Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #213 with Alfie Brown - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: February 27, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.uk/showsComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for?Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsFinn's new single "I Think I Do" is out now: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off sitewide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with the promo code: WORD20True Classic Tees | https://trueclassictees.com/WORD25Get 25% off with promo code WORD25 at checkout #trueclassicpodCalm | https://calm.com/wordGet 40% off a Calm Premium Subscription with unlimited access to Calm’s entire library.BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10If you want to live a more empowered life, therapy can get you there. Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword to get a Huge Discount off your NordVPN Plan + a Bonus Gift! It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-backStitch Fix | https://stitchfix.co.uk/word20% off when you keep all five items!Sneak Energy | https://sneakenergy.comUse code 'WORD10' for BOTH the creator code (in your cart) AND discount code (at checkout) for 10% off your order and 100 elite points!Merch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastAlfie Brownhttps://twitter.com/abcomedianhttps://instagram.com/alfiebrowncomedianADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening, ladies and gentlemen? How are we doing? Now, thank you very much to everyone who watched my special Imperius and Dan's stand-up special Smasher. They both went out last month. But my brand new special, Juicy, is available right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash haveawordpod, which you'll already know if you're watching it on the YouTube, if you're listening to it. Head over there. You can watch my brand new special. It's one long story. It's very different to the usual stand-up I do, but it's the most proud I've ever been of a piece of work, I work my absolute arse off on it, assisted by

this week's guest, Alfie Brown, he was the director, Will, who works here with all our cameras and stuff, our director of photography, big part of it as well, he's made it look absolutely beautiful, I'm so proud of this special, do me a favour, go to the YouTube channel and watch Adam Rowe Juicy now. And if you like it, give it a like, share it with your mates. I'd be very, very grateful if you did that. On top of that, please don't forget, as always, we have got a Patreon page, patreon.com slash have a word pod. If you sign up from as little as three quid a month, you get an extra episode every single week. You get a Patreon special every single month. like the lock-ins the ghost hunts the roast the amsterdam special that went out recently there's such a back catalogue there and you get all of it including

the stuff that's still to come for just three quid a month and on top of that have a word live.com if you want to come and see the have a word podcast live tour we're doing a stand-up show in london and we're doing live podcast shows in gl, Dublin, Newcastle, and Birmingham. There's loads more shows being announced soon. Dan's on tour. My tour gets announced very soon. Keep an eye out for all of that. But please go and watch Juicy.

I'd be very, very grateful. And then come back and watch this episode, because it is going to be a belter. I know it was a belter. We've already recorded it. Wag wag, lads. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game.

With Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn, this is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped.com The very best in below the belt men's grooming. Go Ed, get on me. I've had coffee for the first time in 10 days.

I feel like a blind man who can see again. Go, Ed. Get on me. I've had coffee for the first time in 10 days. Woo-hoo-hoo! I feel like a blind man who can see again. Woo-hoo-hoo! I feel like a guide dog who's into it. This walk's going to be fun. He leading me. Because I have a black American guide dog in my head. Oh, yeah.

Taking this motherfucker everywhere. Is it like a little Frenchie? Yeah. Yeah. Why did Labradors get that job it like a little Frenchie? Yeah. Yeah. Why did Labradors get that job? Do you know what I mean? Because they're just dead sound. No, but like,

why don't you get a choice? Well, yeah, because- I know if you're blind, you could just tell them like it's a fucking Rottweiler or whatever, right? Yeah. Like, why can't the blind person go, do you know what?

I like Huskies. I want a guide poodle. Yeah. Does it matter? No. Yeah, it does. Because if you had a Husky as a guide dog

and a fucking cat ran out, you'd end up with a blind person in the woods. You'd train the husky. No, I mean, does it matter to the blind person? Yeah. Well, the husky'd feel nice. You want to flex, don't you, if you can't see? Like, yeah, but look at me dog.

And also, a lot of blind people aren't actually blind. Look at my dog. That's a genuine view. They're just partially sighted. Most blind people can see a bit. Like, they can see that it's a husky or a Labrador giant. A little bee. You get like Alsatians, don't you?

Right. I guide Alsatian. Yeah, I've seen them. Yeah, but some dogs are big spanners, aren't they? I guide sheepdog. That's an intelligent dog. Yeah, you get loads of them. I guide border collie.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're not allowed to pet them. You end up in a field though, just running around after sheep. I guide Newfoundland. You've seen them they're fucking

big big fellas guide great day and he'd be sick as you can just go on to bath guide

Rhodesian Ridgeback just naming dogs now aren't we yeah it's a dinosaur um hi everyone fuck him up

um I am in a great mood old fucking coffee legs here I'm back on the mood old fucking coffee legs here I'm back on the shite old coffee legs old coffee legs everyone in your life

gets like leg based nicknames don't they yeah yeah chicken legs coffee legs you saw a lady with a nice breast

the other day I was like tit legs tit legs we me and Laura always checking out the ladies with the

old tit legs you know if Laura sees like a girl with a nice ass does she point them out to you? Oh no. No. Look at the fucking

chestnuts on that. Excuse me? Chestnuts. The chestnuts. Look at the key man on that. And that's the bottom and the bottom. She's a chestbonian.

Now we do check out breasts we don't weirdly check out bums. I'm more of a bum man than a boobbonian. Now, we do check out breasts. We don't weirdly check out bums. I'm more of a bum man than a boob man, me. Well, I am, and I think that's what Laura knows. Legs for me more than anything. Ankles for me.

I'm an ankle man. Don't you say that. You can get a sexy ankle. No, you can't. You can have a sexy back. You can have a sexy arse and a sexy legs. You can't have a sexy ankle. No one's got a fit ankle. No.

No, sometimes. Oh, look at her collarbone. Sometimes. I'm an ear man. I'm an ear man. I'm like, Laura, look at the lobes on that. And she knows. She knows.

Look on that. Pop an objective. Look at the tits on that. Laura won't let me check out bums. Why? I think she's very bum proud. She's got a great... She's got a great eye.

I'm a baby man, mate. But if we see the... Does Seneca point out fit women. Why? I think she's very bum proud. She's got a great... She's got a great ass! I'm a baby, man, mate. But if we see the... Does Seneca point out fit women to you? We always do. Yeah, and I say he's a good looking man. I'm not jealous. Yeah? If it's a fit man, I'm like,

fuck it, look at him. Yeah. Look at him over there. And she's like, yeah, yeah. She plays it down, but I know she's like, yeah. She can't play. Whoa, look at him! Yeah.

Where are your fucking trousers, Seneca? At least you played it though why was she wearing trousers in the first place she's a she's a modern woman out there checking out men

women wearing trousers earning money yeah you should be able to watch her tell you oh fuck he's fitter he's fitter he's fitter like she's heavier

yeah like she's the best looking in this all I'm all I'm referencing is the one time we saw a girl with a nice bum and I was like

I literally just went oh nice bum I was like not today or something or the way to do it I did a bad job of it you're silly

you're silly you're silly if you've got like leggings on or something just go mad them all them leggings aren't they and you can point

and you both look right but you're not going the arse you go them leggings are fucking mad aren't they yeah don't you're not going the arse. You go, them leggings are fucking mad, aren't they? Yeah. Don't be like, look at the arsehole on that. God bless leggings, ladies and gents.

Wonderful. Would Laura point out a horrible arse? Would she be like, look at the fucking stage that cunt over there? Like a bag of leggings. Yeah, like that. She does it in a Scouse accent as well. When she's getting really nasty. Fuck sake.

Absolute fucking train crash. Does she ever say that? Train crash. Look at the cost. Train crash. That's a fucking three car pileup of a fucking... Look at the cock on him, mate.

Bonder. Did she ever say that? Yeah. Well, yeah. If we were walking and we saw someone with leggings on and a massive dick in them, I think, you know,

eyebrows would be raised. I think that's allowed, isn't it? Look at her, mate. Look at the pipe. Purple ackee walking down Chester High high street have you seen that train crash that released all the stuff into the air in ohio excuse me what probably the wrong sound effect for a train crash have you seen it yeah it was like a big cloud above ohio no one's seen the water no if you talk us through what's

going on because i don't know i've only seen a couple of TikToks, but this train crash with this mad chemical on has caused this insane release of chemicals into the sky. It looks like Ohio's got like a mole. It's fucking mad. I found out I've got a mole on the back of my eye, by the way. Come here. Oh, God.

Me weekly MRI. Hello, Mr. RR. Getting a little fucking happy ending at the end of the MRI. If you're getting weekly MRIs, you Miss RR. But it's... Getting a little fucking happy ending at the end of MRIs. If you're getting weekly MRIs, you've got to get them cheaper. I've got a camera. But if you throw something into the water,

like they're running water, it bubbles. Like, it bubbles up. And it's all got oil spots in it. And the government's like, yeah, it's sad, but... That is fine. I think we might be coming to the end of days, mightn't we?

Well, in Ohio, they're getting it. We have to accept that, that the whale might be coming to it. If you get a glass of water off the tap, it's got a white film on the top of it. Like a Guinness. Spread the G. You can spread the G on a glass of water. Split the G and your kid's like, I can't see!

It's in a bad way, and it's kind of not getting spoken about. But look at that. So there's the plume. Yeah. And it was an organised release apparently to stop it exploding more so they planned that after the crash. So if it exploded people would have died. Yeah. Yeah, okay, so they decided that we... They've just killed

all the bats. And that can... The car's engines and that are directly linked to cancer so they've said to everyone in Ohio, yeah you should leave but you know, if you don't, you're fine. Yeah. They've covered their arse. Absolutely. Get in the car, drive as far away from Ohio as you can.

Or stay here. Hey, if you've not got a license, it's killed all the fish. Yeah. All the fish are floating upstream. And everyone's always like, yeah, it's killed. I'll say this right now.

Any Ohioan refugees, I've got a spare room there. You're welcome in ours. Yeah. Apart from Bengals fans um right that looks pretty fucking horrific i love governments there's so funny there's conspiracies there's conspiracies about it of course there is like it was controlled yeah yeah yeah traffic cones that i invented yeah yeah of course there is because that's the first thing people do. It can't just be an accident.

It has to be some big government plot to kill Ohio. All the aliens now. All the aliens are happening. It all happens at mad times, doesn't it? Yeah. There's the aliens crash a train. What?

Are you trying to sound thick? Because it sounded thick, that. No, because it's conspiracy, isn't it? It's all the aliens crashing scenes't it? Solly aliens. Crashing scenes. I hope there is aliens. I want them to come and have a... I reckon we just have a little fucking man-to-man.

Come to ours. I'll make you the roasties. Do you know what I mean? I reckon if I made aliens roasties, they'd calm down. Any more calmer than they are. They've not even said hello. They're hiding, aren't they?

Yeah, because they're silence assassins. They're playing the side. Just Ohioan train drivers. That's the fucking, that's, you know, the train company doing a fucking job interview. What experience have you got? Yeah. Crash.

Scottish? Yeah, that was Scottish. That was his experience. I'm just saying, it's all happening at mad times. They're shooting down cars in the sky and all that yeah what

think about it yeah I will what they're shooting down cars yeah the thing the size of a car the Chinese balloon yeah

the Chinese car balloon that was Chinese I went for an eye test by the way okay what can we get an Adam's health update because there's two

things that it's just, it's hit a lot. Like, I'm cooking. I'm doing good cooking. And also me health. Go on. I'm doing an eye test.

Yeah. It's a Vision Express. Woman sat me, you know, she took like all the, did like a full eye health exam. Right. She said,

Sanch, you've got lovely eyes. She just looked to them for ages going god they're mesmerizing i don't usually do this later oh my god she said i've got very healthy eyes what's your vision like um i do need a very small prescription right she was like you don't need it you've got astigmatism so it's not short-sighted or long-sighted it's like both she's like but

you don't need to wear them all the time she's like just if you're concentrating for ages if you're on your phone all day oh my god all the time fucking hell

or if you're doing a long so if you're doing a long drive where you've got to concentrate for a long period they'll help you with that yeah that's your life innit you're a comedian

who's on your phone yeah so I've got them ordered they're coming got a half price pair of Ray of ray-bans it's a little deal what have you gone for uh ted baker's quite square because they frame your face the best like the circle ones just made me are they like black rim like that or ted baker ray-bans did you say ray-ban i've got Ray-Ban sunglasses. Right, okay, cool. Ted Baker. Glasses, glasses. Yeah.

But I've got a freckle, it is, on the back of my left eye. Can you see it? What? They take, like, scans of your eyes. You've got a freckle? Yeah, there's a little freckle. Like the way you get a freckle on your arm,

you can get them on the back of your eyes. My mum had one. Fuck my hat. I didn't know that. It was nice. I like it. She went, that's it. There's not need to be done about it,

but we'll check it every year or two to make sure it doesn't get any bigger. Because if it gets any bigger, you might go blind or die. Because good things are safe to do, isn't it? And that made me feel closer to my mum as well. Adam's died, but it was nice for him. Yeah.

So I need to just, you know, as and when, I've got a pair of glasses and i've got a sick pair of ray-bans you know all right well great you know good good have you got any health things going on you two because it's we always get the fucking update from him i'm trying to just like because of my health anxiety i'm trying to just get cover all bases you know what i mean for now and then it sort of starts let me cock looked at you know needs to cut half of that off everyone starts cock MRI eyes don't they

it's been a good few weeks though it's been great I've got a lump on my foot have you yep it's quite a big lump which bit of your foot left foot

just over the sort of you know towards the down thumb thumb you know big toe road the instep on the knuckle I know it's not a knuckle

the little crevice no it's on right on the top it's quite a large I don't know I don't know I prodded it and it didn't hurt

so Adam and I deal with health differently he spends thousands of pounds on checkups and I prod it

and go that's sad can still get my shoe on I don't want to make you like really scared like I would be but if it doesn't hurt that's sad. I can still get my shoe on. I don't want to make you like really scared like I would be, but if it doesn't hurt, that's actually worse.

Yeah. All right, well, I'm fucked. Yeah. I've got cancer of the big toe. No, but genuinely,

you should go and get that checked. And if you lose your big toe, you'll fall over all the time. Yeah. And that's the problem with you because that's the worry with cancer, isn't it?

Balance. It isn't the big toe. Yeah. It is a Dominican who can't afford it. And a cool little Fucking limp Lean back

Yeah it's quite It's lumpy Well you need to get it checked Says you If it doesn't hurt It's a problem Like actually Yeah

It should hurt Because then you've like Oh you've knocked it I'm right on I will You know about health Because you used to Oh You bunch of soft lads

You get into your early Forties And you find a lump Shit I'm right on, I will. You know about health because you used to film Dixie. You bunch of soft lads. You get into your early 40s and you find a lump. Shit, I was fucking wuss. Alfie Brown, who's on later today as our guest, is quite worried that he's got bone cancer.

Wow. You need to stop being that. If anyone's not a comedian and you want to know what it's like to hang out with comedians, we're all mental.

Apart from me, I'm lumpy. And hard. I won Slim of the Week. Did you? I did. Hey, I will join your Slim first, get this lump taken off, and I'll fucking take that title.

I've worked out I don't need to lose weight as long as I take photos at the right angle in the mirror. I look fucking crazy. Go higher. Get the drone. at the right angle in the mirror I looked fucking crazy in that suit at the comedy awards go higher angles get the drone

from the right angle in that suit at the comedy awards I looked absolutely stunning and then from this angle it was like oh Adam's put H-stone on in three seconds

I've lost ten pounds ten and a half pounds I've lost oh well done you're nearly getting your stone sticker you'll be getting your stone sticker soon

you put it on your fridge Yeah, it's really good man They all ate me Why? Because you can lose weight Because I'm a young lad, I don't need to lose lots of weight Youngish Smoking all these women Is that what you're saying?

Oh, did you get your fruit basket? No, because I wasn't there, you have to stay for the meeting to get the award Oh, the meeting, like an hour and a half of like, it's just Kate talks to me. I got my certificate and that's all that matters. That's on the fridge. Did you not stay for the meeting anymore? No, I didn't because it was,

what were we doing? We were going out or something, so we didn't stay. I think Laura said that's pretty standard fare. You have to stay for the first meeting, don't you? Yeah, but they're dull. What did you eat? Just cabbage this week. Does that work't you? Yeah, but they're dull. What did you eat? Just cabbage this week?

Does that work for you? Yeah, you've lost six stone. Well done. Just cabbage again. Six stone on the cabbage. Why don't you stay for the meeting and just lie?

Just be like, and Carl, you lost another three pounds. I had eight takeaways. But I had three nights. We ate bad in London. I've had a couple of naughty days and I've snacked

and I've still fucking smoked a lot of them just drop enough but Satan what are you all doing after London I went home and made

a massive T-bone steak and just ate it all night food I had eight bones these as a starter food

because I mistimed it and then I had a T-bone steak which was meant to be shared for four people oh yes you've made yourself a platter

yeah wow sound I thought Freddie's stepping up isn't he with the which was meant to be shared for four people. Oh, yes. You've made yourself a platter. Yeah. Wow. Sound, I thought. Freddie's stepping up, isn't he? He wants to do a cooking challenge, but he's embarrassing himself because all of his look shite. His look bad.

Freddie Quinn is apparently, really wants you... Oh, good cooking. Oh, yeah. He wants you in some sort of cook-off, doesn't he? He wants a head-to-head... I'll have a cook-off with him, but he's getting smoked, isn't he?

Like, let's be honest. I know I'm dead braggadocious and bullish about everything, but the man's a chef, you know what I mean? He needs to be judged, though, impartially. Yeah, Dave Crickley's going to do it. I feel like he's more on your side. Yeah, because I'm sound and Freddie's his dickhead. It'd have to be a blind one.

Why? Not a blind person. With his guide chihuahua. You have some foo-foo. A chooser for you. Foo-foo? Foo-foo. You have some foo-foo?

That's what I'd call my chihuahua. Foo-foo. Pussy, innit? Why? Is that another name for a lady's vagina? A foo-foo? A foo-foo. Yeah, they love it being called that as well.

The foo-foo. I'm going to stick this right in your foo-foo. The foo-foo you got? Yeah, foo-foo. I'm going to stick this right in your foo-f the foo foo you go yeah foo gonna stick this right in your foo foo that implies that he's already got it out

and it's hard I'm gonna stick this right in your foo foo just so we're all on the same page of what's happening here stick this right in your guide dog oh yeah it will be blind

yeah ooh I like it oh how confident are you with the upcoming Patreon special then the come down with me well we've got to arrange

that haven't we? Because like, apparently, Dan's got to get an Airbnb. So have I. I have as well. Carl's got to get an Airbnb. It's not,

so far, it's a great idea that isn't panning out very well. I'd rather do it when Laura was away and then we can use my house. They've changed the format

of Come Dine With Me. What's the format now? Because of COVID, they all do it in one gaff. So we could do that. Oh no, I thought the past was gone. But how do you do, the format now? Because of COVID, they all do it in one gaff. So we could do that. Oh, no, I thought the past was the same. But how do you do...

I think it's because of COVID. When they were filming during COVID, you all do different nights, but you film in one location. Oh. You go upstairs and go for the knicker drawer,

don't you? And go, ah, look at this dilly here. Whey! I love the idea of come down with me, but I just, I want to be able

to use everyone's houses and his is out of bounds and mine has got a family in it and she's not into it so yeah i mean if we did come down with me with with all due respect to you people i'm sure you're all lovely you're not fucking with me with cooking eyes i don't think yeah but it's not just judged on the entertainment it's not i'll sing it's a patron special but it's just i'll do some new stuff he'd like literally like i just want to win. It's just as long as it's entertaining, isn't it?

Yeah. I'd say that if I was you as well. Knowing I was going to lose. It's not about who wins. It's all about the journey and the friends we make on the way. Shut up. Shut up.

I don't give a fuck about friends. I want my patrons. We get belts and scrams from you and then we have a laugh. It doesn't matter who wins. Got a sugar pit bacon right there. Oh god We sponsored by sugarpip fucking baby fucking wish we were 60 quid a pop

meat I'm making nachos Make whatever you want close my ice cream ideas gonna blow all you don't the water me. Are you going conceptual? Oh, you'll see. I'm doing nine courses. Last night, after the... Nacho each. After the footy last night, I went to pub with Alfie

and two lads I used to work with in Mackey's, Nevin and Cooper, and one of their mates was with us as well. Like, I don't know this lad. And when I ordered all that meat from the butcher in Ireland, I got a sugar pit bacon rack for Nevin. I was like, I'll get you one, because he'd like my instagram stories and i was like i'll get you one so nevin goes to me let's go back to yours and have that meat you've got for me and i was like yeah we can if you want lad i mean there's no one in mind like we can go back and get on the

meat if you want and the lab was just stood there like the lab was just stood there going are we going back to yours for some meat yeah and we were like yeah if you want we had a conversation for about five minutes and then he just went can I just check his arsehole I'm not beef aren't you

I went no he went so what are you talking about I was like I've got a sugar pit bacon I'm not f'n having it and he was like oh I thought you were doing

some code word for f'n the shite lab yeah my lad my guy in Ireland has brought the meat over and I've spent I've given him 200 quid for the meat go back and get on the meat yeah yeah lad my guy in Ireland has brought the meat over and I've spent I've given him 200 quid for the meat

go back and get on the meat yeah yeah got some meat in there that'd be not a bad not a bad little you can use any word

for lemon can't you no you can't you can't come on paint me conservatory you know what I mean no I think it'd need a bit more

yeah get on the fromage frais come on it's a spoon. It's white. You are talking about munch bunch, aren't you? I reckon I could easily, I could say anything to a Scouse lad

with the right sort of like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

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like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, lad? Right. Get on the asparagus, lad. I could do anything. Do you want to come back to ours? My hard cock. Do you want to come back and get on me hard cock? Yeah, I think there'd be a bit of a grey area there.

Come back to ours, watch the 10 o'clock news. You know exactly what I mean. The 10 o'clock news? Oh. Keep me awake past 10 o'clock. What about

and I'll bum your head off? Come back to ours and I'll bum your head off? Come back to the house and I'll bum your head off. Yeah, I'll be like, no. Get on the fucking Trevor McDonald. You know exactly what I meant. Get on the fucking Day McManahan.

The Lucy Meacock. That sounds like one, doesn't it? The Lucy Meacock. Again, it sounds more gay than it does cocaine. Yeah, get on the Lucy Meacock. Suck on me cock. Nice. Have some a Micoch.

Nice. Have some drink after that one. Let me wash that down. Yeah, Etta asked for a dog again. Yeah, get her a dog. And it can be friends with Wallace, and then I can get one. Right, cool.

Can he stay with Wallace? Can he live with Wallace? Can he live with me? Can you get me a massive house? Oh, no. You should have a dog. I've live with Wallace? Can he live with me? I know. You should have a dog. I've got two kids. Yeah, but they're not... I don't want another fucking thing.

I don't want another thing that I can't get fucking looked after. I need a living nanny and dog groomer. Whoever looks after the kids looks after the dog as well. I'm not having a groomer in the house. Yeah. You cannot meet her in the middle and get her a lizard. My cousin's got lizards. Yeah? Get her a lizard middle and get her a lizard. My cousin's got lizards. Yeah?

Get her a lizard. Come back to mine. Get all my daughter's lizards. My cousin's got a bearded dragon. Absolutely awful. A gecko. Two snakes.

A dog. Right. Sorry, what's he got? And a tarantula. Oh, is he a gnoll? Do you know any of their names? It sounds bad though, doesn't it? It sounds like...

Her name is Katie. Katie? Yeah. Isn't that Katie? What do you call a lizard? What? What do you call a lizard? What? What do you call a lizard? A lizard?

No, no, no. The name. What kind of is a lizard named? Simon. Hang on. She's got a gecko. A bearded dragon. A bearded...

Two snakes. Is she attractive? Is this causing? What are you talking about? No, I don't know. She's a woman. Everyone that keeps lizards gives me the ick. I know what you mean.

I was in Aries last week and she goes, do you want to come and see the snakes? I was like, no. And you were like, she's on coke. Well, it's LinkedIn. And she went, they're in the cage. And I went, are they? Cool, cool.

And she went, they've been out a couple of times. She went, but they don't get out anymore because they don't want to. And I went, I here cool and she went they've been out a couple of times but they don't get out anymore because they don't want to and I went I'm not going to see snakes when they're just only in the cage

because they fancy it's linked oh I'm sure she's lovely I'm being a dick but everyone I've ever met that's got

yeah I've got a tarantula and a gecko and I'm like cool and that's the end of this chat how many people have you met who've said that

I had a housemate back in the day called Rob who had a massive dragon what the fuck it's a car yeah Rob Stark what um what um of this chat. How many people have you met who've said that? I had a housemate back in the day called Rob who had a massive dragon. What the fuck? It's cock. Yeah, Rob Stark.

What, um, what, um, Komodo. No. Just a big monitor lizard. It's like a beard, isn't it? The beard is quite big,

aren't it? Yeah, it's just a big, how are they? It sits on you. It's just, it's linked to your mental state, isn't it? People who have

animals that can't give them any empathy back are usually a bit fucking tapped. I've never seen it. You have a dog because you've got love and empathy, but as a fish, you can't love a fish. No, but they are pretty, aren't they? Like tropical fish in a tank.

It's quite a nice visual. No, they don't. That's not good. Get them out in the net. Hello. I'm home from work. Oh's quite a nice visual. No, they don't. That's not good. Get them out in the net. Hello. I'm home from work. Oh, that one's dead. Exactly.

It's linked. Apparently it's linked to psychopathy, obviously in a loose way. But people who have animals who they don't have an empathetic link with are more prone. She's got all of them and a dog. Yeah, so she's fucking,

she's in whenever she wants a dog must be shitting it like as they as they go to bed like yeah have you locked everything up love

because that tarantula looks fucking moody although they're not stingy are they tarantulas they just look scary they're like very tarantulas can kill

yeah some of them you're not a pet guy are you I don't feel you're an animal man I like animals I just don't have a pet

can you get a dog then I don't want to have to get someone to look after. Get a dog. They're dead easy. Our dogs are for you. No, you won't. I will.

Right. Well. Bring it here. It can be friends with Wallace. It'll be fucking lovely. Did you have pets growing up then? No. Yeah.

I had a cat, rabbits, guinea pigs. Can't remember. That was it, yeah. I had a cat. All my childhood. What was its name? Poppy Socks. Fucking hell, mate.

Did you name her? No, but it was a code word for cocaine. I'm going to pet Poppy Socks. Know what you mean? I was seven. Come back and have a go with a guinea pig. Yeah, we had a cat. I know you're pinning me as a non-pet guy,

but I do like... I just don't want a dog yet. Because every time you see Wallace, you call him a cunt and spit at him. Yeah, well, apart cat. I know you're pinning me as a non-pet guy, but I do like him. I just don't want a dog yet. When I'm older. She calls him a cunt and spits at him. Yeah, well, apart from that little rat. Hey! Fucking horrible. Horrible dog.

Get one, please. You might loosen up a little bit. It's not that I don't like dogs. It's just a fucking getting things looked after problem. I will dog sit for you. We don't live near anyone. We're an island. I have to pay Jasmine the babysitter. Move to Liverpool, then. £10 a fucking getting things looked after problem. I will dog sit for you. We don't live near anyone. We're an island. I have to pay Jasmine the babysitter.

Move to Liverpool, then. £10 a fucking hour. Move to Liverpool. Yeah, £10 an hour. A fucking hour. There's as many patrons as you've got. It's the babysitter. Pay 50.

That should be at least 25. I pay 25 quid to my babysitter. I pay my dog sitter more than you pay your babysitter. Shut up. Yeah, I do. Well, how much do you pay my dog sitter more than you pay your babysitter. Shut up. Yeah. I do. Well, how much do you pay your dog sitter?

More than that. Well, how much more? 45 quid an hour? Is Will fucking dog sitting for you? Depends. It's on a day rate. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look after it. Let's get some content. Can we get a clip of the dog? I pay my dog sitter more than you pay your... And, you know, I'm just... my I pay my dog sitter more than you pay and you know I'm just do I love my dog more

I want to know how much more more why are you being shady about it she gets £80 an hour she gets £20 an hour right

and you're you think I'm going to feel bad you're paying your dog sitter £20 an hour. Yeah, she's not doing, like, fucking fortnightly visits. She was, like, a couple of hours in there. £20 an hour?

Steve does it for free. I do it for free. Wallace is sick. I don't think he's doing it again. It sounded fucking horrible the first time. Oh, he's a shit house behave. £20 an hour? Mate, that's a lot.

Yeah, because it's my baby. For just having a... And by the way, I was joking about Wallace. He's fucking gorgeous. Yeah, because it's my baby. For just having a... And by the way, I was joking about Wallace. He's fucking gorgeous. Yeah, but you... Just having him pad around. Have you ever heard of this?

You pay fucking cheap, you pay twice. Exactly. I'll come round, there'll be six dogs sitting around. Yeah, because if both my kids are dead, you're like, God, we're going to have to pay

another babysitter. That's your fault, Dan. You don't want someone coming around and shagging you dog or fucking leaving it in the garden. She's murdered both the children, but what do you expect at £10 an hour?

Cost of living crisis. She's looking after me children, but what do you expect at £10 an hour? Cost of living crisis. She's looking after me house as well. I'm trusting her. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah? Because when Jasmine looks after our kids, we only let her in the garden office.

No, but if I bring her around and give her like six quid an hour, she's like, fuck you. I'm not going to look after the house. I'll leave the fridge open. When you're paying someone well. You're overpaying, mate. No, when you're paying someone.

No, he's not. When he's signed for good service. Yeah, you're paying someone well, you're overpaying, mate. No, he's not. When he's signed for good service. Yeah, you're paying someone well, you get the extras. What's the service? What's the service? Don't kill my dog. Keeping the dog alive? Don't kill my dog.

Don't burn the house down. Yeah, she'll walk in. Well, that's going to cost a bit extra. I just think when you pay someone well, then they want to do it then. It's not like, oh, so they do all, they look after you if you look after them. Jasmine,

appreciate all your hard work. Thanks for not burning the house down or killing the kids. If Jack had your footy boots on, you're not paying enough for it to take them off if you run around

with them on. Do you know what I mean? Oh my God, great example. Jasmine, you're on £25 an hour because Jack is always wearing my footy boots

or is it a conspiracy? But if Jack climbed up into the top bit of the fridge, she's like, I'm going to get paid to come by, then I can stay there. Yeah. Yeah. Jasmine, just imagine coming back. Everyone asleep.

Etta is. Jack's not. No. Where is Jack? Well, you'd think he'd just be in the living room on his iPad. But I'll tell you what he's not. He's on the fucking munch punch. No, literally.

Why is he in the top bit of the fridge, Jasmine? Well, £10 an hour, you get what you get. Can you imagine how excited I was? What am I meant to do?

Get cold hands for £10 an hour? No, thanks. Can you imagine how excited you'd have been as a kid to sit in the fridge, though? Oh, yeah, man. Hey, can I sit in the fridge?

Yeah. Fucking best day of your life. You're closing it. Oh, my God, shut up. I'm in the fridge. Yeah, there you go. I'm just saying, if you pay people well, you get, like, the...

No, you do. You get, like, you trust, because they don't want to fuck it up. You pay people well, you get like the... No, you do. You get like your trust, because they don't want to fuck it up. You pay the dog sitter more than we pay Finn and fucking Steve. If you pay people well. I mean, these two are fine. But my dog sitter is bringing in sponsorship deals.

They're on a good wage. Free holidays. They are. They are on a good wage. I tell you who's on a bear wage. Your fucking dog sitter she isn't fucking subtitling clips for me either

she's not doing like ten hour days is she I love it she does the overnights oh god yeah no surprise because it'd be four grand

to just have the fucking dog for three days no what happened was so she works for an agency oh here we go and I went how much and the price she quoted made me sad. And I was like, I'm not giving you that.

Just give me your bank details and I'll pay you. Oh yeah, you're a good guy. So they don't get a cut and she gets a good pay. Jasmine. She's great. Won't say her name. £10 now. Jasmine sounds fit, by the way.

She's a lovely lady. How old's Jasmine? 48. Experienced. She knows her way around a fridge. She sounded like a dig. Yeah, you fat swat. A bit, you know,

you're on the fridge, don't you? Nah, I'm kidding. Referencing the Jack in the fridge bit. How old is she? 25? 26? 27?

Don't know. She's getting old, though. What? Would you have like a 14? You know, that's like the cliche, isn't it? No. It's a certain age getting old, though. What? Would you have like a 14? You know, that's like the cliche, isn't it? No. It's a certain age you trust, yeah. I think...

I remember being babysat by people like the neighbour's kids on the street. I think 16 is where you need to start. Unless you've got like a... I think it's different with family, isn't it? If you've got like a cousin or a niece or nephew who's a bit older but it's about the kid really because some kids at 14 are fucking idiots oh yeah and some are pretty smart i think

16 is where you start with that maybe would would you be happy if jasmine like was doing substance as well she like if she turned up and she just had like a bag of beak in her hand i was just like go on yous have a nice night. I'm getting on the shite. Would you be okay with that? Yeah, you can come back anytime. I'll be awake. No, I'm getting on the shite. I've got a few mates around.

Once the kids are in bed, we're all gonna have a gang bang. But for now, I'm just getting on the shite on my own. I'm just gonna let you know, as a parent, few red flags there. Why do you care if the kids are getting looked after? If the kids are asleep, why can't you have a cocaine-fueled gang man in the room? No genuine question.

Well we've just got new couches. She cleans it and the kids are going, she's the best babysitter ever, I love her. But she's like, I do get bummed. That's how it is. I'm so glad I used her real name. And she's a patron. Hi Jasmine.

But like, would that be okay? No, I don't think so. No, I don't think so. No. I don't think so. What about just a gangbang? Don't think you ever want to come back from being on a nice date night with your partner and there'll be a smell of jizz in the living room.

You'd never know. She's got loads of... She brings her own Febreze. Zaflora on the floor. Febreze in the air. She's even Steve... Have you fucking shaken vac'd in it? Gangbang! You want some shaken vac'd? You want some fucking... Get Have you fucking shaken vac'd in it? Eh? Gang bang!

Want some shaken vac'd? You want some fucking... Get on the fucking shaken vac'd. Have you cleaned the carpet? On the fucking... I've been potted while babysitting. That's the disgrace. You should give the kids pot and they'll go sleep easier, won't they?

Just an edit. Were you so potted that you imagined you were babysitting? Possibly. Who were you babysitting for? My ex's niece. God, you're so involved with your ex-girlfriend's life, aren't you? Lending granddad's cars. This was while we were together.

Oh, right. Yeah, no, no. Getting a job on a bus last week. I wouldn't be surprised. No. I've thought about starting a babysitting business. Go on. What's it called?

Because, like, I've been nice. Piss it! I'm just so glad not to be talking about health or meat. Go. Like, it's just easy, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? Like, I'm going to be sat down watching the telly anyway. Why don't I just do that in someone else's house?

Get 40 quid an hour and watch their telly. And they might have Sky Cinema. You're not my first. You can house shit. You're not a first round choice as a babysitter. The kid's like, there's a man coming in the window. Two seconds. Two seconds.

I'm actually very alert to danger. Yeah? Yeah. Like, I'm on my phone a lot. But if something's kicking off, I'm fucking alert to danger. Yeah? Yeah. I'm on my phone a lot, but if something's kicking off, I'm fucking ready to go. Get out the fridge. You can house sit though. That's the easiest job in the world. People get paid to just stay, you know, so it doesn't like don't start a fire. Yeah. You get paid to make sure. 25 quid an hour and wait for a car to go on holiday for four weeks. You have a deposit for a fire. Yeah. You get paid to make sure... 25 quid an hour and wait for a car to go on holiday

for four weeks. Have a deposit for a house. I've got someone house-sitting, actually. Oh, fun. I think I could be a good babysitter. Is it used to?

It's not. I'd be strict, yet fun. I've asked them, yes. You'd be strict, yet fun? Yeah. Right. I'd like them to do whatever they wanted,

but on my time. Can you role-play it, Dan? You're a six-year-old boy called Clive. Oh, Clive. Clive? Why? I'd like them to do whatever they wanted but on my time can you role play it dad you're a six year old boy called Clive Clive why Adam Adam

hello I'm hungry how you all doing yeah mummy usually lets me have some fromage frais at this time okay sound what time is it now

I don't know seven seven you can have your fromage frais at quarter past seven why because I said so I'm hungry I know you're hungry Seven. Seven. You can have your fromage frais at quarter past seven. Why? Because I said so.

I'm hungry. I know you're hungry. You'll be even hungrier in 15 minutes. It'll taste even better. I know, but why are you being a tight one? Clive, shut up. Why don't you shut up?

I'm watching Bargain on Ticket Live. At seven o'clock. Why are you watching I'm recording it. This is my house. Guys, I'm fromage frais, you fat swat.

Clive doesn't fuck about, by the way. If you ever talk to me like that again, I'll bash your head in with this, am I? All right. You'll be fucking fromage for... I'll baste you. You'll be fromage for... Shut up.

I'll go to bed. Shut up. If I have to pause this one more time, you're going to sleep in the garden, little cunt. I'm going to say you touch me. I fucking will if you don't shut up. Oh, I'll fist you. And see.

Just in terms of babysitting, a few pointers. Adamsbabysitting.co.uk. I don't think you should ever threaten to fist a client. Six years old. I know, I meant it like the Scouse Nan. My fist, like Scouse Nan's called punching fisting, don't think you should ever threaten to fist a client. Six years old. Oh, no, I meant it like the Scouse Nan. My fist, like Scouse Nan's called punching fisting, don't they? Yeah, I'll burst you with my fist.

I'll fist you, dad. No! This is true. No! No, it's... My nan has threatened to fist me before. Ah, no! Yeah, it was a nothing sandwich.

No, it's getting... I'll fist you! It's getting jazzy in here and I'm not buying it. I'll fist you. It is. They don't know what that means. Oh yeah, when we were growing up round Zacho, all the fucking Fasso, all the fucking nans were out, come here you little bastard, I'll fist the shit out of you.

No, because fisting wasn't a thing back then, they didn't know the funny connotations. No, it was for your nan. If she didn't call it that. That is a thing though. That was a sad noise. I'll burst you and I'll fist you. If she didn't call it that. That is a thing though. I'll burst you and I'll fish you.

I'll fish your head off. I'll fish you, I'll burst you, I'll suck your cock. That means get him feeding it. Clive! Clive! Suck your cock! Suck your cock right off! Oh, lads, my nan's got cocaine. Bargain on, I'll suck your cock! I'll suck your cock right off! Oh, lads, me nan's got cocaine.

Bargain hunts on! Hey, follow me in. Right, let's have a break, because that was so stupid. Fist and one's true, aren't they? Is it? Fuck you silly sausages! No, because they don't know what that is, they're all like, it's not old. If you say to your grandad, grandad, I want a fish stew, what do you think he thinks you're going to do? He'd go, come on.

But he was a closeted homosexual. No, but he thinks you're going to fight him. He doesn't think you're going to shove your fist up his ass. Never talk about my grandad. That got pretty bad. Just nipped out to the shops in the break and a guy came up and he went,

give me your money or I'll fist the fuck out of you. How old was he don't know but he was wearing sequins was he 60 plus what was he 60 plus yeah he was a 60 plus guy

wearing sequins there you go then to him it's all innocent to the youth of today fisting some bugging yeah but it's innocent it's all innocent

he gyro you're my gyro shall we do underrated overrated yeah we need a jingle overrated underrated you don't know what you're talking about this is who you come to guys fucking singing is it

overrated or underrated take it take it all I'm saying is I think we go sort of breaks techno EDM with that

just need three or four seconds cool you know nothing about music sorry let's do country. Is it overrated or underrated to hit your wife with a shovel? I hit my wife with a shovel. That's what she gets for starting shit

when I'm gardening. Can't wait. Can't wait for Nashville. That's what... That's staff or something. I hope he opens with that. Or umbrella. From before, which you didn that. Or Umbrella. From before,

which you didn't even hear. Umbrella. Umbrella. Umbrella. Umbrella. Hey! Under my umbrella. Can you give us the overrated

and underrated, please, Dan? The fact that you've got no respect for country music is actually classist, so... What class? You all have private jets? I've heard the Bo Burnham song. Yeah, so? Is it an arena artist? Yeah. What's classist I've heard the Bo Bannum song. Yeah, so?

He's an arena artist. Yeah. What class has to bot that? You're talking about one musician. Yeah. He hates the whole genre. I don't think he does. I've always hated southerners.

Jennifer Laidlaw says, underrated, overrated, air fryers. We're going air fryers. Underrated. Yeah, they're heavy. I think they get a lot of love nowadays but you've got to be on your

on your game somebody must land on the air fryer game though I bought one about six months ago and I opened it last week and it's changed me cooking game has it yeah now you do your fucking

cocoa pops in there that's completely changed me I used to just put milk on them now I air fry them a little bit dry do you know what I got last night banana Weetabix Do your fucking cocoa pops in there. That's completely changing. I used to just put milk on them. Now I air fry them. Ooh. A little bit dry. Do you know what I got last night?

Banana Weetabix. Never been a Weetabix guy, but they tickled me. I want to try them later. I'll see what it is. That sounds vile. Why? Like banana flavoured Weetabix.

What do you mean? What? Do you mean... They're shaped. Are they? What? Do you mean chopping bananas up and putting it in Weetabix No, I've got Weetabix

and they are banana it could work banana and breakfast isn't unheard of is it yeah but banana flavoured stuff isn't banana

we've already done this yeah it's me I don't mind Jennifer I think air fryers are getting the love they deserve yeah they're rated now

I'm a massive fan I haven't got one but Seneca wants me to get one so I will buy one but I know they're heavy there's a tea fire one that's really good I haven't I've but Terec wants me to get one so I will buy one but I know they're heavy there's a T-fal one have you not got one yet

no I haven't I've got a T-fal one really good it's an absolute fucking doozy it does everything you can air fry you can grill

you can defrost it does everything for you if you're still eating oven chips get an air fryer whack some fucking McCain's fries in an air fryer

and they are really close to restaurant standard french fries restaurant standard french fries restaurant standard french fries no I know but you mean

like they've been deep fried I just don't think ovens are giving you that quality don't use mccain's just get some potatoes and cut them up

chips are overrated yeah yeah yeah I'll chop potatoes up um Dean says why do you look at me like I'm a cunt you got a bag

of fucking you put it done done not as good well better no they're not well no

if you want french fries that's well better no it isn't I want your big fucking ADHD chips that's like one potato split into four then one full potato

and then one done like meticulously so you've got some thin and some just like I'm a fucking potato no and I feel very strong I'm going to fuck up my teeth no and I feel very strong

I fist the fuck out of you you're going to get a good fisting Dean says Bovril you have nachos for your Christmas innit Bovril is for fucking

goths I've never drank it and I won't no one's rating it he rates it what? oh no you don't you said you love

oh no who was it who said you love Bovril yeah you I'm always talking about Bovril. It's Bovril like a beef tea. It's literally like gravy, innit? It's what my dad's mate used to...

I used Oxo Cube. It's a football thing, innit? A pie and a Bovril. Non-league. I have a Bovril and a pie, yeah. Nah. Have you ever tried that? What?

When you leave the shop, just nibble on Oxo Cube. What did he say? Because he's too proud of himself. He's dead proud of himself. Have you ever nibbled an Oxo Cube? He eats the whole thing. Have you ever S an Oxo Cube? Eh?

Have you ever S an Oxo Cube? Dan's never used an Oxo Cube. I've never touched one. It's like a big lump of... I won't even look at the beefy salt. What's that for? Everything. Meat and all.

Is that what you put in... Is that what you put in meat Is that what you put in meat? Isn't it what you make gravy with? What? No! You tell me what you think oxhole cubes are for. It's not stuffing, is it? No, it's not stuffing. You're right.

Oh, my God. Are they like croutons? You just put them in soup? Yeah. You put an oxhole cube in your soup. Sounds right. It's beef stock. All right, so you put them on noodles?

No. No. You would use them to make a gravy from scratch. Oh, that's why. A sauce. You would put them in a bolognese. A bolognese. Makes it all fucking wet.

Bolognese gravy? No, you have beef stock in a bolognese. Do you? Yeah. I wonder why I always ate Spag bol. Bovril is exactly rated how it should be. Which is shit. Everyone hates it.

It's like when you're thirsty, I'll have a big cup of gravy. Would be sad, no. Oval tea as well. Throw that in there. I could drink gravy. Bovril, great. Oval tea like Horlicks. Fundalated.

Oval tea is for old people who want to go to bed. What's an Oval tea? Horlicks. Horlicks once in a while is alright. What is it? Like a. Over tea is for old people who want to go to bed. What's an Horlicks? Horlicks. Horlicks once in a while is alright. What is it, like a cup of tea with no caffeine? It's like a... I don't know. It's like a malty drink. It's like if you made porridge in a drink.

Yeah. My mum used to have Horlicks to try and help her sleep, but she also had four sleeping tablets a night and a bottle of vodka. That's how it could work. I can't sleep without the Horlicks. That'll put me in jail. Have I ever told you about my mum being addicted to sleeping tablets?

Oh, God. Nope. Yeah, she was. As well as being an alcoholic. But it was the Bovril that killed her. She had it. You don't even want to know how she used fucking... She had a hysterectomy.

Yeah, we know that. That's where they take... Yeah, we know that. Yeah, that's where they close your vagina up, inn no like breaking up the mersey tunnels um it's where the word hysterical comes from as well the big is it hysteria is from uh they used to blame women you're a woman so you're crazy so we'll blame you being a woman so he blamed you that's where his hysteria comes from i mean from my experience you know hysterically laughing as in ah she's crazy she's a woman blame her

she's laughing because she's a pussy I'm having a great time get her womb out so when she had the hysterectomy yeah I knew we'd

I had a very strong sense that when Dean says underrated overrated Bovril we'd start talking about your mum's hysterectomy I just

you know when you get a sense of how this bond's gonna go it's ripped down isn't it yeah erm yeah she got permanent nerve damage in her leg

oh she used to walk with a limp we've done this dad it wasn't long ago I know but it's still sad it is still sad yeah yeah and she was given a Thames machine

yeah which is like a it's sort of like vibrates your leg I think or something yeah erm and if you put them on your stomach you get a six pack you get two erm a Thames machine. Yeah. Which is like a, it's sort of like vibrates your leg, I think, or something. Yeah. And if you put them on your stomach,

you get a six pack. You get two. Yeah. That didn't work. So she was on sleeping tablets. So then she would take her sleeping tablets and she would have

like a full bottle of vodka. Then she would fight the urge to sleep. Right. And then she would essentially start dreaming while she was awake. And she'd just be talking

to me and our Jack about stuff that wasn't happening. One time she woke us up and said it's time for school. start dreaming while she was awake and she'd just be talking to me and I'd just like about stuff that wasn't happening one time she woke us up and said it's time for school it was quarter to twelve at night

it's so bleak it's funny it's a good job you're a comedian isn't it yeah god bless her yeah

aww she did her best did you ever like take advantage like yeah yeah yeah we're going to the wacky warehouse, aren't we? She's like, yeah. Was she fun?

Was she really fun? She sounds fun. That sounds like it. That's too much fun. Lads, you need to get off the roller coaster. There's a fucking gremlin at the back. Mum, I'm just having a nap. But was she fun?

Yeah. Life is all about the party. When your mum's a bit of a piss head you can sort of use like when someone's like six drinks in and they'll say yes

to anything and they're just fun like you know when you're just in the zone of like a few beffies in yeah

that's what my mum was all the time so I'd be like can I have all my mates stay we're gonna camp in the back garden she'd be like

fuck I'm right you can I've had six vodkas woo fucking best of all out the back garden. She'd be like, fuck, I'm right, you can't. I've had six vodkas. Woo! Fucking best of all out the back. Yeah, can we get a takeaway?

You've just had your tea, it doesn't matter, you've had six vodkas, you're right, get a fucking pizza lad. You can get anything when you're mad as a piss head. You just have to wait until, like,

because then, then, you know, a few hours later, it does get to the point where she's like, fucking no, get out my house.

Don't ask questions on the, yeah, that time slot, you could just fucking pitch a pitch. When the Oval Team kicks in, just back out. Fucking old Jack, back away.

It's on the Bovril. I think Bovril is rated by people who don't matter. That was a, that was a screech back. Yeah, fuck Bovril. Steve Pringle says,

underrated, overrated. Pringles. Overrated? Pringle as a surname. Nice. Pringles, I think overrated. Yeah, overrated. No.

Salt and vinegar ones are the best. No, I like them, but I think everyone wanks on about them too much. Yeah, overrated before. They're no better than Walkers. No. Yeah, but I think...

Just because they're in a fun overrated kettles chips and all the ones that are like oh my god it's like aged balsamic vinegar

and essence if you get one hard one you've lost all your fucking teeth the best crisps on the market

are Aldi's own snack right loads of flavour they've got nothing to prove no no are you sure

right I'll try Aldi's snack right crisps are just like they're just like, they're just like, I am who I am. Accept me for who I am. Exactly. That's the best crisps.

The bag's shite because what's inside it's good. It's like when you see a chippy that hasn't been done up for years, you know it's good. All these snack rides are just like, yeah, I'm £1.50 for 42 bags.

Shout out the newsagents around the corner just near phase one. This amazing newsagent just sells corner just near phase one. Some amazing newsagents just sells lays just to be fucking hipster. Slightly better than walkers. You know why?

Because you feel like you're on holiday. Yeah, but all the flavours are shit. It's all like fucking like kebab flavour. Have you ever read them? Yeah, famous. The famous kebab flavour. I'd try that.

It's not like cheese and onion. It's like fucking it's all mad. It does me head in. Onion and cheese. Steve Pringle says underrated overrated whiskey and whiskey culture

overrated overrated overrated I mean whiskey is my bevy I thought it was Guinness I'm talking about it's a spitter

right whiskey with that icing little swell feel it's out of it drinking whiskey is something if you do it when you're poor in where you're scum if you do it when you're rich and where you're scum if you do it when you're rich and

where you are high class yeah randomly though don't really like whiskey but there's something that looks really

cool about those distillery tours I'd actually like to go and have a we should do a Highland special shouldn't we I'm in

Lagavulin I'd love to go and get involved Lagavulin 16 years my favourite there's not a lot. Lagavulin, 16 years, my favourite whiskey. There's not a lot of stuff where I see that people are really into it that I wouldn't just for life experience like to go and...

I don't think I've ever tried a very good whiskey. So I'm saying I'm not asked about whiskey, but I've tried some shit with Coke usually. Yeah, if you're mixing it with Coke, it's not... You're fucking it up, yeah. So I think it is a bit overrated

but it's only because I don't it's ignorance talking I think it's overrated by some pretentious people but it is I mean it's the best spirit I think

if it's made properly like a good whiskey which is one ice cube and some people are like oh you shouldn't even have the ice cube because that dilutes it I want to dilute it I did have a whiskey

didn't I Will? I tried some of your whiskey in uh on in bows in dublin and it was nice that made whiskey look cool having a whole bar lit up from the bottom with nothing you know and like when you go to a pub over here there's like aftershock and all all the fucking cheap yeah when it's raspberry vodka oh my god it was so golden it looked like the bit in Pulp Fiction where Vincent Vega opens up the briefcase and it's just golden. We went to a cigar shop in London

the day of the Comedy Awards so I could buy us all some commiserated cigars. You're going to see that as a social clip? He showed us, they've got a bar at the back and it's like the most ridiculous whiskey bar you've ever seen. And then there's loads of chairs and he's like, yeah, you can come in here seen and then there's loads of chairs and he's like

yeah you can come in here up until 11 o'clock and just have a cigar in the room now what's the rules what's the rules there what's the how does that get

how do they get round the no smoking rules because you get a smoking licence you can get a cigar smoking licence in England it's just a general public house

or bar can't have it you have to be a specialised place okay members only that's why apparently so it's just a general public house or bar can't have it. You have to be a specialised place. Okay. Members only, that's why, apparently. So it's members only. Right. So basically, the people who make the rules are part of members only clubs.

So they're like, I think it should be a little bit different for our establishment. The puffing rooms in Liverpool. The what? The puffing rooms. No, you're making up. Is that near Fisting Alley? That's how you get in, your fist,

your fist and bouncer. There's a cigar smoking bar in Liverpool called the puffing rooms. Get in anywhere if your fist and bouncer are hard enough. Never been in the puffing rooms, no.

What? Never been in the puffing rooms. The puffing rooms. A few puffs. You go in and have a couple of puffs with your mates and then get off. I don't think this...

Puff, puff, pass. Puff, puff, pass. Puff, puff, pass. Fist. Fist, puff, pass. No. What the fuck do you mean? It's on the back of all those. Come on, guys.

He isn't lying. Come on. All those things with all the rich businessmen. The thing is, the last time I really pushed back on this, I was like, Carl, is there any nice glasses shops in town?

Oh yeah, there's Johnny Goggles down on the right. Fuck off, Carl. No one gets it up on Google. And then two minutes later, I'm in Johnny Goggles. Did you get some? No. It is nice.

It's a nice gaff though. The Puffin Rooms. No. He smiled. No. It's a humour though, isn't it? It's all like cigars to buy in that new fucking... You can buy cigars.

I swear they got me cigars for the arena show. Because they've got a cigar shop below the puffing rooms it's the best place to puff it's the cigar place and then above it is the puffing rooms cool and you can go with all your mates

right yeah I've got some friends I think cool and that I hope is factual er

Josh says overrated underrated nipple play either during sex or whilst having a wank and I tell you what Josh I don't know how you masturbate

but I'd love to watch I do like my nipples getting licked while my cock's inside a pussy right, all good all good and that's separate from the puffing rooms hang on how small is this woman's torso

hang on hang on hang on hang on josh is playing with his nipples while he's wanking let's not bury the

lead he's doing nipple play no he said he likes getting his sucked yeah where's the woman's

head what do you mean oh she's sucking what positions she's a hunchback oh here we go Fucking hell I'm glad I visited Notre Dame

When you're in missionary And like their head is like Caressed into your chest How long is it? What body length is this woman? Is she a second sex? No she's a small girl I don't get it

Yeah That's how Adam... Have you never seen Adam on a night out? The woman's head should never be there. Where should it then be? In front of yours? Yeah, so she's slightly lower, so it's a short walk to your nipples, isn't it?

That's why women are traditionally slightly shorter than men, because of nipple play during intercourse. I'd love to see how that works. Haven't you got really hairy nipples? Yeah, yeah. She brings a comb.

Blue. Haven't you got really hairy nipples? Yeah, yeah. She brings a comb. Blue. For the audio listeners, Adam's got hairy nipples. Yeah, for the audio listeners,

Adam's nipples out. Check out YouTube. Yeah, no, I'm just saying. Haven't you got hairy nipples? Yeah. Hang on! Josh is playing with his nipples while masturbating! No, that's normal.

No, it's not! What's that bit of this? No! It's a youngeripples while masturbating. No, that's normal. No, it's not! But it is. Yeah, it is. It's a younger man thing, Dan. No! You've done that before. I have. I swear.

I swear on my £10 an hour looked after children's lives. In the summer with some ice. That I... Get fuck off. You have never, while wanking, got ice out and rubbed them on your own nipples. Get a Lengs can spray and feel it rock solid, flick it off.

Get a lighter. Oh, God. Bernie. Who's that? The politician. No. Look me in the fucking eye and say, have you ever

done nipple play? I don't want to regret the question. He's looking at me too much. Nipple play. Have you ever fingered your own arsehole while you're wanking? Yeah. Right, so what's the difference?

Well, I'm very suggestible and you talked about poke-a-bum wanks the week before. Right, well now I'm talking about rub your nipple wanks. No, but you haven't really done them. Yes, I have. No, you haven't.

I've done it once. When? Hung over. Hungover. Hungover. And I was having a luby one so my hands were all lubed up so it was... Rub your nipple luby ones.

He's a good Dutch player. I was like, oh, hang on. Oh, no, we're good. Oh, yeah, because that's what you do with a lubed up hand, don't you?

Where will I put all this extra lube? Oh, that's right. You just keep it on your dick. Have you heard him, Dan? The Dutch footballer. Rub your nipple luby wangs. Who?

Rub your nipple luby wanks who rub your nipple luby wanks he's a great player Feyenoord yeah yeah yeah no fisting

is a and you've never done nipple play while wanking they're both I'll fist you is something my nan has said to me

she was dirty the puffing rooms is a genuine place you can go and smoke whenever you want in Liverpool and I have okay I haven't rubbed

my nipples but the first yes Finn were you making a funny lie lie no I reckon Finn's actually done it Finn's got big fingers

he could use the same hand he's got big nipples though I do sometimes caress me balls while I'm doing it though Finn can scratch his chimneys I sometimes

I sometimes do a ball stroke, yeah. Like, you know the hairs at the bottom of your bollocks? Do you ever tickle your own hairs at the bottom of your bollocks so it feels like someone's licking them? Yeah. Yeah, I always do that to your bollocks. Yes, you do. I do not tickle my own bollocks.

No, just give it a little... Ooh, round the... Take the weight off. I don't take the weight off my balls. They're locked and loaded, the torpedoes and the... Sometimes, like, if I'm trying to turn myself on to have a wank, you know, and you're just like, you want one, but you don't need one. A sexy wank.

Like, just when you're just like, I want one, but I don't need one. It's not like a chore, you're like, I'm going to have, I'm going to treat myself to it. A sexy wank? Oh, yeah, sometimes I do BDSM wanks and just like, I'm... I'll tickle me. You're naughty. I'll tickle my own gooch to get myself in the mood

yeah do you ever slap yourself so you've been oh you're naughty yeah yeah do you ever have sexy wanks then what sexy wanks

what do you mean like what he's saying you get yourself all in the mood it's loud do you ever have one where you just try and make it last as long as possible because you're enjoying yourself come on

you've all everyone's tickled a ball at some point mid wank I don't need to do you mean you don't need to I'm-wank. I don't need to. Do you mean you don't need to? I'm already pleasuring myself.

I don't need to also tickle me bollocks. That's extra pleasure, isn't it? I'll tell you what, there's a level up you're going to enjoy. Okay. Give him a little. That's the six nuggets to go with your Big Mac meal, John. The safety burger. It's already nice for us. It's 20.

It's already nice for you. You just need a little bit of chicken. 20 nuggets? I have never bought Joe if I want 9 nuggets I buy 20 you don't buy

9 nuggets what are you talking about come on you've already got a meal and you buy 20 nuggets on the side yeah oh yeah yeah

the safety burger not anymore though Slimming World not anymore I would have did no one buys 9 nuggets well tickle your balls loads though

you'll love it alright so I'll give it a go keep away from your own nipples Not anymore, but it did. No one buys nine nuggets. Well, tickle your balls loads, though. You'll love it. All right, so I'll give it a go. And keep away from your own nipples. It's freaking me out. Who's doing that? Do you sort yourself out often? Oh!

I love it when he... No, he asked it so soon. Because, like, your missus has, like, got a really high sex drive, hasn't she? Like, she loves it. Hey, no bullshit bell on that one. So do you ever need something like that? I was going for a drink! He's got to tell!

He's got to tell! You know what I mean? As much as every other man does, yeah? Yeah. Not as much as me. Man. Not as much as you, no. Do you mean man, yeah? I thought you were as every other man does, yeah. Yeah. Not as much as me. Man. Not as much as you, no. Do you mean man, yeah.

I thought you were talking about Serica then, sorry. Keep his girlfriend's name out of your fucking mouth. So disrespectful. How much are you wanking, kid? Once a week, twice a week, three times a week? Not every day. Every day? When you're moving with somebody, you stop, don't you?

You slow it down. Yeah, but you're in a separate room now aren't you yeah but yeah but mine isn't a wank like emporium like yours mine's mainly a bedroom it's on the door

yours is a wank emporium why what do you mean you've got fucking lubes on the side like it's a back bar no I've just got a lube back bar

I love the no I well like it's bows in Dublin all lit up 15 year there's an Irish guy what would

Luby are after today are you going on a fucking apricot fucking away what's wrong with his hands he's drying out

he's drying out one of the old lubes I've been here for fucking hours no I just have one lube no but I feel like the old room

was a wank emporium honestly you can come see it on Come Dine With Me if we can manage to film it No, I just have one lube. No, but I feel like the old room was a wankin' podium. Honestly, you can come see it on Come Down With Me. If we can manage to film it when my family are not there, it is a human bedroom with wipes and, like,

just a lube. That's what I mean, sounds like. Oh, no, actually, I have a travel lube. Yeah, it's becoming more like a wankin' podium. Do you want a lube? No, it really is just a bedroom with two small things in it

a good name for a porno would be dine cum with me wouldn't it like dine she's eating the cum we're not doing that special though are we wouldn't dine me cum what it really is just honestly I do a lot of wanking in it but it's just

you'd be it looks pretty standard do you have a luby wank every time I am now yeah I have never had a lot of wanking in it, but it just, you'd be, it looks pretty standard. Are you a lubey wank every time? I am now, yeah. I have never had a lubey wank. I've had it a couple of times, it is worth having a go. I've got, you bought us lube for Christmas, so I'll give it a go. Do you know what's really good? Will you masturbate for me?

Do you know what's really good? Instead of using lube, use baby oil, because afterwards your dick's dead soft as well, feels lovely. Can you squeeze a bottle with a baby on it under your cock? You think baby oil has a picture with a baby on it onto your cock? You think baby oil has a picture of a baby on it? It does. Johnson's baby oil

has a baby on the front of it. Not the one I use. I use an adult baby oil. He's got the one with the dick on it. Baby oil as well. Get that baby oil Why don't you just

Carl, will you use the lube I got you for Christmas and report back? Yeah. It sounds messy. It is messy but it's worth? I'll use it. And report back. Yeah. It sounds messy. It is messy, but it's worth it. Yeah, don't flick it everywhere.

Yeah. Yeah, but get some wet wipes. Like, not constantly. I couldn't do it every day. Not every day. Don't overuse it. He's like... Yeah, you're like a fucking palm full.

It's like the Victoria Falls. Splashy, splashy moment. Splashy, splashy wank thunder. I'll give it a go but for me I can't be asked to clean up like go and wash your hands you've got to get a shower

right put six towels down six where's all the towels gone I don't know how vigorous do you go like ahhh

you said six towels I know but he doesn't know quantity control yeah that's for a normal dick this is for me. And Carl, for the podcast, man, for the podcast, you do so much for the pod.

Can you do this extra? Okay, I'll do it. While you're doing it, give your balls a little bit of a luby tickle. Okay, I'll do it for you. I'll tell you, your balls a little bit of a looby tickle. Okay, I'll do it for you. I'll report back on the looby ball tickle wank. But hey, stop playing with your nipples, Joe. He can do whatever he wants, and you've defo done that as well. Why? Why? When I've been so open?

I literally went, have you had a poke-a-bum wank? I went, yeah. Why would I then go... I have never played with my nipples. I'm an open book. It sounds lubed up. Underrated. What? Whatever you asked.

Nipple play. Yeah, nipple play, honestly. Yeah, go. Although, it's a bit emasculating when she goes. Can we see your nipples, Dan? When she goes right at you. Why? Because we've seen all of ours.

You're not sneaking her phones off. You alright? Pretty standard, aren't they? Alright. You're looking a bit trim there, you know. Thanks. Don't feel it. Didn't say that when I left with Milo.

Just for the audio listeners. I look ripped. Break time. Break time. Break time. Once the nipples are out, there's no coming back. Why is one of the levels higher than everything else? Because Carl can't talk properly.

I mean, a lot of it is hate speech. He's got a big tongue. He's very quiet. What? No, I like to talk at a regular level. I'm not like you fucking shit. You don't talk like this in your life though. You're always banging about it.

You're shouting your head off. Hey, I'm Karl! Look! That's it. I'm sick of hearing that. Hey, I'm Karl! Look! When he's been here an hour and a half,

I know it. Have you hired me up yet? For the people? Yeah. To hear my bangers. Balance this out because we talk loud, don't you? That's why? For the people? Yeah. To hear my bangers. Balance this out because we talk loud, don't you?

That's why it works. I understand it. Alfie Browns here! Hello, everybody. Hello, everyone. It's so nice to be back. I'm just, I'm feeling quite

slumberous, actually. I've just settled down with a nice warming mug of sneak. Oh my God, I'm so... You love a sneak, don't you. Oh my God, is that? Smooth. You love a sneak, don't you? I love it, I love it. Oh, you've gone for breakfast orange.

I've gone for breakfast orange. It just gets the day started in a way that I think, and also, you know, settling down, it's like a kind of a soothing mug of warm cream, isn't it? Yeah, that's what I always think. A nice goose down pillow. That makes you want to go jogging. No, no, no, no, no.

It's a lovely, lovely, soothing. It's like Horlicks for the Gen Z. A soothing mug of snake. Yeah, no, it's lovely to be here. I'm heckling Alfie with his own voice. When you press that button, it's just going to sound like Alfie's talking. That's so great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, to anybody who isn't listening, or isn't watching, rather, it's going to sound... Just for everyone, we've got Alfie in the break, just before we started recording, to do us another couple of clips. Do you want to give Adam the headphones quickly

so he can hear them? Yeah, there you go. Is that where you brought them in from? They're relative to you, Adam, yeah. Okay. These are for you when you start banging on golden ears, aren't they? Ah, you can cook. You never mentioned it. So that's going to be played four times an episode, and then this. And now it's time for Adam's health update.

Ah, I like the headphones. I'm keeping them on. You should wear them. Oh, no. It looks so weird. Dan will be all naked without his headphones. No. Oh, I like the earphones. I'm keeping them on. You should wear them. Oh, no. It looks so weird. Dan will be all naked without his headphones. No. Oh, God.

It's a necessary component of the performance process. I wish you'd wear the earphones. It would make everything better. Why would it make anything better? Because you'd be able to level yourself up naturally rather than all this. I'm quite leveled out anyway. I'm a chill guy.

And now it's time for Adam's health update. Here you go. You can wear them. Sounds well better. Like the world doesn't sound like it does in your earphones.

Yeah. We're doing a podcast. That's true. If I keep them on I'll have a panic attack. Adam Rowe 2020. The world doesn't sound like it sounds in your earphones. That's a. If I keep them on, I'll have a panic attack. Adam Rowe, 2020. The world doesn't sound like it sounds in your ear,

that's a good merch idea. It makes my head feel dead off. I get claustrophobic. I'm more claustrophobic in headphones than I was in the MRI machine. I went for an MRI, by the way. You put an art on, though? What? Arts are quite claustrophobic compared to...

I've only got my at on because I haven't washed my hair. Yeah. That sounds like a song, doesn't it? I've only got my at on because I haven't washed my hair. Oh. Can you tell us about the bellends that were sat behind you at Liverpool last night? Because they sounded very bellendy. We had one bellendi who was from

the Republic of Ireland and then another Bellendi who was from like Rotherham or something like that. And there was the one who was from the Republic of Ireland.

He didn't like Fabinho very much and he loved telling us all that it was all Fabinho's fault. Even if Fabinho was like 20 metres or 30 metres from the ball. 30?

Oh, 30 metres? Well, I wanted him to be 30, even if I think he was 20. It's a more satisfying word to say, isn't it? Yeah, you had a word with him, didn't you? I had to. Lad, do you want to shut up or what? He didn't do anything. Leave him.

He's done nothing. Fabinho's getting arrested outside of Maclides. He's done nothing. Fabinho's getting arrested outside of Machete's. He's done that! I was with him! He was doing me, I didn't. And then the other guy was just the worst person I've ever... Ah, the referee's definitely French. I kept playing that.

Over and over again. The people playing Real Madrid. Ah, this referee's fucking French, isn't he? He's Romanian, sir. And then at one point he went, he's on Barca's payroll. No, come on. We're not making this up.

He's on Barca's payroll. Every single time a Real Madrid player had the ball. Fuck him up. Go through him. Go through him. Fuck him up. Fuck him up. I'm sorry, darling.

We need to start two-footing, Vinicius. We need to start two-footing, Vinicius. Do you know the rules of football at all? Shoot him. Shoot him with a gun. Cheebag him. Shoot him with a... Kneecap him. Stick your penis in his arse.

Get a drill bit out and push it into his ribs so he's drowning in a pool of his own blood and he's sort of spluttering and bleeding to death from the inside. Why can't you see these tactics? Right in front of you. Rather than Sunday League. End his life. It felt like we were watching a match surrounded by Twitter.

Do you know what I mean? Whenever I meet a bloke, whenever I hear a bloke like that, and I always want to, like, goodwill hunting him. Do you know what I mean? It's not your fault. Yeah, yeah. It's not your fault. you know what i mean it's not your fault you're fucking shooting it's not your fault go through it go through it it's gonna be okay why did she leave because she was french fucking french i hate french people dan i would love to see you at the match

do you get aggressive? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's Wofford's best player right now? Saar? Saar? Is it Zlamini? Saar?

What would you say? Or João Pedro's pretty good. He's put the ball wide, 40 yards. Kill him! Commit genocide in his village! Village? Nuke his country you know

I get very northern about it hurt him emotionally undermine his confidence he's on your team though fuck his missus oh yeah but I'm

a pretty unforgiving Watford fan fuck his missus misplaced pass oh fuck his missus I need to go and see Watford they're actually playing well when was the last time you went to a Watford game fuck his missus miss please pass oh fuck his missus someone I need to go and see Watford they're actually playing well

when was the last time you went to a Watford game before Covid call yourself a season ticket holder no I've never had to I tend not to because I've never had a season ticket

I'm a fucking season ticket holder Dan you're in chest did you see that on on TikTok the fellow who fell out with his partner because he said he was a pilot, but he wasn't.

So this man is a restaurant manager like Mahi's or something. They don't say what it is. But in his spare time, he's basically done hours and hours of simulations of being a pilot, knows all the facts, all that. And then when they go to parties,

she goes, oh, this is Alan, whatever his name is. He's a manager of Mach-E's. And he goes, no, I'm not. I'm a pilot. And he thinks she's undermining him by not saying he's a pilot. And he might break up with her. Yeah, that'd probably be a good spot for her.

There's a couple of things, yeah. Right? First of all, where the fuck did that come from? Isn't there a... Yeah, great. You said Sutton... I was at Vicarage Road and then I was watching a TikTok about a pilot. Basically, you undermine me by saying I'm not a pilot when he's not.

Right, but back to Vicarage Road. Like, what? I can't remember what he said, Sutton. A season ticket holder. Yeah. Undermining him by saying he's not a season ticket holder. But he said he was. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. It was a vague lane. Yeah. Very vague. Whoa. He sounds like a knobhead, eh? Yeah.

Yeah, but his wife sounds like she doesn't want to play the game. What game? Like it's a game, innit? It is, Alan. He's a pilot. Oh, you're going to fly. Oh, I actually work in Mackey. You know, he likes it, doesn't he?

He wants to live in pilot world. And she won't let him. Yeah. I always roll with Laura. We go to parties sometimes. She's like, hi, I'm Laura. I'm a bullfighter. And I go, see?

She's always over there. Sick of it. Where are you this weekend? C as in, yes. Or C as in? Oh, nice. C? C?

C? We got there at the same time. Look after your kids. If you were at a dinner party, right? French bitch. With members of the aristocracy. If I was where? Both of yous, right?

If you were at a dinner party with members of the aristocracy. No, yeah. I am a member of the aristocracy. Yeah, I know. So if you were at a dinner party with all three. More likely.

If you had to make a job up that you've got, what job? Like I'm talking a profession, not just like, oh, I work in Topshop or whatever. What job are you confident you could pass off as what you do? Like, is there anything, like, could you pass off being a pilot? With this accent?

Yeah. Minor. I'm still down pits. How would you pass off being a pilot? Yeah, it's got wings and all. Just like, so like, let's say the other guy says he's got the same job. Could you convince him that you are something? A pilot, yeah.

Yeah. Easy, innit? Where'd you go? Oh, I went to Muya last week. Right. What do you think of Gear 5? Oh, don't go in that me. Gear 5?

Yeah, you're going pretty fast then. What do you think about it? Ask me that question. What do you think of Gear 5? Good, you're going pretty fast then. What do you think about it? Ask me that question. What do you think about it? Good, innit? There's no Gear 5. You're not a pilot. You're not a podcaster.

Not on the old ship planes, there isn't. Nobhead. I don't think you'd come with that car. A plane's more automatic. You'd hope so, wouldn't you? I don't think there's a clutch. That. A plane's more automatic. You'd hope so, wouldn't you? I don't think there's a clutch, no. That's what turbulence is.

Just a gear shift. Fucking hell. Are we flashing in here? Is there anything you could pass off, do you reckon? Yeah, joiner. Yeah? Go on then. With a member of the royal family.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was also a joiner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not going to know what the fuck. Oh, right, you're a joiner. Oh, so am I yeah so nobody's

yeah or I could probably say that I don't know I wrote friends I can't back myself that'd be weird if a member of the royal family went

oh that's so interesting I wrote friends that's strange well the queen loved I'm a celebrity so she might watch friends she didn't know did she she did yeah no yeah who knows that who's leaked that charles

to discredit nobody nobody knows what the queen watches she must be a fucking dull bitch or she's dead she's died she's really boring now she must have been yeah I think I could get away with being a whiskey connoisseur right a rugby pundit

I think you've gone what what Mike how many people on a rugby team what how many people

on a rugby team depends how many want to play do you know there's a difference in league and union so which one oh it is it is are you a pund league and union so which one is it oh it is it is yeah you were pundit for union or league either everything me do you oh wow cool sevens what

do you do sevens and sixes uh like timetable huh no rugby sevens oh no no okay no so it's only league and union you do yeah okay. Okay. And the World Cup. Did you ever play? I played darts. Right, but did you ever play rugby? No. Oh, okay. You just talk about it.

Yeah, because I know a lot about it. Who's your favourite team in union? Liverpool Football Club. In the British Union? No, in rugby union. Which rugby club's your clubs your preference oh the St. Alan's

oh St. Alan's who I just tell when he's lying I'm so

sorry I'm just dislocating my shoulder lying the St. Alan's who wallabies

the wallabies the St. Alan's wallabies oh I know I said the St. Alan's wallabies is it the premiership going down St. Delyn's Wallabies. Oh, I know. I said the St. Delyn's Wallabies.

Is that the Wallaby going down St. Delyn's High Street? Who's your favourite player for the Wallabies then? Er, John. Er, John? Like Michael Jordan? He's got the biggest sponsorship in rugby history. 250 quid a week. Got the new Er Gions on there

I don't think you could pass off being a rugby pundit No, but maybe the other one But why have you gone, if you're there with the Royal Family Why have you gone right, you've gone to Potentially upper class there Yeah, because I'm trying to relate to them, trying to get a job Yeah, no, but you're blagging What job do you want on the royal family

rugby commentator we've got some job openings at the moment what job do you think you'd be suitable for sir I could be your

darts player I could be you don't really have any openings for darts players in the palace might be quicker Liz if you tell us

what openings you've got okay well we need a joiner we also need somebody to serve kind of vol-a-vons if you tell us what openings you've got. Ooh, sexy. Okay, well, we need a joiner. I don't know how to do that. We also need somebody to serve kind of vol-au-vons. Do you know how to make a quiche?

I don't know how to make a quiche. I do make some really good sugar pit bacon rings. You can cook. You never mentioned it. This is going to work out really well. Do some nice roasties on the side, bit of buttered cabbage, you know what I mean?

Roasties? What are roasties? Roast potatoes, love. Oh, okay. So you parboil some spuds, right? You want to put them into boiling water. Yes. Wait for them to sort of come to the boil. As soon as they're boiling again,

take them off the water. Then you want to drain them, let them steam in themselves so they go a bit fluffy. Wazz them up a bit and then put them into oil that's already been preheated to 220 degrees Celsius. Have you ever roasted them in ghee?

In what? Ghee! Ghee! I use olive oil, mate. You use olive oil? I prefer ghee. Well, that's your choice, love. No, but if you were baking roasts...

You're after the job. You're teaching her how to do it. It's hard to fuck off. Ghee, it's butter, but it's from a place called India that I used to own. I had to give it back. Do you do a lot of the interviews, Liz? I try to keep myself to myself.

Very hands on with the interview process. Well, I do like to be abreast of all the staff members in the pelis. Queen's English is stupid, isn't it? It doesn't sound... RP. Palace. That's how she spoke. The palace.

Yeah, but it's the palace, isn't it? It's not Crystal Palace. Crystal Palace. She's mad. Crystal Palace. My favourite football team is Crystal Palace. Palace. Ah, the Crystal Palace Wallabies.

That is language though, isn't it? We've just lashed off from that. Yeah. So they say ours was stupid the queen's english is just well spoken non-anglish i was saying to adam and co last night when we because i i had the privilege of meeting some of adam's oldest and dearest friends last night fuck him up and um and like you get these like you know norwegians can speak Swedish, basically. It's just a few words here and there that are different. And they go, oh, it's a different language. They always want to tell you it's a different language.

It's not. It's just a slightly different dialect. You're telling me that those languages aren't more similar than Scouse and English. Because last night I was just staring at the kind of people laughing back and forth. I'm so sorry darling what the fuck are you talking about trying to keep up with them it was just

it was like oh nice shoes boss webs like what there's so many different words it's a different language a bar

a bar it's perfect for that isn't it it's to keep keep you away we don't want you to yeah it's like um it's like how left wingers keep on changing the names for progressive things yeah shibboleths to keep out uh the it's a bible verse to keep out the ephraimites in the bible uh they when they're about to cross the

bridge uh they said i'll say shibboleth uh and if they can say it right uh then they are allowed over the bridge so then people came and they went shibboleths and they can say it right then they are allowed over the bridge so then people came and they went shibboleth and they couldn't say it for he could not frame to pronounce it right and then they slaughtered all the Ephraimites

who couldn't pronounce shibboleth yeah that's why we're doing it it's like a one upmanship isn't it and that's why the pride flag keeps changing because like you can't have yeah yeah but that's a shit pride flag

is it yeah you're a homophobic arsehole for having that pride flag there why because where's the trans triangle of love and where's the bit for Why? Because where's the trans triangle of love? And where's the bit for straight pride?

They stole it from downstairs. It's abysmal that you should have that. It's a real insult to everyone. Yeah. We've talked about it before. Like, Geordies have so many colloquialisms. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. It's like, if you're a kid in London, you change the... There's constant updates to make sure that you know what's going on with the terms they use, the language they use,

the words they use. And as soon as you don't know the most updated version of it, you show yourself as an outsider. But that's like being a progressive means making progress. So nobody can go, right, that's it, sorted.

We're going to do, there has to be more progression. Person of colour forever. That's great. Like for all of these words that's important to say, if we, like anybody who gets anybody

for not using the right language, go, yeah, yeah, sure. If you think it's going to stay like that, you can't be superior to me about the correct use of language now. Obviously, if there's

correct language to be using, we should be using it, but it will change. It's definitely going to change from here. We're not like, oh yeah, upset, because that's what being a progressive is. And in 10, 15 years, Gen Z will be older. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they'll be having kids and buying houses.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the new, whatever the Gen A or the next phase will call them out for their hypocrisy, for their ignorance. It's just a constant weird role in battle of who can moralistically one up the next person it's so fucking tiring just leave them to it though like don't just do what you need to do to be respectful and leave people to do what they want but also like if absolutely if somebody says that like the correct word for whatever is this then that's fine.

Of course, that's great. It's only when people are sort of haughty or sneering at you for getting it wrong that I have a problem with it because that's kind of completely stupid and counterproductive. Also, nobody ever had their mind changed by being told they were a cunt.

It just doesn't make any sense and it doesn't take into account intent does it it's trying to catch you out like on the tiniest of things where you're like if you use someone's pronoun wrong because like you've not said it for you've never said it that way then yeah you haven't it's not it's called a place of ignorance not from a place everybody that i've ever met who has like pronouns that are not he him uh uh whatever uh has been totally cool about it it's like the whole animosity thing is a twitter phenomenon anybody who is like in an in an actual engaged conversation with you anybody that i've ever met who uh has like they then pronouns for example has been like oh oh yeah well you know

people are going to get that, people are not going to get that right first time They're appreciative of the effort Thanks for trying I've been thinking about reading the Bible Yeah? Yeah It felt like a screech Talking about pronouns

I think I've already mentioned the Bible before and I have been thinking about reading it because you're the last man already finish the book that you're reading first before you start the Bible

what's the book that you've got at home that you've ordered off the internet I don't even remember the title of it are you going Old Testament all the way through

I want to read start to finish because the Old Testament did come first didn't it I mean yeah which one's like the one we know the New Testament the New Testament that's where God's like hey I mean yeah which one's like the one we know the New Testament

the New Testament that's where God's like hey I'm dead Sam you're all alright but you know don't fucking kill anyone or rob anyone's bike and then you can come in

and what's the Old Testament hey sit down the Old Testament is don't look back on the village of gays oh you did

oh what you said pillar of salt and also they're really bothered about genealogy. Like, Abraham who begot. Like, it's so painful. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

God says, Abraham, you've got to kill your kid, mate. Isaac? I love Isaac. Kill him. But there's just

so many begots. It's just the Bible. Yeah. The Old Testament. We'd never learned that in school, did we? No. That's the point. I want to read the whole thing

to develop a proper opinion of God. Because based on what I know at the minute, I think he's a gobshite. Okay. I don't think he's finished the Bible. Is that a Christian God? Are you going to read the Torah as well? And, um...

Hey, what's the difference between the Old Testament and the Torah? I don't know, actually. As I was saying that... Because isn't the Old... Surely the Old Testament is the... No, maybe not. No, the Torah. I don't know, actually. As I was saying that. Because isn't the Old... Surely the Old Testament is the... No, maybe not. No, the Torah's like a different thing.

No, the Old Testament is Judaism. Torah, Laura, Laura. I'm just going to read the Old Testament and the New Testament. The OG. They're like... I've watched all of Friends loads. I haven't watched a single episode of Joey. Do you know what I mean?

I'm just doing the main one. I gave it me time. No, I didn't. I heard it was shit. I didn't bother. I'm going to read the Quran. The meaning of Torah is often restricted to signify the first five books

of the Hebrew Bible, brackets Old Testament, close brackets. Also called the Law or the Pentaleuch in Christianity. These are the books traditionally ascribed to Moses, the recipient of the original revelation from God

on Mount Sinai he was a bullshitter wasn't he Moses he's awful as shit he's absolutely revolutionary wasn't he no

oh gee Che Guevara it's Samson that's why I've got his poster as well wow she's the one with the haircut

yeah yeah yeah he's the one with the missus who cut his hair and he went oh my god what are you doing I'm not going to be able to push down the prison now.

And then God grants him one last bit of strength so he collapses the whole building on him and his wife. That's a cracking read, that one. If he grants them a wish, why didn't he just wish for his hair back? He didn't ask, he didn't say any wish and he chose, oh, just one last moment of strength so I can kill myself and everybody else.

It was like, here you go, have one last bit of strength. Oh, right. It's like, it's that or nothing. It wasn't like he said, can't I have... You should have used it as the strength to carry on.

Who's the... Goliath, he's mad as well, isn't he? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Goliath was some big cunt who beat up some little prick, but the little prick

ended up doing him in Yeah and Jack and the Beanstalk was mad as well I don't know which book that is I think Ezekiel I think it's the same one yeah yeah

But see I don't know half of these stories we only got fucking we only got like a a tenth of the Bible in school Oh yeah some fella got his money

and put it in the ground and what happened there a load of shite And it's easier to get into heaven if you've got fucking two pence than it is if you've got two bill. You can't put a camel through a needle. Yeah.

Who's chatting? Depends how big your needle is and how small your camel is. It's easier to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a camel to pass through an eye of a needle. A rich man to get into there.

The Good Samaritan, that was the other one. There's someone who's needy. He loved that one, didn't he? Well, he only gave his two and a half grand, but he's loaded. If you go past a homeless person and give him a quid

and go mate here's a quid but I am genuinely skint it's my last quid they'll be like yeah alright sound if a rich person goes

here's five grand but I am fucking minted what do you think the homeless person really wants five grand yeah I think so yeah

I'm calling bullshit on the good Samaritans we had a whole lesson based on the black eyed peas what is that new testament yeah yeah yeah really new testament the book according to I'm calling bullshit on the Good Samaritans. We had a whole RE lesson based on the Black Eyed Peas. What? Is that New Testament? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really New Testament. The book according to Will.i.am. The book according to Now68. That's a skip past the sugar, babe. What? Yeah. She asked Fergie what she was going to do with all of that junk.

All of that junk inside of her trunk. And Fergie responded to the apostles, I'm going to make you work, make you work, make you work. I'm already into church. It was where is the love? Our teacher told us that was actually a prayer

that they'd sort of R&B'd up as a tune. I just think Miss Smith hadn't done any prep that day. I don't know where she went hang on a minute I'll do this she's their principal now a principal

the head teacher she is the head teacher yeah she had to ring the What's Happening podcast Gary Highland was that her? yeah she rang Gary Highland

and was like you said something on the podcast and you need to cut it out because there was a rumour going round about one of the teachers shagging a student

can't name which teacher because otherwise we're at a cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut and you need to cut it out. Because there was a rumour going around about one of the teachers shagging a student. Can't name which teacher because otherwise we're going to have to cut it out. Have a think. Oh my God. Yeah. I really do want to read it. I want to read all the religious books

and see what all the fuss is about. Do you know what I mean? Because people are always arguing about it. You want to do the Quran? Yeah. Yeah. Are you going to learn Arabic? No, I'm just going to pay an Arabic man to read it to me.

That's nice. Do you reckon they've got the Quran on audiobook? Read by Stephen Fry. Good evening. Touché, sir. Yeah, going to do that one. The Jewish one. Hindu's got a book.

What's the Jewish one? The Torah? The Bhagavata. The Bhagavata. The Bhag... Bhagashay. gonna do that one the Jewish one Hindu's got a book what's the Jewish one the Torah the bag the bag the bag bag of let's not say that the bag of the bag of

that's the that's the Hindu one oh I thought you said I'm pretty sure and that's got you know Ganesh and

Vishnu the god of mischief shout out Dave you're the one with all the arms Vishnu yeah the many arms of Vishnu yeah you know thenu. Yeah. The many arms of Vishnu. Yeah, you know the Simpsons.

Correct. The many arms of Vishnu. Ganesh. Yeah, that's him. Ganesh is angry. What else is there? What have the Quakers got? Oats.

Yeah, you're going to eat oats. Are the Quakers just Christian? Yeah. Yeah. But they have a little meeting every morning where they go like, just shut up for a bit. It's nice.

So we learned about the Quakers at school. We actually did. This is annoying. They sit round. We all have porridge. Who did you play? What?

Was it Groove Armada? This is actually a Quakers song. You can listen. Are you on Governess? Shut up. Just put me down. The idea is, they sit there unless they are moved by Christ.

It's so weird. It's in Fleabag. Yeah. So they sit there, but are moved by Christ. It's so weird. It's in Fleabag. Yeah. So they sit there, but then eventually, like, one of them can, like, have God, like, overtake their body, and they're like... No, no, I got it mixed up. No.

I went to a Quaker school, and we'd have Quaker meetings every morning. And we had one on... Did you? Yeah. And we went to... My favourite Quaker meeting ever was on uh september the 12th 2001 and it was a spicy little meeting with lots of people moved by god to stand up and go

just love your family and this was a particular american girl who took in a little bit harder than everybody else um just say that you love your family to your family it's really upsetting and then she sat back down and like started crying and um and then there was a punk band who like really liked blink 182 and then uh mrs bollocks can't remember her name uh said oh let's um listen to uh side mouth uh the the band that were playing in the school and hear their hit single or, you know, whatever it was. Move me to pieces! On September the 12th, 2001. And it just...

That's really stuck with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A crying American and a fucking Blink-182. It's a tribute act. Well, very unfair on Sidemouth, that. Hang on, now... You're getting evangelicals who go, I'm praising Jesus!

Yeah, yeah yeah yeah in American churches you go are you moved by the power of Christ and you speak in sounds they're just low level Derren Browns aren't they

low level yeah praise and they're all like falling over they're just Derren Brown they're just hypnotising people mate whenever Etta accidentally presses

on the religious channels most of them are honestly i swear to god if you start bashing random three three number codes into sky it's it's gonna be four goes before an african guy is shouting at you as part of one of their god channels it's unbelievable They look fucking great. I would love that. I want to go to African church. And it would sound like what?

The gospel-y ones. They're lovely, them. I could convince the royal family that I was part of, I was a pastor. Oh, I think you give that vibe. You're dressed like a cool pastor today. Yeah, yeah. You're dressed like a pastor that fucks, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, guys. She was part of the congregation. She was 14. Smooth. That's what I think. It's a great look, I think. The pastor that fucks.

That's a good cartoon. That can be the cartoon spin-off of my life. The pastor that fucks. Oh, let's please make that a late night cartoon. The pastor that fucks. Little late night cartoon. And now it's time for the pastor that fucks. You know, I'll go to one of them.

No, they're all gone. That's sick, isn't it? I would love to go to one of them. If one of them's on, when we're going to Nashville, we'll go to one of them. If like Joel Osteen's rocking up and teaching everyone fucking witchcraft, I'm going to watch.

Yeah. They're so rich, aren't they? They're big. The big southern preachers. up teaching everyone fucking witchcraft i'm going to watch yeah they're so rich aren't they they're big the big southern preachers like hundreds of millions big private jets because they're the best churches in this country also make an absolute fucking killing by flogging i once dated a girl who was trying to she would always invite me around to her house and say i've got something i want to read to you and i would go what is it and she would go something holy oh god she was so hot though you know um is it but it wasn't it wasn't it wasn't it wasn't it wasn't it wasn't her plum

sadly um only me and azalea banks that use that word for that organ. I like it. Plum. Look at us say, fuck my plum. Fuck me plum. She invited me to a Glastonbury, but for Christ. And it's like all the bands are like, it's like all of your favorite hit songs,

but rebranded in like God song. It was, she showed me some clips of it and they're all intense and they're all, it sounds so hot because they're all fucking, like all the naughty kind of adolescent Christ fucking, but it's all regretful and hot. It's like- Sorry?

That's here. Yeah, it happens in like, you know... I'd love to go to that. Like, for all like the problems with religion and Christianity in particular, they do songs well. Did they do bangers like... Gloria!

Gloria! In excelsis Deo! If you went to a fucking Christian festival... Virgin Mary had a baby boy. The Virgin Mary had a baby boy. The Virgin Mary had a baby boy. The Virgin Mary had a baby boy. And they said that his name was Jesus. Honk!

He come from the glory. Oh, yeah. He come from the glorious kingdom. Right. Shine, Jesus, shine. Fuck me, mate. Sing Hosanna's Abangus. He's got the whole wide world. That's not... Zabanga He's got the whole world

That's not It is He's got the whole world Sweet Jesus Christ But better Praying never felt so good So good

So good So good I believe in Christ But better Effort Effort Effort No I believe in Christ but better Ephesus Ephesus no can we go to a Christian

can we go to a Christian rock festival or some kind of like evangelical church we can go to if you don't invite me to the Patreon special that you go and infiltrate two places I want to go with you Christian Rock Festival North Korea those are my two like dream Patreon specials that I get to be a part of you go and infiltrate two places i want to go with you christian rock festival north korea those are my two like dream patriots i get to be a part of can we go to gay conversion therapy

and tell them that we want to go the other way wrong door hey um that'd be so funny i hear I'm like Make me gay We are almost Sort of Prohibitively straight And What we'd really like Is to be a little bit more gay

So if you could help us With that Whatever you're saving out of him Put it in me Cough Oh I've got snot everywhere We wouldn't get out of North Korea You wouldn't get to North Korea?

We wouldn't get out of North Korea We'd get in But we'd be dead in minutes You'd do this in the airport Safety in numbers though We all know Can't take us all Pyongyang the replay

I think I think they can Oh fucking hell there's eight of them I don't even know where you start Is there a prison big enough? Come on then Kim

He's at the airport Are you going to bang me to get in? Come on Kim You big fucking cunt Punch that in My one regret is never going to knock your dad out Come on, Kim. You big fucking cunt. Punch that in. My one regret is never going to knock your dad out.

Come on. One regret. I mean, yeah. Come on, square up, Kim, you fat boy. It's all right. Want a break? Yeah. Steve, could you look into flights? I've got headphones on.

Flights for North Korea. Yeah. Steve could you look into flights flights for North Korea welcome back to part four of this week's episode of the Have A Word podcast

one of the UK's biggest podcasts and one of the biggest in the world I'm your host Adam Rowe this is Dan Nightingale Alfie Brown's there and all the other

conters still here as well Oi where's Sensei Carl Finland cover laws Stephen Wolford and William Hutchby? It's Kuliver, isn't it? It's like Gulliver's

but with a K. Kulliver's. You're just establishing that now after all these years. They normally just say something else. You only really learn someone's name

once they become indispensable and that hasn't happened yet. Okay. So, speaking of names, Oh, Finn. Speaking of names, Oh!

See, you got a dig, but it was actually to help a segue. I respect you. I think you're really good at subtitling now that you've listened. So we've got some nicknames that people have sent in. That was too real. He didn't say indispensable though.

You are indispensable to this podcast. That was insincere. When you have a week off, we notice. Yeah, that chair is empty. Still backhanded. You are great. You are lovely. The content would not be the same without you.

It's us. You're so open to interpretation, isn't it? It would be different. We just want to see other producers. You really put your stamp on things. Yeah. It's us. It's not your method always. You're so open to interpretation, isn't it? It would be different. We just want to see other producers. You really put your stamp on things. Yeah. Like when you've done a video, I know you've done it.

You can tell. Do you know what I mean? I know. Finn made that, didn't he? When you edit the whole episode, I don't need to like even watch it to know you've done it because I get emails about it

from people going Finn edited this one didn't he it's it's good he's done a job on it because it's good yeah we asked people

when there's a 15 second gap of blackness on a Saturday night it's a big gap last time it was you actually people have sent in nicknames okay good

okay so that's your staff appraisal we're glad we did it on pod that's the HR meeting yeah some people wrote some in that look

I appreciate all submissions to this podcast but some of yours I've got no sense of humor whatsoever one of them was like oh he was called fucking Lego

because he got Lego for Christmas when he was five no one's asked I'd have read it what I'd have read it I know you I'd have read it last week. I know you would.

That's why I'm doing it this week. You didn't know sifting. I did. I sifted. The sad thing is about last week, I sifted several out. Right, I've got one, two, three. Have a word on a Gmail

if you want to get called a knobhead. I've got six here. There's six. I like these ones. So if you don't like them, you know, have a think and see whether you think

it's more likely that I'm wrong or you're wrong. First one. First one is from a lad called Josh. There was a kid in his year called Lewis

and he was known as Russell because he shit himself in year seven and for the rest of the day had to wear makeshift underwear from a plastic bag which rustled when he walked.

You'd have that for six years at our school uh next one's from christopher um i mean i can relate to this one uh hi guys there was a girl at our school who had a really wonky eye everyone including the teachers called her eileen i only found out a few years ago she was called Laura. So good. This is not going to be the funniest one, but it's my personal favourite. I don't know whether it's going to translate audibly. Okay.

I have a pal from school called Keith who lost an eye when we were in our teens because he had ocular cancer. Funny. How funny? We've called him Kev ever since because he lost his eye. Oh, that is nice, actually. That's good.

It's a good school. Hey, guys, big fan of the pod. We've got a mate called Spider because we bumped into him shopping with his missus and he was buying four pairs of jeans. Ah, bollocks. I love that one you know there's one from Gareth there's a really creepy fella at our work

who wears hearing aids called Jeff we call him Deathly Dama is this your favourite thing you've ever done on the podcast it's so funny. It's so funny. What's happening, lids? Adam's segue about nicknames in his circumcision story was the perfect for my mate Aidan's nickname.

He once got his foreskin caught in his jeans zip and had to have half of it lobbed off because of the damage. Because of this, he's known as green top because he's semi-skinned it's nice keep them coming yeah keep them coming have a word pod at gmail.com i um i give everybody nicknames and i like all my daughter margo i call mara largo beach resort yeah um which is not like a shortening, is it? But it is. And then she calls me Dar-a-Lago Beach Resort. I like that.

Which is quite nice. My, Jesse, my now ex-partner, do send me a fuck request. Any requests to fuck me at haveawordpod

at gmail.com. You just send in a request to fuck me and I will fuck you and bless you. Send in a company photo. me and i will uh fuck you and uh bless you um the little the little engine that could the little pasta that fucked um and uh yeah she's juicy uh or

clive sometimes she's what my friend henry biscuit nipples, rooster, crimes against roost manatee. I mean it's a lot of fun. Can you explain biscuit nipples? Yeah, he's got quite large and biscuity. They look like they're kind of digestive size. Chocolate digestives or just normal digestives? Well, the size of the same is the same. A hobnob? That's slightly smaller.

These are big nipples I'm sort of exaggerating but is he a big man he is he's broad set you're going to meet him in Nashville

oh that Henry that Henry oh great can we see his nipples we can ask him I'm not sure how readily he gets them out for um

Patreons but I'm sure you know I'm sure there's a fee involved have you got your nicknames for adam or dan um no cool moving on swiftly it's getting circumcised you know getting your hood off yeah i've got too much cock have you he's prepping for the old testament i've just got such a i've got such a good hood not like to brag but i've got a perfect it's not a particularly big cock mine but it is gorgeous you've told us

this before yeah you really like your own willy don't you yeah it's beautiful shepherd's bush just sounded like a euphemism got a good hood shepherd's bush that's what I call it it's yeah very pretty and the hood doesn't because it's that can is that what your cock looks like oh

oh yes what Adam said this is similar to his yeah that's what it looks like so if you want to like if I'm like chubbed up

then that is my cock chubbed up that's what there's a lot of that's what we call it in the hood. Chub a chub. There's a lot of collected foreskin around the hilt. I've got less foreskin than that,

so that's the problem. That's the problem? Yeah, I haven't got enough foreskin. Why have they made a dildo that looks sore? It looks like someone's trapped it. Yeah, he needs to put a bit of coconut oil on the end of that, doesn't he? There you go.

Karl. I don't think I'm gonna have to get circumcised, by the way. I've been moisturising my dick loads and he's getting better. What's he doing? Fucking hell. And there's an actual hole

in the roo hole. Yeah. Like, why? It's a pencil sharpener. Is it? Love, honey. Don't give it to your kids, though. Comedy question.

Comedy question. We've got one of the finest comics in the land and he's holding Adam's Penis My angle's not good Yeah one of the finest comic minds of his generation Carry on

I'd say one of the best working comics in Britain You're Lloyd Jackson Because that would be the thumbnail In fact it's still my name Hello and welcome To this week's episode of the pasta that fucks. It looks so real. It could easily be your dick. I'm going to flash that splashed out of the trailer. So quick. Please just leave it there. Go on.

What's the question? Comedy question. Have you made your decision for Christ? Oh shit, we need a dog collar. For this pic. Matthew Jones says, Hello Lids, comedy question because I haven't heard you do one in a while. Who do you think

is the next UK comedian who will go on to sell out arenas and get super famous? I'm talking club comic, but you see something in them. Also, which comic do you think should be bigger than they are?

For me, it's Danny Mac. He should be a household name for me. I think he's fantastic. All the best, Matthew Jones. The thing with Danny is, Danny is excellent.

He's a superb compere and improviser and his writing is, you know, it's genuinely up there as well. Danny doesn't want to be the type of comic that becomes a household name. Danny wants to be the niche guy. Do you know what I mean? Danny's very similar, I think, to James Acaster in a weird way and james

has sort of got the quirkiness that has sort of carried him through and he's sort of amassed like a sort of fandom of introverts danny doesn't want that fan base either i think danny is very similar to james acaster in terms of his style of joke and his observation he notices the thing that no one else notices as they've noticed yeah it's very precise he's very very good but like it's very hot

James Acaster's done very well to become as well known as he is and I still don't think James Acaster is a household name and he's got four Netflix specials

and one that he's released himself no he's not in that he's not he's one below that he's one below that isn't he he's in that band but I'm also not in that league. He's not. He's one below that. He's one below that, isn't he? He's in that band. But I'm also not sure that the sort of,

I mean, he also doesn't really do stand up, does he, anymore? No. Or he quit. And I think now he's kind of coming back slightly or has made a decision. I'm not sure what his current vibe is with regards to stand up,

but I think it did his head in a little bit. And now he's, you know, concentrating on the off-menu podcast. When you're thinking about who's going to play in an arena, because it's not just who's the best young comic that you know or who's the best,

like who rips rooms or it's like you're looking at a whole package and who could be amenable to the minds of like the masses. So like you've got, theames acaster is still a taste and still and it's and he's an artist as well whereas people who play arenas aren't usually artists they're more on the entertainment bit more modern mainstream which i don't think acaster is exactly yeah um so i mean i don't know i mean one of the best young comics i think is

dan tiernan but i can't imagine him playing an arena no yeah he's a name that keeps coming up like he's a very new comic and he was at the national comedy awards you're like fucking hell he was a drunk yeah he was so funny he's a he's a he's a good drunk. Yeah. Who are the acts that we work with who are, it's, I mean, Danny Mac is a name you could mention, who should be, like, have more than they've got. Yeah. Like, because since we've started, I think Vittorio's making that for himself, isn't he?

Like, Vittorio is either going to be an arena comic or do a school shooting. And a school he doesn't go to at school yeah he's going to walk into a school and shoot it up Vittorio's going to be very big I think it's

because there's so many of us now and in a weird way like the internet has opened up a fan base to sort of any comedian who is willing to put a lot of work ethic in

whereas in the past you know there was gatekeepers in the way there is a sort of direct line now between comedian and audience. But I think the fact that that makes it easier to build a fan base,

I think it makes it harder to build an arena level one. Because there's so much choice. There's so many comedians to choose from. And while the ones who've always done arenas, McIntyre, Flanagan, you know, John Bishop doesn't even do arenas everywhere anymore. He's doing big theatres in some places that he used to do arenas in. Manford, I think only did the Manchester Arena. He's more big theater.

Yeah. Yeah. I think the days of like there being a route to arena comic, like Joe Lysis is probably, I think he's just about to do an arena tour, but think about how many places he is all the time, Joe, online and on telly, and how universally popular he is.

He's loved, isn't he? Also, Stuart Lee could fill an arena. Once. He just, sorry? Well, not on a tour, though. Surely. No, probably not. But he could play the Wembley Arena a couple of times

rather than doing Leicester Square Theatre for a million billion years but also I mean arena comedy is usually

a bit piss unless it's a podcast it seems like there is but we were so conscious of like the arena comedy

is more difficult to get it to translate that's why we made the arena show so much of a show. It wasn't just me and you stood there doing standup. And it certainly wasn't us just sat around doing a podcast. We broke it up with set pieces. We got a quote for a screen and we were like, we're going to need a bigger screen.

And they basically went, all right, cool. No one has a screen that big. It's the biggest screen you've ever had. Yeah. Really? Yeah. But again, that's not stand-up. Stand-up is such a lonely art form.

Doing a podcast, it was a whole show. It was a big event. Stand-up, for me, I mean, have you been to see stand-up in an arena before? I've seen it a couple of times. I think it can work, but I do think, I don't think there's a single show that happens in an arena as a

comic that wouldn't work better in front of 3,000 people in a stunning theatre. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the kind of the correct capacity for stand-up to flourish in is like Apollo size. Yeah. How big is Little

M&S Bank Arena room uh the little room in there is 1350 yeah that's a great great room that's a great big room is that what you did a blind a day yeah i did a tour show there a few years ago before the podcast ever happened dan actually opened it as well um about you guys five years ago um yeah it's great i i remember listening to tom sagora talk on uh an episode of rogue and he was on and he was saying i do the arena tour he goes but when we film the special i get a room that seats 12 to 1500 and do the special in there because that's where i i'm at my best i think 1500 is great. Wednesday the 22nd of November. Liverpool Philharmonic.

My tour show. 1500. Very exciting. Yeah. I wonder how I got it. Thanks, mate. You don't know if you don't back? He literally gave me the email address. Yeah, but they wouldn't have given you if you had got enough. Yeah. Hot Water Comedy Club

at some point in October. Venue to be confirmed. Mine to be announced soon. I would like to announce my tour at some point exclusively first here on this podcast, but whenever you're ready. Do you want to do it now? Hi. I'm the pastor that fucks.

And I'm going on tour a tour of uh holy establishments throughout the uk the red flags galore tour uh tickets at alfiebrowncomedian.com probably by the time that this reaches you at home or on a treadmill or at work wherever you are book tickets to see alfiebrowncomedian.com. And just to be clear, it's not a character thing. It is, it's just my new show, Red Flags Galore. Well done, mate, congrats. Thanks, mate, I appreciate you. I'd throw Finn Taylor as a name that,

like his stuff, Finn versus the internet. We get asked to share a lot of clips. It's always the funniest stuff we're asked to share. I think he, even though he's been on Live at the Apollo, he should be, just he's so exceptional. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a name that I think should be further up. I think the reason Finn struggles

and what he will hopefully find now with the internet and being able to do his own thing, I think there's a lot that goes unsaid about having a parochial town behind you or like a strong identity as who you are like if you look at

like there's often discussions about how comedy is sort of middle class weighted and if you're middle class you get more chances the biggest comics

in the country are working class and have a very strong identity you're looking at Kevin Bridges Glaswegian the whole of Scotland behind them

Jason Manford got Manchester Bishop Scouse Sarah Millican jordy mickey flanagan london east ender like he's not just like west london or northland is cockney and having that strong identity is what takes you from everyone seeing you to being like he's one of us we're going to go and see him finn taylor i think is a perfect example of someone who's had a load of opportunities on telly and it hasn't completely taken off for him yet. He's doing a lot better now, tour sales-wise,

because he's jumping on a lot of podcasts and he's doing his own thing on the internet. But not having that immediate strong identity that people can see themselves in him. Middle-class people don't do that in the same way working-class people do. And I think that is a big thing. And I think that's why the biggest comics in the country end up being the working-class people don't do that in the same way working class people do and i think that is a big thing and i think that's why the biggest comics in the country end up being the working class ones or the ones that came from a working class background just to be more specific no comic

who sell in arenas are still working class obviously but they came from a working class background and that's what i mean yeah i mean this whitehall being the exception that proves the rule I guess yeah but also a lot of people who are like Jack Whitehall and like actually you see it on Frankie Boyle's New World Order his

that fucking whatever it is program stupid piece of shit like him basically a whole kind of career turn

that he's made to sort of say sorry for calling Rebecca Adlington ugly and talking about Jeremy Beadle's wanking claw and now suddenly he's made to sort of say sorry for calling Rebecca Adlington ugly and talking about Jeremy Beadle's wanking claw. And now suddenly he's left wing so we all forget

that he's a cunt. Anyway. Clip it. Clip it. Give me the clip. I'm sorry I said all the mean things before. As a Jeremy Corbyn great that was a cat of nine tails by the way

what am I talking about oh yeah Miles Jupp's always on it because he's managed to market his poshness and like in the same way that you know you say I came from here and actually I used to feel really embarrassed about being sort of theatre posh and then I realised that I could,

I felt much more at home embracing it and calling everybody darling. Including your Scouse mates last night. I'm like, no, thank you, darling. Do you want a fork and bevy? I'm fine, thank you, love. I didn't quite catch that. Thank you, darling.

May I say, I think you're splendid. It's really funny watching him with Nevin and Cooper that's nice because I warned him before we met them I was like you know the way

you see me as like this scouse and our Jack's here I was like well Nevin and Cooper are up here are they more scouse

than your Jack yeah they are aren't they I was like you're just going to have to deal with it and watching them meet a mate of mine and their natural instinct

is to take the piss but they're also trying not to because they're like Cooper went to him so have you been in the game before? and he was like yeah yeah yeah and later on

Nevin asked him is this your first time in Liverpool? but they're not like trying to be constant they're just like trying to make conversations so have you been to see the Cavern Club? No, I'm up here quite frequently, boys.

I think you'll find that. They would probably turn a Tony Gap. Most invigorating, like smelling salts for the soul. Please me out. Would you rather? Yeah. Charlie Cahill says, would you rather? All right, lads, quick would you rather for you.

A million pounds in the bank account or one million followers on Insta Take it easy Charlie C Who sounds like a UK garage DJ Instagram One million followers on Insta Or would you bank a million pounds You could make so much more than that

Off Instagram Yeah but then you'd have to actually make it So you'd have to go Hi And I don't want to do that Oh you'd be to actually make it. So you'd have to go, hi, and I don't want to do that. Oh, you'd be a great influencer. Hi. Hi, do you like,

yeah, I couldn't, I just couldn't, I just don't want to. So I'd rather have a million pounds and then give it to charity. I'd have a million followers. You can, yeah. Especially if they're interactive followers and they're not just like bot accounts, which I assume. I'd have a million followers you can yeah especially if they're

interactive followers and they're not just like bot accounts which I assume well if they're fans of yours a million fans easily definitely

oh yeah if it's a million a million as an extension of what you've got at where you're at now Christ my interaction on

30,000 Instagram followers is unbelievable. If that got to a million, Jesus Christ. Yeah, so I take it. Depends what you want to do. No, but I mean, even for you, because like for me in my head,

it's like I want to do stand up and I'll always want to do stand up. So I want to sell tickets. But even if you're not gigging, you're still, you're still streaming soon. So a big following for me, it's obviously health. A million would be insane.

Yeah. Music's the exact same music as well. If you want to get anywhere in music, you've got my mate is a music manager and said that like the idea of somebody being signed without a huge following on TikTok now is sort of completely berserk. Yeah. Uh, which is one of the most depressing things I've ever heard. I don't know about you. Well, I've just started

a TikTok. Yeah? Finlay K music. For your band. Is it you walking into a room and then the voiceover says, and why aren't you in uniform? And then the light flashes and you go, boom, and you're in a bikini. He gets his massive tits. That would be so good. I'd love to see you in a bikini.

When are you starting your streaming in the next one to two weeks I'm just waiting for the other little bits to come together and what are you going to stream

games yeah what games Hogwarts Legacy I haven't started yet but I really want to start I'm going to play some FIFA to appease them even though I hate it

and I'd rather kill myself than play it because it's shit FIFA why what's shit about I thought you liked FIFA no one likes FIFA. Huh?

Nobody who plays FIFA actually likes it. Like at this point, 30 year old men playing FIFA is like, it's like you've been in an abusive relationship

for 12 years and you just can't leave it. Yeah. Like I know he's going to beat me up, but I love him. But I love that one time I was just about to defend it,

but it's Stockholm Syndrome. Can I, I think I've told you this story before but can I tell my FIFA story so I was I have told this to you before I was in

it was me Henry who you'll meet in Nashville and Vaz by the way I know you shouldn't oversell someone else's story

this is the funniest thing that's ever been said on Have A Weird it hasn't even been said yet go on no pressure I love this Sorry. This is the funniest thing that's ever been said on Have A Wedding. It hasn't even been said yet. Go on. Okay, that's too much. No pressure. That's my thing.

I love this so much. So me and Henry are playing FIFA, AC Milan versus Inter, I think it was. I can't remember really. It doesn't matter. Vaz gets a phone call and he walks across us to go and take it in my bathroom. Because he doesn't want to interrupt the FIFA and we're not going to move, we can't move, the TV's there he goes into the bathroom

and me and Henry turn to each other and go, hey wouldn't it be really funny if while he's in the toilet having his phone call we just get completely naked like down, like naked like fully naked and then hide our clothes and then when he comes back

in we'll pretend like everything's normal and he'll think he's having a nightmare uh great so we get all of our clothes off and we start playing uh like fifa naked and i go this is gonna be Vaz is in the toilet for the next 45 minutes. And we still, we can't get dressed because it would look, so we've got to wait there naked. We start new games of FIFA naked, which makes it so much worse. Anyway, we hear the little click clack of the door unlock and Vaz comes out and uh

me and henry go okay okay act normal act normal act normal so we look okay okay just playing fifa normally really bored yeah yeah yeah vaz comes in doesn't even look at us he's just staring at his phone and he goes my dad's just had a heart attack yeah yeah yeah yeah cool um henry like shivers back into his clothes like in one movement like his affairs husband is coming up the stairs. Like incredible. I sort of went completely the other way and went, if I just stay very still and don't say anything about it, hopefully he'll be too devastated to realize how naked I am.

And I went, I'm really sorry, mate. Is there anything I can do? And he goes yeah could you put some clothes on please that's a bit you know the times

I've hidden from him and he's been that long that I've just had to come out of the hiding place do you know how fucking stupid you feel you just have to sit back down again can you imagine if you had started putting your clothes back on and he came back in at that moment

and you were like what are you putting your clothes back on the other the other time that we were playing i've got like i was playing fifa with vaz and um and and Alex Edelman was there, the stand-up comedian, and they were arguing about the Israel-Palestine conflict and going, you know, where were the un-murdered remnants of the jury supposed to go? And Vaz is going, yeah, but it built settlements on the artery of Palestine. How can you? And I was just, we're not going to solve this tonight.

What the fuck is the point? It's 3 a.m. on a Tuesday. We're drinking like a crate of Red Stripe and you're arguing about the Israel-Palestine conflict. This is not the night that's 3 a.m on a tuesday we're drinking like a crate of red stripe and you're arguing about the israel palestine conflict this is not the night that this gets solved so just fucking stop it we're not going to ring up fucking uh professor has some zumlot from the plo and go oh we've sorted it mate like it's what the fuck is the point anyway the only the only i said the only way that we're going to solve this tonight

is if we play israel versus palestine on fifa and if we do that alex you're at least going to have to acknowledge that palestine exists but here's the end of the joke um we couldn't find the correct teams so we ended up having to play uh-Madrid versus West Hamas, which is quite accurately representative of the firepower available to both sides. The end. Well done. Is that a podcast? Nothing's going to better that story.

That's podcasts. Thank you as always for coming in. Hey, thanks so much for having me. My tour, my tour, for having me my tour my tour my Instagram my tour my Instagram my specials

my run at the Soho Theatre which starts if you're watching this on the day of release of the public episode is tonight if I haven't died in a plane crash

or my my bone cancer hasn't come on too strongly but you know all being well tours Australia

come to watch me in Australia Melbourne, Sydney, Perth Brisbaneistan and yeah well um tours uh australia come to watch me in australia melbourne sydney perth brisbanistan and um yeah just alfiebrowncomedian.com and alfiebrown on comedian on all my social media wonderful uh alfie has got a special live in liverpool that we filmed for him in liverpool if you haven't checked it out yet please go and watch it is uh really fucking brilliant and as you will have seen at the start of the episode my brand new special Juicy

is out now directed by Alfie Brown directed of photography was Will Hutchby who's in the room as always with us I'm very proud of it it's on the Hathaway

YouTube channel go and watch it it's one long story and I think you'll really like it and if you did watch Imperius you'll definitely like it

I think it's better that's my opinion I'm on tour in the autumn dan nightingale.com tickets still available the first places are selling out now it would be really nice to see you on the tour we're also doing a short podcast tour we're going to dublin we're going to newcastle glasgow and birmingham tickets are at haveawordlive.com. There is one more thing I'd like to do. Our Will's going to climb Mount Kilimanjaro and is in a competition with one of his friends

trying to raise money for charity that he's losing. So Will, where can our good people... It's willmightdie.com. It's willmightdie.com. If you've just got a spare quid or two could you just give it to our Will who's climbing a mountain kidney care for all

kidney care for all kidney's done kidney's done and we've got a tune mate on the audio only tune is playing on the tune to some punk band is there it is this we've got a tune. Tune me. Tune me. There's some punk band, is there? It is this week.

It's a band called Trial by Geneva. And this is their tune, Never Forget Me. Next week, we've got a special little treat on the music bit. Shit, is it you? No, it's shit next week. Is it you? It is me. Live.

Trial by Geneva. Trial by Geneva. Trial by Geneva. Live. All right, lids. Appreciate you. Love you. Thanks for having me, everybody. Nice one, Alfred.

Bye. Bye. Blindfold is on your forehead Want it back on your eyes now instead Promise me that you used to feel things Promise me that you'll feel the real sting Promise me that you thought I was pretty And promise that you'll never forget me You're just making some trouble for yourself now You're just making some trouble for yourself now You're just making some trouble for yourself now

You're just making trouble I just make it, get naked Show the TV you know how to take it I just fake it, get shaken Show the TV you know how to take it I just fake it, get shaken, show the TV you know how I just make it, get naked, show the TV you know how to take it I just fake it, get shaken, show the TV you know how He might play me but he plays the songs I'm writing better than you You might remember late September, but I don't think I want you to

You might want me, you might hunt me, think I'm delicate to touch You might love me just to love me, but you hate me just as much My feet were never planted The ground it felt so slanted Blindfold is on your forehead Want it back on your eyes now instead Promise me that you used to feel things Promise me that you'll feel the real thing

Promise me that you thought I was pretty And promise that you'll never forget me Promise that you'll never forget me Now nobody wants to know you Now nobody wants to know you Now nobody gets to know you Cause nobody wants to I just fake it, get naked to the TV and know how to take it I just fake it, get shaken to the TV and know how

I just make it, get naked to the TV and know how to take it I just fake it, get shaken to the TV you know how to take it And just fake it, get shaken Show the TV you know how You might play me, but he plays the songs I'm writing better than you You might remember late September, but I don't think I want you to You might want me, you might hunt me, think I'm delicate to touch You might love me just to love me But you hate me just as much

My feet were never planted The ground it felt so slanted Blindfold is on your forehead Run it back on your eyes now instead Promise me that you used to feel things Promise me that you used to feel things Promise me that you'll feel the real sting Promise me that you thought I was pretty

And promise that you'll never forget me And just make it, get naked Show the TV you know how to take it And just make it, get naked Show the TV you know how And just make it, get naked, show the TV you know how And just make it, get naked, show the TV you know how So take it, and just fake it, get shaken, show the TV you know how you