh my god yeah i used to love that oh mate i'd love to go back to school you know fuck me i remember mr edwards our chemistry teacher we went to school with a guy called john lloyd who i think i've talked about before it was just he's like his hormones kicked in when he was about eight he's like he was hormones kicked in when he was about eight. He's like, he was getting served at 12. He's just like a grown man at an old lad school.

We all looked up to him. He was funny as fuck. He basically left the school just before GCSEs. I don't, I think he was sort of invited to, I don't know. They moved away. He wasn't there for GCSEs. But from first to third year, that cunt made every day more fun like harder to work he was just such a fucking and he got he was really good at knowing how far to push certain teachers like i think i've said this on a previous episode we had an rs teacher called boggy whitmore mr whitmore

and he was famous boggy whitmore boggy whitmore he had a'd have been dead. He had like an Amish sort of wraparound beard. Right? He'd have been so dead. And he was into violins. It was like a rumour, a rumour that he was into violins. So if you caught him in the right way, you could go, Mr. Whitmore,

and it was never us, but Brave Enough, it was always John Lloyd, who was like, sir, like at the start of a lesson. Yeah, that tone of voice from a year nine, honestly, is them trying to write the lesson off in there. Sir, hey, I've heard, right, just rumours, right, that your daughter's fit. Mr. Whitmore, I'm really interested in violins.

Could you tell us how to make a violin and the game was to try and keep boggy whitmore going so you could do because our lessons were an hour our lessons were an hour how far into that could you get before you went oh never mind about this i'm gonna teach you religion we once got him to literally honestly it was four minutes before the end of class and john lloyd was just at the back going keep him going keep him going and if you tried to ruin it john lloyd would fucking kill you he'd be like oh yes sir really and how'd you get the strings on oh if you're really interested fletcher i will tell you fucking legend and once he got mr edwards the chemistry teacher to just do a stand-up set one One of the best things I've ever seen.

I'd pitched it at third year, year nine. It must have been end of year. Everyone's not concentrating. Mr. Edwards was boring. Not a bad dude, but a boring teacher. And John Lloyd got him telling stories, similar to Boggy Whitmore. But then, my memory of it is, he's laughing,

but I was watching John Lloyd. So John Lloyd was laughing enough to think, to make Mr. Edwards think he was ripping it, but not enough to make Mr. Edwards go, you're taking the piss. So I would, like, fucking, Mr. Edwards was telling the story about playing cricket. I never got it.

You know, the ball's coming at you. You'd be like, bloody hell, it's going to hurt me. And John Lloyd was like, great, great, good, sir. So I was watching John Lloyd totally take the great good sir so I was watching John Lloyd totally take the piss and I honestly saw in Mr. Edwards eyes

he was like I'm fucking ripping this as a comedian I know that look that look of like fucking all this new stuff's going well the whole lesson was Mr. Edwards

just telling stories chemistry that I can't remember when that was on the that must have been the end of the year and Mr. Edwards went on to be mickey flanagan yeah mr edwards is now doing live at the apollo which is great who is that blonde ball edward yeah we i've told this story

on the podcast before there was a supply teacher in our school called miss murphy and she pretended to be like an in the know about footy footy, and she was a massive Liverpool fan, season ticket holder, I think. And if you got her talking about footy in the first five minutes of the lesson, the lesson's over. Like, she would not stop. Yeah, we didn't have to lead her.

We'd start her and sit back. Yeah. She was a supply teacher. Yeah. Are they a bit like Maverick anyway? Because they're like... You know, like a permanent resident supply teacher? Right, right, right, right.

So, like, she was always in our school, and she just covered whoever was off. She was Solskjaer. She was a super sub. Yeah, literally. Right, right. So, but she... I remember her trying to tell Everton fans in our class

that Art Hesser and Tim Cahill were both going to Everton in the summer. I remember Liverpool fan in... I think she was covering a history lesson. What was the subject that Mr Rowan taught I do yeah right

so I think I I that was just an abacus for me I think someone went hey miss have you heard these rumours

about like Artether and Cale she's like sit down pens down and I was just gone it was fucking

a brilliant we've told the story i love i loved it i loved it when you you just you had to pitch it just right if you were taking the piss too much they're not idiots but some of these this is no offense if you're a teacher i look back now and think some of those teachers were just fucking geeks they were just grown-up geeks were like oh my show was like i like, I like chemistry. He's never told a story that's got a laugh in his fucking life. Now a load of 13-year-olds

are ripping, taking the piss. So good. Did you do sex education? I teach it now to grown women. Oh, good. Fuck for that.

Get your pipettes. Biology. Yeah yeah we must have done some that's your pussy look at my cock yeah that's how you get thrown out of most

schools innit Mr Rowe Mr Rowe alright it's a night school night school sexy night school just aiming one

bird in his house night school yeah night school's in get your protractors out. Do you remember Mr Hughes' lesson? No. We had sex education with Mr Hughes. For some reason he got wheeled in

to teach you. Was he disabled? No. Oh, right. As in, like, it was just a turn of phrase. I just thought... Okay, cool. Right, okay. He literally is just a guy on a sort of

defibrillator like he's been teaching here for 82 years like patches of hooligan yeah just roll him in no he went right we're doing

sex education today he went you've got a minute and you can shout whatever you want anything don't care so if I'm just going

ah cocks and that and then at the end he was like right let's start the lesson and everyone was bored of it and we just had a normal sex education lesson And you can shout whatever you want. Anything. I don't care. So if I'm just going, ah, cocks in there. And then at the end, he was like, right, let's start the lesson. And everyone was bored of it. And we just had a normal sex education lesson. It was great. So you got all the- Did you ever have to put a condom on a banana? Yeah.

We had to put it on the teacher. You had to- Really? Over his head. Suffocate him. Kill him. Now, did you ever have to put a condom on a banana? Or like a cucumber?

Now did you ever have to put a condom on a banana? Or like a cucumber? Ours was a C of E Like church affiliated How the fuck You were a Catholic school I'm saying Can't remember ever seeing condoms on bananas We got told about condoms like

Even though it was a Catholic school Really? Yeah yeah yeah I had to put a condom on a banana In front of the whole class Come off it No we did Really? Mr Brown Or Miss Hawley Peeled or What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had to put a condom on a banana in front of the whole class. Come off it. No, we did.

Really? Mr. Brown. Or Miss Hawley. Peeled, or? What? Peeled, or? Not peeled. No, not peeled.

Oh, not peeled. He'd just peel the top a little bit. 12-year-old Adam's there with a banana going, this is ridiculously small. Got any bigger bananas? Got a bottle of squash. Yeah, we have to do all that. I can't remember seeing a cup.

Mate, if anyone who was at school... To practice fingering on a Cornish pasty. Yeah. Didn't you do that? I love it when he really gets me. This is not even warm. My pasty's freezing. Fucking frigid pasty. Anal beads.

Let's put them in. Wow. Each other. Very progressive, weren't they, Cardinal Heenan? This wasn't in class. Oh, this is down the Cindy path. It's on them in. Wow. Very progressive, weren't they, Cardinal Heenan? This wasn't in class. This is down the Cindy path. Get the fucking beads out of my ass, lad.

We had to practice fingering on a pasty. Let's put a condom on a banana. Make love to a watermelon. We had to practice telling someone else that we had an std and they needed to get checked oh not a p that's actually not a lie so we didn't finger the pasty that was for lols but we had to look our friend in the eye great lols and say uh you know when we had sex and we didn't use protection i've now got an infection and that means you and we had to deliver that new bars you cannot have had to role play

lad i'll give you an st you went to an all boys catholic school yeah they've been worse if it was boys and girls surely because it was just we knew it was just tongue-in-cheek and laughing but we knew what we had to do because it was year 11 so it was like people were starting to have sex yeah and what was the role play after that? Talking about, like, who's going to get an abortion? Was that too far? Oh, he's cool. I've got too much to live for, Carl. Like, well, I'll have the baby.

Your mum will help me raise her. Scene. Great work, guys. Really good work. Hey, Adam and Carl on table three. Really well done. Carl's crying, like, don't give a fuck. No one's taking my baby.

Really good scene. And that's what God wants, Adam. God wasn't in our science lessons. He was watching. That's weird, Devon. He just thought of that. We didn't have any Catholic science lessons in terms of that. Good, good.

It's all old hat now innit like we had we had RA but even like the RA teachers it never felt like they believed in it where does the love was a lesson once

by black eyed peas yeah oh that I remember you telling us about that where is the love for the whole song one of my

my last memories of RA right I need a bit of paper was Miss Smith who is now the head teacher of Cardinal Eden. First name Karen.

Now Mrs. So, I'm going to do to you what she did to us one day. And she expected a class full of, I think this was year 8 or 9 maybe?

Probably. A class full of children of that age to understand exactly what she was meaning. So she goes, and she's Irish as well. Very Northern Irish. All right, mate.

Do the voice. Hello, my name is Miss Smith. So she says, Hello, mate. My name is Smith, mate. Do it properly. Red, mate. No, do proper Mrs. Smith.

Hello there. All she said was, No. No. No. No. She's from Northern Smith. All she said was, no. No? No? No. No, she's from Northern Ireland. So she was like, look, so obviously there's a common misconception

that religion and science can't coexist. But recently, and I remember this till the day I die, she goes, the Pope met Stephen Hawkins and shook his hand. Right? Now, inherently hilarious already. And then she goes,

but considering Stephen Hawkins, do you remember this? Considering Stephen Hawkins believes that, you know, the world came from the Big Bang and a big explosion. Why would the Pope, why would big explosion. Why would the Pope,

why would the Pope, why would the Pope shake his hand? Anyone? Why would the Pope shake his hand? Hi. Come on, I'm showing you. I'm showing you. Come on, anyone?

Drugs. Can anyone tell me? Can anyone tell me? Hand him a note. Why would the Pope shake his hand? Come on, I'm showing you. Can anyone tell me? Turn them a note. Why would the Pope shake his head? Come on. I'm showing you. I remember this really clearly.

What? She was literally waiting for you to answer? Yeah. And no one answered for what must have been 45 minutes. And then she goes, who made the atoms? One nil religion. One nil religion One nil religion

In it ends The Pope now believes Or the Pope at the time I can't remember The same one I was like They're like Doctor Who's The Pope's auntie

Yeah yeah yeah As soon as one dies They just like Spawn another old man Yeah yeah John Paul II Don't they've been Who's the one now

John Paul V or something Or was it Ratzenberger after that Nolan Ratt Yeah Ratzenberger Oh yeah Not Nolan Ratt. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Not anymore, though, is it?

Didn't he jump off? Yeah. New one now. Some old fella. Alan. Alan Brazil. Alan Brazil. And there was that blonde woman. In a head, the Pope believes that God made two atoms

and smashed them together with the intention to create human life. that's that's what god did went what right all yours now science you do the rest i'll just watch what that'd be amazing i remember that i can't believe you don't remember that she's literally holding i'm showing you i was probably trying to turn someone's computer off while they were working or something i'd be thinking about his unplanned pregnancy it's not gonna be easy it's my baby we never used to work in school we should just pass exams mate what's happened there is it just because it's a warm day we did memory lane that was fucking great school memories are the fucking best i know but we've done 290 episodes of this and it's amazing that you still i love it when you just get on a thread.

Our school, you could make a fucking, a drama series about our school. There's so many things that happened in our school that don't seem real. Like, one of the teachers got suspended because he held one of our best friends up

by his throat against one of the mobile classrooms. Yeah. And he shortly, he lost his job and then shortly died afterwards. he lost his job and then shortly died afterwards he did and then all the kill himself no no but they're all related like he had high blood pressure like his face constantly looked like the cap of your sneak

cup and he despised children like not like a bad teacher what did he call us trainee humans he called us yeah he's like you're not even real people yet. Oh, my God. That's how you kill a child, isn't it? By thinking like that. He hated us. He hated his job, but no one ever listened because he was a gobshite.

Buffalo, where this nickname was? I don't know if an all-boys school was a good thing, you know. I can't decide. I mean, like, Etta and Jack, the school that they feed into is, like like girls and boys Upton High

in Chester I think that's fine I can't decide if going to an all boys school was good for me or not I just I don't know if we'd have been more

like if we'd have been more fucking around like if it was good for us because we learned to talk about our feelings yeah yeah

Cardinal Heaton all boys Catholic school we used to have we used to have counselling talk hour once a week didn't we

every Tuesday talk hour yeah it was literally called talk hour shut up Tuesday it was like

Tuesday the first hour after lunch come on now we just had to sit around and talk about like things we were worried about and things it was an all boys school

with May that was in right remember from last week yeah from before in the summer you had talk hour It was an all boys school With May that was in Right Remember From last week Yeah From before In the summer you had Talk hour

On the field didn't you No like On a Was it Tuesdays Tuesdays After The first hour after lunch We would sit

In a circle Of our like Regular Form classes And just talk about Stuff that's going on Things we're worried about Things that are going well for us And just get it out They were trying to Teach us to talk about Our feelings's going on, things we're worried about, things that are going well for us, and just get it out.

They were trying to teach us to talk about our feelings. It was good. I mean, no one really did it. Group therapy. But we tried. Group therapy. People would just make stuff up. Now, I'm going to ask a question, because I don't think that happened at loads of schools, and it sounds like a therapy session in an asylum. Where do you

go to an asylum? Yeah, after lunch time on a Tuesday we all have group therapy sit around Voldemort went to our school literally Professor Quiddle

the man who played him went to our school Voldemort went to our school we needed therapy Voldemort and Stephen Gerrard both on the walk there's a mural of Voldemort it looks like Voldemort's going

Gerard yeah it was good it was good to talk no one did it I mean the odd kiddablick oh yeah I know I'm getting bummed

in that pussy shut up lad shut up you bummer yeah me fucking ma keeps beating me dad

half to death and he's a fucking maggot Can't do anything about it And Adam's just like You just take the panels out Two gardens One big garden I'll come round

Show you how to do it My dad had never let us Fucking My dad helps You didn't have happy slapping In your school did you What Happy slapping

That was a horrible Horrible Yeah it wasn't This Yeah Happy slapping Do you remember The happy slapping in your school, did you? What? Happy slapping. That was a horrible year, wasn't it? Happy slapping? Do you remember the happy slapping phase? We had, you've been tangoed. Ah, from the advert. That got banned. It got banned.

It's horrible. What was tangoed? You've been tangoed. There was an advert for tango where an orange guy just ran around going, and then slapping people in the face no it was in the ears yeah it was in the ears

you've been tangoed and so that happened all the time at school you got tangoed and it fucking hurt and it got banned we got belted on camera happy slapping

was filming someone just getting an absolute belt race across the face and then that video would be sent around the school here's fucking Carl getting happy slapped

here's Carl getting happy slapped again Carl got it once no one ever touched me I was a maid man I used to punch Carl's head you're pregnant as well I was pregnant

you can't touch pregnant 14 year old boy that's one of the rules no don't happy slap him he's with child it was a grim phase though to film it as well. Yeah, because when Evan had started having camera phones,

when he first came out. Yeah. We had sketches. You know, like... Etch-a-sketches? No, you know, in court. Someone stood near us. We had happy slapping, and we were just like, someone did a...

You're getting fucking tango, Rob. No, man. Talking about tango, I want a drink, and the sun's out, and we're talking about sunny days, and I want a beer. There's cold beer in the fridge, and I would like a beer. Is that allowed? Well, I've got a business meeting after this, so I can't. I've got a business meeting with a fucking beer.

Let's have a break, shall we? Yeah. Yeah. What's happening, lads? It's Manscaped Advert Time. Our longest-serving sponsor, Father's Day, is coming up on the 19th of June, and we think you should surprise your dad

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I love them. Whatever they were, fucking love them. It was Peter Farzad, back. I love that sponsor that was in that gap. I love them. Whatever they were, fucking love them. It was Peter Farzad, I'll start. Yeah, using code... It was Uncle John's Miracle Cock Growth. Using code UNDER10. Miracle Cock Growth. What was it?

Uncle John's what? Miracle Cock Growth. Sponsored by a cock growth company. I probably should know what that's about, really, because we just did the advert for it, but I imagine it's a cream. It's a serum. Would you take a cock pill?

What? You know those dick extension pills that they advertise in the back of, like, Zoom magazine and stuff? If I came to you and I was like, it's going to do me no good. Why? It's going to do me no good.

Would you get a bigger cock? Definitely, though. Yeah. Right, if I could get a 100% bigger cock. No, it's not 100% bigger. Is it not just going to be engorged? No, here's the thing, right. Here's your option.

Will it not be sore? I'll give you this pill, right? My morphies. And not only does it give you a seven-inch cock. Seven? Yeah. Woo! Right?

And it's got the optimum girth for a penis, according to most women. And also, it gives you an aura that will make you irresistible to your wife. So she'll want to nympho you constantly. She'll just like, she'll look at you and she'll be like, oh, fucking no. Oh my God, that's going to be unfortunate

on the school pickup, but go on. No, but like she can turn it on and off and you can turn it on and off. So whenever you want to just be irresistible to to it you can just be like click yeah oh it's double it's like yeah oh right but one in every 100 people who take this yeah drop dead of a heart attack immediately honestly the life i've led and i'm leading at the moment i'm probably gonna drop dead of a heart attack anytime anyway. So I will take 99% chance of having a fucking double clap, seven inch dick. That's nearly three times bigger than my dick.

So you're the 75th person to take one and everyone else has been fine. Nah, nah, nah, nah. You've ruined the game. Because now it's a one in 25 shot and I don't like it. Is 100 pills laced hundred pills no what happened was Adam liked the game and then went nah nah

you've been too keen there I want to make it harder one in five yeah yeah what if you take it there's no threat of death or

or you have to suck off a midget okay we've got some questions how often once wow oh to completion and he gets the bukkake where eight of us meet Okay, we've got some questions. How often? Once. Wow! To completion. And he gets the bukkake

with eight of his mates. Well, Mini-Me and Willow cover them and come. I'm not interested in my own question. You changed the deals too much. I've stuck on my midget. Yeah, I'd do that.

No, no, no, no. Eight midgets, bukkake. In your eye. And you've got to open your eyes. You've got to be pinned back midget jizz in your eye eight times

yeah go for it do you want a midget do you want a cock big cock or midgets stop saying that word it's really offensive you said it first

it was a mistake I regret it upset me I apologise but he knows how to judge it he's a professional comedian pretty good and if he hasn't

you should have yeah midget I'd like to apologise to the little person community I respect you and I won't say that word again for the rest of the episode

deal I really respect you because I'd have taken the fucking bukkake bukkake I've added some previews in Birkenhead Birkenhead sold so well

last week the room is amazing it's called the Bloom Building it is in an industrial this sounds so bad, an industrial estate in Birkenhead where women have been killed in the area, definitely, 100% but they've got this little bastion of hope this little beacon of light

called the Bloom Building and it was so much fun last week, I've added two more dates so danspreviews.com, Friday the 8th of July and Friday the 8th of July and Friday the 22nd of July. I'm going to see what it's like on a Friday night. Birkenhead, every time I'm kicked, like I did both of those

and they're dead grateful for you for coming to Birkenhead. It's like Birkenhead is five hours away from anything. They loved it. So I've added some extra dates. Come and have a look. Also, before I got here, I had a lovely little moment at McDonald's in Runcorn

where I went very early. I just wanted a snack because you were running a bit behind. You've come back from Glasgow. And it was that beautiful crossover as McDonald's breakfast becomes lunch, becomes the normal menu. And chips.

I got a free fucking hash brown. Oh, I've never had it. I don't necessarily want one. Just I'm having me little fucking chicken nuggets and what's up? I had a dream last night that I went to McDonald's and ordered 25 hash browns and that was the whole dream. I just sat there eating hash browns.

Wasn't it a dream? Oh my god. Have you ever done that? I love it when you get free stuff like that it's just a beautiful moment just was that anyone what did you order i went about that i went mcnuggets just fancy a little snack went six six six mcnugget meal it's not enough nuggets that it is if you've already had breakfast and you're planning to have lunch. No. You get 20 no matter how hungry you are. I know. I get a minimum of nine and normally 20.

A 20-nugget meal is standard. Nine if I'm not that hungry. Yeah, but you can't do nine as a meal. You have to... No, you can, though. You just order a nine-nugget meal and they figure it out. They give you nuggets.

They give you chips. Okay, it's an extra 20p. But trust me, you'll be okay. I need a meal deal. My freak. No, I... Have you... Right. Have you heard about the app called Too Good To Go? trust me you'll be okay i need a meal deal maverick no i'm not good to know what have you right have you heard about the app called too good to go go on you're gonna like this if you

like by the way this is going down really well if you like free things and like sort of getting a deal on that there's an app you can get for your phone they are not sponsoring us yet it's called too good to go you know towards the end of a night or like the end of a breakfast time, you go on the app. The same thing. No, but like, let's say restaurants shut at 10. Yeah. Right?

But let's say breakfast finishes at 11 a.m. Which you don't, yeah, okay. So those two times a day, if you go on the app and go on too good to go, every restaurant near you goes, right, our breakfast's over, but we've got shit loads of bacon left shit loads of sausage you can have

as much as you want for like a quid oh my god it's the online version of what happened to me this morning in Runcorn they'd got 10 extra hash browns

she'd just walk around with the train with like do you want hash brown? loads of restaurants this is the future it's Tinder for fat cunts yeah

yes I think that's actually just called tinder but yeah so that you can literally just go on like let's say

like your favourite Chinese restaurant might be like we cook way too much salt and pepper chicken or way too much chicken curry or Indian places

obviously they don't cook each individual chicken madras. They normally make a vat of it and they give you, you know, like they leave it sort of simmering for the evening.

There's loads left and they'll just give you this like next night because they just want rid of it. It's like the, it's like the oops stickers as they're in it.

You can see people hanging around them. Have you ever done that when you're in a supermarket? It's like when someone has too many kids and they give the last few of their kids.

Right, it's just the same. Yeah. Freddie quinn analogy it's like given like you've had eight kids and you're like you know what i don't need those two put them for adoption yeah yeah it's very sick really late in the day are you are you whoops stick on man no but i've seen it in supermarkets there's like a weird queue around nothing yeah they're all the same age and it's just the people like they know that at that time of the morning or whatever or the afternoon that's when the all the oops stickers discount stuff goes out to really slightly like it's one up from a fucking food bank and i want a quiche for 4p so they're all there for yeah that does sound good though, doesn't it? Yeah, I would have a 4p. Yeah, to be fair, it's a 4p. A 4p quiche is

so cheap, I'd be suspicious about what the ups was. Oh, yeah. Martin stuck his knob in that quiche. My uncle's best mate's called Quiche. Keith. No, Quiche. His shiny is. His name's Quiche.

No, he isn't. Yes, he is. His name is Keesh. My Uncle Barney's best mate is called Keesh. Is it his nickname? Side note, my uncle's called Barney. I know that. Good side note.

Is it his nickname? No. His birth certificate is Keesh. What's his mum called? Lorraine. What? What's his mum called Lorraine? What? What's his mum called Lorraine? Mum's Lorraine Kelly

Lorraine Kelly's kid's called quiche And he's Chinese Can't think of a name Oh He's Chinese It would be funny if his wife was called Lorraine wouldn't it because then when you like walk into a party

and like you're so pissed off with them but you still want to let her on you're like Keish Lorraine yeah it's open

let's do some questions what is his name Keish nothing birth certificates which I've seen spell it I want proof

is it like K-E-S-H is it something no it's spelled Keesh it's Q-U-I whatever it is yeah

his name's Keesh I don't know what else to tell you is it like Keisha his name is Keisha

it's Keisha is it Keisha I like it is his name Keish all I know is his name is Keesh It's Kesha Is it Kesha? I like it Is his name Kesha? All I know is his name's Keesh Called him Keesh my whole life And he showed me his birth certificate once Because I didn't believe him

In his wallet He carries it around No it wasn't his birth certificate His driver licence Yeah His driver licence Because that makes more sense The date of his house

But he always has it Because And he always has it Because And he always has like Yeah the utility bill Yeah he has a utility bill Three Because he's always applying For a credit card

So many people ask him Including like Lloyd's DSP If they You know If they could see proof Like alright lads My name's Keish Fuck off

And Barney's next to him Going he's my best mate Swear down But you would wouldn't you or do you want to go book bowling yeah what's your name

Keish no me and Carl went bowling in Edinburgh we did so we've been in just for full clarity we've been in Scotland

for a few days I had my Edinburgh tour dates on Tuesday and Glasgow on Thursday so we had Wednesday off is that full clarity that you were looking for guys we had Wednesday off

oh we've had a great time oh a Wednesday off in a tour run yeah sweet in Edinburgh so we had Wednesday off is that full clarity that you were looking for guys we had Wednesday off oh we've had a great time oh a Wednesday off in a tour run yeah sweet in Edinburgh so we went bowling but obviously

and pool we didn't put our own real names in you bloody japesters so funny what's coming next what was mine called he was Glenn Wolfwhistle

and I was Dirk Van Der Gass that's funny innit is that from Johnny Van Der Gasse. That's funny, isn't it? Is that from... Johnny Van Der Gasse is from Two Pints. Ah, right, right, right. Changed it up. Ben Wolfe is my favourite character from the Marvel films. Who was the...

I'm not even getting it. I won both games of bowling and I won the pool. Next time I play anything or am asked to put my name in it, it's Keish. You won. I was very good I bowled him that night He caught me at a wrong time

I showed some signs of false promise My wrists are too You know Nimble Your wrists are too nimble Yeah Like an elderly lady Oh you're going to have to wear one of those

Oh Do you remember that When someone hurt the like another school thing but splint if anyone yeah if anyone hurt their wrist at school like a fucking i broke my wrist and i had a splint instead of a cast when did you break your wrist i'm sure i've told you this i was playing footy i was only i was really young but i was playing like 19 year olds dad and, like, my uncle and that, it was just, like, on the par.

And one of them had a shot, and I wasn't even in goal, but the ball hit my hand. And I felt my fingers touch my arm. It went that far back. And my dad... That's why 19-year-olds should not be playing football with five-year-olds. But my dad's obviously a typical Scouse dad. And I'm crying, and he's going,

stop being fucking gay. Everyone's laughing at you. Typical Scouse dad. And I'm crying and he's going, stop being fucking gay. Everyone's laughing at you. Typical Scouse dad. Everyone's fucking laughing at you. Even Keisha's giggling. Fucking embarrassing. Keisha's in goal. Show the worst thing.

The fella who broke my arm, his name, his nickname was Spider. Anyway, fact. And gone. Full clarity. So the boys would go out, Barney, Keish and Spider. Was this a fucking Key Stage 2 book? Yeah, Biff, Chip, Kipper, Keish, Spider, Barney.

Biff, Chip and Kipper. What are you on about? It was on us, Biff, Spider. Ben, I'm going to need another beer. Thank you. Yeah, properly broke my arm. But instead of a cast, they gave me a splint. And it was like a metal thing that kept it in place.

And it was all very rigid around it. And then a lad I was really good mates with when I was a kid, Bernard, tried to have a fight with me. And our Jack, who was four years younger than us, beat the shit out of him. Don't fucking touch my brother. Got a broken arm.

Pow, pow, pow. Shall we do some questions? I'll open it for him, don't worry. Are you going to open it? Yeah. Oh, it's almost like we're getting a new table

at some point soon Let's do some questions Ready? What do you want, Carl? The only girl who's got nothing on me, mate Is that a shoe on? Is that from Athletic Greens? That's Sona And that's why they've not renewed

I'm jealous, I want a beer, but Just have one Just have one little Athletic Greens. That's Sona. And that's why they've not renewed. I'm jealous. I want a beer, but... Just have one. Just have one little... You can have one beer. Yeah, you can have six beers and drive, can't you? Yeah, yeah. 28 Guinness.

Six beers. I might have a Guinness later. I might go for the Guinness on my own. Sit in Pogues. I'm going to Mallorca on my own soon. When? A week on Monday. Then we're going to Barcelona. I on my own soon when? a week on Monday then we're going to Barcelona

I don't I can't believe it's happening I cannot believe it's been okayed I cannot believe I got planning permission for it

it was agreed on Holiday Mallorca that I could have a few days away it's become Monday to Friday me and Mallorca just booked the hotel

yesterday the flights have been booked for a month what is going on? I am so The flights have been booked for a month. What is going on? I am so excited. People have been like, oh, we'll come with you.

Fuck off. Will you FaceTime us? I want to go on my own. Yeah, because then it's a work trip, isn't it? No, no, not allowed. I'm going to New York on my own. I can't wait. I'd love to go on all day on my own. By the way, if anyone's like,

oh, he's got no mates, the level of mate I'd love to have an audio meal. By the way, if anyone's like, oh, he's got no mates, the level of mate I'd have to have. You hungry? I just got heckled by Adam's stomach. I'm hungry and I need a poo.

Such a... Do you want a beer? Yeah. That'll make your belly well better. Jamie Hutchinson's such a bad influence. Nick Howell says, important question, Nick Howell says

a common thread we have amongst my multicultural work colleagues, PS whenever we get an email and it starts with a common thread we have amongst my multicultural work colleagues I will read the rest of the email, I promise you is the famous pedo game, Now it's simple

to come up with some white celebs found to have dabbled in the kiddy fodder. However, can you name any black pedos? Jackpot don't count as he was white when he did it. Jackpot?

Michael Jackson. Oh, cool. And Cosby was strictly just Rohypnol in Ladies. Much love and big respect. That's from Big Nick. I'd see Dion Dublin. No. Dion, no. Yeah.

Stairs up to the bedroom for the reason, mate. Taking kids up there and bombing them. Oh, no. If this goes to court. I love Dion Dublin. And he's Jason Manford's pal. Oh, shit. Think about that.

Full title of our programme is Little Homies Under the Hammer of My Cock. Little Homies. That's the full title. Can I set that on a TV guide? My Cock Hammer. Executive producer, Keish. He just watches.

Organiser. Sorts out Ubers is there any black ones? black pedos just kidding black pedos no it's not allegedly is it? oh no hang on

they weren't underage oh no they were they were teenagers weren't they? and that's underage in that country but it's not pedophile it's a bit of a mis it is it is

no it's not no it is it is though it's not it's the wrong term words change over the period of their lifespan. And pedo now means anything under the age of 16. No, but it...

It does. It does to me. But it... No! In my head! This is what is going on! No, but it's the incorrect use. Can you have sex at 40?

Pedophile means... This is so grim. But pedophile literally means before you've had, before puberty. Like a small child. Yeah. And there is a, what's the word for teenage?

It's totally illegal. Amoeba fail? Bad nonsense. It's a bad nonsense. Like Prince Andrew, if these accusations are true, because obviously it's just allegedly. Yeah, it's a bad nonsense. It's not black though.

Like sweaty bad nonsense. What is it, Finn? Could you just pull it up, mate? An absolute wrong one. Sexual attraction, meaning... Are we really Googling this? Two teenage... I want to know...

Isn't it amoebophile or amoebophile? Yeah, a fever... A feverphile? A feverphile. A feverphilia. Yeah. It's the primary sexual interest of mid-late adolescence,

generally ages 15 to 19. So it's technically legal, but you like the young ones. Bollocks. Pedos, a lot of them. Yeah, they are nonsense, to be fair. Pedos. A lot of them. Poor old Dion fucking Dublin just got absolutely slammed for no reason.

We don't know for sure. No, we don't know at all. It's just him being a fucking bellend. No, it's not true I heard about it I don't hear about it I got told it By a passing stranger

In Wagamamas Jason Manford's Honestly best mate I love that Jason Manford And Dion Dublin Are best mates I find it so fucking Wonderful and random

Daytime TV That would do your edding If you were just In a restaurant And Jason Manford And Dion Dublin are best mates. I find it so fucking wonderful and random. Daytime TV, aren't they? That would do your head in if you were just in a restaurant and Jason Manford and Dion Dublin walked in and they were Bezoids. You'd be like, what is going on? Well, last night, after the Glasgow show, I gave Jason a lift back to his hotel, right?

And we pull up at some traffic lights and there was a car next to us with two young lads in the front and they spotted me. And they were like, I don't know, is that fucking Scouse comedian like that i don't know and then jason manford went forward and he went i think jason manford's in the car what can you imagine if deon dublin was in the back like i always used to think that you know when like you start out I don't know whether you did this much when you started out

but you do a car share right and it's like four comics but comics as a collective often don't look like they would ever hang out together I know what you mean

yeah yeah do you know what I mean so I would get out in a car share with like me as like an 18 year old lad Andrew Ryan Delisa Oshiponda and hayley ellis and you

just look like it's a it's an unusual combo in it yeah yeah like go and google the three people i've just mentioned yeah and imagine me pulling up at a welcome break in fucking that's kind of whether be that's when when i the, we went out for drinks at the Leicester Comedy Festival, and it was me, my sister-in-law, and Ishan Akbar. And there was just a moment when Becca and Ishan were getting on really well. And I have those moments

with stand-up, I love stand-up for that, where you're like, what on earth is going on here? What on earth is going on? Becca, my sister-in-law, who is a working mum from fucking the East Midlands, Ishan Akbar, who is a retired banker, now comedian from a Bengali-Pakistani heritage, and some knobhead from Preston.

I just love comedy for that. I suppose all work has the ability to do that, but comedy's like an... It's more intense, isn't it? People are from further afield and. It's just, you just get to meet such an eclectic range of people. Yeah.

And they're all, they're nearly always quite interesting good times. Yeah. Like there are some fucking bellends. Yeah. The ones who've gone a bit sour aren't the most fun. Yeah. But they're all old white men. And I know enough of them.

Speaking about old white men, who's the Black Peter Files? I think I'll give you R. Kelly You're accepting that as a question? Speaking of old white men Who are the Black Peter Files? He's just trying to do some production It's not even It's not even

It's actually screeching us back onto track The wheels are blocked It's R. Kelly It's a white problem guys And this is what the podcast we want to talk about. Can we speculate some? So guys, if you're an old white dude, guys, please stop being nonsense.

Because it's a white, it's generally a white guy problem. Wait, Adam wants to speculate, so let's give a clean edit point now. Who? Eric Gemma Gemma. Isn't he dead? No, it's Papa Bo Biddy-O.

Papa Boo Biddy-O. Oh. Let's not besmirch the good name of Papa Boo Biddy-O. No, I don't think he did anything. Eric Jemma Jemma, though. I've always had my suspicions. Glad we got a clean edit point for Eric Jemma Jemma. It's actually Jason Manford's brother-in-law.

Little known fact. Doesn't get on with Dion Dublin. Probably because of the accusations. Against who? Which one? Eric. Eric. Dion sound.

A double D on your side, lad. Another question? He does seem sound. We've got some would you rathers. We've had three, randomly, three Freddie Quinn-influenced would-you-rathers. Chris Law says, would you rather let Jamie Hutchinson

look after your kids every time you need a sitter, hypothetical little Vinny for Adam, or have Freddie Quinn teach them for the first seven years of school? Have Freddie Quinn teach them? Freddie Quinn's a qualified teacher and Jamie Hutchinson will kill my children. Yeah, Jamie Hutchinson's got, like,

modafinil and cages written all over them. You'll use them as collateral for the fucking horse bet. Oh, no. Your child will end up in a William Hills. Yeah. A David Plucks. Your child will end up in the till of a William Hill. David Hill.

David Hill. David Hill will fuck your kid. White pedo. David Hill. David Hill. David Hill will fuck your kid. White pedo. David Hill. Freddie Quinn, as much as he can be intensely annoying, he's pretty smart.

I bet he was quite a good teacher. I reckon he was a dreadful teacher because he didn't care and hated all the children. I think he's not. I think when he applies himself, Freddie's pretty smart. Yeah, but he didn't apply himself

to teaching. I've spoken to him about it. It was was literally just him going i need some sort of backup in case comedy doesn't work out right so i'll do this because it's you know it's a permanent backup like then there's never like an abundance of teachers there's always jobs so he got the most secure qualification you can get like as a permanent backup yeah for his dreams not working out so it actually wasn't that engaged with it also can you teach kids with just analogies that's the question that's a bit like he's a dressage jockey as well just in case teaching fails yeah alfie gardner says would you rather never watch a live sport event ever again or

randomly for an hour every day speak and sound like f Quinn. So you never get to go and watch the football, you're never going to watch live sport, but for one hour a day, you've got Freddie Quinn. That's the take that I love to fussy too much. I could deal with just having to sound like him just for an hour a day. Just do it in your sleep.

You're talking to sleep anyway. You don't get to choose when the hour drops in. You don't get to be like, I'm setting my Freddie Quinn annoying sound alarm. I imagine it'd be really bad if you were about to cum. But it just kicks in. I'm going to cum on your face. I want to paint a face with my cock juice.

Spam. Spam. Cum. For total clarity. Yeah, I'll talk like Freddie. Spam. Come for total clarity. Yeah, I'll talk like Freddy. Next one. Would you rather fight one elephant-sized Freddy Quinn? Freddy Quinn.

No. Would you rather fight one elephant-sized Freddy? These are shit. But I just saw them come in the email. I was like, I can't resist. Would you rather fight one elephant-sized Freddy Quinn or 10 duck-sized ishan quack bars can i just say tom o'sullivan you you've came up with ishan quack bar and then you work backwards

with this question and i know thanks for the effort um 10 ishan quack bars obviously yeah because you just volleyed them you'd volley a duck's head off in one go i'd smash a million ducks heading on my own yeah i. But you wouldn't be smashing... Yeah. You'd be kicking... An elephant-sized Freddie Quinn. No, you'd just be kicking Eshan, little duck-sized Eshan.

Fine. Easier. Would you be able to? Eshan is... I just picture Eshan's Twitter version of himself. I love him in real life on Twitter. He's a big, annoying, Man United cunt. And honestly, I could just picture his tweets

and I could beat the living shite out of him especially if he was duck sized even if he wasn't the day after Paris they were really having fun weren't they if you lent back as well

you could fucking kick him over the pond oh I'd really I'd have to just get the cage out I'd keep them I'd have a little farm of Eshans just let them run around the garden that'd be nice I'm collecting them. I'd have a little farm of Eshans. Just let them run around the garden.

That'd be nice. I'm collecting gorillas. I'd love a little Eshan. Take them out for walks two at a time. People would be like, they're little clones, aren't they? No, ducks. By the way, they're not ducks. It's duck size. They're just duck size. Ridiculous.

Be serious! Shall we have a break? Yeah, let's let's get jamming oh it's going to be a warm one today i'm going to drink through it wag wag lids hope you're enjoying today's patron exclusive we've got some new merch that you can see over my boobie is this real this is an add this oh for the match for the merch that you're wearing. Get one of these ones. But when you buy it, get one that fits you. They come in different sizes. But I would definitely maybe order one size up. Unless you want to feel like it's a Tammy Girl starter bra.

Haveawaredpod.com is where you get the merch from. And it'll save you wearing that pile of shite that you're wearing. We just said don't be doing the mean thing. You look like a fucking pedo. Get some merch. But he can't help himself. But look at them. Look through the camera

at the fucking scruffy twat on the other side of it. I like you. I think you look good. Fucking pathetic. But you'll look better in Have A Word Pod merch. That's what I was saying,

just in a more polite way. And that's here. Because Carlo put the graphic in. HaveAW word pod.com if you can't read get on me take take take take that's too good it sounds like take or leave it please james hutchinson is here we are never gonna have a hutchinson jamie second time on a public episode yes you did a lock in as well but i was i was absent for i was in uh new york yes dealing with some personal issues um uh welcome back because obviously since you were last year things have changed quite

significantly for you you used to be downtrodden and living in your nan's spare room and now we pulled him up multi-millionaire yeah love your glasses yeah yeah lover of various women one but you've shagged all the ones it's varied from other women she's a varied woman just tell us what the rollercoaster's been like in the past few months do you know what the last six weeks

in particular I've had some of the best piss ups of my life and I've had a lot of piss ups I've done coke in a church I've found I've discovered

what is that a Kanye song coke in a church it's just been oh it's Frank Ocean it's just been a What? Is that a Kanye song? Coke in the church. Oh, it's Frank Ocean. It's just been a bit of a, not bucket list stuff, that's too far,

but it's always... Because Coke, Coke in the church, noshed off in a synagogue, tick, tick. It's always been an ambition of mine. Finger in the ass. Just that I'm having Coke in your house. God. Yeah. And the funny thing is, it and the funny thing is pedicure in a mosque she's already off

i am so glad you went pedicure for the mosque there's so many angles you could go there as well proper junction it? Roundabout of options there. You can tell he's been podcasting loads since he first came on. Roundabout options. Anyway, back to the point. Moving on. And the door didn't fit. The toilet door didn't fit the door holder.

What's it called? Door frame. Door frame. the door holder what's it called door frame door frame the door holder the house there and yeah so the door didn't fit and it was held together by rope on the lock to make it fit so people could have a poo in privacy in the church yeah what kind of ghetto church is this and garton st j. James's. I think it's very possible that you shit in the confession box, you know? There's holes in the wall. We make shit in the golf bunker.

Could see the fella in the next cube. We got kicked off a golf course because we make shit in the bunker. It's not a confession box as such, but it's lack of respect, isn't it? The game of so much etiquette. No, hang on. Definitely worse than the confession box. Well, you baked over it as well oh god hang on whoa whoa did you just say it's worse to shit in a

bunker than a confession box i said the opposite i will take i said the absolute opposite oh the bunker you're out in the breeze you can sand it it's just a big golfing fucking like litter box in it for a cat. If you shit, and the guy's going, so have you got anything to confess? And you're like, yeah.

Golf a litter? Like cat litter? You meant to shit there? And you are? It's like a four. It's like a four? Yeah, because you can't,

the toilet's too far away, in the clubhouse. You poo in the fucking bunkers. Poo in the bunkers. Have you ever been on a round of a golf car? Yeah. You're talking with a lot of authority. They poo in the hole as well. Really?

Yeah. You don't put it in public. From yards out it depends i'm jumping the water feature to jump in the lake get people's balls back while i'm there i love finding golf balls there's something beautiful about finding a golf ball yeah it's like this was one's hope of a good shot and i found it in the forest yeah in the rough forest in a forest turns out it was a really bad shot what's your story golf ball there was a golf course here a hundred years ago it's a dead golf ball why did you do coke in a church it It's just I had to. I was at a wedding, and I was a groomsman. So I was at the front table thing.

Do you know the... Altar. Top table. Yeah, the altar thing. Proper top tier stuff. Do you know what I mean? I had to stand up for the hymns and that, and people were watching me,

so I was pretty involved. But when you get to the church... Literally everyone in the church has to stand up. It's been a drug... Yeah, but he was facing the front there was no one no one in front of him by the way

everyone that's listening and watching just went hang on the top table is the different thing from the altar in the church I've never been to a wedding before though

so I don't know the exact terms right first wedding groomsman the tabernacle right into found a golf ball right

yeah so it's been it's been very drug-themed for me, this wedding. Yeah, because you're doing coke at the service, mate. I did Ketta at the suit fitting. Shut the fuck up. That's definitely an Arctic Monkeys album. 100%. He did some Ketta at his suit fitting.

The man was such a fucking legend, but his life was a mess. I had a nightmare with the suit fitting Because I don't wear tailored clothes So I've never I had a suit fitting before And I'm only going off like Sopranos And that You know how it's done

I've fought to be like an old Italian guy Spitting tobacco In Gorton Slaters in town So I've never been. So I was really excited to go. So we're all going, all the people who are groomsmen,

like nine of us. So I was like, we're going to have to get on it. So a few of us got on it. I was getting a bit of a K.O. in Slater's. I've never been anything measured. I was going to say, you've never been a K.O. in Slater's,

going to say, Jamie. No one has. My mate Luke did. He'd been in one before do you know as someone who's got on it in the past I cannot imagine a worse place

to try and do Ketterman but it's funny though than Slater is it the one off Market Street in the middle of Manchester just genuinely being anywhere near the

Arndale Centre on Ketterman must be a very specific type of help we'd been out for a few hours before so i was just doing it in the toilets and i thought well we've got to go to the suit fitting anyway so we get there and i just want to follow everyone else i'm a sheep i i just follow by instinct

do you know what i mean yeah it's not your wedding people not your wedding i copy people i don't know is the groom there yeah yeah so you've gone for a few beers yeah and you're like oh suit fins at what time like three after oh it's dangerous dangerous late um like a late kickoff yeah and then i'm first out the app like dole james dutchinson oh for fuck's sake so he hands me the blazer and pants like an fa cup draw and all he says is I'll see you in a minute and then ten minutes go by and he like pulls a curtain he went

is everything alright and I'm still sitting there with my blazer and pants he went what you doing I went well I thought

you'd come in with me and do all that I thought they measure you in the changing room you've seen Gunfellas and gone, that's what they're doing,

slices on market seats. Disinterested 22-year-old from Salford, like, what are you doing? You're making out with your pants on. So they left you to just put some clothes on and they came back 10 minutes later and you're still stood there. Had you had Ketamine at this point?

Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Oh, Lord. My mate was in a bad way with it and i uh he was he's a bit thick like me but i was convincing him that he had to get his ears measured off that girl over there on the other desk because it has to match the other petals he went to get my ears measured what the fuck you talking about it was so fun it was a mint day out oh day out it was great honestly

like Alton Towers it was fucking mint just out of interest where does you know when a night when a night out has started in Slater's

on Ketterman where does it end I'm intrigued like when it gets four o'clock and you're all done with the main event where do you

where's the natural progression Pills in River Island yeah Pills in that's why they've got a DJ in River Island MDMA in WH Smith I love stationery oh my god

those people's got lines using gel pens as glow sticks an after party in Curry's can we all just say you know those DJs that are in like high street shops

that was never the dream was it oh mate I've seen one in a chippy fuck off in Blackpool mate a DJ in a chippy lad how grim is that

I think it's called DJ Mad Matt or something shout out to Johnny's 32 no sorry John wants his pants in a 32 in a chippy I think it's called DJ Mad Matt or something. Shout out to John. He's 32. No, sorry. John wants his pants in a 32.

In a chippy. In a chippy. Can I have a 34 inch waist pants, please? The longer you stay, the bigger it gets. 18 inch car. Blackpool. PS, we've got to do some form of a patron special in Blackpool and take Jamie.

I don't know what it is. The arcades? I don't know what it is. Donkey rides? Just knowing that Jamie exists and Blackpool is where it is. We need Will Hutchby, a camera and to just get to fucking Blackpool.

Can we all ride donkeys? Yeah. Jamie Hutchinson's guide to the most depressing place in the fucking country. No, there's horses now. There's horses and carts. There's no donkeys on the beach no more. There is donkeys on the beach.

When? What? In Blackpool? Yeah, there's horses and carts now. Why have they not got rid of the donkeys? They'll still be there. I don't think you're allowed to ride donkeys now. I think they're like, you know.

Right. Have you got a donkey guy? Come on. You can find a donkey. Get fucking Scottish John got a donkey guy? Come on. You can find a donkey. Get fucking Scottish John on a donkey. It's a donkey sanction here. I think they're a bit like special donkeys. I didn't make the grade sort of thing.

What? As a donkey? It's a special needs donkey thing. Where do you live? As opposed to the steeds that they have on Blackpool prom. A donkey sanction? We have a champion race. Don have on Blackpool prom. A donkey central? A celebrity. We have champion race donkeys on Blackpool.

They have pictures of them in the stables in Gorton. Your life is a fucking comic book class. Do you know what would be a great Patreon special? What? If we all tried to steal an animal from a zoo. Right, Bagsy Chester Thanks I'm going local

I think it's all the same zoo I reckon we could distract like No Because Henry runs the monkey bit for long enough For us to take a marsupial with us Oh, I'm not going monkey Monkeys are fucking brilliant They look like

They're going to be hard to get out Who doesn't love monkeys? They've got mates, mate They've got mate You try and steal a monkey Other monkeys aren't Oh there goes fucking Tim

See you later They're gonna Like Tim monkey I forgot bananas though And the monkey's like Do you know what Fair play

He loves a banana I do as ever to me Some are sound And some are aggressive aren't they What? Don't fuck with baboons You can't steal a baboon They'll rip your head off

In a pack If you just Isolate them now What? Emotionally With baboons. You can't steal a baboon. They'll rip your head off. In a pack. Isolate them now. What? Emotionally? Everyone thinks you're a cunt. Tim. Give all the others a banana. The name I came up for a monkey.

Tim. Tim the monkey. They all ate you, by the way. Because you're called Tim. It's a shit name for a monkey. Look at your ass. Fucking horrible. Is that even that red?

Hanging out. Your ass is even that red? Hanging out. Your ass isn't even that red. Yeah, yeah. You haven't even grown. Brown ass squat. Why's your ass mauve? The monkey's like, wait, let's go.

Want to come with me? Got nuts. Bananas. Swings. What happened at the wedding? How did... Obviously, you're Sorry

But Wedding was class Stag do Talking about old white men In between that Hang on where did you do the co-kick Was it in the toilet? Yes

Yeah and the Like the door didn't fit And it was held together by a rope And this woman was waiting for me It was like a god woman Like you know Proper like Navy

Two piece Do you know what I mean just like librarians yeah are you forgetting the name of something when you say a god woman did she work at the church

I think she was like a volunteer she was pottering about pre-service she might be one of the elders on the text she's on the fucking

yeah yeah give it a light to the vicar maybe she's the organ player. She's the one who gets the queue in order when you're doing the bread. Yeah. And I was clearly doing beak and not disguising it very well

because I didn't know anyone was there. Do you know what I mean? I was hearing what was going on. So we had this sort of awkward conversation. Yeah, you're either doing beak or trying to get a really good whiff of you know shit what have I had

so she said oh I'm sorry the door don't fit and I went oh yeah you'd think it'd be better

with his son being a carpenter and that I don't know that swear down mum's life said that

of course he said that yeah didn't go didn't land he said that yeah didn't go didn't land but you know he didn't land no

she just did she go get some I'm next get out of here lad um stag do was class so we made sneaked loads of

uh ket and bee up his arse stormed right to the front of the airport queue alright good you were going on the airport you weren't going

back to Blackpool no the first fella never gets fingered does he yeah I got my pubes stroked like just really

caressed by a god woman the airport man which airport Manchester were you kicked off no he was

he was checking out the lining of my shorts But it was a bit Seductive I thought Private room? No in public I don't mind

I'm not sure What in the queue? Do you know like When you go through And something beats I had metal In my shorts What was it?

Do you know like One of those Like string things With a metal thing On the end Jamie keeps his Pound coins in his Units And it yeah um i know i've had a couple of beers but i'm i'm struggling to keep like what metal can you have in your on the lace oh all right yeah all right

cool what's the name wasn't it at the end of the lease i don't know what it's called i know yeah so he he was just checking me for that i didn't have anything and uh he just stroked my pubes um on the holiday itself so it was a it was i've discovered about myself where'd you go marmoris turkey nothing sorry mate no what is mate you went to Marmaris went to Marmaris on my scuttle until Turkey mate erm yeah so er we got to Marmaris we made

sneak loads of drugs I was like fuck this is great and what I've discovered about myself this was the perfect group of people right

in terms of balance we were split into like sensible people who can go spazzy spazzy people who can go sensible and like extreme spectrum spaz which i took care of um and i've what i've discovered about myself is i've not got a talent as such i can't draw or sing play guitar i've got no coordination, can't use tin openers. Such a talent.

The honesty in it. Anything like that, and I've discovered what my talent was six weeks ago. I know group dynamics instinctively and how to act. So if I'm out with a Lampard and a Veron, I'll be a Makalela. If I'm out with a Lampard and a Varane, I'll be a Makalela.

If I'm out with a... Conversely... That's the most nice 2003 Premier League reference ever! Did they all play at Chelsea?

Yeah, together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They took Varane off Man United's hands and they were like, that didn't work. But conversely, if there's a... I'm out with a Paul Telford and a Chris Marsden, I'll be Matt with Sissier. You've got the flair as well.

You're the James Milner. Yeah, I'm... Stag do's. Whatever role the boss needs you to play. Yeah, I can bring flair and just know it instinctively. These need someone to... Jamie, be honest. I don't want to fuck your story up.

Did you pre-plan to use those as an example? Because that is so fucking unbelievably random and beautiful. No, I said... Well, what happened was, the first night, I was... A lot of stuff happened to me on that stag do The first night I blacked out My mate had to carry me home

A sensible Every spaz was much Of a sensible Room wise To You know make sure Everyone's safe Right

And he dragged me home And he was a bit pissed off Because I'd sort of ruined the night I threw a kebab at him Because I get a bit Ah see when I'm told I have to go home

I don't want to go home but no club would let me in anymore because I was just fucking can't relate I just can't go I can't bring myself

to go home it's just like a mission of defeat and the next day he was like fucking hell mate not having a go but just like

come on man can't be doing that and I having a go, but just like, come on, man. Can't be doing that. And I went, I didn't, he went, it's just like selfish. I went, I did it for the group. They needed a bit of sparkle. They needed a bit of gold dust on the night. So I got fucking completely wide and pissed. Not attestate.

Exactly. So that's the first night. Second night, I found another thing about myself i am very adaptable in the wild surprisingly so so i got i got lost from my friendship group and i'm you know alone lamb at this point and um in marmoris in marmaris I didn't know the name of my hotel how did you get lost just drunk yeah

you just lost the boys yeah I just I just go on my own little adventures and stuff but I didn't know it was a 10 minute walk to the strip and it took me 6 hours

to find home and erm I've done that before in Edinburgh my first year in my first night ever at the Fringe I did the exact same thing

got absolutely squatted at the Fringe I did the exact same thing got absolutely squatted at the Just the Tonic erm launch party at the Fringe me flat was just past the grass market

so it was like a ten minute walk from the caves took me hours to get home and I pooed on a traffic island this is where confession box so

you're fine there so I got lost I was walking for two and a half hours in the Turkish I'm having a shot of tequila go on in the Turkish wild

anyone want anyone do you want a shot of tequila Jamie yeah Jamie are you able to say no yeah

do you really want one yeah alright Adam's got a meeting do you know after the NFL game in Camden when I took ages

to get home I did that our bar from hotel was a five minute walk But I pissed Was convinced It was the other way

And just started walking And was confused as to why It took me two and a half hours To get home Do you know what's mad though You always do Find your way home Don't you

I know I got a taxi I had to eventually get a taxi No but like even that Right Like no matter how Hammered you get Yeah You always somehow

Manage to find a way home. Jesus. And, like, I remember the last time I went out with a friend of the pod and have a word Hall of Famer, Alfie Brown. He said I was so drunk he shoved me into a taxi. And this is when I lived in West Derby. And Alfie was like, Adam, I don't know your address. And you're going to have to tell this guy now what it is.

And I was like... And he said, I looked at the driver and went... And the driver went, yeah, not a problem. And Alfie was like, there's absolutely no way. He's just communicated where we live. But what I'm going to do is let the driver drive wherever he thinks that was. And then when we get there, we'll figure it out.

And then 12 minutes later, we pulled up outside my house. And to this day alfie's convinced that that was some kind of wizardry if you're from west london a piss scouser talking to a scouse taxi driver probably does sound like like some sort of wizardry but if you're a scouse taxi driver you've probably heard so many different addresses and plays yeah this. Oh, definitely. There's one reference point, don't there? I woke up once after a gig. I drink the blackout, so I've had that now. I will wake up tomorrow at midday.

Oh, fuck. What have I said? 12 hours later. Are you gigging tonight? Yeah. Where? Frog. What are you doing?

Opening. Oh, there you go. That'll be sad.ie's out of the middle oh yeah baby uh i woke up once with a bag full of chocolate and nothing else bag full of chocolate no phone wallet all over the place what has gone on here so then i need to retrace my steps and stuff. So I've lost my phone. I jump on Facebook Messenger

and I message someone who was on the gig with me and went, hey, did we get paid in chocolate last night? That was your first thought? I am never doing a corporate for Willy Wonka ever again.

Okay, now. Compared on by an umpah lumpah. I went, haves got loads of chocolate I nearly said a name then No Not today Not on this pod Umpalumpa

I woke up with loads of Loads of chocolate I've just got that you keep talking you've got to mention one of our special exclusive sorry that's funny it just made me laugh

I'm like what's going on where's this chocolate come from I get a knock on the door a disgruntled but you know quite sound

taxi driver and he's like oh Jamie now it's a bad sign when the taxi driver knows you're Jamie we're at an Uber anyway it was pre-Uber

I think black cab and he went I've got your phone I went oh fuck that drop it in the taxi he went

have you got my chocolate that was the deal so he sent me home I've got no cash on me right I couldn't pay on cards back then um and uh I went I've got money in the house I always keep my rent money on the mantelpiece yeah right so um me uh my mum's obviously taken the money, you know, as is her, right? So there's no cash in the house. I'm like, for fuck's sake, what am I going to do? So I went round and emptied all my mum's multi-packs of chocolates.

And I went, there's 20 quid's worth there. He didn't accept it. And I went, oh, I'll have my phone then. Did he take your phone he said I'll keep it because I was so pissed I went oh I'll have my phone I'll have my phone

and he went I'll take it as a deposit I'll come back tomorrow he was really sound to be fair what did you did you end up paying him in cash yeah

I got 20 quid then just to give it him back yeah shout out all the taxi drivers it's a rough fucking gig in it and it's a rough gig dealing with well in turkey i was in a taxi rank so i've been walking for two and a half hours my calves are going like jack greelish's do you

know what i mean pro they're getting caught now i find this perfect doorway that just fit my body shape. It's sort of ovaled. And I just got my head down and I just fell asleep. I was woke up by Turkish police. Yeah. They were famed for their sense of humour. I woke up with a baton in my face.

But not like hitting me but as if you were shooing a dog we went can't sleep there mate was he Irish? it's a new job mate

from there I thought you'd ended up in Dublin I thought you'd really wandered off so he just he's tapped my nose but it's causing

abrasion and a bit of blood trickling. He was, he was, I was like, don't try and be funny now. Just, you know,

try, come on, get in the game now. And I was kipped, I was sound. I was just like, oh, I won't tell.

Just slurring my words, but not being offensive. And he took me to a taxi rank. I went, they'll know what to do here because he had broken english um and i didn't know the name of hotel so i just just all i could think of was turkish words which was lira so i think it's called lira and they're thinking i'm taking the piss because that's the money that's like going into fucking a taxi bank Delta or something

and just saying Sterling Sterling coming up to Sterling erm he had to I went oh it's fine I'll find it

I'll find it walked for another two and a half hours so it was about six hours at this point I'm on this dual carriageway erm and I see a petrol station

in the like horizon so I thought I'll go there and then this is where my Bear Grylls kicked in I'll go there I've this is where my Bear Grylls kicked in I'll go there I've seen that episode

where Bear Grylls goes he fills his car off with diesel yeah he goes on a stag do in fucking Turkey I went in this petrol station and I said

I was sobered up at this point I went will you do me a favour I can't believe I came up with this intelligent idea Google local hotels and when it comes up I went will you do me a favour I can't believe I came up with this intelligent idea Google

local hotels and when it comes up on the list I'll remember it will come to me and they wouldn't Google it unless I bought

something so I had to get some Pringles and I had to get some Pringles so I bought Pringles

did you stand behind them when they were on the desktop computer eating Pringles watching So I bought Pringles. Did you stand behind them when they were on the desktop computer, eating Pringles, watching them? Yeah. Do you know what? Sorry, mate, you're not allowed to Google, mate, unless you buy all the Pringles, mate.

Do you know what I know? You have to buy all of the Pringles in the shop, mate. All of the Twixes. No bounties for you, mate. Just Twixes and Pringles, mate. I know you can never have a picture of it, but how much would you love a really high definition

Jack Finnegan level picture of Jamie the most hungover person you've ever just eaten fucking Pringles

behind an annoyed Turkish guy who's on Google and then because I'm lost now I'm in a different part of town

going residential and stuff. And I see it, and just that, it weren't in the first three. I went, it's none of them three. And that's like 0.6 mile radius.

I'm fucking shitting myself now. And then, like, number six or something, 0.8 miles, Club Seymour. Shout out to Eddie and the gang at seymour um so and then eventually i bet they'll love that who's eddie eddie uh ran the bar and he murdered someone when he was 13

yeah he went to school with you i remember him yeah you're sponsored by this hotel oh no he's a good lad now so found my way home and that was at like six in the morning so i had a couple of hours kip and then got up and i just had to get a shot sambuca to level out yeah carried on the day so it was a heavy heavy session and the last day was this is when i came at one with nature because i'd read something right this was another nuisance so i was out and um i felt it have you ever been to marmora's by any chance only the one by ours that does salt and pepper boxes that's like it's it's all open plan it's they don't have doors as such really it's just all like um like terry's like you know outdoor drinking yeah and you just go in and there's a bit of a club bit as well so the strip you just grabbed

in and stuff so it's quite narrow anyway i got i weren't i was refused entry at this point and i was getting passed around like a fucking pinball so the things i get passed around is that pinball you all go pass the pinball to the left hand side i'm always passing pinballs, mate. I'm getting shot around, right?

I throw up. You didn't tonight, lad? Go and pinball. Pass them to the boys. Sorry. Sorry. Pinball. I was getting passed around, right?

And I throw up outside this place, and this guy's fuming with me. Rightly so. I was being a knobhead so my mate gives him like 250 layers I'm sorry about him

sorry about him what's that in pound? I think it's five or two hundred innit like 1250 oh okay right okay

I don't know so he was cleaning me sick up and I went don't touch my sick mate that's my sick I was just getting really leery

and he was gonna fucking banjo me so my mate like carried away and went it's my sick mate I'll clean it if I want just proper self righteous

thinking he's violating me cleaning my sick up crawling home on the pavement what time of day? five six in the morning alright okay Violating me, cleaning my sickle. Crawling home on the pavement. What time of day? Five, six in the morning.

He's not coming to Tenerife, is he? My mates are ahead of me, but kept checking back every couple of minutes because I go walkabout. I go missing. So they're just glancing back. I'm just like, follow the shepherds. Follow them into the gates of hell. I go there where they're going.

So I'm stumbling about and stuff. They keep checking back, keep checking back. And then, we've not checked them in a couple of minutes, look back, and I'm walking fully naked, shoes, socks, everything off, down the strip in Marmaris. And they said, they looked back

and 50 yards further behind me was my clothes, laundrette standard folded, in a neat little pile. And they were like, what the fuck are you doing? Because they have like indecency laws,

don't they and stuff yeah most countries yeah yeah yeah known liberals yeah yeah yeah president erdogan loves a naked ginger and i just went into the cacao tomato tradition automated tradition love it fam fam classic classic Urdu online fam and um but I

I said it helps with anxiety what does getting naked no what I

I've missed I'd misheard a fact right and applied it

in a really wrong way right so what was the the thing you thought you heard? Well, bare feet on grass is meant to help with anxiety. Yeah, I've heard that. So I got naked on concrete. I thought it can't be that much different.

Not naked in Turkey! Listen, mate, I read in a book, like, fucking bare feet on grass, so I got my cock out on the cobbles. Your honour. Hey, works well in Gorton. And then I pissed in the bin. I don't judge you for that one.

Yeah, because you shat on a traffic island. Yeah. What was I meant to do? Do it in the road? That's what the cars are done. Why don't we do it in the road did you get arrested no i'd already introduced myself to the turkish police night before so i was pretty sound yeah they went over the road just going to make an element i've got no clothes on me to have this trouble in dublin should we go and beat them up He's got no clothes on, mate.

Don't have this trouble in Dublin, mate. Shall we go and beat him up, mate? Back where I'm from, mate. County Mayo, mate. Pardon me! County Mayo! Oh, shout out Westport! County Mayo, mate. If you don't get anything like this, mate,

he'd be fucking dead around County Mayo, mate. A lot of people think I'm from County Garlic Mayo, but that's a mistake you easily make. Press the button. County Garlic Mayo. That's it. Come on. Press the button.

I can't believe you didn't see it. I can't believe you didn't see it. I'm having another shot Jamie where are these part of me wants Jamie to come to Tenerife but also it scares me I love them and I will go drinking on any country that I

have an active passport for that's my rule with Jamie we can book a Patreon special on the Isle of Skye if you want, and I'll go because we control their borders and their prisons. I am not going anywhere with him that requires a stamp in my passport. It's not happening. Blackpool, though.

Can we do a Blackpool? Can we do Jamie Hudson's Blackpool special? Yeah, we just usher him around. No, he guides us around Blackpool. How often do you go to Blackpool? It we just we usher him round no he guides us around Blackpool how often do you go to Blackpool it's a comedy station

but do you go do you go for halls and drinking no oh could you take us the look of disdain in his eyes come on

my papa everything about you Jamie screams a night out in Blackpool why can't we go to Staling when we went for Paul Smith's that club was sick

yeah it was Fuba I'm so jealous I wasn't there Let's go to there Yeah Yeah let's take Jamie To Scotland

The motherland Holy shit Hello Here I was welcome I've been doing your work Down in England lads Get up in Scotland He's a fucking pussy drinker.

Stop, cunt. Take a look at him, they're like fucking hell. You've sorted your life out. It's good to see you're living right. Cleaned it up. Let's have a break. Oh, yeah. Wag wag lids, it's Dan.

Hope you enjoyed today's episode. Do us a favour, if you're watching on YouTube, can't and see me do stand up get tickets at dannightingale.com appreciate you you're a good egg you're a good lid back to the episode how do you know when a woman really wants you well because she looks

at you in the eye and goes come to mine and fuck my pussy yeah if she says that there's subtle hints like that

the thing is as a man and this is where experience comes in I don't know when to sometimes you miss those when they look you in the eye and they go come round to mine and fuck me

in the pussy you're like you've got to read between the lines what do you mean what are you after what do you mean signals art of seduction fuck me in the pussy What do you mean? What are you after? What do you mean? What do you mean? Signals. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good, good, good. Art of seduction. Fuck me in the pussy. You're having another shot of tequila. Stick your dick in my... You don't even like tequila? There's something that nightingale wants you to know. What do you genuinely look for? Like, before you were with your happily married wife,

what did you look for from a woman? In order to know... What do I look for? In order to know it was on. Like, you're in a club, you're dancing. So what would I have to do? When people go, what was your type? Honestly, my type was women that wanted to fuck me.

This is what I'm saying now. You're missing the girl here. How did you know that people wanted to fuck this is what i'm saying when you're missing a girl how did you know that people wanted to fuck you are we role playing yeah yeah i'm just gonna let you know a bit like driving i have had a drink and i'm not sure i should role play but i'll do it it's raquel's back jamie you ask the questions'll do that in a bit. I don't want to ask questions. I'll do the questions. I can't read when I... Raquel's back.

Nice. Is it Raquel? It's Raquel. Fucking hell. Hello, mate. They was Irish, Dave. Irish Raquel. Hang on.

I thought I was the lady. Yeah, but this... Is that Raquel? It's role reversal. Is that... Oh, you Irish... Hello, mate. I've had a stroke.

Oh, no. Irish girls are always the same. I love mate. I love mate. I love mate. How are you doing, mate? You sound like the great Carly. Have you lost your friends, mate?

You need somewhere to stay, mate? Wow. Irish girls are rapey. I don't want to rape you, mate. I swear to God, god mate I want to have conceptual sex mate Hey for that person that emailed about

listen this is a podcast and it's been a podcast for ages you forgot your route I honestly need you to watch the episode to see Adam doing what he's doing

I had to look into the eyes of this okay go go go right I'm ready we're in a nightclub. What year is it?

I'm young. I'm young. No, too young. It's next year. Laura's gone. Laura's gone. Laura's gone. Oh, no.

I'm just going to fuck one of these, aren't I? No. Laura's gone. Laura's gone. She has... What are you listening to there? I'm just getting some Turkish pool music. No, I'm gone. No, no, no, no. She is What are you listening to there? I'm just getting some Turkish pool music Hang on

No no no This is when I was in my peak of like We're talking 2004 2005 Just put in 2004 2005 That's in and around there We're going to get demonetised though

No I'll make sure it's not listed Alright Copyrighted That's in and around there What like Dan's music We're gonna get demonetised though No I'll make sure it's Not listed Alright I'll make sure it's not listed Like copyrighted Okay Ready Yeah 2004

You're gonna get royalty free music That Dan recognises Oh my god Text me back Preston Hello mate Preston Where is it

Oh shit Do you come here often mate Where are your friends come mate? Oh no it was Manchester You're on your own? Hi Alright love you alright? Sound mate?

Yeah You on pills or what? I just drink me mate Don't do any of that shite mate Famous Killed my grandmother mate Famous Turkish girl who just drinks My grandmother had a pill mate

I'm fucking dead now Yeah You know what Died of a heart attack My grandmother, mate. Famous Turkish girl who just drinks. My grandmother had a pill, mate. I'm fucking dead now. Yeah. You know what? I died of a heart attack. When I was clubbing, I was so sick of meeting Turkish women whose grandmother had OD'd on pills. It's one of them boring stories, isn't it? The thing is, mate, everyone my grandmother slept with,

they always complimented on her pussy. Everyone my grandmother slept with, they always complimented on her pussy. And I get told I got my pussy from my grandmother, if you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean? I know exactly what you mean. Skip to generations. Turkish pussy skips. Yes, my mother's pussy.

It's like cancer. My mother's pussy looked like punched lasagna, mate, but mine, pretty, pretty pussy. Anyway. I'm gay now. I've also got a lovely arsehole, mate. You can pretend I am a man. About 25 seconds ago. I will wear a skullcap, mate. A skullcap? A skullcap?ish no i'm into swimmers i will shave my head for you mate she's a you can call me john oh of course while you

fuck me in the butthole in my german butthole when's this kicking in 2, 3, 4 I thought it was kicking in I'm up for it I mean fundamentally I'm into it tell you what I do I'll give you absolute full marks

for the effort involved there but yeah I'd be into it. You got a sister? Why? I'll fuck the both of you, mate. Oh, I'm not having a threesome with him. Why? I don't even want to go on to Tenerife with him.

Oh, imagine having a threesome with Jamie Hutchinson. One in each ear, mate. Uh-oh. I've got big ear holes, mate. Like my grandmother had proper she had lovely pussy stop mentioning your grandma

I'm trying to bang you love stop mentioning your fucking grandma if you've seen my grandmother you'd want her to join too and we did once before she died naughty I saw the moment

I saw the moment I saw the moment when Adam was like what are we doing with our lives good quote okay well none of us

settled down wag wag lids love the podcast so you have 24 hours and have to do all four things one of them six times one of them 12 times

one 18 times and one 24 times hang on hang on you've got to do one six 12 18 24 6 12 18 no you said 24 6 12 18 24 oh yeah 6 12 18 24 scores up in sixes uh the things are run miles eat donuts have wanks and drink pints. I mean, it's already in the right order, isn't it? I'm taking this seriously. So they are 6, 12, 18, and 24. What order will you choose? The order always changes depending on who is answering and also from men to women.

Men usually think they're clever and can nail 24 wanks easily, forgetting they will have had 12 to 18 pints. Oh, so you do it in order so hang on can you go through what they are again i've had a beer okay 6 12 18 24 yeah and it's run miles run miles eat donuts eat donuts have wanks and drink pints well you've got to get the miles out first surely run miles eat donuts and drink pints. Well, you've got to get the miles out first, surely. Run miles, eat donuts, and drink pints. Yeah.

And you've got to do what? And have wanks as well. And have wanks. Oh, dear. Right. You run first or you're tired. No, no, no. But literally, be honest, the run miles is so fundamental

because I was jogging before Etta was born. Like in and around five years ago, I was running, and I was running two, three times a week. I was running seven, eight miles in a jog, in a run, right? I went over that a few times. I'm not sure I could run for 12 miles. The only miles I can run. I was really fit.

Dan, I don't think anyone wants to run any more than six miles. So run miles is a fundamental. I think that's what Deez is saying. I'll tell you. Gets you tired and hungry. And the first three pints will just go so down easy. So I'm doing running wanks, donuts, pints. I'm telling you right now, I love wanking, but I cannot.

I love wanking. I love wanking. Oh, by the way. Oh, you're going to hate this. Drunk Danzia. Last night. Last night. Has been really organized.

And I was like, you know what? I'm going to prep the episode nice and early. I was like, you know what? I don't need to do that downstairs. I'll go up to the bedroom. And I prepped the episode. I just prepped the episode really nicely. I was like, got it all. bedroom and I prep the episode. I just prep the episode really nicely. I was like, got it all.

Harry Robinson does all the emails. He gets it in a Google Doc. Dan's hammered, by the way. Shut up, you fucking rat. And then because the laptop was in the bed with me, I was like, oh, I'll have a big wank. That laptop? I don't care.

He's such a jupiter. Wanky fingers. Fuck. Good on you, Adam. I've come on almost everything in this room. No. You haven't come on me. What?

Have you had a wank in this room? I've had several wanks in this room. No! Bruh. I've come on the couch. Oh, you haven't. Oh, God. You've come on the desk. He's not. Well. Oh, God. You've come on the desk.

He's not. Well, he's not. I laid some... Have you had one? Be honest. Have you had one? Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh 6 miles How is Jamie the most I can't have more than 12 I can't have more than 12 wanks in a day

I'm telling you right now These aren't choices I can't run more than 6 miles I cannot have more than 12 wanks I would struggle to hit that number Oi shout out If you've hit more than 5 in a day Fuck enjoy A levels

Enjoy A levels out if you've hit more than five in a day fuck enjoy a levels drink pint 18 i'm going 18 pints which i've never done in my life 24 donuts but that seems the less offensive doesn't it jamie have you got an answer um I'd have to run first. There's no fucking way on earth. I physically couldn't do 12 wanks. It comes out like a fucking big bogey after one, after a three-day wait. Oh, a bogey. I'm not creating sperm at the minute. You need to hydrate, mate.

Oh. It's like one big song. By the way I know I'm drunk but I went you need to hydrate me in my head I was like that'll make everyone laugh in my head I was like

that'll get everyone short-lived once every six months I have to control the boat I was so sure I was so sure I was so sure that was gonna be a fucking diamond line I used to be able

to come on my own chin but now don't go past my thumb bum I came in my own eye once that's what happened yeah

shit no buttons for you today it's impossible it's an impossible feat I don't think it's possible Shit. No buttons for you today. It's impossible. It's an impossible feat. I don't think it's possible. I can do this, but I think you should all think it very, very wrong. What would you do?

So here's what I would do. Go on. I think I'm wanking six times. How much? Right? Yeah. Then I'm 12 doughnuts. Fucking knobheads. Right? 18. Then I'm 12 donuts. You're fucking not bad.

Right? 18 pints. And then I'm running 24 miles at my own pace. That's why Paula Ratcliffe shit herself. Yeah. Doesn't say you can't shit yourself, though. I'd shit myself doing a fucking lap of a track, lad. I'd shit myself on the 100 metres.

Never mind doing a marathon. I've already accepted me fate. Where do the hair go? Genuinely. By the question, the question's from Kaylee. You have 24 hours to do all four things. Oh, yeah.

So you have to, so you, you just said, six wanks is two hours, isn't it? Hang on, hang on. Are you just going to stay at home for the first two hours wanking? Yeah.

Eating donuts. Can you combine the two? And then you're having donuts and then you're drinking 18 pints. I think you're going to run out of time for that run. You're going to be emptied, spent, full. Two hours wanking. Absolutely hammered.

Donuts. Another two hours for 12. Heavy two minutes, yeah. 12, two hours wanking. Absolutely hammered. Donuts, another two hours for 12. Every two minutes, yeah. 12, two hours. That's six an hour every 10 minutes of donuts. I reckon I could do that. Be audible, be sick, but I could do it. 18 pints.

I can do easy five pints an hour. Yeah. Easy. After six wanks and 12 donuts, though. I've had three bottles of lager. I could probably do six pints an hour I reckon every ten minutes

a pint I could do that so that's three hours five seven so I've got 17 hours

to run 24 miles now I'm sorry at what mile I back myself at what mile would Adam Rowe have a full on heart attack

let's be honest be honest you walk at like Three mile an hour You're full of donuts And you're empty of jizz I know And that's your super power

I'm telling you That's the right way to go You do the run last And you just do it At your own Like But you've got a time limit though Yeah I know

But I'd have 17 hours Through 24 miles Jamie You can't do that You probably did that Walking around Marmaris. Is he opening bills? It's a movie. It's the private healthcare.

I wouldn't put that on camera, Dan. You're going to need some private healthcare after this. Has anyone used it? No, I want to get here so I can use it, but I have another chance I tried to use it

yeah because you had a pre-existing thing no I didn't they just went oh sorry mate no more insurance what we've done mate we cancelled your policy

two hours before you rang you now have to die in pain we told the NHS you don't want them anyway so you're going to die on your own

sorry mate bye bye got a viva yeah customer service it's around this company anyway so you're going to die on your own sorry mate bye-bye i want to use it though i love him here we go i love him i love him so much what made you that, because the commitment to this podcast is phenomenal. The commitment, commitment from this man to this podcast. Never doubt it. Never doubt. For me,

this is a lifeboat. No wonder I'm clinging to it. He's got other stuff going on. I've never seen him turn up to do anything other than fucking land some bullshit. I love him. Do you know? It's three o'clock. I reckon.

You, you. Oi, podcasters. Jamie, listen. Oi, anyone that's trying to do what we're doing, you dream of having someone to do a podcast like Adam Rowe. Not even joking. Like a fucking rock. Jamie, how often in your life have you ever been in to do a podcast like Adam Rowe. Not even joking. Like a fucking rock. Jamie,

how often in your life have you ever been in a room and thought, he's fucked? Oh! Oh, what's that? Sweat. Oh, my piss smell!

What's that? That's sweat. Have you regressed? Oh my God. I've forgotten to put anti-perspirant on. Anti-perspirant? That was regressed into a child? What do you call it?

Deodorant. Oh, right. I thought you were going to say anti-perspirant. I was about to call you a fucking nonce. Or bow spray. Yeah, that's weird. Oh! Oh, God. Hands. Oh, what a catch nonce. Or Bowes, can I? Yeah, that's me. Oh! Oh, God.

Hands. Oh, what a catch that was. Fucking DeAndre Hopkins! What? What have you done? Oh, shit, sorry. I fucking love DeAndre Hopkins. What's your opinion on Deon Dublin, Jamie?

Oh, he's good. He's a good man. Adaptable. Yeah. As a presenter and a striker. Oh, Joe. The bongo thing he has. Used to be a centre-half as well.

He's very adaptable. Oh, dear. Throw that again and watch me catch it. Was it close? No. No. Should we do some agony, Adam? Bongo as well, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Let's do some agony. So I'm going to ask you two for advice here. Press the button. I'm looking around the room and I'm like... Are you getting it? Yay! I'm like, do you know what?

These two people are ready to help people out. We're a balanced midfield. Do you know what I feel like right now? I feel like You know when like Your sentiment field partner Gets sent off Two minutes into the second half

Juan Verón You know when Gerrard Came on against Man United Two footers Juan Mata And got fucking legged I had the head out Juan Mata

Was the head out Oi I know he got mentioned before Love Juan Sebastian Verón I've never really thought about mentioned before I love Sebastian Varane I've never really thought about how much I love him He's fucking quality He looked quality

He played, am I wrong? He played for fucking Bocca Sampdoria Lazio, United, Chelsea Inter And then he went back to his own club of, like, Estudiantes or something.

He's at Parma as well. Parma's with the kit I like him in. I've got that kit. Lovely kit. Crespo with Crespo as well. Are your finishers, can you hear that? Estudiantes? Yeah, who's his boy club?

Boy home. Mate, do you know what? Juan Varane. Let's get him on. All right, I'm going to stop talking. Shut up, Ron. Agony Adam, help a teacher out. A teacher that's written in.

And we're going to take this very seriously, Mrs. Anonymous. Wag wag lids, I need a little help. I reckon you're not going to give me some solid advice on this one. I am a trainee teacher, high school maths. Hey, that would have been my bleak one. I am a trainee teacher, high school maths. Hey, that would have been my bleak future. I didn't have any dreams.

Fucking hell. Passive advice, kill yourself. I've got 99.9% of the job down to a T. The only niggle I have. What? Niggle. of the job down to a t the only niggle i have what niggle i have is when it comes to dealing with the proper little shits that don't respond to any form of behavior management i'm a sound teacher i always have a laugh with the class but admittedly i am really strict and don't stand messing the majority of the time it goes well however there are a couple of pupils in my class who are proper class clowns who have potential i'm sure you know the type of kids i mean anyway not an

i do works it's difficult for me because i was a proper geek when i was in school never had a detention or even a warning from a teacher so i don't know what would make these lot get in line but i have an inkling that you have a perspective from the kids side that i don't basically she thinks we're all reprobates and we weren't nerds in school and you know what you're half right uh what would have made you behave in class more sanctions harsher ones help a gal out thanks guys from mrs anonymous um i like it i like it i uh i responded well when they like ripped me don't mean it was just like uh a bit herself yo when they joined in With the bullying

Well I weren't bullied I was Because I It didn't affect me Yeah but Jamie Jamie The only teachers That can do that sort of ribbing

Are the teachers Who've been the ribber She's saying She's geek Learn No no no But I know what you mean You're saying

Oh I respond to the teachers Who had a bit about them Yeah yeah Who did a bit of a slam I think they're the teachers who had a bit about them, who did a bit of a slam. I think they're the teachers that were a bit, like, had a bit of naughty in them when they were school kids. What can she do?

What's your advice, Dan? Have you ever seen the Michelle Pfeiffer film? Which one? Go on, face. The one about the teacher. What's the teaching? Rap in front of them. Just put on a do-rag and rap.

Hey, I'm your teacher. Dangerous minds. Have you ever... Cut that out. Cut that last bit out. Here we go. Give me a clean edit point. Look at me.

Have you ever seen Dangerous Minds? The very well-known film with Michelle Pfeiffer? She goes in. It's a silent P then. Silent P. Give me a clean edit point. Ready? Asians!

Has anyone seen the famous 1996 hit right we'll redo it shut up you nubs has anyone seen

the famous 1995 film Dangerous Minds with Michelle Heifer a lot of people pronounce that

Pfeiffer because they don't know it's a silent film yeah but they're just being annoying where she's like she goes into an inner city school and she's like i mean this is i'm you know this is she basically goes in and goes yo yeah i'm white but check it i've got bars and then they're like And then they're like, fuck, what? They're like, yes. Him as well. Matthew Perry's one. Mr. Banks.

I love that film. And he's got a class of underdeveloped brain kids. Right. Behavioural. Well done for not using like a derogatory term for them. Yeah. Oh, I wouldn't have them yeah oh Adam when are you I wouldn't have thought of one

when are you standing for parliament I'm looking forward to it go on and erm the light run rings round him and everything and then he gets

him on side because he starts acting cool and I think he he gets a basketball in one yeah this film doesn't exist

Matthew Perry isn't in this film Matthew Perry Mr Banks we just googled it doesn't exist google Matthew Perry the Ron Clark story.

I put it up as Mr. Banks. Can I just ask, did my film exist? My film exists. Ron Clark story. Adam, which teachers at school, what made them have your respect? When they sort of didn't care whether we listened so the teachers who were like right if you all want to be cunts fine you'll fail and it won't affect my life but not the ones who like over egged that because there was like someone like

i've got my gcses so don't fucking worry mates i'll be sound i've got my gSEs, so don't fucking worry, mate. I'll be sound. I've got my GCSEs. You need yours, and I've already got mine, so I hated them. That was that English teacher. It was the ones who were like, you'd start being constant, and they'd just go, sound, and they'd literally sit there in silence. They'd wait for you to finish, and be like,

right, okay. Anyway, William Shakespeare, bit of a wordsmith, and they'd tell you about Hamlet and that. It's like when your mum was like, I'm not angry, I'm disappointed. It's almost like the... I'm not angry, I'm not disappointed. I'm just going to wait.

I just don't care. Just, like, given... Anyone who's being a little twat in school wants attention from either the teacher or the rest of the class. And if you just ignore them and don't give them it and just like yeah okay you don't kill yeah let them hang themselves with their own rope don't even say you don't it's hard though if they're being knobheads in the other

class i suppose you just go cool i'm gonna let you do what you're doing and when you're finished i'll start i had a but what if they do that what what if a teacher actually did that when all right so and so is being a Knobhead I'm gonna let you I'm gonna let you finish And then we'll start Say we'll do this

When they're finished And let the class go A And even the knobheadiest kid Is gonna run out of shtick And then go Alright Cool just start Or

Just like Horrible mum jokes Yeah Yeah so I When the kids are being naughty And they're just like Alright you finished Just so you know

Your mum takes cock on the daily Anyway I got William Shakespeare was a bit of a wordsman I got humiliated by a teacher Is that William Was the original mum slam A William Shakespeare slam

Yeah Ye old mum Loves a dick Jamie did you get humiliated by a teacher What Did you get humiliated by a teacher Oh shit yeah No hang on

Give me a clear edit point Jamie Did you ever get humiliated by your teacher? What? Did you get humiliated by your teacher? No hang on Give me a clear edit point Jamie Did you ever get humiliated by your teacher? Yeah Mr Banks Oh yeah yeah yeah I had a viral video I'd love to save it

Well not viral But it went round the school And I got pissed And I cried about having ginger pubes Because I was dead insecure about it And it was caught on film Oh well Audio

Because we was We was on the golf course And it was caught on film oh well audio uh because we was we was on the golf course and it was black and um it went around the school like the youtube thing um it was dark it was nighttime and they filmed him crying about his pubes but you couldn't see him because it was so dark and what class was it no that was that was like us being drunk yeah and I got arrested that night well not arrested but took home and

it went round I was being a knobhead in class and he just played it on his laptop in front of the class this year was it crying

oh my god that's such a fucking baller move this year was it crying you little pussy ass bitch so find out what the biggest insecurity is

and if there are a certain age group and the voice aren't both you've not got your balls aren't dropped though yeah just literally finding

insecurities i think that's perfect oh yeah well done damien yeah it's good yeah getting a bit spotty there aren't you you big fucking pock faced

cunt you big fat shite. Shut up. If there's any gay people being annoying, be homophobic. Use racism if you need to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sexism.

Look at you, you stupid bitch. As the dad left. Lean on that. Hey, all right, fucking womp head. No wonder your dad got off. Not only are you annoying, but your mum's a whore. I think the head teacher might get involved.

Deny it. Flat out deny it. Deny it. And bribe all the children in the class to be on your side. I reckon if someone said that to someone at our school, they would. I mean, I'm steaming and that seems wrong, but never mind. Yeah, give it a try. Yeah.

You seem so. Remember when your nan died last year? That was sad, wasn't it? Did you have a week off when your nan died last year that was sad wasn't it did you have a week off because your nan died Shakespeare anyway did she kill herself

because you're a cunt you're proper ugly you know it's like really there's going to come a point in your life where you'll be the last person to have been fucked in your year you're not going to get asked to the dance you're ugly

and no one wants to dance because you smell as well you big fat shite anyway William Shakespeare where did you learn English in a helicopter Carl

do you know what I love this podcast this is I I allude you knew you knew oh god

I think what we need to do is that done oh no oh is it done not really done have I been bad you haven't been bad

it's fantastic you've made Jamie look like normal Jamie's going away from me I'm going do you know what things aren't so bad I told you Group Dynamics mate

It's McAlealy Free roll McAlealy You are welcome listeners Can I be Varun? A bit wild You can be Varun You love Varun

Is he Lampard? You look like him as well Adam's Lampard yeah I've been box to box You've been bald and free roaming I'm telling you right now I'm going to go away from this place and buy a

Juan Sebastian Ferran shirt you should do that's good Dan's got some previews coming up there at danspreviews.com I have he's going on tour

the tickets for the actual tour are at dannightingale.com he's so good thanks for remembering it's good I've got a handful of tickets left for Oxford and London

so go and get them they're at adamrodo.co.uk forward slash shows and Jamie Hutchinson has now got his own hip podcast the Hot Water Green Room yes on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok

etc it's the best rip off of us so far we are good rip offs honestly of all the rip offs that have been of have a word

yours is up there we're proper Aldi level rip offs mate co-hosted by Tony Callow another former

have a word guest and you can follow Jamie on his own social media Twitter is particularly

hilarious I really enjoy it on Twitter Jamie H comedy please Twitter and the gram and the arena show Jamie will be there in some capacity Twitter is particularly hilarious I really enjoy it on Twitter Jamie H comedy please Twitter and the gram The arena show

Jamie will be there In some capacity We're inviting a lot of Our former guests down To that night There's a couple we don't want there Because they'll ruin it You're going to be at the arena

So excited about that As a night 10,000 people Oh my god If you're going by The remainder of the tickets You can get them from Ticketquartz.co.uk And gigsandtours.com That is everything 10,000 people. Oh, my God. If you're going to buy the remainder of the tickets, you can get them from TicketQuartz.co.uk and GigsandTours.com.

That is everything I've got. Oh, no, it isn't everything, because we end our public episodes with a bit of tunage now, a song on the audio version. If you're on YouTube, this will be the end for you. If you're on audio, then there's a song coming up. Enjoy it either way. Finn, talk into that mic.

This is a song by a band called 32 Tens. It's three, two, and then the word tens. This came out on Friday. 32 Tens sounds like my ideal gangbang. Carry on. Okay. It's called Readjust. It came out on Friday. Check

it out on Spotify, everywhere. That's all I've got. Thanks, Finn. Bye. Ta-ra. It came out on Friday. Check it out on Spotify, everywhere. That's all I've got. Thanks, thanks, Finn. Check it out. Ta-da. In a bit. Bye. Bye. Oh, you Your fears were meant to rise

You're written in your tears You've all you Your tears are memorized Don't fight these pressures I know you find it a little hard to breathe The daylight might deflector I know that's only temporary Oh, living in a ghost town With no sound

You feel it beat alive A drink in a long cloud Who knows now In a long cloud It rolls now You're here No need to hide Don't fight these pressures I know you find it a little Hard to breathe

But your life is precious No, it's only temporary I will give you all I need I will give you all I need Cyn i mi ddweud wrthych chi, mae angen amser i feddwl am hynny, pan fydd y sŵn yn dechrau. Just feel real with the pain I see No one is there I need time To think this over While our souls decay