Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #229 with Stephen Bailey - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: June 18, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukDan's Previews | https://danspreviews.comComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsGet tickets for Finn's Liverpool gig (24th June): https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Android Homme | https://androidhomme.co.ukGet 20% off site wide with the promo code 'WORD20' at checkoutCalm | https://calm.com/wordGet 40% off a Calm Premium Subscription with unlimited access to Calm’s entire libraryManscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastStephen Baileyhttps://twitter.com/stephencomedyhttps://instagram.com/stephencomedyADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to this episode of the Have A Word Podcast. How are we, lads? We've got some stuff to tell you about. Before we tell you anything, we're live in Dublin. A live podcast in Dublin, Thursday, the 6th of July. We've got some guests for you. Do you want to know who's on? Why don't you tell them who's on, Dan, or do you want me to tell them? What way do you want to do this?

I'll do one, you do the other. Okay. With my first pick, I'm going Darren Conway. Darren Conway, local legend to the Dublin area. Irish hero. A man of the people. And he's going to be joining us for the podcast section in Dublin. Also joining us for the podcast section

and doing a little bit of stand-up is local legend Willa White. I met this lad in January when I was over at the Laughter Lounge. He's absolutely fucking brilliant. And we're very, very, very excited to have both of them. them have a word live.com that's where you get your tickets for the live shows we're very excited glasgow's nearly sold out dublin there's a couple of hundred tickets left and now that these two guests have been announced they're gonna go quickly go to have a word live.com and book your tickets now also we've got the biggest patron in the uk one of the biggest in the world you know why because it's the best and it's value.

If you love Have A Word, sign up to patreon.com slash haveawordpod for as little as £3 a month. You get some good shit, Adam. You get early access to these public episodes. You get an extra episode exclusive to Patreon every single week. And you get access to the entire back castle,

not just of those Patreon-exclusive episodes, but the Patreon specials, every lock-in we've ever done. Nashville, the Amsterdam special, the ghost hunts. There's so many things there. There's hundreds of hours of content. And you get it all for three quid. Go and sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod now and see why we are the best Patreon in the world, pound for pound.

You know it, baby. Wag wag leads. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. From the heart of Liverpool, with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist groomer. Go, Ed, get on me groomer. Go, Ed. Get on me. Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Oh, it's nice to see you guys. I've missed you. I've missed you. It's been four out of five days. Nine hours. Yeah, it's been nine beautiful hours with my hotel roommate, Finlay Cupboard Love. Did you have sex in the hotel? So last night was our live show in Newcastle.

We're recording this the day after so that you still get an episode while we're all on holiday in Tenerife. Dan and Finn shared a hotel room. For no reason. For no reason. It was 53 quid a room. I don't know why I got tight.

We're not like, we're not like that with the company cards. How tight did you get? If you know what I mean. Why didn't you just get another one when you got there do you mean personal relationship why didn't you just get

another room when you got there I thought about it just couldn't be arsed I was too tired that was great couldn't be arsed oh nice drove down from Newcastle

to Weatherby Services that took about an hour and 15 minutes I was absolutely Romeo Dawn we've driven from there this morning dropped Will Hutchby off which was a mistake

I thought he was coming into the studio fucking dropping him off because I love him to his door which no one else would get that service you would leave and yeah just

we shared a room but my god Finn is just so easy he just goes to sleep there's no noise there's a little bit of crying easy for what? I'm easy.

Just easy roommate. I'm a good mate for it. Ooh. Oh, yeah. Don't you join in on the joke. I am worried that you two are going to fuck or something. Yeah, and it would ruin it

because you would genuinely ruin our career. So don't. Is that how homophobic you are that I can't share a room with Finn? No, you're in a position of power. Oh, no. No, you're definitely going to fuck. It's not homophobic.

Who was sharing who? I've got no problem with you and another man having a heterosexual relationship. You just definitely going to fuck him. It's not homophobic. Who was shouting who? I've got no problem with you and another man having a heterosexual relationship. You just can't be grooming a Turkish woman. What? You're in a position of power? What? What?

Did I say heterosexual? I meant consensual. You're in a position of power. Oh, I'm not fucking him until he's transitioned. To full tech. Full tech. Show me your passport I'm seven weeks

away from having my teeth finitoed give us a give us a smile no I think it's more than seven weeks mate

no can you do that quick really yeah but I'm getting a composite bonding on them so

oh my god full coverage composite bonding top and bottom like Tom Cruise's better looking mate Tom Cruise has got bad teeth of Bonding on them. Oh my God. Full coverage compass of Bonding top and bottom. We're going to look like Tom Cruise's better looking mate. Tom Cruise has got bad teeth.

Have you seen his tooth? That's why I changed it halfway through the call. Through the middle of his head. Have you seen that? He's got a tooth coming out the middle of his face, hasn't he? Yeah.

What? Have you ever seen that? Tom Cruise's middle tooth. He's got a middle tooth. He hasn't got two middle teeth. Oh, he's got like a... Yeah, it's in the middle of his head. Like a McLaren.

It's so weird right is that something you can't get fixed have you just noticed what the he's just got one tooth in the middle of his head i'm gonna put this he's got other teeth so you made him yeah it's like a tin opener he's only got one tooth right in the middle of his head wow it's hard to can't unsee it is the telly on yeah

but it's only small oh yeah here we go look at that oh it's just slightly off to the side isn't it he's got normal teeth

it's just they're all just slightly off a bit it's weird isn't it it looks like he's got drift on his teeth but he had terrible teeth when he was young

so that's restructured isn in it oh is the yeah yeah there's a there's a yeah yeah yeah he had some bad i thought that was like makeup or something i think he had some terrible teeth he's he's done well on he tom cruise in terms of like where he started where he started teeth wise he's five foot two and lies about it he's got terrible fucking tags does his own stunts no one can say tom cruise without saying scientology and he does his own stunts what do you think about the church of scientology i don't know enough about it but they sound

fucking batshit mate i think they're the best one but i tell you this if the primary school round our way was scientology etta would be a scientologist because i'm a lazy motherfucker don't care she'd be going there that'd be great scientology primary schools they get their own our way was Scientology, Etta would be a Scientologist because I'm a lazy motherfucker. Don't care. She'd be going there. That'd be great, Scientology primary schools. They get their own planet when they die. Okay, crazy ladies. Bye-bye. Do you get your own seat? That makes more sense than like Christians, though, doesn't it? Yeah.

You just float up and you get to see your nan again and God's Day and making tea and biscuits. No, it's all made-up bullshit. It's just a different version of made-up bullshit. But that's real. There are planets and you could have one. What? You could have your own planet. You can't float into the pearly gates and see an old dog.

Right. I mean, you can do neither. That's the thing, isn't it? No, but that's more believable. Why? Because you float to a planet. I'm becoming more spiritual as time goes on. Which planet is that?

That's your Auntie Bev. Yeah. A racist planet. In what sense, Adam? I'm becoming more spiritual as time goes on. I just i believe more in a higher power a higher power after life life after love yeah do you believe in yeah um and golf that's the higher power in it yeah he put uh he sold his soul to the Saudis already. You could move to Nashville anytime, couldn't you?

Yeah. You're closer to Jesus. You're closer to the first tee. You won a gun. You're so Tennessee, mate. Yeah, I am. Apart from you being dead scouts. The only thing holding me back is you cunts.

Otherwise, I'd already be there. Aww. Go and start a podcast with some Tennessee boys. Some Christian golfing mates. That'd be fire, by the way. Adam Rowe and the Tea Off podcast. Jesus! Don't take his name in vain.

The thing is, we start every episode by taking our teas off. Right, so it's a topless Christian golf podcast with a scouser and some boring Tennessee cunts. You could call it Four Gospels. That sounds more religious. Is it four gospels? Four! It reads as four.

No, it's elongated with dots. Four! I think that's one of Bill Bear's most underrated jokes ever, that. About, uh... He struggled with religion. It's on his, like, live at Gotham set. He's like, I always struggle with religion, because even the priests sound like he didn't believe

what he was saying. I'm like, this is the gospel, according to Luke. I'm not saying it. I'm just saying Luke said it, all right? That's a great line. Yeah, well, good luck with Jesus. Good luck with golf. But when you mean spiritual,

you don't mean like a Christian fucking blurt, do you? No, I don't agree with organised religion. And I don't know whether you know, Dan, but there's a long historic problem with paedophilia in the Catholic Church. So I don't really want to get involved with those guys. There's other churches. There's other less non-see churches.

Yeah, but I don't care about any of them. I just think that there's someone overseeing us. I just get this sense that we're being looked after and watched and cared for. What about the people that, you know, get shot, get run over? It's all part of God. It implies that they were like,

yeah, well, fuck them. I think, you know how in some religions there's like, is it a purgatory where you're like in the middle? I think this is purgatory. What? I think Earth is purgatory. Right.

So I think we're all here to try and sort of sort out what we've done to see where we end up. Like Lost. Into the made-up nice place or the made-up bad place. I mean, if you get spoilers for Lost, no. By the way way Walt dies at the end of Breaking Bad as well

you don't actually see that no you don't I suppose you don't do you know right so this is Purgatory that was just a complete country of a minute there

wasn't it couldn't have ruined two TV shows that you might catch up on at some point anyway back to Purgatory wasn't really on point just want to ruin

a couple of things for you back to the chat Bruce Willis is a ghost in armageddon that'd be a good crossover that'd be mental uh right okay well i mean it's not but it's nice that you think that it's lovely isn't it it's lovely you don't know that it's not though You don't know that? It's not though? I know, but it is, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? I don't know. Exactly.

You're just doing the same. How dare you, sir? How fucking dare you? I do find it irritating when people of faith thank God for something they've just done. Especially in sport, I find it irritating. I just want to thank God for the win. It done. Especially in sport, I find it irritating. Like, just want to thank God, you know, for the win. And it's like, because he hates that team

and he loves our team. But last week, that team, thank God for their win. Hang on. God's got two teams. At least. It's like, thank God for giving me the ability to do that, isn't it? You what?

It's like, thank God for giving me the ability to run fast and catch the ball it's not like they're going god through that pass and i still yeah and i still think you're prioritizing the wrong things there's like you know floods in pakistan i want to thank jesus for this win you're like he's busy mate just fucking play your game he's busy because they picked the wrong god oh god I just have no fucking time for it. Why is this not enough? Why is this beautiful, awful, flawed, wonderful life not enough?

Just enjoy it. Why does it have to be like, we're going to be better, we're going to be worse. This is hell. What the fuck are you talking about? There's a woman who used to go into a large fruit shop, we believe that. Yeah.

Right. She sounds like a miserable cunt, doesn't she? This is hell! I'll have a punnet of raspberries! Ah! They're all squishy! Where do you think she's from? I don't know, but she sounds like a proper cunt.

She was like, This is hell. She was like, this is such a miserable existence that I just feel like any creator this is the hell and we've all done something wrong

I think she's a spoiled raspberry eating bitch and when she gets to heaven they're gonna go you're a moaning cunt you're not coming in no fuck off and you just go oh sorry and they go alright that's the Christian one isn't it is there some religions where there's no forgiveness if you fuck up you're some religions where there's no forgiveness? If you fuck up, you're done?

Romeo, done? There's no sorry. There's no sorry at the gates. It's like not having your fucking boarding pass. You're past the sorry. Once you're at the gates, you're like, did you say sorry? Yeah. That get out just doesn't work.

It's so contradictory with everything in the Bible. You can't just be like, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder. I've died. Sorry. I said sorry. He knew the sorry thing. We should have let him in. Because he's killed 19 people.

But he knew the sorry get out. Let him in. With that moaning, raspberry eating fucker. No, I think he'd be sorry on earth for a bit. Yeah. No, I don't think. Just as the truck's about to hit you. Sorry!

Oh, he fucking got it just in time. Yeah. Goes to VAR. Like, did he say, did he start the sorry before the impact? What a load of fucking bother. It's what Jeffrey Dahmer did, didn't he? Jeffrey Dahmer purposely found Christianity in prison

because he was like, oh, I'll just get away with all this. Yeah, but it, yeah. Do you not know he didn't? He might have. Yeah, but it's's all he's head chef now again i haven't again it's just the what like if there is genuinely if jesus was the teachings of god that's been so warped and fucked with you can't eat i tell you what don't eat pork and don't mess with pork because that is god says god says it's nothing to do with all these people dying, but he said. It's so warped now, the word of Christ, as if a truly powerful God is going,

you did kill, you ate gay guys. But I did say the sorry thing, so you're in. Come on, don't eat any gay guys in heaven because that'd ruin heaven for them, wouldn't it? No, but that'd be his heaven, wouldn't it? Eating gay guys. Right, and then you're into the, everyone's got their own heaven for them, wouldn't it? No, but that'd be his heaven, wouldn't it? Eating gay guys. Right. And then you're into the, everyone's got their own heaven.

Yeah, but what, Jeffrey Dahmer's heaven would be eating gay people. Yeah, but that's not, that behavior isn't acceptable in heaven. So that gets your own hell, doesn't it? Then we're going to catch 22. How do you know it's not acceptable? What?

God is on record as saying he doesn't like the gays. So maybe he wanted Jeffrey Dahmer's freedom. But he loves every, right, okay. So what you're saying is he's like that that Christians should be eating gay guys

because God said that I'm not saying that at all I'm saying you haven't read all of the bylaws no bylaws he's going to say bible

the bylaws in the bible it's a pretty boring testament I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

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I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm Kill and eat loads of gay guys. So, can I have his heaven? It's just a failed copy of theirs. Awful. What a load of made-up bullshit. She sounds like the worst person I've ever heard of. It's fun to believe in, though. This is hell. Oh, my God.

Get a hobby. Go for a walk. What would your heaven be? What would my heaven be? If you got to choose your heaven. It would be... It might be a golf course, personally. Go on, you go.

I'm sorry at what course go on Daniel you're allowed like three prerequisites and five people three prerequisites I would like to a lot of the stuff

that exists in this life for me I feel very blessed I think less than four podcasts a week is going to be part of my heaven i am definitely taller probably mixed race big dick and loads of hair is that all right that's four all right all right i'll lose the podcast i'll do more podcasts if i in heaven you want

to be taller with hair with a big dick oh yeah i don't think that's how heaven works. Oh, sorry. So we can kill any gay guys in heaven. No. Because I've not read the bylaws. I didn't say that. I'm telling you right now, if Jeffrey Dahmer gets his heaven, I am a six foot four mixed race guy in heaven. I'm not this in heaven.

You are. You're still you. It's just what is in heaven. You don't know the bylaws. Heaven's essentially like a theme park. Yeah. So what do you want in your theme park? restaurants me looking better mate i want skelton lake services of the m1 no in fact skelton lake services on the m1 with a water park a podcasting studio a a gig full of

people like last night in newcastle i do that over and over but i want to be taller with a bigger dick and i actually think it's actually quite an interesting question to design our own heaven so let's say you get five things okay right in your heaven each yeah so you get to the pearly gates peter's like what's happening carl i'd love to pod 10 pound patron by the way carl before we start big question i'm gonna need you answer this yes or no no are you sorry oh yes yeah good good good good because it all goes to shit from there you can play the heaven arena but uh there is going to need to be a letter. The first thing in my heaven? Kinder Buenos.

Right. So that exists in life. Yeah. So we're one, you're already, you don't even have to change anything. No. All right, cool. No, like it's things.

You can always get a Kinder Bueno in heaven. Can you? Yeah. No, so in heaven, Sereka's boobs taste likeer bueno and you can nibble them there's shops but like not on cost oh shit so you're not all my things then all the shops are free i'm worried about serica's didn't you have a not on okay um i was like no i just want to make sure to get it so no yeah that's one of my five i've got one there i've got no fear

right because you can do everything then. Because it could be like skydiving. You can't change anything about you. It's just what do you want to walk into and have there. Everything's made out of rubber then. Not having this, by the way. You absolutely can't change you. I'm having my own fucking heaven where I'm different.

You can change things about you. You can be a fearless, kinder, bueno-eating man. Why not? There should be no fear in heaven, in theory. change things about you. You can be a fearless tip kinder bueno eating man. You can, yeah. Why not? There should be no fear in heaven in theory. What are you going to be scared of? Give me an example then so I can know where to go from.

Golf course. Is golf courses here? I know, but I want one in heaven. I'm not here anymore. I'm in heaven. Oh, we're definitely

Are you copying a golf course or are you making your own? Making it own, surely. Yeah. No, I can't be ass designing so I'll just go for

the last hole the last hole is Anfield you just fucking pitch it right onto the pitch 53,000 I'm going

golf course erm I'm going oh god he's only played two games I know and I'm going

Xbox the best thing is if he dies in three weeks when he's gone off golf he oh no and I'm going Xbox the best thing is if he dies in three weeks when he's gone off golf he'll be like oh fuck yeah I did say golf haven't I

I'm not arsed about that now Xbox with FIFA the new FIFA just happens every year and I've already got a sick ultimate team

unlimited FIFA points yes yeah so I'm doing that it's all tradable. Oh, yes. There's a water park. Nice.

There's a lovely bar that like is just, I know, I can't explain it, but it's in my head. Yeah. It's like a speakeasy. Oh, it's dark.

Yeah. You're just talking about Florida. This is Florida. You can go to your heaven. It's about six hours on a flight. Nice temperature. And, you know, a couple of comedy clubs. The beach.

Yeah, comedy club. I love sea animals. Killer whales. To be able to see them fly through the air majestically. If only there was a place on Earth like that. Comedy club. Water park. Golf course. Xbox with unlinkments of FIFA points. Oh, right. if only there was a place on earth like that comedy club, water park golf course

xbox with unlinkments of fifa points right Liverpool, gotta be in there, football club no? I feel like I can just watch that from heaven, down here I don't want a new, I want a still yeah, I don't need that yeah also it'd be boring if Liverpool were in your heaven

wouldn't it, yeah 106 points again, won the league. Yeah, it's not a challenge, really. Wouldn't be enough for Pep Guardiola's cheating bastards, you know what I mean? It's still winning. Even in your heaven, 107 cheating. Number five, maybe a dartboard or something.

I can't have Kinder Bueno if you want dartboards. Hey, how good is it that I am just I'm going to be able to buy one of his dream things for heaven for him for Christmas brilliant get me a golf course

just literally get get a chipped PS5 and then move to Orlando and I'll send you a fucking dartboard you're going to have a great time

I don't actually want a dartboard by the way don't fucking get me one of them for Christmas I'll give you the back. I want no fear and ultimate strength. So, like, I can... You changed

the question into what superpowers you want. You just want a boss stag do and you're like, I want to be all powerful and never scared. I want to be God. I want to run the gap. I want to levitate and be able to... No, no, not powers. I want to be, like, able to... No, no, not powers. I want to be like the strongest I could possibly be,

the fastest I could possibly be. Like, I'm the ultimate me. Right, so you're a superhero. No. He's going on a holiday. He's going on a make-a-wish holiday. He's going for a two-week holiday where the ill kids go on

and you want to be... John Cena. A superhero. I want to be John Cena. I want to fly and have a cape and have a laser eyes i'm going on a holiday that ill kids get to go on john cena's gonna be there for me as well no i don't want powers i want to be the best possible me like if you went to the gym every day yeah and, and I was the healthiest. I was the smartest.

I'm just sick. I'm sick, me. Not scared of nothing. What are you going for, Finn? I'm scared of heights. The sea. I can jump in the sea and just swim down because I'm a boss swimmer. Fucking smack a shark because I'm dead hard.

You're the shark-eating the Egyptian fella. Yeah. No, the Russian fella in Egypt. It's grim. What? He went for a little swim. He's about literally 100 yards off the coast

and a shark gets him. Oh, is it when someone goes, that looks like he's going to get eaten by a shark. Charmille Shake? Yeah. No, it's actually called Shark's Bay.

Genuinely, I've been. Right. Charcoal Shake, you say you're dead, mate? Charcoal Shake? No? Okay. Is it near... Charm's right and it's called sharks bay it's called sharks bay yep um the uh the boats coming in if they've got like excess meat like rather than having to get rid of

it online they just throw it off the back like all right we're coming in now they've been out for like three days that's why they follow and so they just so it's teaching the sharks that like humans like those things you don't understand like boats and whatever

just keep following them because they'll be meeting the water I think sharks do understand boats that's why that kid got eaten in the Bahamas really like is that

dad what's that it's a yacht son that's the sea cat follow it because sometimes the chefs don't want to get rid of food. And we'll follow it,

and we'll eat it, and if we see a big fat fucking Russian, I'll snack his head off. That's why the kid died in the Bahamas, because the sharks followed them off for that reason. You're obsessed with that, mate. Absolutely obsessed with it. You brought up people getting eaten by sharks in the sea.

It's a very close fucking story. Yeah, I did bring it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did bring it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did bring it up. And I brought up golf as well, didn't I? What's your heaven, Finn? There's no sharks in my heaven.

Some sort of small music gig. Small? No, like 500 people is the best kind of music gigs. Sometimes then. Sometimes it's the Beatles. So you own a comedy club for musicians essentially? Or just a music venue.

Yeah. Yeah. Nice. What else? Sometimes it's the Beatles or sometimes you're like, you know what, I'm just going to drop

in and do five. Yeah. Five songs. Do my scatting. Do you want a guitar? He's just doing that with his hands. Because it's in heaven. Everyone's like, this is the best thing i've ever heard yeah uh i've got to have some got some narcotics

what because it's in heaven do you like it because you're in heaven not like down here no it's actually good yeah it's not even that it's good. It's Christmas in heaven, even though it's still shit. People are tolerating it. Not like down here where you get fucking things like shit. No, no, no. Same old shit,

but people enjoy it. What was the second one? Some sort of narcotics. The nice ones. I don't want to have any panic attacks. I just want to have a nice time. Nice. Pod?

Yeah, that's the main one. What else? Like like cool clothes want some cool clothes cool clothes yeah maybe not the under armour polo t-shirts but other other cool clothes liam gallagher's your dad um no i don't want him to be my dad i'm going to be your mate no because yeah but it's not even Other cool clothes. Liam Gallagher's your dad. No. I don't want him to be my dad. I want him to be your mate. No, because he won't be your mate. Yeah, but it's not even like... Your uncle.

Obviously, I've thought about this a lot. I don't want to be Liam Gallagher's friend now because he's 51. And I don't actually know where he got him quite well. What? Whoa! What, because he tried to fuck you in Weatherby?

Is that what you call your arsehole? You don't want to have sex with Liam Gallagher. Fuck me in the Weatherby. I'm quite easy to please, I think. Just that, yeah. I'll have three. I'll take three. You can take the rest.

You just want to be successful here, don't you? I'd like to have forgotten to be a vegetarian. That would be nice. If that light switch was off. Not that you're not a vegetarian that would be nice if that was just if that light switch was off not that you're not that you're not a vegetarian you've just forgot and you're just there

having a leg of lamb one day and someone's like aren't you a vegetarian and you're like I forgot you just want to be able to eat your kebab without it talking to you

Finn I'm lovely I think you'll end up eating meat again yeah you will five years I don't see it I see it

heaven yeah the gay club if you renounce the Turkish side yeah well good luck on your journey to heaven

thank you mine looks like Teletubby land except there's more cocaine and loads of bitches I'm a family in a separate little you know

are the Teletubbies still there can be if you want if someone sure they look good to batter don't they yeah like if you're angry you can just go and batter all the Teletubbies

mine would look like the night garden I'd be off my tits all the time I'd be on the Ninky Nonk driving around don't need Audi Q7s in my heaven Macapacker oh yeah he's having a great time and then my family there everyone's safe

my mum's there Laura's dad's there. We're all having a great time. And every night I got off to do a gig in a separate part of Teletubbyland. You can come play in my comedy club on the golf course. Yeah. And then instead of going to the golf course,

that's the comedy club, I just go to a big orgy where we take loads of drugs. It's nice, isn't it? And Laura's like, do it. They're your hobbies. No, she's not dead. Thank you, babe. She's not dead.

What? Laura isn't dead. She's in my heaven even if she's alive is that allowed yeah yeah yeah it's a total cheat yeah yeah

no that's not allowed alright cool you can have a robot that looks exactly like her but it's not her what so it's exactly like her yeah

but has robot titties yeah but you have to charge it as well yeah it's got robot strength though surely there's no batteries in heaven there's no charges in heaven there's no charges in heaven okay well I've got to find a way

to make it more difficult then it's Laura but there's no emotion because she's a robot yeah and she's got

she's got a slight Lithuanian accent but only slight that you hear oh yes have a good time and one of her knees is slightly bigger

than the other oh I'm out I'm fucking out well turns out just before I die I'm out. I'm fucking out. Well, turns out just before I die, I'm taking Laura with me. And she'll be like, what are you doing? I'm like, well, I'm not going to heaven on my own.

I'm going to come here. That'd be great. How are you dying? Yeah, what? Are you stabbing yourself? I don't know. Just before I die. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

God. And then when they're like, hang on, how did you two get it together? Are you sorry? I'm like, dead sorry. I'm in. Are you sorry? Fucking'm like, dead sorry. I'm in. Fucking great. There we go, there's heaven.

And that's heaven, ladies and gents. Comment below what your heaven is. Five things in your heaven. Waterparks and golf courses. We'll go on there on Sunday. Oh. I'm really excited about 10 minutesleaf right let's have a break see you in a sec

wow wow got vandy I absolutely cunted off someone that works for Jet2 on the phone on the way to it oh my god they got the name wrong they got Will Hutchby's

surname wrong when I amended the booking and added him they I've said Hutchby she's gone Galifianakis

Hutchie so he was on the so he's noticed he's noticed it otherwise we'd have got to the airport and they'd have been like oh

oh oh dear major problem here. It's Will Hutchie that's booked on the flight and this says Will Hutchby and it's the right date of birth and the right passport number, but that letter doesn't match.

So we have to shoot you in the airport. That's how that works because you're a terrorist, yeah? So that's how that works. So the whole holiday's off. Are we going to play terrorist bingo in the airport, by the way? No, we're absolutely not. I'll play. So I rang up. Will you just we going to play Terrence Bingo in the airport, by the way? No, we're absolutely not. I'll play.

So I rang up. Will you just say bomb as loud as you can? I'll do that. We play bomb to ease, but we're bomb. Not bomb. Bomb!

Not bomb. I'm going to bomb the plane! Play that. When we check in, when you put your bag in, you just go, excuse me, love. Yeah, just this one.

And this is me, I was just wondering, which gate is it if I want to bomb the plane yeah I want to blow it up in the sky did you pack your own suitcase I'll go get my bomb on

yeah with bombs do I give my bomb to you or do I keep that in my hand luggage you're not going to be allowed on the flight oh you've ruined this game you're not taking my bomb in check

you'll lose it so I rang jet 2 and I was like she was like hi it's Elaine from jet 2 how can I help I was like morning Elaine how are you today she was like hi it's elaine from jet two how can i help i was like morning elaine how are you today she was like she's one of them you know when you ask them how

they're like oh thank you thank you so much for asking yeah that's great i was like this is the problem we've got a spelling mistake on on will hutchby's name so we're gonna change it and i could you know she's doing the okay Do you have a keyboard like her? DJ, DJ. She was Fred again. And she was like, okay, because it is just a letter change. It should be 150 pounds charge, but I am going to do this as a goodwill gesture.

And I think it's because I was like, morning, Elaine. How are you today? You sound fit. elaine do you get this a lot you sound beautiful i know i can only hear you sound fit though yeah she didn't um and she sounded like your mum's mate elaine and then she was like okay so i'm not going to charge you that's all changed you've got a new reservation number and i was like thank you so much elaine being a right grovel and then she was like thank you have a great week i was like you too enjoy your holiday all right elaine and she was like bye bye and then i was like fuck sake elaine it's just a fucking letter change isn't it fucking oh shit i've got to turn the phone on. I actually used the name in the... Fuck off, Elaine.

Watch Will, I'm not going to be able to fly now. The booking confirmation came through straight away. Turns out Elaine is pretty sound. So yeah, sorry about that, Elaine. It was so... I was like, good morning. And she was like, good morning. As soon as I thought I was off the phone.

So has Will typed it in wrong? No, because I rang up and I did it over the phone. So I was like- Oh, well then you never get in charge for that, are you? You could have said fucking Osama bin Laden. And you could have just rang me on, now they've misheard me. I said Will Hutchby.

You've got an accent. As long as you haven't typed it in, you're definitely getting away with that. No, listen, Elaine was friendly, but I don't think she'd accept that I said Will Hutchby and her colleague at the call centre heard Osama bin Laden. Well, maybe not him because he's famous, isn't he? But like someone else.

Do you reckon if you... Donald McIntyre. If you'd have said that, you could have got away with it. Well, the irony is I got the Asian name spot on because I was really concentrating because I was like, listen, we're taking our boy Ishan and I don't want to be the white guy

that got his name wrong where he's like oh you spelt it wrong so I really concentrate with that do you reckon if your book if you reckon if your name's Osama Bin Laden

then your book at holiday there's a problem yeah do you reckon they go is that your name I reckon you definitely get randomly said to the airport like

it's fucking grim that innit he's ruined it yeah because I think if your name's Osama Bin Laden it's fucking grim isn't it he's ruined it yeah because if your name's Osama bin Laden it's going to cause issues a lot of places really you know what I mean

what can you do about it it's your parents fault you were born before 9-11 yeah you were born in the 80s right so you were it was accepted

so if you were called Osama bin Laden yeah would you change your name or would you be like no I'm not fucking changing it because that cunt got a bit rambunctious a bit rambunctious look at him rambunctious bastard

he got a bit rambunctious with the old aviation I'm not changing my name it's just my dad's name my granddad's name my nan's name his dad was Osama bin Laden if my mate Adolf Hitler's not had to change his name I'm not changing mine from Osama bin Laden. It's illegal to call your kids Adolf in Germany, isn't it? Not anymore. I think it's illegal to call your children Osama bin Laden if you're from a white family in Preston. I think that might... I think that might...

Not in the 80s, it wasn't. Just a few red flags. Hello, my name's Dan Nightingale. This is my wife, Mary. This is Mary Nightingale. I don't know why I didn't just go with Laura. This is Mary Nightingale. And this is our son. And this is Joseph Nightingale.

And their son, Osama bin Nightingale. It's a weird story. But it's still more believable than the fucking Bible. Adidas's fellow was called Adolf, wasn't he? Yeah. Adi Dazzler is Adolf Dazzler. Adolf Dazzler. So Adi is what he called his cousin.

He sounds like the gay brother of Adolf Hitler he's Adolf Dassler first name's not your family name you wouldn't have two brothers both called Adolf no you're right I was just trying to be funny in Asian countries you would

yeah in Asian countries where their son is called Adolf Dassler Vietnam it's just mad that like it's illegal to call your kids Adolf. No, there's a football manager called Adolf.

But there's loads of people worldwide wearing Adolf merch. Merch. That's what Adidas is, isn't it? Adolf merch. It's German Adolf merch. Yeah. Not really. But yeah.

I can see what you mean. I mean, it's not. Let's see can see what you mean i mean it's not let's see sort of what you mean yeah yeah it's not it's not the first name that's the the big one though is it it's the surname like if it was hitler merch yeah that'd be bad yeah that would be different yeah asama bin laden would be a weird that's what nike is shirt sponsor as well. Nike was started by a fella called Nicky Hitler. Not a lot of people know about that. They couldn't pronounce it. It was a little lad. Oh, Nike Hitler.

Call it Nike. There's ramifications to his surname. I'm so tired. I was bumming all night. Well, that's a new trailer. Elaine's tied me up Nello this may require a sketch

have you seen the oddest celebrity couple I've ever seen yes I have, Bill Murray let them guess if they've not seen it have you seen it? we have to guess the weirdest celebrity couple Bill Murray and Osama Bin Laden.

I think this is weird. Is it a black woman? Yes. Have you seen it? No. Lizzo? It is a black woman. Is it Lizzo?

You're not miles away with Lizzo. It is a pop star. Fatima Whitbread? Yes. Jeannie Ashiday? Not a pop star. You didn't say pop star? Is it a pop star?

I did say pop star Like five seconds ago Alicia Keys You're getting close It's warmer Kelis Yes Yes Did you know that

No it isn't No it is Bill Murray is dating Kelis Do you know what my next guess was Angela Merkel And genuinely I honestly think that's more realistic than Kelis He's 72

The milkshake woman. Yeah. My milkshake brings Bill Money to... Khalees, the milkshake woman. That's how he knows her. Bill was like, are you the milkshake woman? Well, I love milkshakes.

I'm 72. Let's fuck. Yeah, he's fucking her. No, he's not. Bill Money's very famous. He's innocent. Bill Money's very famous for pranking people, isn't he? He goes up to people in restaurants and just flicks their tits

and goes, no one will ever believe you. Yeah, he goes up and flicks your bum hole and goes, no one's gonna believe you. I love it how he started that. He's like, Khalees, hey milkshake woman, do you want to fucking wind everyone up? Why don't you move in with me? And we'll pretend we're a couple. Why?

Because Angela Merkel's a boring bitch and she's not up for it. He kisses Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation. Yeah, that's acting though, isn't it? No, but he's a couple. Why? Because Angela Merkel's a boring bitch and she's not up for it. He kissed Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation. Yeah, that's acting though, isn't it? No, but he... It's a role. That's not real. But he's shown that he's a frisky bugger.

Right. Right. Because he played a role where he kissed a lady. Frisky bugger. Yeah. Robert De Niro's murderous. Yeah, I've seen it in loads of films.

He murdered loads of people in films. Watch out for Robert De Niro's murderous yeah I've seen it in loads of films murdered loads of people in films watch out for Robert De Niro he'll kill you shoot you in the face that's him old Bobby De Niro that is fucking weird mate

yeah Khalees is what 40 odd years old 43 there's 30 years between them he's actually not taking the piss

no are you sure are we sure we're not taking the piss are you sure it's not like... Who have you heard this from? One of those fake showbiz news things.

It wasn't like The Onion. What? It wasn't The Onion. No, it was the... It's reported in every single... The Washington Post. How old is she? 72.

72, and she's 43. Yeah. And she's Khalees. He's Bill Murray. I don't think it's the age thing. I just think, what the fuck? I love that you were going for singers

and he went I'm going to go closer with Alicia Keys and you're going to go Angela Merkel yeah I was just being dead silly just being dead silly

is she not blind Angela Merkel is not no oh yeah yeah yeah you're thinking of Angela Bassett I was thinking of

Angela Bassett I was thinking of Mike Bassett I was thinking of Ricky Tomlinson. Sorry. Oh my God, Ricky Tomlinson would be good on this.

No, he wouldn't know what was going on. No. Also, just live on the telly. He's dating Keisha, so he's dead busy. Keisha?

Keisha. From the Sugar Babes. Lorraine? Lorraine? Keisha? No, Keisha, no.

Keisha? Keisha? I thought she was called Keisha. Ricky Tomlinson's my mum's cousin. And he knows someone who knew someone in Tom and Kim. He's been in Robot Wars. No, Sugar Babes. Golf.

Golf. Robot Wars. Golf. McDonald's Penrith. He doesn't talk about that. Dan's a nonce. Golf. McDonald's. Penrith. Dan's and Hans. NFL. Laura. Yeah, okay.

Bill Murray in Khalees is the weirdest shit I've ever seen. And she's fucking great, by the way, Khalees. She's got some rammers. She's got some absolute rammers. I've seen her rammers. One of the songs is... Millionaire Me with Andre 3000. Trick Me. Mama, I'm aammers. One of the songs is... Millionaire me? Trick me? Mama, I'm a millionaire.

Trick me. Don't trick me twice. Oh, what's the... Baby, I got your money. Don't you worry. What was that? With ODB? Yeah.

With Old Dirty Bastard? And now she's with one. Oh. Thank you. Wow. Why are you having a go at Bill like that? Is he such a flitty bugger. Oh, Bill's filth, mate.

Do you reckon? Oh, absolutely. He loves golf. Does he? Bill Murray's an excellent golfer. You'd love him. Does all the pro-ams, doesn't he? Yeah.

Yeah. Have you seen that just no-look back shot that he does? So class. He's very good at golf. Do you reckon he's licked milkshake out of her bum hole? Not yet. Do you reckon he's fingered her? What? Yeah. If they're dating. licked milkshake out of her bum hole not yet do you have any finger there what

yeah if they're dating why would you reject that as a concept and then go I'm not interested in the milkshake from a bum hole

fingered penetrative sex I don't think they have yet baby I got your money don't you worry look at me tits and look at my bum hole

Bill Murray baby you're Bill Murray I'm fucking I'm fucking Bill Murray baby you're Bill Murray look at my tits look at my bum hole you know

I'm fucking Bill Murray they'll probably be fucking married and divorced by the time this episode goes out it's ten days until this goes out I'm fucking Bill Murray with my pussy hey

oh look at me well i'm not into it then has got any correspondence yeah we've got some questions all right this one's from jess hi dean adonis killian and the turkish one when i was in my first year at uni we had a party in our flat a girl from the flat above us came and whilst drunk ate a whole packet of frankfurter sausages at pre's we never saw at what pre's pre drinks oh at pre's right we never saw her again my question is if you had to eat one food at a social event to assert dominance what would it be what just an absolute baller move just walk up to the buffet yeah and eat all the cocktail sausages

in front of a crying kid who's been told it's not started yet what pre-jinks did you go to who had cocktail sausages in a buffet at a pre-jink at your uni

go to someone's house I don't think there was frankfurter sausages out at the pre's I think she's gone into the fridge so if you could go into a fridge or a freezer

and just scran a whole one thing you cook whatever joints of meat they've got and then eat that. Like if they've got a leg of lamb in the fridge. Yeah. Just- The oven's been on for an hour.

Leave it. Hang on, hang on. I'll assert my dominance. As long as you just leave the oven on. Who's that lad that stood next to the oven? Has he basted something? Make an omelette with all the eggs. No matter how many eggs it is.

Because everyone's got more than one frying pan. Make a pan of scouts. Takes six hours. We're going out. See you later. Get in my house. Yeah, I'm making a scant.

Go on. If a random walks into my party. Is everybody ready when you get back? Just open the milk and stood and drank all the milk.

That'd be, that's a red card offence for the party. You've got to leave. You can't open, like, that'd be a ball of milk. I think if they drank all the milk, that'd be... That's a red card offence for the party. You've got to leave. You can't open, like... I think if they drank all the milk, that is less offensive than, like, really tungily,

like having a sip of milk and then putting the rest back. Tungily. Tungily. Tungily. You know what I mean, though? Oh, yeah, yeah. I hate the tungilies.

Good rugby players, though. You know what I mean? Using your tongue to get the milk. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah lips and the Khalees knows what yeah like Bill Money's

trying to get the milkshake out of Khalees' arsehole beans tongue-a-ly so we got when you have a pan of beans there's just a bottom in it fill a pan with beans

so it takes about an hour to cook them like 20 tins of beans and then say oh I'm not hungry go do you know what ever make a skedaddle

at the end you don't want it just happened to me. Where's the beer? She may have used all 12 tins of beans that you had. What did she eat?

A full pack of frankfurter sausages. Are they the ones that are that long? Hot dog sausages, isn't it? Oh, she's cooked them, surely.

She does not sound attracted, does she? If she's bought her own thing of frankfurter sausages, just whacked it down and then just eaten it one by one. No, I don't think she's brought her own. Oh, sheter sausages, just whacked it down and then just eaten it one by one. No, I don't think she's brought her own. She's left them out of their fridge, I think.

She might have just been trying to flirt with someone, but it went too far. He wasn't watching. She's like, oh, hey. And then someone else looks at her and says, oh, fuck. She's done it eight times. I've got tummy ache because I want to fuck Darren.

What's the... What are frankfurters in brine I think they're in like a sealed packet like a pepper army a vac pack either way it's a laser dreamer absolutely this leads on to the next bit which

is uh from jack hatfield which he says is more of a section suggestion but you don't dictate our content i think i just got a yellow card waiting to go oh i'd have been sent off no it would have been a strong yellow and that's your last one but carry on say it then no we've got some cards coming and a VAR screen. I'm going to make a VAR screen made over there instead of a Nando's. So, just had a thought

for a new section, noncy behaviour. If you're one of those freaks who gets your dead skin scrammed by fish on holiday, your hard drives need checking. It's a bit,

um, it's the old hat now, isn't it? It does not hold like simple pleasures. Do you remember a few years ago? All the fish were dying, weren't they? A few years ago,

every shopping centre and just some dirty, sweaty, like, eat my feet. Oh, God. It's caused infections, hasn't it? I've had it done. I've had it done.

Have you? Yeah. I just got my mistress to do it. She's a nibbler. Yeah. Just chew all the fungus off my feet. Fungus? It's caused many problems

in relationships that means it's ended all of them yeah no adam it could be a great deterrent in sharks deterrent yeah yeah yeah if you tongueally he keeps them in you know sharks bay if you if they were like following the meat and adam just like dropped his feet in there and sharks would be like well I'm not into it. Not having that. Oh, rough. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if it's noncy, though,

or if it's just a bit like... It's done, isn't it? It's just a bit hack. Is there anything else that you think is bang out of order that people just do? Arm drobbling. Yeah, shooting each other. Simple pleasure.

You know, when you just rob a bank love it isn't it because there's loads of money you don't have to shoot anyone if you don't want stuff that's out of order littering

I hate littering I always see someone throw something out the car it really winds me up yeah do you do that I don't not anymore

I've grown up now that I've decided other people do it and it pisses me off I don't do it when I was've grown up. Now that I've decided other people do it and it pisses me off, I don't do it. When I was a stupid youngster, but now I'm like, what are you doing?

Just keep it in your car. It's just scummy. It's just such a dickhead thing to do. People smoking in the car as well. And then you wonder around where you live looks like shit because loads of people

are like, yeah, that's the thing. I just don't listen to where I live. I listen to other towns. Bring the house prices down for them. Do you know what I did another day in the Mach-E's drive-thru?

There was a gentleman sat there. Do you know the ones who were asking for money but they're sitting between the windows? Yeah. Seeing them? No, we don't have them in Chester. What? You know like beggars, like homeless people?

They sit in between the two windows at Mach-E's because that's a prime opportunity. Do they make their own window? No. Can you go to window three? What about window two B? You got any money? I literally pulled up alongside them.

It was a lovely day. I had my sunroof down, and he looked awful. I was like, oh God, I feel like a dickhead. I was like, mate, I genuinely haven't got any cash. I'm so sorry. Can I have a sachet of salt? No, I went, do you want a bottle of white wine, though?

He went, yeah. So I had two bottles of Sauvignon in the booth and gave him that. What if he was like two years sober and you've just like put him back off the edge? He seemed made up. Mate, if he's two years sober and he's in between the windows at McDonald's,

I don't think sobriety is working out. Get back on the Sauvignon. He was made up. Imagine if he was like, what year is it? Oh, 2017. Two bottles of white wine. Bosh.

I didn't want to win my car no more because he had them rattling all the time. He wants wine, bam, two birds, one stone.

Simple pleasure, giving sovereign young Blancs home as people, isn't it? Every time it happens to me, I'm like, oh,

that chinking in my boot was really annoying. Of the glass bottles. Of the glass. Just, can we, VAR. Hang on.

The, You're just on just I am absolutely on side it's your racist ears that heard something there you said chinking he's bent his run he

was offside and he's come back on and yeah but the life important is flag up is like is where is way within his rights to go I think we need to look at that yeah

if two if you have two glass bottles in the room they start chinking together they clank no they clink can we meet

halfway clink clink clank and chink yeah clank you can't be saying things are chinking

Dan it just sounds wrong you're not making it racist I'm being on a matapedia it is inherently

racist ratchet and clank alright I'll take the yellow yeah yeah I'm, I'll take the yellow. Yeah, yeah. I'm giving myself one. Not the yellow. Anyway.

So Sauvignon Blanc, you're a big fan? Give homeless people wine. Big fan. The man in the thing judged me to fuck. By the way, the man gave me this. I was like, he wants wine and I've given him it. Fuck off. Give him people wine. Big fan. The man in the thing judged me to fuck. By the way, the man gave me this thing. I was like, he wants wine and I've given him it. Fuck off.

Give him a burger. Your bit about that used to be fucking great. You're taking away choice. We're not giving money. Give him a sandwich. Fuck off. You want cider? Yeah. Club comic special?

Anyone who hasn't seen it? It's such a good bit. Oh, could you all go and watch Juicy again? Because it's like 2,000 views away from 200k. Yeah, and can 90,000 of you watch Smasher again? Because it's 90,000 views off 200k. Thank you. I'm so glad it passed 100.

It was really, it was such a nice thing. I genuinely didn't know what it was going to do. That's not a common thing. No. 100,000 views is insane. That's not a common thing. No. A hundred thousand views is insane. That's next level, what Adam's got, what Adam's done. But then you just don't know how that's going to go for me. And it's just because of these fucking wonderful beats.

I put a lot more clips out for mine as well, which I think boosted this. Yeah. I'm going to put even more out when me tour gets, you know, I'm just, I'm biding me time now. Right, what's the next one? Come as he's on tour. Got a question from Cam Alto.

Oh, he's back. If you could turn a finger, one of your fingers into a tap or compartment containing different never-ending liquids or sauces for you to use on the go, what would you choose? Oh, so you've got like inspector gadget, condiment fingers. He said everything.

I think just one finger. One finger is a better choice. Your little finger as well. I think it's this one. No, it's the most used. I think you're going to get sauce all over your phone. Yeah, but you can choose when you dispense it. It's like got a little lid on it in my head.

No, because you'd have to wipe it. I'd break that. Yeah? Yeah, you'd lose a little bit. Oh, you'd scratch it. Right, okay. No hot sauce. Fine, we'll go for left pinky. Yeah, left pinky. Left pinky? Yeah. Yeah, you'd lose a little bit. Oh, you'd scratch it. Right, okay. No hot sauce. Fine, we'll go for left pinky.

Yeah, left pinky. Left pinky. Yeah. What's that go for? Dispenses some sort of liquid or sauce. I only use that to make promises. Yeah. Maybe hot sauce, you know.

You'll have five sauces. So his examples are, you could have a thumb that dispenses Guinness or a Frank's hot sauce finger. I've got one. Or a WD-40 finger. Petrol thumbs. You get one finger.

You get this little finger. Fill it with petrol. That's going to be a slow fill up. Yeah, it's going to cost you maybe loads more. No, you don't know how fast it comes out. I'm dictating it. Oh. I love it when you're assertive.

How long does it take me to fill a tank? It's slow. It's like a bottle of sauce, when you're assertive how long does it take me to fill a tank it's slow it's like a bottle of sauce so you're not getting much out of it it's enough if you've broken down well then it's going to have to be sourced

isn't it be arse-whitting an hour and a half to fill my car up or to pour a pint it wouldn't take that long to pour a pint compared to filling a tank

erm I think honestly just having water in your finger might be fucking dead useful it's a really fun answer as well if you need a shower

you could just like the elixir of life just wash your wash your face you're in a desert I'm always getting caught out in deserts I just like to put a nice little steady interest rate in mine

just a 2% that's good actually it's a poor interest rate isn mine. Just a 2%. That's good, actually. It's a poor interest rate, isn't it? Yeah, but it's interest. Not all interest is interest. It's not interesting, though, is it? I should like a glass of water every now and then. I'll take water.

What's yours? Fuck not. Oh, 200k. Oh, yeah, that's true. Tequila. If you are caught in the desert, and, you know, like... Which has happened to me several times. that's true tequila if you are caught in the desert and you know like

which has happened to me several times oh well the amount you play in the sand could you would beer save your life or would eventually

you'd just be absolutely pickled with the hydration really yeah yeah that'd be a great battle though wouldn't it you the sun

and your finger of beer just constantly going like oh it's not working just be like it's a good way to die though That'd be a great battle though, wouldn't it? You, the sun, and your finger of beer. Just constantly going like, oh, it's not working. Just be like... It's a good way to die though. Just get bladded in the desert. What about arsenic? It's not liquid.

Is it not? Liquid arsenic. Okay. Put it in water. Just in case I'm ever in a hostage situation. Done. Yeah. Never swill anyone's drink though.

Well I could though, couldn't I? Oh God. Someone's a bit rude. Fuck off. You'd be an amazing hitman. Yeah. Just a little. Bam. Did you near my drink? You could do that without having it. You could just have arsenic on your finger.

Oh yeah. Good point. Not just a bag of arsenic it needs to be in your finger to get away with it and back to water I'm going with petrol even still okay I'm going with beer

beer you're going with water liquid gold I don't know what you do with it you'd have to just wait for a cold day and just make little gold poos and try and sell them at a porn shop. Like a little Mr. Whippy coming out of your finger.

I've got some gold to porn. Why is it the shape of a poo? It's more of an ice cream. That or water. That or water. You know, it's a toss-up, really, isn't it? Gold, pink, pink. Liquid poo-making machines.

Or water. Good question, though, Finn. Like that one. Right, we're going to do some underrated, overrateds. Yes. Press the button. Give me two seconds. Thank you. water. Good question though, Finn. Like that one. Right, we're going to do some underrated, overrated. Yes. Give me two seconds. Thank you. It's underrated for underrated

to hit your wife with a shovel. Boom. Boom. Right, so this one is from Beth W. I have an underrated, overrated for you. An omelette from the Chinese. I honestly... She should be investigated for war crimes. Is she on the nonce from before?

No, she's not a paedophile, but I think she might have been involved with 9-11. That is an absolute terrible attack of a question. Oh my God. Who's getting it? Norm, what are you doing? I'm hungry. We're trying to get a Chinese egg.

Get me an omelette. What are you doing? An omelette's like one of the worst types of breakfast eggs never mind you're getting the chinese you want to ruin your fucking week with like yeah is it an option at every chinese that yeah they love an omelette the chinese people do they they do foo young mate that's what they call it oh all right like fooo Young is like an omelette that's been chopped up, but sometimes they just do you an omelette. Right. Yeah.

If you go in and you do the Sam Allerlice looking at the menu, like, there's always omelette on a Chinese menu. Philip Schofield loves it. He likes Too Young. Oh, Matthew Nillick's laugh! Fuck off. Because he shocks kids. Oh! Sorry. I thought he knew a Chinese guy with that name. oh Matthew nearly collapsed fuck off because he shucks kids oh

oh sorry I thought he knew a Chinese guy with that name oh mad he likes underage kids I honestly

like if she's eating the fact she's asked that means that that's what she gets no one who doesn't get omelettes

is going I'm going to write in and see if they like omelettes from the Chinese because I don't what's that going to marry with it

the Chinese just your normal Chinese and then an omelette on the side what do you put with like omelettes from the Chinese because I don't. What's that going to marry with it, the Chinese? Just your normal Chinese and then an omelette on the side? What do you put with an omelette? Rice? Yeah. Fucking madness, mate. Chips, maybe? Just get like an egg fried rice. Yeah, do that. Salt and pepper ribs, chicken fried rice,

curry sauce. That's why I did it nice. Prawn toast. Yeah. Oh, mate, prawn toast. They put it in your hot soup. Jesus. This is from Danny Cooper. Logwn toast. Yeah. Oh, mate, prawn toast, they put it in your hot soup. This is from Danny, Danny Cooper. Log, log burners. They,

they, they get better as you get older, so you love them. They're really good. Bill Murray loves them as well. Oh, mate, ours was put in by Khalees.

She's great. She, honestly, she's moved on from Popstar. Fire's just great, isn't it? Log burners, yeah.

Fire is great. But it's not, it's not messy. Fire's just great, isn't it? Log burn is near. Fire is great. But it's not messy. It's just a little fucking fire thing and you don't really have to clean them. It's a little bit, but. Are you talking outside? I think log burning for me is like a living room. I'm thinking one of them bins outside

that you put stuff in. That's what I was thinking. That's not a log burn. No, do you know what they're called? Bin fires at the mobile internet. You mean a fire pit? That. Yeah, fire...

Are they not the same thing? You're asking lads, is fire underrated or overrated? It's underrated unless it's your house that's on fire. This button made fire. I fucking love burning stuff. It's great.

My fire pit outside, class. The log burner inside, absolutely class. I fucking love it. Underrated. It gets hot as well, doesn't it? Fire? Yeah, class. The log burner inside, absolutely class. I fucking love it. Underrated. It gets hot as well, doesn't it? Fire? Yeah. Yeah.

No, I mean, your living room, if you close the door and put the log burner on, your living room gets hot. Oh, it's decent. It's not cheap, like. Right, this one's from Landry. ASMR porn. Never, ever watch that or listen to it, whatever it is.

Is it just audio? It's when they're like... I'm saying is it just audio or is it video no sometimes there's videos to go along with it never watched it or listened to it what was that

what was that podcast porn audio porn I've never even no but ASMR's audio isn't it it's usually with a video though it's not like you download it on pocket cast and then like

oh my god yeah you bought me good ASMR that if you like podcasts oh my God, yeah, you bummed me. Good day to my mother. If you like podcasts, fuck my asshole. Have you tried podcast porn? I was just whispering dances off.

You bummed me. Hiya, welcome back to podcast porn. Put it in me cunt. I love ding me. Imagine Angela Merkel fucking Bill Murray. Ooh,

nice. Porn in the cupboard, innit? I think you just had a look at court. Porn, you bummed me. Porn in the cupboard? innit? I don't think you just know how to not get caught. Porn in the cupboard? Tell her you don't get caught wanking. Is that what you do at home?

Or on the stairs. Sarah, just, don't come in the cupboard for a minute. I'm busy. You're not having another pantry wanker, are you? In a minute,

she's in and out of that cupboard. What's that cupboard? Porn on the stairs is good as well. There's the porn in that cupboard. Oh, we're doing well again. Next one. Right, this is from Joe.

Underrated or overrated? New seasons football kits, like the releases of them. They need to stop. It should be like once every two years. Like it used to be. It should be exciting. It's been ages, has it?

I have to admit, I do like checking out the new kits. But the scam, the new scam of the stadium version and the player version is fucking disgusting because it makes kids not want to look like a gimp in school.

So they have to get the good one, which means their parents are spending 200 quid. It was about 20 years ago that clubs worked out. I think it was like United worked out. They were like,

why are we waiting every two years? Was it Nike with United? I don't think Umbro did it I think Umbro got you got your two years out of it and then Nike were like we should just be releasing a new kit every season

they were like we should shouldn't we fucking hell I don't like it get on DHK when you're on a fourth kit and when people are like oh well the kids

have got to have them they've got to have all four kits no they fucking don't that's what I mean tell them to pick one for Christmas there's four kits. No, they fucking don't. That's what I mean. Tell them to pick one for Christmas. There's four kits for the players, and then there's normally two or three goalkeeper kits.

You could be getting your kids seven kits if they're like... By the way, if you're a kid, or if you've got a kid that's got seven kits in one season, what fucking euro millions have you won? That's... I cannot believe that any parents go, it's ridiculous what they're doing. We have to spend over 1,700 quid on kits.

Bullshit. And he needs the stadium and the, oh, bollocks. But yeah, it's like a full kit now for the child. It's like 80 quid. What am I going to do with Jack and football? What if he starts, should I start? I can't force Watford onto him. I'm not arsed enough.

I want him to watch NFL. Should I just nudge him to like look Uncle Adam will get you boss tickets because he knows some dodgy cunts let's just go with Uncle Adam like if he's into football

should I just like like Liverpool what's your nearest team Chester yeah he's never going to give a shit about that is he the next one's Tramier

oh yeah Tramier Rave is Chester do you know what Wrexham could be a laugh yeah yeah yeah because then you can go to Wrexham. Do you know what? Wrexham could be a laugh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because then you can go to Wrexham.

Just do Liverpool. Yeah. Just do Liverpool. Don't go for Evan. Right. I'll see what he says. Because you've chosen. Jack's there.

He's not born. I'm not. He can do what he wants. They are watching the NFL, though. I got forced to watch Formula 1 by my dad, and I was into it, so I'm hoping it's going to work. Etta likes the Minnesota Vikings,

because they're purple. It's great. I'm hoping it's going to work. Etta likes the Minnesota Vikings because they're purple. It's great. I'm just getting it going. Sunday night? It's daddy and kids time. It's not really. It's just NFL. Right.

Last one. Emma Finney says Miller and Carter. Totally and utterly overrated. They're bad at cooking steak. Why is it so salty every time? And I actually kind of like...'re bad And the service is shit They're bad They don't put enough crust on it either

It's They just I went a couple of weeks ago And I had to send it back Because my steak was blue I've had some poo steaks At Miller and Carter Considering they're meant to be

A steak restaurant I've never been So what is it Is this as good as like The ones You've taken me to Like Hawksmoor and that It's not on

It's supposed to be A Hawksmoor It isn't the same food It's not on the same, like, Hawksmoor and that. It's not on... Is it a chain? It's supposed to be a Hawksmoor. It isn't the same food. It's not on the same stratosphere as Hawksmoor. They've got a dress code. Miller and Carter's pathetic. The one for what it's meant to be. It's got a dress code. You're like, behave.

The one by Mears? Oh, I went and trackies a couple of weeks ago to the Auckland. Yeah, I don't think you're not getting in, but you try and, like, you know... Yeah, it's really, like, for what it is and how much you pay, it's a bad steak. It is expensive as well. Yeah.

Like, it's a little bit more in Hawksmoor and they are leagues ahead. Oh, can we go to Hawksmoor and just not do the second half? Hawksmoor was, oh mate, that's got, we got about four tonnes worth of steak. It was fine.

Jesus. Break time. Break it down. Come in. Okay, baby. Oh, we're back. Part three of this week's episode, and we are joined by touring comedian Stephen Bailey.

I thought you were going to say, like, Tory or something. No, you've come back to the North. I've come back. Yeah, I've changed back now, yeah. The North were calling. COVID struck. He was like, I need to be with me people. In a total down.

It's cheaper. Yeah. That is literally, I need to be with me people. It's not. It's cheaper. Yeah. That is literally, I can't believe how tight I am. Not anally. Okay. Not anally. Well, actually, I am anally as well. It's been ages since anything's been up there.

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anything? Or a man? Both. Really? What's ages? A bit of toilet paper.

What's ages, though? Hang on, you put the toilet paper up, you arsehole? I would say not since 2020, because I'm not going to lie to you. I've become, I've turned 30. Well, I'm over 30 now. But then I also got IBS, and it's just a disaster back there.

Have you got IBS? It's not been diagnosed. And that's why he's not been doing any bumming. I actually still have a little play every now and then. With yourself? Yeah. Oh, I've never done that. He calls it danger play. You've never done a little? No, I let other people then. With yourself? Yeah. Oh, I've never done that. He calls it danger play.

You've never done a little? No, I let other people do it. Really? Yeah. The cleaners? Yeah. I'm not into my own arsehole. You're not into your arsehole?

Any arsehole? No, I'm into arseholes. Yeah. Ladies, obviously. Well, white ladies. All right. An arsehole's an arsehole. I'm just not into my own arsehole.

It doesn't do it for me. Yeah. How do you know, though? Because I don't like my into my own asshole. It doesn't do it for me. Yeah. How do you know, though? Because I don't like my own asshole. What don't you like about it? If you haven't tried, I don't like it. It's my asshole.

It's my... I do a poo. Is it a weird shape? No, it's a fine asshole, but he said he has a little plane that turns him on. Me playing with my ass wouldn't turn me on,

is what I mean. Yeah. Like, I can't get myself going by playing with my arsehole, but once I'm in the middle of it, it does improve. Do you know what I wonder all the time? Who do you think the first man was to shove their finger up their bum?

It was my uncle, John. Prehistoric John. How long are you going to take us to get into this? Oh, that is a record for bum chat. Do you normally we start gentle and then we go to anal? No, we always talk about bumming. It's nothing to do with you being here. I mean, that's helped.

But that is a record from a standing start. Let's talk about the cost of living crisis. No, ass play. Straight away. Cold open. Oh, Dan's never had any ass play. None. Ever?

I don't get enough. Has a girl never done it? Because my friend, I shan't say who, but she loves giving a rimmy. I thought you said she was called a shansei. I love a shansei. I do love a shansei.

I know many a woman who loves licking bumholes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who have I met? My friend. The one that got away? Yep. She snuffles for truffles? Yep.

Oh my God. What chocolate of choice do you pop up there before you let someone enter it? Oh, a lint. White chocolate. Oh yeah. A Lindor chocolate ball. I agree.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Just makes it classy. Flaky, don't melt. Don't cough, you'll bruise her eye. Shoot it. I can. Can I use that on my tour show? Yeah, you can have it.

That's very much the level we're going for have it down in the arsehole who've I met so many people I know but who've I met

of yours a friend of it's not like anyone famous oh it's Brennan Rees can you say it that's exactly who it is can you say it or bleep it out

it's Brennan Rees I won't bleep it out it's not Brennan ites. I won't bleep it out. It's not Brennan. It's my friend. Oh, what a woman. We'll bleep that. Just give them a name.

Jake. Call them Jake. Call her Jake. We can stick with Brennan. Okay. Well, will you send them our regards? I will. I will.

She's not rimmed you, by the way. I feel like you look confused, like she's rimmed you. I just mean she enjoys it. Yeah. You've gone so deep into it. No, I'm just trying to play... So I remember if I get divorced. Okay.

I'm not literally going, hang on. I remember most of the rimming. He's not coming to me. I remember a shanty. To be fair fair you never forget a good rim that's a fact that's a fact

hold on you said you don't like anything happening in your body no I don't like doing my own body my body doesn't

turn me on but you allow others to go there others can go there hold on let's not forget what he said women

women yeah I know he protests too much yeah oh everyone i remember my only women i'd watch the canadian grand prix in the afternoon and then she went to yeah yeah yeah yeah because of time difference it is an evening an evening start on that race oh was it yeah yeah yeah robert kubica had a nasty crash in a bmw and she was like i don't want to make him feel better snuffling a BMW and she was like, I don't want to make him feel better. Snuffling for truffles.

She licked his ass. Oh my God. Do you know what would make him feel better? I'm going to lick your bum off. His mouth. Do straight men keep back there as clean as we do? Yeah. Adam, we do, don't we? Me and Carl do.

Yeah. We've got a Japanese toilet seat. Do you? Yeah. Like you press the code and it just goes... It does everything. It'll do you a tax return if you press enough ones. I reckon it could.

It's heated. It's got water front and back for the lady and the man. Does it? Steve, you're the business manager. 39 degrees. Water and a seat. It's far and light. Not like...

Not boiling albumen. I was going to say. Oh, it's far night not like it's not not boiling I was gonna say oh it's beautiful can you adjust the temperature you can yeah you can

I'll buy you one right now if we stop talking about it if you buy me one I'll stop talking about it just go to

washley.co.uk and use and it plays the Canadian Grand Prix from 2006 it's a fucking great piece of machinery. If you want one,

give me a shot I'll get you 10% off. Yeah, so I don't think I've ever been a clean man back there until last Christmas when Carl got me that

as a Christmas present. And so was it the toilet seat that made you change your behaviour, not a person? Yeah. Good for you.

Good for you. Good for you. I don't use it because it cleans my arsehole. I use it because it feels nice. Like, the clean's like a side effect, do you know what I mean? I'm proud of that. Yeah. I really am. It just feels great.

This isn't a rented flat, so when he moves out, someone's getting a hell of a toilet. No, the fella's going to come and... Yeah, no, we've sorted. It's going with him. He's already paid for the engineer in advance to come and remove it and take it to my new gaff. When you're moving?

I'm not. Oh. But it's ready. But we've already got it written into the contract. Haven't we? Yeah. No, they're trying to come and move it. I didn't want to get a solicitor on that contract.

Yeah, that's a contract, because I've just said it out loud, and that's how contracts work. I love how that happened. He was cooking our roast dinner, Stephen, for Christmas, all of us. And I went to... I had a Christmas dinner for the team. Yeah.'s how context worked. I love how that happened. He was cooking our roast dinner, Stephen, for Christmas, all of us. And I went to... I had a Christmas dinner for the team.

Yeah. That's so nice. And I went, oh, there's just some fella downstairs fitting you a new toilet seat. And he was like, cool. Do you know what I must say about your guys' team? They're very handsome. Who've we got?

Tim and I. Yeah, you are fit. Yeah. Ooh. Careful, though. He stands. Thanks. Careful what? I'm Dan's. What do you do with him Careful though, he stands. Careful what?

He stands. What do you do with him? I look after him. I'm nice to him. Take him for a new Nando's and I got him a job as a runner. Do you give him cuddles? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They shared a hotel room in Weatherby last night. For no reason. Despite the fact that the company's doing quite well. Yeah, I was going to say, why are you sharing a hotel? You're rich now. Listen, you can't pay for a little spoon. You can't?

You literally can't. Not in Wetherby. That isn't available. No, probably not in Wetherby. Although, just download Grindr for those nights. I just want a spoon, not a full... Could you get a cuddler? Yeah.

Could you? Yeah. Oh, that's lovely, isn't it? I think... A cuddle prostitute? That's a great job. If a cuddle on Grindr went wrong, that's on you, that, isn't it? I think... A cuddle prostitute? I think... That's a great job. If a cuddle on Grindr went wrong, that's on you, that, isn't it?

No. Oh, I think it's disgusting. I just wanted a big spoon, and there's your willy in me thigh. No, but not on Grindr. Like, obviously, on Grindr, like, I reckon if you, you know, was, like, coming around to my house for a cuddle,

people are going to expect that some other stuff might happen. But what if, like, I set up, like, an app, you know, like Tinder or Grindr or whatever? Big spoon, little spoon. Yeah. No, Cuddler? It's for widows.

Cuddler? You know, like a widow who's recently lost her husband and they just want to feel the warmth of another body in their bed. Oh, yeah. That's nice.

Is that bleak? Come here, Maureen. Why is that bleak? Why don't you expand it, though, so it's not just for widowers? It's also for ugly people who can't get a fuck. You got a name for this brand

widows and ugly fuckers no cuddler it's gonna be one weird batch cuddler with an r l-e-d-l-r

there's no vowels in it cuddler cuddler let's get it on dragons den I would download that I really would

just to see who's on it as well you know yeah can you get friends on grinder like genuinely I want to go for a beer.

Because he said it. All these gay guys are boring me. Put them on where Eddie won't move out in a new city and you just want someone to drink with. Could you go on and go, I just want a drink? I mean, I think you could pass it off as that, but no. No, I think everyone's just looking for penetration. And the other thing is,

like a lot of profile profile pictures on grinder are like your chest all right it's not really your face or it's like the grinder logo because they don't want to put their face up that normally means they're like married oh right yeah not that i know of but that doesn't mean no, does it? In this day and age, I did, my first boyfriend, we were together for three years and then he went into the Navy,

but then came out straight, which is the wrong way around. That is the wrong way around. Yeah. What happened to him, is she? Yeah. Yeah.

What? Yeah. That's happened. I don't really, I don't know the logistics. The boat might have rocked. He just fell into a vagina. I don't know what happened, but that is happened. I don't really, I don't know the logistics. The boat might have rocked. He just fell into a vagina. I don't know what happened.

But that is, I thought one day we'll come back round. No, that never happened. So he had to come out of straight. Yeah. Which I hear is very difficult. Right, yeah. In this day and age. Very unaccepted.

You gay friends do not want that. Right. Yeah. Mad. And now he's married. Wow. friends do not want that. Right. Yeah. Mad. And now he's married. Mm-hmm. Wow. Yeah.

Good for him. Good for him. I'm against it. I'm so happy for him. Hope they're very happy and they're semi-detached. Oh, you'll turn them, Stephen. No, I... Yeah, I turned them the wrong way.

God damn it. That's mad. So Grindrers just... If you literally went on for a pint, if you... Like, if you went on... Is there a friendlier grinder? If grinder's for D,

is there a sort of like... Tinder, yeah. Tinder. I know people who've used it. Bumble? Bumble's got Bumble friends on it. Yeah, we're allowed on all the others, Dan. Yeah.

Are you? What, muslimdating.com yeah as we've said before it's just people who like dating Muslims you don't have to be a Muslim there is a Muslim Tinder though and it's got an actual name

I get recommended it a lot because of my name like it just YouTube always shows me pictures of it and it's like go and get on muslimdating.com

or whatever it's called yeah but I'm saying you don't have to be Muslim though it's called Muz okay it's M- go on, get on muslimdating.com or whatever it's called. But I'm saying, you don't have to be Muslim, though. It's called Muz. Okay. It's M-U-Z-Z. No vowels.

There's three. There's Muslim Dating App UK, Muz, and there's Salams. Do you think this sounds like a takeaway? So, our new sponsors... Do you want one that are open, lad? Our new sponsors is Muz.com and japanese toilet seats it is a great idea though because i always thought like i wanted like um are you allowed to say

scally these days like a northern chav like a man that wore like the gray trackies where everything's swinging they have that limp like they've got like um an osteopath problem do you know what they like what like that and that's always what i've wanted from life like someone've got like an osteopath problem do you know what they like what like that and that's always what I've wanted from life like someone that's like isn't it but that's a big thing isn't it it's a bit

it's a type in grey trackies is a big thing like Scali Scali yeah yeah yeah when I have my grey trackie shorts on

my missus is a lot more pervy she's constantly looking at me cocky and are they gay not gay are they grey it's what what's the material cotton yeah it has to be grey cotton yeah yeah so I've got north face She's constantly looking at me cocky. And are they gay? Not gay. Are they grey? What's the material?

Cotton, yeah. It has to be grey cotton, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So I've got North Face grey shorts, and whenever me thing's flapping about in them, she's always looking at me cock. Through me shorts. I mean, realistically, it's so inappropriate, but we all do it.

There is nothing I can do about the fact if an attractive lady walks past i don't even mean like facially just if a girl walks past me and she's got a fantastic bum hole i'm having a look how do you know she's got a face oh can you touch got a nice bum hole with her face no like she's walking away from me so i can see the back of her head and an arsehole and i know she's got a good bum hole i'm not not looking at that he does not got clothes he doesn't literally mean bum hole he just means like a bum yeah got it i was taking that very you say you're not not looking at that. He doesn't not got clothes on. He doesn't literally mean bum on. He just means bum. Oh, like a bum. Yeah. Got it.

I was taking that very... You say you're not not looking, but you're surely going to turn around. No, she's walking away. No, she's like overtook me. Oh, she's overtook you. Yeah, she's a fast bum all walker. Look at her.

I feel like I'm at a stage in my life though where I fancy absolutely frigging everyone. That's great, isn't it? Like I really do, because I'll be like, oh, they have nice eyes. And then you've got the people that really do, because I'll be like, oh, they have nice eyes, and then you've got the people that are just fit,

and then you go, oh, they're hairy. Do you know what I mean? Have you got any fetishes? Like, stuff that you're into? Not like a fetish, I'm not talking about, like, putting a pineapple up your arse,

like Jordan's ex. I just mean, like, anything that people can dress as or something like that. You know what I mean? Like, after Nashville, cowgirl boots and cowgirl hats. I mean, before Nashville,

but like, especially after Nashville. Holy shit. Cowboys are hot. I would say, I've always had a thing. This is weird, actually, though. I think, like, men's armpit hair. That's when I knew I was in love with Zac Efron.

Do you know who that is? Yeah. High school music. Yeah, yeah. Soaring, flying. There's not a star in heaven that we can reach. If we're trying,

then we're breaking free. Guys, I am so proud. This is so inclusive. It's a good one, man. I used to watch that every time I was hungover from the age of 13. I was in high school musical.

And now I can hardly believe. Not that one. Our stage production. The first ever stage production in the UK. I knew I was attracted to that one. He's Selena Gomez. He's a bit... He's a jack guy now, and he's a good-looking fella now,

and he's massive. Zach. Yeah. That's when the grace is shown. What are you on about? This is the great... He's never been a pudgy like... No, but now he's jacked.

He looks even better. He used to be a slender little dolphin, but now he's jacked he looks even better he used to be a slender little dolphin but now he's a big bear back to dolphins back he's Zac Efron is not a bear

is that Zac Efron he's not a bear soaring flying he's absolutely stunning everywhere he is why didn't you join in

with the song I only know one song from high school musical now I can hardly breathe what's that one yeah thank you it's from a high school musical which high school musical

that's not in the first one this is wrong it's not in the second one either no it's high school musical 3 you've watched a high school musical 3 scene here get out

I think you are right actually but I can't it's one of the shit songs come on I can't get it on yeah you are right actually but I can't it's one of the shit songs come on I can't get it off yeah you're right it's High School Musical 3 then why are you pretending

it was repeatedly played when I was at the New Zealand Comedy Festival in 2009 on the hotel TV that I was watching it just kept throwing it up and it fucking brainwashed me so when everyone does High School Musical

I just remember that scene on the basketball court I couldn't give two fucks about high school musical fantastic it's so great the storyline's really like thought-provoking and it's deep and it's like it really like molded me into who i am today you know yeah more high more musical yeah i loved it i love she's the man that's about she's the man that is a great film Amanda Bynes wonderful film Chan and Tatum and like she's like fucking wow wow wow Amanda Bynes

Amanda Bynes yeah fucking great film Vinnie Jones is in that film isn't he he is yeah he is yeah I want to do a podcast with you two

you watch everything I watch Bend It Like Beckham yeah I've seen Bend It Like Beckham I thought you sent something else then I was like

another great film um yeah it's got one of the funniest scenes in it of all time though the racism scene have you seen it i can't remember it so you know the asian girl in there oh my god is it like i don't want to watch this what bend it like beckham which film she's the man she's no bend it like beckham right okay so the asian girl goes up to the the irish football I want to watch this. What? Bend It Like Beckham. Which film? She's the man. No, Bend It Like Beckham. Right, okay. So the Asian girl goes up to the Irish football coach and she goes, do you not understand? He called me a...

Oh, yeah. The horrible way for Pakistani people. And she goes, he called me that. You'd never understand it. And he grabs her and goes, of course I understand it. I'm Irish.

That is Bend It Like Beckham, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If anyone says, is that Bend It Like Beckham, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If anyone says, is that Bennett like Beckham one more time? Hang on, just to clear up. Is that Bennett like Beckham? Keira Knightley?

Or is that the pianist? You see the little sign, Alexis McAllister? Do you think David Beckham got paid for his name being in the title? No. He wasn't in it, was he? No, it was just a poster.

No, just a poster. You can't get... No. He's got image and name and writes over his own brand. And that is his brand. He wasn't in it was it? No Just a poster You can't get No He's got image and name and writes over his own brand and that is his brand

Surely Yeah Get a bit of dough Yeah He must have been Must have been That's what would have sold it isn't it

because I'm not going to go and watch a football film Yeah It was called Bend It Like Bruno Shader It wouldn't have done the same box office figures would it?

Not quite as well. Bend It Like fucking Phil Bab. Have you guys ever spoke about Bend It Like Beckham before today? Never. That's why we're getting it all out. We spoke about She's the Man before, Defo. Yeah. We've also spoke about these type of films.

Because I love films like this. Yeah. And they don't get made anymore. films that are sort of, because I love films like this. Yeah. And they don't get made anymore. Mean Girls is one of the best films ever made. Mean Girls is one of the best films. Oh my God. When did you guys start your period? No, it's such a guilty pleasure.

It's fucking incredible. I'm not even guilty about it. Legally Blonde's great as well. Legally Blonde's great. Legally Blonde is one of the best films of our generation. Thank you. And back to Mean Girls,

when I was that age, I used to dye my hair whatever Lindsay Lohan dyed her hair because she's a ginger and freckly and so am I. And so I was like,

well, whatever looks good on her, Lindsay will look good on me. Oh, what a hero. Legally Blonde 2, also great. I haven't seen 2. I haven't seen 2. It's good.

No, it's not good. It's good. It's good enough. I watch them back to back. That's either the films, early noughties, like cheesy films. Coyote Ugly?

Yeah. Oh, that is one of my favourite films ever. Is it? I'm not even messing. Do you know what I hate? I genuinely hate this. Coyote Ugly, the bar in the film,

right, is about like this underground, cool as fuck bar where it's like we're our own thing, we do it our own way. And then it's being franchised on it.

There's like coyote huggins everywhere now. And it's dead like shiny and shit. And it's the exact opposite of what the bar in the film's like. And it fucking does my head in. There's one in Liverpool, isn't there? Yeah, and it's shit. Is there one in Liverpool? There's one just up the road, but it's all like red and like shiny

and like plasticky decor. No, it's not meant to be that. It's meant to be a fucking dive bar down an alleyway Adam's been barred from all of them around the country

he just walks in and goes you're ruining the memory of a very good film and then he walks out I got fired from a bar job after three hours

all the songs are Leanne Rimes aren't they can't fight the moonlight you got what I got fired off a job working in a bath after three hours because I just live, I used to, I think I still do live my life through like my favourite films

and like Charmed and shit. And when I started working the bath, I just gave everyone free shots a la Coyote Ugly. Hell no, H2O. And then three hours later, the man was like, are you charging for those shots? And I was like, no, I'm doing good customer survey. And they were like,

you need to charge them for that. And I was like, you've not seen Coyote Ugly. This is very bad business. Someone has seen Coyote Ugly. Am I right, guys? Coyote Ugly manager I right guys it was not there's a woman choking she needs a glass of water

hell no H2O yeah great honest so yeah I got fired because of Coyote Ugly and then also I think it was a bit

because that happened and then someone was sick on the dance floor they were like you need to go and clean that and I was like that won't work that won't work for me did you refuse yeah I refused I was like no no no that won't work that won't work for me

did you refuse you've been there three weeks I'm not that won't work three hours three hours three hours and you were like

I ain't doing it I ain't doing it I respect you no he was like well you're like the newest person you've got to start from the bottom

but I was like no no this isn't a career this is I'm not working my way up this is to pay for my night out tomorrow nice

yeah was that in Manchester no that was in the south of France oh darling yeah yeah yeah it was really I didn't even realise

I'd been fired at first we were deciphering it because how you say clean up the sink and then fucking get out of my bag it was so difficult

what are you doing in the south of France Stephen I have a degree in French. Shut up. I'm smart as shit, pal. Can I rim you now? You can.

Can I rim you now? You can. In French. With a French tongue. Fucking 3BL. Where in the south of France? Perpignan. Oh.

We never went there. We never went to Perpignan. Did you? We thought about it, yeah. We tried. We actually built an entire Patreon special around going to Perpignan. Are you joking? But Dan got so drunk at Barcelona airport that we never made it. We actually built an entire Patreon special around going to Perpignan. Are you joking? But Dan got so drunk at Barcelona airport

that we never made it. Went to Barcelona instead. No, I wanted to go. It's so close to Barcelona. We wanted to go and watch the rugby league and then we got pissed in the car park. Oh yeah, that makes sense. That's the truth.

Catiline Dragons playing Perpignan. Yeah, I met the Catiline Dragons on the flight over and I had no interest or any idea. I was just like, these, they're fit. And then my friend was like,

that's the Catalan dragons. And I was like, Oh my God. Like, I didn't know what it was, but we did go and watch a match afterwards at their invite.

And I had a ham and cheese baguette and a pint like a proper lad. I always have ham and cheese baguette at the match. Isn proper lad. I always have ham and cheese baguette at the match, mate. Isn't that what you have?

There's nothing more, laddie, at the match. Ham and cheese baguette. And a pint. Oh, mate. In a beaker. Oh, nice. Just like you lot.

Yeah. Can't move ham and cheese baguettes on the cop, innit? It's a nightmare. What's the cop? It's just a big stand in Liverpool. It's what? Yeah.

It's the main stand at Liverpool's ground. Oh. So what were you doing in Perpignan? I had to live there for a year as part of my course. Oh, like a little... At uni, yeah. And all my friends, right,

so we all had like a little tryst while we were away. My friend Kate is now married to a guy and lives in Nice. Gorgeous life. His name's Floor. His name's what? Floor. Floor? Floor and cinema. Cinema. in Nice gorgeous life his name's Florent his name's what? Florent Florent

Florent cinema my friend Sam got with a guy for a semester called Nicolas got like Nicholas and I got with Kevin

it wasn't even Kevin no it wasn't Kevin no it wasn't it was it should be Kevin if he's French.

Oh really? But he was from fucking Stockport. I was seething. Aren't you from Stockport? I was fucking seething. Aren't you from Stockport? Yes, I'm from Stockport. I was fucking fuming.

Cause I was like, this isn't my getaway. We're going to be here and we're going to go back together. Fuck that. Why didn't you just not go near him when you found out where he was from? I didn't know at first because he was hot and he was putting on an American accent. I never got to the bottom of that.

And I never got to the bottom of that. And French people learn their English through watching like Friends and stuff. So a lot of French people when they're speaking English sound American. And so there was just nothing questionable about it. And it was only like a few days later when actually he stopped me to barcelona because i'd gone for a weekend away with the girls

and then it was revealed that he was in stockport and i was seething that he'd followed us to barcelona because that meant i felt like i couldn't get with anyone else and then he's from fucking stockport and all my hopes and dreams have been dashed i thought was going to move to like friggin you know what but what is it called? Like Minnesota. Do you know somewhere like that? I thought it was going somewhere like that. I've got a bit of a story about someone putting on an American accent

for a stretched period of time. I don't think I've told you that. So I worked in a bar called Igloo for a bit. Oh, I know this story. We were told it ages ago. It's now Inc. Ages ago. When I worked there the the bar manager

was american and he was uh the reason he was like running bars in the uk and like on a high wage was because he used to be the general manager of the mgm grand in las vegas so he's teaching us all cocktails how to run a bar how to do it perfectly it turned out he was embezzling loads of money from the company and he's actually from the Isle of Man. And he'd never even been to America. With that accent still. Yeah, was it convincing? I thought he was American.

Yeah, in the Isle of Man they learn English by watching Friends. It's not. It's racist against other people from around the world. I don't know whether, like the only accent I know whether it's good or not

is a Liverpool one. Because I think my Geordie's brilliant. I think my Birmingham's brilliant. Do Geordie. Dan's got a good Geordie. How we are, Stephen. I'm fun. Adam Rowley.

I'm a pooman. Nailed it. Is that? Dan's got a very good Geordie because he lived there, didn't he? I don't think his is any better than mine. Go on. What? Do you Geordie accent?

Does it sound any different? You know, because... Stop it. Do you want a sentence? No. Pressure. No, it's not. It's because Stephen's camp,

I want to do camp Geordie. No, I'm not camp, I'm butch. Start with your fucking ham and cheese sandwich. What are you even talking about, Stephen? Absolute shite. That's great. I'd get catfished by you. Yeah, my name's Kevin as well. Do you want to hear my Cheryl Cole? As well. I'd get catfished by you. Yeah. My name's Kevin as well.

Do you want to hear my Cheryl Cole? I'd love to hear your Cheryl Cole. Ooh, thank you very much. Is that good? No. No? Absolutely. Purely bad.

Where do you think Cheryl Cole's from? I know she's from New Asselt, South Shields. Oh my God, you two doing Geordie accents. Are we going to get fucked? Do you have a lot of Geordie followers? Because that's going to stress me out. Oh yeah, man, we did fucking Newcastle Tynes Theatre on Opera. I was just like, fucking thousands of them there.

Did you do that there? Did you do that? I did, actually, yeah. Okay, fine. Home and Hawaii. That was a really good bit as well. I said, I made us come on to the theme tune of Home and Hawaii. Oh, that's great.

Dan didn't get it. Dan didn't get it at all. Still doesn't get it. Hawaii. That is funny. Honestly, I know they keep explaining it, but you're really going to, I'm going to struggle to get this. Closer each day.

Home and Hawaii. Hawaii. Not Hawaii. Home and Hawaii. Hawaii. Hawaii the't get it. Not how we're. Home and away. How we're. How we're the lads of Toon Army. Yeah, yeah. That's what Geordie's saying.

But home and away is Australian. It's weird. I'll never get it. I think you're being too literal with this. Do you think so? Yeah. I don't know. Home and how we're, man.

You like this at home? No. Slow. No. Oh, my God. How weird the Toonami stinks. Is that from Home and Away? Yeah.

I couldn't think of it. I was rattling with it. Couldn't think of it. Johnny Vandegas. Is Dan Lifford because he doesn't get it? Yeah. Who's your favourite Newcastle player? I'll never get it.

The one that owned the cafe. Johnny Vandegas? Yeah. Who owned the cafe? What? the guys yeah who owned the cafe what in home and away oh hold on toadfish are we trying to confuse i am so confused also do you know about football that is not the team you support yeah we know everything about all stupid amount of uh my brain space is taken up by random football facts. Nonsense. Well, who do you support?

Liverpool. And who plays for them? You want the whole squad? Who's the most famous one? Is Steven Gerrard one of yours? Yeah, he's retired now, though. Mo Salah's probably the most famous at the minute. I only know footballers depending if they're married to someone that's fantastic.

So who do you know? Well, I know David Beckham because of Victoria. Ashley Cole? You knew David Beckham before Victoria, surely. No, I knew Victoria first. I had a Spice Girls ring.

It was also big. Who? David Beckham was big at the time. It was a power couple. I don't remember that. Peter Crouch? Because of...

Abi Clancy. What? Abi Clancy. Abi Clancy, thank you. I wouldn't have got that one.ouch? Because of... Abby Clancy. What? Abby Clancy. Abby Clancy, thank you. I wouldn't have got that one. What about Rebecca Vardy's husband? Well, I know that because of all that...

I don't know who Rebecca Vardy's husband is, but I know all that shit that was in the press. Jamie. Jamie Vardy. I thought they should have made that an ITVB documentary.

They made it. I thought they made it a play. They made it a musical. They made it a musical. I was invited to the press night and couldn't go, actually. Fucking livid.

Who else was there? Cheryl Cole. Cheryl Cole. So that's how I learned about Ashley Cole. He's a rat. He's an absolute rat, but she doesn't want to go back to Tweedy, so she's kept Cole. No, she hasn't.

She's just Cheryl. She's just Cheryl. She's just Cheryl. She divorced that guy. I'd still call her Cheryl Cole. She's just Cheryl. She's just Cheryl, yeah. She's not, is she?

She's Cheryl. She thinks she is. She's just Cheryl. She's just Cheryl, yeah. She's not, is she? She's Cheryl. She's like Cher. She thinks she is. She's like Cheryl. She is, she's Cheryl. She's Cheryl. And, you know, she was in a play called 222. Yeah, the ghost.

She was so bad in it. I saw the trailer. It was pathetic. She was not. Stand down. Stand down. We'll show them the trailer in the break. Okay.

Well, let's do it now. Right, because she was very good in it and the theatre had ran out of white wine on the first night. And someone was like, oh my God, there's a TikTok somewhere where the guy that works there was like, well, of course we've run out of white wine. The community's in tonight to support Cheryl. So the gays had gone down.

Is she a gay icon? She's a gay icon. Is she? Yeah. Is she? Yeah. Girls are loud, isn't it?

Girls are loud. Yeah. We died. They were sick as well. They were sick. Girls are loud. What about Nadine? So in the rain.

Yeah, we love Nadine. Nadine's so funny. Is she one of the mad voices? I like to use flower, isn't she? Flower. Wasn't Sarah Harding a patron?

She's just from the, yeah, well, we thought that's possible, yeah. We had a patron called Sarah Harding about six months before she passed. we got a patron called Sarah Harding about six months before she passed

so we got a patron called Sarah Harding and we gotta be a bit because she has died now hasn't she yes so it wasn't long before that

right and it was she signed up I've searched my followers the podcast followers and Dan's and there's no one

called Sarah Harding but we had a patron called Sarah Harding so it made sense to me that that could be, because this podcast is a bit naughty at times, it's not like she's going to be tweeting, oh, I love this new podcast.

But there's no other follower we've got with that name. Maybe you're her guilty pleasure. Maybe. A simple pleasure. Who is, who's the person that you would get most like who's the celebrity

that would get you like because you you're doing well you've been on TV you must have been to some swanky parties but who's the celebrity that would get you like

oh my god I'm fangirling Beverly Callard fuck off Liz Macdonald yeah are you joking she's in Two Pints as well

really do you know Beverly Kellard? Donna's mum? Donna's mum, yeah. Yeah? The Thinking Man's strumpet. She was in Corrie as... Liz Macdonald.

Liz Macdonald, yeah. I think you could ring her and ask her if she wants to meet up for a coffee. Do you think? I honestly don't. I was expecting it to be Beyonce or something. And you're like... She's so accessible. When I met Cheryl, I did meet Cheryl.

That was... That was not my age. She's like, Stephen, I want Cheryl, I did meet Cheryl. That was, I was not on my A game. I basically shit myself. Do you know anyone hiring? There's somebody who's like, I've watched Stephen Bailey's special and I loved it. They've tweeted it.

Who are you like, holy shit, not Beverly Carlisle. The Rock. Do you know who did share an Instagram post and I nearly shit myself? Melissa McCarthy.

That's a good one. Do you know from Bridesmaids? She's fucking great. She's amazing. I nearly died Melissa McCarthy. That's a good one. Do you know from Bridesmaids? She's fucking great. She's amazing. I nearly died that day. That's quite cool. She said I was her spirit animal. Take a moment. Who would your one of those be? That is cool. Oh, absolutely. Who would your one of those be?

Who do you want to see yours? Who? Someone tweets oh my god, this specialist, the funniest thing I've ever seen. Quote tweet in your poster. I would have loved it to have been Paulo Grady. That would have been good. That would have been amazing for me. Simbad from Brookie retweeted mine a few years ago.

I was about to say Dave Chappelle. It's like Simbad from Brookie. So just as good as Chappelle, really. Do you think they'd ever bring Brookie back? I don't know. I'd love them to though. And it's got to be the same fella playing Jimmy Corkill because it is

comic time and is excellent you found you've got to keep the germs at bay have you seen that Jimmy Corkill

video the progression of COVID it's fantastic Brookie was fire it was so good Claire Sweeney is freaking amazing

as well isn't she? Changing rooms. Oh, she did do changing rooms. That's Carol Smiley. No, she took over for a bit after Carol Smiley. Claire Sweeney took over from Carol Smiley to change rooms. Smiley, Smiley, Carol Smiley. Your fucking A-list is a weird A-list.

You didn't say A-list. You just said who would you like. People that live within 10 miles. Who do you think would be the weirdest one that it's possible would quote tweet your special? Prince Andrew. Joe Biden. No, I don't think they're possible, though, are they? From the account.

Like, Prince Andrew's not going to do it and he wouldn't be allowed to tweet it. Joe Biden definitely can't. Like, Dido would be mad, wouldn't he? If Dido was like, fucking hell, love the special, Adam. Dido? Yeah. My life is for a...

What a mad one. Yeah, if Shakira quote tweeted one of our clips, I'd have that as weird. I'd have that as weird. J-Lo. J-Lo. Oh, she's no sense of humor. Or Dave Benson Phillips.

Dave Benson Phillips? That's... I'm surprised that's not happened. Who and I are Dave? We know you're watching. Shall we have a break? Let's have a break and show Steve in this Jimmy Corkill video

because it's exceptional I love it Oh man how are you? Let me drink some of this lovely sneak If you're a 42 year old podcaster that did a live show in Newcastle and slept in a service station

with a 24 yearyear-old shop. And you need energy. Mmm, sneak. How old do you think he was? I thought he was older. You thought he was older? Yeah. Gives off that vibe.

Is that because you look up to me? Yes, exactly. Yeah, thanks, Stephen. What flavour is that, Dom? Oh, this is, mmm, this one. You do? And it's lovely. For audio listeners, it's the Japanesey orange one

mmm yuzu mandarin are we doing this thing are we on yeah yeah yeah that was an advert

what's happening that was a Cheryl Cole-esque advert was that a real advert no but we there's a ghost man he's gonna kill us yeah believe me excuse me

it's fantastic and I won't hear otherwise. Have you got like five number one singles in the UK? No. Yeah, she's a good singer. She's a successful singer. She's an excellent entertainer, you're right, Finn. Call My Name, banger.

Oh. Three words. With Will.i.am. Call My Name was better when Charlotte Church, the day version of that. It's not the same song, but it's, she shits at sneak adverts,

so, hello, it's Cheryl. I get tired changing my name so much. Don't you believe me? Don't you believe me? I'm always down.

You lot are awful. Changing my name. Oh, that's so refreshing, like, and it's one of the Japanese-y, orangey ones oh it's like foreign clementines oh i've got loads of energy new husband yeah as long as it's not nigerian

yeah no big i think your jordy accent is better when you're doing me as a jordy that wasn't you as a jordy no camp jord... Camp Geordie. Camp Geordie, yeah, yeah. I'm a bit of a social chameleon, so if you come and camp it up, I can't help it. Brings out the camp. I can't help it. You are always camping around me.

If Cheryl was on, I'd be wooden as fuck. Do you know what I mean? Stop it. She'd be a good guest. She is not wooden. Oh, Cheryl, that's a great answer. Let us ask you another question.

Guys, you're going to lose so many patrons now because I know your listeners are big Cheryl fans. So I went in for me audition, and I was singing along, and then Simon Cowell was like, here's loads of money to sing. And I was like, fucking lovely, man. I can buy me mama a boat.

And then he came in and he's like, Cheryl, you've put weight on. And I was like, fuck you. Call me a fat twat. So I lost all the weight and then I gave an Oscar worthy performance in the programme

222, man. Your accent's got better since we watched that, though. Because I'm not just doing genetic Jodie, now I'm doing specifically Cheryl Cole. Very good, Adam.

How are we? I'm Cheryl Cole. Very good. Do you not believe me, like? How are we? How are we? I'm Cheryl Cole? Are we? Who am I? I'm Cheryl Cool.

Are we getting? It's a great joke. Really good joke. I can't believe I didn't get it for so long, but it's a great joke. Fuck me. You guys and words. Should we do some advice?

Yeah. Are you good at giving advice, Stephen? Yeah, I love telling people what to do. They ask us for advice because we've got our lives together and people need to sort theirs out so perfect I mean I'm 58 so obviously I've had a life experience

you've got a life to tell are you good do you like giving advice if someone comes to you like Cheryl comes to me and goes give us some acting tips stop it

well with Cheryl I'd say keep doing what you're doing everything you do is perfect thank you so much I'm really good at giving advice shit at taking it right that's everyone though isn't it don't you think haven't taken it for years she's by the pick of men though Everything you do is perfect. Thank you so much. I'm really good at giving advice. Shit at taking it.

Right. That's everyone though, isn't it? Don't you think? I haven't taken it for years. She's bad at picking men though. She is bad at picking men. Cheers. What did you say?

I've been taking it for years. No, he said, because before you said you haven't had sex since 2020. He said you haven't taken it for years. That's fair. We should have the jingle then. Do we have a jingle? Oh yeah. You won't hear it because years. That's fair. We should just have the jingle then. Do we have a jingle? Oh, yeah.

You won't hear it because you've got headphones on. We'll sing it for you. I love Carl Sondberg. I'm here to help. Oh, agony Cheryl. I'm here to help. I'll tell you the best thing to do.

If you want to do it, you'll be fine. If you don't, you might do time. I think in honour of our esteemed guest and his love for Cheryl Cole, we'll rename this section for this week to What Would Cheryl Do? What would Cheryl do? What would Cheryl do?

I'd give really good advice. Dan, I'm going to come over there. It's unacceptable. Ooh. Promises, promises. Okay, what's the question? This is from Antonio Rooney. Need some advice on how to get to go to the pub

with male co-workers. Started a new job nearly 12 months ago and knew the two male managers for a few years due to a previous work. Always got on with them, had great banter and never had any issues. I've not been managed by a male in over 20 years so knew that it could be a bit different especially as these two have filthy minds and concentrate more on scoring the office talent than actually doing some work i've noticed more that they tend

to go for a pint after work as i'm part of the management team i would have thought the offer would be there but it's not um they've made uh she's made comments like i've got balls in my feet you know i don't understand that and don't females those of you think oh yeah good she's like i've got balls they're just in my feet okay and don't females go to the pub where you go now i know i could be a typical girl being sensitive just feels a bit shitty when i know they're going and not asking me. Am I being a tit or are they being misogynistic? Lads just want to sit and talk lad shit. That's just the way it is.

Like, it's interesting on this because if it's a work thing, she's got every right to be like, why aren't I invited? But at the end of the day,

they're probably just, they've probably become mates and they want to go to pub with their mate who they happen to work with. Yeah. I bet if she just went no one would give a shit they'd be like

come on what are you drinking it's like Rachel and Friends when she starts smoking because she's missing out on all the things yeah Rachel doesn't smoke

I've met Antonia Rooney and she is an old like she's like OG patron is she she's one of our oldest she's one of our old like she seems like she's sound as fuck she's not a wallflower I'm surprised that she's one of our oldest she's one of our old like she seems like

she's not a wallflower I'm surprised that she's like oh god they're not inviting me she's got balls

in her feet man also I never understand why people want to go for drinks people work I've just spent all day with them

now when I just go home and be with people I like yeah or holidays if it's not eight days in Tenerife with

your workmates I'm just not interested I know but you guys have done that thing where you've morphed into like

family yeah there's like you know right Dan yeah we do spend some Christmases together

yeah oh my god so I think it's different this isn't a proper job I think when people have

proper jobs excuse me wait it's not it's it we all go around telling our little it's an international it's an international

business Stephen Black Leather Club it is we're in Dublin July 6th we've just got back It's not, it's it. We all go around telling our little big jokes. It's an international business, Stephen. Black leather gloves. It is? We're in Dublin, July 6th. We've just got back, we've just filmed a TV series in the United States of America, Daniel. We're international.

Amsterdam, America, England, Spain. Four countries in the first six months of the year. All right, shut up. Get your fucking knickers untwisted. I think, I think, I think just go out with your actual mates who gives a shit

about these two maybe they don't like you and that's okay it's a harsh reality there isn't it no but not everyone has to like you it's fine

I don't like you I hate when people don't like me though see if they want me to go no I love being liked but like I'd be like okay cool

you don't want to go to the pool with me? I do like you. I'll just go with someone else. Shut up. It's fine. Finn and Dan keep going to Nando's and not inviting us. We're not all whinging about it.

Why do you keep going without the others? No, you never mentioned it. You never mentioned it. Basically, because I'm a vegetarian and he's really fussy. Why are you going to Nando's for veggie? Because they do a good veggie wrap.

Oh, right. So we just... Even though by going to Nando's he is perpetually waiting the idea that murdering chickens is okay

yeah he's paying for the chicken without chicken Nando's doesn't become a vegan restaurant it becomes non-existent because they rely on chicken

so you're making it okay for people to kill chickens every day by going to Nando's you're paying for the chicken if you're a vegetarian

you should be protesting Nando's and going to paying for the If you're a vegetarian you should be protesting Nando's and going to a vegan vegetarian only place. If I ever go to court I'm hiring you. That was freaking genius.

If you ever go to court he'd forget and not turn up. He'd be on the golf course. That would be the problem. Oh shit.

Just tell him you didn't do it. So Dan why don't you invite the rest of your team? Why is Finn so special? Because the gobshikes have had enough of them

you know what I mean yeah you know you know you said about family I agree yeah but sometimes you've had enough of your family

do you know mate by the time you get to boxing day afternoon you're like I'm going to the pub do you know what it is Stephen right because me and Carl

have been best mates in school and Carl's become really good mates with Stephen from working together and we're all scouts do you know what it is Dan is trying to forge He needs an ally. Yeah, he's like

he's trying to get the same thing, it's really embarrassing. I feel sad Finn, how do you feel about this? Do you feel like you're being abused by Dan in some way where it's like you have to go because he's your boss and if you say no like that's... I feel like in 20 years I'm going to look back on this and go what the fuck

was I doing? I was being full on full on Schofield and I didn't know it yeah I didn't know we were going there you've worked on TV did Philip Schofield

ever do you ever do anything he's too old no I don't mean with Stephen but did you see him like Shaggy Kid no he's

I never no oh my god no I never met him I never met him Stephen I never met him. Stephen Bailey's got a career. Stephen likes TV. Just say no, we'll move on.

Hello, are you okay? I think we're all feeling the same. Did anyone watch the Holly Willoughby thing? No, that was somehow less wooden than shuttle thank you sir do you mean me or Holly Holly okay fine

hope you're alright obviously Philip was shagging all the local children and we don't like it so hope you're okay local children all of them

are the local children oh my god all the local children hello my name Holly Willoughby oh my god and you were shagging All the local children. Hello, my name Holly Willoughby. Oh my God. And you wish I could have all them local children. To be fair, you know, it reduced the carbon footprint.

He was doing his thing for the environment. At least he wasn't flying them into Focke-Comb, do you know what I'm saying? Are you okay, Stephen? I've watched that. Gosh, watch that. I've watched that. It's been the most viewed video of all time.

Hello, are you okay? I'm okay. This is weird. Fuck off. She should have just been honest and went, that was mad, wasn't it? Do you want to move on? She should have done it in a Jamaican accent.

That would have been well better. That's how she's asked me. Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back to this morning. First day back. Anyway, that Philip stuff was mad, wasn't it? Anyway, Alison, how are you? I would have respected that so much more

than the contrived shit she had to say. I thought the whole thing was getting cancelled. Has that been, have they backtracked on that? They're not cancelling it. Yeah, okay. It's too big, isn't it? They might rebrand it. I could see a rebrand in the future

i think i'll just call it tomorrow morning and try and guess the next day's headlines what a sketch oh no nuclear armageddon nobody's already coming we did on tomorrow morning what is wrong with you I'm having a great time Stephen I don't want to be on this morning hello this is

Halle Willoughby I just want to say Stephen Bailey had nothing to do with this welcome to tomorrow morning mum

Stephen stay calm by the way Willoughby is the best name saying that please just a minute By the way, Willoughby is the best name to say in our voice.

Just to make it clear, everyone that works at ITV, Stephen did not enjoy the last few minutes and does not agree with any of our silliness. And so don't book us for this morning, but book Stephen. I'm surprised you two haven't been on this morning, though. Seriously, I mean, you'd have to reign it in a lot, but I think you'd be very good. Freddie Quinn's taking up all the bookings. Just arguing with lunatics.

I'm a seat. Oh my God. You got it. Freddie's fat. Man, you filled the whole couch. Unbelievable. fat man you feel the whole couch unbelievable thank you i tell you what though antonio rooney great question i hope you got your answer my life oh fucking hell this one's from caitlin please keep my surname and on i'm not sure if this is more relationship advice

or I have a word, but I need- What's her name? Caitlin. Oh, she wants to say her name anonymous? Yeah. Just give her one. Jenna. Gareth.

Caitlin Gareth. Caitlin Garrett. So I need you out of this. Or Jake something. Jake anonymous or Caitlin Garnett my boyfriend of just under two years came home yesterday

with a tattoo for my birthday of my name this has weirded me out anyway but what's worse is he spelt it Caitlin with a Y

instead of my Irish spelling is this too big of a red flag to get over or am I being dramatic and it just shows that he blatantly loves me? Please tell me. I'm telling you right now what's happened here. 100%. There we go.

He has been with another Caitlin in the past and he has 100% had that tattoo for years. No, I haven't had it like this. He's had that for years and he's then found another Caitlin but forgot to ask you if it's the same spelling when he's first met you and now he's gone oh I've got a tattoo and she's like that's not how I spell it

oh you think he's always had the tattoo yeah he's been shagging Caitlin since day dot Stephen don't you think people are just thick though because I'll be like in an email thank Stephen and spell it with a PH but then people will respond and be like hi Stephen with a V I think people are just thick though because I'll be like in an email thanks Stephen and spell it with a PH but then people respond and be like hi Stephen with a V

I think people are just thick as shit so you have to decide do you want to be with someone that's a fucking moron or not Stephen the email thing is

you're right it's wrong but it's forgivable no it's not if you make that mistake via tattoo I mean that is next level dum-dum isn't it

there's a red flag for the name although I kind of like it no I'd love to get you know like thug life on my chest

just Laura life just there class that shows I love her do any of you have someone's name on you nope

yeah dead pigs I've got my own I'm drunk he's got the name of a dead pig on his arse what's the pig called runty

do you have runty on you? I tried to do a... Where is it? On my bottom. Can we see it now? I tried to do a mercy kill... No. I tried to do a mercy kill...

Go on. When I worked on a farm. And you threw a pig into a big fire pit. I just mushed a piglet into a load of manure. Are you joking? You drowned a pig with shit. And as a punishment, I've now got a tattoo saying R.I.P. Runty

on one of my butt cheeks. My best mate had a girl's name tattooed and they broke up about four months later. So he's had to have that covered up because he's now in another relationship. I think it's so stupid. Oh, don't do the name. No. Silly. Names are mad.

Have you got any tattoos, Stephen? No. I had an allergic reaction to a henna tattoo. I had a Chinese symbol on me it was like toromelinos when i was a kid and i got a chinese symbol for lucky and it was not because i had that scar for a year that's some strong henna yeah it was really strong couldn't get my hair dyed for ages wow i know because if you're allergic to henna you're allergic to henna you're allergic to hair dye

or something so I had to wait you know until the medical advances yeah medical advances but you dye your hair now don't you yeah I dye it now

so you can get a tattoo now Cheryl I couldn't get a henna one I'm allergic to it what would you get if someone went I'm going to give you a tattoo the size of a two pound piece

what would you get a two pound piece yeah alright use all the space would you look pound piece what would you get a two pound piece yeah all right use all the space would you look at like a name or like a what do you what's your name would i have what's your love what's your passion nothing you don't love anything no i find everyone really like a passion like what you love comedy something like a comedy's annoying no i'm not i'm not passionate about. I'm just ready to clock off me.

I always say to people, I said to people during the second lockdown, like not anything to worry about, but if I don't wake up, I'm all right. Oh, that's really sad. No, I'm not. It's not meant to be morbid. Oh, you're just done?

Are you finished? I'm all right now. You're done, yeah. I don't know if I'm exhausted. What a weird juxtaposition you've got going there because you find nearly everyone attractive now, all different things, and everyone's annoying.

I don't need people talking. People in traffic are annoying. Customer service is a thing of the past. Yeah, I just don't have time for anyone. Is that really miserable? But you're still on tour though, yeah? Yeah, I'm on tour. Please come.

I enjoy your company. Where do people get tickets for your tour, Stephen? StephenBaileyComedy.co.uk. But yeah, I just think about it all the time. I always feel like this about homophobes. You know when they're all like shouting your company where do people get tickets for your tour Stephen? stephenbaileycomedy.co.uk but yeah I just think about it all the time I always feel like this about homophobes

you know when they're all like shouting because you're older and they're in the street I always think I don't give a shit that you're basically getting

wanked off by Julie in a weather spoons I love the emphasis no one's ever made weather spoons sound so classic why don't you pronounce it a weather spoons

a weather spoons I like that. Yeah, like a jug of woo-woo and a nice burger. That's a nice thing about getting older, isn't it? And I mean, I'm not trying to speak for the gay community,

but if you get to a point where you're like, I couldn't give a shit. If you're a homophobe, go fuck yourself. Yeah. Great. I just don't care.

That is one of the better things about getting older when you're like, oh, fuck off. I think that's just, do you think, hold on, older, by the way, I'm only 35. I think that's just, do you think, hold on. Older, by the way.

I'm only 35. No, okay. But you're okay. You're not, I'm not saying you're old, but you're older. Yeah. Too old Phillips Goldfield, but older. Yeah. It is a nice thing where you're just like, I'm less arsed what people think.

I'm just so bored of everyone. I think it's pandemic. I really enjoyed being on my own. That's a very common thing, isn't it? People missing the lockdowns. Isn't that weird? People miss being locked down. They're all freaks.

I just focused on myself. Fuck everyone else. We've got that thing. We've got that thing. Stockholm Syndrome. Stockholm Syndrome, yeah. Right. People who didn't like people's...

Yeah, I've got to be at home, do whatever I want to, and now I've got to go out again. You've fallen in love with Boris Johnson, your captor. Not with that no no do you think there is

an attractive politician I could see myself being a first lady I've said this before is there they don't have to be attractive for me to be attracted to them

because I'm attracted to power ooh like Liz Truss get it no she didn't have much power though

did she has he thought she really didn't have much power though did she has he thought he's no she really didn't for very long yes now that you've said that see I don't find her attractive anymore I was thinking of her as powerful

and the second you've said that it's reasoned with me yeah not into her anymore Kamala Harris no Condoleezza Rice Priti Patel though

Priti Patel though Priti Patel if you know what I mean oh my god hang on I don't get it she's evil it's a home and how way that's a knee isn't it

what what are you doing to a knee yeah Priti Patel home and how way erm what's the next question we've got to have a word

that's what she does she stands at the border saying that to people trying to get in home and how way home and how way go home and how way go home and how way how way home and how way That's what she does. She stands at the border saying that to people trying to get in. Home and away. Home and away. Go home and away. Go home and away.

Away. Home and away. Stephen's face has been classed through this. This is what we do. Oh, I'm here. What are you saying? The jingle in my ears. Oh, the jingle.

We don't give you that. You'll have to watch the episode to hear it. You're going to love it. This is from Matthew Evans. Lids, I have a word inspired by my recent travels with work. Please could you have a word with all the middle-aged, gammon sex offenders who wear jeans on a long-haul flight? I don't know who they are trying to impress.

Oh, this is going to be in Nashville as well. It's going to be in the Nashville special. Dan, got an eight and a half hour flight to Nashville in jeans. In business class. I just didn't think it through. I thought you know. I just didn't think it through. Pyjamas, no.

Pyjamas. Pyjamas would be fire, but you can't get in the airport in your pyjamas. No, but you wear like, you know like the shorts we talked about we've had it before oh totally long yes yeah and you just whip them off when you're through security so what happened was steven yeah i didn't think about it i didn't i didn't think about i wear jeans a lot i just didn't think about it and when i got there these

absolute pack of fannies went mental about it mental love. Love! Oh my God! Sex crime! Fucking war criminal! It was ridiculous. And you know what? They were right. But my God, they make a fucking noise about it. And on the way back,

I wore shorts and it was well better. And when we go to Tenerife, lads, I'm going to wear shorts. Your ass must have stunk. Oh, not in business class. I had that guy looking after me. Hello, Mr. Nightingale.

Is there anything I can help with? I was like, Swan Party was like, I'll deal with that immediately. It's great. Yeah, flying in jeans. You were right, Liz. But I just, I hadn't concentrated. Can't all turn up in fucking juicy trackies.

I don't know. If you're flying anywhere over like an hour and a half in jeans, you deserve to be shot. Yeah. Yeah, it seems fair. That seems fair it seems fair you should be investigated for terrorism

because it's suspicious why are you getting on a plane like that yeah hour and a half you might just be going for like a day or whatever might have to be travelling

like I get that I had a big bag eight hours in jeans what are in them jeans I don't want to be in jeans for eight hours at any point of my life

I don't think I've ever seen Stephen in jeans I'm in jeans. I'm in jeans right now. Oh, are they jeans? Sorry, I thought they were. Like a geno. Jesus.

There is a jean this though. A geno? So what, what's their beef? Their beef is people that wear jeans on a long haul flight. On a long haul. He says, I don't know who they're trying to impress, but it's certainly not me. Trying to impress? Nor is it Janet from the check-in desk.

I think he's coming at this annoyance from the wrong angle. Like, look at you. You can afford denim. Fucking show off. So you wear jeans on a plane? I don't impress me much. Shania Twain's song.

I love Shania. What if, though, he had a change of clothes for when he was on board? That's okay. So... No, it isn't. Yeah, if you're wearing jeans

until you're on the plane and then taking your jeans off on the plane and putting your shorts on, that's okay. No, but that's more okay than just wearing the jeans. Addendum.

What if you're going skiing? Anyone? No? Ski pants? No. What do you mean? Well, it's cold when you get on the plane. It's cold you get off the plane trackies are just as warm as jeans i don't i honestly should always be in a trackie on a plane or a short that's it or a pajama if it's one of those

places where you sleep on it yeah so i wore i wore not jeans but i wore it's actually the trousers i have on today because i was trying to get an upgrade to business class because my uncle works for BA. Should the chino look good? Oh, it's a nice chino. Like a soft chino. Yeah. That's acceptable, is it? Or is it not?

Yeah. I don't know. They're like tracky chinos. Anything but denim that doesn't give you any space. You're just trapped. Oh, God, I'm such a contrarian. And it gets really sweaty and then you start to stink. I want to wear denim on Sunday for the flight just to annoy these pricks.

It's going to be great. Do it. I want you to landed in Tenerife after the four and a half like jeez you'll die but the flip side of that

is I don't want anyone on a plane that's going in their cottage you know because they're going to get straight in the pool that'd be sick I'd do that over a cottage

that's so what speedos on the plane I wear speedos you've got to do it for Tenerife I will yeah jeans on a plane you're a fucking lizard waist and snakes on the plane. I wear Speedos, yeah. You've got to do it for Tenerife. I will. Yeah, jeans on a plane.

You're the fucking lizard. Wear some snakes on a plane, I think. Yeah. What's with all these motherfucking jeans on this motherfucking plane? Easier to get on the plane than snakes. Just so you know. Imagine that film. Just FYI.

If you want to smuggle something onto a plane, denim's easier. Just wear it. Samuel Jackson being pissed off after a bunch of jeans on for two hours back it up podcast over

Stephen thank you for coming in oh is that it yeah great thanks for having me go and see Stephen on tour he's an absolutely

brilliant comedian you will have a great time starts in March of the year of our Lord 2024 2024 yes I'm on tour Dan's on tour podcast is still on tour Dublin and Glasgow Starts in March of the year of our Lord, 2024. If we make it to them.

Dan's on tour. Podcast is still on tour. Dublin and Glasgow. Glasgow is about to sell out. Dublin, we've got some tickets available. And everyone in Dublin buys their tickets late. But if you want them good seats, get the fuck on it. It's going to pop.

We've got some great guests. Au revoir. We've got a song. Au revoir. It's great. Love the music. Au got some great guests. Au revoir. We've got a song. Au revoir. It's great. Love the music. Au revoir. Right.

Au revoir. This week's band from Bridlington in East Yorkshire. Oh, I love it. Great town. So it's a band called The Hilda and their tune is called Lost On You. Shite. It's a really good tune.

See you, Stephen. Bye, mate. Come on. Come on I suppose she's out Do you think that it's too much to ask Not to fall in his arms But to think of me when you get home Cause I've been lost on you

Whoa Found myself in the morning on my own Whoa Find myself in the morning on my own I'm on the phone all the time But to absolutely no avail Then you call

and flash the line I'm almost certain that I saw his name Is my mind playing tricks on me? Do I see what I want to see? Cause I'm lost on you By myself in the morning on my own And I'm trying to find

The way to draw the line And all too soon She goes by The way she sits The fools I remember Those days we talked about How the future's black We're gonna see it through tonight

Drunk to the top, feels like I'm lost on you Whoa, find myself in the morning on my own Cause I'm lost on you Find myself in the morning on my own you