Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #224 with Mike Rice - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: May 14, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.uk/tourComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, The Roast of Adam & Dan and our Amsterdam special! What are you waiting for?Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsGet tickets for Finn's gig at Jimmy's: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off sitewide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with the promo code: WORD20Calm | https://calm.com/wordGet 40% off a Calm Premium Subscription with unlimited access to Calm’s entire library.BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10If you want to live a more empowered life, therapy can get you there. Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword to get a Huge Discount off your NordVPN Plan + a Bonus Gift! It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-backStitch Fix | https://stitchfix.co.uk/word20% off when you keep all five items!Sneak Energy | https://sneakenergy.comUse code 'WORD10' for BOTH the creator code (in your cart) AND discount code (at checkout) for 10% off your order and 100 elite points!Merch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastMike Ricehttps://twitter.com/mikericecomedyhttps://instagram.com/mikericecomedyADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lads, how are we? Welcome to this week's episode of Have A Word The Podcast. We're here to tell you before we kick off today. We're taking this bad boy on the road. We're doing live versions of Have A Word The Podcast and tickets are available right now at haveawordlive.com. Where are we going lads? We're going to Newcastle, we're going to Dublin and we're going to Glasgow. 8th of June, 6th of July, 15th of July. I stood on your words. But it doesn't matter and on top of the live stuff, please do not forget, we've got the best patron in the game,

one of the biggest on the planet. Dan, tell them all about it. You get an extra episode if you sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod. Every Wednesday, you get a patron exclusive, which is just the lids, no guest, but it's unfiltered have a word bullshit, some of our best podcasting.

On top of the extra episode every week, you get early access to these public episodes and access to our entire back catalogue of the patron exclusives that come out every Wednesday and the patron specials. You get one brand new one of these every month. We've got lock-ins where we got drunk in the studio. We've got the ghost hunts where we went and spent nights in haunted houses. We've got the Nashville special coming next month. It's the best patron in the game. We've got the ghost hunts where we went and spent nights in haunted houses. We've got the Nashville special

coming next month. It's the best patron in the game for a reason. There's loads more than what I've just listed. You get access to every single bit of it from just three quid a month

when you go to patreon.com slash have a word pod. Do it. Sign up. Biggest in the UK, you know. And enjoy the episode.

It's going to be a bell set. Oh, yeah. Wag wag leads. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. With Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped.com. The very best in below the belt men's grooming.

Go, Ed. Get on me. I am flying high on a combination of coffee and my new supplement. Yeah. Have you had any caffeine this morning? Yeah, I've had sneak. Where is it? Have you?

Have you had some? Yeah, I drank it on the way. Okay. So I brought you the magic mind. I thought you might want to try it. Give it a big old shake. So I've already had mine. By the way, this is not an advert.

Oh, I've got to drink it. They're not paying me. But it boosts your energy, helps you relax, keeps you focused, and gives you immunity. To what? AIDS. No, diplomatic. In Merv's trials.

Diplomatic. Merv's trials. You can't get prosecuted in Uganda. You pull it up, the judge goes, he's closed. You have been people trafficking. Have I, Ugandan judge? No.

What a mad name for the judge. You don't learn their names. Not when you've got immunity. Carl's tasted it. It tastes a bit like battery acid, but it's nice. I don't mind. I think I...

Yeah, it's nice battery acid. Like flavoured, fruity battery acid. And you snort it. No, it's like a fruity pussy. What? It is a bit pussy like, excuse me? That's fine.

I mean, it's not, but we all put up with it because it's nice. Fruity? Yeah. Fruity? Talk me through a fruity pussy. No, I've never had one,

but that would be a fruity pussy. Honestly, put this in your mouth and tell me it doesn't taste like a woman has put like a lime in her vagina and then squirted it in your mouth. Oh, a Mexican woman!

Go on, have a little sip. Oh, he's down to it. Fruity pussy! I'm right, aren't I? That bitch not well. Ring an endorsement from you? Listen, it's like someone's gone, we want a healthy supplement,

but what if it also tasted a bit like an old chew it that's melted in the little packet and then a little bit of hairspray. That's what it tastes like to me. It's got like a... It's irony, isn't it? With a little bit of fruit. Right, good.

Thank you for that. Where do you get these? On the internet. How? That could be ricin. It doesn't have nuts in it, does it? On the internet from a hyperlink on Instagram. I love an Instagram shop.

Really? Yeah. Have you seen the advert for Siente, the shorts? No. All right, cool. Well, then just blanket bombing my Instagram. And I just gave up i just bought it cnt i've just dropped their new line of cargo shorts i was like i don't give a

fuck but on the fuck about life you'll be buying cargo 500 times they've i like shorts in the summer cargo shorts they've just they're quite just cargo pants but shorter how many pockets have they got just got one on each side i've not worn them here cargo shorts after like an action like army pocket for your guns and they've got no they've got one on each side. I've not worn them here. Cargo shorts have to have an extra army pocket for your guns and that. No, they've got little ones on the side. I mean, Carl,

you can call me a cunt all you want, but you can't. They are cargo shorts. I've seen them. I've worn them. But literally, Siente just went,

yeah, I thought everyone was getting them. And now I've just given up. We will now. And now, guess what? Guess what? Siente are like, you've bought a pair.

You'll want another. Yeah, that doesn't make the adverts go away. Actually responding to them. I know. Why is there not an option for internet adverts where you can go, I've fucking bought this.

It is. Leave me alone. I don't want to see this ad anymore. Yeah. What? On the Grum? Press the little three dots. On the Instagrum?

Yeah. Like, I never get an ad for you from the newspaper that shall not be named. Yeah. I've got them all blocked on every... No, neither do I. I must...

I must... Hello? Mr. Riegler? Answer the phone, Carl. Okay. Oh, God. Hello? Hi, Carl.

It's Joyce from Pure Dental. Hi, you okay? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm just giving you a call just to... There was a little reminder to remind you to start... Brush your teeth? Yeah, yeah. Your colleague called a call just to, there was a little reminder to sort things out

Brush your teeth? Yeah, your colleague called me about how I was Carl, where's me rabbit? Oh, I'll just keep you to it, there you go Lovely, nice one I did want to see If you're not going to make me come, I'll make myself come I sent you the flyer then

Carl, the lube's drying Could you ask for it to be sent across? Yeah, I'll get that sorted later Carl, there's a big line of cocaine here for you. Finger me! I'm sorry. I'm with an inappropriate gentleman. Oh!

Oh, we're the inappropriate gentleman gang. What, what? What, what? We don't say please on funnies. Oh, my God. We're the IGs. Oh my God. We're the IGs. Listen, welcome to the inappropriate. This is the inappropriate gentlemen gang pod

and we are gang gang. It's a good job she's fucking sad. Pretty inappropriate. Oh my God. We put a shoe in the letterbox. It's inappropriate. Gang gang. What are we like?

But we're still gentlemen. We say please on fun queue, innit? We've just renamed the pod. I was muting it perfectly and then I unmuted it and someone went, finger me. You fucking numpty. Thank you so much

for making me get Instagram. Is it alright? You small bottle. I thought it was further away from there you know when someone flinches a certain way and then they're like thanks for making me get instagram i appreciate that you i wouldn't have got an instagram when we started the podcast you were like why have you just got facebook and twitter i was like i can't be arsed with the gram it's just like it's the best one i mean it's just women's the going i've

made for my tea. And, oh God, I've done this with my living room. And then what? And it turns out it's loads of followers. 30,000, thanks very much. And loads of tits. Tattooed tits. Congratulations on 30,000 followers.

Well, but thank you for making me get it. Because I fucking love the grum. Are you into tattooed tits, yeah? Any tattoo is good, innit? Nah. No. Most tattoos. Face tattoo.

Okay, yeah. And there we go. Level one, I'm lost. It's like Luton Town over both nipples. Is there tit tattoos? Go to town, mate. Oh no, the spiders are the one. I'm not.

Oh, I've never seen that. I feel like it was underneath. You've never seen? Yeah, but I feel like it was underneath. Is that on? No, I quite like that. But the actual spider webs around the nipples, with the nipples being the centre point, it looks like a fancy dress.

No, well- Spider woman. Every tit time's Halloween, isn't it? I'm not into it. Yeah, but then when she's breastfeeding it, it'll look like spider webs coming out of her tit. Oh, right. A little baby goth.

No, like the paw prints on the boot, it's so tacky. Yeah, they are, yeah. I've seen them, like paw prints there, like, oh, there's a dog been walking over my tits. What about a RIP dead pig

on your butt cheek? Is that classy? That's classy. Thanks, cool. I'm never going to look at your ass. I'm going to make you look at my ass. Don't ever say things like that. We're the inappropriate

gentleman gang, Cod. We do all sorts. I'll ask first, and then get my ass out. Here's a question. If Carl was on eye level with your ass, things like that. We're the inappropriate gentleman gang, because we do all sorts. I'll ask first and then get my ass out. Here's a question. If Carl was on eye level with your ass, right?

Yeah. So he's on his knees and you're naked facing that wall and Carl's on his knees where I am here. I've dropped me toppy crisp rapper.

Like a gay Blair Witch. Go on. Right. Would he, if your legs were at sort of, you know, 20 to 8,

no, 20 past 8. Right. He's doing a 20 past eight. Right. He's doing a Ronaldo. Yeah. Would Carl be able to see your cock? Let's find out. Come on.

We're looking for a new patron special. Can you see Dan's dick? Will it dangle over your bollocks through your legs? Isn't that a sea shanty? Will it dangle over your bollocks through your legs? Isn't that a sea shanty? Will it dangle over your bollocks through your legs? How warm is it? Oh, is it a summer's day? Where are we?

We're in the studio, then. It's spring. It's really fun. Two in two days. Where are we in the situation? Oh, we're staying with the question I asked oh I thought we were ready to move on it's today

you throw something out there I'll catch and run it's today in here with the aircon not quite working I'd say it's a cool 20 degrees you've done a little helicopter as well I can't do a helicopter I can do the flip flop

you've done that a week ago get. It's a war war. I can't do a helicopter. I can do the flip-flop. Handheld fan. Plop, plop, plop, plop, plop. You've done that to wake him up. Right. Get the blood moving. I've just had a bath. No, I've not. We're in here.

It's today. It's right now. Right now. I've just had a bath. Kex off, face the wall. Carl gets on his knees to look at your arsehole. Can he see your cock? Go.

From, from... The bath. From behind. I don't know if... I mean, if you can't see it from the front, that's a serious problem. That is. I got my dick out yesterday mean, if you can't see it from the front, that's a serious problem. Yeah, it is. I got my dick out yesterday and it was trying to escape up inside me.

I don't know what was happening. It was really bad. I think it's getting smaller. What for? I don't... Were you just going for a piss? I just... No, I got home from the pod

and I was like, I'm going to have a quick shower. I felt a bit, like, warm because I'd worn a hoodie and a jacket in here all day. And I just thought, I'll have a quick shower. My dick was like, no shit.

I had the greatest confidence boost a man can ever get the other day. I had a shower shortly after having sex. You know when your dick's still sort of like, like it's gone flaccid, but it's still like, I'm here, mate. Right? It's fucking, I was washing it and I was like-

That's what your dick says, isn't it? In my dick. Yo, yo, yo, Adam. I'm with you, I'm with you, man. Post sex dick is the best dick oh because it's flaccid

but it's like chunky oh is that is that your favourite type of dick yeah oh yeah yeah yeah it is

once you've had sex with your lady that's the kind of dick I am if you look down like a man's leg do you know what I mean oh yeah yeah yeah chubby you love a chubby dick

yeah yeah yeah yeah cool I'm having a little chub on oh you ohub on oh you oh sorry on you you know Dan you've done that twice in two days

oh um no I think you'd see balls I'm not see I'm not sure you'd see dick sure Dick I've gone beyond your balls no not beyond

it doesn't have to go beyond his balls it needs to go lower than his balls I don't mean I don't think my dick goes lower than my balls but I want to check I don't know I think it lower than my balls, but I want to check. I don't know. I think you might just see R.I.P. Runty cracking balls.

I don't think it does, does it? I think it sits. It'd have to be really floppy for it to go round the balls. Is your penis so much longer than your balls? I think it's a little bit. All right, okay. If I give it a little fluff, especially. Like an elephant? I mean, in the shower the other day. Fucking. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel on my a little bit. All right, okay. If I give it a little fluff, especially. Like an elephant. I mean, in the shower the other day.

Fucking. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw it. I feel on my knees, mate. I'll have to dry this on the fucking line. Or a towel. Towel. All right, Martin, just dry me dick, mate.

How's the wife and kids? Show them this. I feel great right now. Do you? Oh, yeah. Hang on. Nothing. How much was that?

They're like, um, three pounds. Three pounds. Three pounds. Three pounds. Three pounds. Three feel great right now. Do you? Oh, yeah. Hang on. Nothing. How much was that? They're like £3.50 a bottle. Oh, God. Yeah.

Same place as a bottle of Sneak. Well, I don't know. You have it alongside the normal caffeine. It's not competing with Sneak. It's obviously far superior. That's what I'm saying. Sneak. What flavour's that then? This with Sneak. It's obviously far superior. That's what I'm saying. Sneak. What flavour's that then? This is Sneak Hydrate, and this is Electric Mango.

It's got electrolytes, isn't it? Thank you, Finn. It's Electric Mango with electrolytes and electricity. Turn it around so it's got the Sneak point. There we go. I'm doing a corporate gig tonight. First one in a while. Why are you happy about that? Oh, money. no. I'm doing a corporate gig tonight. First one in a while. All right.

Why are you happy about that? Oh, money. Yeah. Yeah. Dan's here in the sneak tub round. Who's it for? Oh, my God. The Comedy Store.

There we go. It's for the Comedy Store. At the Comedy Store. No. Oh. Oh, there is no Comedy Store. I think it's at the Beer Keller in Manchester. Wow.

I'm hosting. Wow. I'm introducing just Gallery in Manchester. Wow. I'm hosting. I'm introducing Justin Morehouse and Paul Chowdhury. Wow. Yeah. Paul Chowdhury's funny. I mean, Justin Morehouse. But I've seen Justin Morehouse 72,000 times because from the moment I started stand-up,

he's just been an ever-present. Paul Chowdhury, I've not seen loads. He's a very funny comic. And then I think I'm going to have to go to the hospital because I've... If you're a patron, you already know, I've got broken ribs and they're getting worse. Dan?

Please? And now it's time for Adam's health update. I had two codeine last night and they didn't touch it. Can I just say though, you with broken ribs, you're in a great mood. You've been in a great mood yesterday for the Patreon exclusive.

You're in a great mood today. It's Magic Mind, broken ribs. I don't let, I don't let life's trials and tribulations slow me down. Okay.

I mean, that's really good. Is that an obstacle? Do I go around it, under it, over it? I fucking boost its head in and go right through it, mate.

Do a corporate. Go to the Aussie. Fucking nailing it. Yeah. Went to therapy yesterday. Another win. What? It's gone again.

So it's 2-0. That's how that works, isn't it? You're fucking shit. I'm doing loads of talking. 2-0. To me. How much? Three.

Should be three. Write this down. Case study. Get a PhD. From me. Pay me. How much? Three. Should be three. Write this down. Case study. Get a PhD from me. Pay me to do me. It's like you were there.

So, how's counsellor doing? We can't name her. Yeah, stop naming her. Oh, she really called?

Yes, and you know she is? Oh my God. Right, make up a name. Okay, Susie. Sandra. Bonner. Sus God. Right, make up a name. Okay. Susie. Sandra.

Bonner. Susie. No, counsellor Sandra. Susie. I like Susie. We've just done Susie Big Tits, haven't we,

for Susie Big Tits for Freddie. Jonathan. How's counsellor Sandra? How's Sandra the counsellor? She's sound. She's making me realise that you know what? I've done quite well.

And, well, you need more confidence. Is that what she's saying? That's you know what I've done quite well and you need more confidence is that what she's saying that's what she said actually don't be so down on yourself basically you need to just she said I'm a very harsh critic of my own behaviour

but I forgive other people too easily so yous are all on fucking is she a patron she's trying to suck you off what are you on about you Is she a patron? Is she trying to suck you off? What are you on about?

You seem pretty pleased with yourself most of the time. Yeah, but you don't want to strike any edges. Yeah, I'm telling the actual stuff I don't tell you. Start a podcast with her then. Big slag. You, not her.

He's already got four new podcasts on the go. Plus, we've got to start the inappropriate gentleman's gang. Which new podcasts on the go plus we've got to start the inappropriate gentleman's gang which is gonna fucking go off mate can't wait for that

so she's basically telling you what you want to hear constantly no there's a couple of things I didn't like what were they

keep going to myself oh no come on give us a little we don't want to hear like you have to counsel again she says you're great everyone else is wrong and you're fucking great a little... We don't want to hear like, do you have to counsel again? She says you're great. Everyone else is wrong

and you're fucking great. I don't, I don't. That's not... We want a bit more juice. She said she can see his dick from behind with his arsehole spread. This isn't usually how I do these sessions. Adam, could you pull your trousers up?

I can see your cockney, your ankles there, sunshine. And I was like, I've just had sex in the shower, love. She was like, okay. Back to talking about you. And I was like, all right then. See you, Bill.

Yeah, you should never have a counsellor say, please pull your pants back up. That's one of them faux pas in it, in terms of, you know, obviously it's quite an intimate process. She meant like pull them down because it was coming off bottom of your pants. Oh, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a joke. Okay. And that was a joke okay and that was a joke here on have a word we need to start the new pod don't we inappropriate gentlemen's

gang would have never put up with that we'd be like get your dick out now bruv please please brother

please and thank you that's the banter did a couple of gigs last night as well Brother, please and thank you. That's the banter. Did a couple of gigs last night as well. Oh, God, God. Tony Carroll and friends at Hot Water. Oh, nice. Popped into the shipping forecast. How's Tony Carroll doing?

I have only seen him twice in the last year doing the Hot Water Green Room pod. How's he doing? I've literally just seen him to chat to him on the pod. How's his, because he's stand-up. to chat to him on the pod. How's his, because he's stand up. Tony Carroll started out at the same time as you.

He's never going to be a proper stand up. He hasn't got it in him to do what it takes. But then he always smashes it when he does it. Yeah, but like last night, so he just went on,

did a new bit for like eight minutes and then brought me on to open. Like did no crowd work. He's just, because it's Tony Carroll and friends, he can do what he wants. And he'll do,

Tony always like he used to every year he'd go like home doing my solo show and he'd sell a ticket he'd sell like 80 tickets and he'd just go on and do

like an hour of stuff most of which he'd done before the year before and the year before that and that was it but now he's started doing Tony Cattle and Friends he's figured out a way

to do a solo show in only actually five minutes the line up was really good I did that and then I went down to the shipping forecast the Mild High Club's gig and because Tony had heavily advertised that he was doing that at Hot Water and Eurovision's on, there was only eight people

at the shipping forecast and I haven't done a gig like that for years you know where there's just no one there and I actually really enjoyed it. Do you think it's harder, the small gigs where there's only eight people? Because I, you're,

so I'm a sort of conversational, observational storyteller. My style can go big in a big room. I can get very performative, but I can tune it down to eight people by making it quite chatty. You have got that as well because you can compare.

I think it's harder for one-liners or almost like, I mean, it's got to be harder those rooms for character acts. Yeah. Because you just look mental, don't you? Yeah. Because you see them at the bar

a minute later out of character. I think for one-liner comedians who've got actual sort of set-up jokes, eight people is a... I don't know, you know. You think? Because, like, a joke is a joke, innit?

Like, I could tell you a joke and you'll laugh now, one-on-one. So just eight times that. But, yeah, but with eight people when you're doing your stand-up, you can...

You know, in a big room, you've got to go... You've got to... You're looking for, like, laughs of recognition, but you can actually, for eight people, start tailoring it to that crowd can't you like you can do crowd work with the whole room because the whole room's eight people yeah and then all of a sudden if you've got the comparing skills you're making it look like you are just tailoring a conversation to these

people it's actually material i think the hardest thing to do with eight people is the stuff that i try and do they confront them get them to disagree with you and then win them over because they become a very easy team like if you just say something that they don't like then eight people can look around and go no no like a jury yeah yeah like in in a big room it only takes one person in a room of 200 to sort of uncomfortably laugh and then that gets contagious and then it spreads and then you've won them round in eight people that's a lot harder to do

having said that the Madeline McCann routine worked in front of eight people last night that's yeah because it's fucking great it's nice having new stuff in it we're going to do this check-in

every month like but I need I need to start doing newer and newer stuff now yeah oh no this is why I've got like a list of stuff that I've got for the oh no, I've got like a list of stuff

that I've got for the show. And then I've got, oh, this is all going well. And there's part of me thinking, well, I'm previewing in Northernden at the end of June, July and August are previews. Doesn't matter that that 25 minutes is working. I almost feel like I need to dump that 25 minutes until the previews,

because I need another 25, 30 minutes. That's so mental. I'll be happy if i go to edinburgh with 35 of i'm bang bang bang ready because then by the end of edinburgh i'll be i'll have 50 and then by the end of the tour i'll have 70 not that i'm not looking forward to the tour i absolutely am but i fucking love those small room previews they're just so fun i'm doing so fun because you go on not a hundred percent sure and i did birkenhead last night i'm doing birkenhead again this year a couple of times i did four times last year uh i'm doing grappenhall i'm doing uh newcastle underline and and i when i got back from the tour shows it was done the tour was done there was changes here and there when i got back from the previews i sat down

in the kitchen and rewrote the show there's something really like rewarding about that process of like well i'm every good gig's a win at the preview stage totally i've got um i've got a run of four shows at the end of this month at the jacaranda i'm doing monday tuesday wednesday thursday they're all sold out but am going to add like 10 to 15 tickets for each show the week of because I just, like the Jack around,

the room is so small. If you get 10 no-shows, it can affect the gig. So I'm going to add 10 so that they'll be coming sort of maybe this week. Alfie Brown's one of the friends.

He's coming up to do it with me. There'll be at least one more, but Alfie's like the way Alfie directed Juicy. Alfie is coming to direct my show again. So that week in Liverpool, I will go from having ideas and bits that work

to a fully coherent idea of where I'm taking the show. I don't know. To have Alfie for four nights. It's fucking unbelievable. You're one of the best comics in the country and you've got another of the best comics in the country directing your show. It's not on.

It's not on. What the fuck? Now I'm thinking about it. Who's fucking directing? I don't know why I'm looking at Finn. Finn. I'll direct you. Nice one.

Right, cool. I think what makes me and Alfie work so well together and what worked really well on Juicy is we're really good friends when we get on and obviously working together makes that being really good friends makes working together easier but his weaknesses are my strengths and his

strengths are my weaknesses I'm a traditional club comic who has struggled in the past to make a proper narrative out of a show and Alfie is someone who has struggled to make a proper narrative out of a show and alfie is someone who has struggled to be a murderer in clubs but has always been able to put the narrative of the show together and then you combine that and like if you look at juicy like that that's the work i'm most proud of

and i don't know there's anyone that you respect much more than alfie as a comedian not in the like you're like obviously we talk about stand-up a lot, and you've got some very talented mates, but I don't think there's anyone you respect more than Alfie in terms of his opinion and his smarts, and especially stand-up-wise. His insight for Juicy was just insane. Jack Finnegan's seen a lot of it.

So Jack, who does all of our photography, and is going to be a big part of the Nashville special, he's going to be on camera a bit for that, isn't he? was just insane jack finnegan seen a lot of it so jack who does all of our photography um and was it's going to be a big part of the nashville especially he's going to be on camera a bit for that isn't he um jack photographed my entire preview run the two weeks before we filmed you see and he was in the car with me a lot of the time when so it'd be me in the front seat alfie in the front seat and jack in the back and alfie would just be like here's the 45 things you did wrong tonight here's the 30 that I told you that you did well and Jack was just like blown away because he'd never seen that level

of deconstruction of stand-up yeah um and when Jack's not into stand-up he's really not into it but uh he's like panic attack not into it but he's fascinated by the process isn't he you can tell he's a very creative so i'm getting tony carroll to direct my uh tour show and i'm gonna be doing five at the top and getting some mates on see on tour if you have to pick a director any comic in the country who who if you could pick a couple where you'd be like i i could work with them and they could make an impact on my good What a good question. Who are you going for? Because I don't think there's anyone for me that fits better than Alfie does, really.

So in all honesty, Alfie would benefit my show, but I don't, the chemistry that you've got wouldn't be the same with me and Alfie. I think he's so good. Like, I'd say the same with, like, Finn Taylor. It's a different style.

Not that it's massively different. That's why it's a hard question, because it's not just who is a comic you like. It's who is a comic you like, whose opinion you trust, who you think would make an impact on your show. Yeah, they've be that they wouldn't just be going down that was all good that i like that you can't have that and you also can't have someone who's going to be like hey you know it'd be really good if you know my third joke if you threw a dead baby line in edgelord and also i've got comedian mates who are fucking really good at what they do like like excellent comics

who I don't think could give me the insight to make my stand-up better like it's not just you've got a the person you're picking to do this you've got a you've got to love their stand-up and also how they see comedy has got to fit your vision in some way you don't have to be the same comic. Yeah, Sean. Sean. Sean. Walsh. Sean Walsh.

He's got your energy on stage as well. He's got a lot of my energy. When I watch Sean Walsh, I can see Lee Evans. I can see the love of Lee Evans in Sean. Do you know what else I can see heavily in Sean? And I said this to him years ago before we were friends and he was like,

he took it as like a big compliment I said do you know what I think when I watch you Sean I think you're like an amalgamation of Lee Evans and Dylan Moran

and he was like yeah yeah he's got that sort of irreverent energy surly dismissive everything shit of Dylan Moran

and very insightful and can pick a line that Lee Evans wouldn't pick but then has got much more energy pick a line that Lee Evans wouldn't pick, but then has got much more energy than Dylan to a Lee Evans level. Do you know with my stuff, when I'm really having fun on stage and telling stories and like I'm not a great tweeter and I also think if you're a one...

Neither am I. Carl's the best tweeter in this business. But if you're looking one a one carl's the best tweet oh yeah but if you're if you're looking at the future of comedy and that way it's going online being a a comedian who tells stories about their life and and and does observations that are personal to them and does slightly longer form stuff like stories that are uh from real life actually going forward i'm glad i'm that comic because jokes can be done especially topical comics must be like what how can i fight the internet when it just instantly goes on now and after it's happened you're done i i i think i'm happiest when i'm doing the act

outs and the and the so yeah sean walsh is great the the brilliant comics that i'm thinking of aren't similar to me that you look at mark nelson he could help me get funnies out of a joke but he does such a fucking different style of comedy whereas sean walsh i think is a great shout because he because he acts out and i think he's exceptional oh sean's one of the best and he's one of the best fucking guys and it's what about and if you're immediately dismissive of this, we can just cut it out. What about Jason Cook? Yeah, Jason, you're absolutely right.

Yeah. I think Jason, because when I first came up, Jason took me under his wing and that's why I sell more tickets in that area than any place outside Liverpool, really. Jason came to- Also, you went and fucking humped South Shield

several times. Totally. But I only got the opportunities there because he gave me- Do you know, I was there about two months after you played it fored South Shield several times. Totally. But I only got the opportunities there because he gave me... Do you know, I was there about two months after you played it for one of the first times. Yeah. And he went,

how much are you gigging with Adam Rowe? And I was like, yeah, I'm gigging a lot with him. I was literally with him for his first few gigs. I was hosting some of his first few gigs. And I was like, he was like, he destroyed this as well as any headliner i've paid 400 quid to so i was for the last few years i was in the middle of that opening night and it was david haddingham it was good i was in the middle and very hungry and it was stayed at the end

so haddingham who i i love but he's been doing a similar set for a while and then i went in the middle and was just like this cocky at this perfect 20 like my first 20 and then it was a night where tom stayed he did really well stayed got an encore because he was the headliner and jason like all class but stay was in that uh part of his process when he was doing newer stuff yeah so i just looked where we are on a strong bill yeah i was like i i just smacked and also had the easiest spot but he was

he was a champion of yours totally while while you weren't getting championed everywhere totally he was so early on how good you were

so Jason used to come I'd always do a preview in the build up to Edinburgh at South Shield and he would come and he would give me a load of notes and for

the first the first year he did it, they were all really useful. After that, when I changed my style a bit, there was a few things where I was like, that doesn't quite fit with me anymore. But I think for your style of stuff, I think Jason would be really, really, really good.

He did it for Chris Ramsey as well. He worked really closely with Chris. And yeah, look at where fucking Chris, not that Jason's like the sole reason Chris Ramsey's where he is, but their friendship was a big part of that. I love Carl, now I'm doing that thing of like, who's your favorite comic,

but that doesn't necessarily match up. So who, here's another- I think Carl Donnelly's a lot more similar to Danny Mac than he is to you. Yeah. I think Carl Donnelly's a lot more similar to Danny Mac than he is to you. Yeah. I think Carl Donnelly, Danny Mac, and for someone who's took it to the nth degree and been really successful, James Acaster.

I think they're three very similar comics. But their status is different. Totally. Danny plays a weirdly sort of like a high status. Yeah. And Carl Donnelly plays a- Everyman. I've seen Carl Donnelly do that, that low status. Yeah. And Carl Donnelly plays a... Every man. I've seen Carl Donnelly

do that, that low status, like, it's so genuine and authentic and it always was with Carl Donnelly. Like,

from his first gigs, I was like, there's no one doing stand-up like this. And I saw him do a corporate at the Nottingham Glee and I was on

my absolute, like, in the middle of me being a fucking it comparing was easy to me we're talking eight nine years ago it was all I was doing it was so easy and I was like oh this come this corporate was at the Nottingham Glee where me and Laura got married a few years after but uh they really loved me the Glee and always were brilliant to me so that I was their pick and then uh off the curb

booked um carl donnelly the headlining actor i won't say was a sort of musical act that would have been on paper you're like oh they'll smash it the corporate was tough and i had to work and i did 10 15 and i got him they were like all right okay it was one of them where you know when a corporate goes all right yeah okay cool fine But yet they're not like amazing. Carl Donnelly went on and I watched them try and go, nah, not for me. For the first five minutes, I was like, oh, this is going to be a long night for Carl. And then it just started building as the whole room just went. He's very patient.

Yeah, the whole room just went, oh, this is pretty good. And by minute 10, 12, they're like, oh, this is really good. And the last five, six, seven minutes, they were all on board. It was such a class performance in a tricky room. Fair enough, it's a comedy club, but it wasn't easy. And he just won them over by being, he's not a massive, he doesn't shout anyone down it's not high status he's not slamming anyone he's just telling these amazing stories seen through the eyes of a

really smart guy who's just i just love his view of life and then the headlining went on i had an easier five ten minutes in the second section because they were like oh cool you brought that guy on and yeah you're good and then the headline act absolutely ate their balls. I mean, ate their balls to the point where I was at the back starting to cringe a little bit. Musical comedy not working

is so cringy. Oh my God. You also feel a bit responsible. You feel like, oh, have I done a bit this wrong? And then I'm like, well, no, Carl did well. And a guy went

what the fuck literally just went what the fuck is this he literally went dude you said these were good fucking hell just wandered off he wasn't even a dick about it

he looked like someone about my age it was like a graphic design company I had a musical comic close a Jonglers on the Road gig that I was hosting

years ago, and someone from the audience come over and put £5 coins in my hand as a bribe for me to go and get them off. What a classy... So he went, lads, come here. And they all dropped on the floor, and I went, what's that?

And he went, it's a fiver, so get them off. Right, listen, if you're ever going to do the heavy palm, never do it with coins here's a quick question just on the same thing if you could have uh this next show what's wrong with me directed in the same way that alfie's doing by a british famous comedian like a one of the the big names who's the comic you'd want that insight from? If you had to pick. Because I'd love to know how Mickey Flanagan works.

No, Mickey's not right for it. Oh, yeah, yeah. What? Jack D? No. Really? I think the most famous person I can think of, and it's weird because it doesn't seem like there'd be anyone who'd fit both of us.

I think Sean. I think Sean's got some really insightful stuff. And he gave me a couple of things in the build-up to Juicy before I started working with Alfie. It's hard for me to answer because I just can't imagine. No, I know.

I've never been able to imagine having any director ever until I worked with Alfie on. I literally never thought. Is it proper self-deprecating, this no right that's why you know yeah do you know who i think would have made a brilliant director of other people stand up because of his comedy now i think sean lock i think sean lock had the fucking smarts that if he he could sit down with any comic and add to a show yeah i think he had that sort of brilliance he's maybe not held up as one of the the the very very best but i think he was technically i think he was in terms of what he could do he maybe never got to the

arena size i also think john richardson should like not everyone talks about john as as as one of the best i've i've never seen a brain like it and i think sean and john have uh got on very well but i think there was such a level of respect there yeah between those two because john richardson's comedy mind is unbelievable. The work ethic is fucking, his IQ for what's funny and good stuff as well. I think the title, What's Wrong With Me, there might be some people who consider that, might think that's going to be a self-deprecating show.

Lad, your ribs. The idea is like, a chunk of it will be, here's what I think about some stuff. And it's not a popular opinion. It's sort of a way for me to do the stand-up I want to do. And then I've got the caveat of, I'm admitting there's something fucking wrong with me for thinking this.

Oh, so why am I thinking this? But then on top of that, there's health anxiety stuff and anxiety stuff and eventually going to be a bit of childhood story as well. That should all tie under that banner and hopefully with alfie's help will be one coherent piece what about um another name in terms of your style recently of the i'm going to give my opinion and i'm going to convince you i'm right what about a stewart lee or is that too far um yeah it's way too far slow it down to fuck no but i'm just because it's not going to be stewart lee does your show but it'd be like the notes would be similar i'm not saying he'd do a bad job i just um there's someone there's someone else could do a better job

he's probably he'd be greater direct than alfie yeah weirdly yeah um and i think that's a good example of it's not necessarily a chain of anyone who could direct him could direct it like it doesn't work like that it's got to be a really good fit for you and it's a very difficult question for me to answer because if you'd have asked me 18 months ago i'd have gone i don't want to work with a fucking director um do you think this is it now forever or can you see yourself not taking there on board? there's no harm in not doing it forever it's made it better

so why not? so my response to my sort of attitude to Juicy when I was putting it together was this is a one off I'm just going to do this show like this and never come back to it again unless I've got another story that fits it

the reaction to it it's had've got another story that fits it the reaction to it like it's had slightly less views than imperious but i've had so many more messages about it and it's got so many more comments and it's got so many more shares it's not been out as long as imperious has it no it's like six weeks later um so i can't ignore my fans going like this is the best thing you've done do Do more of this. I don't want to be sat on a fucking stool just doing one story in every show. But I think there's a way to make a perfect monster

of the style I've been working on for years and then a storytelling element that contextualizes the regular stand-up rather than just one big story. I can do regular stand-up and then use stories to contextualize why I'm like that.'s wrong with me here's what's wrong with me also that's what i'm aiming for like a second pair of eyes in it how can it not you don't have to accept the notes no you it's just another pair of eyes there's a couple of notes alfie gave me where i was like i

don't really like that and he was like well let's just try it and we did and then he was like yeah you're right that didn't work um i just think as well joke writing is just even if you're not talking about the show look at what uh gary delaney and sarah millican have done like just in terms of joke writing having a second pair of eyes on all of the creative prototypes maybe not work for everyone and i'm not saying employee writers but sarah millican and gary delaney together look at the boat what they've done with in terms of stand-up it's about finding someone that is a invested in it and trust you and you trust yeah so if that's you and alfie oh and that's what me and tony have

got so looking forward to getting out there i can't wait to do the jacket on that i'm all excited let's have a break hey let's have a break hi carl you're right i'm flying there lad hey you've got a doctor's appointment booked in for you first finally you know what guys can i say this i know we work together but we're friends as well and i expect a bit more support from you guys you should have encouraged me to get an appointment or something do you know what that's on us that is on us lad who cares just stop being soft

it's a lump what was the tipping point that made you actually book the appointment despite months of nagging from all of us I can't smell

and I've gone deaf in one ear and I keep thinking about gerbils and getting aroused. So I think something might be off.

Sounds like brain cancer. No, it's usually hamsters. So it's just weird. What really happened today? I couldn't get... I woke up last night. My toe was throbbing and I did something I never do.

I googled symptoms. Oh no. Have you been dead since 2006? I'm dead. I googled symptoms. Oh, no. Have you been dead since 2006? I'm dead. I'm legally dead. So make the most of me because I died 17 years ago. What did it say? It said gout.

Get out. It said get out. You're going to have gout, aren't you? Of course you are. That's an old person. Bad diet. Cocaine. Drank too much through his 20s and course you are. That's an old person. Bad diet, cocaine, drank too much

through his 20s and his 30s. Sausage fingers incoming. Sausage fingers. Oh, really bad blood pressure. That makes him look all blotchy like that. It's gout.

Oh my God. It's gout. You rat. You horrible rat. That's like an online, the worst online doctor. Lads, all right, yeah, we'll do an online point.

Look at your fucking face. Jesus Christ, you're fucked. Just threw yourself off a bridge. Here's a comment for you. I don't know if you saw it. What? A lady said her partner uses FemFresh as a body wash and it fucked his skin up and made it crusty

because women's pHs are meant to be different than men's. So if your skin is bad, it's because you're using women's. It's my vagina, Adam. Yeah. No, stop using women's products that are made for different skin. Yeah, Dan. Get yourself a nice baby oil. It's not your psoriasis.

It's fucking... No, but you're not helping it. You're not helping it. So stop using it. Right, cool. I prefer that to what you said. You just said baby oil and it made me ADHD kick off and think of something else.

Could you get me some more Millennium Lube because i am out two wags i'm the only person you can get it from amazon won't sell it to adam it's like you're not a proper supplier dan nightingale knows i am i've got a a story for you and i don't think you're gonna believe me but i swear to god this happened last week so i hadn't um i hadn't jizzed for a couple of days. I'm ready. Right? Now I've got to replace a window. I was gonna say, I thought window as well.

No, I came and I hit the light bulb. No. Come on. Come on. Bro. The light bulb. Did you point it off? I was just having a good time

and it was pointing right off and me come hit the lightbulb how good had to wipe a lightbulb had to wipe Jizz off a lightbulb that's the least that is the less

believable part of this story that he actually cleaned it up no I did because me my mistress was coming around

the next day and I didn't want her to be like is that come on the lightbulb what because she's seen a lot of come on

lightbulbs what woman would walk in the room and go hang on women are on to everything Dan women are on to everything yeah Jizz on light bulbs. What woman would walk in the room and go, hang on. Women are on to everything, Dan. That light bulb's got to be shooting. Women are on to everything.

Yeah. Cheers on light bulbs. Yeah. Yeah, they're smart. Did it trip down back onto you? Oh. It was just, it looked like a rain.

It looked like the light bulb had a snotty nose. That's the best thing I can say to you. Oh, it was a good effort then. It wasn't just like a, a fleck. Did it wobble? Are you doing sea shanties all day? Did it what? Did it dangle a fleck. Did it wobble?

Are you doing sea shanties all day? Did it dangle to and fro? Did it wobble? It was just there, like... Have you got a light fixture on it? Or is it just a hanging... I didn't come on a light socket. I come on a light bulb. No, I mean, yeah, I mean, has the bulb... Lampshade. Has it got a shade on it or anything? Oh, no, no, no.

Who do you think I am? A man who owns a really nice apartment put some lampshades on your fucking nah then you just jizz on them yeah

you can you can wipe a light bulb wipe up you can't if you come on a lampshade it's time to get a new lampshade there you go that's my doctor

wise wise so your foot was throbbing now you're going to get it fixed if you die you're all pissed off

oh it was killing me I actually cut my I thought I had an ingrown toenail I had an ingrown toenail Wise, wise. So your foot was throbbing, now you're going to get it fixed. If you die, you're all pissed off. Oh, it was killing me. I actually cut my, I thought I had an ingrown toenail. I had an ingrown toenail when I was 16. I got it taken off on GCC results day, 1893. And I,

the pain, and I'd rather have gout than an ingrown toenail. No, you wouldn't. Gout can kill you. No, it's not 15-23. I'll be all right. Why not? I can just stop eating

all the shit I'm eating. I'll be fine. Yeah, but then you're left with no food. That sounds like a lovely life, yeah. What? What are you going to eat? You're as fussy as it is.

I could eat loads healthier than I'm eating now. I've just ordered shumai for lunch. Do you know what I mean? I could make some better life choices. What foot are you? Like, if you're playing footy. Oh, shit, yeah.

England. Fuck. Are you left or right, footer? Oh, man. If Luke Shaw goes? Like if you're playing footy? Oh shit, yeah, England. Fuck. Are you left or right footed? Oh man, if Luke Shaw goes down, what are they going to do? Are you left or right footed? Right. Okay, so you can still take a free kick.

Yes, it's fine. No heavy machinery, but you can take free kicks. I'd say if you come curling over the wall, Doctor, you'd fucking lose the will to live. Maybe that'd help. Oh, can we play football soon? I'd love a kick around. I played for the first time in months at the weekend. Got. Maybe that'd help. Oh, can we play football soon? I'd love a kick around.

I played for the first time in months at the weekend. Got an assist from in goal. It was a bad day. It was route one. Runcorn have invited us down to use their pitch and their pitch is wonderful.

The Runcorn Linné? Yeah, it's a mixture of real grass and artificial. So it's like a carpet. Because in real, it's a mixture of rock grass and artificial so it's like a carpet because in real it's a mixture of rock and dry dry mud

glass so we can go there Shane Todd asked me to arrange a have a word versus tea with me charity match yeah we said that

let's do it I'd love that yeah those Northern Irish boys get fucking right into it though don't they yeah but like we'd fucking smoke them

all you have to do is take Shane out of the knees early on and then probably gonna be alright Those Northern Irish boys get fucking right into it though, don't they? Yeah, but we'd fucking smoked them. All you have to do is take Shane out of the knees early on and then you're probably going to be alright. Alright, see you there. Are we doing that in Belfast? That's it, Moncon. When's your doctor's appointment? It's at 12 minutes past nine tomorrow morning. First appointment of the day, that.

No, the first appointment was 6.45 and they can shove that up their arse What? It's an online consultation with Dr. McSwanny So it's a FaceTime with the doctor

basically Doctor's gonna go Hello mate let me see your foot mate Yes fucked mate You need some ointment mate Ointment

Rub it on your foot but what you gonna do about your blotchy face you fucking idiot stop eating the shoe mine and doing the cocaine isn't it what would you do if he goes right I've seen your foot I need to see one more thing

get your cock out the reason I've gone for the online appointment is because I'm at the age where my bum can get fingered real easily by a professional you've never been fingered that's awful at your age where my bum can get fingered real easily by a professional. You've never been fingered? I haven't. That's awful at your age.

Haven't they stopped doing that? I'm unfingered. I thought they had like a thing. Oh, yeah, the rise in prostate cancer in men, what they did was they were like, we're just going to stop checking that way. The numbers will go down. No, no, no, but I think they've got like a scanner now.

No, doctors are not giving up the one opportunity to have fun, are they? Yeah, fair. You're not going to get doctors to sign a waiver going, I'm not fingering men anymore.

Are you joking? Do you not think they might want to give that up? The one bit of joy in the NHS staff's life is I'm a doctor. Yeah, I work fucking

40-hour shifts. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm getting divorced. I don't see my kids anymore because I'm trying to save lives. But you know what?

Once every three weeks, I get to finger a man and it makes it all worth it right and that's what they live for isn't it you know I miss the kids

but look at this fucking old arsehole not a young man's arsehole no interest I want a 40 year old arsehole with an R.I.P. runty tattoo can't even see this guy's dick

can you get fingered please that's making me up I've been anxious now you're too old oh my god Is that going to help my complexion as well? You've got life insurance

for the company today He's really bothered by that I'm fucking annoyed He's really bothered You rat You've got life insurance for the company Are we your trustees?

Yeah Are we? Yeah if I die you get a chunk and then you've got to do the right thing Don't call her that are we yeah if i die you get a chunk and then you got to do the right thing well you can leave that interview by the way i meant that so it's within our interest for you to die yeah it is yeah so you know quite a lot as well i know i've seen the policy

i've got the same policy yeah so it's also good if you die yeah I don't want to why don't we have a suicide pact all three of us and we all get money and then Finn's fucking minted that's your pod nephew

do I get anything yeah yeah we've signed you up yeah did you not tell you no you inherit the whole company yes

shut up Finn you're just you and some Noel Gallagher tribute acting next week going ooh do you like guitars I fucking love guitars you're back to Salford Uni onher tribute act here next week going oh do you like guitars I fucking love guitars you're back to Salford Uni on that

listen to Have A Word Sounds on Patreon oh great plug Finn's got an extra part have you got any questions I do have questions ask them then thanks for that Carl

you're doing some good producing recently well done I'm the best at it thank you well done so this is from I don't need you to say it

isn't that damn nice that looks on Carl that Barcelona kit but if that was like an Everton top you'd just be like what are you doing Yeah

I'm not a one with the Spotify sponsor but it is I like it I like it I proper like it and I don't usually like I like it

I saw Millwall playing against Blackburn at the weekend That was a good game wasn't it Yeah and they're sponsored by Husky Chocolate and they're just weirdly,

I quite like that sponsor. I just don't know why, like, I quite like that Millwall kit. The sponsors aren't as good as they used to be. They don't look as good. Lower league,

you're more likely to get a stink, like Blackburn are sponsored by Totally Wicked. Impromptu top five, what's your top five football shirt sponsors ever? I immediately,

right at the top I'm going 0-2 on the Arsenal kit number two I think yeah we've said what number two is of course

JVC no JVC did look good Pirelli oh Pirelli are we going are we going worldwide yeah

yeah er Carlsberg Club America in Mexico I have liked it it looks better than Post I think

mate is it Club America yeah what are they called they actually got Coca-Cola 7-Up on Fiorentina oh yeah gorgeous yeah

no it's felt as well it's gorgeous really Nintendo on Nintendo look cool on that on that Nintendo look good

on Fiorentina Siemens look good on your man's face wee wee did it did it did it did it did it did it did it did it did it did it did it did it did it did it did it did it did it did it did it did it did it did it did it on Fiora and Seamans Seamans look good on your man's face mama like that mama like that

you can have that one but generally I fuck your mum regularly so he wanted that too much I regularly fuck your mum to completion so think about that

next time you want to make a joke I will think about that yeah okay that was a light touch listen it's either your face or that fucking bulb

make a choice O2 is up there though gorgeous that kit I had the blue on me I thought sharp looked good on the old Man United kits I know that's gonna go

yeah right Baxi Preston North End 1994-95 Blaupunkt Watford 92-93 it95 Blaupunkt Watford 92-93

it's my favourite ever Watford kit the Hummel 92-93 I fucking love that in fact I need to buy the home kit

because I've got the away and it doesn't fit me and it never will but my god candy and crown paints on the field kits look great especially in post

I need to do something with my football tops. They're never getting worn. What's the best logo? Is it a classic? Flamengo. Is it just the classic Adidas one? Is it the one that says Nike?

What one? Oh, sorry. I thought you meant Club Crest. Oh, no, no. I mean like... My favourite retro Club Crest is either the Juventus one. He's talking about this. Yeah, I know.

Or the old PSG one with the Eiffel Tower in. But sponsor. I prefer the Adidas, but with Adidas written under the three staggered stripes. With the old logo or with the three... You mean the classics logo? The one that looks like a triangle. Not originals. Right, okay.

These originals are different to Adidas. Yeah. The triangle-looking one. Solid Nike. I like a Nike with the original. It's different. Yeah. The triangle looking one. Solid Nike. I like a Nike with the Nike. Just a weird Nike. I love the old Adidas classics. That Flamengo top you bought me.

Jesus. Adidas. We've done this before. I know. Yes. This is from Kapo Pow. Oh! What a stupid name. Kapo. Kapo. Kapo. Kapo. Kapo. Kapo. from Kapil Pow. Oh! What a stupid name.

Kapil, Kapil, Kapil. Kapil, Kapil. Kapil, Kapil, Pow. So, Wag Wag Lids, if you could only go to one supermarket for the rest of your life, which would it be? Whichever you pick would be near your house

so distance doesn't come into it, but the prices would stay the same. Asda. Asda? I'm a Tesco man. I think Asda's a Tesco shit, I'll ask that you know. It doesn't. It just doesn't. I think Asda's a Tesco. She had her last dinner. It doesn't.

It just doesn't. I think Asda's maybe the worst, in my opinion. I'm a big Tesco guy. I like the pizza-making bit, though. Asda's so far ahead of the Tesco. What's just happened? For what, Dan?

What's just happened? Everything. I went to Asda and ordered a pizza and forgot. Oh, fuck. That was Friday last week bad complexion no thought of dementia

what a bad day for you keep going collect it today where's my pizza I'm having this five days old shit

oh fuck that's for half cheese as well oh god fuming I'm a Tesco guy Sainsbury's the club card and everything is in's. I love the club card

and everything is in the shop. Oh fuck the club card. You got it for quality don't you? It's all the same stuff. Alright. Well M&S is the goated one.

I love the Sainsbury's. For food M&S is the food is so much better. It's light years ahead. The bread and M&S. You can't do your big shop at Marks and Spencer's.

You can't do your proper everything big shop. Can you? Yeah. You can get everything there big shop at Marks and Spencer's. You can't do your proper everything big shop. Can you? Yeah. You can get everything there. If I go to cook in Liverpool now

at home, I go to M&S. M&S's food is light years ahead of everything else. It is. But obviously the prices are too. Cheshire Oaks

at Sainsbury's has become my favourite. It's near my house. I love Sainsbury's. No one's going to go from... Do they run that like an outlet store? Is it like steaks that are like too big or too small?

What do you mean? They got it. Oh yeah, the chest roast. I was like, I don't know. I'll have to have a look at the steaks. Finn says we like any of the... What did you call them? The foreign ones.

Like Aldi, Lidl. No. Aldi's, you know, solid, but I never go there. I drive past it and go, Aldi's the one I go to. But doesn't everyone just go to that because of the cost? No one, is everyone choosing Aldi? A lot of people do.

I like Aldi. It's better for the veg. I like to get served. Who's that? Your mum. Little bakery's decent. Your mum doesn't sound anything like that. What does she sound like?

I don't know. Fuck me in the aft. This is how your mum sounds. Because she's dead. If anyone didn't miss that. She has deceased. Too much cum. So Dan, It's vodka actually.

No, I thought she mixed it. Oh lord. Come here. that's how she mixed it oh lord come here seasoning how are you cleaning that bulb on the underrated overrated it says the little bakery so you've brought it up would you say that's an underrated

it is underrated it's decent anywhere that sells salted pretzels. Lidl Bakery. Listen, as a gout sufferer, I'm telling you right now, massive salted pretzels will give you that

extra lump of foot. Why are you going to Lidl Bakery? That's so sad. There's a bakery at the back of Lidl that is, I think, one of the best bits of Lidl. Lidl's alright. One of the best bits?

It's in the top five bits of Lidl. It's the bakery, there's the aisles, the tills. Top five. Lidl. Lidl's alright. One of the best bits. It's in the top five bits of Lidl. It's the bakery, there's the aisles, the tills. There's two top five Lidl bits. The exit. Shout out to everyone who knows the Lidl bakery. So you're going Tesco, you're going Asda. Asda. You're going Sainsbury's. I think so, yeah. I'm going Aldi.

So we're all going for different. But then again, I am actually going M&S, but that's dead. I can't. The working class man in me can't say M&S. But Emma, it's the only one for the rest of your life Asda oh Tesco Asda

but if I say to Seneca let's go do an M&S shop she's in the car before I've finished the sentence shut up I just want a massive one I'll take

honestly Seneca's in the car before you finish the sentence you can chuck it in there you know let's go and do an M&S foursome with three other women she can still say no I'm in the car though oh god you should let me finish Let's go and do an M&S for some with three other women.

She can still say no. I'm in the car though. Oh, God. You should let me finish. No, no, no. Lock them doors. Come on. This is not you driving.

This is you milking the tits of two of the other women. Nice. Lovely imagery. Lovely. It's true though, isn't it? A huge supermarket with everything. Asda's fine fine Tesco's fine you have to know

where it all is as well I know my Tesco inside out you're going to a Tesco that isn't your regular Tesco awful I know where the kidney beans

are in my Tesco and the teriyaki seasoning I will give you under par what are you making are you taking a piss at me for little bakery or kidney beans

little bakery we're having teriyaki kidney beans to tea tonight love we'll make a chilli one night and we'll make a chicken dish the next

slender wheel banter just saying I'll give you under quid to go and find them two items within an hour you're allowed

to ask people yeah but they don't know men don't like asking. Have you ever, have you asked someone who works in any shop? Like, do you know the way like taxi drivers used to have to know the way? Are you getting a taxi? You'd be like, we're going to this address. And they just had to know where they were going.

And now it's not like that because they've got maps and whatever. And they don't know where they're going at all. They just follow the map. Now, supermarket workers and also high street workers, you can go to them and go, excuse me, have you got any of these in a different size? And they look at you like you've given them a Sudoku to do. They're like, no, I don't know if I can open that.

We don't even sell them. That's Olive's. A big Boots pharmacy, if you, like I don't see the point in searching. If you don't know the Boots, I just ask someone. And then yeah, sometimes you just sometimes there's two of you lost. No, I'd rather get lost for 15 minutes

and then ask. Yeah. No, I'm alright. I think I just... Like, I'm up and down the aisles the same aisle four times and I'll ask. I feel like I have to have a go first.

It's a challenge. Yeah. Looking for Asian greens yesterday. Asian veg. Just Amazon are going to bum everyone's head in, aren't they? They're just going to be like,

I tell you what, why don't you just order it here yeah right any more correspondence yes this is from josh lee wag wag lids just heard a story in another podcast about a guy who won a bet hiding a shit in a shared house without it being found turns out he melted the butter shit in the tub and put the butter back in the fridge. My question is, if you had to hide a shit and have a word HQ in it not be found for 24 hours by the others,

where would you hide it? Inside an envelope with our name on the front of it. What's that smell? I don't know. Any letter to this company? There's no extra there's no extras for that question carl's headline that question and he's so spot on right okay so declan thompson says higher lids um higher lids uh

deck and georgia here oh no yeah what share the facebook as well i don't know it feels like it stinks

georgia and deck forever loves riley smith we went to the restaurant special it was absolutely class so our question is

oh they were they were they came out drinking with me and Eshan and Jamie Georgia from Worcester I came out with her love your sauce Gail

she's a very attractive lady he's lovely as well yeah were they the ones I nicked the churro off yeah yeah she's lovely

he's really they are so sound would you rather kiss Georgia that's the question on the face are so sound who would you rather kiss Georgia that's the question on the face whose genitals

would you rather have in and around your mouth oh Dex I've got gout I imagine if you've got gout I've not got long to live I might as well suck a dick from Worcestershire

that was a thing I just said out loud to a microphone. Don't worry about that, ladies and gentlemen. It's just a two kilogram cock falling off the wall. Nothing to see here. Practicing for deck. Right.

Our question is, if you lads had to create an entirely new business other than the restaurant, since you've already done it, what would it be? And which comics are you hiring to be your staff? Go Kartra. And who are you hiring? No one, just me.

No, I'm not even invited to them, just one to go Kartra. Go Kartra. It's got to be something where people can't die because I just don't think... Axe to that one. Okay, yeah. Wow.

Gum range. Two weeks we'd be open. What about golf? What about a golf course? I just don't think it's... You know, it's not a game that's easy to break into. People have got their courses. I think we've got...

I think it's a bar, innit? It's a bar with, like, music and comedy. Yeah. Do you reckon? That's a nice idea. Where would? It's a bar with music and comedy. Yeah. Do you reckon? That's a nice idea. Where would you put that? Manchester. Manchester?

Probably. If you were opening a bar with a club in. That's interesting. Worcester. By the way, just so you know, we've been spitballing the idea of maybe one day owning some sort of bar, comedy club venue. I've come up with an idea for the name of it.

Go on. Adam Rose. Oh, yeah. Talk us through it. Yeah, go on, yeah. How did you get your inspiration for that? Plus support. Oh.

Adam Rowe and acquaintances. One day you might be friends. Oh, can't we call it the Inappropriate Gentleman? It's a bar. The Inappropriate Gentleman. That's actually really good. The Inappropriate Gentleman's Club. That's actually really good.

That does seem like it's going to be strippers. That sounds like a stripper's club. Hey, and all the other strip clubs, you don't get to touch them or finger them or anything. Not here at the Inappropriate Gentlemen's. You can spit on them. It's just an extra tenner. It's Adam Rose, Inappropriate Gentlemen's Club.

There's the business. A strip club. Right. We open a have-a-word strip club. Okay. We open a have a word strip club. Okay, cool. Yeah, I can't see any problems online with that. What do you mean? They're all consenting adults.

What's the problem? What, in terms of our reputation? Sex work is real work, Dan. No, it's not sex work. It's just dancey work. I'm not a sex worker. I'm a dancer worker. I just dance with my biff.

We get like hulked up on the pole oh it's comics isn't it yeah where's Stephanie right oh right

oh hang on it's a strip club with comedians doing the dancing male strip club yeah and love all that you know

they normally only get them for like their bachelorette parties now but you know what I'm saying oh Barry Dodds with his fucking lad out yes

howie is what he'd say you know what I'm saying Barry Dodds with his fucking lad out yes howie is what he'd say you know because he's from Newcastle look at my fucking cock boots and a wound you know because he's had a stroke

because I I haven't got a fucking hair on me body Adam's having a fucking stroke let's hope it doesn't affect his fucking complexion dirty bastard

he'd be Flockmaster Nuts wouldn't he DJ Flockmaster Nuts in the house with me dick out like what do you think

he's got a microphone yeah he loves the music hello ladies I'm a naked DJ a what Paddy and Molly on the door you're the cat mother Hello ladies I'm a nigger DJ A what? Paddy and Molly on the door You're the cat mother

What's a cat mother? Like the stable of whores is yours Nay No meow Stupid What other strippers can we get? Jamie Hutchinson is the closer on that, isn't he? Yeah, he gets the money, mate.

Grounds for the divorce. Can we ask Sticky Vicky? Yeah. Firing ping pong balls out of his cock. Jamie can pull some stuff out of his ass. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cock? That'd be cock.

Cock? It's cock. I could get a ping pong ball in my foreskin. Oh. Ow. Luckily, you're working the bar. No, the sexy bar as well, isn't it? Everyone's going to be sexy at all times. I'm not a sex worker.

We're all dancing to Chelsea Dagger at all times. I'm just a sexy dancer. Hello. London's calling. That's not Chelsea Dagger. That's not That's not Chelsea Dagger That's the jam Hey

Look at me fucking knob Give us a tenner tip I'll put me knob away Keep throwing money at him He'll put his clothes on Oh a reversion club, you come in Addressing club Sorry, it's the clash, sorry, I got confused

You fucking like my tits? No We'll give you a ten and I'll put them back on There's a cash point at the front door, you'll fucking need it Because some of these lads are in bad condition £100, damn put your... Was that English? What was that word you said? Some of these lads are in bad condition.

I know, I'm fucking trying with me joy, Lee. It didn't fucking start with me. I've fucking... I've gone mental. I've gone proper fucking mental. Strippers, there you go. The inappropriate gentleman's club. It's just men's strippers.

And they pay you to put your clothes on oh yeah who's the big closer me with my gout you know those bars where it's like free drinks for women

you hear this it's quite common in like Dubai in the middle east free drinks for women all night but no rights I'm on your side

so the girls go because they get to get drunk and the men go and pay like extortionate prices for drinks because there's a lot of women there drinking for free. We do the opposite. Free drinks for men all night.

Oh. Get the women. The women are enticed by Barry Dodgers' cock and all the eligible gentlemen. Brilliant. Brilliant. Yeah. Yeah.

We're closed on match days, but apart from that. Free drinks for men! Oh, yeah, that's a really smart move because women love loads of men. It's famous. When a couple of girls go out dancing, they want to be totally outnumbered by men. Just literally round them going,

Winning! Win! Paying fucking £11 for a gin and tonic. Yeah, great idea. Smart. That's how we diversify this fucking business, win. Pay fucking £11 for a gin and tonic. Yeah, great idea. Smart. That's how we diversify this fucking business, mate. Yeah, it's equality. Do you want equality? Right, should we do a couple underrated, overrated?

Have a break. Here, go on. Press the jingle, Dan. Oh! there go on press the jingle Dan who's that from Carl show that camera Carl this is from Goat Instagram Goat

Naomi Mitchell have we scanned that we haven't scanned oh there's a scan behind the back I'm guessing it's from the business to make more money

Naomi Mitchell Naomi sent this is she got onto us because she was a fan of Vittorio and then we got Vittorio Angolone

on and she came to your tour show she came to mine she's fucking great she shares everything absolute legend of a pod and comedy fan she's so supportive tour show she came to mind. She's fucking great. She shares everything.

Absolute legend of a pod and comedy fan. She's so supportive of so many podcasts, but particularly ours. And Carl is now rubbing his balls up. You all right? Right. If I have to do any longer, are you going to start calling me Robin Van Pampersie?

Robin would have been better. This is from Naomi Mitchell thanks Naomi I didn't know what you said she's just she shares everything she makes boss little things on Instagram

like little she's great panels of us all we appreciate you sharing stuff on your socials so much 100% it's all good liking

but the share is so important especially on Instagram stories because it takes effort so first one is from Jono Barkley, and this is alcohol-free beer, overrated or underrated? I've never drunk it.

It's overrated. I just, like, I've won every now and then, but if you're not drinking, just don't drink. Just have a Coke. When you were having your sober- Six weeks. Yeah, six weeks, were you ever tempted to go on the alcoholcove for a beer

or is that like a gateway drug it just makes me want a beer I think does it taste different I don't know it does taste a little

bit different they're getting a lot better there's some that like you can barely notice the difference but you don't get the buzz so it's just I tell you

weed free gummies are nice they're good I've been eating them since I was a kid they're really nice what's the point of is it just to help people who are maybe Weed-free gummies are nice. They're good. I've been eating them since I was a kid. They're really nice. What's the point of alcohol? Is it just to help people who are maybe... Yeah, having some time off or just...

Some people just want the flavour. As I'm saying, so is it helping people who are maybe... shouldn't be drinking as much as they are? Yeah, maybe. But, I mean, I think they're overrated. I think most of the time, there's always... Every now and then it's different, but most of the time, there's always, every now and then it's different, but most of the time, if I'm not drinking,

I'll just have a Diet Coke or a Coke or... It seems a bit seedy then, doesn't it? Like, oh, you don't want to drink beer no more. Drink stuff that tastes like beer so you don't forget about us. Yeah. Seems a bit fucking seedy. I've never drunk them.

What do you think about it? I do want to try the Guinness one. There's Guinness Cero now. And I do want to try that. Just, I'm intrigued yeah do they do it on draft or is it just

yeah it's only draft oh really yeah I'd have thought it would be in a can thing is it the same glass or is it like a 0% glass that's good I suppose if you drink with your mates

and you don't want to drink and you don't look like yeah and you can pour a beer out do you know what I mean yeah I don't think we're too far away from alcohol free draft as well

I think that'll be coming soon if it's not already there. I haven't seen it yet. Okay, sweet. So this next one's from Gackle and that is music festivals overrated or underrated? They're overrated, aren't they?

Like they are overrated because people get dead excited by them, but in reality, you do just think of shit in the field for like four days. I think the lineups have become so diversified that you can't you can't go

to one and go oh every single person on this stage i want to see i didn't enjoy our day at leeds festival i enjoyed watching the arctic monkeys but it was a bit like yeah because it was not enough for us to do there yeah glastonbury is, I've never been and obviously it looks incredible. It has to be overrated. I do want to go. Yeah, I will go. But I was like, oh, it'll change your life.

You've never been able to. Yeah, I'd love to go to Glastonbury. But maybe that's overrated a little bit because... It doesn't appeal to me loads. Having done a couple, I'm like, I feel like I've done it. I suppose some,

it's like anything, and it's some people absolutely buzz off being outdoors and camping. I'm not that arsed about camping full stop. So then to camp with 15,000 other cunts

who all start throwing bottles because they're fucking hammered on the Sunday afternoon, that would just do my head. I feel like I did it when I was younger. Now I'm like, I'm all right.

I definitely feel like early 20s, late teens with a group of your mates, it probably doesn't get much better than that. Oh, V98 was fucking quality it was on

the Saturday was not great the Saturday was you didn't say the Saturdays the Saturdays weren't great the Sunday was Iggy Pop Green Day the Seahorses

and who are these people The Verve yeah I've just seen I've seen the line up oh the Sunday the Saturday looked alright no

Charlotte and Texas Stereophonics Robbie Williams yeah Robbie Williams it was just just out of take that no it was fine Saturday was alright

we got right in the mix for the Sunday Robbie Williams sings one of my favourite songs ever it's called Something Beautiful oh that's a banger isn't that with who's the girl in it

Nicole Kidman no he just sings on his in it? Nicole Kidman. Isn't it? No. He just sings on his own. Is it? Yeah. What's that one? Oh, I thought it was a girl.

Something stupid. Something stupid. Something stupid. You'd have loved the Sunday. Yeah. I've shown you the best festival I went to. Apart from Chumbawamba, who were a fucking disgrace. Let's get him for the arena.

Sounds like a slayer against fat people. Zog shit. Chumbawun was shite when I went to the Isle of Wight that was up there with Chumawun

it's gotta be one of the best lineups ever your run yeah your run was outrageous three headliners was great right

the next one green day got a lad from Sheffield called Johnny up to sing and play guitar and he had green hair

and you could tell it was you know the Dave bit where where Ali Sheffield called Johnny up to sing and play guitar. And he had green hair. And you could tell it was, you know, the Dave bit. Where Ali gets Alex up, which is so fucking watchable. We've mentioned it before. But Johnny from Sheffield came up and he was the biggest Green Day fan. You could just tell. And Billy, no, Billy, I don't know what the lead singer's called. Billy Ray Cyrus.

Billy Joe. Billy Zayn. Armstrong. Got him up. And I, like I like Green Day, but you could tell the guy had just reached the peak of his existence

and it would never be matched. Well, we stuck with five at the arena, so how do we beat that? I was in five. Matt. Four. No, because Carl was in them as well. Me and Adam completed five. Matt. Four. No, because Carl was in them as well.

Me and Adam completed five. Then we were about 27, weren't we? No, because we had mics in the middle of them. We were actually front and centre doing the dance moves. Slightly behind. There's a gif if I've ever seen it. Make that into a gif. Who is it?

Sorry, I forgot your name on Twitter. You're the gif goat. Can't remember it make that into a gif who is it sorry I forgot your name on twitter you're the gif goat can't remember your name sorry make that go on right last one

and then we'll have a break this is from Charlie overrated or underrated foot jobs what fucking someone's feet I think they're probably underrated I've never done it

but I can see the appeal are you a foot man do you mean I've got feet. Oh, cool. Have you got any feet, Dan? Dan's got a massive foot. I'm not going to have two for long.

Do feet turn you on? They are a sexy part of a woman's body. I don't mind having a woman's foot in my mouth. Yeah, in that position. Yeah, I know what you mean. I prefer nearly every other part of her body, though. No, a woman's foot is quite sexy when... Yeah.

In your mouth? Yeah. I'd rather have a foot in my mouth than knees. A whole foot or a couple of toes. Mate, it's in relegation trouble. Yeah, it's a couple of toes. Oh, really? Like, with the arms?

Better than the feet? In your mouth. Are you wrong? I bit the feet? In your mouth? You're right. I bit your mouth. Open your mouth, girl. Isn't that what you just said? Yeah, no. Feet are quite sexy.

There's a reason her foot fetish is massive. And feet in your mouth in a certain position is sexy biting her toes and shit. It is. No, it doesn't do. Stuff doesn't. Give it a go mate yeah I don't mind

yeah yeah Laura's always asking me to nibble on her feet she's like I can't find the clippers come on oh

no that's disgusting sucked a big toe Dan who are you um no I'm not feet not go on then list your

body parts then in order of what I'd rather have in my mouth no attractiveness bum face number one face Dan come on you're on bum before pussy your body parts in order of what I'd rather have in my mouth no attractiveness bum face number one

face Dan come on you go bum before pussy I always go bum before pussy a bumpy ride I go vagina

mouth arsehole in that order face what do you mean I said attractiveness pussy oh I thought you meant

what I'd like to fuck. That is the same thing to you. What do you find attractive? Intelligence, personality, political beliefs, and then pussy and arsehole. But you're so clever, and you lean slightly to the left, and you have a really tight bumhole. Marry me.

Come on. Let's take face out of it because we've all got beautiful women. Here's this week's top five. What are you going for? Bum. Bums are over pussy, yeah? And boobs.

Are you going bum hole or are you going bum cheeks? I'm going boobies, mate. Like a good pair of legs with a tattoo on them. Oh. Oh, you're a tattoo on them oh oh you tattooed like that yeah wrapped them round my head

wrapped them round my head and put my face right in the middle of that where am I you've brought someone else into it haven't you

I think legs have been dope in there what well because you started with legs but then it ended where you actually

wanted to be yeah but I would I would rather go down on a woman who's got legs. That is disgusting. As a soon-to-be amputee, I am disgusted by that. Rather? I can say that. He says rather. Yeah?

I'm not saying I wouldn't. I'm saying it's better if you... It'd be fucking easy. Anyway, bum for me and if they're attached to legs great if that bum's attached to legs fine

but not a must smell boobies for me I'm going boobies number one boobies face and boobies I'm a boobie man me I don't know sexyies number one boobies face out boobies boobie man me I don't know

sexy sexy I'm not asked about bit like if you if there's a person who's sexy none of that counts for when you just go

fuck your heart yeah but fetus I'm saying for fetish is a thing it's never on my list no it's not but I'm saying I get it

I get it it's not my big thing but I get it yeah but I've it. Yeah. But I've never wanted to fuck anyone's elbows. Gave up on Trinity Bantam. It was great.

Yeah, because you're so... That's my favourite bit of this podcast ever. You're like... Fine, okay. I mean, you're absolutely right, but I can't be arsed fucking ad-libbing.

Let's have a break. Hey, you! The podcast's on a little break here, isn't it? There's nothing for you to listen to, but I can't be arsed fucking ad-libbing. Let's have a break. Hey, you! The podcast's on a little break here, isn't it? There's nothing for you to listen to, so why don't you do us a favour while we're on a break? Like this if you're on YouTube. Subscribe to the channel if you're on YouTube.

Leave a comment. If you're listening on Apple Podcasts, leave us a five-star review with a nice little comment. If you're listening on Spotify, leave us a five-star review with a nice little comment. Follow us online.

All our socials, at Have A Word Pod. Give us a follow. If you see a video, comment. Follow us online. All our socials. At Have A Word Pod. Give us a follow. If you see a video, like it and share it. It costs you nothing. Don't be a dick about it. Don't be a dick about it. Don't be a dick about it.

Don't be sly. Share it, you fucking lid. Don't be a fucking rat. Mike Rises here. Mike Rises in the studio. It's always good to sing some really strong Irish I'm talking you rude cunt

I was literally talking and you started talking I was bored What the fuck Sort this out This is getting bad It's funny when it's a joke I was literally talking Awful

Fucking cunt. Get the therapist to sort this out. My therapist said that you were trying to stifle me. She never gets her word in. Adam, can we talk about it? Yeah, yeah, we can talk about you. Keep your fucking mouth shut. Do you have a therapist, Adam?

Yeah. Started last week, yeah. Oh, fuck. I have a lad as well. We haven't heard anything about it. I'm 2-0 up. He's very shy. Really?

Mike Rice is here. Dirty old town is here dirty old town dirty old town come out G Black and Tans come out before we start to record

Mike you were telling us your opinions on the toxic state of Irish politics and I was wondering whether you cared to expand

oh yeah you were singing them what you were singing a lot of those opinions well I was yeah

Jupp Schimfein huh Jupp Schimfein Schimfein Schimfein are going to get the power and then you're all was yeah you're up shin fein huh you're up shin fein shin fein uh shin fein are going to get the power and that then you're all in trouble you're in trouble me you're in big trouble you soup eating huh i eat soup yeah what's that make me a coward mate i hate the tories so much i'd take shin fein yeah what harm could that do let's fuck fuck the tories yeah are they standing in Cheshire,

Sinn Féin? Yeah, well, they would do their best, yeah. They'll come anywhere. Like, anywhere,

they're just fucking... They're taking the pictures off the smoke packs so you don't feel guilty when you smoke them. You what? Sinn Féin. And they're getting

the old leprosy lecipe Lucas A pack. The leprosy Lucas A pack. It was took off the shelves so fizzy you'll lose a limb yeah you having a little beer there

you both having a beer my mind is gone just yeah I'm trying to get myself I just got a new medication and it it like G's me up

so now I'm like I took that and now I'm fucking zoned what's the medication for what's the problem what you got going on oh the fuck

these antidepressants cause just cause I wasn't sleeping and the doctor wouldn't give me sleeping pills why cause he was like

cause he's just a cunt they're just you know he's just a rotten bastard I says I says just give me fucking sleeping pills that's what I've come here for

and he was like he was like what's the problem I was like none of your business what's the problem give me the give me the pills that's him what you're on him yeah and he was like, he was like, what's the problem? I was like, none of your business, what's the problem? Rude. Give me the pills.

That's him. What? You're on him. Yeah, but it's none of their, why is that his, I've just come in here, give me the pills.

It's like if you go in, I don't know if you've ever gone in to get a Viagra or anything and they're like, and they're like, what's the problem? Are you kidding me?

I don't need it, I get too many erections if anything, Mike. Do you? Yeah. They come in unfortunate times. Yeah. Like where now?

In the bank. You've got one in the bank? Yeah. Would you nudge it into the person in front of your queue? No, no, no. But like- You get served quicker. Yeah.

Do you think it's a gun? Like I've never been on a plane and not had to go and sort myself out because the rumble of the plane, the turbulence turns me on. Right. And so you'd have a wank in the toilet

no it just gets trained yeah is that true you've always I mean we said this last week there's not many

planes I've been on and not had to come in I'll be honest I'll be honest when I was when I was younger I so for like

I hit puberty very late so I had like several years of where I would come and not did no jizz come out and I was wanking

everywhere like everywhere hang on you were already wanking but to no there was no result there was no result it was perfect

it was the perfect crime because there's no evidence so you're just you're cumming and then you look down it's just like why?

you know what I mean what do you mean why? why is there no cum? because my balls hadn't dropped so I only hit puberty when I was like 16 so like very very late

so I had these years where I'd be like just I'd be in the back of like cattle trailers like in class I came a few times in class in a cattle trailer in class?

well no the cattle trailer no the cattle trailer wasn't in class but like I'd be in class and because I hadn't developed, I don't know if you remember when your dick was the size

that I would wank like that. Yeah. So like that. So I'd have a hole. This morning. Yeah. So I had a hole in the pocket of my pants. So I could just put it in

and just like that but like I could do it and then just and like in French class I would do it in French that's a word in French as well well I would come like

you know well done mate yeah but it was it was wild because it's great yeah

but do you remember you've been wanking with nothing happening for years what happened the first time was it in like french and then all of a sudden you've got a soggy pocket pocket full of cum no no i didn't the first time i was in french it was just at home but i was afraid for years that i was going to be a boy forever like that was going to be just a child like remember gary coleman that lad that child actor from different strokes yeah he was like what was it what you talking about that guy i thought i was gonna be him i was just a

an eternal child like peter pan so so which was like very like gave me a lot of anxiety but so i would try to actually push my ball down like to make my ball drop i would like get the fuck down you thought it was a physical if you push it if i like to make my ball drop i would like get the fuck down you thought it was a physical if you push it if i push it down the ball gets down and also like so i'd know i'd know uh pubes ratting and so then i'd have to but like when i where i went to school everyone was on a hunt for people with no pubes like that was like it was like an easter egg hunt but like to find someone who was yeah we used to have prove a pube. Yeah. Yeah.

Huh? You never had prove a pube in school? Prove a pube? So like people would be like, you've got no pubes, you lad. And you're like, I fucking haven't. They go, go on, prove a pube. And you just have to get your pubes up. Or pull one out.

Yeah, pull one out. So people would have a little baggie in there, the pubes, like they found. Oh yeah, right. Yeah. Some kids would like get their hair cut and collect their own hair from the barbers and just have it ready to be like, here you go. Waller. Yeah. Yeah. Some kids would get their hair cut and collect their own hair from the barbers and just have it ready to be like, here you go.

Waller. Yeah. I knew a lad who did that, who got his hair from his head and like sellotaped it to his armpits. Yeah. So like then when he was in the, you know,

chains and locker rooms. But lads would go around and jock you. That was a thing in our thing. Yeah. Yeah. So I would be on fucking high alert. Like I was like a fucking ninja. I would stay close to walls and stuff four sides are too small yeah oh absolutely i've been welded yeah on the wall yeah just along the along the fucking walls uh like a bank robber

but yeah kid over there that's just mike he's just getting a hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Spider Mike. Yeah. Spider Mike. Spider Mike. Does whatever a Spider Mike does. Yeah. But it was fucking, it was stressful, man. I can imagine. No wonder you're trying to get, you know,

antidepressant medication. This is, I think this has had some long... He doesn't want antidepressants, though he wants sleeping tablets. Oh, so you've got antidepressants? Sorry. I think I'm going to my doctor soon, because I'm not sleeping very well.

Oh, lad, I'm going through a nightmare at the minute with sleep. Really? Same. Yeah. My broken ribs aren't helping me, like... How'd you break your ribs, lad? I turned into a banister coming out of Anfield. He turned into a banister?

As in, like, just walk? I'm a banister. It's like a fairy tale at midnight. He turns into a banister. The strong... It's Adam Rowe. No, it's a banister. It's 2023.

He can identify as anything he wants. He's like a were-banister. Like when the clock strikes 12, he just becomes a banister. I smashed my ribs into a banister fleeing a Liverpool game. Oh, fuck. And yeah,

very sore. So, at the minute, there's no comfortable position to sleep in. So, like, I'm up until my brain is literally like, I need to turn off. Like, where it just

can't do anymore and it will then sleep in pain. So, I was up till, like, quarter to five this morning. Oh, my God. Yeah. You've not been sleeping, Mike?

No, no. And I got to a fucking gig there the other day. i've met it's been going on for about a month i think what happened was i started uh liking this girl was was kind of kicked it off but i'd been having a thing where i wasn't sleeping before events i'd be nervous about like i had a special uh that i shot and the whole night before it didn't see one wink right yeah but it's been happening, uh, happening a bit.

Right. But I got to a gig then last week and I was doing that and I was on stage and I was like, I'm kind of forgetting fucking words and shit, you know? Um, and I came off and then this lady says to me, her name's, uh,

Mags McHugh. She's a, an old comic, right? An old English comic, but she used to live in Dublin. So I know her. So she's like,

she was like, you're not well, Mike, you're not well. I can see it. You're not well. And I was like, yeah, I know. I've not been not been sleeping she was like we're calling the

NHS right now right now I used to work in health care and what do you fancy huh you know what I would give Mags a shot um how old how old is Mags Mags is 67 years of age and currently has cancer um but oh my god God. It could be kindred spirits. Yeah, there's a sauciness to her and I wouldn't mind sniffing her. But,

she, no, do you know someone who does old women who just kind of like smells nice? It looks like she fucks. Yeah,

oh, 100%. But just, one of those old women that looks like she fucks and has cancer at the moment. Yeah. Oh,

yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd probably fuck more if I had cancer though because I'd be trying to get as many fucks in as possible before they dropped out. Yeah, yeah oh yeah i'd probably fuck more if i had cancer though because i'd be trying to get as many fucks in as possible before the doctor yeah yeah yeah famously chemotherapy makes you horny yeah and that's a fact isn't it yeah i don't know oh yeah it's an aphrodisiac oysters and chemotherapy you're all sat there at the same two things yeah

absolutely you're all sat there in a room, tubed up, looking at each other going, come here you. I'd rip the wig off you. Get in here you. You bloody lovely. And you're in. No shagging please. Yeah. So anyway,

she says to me, we're calling up the NHS. I used to work in healthcare. What you do is you call them up. So I couldn't get an appointment. Where's she from? For a doctor. Huh?

Who's this woman from? England. She's spent some time in Rwanda, some in Dublin. And by the sounds of it, she's got a stroke as well. And the cancer. No, I want an appointment. The cancer has caused a stroke. I will be called a doctor. The cancer's making her that horny.

She's got foreign accent syndrome. Yeah. Oh, my. She's got accent cancer. I got the video pop up the other day of that woman who's got a Chinese accent from a head injury. I think it's the funniest thing that's ever happened.

It's amazing. People keep tagging me in it. Lots of air. Yeah. Lots of air. I think even if that was me and I was talking in a chat, I'd find humor in that.

No, you wouldn't. No, I absolutely would. Are you joking? a Chinese accent, I'd find humor in that. No, you wouldn't. No, I absolutely would. Are you joking? Are you joking? You'd find humor in you. You can't talk to your friends no more. I can't talk to them. I would laugh every second.

Exactly. Are you laughing with me? Yeah, 100%. If I'm talking in a Chinese accent, I can't help it. Here's what I want to know. The woman who speaks in a Chinese accent, why doesn't she just put her own old accent on? What you mean oh yeah just do an impression she can't even speak english though she goes uh this she listens to a voice message she got from like the bank or an

insurance company they sent her a cd with her voice as a recording on because they had it as part of gdpr and she listens back to her own voice. And she was like, I like to speak like this. This woman speaks so good. And I know speak as good. You're like, she's not only got the accent. She's forgotten. The broken English. She's forgotten how to.

Yeah, but why doesn't she just be like, I don't speak too fat and good, bruv. I want to speak like a woman on the fucking time. It's probably the cancer and all the horniness. Yeah. What happens if you get foreign accent syndrome but you can't do any other accents?

But that is what it is, isn't it? But you don't know what a Chinese accent is. She's not trying to do a Chinese accent. You end up sounding like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Park the bus a minute. She hasn't woke up and they've gone, you can't have your voice anymore. And she's gone, do you know what? Luckily, I do a belt of a Chinese accent.

That's not what's going on. If she didn't do a belt in a vagina. Oh, you mean if she was bad at it? Yeah. Then she'd just sound fucking stupid. But as it stands, she just sounds Chinese.

She's just out of speech. Like say you live in like a forest or something that you've never been like, you've never heard any of it. Go, go, go, go.

She's not trying to do. I know. But what would happen if she wasn't like, you know, she'd go, go. She's not trying to do. I know. But what would happen if she wasn't? She'd still be doing. She's not actually doing a Chinese accent. That's just what her mouth does now. She is. What if she'd never heard the Chinese accent?

Exactly what I'm saying. Then she probably couldn't do. You'd have to know it somewhere in your head. You're both insane. No, no. If she'd never heard a Chinese accent, she wouldn't wake up and go, oh my God your head. You're both insane. No, no. If she'd never heard a Chinese accent, she wouldn't wake up and go, oh my God, hello.

Yes, she would. No, she wouldn't. She's not trying to do a Chinese accent. Yes, she is. No, she isn't. Yes, she is. Yes, she is. It's foreign accent syndrome,

not like stupid mouth syndrome. It's called foreign accent syndrome because they haven't given a better term. No, it's not just accidentally Chinese. Yes, it it's not no it's not she's heard the chinese accent and something is malfunctioning in her head and it's making her do a chinese accent no it isn't that is not what's happening at all cast them both no i think i think that she's doing uh she's doing a chinese accent and she's racist and this is just some fucking horseshit that she's like a Chinese accent and she's racist. And this is just some fucking horse shit that she's like,

I have to do the Chinese accent. I don't know how to do a Chinese accent. But I think she's just like, I have to do it. There's nothing else I can do. I have my head. And that's a fun life to live then.

Then you can be Chinese forever. I think you would have to be predisposed to something to be able to do it by accent. I reckon, write in, Dr. Canary, write in.

Because what you're saying is she's just doing a noise that is accidentally sounds Chinese yeah that's exactly what's happening no I'm saying in her head there has been a malfunction

with that injury and in her head she's doing Chinese I can't tell you how profoundly stupid you both are well I can't tell you so you're saying

she'd never heard the Chinese accent and she would be doing this accent? Exactly the same. No, absolutely not. Yes, she would. No, not at all. Well, you think there's a Chinese part to the brain. No.

You do. No, no, no. You think there's a Chinese part to the cerebral. I think she is trying to speak in her own voice and something has happened with her brain and her vocal cords that makes it make that sound. And it just so happens to sound to us like a stereotypical racist Chinese accent.

No. That's what it is. Your brain hasn't gone, right, we're fucked here, so I choose Chinese. That is not what's going on. Write in, email in, about someone who knows.

And there's only 150 cases, known cases of this in the world. All Chinese people might have it. You think that's actually- No! No, Karl! Absolutely, 100%, they're just making a noise. No, but so you think that they've all been in an accident? Like China's been in an accident?

Yeah, and that's the accent they've come up with. Right, because it doesn't sound like something you would come up with, it does sound like- It sounds a bit, you know. Mike, finish your story, because we're absolutely trounced all over it. You're one... Actually, you're one anyway. So this week, she worked in healthcare.

And this came about because the accident I was doing was obviously a bit mental. But she was like, okay, so you call up the NHS. I know what you say. They answer the phone and just tell them, just tell them, I'm probably not going to stab anyone. I'm probably not going to stab anyone. Then they're going to think, oh, he is going to stab anyone. I'm probably not going to stab anyone. Then they're going to think,

oh, he is going to stab someone. Is that how you get an appointment? That's how you get an appointment. Trust me. She's like, just say, I'm probably not going to stab anyone. And she just sat beside me in the green room. Peter Flanagan, another comic, was across the way.

Do you reckon they still work in restaurants? I'm probably not going to starve to death, but I would like a table for two at seven o'clock. Yeah, exactly. it's psychology on everyone because you're not threatening nobody but they're still like they've planted the seed of course they're like he's a stabbing mike here so i uh so i says that i tells him i'm you know uh i get on it and and they're like hello what's the problem blah blah blah and i'm like look listen i'm not thinking of stabbing anyone they're're like, they're like, they're like, really?

I was like, probably not. But I do want to sleep. Right. But I do, and I tell them I'm not sleeping. It's been a fucking, it's a nightmare. It's tough.

I'm seeing voices, there's shadows, there's everything. And like, Mags is beside me kind of telling me what to say. She's like, there's a horse. You see horses.

Like, she's just, she's like, just be as nuts as you can. Are you sure Mag's just real and you haven't made it up? I'd be dead honest with you lads. Tell them there's a horse. You know it sounds like bollocks.

You know it does sound like bollocks. Is Maggie sat next to you right now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shall we say horses? She's telling me not to stab anyone. I'm not going to bum anyone. Say that. I'm probably not going to bum anyone yeah um i'm not gonna bum anyone say that i'm probably not gonna bum anyone yeah so anyway so then they ask all these questions when you say they're not sleeping and they're like uh have you exhibited any they're like have you exhibited any strange

behavior and then you have to kind of be like no you know like you have to be like you know you're trying to be like act strange so they're like all we're going to get you a guy to bring you back, right? I was like, great. No doctor, a guy. A guy,

a man, just Ray Winstone, just anyone, just someone's going to call you back. We're going to need that accent now. So I finally get to sleep that night at fucking quarter to six. At quarter past six,

the NHS fucking calls me, wakes me up. In the evening? In the fucking morning. Right, okay. They call me at 6 an hour in the evening in the fucking morning right okay they call me at 6.15 in the morning yeah but they've made you

look a cunt there yeah I just woke up like go sorted well they call me up and when I saw it

because I just got to sleep I nearly went through the fucking roof I looked at the phone I was like who the fuck is calling me I answered

the NHS I was like why are you calling me and they're at the phone and I was like, who the fuck is calling me? I answered, did I, the NHS? I was like, why are you calling me? And they're just like, yeah. And I was like, yeah, why would you call someone

who's been complaining about sleep at 6.15? Because if anything, the other people are going to be awake. Yeah. I know, but like,

how about try him fucking 15 minutes after he said he might stab someone? How about try that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

So she goes, and then I was like, do you have... In their defense, you said you probably went, can't you? Yeah, they played the opposite. You played yourself there.

I'm getting no support here. Yeah. There's no empathy for me here, but... So anyway, I was like, well, do you have an appointment then?

And she was like, no. I was like, why are you calling? She's like, just to check up. On what? The stabbings. Just to see if you're still having problems no. I was like, what are you calling? She's like, just to check up. On what? The stabbings.

Just to see if you're still having problems sleeping. I am, because you woke me up. That's amazing. Yeah. Horrific. Yeah, I need some help with my sleep, but if they offer me antidepressants, he's getting told to fucking swivel, mate.

Yeah. You're not doing that. No, I don't want that at all. I want sleeping tablets. I do want some sleeping tablets. Get night nurse. I've had night all. It says to take one

and then maybe another one an hour later. So I took two at once and they didn't work. So then I took four the next night and they didn't work. And then I had eight and they didn't work.

And then Heath Ledger. Night all. Yeah, that's what killed Heath Ledger. No, night all. Night nurse. There is a point where like on day 12 you do have to stop that sort of sequence, don't you? or killed Heath Ledger. No, night. You overran some horlicks. There is a point where, like on day 12,

you do have to stop that sort of sequence, don't you? It's like the gambling thing, innit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just keep doubling it till you win. Win. Double it till you go to sleep. All asleep forever. Oh, it's fucking great.

Not being able to sleep is so fucking... I'm getting like three or four hours night. As soon as you start thinking about it, you're less likely to go back to sleep. It's's a crazy cycle and the worst thing is like there's and this is how this how much like people like you know gender shit i was saying this to a girl recently i was like i was like oh yeah i'm fucking barely sleeping like two hours three hours and she goes well she's like that's more than a new mother though isn't it that's more than a mother in though, isn't it? That's more than a new mother, isn't it? And I was like, okay then, Claire, you're right, actually. I'm not tired.

Actually, you're right. I'm brimming with fucking energy in light of that comment. I'm going to run a marathon right now. I'd never looked at it like that. Oh, you've lost a leg. That cunt's lost two. You should be happy. Like, shut up.

I woke up to a message this morning. So on my Instagram story yesterday, I put like a thing saying I'm so sleep deprived. I woke up to a message today from a friend of mine who's pregnant, I put like a thing saying I'm so sleep deprived. I got a message today from a friend of mine who's pregnant. She was like, you know what sleep deprived is?

I'm pregnant at the minute and he keeps kicking me in the night. And I was like, no, I'm still tired. Yeah. Like you can, your life might be worse,

but that doesn't mean mine's not worth complaining about. Don't stand on by is a great thing about it, which is like, it's like your sock doesn't make my sock

suck any less. You know? But people somehow think it does yeah you need to learn how to sleep and that sounds insane to say but i've told them before i've taught myself how to sleep yeah you have take us through your steps how'd you do that with the kind of lucid dream you start in the same place every night and then you just build a new story each time so you let your brain go somewhere else so you're not focused on that i'm not sleeping you're focused on that and your brain switches off quicker so you go into a little fantasy land so i start in the same place every day yeah and then i'll be like oh i get in the car and i'm driving here what this happens and then you'll just naturally fall asleep yeah okay i do a version of that but it involves cocaine and

and i'll keep you awake if anything yeah in my head i just go yeah i know what you mean you'll do it like a daydreamy thing but it just ends up weirdly sordid really quick before you notice where do you go in your head well i start under a bridge what i'm just under the bridge what are you a troll or are you carrying me i'm just there there's no there's no like scenery i just know i'm under the bridge and then I'll just create it. I'll be like, oh, I'll climb up to the road and I'll get in my car

and then I'll drive and then usually two minutes in I'm asleep. Yeah, because it's boring. Yeah, because you're just making, it's all,

it's new each night. Could you just come to mine and just tell me the story you're creating Save Knox Mears League? Yeah. You could join them under the bridge,

is that? It's the same as counting sheep. It's taking your brain somewhere else. Right. Just making it, that's how people lose a dream. You can learn to lose a dream through the same just the same as counting sheep, it's taking your brain somewhere else. Right. Just making it- I saw people lucid dream. You can learn to lucid dream through the same method.

I was counting sheep one time, because I thought that had worked and I lost count and it dumbed me head in, and I just got really wound up and went and played FIFA. Yeah, and you can only have- when you wake up in the night, you can only really have one wank, and then it doesn't- Fim was counting sheep once and he got an erection. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, hang on. Yeah? Because there's a serious head that Welsh people fuck sheep and Turkish people. Awful. Is there? There's more Turkish people,

to be honest. Is there? Not anymore. There used to be. Before they got married, they used to go and bum goats. Messy. Right.

That's mad. Who? Like the men. Turkish men. Do you reckon your grandad's bummed a goat? This has got real patron-exc exclusive energy, hasn't it? Nice one, Mike.

Thanks for coming. Here's a question we've not asked for two and a half years. I'd like to think not, but you never know. It was because they couldn't have sex before marriage. So they were shagging livestock? Yeah. Just shag all the women, are you not marrying? No, they'd shag livestock or they'd shag each other,

but keep it on the down low. Well, I grew up on a farm. Keep shagging a women are you not marrying no they shag they shag livestock or they shag each other but keep it on the down low well I grew up on a farm keep shagging a woman on the down low mate and goats are dirty yeah that's a well known fact

I say there is something I did grow up on a farm and there is something when you're there that like there is temptations

like genuinely because that's I'm not I'm not joking about this like we can't we have to be kind of that was our'm not joking about this like we kind of we we have to be kind of that was our birds and the bees talk like we didn't get told about cows well it was just like i'll tell you i'll explain why it's because like you've these thing called sucky

calves right so these are like calves so when they're born we take them from the mother and then we feed them so we're kind of like the milk their mother right yeah yeah well we feed them don't worry about your mom i've got something right here yeah something like that but mike have you got a hickey on your tit oh yeah so we feed them uh we feed them out of a bucket but to teach them how to drink out of a bucket you've got to put your fingers in their mouth and then they go and then you bring it down uh into the bucket of milk and they start learning how to drink that way you put their foot in your mouth and you're like oh that's why they call it i mean like the truth of it is when you fuck animals like when you put your finger in their

mouth like it is one of the most glorious sensations like known to man. Like it is so warm and wet and even as a child, like even though you haven't put it together yet because you've not put your hand in a vagina, something is coming over you. Like this is the perfect place

to put my cock. Now, but that's just, so that's, you didn't even just until you were 16. I know that. So they,

they got, their throats were not affected by, no, no, no, hold on now. Take it easy. But the thing is then, you'd be doing that and it's so much fun that we kind of have to be just warned

by our parents, just leave it at the hand. Nothing else goes in there and we're like i should well they're like they're assholes yeah sometimes we did do that but it was actually genuinely and i mean this it was for their own good um just the older cows yeah they did well well yeah because sometimes they'd have a thing called scour, like, which is like,

like diarrhea of, of the calf arse. And I didn't use white to see if it had diarrhea. Wait, see what it should look like because we didn't have time. Uh, there was, there was no time for that.

A lot of work to be done. So you'd, you'd, you'd stick your finger up, uh, their arse and you go like that. Now it does, like when I do it like that,

it is reminiscent of a different movement. The middle two is better. Right. Yeah, yeah. Hang on. You stick two fingers in the bum of a cow to check if they've got diarrhea. Well, it's a calf, Dan, now.

Take it easy. Oh, not a full grown. Oh, a baby cow. Oh, that makes it better. Yes, this is a calf. Oh, yeah, it's better. Or baby cow, a finger wouldn't do anything.

It'd be like throwing a fucking, you know. A big cow? Like an adult cow, finger. Yeah, it'd be fucking nothing. It'd be like throwing a fucking pen in a bucket. You know what I mean? They wouldn't feel a thing. In fact, they'd laugh at you.

They'd be like, what the fuck is that? Although I will tell you this. I will tell you this, and this is... You're going to fish me or get away. This is true. I do believe I made a cow come once. And I'm not trying to be funny here. I'll tell you what happened.

It was genuinely not on purpose. What happened was... But you will wear that lingerie around the farm. I will. There was times I wanted to feel wanted and I felt I wasn't really getting enough attention. So I was out in the cow yard and we were putting them,

because we milk cows every day, so you have to get the fucking cows into these fucking cubicles to milk them. And there was one day this cow was like fucking, she just wouldn't go. And it's like, that's the problem. It's the the thing in life as well when like managers have to be dickheads to people below them to just get them to do what needs to be done the thing is if a cow won't get in i gotta make the cow get in by force like history won't be kind to what i've done to some of these cows

like just fuck like fast bender in 12 years so anyway I just start hitting the cow and she just won't move and then after a while I was like could feel like that she she kind of liked it

like and she was kind of like and I could feel these like rumblings of do you know just kind of like that and then

can we just have a replay on that please you've got a good cow face as well even the lips. Like there was this deep- Your cow is way better than your London accent. Right, yeah.

Well, I've spent a lot more time with them. And I have a lot more love for them, to be honest. I hate people from London. But, so this cow says, right? And then something came over me as your, it's like if a girl was like, I'm nearly there, I'm nearly there, so I'm just fucking. And then something came over me As you're It's like if a girl was like I'm nearly there

I'm nearly there So I'm just fucking And then just You know just And then I could feel that You know that tremble Like of the And I was like

Fuck Right? And then like I stopped And then she was all like And I was like Fuck With her hands?

Huh? What the hell mate stood on it's high and leg oh Mr Michael yeah and then

and I was like oh fuck what have I done you know what I mean and then from then on she would try because after that

then she when you looked over and she was smoking yeah so good gear that yeah hope you're ready for round two

that was thorough Mike that was thorough did she ever move anywhere again without, you know, you bringing her to orgasm? But see, this was the thing. This gave her then. This is, but like genuinely, Dan, and I'm not, this all sounds like.

Your dad's like, Mike, I'm having a fucking nightmare with this one. And she keeps winking. Yeah. I'd be dead honest with you. And this was, and I'm not joking about this, that was the problem. After that, she wanted that every time.

And I was like, I had to literally just be shouting at her, like, I cannot make you come every... I've got a headache! Like, every... I'm not well. I'm tired as fuck. I've had a long day! Sheila, I'm tired.

We'll do it in the morning, Sheila! That's right. But... That's high standards high standards too early haven't you well that was it and then she's like well I'm not going to be milked unless I come and then I was like

that can't we can't live this way Sheila he's whipped a cow to completion you know it's like your first Christmas you spend like a grand

and they're like well next Christmas two grand she's like I'm going to pick up my arse next time but I tell you I tell you this

and I'll tell you what people think because i grew up on a dairy farm that's like some innocent like fucking life but it's like there's a there's obviously the sexual elements with these animals you've dispelled that myth already yeah i know because it is quite you get quite carnal at a very young age and you get quite primitive um and lustful i don't want to put anyone off. But also, it was like, you know,

people are like, well, we grew up in a city that was hard. I got, I got stabbed on the farm. Yeah, that's right. By a cow.

No. By a cow's fella. Well, by the bull. By the bull. You may have my bag covered. By the bull. And by the way,

if I wanted to ever die an honourable death, to me would be a bull, like a big male cow, like just fucking absolutely railing me up against the wall yeah just fucking gorging me yeah that's how i'd like to go what's the least manly death on the farm um if you slip to death by chickens like in what way would the chickens i don't know right i just thought of a chicken

kind of pecked a hole in your head kind of yeah that'd be yeah um no i think that i think the most like cowardly ways if you slipped and fell in the slurry tank oh yeah which is just a big pile of shit that we have on the farm you know what i mean i've just done some googling yeah of cow orgasms it's not on the screen right but basically cows don't come during sex yeah so mike has given that cow its first and probably only ever orgasm right which is like thing is though who's on that research maybe they're just not very good in cow beds this is bbc michael rice jr you gave a dairy cow an orgasm before you gave yourself an orgasm yes i did that's impressive yeah not a lot of people can say that, or want to. Right. They haven't wanted to say it. I mean, anyone can say it. The slurry tank is a special form of grim, isn't it?

A slurry tank is a special form of grim. It's a slurry. If you have never been on a farm, there's just a bit. It's not like, there's no signs going, yeah, don't fall in this. This is like 12 feet of shit. Like Pooh Gala or somebody. Or Leeds.

Yeah. Jo Beale is. She just fell in the long drop. Yeah. this is like 12 feet of shit like Pooh girl or somebody or Leeds yeah she just she fell in the long drop yeah oh yeah famous Pooh girl she fell into the toilet into the long drop on the first day as well

she was like three days there was no Pooh there it was fine oh my god yeah she fell into the into the Pooh through the toilet

into the Pooh yeah into just the big hole of poo poo girl and every farm's got one of those yeah well it's like a big olympic swimming pool size of just fucking nothing but shit and my father didn't like to put any fencing around it so like just to kind of make life interesting so uh like he did love like he's addicted to like misery and hardship and just whoa so like he there's no fence around it addicted to like misery and hardship and just woe. So like he,

there's no fence around it. So it was like, we could fall in there. Like dogs fell in there and died. Cows fell in there and died. And it was kind of like just a video game part. Like where it's like, don't go near this lodge.

So. How stoic is that? Yeah. If you lose a child to the slurry tank. Honestly, I think if my father, if he lost child to the slurry tank, he'd,

their partner would be like, you know, just this is the way it needed to be. How can he lose a child to it though? Where's the baby? He's just,

he's crawling towards the slurry tank over there. You're going to stop him? That's natural selection. Well, no, I think he would see that as kind of Darwinism as,

and there was four boys, right? And he only need one of us to take over. So I think he was hoping that three, like the Hunger Games, a that three like the Hunger Games a little bit like

the Hunger Games yeah where are you age wise in the four I'm second but so like joint oldest with my brother Pa

you're joint oldest well that's how I looked at because we're Irish twins so we were kind of seen we were seen as like the top two

fucking pics you know what's Irish twins born within the same year yeah born within the same year yeah born within the same year but like so they were fucking women can get pregnant days after they've shit a baby out thank you for that doctor but so but so there was pa me then my brother nimnog and then whoa yeah nimnog. That sounds racist, doesn't it?

He had that thing where his brain went Chinese, Yong, and he fell in the slurry tank and came out Chinese. We'll name him Nimnog. Yeah. I want to do a joke and I can't do a joke. Okay, right. Just, sorry. Yes. You've got your dad.

Yes. What's your older brother's name? Pa. Pa? Yeah. Then me, then Nimnog, then John. John. just sorry yes you've got your dad what's your older brother's name Pa Pa yeah then me then Nimnug then John

John John's the last one right so and you know what I had a guess there so fucking yeah it's very biblical

other than Nimnug obviously but so no Nimnug's in the bible it's in the Moses isn't it I think I think there was Nimnug parted the slurry pit.

So me and Pat were to join those. So we're kind of, the pressure's on us to be farmers, but we're both absolutely fucking useless. As my father would put it, we didn't have the hands to wipe our arse. You know, we weren't worth shooting. That's what he would say to us.

And it's no joke. Worth shooting. Well, see, because he believed, well, you see, you need to know about my father is what he believes is kind of similar

to Hitler in a way. It's like about breeding, like about genetics. So he felt he'd done his job when he married my mother because she's from land, a farming background, he's from a farming background.

So the children are just going to come out. Super farmers. Super farmers. Welding, fucking don't not do shit and he doesn't have to teach us anything yeah so he would literally when we're like five or six years old he'd like go get an allen key and twist that in and we'd be like he's like go get it and then we come back and he'd be losing you're not worth shooting you know he couldn't believe it he could not believe that we didn't know how to fix a tractor at six years just through breeding he thought you'd be able to be like yeah yeah that's right just plainly surfing over slurry that's absolutely right you can walk the christ to the the slurry pit um so lord and savior the slurry pit so uh but so nimnog then came along and nimnog

now nimnog was just different right what's his real name huh is that his catholic name yeah Nimnog then came along and Nimnog, now Nimnog was just different, right? What's his real name? Huh? Is that his Catholic name? Yeah, Nimnog. Nimnog. How do you spell that? That's what we call him. Right.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. N-I-M-N-U-G. Nimnog. Yeah, they Googled something else earlier. But so, so Nimnog was just a different kind of breed and he was fucking like, just to give you some context He was obsessed with keys right just the keys of everything. He was kind of a... he had a lust for power

Yeah, you have a thing for keys? Stuff on keys. Oh Cocaine I like that myself I did yeah, I'm no can of piss I am worth shooting Is that Stop Is that Is on his birth certificate name That's on his birth certificate

Nimnog Yeah You're going to have to say his real name But is it No Okay We know why you call him that Right

Excellent So So Nimnog was obsessed with keys And he came into the world With this like Kind of succession level Power hungry You know He was a tyrant and he had no interest in the other brothers he thought we were kind of like imbeciles like just useless uh lugs right so he loved talking to mechanics

and stuff and different things and he'd have keys for everything so when we went to town to go into the fucking to like go to the park and stuff he'd go to the hardware store get keys caught he had a key to every single room of the house he had a key to the fucking shed he like go to the park and stuff. He'd go to the hardware store, get keys cut. He had a key to every single room of the house. He had a key to the fucking shed. He had keys to things on the farm. I already don't trust this lad. Yeah. Well, Nimnog certainly was,

there was an ambition. Think about Vittorio level ambition. Oh my God. I really, trying to be a fucking caretaker. Right. Well, he would have seen like groundskeeper Willie,

like that was Valhalla. That was, yeah, he was the go. So he'd have keys to everything, but then he would have seen like groundskeeper Willie, like that was Valhalla. That was, yeah, he was the GOAT. So he'd have keys to everything, but then he would use these keys as a form of discipline, right? To kind of keep control of the house and control of other people's behaviors. So he would have keys to our rooms and we didn't have keys to the room, right? So one morning I got up out of bed. This is no joke. I go to get out of my bedroom door. It's locked, right? I'm like, what the my bedroom door it's locked right I'm like what the fuck

so I start shaking I'm like what's going on Nim Nug was on the other side of the door he's like you shouldn't have eaten all the crisps Mike they were supposed to be divided up equally

fuck it fuck it right I was like what the fuck so I can't get out of my room Nim Nug's got me fucking locked in

now eventually I have to go to school so my parents are like Nim Nug you gotta let him leave fairy tale yeah if you're bad nimnug will lock you in your bedroom nimnug will lock you in my bedroom the problem was that nim like my parents couldn't come down too hard on nimnug or they knew they're going to be locked in the room like tomorrow you know what i mean um so this is not even this is not even a joke.

They didn't have keys either. What? Well, they didn't have keys to all the fucking rooms. Like we didn't, there's no reason to have keys for all these rooms. There is. Right. To wonder a child locking people up. I mean, yeah, they could have,

there could have been more anti-Nimnog measures put in the house. Nimnog deluxe. Like, I will say that, right? But so, anyway, the thing also you need to know about Nimnog is he had this, like, he had this, like, insane, like... It wasn't real, was it? No, lad, Nimnog and Mads McHugh are currently living together. No, so he had this just thing in his head about human rights, right?

About, like, UN, the United Nations thing of human rights, and if his rights were breached, there was, to pay he's always ringing child line how old is he at this point huh how old is he oh nimno could have been like this this started from like the age of like four i'd say with the keys and yeah that's right yeah yeah yeah i mean there was a kind of a I'm going to murder you! I'm going to murder you beyond hours! Yeah, yeah. Flatlander's keys! I mean, there was a kind of a North Korean element to what he was at. You couldn't have known that then, but there was like this weird dictatorial tyranny being put on us. Tim Young Nim? Yeah.

So... So... So, anyway, the thing is, so, right, this all kind of came to a head at one stage in an instant. We now look back at as the siege. So, yeah, no. So what ends up happening, no joke, is Nimnog has done something wrong, right? He's a child and he has misbehaved in some way. I think he might have thrown a cup off the wall or something. He's always had that kind of shit. So he did something a bit mad through a couple of thoughts and my mother took his phone, right? She took his phone as a punishment.

At this stage now, he's maybe 11 or 12 or something. And he saw this now as a massive infringement of his human rights. Like he was whipping out the Geneva Convention and he's like,

that's not right. So he was fucking like absolutely livid about this, right? And he was like, this will not stand, right? So the next morning, my father gets up half six in the morning to go out the farmyard to work, right? And he goes to go out the back door. The back door is locked, right?

He comes back into the kitchen. Nimnog's sitting there waiting for him. He's been in the dark. Yeah. In the dark. I've been expecting you. And so he comes back in

and my father still doesn't really know like what what's going on. Like he's been the door is locked and Nimnog was like I want my phone back.

Right. And he's like what? He's like the doors will be open once I get my phone back. So what it like what he's like the doors will be opened once i get my phone back so what it turned out nimnog has done is he's locked the doors of all uh the exits to the house right he's taken the keys of the jeeps and the car and in the sickest movies locked the toilets to really turn the fucking truth so So, to put pressure on,

I don't know where he's got the tactics for this, right? So, next thing I know, my mother comes down. She's a nurse. She has to go to work. And my mother's... He's 11 now? Yeah. Right. So my mother comes down and she's like, what's going on here? And Nimnug's like,

you bear told the line, fucking. So, next thing anyway, she has to go to work. My father has to go out and milk the cows. There's this fucking stress. And Nimnug's like you bear total line fucking so next thing anyway like she's to go to work my father has to go out and milk the cows there's this fucking stress and Nimnug is just sitting in the chair in the kitchen just absorbing them just being like give us the keys you will never be allowed outside this house for a year and he's like you give me your fucking phone back I will fucking like he was like fucking you know it was like that IRA like Bobby Sands level of fucking I will not be moved right just throwing shit on the walls he's, you know, it was like that IRA, like Bobby Sands level of fucking, I will not die, move, right? Just throwing shit on the walls.

He's fucking, you know. So he's just going nuts. It's this mad thing. And we're just all like just eating our cocoa pops. We're like, this is good fun. So, but next thing, like my parents just have to give in because they have to go to work and stuff. So they just have to give Nimnog back the phone. And Nimnog was like putting out his hands. He like a deal is a deal right we're making a deal

here so the parents give it uh back to him he gets the phone and then in Nimnog's mind he's done a deal under the like Geneva convention under all these laws this deal cannot be you know gone back upon or undermined so he gets the thing he says thank you for the thing and now we can move on like obviously as soon as they got the keys they were like you fucking little bastard right he was like we did a deal so he couldn't believe it right now so this all leads up to uh this all leads up and i have to stress as well he's a great lad he's a great lad he's he's fucking he's running our farm he's a he's a great man uh is he is he a farmer yeah he sounds like he should have ended up at like kill kenny prison yeah yeah yeah yeah but he but you know he's he's an absolutely he's absolutely great lad at the farm in general like everything it was chaos growing up like he's not to be uh

he's not to be blamed but so what where this ends up going then is that years later, me and him are sharing a Jeep. He starts driving a 17. I'm 19, right? So we're sharing the same Jeep to drive around. Now, this is the first time he's ever had to share a key, right? That's never had to happen before. And that, as you might imagine,

doesn't really sit that well with Nimnog, right? So one day I'm out in the milking parlor just milking the cows uh with my father cows shitting in your mouth you've seen as it does ah uh you learn to like it and um so we're out there i learned to need it but um so we're out there and i have to go play five a side so i come into the house and like i need to go uh i need to go i'm in a bit of a hurry go to get keys keys aren't there i was like who is the keys the jeep nimnog's like i have the keys mike like can i get keys off you there now nimnog nimnog's like not tonight mike i was like what give me the fucking keys i have to fucking go to thing he's like not tonight mike no way that's like where are you

going he's like none of your business i don't even think he was going anywhere just the keys were not being given so i goes to grab money he a chair, right, and he just turns the legs of the chair at me, he's like, get the fuck back, don't make another move, right, I was like, what the fuck, so then he throws the chair at me, right, and just baits it down the farmyard to talk to my father about the keys, to make his fucking case for the keys, but on the way way he stops off in the workshop and grabs a stanley knife right now i didn't know this so i run out after him i throw my hand on his shoulder and he just turns around and just right he cuts me there and there right can i just double check this is the same man that minutes ago you described as a good man. He's a great man. He's a great man.

This was a lapse. This was a blip. But he is, right? So anyway, next thing. In front of your dad? No, because we haven't got to my dad yet. We're going across the farmyard. So then this happens, and which in one of the more insane moves,

he continues his journey on to my father, thinking his case for the keys is going to be unaffected by the stabbing of his brother so then uh so i go in after anyway and when i go in he's there with my dad he's just like the keys i have bags to stories to think and they look at me i'm coming up after blood coming out me and he turns and looks at me and looks at my father and just said now this is a separate issue so i come in after and anyway i grab him i'm fucking you know uh furious or whatever but then later after uh we were in the kitchen and uh we're in the kitchen and i was like to my mother i was like we have to

fucking do something about this this is fucking you know someone's gonna be killed blah blah blah you know what I mean and she's like I don't think she you she's trying to kind of say you know say that it wasn't so bad and stuff because he's really good at piano and she loves that like he's amazing Is that a redeeming feature? St stab someone but he's got the piano yeah Broderick might stab you but listen to the fucking keys yeah

but that is kind of it it's the price you pay Mike yeah it is for genius you're not going to get anyone that's as great at piano and doesn't stab people so but and he was

at this point so I was like there has to be something done he was like marching outside the back and he just shouts in he's like I should have finished off

when I had the fucking chance and this guy's real yeah Nimnug he's a great man he's a great man get him on as well yeah

but now he's now he's now he's running the show I want to see Nimnug and Dr. Cafford have a fight is he on the spectrum because I feel like

he's a Dr. Cafford kind of fight to the death. Is he on the spectrum? Huh? Because I feel like he's a Dr. Cafford kind of guy. He's not really because he's super capable and he's a great... No, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But they often are.

Are they? Is Cafford running a business of some sort? He runs a Dr. Cedric. I mean, Rain Man, you know, he's fucking in the casino. I mean, your brother, I mean, I'm sure he's fucking in the casino I mean

your brother I mean I'm sure he'll never be tested yeah but the Keys thing especially yeah he is severely he's not on the spectrum

he is the spectrum he is the spectrum grade 8 piano and stabbings is a weird combo isn't it yeah it is but I can't stress enough a great great

he's a good lad oh he's the best lad like now he just had he had anger issues when he was younger but to be fair we were all just baiting

like we were all you know we were all just it was it was like the last days of Rome on that farm you know

everything was just fucking gone out the window but and you say you can't sleep like with all of this shit

yeah because that's obviously when I'm sleeping you know there's a lot of like uh like flashbacks to that the sad thing is he'll never be able to get a doctor's appointment because he can't ring up and do the line you think about stabbing anyone i've got to be honest too late for that i often am yeah but i got out there because i was like when i was home on the the farm i was like you know i was like i just need to fucking i just need to get out and i got that's where i that's

why stand-up was like my way out of like you know i moved to uh america um you lived or you didn't live there adam but you want to live there isn't it i i mean i might end up doing a bit of time then eventually but but yeah. Yeah. Two to three years. It's great. Do you find yourself feeling more loved there? Do you mean?

Do you feel like, like I felt when I went there first, I was like, this is- When were you in Chicago, Mike? Huh? Were you in Chicago? I was in Chicago, yeah. I just visited back there in September, actually. I had my fucking,

this is a story actually when I was just back. I had my first threesome ever in September, actually. I had my fucking, this is a story actually when I was just back. I had my first threesome ever in September. And it was with my best friend, my best friend, Jimmy O'Brien. And this is something now that would never happen.

Who? Huh? Jimmy O'Brien. Jimmy O'Brien. Jimmy O'Brien. Jimmy O'Brien, yeah. So. Who was the third participant?

Huh? Nim Nug. His dog. Put the key, see it ass. Yeah. Me? Huh? Nimnug. His dog. Put the case to your arse. Yeah. Me, Jimmy and Nimnug. Just checking if you've got diarrhea, Nimnug. Yeah.

Oh, good lord. Jimmy's gonna help. Just hitting him with a stick. So... So... What happened was... have you ever anyone i'd never done that in like a before myself you have you that is two but you were two women i'd say were you no no women huh like you were with two women and dan yeah no no two men yeah just two men ah i fucked a guy but we were thinking about women yeah so that was the third person yeah yeah yeah no two two yeah two of us

and a lady yeah so i i don't know it kind of got forced uh upon us in a way because it was with my friend we're always like competing over the fucking the same women like because we're always hanging around the same so we're always

it's this thing we're always like and it's like makes us hate each other each other at times so we were there it was after this show in Chicago

and this lovely lady there she is big boobies and other stuff and she was yeah she was yeah big fucking

that's the thing now isn't it people are liking jacked ones like fucking yeah he likes giants traps

giants come on yeah he likes WNBA players oh look at you you big centre yeah

yeah you could dunk you want someone who can dunk really I shagged Lewis dunk the Brighton centre now he's big as well but

so you're one anyway so anyway I'm chatting to your I'm chatting to your one I'm like oh this is great I go to Tyler I come back he's chatting to her

and then she goes off I said well just fucking leave her to me now will ya and he was like whichever fuck off will ya you cunt

so anyway next thing tell your friends yeah next thing next thing we're at the end of the night She said, well, just fucking leave her to me now, will you? And he was like, whichever, fuck off, will you? You cunt. So anyway, next thing. Tell your friends. Yeah. Next thing we're at the end of the night, it's the three of us. Just the three of us. Just two of us just hang around her, you know? And she's like, oh, let's go to this 5 a.m. bar.

I'm looking at her, I'm like, would you ever just fuck off, right? So anyway, we go to the 5 a.m. bar. And we're chatting away to her. And the both of us are kind of looking at each other like, you know? So she goes off to the toilet. And she says to him, Shaluk, well, we both just tried to shag her, you know. And he says, Shaluk will say it to her anyway. So she comes back, right? And she sits down and I said to her, look, we were talking there now. And we were thinking, Shaluk, maybe we'd boat check you.

I don't know if that would kind of float your boat or what. What a way to propose a reason. We were thinking, you know, don't know where to go. Let's float your boat. We're thinking we'd boat check you. I don't know where your mind's been going with this whole thing, but we thought it'd be nice if we both were inside you at some point tonight. So anyway, she was just like

she was like yeah sure I was like fucking god bless America you know Iraq just like Iraq was a good thing

and fuck him this wasn't happening back on the farm no absolutely not you'd have to be baiting ones for an hour for him to

anyway so anyway getting him nugged till that old three you win yeah you'd have to be baiting ones for an hour for him to, anyway, so, anyway, so, so, so, anyway, though, because I don't know what,

the way he had it, but you're like, we have to have a thing where I was just like, listen now, fucking Jimmy, for fuck's sake. Now, if we're going to be doing this,

let's not be putting Anton up each other's assholes here. We don't, we don't, I didn't, I didn't need that conversation with my friend i think no i had to say it anyway but i was like listen we don't want to fall in love or anything so um so that's the last thing i want happening here so so nothing like that happened right the only thing that happened during the threesome is at one point I was riding your one and my dick slipped out and Jimmy put it back in.

Now, now, I'll be honest, I'll be honest. I didn't even see him do it. Adam, come back. I didn't even see him do it Adam come back Like I didn't see him do it I didn't see him do it Cause

Right I was I was riding your one Right And she So I was riding your one And she was on top of me lad Oh he's gone to get a Corona

Fucking nice He's gone to get a I was going nice. He's got a big knife. He's gone to get a... Whoa! I thought he was going to come in and go full fucking nimnog. Finn, can you get me a beer, please? I'm off doing that, Sean.

I'll get one as well. Finn, I'd love one as well. Big Mike over here. So... How was I not expecting that line? Yeah. Like, I knew the story. I knew what was going on.

Yeah. So I'll just tell you now because this thing, I didn't see him do it. So it was very like confusing, right? Because you're one. So she was on top, like of me.

And I was like, you know, happy as Larry, you know what I mean? Like a pig and shit. And next thing, just my dick goes out and then it gets put back in,

right? But like, her hands didn't move. Of course it didn't move But, like, her hands didn't move. Of course it didn't move. Yeah, and my hands didn't move when the dick got put back in. So, like, for a split second, like, I was like... Magic dick?

Oh, God, or, you know... You thought it was the hand of Jesus? Or Christ, or whatever. It was Jimmy. Because then it happened again, and I was like, that's not... He did it twice. Yeah, and the second time, I was like that's not he did it twice yeah

and the second time I was like like that it came into my head like that's not Jesus like that's the hand of a sinner you know

like that's that's that's my best friend Jimmy O'Brien son of Tom the Butcher you know so I

so anyway but lads I swear to God the second time He did it Like He did it so quick

Like it just came out And he just That I was like Like that's That's what he's focused on Back there You know Hang on

What was he doing Was he just I'll tell you now Was he just technical support Well he was like Just a Wimbledon ball boy Putting it right back Where it was

That's exactly right He's giving you The fucking sticks Yeah lad This one Bam up an arse Well that's right Well he he was like just a Wimbledon ball boy. Like a Snoop Dogg referee putting it right back where it was. That's exactly right. He's giving you the fucking sticks. Yeah, like this one, bam up an arse. Well, that's right. Well, he was just like, if you think of like, say, like the focus of a Wimbledon ball, but he's just watching and then, you know, and then he's back and he's watching. And wearing a skirt. Was he part of the threesome or was he just-

So this is what happened. And I didn't realise at the time, right, what happened. She had said to him, she had given him a task, a mission. She had said to him, she said, Jimmy, listen, what you do now, I'm on top. And I was just riding and she just turned to him and she just goes, like, you put it in my bum, right? So anyway, he goes back there.

That's a cruel task to give a man. You know, in that position, there's no Lou Brown and it's a moving target. So he goes back and he kind of gives it a try for a while and then it's just not he just can't get a clear shot he can't get a clear shot he's you know he's shimmying but we we've also done a lot of drinking and and drugging and whatnot so he's just you know and he just said you know what this is not my dance and i'm just gonna fucking watch and i just going to fucking be a good friend here. That's the best friend

you're ever going to have. Yeah. Someone will just say, after I fucking came, I felt like a fucking jazz musician. I was like, give it up for Jimmy on the ones and twos back there.

Give it up for Jimmy. My God. Especially when he cleaned it up. Jesus Christ. There's nothing to clean up oh yeah but so so that happened and then uh and that night i was going to new york and i said i ended up fucking losing my what the whole thing my wallet and i was like it was a fucking haze but then i because we had been fairly fucked like when i met him again we didn't speak once about it either and then like when we met like 10 days later we were back in uh dublin and uh and i was like did i imagine that happening

or did he grab me flute like several times and put it back in so he says i was like lad did this do you know when we did the thing were you grabbing my cock and putting it back inside your wand and he was like oh fuck yeah he was like I feel bad about that now I was like no no no it'll be great now be a great story you know but it was a mad

thing to have I mean we don't talk anymore but um you haven't had a threesome by the way have I not? no I think you've cuckolded someone who wasn't in a relationship you've had a threesome, by the way. Have I not? No, no. I think you witnessed. Yeah. You cuckolded someone who wasn't in a relationship. You've had a twosome with tech help.

Right. Right. Yeah. But I think, though, I think that fucking if you know, because that that was that part of the thing. But there was other times where we were both where we were both involved. Right. That was just a particular. That was just a stage of the thing but there was other times where we were both oh where we were both involved right that was just a particular that was just stage of the whole thing you know what i mean but like america i don't know like i before i went there first like

i was a fucking i was an innocent i was a good good girl and it and it it turned me bad it like turned me into a little heathen on coke and you know because i was gone i got corrupted by i don't want to say she was like a wizardess but she was a witch she was some sort of yeah she's a this hippie hippie lady she was she was 33 years old i was 25 at the time and she was some sort of a spell i'll tell you what happened actually i did fucking i did fucking dmt right? The drug one time. And this was before I met her. And I had this vision of like an Indian lady with like just doing like I did

and just like light just... And light just absolutely blasting out of her vagina. Now, this was my vision. Now, if that was racist, that's not conscious. So that's the DMT. That's the drugs fault, right right but there was just light just straight out of her vagina right and then I was like what the fuck so next thing a few weeks later I meet this Indian lady and she's 33 and I had been like kind of fucking weird about sex I did

puberty late I was awkward with it I was you know what I mean I hurt one of my balls trying to push it down and so So she anyway Just takes me under her wing And she's like Just feeding me like spices And whispering in my ear She was a fire dancer And she had all these ideas

She'd feed me like kombucha And just like Putting pesto You know Like On the back of my neck I was like Oh

You know But And tried Yeah But like I was kind of under this Like weird I was in this weird Kind of fever dream

She was doing a massage eating a bagel and just swill that yes like no that's meant to happen rub that in that's right garlic mayo on your face

yes yes but it was all it was all quite odd and pagan and primitive and you know from another time

and then and then like one day this is this is where it got fucking like weird so I was riding around I was having sex and I hadn't had much sex

at that point by 24 I'd fucked shagged fuck all right and I was there and I was shagging away doing a good I was in and out the whole shebang

and next thing I'm about to finish right so I just I finish on her belly there you know and she says she looks at me

and she just said lick it up i was like i will not like both my parents both both my parents are still alive i can't be doing that you know and um so uh so next thing anyway she she goes, lick it up. I said, will you go away or as bowels a pig? I can't, what the hell do you think this is, the circus, you know? So next thing she says to me, right? She says, no, she said, you don't understand. It's good for you.

It recycles your natural antibodies. It restores your natural essence. It's yogic. It's very, very yogic. And I said, like, like yoga. She's like, yeah, now quick, get up before it gets cold. And for some reason,

that triggered me. Because I was like, I better get it while it's good. Like, I don't want it to get cold. That'd be fucking disgusting, you know? So I crawled towards it, like Andy Dufresne in the shawshank i just kind of and and i ate it up i ate it up and i've never felt further from christ i'll tell you that um

i did i lads i could fucking i had my own children die in my mouth this is like the battle of the psalm for my for myself you know yeah and even yeah and even now i think back on it and i'm like because i don't like i don't uh i when people ask me do i did i have i ever done yoga i'm like well not the stretches but i've certainly eaten my own cum if that's what you mean you know you needed Jimmy O'Brien for that last one yeah that's what you mean hot yoga yeah

but so have you ever have you ever had a taste now you have come on only accidentally accidentally I had a wine can come in my own mouth I come on my light bulb last week

you did not I did you've got an absolute cannon when I'm lubed up, it is a shotgun. Yeah. Yeah. Can we have a break?

Yeah, please. We're going to need to because we've done an hour and three. Oh. You should have brought some stories, mate. I don't know.

Next time you do a podcast, I'm not telling you how to do it because your podcast is great. You need more stories. Right. Just next time. Yeah, yeah.

Next time I'll come in loaded wasn't expecting to have a beer today but you you forced it yeah I feel good about that I don't know

it took took over like took us over took us over what do I mean came over came over us

well I just filth I've just come in with filth haven't I no it's the bit about you me putting your cock back in a woman't I no it's the bit about your mate putting your cock back in

a woman's vagina yeah it was it was it was but when you when you had the when you had

the the devil's treason as they call it in biblical terms did you was there any kind of was there any horse play between you and

your your companion no no the Eiffel Tower yeah I don't we never me me and the lad Was there any kind of, was there any horseplay between you and your companion? No. No. The Eiffel Tower? Yeah.

We never, me and the lad who had the, we never had to have a little, can you give us two seconds, love? We just need to set out, you know, the king's rules on this. Right. It was just understood. I just gave him a look that was like,

don't bum me. And he was like, understood. Yeah, right. And men know that look. Yeah. Yes. Like this look. Yeah.

And he kind of reluctantly like, what are you doing back there, lad? Yeah. Before, when I was chatting, you said your, I said,

where are you staying while you're in Liverpool? Your answer was with a Japanese family. I'm staying with a bloody Japanese family. I am. I'm not sure. I didn't know it at the time,

but I came in last night because I came in late last night because after we did that gig at Hot Water, I actually went to that kebab place that you'd come in with some kebab from. Shiraz.

Yeah. Yeah. Barbecue house. And I came in and got some kebab there and then I had this absolute fucking debacle with an Uber

where there's another shiraz did you know that yeah there's loads so well this fucking idiot didn't know that so i get him to come to shiraz he's like i'm here he's 15 minutes away so then he's like add in the location of where you are so i add in hot water comedy club then he drives to where he's meant to be dropping me off to japanese people's house they come out with their swords and stuff he runs comes up um so and then so he's waiting for 45 minutes for this fucking uber and then he gets how our comedy club and he's not even there he's like he's like i can't see it i'm like there's a sign outside and i get in the fucking thing he's laughing for some reason turns out he's fucking trying to be

studying to be a cloud architect what the fuck is that and anyway drops me back again i didn't know they were japanese uh people um which i've no i'm am i making out time i've no issue with that by the way but i came in and the guy was not happy so it was uh toki and yoko yoki. I'm not, this is, what the, these are the names, Dan. I didn't make the names. I didn't ask them to be called this,

but he opens the door anyway and sure, like, obviously, he was just like, you know, in, and then like,

Was he Scouse Japanese or full Japanese? No, no, no, no. He's like fucking Pearl Harbor.

He's, where Pearl Harbor. He's Where are you staying? What? Where? Penny Lane, up around fucking Penny Lane is Japanese.

Da, da, da, da. Sushi, do, do, do. Japanese food. Da, da, da. Kamikaze pilots were fun. Anyway. Yanny Lane. Huh?

Yanny Lane. Yeah, Yanny Lane. So, anyway, I was in, but I go up to the stairs. Sorry, that's Don't Bummy. Yenny Lane Yeah Yenny Lane So anyway I didn't But I go up to The stairs Sorry that's Don't bum me

Yeah What's Yenny I don't Yen is the Japanese Oh fuck I'm as thick as shit I'm dumb

That was good I didn't give you The credit So I thought it was Being racist Yeah That's why I was like

Really Really I would say Lenny lane yeah if i was being racist yeah i i tell you though uh so i went to go up the stairs then with my shoes on and your man nearly had a fucking heart attack oh yeah oh yeah son crouching tiger hidden yoki fucking get back down i was like oh. Put them in the gen can? Yeah. And then I was like, Do you know Mike,

we have hotels over here. Huh? We have hotels now. For 30 pounds a night? Yeah. Do you? On the cheap points. Probably, I reckon.

Are you on Japanese Airbnb? No, it's Eurovision weekend, so everywhere's chocker. Oh. The only place left is Japanese Airbnb. Anyway, I was just like, you know,

there was a vibe in there, like if I left skid marks on the ball, I'd be waking up with i you know like you know i'm fucking done for but i tell you it's not my worst airbnb uh situation i got catfished airbnb catfished in perth australia because i went to stay with this lady now it said the lady on on the advertisement said her name was prati. She was 27 years old, loved making tea. And I said, by God, I've been inside of Indian women before. I'll stay with her and I'll probably end up lying on top

for a couple of times and we'll have the best of time. So like... Eating your own jizz. Huh? Eating your own jizz. And I will eat my own bloody jizz, Dan. Yes. Because I know that that's something that helps them for some reason um so I goes over anyway to say which one who comes out the door this big like huge old Indian woman and I was like where's uh Prati she she was like that's my daughter she's like

and she didn't sound like that but she's like that's she's like that's my daughter and and she's like she's gone she's like take your shoes off I was like oh fuck so now I'm in staying with this one

I don't want to lie on top of her at all Carol she's not she's a disgrace right and no offence but

no offence no you're a disgrace your daughter is fit and you're a disgrace but a nice don't shag her you

say B&B well don't shag her, you. It's her being beat. don't shag her. And I fucked your daughter. I'm not fucking you, you disgrace. No offence. Yeah, no offence. I'm going to take your shoes off.

I hit the Johnny already on. I was out there and I... I said, for fuck's sake. So, anyway, but she was too old

to have a child so I could raw dog her. That was the only thing. No. So, no. anyway but she was too old to have a child so I could raw dog her that was the only thing that no so no rewind oh I'm I'll be

I won't be allowed be buried beside a church but I so I goes in anyway and she's so lads

she's so mean to me for like a month she's just so and she's she's like she's fucking mean to me for like a month she's just so and she's she's like she's fucking racist as fuck right like yeah but she used to do this thing like she'd go she'd i'd go into the toilet and i'd use the toilet and then she'd shout at me and she'd be like come in here i'd go in there

and she'd point at the toilet and there'd be like a hair on the toilet bowl and she was like you are disgusting you are a disgusting pig I swear on my life and I'd be like oh I'm sorry like she had me she was in my head and I was like I'm no good

I was in my room I'm like I'm no good I'm filth right and then she was always like she was just always watching Dawson's Creek like just that's all she watched

what a racist bitch she would lie well obviously that's a white supremacist show so she would she would lie on her side on the couch like this, just watching Dawson's Creek. And you know the theme tune, like, I Don't Want to Wait,

and she'd be singing along with it. I don't want to wait. Like, just lying on her side. And then she was, Dan, look at me. And she was, so. It was when you sang the Dawson's Creek theme tune in her voice. But I'm just, that's what it sounded like it would

if I say I don't want to wait that's not what it was oh no yeah yeah yeah so then oh then it's fine but then she was always as well

she was always just farting like the loudest just rippers and she was just like on her side just blasting them into the fucking kitchen and then she was like

and I swear to god she was like my doctor told me I have to she's like to fart like that's bad for her to hold in the fucking gas you know so she was like and I swear to God she was like my doctor told me I have to she's like to fart like that's bad for her to hold

in the fucking gas you know so I was like alright whatever next thing she would have her fucking her friend Margaret

this little blonde one you know little fucking like blonde fucking perm just full of fucking piss and vinegar would come over

from another house and they'd play connect four and be racist about Aborigines so she would come over and be racist about aborigines so she would come over and be doing that and then um uh but then margaret would like because like piassi's indian she came from like margaret would come out and she'd just complain to the next person about

piassi you know like i mean it was just a a cycle but um her daughter did come then at one stage to visit and it turns out she didn't want to fuck me at all. What a waste of time. Yeah, it was a waste of time. Yeah. It was a fucking pain in the arse. But like you would stay,

you're not staying in Airbnb, you're staying in like a big hotel, would you? Not on Eurovision weekend. Finn, have you got any questions? Oh God. Yeah.

Yeah, we've got to have a word we'll just do that and then we'll yeah yeah let's go mike wow in fact this theme tune is boring i don't want to wait for my life to be over this is from louis or lewis mcdonald uh so all right lids could you have a word with my mate let's call him warbo or his girlfriend warbo's been with his girlfriend in australia for many years in a longer distance relationship so doesn't see her that often warbo loves a bit of dabble on the dancing powder and the disco biscuit but his birds like the drug

gestapo and doesn't think he's ever touched a drug in his life we're all going on holiday next year to hide out which is going to be seven days of us getting off our tits and they're both coming and he's told her don't be shocked if she sees us doing drugs but he's not touching any have a word with him for being a shithouse not telling his bird the truth or have a word with her for being a taurine judging people for what they do in their own free time. They're just not going to last. They're just not going to last. That's a deal-breaker for her, and he's just going to... He's lied.

Yeah, they're just not going to last. I know someone that he's done, he's been in a relationship a decade, and that person doesn't know he does drugs. You're talking about you. I've seen the eight minutes you were on drugs and it was pretty bad

yeah it's possible to lie they're not going to last it's just going to end if you're comfortable lying about something that big for that long you'd end up just lying about it but then would you say to him just tell her I'm going to do this if you're okay with it he's got to come clean and go look

I know you ate this which is why I've lied about it I'd do it I'm going to continue this if you're okay with it. He's got to come clean and go, look, I know you ate this, which is why I've lied about it. I do it. I'm going to continue to do it because he is. I'd like you to do it. He should invite her into the fun. Like obviously, because if she does it once, that's all she wrote.

Maybe she just goes, oh my God, drugs are great. They're really good fun. Well, have you ever met anyone that's done like MDMA once that's like, drugs are great. Yeah. They're really good fun. Well, have you ever met anyone that's done like MDMA once that's like, drugs are terrible? No, it's because it's people that have never done them. I thought they were bad till I did them.

And now I know they're the answer. They're the cure. This whole thing is set up on a lie and that's on Warbow, isn't it? Maybe she's anti-drugs, but you are allowed to be someone who's like i don't like drugs you're allowed to be someone who's like i hate alcohol for whatever reason and then if you meet someone and they're like yeah so do i so do i who's whose fault is that that's the person who's coming to that relationship lying she sounds yeah tight and

wound up like laura is now not happy with me doing drugs but that's because she was sound and gave me free range and i fucked that up so now she has a right to be like yeah well that stressed me out and i'm worried about you so that's a totally different setup isn't it this one is she's just doesn't like yeah either get her on the drugs or you have to be more honest spike or maybe yeah maybe is that yeah at home but like and but and then but like in a kind of a chill way and just be like listen i know you're going to panic for a minute but there was some xc in that and then be like i'm not going to talk to you till you come up and then lock her in room but then when she comes up then have the chat and then be like yeah she'll love you then or she'll be absolutely delighted

no then you go you go are you on drugs and she goes what and you go you're on drugs I'll do them as well then

yeah right I'll do them and actually I've got a time machine I'm gonna go back and do them for 10 years what the fuck

are they doing going to a festival where he loves getting on it and he's like yeah she's coming and I'm gonna pretend she doesn't think it's a problem does she she doesn on it and he's like, yes, she's coming and I'm going to pretend. Because she doesn't think it's a problem, does she? She doesn't know.

So she's like, can I come? And he can't go, no! But how has he got himself in this situation where he's like, all his wreckhead mates are going. He's definitely one of going to do it. And then Susan's coming and she's fucking dry. That's going to be, I want the report of how this goes, this festival,

when it happens. Come clean. Could you email in whoever, is it Lewis? Lewis or Louis, I don't know which one. Lewis, email in after. I want to know how this pans out.

Yeah. Your life would be a lot better if you just fucking, like anytime you get into this pattern of like lying about these things, it's always weighing in you, I find. It's just like fucking, tell her, because that's who you are.

So then the you that she likes is a fucking lie. That's not even you. It's just some fucking bullshit version you're putting so she'll keep sucking your kiak. Kiak. Kiak. Fucking kiak. I think that's it. There we go. Solved. version you're putting so she'll keep sucking your kiaq kiaq fucking kiaq there we go podcast done I'm on tour

adamro.co.uk Dan's on tour dannightingale.com the podcast is on tour haveawirdlive.com we've got a patreon patreon.com slash haveawirdpod Mike where can they find you Mike and Vittorio's guide to parenting I have a podcast with Vittorio Angeloni

it's fucking brilliant yeah it's good I have another one with a great Irish comedian called Rob Moriarty it's called Big Mike and the Chief and then just Instagram and stuff and there'll be a special coming out in the next month or two as well lovely Finn song

that was very... Players out. So this is a band... Her eyes, they shone like diamonds. Can you have them? I thought her the queen of the land. Her hair went over her shoulder. Tied up in a black velvet band. Some people say I fight like me da.

It's the Dubliners. It's the Dubliners. A new band from Ireland called the Dubliners. Giving them a chance. This is Ask Elliot with Bending Over Backwards. Shite.

That's Carl's opinion. It's kind of Irish folk. Yeah. Drum and bass. If you really want it to be. Scar. Press the button. Enjoy this song

appreciate you lads bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye I'm trying to be just how you want it. You know I always try my hardest. But it's never enough. And now I'm running around again. Trying to make amends. It's always how it ends. So are we trying to sink or swim? Right now I'm drowning. I guess it's how it ends

But I've been bending over backwards for ya Breaking my neck so I could be good enough for you Yeah, I've been bending over backwards for ya Breaking my neck so I could prove myself to you I'm sorry that I didn't call you My head's a mess and you just caught me falling through I think there's something I should tell you I'll never be just how you want it, but I'll try to And now I'm running around again, trying to make amends

It's always how it ends So are we trying to sink or swim? Right now I'm drowning, I guess it's how it ends But I've been bending over backwards for ya Breaking my neck so I could be good enough for you Yeah, I've been bending over backwards for ya Breaking my neck so I could prove myself to you And I tried so hard but we never get far I'd crash this car if that was what you want

But I've been bending over backwards for ya Breaking my neck so I could be good enough for you Yeah, I've been bending over backwards for ya Breaking my neck so I could prove myself to you Yeah, I've been bending over backwards for ya Breaking my neck so I could be good enough for you you you